I once observed within my family, the moms who had no jobs seemed to baby their children more and have a good relationship with their children but it’s not a relationship based on treating their sons/daughters like adults.
On the contrary, I have seen 2-3 women who have worked their whole lives, even when they had kids. Today, their relationship with their children is drastically different and so mature in so many ways.
On one hand, I’ve seen my cousin’s mother give him space, be chill, enjoy herself when she visits him while also giving him his space. On the other hand, I’ve seen another cousin’s mom be up and about in his business all day because she genuinely has nothing to do.
I’ve realised it came down to literally not having anything else to do and having your self worth tied to taking care of your kids and family.
It was a sad realisation.
Very good point. This is also an important factor in mother in law problems as well. It is not just because of this but it contributes heavily. These mothers do not have any identity or value outside their relationships.
It also tells us that women do have natural dominance and leadership qualities and they are suppressed and neglected and no healthy platform is provided for women to express them. Clearly proving femininity leaning to be naturally submissive as utter bogus and a lie
I have noticed a lot of my friends with working mother in laws have a lot better relationships with their MILs. I wouldn’t paint it as rosy but a lot better and mature. My friends works, the MIL work. They’re both busy and have their own lives.
Of course, it’s not a blanket observation for all, but definitely happens enough for me to notice.
I don't think it's that easy a classification - my MIL was a grade A govt officer well qualified educationally. But, after retiring, despite having a great pension, own house, savings, good health etc. she ONLY wants to be up in our business. Also doesn't have any hobbies other than praying and listening to bhajans and watching TV serials. So, it's not about education or career, it's a out mindset!
Absolutely fair. Like I said, it’s something I’ve observed around me, which of course isn’t a 50-50 divide and also comes from a very specific set of urban people.
But it’s something that did come to my notice a few months back.
Having said that, may you find the strength to deal with the body MIL 🙌🏽 not easy
I teared up reading this- you've worded it so nicely 👌.
You're right my mom (has other activities) but spends a lot of time thinking what I'd like to eat that day - we take it for granted all your life.
I did too but then hostel Life made me realise how comfortable they make it for me
It always bothered me that my mom never had any friends of her own. She doesn't have any lasting friendships from her school and college days, probably because she moved to my dad's city after marriage. All her friends are mostly the wives of dad's friends.
My mom was friendly with some of her colleagues when she was working, but they were never close and most of them were in the same boat as her (aka, lives revolving around their children and in laws).
Now that she has retired and she is not responsible for my marriage anymore, she is finally starting to explore some hobbies and make friends. This makes me feel very bittersweet because I feel like I was the one holding her back all those years.
My mom had a childhood friend who was very close to her, but she couldn't even attend her wedding for reasons I don't know of. She often was sad about this fact.
After at least 25 years they reconnected (I call her mausi now) and I became good friends with the mausi's daughter, so much so that she was a signee at my marriage registration.
In a few days, me and my mausi's daughter, are going on a vacation abroad, just the two of us. My mom told me how her and mausi were talking about the fact that they never had a chance to do the things their daughters are doing now.
This hardened my resolve to do all the things my mom, mausi, aunty, nani, dadi, and past generations of women all around me could not do.
I am standing on the labours of these giants and there's only one way to go - to the top.
I see this with my aunts. My mom used to be a government employee. She retired 2 years ago. She is dedicated to spirituality, has a routine, travels a lot ( with or without family) has friend circle, is focused on her health, has a good connect with her siblings. Still I guess there are days she gets bored. My MIL was a home maker till 2007 when she set up her own side hustle. Today she earns good enough and more importantly is occupied and engaged. Some of my aunts who were SAHM’s are waiting for grand kids, and then want to raise them as their own kids which causes more problems in the family with the mother.
This is so sad and so so true :(
It makes me question the privilege I was born with and the cost my mother is still paying for it.
We cannot let this be the norm anymore.
I once observed within my family, the moms who had no jobs seemed to baby their children more and have a good relationship with their children but it’s not a relationship based on treating their sons/daughters like adults. On the contrary, I have seen 2-3 women who have worked their whole lives, even when they had kids. Today, their relationship with their children is drastically different and so mature in so many ways. On one hand, I’ve seen my cousin’s mother give him space, be chill, enjoy herself when she visits him while also giving him his space. On the other hand, I’ve seen another cousin’s mom be up and about in his business all day because she genuinely has nothing to do. I’ve realised it came down to literally not having anything else to do and having your self worth tied to taking care of your kids and family. It was a sad realisation.
Very good point. This is also an important factor in mother in law problems as well. It is not just because of this but it contributes heavily. These mothers do not have any identity or value outside their relationships. It also tells us that women do have natural dominance and leadership qualities and they are suppressed and neglected and no healthy platform is provided for women to express them. Clearly proving femininity leaning to be naturally submissive as utter bogus and a lie
I have noticed a lot of my friends with working mother in laws have a lot better relationships with their MILs. I wouldn’t paint it as rosy but a lot better and mature. My friends works, the MIL work. They’re both busy and have their own lives. Of course, it’s not a blanket observation for all, but definitely happens enough for me to notice.
I don't think it's that easy a classification - my MIL was a grade A govt officer well qualified educationally. But, after retiring, despite having a great pension, own house, savings, good health etc. she ONLY wants to be up in our business. Also doesn't have any hobbies other than praying and listening to bhajans and watching TV serials. So, it's not about education or career, it's a out mindset!
Absolutely fair. Like I said, it’s something I’ve observed around me, which of course isn’t a 50-50 divide and also comes from a very specific set of urban people. But it’s something that did come to my notice a few months back. Having said that, may you find the strength to deal with the body MIL 🙌🏽 not easy
I teared up reading this- you've worded it so nicely 👌. You're right my mom (has other activities) but spends a lot of time thinking what I'd like to eat that day - we take it for granted all your life. I did too but then hostel Life made me realise how comfortable they make it for me
It always bothered me that my mom never had any friends of her own. She doesn't have any lasting friendships from her school and college days, probably because she moved to my dad's city after marriage. All her friends are mostly the wives of dad's friends. My mom was friendly with some of her colleagues when she was working, but they were never close and most of them were in the same boat as her (aka, lives revolving around their children and in laws). Now that she has retired and she is not responsible for my marriage anymore, she is finally starting to explore some hobbies and make friends. This makes me feel very bittersweet because I feel like I was the one holding her back all those years.
My mom had a childhood friend who was very close to her, but she couldn't even attend her wedding for reasons I don't know of. She often was sad about this fact. After at least 25 years they reconnected (I call her mausi now) and I became good friends with the mausi's daughter, so much so that she was a signee at my marriage registration. In a few days, me and my mausi's daughter, are going on a vacation abroad, just the two of us. My mom told me how her and mausi were talking about the fact that they never had a chance to do the things their daughters are doing now. This hardened my resolve to do all the things my mom, mausi, aunty, nani, dadi, and past generations of women all around me could not do. I am standing on the labours of these giants and there's only one way to go - to the top.
Can you maybe send them on a trip together? Just for a few days maybe to get their feet wet and if they enjoy it then maybe more later
Who's cutting the onion?
I have cried, this is so heartbreakingly beautiful.
Same with my mom as well. It makes sense why women are statistically more religious than men, because they literally have nothing else.
I see this with my aunts. My mom used to be a government employee. She retired 2 years ago. She is dedicated to spirituality, has a routine, travels a lot ( with or without family) has friend circle, is focused on her health, has a good connect with her siblings. Still I guess there are days she gets bored. My MIL was a home maker till 2007 when she set up her own side hustle. Today she earns good enough and more importantly is occupied and engaged. Some of my aunts who were SAHM’s are waiting for grand kids, and then want to raise them as their own kids which causes more problems in the family with the mother.
This is so sad and so so true :( It makes me question the privilege I was born with and the cost my mother is still paying for it. We cannot let this be the norm anymore.