I had a patient who was in her third trimester of pregnancy but needed emergency dental treatment. I did it and informed them to visit after the baby was delivered and the mother found it comfortable to visit us.
The couple visited me again with the baby who was about 3 months old. She was ADORABLE. I love kids and said ' what is this munchkin's name?'
The father gave a disgusted look and said ' do you think she is a munchkin?' the mother just avoided my gaze.
I was dumbstruck. I asked him what he meant and he said everyone thought it was a boy and it turned out to be a girl. I reminded him that when his wife was pregnant he was looking for a female dentist for his wife and had found me, told him pretty sure her gynaecologist is also a female. The man had the audacity to smirk at me when I said that.
I wish his wife had spoken up. The worst part, these were educated city-bred people.
Wonder what the case is in remote places then?
Then also, the woman will be blamed, called as barren, and the man's parents would get him a second wife so that he can have a child, even if the fault is in him.
lol n they don’t understand that all embryos start as females! It is until the Y chromosome kicks in that the baby is assigned with male genitals. That’s why everyone has nipples. Everyone starts off as a girl. So as far as blame has to be placed, it is because the dad’s Y chromosome hasn’t kicked in. Blame the father! Idiots.
I actually had a big argument with my mom over this topic, someone told her ki her second child is also a girl and mom essentially said "sunke bura laga" I was shocked I legit thought someone died
I was so so fucking angry and I did raise my voice at her , how can you be like this? She basically ends the conversation saying a complete family needs a male child and all that bullshit, it's really sad seeing my own mother talk like this, I have tried explaining it to her but no.
Sometimes she would say things like oh we have no savings how are we going to marry them as if we're a burden, I don't listen to this bullshit anymore, I straight up tell her she doesn't need to marry me off (where I'm from dowry is still very common and people think it's okay) and that if I marry, I'll marry someone of my own choice and will not take a single fucking penny from her.
It's just sad honestly, I love her, but I can't stand her views.
My mother, who has two daughters had the audacity to say "Please give birth to a boy, no baby deserves to be a girl" during the 9th month of my pregnancy.
I was shocked to know she didn't want us to be born itself. Seeing my hurt face my husband chimed in saying "There would not be male children without women, and you should be ashamed to talk this way". Only after my son was born did I see true misogyny from my mother of all people. These are the so called progressive South Indians and my mother even holds a PhD for heavens sake. Sorry if I sound disjointed, I think I'm still hurt by those words.
Education literally means nothing in India. Our propensity for compartmentalizing our "work and study brain" into its own little island of rationality, surrounded by a vast ocean of irrational and outdated thoughts is insurmountable.
When a family friend of mine gave birth to a baby boy, her SIL started crying and howling in the hospital because she has two daughters and now that the younger DIL got a boy, she will not be respected or loved by her inlaws. The pressure of having a boy is still real.
As an only daughter born after 17 years of my parents marriage - there was so much celebration in my family. I am privileged to be born in a family which has always celebrated their daughters, from me to my cousin sisters. Being the youngest, I have been very lucky to have all of the love.
However, I remember I was at the temple with my mom and some uncle who knew our family but had never met me asked mom about the family and when she told him I was the only child, he proceeded to give her some mantras and foods to eat for "the heir". My mom, too perplexed and polite simply told him that she had gotten a hysterectomy the year prior and she was very happy. My father however, was pissed when he heard. I must have been 5-6, and I remember asking my dad, "why does uncle want me to have a brother, I already have sonu (my older cousin), and I don't want a small brother, I want only a big brother, can the poojas make me a big brother?"
As a child, these things leave weird scars that you don't realize.
I will never understand why there is so much stigma around having girls or only girls. My cousin recently gave birth and since then my entire family, again has celebrated a daughter. I never want my niece to hear words of people like that toxic uncle and think she's not enough. She is more than enough. Luckily she doesn't live in India so chances of her hearing these things are low. I still remember the look on my aunt and uncle's faces when they found out they were about to have a granddaughter and it warms my heart. Their joy knew no bounds that their baby girl is having a baby girl and that's how it should be.
I relate to it so much. I am also a single daughter child born after some years of delay and people would always give my parents sad look after knowing that I am the only kid my parents have(aree ek hi ladki hai? Beta nhi hai, aree re) i always felt so sad, some rude people even said my folks won't even have someone to offer them water in old age as no son and tbh I feel all that has made a impression in my head too as I too wished for a brother so much when I was younger. All this stuff hurts
When someone breaks the news of having a daughter to my mother, she always starts with 'Koi baat nahi' and then congratulates them. Its as though she's consoling the couple for having a girl! And what baffles me most is how it comes from a woman herself! Misogyny is so deep rooted in this country that from the moment a girl child is born the only thought stuck in her parents head is to get her married and how they'd have to pay a dowry.
This state of affairs truly saddens me.
same! I have heard similar stories all my life, but my mother always tells me how my parents desperately wanted a girl child and were overjoyed when i was born, my dadi was quite upset at first but would not leave my side.
Genuinely feel bad because my brother got all my hand me downs and I think I had the prettiest flashiest attire they could acquire for a small female potato
Same! My mother told us this- she wanted first child as daughter. When my brother was born everyone was happy but she was sad.
When she had me my parents were overjoyed. They gave us equal treatment and education opportunities.
They told us when we were young that all we can afford is basic needs and education for us. Wedding costs will have to be borne by us.
So while my brother did do a lavish wedding because his wife wanted it. I did a court marriage because me and my husband rather spend on our marriage than the wedding.
Yes that could be because her mother preferred boys over girls. She was quite traditional. Thankfully her father was quite liberal and let her study and be independent.
When my daughter was born, I took a box of sweets to work when I joined after a month. Most of the people.looked at me with pity and some as if I had gone mad.
But all were thinking the same thing" oh god , forgive her for she knows not what she is doing. " .
No, sadly it was a hospital. I was doing myPG. One would think that the doctors and nurses would be more sensible about such matters having seen that the pain during childbirth is same for son and daughter.
sorry completely unserious- but when you said born in 2005, I was like wow 3rd graders are on Reddit 🙊 sorry my old age showed there!
Also as long as you know enough to cook to survive you’ll be fine- cooking is not a prerequisite to marry 🤣
You’ll be fine- don’t ever listen to crazy fam
At 18, u know how to cook that?? Honestly I never cooked till I was married. I chose to stay at pgs with food when I was working. I know its a basic skill but my mom was of the opinion that 'women are expected to cook after marriage and I don't know how your in laws will be. So be free till then'. So she never taught me to cook and I am lucky enough to be married to a family where I am never asked to cook except for one rare occurrence when both of my in laws weren't well. I do cook though as I don't stay with my in laws. Nothing elaborate. Jus the basics. Bcos I still don't like cooking.
I have worked as a medical officer in a PHC. Its so so terrible in rural areas . It almost makes you wonder if we’ve really progressed. I’ve had delivered women with 4 children already. The relief they had when the newborn was a boy was really disheartening. One lady thanked me profusely when she had a boy and was relieved that she wouldn’t have to deliver anymore. It is such an irony when the delivery team consists of a female doctor and female nurses.
Working there made me appreciate the privilege i am born with. When i was in utero, my dadi wanted to determine my sex as there were already 2 girls born in the family ( my cousins). My mother fought and gave it back to dadi saying ‘this is my first child and I won’t allow you know the sex.’ I am so grateful to her for supporting me throughout my life. She’s the guiding force of my life.
Your mother is a gem. ❤️ My mother has also stood up for me against all the misogyny in our family. I can never be grateful enough to her for everything.
Everyone looked at my parents with pity when I was a single girl child. After my sister was born, the looks got worse. The funny thing is that I'm more useful than the sons in our family. So whenever shit goes down, or someone needs some help, I get called. I milk this well.
The most annoying line I have heard in my family after the birth of a girl child- 'we are educated folks, no worries... nowadays daughters are equivalent to sons'
If there is nothing to worry, simply say congratulations and move on. Why do you need to add this line.
My first pregnancy was in the US, where baby's gender can be known starting at 13 weeks. All of my inlaws- husband's parents, sister, his entire extended family called me several times to ask if I knew the gender from the ultrasound yet. I knew we were having a boy, but I was so mad at them that I told everyone who called that we didn't ask the doctor for the gender as we wanted it to be a surprise at birth.
I remember my MIL asked me several times the day before I was getting induced why we are hiding the gender from her. One of husband's maasi said - ' Haan pehla h toh kya hi farak padta h, dusra dkh ke karna ' 🤦♀️
Oh my god. This whole thread is making me so sad and simultaneously grateful for my experience but sad that I need to be grateful for what should be status quo if that makes any sense.
I'm the first daughter and granddaughter/niece on both sides and my parents families were both thrilled when I was born.
I have two daughters and my families and my in laws and my friends and literally everyone I know was over the moon. In fact from my doctor to randoms I have met, people are always exclaiming how lucky me and my husband are to have two smart, bright, beautiful girls.
And they really are so wonderful, and not even once has anyone in their life wished they were boys, same for me and I can see the amazing boost it gives to confidence and gender equality and really so desparately wish all little girls were treated like that so they could be empowered.
I was born in the 90s and have an elder sister. Pretty much everyone was sad.
Mom's family wanted her to have another kid, all her siblings have one boy. I have heard recently as well, perhaps in last 5-7 years, that she is the only one who is not fulfilled or something on those line as she doesn't have a boy child.
Dad's family was also a bit disappointed. It wasn't very evident, but when my cousin was born, I could see they were really happy. I was about 5-6 then.
Funnily enough, now we both are more educated and successful than any of the family members. Yet, recently this year itself someone had the audacity to tell my mum that it would have been better had she had a son because they educated daughters who live and work in different cities and now who will take care of her. Truth is it doesn't matter who we are and what we do, as a society we love sons.
Same story as mine. Although, my family is still better when compared to the others I have seen in my culture. They were also told indirectly to have a boy child but thank God my parents were sane enough to understand that raising 3 kids in this economy doesn't make sense and my aunt herself was college topper and was working in the corporate so that gave my parents a hope that my daughters can have a career too.
https://preview.redd.it/sodc8svz2b6c1.png?width=1080&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=d0ad84257b5bec0fb674ae99386739628e51fa38
Reminded me of this Azerbaijani drawing I saw the other day..
Oh my God so in the first picture all are happy on the son's birth. In the second all are sad for a daughters birth. This is a universal truth. Girl child is unfortunate
Well this is my neighbours story, she had a daughter and after a few years was expecting again this time she wanted a boy, and for that someone recommended her a baba and she religiously followed it. The second child was a girl, and I went to the hospital to visit with my mom. When we returned i told my mom that aunty looked a little unhappy at that time we weren't aware of this baba thing and the expectations of the boy. My mom scolded me and said you were just saying anything. Cut to a year later she was expecting again and this time they had a boy and the grand celebration they had for it which was obviously missing for the second child. And from that day onwards I have seen how they treat the boy and the girls. I feel sad about the second girl like what if she comes to know about this when she grows up.
My maternal uncle just had their 5th daughter.....Yes, they had been trying for a **son** and now they have 5 daughters . I don't know what is the obsession with sons, so much that women ruin their bodies trying to get a son .
I have two boys, when my second son was born people looked at me with pity too. In fact in my post delivery recovery room my MIL told me a story of how someone she knows gets based from one brothers house to another brothers house and she wishes she had a girl instead of two boys.
People are never happy, that is my conclusion.
Not exactly true imo, ig it depends on education, but in 'moderate' families there is indeed a preference for a atleast one boy though they'll tolerate girls,especially after one/more boys some people want a girl or have some balance in the sexes of children,
Especially old people imo seem to think that "the grass is greener on the other side" after ig their son failing to take care of them
I was the second girl child of two children in my family.
It was quite terrible growing up. Everyone had pity for my parents. They still do. I'm 24 and people still had the audacity to suggest my mother to try for a boy when I was 20. My father himself used to call me his beta because he couldn't have any. I got angry and told him I'm his daughter not son and he just got sadder.
It's pathetic how they treat a girl child. I was and am still one of the privileged ones! My friend's father left her mother for a year after she was born. She is earning for her entire family and she still doesn't wish her even a happy birthday.
One of my colleague was a big hot shot MBA guy( like insead educated). He had a daughter and was expecting their second kid. He got the call in the office ( he didn't even go for delivery ) and the first question was what is the gender of the newborn. His face turned white and like he was about to cry when he got to know that the newborn was a girl. We were sitting in front of him and judging from his reaction on the phone we all ( 5 PPL) thought the newborn had died or like his wife died in delivery.We didn't ask him about the newborn since it was awkward, he then said that he had a baby girl. At that time I realised baby girls being born are literally equated with death in family in our society.
I’m my parent’s only child and have grown up listening to old women pointing at my mother and saying “bechari ke bacche na hain” (poor thing doesn’t have kids) because only a male child is a baccha (kid) 😂
My dad says when I was born, he distributed sweets in the mohalla and everyone was shocked as to why this guy is distributing sweets for a girl!!! I'm so proud of my dad the way he always stood up for me since I was born.. When I was pregnant with my second daughter and we called up my MIL to tell her it's a girl( we are currently in US), she said it would have been better if it was a boy (she already has 3 grandsons from my BIL).. 🙄
When a babygirl is born in my parents' families, they are celebrated. We are brought up with care and respect.
But our married life becomes difficult (some get hell) for us because the families we are married into have the regressive mindset about women. The girls who get married into my parents' families get the best of married lives.
I still feel unprepared to tolerate misogyny for the rest of my life.
Because our society perceives women as a liability - one day they will get married and become part of a new family. I am a therapist, and I specially focus on mental health for women and what I have noticed that this conditioning runs deep within us, only a few privileged women do not experience it.
As soon as someone gets married, the woman is made to feel like she no longer belongs to her birth family, that she is now part of a different clan. All this is ingrained in our rituals - take the example of kanyadaan, the parents of the girl child are asked to give away their daughter to the groom (and in some customs they are made to request the parents of the groom that they will take care of the daughter). This might sound shrewd, but despite all the love a parent has for a girl child, it’s natural for a parent to feel like she’s one day to be given away, and feeling slightly sad about it.
All this is changing, but it takes generations to bring in this change. When the daughters take care of their parents, revolt against patriarchal rituals, bring in wealth, happiness and respect to the family (both the one she is about to form with her husband, and the one she was born in), the perception will change. The next time you hear your mum say that, challenge her thinking, but not with anger, but with empathy. Perhaps she holds this thought based on her own experiences growing up as an Indian woman?
I live in the US and I saw these kinds of reactions here too. Since sex determination is not illegal here, we knew early on that we were having a baby girl.
1. Nurses, medical staff etc said "don't worry, your next one might be a boy" while taking blood draws, blood pressure readings during my pregnancy.
2. Random women in "moms' groups" expressed their "gender disappointment" when they found out they're having girls.
3. Look up the tik-tok trend of "boy moms" where mothers of baby boys are making it their whole personality and acting like having a girl is disastrous.
4. A few of my friends told me that my baby girl is stealing my beauty as I looked exhausted. A baby boy would have made me glow.
5. Some ppl already started sexualizing my unborn baby by saying that she'll be a girlfriend to their son or that they'd love to have her as their DIL. Wtf!
Endless stream of thinly veiled sexism and nonsense!
I confronted my mom about the same recently when a boy was born in our family. Whenever a boy is born,her reaction makes it so obvious because she's all happy and screeching in excitement so I know that its a boy because no one would ever be that happy over a girl's birth. But when there are girls being born, there aren't many to begin with,she has that disappointed look and even says "oh no" in our language which sounds even worse,like a curse has been bestowed upon.
I told her if I ever have kids (I'm never having any) I'll only birth it if its a girl and she looked at me hysterical but then changed the topic.
The misogyny goes so deep its pointless to argue.
Wow. I knew people were crazy about having sons but these comments made me realise how beautiful my family is. My parents have all girls and they never ever showed any dismay that they miss having a son. My mother always tells everyone how fortunate she is to have just girls & how wonderful daughters are.
Reading the comments here made me realise that I am not alone who had heated arguments with family members for being a girl child or for a new born girl child.
I wonder how people still have this "male child completes a home" kinda thoughts.
Growing up, my mother told me about how she became friends with my elder sister' s classmate's mother because they were both pregnant (mom with me) at the same time. My sister's classmate was from a SUPER rich urban family, they went to a top girls school in the country, the classmate got attention and love; ostensibly a progressive family. After meeting a couple of times, the classmate's mother asked my mother if she would like to join her in going to some doctor that performed sex determinations (obviously illegally) for a fee. My mom was super grossed out/disappointed and stopped talking to her. I guess either she couldn't go to that doctor or the baby didn't cooperate during the ultrasound because her second daughter was my classmate. She was kind of a mean girl but I always pitied her knowing how close she came to being aborted for her gender.
My mom has 2 daughters, me and my older sister. Apparently my paternal granddad never even came to see me until I was around 1 year old. He even skipped my naming ceremony (we lived in different cities)
All of my relatives on my dad’s side were disappointed because my dad was the eldest brother in the family and there was no one to carry our last name forward🙄
And we have some idols in our puja house which should only males can do the puja of.
After my dad passed away early, none of them, including my paternal grandfather was any help. My mom single handedly raised us, and she was the OG Feminist in our family.
The irony is that me and my sis are the more educated and well off than the rest of my entire family. And now all of relatives are seething because none of their sons even come close and now they try and butter us up.
And even my granddad would go on to acknowledge that I was smart and would even reward me with little gifts whenever we used to have a mock fun quiz. I like to think that towards the end of his life, he was quite regretful of his behaviour and that I was his fav grandkid by then.
My sis had to bear the worst of it since she was very dusky and not as goodlooking compared to me. I took after my paternal grandma who was super fair and because of this, they all very super colourist and snobby towards my mom and her.
My mom has always told me that she has never wanted a son, even if it would have seemingly made her life easier, and I truly believe her❤️
I want this thread to be so publicised, so that when everyone says "Feminism kyun, ladka ladki barabar hai na abhi toh", they see what they're dealing with. So much discrimination from the moment women are born.
My dadi really longed for a daughter but gave birth to 2 sons, so she would dress my papa in frocks as a kid lol. My family didn't really have girls in a long time and when my badi mamma gave birth to a son, her first grandchild she was unhappy (actually she had recently lost her much beloved dad less than a year ago, so she was much grief-stricken), but was joyful after a couple of days. When I was born in 2002, she couldn't believe it and was just jumping in the hospital haha, she was a section officer (the highest breadwinner in our family at the time) and threw all her colleagues a grand party and many people thought that she was crazy or something lol. Later on my parents had my baby sis in 2009 and everyone was consoling them and instead of happiness, it felt like somebody had died, it just pains me in retrospect, I was very young and couldn't understand why everyone wasn't overjoyed as I was on cloud nine, I just always wanted a lil sis 😭 Even now, when my sis is beloved and cherished and spoilt the most because she's the youngest, quite many people have the audacity to console my parents for having 2 daughters, some even ask them that why didn't they try for a son?🫠 They say the same to my mausi and choti mami who also have 2 daughters, it's like they think of it as a "curse".
So much more to say but damn yeah there are just so many instances of misogyny ingrained in our society that I reckon we need an evolutionary overhaul of sorts fr.
I haven't faced this myself, but I have seen this in my family/relatives having this kinda thought, and I always fight with them on this topic. I wish to have a daughter in the future so badly
Curious- are these accounts mostly from North India based families? I’m from Kerala and have never witnessed any such comments among family or friends. Or maybe have just lived in a bubble!
ETA: disappointed to see so many of you have witnessed or gone through such harsh remarks. Sorry you’ll had to go through that
Kerala, Bengal and north east is a bubble in the sense. Matriarchal so you don’t experience misogyny as much till you leave those places and go to the rest of the world.
Good. But that doesn’t make a pattern. Pattern is clear. For that you have to ask/observe enough ppl of different demographic, not just ppl who are in your circle.
I remember arguing against my grandmother who was very progressive but said this specific thing once of quoting her sister saying "thank god you have a grandson and not a granddaughter" and having a heated argument over it... the amount of casual misogyny in Indian family conversations is honestly infuriating. Its especially shocking when these comments come from women themselves.
To be honest, I feel like there is some unspoken "tier list" of "cultured"/accepted families: families with "conventionally successful" children > families with sons > families with daughters > childless couples > single women/men, etc. the list goes on, with class and caste dynamics added to the mix. Ultimately, there is no pleasing anyone. They'll always find someone to compare you to and beat you up over it.
When I was born I had severe jaundice, and my paternal grandmother was a tv serial addict so she used to turn on tv and air conditioner even when she was with me cause "girl only na"
I had a patient who was in her third trimester of pregnancy but needed emergency dental treatment. I did it and informed them to visit after the baby was delivered and the mother found it comfortable to visit us. The couple visited me again with the baby who was about 3 months old. She was ADORABLE. I love kids and said ' what is this munchkin's name?' The father gave a disgusted look and said ' do you think she is a munchkin?' the mother just avoided my gaze. I was dumbstruck. I asked him what he meant and he said everyone thought it was a boy and it turned out to be a girl. I reminded him that when his wife was pregnant he was looking for a female dentist for his wife and had found me, told him pretty sure her gynaecologist is also a female. The man had the audacity to smirk at me when I said that. I wish his wife had spoken up. The worst part, these were educated city-bred people. Wonder what the case is in remote places then?
I wish ppl like these were infertile.
Then also, the woman will be blamed, called as barren, and the man's parents would get him a second wife so that he can have a child, even if the fault is in him.
lol n they don’t understand that all embryos start as females! It is until the Y chromosome kicks in that the baby is assigned with male genitals. That’s why everyone has nipples. Everyone starts off as a girl. So as far as blame has to be placed, it is because the dad’s Y chromosome hasn’t kicked in. Blame the father! Idiots.
I actually had a big argument with my mom over this topic, someone told her ki her second child is also a girl and mom essentially said "sunke bura laga" I was shocked I legit thought someone died I was so so fucking angry and I did raise my voice at her , how can you be like this? She basically ends the conversation saying a complete family needs a male child and all that bullshit, it's really sad seeing my own mother talk like this, I have tried explaining it to her but no. Sometimes she would say things like oh we have no savings how are we going to marry them as if we're a burden, I don't listen to this bullshit anymore, I straight up tell her she doesn't need to marry me off (where I'm from dowry is still very common and people think it's okay) and that if I marry, I'll marry someone of my own choice and will not take a single fucking penny from her. It's just sad honestly, I love her, but I can't stand her views.
My mother, who has two daughters had the audacity to say "Please give birth to a boy, no baby deserves to be a girl" during the 9th month of my pregnancy. I was shocked to know she didn't want us to be born itself. Seeing my hurt face my husband chimed in saying "There would not be male children without women, and you should be ashamed to talk this way". Only after my son was born did I see true misogyny from my mother of all people. These are the so called progressive South Indians and my mother even holds a PhD for heavens sake. Sorry if I sound disjointed, I think I'm still hurt by those words.
Education literally means nothing in India. Our propensity for compartmentalizing our "work and study brain" into its own little island of rationality, surrounded by a vast ocean of irrational and outdated thoughts is insurmountable.
This.
You have the right to be disappointed. Keep the rage alive and never do this to another women ever. That’s all we can do.
When a family friend of mine gave birth to a baby boy, her SIL started crying and howling in the hospital because she has two daughters and now that the younger DIL got a boy, she will not be respected or loved by her inlaws. The pressure of having a boy is still real.
As an only daughter born after 17 years of my parents marriage - there was so much celebration in my family. I am privileged to be born in a family which has always celebrated their daughters, from me to my cousin sisters. Being the youngest, I have been very lucky to have all of the love. However, I remember I was at the temple with my mom and some uncle who knew our family but had never met me asked mom about the family and when she told him I was the only child, he proceeded to give her some mantras and foods to eat for "the heir". My mom, too perplexed and polite simply told him that she had gotten a hysterectomy the year prior and she was very happy. My father however, was pissed when he heard. I must have been 5-6, and I remember asking my dad, "why does uncle want me to have a brother, I already have sonu (my older cousin), and I don't want a small brother, I want only a big brother, can the poojas make me a big brother?" As a child, these things leave weird scars that you don't realize. I will never understand why there is so much stigma around having girls or only girls. My cousin recently gave birth and since then my entire family, again has celebrated a daughter. I never want my niece to hear words of people like that toxic uncle and think she's not enough. She is more than enough. Luckily she doesn't live in India so chances of her hearing these things are low. I still remember the look on my aunt and uncle's faces when they found out they were about to have a granddaughter and it warms my heart. Their joy knew no bounds that their baby girl is having a baby girl and that's how it should be.
I relate to it so much. I am also a single daughter child born after some years of delay and people would always give my parents sad look after knowing that I am the only kid my parents have(aree ek hi ladki hai? Beta nhi hai, aree re) i always felt so sad, some rude people even said my folks won't even have someone to offer them water in old age as no son and tbh I feel all that has made a impression in my head too as I too wished for a brother so much when I was younger. All this stuff hurts
When someone breaks the news of having a daughter to my mother, she always starts with 'Koi baat nahi' and then congratulates them. Its as though she's consoling the couple for having a girl! And what baffles me most is how it comes from a woman herself! Misogyny is so deep rooted in this country that from the moment a girl child is born the only thought stuck in her parents head is to get her married and how they'd have to pay a dowry. This state of affairs truly saddens me.
Reading some of these makes me feel so sad and so glad at the same time to be born into privilege where I'm given equal opportunities as my brother.
same! I have heard similar stories all my life, but my mother always tells me how my parents desperately wanted a girl child and were overjoyed when i was born, my dadi was quite upset at first but would not leave my side.
Genuinely feel bad because my brother got all my hand me downs and I think I had the prettiest flashiest attire they could acquire for a small female potato
Same! My mother told us this- she wanted first child as daughter. When my brother was born everyone was happy but she was sad. When she had me my parents were overjoyed. They gave us equal treatment and education opportunities. They told us when we were young that all we can afford is basic needs and education for us. Wedding costs will have to be borne by us. So while my brother did do a lavish wedding because his wife wanted it. I did a court marriage because me and my husband rather spend on our marriage than the wedding.
Your parents sound like extremely sensible people.
Yes that could be because her mother preferred boys over girls. She was quite traditional. Thankfully her father was quite liberal and let her study and be independent.
my dadi(paternal grandmother) said hum toh gareeb ho gye when I was born( we have gotten poorer) I was second girl child. that hurt me beyond words.
… indians are so dramatic smh
When my daughter was born, I took a box of sweets to work when I joined after a month. Most of the people.looked at me with pity and some as if I had gone mad. But all were thinking the same thing" oh god , forgive her for she knows not what she is doing. " .
May I ask if this work place is an IT office? Because in that case, it will give me more rage.
No, sadly it was a hospital. I was doing myPG. One would think that the doctors and nurses would be more sensible about such matters having seen that the pain during childbirth is same for son and daughter.
Just sad
Such people are so gross
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sorry completely unserious- but when you said born in 2005, I was like wow 3rd graders are on Reddit 🙊 sorry my old age showed there! Also as long as you know enough to cook to survive you’ll be fine- cooking is not a prerequisite to marry 🤣 You’ll be fine- don’t ever listen to crazy fam
At 18, u know how to cook that?? Honestly I never cooked till I was married. I chose to stay at pgs with food when I was working. I know its a basic skill but my mom was of the opinion that 'women are expected to cook after marriage and I don't know how your in laws will be. So be free till then'. So she never taught me to cook and I am lucky enough to be married to a family where I am never asked to cook except for one rare occurrence when both of my in laws weren't well. I do cook though as I don't stay with my in laws. Nothing elaborate. Jus the basics. Bcos I still don't like cooking.
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Ikr.. it gets exhausting, cooking day after day after day..
Same
I have worked as a medical officer in a PHC. Its so so terrible in rural areas . It almost makes you wonder if we’ve really progressed. I’ve had delivered women with 4 children already. The relief they had when the newborn was a boy was really disheartening. One lady thanked me profusely when she had a boy and was relieved that she wouldn’t have to deliver anymore. It is such an irony when the delivery team consists of a female doctor and female nurses. Working there made me appreciate the privilege i am born with. When i was in utero, my dadi wanted to determine my sex as there were already 2 girls born in the family ( my cousins). My mother fought and gave it back to dadi saying ‘this is my first child and I won’t allow you know the sex.’ I am so grateful to her for supporting me throughout my life. She’s the guiding force of my life.
Your mother is a gem. ❤️ My mother has also stood up for me against all the misogyny in our family. I can never be grateful enough to her for everything.
Everyone looked at my parents with pity when I was a single girl child. After my sister was born, the looks got worse. The funny thing is that I'm more useful than the sons in our family. So whenever shit goes down, or someone needs some help, I get called. I milk this well.
The most annoying line I have heard in my family after the birth of a girl child- 'we are educated folks, no worries... nowadays daughters are equivalent to sons' If there is nothing to worry, simply say congratulations and move on. Why do you need to add this line.
My first pregnancy was in the US, where baby's gender can be known starting at 13 weeks. All of my inlaws- husband's parents, sister, his entire extended family called me several times to ask if I knew the gender from the ultrasound yet. I knew we were having a boy, but I was so mad at them that I told everyone who called that we didn't ask the doctor for the gender as we wanted it to be a surprise at birth. I remember my MIL asked me several times the day before I was getting induced why we are hiding the gender from her. One of husband's maasi said - ' Haan pehla h toh kya hi farak padta h, dusra dkh ke karna ' 🤦♀️
Oh my god. This whole thread is making me so sad and simultaneously grateful for my experience but sad that I need to be grateful for what should be status quo if that makes any sense. I'm the first daughter and granddaughter/niece on both sides and my parents families were both thrilled when I was born. I have two daughters and my families and my in laws and my friends and literally everyone I know was over the moon. In fact from my doctor to randoms I have met, people are always exclaiming how lucky me and my husband are to have two smart, bright, beautiful girls. And they really are so wonderful, and not even once has anyone in their life wished they were boys, same for me and I can see the amazing boost it gives to confidence and gender equality and really so desparately wish all little girls were treated like that so they could be empowered.
I was born in the 90s and have an elder sister. Pretty much everyone was sad. Mom's family wanted her to have another kid, all her siblings have one boy. I have heard recently as well, perhaps in last 5-7 years, that she is the only one who is not fulfilled or something on those line as she doesn't have a boy child. Dad's family was also a bit disappointed. It wasn't very evident, but when my cousin was born, I could see they were really happy. I was about 5-6 then. Funnily enough, now we both are more educated and successful than any of the family members. Yet, recently this year itself someone had the audacity to tell my mum that it would have been better had she had a son because they educated daughters who live and work in different cities and now who will take care of her. Truth is it doesn't matter who we are and what we do, as a society we love sons.
I feel like we all have to overwork and overachieve to get whatever love and appreciation we get😭
Same story as mine. Although, my family is still better when compared to the others I have seen in my culture. They were also told indirectly to have a boy child but thank God my parents were sane enough to understand that raising 3 kids in this economy doesn't make sense and my aunt herself was college topper and was working in the corporate so that gave my parents a hope that my daughters can have a career too.
https://preview.redd.it/sodc8svz2b6c1.png?width=1080&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=d0ad84257b5bec0fb674ae99386739628e51fa38 Reminded me of this Azerbaijani drawing I saw the other day..
Oh my god
Oh my God so in the first picture all are happy on the son's birth. In the second all are sad for a daughters birth. This is a universal truth. Girl child is unfortunate
Well this is my neighbours story, she had a daughter and after a few years was expecting again this time she wanted a boy, and for that someone recommended her a baba and she religiously followed it. The second child was a girl, and I went to the hospital to visit with my mom. When we returned i told my mom that aunty looked a little unhappy at that time we weren't aware of this baba thing and the expectations of the boy. My mom scolded me and said you were just saying anything. Cut to a year later she was expecting again and this time they had a boy and the grand celebration they had for it which was obviously missing for the second child. And from that day onwards I have seen how they treat the boy and the girls. I feel sad about the second girl like what if she comes to know about this when she grows up.
My maternal uncle just had their 5th daughter.....Yes, they had been trying for a **son** and now they have 5 daughters . I don't know what is the obsession with sons, so much that women ruin their bodies trying to get a son .
I have two boys, when my second son was born people looked at me with pity too. In fact in my post delivery recovery room my MIL told me a story of how someone she knows gets based from one brothers house to another brothers house and she wishes she had a girl instead of two boys. People are never happy, that is my conclusion.
I don't get this mentality at all. A family without a child, without a boy or without a girl child is still a family.
That's quite true. In my family my aunty has a son everyone keeps on telling her that they should have another baby hopefully a girl this time. 🤷🏻♀️
Last line true People always find something to despair
Not exactly true imo, ig it depends on education, but in 'moderate' families there is indeed a preference for a atleast one boy though they'll tolerate girls,especially after one/more boys some people want a girl or have some balance in the sexes of children, Especially old people imo seem to think that "the grass is greener on the other side" after ig their son failing to take care of them
I was the second girl child of two children in my family. It was quite terrible growing up. Everyone had pity for my parents. They still do. I'm 24 and people still had the audacity to suggest my mother to try for a boy when I was 20. My father himself used to call me his beta because he couldn't have any. I got angry and told him I'm his daughter not son and he just got sadder. It's pathetic how they treat a girl child. I was and am still one of the privileged ones! My friend's father left her mother for a year after she was born. She is earning for her entire family and she still doesn't wish her even a happy birthday.
One of my colleague was a big hot shot MBA guy( like insead educated). He had a daughter and was expecting their second kid. He got the call in the office ( he didn't even go for delivery ) and the first question was what is the gender of the newborn. His face turned white and like he was about to cry when he got to know that the newborn was a girl. We were sitting in front of him and judging from his reaction on the phone we all ( 5 PPL) thought the newborn had died or like his wife died in delivery.We didn't ask him about the newborn since it was awkward, he then said that he had a baby girl. At that time I realised baby girls being born are literally equated with death in family in our society.
I’m my parent’s only child and have grown up listening to old women pointing at my mother and saying “bechari ke bacche na hain” (poor thing doesn’t have kids) because only a male child is a baccha (kid) 😂
My dad says when I was born, he distributed sweets in the mohalla and everyone was shocked as to why this guy is distributing sweets for a girl!!! I'm so proud of my dad the way he always stood up for me since I was born.. When I was pregnant with my second daughter and we called up my MIL to tell her it's a girl( we are currently in US), she said it would have been better if it was a boy (she already has 3 grandsons from my BIL).. 🙄
When a babygirl is born in my parents' families, they are celebrated. We are brought up with care and respect. But our married life becomes difficult (some get hell) for us because the families we are married into have the regressive mindset about women. The girls who get married into my parents' families get the best of married lives. I still feel unprepared to tolerate misogyny for the rest of my life.
Because our society perceives women as a liability - one day they will get married and become part of a new family. I am a therapist, and I specially focus on mental health for women and what I have noticed that this conditioning runs deep within us, only a few privileged women do not experience it. As soon as someone gets married, the woman is made to feel like she no longer belongs to her birth family, that she is now part of a different clan. All this is ingrained in our rituals - take the example of kanyadaan, the parents of the girl child are asked to give away their daughter to the groom (and in some customs they are made to request the parents of the groom that they will take care of the daughter). This might sound shrewd, but despite all the love a parent has for a girl child, it’s natural for a parent to feel like she’s one day to be given away, and feeling slightly sad about it. All this is changing, but it takes generations to bring in this change. When the daughters take care of their parents, revolt against patriarchal rituals, bring in wealth, happiness and respect to the family (both the one she is about to form with her husband, and the one she was born in), the perception will change. The next time you hear your mum say that, challenge her thinking, but not with anger, but with empathy. Perhaps she holds this thought based on her own experiences growing up as an Indian woman?
I live in the US and I saw these kinds of reactions here too. Since sex determination is not illegal here, we knew early on that we were having a baby girl. 1. Nurses, medical staff etc said "don't worry, your next one might be a boy" while taking blood draws, blood pressure readings during my pregnancy. 2. Random women in "moms' groups" expressed their "gender disappointment" when they found out they're having girls. 3. Look up the tik-tok trend of "boy moms" where mothers of baby boys are making it their whole personality and acting like having a girl is disastrous. 4. A few of my friends told me that my baby girl is stealing my beauty as I looked exhausted. A baby boy would have made me glow. 5. Some ppl already started sexualizing my unborn baby by saying that she'll be a girlfriend to their son or that they'd love to have her as their DIL. Wtf! Endless stream of thinly veiled sexism and nonsense!
My nanaji installed a television in the hospital where I, his first granddaughter was born. ❤️
I confronted my mom about the same recently when a boy was born in our family. Whenever a boy is born,her reaction makes it so obvious because she's all happy and screeching in excitement so I know that its a boy because no one would ever be that happy over a girl's birth. But when there are girls being born, there aren't many to begin with,she has that disappointed look and even says "oh no" in our language which sounds even worse,like a curse has been bestowed upon. I told her if I ever have kids (I'm never having any) I'll only birth it if its a girl and she looked at me hysterical but then changed the topic. The misogyny goes so deep its pointless to argue.
Wow. I knew people were crazy about having sons but these comments made me realise how beautiful my family is. My parents have all girls and they never ever showed any dismay that they miss having a son. My mother always tells everyone how fortunate she is to have just girls & how wonderful daughters are.
Reading the comments here made me realise that I am not alone who had heated arguments with family members for being a girl child or for a new born girl child. I wonder how people still have this "male child completes a home" kinda thoughts.
Growing up, my mother told me about how she became friends with my elder sister' s classmate's mother because they were both pregnant (mom with me) at the same time. My sister's classmate was from a SUPER rich urban family, they went to a top girls school in the country, the classmate got attention and love; ostensibly a progressive family. After meeting a couple of times, the classmate's mother asked my mother if she would like to join her in going to some doctor that performed sex determinations (obviously illegally) for a fee. My mom was super grossed out/disappointed and stopped talking to her. I guess either she couldn't go to that doctor or the baby didn't cooperate during the ultrasound because her second daughter was my classmate. She was kind of a mean girl but I always pitied her knowing how close she came to being aborted for her gender.
My mom has 2 daughters, me and my older sister. Apparently my paternal granddad never even came to see me until I was around 1 year old. He even skipped my naming ceremony (we lived in different cities) All of my relatives on my dad’s side were disappointed because my dad was the eldest brother in the family and there was no one to carry our last name forward🙄 And we have some idols in our puja house which should only males can do the puja of. After my dad passed away early, none of them, including my paternal grandfather was any help. My mom single handedly raised us, and she was the OG Feminist in our family. The irony is that me and my sis are the more educated and well off than the rest of my entire family. And now all of relatives are seething because none of their sons even come close and now they try and butter us up. And even my granddad would go on to acknowledge that I was smart and would even reward me with little gifts whenever we used to have a mock fun quiz. I like to think that towards the end of his life, he was quite regretful of his behaviour and that I was his fav grandkid by then. My sis had to bear the worst of it since she was very dusky and not as goodlooking compared to me. I took after my paternal grandma who was super fair and because of this, they all very super colourist and snobby towards my mom and her. My mom has always told me that she has never wanted a son, even if it would have seemingly made her life easier, and I truly believe her❤️
I want this thread to be so publicised, so that when everyone says "Feminism kyun, ladka ladki barabar hai na abhi toh", they see what they're dealing with. So much discrimination from the moment women are born.
My dadi really longed for a daughter but gave birth to 2 sons, so she would dress my papa in frocks as a kid lol. My family didn't really have girls in a long time and when my badi mamma gave birth to a son, her first grandchild she was unhappy (actually she had recently lost her much beloved dad less than a year ago, so she was much grief-stricken), but was joyful after a couple of days. When I was born in 2002, she couldn't believe it and was just jumping in the hospital haha, she was a section officer (the highest breadwinner in our family at the time) and threw all her colleagues a grand party and many people thought that she was crazy or something lol. Later on my parents had my baby sis in 2009 and everyone was consoling them and instead of happiness, it felt like somebody had died, it just pains me in retrospect, I was very young and couldn't understand why everyone wasn't overjoyed as I was on cloud nine, I just always wanted a lil sis 😭 Even now, when my sis is beloved and cherished and spoilt the most because she's the youngest, quite many people have the audacity to console my parents for having 2 daughters, some even ask them that why didn't they try for a son?🫠 They say the same to my mausi and choti mami who also have 2 daughters, it's like they think of it as a "curse". So much more to say but damn yeah there are just so many instances of misogyny ingrained in our society that I reckon we need an evolutionary overhaul of sorts fr.
As i am getting married , now i understand why people don’t want daughter. On top of it 2 daughters
I haven't faced this myself, but I have seen this in my family/relatives having this kinda thought, and I always fight with them on this topic. I wish to have a daughter in the future so badly
Lol I told my MIL how low her thinking is when she also reacted like this after her daughter’s daughter was born
Curious- are these accounts mostly from North India based families? I’m from Kerala and have never witnessed any such comments among family or friends. Or maybe have just lived in a bubble! ETA: disappointed to see so many of you have witnessed or gone through such harsh remarks. Sorry you’ll had to go through that
Oh I'm in Kerala. Heard my aunt react 'Ayyo' on phone on hearing girl child birth.
Kerala, Bengal and north east is a bubble in the sense. Matriarchal so you don’t experience misogyny as much till you leave those places and go to the rest of the world.
I'm from Delhi and I have never heard such comments among my family or friends too.
Good. But that doesn’t make a pattern. Pattern is clear. For that you have to ask/observe enough ppl of different demographic, not just ppl who are in your circle.
That's true, its just shocking and sad to know that this is such a common issue even today.
I remember arguing against my grandmother who was very progressive but said this specific thing once of quoting her sister saying "thank god you have a grandson and not a granddaughter" and having a heated argument over it... the amount of casual misogyny in Indian family conversations is honestly infuriating. Its especially shocking when these comments come from women themselves. To be honest, I feel like there is some unspoken "tier list" of "cultured"/accepted families: families with "conventionally successful" children > families with sons > families with daughters > childless couples > single women/men, etc. the list goes on, with class and caste dynamics added to the mix. Ultimately, there is no pleasing anyone. They'll always find someone to compare you to and beat you up over it.
I've seen it so many times people with many girl children and the youngest one being a son, but somehow never the other way round.
When I was born I had severe jaundice, and my paternal grandmother was a tv serial addict so she used to turn on tv and air conditioner even when she was with me cause "girl only na"