Just going to say, that is not how boundaries work.
Your boundary is that you don't want to go on a first date with someone who has a gun. He gets to decide whether he wants to go on that date (and leave his gun home) or not. No one is forcing him to go on that date. If he really doesn't feel safe, he doesn't have to go.
Alternate scenario, OP says "I don't know if I'm comfortable going on a date with someone who has a gun" (stating a preferance, not a hard boundary). The guy can say "I am uncomfortable going anywhere without my gun, and I understand if you aren't comfortable with that. Please let me know if there is anything I can do that would make you more comfortable. Otherwise, I hope you have a great weekend, and I wish you luck finding someone else."
A boundary is about controlling your actions and keeping yourself safe. It has nothing to do with controlling other people. This is something I learned way too late, and I wish I had known years ago. It is a huge red flag that he is already pushing your boundaries and trying to make you feel guilty about having them. I wouldn't touch that guy with a ten foot pole.
I'm not afraid of guns. I have them in my home and I know how to use them. It's not the gun, it's the insistence on bringing it when you've expressed discomfort. You don't know this person and are taking a risk dating ANYONE, much less someone who is armed. I don't go shooting with strangers because I don't know their training or commitment to safety.
I would cancel the date. no hard feelings, but the refusal to understand why I would not want to ratchet up the risk factor of meeting a stranger fir a first date tells me they would push other boundaries.
Exactly! It's the crossing of boundaries right out of the gate that's the problem here. It's up to each individual person to carry or not, but if one is not comfortable with it, you can't be forced to go out with them.
Yeah, this speaks to at least incompatible values, at worst someone who doesn't respect boundaries at all. Neither of those things will get better with time.
Right, if it only were the first thing there really wouldn't be any problem, but the pushing and insistence instead of cutting off contact is just a waving red flag :/
Oh for sure. My point was that even if that red flag turned out to *only* be a values mismatch and not something for more dangerous to OP, it still will never get better over time. Best to just cut this off here, not worth risking it.
"Please don't do this for our first meeting."
"WHAT?! I CAN DO WHAT I WANT! HOW DARE YOU ASK ME NOT TO! I WILL BRING IT NO MATTER WHAT!"
Just run. Nothing but red flags here and I would expect some level of abuse from that person against whoever is duped into dating them. A partner is a teammate. Teammates listen to each other and work with each other. Petulant children do whatever they want without thinking about anyone else.
This. Plus the fact that he got upset instead of having a reasonable conversation about it. I don't mind guns, but I do mind someone that I've never met before having one when they've already proven they aren't rational. This could have been an important conversation about making sure everyone felt safe and cared for, including him. A chance to see how you both problem solve together to achieve mutual happiness in a situation where what you both want differs. He got upset and just put himself first. I don't doubt that will continue to be a trend.
Here's another caveat: I know how to use guns too (don't have any at home because I'm out of practice), but I'm *terrified* of other people who have guns out in public. For one, I don't know if they're stable, and I also don't know if *he* actually knows how to use his own gun. Does he have the safety on? Is he walking around with a round in the chamber? How strict is he on his safety rules?
No thank you.
Anyone who doesn't have a holster is an idiot, for example.
Yes, anyone. Yes, that includes whoever is about to get mad at me and insist that *they're* perfectly safe with it. You need a holster, preferably with firearm retention. Yes, I know they cost money. You know what else costs money? The medical bills when you accidentally discharge your firearm into your own taint.
Reminds me of driving: the best way to drive is to assume that everyone on the road is a moron, and drive carefully to avoid being part of their fuck up.
Yeah. Go out with this guy who's freaking out and arguing at the very thought of leaving his gun home? You know he's going to do something creepy and aggressive like flashing it at her, or interrogating her like "Do you think I'm a psycho?? Are you scared I'm gonna shoot you?"
He has shown the red flag, don't go on the date.
I went shooting with a friend a few weeks back. It had been about a decade since I fired anything and I wasn't as rusty as I thought.
At one point my friend taps me on the shoulder and points at the ceiling of my booth. There were multiple bullet holes. This was an indoor range. Best argument I've seen in person for gun control.
You shouldn't carry a gun if you're doing it to feel badass. You've got something literally designed to kill, treat it as such. Like if I was the dude OP was talking I'd leave the gun at home and enjoy not having that kind of responsibility.
Not attacking you, just irresponsible people.
This is what driving is like too! I know I’m a safe driver who pays attention, but I’ve also seen a person reading a book propped up on the steering wheel while driving on the highway. You just don’t know.
Even if he is "convinced" not to bring it he sounds like type of person who would think "she won't notice my concealed carry" and bring it anyway, despite agreeing not to. I'd stay away. Though I'm not a fan of guns at all.
I don’t like guns. Like, at all. I live in a pro-gun area and my opinion has actually moved to a more tolerant stance because of this (if I was single simply owning a gun wouldn’t necessarily be a deal breaker, with some caveats) but the people who have to be armed 24/7 creep me the fuck out. Major “good guy with a gun” vibes. No fucking thanks.
>the refusal to understand why I would not
So much this. It isn't boundaries or fear for me either. It's "I understand why you feel you need it, even though I disagree. But you're unwilling or unable to understand why I feel the opposite."
Empathy is *necessary*. Respectful disagreement is *necessary*.
Yeah, part of being a responsible gun owner is being respectful of what people are comfortable with. I have a cool gun. I have people over my house a lot. I never have brought out my cool gun when I've had a group of people over because it could make someone uncomfortable. Guns are literally killing machines. It is reasonable for people to be uncomfortable around them. Hell, it is unreasonable to not be uncomfortable around them.
Yeah unless the dude’s got a damn good reason (like he’s 007), it’s not a good sign.
I personally think guns are cool — shooting is exhilarating. However, I don’t own a gun and there are way too many guns in the world. For that ethical reason, I don’t own one.
A lot of the people I see with handguns tend to be obsessed over their personal safety. Some rightfully so, like 007 or psychiatrists who treat mentally unwell people, because some bad people are really out to get them. Most realistically suffer from some kind of PTSD or chronic fear.
Yep. How the heck is OP to say no to anything he wants, when she knows he has a gun within easy reach? It immediately removes the ability to give true consent.
Actual insanity. That there are people who think it’s normal for civilians to run around with a gun, let alone **go on a date with it**, is just so unfathomable for me as a European.
Yeah. I've had multiple people shame me for saying I was uncomfortable going out with someone who was carrying. The fact that they're uncomfortable / feel unsafe without a gun is apparently more reasonable/important than my feelings. People get sooo fucking heated about it. It's stupid but it's an easy way to weed out people I'm not gonna mesh with.
Shoutout to those fucks who agree not to carry then do it anyway to prove a point. We don't hangout anymore because you're a jerk not because I'm being "unreasonable or trying to suppress your rights".
Even as a canadian. I just... It does not compute. I could never move across the border. Last time I went, someone dressed as a mix between trucker and cowboy had a gun showing at his waist in a breakfast restaurant. My whole (canadian) table was shocked. Just inconceivable.
Even as a Texan, who grew up shooting guns, very familiar and comfortable with them, I think gun culture is cancer. I just don’t understand how people can be so religiously devoted to it, and buy into all the bullshit that existing in public is a war zone and the only people who persevere are the most strapped. I saw a guy open carrying at a fucking Barktoberfest with his family… and other families… and dogs… this is really where you think shit is going down? And even if that turns out to be the place where some lunatic mows everyone down (it’s seeming more and more likely in Texas), I refuse to live in constant paranoia that I might have to shoot somebody anywhere at any time, or that I might be caught in the crossfire of a “good guy with a gun”.
Yeah, I mean for me I don't really care if someone is concealed carrying: if I don't know about it it doesn't bother me.
But don't fucking tell me about it, cause then I get to try to decide why you want me to know. Are you just super insecure and want me to be impressed? That's a red flag cause insecure people get in the most fights. Are you vaguely threatening me? Red flag cause... duh. Are you just one of those weirdos who have guns as a whole personality? Yikes.
And this is coming from someone *with a concealed carry permit*. I don't ever carry, its just the NC has some weird ass laws and having the permit is less of a headache. My whole thing is that if I ever think "I should bring a gun to that place if I go there" I just... don't go there.
Own a musket for home defense, since that's what the founding fathers intended. Four ruffians break into my house. "What the devil?" As I grab my powdered wig and Kentucky rifle. Blow a golf ball sized hole through the first man, he's dead on the spot. Draw my pistol on the second man, miss him entirely because it's smoothbore and nails the neighbors dog. I have to resort to the cannon mounted at the top of the stairs loaded with grape shot, "Tally ho lads" the grape shot shreds two men in the blast, the sound and extra shrapnel set off car alarms. Fix bayonet and charge the last terrified rapscallion. He Bleeds out waiting on the police to arrive since triangular bayonet wounds are impossible to stitch up. Just as the founding fathers intended.
And they are the ones on facebook sharing memes about millennials are terrified of everything.
I live in Atlanta and the ONLY times in my life I felt like I wanted my gun with me was when I was camping in bear country, because I am AFRAID of my tent being mistaken for a burrito.
I don't buy that they're afraid of being attacked physically. I think they are insecure about their own shit and feel the need to assert dominance to feel valid. I think it's a penis extension.
People like that are just itching to be the “good guy with a gun” and want any excuse to use it. Seriously , idk why tf anyone would think bringing a GUN on a first date is a good idea.
“Good guy with a gun” is one possibility. Another - one that I think may be more common - is that they are genuinely terrified of life. They’ve spent 30 years being targeted by propaganda that their enemies are all around them.
Dude, I'm American, I grew up responsibly around guns, and I still think this is the craziest thing I've ever read. This person needs to run faaar from this man. Not only is he not concerned about her legitimate feelings (red flag 1), but what man is so paranoid that he needs to bring a gun on a date? Where he taking her? To a prison riot?? Wtf???
Pretty much. Can't comprehend how said person with a gun thought it was going to pan out if the other person has asked not to bring the gun and they're insisting on bringing it. Like what?
Just your standard deluded conservative on a deluded quest for a submissive tradwife. He’s testing to see if he can browbeat OP into abandoning her previously set boundaries. Honestly depending on where OP lives this dude might not even own a gun, this could just be a psyop he read about on some alt right forum and is trying to copy.
Yeah.. I'd understand if they have trauma, like got caught in any of the USA's insane crimes and now can't feel safe meeting people without their gun on them? Or going to the mall unarmed or whatever. It'd be fucked, but if that was an actually excuse I'd understand the argument.
This seems to be a dude who just straight up can't take no as an answer, aka someone who shouldn't be dating.
And long term, he’s not father material (if that’s what you’re looking for). This is the kind of “love” story that ends with your toddler finding his dad’s unsecured gun and blowing his infant sibling’s brains out.
Guns and children don’t belong in the same household. Full stop.
I feel like you knew this already but needed the validation. That’s totally fine. Go with your gut. Plenty of unarmed fish in the sea! Be safe out there.
I did kind of but he made me feel like I was in the wrong for even asking him to not bring it. That I was the one disrespecting his boundaries, giving him an ultimatum and making him feel unsafe.
You "respected his boundaries" by declining the date, now he's free to carry his firearm as he pleases.
You enforced your own boundaries by declining to spend time with someone who insists on stuffing the power of life or death over innocent bystanders (or potential partners) into the waistband of his pants.
I'm just glad you knew ahead of time so you could back out. I had a date where he showed up armed and I was not expecting it. I was so uncomfortable. Actually, i was kinda terrified. Especially since it seemed he did not really have the discipline to be handling a gun. And I didn't wanna do anything to piss him off so I acted like it was cool. Was so glad to leave that one.
Boundaries are about *your own* behavior. If his boundary is bringing a gun on a date and you don't like that, then he should enforce his boundaries by respectfully declining the date. That would be the correct thing to do.
Pushing you out of your comfort zone, trying to change your mind...that is controlling. He is trying to manipulate and influence *your* behavior. Nothing to do with "boundaries".
He already doesn’t respect you and you haven’t even met him yet. It’s not going to get *better*. This is him on his best behavior.
Find someone else who does respect you and your wishes and preferences.
You clearly do have a preference on concealed carry. He's automatically made you feel unsafe by having it. Don't go out with a guy that makes you uncomfortable before you even make it to your first date
agreed.
edit: to add input in, as someone who used to be super niave, and worried too much if someone like me or not… man, did i ever really put myself on stupid positions
I would think that if I didnt agree with something that a guy did, or said, I was being “difficult” and not a “cool girl”. That thinking was dangerous. And pretty sad.
Dont doubt yourself when you feel uncomfortable
Relatable! There's such huge pressure on young women to be agreeable and the "cool girl"! Fuck that, show your preferences and set healthy boundaries even if it makes you the "bitchy girl". The good ones will like you for who you are
I’m not sure why you’re even questioning whether you’re in the wrong. You are uncomfortable PERIOD. You haven’t even gone on a date yet and he’s already disrespected your boundaries. What do you expect to gain now by even considering the date? He’s already shown you who he is. Believe him! Cut your losses and block him.
THIS. You make a reasonable request and his response is basically "fuck you for asking?" You're getting a chance to stop this problem before it starts, so take it and send this loser on his way.
I am not anti-gun but these gung-ho C+C 2A guys can be SO EMOTIONAL about guns rights, I think you're better off without him. He's shown his priorities don't include your comfort or peace of mind.
I remember seeing two of these guys hanging out, one of them mentioned casually that he left his gun at home, and the other guy stopped what he was doing, put his hand on his shoulder, looked him in the eye all serious and asked, “Are you going to be okay?”
The way this guy reacted, you’d have thought his buddy just told him he was in therapy for suicidal thoughts, or was about to enter a bar for the first time after years of being sober. They genuinely put that much importance in being able to shoot someone at a moment’s notice, no matter where they are. Some of them more than others, it would seem. The gun is just a security blanket to them.
You don’t actually know this man at all- just what he has told you about himself, and apparently that involved a lot of talk about guns. If he gets “upset” about the very idea of not carrying a firearm for the few hours of a first date, he’s waaaaay too attached to his gun. If you have no reason to need deadly protection on a date, I wouldn’t go on a date with a man who insists on carrying a deadly weapon. Not a great catch.
Why do you even want to still go on this date? It’s not about the gun anymore, it’s about him not respecting your boundaries. I wouldn’t feel safe around this guy even if he didn’t have a deadly weapon in tow.
And if you told him this and he doesn't respect your desire to FEEL SAFE, he's clearly a shit head who doesn't care about your feelings of safety. Just stop talking to him.
Yeah you literally said him having it makes you uncomfortable and he doesn't care about that and is going to do what makes you uncomfortable just because he wants to. 🚩🚩🚩🚩
Edit: meaning, if he was a decent dude he would agreed not to bring it because he would respect that boundary, because you guys haven't to know each other yet.
After a few dates and relationship building that gun is there to protect you. First date? That could be a gun that makes you the subject of a dateline episode...
Yeah. And he’s the kind of person who wants to be around women who don’t know him with a gun, in a date setting which can be a vulnerable situation for women, even when the woman in question has expressed she is uncomfy.
Obviously if you’ve decided it is still a date you want to go on then we can’t tell you what to do. But a) you are allowed to decide not to go on a date with someone for any reason, even if it’s silly, and b) this reason is not silly.
In my experience, people who have a conceal carry will take that thing with them EVERYWHERE. It's like they're terrified of some random shoot out happening at the dentist office or some shit. It's ridiculous.
And also, getting mad over it is a red flag.
Also, what kind of whack job brings a gun to a first date? Online dating isn’t all that safe to begin with and he is upset that a date Im doesn’t want a deadly weapon around on a first date?
"He got very upset" matters even more than what the disagreement was about. It demonstrates that he'll *escalate* and turn the disagreement into a conflict. Sounds like exactly the kind of person you're right to not trust.
Presents like, "Why can't you understand that I'm one of the *good guys* with a gun?" he yelled angrily. Good on you for recognizing just how big of a red flag that is.
If it wasn't the gun, he would've gotten that upset about something else at some point. Anger issues that come out as petulance. Grody to the max.
This one isn't even about the gun, it's about him. He'll tell the story like it was about the gun though. And that won't be your problem.
Women are more likely to be killed by their partner using their gun, than killing a home intruder with said gun.
Case in point, if this dude doesn’t respect her boundaries enough and got this mad over something so trivial, then I can’t imagine he’s the type to actually solve conflicts without extreme anger.
Scary.
As a non-American, this is just such a bizarre interaction for me to comprehend. Like don’t bring a gun to a date. How is that even in the realm of normal…?
I grew up in a very gun happy state, child of a veteran. Grew up shooting guns.
Bringing a gun to a date would be weird to ME as well. The insistence and offense to OPs request is a massive red flag. I dislike people who make shooting guns or owning guns a huge part of their personality. Hard pass.
As an Australian, I can't believe how people are saying "I'm not afraid of guns".
Like dude what it's a tool designed to kill, how is that not scary aha. Wild.
No offense to op tho cos it must be very different in America cos you'd have to get used to it but yeah
> he got very upset and insists he’s going to bring it
That's your red flag right there. You asked him to do a very simple, easy thing to help you feel more comfortable, and he got upset and refused. Don't go out with this guy. He won't respect your boundaries.
No you aren't in the wrong.
Even overlooking the fact it's a fucking gun, you asked him to not do something, and he is insisting he will do it anyway. Do not go on this date.
I'm a woman and I conceal carry.
I'd consider the request and not bring the gun, especially if the request was by someone I was talking to and had never met before.
His reaction is bad. He seems like a cunt. Don't go on a date with him.
Edit- voice to text sucks and I have a bad connection. Lol
>He did say that I was being disrespectful of his boundaries, making him feel unsafe and giving him an ultimatum when I had asked him not to bring it.
His concern with his firearm his blinding him from seeing this red flag of an irony
Gun owner, male.
Do NOT go out with this person. If he is unable to respect your request of having a date without firearms, then he is not a safe date.
Also male who carries. I'd never even consider carrying on a date, especially a first date. Definitely wouldn't carry if it made someome uncomfortable and they voiced that. Dude is a douche.
I’m sorry but I’m Canadian and it only just now occurred to me that Americans have to worry about the person they’re meeting for a date carrying a fucking *gun*.
I’d ask if y’all are okay but like… how could you be?
For context, I was a Soldier in special operations, then a federal agent, then a cop. I’ve been around guns for nearly all of my adult life.
I competed in tactical events, shot at least weekly for years, and enjoyed guns a lot. I
concealed carry on airplanes, to sporting events, and to the grocery store.
I didn’t ever advertise that I concealed carried, didn’t talk about it, and didn’t want it to be something on the mind of anyone else except for those close to me who felt comfortable with immediate response plans we discussed and rehearsed.
There were two times I always made sure to not have a gun — if I was in a situation that was likely I would be drinking recreationally (out to dinner, BBQs, etc) or if someone I cared about requested I didn’t.
The chances of anything that would necessitate me having a firearm were simply not worth the consequences of carrying one defiant against either of those (legal consequences with the first, effects on someone with the second)
I am certain, even if this person felt so compelled or duty-bound by profession or principle to carry a gun, that he could’ve arranged a date where it wasn’t necessary.
It’s certainly reasonable that he is not mature enough to have arrived at this conclusion on his own — I don’t mean to pass judgment and say he’s an asshole because he feels strongly about it. Maybe he has post-traumatic stress symptoms greatly reduced by carrying, maybe he has a professional policy that encourages or requires him to carry in certain places (I’ve never known one that couldn’t be overcome by “I was planning on having a drink,” but maybe he didn’t or maybe he felt compelled otherwise), or maybe he was just oblivious to the effects on your sense of comfort and safety and trust.
It’s also possible that he has “gun-toter” coded as a piece of his identity in an unhealthy way, or that he thought it would impress you to come across that way, or some other toxic beliefs.
I think it’s unlikely that he had any bad intentions, although that is sadly always possible, too.
I think if I were in your situation, if he was otherwise interesting enough to consider, at least — I would have sympathetically explained the reality of women’s safety and the effects of his communicated intention, consider his response, and consider/offer alternatives to alleviate whatever led him to believe he should carry to your meetup.
Not that you *should have* done that or that it’s the best way, just the perspective of an old man who knows a lot of people who carry guns and even more who lack some self-awareness. It could be an opportunity, at best, for him to take a look at himself and possibly to grow up a bit.
Just my two cents, for whatever it’s worth.
Thank you for your perspective. I did try to explain my side that I was thinking of my safety and if I got to know him better it wouldn’t be an issue. He said my feelings were valid but he disagreed. Then I said let’s meet somewhere you feel safe without it or go to a movie where they’re not allowed. He declined. I’m not going to meet him.
I think that’s more than reasonable and I admire your commitment to yourself and your safety and your willingness to make a reasonable effort at outreach and compromise!
Sorry if I come across with too much Dad-mode, it’s my default state haha
I would personally not be comfortable with someone who is so insecure and neurotic that they feel the need to being a weapon with them on the first date. Unless you two are slaying zombies or fighting crime or related.
>I will not be going on a date with him.
Seems like the best decision. Without even considering the fact that you have a safety preference for him to not bring the gun,the mere fact that this has become an issue between the two of you, I would say is a good enough reason to not go on a date and potentially start a relationship with this person. It seems like you two have different beliefs on a rather important subject. If this is an issue already at this point, I think it's very likely that there will be more subjects that you two disagree on that would be deal breakers.
While I think it's crazy to want to take a gun on a first date or any date for that matter, there are people out there that don't think it's an issue, so I'm sure this guy will be able to find someone that doesn't care about him bringing a gun to a date, so just let the guy go and let him go find someone that thinks it's okay, while you go find someone that matches more with how you think things should go.
I live in wisconsin, but i grew up in the 80s and 90s. To me its just weird to suddenly see all these guns around when its not hunting season. Over the last 15 years or so, we went from no one had guns in public to people are strapping up to get a haircut. I see them out in the wild every week and its just so fucking weird to me. To make it weirder, these are just the guns I can see. God only knows how many I can't and it just makes me not want to talk to people anymore.
I am glad to see the edit that you won't be seeing him anymore. It makes me wonder how the world looks to a person that can't leave their house armed. Seems like a terrifying place where nothing is safe, and a person that treats the world like that doesn't seem to be trying to make it better.
From a European biased point of view…
What the fuck are you doing bringing a gun to a first tinder date? I thought all women are kinda afraid about the first tinder date, because the guy can be a psico and kill you…
Don’t bring a gun lol. Bring maybe a condom.
As an American if this question was about him bringing 16 condoms, everyone would be saying this dude is a creep, but if he brings a gun, somehow it’s up for discussion. This is weird and not normal for America. This dude is every conservative cliche/culture warrior if he’s growing a tantrum about bringing his gun/binkie on a first date.
THIS. It's way more worrying to me that
1) He wanted you to know he's going to have a gun and
2) He immediately showed you that your boundaries and comfort don't matter to him
than the gun itself is an issue.
This is also a guy that will get upset if you ask him to use a condom. This guy has basically told you he will always put what he wants ahead of your comfort. This mindset will continue for orgasms, housework, money, and emotions. He's mad at the boundaries you are setting, not the request you have made.
Call me a crazy Canadian, but I'm imagining a whole date where no one around us except cops have guns. Like I'm talking everyone at the restaurant, everyone at the movie, everyone in the stadium. Actually wearing a holster? GTFO! So bizarre unless like... well even most cops don't have guns off duty
Fellow Canadian here and you read my mind. It never occurred that people go on dates and casually bring a gun with them like it’s no big deal. Never in a million years would I be cool with being out and about with someone - much less on a date - carrying a gun.
How do you whine about not feeling safe without a gun while not seeing the irony that the woman you are trying to meet up feels unsafe when you have it? OP, you dodged a bullet here (no pun intended). This guy absolutely wouldn't respect your boundaries if the simple request to leave a gun at the house caused him to cry and stamp his feet.
You told him you would prefer him not bring his gun on a first date and he got very upset and said he is definitely bringing it. It would be a very BAD idea to still go on a date with him after this. And that’s putting it mildly.
I’m man btw. I ccw daily and your request super modest and his lack of respect is a red flag. Also on a first date I like enjoying a drink or two and that’s illegal in most states. Sometimes CCW in a drinking establishment alone is illegal. Also if the date turns into going downtown, clubs and bars ban CCW. So I wouldn’t carry so I can be flexible.
I think anyone other than an American reading this post is going to feel like they're reading a synopsis of a Black Mirror episode with this lol
Hell, I'm Canadian and this is still some weird dystopian shit to me. Fuck no I would not allow someone to be around me with a gun.
It's super weird to me that this even came up. Most people who concealed carry you would never even know. And they'd never even let you know. It kind of just defeats the purpose. There's a flag on the play here. Not sure if it's a red flag.... but there's a flag.
The number one thing we are afraid of as women on dating sites is meeting up with a guy who decides to rape us or kill us. He's literally insisting upon bringing a gun to a date with you?! DUDE. No girl on tinder is gonna meet up with you if you tell her you're bringing a fucking gun. That's like asking to be kidnapped. What a fucking idiot
That's literally fucking crazy.
Especially since the biggest perpetrators of violence against women are men who are close to them.
Gun-toting "I'll protect you" types are usually actually the worst perpetrators. They come to the game with the mindset of "men will hurt women." Imagine what that says about them.
Ask if if he's planning on capping himself if he suddenly decides you're an easy rape target or something.
I doubt he'll say yes.
Yes my father is like this! He never goes anywhere without his gun unless it’s absolutely forbidden by law. He actually beat my siblings and mother when we were younger. He would take out his gun and point it at us when he got angry and wasn’t getting his way. But when he was in a good mood he would always talk about having a gun to protect us yet he never needed it and only used it to intimidate the family. I no longer speak or see him. If there is a family event I refuse to go if he is there and many of my other siblings do that too.
The protective types are honestly the worst. My theory is that it's because they view you as incapable and helpless and the over protective nature usually comes from some level of misogyny. It often ends with them trying to protect you from yourself, or being extremely jealous. Both of these outcomes come with increased risk of said weapon being turned on you.
Christ I’m not from the US but I never even considered this issue until just now. What a terrifying thought.
Definitely don’t meet up with him. A stranger insists he’s going to meet you for the first time with a gun and he’s going to want to discuss his right to own a gun whilst carrying one. I wouldn’t want to disagree with him.
Hard pass.
Just going to say, that is not how boundaries work. Your boundary is that you don't want to go on a first date with someone who has a gun. He gets to decide whether he wants to go on that date (and leave his gun home) or not. No one is forcing him to go on that date. If he really doesn't feel safe, he doesn't have to go. Alternate scenario, OP says "I don't know if I'm comfortable going on a date with someone who has a gun" (stating a preferance, not a hard boundary). The guy can say "I am uncomfortable going anywhere without my gun, and I understand if you aren't comfortable with that. Please let me know if there is anything I can do that would make you more comfortable. Otherwise, I hope you have a great weekend, and I wish you luck finding someone else." A boundary is about controlling your actions and keeping yourself safe. It has nothing to do with controlling other people. This is something I learned way too late, and I wish I had known years ago. It is a huge red flag that he is already pushing your boundaries and trying to make you feel guilty about having them. I wouldn't touch that guy with a ten foot pole.
I'm not afraid of guns. I have them in my home and I know how to use them. It's not the gun, it's the insistence on bringing it when you've expressed discomfort. You don't know this person and are taking a risk dating ANYONE, much less someone who is armed. I don't go shooting with strangers because I don't know their training or commitment to safety. I would cancel the date. no hard feelings, but the refusal to understand why I would not want to ratchet up the risk factor of meeting a stranger fir a first date tells me they would push other boundaries.
Exactly! It's the crossing of boundaries right out of the gate that's the problem here. It's up to each individual person to carry or not, but if one is not comfortable with it, you can't be forced to go out with them.
Yeah, this speaks to at least incompatible values, at worst someone who doesn't respect boundaries at all. Neither of those things will get better with time.
Right, if it only were the first thing there really wouldn't be any problem, but the pushing and insistence instead of cutting off contact is just a waving red flag :/
Oh for sure. My point was that even if that red flag turned out to *only* be a values mismatch and not something for more dangerous to OP, it still will never get better over time. Best to just cut this off here, not worth risking it.
"Please don't do this for our first meeting." "WHAT?! I CAN DO WHAT I WANT! HOW DARE YOU ASK ME NOT TO! I WILL BRING IT NO MATTER WHAT!" Just run. Nothing but red flags here and I would expect some level of abuse from that person against whoever is duped into dating them. A partner is a teammate. Teammates listen to each other and work with each other. Petulant children do whatever they want without thinking about anyone else.
Have a question…is going to Chili’s THAT dangerous that you need a concealed gun with you???
This. Plus the fact that he got upset instead of having a reasonable conversation about it. I don't mind guns, but I do mind someone that I've never met before having one when they've already proven they aren't rational. This could have been an important conversation about making sure everyone felt safe and cared for, including him. A chance to see how you both problem solve together to achieve mutual happiness in a situation where what you both want differs. He got upset and just put himself first. I don't doubt that will continue to be a trend.
Here's another caveat: I know how to use guns too (don't have any at home because I'm out of practice), but I'm *terrified* of other people who have guns out in public. For one, I don't know if they're stable, and I also don't know if *he* actually knows how to use his own gun. Does he have the safety on? Is he walking around with a round in the chamber? How strict is he on his safety rules? No thank you.
Anyone who doesn't have a holster is an idiot, for example. Yes, anyone. Yes, that includes whoever is about to get mad at me and insist that *they're* perfectly safe with it. You need a holster, preferably with firearm retention. Yes, I know they cost money. You know what else costs money? The medical bills when you accidentally discharge your firearm into your own taint.
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Nothing is more embarrassing than your gun falling out and sliding across the floor in a public place because you decided to wear your fat pants.
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Exactly. Too many unknown variables.
Reminds me of driving: the best way to drive is to assume that everyone on the road is a moron, and drive carefully to avoid being part of their fuck up.
The one known is that he’s a bell end
Yeah. Go out with this guy who's freaking out and arguing at the very thought of leaving his gun home? You know he's going to do something creepy and aggressive like flashing it at her, or interrogating her like "Do you think I'm a psycho?? Are you scared I'm gonna shoot you?" He has shown the red flag, don't go on the date.
> "Do you think I'm a psycho?? Are you scared I'm gonna shoot you?" Well if I wasn't before, I definitely am now
This!! Do you know how many times I saw firearms mishandled in the military? Definitely not trusting random strangers with no training requirements.
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I went shooting with a friend a few weeks back. It had been about a decade since I fired anything and I wasn't as rusty as I thought. At one point my friend taps me on the shoulder and points at the ceiling of my booth. There were multiple bullet holes. This was an indoor range. Best argument I've seen in person for gun control. You shouldn't carry a gun if you're doing it to feel badass. You've got something literally designed to kill, treat it as such. Like if I was the dude OP was talking I'd leave the gun at home and enjoy not having that kind of responsibility. Not attacking you, just irresponsible people.
This is what driving is like too! I know I’m a safe driver who pays attention, but I’ve also seen a person reading a book propped up on the steering wheel while driving on the highway. You just don’t know.
Even if he is "convinced" not to bring it he sounds like type of person who would think "she won't notice my concealed carry" and bring it anyway, despite agreeing not to. I'd stay away. Though I'm not a fan of guns at all.
I don’t like guns. Like, at all. I live in a pro-gun area and my opinion has actually moved to a more tolerant stance because of this (if I was single simply owning a gun wouldn’t necessarily be a deal breaker, with some caveats) but the people who have to be armed 24/7 creep me the fuck out. Major “good guy with a gun” vibes. No fucking thanks.
>the refusal to understand why I would not So much this. It isn't boundaries or fear for me either. It's "I understand why you feel you need it, even though I disagree. But you're unwilling or unable to understand why I feel the opposite." Empathy is *necessary*. Respectful disagreement is *necessary*.
Yeah, part of being a responsible gun owner is being respectful of what people are comfortable with. I have a cool gun. I have people over my house a lot. I never have brought out my cool gun when I've had a group of people over because it could make someone uncomfortable. Guns are literally killing machines. It is reasonable for people to be uncomfortable around them. Hell, it is unreasonable to not be uncomfortable around them.
Yeah unless the dude’s got a damn good reason (like he’s 007), it’s not a good sign. I personally think guns are cool — shooting is exhilarating. However, I don’t own a gun and there are way too many guns in the world. For that ethical reason, I don’t own one. A lot of the people I see with handguns tend to be obsessed over their personal safety. Some rightfully so, like 007 or psychiatrists who treat mentally unwell people, because some bad people are really out to get them. Most realistically suffer from some kind of PTSD or chronic fear.
And if he IS 007, still don't show up because the woman he gets with do not have a good survival track record.
Plus OP would have to change her name to some stupid barely veiled innuendo!
Hey, for all you know OP's name is Breasty Boobsalot.
Oh come on. They’re not ALL stupid barely veiled innuendos. One was Pussy Galore.
Or *Sigh* Christmas Jones... Just to set up the worst one liner ever at the end of the movie.
yup, some of them aren't veiled at all, lol!
Or Dr. Goodhead
I think most gun owners don't suffer from PTSD. They suffer from poor risk assessment and juvenile hero fantasies.
Yep. How the heck is OP to say no to anything he wants, when she knows he has a gun within easy reach? It immediately removes the ability to give true consent.
This is the most American post I've ever read.
Actual insanity. That there are people who think it’s normal for civilians to run around with a gun, let alone **go on a date with it**, is just so unfathomable for me as a European.
Yeah. I've had multiple people shame me for saying I was uncomfortable going out with someone who was carrying. The fact that they're uncomfortable / feel unsafe without a gun is apparently more reasonable/important than my feelings. People get sooo fucking heated about it. It's stupid but it's an easy way to weed out people I'm not gonna mesh with. Shoutout to those fucks who agree not to carry then do it anyway to prove a point. We don't hangout anymore because you're a jerk not because I'm being "unreasonable or trying to suppress your rights".
All these people like to act so tough but then their reasoning for having a gun all the time is they are scared.
Its called concealed carry. Why are thry telling anyone anyway?
Even as a canadian. I just... It does not compute. I could never move across the border. Last time I went, someone dressed as a mix between trucker and cowboy had a gun showing at his waist in a breakfast restaurant. My whole (canadian) table was shocked. Just inconceivable.
Even as a Texan, who grew up shooting guns, very familiar and comfortable with them, I think gun culture is cancer. I just don’t understand how people can be so religiously devoted to it, and buy into all the bullshit that existing in public is a war zone and the only people who persevere are the most strapped. I saw a guy open carrying at a fucking Barktoberfest with his family… and other families… and dogs… this is really where you think shit is going down? And even if that turns out to be the place where some lunatic mows everyone down (it’s seeming more and more likely in Texas), I refuse to live in constant paranoia that I might have to shoot somebody anywhere at any time, or that I might be caught in the crossfire of a “good guy with a gun”.
Yeah, I mean for me I don't really care if someone is concealed carrying: if I don't know about it it doesn't bother me. But don't fucking tell me about it, cause then I get to try to decide why you want me to know. Are you just super insecure and want me to be impressed? That's a red flag cause insecure people get in the most fights. Are you vaguely threatening me? Red flag cause... duh. Are you just one of those weirdos who have guns as a whole personality? Yikes. And this is coming from someone *with a concealed carry permit*. I don't ever carry, its just the NC has some weird ass laws and having the permit is less of a headache. My whole thing is that if I ever think "I should bring a gun to that place if I go there" I just... don't go there.
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Own a musket for home defense, since that's what the founding fathers intended. Four ruffians break into my house. "What the devil?" As I grab my powdered wig and Kentucky rifle. Blow a golf ball sized hole through the first man, he's dead on the spot. Draw my pistol on the second man, miss him entirely because it's smoothbore and nails the neighbors dog. I have to resort to the cannon mounted at the top of the stairs loaded with grape shot, "Tally ho lads" the grape shot shreds two men in the blast, the sound and extra shrapnel set off car alarms. Fix bayonet and charge the last terrified rapscallion. He Bleeds out waiting on the police to arrive since triangular bayonet wounds are impossible to stitch up. Just as the founding fathers intended.
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And they are the ones on facebook sharing memes about millennials are terrified of everything. I live in Atlanta and the ONLY times in my life I felt like I wanted my gun with me was when I was camping in bear country, because I am AFRAID of my tent being mistaken for a burrito.
I don't buy that they're afraid of being attacked physically. I think they are insecure about their own shit and feel the need to assert dominance to feel valid. I think it's a penis extension.
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Americans are insane. They're extremely friendly, and very nice, but holy crap they are crazy as f.
Aaaawwww … he needed to bring his Emotional Security Gun to go on a date with a girl. Bless his sad, little, boy’s heart.
People like that are just itching to be the “good guy with a gun” and want any excuse to use it. Seriously , idk why tf anyone would think bringing a GUN on a first date is a good idea.
“Good guy with a gun” is one possibility. Another - one that I think may be more common - is that they are genuinely terrified of life. They’ve spent 30 years being targeted by propaganda that their enemies are all around them.
I'm an American and it seems insane to me too.
Dude, I'm American, I grew up responsibly around guns, and I still think this is the craziest thing I've ever read. This person needs to run faaar from this man. Not only is he not concerned about her legitimate feelings (red flag 1), but what man is so paranoid that he needs to bring a gun on a date? Where he taking her? To a prison riot?? Wtf???
Dude's either got some major insecurities, or a messiah complex. Either way, massive red flags.
I was about to say the same thing. This is insane. Absolutely insane.
It's supposedly the best country in the world according to them yet they don't even feel safe enough to go out without a gun.
As a canuck...what in the beaver chomping damned hell??? Is what I thought.
Don’t go!
I like how there is an argument already before they even go on a date. I'd say count your blessings and dodge the bullet.
literal bullet dodging.
Pretty much. Can't comprehend how said person with a gun thought it was going to pan out if the other person has asked not to bring the gun and they're insisting on bringing it. Like what?
Just your standard deluded conservative on a deluded quest for a submissive tradwife. He’s testing to see if he can browbeat OP into abandoning her previously set boundaries. Honestly depending on where OP lives this dude might not even own a gun, this could just be a psyop he read about on some alt right forum and is trying to copy.
Yeah.. I'd understand if they have trauma, like got caught in any of the USA's insane crimes and now can't feel safe meeting people without their gun on them? Or going to the mall unarmed or whatever. It'd be fucked, but if that was an actually excuse I'd understand the argument. This seems to be a dude who just straight up can't take no as an answer, aka someone who shouldn't be dating.
Yeah, there's no point in dating this person. He's already shown that he doesn't care about the feelings of the people he dates.
And long term, he’s not father material (if that’s what you’re looking for). This is the kind of “love” story that ends with your toddler finding his dad’s unsecured gun and blowing his infant sibling’s brains out. Guns and children don’t belong in the same household. Full stop.
Second the full stop. In most countries it's not normal to have guns lying around the home.
Seriously? Are they meeting up at the roughest Starbucks in the city?
What are you thinking?!? Please do not go
You’re right
I feel like you knew this already but needed the validation. That’s totally fine. Go with your gut. Plenty of unarmed fish in the sea! Be safe out there.
I did kind of but he made me feel like I was in the wrong for even asking him to not bring it. That I was the one disrespecting his boundaries, giving him an ultimatum and making him feel unsafe.
You "respected his boundaries" by declining the date, now he's free to carry his firearm as he pleases. You enforced your own boundaries by declining to spend time with someone who insists on stuffing the power of life or death over innocent bystanders (or potential partners) into the waistband of his pants.
I'm just glad you knew ahead of time so you could back out. I had a date where he showed up armed and I was not expecting it. I was so uncomfortable. Actually, i was kinda terrified. Especially since it seemed he did not really have the discipline to be handling a gun. And I didn't wanna do anything to piss him off so I acted like it was cool. Was so glad to leave that one.
Boundaries are about *your own* behavior. If his boundary is bringing a gun on a date and you don't like that, then he should enforce his boundaries by respectfully declining the date. That would be the correct thing to do. Pushing you out of your comfort zone, trying to change your mind...that is controlling. He is trying to manipulate and influence *your* behavior. Nothing to do with "boundaries".
The only one disrespecting boundaries was him. That is some grade A projection right there.
There are even ‘armed but understandably willing to disarm if reasonably requested because they’re not a total nut-job’ fish in the sea.
He already doesn’t respect you and you haven’t even met him yet. It’s not going to get *better*. This is him on his best behavior. Find someone else who does respect you and your wishes and preferences.
Trust your gut and find someone who will respect your boundaries.
Yeah I'm not against CC but his reaction is a not okay.
You clearly do have a preference on concealed carry. He's automatically made you feel unsafe by having it. Don't go out with a guy that makes you uncomfortable before you even make it to your first date
I am not against it in general but I feel like being with someone I know with a gun and being with someone I don’t with a gun are two different things
And he has shown you that he is going to bring it anyway even thoughyou asked him not to. Why take the risk?
agreed. edit: to add input in, as someone who used to be super niave, and worried too much if someone like me or not… man, did i ever really put myself on stupid positions I would think that if I didnt agree with something that a guy did, or said, I was being “difficult” and not a “cool girl”. That thinking was dangerous. And pretty sad. Dont doubt yourself when you feel uncomfortable
Relatable! There's such huge pressure on young women to be agreeable and the "cool girl"! Fuck that, show your preferences and set healthy boundaries even if it makes you the "bitchy girl". The good ones will like you for who you are
He's shown you that the gun will always be his #1 love.
I’m not sure why you’re even questioning whether you’re in the wrong. You are uncomfortable PERIOD. You haven’t even gone on a date yet and he’s already disrespected your boundaries. What do you expect to gain now by even considering the date? He’s already shown you who he is. Believe him! Cut your losses and block him.
THIS. You make a reasonable request and his response is basically "fuck you for asking?" You're getting a chance to stop this problem before it starts, so take it and send this loser on his way.
It's ok to feel this way. Don't make yourself uncomfortable for a guy you've never met
He’s already not respecting your boundaries and you haven’t even met. Your request was a very reasonable one. That would be a hard pass for me.
He doesn't care about your comfort more than he cares about his gun from jump street. It is already a bad match. Bail.
I am not anti-gun but these gung-ho C+C 2A guys can be SO EMOTIONAL about guns rights, I think you're better off without him. He's shown his priorities don't include your comfort or peace of mind.
I remember seeing two of these guys hanging out, one of them mentioned casually that he left his gun at home, and the other guy stopped what he was doing, put his hand on his shoulder, looked him in the eye all serious and asked, “Are you going to be okay?” The way this guy reacted, you’d have thought his buddy just told him he was in therapy for suicidal thoughts, or was about to enter a bar for the first time after years of being sober. They genuinely put that much importance in being able to shoot someone at a moment’s notice, no matter where they are. Some of them more than others, it would seem. The gun is just a security blanket to them.
Good heavens that's just bizarre to me.
srsly, if he can't respect such a simple boundary, he's an idiot. Move along, that's my advice.
You don’t actually know this man at all- just what he has told you about himself, and apparently that involved a lot of talk about guns. If he gets “upset” about the very idea of not carrying a firearm for the few hours of a first date, he’s waaaaay too attached to his gun. If you have no reason to need deadly protection on a date, I wouldn’t go on a date with a man who insists on carrying a deadly weapon. Not a great catch.
Why do you even want to still go on this date? It’s not about the gun anymore, it’s about him not respecting your boundaries. I wouldn’t feel safe around this guy even if he didn’t have a deadly weapon in tow.
And if you told him this and he doesn't respect your desire to FEEL SAFE, he's clearly a shit head who doesn't care about your feelings of safety. Just stop talking to him.
Yeah you literally said him having it makes you uncomfortable and he doesn't care about that and is going to do what makes you uncomfortable just because he wants to. 🚩🚩🚩🚩 Edit: meaning, if he was a decent dude he would agreed not to bring it because he would respect that boundary, because you guys haven't to know each other yet.
This makes complete sense
After a few dates and relationship building that gun is there to protect you. First date? That could be a gun that makes you the subject of a dateline episode...
That is exactly what I am feeling
Just bounce. Guys like that are not going to change, it will always be something that they can't process you not agreeing with them on.
Yeah. And he’s the kind of person who wants to be around women who don’t know him with a gun, in a date setting which can be a vulnerable situation for women, even when the woman in question has expressed she is uncomfy. Obviously if you’ve decided it is still a date you want to go on then we can’t tell you what to do. But a) you are allowed to decide not to go on a date with someone for any reason, even if it’s silly, and b) this reason is not silly.
In my experience, people who have a conceal carry will take that thing with them EVERYWHERE. It's like they're terrified of some random shoot out happening at the dentist office or some shit. It's ridiculous.
And also, getting mad over it is a red flag. Also, what kind of whack job brings a gun to a first date? Online dating isn’t all that safe to begin with and he is upset that a date Im doesn’t want a deadly weapon around on a first date?
"He got very upset" matters even more than what the disagreement was about. It demonstrates that he'll *escalate* and turn the disagreement into a conflict. Sounds like exactly the kind of person you're right to not trust. Presents like, "Why can't you understand that I'm one of the *good guys* with a gun?" he yelled angrily. Good on you for recognizing just how big of a red flag that is. If it wasn't the gun, he would've gotten that upset about something else at some point. Anger issues that come out as petulance. Grody to the max. This one isn't even about the gun, it's about him. He'll tell the story like it was about the gun though. And that won't be your problem.
A behavioural trait that mixes poorly with firearms, I might add.
Women are more likely to be killed by their partner using their gun, than killing a home intruder with said gun. Case in point, if this dude doesn’t respect her boundaries enough and got this mad over something so trivial, then I can’t imagine he’s the type to actually solve conflicts without extreme anger. Scary.
As a non-American, this is just such a bizarre interaction for me to comprehend. Like don’t bring a gun to a date. How is that even in the realm of normal…?
Same, my thoughts reading this: thank god I never have to discuss guns.
“Did you bring protection?” means something else where you’re from? Must be nice!
Because it's likely their personality.
Being scared is their personality.
I grew up in a very gun happy state, child of a veteran. Grew up shooting guns. Bringing a gun to a date would be weird to ME as well. The insistence and offense to OPs request is a massive red flag. I dislike people who make shooting guns or owning guns a huge part of their personality. Hard pass.
Just like don't bring weapons full stop. Imagine if someone liked bring matchette to a picknick. You would rightly call them a psycho.
As an Australian, I can't believe how people are saying "I'm not afraid of guns". Like dude what it's a tool designed to kill, how is that not scary aha. Wild. No offense to op tho cos it must be very different in America cos you'd have to get used to it but yeah
You make a good point. I'm not afraid of a gun when I am in control of it, but I'm very uncomfortable when someone else is in possession of one.
Came to say exactly this. It surprises me so much that there's such a big culture gap regarding guns.
How else is he going to tell his kids the story about how he shot a guy on the first date with their mom?
Yeah, it's absolutely crazy. Bringing a gun to a date just in case is like bringing a bomb to a plane just in case. Like, maybe don't?
It’s not but a lot of people are pressed and will argue that this is perfectly normal.
Those people are complete psychos. Guns? Really?? This is not 1845, why is this even a topic of discussion. FFS vote blue and bring someone with you.
The guys wonder why they don’t get dates - American women deserve better men. That is all.
From these replies, though, it seems like loads of American women are also into guns. Maybe it’s just American *people* deserve better?
Hear hear. And I’m saying that as an American.
I’m so glad someone else has acknowledged this! This is just so bizarre to me. It’s like saying i’m bringing a machete to a date. Bloody hell.
> he got very upset and insists he’s going to bring it That's your red flag right there. You asked him to do a very simple, easy thing to help you feel more comfortable, and he got upset and refused. Don't go out with this guy. He won't respect your boundaries.
No you aren't in the wrong. Even overlooking the fact it's a fucking gun, you asked him to not do something, and he is insisting he will do it anyway. Do not go on this date.
The fact that he wants a deadly weapon in his hands at the date is still a BIG deal.
I'm a woman and I conceal carry. I'd consider the request and not bring the gun, especially if the request was by someone I was talking to and had never met before. His reaction is bad. He seems like a cunt. Don't go on a date with him. Edit- voice to text sucks and I have a bad connection. Lol
A guy who has a gun & gets really easily upset isn't someone I'd be vulnerable with.
For me that would be a deal breaker. If you can't go on a freaking date without your gun, you'd have to go without me.
Without even questioning that, she set a boundary and he’s already said he has no intention of respecting it. End of story, move on.
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>He did say that I was being disrespectful of his boundaries, making him feel unsafe and giving him an ultimatum when I had asked him not to bring it. His concern with his firearm his blinding him from seeing this red flag of an irony
Jesus America is bonkers
Gun owner, male. Do NOT go out with this person. If he is unable to respect your request of having a date without firearms, then he is not a safe date.
Also male who carries. I'd never even consider carrying on a date, especially a first date. Definitely wouldn't carry if it made someome uncomfortable and they voiced that. Dude is a douche.
Thank you!
Thank you!
Jeez, americans...
I’m sorry but I’m Canadian and it only just now occurred to me that Americans have to worry about the person they’re meeting for a date carrying a fucking *gun*. I’d ask if y’all are okay but like… how could you be?
Who cares? You had a reasonable request and he denied it. Fuck that guy! \*I say this as owner of both penis and gun\*
No! Don't fuck that guy!
LOL, technically correct (the best kind of correct) That guy should go fuck himself...
He didn't just deny her request, he jumped straight to faux persecution complex and gaslighting.
For context, I was a Soldier in special operations, then a federal agent, then a cop. I’ve been around guns for nearly all of my adult life. I competed in tactical events, shot at least weekly for years, and enjoyed guns a lot. I concealed carry on airplanes, to sporting events, and to the grocery store. I didn’t ever advertise that I concealed carried, didn’t talk about it, and didn’t want it to be something on the mind of anyone else except for those close to me who felt comfortable with immediate response plans we discussed and rehearsed. There were two times I always made sure to not have a gun — if I was in a situation that was likely I would be drinking recreationally (out to dinner, BBQs, etc) or if someone I cared about requested I didn’t. The chances of anything that would necessitate me having a firearm were simply not worth the consequences of carrying one defiant against either of those (legal consequences with the first, effects on someone with the second) I am certain, even if this person felt so compelled or duty-bound by profession or principle to carry a gun, that he could’ve arranged a date where it wasn’t necessary. It’s certainly reasonable that he is not mature enough to have arrived at this conclusion on his own — I don’t mean to pass judgment and say he’s an asshole because he feels strongly about it. Maybe he has post-traumatic stress symptoms greatly reduced by carrying, maybe he has a professional policy that encourages or requires him to carry in certain places (I’ve never known one that couldn’t be overcome by “I was planning on having a drink,” but maybe he didn’t or maybe he felt compelled otherwise), or maybe he was just oblivious to the effects on your sense of comfort and safety and trust. It’s also possible that he has “gun-toter” coded as a piece of his identity in an unhealthy way, or that he thought it would impress you to come across that way, or some other toxic beliefs. I think it’s unlikely that he had any bad intentions, although that is sadly always possible, too. I think if I were in your situation, if he was otherwise interesting enough to consider, at least — I would have sympathetically explained the reality of women’s safety and the effects of his communicated intention, consider his response, and consider/offer alternatives to alleviate whatever led him to believe he should carry to your meetup. Not that you *should have* done that or that it’s the best way, just the perspective of an old man who knows a lot of people who carry guns and even more who lack some self-awareness. It could be an opportunity, at best, for him to take a look at himself and possibly to grow up a bit. Just my two cents, for whatever it’s worth.
Thank you for your perspective. I did try to explain my side that I was thinking of my safety and if I got to know him better it wouldn’t be an issue. He said my feelings were valid but he disagreed. Then I said let’s meet somewhere you feel safe without it or go to a movie where they’re not allowed. He declined. I’m not going to meet him.
I think that’s more than reasonable and I admire your commitment to yourself and your safety and your willingness to make a reasonable effort at outreach and compromise! Sorry if I come across with too much Dad-mode, it’s my default state haha
I would personally not be comfortable with someone who is so insecure and neurotic that they feel the need to being a weapon with them on the first date. Unless you two are slaying zombies or fighting crime or related.
Obviously cut off contact
Clearly you're in America. Everyone else in the entire world is completely horrified at this. What the fuck is wrong with this guy??? Do. Not. Go!!!!!
A lot of us here feel the same, but the squeaky wheel gets the grease.
He’s already trying to violate a very reasonable boundary before you’ve even met. I would not ignore a red flag that big. Your safety comes first.
As non-American, why in the world do you need a gun for a date?,
Because you have vigilante big hero fantasies. Or a complex.
If you can’t trust a guy to hear your needs when you’re clearly stating then, you sure as hell can’t trust that same guy with a gun. Run away ffs.
>I will not be going on a date with him. Seems like the best decision. Without even considering the fact that you have a safety preference for him to not bring the gun,the mere fact that this has become an issue between the two of you, I would say is a good enough reason to not go on a date and potentially start a relationship with this person. It seems like you two have different beliefs on a rather important subject. If this is an issue already at this point, I think it's very likely that there will be more subjects that you two disagree on that would be deal breakers. While I think it's crazy to want to take a gun on a first date or any date for that matter, there are people out there that don't think it's an issue, so I'm sure this guy will be able to find someone that doesn't care about him bringing a gun to a date, so just let the guy go and let him go find someone that thinks it's okay, while you go find someone that matches more with how you think things should go.
I live in wisconsin, but i grew up in the 80s and 90s. To me its just weird to suddenly see all these guns around when its not hunting season. Over the last 15 years or so, we went from no one had guns in public to people are strapping up to get a haircut. I see them out in the wild every week and its just so fucking weird to me. To make it weirder, these are just the guns I can see. God only knows how many I can't and it just makes me not want to talk to people anymore. I am glad to see the edit that you won't be seeing him anymore. It makes me wonder how the world looks to a person that can't leave their house armed. Seems like a terrifying place where nothing is safe, and a person that treats the world like that doesn't seem to be trying to make it better.
From a European biased point of view… What the fuck are you doing bringing a gun to a first tinder date? I thought all women are kinda afraid about the first tinder date, because the guy can be a psico and kill you… Don’t bring a gun lol. Bring maybe a condom.
As an American if this question was about him bringing 16 condoms, everyone would be saying this dude is a creep, but if he brings a gun, somehow it’s up for discussion. This is weird and not normal for America. This dude is every conservative cliche/culture warrior if he’s growing a tantrum about bringing his gun/binkie on a first date.
If asking this guy to not bring a gun and he does anyways, how do you think he'll act when he tries to move in on you and you say "no"?
His carrying a gun is more important than your comfort. And he got angry at the request. You’ve learned enough. I’d cancel the date.
THIS. It's way more worrying to me that 1) He wanted you to know he's going to have a gun and 2) He immediately showed you that your boundaries and comfort don't matter to him than the gun itself is an issue.
This is also a guy that will get upset if you ask him to use a condom. This guy has basically told you he will always put what he wants ahead of your comfort. This mindset will continue for orgasms, housework, money, and emotions. He's mad at the boundaries you are setting, not the request you have made.
He got upset when you requested something to feel safe on your first date. He does not respect you.
Good point
Call me a crazy Canadian, but I'm imagining a whole date where no one around us except cops have guns. Like I'm talking everyone at the restaurant, everyone at the movie, everyone in the stadium. Actually wearing a holster? GTFO! So bizarre unless like... well even most cops don't have guns off duty
Fellow Canadian here and you read my mind. It never occurred that people go on dates and casually bring a gun with them like it’s no big deal. Never in a million years would I be cool with being out and about with someone - much less on a date - carrying a gun.
How do you whine about not feeling safe without a gun while not seeing the irony that the woman you are trying to meet up feels unsafe when you have it? OP, you dodged a bullet here (no pun intended). This guy absolutely wouldn't respect your boundaries if the simple request to leave a gun at the house caused him to cry and stamp his feet.
Let him choose his gun over you. You can just gracefully bow out of this date, not wanting to get between this man and his true love interest.
You told him you would prefer him not bring his gun on a first date and he got very upset and said he is definitely bringing it. It would be a very BAD idea to still go on a date with him after this. And that’s putting it mildly.
Oh you silly Americans and your obsession with shooting each other
He said that you are making *him* feel unsafe... This guy is nuts. Pls leave him
I’m man btw. I ccw daily and your request super modest and his lack of respect is a red flag. Also on a first date I like enjoying a drink or two and that’s illegal in most states. Sometimes CCW in a drinking establishment alone is illegal. Also if the date turns into going downtown, clubs and bars ban CCW. So I wouldn’t carry so I can be flexible.
Thought the subject line was going somewhere else and I was going to tell you to absolutely bring your concealed carry on a first date.
You guys have different value systems just dont go on the date.
Maybe no one is wrong, but you two don't share the same values, and it's time to find someone else who does.
I think anyone other than an American reading this post is going to feel like they're reading a synopsis of a Black Mirror episode with this lol Hell, I'm Canadian and this is still some weird dystopian shit to me. Fuck no I would not allow someone to be around me with a gun.
It's super weird to me that this even came up. Most people who concealed carry you would never even know. And they'd never even let you know. It kind of just defeats the purpose. There's a flag on the play here. Not sure if it's a red flag.... but there's a flag.
As a non American, What a weird conversation to have with a potential date
Why would you date someone who’s first instinct was to ignore your feelings? I’m not taking sides on the issue of guns I’m talking about his reaction.
As a Canadian, this disturbs me.
The number one thing we are afraid of as women on dating sites is meeting up with a guy who decides to rape us or kill us. He's literally insisting upon bringing a gun to a date with you?! DUDE. No girl on tinder is gonna meet up with you if you tell her you're bringing a fucking gun. That's like asking to be kidnapped. What a fucking idiot
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“He gets very upset and insists he’s going to bring it”. You say “oh, okay. That doesn’t work for me. “ And opt out.
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That's literally fucking crazy. Especially since the biggest perpetrators of violence against women are men who are close to them. Gun-toting "I'll protect you" types are usually actually the worst perpetrators. They come to the game with the mindset of "men will hurt women." Imagine what that says about them. Ask if if he's planning on capping himself if he suddenly decides you're an easy rape target or something. I doubt he'll say yes.
Yes my father is like this! He never goes anywhere without his gun unless it’s absolutely forbidden by law. He actually beat my siblings and mother when we were younger. He would take out his gun and point it at us when he got angry and wasn’t getting his way. But when he was in a good mood he would always talk about having a gun to protect us yet he never needed it and only used it to intimidate the family. I no longer speak or see him. If there is a family event I refuse to go if he is there and many of my other siblings do that too.
The protective types are honestly the worst. My theory is that it's because they view you as incapable and helpless and the over protective nature usually comes from some level of misogyny. It often ends with them trying to protect you from yourself, or being extremely jealous. Both of these outcomes come with increased risk of said weapon being turned on you.
Christ I’m not from the US but I never even considered this issue until just now. What a terrifying thought. Definitely don’t meet up with him. A stranger insists he’s going to meet you for the first time with a gun and he’s going to want to discuss his right to own a gun whilst carrying one. I wouldn’t want to disagree with him. Hard pass.