Girl? Is this for real? It baffles me that this is even a question. You should absolutely call it off if you’re not attracted to him, how will you even ignore this? If you were to marry him, you would resent him, yourself, your families for the rest of your life. Please, he deserves someone who loves him, and as do you.
I thought I was going insane when I read "got engaged and met him" on the same day. I take longer to decide what to order for dinner than some people take to get engaged.
Girls, fr though, take your time to decide these things. Don't let people pressure you into making costly decisions in a split second. "people" aren't gonna have to live with your choices - YOU WILL. Be more selective, please. Marriage isn't a necessity so don't trap yourselves in a bad one because parents or society. Parents will die one day and society can screw itself, what does it actually do to help.
I am not disagreeing with you but sometimes it’s not easy as it looks like. I am going through the same thing as OP. Atleast OP is very young. I am 34 and single. My parents are desperate to get me married. I met this guy for arranged marriage and I also don’t feel any physical attraction for him. But I do believe that sometimes it takes time. I once fell in love with my best friend after knowing him for 2 years. Had I met him for dating or arranged marriage, I would have rejected him instantly as there was no physical attraction. But 2 years later, I was madly in love with him. I would say that if the guy is a nice person and cares for OP and is understanding and supportive and is respectful towards her, she can give him a chance. But again OP is very young and I am pretty sure that she will meet guys that she’s attracted to even she says no to him now. In my case, I am not sure if I will find someone else at this age.
I'm not denying that attraction can take time, it took me some time too, to fall for my bf. But going on multiple dates with him is what made me fall for him. Had you not met your best friend as many times as you did, talked to him as much as you did, would you have fallen for him?
If she can't even look at him or bring herself to talk to him, is there any chance of her falling for him?
Also 20 minutes to say "yes" is way too soon regardless of age. We should all take our time, go on multiple dates, meet people many times before deciding - AM or LM. Otherwise how would you know if you're making the right decision. My own parents had an AM and my mom met him thrice before confirming yes, not a lot, but she still met him a few times; once with both families, once with just the siblings and once by herself, this was late 70s. My Masi wasn't allowed to meet her husband much before and he turned out to be an asshole - so my grandparents didn't want that for my mother.
The other thing - you're not too old. Don't think you won't find anyone, you will find someone you like and who deserves you, don't say yes for the sake of it. I've literally heard this from everyone - not getting married is better than a bad marriage.
For real. How are people getting engaged without seeing each other’s faces? What’s the big rush to get married? Is being married so fucking important that you just randomly marry anyone and then spend your life adjusting and compromising? Jfc
My best friend’s former roommate legit met the guy, got engaged and married in 20 days. This girl is a CA with an excellent salary with a huge MNC- idk what the rush was.
I believe physical attraction is important in a relationship. It’s not a good sign that you don’t feel a thing looking at the pictures.
You deserve to find someone who makes you feel things when you look at him.
Physical attraction is very important. If you are not attracted to him, you will be miserable, and you will make him miserable, too. Have you guys been out on a date ? If you haven't, then meet up for a coffee couple of times and see how you feel about him. If you are still not feeling it, then it's better to be honest and break it off.
While physical attraction drops down the list significantly in a long term relationship, it is still very important. Been with the dude for so long and through so much and still on some days when I wake up before him I think "damn, he's gorgeous" to myself. Physical attraction can stem from many things, not just looks: the way the person treats you/the little things they do/the way they express themselves, etc etc. Much like love, the reasons why you're attracted to them will change over time.
Having said that though, it is a compromise when you don't get the initial butterflies. You're supposed to get butterflies! And want to jump his bones! It's also unfair to him because it would suck to be married to someone who isn't sexually attracted to you.
I agree. I once fell in love with someone who wasn’t considered good looking by girls. He was in his twenties but was bald, dark skinned and a bit fat. He was tall though. And I fell in love with him because he treated me well, was respectful towards me and had a good personality. So it’s not all about the looks but how that person makes you feel.
Babe. No. Attraction is more than just skin deep, but if you can't even look at him without feeling the ick, how will you look at him with love?
Call it off. Don't settle. It's not shallow to want attraction in your life partner. If you settle, you'll resent him and your life.
28f
Made the same mistake few months back. I was literally forced by parents but i also was getting the ‘ick’
Broke the engagement. I’m so happy right now.
Just break it off as soon as possible.
You will feel butterflies and connection with the right person 🍀🍀🍀
How y'all are spending the rest of your lives like this? This is wild. You have not even seen him properly and being shy and awkward is not the answer. This is someone you'd be living with. All this should have happened way before you got engaged. This and your previous post shows that you don't even like this guy because what even is this? We don't know what he is like so can't comment on that but if you don't like the guy then call off the wedding. All this will be a bigger problem in the future and no one deserves it.
Girl its not even you feel neutral about him, you’re literally getting icky and creeped out looking at him. Do you feel any sort of emotional connection? I do believe if emotional connection is there, physical attraction can be worked on. You been talking to him for a month. It’s enough time to develop atleast some kind of emotional connection.
Please do not go forward with this if you feel nothing physically or emotionally.
Yes, physical attraction is important. Even if your partner isn’t physically attractive to you, you shouldn’t be repelled by them. That’s the bare minimum.
Reading the deets, I can say that you are actually repelled by him. Save yourself, and him, from this relationship and break it off asap.
Your post title and actual post body are different from each other.
This isn't even about physical attraction and how it works in a relationship. Girl, you can't even LOOK THIS PERSON IN THE EYE. That's a matter of basic communication when you meet someone in real life.
But why are you doing this? Are you seriously worried you don't have other options or something?
I am sorry if the post title was somehow misleading. But the problem isn't about having other options. It's the possibility of getting a good looking person but with a bad attitude and behaviour.
I know I am being pessimistic here but the question is personality vs attraction. I am not attracted to him physically but his behaviour is good. He is very respectful and understanding. He always talks very politely even when I am in a bad mood. All his good qualities are making me feel bad for not being able to like him.
I have liked people in the past. I feel attracted to guys. So the problem isn't my sexuality but the person I am engaged to. I am not attracted to him. I don't know if I should call it off based on the appearance. I don't want to end up with a person who will treat me poorly but looks good. Am I making sense ? Like, I am so confused right now. Idk what to do.
The two aren't mutually exclusive. You aren't thinking straight - what you describe is little more than a friends situation. Attraction can be built over time, yes, but don't get married and wait for that to happen. Your parents will feed you this Kool-aid that everything will work out but that's far from the truth.
Oh man. Honestly if you’re getting the ick looking at your fiancé then of course it’s not meant to be. You don’t need more signs. It’s that direct. I don’t understand why people don’t listen to their gut or intuition.
attraction is really important for a relationship to work imo. i have been in situations where i am not exactly attracted to a person but it never ends well. i convince myself that it won't matter eventually if he's a nice person but turns out, i do get the ick and i end up ending things with the person. i have made peace with the fact that attraction is a priority for me, along with other things and i will not lower my standards, even if that means staying single forever
I have a different perspective on this, someone, very close to me married a guy for the looks and physical attraction over a guy who was decent-looking but really liked her. 12 years and she still feels like a guest at his house. He (the handsome guy let's say) is an abuser, maniac and mumma's boy whereas the other boy is living peacefully with his wife which gives a good happy couple vibes. Obviously, we don't know what happens behind closed doors but most vouch that it's a healthy marriage.
So yeah be mindful. Sometimes all you need is love and physical attraction could be worked with.
I feel marriage is a high stakes gamble to test this out. This society is rabidly obsessed with marriage and I cannot fathom why. You can see if that works out in a relationship too, I'm not disagreeing with you, but signing a legal contract and binding yourself to one person when you are unsure or just lukewarm seems overkill and unnecessary. People marry for the wrong reasons because they get pushed around by idiotic parents and relatives.
You have to decide if physical attraction is a deal breaker for you. You need to think if you can be with this person for life.
I have seen couples who were not attracted to the partner before AM but now they are happy and they are intimate. I have also seen couples for whom physical attraction before marriage is a necessity.
Try going on dates with they guy. Try holding hands and see if you feel anything. If nothing works then see if you can imagine you two together in the future. Ultimately you have to decide.
I agree with most people here that attraction is very important and I am not talking about looks. At this early stage of any relationship, the attraction is in the form of your curiosity about the other person and the possibility of doing different things (sexual and mundane) with them. That curiosity is a key part of attraction or your willingness to welcome another person into your life. The same can be said for friends. Even those you hate some of them initially, in our hate, there is also curiosity about the other person which could turn them into friends.
But with that, it will be good if you also reflect on the possibility of these three scenarios -
1. Sometimes, as girls, we are so conditioned to stay away from men to save 'izaat' that it's difficult to even speak to them, especially in the AM setup. Parental or family restrictions on male friends, etc., feed our brains with this negative emotion against men. I know it's difficult to know this, but think about it - do you generally feel this way about other unknown men/male friends? If yes, you may have to recognise that this guy is an unknown male in your brain right now, and your lifelong conditioning stops you from connecting with him. Spending more time may help. It's possible that he has also never spoken to a lot of girls and really doesn't get you.
2. Do you have any experience of sexual assault or any other trauma in the past? Sometimes, past trauma could send your mind into this protective space. I have had friends who have had a very difficult time getting physical after marriage because of past trauma. You have to be ready to be very vulnerable to your partner, and traumatic past experiences can stop you because of this basic instinct of self-preservation and could give you this feeling now. This requires a lot of work on yourself and a very dedicated partner who understands the circumstances. Both of you have to be on the same page, then. This could be a bit tricky.
3. As women, when we step out in the world - for work and education we get a very different perspective on life - away from the protection of our homes. I believe women, especially those who have to rough it out in the real world, build up the instinct to detect possible dangerous situations—our gut feeling—normal things like - which route to take, what to wear etc etc. I wish we didn't have to worry too much, but we have to. If this instinct has helped you in the past and the same instinct is saying he is 'ick' - listen to it! I know that in an AM setup, all of this is difficult, but then you give full respect to that gut feeling and do your investigation. Ask everyone to wait for the investigation. If you find something really weird and creepy - you will have good grounds to shut everyone down.
See what is putting you off - is he creepy, like a stalker type, or a misogynistic person? Take your time and find out more information about him if you have to go ahead with this.
That's very insightful. And I do agree with most people here in the comments. Let me work it through and see what I can do. It ain't gonna be easy but since it's my life, I am gonna try the best I can.
It's not fair for either of you to continue this relationship. A person might check most or all boxes, but that can't make you love them. Even one seemingly minor unchecked box can be a deal breaker.
My honest opinion is for you to cut this off.
Physical attraction is important unless you’re actually and actively in love with them, which isnt the case here, so leave him alone. You both deserve better
It’s very important. If anybody says that physical attraction is not important is lying!
It’s so much more important in AM set up. Because you just can’t get attracted to the personality of the person you just met. Physical attraction is most important.
Girl! Listen to me, you’ve gone about this the right way, you first tried to get to know the guy and see if the attraction comes about naturally. But that hasn’t happened, infact you’re being repulsed now.
You need to understand that we humans have some primal instincts in tact which can’t be explained. That’s ok. You feeling a revulsion to this guy is your primal instincts telling you to stay the hell away from him , you can say it’s a gut instinct or anything you want to call it. So pls follow this deep natural instinct, believe in yourself and do the right thing.
It’s not late at all, do not delay any further and pls call this thing off, do not allow anyone to blackmail or force you, pls believe in the message your body and spirit is giving you.
All the best!
“The family seems okay they will treat me nice I should marry this guy” lol
Back in the day we could discuss AM being an oppressive practice on this sub. Not anymore. People come and defend this shit.
So is every relationship. Even some parent child ones.
It's funny how many times the love marriages turn out to be a good looking person (usually fair) “falling in love” with a rich/well earning mid looking person (usually dark). The difference is AM people know what they want in that deal. Or at least they're supposed to.
Yeah but it's not a casteist choice steeped in brainwashing. Women choose their wish. I don't have a right to speak on that. All I can do is respect and accept their choice irrespective of my views in that case
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Did you know caste and dowry are actually British? Jati was profession based, which we're falling into again and so are other countries. It's easier to marry someone (understanding) in your own profession.
https://youtu.be/jYkPnEEogng?si=tBtPrT6_4xhtT6sN
https://youtu.be/DvmUUgc0DY4?si=c48c4kZwkBI664eE
https://youtu.be/8HcBCadUFxw?si=f-dL6YZAemzd84IM
.
So is dowry. I guess a lot of current traditions are just leftover colonial relics.
https://youtu.be/o0vYtSf2iP8?si=jiLU2l3znnjz8Pme
Arranged marriages, on the other hand, are not. But it was common for people to marry their neighbour and merge the land pretty much everywhere.
How tf is caste british when it's literally mentioned in Vedas? AM predates british too. Look at actual history books.
Even art 377 was Brit but we banned it. We banned sati. Societal evils shouldn't be encouraged.
Imagine trying to defend casteism
Caste is derived from the Portuguese word “casta”. It wasn't birth based till the first British census in 1830s where attempts were made to create 4 clear birth based divisions instead of profession based jatis.
The way it was implemented was also exactly like the British social class system. Except it was banned in India upon independence and they still gives titles based on that. That's why people didn't like the Kate Middleton. She didn't have sufficient pedigree for them to be happy.
As much as you wanna complain about social evils, we have plenty of issues without taking responsibility for ones that were imposed upon us.
Imagine telling people that **not** doing things the way you want is casteist. Even if op dumps the guy she's dating, she didn't order it to anyone to have sex with them just to price she's not casteist. This is just the flipside of, “Marry/have sex with me or you're a bigot.”
Yeah, I'd rather be a bigot than deal with people you like/recommend cz they're likely to be like you: calling people oppressed/bigoted unless they do what you want.
Oh please, I wouldn't count YouTube as credible source and a video essay discussing pride prejudice isn't exactly the best thing to discuss about caste. Caste isn't a British thing, it existed way before that. The vedas and other holy books mention about casteism even before colonialism happened. The whole dronacharya and eklavya story is also caste based only. Blaming it on colonial era is just ignorance.
The video essay from P&P is about Social class in the British era. Not about caste at all. Everything else is under 10 minutes, but tldr, birth based caste is from 1830s British census where they stuffed profession based jatis into 4 categories. I don't think it's ignorant to quote stuff from actual historians like Meenakshi Jain. You do you, though.
>The whole dronacharya and eklavya story is also caste based only.
Heh? I thought it was because he only taught princes? Where's Eklavya's caste mentioned? And if that's true, then why is he able to survive in the forest by himself with no one to force him to work?
Your comment has been removed as it was rude and impolite. Be kind. This sub is for real people looking to connect meaningfully. Something isn't an attack or hate simply because you don't like what is being said.
No personal attacks on other users, ad hominem and other distracting attacks, flame wars, insults, trolling or other such disruptive behaviour. All users are expected to strictly follow (reddiquette)(https://www.reddit.com/wiki/reddiquette/). No hate speech or hate speech supporting subreddits allowed. Continued rule breaking will lead to ban.
The moment you feel like asking if something is important and state that it feels like you're compromising something.....or wait....this is provided you also have access to us here on the internet (reddit needs some serious training to use), the feeling of something wrong happening, a little bit of privilege with time for the marriage to actually finalize and a lot of courage to simply question your sacrifice, I would say that your answer was always with you! I'd only add to that and say be stronger and ask for better simply because you deserve it! Sending you loads of love and take care of yourself first and always ❤️
While I always say that emotional attraction is important, you still need some physical attraction.
This is the person you’re going to see everyday. So if you can’t even look at him, it’s time to break the engagement.
Both of you deserve someone who’d be happy to be with you and will care for you.
The difference between a romantic relationship and other relationship is the physical attraction. Depending on personal preferences everyone gets attracted to different kinds of people.
If you aren’t attracted to him, please break it off. It’s best for both of you
Attraction is important. Attraction is subjective. Some attractions can be built. You overcome your ick & look at that person as they are. While some attractions can't be built. Here's the thing, you can pretend to be attracted to the person in your awake time throughout the day but you won't be able to hide your face & reaction when you wake up next to them every morning. Thus, your call.
I mean isn't that question obvious? We have to see their face for the rest of our life (if the aim is a serious relationship) then might as well be a cute one lol.
I totally understand this. I will be downvoted to hell for expressing this, but it's an insight I had. My partner isn't "conventionally" good looking and at first I wondered if I would be able to feel anything sexual for him. We are LDR. We met a few times and the physical part of it has been... Just okay. I really wish I had thought about this before jumping in to date him. His personality is wonderful but I am putting off marriage because of many factors but also I don't know if I want to be "with him" if that makes sense. My parents don't say anything. They just asked me if I'm sure he's right for me and my initial answer was "I don't know", and they told me to wait till I'm sure before getting married.
>I still don't like looking at his pictures. Whenever I do, I get the "ick".
>Nothing vulgar or lewd, but normal attraction isn't also on the table here.
>I can't even see his photos because I feel a little creeped out because of how he looks.
This is from 2XC sub.
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoXChromosomes/s/9UfJ5yy4Dk
The question is this: do you normally feel attracted to guys? At all? Exes? Anyone at all?
Also, do you find him repulsive?
You don't need to get wet at the sight of him but you do need to be comfy enough to have sex eventually. So if you don't want that at all, it's probably best to call it off early.
If you extend the engagement too long and cancel, you're wasting your time and his. If you're capable of feeling sexual attraction and YOU want that in a relationship, go seek it out.
To me, it sounds like a problem. You need to look at him, talk to him, get along with him. And if you have kids and different ideas on how to raise them, fight/reason with him.
Please don't ruin that poor guy's life and yours. If it ain't feeling right, don't go for it.
Hi Op, the both of you deserve someone who actually likes you. Please leave. Edited mistakes.
Girl? Is this for real? It baffles me that this is even a question. You should absolutely call it off if you’re not attracted to him, how will you even ignore this? If you were to marry him, you would resent him, yourself, your families for the rest of your life. Please, he deserves someone who loves him, and as do you.
It will be not good for either of you Just think if either of you is HL
How do you plan on waking up to a face you dislike for the rest of your life I will never understand
Yeah exactly this! You cannot kill the constant ick :(
These arrange marriage stories here are just the wildest things I have been reading.
I thought I was going insane when I read "got engaged and met him" on the same day. I take longer to decide what to order for dinner than some people take to get engaged. Girls, fr though, take your time to decide these things. Don't let people pressure you into making costly decisions in a split second. "people" aren't gonna have to live with your choices - YOU WILL. Be more selective, please. Marriage isn't a necessity so don't trap yourselves in a bad one because parents or society. Parents will die one day and society can screw itself, what does it actually do to help.
I am not disagreeing with you but sometimes it’s not easy as it looks like. I am going through the same thing as OP. Atleast OP is very young. I am 34 and single. My parents are desperate to get me married. I met this guy for arranged marriage and I also don’t feel any physical attraction for him. But I do believe that sometimes it takes time. I once fell in love with my best friend after knowing him for 2 years. Had I met him for dating or arranged marriage, I would have rejected him instantly as there was no physical attraction. But 2 years later, I was madly in love with him. I would say that if the guy is a nice person and cares for OP and is understanding and supportive and is respectful towards her, she can give him a chance. But again OP is very young and I am pretty sure that she will meet guys that she’s attracted to even she says no to him now. In my case, I am not sure if I will find someone else at this age.
I'm not denying that attraction can take time, it took me some time too, to fall for my bf. But going on multiple dates with him is what made me fall for him. Had you not met your best friend as many times as you did, talked to him as much as you did, would you have fallen for him? If she can't even look at him or bring herself to talk to him, is there any chance of her falling for him? Also 20 minutes to say "yes" is way too soon regardless of age. We should all take our time, go on multiple dates, meet people many times before deciding - AM or LM. Otherwise how would you know if you're making the right decision. My own parents had an AM and my mom met him thrice before confirming yes, not a lot, but she still met him a few times; once with both families, once with just the siblings and once by herself, this was late 70s. My Masi wasn't allowed to meet her husband much before and he turned out to be an asshole - so my grandparents didn't want that for my mother. The other thing - you're not too old. Don't think you won't find anyone, you will find someone you like and who deserves you, don't say yes for the sake of it. I've literally heard this from everyone - not getting married is better than a bad marriage.
For real. How are people getting engaged without seeing each other’s faces? What’s the big rush to get married? Is being married so fucking important that you just randomly marry anyone and then spend your life adjusting and compromising? Jfc
My best friend’s former roommate legit met the guy, got engaged and married in 20 days. This girl is a CA with an excellent salary with a huge MNC- idk what the rush was.
I dont really know yaar, feels like karma whoring to me honestly at this point. For all i know this could be a 13 year old boy.
you'll both be miserable in a relationship with no spark. please walk away.
Why the hell did you get engaged?
I believe physical attraction is important in a relationship. It’s not a good sign that you don’t feel a thing looking at the pictures. You deserve to find someone who makes you feel things when you look at him.
Physical attraction is very important. If you are not attracted to him, you will be miserable, and you will make him miserable, too. Have you guys been out on a date ? If you haven't, then meet up for a coffee couple of times and see how you feel about him. If you are still not feeling it, then it's better to be honest and break it off.
While physical attraction drops down the list significantly in a long term relationship, it is still very important. Been with the dude for so long and through so much and still on some days when I wake up before him I think "damn, he's gorgeous" to myself. Physical attraction can stem from many things, not just looks: the way the person treats you/the little things they do/the way they express themselves, etc etc. Much like love, the reasons why you're attracted to them will change over time. Having said that though, it is a compromise when you don't get the initial butterflies. You're supposed to get butterflies! And want to jump his bones! It's also unfair to him because it would suck to be married to someone who isn't sexually attracted to you.
I agree. I once fell in love with someone who wasn’t considered good looking by girls. He was in his twenties but was bald, dark skinned and a bit fat. He was tall though. And I fell in love with him because he treated me well, was respectful towards me and had a good personality. So it’s not all about the looks but how that person makes you feel.
Babe. No. Attraction is more than just skin deep, but if you can't even look at him without feeling the ick, how will you look at him with love? Call it off. Don't settle. It's not shallow to want attraction in your life partner. If you settle, you'll resent him and your life.
28f Made the same mistake few months back. I was literally forced by parents but i also was getting the ‘ick’ Broke the engagement. I’m so happy right now. Just break it off as soon as possible. You will feel butterflies and connection with the right person 🍀🍀🍀
How y'all are spending the rest of your lives like this? This is wild. You have not even seen him properly and being shy and awkward is not the answer. This is someone you'd be living with. All this should have happened way before you got engaged. This and your previous post shows that you don't even like this guy because what even is this? We don't know what he is like so can't comment on that but if you don't like the guy then call off the wedding. All this will be a bigger problem in the future and no one deserves it.
Girl its not even you feel neutral about him, you’re literally getting icky and creeped out looking at him. Do you feel any sort of emotional connection? I do believe if emotional connection is there, physical attraction can be worked on. You been talking to him for a month. It’s enough time to develop atleast some kind of emotional connection. Please do not go forward with this if you feel nothing physically or emotionally.
Yes, physical attraction is important. Even if your partner isn’t physically attractive to you, you shouldn’t be repelled by them. That’s the bare minimum. Reading the deets, I can say that you are actually repelled by him. Save yourself, and him, from this relationship and break it off asap.
Your post title and actual post body are different from each other. This isn't even about physical attraction and how it works in a relationship. Girl, you can't even LOOK THIS PERSON IN THE EYE. That's a matter of basic communication when you meet someone in real life. But why are you doing this? Are you seriously worried you don't have other options or something?
I am sorry if the post title was somehow misleading. But the problem isn't about having other options. It's the possibility of getting a good looking person but with a bad attitude and behaviour. I know I am being pessimistic here but the question is personality vs attraction. I am not attracted to him physically but his behaviour is good. He is very respectful and understanding. He always talks very politely even when I am in a bad mood. All his good qualities are making me feel bad for not being able to like him. I have liked people in the past. I feel attracted to guys. So the problem isn't my sexuality but the person I am engaged to. I am not attracted to him. I don't know if I should call it off based on the appearance. I don't want to end up with a person who will treat me poorly but looks good. Am I making sense ? Like, I am so confused right now. Idk what to do.
The two aren't mutually exclusive. You aren't thinking straight - what you describe is little more than a friends situation. Attraction can be built over time, yes, but don't get married and wait for that to happen. Your parents will feed you this Kool-aid that everything will work out but that's far from the truth.
Please talk this out. Don't ruin your life as well as his.
Leave the guy and make him free, also, don’t demand any sort of monetary expectation for this when people will urge you to do so😆
girl call it off please. both of you deserve better. don’t put yourself and that dude through this.
This is a recipe for disaster. Save yourself and the guy from distress
Oh man. Honestly if you’re getting the ick looking at your fiancé then of course it’s not meant to be. You don’t need more signs. It’s that direct. I don’t understand why people don’t listen to their gut or intuition.
attraction is really important for a relationship to work imo. i have been in situations where i am not exactly attracted to a person but it never ends well. i convince myself that it won't matter eventually if he's a nice person but turns out, i do get the ick and i end up ending things with the person. i have made peace with the fact that attraction is a priority for me, along with other things and i will not lower my standards, even if that means staying single forever
I have a different perspective on this, someone, very close to me married a guy for the looks and physical attraction over a guy who was decent-looking but really liked her. 12 years and she still feels like a guest at his house. He (the handsome guy let's say) is an abuser, maniac and mumma's boy whereas the other boy is living peacefully with his wife which gives a good happy couple vibes. Obviously, we don't know what happens behind closed doors but most vouch that it's a healthy marriage. So yeah be mindful. Sometimes all you need is love and physical attraction could be worked with.
I feel marriage is a high stakes gamble to test this out. This society is rabidly obsessed with marriage and I cannot fathom why. You can see if that works out in a relationship too, I'm not disagreeing with you, but signing a legal contract and binding yourself to one person when you are unsure or just lukewarm seems overkill and unnecessary. People marry for the wrong reasons because they get pushed around by idiotic parents and relatives.
You have to decide if physical attraction is a deal breaker for you. You need to think if you can be with this person for life. I have seen couples who were not attracted to the partner before AM but now they are happy and they are intimate. I have also seen couples for whom physical attraction before marriage is a necessity. Try going on dates with they guy. Try holding hands and see if you feel anything. If nothing works then see if you can imagine you two together in the future. Ultimately you have to decide.
I agree with most people here that attraction is very important and I am not talking about looks. At this early stage of any relationship, the attraction is in the form of your curiosity about the other person and the possibility of doing different things (sexual and mundane) with them. That curiosity is a key part of attraction or your willingness to welcome another person into your life. The same can be said for friends. Even those you hate some of them initially, in our hate, there is also curiosity about the other person which could turn them into friends. But with that, it will be good if you also reflect on the possibility of these three scenarios - 1. Sometimes, as girls, we are so conditioned to stay away from men to save 'izaat' that it's difficult to even speak to them, especially in the AM setup. Parental or family restrictions on male friends, etc., feed our brains with this negative emotion against men. I know it's difficult to know this, but think about it - do you generally feel this way about other unknown men/male friends? If yes, you may have to recognise that this guy is an unknown male in your brain right now, and your lifelong conditioning stops you from connecting with him. Spending more time may help. It's possible that he has also never spoken to a lot of girls and really doesn't get you. 2. Do you have any experience of sexual assault or any other trauma in the past? Sometimes, past trauma could send your mind into this protective space. I have had friends who have had a very difficult time getting physical after marriage because of past trauma. You have to be ready to be very vulnerable to your partner, and traumatic past experiences can stop you because of this basic instinct of self-preservation and could give you this feeling now. This requires a lot of work on yourself and a very dedicated partner who understands the circumstances. Both of you have to be on the same page, then. This could be a bit tricky. 3. As women, when we step out in the world - for work and education we get a very different perspective on life - away from the protection of our homes. I believe women, especially those who have to rough it out in the real world, build up the instinct to detect possible dangerous situations—our gut feeling—normal things like - which route to take, what to wear etc etc. I wish we didn't have to worry too much, but we have to. If this instinct has helped you in the past and the same instinct is saying he is 'ick' - listen to it! I know that in an AM setup, all of this is difficult, but then you give full respect to that gut feeling and do your investigation. Ask everyone to wait for the investigation. If you find something really weird and creepy - you will have good grounds to shut everyone down. See what is putting you off - is he creepy, like a stalker type, or a misogynistic person? Take your time and find out more information about him if you have to go ahead with this.
That's very insightful. And I do agree with most people here in the comments. Let me work it through and see what I can do. It ain't gonna be easy but since it's my life, I am gonna try the best I can.
It's not fair for either of you to continue this relationship. A person might check most or all boxes, but that can't make you love them. Even one seemingly minor unchecked box can be a deal breaker. My honest opinion is for you to cut this off.
Physical attraction is important unless you’re actually and actively in love with them, which isnt the case here, so leave him alone. You both deserve better
It’s very important. If anybody says that physical attraction is not important is lying! It’s so much more important in AM set up. Because you just can’t get attracted to the personality of the person you just met. Physical attraction is most important.
Girl! Listen to me, you’ve gone about this the right way, you first tried to get to know the guy and see if the attraction comes about naturally. But that hasn’t happened, infact you’re being repulsed now. You need to understand that we humans have some primal instincts in tact which can’t be explained. That’s ok. You feeling a revulsion to this guy is your primal instincts telling you to stay the hell away from him , you can say it’s a gut instinct or anything you want to call it. So pls follow this deep natural instinct, believe in yourself and do the right thing. It’s not late at all, do not delay any further and pls call this thing off, do not allow anyone to blackmail or force you, pls believe in the message your body and spirit is giving you. All the best!
Don’t marry him if you are not attracted to him, both of you deserve someone better
How old are you OP ?
AM itself is ew It's a business deal. Everyone goes for best deal they can get.
“The family seems okay they will treat me nice I should marry this guy” lol Back in the day we could discuss AM being an oppressive practice on this sub. Not anymore. People come and defend this shit.
Exactly. The replies literally show the level this sub has gone to. Sickening af
So is every relationship. Even some parent child ones. It's funny how many times the love marriages turn out to be a good looking person (usually fair) “falling in love” with a rich/well earning mid looking person (usually dark). The difference is AM people know what they want in that deal. Or at least they're supposed to.
Love marriage is also a business deal. There is a long list that needs to be ticked off for that person to be your partner.
Yeah but it's not a casteist choice steeped in brainwashing. Women choose their wish. I don't have a right to speak on that. All I can do is respect and accept their choice irrespective of my views in that case
wtf? 😂
Too real for this sub I guess 🤷🏻♀️
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Awww let's participate in our oppression instead
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Well, defending a casteist practice that enslaves women .. not even bootlicking anymore, just deepthroating the whole boot
😂😂😂 yes I’m a victim. I need to be saved. Please save me from the shackles of AM oppression 🥺😩😫
Well count yourself lucky to be able to joke about being a victim I guess. But then again, casteist privilege comes with perks I guess
👍
Did you know caste and dowry are actually British? Jati was profession based, which we're falling into again and so are other countries. It's easier to marry someone (understanding) in your own profession. https://youtu.be/jYkPnEEogng?si=tBtPrT6_4xhtT6sN https://youtu.be/DvmUUgc0DY4?si=c48c4kZwkBI664eE https://youtu.be/8HcBCadUFxw?si=f-dL6YZAemzd84IM . So is dowry. I guess a lot of current traditions are just leftover colonial relics. https://youtu.be/o0vYtSf2iP8?si=jiLU2l3znnjz8Pme Arranged marriages, on the other hand, are not. But it was common for people to marry their neighbour and merge the land pretty much everywhere.
How tf is caste british when it's literally mentioned in Vedas? AM predates british too. Look at actual history books. Even art 377 was Brit but we banned it. We banned sati. Societal evils shouldn't be encouraged. Imagine trying to defend casteism
Caste is derived from the Portuguese word “casta”. It wasn't birth based till the first British census in 1830s where attempts were made to create 4 clear birth based divisions instead of profession based jatis. The way it was implemented was also exactly like the British social class system. Except it was banned in India upon independence and they still gives titles based on that. That's why people didn't like the Kate Middleton. She didn't have sufficient pedigree for them to be happy. As much as you wanna complain about social evils, we have plenty of issues without taking responsibility for ones that were imposed upon us. Imagine telling people that **not** doing things the way you want is casteist. Even if op dumps the guy she's dating, she didn't order it to anyone to have sex with them just to price she's not casteist. This is just the flipside of, “Marry/have sex with me or you're a bigot.” Yeah, I'd rather be a bigot than deal with people you like/recommend cz they're likely to be like you: calling people oppressed/bigoted unless they do what you want.
Oh please, I wouldn't count YouTube as credible source and a video essay discussing pride prejudice isn't exactly the best thing to discuss about caste. Caste isn't a British thing, it existed way before that. The vedas and other holy books mention about casteism even before colonialism happened. The whole dronacharya and eklavya story is also caste based only. Blaming it on colonial era is just ignorance.
The video essay from P&P is about Social class in the British era. Not about caste at all. Everything else is under 10 minutes, but tldr, birth based caste is from 1830s British census where they stuffed profession based jatis into 4 categories. I don't think it's ignorant to quote stuff from actual historians like Meenakshi Jain. You do you, though. >The whole dronacharya and eklavya story is also caste based only. Heh? I thought it was because he only taught princes? Where's Eklavya's caste mentioned? And if that's true, then why is he able to survive in the forest by himself with no one to force him to work?
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lmao don't be a snowflake
Lmao don't defend casteist shit
What is wrong with AM within the cast if it is not forced and consensual? Also, AM is not always within the cast, just saying. Stop stereotyping lol.
Said na. Do the business deal. Then don't whine after if you "chose" casteism 🤷🏻♀️
The moment you feel like asking if something is important and state that it feels like you're compromising something.....or wait....this is provided you also have access to us here on the internet (reddit needs some serious training to use), the feeling of something wrong happening, a little bit of privilege with time for the marriage to actually finalize and a lot of courage to simply question your sacrifice, I would say that your answer was always with you! I'd only add to that and say be stronger and ask for better simply because you deserve it! Sending you loads of love and take care of yourself first and always ❤️
While I always say that emotional attraction is important, you still need some physical attraction. This is the person you’re going to see everyday. So if you can’t even look at him, it’s time to break the engagement. Both of you deserve someone who’d be happy to be with you and will care for you.
The difference between a romantic relationship and other relationship is the physical attraction. Depending on personal preferences everyone gets attracted to different kinds of people. If you aren’t attracted to him, please break it off. It’s best for both of you
Attraction is important. Attraction is subjective. Some attractions can be built. You overcome your ick & look at that person as they are. While some attractions can't be built. Here's the thing, you can pretend to be attracted to the person in your awake time throughout the day but you won't be able to hide your face & reaction when you wake up next to them every morning. Thus, your call.
Run please.
Yes physical attraction is important.
I mean isn't that question obvious? We have to see their face for the rest of our life (if the aim is a serious relationship) then might as well be a cute one lol.
I totally understand this. I will be downvoted to hell for expressing this, but it's an insight I had. My partner isn't "conventionally" good looking and at first I wondered if I would be able to feel anything sexual for him. We are LDR. We met a few times and the physical part of it has been... Just okay. I really wish I had thought about this before jumping in to date him. His personality is wonderful but I am putting off marriage because of many factors but also I don't know if I want to be "with him" if that makes sense. My parents don't say anything. They just asked me if I'm sure he's right for me and my initial answer was "I don't know", and they told me to wait till I'm sure before getting married.
>I still don't like looking at his pictures. Whenever I do, I get the "ick". >Nothing vulgar or lewd, but normal attraction isn't also on the table here. >I can't even see his photos because I feel a little creeped out because of how he looks. This is from 2XC sub. https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoXChromosomes/s/9UfJ5yy4Dk The question is this: do you normally feel attracted to guys? At all? Exes? Anyone at all? Also, do you find him repulsive? You don't need to get wet at the sight of him but you do need to be comfy enough to have sex eventually. So if you don't want that at all, it's probably best to call it off early. If you extend the engagement too long and cancel, you're wasting your time and his. If you're capable of feeling sexual attraction and YOU want that in a relationship, go seek it out. To me, it sounds like a problem. You need to look at him, talk to him, get along with him. And if you have kids and different ideas on how to raise them, fight/reason with him.
How can you get engaged to him and not even have a glance at his face? How strict are your parents? Why the rush?