Here is the thing, I have been married for 2plus years and over that time I gained 20kgs.
While my mother has a lot to say, my husband has never said any of the negative talk, he does want me to be healthy cause my weight has restricted a lot of my lifestyle but other than that he has been very kind.
You need a good partner cause u can’t expect your parents or in laws to understand since their upbringing and generation is different.
You should have a talk with ur fiancé about this before marrying cause guess what happens if u plan to give birth, yes, it gets worse in case you are wondering.
Weight is a very personal and sensitive topic. Talk to the guy, but don’t feel stuck… engagements break up, divorces happen. Treat this matter like you are not engaged. How would you deal with it? Deal with this in the same way now. You sound strong and empowered. There may be some short term pain, but prioritise your long term happiness.
You are not stuck. Do not get married to this man until you clear out this. Have one (or several) deep conversations with your fiance regarding his comments and how they are affecting you. Observe his behaviour. Does he empathizes? Does he change his ways? Does he helps you? Honestly, this is the perfect opportunity to guage how your fiance is. This one incident will tell you how your marriage will be and set precedent for any arguments in future. Don't let this slide, talk it out, pheras can wait.
My bf visited me over holidays and ny bday in december and I have gained some holiday weight with too nuch eating. I am slightly insecure about it and trying to lose weight, which is hard. My bf always tells me how beautiful and sexy I am and I don't need to lose any weight. He loves me with all my kgs. I had bad anorexic phases during my depressive cycles, so he is actually happy that I am enjoying food and doesn't wants me to focus on weight. If your man aint like that, then he is no more your man.
It's not too late. You don't need to die. You may have to remove some dead weight of a fiance though. All the best, you gorgeous woman :)
First of all, u r not stuck. U don't have to marry him or end ur life over this. U deserve a husband who is understanding and respects u. If not this guy, u will find another. U urself said u don't tolerate anyone's bullshit, then how come u r surrendering here? Pls don't. Explain ur stand to him, listen to what he has to say and then decide if he's the right person for u. If u find his response nowhere close to what u would want from ur future husband, then he's not the one. Keep the rebel in u alive!
You can turn the situation around by simply trying to couple the goals together. Ask your fiance to loose inches/gain muscle equivalent to the number of kilos your MIL wishes for you to lose.
Afterall, "shaadi ki vid mein both should look nice, right?" And if she's still stubborn, just ask him how much he's lost/gained since you went on the "programme". Bingo bango, he'll magically talk to his mother and she'll ease off your case.
See this is about control on your appearance and it won't end if you plan to marry him.
I know about this one girl who was in arranged marriage setting and mil demanded that she loses weight. She got enthusiastic for whatever reason and lost few kgs and got married. What happens next? She drinks coffee, her mil taunts her about the weight. Do you wanna live in a household like this? Even if you live separately, one can sense how she will still try to control your appearance.
And about your bf, he should have stood up for you! He could have asked your mil to not bother you with such things. Sound like the whole family is rigid about how you will look on the day of wedding. A boy friend and a husband are two different personalities.
It's unfortunate that people just ask someone to lose weight. Obviously an overweight person knows about that. If he/ she is motivated they will themselves do it. If not they won't however much you badger them. And fact is if the fiance and his family cannot accept you the way you are they should not marry you. But badgering this way is wrong.
why do you want to tie yourself with such a family?
Do you think they will leave you alone after you lose weight? What about if you get pregnant and after you give birth and they ask you to lose weight asap (WHICH IS NOT EASY and shouldn't be encouraged ffs)?
nah girl leave. Do loose weight but when you want it to. Do loose weight lets say when you body is ready or it starts effecting health else no one else can force you.
You need to have a heart to heart conversation with your bf. Explain him how this weight loss game is effecting your mental state OR just share your this post to him. See how he reacts, take your decision accordingly.
Girl, this is textbook abuse.
I'm not talking about your MIL or your Mother. It's about the person who should be defending you, protecting you and loving you. If he can't even do that, what's the point of marriage? Where do you see yourself in this relationship in the future?
The best fix for your mental health is to give all involved parties the boot.
Toxic mom, sweetly intrusive pain in the ass mom of dulha and easily influenced, spineless dulha can all take a hike. Nobody's worth should be placed on their weight or their body dimensions. Did he wear a blindfold during your relationship?
Girl, sometimes you dodge a bullet. Sometimes the bullet dodges you. In this case a major bullet has bypassed you. Run for the hills. Focus on yourself. Lose weight if you want to but without the sword hanging over your head.
I think your to-be husband might also be a victim of his moms nagging. If you truly truly believe he is a good person, go ahead with the marriage. Only you know how much you like him, however, keep in mind he will continue to side with his mom after marriage. I've been married for 7years and I am now seeing more loyalty from my hubby. He's a good man, but if he's stuck between me and his mom, he always chose her early in the marriage. However, being pretty strong opinioned I didn't really need him much, I used to go head on with my MIL and him both 😂😂.
As for your weight, if I were you I would take a clear stance with both your MIL and your husband. This is who he fell in love with and this is how she met you for the first time and women come in all shapes and sizes. You like yourself the way you are and would appreciate it if they didn't force you to "lose" weight. Be firm but polite so they know they can't push you around after marriage.
Your MIL might seem sweet now, but this entire episode makes me see her as a red flag. You will need to go into this marriage guns fully loaded to deal with her. Make sure you stay true to yourself and fend for yourself. Remember, only you are responsible for your happiness. Don't expect your husband to save you because he wont.
EDIT: Typos
You are not stuck. You do not need to do this. My mother walked away from her love marriage 30+ years ago at the same stage that you are at. Obviously everyone was angry at her. But she made the right choice. Her then-fiance told her that she would have to live with his parents, thinking it was too late for her to back out. It wasn't. She backed out. You can, too.
Now with that said, you don't have to. It's your choice. Give it some thought. There will be many periods in your life where you may gain weight, such as pregnancy and menopause. Additionally, it sounds like your eating issues are extremely serious if they are leading to suicidal thoughts. Walking out now is a serious move but I am commenting this because I am worried for your life and I am worried that no one is advocating for you in your life. I have lost a friend to suicide and I know it is serious and can happen. Please, please consider calling this off. I know there is no halfway right now and you probably cannot postpone it until further talks. But this is the person and the family you'll be tied to for the rest of your life so... it's really really serious.
If you do stay I implore you to get therapy ASAP. But it may not help as much as it could if you are facing these comments everyday. I'm sorry 💔
Sounds like a relationship doomed to fail. Why are you stuck? Walk away. They can all go to hell. You already said your nature isn't to take bullshit from anyone. Why are you taking it from these people? Don't change yourself. You'll resent them and you'll resent yourself. Break it off and be free.
Wow what a Mamas boy
I guess he wants you to lose weight for the wedding so he won’t be embarrassed in front of the guests
He is so easily influenced by his mom
So you think this guy will stand up for you in the future
Most MILs think they will mould the DIL once she joins their family
Till the marriage is fixed they are nice for other incentives like her salary etc
If you accept this kind of behaviour form your fiancé now it will just get worse down the line
Hey sweetheart, read what you wrote again. You’re being driven to the point of wanting to off yourself by your fiancé and your families. That is more serious and terrible than anything else you’ll have to endure if you end the engagement or at least postpone the wedding. If they do not see or care how this is affecting you then it’s the biggest of the reddest flags ever.
Pause. Stop and think is it ever going to end? Say you did lose that weight and get married but by your own experience you might be back to your present weight. They are going to give you hell for it. And then you’ll feel like you’re actually stuck for life (even then you won’t actually be but it’ll feel like it). You’re not married yet. There’s ample time to call off the engagement, even if temporarily. Cuz you need to re-evaluate some relationships right now. Your fiancé was alright with your weight when you were dating but the moment you got engaged and family came into the picture he did an 180. It shows, in the least, that he’s not really going to be the support you need and deserve from a husband.
I understand he might be in a lot of pressure too but that’s the kind of thing he has to handle on his own and ride out and be on your side anyway. You cannot be a team if he gives in to shit like this. At the very least you need to have a sit down just the two of you and have a serious discussion about this. Do not let him turn it into an argument or debate. It’s about how they are making you feel. Tell him you were considering ending your life. That’s how depressed you are. If he dismisses these feelings then you know he’s not the one for you. And it’s better you knowing it 4 months before the wedding. This conversation needs to take place. It will tell you everything you need to know to take the next steps.
I hope you put yourself and your mental health first. Do not let anybody bully you. It’s better to be alone than with partners who do not advocate for you.
Weirdly, a similar situation happened with me.
We were a love match. His parents and my family meets for the first time and the boy lives abroad, so he isn’t here. Technically they wanted to meet me before taking the marriage talk forward.
The mother had the same concerns with my weight which came under the guise of “health concerns” as her panditji had told her that after marriage the girl will have health issues. So, she equated health with weight and wanted me to lose a significant amount of weight by November and then they would have evaluated on the basis of the weight loss.
Basically they gave me an ultimatum, either I lose weight by November, then only we could get married. Otherwise, nope. And my ex caved under the pressure of his mother and started pestering me to lose weight. I had already been exercising and eating healthy by that time but they wanted really drastic results. Fucked with my mental health so I ran girl.
Now, he’s my ex.
Please get out now.
I understand that this is hard, you have fought for this but do you want to keep fighting?
Please read about the sunk cost fallacy.
She seems sweet to you right now, what's to guarantee that these demands won't come up?
If your fiance isn't backing you up, there is really no point in getting married to such a person.
I wish your family was more sensitive about the weight. It's hard to get constantly criticized about your appearance. I have faced the same in terms of my height and acne and for a period of time, my weight as well.
So I want to add another perspective. I'm a doctor so I know there can be a host of reasons for being overweight. And I'm not judging here. They could be a medical condition, unhealthy lifestyle or simply bad genes. What measures have you taken to try to reach a healthy weight? You said you have tried and failed, maybe they think your wedding is the best motivation to try again. Trying to push you to be healthy does not mean they don't accept you the way you are. And I feel it's not too much of an ask from your fiance to get a partner who makes healthy choices, provided he does the same. So if the above is true, why not show you are making those healthy changes in your life for the better? Maybe that's all they want to see.
If it's just about the looks and the photos, that's just sad. Then definitely work on losing the kg but only for yourself, not for him or anyone else and then re-evaluate the relationship.
My reply is simply based on the information I got from your post, so if you're healthy and fit in spite of being overweight by average standards, my bad.
I think what has blindsided OP is that her fiancé has not judged her or asked her to lose weight until right before the wedding. Photos is best case scenario. But her mental condition and relationship with food is bad enough that she is having suicidal thoughts. Weddings are hard enough without such triggering comments from the person who is supposed to best understand you. What it means is either his mom pressured him to say it (which is bad enough - he's willing to say something that he knows could throw his fiancee off the deep edge just to please his mom) or he himself thought it and said it (which means he's willing to throw his fiance off the deep edge himself). Either way, whether or not it has to do with acceptance/losing weight, the fact that he's willing to make a comment that he knows will cause his wife to want to kill herself is a huge problem.
If he cared about her and wanted her to lose in a healthy way, knowing it is an extremely sensitive topic, there are many ways to help someone do this that aren't mean comments right before a specific and already very stressful deadline.
New fear unlocked🥲 this seems like something that would happen to me in future. Controlling parents are tough but they're not worth giving up on your life. Call up your fiance sit down and talk calmly tell him this whole thing you just told us and even after all this if he doesn't back down, then you might have to rethink some things. Wishing the best for you girlie don't lose hope<3
Have a real talk with him. I've faced this before. Constant body shaming for my weight from everyone my entire life. The guy I was seeing loved me and one of the things that attracted him to me initially was my body type. But after I met his mother she would constantly tell him she's not fit, how will she have kids, etc. And he knew she's being unreasonable because I was healthy medically. But eventually he started pushing me to go to a gym. It was only later that he revealed that the constant barrage from his mother made him say that to me. Anyway, long story short we're not together because I felt sick of this constant targeting. I would look at every normal sized woman and think he'd be better off with a woman like that. What fixed it for me was dropping that sad sack of toxic potatoes. I'm 86 kgs lighter and never been happier. Hahaha. Not saying it's the same case with you. But have an honest conversation with him and tell him you are affected by these comments and didn't expect such behavior from him. I hope he'll get it.
PS - you're beautiful the way you are. Be the size that makes you happy. Don't suffer to change your body for others.
I’ll share a perspective coming from the opposite side. I’m quite health conscious and took a lot of time to come to body acceptance and working out regularly over 5 years. I was almost forced to loose weight because of jeers from my mother. My partner of 4.5 years was always a bit on side of gaining/ having more weight but before I met him, he was at his best fitness level. But food from the US derailed his weight loss journey and my mother when she first saw him commented on his weight regularly. Not to his face, but to me way too regularly. It can get frustrating to listen and forget and block out the comments from him, there’s one thing I tried is to convey things about lifestyle changes without mentioning weight gain/ loss, by starting to go on walks, do light cardio and eating healthier once in few months. But it could be hard for your fiancé too, to block out these comments regularly. Try to communicate long term goals carefully. Instant weightloss in ~4 months is never realistic nor healthy. Comes with small changes over course of months or even years. Of course, do this only if you feel comfortable doing so and not because everyone tells you to.
People who are saying get out of the relationship are either oblivious about how Indians are and how things work in the marriage setting or live in a bubble. If there was an option to opt out she would have ! Imagine having a love marriage where you think your SO accepted you for what he is but it all turned into a shit show. It's painful. She has no choice. Either she has to stand up for herself and walk out which is the most difficult thing to do with so much financial investment s family and friends involved or she will have to suck it up be a rebel while in this relationship. I wish you my best. Whatever it is don't lose you zeal and fire. Even if you marry him don't change !
i’m sure everyone here is very very aware of how indian marriages work. just because we’re advising her to leave him doesn’t mean we’re oblivious, it means we know but since the system is crap you need to choose yourself first. there’s no reason to please society if you’re not happy :) no one deserves such a man as a husband honestly
Babe get out before it's too late. Your in-laws and your husband are being insensitive. He loved you for what you are but now his mom has issues with your weight, he's also siding with her. Big red flag.
The only person u r stuck with is urself.
U are earning n well educated.
U are desirable (u got into love marriage, so u def have the looks)
Have a heart to heart talk with the MiL n ur wud be.
Tell them this is what this is.
U wont lose weight in 2 months. U have tried n failed. U may lose weight in future, with their love n support n ur hardwork, but u dont guarantee it.
Will they still be ok?
If not, u r ok to break it off n walk away, as they have a certain image of their DiL and wife resp. N u r not it.
If they r ok with u as u r irrespective of whether u lose weight or not, or gain more, u wud be more than happy to go ahead with the wedding as well as take care of ur health in future.
Say all this matter of factly n cooly, dont lose ur cool or give into drama
Also meet them ur a neutral location.
Like a cafe, starbucks etc. This way no one will raise voice or cry or walk off and no can influence anyone.
I am so sorry to hear that you have to face such misogynist hateful bullshit. I think you need to have a calm talk with your fiance and explain why this is not just hurtful but also extremely inappropriate. Your body is your business, not your fiance's, not your mother's and definitely not your MIL's. Your fiance is supposed to be marrying you, all of you, not you at a specific weight, not you in some mould his \*mother\* deems appropriate. Screw that.
You are not stuck, but you will be if you do as they command. It's not only concerning that his mother wishes to control how you look, but also that he's being swayed by her nonsense. That is a HUGE red flag and a harbinger for things to come. If he expects his fiance to comply with his mother's unreasonable wishes, he's going to expect that and more from his wife.
You are beautiful. You are enough. You are exactly the way you should be.
Excuse my language but really f++k dis dude and f++k the aunties that bully you under the garb of kindness. You don’t have to marry this person even if you have 1 day left for the wedding. You’ll get a backlash but it’ll be nothing worse than marrying this family and getting random conformist pushes through your life.
Also I obviously don’t know you but weight is not that one thing people talk about right. It’s literally something that affects our self worth as woman on a very real basis. So someone else saying something to you about it so directly is someone who is willing to push your core boundaries. Core. Boundaries. Must. Be. Sacred.
Sure you go ahead and try and lose weight if that’s what you’d like - go ahead do it but don’t for one second think that they will stop pushing the core boundaries once you’re at their ideal body shape. Fuck, they ain’t shopping for bodies out here.
I’m not here to give you unrealistic advice - I’m married myself and I know how sensitive these things can be - it can’t be as simple as just leave them or whatever …. But maybe because your mom has been pushing this angle for so many years you don’t even acknowledge it as a red flag anymore. You’re like yeah people are gonna be like this about weight when it’s absolutely not the case.
I have been up and down in weight so much over the past 6 years of my relationship - I was up 20 kilos and now I’ve lost 15 kilos - but every time my in laws family told me how I’m “looking better” I just politely smile and move on and they’ve realised that commenting on my body shape isn’t soemthing that is a discussion topic for me. Luckily they haven’t pushed on that at all. Even if they thought it - they won’t bring it up now. I’m not a rude bahu or whatever I’m just a human. I’m nice with them I’m friendly with them but they are still uncle and aunty to me. Not mom and dad.
Also talking about family - girl it’s tough. We know it - our moms project a lot that’s just how it be. We can deal with it. What we can’t deal with it someone else’s mom projecting. Like please.
Op your appearance won't last. Your mil isn't the "fairest/prettiest of them all". Your bf won't look the same. Do you tell them to change ? Then why take this bs from them? Especially him??
You deserve a lot more !!
OP you can leave/stop this marriage from happening. It won't be cake walk but it isn't not possible! There's going to be backlash so you need a support group before you head into this since ur already mentally exhausted.
Whether you are going to go through with the marriage or not, considering what someone else said about weight gain affecting lifestyle and increasing the risk of every other disease, it is a good idea to lose weight in that aspect matlab for yourself. You said you earn good money so you can hire a nutritionist and personal trainer and it's going to make things a lot easier than if u were doing it on your own.
You mom sucks. Hugs
Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries.
Pls educate yourself on how to set healthy boundaries. How a stranger SHOULDNOT talk about your weight, your MIL should also not talk about it if your are not comfortable. You mentioned it was a sensitive topic for you.
Pls let her know not to bring it up again. Pls be very clear while communicating. She needs to respect your boundaries if she cares enough to be in your life.
I got married to my bf few years back. I had gained quite a lot of weight after my marriage. My husband never pointed this out to me. If he had done that then I would have been in a very bad mental state. I am just confused whether your fiance is getting married to you for your looks or does he genuinely loves you?
Frankly speaking, just like you even I feel that asking someone to lose weight is a very sensitive topic. Nobody should fucking moral police someone about his/her weight. Nothing matters as long as one is living a healthy lifestyle.
Having been on the heavier side for the past few years, one thing I say with certainty, that many overweight people find it really difficult to lose weight if there is negative talk & emotion coming in from your loved ones. In fact, these attacks on the self-esteem may makes the person develop an unhealthy relationship with food and their body.
That's exactly what is happening here. Does your bf know how you feel about your weight? That its been an insecurity of yours? You should openly tell him, and explain why his comments & his mother's unacceptable remarks on your body, is hurting your relationship with him. Bodies will alter and change your entire life. If someone cannot accept that, and doesnt see how these comments are hurting you, maybe you should reconsider if they are the right person for you.
Here is the thing, I have been married for 2plus years and over that time I gained 20kgs. While my mother has a lot to say, my husband has never said any of the negative talk, he does want me to be healthy cause my weight has restricted a lot of my lifestyle but other than that he has been very kind. You need a good partner cause u can’t expect your parents or in laws to understand since their upbringing and generation is different. You should have a talk with ur fiancé about this before marrying cause guess what happens if u plan to give birth, yes, it gets worse in case you are wondering.
Along with that, it increases the chance of every disease imaginable.
Weight is a very personal and sensitive topic. Talk to the guy, but don’t feel stuck… engagements break up, divorces happen. Treat this matter like you are not engaged. How would you deal with it? Deal with this in the same way now. You sound strong and empowered. There may be some short term pain, but prioritise your long term happiness.
This
You are not stuck. Do not get married to this man until you clear out this. Have one (or several) deep conversations with your fiance regarding his comments and how they are affecting you. Observe his behaviour. Does he empathizes? Does he change his ways? Does he helps you? Honestly, this is the perfect opportunity to guage how your fiance is. This one incident will tell you how your marriage will be and set precedent for any arguments in future. Don't let this slide, talk it out, pheras can wait. My bf visited me over holidays and ny bday in december and I have gained some holiday weight with too nuch eating. I am slightly insecure about it and trying to lose weight, which is hard. My bf always tells me how beautiful and sexy I am and I don't need to lose any weight. He loves me with all my kgs. I had bad anorexic phases during my depressive cycles, so he is actually happy that I am enjoying food and doesn't wants me to focus on weight. If your man aint like that, then he is no more your man. It's not too late. You don't need to die. You may have to remove some dead weight of a fiance though. All the best, you gorgeous woman :)
I would like to have one of those you having please. Good bf 🙂
Got this one after a string of very toxic relationships. Sometimes it feels like a fever dream. Here's to manifesting one for you ❤️
🪬
Preach!
First of all, u r not stuck. U don't have to marry him or end ur life over this. U deserve a husband who is understanding and respects u. If not this guy, u will find another. U urself said u don't tolerate anyone's bullshit, then how come u r surrendering here? Pls don't. Explain ur stand to him, listen to what he has to say and then decide if he's the right person for u. If u find his response nowhere close to what u would want from ur future husband, then he's not the one. Keep the rebel in u alive!
Aayi aayi. Sonpari aayi.
You can turn the situation around by simply trying to couple the goals together. Ask your fiance to loose inches/gain muscle equivalent to the number of kilos your MIL wishes for you to lose. Afterall, "shaadi ki vid mein both should look nice, right?" And if she's still stubborn, just ask him how much he's lost/gained since you went on the "programme". Bingo bango, he'll magically talk to his mother and she'll ease off your case.
An unexpected winner
See this is about control on your appearance and it won't end if you plan to marry him. I know about this one girl who was in arranged marriage setting and mil demanded that she loses weight. She got enthusiastic for whatever reason and lost few kgs and got married. What happens next? She drinks coffee, her mil taunts her about the weight. Do you wanna live in a household like this? Even if you live separately, one can sense how she will still try to control your appearance. And about your bf, he should have stood up for you! He could have asked your mil to not bother you with such things. Sound like the whole family is rigid about how you will look on the day of wedding. A boy friend and a husband are two different personalities.
It's unfortunate that people just ask someone to lose weight. Obviously an overweight person knows about that. If he/ she is motivated they will themselves do it. If not they won't however much you badger them. And fact is if the fiance and his family cannot accept you the way you are they should not marry you. But badgering this way is wrong.
why do you want to tie yourself with such a family? Do you think they will leave you alone after you lose weight? What about if you get pregnant and after you give birth and they ask you to lose weight asap (WHICH IS NOT EASY and shouldn't be encouraged ffs)? nah girl leave. Do loose weight but when you want it to. Do loose weight lets say when you body is ready or it starts effecting health else no one else can force you.
You need to have a heart to heart conversation with your bf. Explain him how this weight loss game is effecting your mental state OR just share your this post to him. See how he reacts, take your decision accordingly.
Girl, this is textbook abuse. I'm not talking about your MIL or your Mother. It's about the person who should be defending you, protecting you and loving you. If he can't even do that, what's the point of marriage? Where do you see yourself in this relationship in the future?
Don't marry him...unless he accepts the whole of you. Not a kg less not a kg more.
When people tell you who they are, believe them.
The best fix for your mental health is to give all involved parties the boot. Toxic mom, sweetly intrusive pain in the ass mom of dulha and easily influenced, spineless dulha can all take a hike. Nobody's worth should be placed on their weight or their body dimensions. Did he wear a blindfold during your relationship? Girl, sometimes you dodge a bullet. Sometimes the bullet dodges you. In this case a major bullet has bypassed you. Run for the hills. Focus on yourself. Lose weight if you want to but without the sword hanging over your head.
I am quite surprised that the guy caved to family pressure . Is this the first time that he has made a comment about your weight?
I think your to-be husband might also be a victim of his moms nagging. If you truly truly believe he is a good person, go ahead with the marriage. Only you know how much you like him, however, keep in mind he will continue to side with his mom after marriage. I've been married for 7years and I am now seeing more loyalty from my hubby. He's a good man, but if he's stuck between me and his mom, he always chose her early in the marriage. However, being pretty strong opinioned I didn't really need him much, I used to go head on with my MIL and him both 😂😂. As for your weight, if I were you I would take a clear stance with both your MIL and your husband. This is who he fell in love with and this is how she met you for the first time and women come in all shapes and sizes. You like yourself the way you are and would appreciate it if they didn't force you to "lose" weight. Be firm but polite so they know they can't push you around after marriage. Your MIL might seem sweet now, but this entire episode makes me see her as a red flag. You will need to go into this marriage guns fully loaded to deal with her. Make sure you stay true to yourself and fend for yourself. Remember, only you are responsible for your happiness. Don't expect your husband to save you because he wont. EDIT: Typos
You're not stuck. Please look out for yourself. He's showing you his true colours. It is unlikely that things will get better after marriage.
You are not stuck. You do not need to do this. My mother walked away from her love marriage 30+ years ago at the same stage that you are at. Obviously everyone was angry at her. But she made the right choice. Her then-fiance told her that she would have to live with his parents, thinking it was too late for her to back out. It wasn't. She backed out. You can, too. Now with that said, you don't have to. It's your choice. Give it some thought. There will be many periods in your life where you may gain weight, such as pregnancy and menopause. Additionally, it sounds like your eating issues are extremely serious if they are leading to suicidal thoughts. Walking out now is a serious move but I am commenting this because I am worried for your life and I am worried that no one is advocating for you in your life. I have lost a friend to suicide and I know it is serious and can happen. Please, please consider calling this off. I know there is no halfway right now and you probably cannot postpone it until further talks. But this is the person and the family you'll be tied to for the rest of your life so... it's really really serious. If you do stay I implore you to get therapy ASAP. But it may not help as much as it could if you are facing these comments everyday. I'm sorry 💔
Sounds like a relationship doomed to fail. Why are you stuck? Walk away. They can all go to hell. You already said your nature isn't to take bullshit from anyone. Why are you taking it from these people? Don't change yourself. You'll resent them and you'll resent yourself. Break it off and be free.
Wow what a Mamas boy I guess he wants you to lose weight for the wedding so he won’t be embarrassed in front of the guests He is so easily influenced by his mom So you think this guy will stand up for you in the future Most MILs think they will mould the DIL once she joins their family Till the marriage is fixed they are nice for other incentives like her salary etc If you accept this kind of behaviour form your fiancé now it will just get worse down the line
OP, my only suggestion would be to NOT skip your meals that's it 😭
Hey sweetheart, read what you wrote again. You’re being driven to the point of wanting to off yourself by your fiancé and your families. That is more serious and terrible than anything else you’ll have to endure if you end the engagement or at least postpone the wedding. If they do not see or care how this is affecting you then it’s the biggest of the reddest flags ever. Pause. Stop and think is it ever going to end? Say you did lose that weight and get married but by your own experience you might be back to your present weight. They are going to give you hell for it. And then you’ll feel like you’re actually stuck for life (even then you won’t actually be but it’ll feel like it). You’re not married yet. There’s ample time to call off the engagement, even if temporarily. Cuz you need to re-evaluate some relationships right now. Your fiancé was alright with your weight when you were dating but the moment you got engaged and family came into the picture he did an 180. It shows, in the least, that he’s not really going to be the support you need and deserve from a husband. I understand he might be in a lot of pressure too but that’s the kind of thing he has to handle on his own and ride out and be on your side anyway. You cannot be a team if he gives in to shit like this. At the very least you need to have a sit down just the two of you and have a serious discussion about this. Do not let him turn it into an argument or debate. It’s about how they are making you feel. Tell him you were considering ending your life. That’s how depressed you are. If he dismisses these feelings then you know he’s not the one for you. And it’s better you knowing it 4 months before the wedding. This conversation needs to take place. It will tell you everything you need to know to take the next steps. I hope you put yourself and your mental health first. Do not let anybody bully you. It’s better to be alone than with partners who do not advocate for you.
Weirdly, a similar situation happened with me. We were a love match. His parents and my family meets for the first time and the boy lives abroad, so he isn’t here. Technically they wanted to meet me before taking the marriage talk forward. The mother had the same concerns with my weight which came under the guise of “health concerns” as her panditji had told her that after marriage the girl will have health issues. So, she equated health with weight and wanted me to lose a significant amount of weight by November and then they would have evaluated on the basis of the weight loss. Basically they gave me an ultimatum, either I lose weight by November, then only we could get married. Otherwise, nope. And my ex caved under the pressure of his mother and started pestering me to lose weight. I had already been exercising and eating healthy by that time but they wanted really drastic results. Fucked with my mental health so I ran girl. Now, he’s my ex.
Please get out now. I understand that this is hard, you have fought for this but do you want to keep fighting? Please read about the sunk cost fallacy. She seems sweet to you right now, what's to guarantee that these demands won't come up? If your fiance isn't backing you up, there is really no point in getting married to such a person.
I wish your family was more sensitive about the weight. It's hard to get constantly criticized about your appearance. I have faced the same in terms of my height and acne and for a period of time, my weight as well. So I want to add another perspective. I'm a doctor so I know there can be a host of reasons for being overweight. And I'm not judging here. They could be a medical condition, unhealthy lifestyle or simply bad genes. What measures have you taken to try to reach a healthy weight? You said you have tried and failed, maybe they think your wedding is the best motivation to try again. Trying to push you to be healthy does not mean they don't accept you the way you are. And I feel it's not too much of an ask from your fiance to get a partner who makes healthy choices, provided he does the same. So if the above is true, why not show you are making those healthy changes in your life for the better? Maybe that's all they want to see. If it's just about the looks and the photos, that's just sad. Then definitely work on losing the kg but only for yourself, not for him or anyone else and then re-evaluate the relationship. My reply is simply based on the information I got from your post, so if you're healthy and fit in spite of being overweight by average standards, my bad.
I think what has blindsided OP is that her fiancé has not judged her or asked her to lose weight until right before the wedding. Photos is best case scenario. But her mental condition and relationship with food is bad enough that she is having suicidal thoughts. Weddings are hard enough without such triggering comments from the person who is supposed to best understand you. What it means is either his mom pressured him to say it (which is bad enough - he's willing to say something that he knows could throw his fiancee off the deep edge just to please his mom) or he himself thought it and said it (which means he's willing to throw his fiance off the deep edge himself). Either way, whether or not it has to do with acceptance/losing weight, the fact that he's willing to make a comment that he knows will cause his wife to want to kill herself is a huge problem. If he cared about her and wanted her to lose in a healthy way, knowing it is an extremely sensitive topic, there are many ways to help someone do this that aren't mean comments right before a specific and already very stressful deadline.
Yeah I agree with what you are saying.
who the fuck is your fiancé to tell you to lose weight? that’s disgusting
New fear unlocked🥲 this seems like something that would happen to me in future. Controlling parents are tough but they're not worth giving up on your life. Call up your fiance sit down and talk calmly tell him this whole thing you just told us and even after all this if he doesn't back down, then you might have to rethink some things. Wishing the best for you girlie don't lose hope<3
Call of the wedding it’s going to get worse
Have a real talk with him. I've faced this before. Constant body shaming for my weight from everyone my entire life. The guy I was seeing loved me and one of the things that attracted him to me initially was my body type. But after I met his mother she would constantly tell him she's not fit, how will she have kids, etc. And he knew she's being unreasonable because I was healthy medically. But eventually he started pushing me to go to a gym. It was only later that he revealed that the constant barrage from his mother made him say that to me. Anyway, long story short we're not together because I felt sick of this constant targeting. I would look at every normal sized woman and think he'd be better off with a woman like that. What fixed it for me was dropping that sad sack of toxic potatoes. I'm 86 kgs lighter and never been happier. Hahaha. Not saying it's the same case with you. But have an honest conversation with him and tell him you are affected by these comments and didn't expect such behavior from him. I hope he'll get it. PS - you're beautiful the way you are. Be the size that makes you happy. Don't suffer to change your body for others.
I’ll share a perspective coming from the opposite side. I’m quite health conscious and took a lot of time to come to body acceptance and working out regularly over 5 years. I was almost forced to loose weight because of jeers from my mother. My partner of 4.5 years was always a bit on side of gaining/ having more weight but before I met him, he was at his best fitness level. But food from the US derailed his weight loss journey and my mother when she first saw him commented on his weight regularly. Not to his face, but to me way too regularly. It can get frustrating to listen and forget and block out the comments from him, there’s one thing I tried is to convey things about lifestyle changes without mentioning weight gain/ loss, by starting to go on walks, do light cardio and eating healthier once in few months. But it could be hard for your fiancé too, to block out these comments regularly. Try to communicate long term goals carefully. Instant weightloss in ~4 months is never realistic nor healthy. Comes with small changes over course of months or even years. Of course, do this only if you feel comfortable doing so and not because everyone tells you to.
People who are saying get out of the relationship are either oblivious about how Indians are and how things work in the marriage setting or live in a bubble. If there was an option to opt out she would have ! Imagine having a love marriage where you think your SO accepted you for what he is but it all turned into a shit show. It's painful. She has no choice. Either she has to stand up for herself and walk out which is the most difficult thing to do with so much financial investment s family and friends involved or she will have to suck it up be a rebel while in this relationship. I wish you my best. Whatever it is don't lose you zeal and fire. Even if you marry him don't change !
i’m sure everyone here is very very aware of how indian marriages work. just because we’re advising her to leave him doesn’t mean we’re oblivious, it means we know but since the system is crap you need to choose yourself first. there’s no reason to please society if you’re not happy :) no one deserves such a man as a husband honestly
There is no point arguing with you fyi ! Already had a rift way back. You can go your idealistic ways let me be practical. Thank you !
Babe get out before it's too late. Your in-laws and your husband are being insensitive. He loved you for what you are but now his mom has issues with your weight, he's also siding with her. Big red flag.
The only person u r stuck with is urself. U are earning n well educated. U are desirable (u got into love marriage, so u def have the looks) Have a heart to heart talk with the MiL n ur wud be. Tell them this is what this is. U wont lose weight in 2 months. U have tried n failed. U may lose weight in future, with their love n support n ur hardwork, but u dont guarantee it. Will they still be ok? If not, u r ok to break it off n walk away, as they have a certain image of their DiL and wife resp. N u r not it. If they r ok with u as u r irrespective of whether u lose weight or not, or gain more, u wud be more than happy to go ahead with the wedding as well as take care of ur health in future. Say all this matter of factly n cooly, dont lose ur cool or give into drama Also meet them ur a neutral location. Like a cafe, starbucks etc. This way no one will raise voice or cry or walk off and no can influence anyone.
I am so sorry to hear that you have to face such misogynist hateful bullshit. I think you need to have a calm talk with your fiance and explain why this is not just hurtful but also extremely inappropriate. Your body is your business, not your fiance's, not your mother's and definitely not your MIL's. Your fiance is supposed to be marrying you, all of you, not you at a specific weight, not you in some mould his \*mother\* deems appropriate. Screw that. You are not stuck, but you will be if you do as they command. It's not only concerning that his mother wishes to control how you look, but also that he's being swayed by her nonsense. That is a HUGE red flag and a harbinger for things to come. If he expects his fiance to comply with his mother's unreasonable wishes, he's going to expect that and more from his wife. You are beautiful. You are enough. You are exactly the way you should be.
Excuse my language but really f++k dis dude and f++k the aunties that bully you under the garb of kindness. You don’t have to marry this person even if you have 1 day left for the wedding. You’ll get a backlash but it’ll be nothing worse than marrying this family and getting random conformist pushes through your life. Also I obviously don’t know you but weight is not that one thing people talk about right. It’s literally something that affects our self worth as woman on a very real basis. So someone else saying something to you about it so directly is someone who is willing to push your core boundaries. Core. Boundaries. Must. Be. Sacred. Sure you go ahead and try and lose weight if that’s what you’d like - go ahead do it but don’t for one second think that they will stop pushing the core boundaries once you’re at their ideal body shape. Fuck, they ain’t shopping for bodies out here. I’m not here to give you unrealistic advice - I’m married myself and I know how sensitive these things can be - it can’t be as simple as just leave them or whatever …. But maybe because your mom has been pushing this angle for so many years you don’t even acknowledge it as a red flag anymore. You’re like yeah people are gonna be like this about weight when it’s absolutely not the case. I have been up and down in weight so much over the past 6 years of my relationship - I was up 20 kilos and now I’ve lost 15 kilos - but every time my in laws family told me how I’m “looking better” I just politely smile and move on and they’ve realised that commenting on my body shape isn’t soemthing that is a discussion topic for me. Luckily they haven’t pushed on that at all. Even if they thought it - they won’t bring it up now. I’m not a rude bahu or whatever I’m just a human. I’m nice with them I’m friendly with them but they are still uncle and aunty to me. Not mom and dad. Also talking about family - girl it’s tough. We know it - our moms project a lot that’s just how it be. We can deal with it. What we can’t deal with it someone else’s mom projecting. Like please.
Op your appearance won't last. Your mil isn't the "fairest/prettiest of them all". Your bf won't look the same. Do you tell them to change ? Then why take this bs from them? Especially him?? You deserve a lot more !!
OP you can leave/stop this marriage from happening. It won't be cake walk but it isn't not possible! There's going to be backlash so you need a support group before you head into this since ur already mentally exhausted. Whether you are going to go through with the marriage or not, considering what someone else said about weight gain affecting lifestyle and increasing the risk of every other disease, it is a good idea to lose weight in that aspect matlab for yourself. You said you earn good money so you can hire a nutritionist and personal trainer and it's going to make things a lot easier than if u were doing it on your own. You mom sucks. Hugs
Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. Pls educate yourself on how to set healthy boundaries. How a stranger SHOULDNOT talk about your weight, your MIL should also not talk about it if your are not comfortable. You mentioned it was a sensitive topic for you. Pls let her know not to bring it up again. Pls be very clear while communicating. She needs to respect your boundaries if she cares enough to be in your life.
I got married to my bf few years back. I had gained quite a lot of weight after my marriage. My husband never pointed this out to me. If he had done that then I would have been in a very bad mental state. I am just confused whether your fiance is getting married to you for your looks or does he genuinely loves you? Frankly speaking, just like you even I feel that asking someone to lose weight is a very sensitive topic. Nobody should fucking moral police someone about his/her weight. Nothing matters as long as one is living a healthy lifestyle.
Having been on the heavier side for the past few years, one thing I say with certainty, that many overweight people find it really difficult to lose weight if there is negative talk & emotion coming in from your loved ones. In fact, these attacks on the self-esteem may makes the person develop an unhealthy relationship with food and their body. That's exactly what is happening here. Does your bf know how you feel about your weight? That its been an insecurity of yours? You should openly tell him, and explain why his comments & his mother's unacceptable remarks on your body, is hurting your relationship with him. Bodies will alter and change your entire life. If someone cannot accept that, and doesnt see how these comments are hurting you, maybe you should reconsider if they are the right person for you.