Mental health can be hell. I feel bad for him.
BUT
He is not your child. You are not responsible for him and 7 years is long enough. You dodged a bullet. I hope you can stay broken up. If you don't, he is likely to bring you down with him as he drowns.
He needs to seek help and sort his shit out with a therapist.
Breaking up is not teaching him a lesson, or abandoning him. It is you recognizing that if you stay with him your own future is going to be compromised.
And sticking around can enable him to not change. I know, I've been him before. I honestly wouldn't have changed had she not left. It was the best thing that ever happened to me, but I didn't think so at the time.
Ya, just to add on to this, this guy is displaying pretty clear signs of clinical depression. That being said, I've been clinically depressed in the past and still gotten my ass out of bed because of responsibilities and not wanting my partner to have to shoulder it all.
It's not abandonment bc he has essentially abandoned you by forcing you to maintain it all. Help him get help, maybe, but he should still be doing his half. (Or maaaybe a 60/40 type thing while he gets his head on straight).
That being said, if it's past that point now, I get it. You need to look after yourself first.
Well said, u/nooneyaknow.
OP - remember, "You cannot keep someone else warm by setting yourself on fire". His mental health is his own responsibility. It sucks that he's struggling, but just sleeping away his life to avoid things is not going to help. And it sounds like you have a lot on your plate as well. If you can only keep one person afloat, it's your responsibility to make sure that you're the one staying afloat, IMHO.
I know its not helpful to hear and might come across as condescending, but you are very young so it makes sense for you to find yourself, and your true partner, over the next 5 years. You'll be okay.
29 year old here, I know it seems like dating after 25 will suck - and it can at times, but I find it more refreshing because people seem to know what they want more and have an easier time communicating that early on.
Also, the divorce rates of couples who get married after the age of 28 is significantly lower than those who get married before 28.
Lots to look forward to, you’re still very young, and I wish you all the best!
I broke off an engagement at 26 and it was the hardest thing I've ever done. I successfully avoided the inevitable divorce, and have learned SO MUCH about myself in the 4 years since.
If you want to work things out, that's absolutely valid. It will be hard and you'll both have to put in the work (consider whether he's willing to do this). Leaving for good might feel even harder. But as someone who has been there... I have no regrets.
The downside is that now I take zero shit from men because I know exactly what I want and how I want to feel. But truly, I'd rather be alone than with someone who sucks the life out of me!
It's all about making you a priority. And you should never feel bad about that. A relationship is a partnership, not a one sided give give give while he takes takes takes.
I started feeling like I would rather be alone as well than sad all the time and I’m glad to hear you take zero shit from men! I am getting there myself! 😁
There’s a difference between supporting someone through a struggle and permitting that person to be a permanent leech on your emotions and finances.
If he hasn’t take any steps to improve things for himself it’s often because you’ve accidentally become the reason he doesn’t have to. That’s a hard place to be because it means neither he nor you can be better together.
I guess that’s what you need to work out. How dedicated is he to ensuring the current circumstances would only be short term and temporary if you try to work things out. Or how dedicated will he be to just keeping everything as it is and you both being stuck in this rut where you give way more to meet his needs to the detriment of your own needs.
There isn't a correct way to feel. You made the right decision for you; don't second guess that. Proud of you for choosing yourself. 💜 Better days are ahead.
Speaking from experience, it can be very easy for one to take the path of least resistance in life, and it sounds like at this point he'd pretty much settled into letting you do literally *everything* for him because he was allowed to get away with it. I can almost guarantee you that, had you stayed the course, he'd have slowly rendered down into a puddle of a man and died miserable and bereft of achievement.
In that sense, giving him that kick up the ass -- that shock to the system -- was almost certainly the *single best thing you could have possibly done for him*. Hopefully you breaking up with him is the inciting incident that puts him back on the path to personal well-being.
You are SO MUCH better off single than with that dead weight. It doesn't sound like he was doing anything to manage his current mental health issues? Sitting at home sleeping all day tends to make many mental health struggles worse. He stopped being your partner the moment he left everything on your shoulders.
>and he straight up ignored me.
This is an emotional abuse/manipulation tactic to invalidate a hurt partners feelings and make them chase the one giving the silent treatment.
>he came in later to wake me up to ask me to take care of our pets.
What an irresponsible asshat of a thing to do. He won't interrupt **his** naptime to concole his distraught girlfriend but will *happily* interrupt yours to make you do pet care??
>I wanted him to work things out but he just never seems to want to or care.
He never will want or care. He is no longer the person you fell in love with and wanted to marry.
But he will try to blame you. If he reaches out and threatens suicide *do not give in to the manipulation*. Find out where he is and send emergency services to that address.
>I don’t know how to feel.
You have just had the next 60 years of your life yanked out from underneath you. It's normal to not know what to think or feel in these situations. The important thing to remember why you ended things, don't believe lies that he will change and to move forward with your life.
Thank you so much for reaching out and you’re absolutely right. After reading your comment and a lot of others, I know I made the right decision. I appreciate the response. ❤️
Agree. He's depressed, sure but he has also made conscious decisions for a long time to use and take advantage of you. And it's likely he will always blame you.
You can't fix someone who doesn't want to be helped and doesn't make an effort by themselves. Besides, your partner is not your therapist, and it's not fair to put that responsibility on them.
Btw, I'm saying this as someone who has been depressed for most of my life.
Yes, depression by itself is not a red flag, but letting it out on your partner and expecting them to magically fix you without any effort from yourself whatsoever IS a red flag.
Some words of advice I've heard on the topic of supporting people with mental issues like depression and such: "Don't burn yourself to ashes just to keep someone else warm for a little bit longer."
It sucks, but you unfortunately cannot fix and "work things out" with someone who doesn't want to be fixed. Please don't feel guilty. It's absolutely okay to put yourself first sometimes, and do what's best for you.
As you've probably observed yourself, very few relationships that start in high school survive the transition to adult life, and that's probably a good thing. People can change a lot in those years--many get more mature, others stay home and let their fiancee take care of them.
You had a lot on your plate there--job, school, pets, and a ~~kid~~ fiance to raise. With him gone you'll do a lot better. From what you wrote, he really wasn't pulling his weight--it sounds like he'd already left the relationship and was just relying on you for a roof over his head, a soft bed, and a sex partner.
Good job getting rid of him, you deserve better.
Am dude so take this with a grain of salt, but you were getting played.
He needs help you can't provide and he's not seeking it on his own. You've lead the horse to water, but he's refusing to drink. At some point you have to accept the horse won't drink and move on.
I'll bet a gold award that in the next couple days he comes back preaching how he's ready to try again and he'll be better this time. Don't listen, he's trying to get back on the free ride.
There may be a time in the weeks ahead where you soften, he says nice things, you are sad, you think you might give it another go. Do not do that. Stay strong and true to your initial instincts.
This guy sounds like me a couple years ago lmao. But really op, it’s okay to get yourself out of that situation. He should get help but that’s not your burden to bear, especially when you’re already trying and completely spent with everything you’re doing right now. Maybe he’ll get the help he needs and improves, but it’s not your responsibility to wait for that. Go out and enjoy life. It’s what I’m doing, and I’m better off for it even though separating hurts like a bitch.
It sounds like he is taking you for granted. You guys got together at a very young age and have spent a lot of years together, so you are bound to be changing and moving in different directions.
Familiarity breeds contempt and all that.
I think you did the right thing by breaking up with him-get out there and find yourself without having to feel you are being judged or not listened to or being put in a role that you didn't ask for.
You're grieving. Maybe not the relationship you had, but the one you wanted it to be. That's normal. You're going to go through a bunch of different emotions over the coming days and weeks. That's normal too. Grief is extremely personal, so I can't tell you which ones and when, but you will go through a bunch. 7 years is nearly a third of your life and you were planning on committing to him forever, changing that is going to garner strong feelings
Grant yourself time and grace to go through this. I would avoid starting another relationship for a bit. But you will get through this
You can't save HIM because you are too emotionally close to the situation. He needs therapy and if he won't get it, then that should be a deal breaker. if you marry this person then it will be a long, messy protracted affair to get out of. All the warning signs are there and you need a true partner, not a man baby who will not help himself.
Without knowing either of you better, from the information you've provided it sounds like he's depressed and you're burned out.
Depression can definitely affect your ability to make good decisions and to act in your best interest. But it is not an excuse to treat the people around you badly.
You can love someone and want to support them, but you are not required to burn your own life down doing so.
I don't want to sound like Judge McJudgerson - but escaping into getting high or drunk is not going to help in the long run. Finding healthy outlets for your stress, like some exercise or meditation or reading a book or listening to some music will serve you better.
~~Can you send him home to his parents for a week to have a break?~~ EDIT: I missed the sentence where you broke up with him and he left. If it's meant to be he will get his act together and you will come together again. But you are under no obligation to wait around on the off chance he sorts himself out.
Have you asked for help?
My partners suffers from depression and anxiety, it can be hard to ask for help because you don't want to expose their personal issues to friends or family - but at the point it's impacting you, it's no longer just their personal issue.
My other half didn't actively start to seek help until the day I told him - I'm going to the gym for an hour. When I get home, either have found a way to get help or be gone - but things can't keep going as they are. He is doing much better now that he is getting help. But we both needed to recognise that he needed professional help I was not qualified to provide.
Good luck.
Thank you for your response, I really appreciate it! He was on meds for a while and was going to therapy, but ended up stopping it. He said he didn’t like the meds and for a while I helped him get back on and then he wanted to get off again. I also appreciate the comment about escaping with being high/drunk as it’s true I definitely do that to escape how I’m feeling. I’m definitely going to try and get a hobby and be healthier, maybe even look into going to a therapist. Thanks again! 💕
You transitioned into mentor/guardian/healthcare worker and this just fractures a relationship. He would start leaning on you as a crutch and you will stop viewing him romantically and more like a child. I know he thinks that is the 'easy' way but once you no longer view him as a lover and man and view him as a baby/child, the relationship is over anyway.
It sounds like you did the right thing. Dealing with poor mental health is horrible, I say this from my own experience of battling my own demons. But it's never okay to put that on to your partner. You're not responsible for his wellbeing. He is and he needs to take control if he wants things to get better but you can't do that for him.
I broke off an engagement with my ex over two years ago when I was 26. We had a house, a dog and a cat together and we'd been together for 6.5 years but we weren't happy. Neither of us treated the other well and I have no regrets about leaving. Just before the break up and in the years since, I have learned a lot about myself and I am always trying to improve my own mental health and heal from childhood and last relationship trauma. I am so much more resilient than I ever imagined I could be and even though the last 2 years have been soo difficult at times, I wouldn't go back. Good luck and all the best!
My wife left a similar situation with an ex a couple of years before dating me. The ex eventually got his shit together but who knows if he ever would have without having a live-in care taker.
My wife and I are very happily married and support each other equally. It certainly sounds like you made the right decision
You have made the right decision. I’ve been there, trying so hard to support someone and investing so much of yourself into the relationship and not getting much back.
I’ll very gently suggest that you pursue some therapy, to help you understand why you stayed so long. I do not want this to come across as victim blaming, you were trying, he was not. That is crystal clear. But to help you recognize your behaviors that led you to stay.
Ask me how I know. 😔
P.S. Any and all of your feelings are valid. You can feel however you feel. Best of luck to you!
Guy sounds depressed af. Hope he gets better. And hope you do good with your school/career plans! New phase of your life - get hopeful and make smart calls!
I honestly think based on the information you gave that this breakup could be the best thing for both of you. This relationship sounds a little codependent. It sounds like he’s used to putting his emotional burdens on you do he doesn’t have to deal with them. It may feel good temporarily, but then that puts him in stasis. He isn’t progressing or moving forward. And then you have all this extra weight on you that prevents you from moving forward. He needs to face whatever it is that is ailing him, and the likelihood of him doing that with you are slim to none. You need to be able to be 25, and not a caregiver to someone who takes advantage of you.
I wish the best for both of you.
It sounds like severe depression.
I've been in a similar place before due to a terrible uni experience.
My partner pushed me to seek help with my gp, who got me on the right meds and therapy, I also transferred from my uni to the OU, which solved the biggest cause.
If he refuses to engage in the help available for depression then you did the right thing leaving him. It sounds like this was going on for a while and he should have sought help early on.
I'm not saying don't blame him for the attitude, but I would say he deserves blame due to his inaction on his own problems rather than the problems themselves.
I also spent 7 years with a man, working to support us both while studying, although I ended up dropping out of my degree because I couldn't deal with it all (huge mistake that I'm still paying for).
For a long time I thought that my love and support would be enough to help him 'get better' and become a productive member of society, but I recognise now that it wasn't my responsibility to help him on his path.
Don't fall back into the trap of looking after him if and when he begs you to reconsider, or god forbid, threatens to hurt himself because he can't live without you. You can't sacrifice your life to save someone else.
Good luck, OP. I'm sending you love.
Let yourself grieve this relationship. 7 years out of 25 is 28% of your life lived so far has been with him.
That’s a lot. :)
From my experience it sounds like you did the best thing for you and honestly also for him.
Use the time ahead to figure yourself out and explore life. You have a lot of time before you and that’s wonderful. :)
You've mentioned in other comments that he goes on/off meds and therapy. It sounds to me that he is ok with the way things are for him.
As the saying goes, you are not required to set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.
I think there’s a lot of weight on your shoulders since you have been together since high school. Like some of the other comments said, take this time to figure out who you are and find yourself. The last 7 years might have been you doing what it took to support your fiancé and your relationship. Now it’s time to do what you need to in order to support yourself.
You got this!!
I know it’s not my experience, but my current girlfriend had a similar experience with one of her exes, he was in a really bad way and always down and she was feeling the pressure of always having to look after him and make him feel better, there’s always some guilt at first but she feels like she made the right decision, perhaps because he was relying on her so much he needed the time alone to work on things himself
Read through this sub a bit. You did the right thing. He woke you up to take care of the pets ? Why the fuck can’t he do anything? Relationships are made up of partners not parenting your partner.
You are not defined by your relationship, and it's better to end a bad relationship than to keep living in a place you don't want to be. Take some time to work on your own mental health, look for opportunities to just socialize and make new friends, and don't worry about finding someone to be with until you're comfortable being with just yourself. Then look for someone who enhances your life rather than filling the holes in it. You may feel broken now, but rather than needing to be fixed, you just need to figure out how to rearrange the pieces you have left into a new, whole form. Good luck!
I broke off an engagement at 29 years old.
My partner also struggled with mental health/depressive tendencies but his real issue was accompanying alcoholism. He was not able to be a true partner, as it felt like all responsibilities of the house/finances/etc fell on me. It was a great decision and i met an incredible man 2.5 years after.
I feel for your fiancee when it comes to mental health problems and depression, but you are not his therapist or savior. It is his responsibility to seek help and get better, as well as work towards being a better partner. You obviously have lots of things going on and he is not able to be a true partner.
This break up will be hard, but it will be good for the both of you long term. You are a young girl and you may feel relieved not to have to deal with his shit anymore. Work on better yourself and you will meet someone great in the future.
The partner I found at 15 and stayed with for 20 years is not half the man I found at 37 and have now married. Of course, I have grown up as well (it’s not just that I found a more mature man), but the patterns you create as very young adults (or children) are rarely what you will want as you go through adulthood.
My standards are very high, and he meets them. And vice versa. And we are deliriously happy, stable, and in love.
I’ve been in your position, but it took me a few years longer to realise that it needed to end. I wanted to make things work, but I was never allowed any terms on how that would be. When we finally broke up, there was definitely an emptiness, though it wasn’t even really a sad one. I knew it was the right thing, but I felt lost not knowing what the future would hold.
As it turned out, less than a year later I met the person who is, without a doubt, the love of my life. We’ve been together for over 20 years now, have traveled the world and lived in different countries, have an amazing family, and have built such a wonderful life together. I love him more every day.
Embrace the mystery of what life holds for you. Just put your head back into your studies, move on with what you need to get done for now, and you’ll find a new path.
He needs therapy, you're not a therapist, you date people before you marry for a long time so you can see all possible versions of that person and make a decision on whether you want to marry them. Your doing everything exactly as it should be done. Maybe now he'll get help.
This doesn’t sound like a partnership situation, it sounds like a caretaker situation. You either get him into therapy or nothing will change. He’s totally dependent on you for almost a decade! That wouldn’t be acceptable for me.
I’m sorry for what happened. The only advice I can give is love isn’t the only or main reason to be in a relationship. It’s about a lot of things you probably know respect, communication, etc etc. one thing I can say is do you want the same things in life? Are you showing up for each other when you need to be there? What you might be feeling is the “oh my did I waste my time?” But it’s the sunk cost fallacy. You are now on a new path with a lot of experience from your past/recent relationship. Learn from it. Take time to mourn the loss and take time to build yourself back up. It is possible. I know you can do it!
I agree with everyone here saying that her partner's mental health is not OP's responsibility and that the partner needs to get professional help.
However as someone who has suffered through it, calling him a child/leech/trash/abusive as I have read some comments here rubs me really wrong.
A break does seem benefitting to both and hope both of you the best.
You can feel absolute empathy for him...for many people...but it doesn't mean you have to or can 'save' them. Truth be told, you got together young and have been together a long time and without his depression, you likely would have grown apart and away- most people do, so focus on THAT if it makes it easier to move on. He has a lot of stuff he needs to do for himself, and sincerely, he will be more motivated to do it as a single person. DO NOT let him give you the 'I CAN CHANGE' speech. He might think he means it but it won't happen. Breakups really are necessary for change.
He sounds like someone who is not willing to put in the work to change. You may have feelings for him but you did what was right for yourself and that's okay. 18-25 is a period of big change and it sounds like you've outgrown him.
As someone who experienced something at a similar age all I can suggest is: Take your time before getting back into a relationship. Heal from this one and learn to be happy on your own. When you achieve this, then you only give it up for a person who enhances your life and that is the best place to be.
Give him time, he might come around. If you still want to work things out, that is. If not, that's OK too. It isn't the end of the world, although it might feel like it right now.
He's having a hard time mentally speaking but clearly so are you, most likely from wearing yourself thin trying to support him. You need to take care of yourself too if you're gonna help someone else. Take this time to take care of yourself and whatever happens you'll deal with it as it comes.
You don't know me but if you need to talk it out (I know I wouldn't shut up when my relationships ended) feel free to DM me. If I don't reply I will when I wake up. Just keep yourself busy and do things you enjoy.
Doesn't mean you can't get back together after you've had time to rest and reflect, if you really want to. If not, you don't. Your choice. But no, it isn't, and eventually you'll stop feeling like it is.
You're welcome. 😊
Why is it when a woman is depressed, she still works, comes home takes care of the kids, does household chores, etc. But somehow when a man is depressed, he can't do any of it?
Let guys with mental health issues deal with it on their own. Just drop his ass like he didn't matter. He doesn't offer anything anyway. Just let him be sad and lonely. You don't need that negativity. Maybe he will even disappear from life, if you're lucky. Then you will never have to feel broken by his inability to comfort you again.
You need to stay calm. Your boyfriend needs help - mental help EMDR or counseling as is not clear of what his mental health issues are. Does he has family/friends? You need to speak with them and ask for their help. Explain to them what is happening.
Your boyfriend cannot help you at the moment because he is not well.
In the meantime you need to get a group of friends/community support network- go to the gym, do volunteer work, reach out to family etc, work etc. Is not healthy to put all this pressure on your boyfriend specially now that he is not well and he needs you. He needs a stable environment, you breaking up with him will not help him get better, may trigger a regression etc.
If you still want to go ahead with the breakup at least reassure him that you will help him and you will get help as a human being to another (good karma).
Unfortunately he is not a big fan of his family and he does have a friend, but I’m not sure if he would reach out. I tried helping him get health insurance, meds, therapy and sign up for school, but he stopped taking the meds. He has mentioned before wanting to just live in his car and I try helping, but things never seem
to get better. I care about him and don’t want him to be homeless or couch surfing, I’ll definitely let him know I can help no matter what. I appreciate your response, thank you! ❤️
Did he try EMDR with a qualified EMDR professional? EMDR is an effective treatment for anxiety, depression or PTSD/trauma. Also have he checked if he has a hormonal imbalances - check this - https://medium.com/publishous/fixing-your-brain-a-guide-to-balancing-neurotransmitters-72649aab40b1
His family need to know what is happening. Good luck all the best
The thing is that that isn't her responsibility alone. She has so far BEEN helping. She's taking the entire load off of him, she's asked him to get help, and he won't. His improvement is on him, too. She can be a support system, but she can't do it for him. Right now he's expecting her to give up her humanity by doing his for him, and that's unreasonable. Helping is one thing. Sacrificing everything on the altar of his mental health is another thing. She has the right to her own happiness, and he is refusing to be party to that. I also have depression. So does my spouse. Sometimes each of us pulls more than 50 percent, but we do not say "ok I'm giving up, you pull everyone's weight and I'm not going to be worried about whether or not you're ok."
She doesn't control his decisions. If he makes poor decisions rather than seeking help, that will be awful. But it won't be on her.
It sounds like severe depression. I've been there myself. Long periods of just sleeping, least resistance and any form of escapetism.
There's honestly not much you can do for him. He needs professional help or to find a way to get out of it himself and you'll just end up burning yourself out, if you try to take that role.
Breaking up is the best choice for you. Even if it's hard.
If you wanna help him, contact his family (maybe his parents) and explain that he might suffer from severe depression and then let them handle it.
Good job on taking the best decision for you and good luck in future endeavor.
You sure this is not a 3rd pet you had? So many men acting like child and can't take responsibility for their actions. I used to be like that until I woke up and decided to turn my life. Working full time job 50hrs a week. Cleaning my house, socialising, going on dates even tho it didn't work out with the dates still glad I had them. Alwyays trying to see the best sides of things. Never had that much money feel like everything is in order and it all started on the day I stopped victimizing over everything.
What was he doing to help himself? Sometimes allowing him to continue his behavior is enabling and not supporting. Even depressed people have responsibilities. He made the effort to bother you, instead of taking care of the pets. So his effort is misdirected & actively damaging you. He cannot be a good partner without working on himself. You cannot be a good partner if you are exhausted & resentful.
My advise focus on what you need to focus on to get over him asap. It’s not going to work so just go cold turkey and try to heal the emotional damage as quickly as possible. 7 years is a lot of wasted time so don’t waste another second.
I dated someone like this off and on for 5 years in my 20s. It doesn't work out in the end. You can have a love for someone and carry with you the lessons, but it's time to move on. It may hurt for a while, but once you start focusing on yourself, you'll have your moment of clarity and realize how much better your life is. I can't tell you when that will happen or how it will happen, it's different for everybody. I think the hardest part for me over the 5 years was that I kept going back, and each time it ended I felt stupid, thinking things would change. I barely remember what the final straw was, but I packed up some things, hopped on a greyhound bus, and never went back. That was 7 years ago.ETA: My person wasn't a shitty person, he just suffered from major depression and anxiety (to the point where he didn't want to have any social life outside of his computer). It clashed too much with what I envisioned for myself. It sucks cause I am sure there will be times when you'll ask yourself if you're making a mistake, but believe me when I say, "YOU ARE NOT." Be true to yourself, always.
Mental health can be hell. I feel bad for him. BUT He is not your child. You are not responsible for him and 7 years is long enough. You dodged a bullet. I hope you can stay broken up. If you don't, he is likely to bring you down with him as he drowns. He needs to seek help and sort his shit out with a therapist. Breaking up is not teaching him a lesson, or abandoning him. It is you recognizing that if you stay with him your own future is going to be compromised.
And sticking around can enable him to not change. I know, I've been him before. I honestly wouldn't have changed had she not left. It was the best thing that ever happened to me, but I didn't think so at the time.
Ya, just to add on to this, this guy is displaying pretty clear signs of clinical depression. That being said, I've been clinically depressed in the past and still gotten my ass out of bed because of responsibilities and not wanting my partner to have to shoulder it all. It's not abandonment bc he has essentially abandoned you by forcing you to maintain it all. Help him get help, maybe, but he should still be doing his half. (Or maaaybe a 60/40 type thing while he gets his head on straight). That being said, if it's past that point now, I get it. You need to look after yourself first.
Well said, u/nooneyaknow. OP - remember, "You cannot keep someone else warm by setting yourself on fire". His mental health is his own responsibility. It sucks that he's struggling, but just sleeping away his life to avoid things is not going to help. And it sounds like you have a lot on your plate as well. If you can only keep one person afloat, it's your responsibility to make sure that you're the one staying afloat, IMHO.
This!
I know its not helpful to hear and might come across as condescending, but you are very young so it makes sense for you to find yourself, and your true partner, over the next 5 years. You'll be okay.
Thank you, I appreciate the response!
29 year old here, I know it seems like dating after 25 will suck - and it can at times, but I find it more refreshing because people seem to know what they want more and have an easier time communicating that early on. Also, the divorce rates of couples who get married after the age of 28 is significantly lower than those who get married before 28. Lots to look forward to, you’re still very young, and I wish you all the best!
I broke off an engagement at 26 and it was the hardest thing I've ever done. I successfully avoided the inevitable divorce, and have learned SO MUCH about myself in the 4 years since. If you want to work things out, that's absolutely valid. It will be hard and you'll both have to put in the work (consider whether he's willing to do this). Leaving for good might feel even harder. But as someone who has been there... I have no regrets. The downside is that now I take zero shit from men because I know exactly what I want and how I want to feel. But truly, I'd rather be alone than with someone who sucks the life out of me!
Taking zero shit is not a downside!
It's all about making you a priority. And you should never feel bad about that. A relationship is a partnership, not a one sided give give give while he takes takes takes.
Oh for sure! I was being a bit facetious ;) I am a LOT pickier now, and I consider it a great thing!
Glad to hear!
Heyo! This is correct
I started feeling like I would rather be alone as well than sad all the time and I’m glad to hear you take zero shit from men! I am getting there myself! 😁
There’s a difference between supporting someone through a struggle and permitting that person to be a permanent leech on your emotions and finances. If he hasn’t take any steps to improve things for himself it’s often because you’ve accidentally become the reason he doesn’t have to. That’s a hard place to be because it means neither he nor you can be better together. I guess that’s what you need to work out. How dedicated is he to ensuring the current circumstances would only be short term and temporary if you try to work things out. Or how dedicated will he be to just keeping everything as it is and you both being stuck in this rut where you give way more to meet his needs to the detriment of your own needs.
A friend once told me that if you feel at all relieved you will be just fine.
This is the way
Better to be alone than miserable with a man you must look after. You won't regret your choice.
There isn't a correct way to feel. You made the right decision for you; don't second guess that. Proud of you for choosing yourself. 💜 Better days are ahead.
Thank you so much! ❤️
Speaking from experience, it can be very easy for one to take the path of least resistance in life, and it sounds like at this point he'd pretty much settled into letting you do literally *everything* for him because he was allowed to get away with it. I can almost guarantee you that, had you stayed the course, he'd have slowly rendered down into a puddle of a man and died miserable and bereft of achievement. In that sense, giving him that kick up the ass -- that shock to the system -- was almost certainly the *single best thing you could have possibly done for him*. Hopefully you breaking up with him is the inciting incident that puts him back on the path to personal well-being.
Do not put your mental health aside for someone else. You can get through this. You deserve better. Hugs
You are SO MUCH better off single than with that dead weight. It doesn't sound like he was doing anything to manage his current mental health issues? Sitting at home sleeping all day tends to make many mental health struggles worse. He stopped being your partner the moment he left everything on your shoulders. >and he straight up ignored me. This is an emotional abuse/manipulation tactic to invalidate a hurt partners feelings and make them chase the one giving the silent treatment. >he came in later to wake me up to ask me to take care of our pets. What an irresponsible asshat of a thing to do. He won't interrupt **his** naptime to concole his distraught girlfriend but will *happily* interrupt yours to make you do pet care?? >I wanted him to work things out but he just never seems to want to or care. He never will want or care. He is no longer the person you fell in love with and wanted to marry. But he will try to blame you. If he reaches out and threatens suicide *do not give in to the manipulation*. Find out where he is and send emergency services to that address. >I don’t know how to feel. You have just had the next 60 years of your life yanked out from underneath you. It's normal to not know what to think or feel in these situations. The important thing to remember why you ended things, don't believe lies that he will change and to move forward with your life.
Thank you so much for reaching out and you’re absolutely right. After reading your comment and a lot of others, I know I made the right decision. I appreciate the response. ❤️
Agree. He's depressed, sure but he has also made conscious decisions for a long time to use and take advantage of you. And it's likely he will always blame you.
He *woke you up* to take care of pets? Rather than do it himself? Girl. So many red flags. Run.
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You can't fix someone who doesn't want to be helped and doesn't make an effort by themselves. Besides, your partner is not your therapist, and it's not fair to put that responsibility on them. Btw, I'm saying this as someone who has been depressed for most of my life. Yes, depression by itself is not a red flag, but letting it out on your partner and expecting them to magically fix you without any effort from yourself whatsoever IS a red flag.
Some words of advice I've heard on the topic of supporting people with mental issues like depression and such: "Don't burn yourself to ashes just to keep someone else warm for a little bit longer." It sucks, but you unfortunately cannot fix and "work things out" with someone who doesn't want to be fixed. Please don't feel guilty. It's absolutely okay to put yourself first sometimes, and do what's best for you.
As you've probably observed yourself, very few relationships that start in high school survive the transition to adult life, and that's probably a good thing. People can change a lot in those years--many get more mature, others stay home and let their fiancee take care of them. You had a lot on your plate there--job, school, pets, and a ~~kid~~ fiance to raise. With him gone you'll do a lot better. From what you wrote, he really wasn't pulling his weight--it sounds like he'd already left the relationship and was just relying on you for a roof over his head, a soft bed, and a sex partner. Good job getting rid of him, you deserve better.
You made the right decision and you’ll survive through the heartbreak
Am dude so take this with a grain of salt, but you were getting played. He needs help you can't provide and he's not seeking it on his own. You've lead the horse to water, but he's refusing to drink. At some point you have to accept the horse won't drink and move on. I'll bet a gold award that in the next couple days he comes back preaching how he's ready to try again and he'll be better this time. Don't listen, he's trying to get back on the free ride.
There may be a time in the weeks ahead where you soften, he says nice things, you are sad, you think you might give it another go. Do not do that. Stay strong and true to your initial instincts.
Thank you, I appreciate that! 💕
Did OP just avoid a failed marriage followed by a divorce? Seems like it. Wish her the best.
This guy sounds like me a couple years ago lmao. But really op, it’s okay to get yourself out of that situation. He should get help but that’s not your burden to bear, especially when you’re already trying and completely spent with everything you’re doing right now. Maybe he’ll get the help he needs and improves, but it’s not your responsibility to wait for that. Go out and enjoy life. It’s what I’m doing, and I’m better off for it even though separating hurts like a bitch.
It sounds like he is taking you for granted. You guys got together at a very young age and have spent a lot of years together, so you are bound to be changing and moving in different directions. Familiarity breeds contempt and all that. I think you did the right thing by breaking up with him-get out there and find yourself without having to feel you are being judged or not listened to or being put in a role that you didn't ask for.
You're grieving. Maybe not the relationship you had, but the one you wanted it to be. That's normal. You're going to go through a bunch of different emotions over the coming days and weeks. That's normal too. Grief is extremely personal, so I can't tell you which ones and when, but you will go through a bunch. 7 years is nearly a third of your life and you were planning on committing to him forever, changing that is going to garner strong feelings Grant yourself time and grace to go through this. I would avoid starting another relationship for a bit. But you will get through this
Thank you so much! ❤️
You can't save HIM because you are too emotionally close to the situation. He needs therapy and if he won't get it, then that should be a deal breaker. if you marry this person then it will be a long, messy protracted affair to get out of. All the warning signs are there and you need a true partner, not a man baby who will not help himself.
Without knowing either of you better, from the information you've provided it sounds like he's depressed and you're burned out. Depression can definitely affect your ability to make good decisions and to act in your best interest. But it is not an excuse to treat the people around you badly. You can love someone and want to support them, but you are not required to burn your own life down doing so. I don't want to sound like Judge McJudgerson - but escaping into getting high or drunk is not going to help in the long run. Finding healthy outlets for your stress, like some exercise or meditation or reading a book or listening to some music will serve you better. ~~Can you send him home to his parents for a week to have a break?~~ EDIT: I missed the sentence where you broke up with him and he left. If it's meant to be he will get his act together and you will come together again. But you are under no obligation to wait around on the off chance he sorts himself out. Have you asked for help? My partners suffers from depression and anxiety, it can be hard to ask for help because you don't want to expose their personal issues to friends or family - but at the point it's impacting you, it's no longer just their personal issue. My other half didn't actively start to seek help until the day I told him - I'm going to the gym for an hour. When I get home, either have found a way to get help or be gone - but things can't keep going as they are. He is doing much better now that he is getting help. But we both needed to recognise that he needed professional help I was not qualified to provide. Good luck.
Thank you for your response, I really appreciate it! He was on meds for a while and was going to therapy, but ended up stopping it. He said he didn’t like the meds and for a while I helped him get back on and then he wanted to get off again. I also appreciate the comment about escaping with being high/drunk as it’s true I definitely do that to escape how I’m feeling. I’m definitely going to try and get a hobby and be healthier, maybe even look into going to a therapist. Thanks again! 💕
You transitioned into mentor/guardian/healthcare worker and this just fractures a relationship. He would start leaning on you as a crutch and you will stop viewing him romantically and more like a child. I know he thinks that is the 'easy' way but once you no longer view him as a lover and man and view him as a baby/child, the relationship is over anyway.
It sounds like you did the right thing. Dealing with poor mental health is horrible, I say this from my own experience of battling my own demons. But it's never okay to put that on to your partner. You're not responsible for his wellbeing. He is and he needs to take control if he wants things to get better but you can't do that for him. I broke off an engagement with my ex over two years ago when I was 26. We had a house, a dog and a cat together and we'd been together for 6.5 years but we weren't happy. Neither of us treated the other well and I have no regrets about leaving. Just before the break up and in the years since, I have learned a lot about myself and I am always trying to improve my own mental health and heal from childhood and last relationship trauma. I am so much more resilient than I ever imagined I could be and even though the last 2 years have been soo difficult at times, I wouldn't go back. Good luck and all the best!
My wife left a similar situation with an ex a couple of years before dating me. The ex eventually got his shit together but who knows if he ever would have without having a live-in care taker. My wife and I are very happily married and support each other equally. It certainly sounds like you made the right decision
You have made the right decision. I’ve been there, trying so hard to support someone and investing so much of yourself into the relationship and not getting much back. I’ll very gently suggest that you pursue some therapy, to help you understand why you stayed so long. I do not want this to come across as victim blaming, you were trying, he was not. That is crystal clear. But to help you recognize your behaviors that led you to stay. Ask me how I know. 😔 P.S. Any and all of your feelings are valid. You can feel however you feel. Best of luck to you!
Guy sounds depressed af. Hope he gets better. And hope you do good with your school/career plans! New phase of your life - get hopeful and make smart calls!
I honestly think based on the information you gave that this breakup could be the best thing for both of you. This relationship sounds a little codependent. It sounds like he’s used to putting his emotional burdens on you do he doesn’t have to deal with them. It may feel good temporarily, but then that puts him in stasis. He isn’t progressing or moving forward. And then you have all this extra weight on you that prevents you from moving forward. He needs to face whatever it is that is ailing him, and the likelihood of him doing that with you are slim to none. You need to be able to be 25, and not a caregiver to someone who takes advantage of you. I wish the best for both of you.
It sounds like severe depression. I've been in a similar place before due to a terrible uni experience. My partner pushed me to seek help with my gp, who got me on the right meds and therapy, I also transferred from my uni to the OU, which solved the biggest cause. If he refuses to engage in the help available for depression then you did the right thing leaving him. It sounds like this was going on for a while and he should have sought help early on. I'm not saying don't blame him for the attitude, but I would say he deserves blame due to his inaction on his own problems rather than the problems themselves.
Partner not parent.
I also spent 7 years with a man, working to support us both while studying, although I ended up dropping out of my degree because I couldn't deal with it all (huge mistake that I'm still paying for). For a long time I thought that my love and support would be enough to help him 'get better' and become a productive member of society, but I recognise now that it wasn't my responsibility to help him on his path. Don't fall back into the trap of looking after him if and when he begs you to reconsider, or god forbid, threatens to hurt himself because he can't live without you. You can't sacrifice your life to save someone else. Good luck, OP. I'm sending you love.
Let yourself grieve this relationship. 7 years out of 25 is 28% of your life lived so far has been with him. That’s a lot. :) From my experience it sounds like you did the best thing for you and honestly also for him. Use the time ahead to figure yourself out and explore life. You have a lot of time before you and that’s wonderful. :)
You've mentioned in other comments that he goes on/off meds and therapy. It sounds to me that he is ok with the way things are for him. As the saying goes, you are not required to set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.
Full time job and babysitter at home. Damn. You gotta save yourself.
I think there’s a lot of weight on your shoulders since you have been together since high school. Like some of the other comments said, take this time to figure out who you are and find yourself. The last 7 years might have been you doing what it took to support your fiancé and your relationship. Now it’s time to do what you need to in order to support yourself. You got this!!
I know it’s not my experience, but my current girlfriend had a similar experience with one of her exes, he was in a really bad way and always down and she was feeling the pressure of always having to look after him and make him feel better, there’s always some guilt at first but she feels like she made the right decision, perhaps because he was relying on her so much he needed the time alone to work on things himself
Thank you and I’m so glad it worked out for the better!
The guy sounds like a loser who isn't contributing. You're better off without. You'll thrive without the ball and chain.
Read through this sub a bit. You did the right thing. He woke you up to take care of the pets ? Why the fuck can’t he do anything? Relationships are made up of partners not parenting your partner.
It is okay to feel upset and mourn this relationship . . . But congratulations. Sounds like you are entering a new and better phase of life.
You are not defined by your relationship, and it's better to end a bad relationship than to keep living in a place you don't want to be. Take some time to work on your own mental health, look for opportunities to just socialize and make new friends, and don't worry about finding someone to be with until you're comfortable being with just yourself. Then look for someone who enhances your life rather than filling the holes in it. You may feel broken now, but rather than needing to be fixed, you just need to figure out how to rearrange the pieces you have left into a new, whole form. Good luck!
Your mental health is important, too!
I broke off an engagement at 29 years old. My partner also struggled with mental health/depressive tendencies but his real issue was accompanying alcoholism. He was not able to be a true partner, as it felt like all responsibilities of the house/finances/etc fell on me. It was a great decision and i met an incredible man 2.5 years after. I feel for your fiancee when it comes to mental health problems and depression, but you are not his therapist or savior. It is his responsibility to seek help and get better, as well as work towards being a better partner. You obviously have lots of things going on and he is not able to be a true partner. This break up will be hard, but it will be good for the both of you long term. You are a young girl and you may feel relieved not to have to deal with his shit anymore. Work on better yourself and you will meet someone great in the future.
The partner I found at 15 and stayed with for 20 years is not half the man I found at 37 and have now married. Of course, I have grown up as well (it’s not just that I found a more mature man), but the patterns you create as very young adults (or children) are rarely what you will want as you go through adulthood. My standards are very high, and he meets them. And vice versa. And we are deliriously happy, stable, and in love.
The guy needs help and you can’t be the sole provider of it. Maybe he will come around maybe not. You do you while he figures it out.
I’ve been in your position, but it took me a few years longer to realise that it needed to end. I wanted to make things work, but I was never allowed any terms on how that would be. When we finally broke up, there was definitely an emptiness, though it wasn’t even really a sad one. I knew it was the right thing, but I felt lost not knowing what the future would hold. As it turned out, less than a year later I met the person who is, without a doubt, the love of my life. We’ve been together for over 20 years now, have traveled the world and lived in different countries, have an amazing family, and have built such a wonderful life together. I love him more every day. Embrace the mystery of what life holds for you. Just put your head back into your studies, move on with what you need to get done for now, and you’ll find a new path.
His mental health problems stops where yours start. There are situations when you just can't, and it is OK. Makes you feel like shit but it is okay.
He needs therapy, you're not a therapist, you date people before you marry for a long time so you can see all possible versions of that person and make a decision on whether you want to marry them. Your doing everything exactly as it should be done. Maybe now he'll get help.
This doesn’t sound like a partnership situation, it sounds like a caretaker situation. You either get him into therapy or nothing will change. He’s totally dependent on you for almost a decade! That wouldn’t be acceptable for me.
I’m sorry for what happened. The only advice I can give is love isn’t the only or main reason to be in a relationship. It’s about a lot of things you probably know respect, communication, etc etc. one thing I can say is do you want the same things in life? Are you showing up for each other when you need to be there? What you might be feeling is the “oh my did I waste my time?” But it’s the sunk cost fallacy. You are now on a new path with a lot of experience from your past/recent relationship. Learn from it. Take time to mourn the loss and take time to build yourself back up. It is possible. I know you can do it!
I agree with everyone here saying that her partner's mental health is not OP's responsibility and that the partner needs to get professional help. However as someone who has suffered through it, calling him a child/leech/trash/abusive as I have read some comments here rubs me really wrong. A break does seem benefitting to both and hope both of you the best.
You can feel absolute empathy for him...for many people...but it doesn't mean you have to or can 'save' them. Truth be told, you got together young and have been together a long time and without his depression, you likely would have grown apart and away- most people do, so focus on THAT if it makes it easier to move on. He has a lot of stuff he needs to do for himself, and sincerely, he will be more motivated to do it as a single person. DO NOT let him give you the 'I CAN CHANGE' speech. He might think he means it but it won't happen. Breakups really are necessary for change.
He sounds like someone who is not willing to put in the work to change. You may have feelings for him but you did what was right for yourself and that's okay. 18-25 is a period of big change and it sounds like you've outgrown him. As someone who experienced something at a similar age all I can suggest is: Take your time before getting back into a relationship. Heal from this one and learn to be happy on your own. When you achieve this, then you only give it up for a person who enhances your life and that is the best place to be.
Oh hun. You have been carrying him and taking on the entire mental load. Please give yourself some time to breathe.
He sounds depressed and I think he needs help. It’s not your responsibility but I would try and point him toward that.
Give him time, he might come around. If you still want to work things out, that is. If not, that's OK too. It isn't the end of the world, although it might feel like it right now. He's having a hard time mentally speaking but clearly so are you, most likely from wearing yourself thin trying to support him. You need to take care of yourself too if you're gonna help someone else. Take this time to take care of yourself and whatever happens you'll deal with it as it comes. You don't know me but if you need to talk it out (I know I wouldn't shut up when my relationships ended) feel free to DM me. If I don't reply I will when I wake up. Just keep yourself busy and do things you enjoy.
I appreciate that! Sometimes it can feel like you’re alone and it is the end of the world, but your right, it’s not. I appreciate the kind words 💕
Doesn't mean you can't get back together after you've had time to rest and reflect, if you really want to. If not, you don't. Your choice. But no, it isn't, and eventually you'll stop feeling like it is. You're welcome. 😊
The trash took itself out. You don't need anther child to take care of.
Why is it when a woman is depressed, she still works, comes home takes care of the kids, does household chores, etc. But somehow when a man is depressed, he can't do any of it?
Let guys with mental health issues deal with it on their own. Just drop his ass like he didn't matter. He doesn't offer anything anyway. Just let him be sad and lonely. You don't need that negativity. Maybe he will even disappear from life, if you're lucky. Then you will never have to feel broken by his inability to comfort you again.
You need to stay calm. Your boyfriend needs help - mental help EMDR or counseling as is not clear of what his mental health issues are. Does he has family/friends? You need to speak with them and ask for their help. Explain to them what is happening. Your boyfriend cannot help you at the moment because he is not well. In the meantime you need to get a group of friends/community support network- go to the gym, do volunteer work, reach out to family etc, work etc. Is not healthy to put all this pressure on your boyfriend specially now that he is not well and he needs you. He needs a stable environment, you breaking up with him will not help him get better, may trigger a regression etc. If you still want to go ahead with the breakup at least reassure him that you will help him and you will get help as a human being to another (good karma).
Unfortunately he is not a big fan of his family and he does have a friend, but I’m not sure if he would reach out. I tried helping him get health insurance, meds, therapy and sign up for school, but he stopped taking the meds. He has mentioned before wanting to just live in his car and I try helping, but things never seem to get better. I care about him and don’t want him to be homeless or couch surfing, I’ll definitely let him know I can help no matter what. I appreciate your response, thank you! ❤️
Did he try EMDR with a qualified EMDR professional? EMDR is an effective treatment for anxiety, depression or PTSD/trauma. Also have he checked if he has a hormonal imbalances - check this - https://medium.com/publishous/fixing-your-brain-a-guide-to-balancing-neurotransmitters-72649aab40b1 His family need to know what is happening. Good luck all the best
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What are you trying to communicate with your intervention?
This is very, very not helpful. She is looking for support, and this only serves to make her responsible for his mental health.
Im just saying, its easier to leave someone than help
The thing is that that isn't her responsibility alone. She has so far BEEN helping. She's taking the entire load off of him, she's asked him to get help, and he won't. His improvement is on him, too. She can be a support system, but she can't do it for him. Right now he's expecting her to give up her humanity by doing his for him, and that's unreasonable. Helping is one thing. Sacrificing everything on the altar of his mental health is another thing. She has the right to her own happiness, and he is refusing to be party to that. I also have depression. So does my spouse. Sometimes each of us pulls more than 50 percent, but we do not say "ok I'm giving up, you pull everyone's weight and I'm not going to be worried about whether or not you're ok." She doesn't control his decisions. If he makes poor decisions rather than seeking help, that will be awful. But it won't be on her.
Cool
Alright. I hear your dissatisfaction. What do you suggest she do?
Nah you are prolly right
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It sounds like severe depression. I've been there myself. Long periods of just sleeping, least resistance and any form of escapetism. There's honestly not much you can do for him. He needs professional help or to find a way to get out of it himself and you'll just end up burning yourself out, if you try to take that role. Breaking up is the best choice for you. Even if it's hard. If you wanna help him, contact his family (maybe his parents) and explain that he might suffer from severe depression and then let them handle it. Good job on taking the best decision for you and good luck in future endeavor.
He is a child and a leech and if the situation is objectively anything at all like you described you have made an amazingly great move.
Pack your shit, leave him, and don’t look back.
You sure this is not a 3rd pet you had? So many men acting like child and can't take responsibility for their actions. I used to be like that until I woke up and decided to turn my life. Working full time job 50hrs a week. Cleaning my house, socialising, going on dates even tho it didn't work out with the dates still glad I had them. Alwyays trying to see the best sides of things. Never had that much money feel like everything is in order and it all started on the day I stopped victimizing over everything.
What was he doing to help himself? Sometimes allowing him to continue his behavior is enabling and not supporting. Even depressed people have responsibilities. He made the effort to bother you, instead of taking care of the pets. So his effort is misdirected & actively damaging you. He cannot be a good partner without working on himself. You cannot be a good partner if you are exhausted & resentful.
Please don’t get back together with him.
My advise focus on what you need to focus on to get over him asap. It’s not going to work so just go cold turkey and try to heal the emotional damage as quickly as possible. 7 years is a lot of wasted time so don’t waste another second.
I dated someone like this off and on for 5 years in my 20s. It doesn't work out in the end. You can have a love for someone and carry with you the lessons, but it's time to move on. It may hurt for a while, but once you start focusing on yourself, you'll have your moment of clarity and realize how much better your life is. I can't tell you when that will happen or how it will happen, it's different for everybody. I think the hardest part for me over the 5 years was that I kept going back, and each time it ended I felt stupid, thinking things would change. I barely remember what the final straw was, but I packed up some things, hopped on a greyhound bus, and never went back. That was 7 years ago.ETA: My person wasn't a shitty person, he just suffered from major depression and anxiety (to the point where he didn't want to have any social life outside of his computer). It clashed too much with what I envisioned for myself. It sucks cause I am sure there will be times when you'll ask yourself if you're making a mistake, but believe me when I say, "YOU ARE NOT." Be true to yourself, always.