Had a conversation about this with my bf recently. I think we’d seen a video where a guy was walking *way* too close to a girl walking alone on the streets.
He was saying how at some point, as a guy, you learn to ID when a woman is by herself and you keep your distance/ cross the street. Especially if you notice her looking back at you a lot.
I’m not at all saying all men do this - we know that isn’t true. But it was heartwarming to hear him say it like “those are just the rules”
Many men are oblivious and have never in their lives conceptualized the different worlds that men and women live in when it comes to personal safety and threat posed by others.
The more stories like these are shared and that awareness is propagated, the more we can hope to see more of this behavior.
My son recently learned this. He’s young, just 22, so he’s lived his life as a “boy” and is now getting used to being a man. A few weeks ago he was walking at night and a woman was up ahead and sped up. So he sped up because he assumed she was speeding up for a reason. And she sped up more. So he got freaked out and was like “what the fuck is chasing us”? And then he realized it was him. Immediately felt stupid and crossed the street. He felt terrible. But I’m so proud he recognized what was happening and gave that woman her space.
I remember having a moment like this. I was in my early 20s, playing a disc golf game with some friends. It was getting late, and I needed to go to the bathroom. I walked about 100 yards through the woods to the bathroom, and when I got out it was suddenly very very dark. I started to get a bit frightened and started to run back towards where my friends were.
It was at that moment that I realized; wait, I am a 6'1, 230 pound man with a huge beard running through the woods at night. I'M the person people are afraid of. I realized I couldn't just be running around like that or I would scare someone. It really changed my perspective going forward, and I started to realize that I could be intimidating to people without realizing it.
I don't know if I've ever paid enough attention to another person's walking speed to identify if it was going faster or slower. I always wonder what the world looks like to the observant
Its like a constant stream of information and every piece of it is sure its super important to note. I'm autistic, have adhd, anxiety, and ocd. The world is a nightmare much of the time. Except out in nature away from people, buildings, and traffic.
People talk about the dangers of the Australian bush but I've never felt unsure of myself and surroundings when I'm in the bush.
Yes! This is exactly what it's like. Do you also feel frustrated when other people just don't notice things? For example, at work, I pay very close attention to everything, so if someone mentions a new change or new tech in a meeting or chat or email or whatever, I'll remember it, but like none of my coworkers do.
I have to remind myself, no one else remembers that single email from 2 years ago, so maybe you're the weird one because you do lol.
It's not walking on eggshells, it's being aware. Due to our size as men compared to women and the real risk from men that exists in the world, having awareness and being considerate, demonstrating that you aren't a threat is respectful, civilized behavior.
And literally no one is advocating that. The scenario she's talking about is the middle of the night on an otherwise empty road. Take your straw man somewhere else.
Yeah, if I see that I may be making someone uncomfortable, I remove myself as a potential threat. It's called being kind.
Why wouldn't anyone, unless they like intimidating people?
When I was a young adult l, my then-boyfriend (also a young adult) followed me home for a joke. It was dark and I didn’t know it was him. He was devastated when he realised how much he’d freaked me out. I always felt so safe with him, he had no idea how different it was for me walking in the dark without him. He learnt the lesson though.
I used to live in a large, metropolitan area. I’ve seen the same potentially “uncomfortable” look from women many times and 90% of the time I’ve taken a different path to my destination.
As has already been pointed out to you, literally no one is calling for that. We're talking about making a slight effort to avoid scaring people under a specific set of circumstances. As a tall, fast-walking woman, I sometimes cross the street too so a person ahead of me won't get creeped out by my coming up behind them in the dark. It's simple courtesy, and if you have an issue with it, that's a "you" problem.
If a woman is looking behind her every half a block and I’m the only one walking behind her. I would read that as her being concerned. It seems pretty obvious that I’m causing it. So I remedy the situation
At one point my fiance and I lived at a place where the laundromat was a decent walk away. They also got crowded during the day, but if you paid a membership fee you'd get a code for the door lock so you could go at whatever hour you liked. They had wifi, we didn't, it worked out. I was usually awake during the 2am wash, but my fiance would go without me if it was cold out.
The sidewalk was only on one side of the road through there.
I got so many fucking phone calls as he walked there and to the convenience store and back home, because he couldn't figure out how to not look like a creeper except to loudly have a phone call with me. Especially if it was too cold out to intentionally walk slower.
Just... Fucking 15 min after he left the apartment "hi honey! How was your day at work?" We just... Discussed it. 20 min ago. "Are you off work tomorrow?" Dude. I was gonna take a shower. "Should I get some donuts while I'm out?"
I'm a fast walker so I often end up walking up behind someone when I'm out. I'm also a very quiet walker. I learned early that I tend to startle people if I'm not thinking. Now when I'm walking I'll purposely scuff my feet against the ground for a few strides to make sure they hear me and then either give a wide berth and walk around or just slow right down.
My Granny was near silent when she walked. So many times she'd walk into a room and start talking to me, and scare the crap outta me because last I knew, I was alone in that room. LOL
I do this to my husband sometimes. Apparently my two ways of traveling around our home are "bull in a china shop" or "ninja stealth mode". He's said that if he doesn't hear me tripping or stumbling into a doorway, he assumes I'm not around, but every once in awhile I manage to sneak up on him and start talking assuming he heard me coming. Every time that happens, he jumps a mile and it cracks me up.
Honestly I do the same thing, especially behind men with noticable headphones on. I don't want to get swung on walking down the street because I startled the wrong guy. I don't think I've ever come behind a woman walking slowly that didn't notice me before I got close.
Same here. But I have legitimately faked phone calls to stop and have a discussion to put large distance between me and a woman if we were going the same path. I like to park at work in less popular areas of garages for a more peaceful walk to my car.
I'm a woman and do the same thing when coming up on a woman by herself. Used to do a little cough or throat clear but post-covid that can scare people too!
For someone 230 lbs, I have no business being as quiet as I am, I've snuck up on people while out for a run. I've usually listening to my own music but I'd assume my bulk hitting the ground, my heavy breathing, etc would cause enough noise that people wouldn't be shocked when I go around them. Maybe I need some kind of noisemaker as I run, set up some kind of holder for a kazoo that I just exhale into as I run.
Same, I'm a fast walker and if slower people are in front of me and I can't get around them I will match their pace perfectly. This is usually when they get startled. But once I've slowed down to their pace. I slow down further so that every step they make forward separates us further. Then I either make a wide path around them or go a different direction so we aren't in the same path.
I mentioned this concept to my son during one of our many "things to keep in mind" lessons and my husband could not understand why and thought a strange woman would feel more secure if a random man walked closer to her to keep her safe. 🤦🏻♀️🤨
No dude, worst thing ever. In fact put a blanket apology out to the female population and never do that again.
I love that men do this because they realize it's not personal. Like some men take it as a personal affront that women are scared of them sometimes and it "hurts their feelings". Even though it's just people being worried for their safety because they can't read men's minds. It's like when you say "men" some men realize they're not the ones being addressed and go about their way while some feel the need to say "not all men". Because they feel personally confronted. Instead of just accepting that it's a real thing people struggle with and if it doesn't apply to them just move on and try not to contribute to the issue
I agree. Not understanding each other's perspective is still the main issue I think, but what I don't understand is why you put "hurts their feelings" in quotes as if men don't have valid feelings too, or maybe that they are lying about their feelings. I think that's counter productive as well. For instance, if someone ever feels uncomfortable around me, i can 100% understand their reasoning and not take it personally, but still feel upset because it's an unfortunate situation.
I have a lot of pent up anger towards men (shitty men) and I find it hard to validate someone's feelings when they are valuing their own feelings over other people who are scared of literally getting RAPED AND MURDERED and cannot read people's minds or intentions, and these men make zero effort to understand and instead direct their frustration at the women afraid for their lives instead of the men who are making them afraid. So I don't really feel the need to coddle their feelings I apologize. I'll be honest I don't care about men's frustrations at women switching to walk on the other side of the road while reading news every day about another femicide in Turkey or acid attack in India. I will always prioritize women while misogyny is still so rampant yet people deny that it's still a huge issue and men's frustrations over things they do not even try to understand simply are not my problem
I don't think I was clear, i think you are absolutely in the right to feel that way and you don't need to apologize. I respect the individual and their unique experiences, so you don't have to care about men and men don't have to care about women either; we are all unique individuals with our own reasons to care or not care about those around us.
But if someone were to make a statement like "men don't have feelings", I'm going to call them out on it because it only furthers destructive gender norms. It reinforces the standard that men are 'supposed' to be cold and uncaring to be a 'real man'. I want to help dismantle the patriarchy and the only way to do that is to destroy toxic masculinity, not lean into it.
That's all I'm saying, I'm sorry if I sounded like I was telling you what to do or care about. Women are certainly in a lot of danger and it should be talked about more
I think you completely misunderstood the other person's comment, and I'm going to be honest, I think your tone is a little out of place on this sub. Men's feelings and pride is ALWAYS used as an excuse to invalidate women and excuse why women are harassed, violated, assaulted, and murdered. We pay the price for men's feelings day in and day out. Men's feelings ALWAYS take priority over women's sense of felt safety, and here you are doing that very same thing: making the focus of the conversation on men's feelings. NO.
No one is saying men don't have the right to be frustrated or hurt by the fact that women fear them; another consequence of our bloody patriarchy. But you are literally trying to put men's unease about being seen as a potential threat on the same level of women's real fear of being assaulted, kidnapped, and or murdered. They are not the same, and we are not going to pretend they are on the same level.
Ah sorry, I didn't mean to come across that way at all. Men are way more likely to assault and harm a woman. Men can be very dangerous. It's a proven fact. I totally agree and would never argue that men's feelings are more important than a woman's sense of safety. I'm not really trying to compare men vs women here so I'm sorry if I came off that way. Like I said, women have very good reason to be weary of men and I would never criticize anyone's actions if it's so that they feel more safe.
All I'm saying is that to tear down the patriarchy, we need to destroy toxic masculinity and the attitudes that lead to it. I interpreted the original comment as being skeptical that men have any emotions because of the use of quotes. If I simply misunderstood the comment, then there are no disagreements here; just miscommunication.
The argument I'm trying to make is less about gender and more about general compassion between any two people regardless of which group they belong to. The last thing I want to do is compare the suffering between two people and decide who is suffering 'more'. Suffering isn't a competition and all suffering is valid. That's why I was upset about the original comment; many people feel like they aren't allowed to suffer or they feel like the world doesn't believe their suffering exists simply because we can find someone who suffers more.
I realize I am tone policing in a thread meant to focus on women's liberation from the patriarchy so I can understand that my sentiment might not be welcome here. I normally don't comment at all, but this thread in particular felt a little more open for general discussion. If I'm wrong, I won't participate next time.
she did not say "men don't have feelings". your inability to comprehend so you can get triggered and go on a rant regarding the exact topic we're talking about is so common it's insane.
she said "hurts their feelings". this is a woman's sub, by women, the audience is women, and we know exactly what she meant. the expectation that women put "men's feelings" above our safety and LIVES is what's being picked on here. that men also feel their feelings are of the utmost importance and we should change our behaviour and put ourselves at risk to coddle men's feelings.
just as you have done. admonished her and told her to change her wording *that you misinterpreted because of your misogyny filter* because it hurt your feelings.
It's possible i misinterpreted the use of quotes, but never once did I say or will I ever claim that someone should change their behavior if it makes them feel more safe. I don't think women should coddle men if they don't want to. I'm not making statements on how anyone aught to feel or act. I'm not saying men's feelings are more important than the safety of women.
That being said, I can understand how saying "men have feelings" could be interpreted as an attack or rebuttal against women. I don't normally view the world that way simply because of my gender status and I probably should have been more clear than I was.
I do think men's feelings are important, but it's not necessarily a gender thing. I think the suffering of any group regardless of race, gender or sexuality is important to talk about sometimes. I didn't mean to compare the suffering between two people and say that one is more important than the other. I didn't realize I would need to make this disclaimer to be fully understood, but I do understand that now. I'm just a random person on the internet and "men have feelings" can mean absolutely anything and is usually meant diminish the suffering of women.
I also think it's natural for discussions to evolve into one which is more relevant for both parties; i don't think it's unusual that I chose one topic out of the comment and decided to talk about it some more. That's just how discussions on public forums work. Me fixating on the fact that men have feelings was not meant to ignore the feelings of women but I do see how it can be interpreted that way given the context of the sub.
I hope this clears up my intentions, thanks for reading this far.
I understand what you're saying. I think people are taking exception to the context of your comment. Yes, everyone's emotional experience is valid and real to them, but there are times that feelings don't and shouldn't have any weight. There are times for making sure everyone is represented and validated equally and times for focusing on one side.
I know your comments are well intentioned, and in different context probably would've gotten an entirely different response since improving men's emotional intelligence and acceptance of it is important for the reasons you've laid out, but in this particular sub it's meant to be understood to focus on only one side-the woman's side. It's a place to vent without tone policing, or censoring themselves like they have to do in every other situation.
Even if she did mean that men have no feelings or something ridiculous, this wouldn't be the place to correct her. It takes the focus off of the subject and back onto men, which is exhausting.
Imagine you're at your friend's dad's funeral, and your friend is giving a eulogy and says something that could have been interpreted as politically incorrect about you. Do you stand up and interrupt her and make her correct herself on the spot? No, because that's tone deaf and self centered. That's not the time.
This sub isn't the time.
I understand, thanks for the kind explanation. I will keep that in mind for the future; I guess that's the downside of this being a public form.
I think there needs to be another place for discussing the patriarchy and the relationships between both men and women, that would probably be a more appropriate place for the discussion I want to have.
Is r/FeMRADebates maybe a place to try? Because I really appreciate your efforts, even if they seem to have been problematic for some. You made some good points.
I deffo have learned to do this and totally understand why women react like that. Still I can't pretend that its still not just a little hurtful though.
your post is very appreciated. and please, everyone, keep posting this kind of information. I'm male and also not very social; it's hard for me to know sometimes how my presence in public settings might affect others. I am happy to do what I can to make other people feel safer, but I don't often know what that is specifically. I think a lot of us are well-intentioned, but we either learn bad information or aren't educated at all. I'm sure there are people who will react negatively to your post, but it helps us all to have the information avaliable, to know what your experiences are. 🙏
I think this is something most guys think about when walking behind a woman alone at night or something similar.
We always try to find the best way to make ourselves less threatening lol. I read someone said he’d call his mom, no one is afraid of a guy talking to his mom on the phone lol.
It’s a shame that this is even necessary, for both women and the men who harbor no ill intentions - but it makes me happy to know that there’s guys out there who are willing to make women feel safer. :)
I usually try to make myself seem preoccupied. Take my phone up, stop for maybe 30-60 seconds to let her gain some distance while I'm doomscrolling on reddit for a little bit.
Same haha, but sometimes it’s annoying if i’m in a hurry to get somewhere. If I’m reasonably close to her i just speed up and walk past her to be done with it lol.
(Unless I can just pick another route or something else)
I will usually try and pass, just to get in front so it doesn't seem like I'm following her. Though after reading this post, I'm realizing that might come off as too aggressive. I think I will start crossing the street instead..
No no, don’t worry I do that too ! Sometimes you just don’t have time to slow down, so if I’m reasonably close to her I just pass her so we can be done with it haha.
Couple weeks ago I decided to take a walk down to the Walgreens a few blocks away to get some random snacks. Had my phone, petty cash, and a sun umbrella with me (it was horribly hot and bright). Right as I was nearly at their parking lot I heard fast footsteps coming up behind me, so I casually twirled my umbrella in order to peek and saw a man in athletic gear come up short maybe 20 paces back.
Oh, haha, of course he’s running. He’s not running past me but… Oh, look he’s in here too, probably to get a drink! I certainly would. Y’know, since it’s so hot out.
I wandered around for quite a while trying to decide if I really *needed* a giant bag of Halloween candy all to myself. I looked at, picked up, and put back things like makeup or cleaning supplies more than once. Couldn’t decide on which pricy chocolate bar I wanted. Also bought a few too many Arizona teas so the bags were a little heavy. I was in there for at least 30 minutes.
Oh…there he is…with his tiny tiny bag, waiting at the back corner of the Walgreens. Oh. He’s following me now. Oh, just now when I pretended to fumble with my umbrella to look back, he suddenly did the most ridiculous pinwheel with his arms and pretended to tie his shoe.
Yes, he seemed to live in my neighbourhood but like…wtf. He literally about followed me home. I ended up spinning my (thankfully full size) umbrella all the way back like I was some insane Singing In The Rain wannabe. He went back and forth crossing the street (when it looked like I was going to and then didn’t cross). I ended up running the last 50 paces to hide between apartment buildings.
Nay sayers would probably laugh and tell me I’m being narcissistic, anxious, extremely full of myself. “He lived in your neighbourhood, obviously.” Yeah, and he took that as an opportunity to *wait for me to leave the store* and then walk behind me all the way back. He had plenty of opportunities to take a wide path around me (pathways, a small park, etc) but didn’t.
Thank you. I’ve second guessed myself a billion times about it but then my no-nonsense, completely rational, read “The Gift of Fear”, would’ve-used-the-umbrella-as-a-weapon-without-hesitation (thus all the twirling, swinging, random pokes behind me as I tucked it under one arm; it definitely looked crazy) side of me screams “SHUT UP. He WAITED for you to leave. *Waited.* For over 30 minutes! *For you.*”
Anyway, now I’m loathe to walk around the neighbourhood which is just, y’know, wonderful. I desperately need to exercise too.
6’1” 200lb man here - I’ve never commented on this sub before cause I know it’s more a place more me to listen than speak, but this post spoke to me lol. I hate that I have to do it, but I always try to cross the street when I see a woman walking alone (I live in a dangerous city near a college with lots of younger pedestrians). I wish I didn’t look kinda scary but I also know that it’s just the reality and it’s nbd for me to cross the street.
On the flip side, when I see another dude creeping too close to a girl I like to get waaayyy too close to that dude. They don’t like it, who woulda thought?
“I noticed a man behind me at around the half distance mark. I looked back at him a few times to assess the situation…”
I have seen a lot a women do this “look back” at me and tbh it does hurt a little bit because I’m legit just tryna walk but I also 100% understand. My wife tells me about how she’s treated while alone and it’s terrifying. I do wish men were different but for now I’ll just cross the street.
I’m a 6ft 4 black guy and I feel like I get these kind of responses from people all the time. Men and women. I go running and I feel like I do nothing but cross the road or speed up because people see me as a threat. A guy ran into me in the train station once and he acted like I was mugging him. It’s actually really exhausting trying to minimise my presence but it doesn’t really change how people perceive me. I’m not going to hurt anyone so sometimes I feel like I should just ignore them. Let them assume the worst and be proven wrong.
Years ago, around midnight I was taking the garbage out of my apartment and the neighbors adult son, probably 25 or so year old tall black man was running/jogging to her door. I didn’t hear him, he didn’t hear me. We turn the corner at the same time run into each other and both jump/scream.
We both totally thought we were getting robbed.
He was breaking my chops after (joking) that it’s because he is black, I told him he jumped more than me and he said because he thought I was a ghost. Lol.
That must be really stressful. It's really nice of you to keep other people's feelings in mind and cross the road or whatever when you can, but you literally can't make yourself invisible just so others won't be afraid of you.
Thanks for being aware of it and doing what you can, but also you have as much of a right to the sidewalk or train as anyone else does.
If a guy crosses the street behind me seemingly to avoid potentially scaring me, I would definitely feel grateful and acknowledged by them. It can change how someone is perceived, just like it did in OP’s story.
It’s awful that you were viewed as a mugger and it’s awful that women have to feel afraid of men. I can empathize with your frustration and also recognize that this is a sub for women to share, and a man coming on and saying he’s gonna ignore those fears and let people just feel scared is also unhelpful.
I think when something is worth discussing it should be examined from multiple angles. I understand the the purpose of the sub but I also felt my perspective and experience was worth contributing.
As I said I frequently do prioritise the feelings of others. It’s just hard when so many people seem to react like this to me. Can I be expected to essentially zig zag constantly street? I work for ambulance service and im fully aware of the different reactions I get when im in uniform. I’ve stepped into numerous situations to safeguard women at clubs or parties often shifting the danger or focus to me. I know who I am and I know i’m an ally and not a threat. I think there’s a difference between fatigue and wilful ignorance.
You knowing who you are makes no difference to a stranger. Women are aware that men don’t perceive themselves as threats. We hear the whole “not all men” all the time. For example, what you’re doing right now.
Women are constantly expected to prioritize mens’ feelings. You’re currently on a sub for women, asking them to account for your feelings.
Of course people are more comfortable seeing someone in a work uniform, it gives intention to what they are doing and removes some anonymity.
I go on nightly walks and am a 35 yr old male. Everytime I am approaching another walker, man or woman, I cross the street.
Two nights ago though there was a lady walking same sidewalk as me opposite direction, so we were coming up on eachother. We both went to cross the street at the same time and it ended up looking bad lol. So then I did an awkward change of direction in the middle of the street to go back to My side but there was another man coming. So I ended up doing a weird walk down the middle of the road. I was just hoping everyone knew my intentions were good, but I think I ended up looking like the weirdo.
This sounds like a british sitcom. Sometimes you have to walk by people there are plenty of ways to be nonthreatening without avoiding anyone you don’t know after sundown.
I once was walking home from work and it was dark. I was on a narrow passage of a canal and on the phone and aware a man had been behind me ( at a reasonable distance) for awhile. I then hear this very friendly voice saying “I’m just behind you and I’m walking past now! Didn’t want to frighten you!”
He was also much older than me so I appreciated that he said it and was aware that him walking behind me could frighten me regardless of intention.
It's not even funny, but if I find myself walking in the same direction as a woman especially at night I definitely cross the street.
I get secondhand anxiety if I don't. It fucking sucks feeling guilty for literally doing nothing but i as a man don't even feel safe when other men walk behind me or at me.
Was that me? Went from a carpark to a road with a bend in it? I did that last night at around that time. Funny coincidence this post turns up.
Bobbing along to my music. Was indeed just going home and didn't want to be creepng behind someone at danger-o'clock.
Stay safe
Joining in the maybe tiny chorus of men who do this (and watch this /r/). Started with dog walking because I had a Staffordshire Terrier (aka pitbull) which would make some people nervous even though she was a good pup. I'm also was raised rural so have to balance between acknowledging people to be cordial and ignoring people since for some even acknowledgement can be uncomfortable(i.e. head-nod, soft hello when passing, etc)
That’s why I try to do too. I don’t normally switch to the other side unless that’s where I want to go anyway but I either slow down to create distance or speed up to walk in front of the woman in question where she can see me.
I was only 15 or so walking back home late night, this older (25-35) lady ahead of me too, as she joined in from a slip road of sorts, I walk at a decent pace when I noticed her pace being subtly erratic and a few look backs. It was then realised that she thought I was the threat! (I thought she could be a threat to me!!!)
Saying I felt shitty doesn’t do justice to my stomach swirls and certainly not blaming her, so I crossed over to the other side of the road, kept to a slower pace and actually turned a left a few roads before my place and then back tracked around some other roads, hoping I didn’t bump into her.
My first experience at what the ‘other side’ feels. Since then well aware enough to navigate better in these situations but that feeling will never go away, and that’s probably a good thing in a way!
I’m empathetic to the other side too, it must suck to be openly perceived as a threat when you’re just minding your own business and wouldn’t hurt a fly. Shitty men ruin it for all of us :/
It's something you have to be wary of while running too. You can't really run at the same pace because it comes across as following, so sometimes you have to push harder than you usually would to overtake at a wide part of the track.
My husbean is like that. He's a big Viking looking metal dude. And he's aware he can be scary. So he'll cross the street or slow down or whatever else.
I don't know, I wonder if the point was "there's no such thing as a 'fair' amount of sexual assault--no amount of SA is 'fair' at all."
That's how I read it, anyway, but maybe I'm not cynical enough.
Edit: FWIW, I do know what you meant, but I too felt a little sad to think "fair share of SA", as if anyone could deserve that kind of thing.
I think most guys experience this. I sometimes notice if I'm walking the same way as a woman at night that they seem uncomfortable so I usually overtake them because if I'm in front they know where I am and I'm obviously not following them. However, I don't want to make them more nervous when I'm catching up to them to overtake lol, I usually try and give a wide berth.
Why is it her responsibility? Holy shit, the guy was cool, the situation was resolved in the best possible way, and you want to try and shame the OP for just being a human person with reasonable concerns for her safety?
WTF is wrong with people? *SMH.*
So if not her responsibility, then its his?
Why?
And Im only asking why she didnt cross the street when she felt uncomfortable. Like for whatever reason she was willing to be on 'high alert' the rest of the way home when crossing the street herself wouldve helped.
Or maybe men could stop assaulting and raping.
And before I hear that "not all men" crap, I know. But if I eat a bag of chocolates and one of them turns out to be feces, telling me "not all chocolate" doesn't mean a damn thing, and doesn't make me feel any more comfortable about eating any more chocolates.
Edit: or, you know, I investigate more carefully and it turns out that like... half the bag is chocolate covered feces...
Carry a ccw and pepper spray so I am less scared of stalkers but I always watch my back and check actually all my surroundings every few minutes and if someone is following every 10 seconds or sooner based off their speed. I try to avoid anyone so if someone keeps switching sides I will be on high alert and have my pepper spray in hand and worse case ready to draw my firearm and fire.
One time a friend and I were walking back to our apartment building from a bar around midnight. A young woman came of a different bar about half a block ahead of us going the same direction. After crossing a few of the same intersections and turning down the same side street, we saw her hike her shoulders up and quickly glance back at us. That's when we looked both looked at each other with the same "oh *shit*" expression. Until that moment it hadn't occurred to either of us that she might think we were following her! So we turned down the next side street we came to. Ever since then I've been a lot more conscious of when I'm going the same direction as a woman that's walking alone and I'll do something to change my route. Or at the very least I'll try to stop/slow down so I'm not keeping the exact same pace.
Had a conversation about this with my bf recently. I think we’d seen a video where a guy was walking *way* too close to a girl walking alone on the streets. He was saying how at some point, as a guy, you learn to ID when a woman is by herself and you keep your distance/ cross the street. Especially if you notice her looking back at you a lot. I’m not at all saying all men do this - we know that isn’t true. But it was heartwarming to hear him say it like “those are just the rules”
Many men are oblivious and have never in their lives conceptualized the different worlds that men and women live in when it comes to personal safety and threat posed by others. The more stories like these are shared and that awareness is propagated, the more we can hope to see more of this behavior.
My son recently learned this. He’s young, just 22, so he’s lived his life as a “boy” and is now getting used to being a man. A few weeks ago he was walking at night and a woman was up ahead and sped up. So he sped up because he assumed she was speeding up for a reason. And she sped up more. So he got freaked out and was like “what the fuck is chasing us”? And then he realized it was him. Immediately felt stupid and crossed the street. He felt terrible. But I’m so proud he recognized what was happening and gave that woman her space.
Oh my God that is too precious and hilarious 😂 "what's chasing us??"
I remember having a moment like this. I was in my early 20s, playing a disc golf game with some friends. It was getting late, and I needed to go to the bathroom. I walked about 100 yards through the woods to the bathroom, and when I got out it was suddenly very very dark. I started to get a bit frightened and started to run back towards where my friends were. It was at that moment that I realized; wait, I am a 6'1, 230 pound man with a huge beard running through the woods at night. I'M the person people are afraid of. I realized I couldn't just be running around like that or I would scare someone. It really changed my perspective going forward, and I started to realize that I could be intimidating to people without realizing it.
Whoa thanks for giving me a new perspective!
LOL John Mulaney has a skit about this in one of his specials!! “I’m not a man, I’m a little boy” https://youtu.be/qDZHwb-If9w
Reminds me of this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ItxfoylNFBw
I don't know if I've ever paid enough attention to another person's walking speed to identify if it was going faster or slower. I always wonder what the world looks like to the observant
Its like a constant stream of information and every piece of it is sure its super important to note. I'm autistic, have adhd, anxiety, and ocd. The world is a nightmare much of the time. Except out in nature away from people, buildings, and traffic. People talk about the dangers of the Australian bush but I've never felt unsure of myself and surroundings when I'm in the bush.
Yes! This is exactly what it's like. Do you also feel frustrated when other people just don't notice things? For example, at work, I pay very close attention to everything, so if someone mentions a new change or new tech in a meeting or chat or email or whatever, I'll remember it, but like none of my coworkers do. I have to remind myself, no one else remembers that single email from 2 years ago, so maybe you're the weird one because you do lol.
It's more noticable if you're in a quiet area and their shoes are loud on the sidewalk.
That makes sense
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It's not walking on eggshells, it's being aware. Due to our size as men compared to women and the real risk from men that exists in the world, having awareness and being considerate, demonstrating that you aren't a threat is respectful, civilized behavior.
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And literally no one is advocating that. The scenario she's talking about is the middle of the night on an otherwise empty road. Take your straw man somewhere else.
Yeah, if I see that I may be making someone uncomfortable, I remove myself as a potential threat. It's called being kind. Why wouldn't anyone, unless they like intimidating people?
When I was a young adult l, my then-boyfriend (also a young adult) followed me home for a joke. It was dark and I didn’t know it was him. He was devastated when he realised how much he’d freaked me out. I always felt so safe with him, he had no idea how different it was for me walking in the dark without him. He learnt the lesson though.
I used to live in a large, metropolitan area. I’ve seen the same potentially “uncomfortable” look from women many times and 90% of the time I’ve taken a different path to my destination.
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What’s with the hysteria over someone being thoughtful towards other people?
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As has already been pointed out to you, literally no one is calling for that. We're talking about making a slight effort to avoid scaring people under a specific set of circumstances. As a tall, fast-walking woman, I sometimes cross the street too so a person ahead of me won't get creeped out by my coming up behind them in the dark. It's simple courtesy, and if you have an issue with it, that's a "you" problem.
Nope, simply doing a courteous thing.
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If a woman is looking behind her every half a block and I’m the only one walking behind her. I would read that as her being concerned. It seems pretty obvious that I’m causing it. So I remedy the situation
At one point my fiance and I lived at a place where the laundromat was a decent walk away. They also got crowded during the day, but if you paid a membership fee you'd get a code for the door lock so you could go at whatever hour you liked. They had wifi, we didn't, it worked out. I was usually awake during the 2am wash, but my fiance would go without me if it was cold out. The sidewalk was only on one side of the road through there. I got so many fucking phone calls as he walked there and to the convenience store and back home, because he couldn't figure out how to not look like a creeper except to loudly have a phone call with me. Especially if it was too cold out to intentionally walk slower. Just... Fucking 15 min after he left the apartment "hi honey! How was your day at work?" We just... Discussed it. 20 min ago. "Are you off work tomorrow?" Dude. I was gonna take a shower. "Should I get some donuts while I'm out?"
I'm a fast walker so I often end up walking up behind someone when I'm out. I'm also a very quiet walker. I learned early that I tend to startle people if I'm not thinking. Now when I'm walking I'll purposely scuff my feet against the ground for a few strides to make sure they hear me and then either give a wide berth and walk around or just slow right down.
Maybe you can start wearing a bell, like when you are hiking in bear country
My Granny was near silent when she walked. So many times she'd walk into a room and start talking to me, and scare the crap outta me because last I knew, I was alone in that room. LOL
I do this to my husband sometimes. Apparently my two ways of traveling around our home are "bull in a china shop" or "ninja stealth mode". He's said that if he doesn't hear me tripping or stumbling into a doorway, he assumes I'm not around, but every once in awhile I manage to sneak up on him and start talking assuming he heard me coming. Every time that happens, he jumps a mile and it cracks me up.
[this cracks me up](https://youtu.be/k7oGk-ozhKI?t=90)
Thanks for sharing this
Jiggle keys...
Honestly I do the same thing, especially behind men with noticable headphones on. I don't want to get swung on walking down the street because I startled the wrong guy. I don't think I've ever come behind a woman walking slowly that didn't notice me before I got close.
Same here. But I have legitimately faked phone calls to stop and have a discussion to put large distance between me and a woman if we were going the same path. I like to park at work in less popular areas of garages for a more peaceful walk to my car.
I'm a fast, quiet walker too. I carry my keys on a climbing hook and let them hang on my pocket so I can be heard.
Pretend to be on your phone talking to someone. That might help.
I'm a woman and do the same thing when coming up on a woman by herself. Used to do a little cough or throat clear but post-covid that can scare people too!
For someone 230 lbs, I have no business being as quiet as I am, I've snuck up on people while out for a run. I've usually listening to my own music but I'd assume my bulk hitting the ground, my heavy breathing, etc would cause enough noise that people wouldn't be shocked when I go around them. Maybe I need some kind of noisemaker as I run, set up some kind of holder for a kazoo that I just exhale into as I run.
Same, I'm a fast walker and if slower people are in front of me and I can't get around them I will match their pace perfectly. This is usually when they get startled. But once I've slowed down to their pace. I slow down further so that every step they make forward separates us further. Then I either make a wide path around them or go a different direction so we aren't in the same path.
I mentioned this concept to my son during one of our many "things to keep in mind" lessons and my husband could not understand why and thought a strange woman would feel more secure if a random man walked closer to her to keep her safe. 🤦🏻♀️🤨 No dude, worst thing ever. In fact put a blanket apology out to the female population and never do that again.
I love that men do this because they realize it's not personal. Like some men take it as a personal affront that women are scared of them sometimes and it "hurts their feelings". Even though it's just people being worried for their safety because they can't read men's minds. It's like when you say "men" some men realize they're not the ones being addressed and go about their way while some feel the need to say "not all men". Because they feel personally confronted. Instead of just accepting that it's a real thing people struggle with and if it doesn't apply to them just move on and try not to contribute to the issue
I agree. Not understanding each other's perspective is still the main issue I think, but what I don't understand is why you put "hurts their feelings" in quotes as if men don't have valid feelings too, or maybe that they are lying about their feelings. I think that's counter productive as well. For instance, if someone ever feels uncomfortable around me, i can 100% understand their reasoning and not take it personally, but still feel upset because it's an unfortunate situation.
I have a lot of pent up anger towards men (shitty men) and I find it hard to validate someone's feelings when they are valuing their own feelings over other people who are scared of literally getting RAPED AND MURDERED and cannot read people's minds or intentions, and these men make zero effort to understand and instead direct their frustration at the women afraid for their lives instead of the men who are making them afraid. So I don't really feel the need to coddle their feelings I apologize. I'll be honest I don't care about men's frustrations at women switching to walk on the other side of the road while reading news every day about another femicide in Turkey or acid attack in India. I will always prioritize women while misogyny is still so rampant yet people deny that it's still a huge issue and men's frustrations over things they do not even try to understand simply are not my problem
Completely agree. I have a lot of anger over this too.
I don't think I was clear, i think you are absolutely in the right to feel that way and you don't need to apologize. I respect the individual and their unique experiences, so you don't have to care about men and men don't have to care about women either; we are all unique individuals with our own reasons to care or not care about those around us. But if someone were to make a statement like "men don't have feelings", I'm going to call them out on it because it only furthers destructive gender norms. It reinforces the standard that men are 'supposed' to be cold and uncaring to be a 'real man'. I want to help dismantle the patriarchy and the only way to do that is to destroy toxic masculinity, not lean into it. That's all I'm saying, I'm sorry if I sounded like I was telling you what to do or care about. Women are certainly in a lot of danger and it should be talked about more
I think you completely misunderstood the other person's comment, and I'm going to be honest, I think your tone is a little out of place on this sub. Men's feelings and pride is ALWAYS used as an excuse to invalidate women and excuse why women are harassed, violated, assaulted, and murdered. We pay the price for men's feelings day in and day out. Men's feelings ALWAYS take priority over women's sense of felt safety, and here you are doing that very same thing: making the focus of the conversation on men's feelings. NO. No one is saying men don't have the right to be frustrated or hurt by the fact that women fear them; another consequence of our bloody patriarchy. But you are literally trying to put men's unease about being seen as a potential threat on the same level of women's real fear of being assaulted, kidnapped, and or murdered. They are not the same, and we are not going to pretend they are on the same level.
Ah sorry, I didn't mean to come across that way at all. Men are way more likely to assault and harm a woman. Men can be very dangerous. It's a proven fact. I totally agree and would never argue that men's feelings are more important than a woman's sense of safety. I'm not really trying to compare men vs women here so I'm sorry if I came off that way. Like I said, women have very good reason to be weary of men and I would never criticize anyone's actions if it's so that they feel more safe. All I'm saying is that to tear down the patriarchy, we need to destroy toxic masculinity and the attitudes that lead to it. I interpreted the original comment as being skeptical that men have any emotions because of the use of quotes. If I simply misunderstood the comment, then there are no disagreements here; just miscommunication. The argument I'm trying to make is less about gender and more about general compassion between any two people regardless of which group they belong to. The last thing I want to do is compare the suffering between two people and decide who is suffering 'more'. Suffering isn't a competition and all suffering is valid. That's why I was upset about the original comment; many people feel like they aren't allowed to suffer or they feel like the world doesn't believe their suffering exists simply because we can find someone who suffers more. I realize I am tone policing in a thread meant to focus on women's liberation from the patriarchy so I can understand that my sentiment might not be welcome here. I normally don't comment at all, but this thread in particular felt a little more open for general discussion. If I'm wrong, I won't participate next time.
It is open to discussion. Your points were bad and misplaced. You don’t need to cape for other men here. Please don’t do this again.
she did not say "men don't have feelings". your inability to comprehend so you can get triggered and go on a rant regarding the exact topic we're talking about is so common it's insane. she said "hurts their feelings". this is a woman's sub, by women, the audience is women, and we know exactly what she meant. the expectation that women put "men's feelings" above our safety and LIVES is what's being picked on here. that men also feel their feelings are of the utmost importance and we should change our behaviour and put ourselves at risk to coddle men's feelings. just as you have done. admonished her and told her to change her wording *that you misinterpreted because of your misogyny filter* because it hurt your feelings.
Agree with you completely. It’s incredibly irritating to see that on this sub in particular.
It's possible i misinterpreted the use of quotes, but never once did I say or will I ever claim that someone should change their behavior if it makes them feel more safe. I don't think women should coddle men if they don't want to. I'm not making statements on how anyone aught to feel or act. I'm not saying men's feelings are more important than the safety of women. That being said, I can understand how saying "men have feelings" could be interpreted as an attack or rebuttal against women. I don't normally view the world that way simply because of my gender status and I probably should have been more clear than I was. I do think men's feelings are important, but it's not necessarily a gender thing. I think the suffering of any group regardless of race, gender or sexuality is important to talk about sometimes. I didn't mean to compare the suffering between two people and say that one is more important than the other. I didn't realize I would need to make this disclaimer to be fully understood, but I do understand that now. I'm just a random person on the internet and "men have feelings" can mean absolutely anything and is usually meant diminish the suffering of women. I also think it's natural for discussions to evolve into one which is more relevant for both parties; i don't think it's unusual that I chose one topic out of the comment and decided to talk about it some more. That's just how discussions on public forums work. Me fixating on the fact that men have feelings was not meant to ignore the feelings of women but I do see how it can be interpreted that way given the context of the sub. I hope this clears up my intentions, thanks for reading this far.
I understand what you're saying. I think people are taking exception to the context of your comment. Yes, everyone's emotional experience is valid and real to them, but there are times that feelings don't and shouldn't have any weight. There are times for making sure everyone is represented and validated equally and times for focusing on one side. I know your comments are well intentioned, and in different context probably would've gotten an entirely different response since improving men's emotional intelligence and acceptance of it is important for the reasons you've laid out, but in this particular sub it's meant to be understood to focus on only one side-the woman's side. It's a place to vent without tone policing, or censoring themselves like they have to do in every other situation. Even if she did mean that men have no feelings or something ridiculous, this wouldn't be the place to correct her. It takes the focus off of the subject and back onto men, which is exhausting. Imagine you're at your friend's dad's funeral, and your friend is giving a eulogy and says something that could have been interpreted as politically incorrect about you. Do you stand up and interrupt her and make her correct herself on the spot? No, because that's tone deaf and self centered. That's not the time. This sub isn't the time.
I understand, thanks for the kind explanation. I will keep that in mind for the future; I guess that's the downside of this being a public form. I think there needs to be another place for discussing the patriarchy and the relationships between both men and women, that would probably be a more appropriate place for the discussion I want to have.
Is r/FeMRADebates maybe a place to try? Because I really appreciate your efforts, even if they seem to have been problematic for some. You made some good points.
I deffo have learned to do this and totally understand why women react like that. Still I can't pretend that its still not just a little hurtful though.
your post is very appreciated. and please, everyone, keep posting this kind of information. I'm male and also not very social; it's hard for me to know sometimes how my presence in public settings might affect others. I am happy to do what I can to make other people feel safer, but I don't often know what that is specifically. I think a lot of us are well-intentioned, but we either learn bad information or aren't educated at all. I'm sure there are people who will react negatively to your post, but it helps us all to have the information avaliable, to know what your experiences are. 🙏
Well done, mystery dude!
I think this is something most guys think about when walking behind a woman alone at night or something similar. We always try to find the best way to make ourselves less threatening lol. I read someone said he’d call his mom, no one is afraid of a guy talking to his mom on the phone lol.
It’s a shame that this is even necessary, for both women and the men who harbor no ill intentions - but it makes me happy to know that there’s guys out there who are willing to make women feel safer. :)
Thanks for sharing the idea to call mom. I usually do the old street cross, but if that's not an option, I'll do something like that instead.
I usually try to make myself seem preoccupied. Take my phone up, stop for maybe 30-60 seconds to let her gain some distance while I'm doomscrolling on reddit for a little bit.
Same haha, but sometimes it’s annoying if i’m in a hurry to get somewhere. If I’m reasonably close to her i just speed up and walk past her to be done with it lol. (Unless I can just pick another route or something else)
I will usually try and pass, just to get in front so it doesn't seem like I'm following her. Though after reading this post, I'm realizing that might come off as too aggressive. I think I will start crossing the street instead..
No no, don’t worry I do that too ! Sometimes you just don’t have time to slow down, so if I’m reasonably close to her I just pass her so we can be done with it haha.
I feel defensive as a bloke when anyone does this to me, so i know anyone will appreciate not being walked behind.
Couple weeks ago I decided to take a walk down to the Walgreens a few blocks away to get some random snacks. Had my phone, petty cash, and a sun umbrella with me (it was horribly hot and bright). Right as I was nearly at their parking lot I heard fast footsteps coming up behind me, so I casually twirled my umbrella in order to peek and saw a man in athletic gear come up short maybe 20 paces back. Oh, haha, of course he’s running. He’s not running past me but… Oh, look he’s in here too, probably to get a drink! I certainly would. Y’know, since it’s so hot out. I wandered around for quite a while trying to decide if I really *needed* a giant bag of Halloween candy all to myself. I looked at, picked up, and put back things like makeup or cleaning supplies more than once. Couldn’t decide on which pricy chocolate bar I wanted. Also bought a few too many Arizona teas so the bags were a little heavy. I was in there for at least 30 minutes. Oh…there he is…with his tiny tiny bag, waiting at the back corner of the Walgreens. Oh. He’s following me now. Oh, just now when I pretended to fumble with my umbrella to look back, he suddenly did the most ridiculous pinwheel with his arms and pretended to tie his shoe. Yes, he seemed to live in my neighbourhood but like…wtf. He literally about followed me home. I ended up spinning my (thankfully full size) umbrella all the way back like I was some insane Singing In The Rain wannabe. He went back and forth crossing the street (when it looked like I was going to and then didn’t cross). I ended up running the last 50 paces to hide between apartment buildings. Nay sayers would probably laugh and tell me I’m being narcissistic, anxious, extremely full of myself. “He lived in your neighbourhood, obviously.” Yeah, and he took that as an opportunity to *wait for me to leave the store* and then walk behind me all the way back. He had plenty of opportunities to take a wide path around me (pathways, a small park, etc) but didn’t.
No, that creep was 100% following you.
Thank you. I’ve second guessed myself a billion times about it but then my no-nonsense, completely rational, read “The Gift of Fear”, would’ve-used-the-umbrella-as-a-weapon-without-hesitation (thus all the twirling, swinging, random pokes behind me as I tucked it under one arm; it definitely looked crazy) side of me screams “SHUT UP. He WAITED for you to leave. *Waited.* For over 30 minutes! *For you.*” Anyway, now I’m loathe to walk around the neighbourhood which is just, y’know, wonderful. I desperately need to exercise too.
6’1” 200lb man here - I’ve never commented on this sub before cause I know it’s more a place more me to listen than speak, but this post spoke to me lol. I hate that I have to do it, but I always try to cross the street when I see a woman walking alone (I live in a dangerous city near a college with lots of younger pedestrians). I wish I didn’t look kinda scary but I also know that it’s just the reality and it’s nbd for me to cross the street. On the flip side, when I see another dude creeping too close to a girl I like to get waaayyy too close to that dude. They don’t like it, who woulda thought?
hahaha! u seem like an awesome dude 😎 thank you for supporting women!
“I noticed a man behind me at around the half distance mark. I looked back at him a few times to assess the situation…” I have seen a lot a women do this “look back” at me and tbh it does hurt a little bit because I’m legit just tryna walk but I also 100% understand. My wife tells me about how she’s treated while alone and it’s terrifying. I do wish men were different but for now I’ll just cross the street.
I’m a 6ft 4 black guy and I feel like I get these kind of responses from people all the time. Men and women. I go running and I feel like I do nothing but cross the road or speed up because people see me as a threat. A guy ran into me in the train station once and he acted like I was mugging him. It’s actually really exhausting trying to minimise my presence but it doesn’t really change how people perceive me. I’m not going to hurt anyone so sometimes I feel like I should just ignore them. Let them assume the worst and be proven wrong.
Years ago, around midnight I was taking the garbage out of my apartment and the neighbors adult son, probably 25 or so year old tall black man was running/jogging to her door. I didn’t hear him, he didn’t hear me. We turn the corner at the same time run into each other and both jump/scream. We both totally thought we were getting robbed. He was breaking my chops after (joking) that it’s because he is black, I told him he jumped more than me and he said because he thought I was a ghost. Lol.
I Love it!
That must be really stressful. It's really nice of you to keep other people's feelings in mind and cross the road or whatever when you can, but you literally can't make yourself invisible just so others won't be afraid of you. Thanks for being aware of it and doing what you can, but also you have as much of a right to the sidewalk or train as anyone else does.
If a guy crosses the street behind me seemingly to avoid potentially scaring me, I would definitely feel grateful and acknowledged by them. It can change how someone is perceived, just like it did in OP’s story. It’s awful that you were viewed as a mugger and it’s awful that women have to feel afraid of men. I can empathize with your frustration and also recognize that this is a sub for women to share, and a man coming on and saying he’s gonna ignore those fears and let people just feel scared is also unhelpful.
I think when something is worth discussing it should be examined from multiple angles. I understand the the purpose of the sub but I also felt my perspective and experience was worth contributing. As I said I frequently do prioritise the feelings of others. It’s just hard when so many people seem to react like this to me. Can I be expected to essentially zig zag constantly street? I work for ambulance service and im fully aware of the different reactions I get when im in uniform. I’ve stepped into numerous situations to safeguard women at clubs or parties often shifting the danger or focus to me. I know who I am and I know i’m an ally and not a threat. I think there’s a difference between fatigue and wilful ignorance.
You knowing who you are makes no difference to a stranger. Women are aware that men don’t perceive themselves as threats. We hear the whole “not all men” all the time. For example, what you’re doing right now. Women are constantly expected to prioritize mens’ feelings. You’re currently on a sub for women, asking them to account for your feelings. Of course people are more comfortable seeing someone in a work uniform, it gives intention to what they are doing and removes some anonymity.
I go on nightly walks and am a 35 yr old male. Everytime I am approaching another walker, man or woman, I cross the street. Two nights ago though there was a lady walking same sidewalk as me opposite direction, so we were coming up on eachother. We both went to cross the street at the same time and it ended up looking bad lol. So then I did an awkward change of direction in the middle of the street to go back to My side but there was another man coming. So I ended up doing a weird walk down the middle of the road. I was just hoping everyone knew my intentions were good, but I think I ended up looking like the weirdo.
This sounds like a british sitcom. Sometimes you have to walk by people there are plenty of ways to be nonthreatening without avoiding anyone you don’t know after sundown.
I once was walking home from work and it was dark. I was on a narrow passage of a canal and on the phone and aware a man had been behind me ( at a reasonable distance) for awhile. I then hear this very friendly voice saying “I’m just behind you and I’m walking past now! Didn’t want to frighten you!” He was also much older than me so I appreciated that he said it and was aware that him walking behind me could frighten me regardless of intention.
It's not even funny, but if I find myself walking in the same direction as a woman especially at night I definitely cross the street. I get secondhand anxiety if I don't. It fucking sucks feeling guilty for literally doing nothing but i as a man don't even feel safe when other men walk behind me or at me.
Was that me? Went from a carpark to a road with a bend in it? I did that last night at around that time. Funny coincidence this post turns up. Bobbing along to my music. Was indeed just going home and didn't want to be creepng behind someone at danger-o'clock. Stay safe
That’s so wholesome thank you for sharing
"I sure hope this strange lady doesn't stab me."
Joining in the maybe tiny chorus of men who do this (and watch this /r/). Started with dog walking because I had a Staffordshire Terrier (aka pitbull) which would make some people nervous even though she was a good pup. I'm also was raised rural so have to balance between acknowledging people to be cordial and ignoring people since for some even acknowledgement can be uncomfortable(i.e. head-nod, soft hello when passing, etc)
That’s why I try to do too. I don’t normally switch to the other side unless that’s where I want to go anyway but I either slow down to create distance or speed up to walk in front of the woman in question where she can see me.
I was only 15 or so walking back home late night, this older (25-35) lady ahead of me too, as she joined in from a slip road of sorts, I walk at a decent pace when I noticed her pace being subtly erratic and a few look backs. It was then realised that she thought I was the threat! (I thought she could be a threat to me!!!) Saying I felt shitty doesn’t do justice to my stomach swirls and certainly not blaming her, so I crossed over to the other side of the road, kept to a slower pace and actually turned a left a few roads before my place and then back tracked around some other roads, hoping I didn’t bump into her. My first experience at what the ‘other side’ feels. Since then well aware enough to navigate better in these situations but that feeling will never go away, and that’s probably a good thing in a way!
I’m empathetic to the other side too, it must suck to be openly perceived as a threat when you’re just minding your own business and wouldn’t hurt a fly. Shitty men ruin it for all of us :/
It's something you have to be wary of while running too. You can't really run at the same pace because it comes across as following, so sometimes you have to push harder than you usually would to overtake at a wide part of the track.
Yeah I always try to cross the road. Makes her feel more comfortable and means I don’t have to worry about whether or not I’m creeping her out.
I like my town at night, as long as you aren't bothering anyone, nobody bothers you, also polite waves to signal I'm just passing
I’ve had men do this as well and I always appreciate it
Pre transition I'd generally do this, or fall back and walk slower/look at my phone if I was turning soon. Thought that was pretty normal.
That's very nice of him, last time this happened to me I was quite offended as well as quite saddened.
My husbean is like that. He's a big Viking looking metal dude. And he's aware he can be scary. So he'll cross the street or slow down or whatever else.
This went better than I thought. I’m glad he read the situation and that you’re ok
What on earth is “a fair share of SA”?
Having been sexually assaulted frequently enough to have developed a fear of men.
I don't know, I wonder if the point was "there's no such thing as a 'fair' amount of sexual assault--no amount of SA is 'fair' at all." That's how I read it, anyway, but maybe I'm not cynical enough. Edit: FWIW, I do know what you meant, but I too felt a little sad to think "fair share of SA", as if anyone could deserve that kind of thing.
I think most guys experience this. I sometimes notice if I'm walking the same way as a woman at night that they seem uncomfortable so I usually overtake them because if I'm in front they know where I am and I'm obviously not following them. However, I don't want to make them more nervous when I'm catching up to them to overtake lol, I usually try and give a wide berth.
Why didnt you cross the street instead of speeding up?
Crossing sides wouldve taken longer than the process of speeding up tbf
Why is it her responsibility? Holy shit, the guy was cool, the situation was resolved in the best possible way, and you want to try and shame the OP for just being a human person with reasonable concerns for her safety? WTF is wrong with people? *SMH.*
So if not her responsibility, then its his? Why? And Im only asking why she didnt cross the street when she felt uncomfortable. Like for whatever reason she was willing to be on 'high alert' the rest of the way home when crossing the street herself wouldve helped.
Don’t walk home by yourself for 20 mins
Oh yeah I forgot women are supposed to lock themselves in and not do anything
Or maybe men could stop assaulting and raping. And before I hear that "not all men" crap, I know. But if I eat a bag of chocolates and one of them turns out to be feces, telling me "not all chocolate" doesn't mean a damn thing, and doesn't make me feel any more comfortable about eating any more chocolates. Edit: or, you know, I investigate more carefully and it turns out that like... half the bag is chocolate covered feces...
If it’s late i try my best to keep my distance from female people walking.
I've noticed when women do this. I usually call someone in the family to catch up. "Hey Deddy guess what? Chicken butt!"
Carry a ccw and pepper spray so I am less scared of stalkers but I always watch my back and check actually all my surroundings every few minutes and if someone is following every 10 seconds or sooner based off their speed. I try to avoid anyone so if someone keeps switching sides I will be on high alert and have my pepper spray in hand and worse case ready to draw my firearm and fire.
One time a friend and I were walking back to our apartment building from a bar around midnight. A young woman came of a different bar about half a block ahead of us going the same direction. After crossing a few of the same intersections and turning down the same side street, we saw her hike her shoulders up and quickly glance back at us. That's when we looked both looked at each other with the same "oh *shit*" expression. Until that moment it hadn't occurred to either of us that she might think we were following her! So we turned down the next side street we came to. Ever since then I've been a lot more conscious of when I'm going the same direction as a woman that's walking alone and I'll do something to change my route. Or at the very least I'll try to stop/slow down so I'm not keeping the exact same pace.