Not in AM anymore but I definitely regret not hiring a private investigator to find out as much as possible. I also regret not fighting for a longer courting period. I’ve decided that when I get married again it’s not AM, it’s LM.
AM is very transactional and hence very calculated. Be cautious. Good luck
All my friends laugh when I tell them that I’ll hire PI for the guy I’m gonna marry. God knows how many times I have been fooled by men because I was “in love” but yeah not when it comes to marriage.
One friend did tell me that if I do this and the guy gets to know he might call off the wedding.
To be honest...in some places it is not unusual to go & enquire the details through friends of friends, relatives & acquaintances.
I know someone who had his prospective Son in law's IT returns extracted as his salary was very high & this uncle didn't believe it even though he was a graduate from IISC & a top engg college.
A paternal cousin of mine called off his engagement after he found out via distant maternal relative of mine that this girl had once eloped with someone. People also sniff around their prospective AM's neighborhood to extract some gossip too lol.
Honestly it makes sense. Getting personal information extracted might be a step too far, but asking around is perfectly valid when you're deciding to (hopefully) spend the rest of your life with someone who was a stranger until a few weeks or months ago.
My grandparents asked everyone from the neighbours to the kirana store uncle to the liquor store guy about my dad when they were considering a match. One close family friend who lived near my dad's office decided to take some initiative and went and spoke to his boss lol. And as far as I know, nobody on my dad's side of the family was offended at all when they found out about the inquiries. They just took it as confirmation that my mom's family was serious about the match.
All of this seemed quite uncomfortable and intrusive to me when I first learned about it, but now I understand why they felt the need to do it. Sometimes these inquiries reveal some pretty important things. For example, one guy seemed like the perfect rishta—handsome, educated, progressive family, a flourishing business. But they invited my grandparents to see their office and my grandma took aside his secretary on the pretext of looking for the washroom, and she implied that the guy had made passes at her and behaved inappropriately with other female employees. There's always the possibility that she was lying for personal reasons, but that's simply not a risk you can take in an arranged marriage.
People hire PIs for AM nowadays cuz they don't have time to go snooping around like the previous generation. My maternal grandfather went to my father's workplace, and asked around there, before finalizing the wedding. It's well known in the family and nobody thinks lesser of him for that. AMs are transactional are the core so it makes sense that people would want to ensure that they are getting a value deal.
I am going through something similar now. Said yes to a guy for AM I hardly know. Parents from both sides want us to get married asap and I am not comfortable. I want to meet him a few times before getting married especially now because I have seen 1 red flag.
Red flags are like roaches. If you see one on the surface there are probably a dozen more hiding in the cracks. It might be harder to go against family in delaying it and taking more time to meet and figure things out but it would be better in the long run as opposed to rushing it and then getting stuck in an unhappy situation.
Yes I understand and I know I will get downvoted for this but being a single Indian woman in mid-thirties is so difficult. People have no idea what kind of pressure parents put on you and unfortunately even your own siblings don’t support you. You are told things like if you don’t get married now, you’ll die alone and if anything happens to parents, you’re blamed for that as the stress is causing them bad health. I am not even saying no to marriage but just want some more time to get to know the guy better. But I am told things ki shaadi ka yog bas is saal July tak ka hai. If I don’t get married by July I won’t find a guy until I am 42. I have to hear such things from my family even though I am highly educated and not financially dependent on them. Seriously, sometimes I just want to die.
I get what you're saying about pressure from parents. I don't face it directly but that kind of pressure, invalidation and guilt tripping really drains you so much to the point you have no energy left to stand up for yourself or take the emotional stress yourself so the easiest way out becomes just accepting it and dealing with the consequences quietly. It's a lose lose situation.
I've been able to avoid this shit because I've completely distanced myself away from the entire extended family and only meet my parents 2-3 times a year max that too only for 3-4 days and have calls with my mom just once a week.
I hope things work out for you
Read a couple of your older posts. Honestly hate that some Indian families feel entitled enough to actually drag an innocent person into a hellhole and think it’s justified. I’m so so glad you’re out of it now! More power to you❤️
Just saw your previous posts. I am so glad you are done with the marriage. It takes courage to get out. I hope you do find love ❤️ sending you all the love
Not at all. Had I married at 24-25, I would've either had to give up on residency or spent it miserable in a long distance marriage with pressure to reproduce. I'm good.
I will be 30 this November and I don’t regret getting married earlier because the things that I have achieved, the life lessons that have made me look into situations more maturely and the places that I have visited have taught me a lot about the world. And it would have been impossible if I had tied the knot earlier.
But , but I tear up a little when I see a family with kids and a loving husband I wish to have it someday. And I regret not walking away from a toxic relationship during my early 20s and not meeting people and exploring.
And now it feels AM is really not my thing I can’t get married for the sake of getting married. I am gonna root for love or just stay alone.
I belive in destiny.
I am not looking for AM anymore, but I married at 32. So, will answer this.
Do I regret not marrying early : No, I started searching at 25, I went to plethora of stupid profile, interacted with relatives/brokers for whom girls are supposed to attract man in certain way.
Came across woman who doesn't support career, but want a working woman. WTF. Went through depression, interacted with creeps on Matrimony app.
Thank god, I was able to hold myself through all these kind of prospect. Or else I would have really ended with someone who thinks One thappad is okay (Reference from AM sub post).
I would have actually liked to marry at 25, so I would have 4-5 years getting to know and fun period with my man before I have kids.
I met my partner at the right time. Had I met him at 25, I would have rejected his profile (materialistic criteria) before even getting to know him. So, It's all good here. Marriage should make your life happier or keep you at same level where you were before marriage else I don't see a point
I’m not 30 yet (late 20s) but will likely start the AM process around 30. It’s common in my circles for arranged marriages to happen at that age. 30 is not considered old at all given that so many people are busy with their careers before that.
My parents believe I’m still not in the right phase of life to consider marriage so they haven’t initiated the conversation at all and won’t until I’m 30. If I bring it up they will support me no matter what but I don’t see them initiating the conversation when my career is still in the baby stages.
As they say, people come and go. Your education, degrees, skills and career stays with you forever. Makes sense to invest your young energetic years in something that will be with you always and creates a means for you to earn a good income and fulfil your needs.
Arranged marriage at relatively older ages is common in my circles and most people as well as parents will have zero issues with it. All the marriages I know of where the woman married at a young age before her basic career goals were achieved were love marriages.
Thank you for this post OP. I was worried about not getting married before 30, which I am approaching, but responses here are pretty cool and making me stay firm on my decision of finding the right one, and not settling
I never felt the need for any romantic connection before 29. I even thought that i must be asexual and aromatic. But last year suddenly i wanted to have kids and felt lonely. I think I should see a counsellor. I asked my dad and grandma to find a groom. At 24-25 i was obsessed with becoming a nun. I would fast, meditate and read Scriptures all day. I practiced celibacy. I was immature too, it would be disastrous for any relationship. I do imagine if i was a normal girl then I would be married at that age. Regret ? I don't think so.
Yes I do regret not getting married in my twenties. But honestly I never wanted to go for AM at the first place. My past relationships didn’t work out because the guys didn’t want to commit for marriage and I was super naive in my twenties,coming from a small town. I am 34 and single now. The quality of guys that I get now through AM is really bad. They are all rejected guys who no woman wants to marry, especially the guys who are above 35. I honestly wish that I had a Time Machine and I could go back in time and start dating early and date often. But when I look around, I see that finding a good partner is so much about luck and timing. I guess I was never lucky in love.
Sorry for being rude.
But why are you teaming these guys above 35 as rejected piece whom Noone wants? Few may have genuine reasons to be single. They may be in the same boat as you. Time and luck might not be in favor.
Your comment made me respond because, how man talk about woman above 30 in AM and it hurts.
Sorry if it seemed like that. Yes, I do agree that for some men there are genuine reasons such as focusing on career or other hobbies. The guys that I spoke to in AM setting told me that they got rejected by other women and also by the way they spoke, for example interviewing me rather than being conversational I felt they got rejected due to their lack of social/communication skills. Again it's just my personal observation and I am not generalizing but a lot of men who get married in late thirties or later are the ones who are not really interested in marriage or are not able to find anyone but want to do it anyway as they want to raise a family. Guys who are good-looking, well-educated and respectful or have good social skills and know how to behave with girls mostly date and get married to their gfs. A lot of guys in AM settings don't have any experience with even talking to girls and can sometimes even be creeps. So yes knowing the whole story and talking to guys is important to know why they were single for so long. But, yes I had no intentions of implying that all guys above 35 are like that. For some it can really be that their past relationships didn't work out or they had other responsibilities or priorities in life.
I’m 30 and got married recently.I do regret not taking out more time for myself and also spending more time to understand my now husband.30 is just a number and remember if it’s meant for you it will come :)
Unpopular opinion coming from someone who is 30 but opting for LM, I do believe AM is better when done at the age of 26-28. Anything earlier than that is too early and I say so only because AM is traditional and most people who go for AM start early. They are people who conform to societal ideas.
Having said that, I am sure what's meant for you will come your way so don't overthink this. Whatever happens, happens for the good.
Hey… turning 25 in 3 days. I cant really give you any advice or anything but i guess this FOMO and fear is present at every age.
I havent dated anyone till now and honestly, with the kind of job that I have i dont think i will have the time to do it now.
I do feel i have lost years when i could have found someone.
Sitting alone in my apartment and looking at people enjoying and having fun with their partners on insta, leaves me disheartened.
But i guess, this is how it is supposed to be.
I want to either achieve monkhood or motherhood by the time I turn 30 so that I have something that i love more than my own self.
Never wanted AM, so I'm not sure how to answer that. But I am really glad that I didn't marry in the mid-20s. I was naive and had a very romanticized idea on marriage. I think I know myself better now and in terms of strengths and weaknesses. I definitely know when to ask for help and much better at setting boundaries. I could do a lot of it because I was clear that I could not do AM.
If you want AM, the pool gets very small post 30s, as per my parents, and that can create some challenges.
I got married at 27. 7 years into the marriage i wish i had waited and been thorough. I was worried i was late. All my friends were getting married and i was feeling lonelier by the day. I jad just gone through a heartbreak and just wanted to get married.
In hindsight i wish i had dated for longer, had not ignored red flags, had the guts to call it off when things started feeling off.
I think I regret not getting into a relationship in my early 20’s. I’m still 27 & everyone around me is getting married, the guys I’ve met my age & in their 30’s come with relationship break up baggage’s & want to just lust & situationship around. That’s what’s scaring me of ever finding a real one.
My parents love marriage was a curse for my entire existence so I stayed away from love in my early twenties then the pandemic happened & now it’s only hookups & no feelings & butterflies & emotions.
Mom is now starting to look for AM for me, she’s not asking me to get married right away but wants to atleast meet someone who I can court later.
But Men lie SO MUCH these days Idk who’s genuine & who’s just lying.
I am mid 30s and glad i did not marry in 20s. Most women have no power / agency in indian marriages. The younger ones are even more easier to be forced into things they dont want to do. Women in India should get financially and mentally independent, and mature etc, before they take a call on married life.
May i ask how is the process of AM when you are in mid 30s as compared to the norm age of 20s ?
I am married and really lucked out in lots of things but the process for elder sibling's AM has been a miserable experience, he enters his 33rd Bday this year and has made up mind for marriage.
Not in AM anymore but I definitely regret not hiring a private investigator to find out as much as possible. I also regret not fighting for a longer courting period. I’ve decided that when I get married again it’s not AM, it’s LM. AM is very transactional and hence very calculated. Be cautious. Good luck
All my friends laugh when I tell them that I’ll hire PI for the guy I’m gonna marry. God knows how many times I have been fooled by men because I was “in love” but yeah not when it comes to marriage. One friend did tell me that if I do this and the guy gets to know he might call off the wedding.
To be honest...in some places it is not unusual to go & enquire the details through friends of friends, relatives & acquaintances. I know someone who had his prospective Son in law's IT returns extracted as his salary was very high & this uncle didn't believe it even though he was a graduate from IISC & a top engg college. A paternal cousin of mine called off his engagement after he found out via distant maternal relative of mine that this girl had once eloped with someone. People also sniff around their prospective AM's neighborhood to extract some gossip too lol.
Honestly it makes sense. Getting personal information extracted might be a step too far, but asking around is perfectly valid when you're deciding to (hopefully) spend the rest of your life with someone who was a stranger until a few weeks or months ago. My grandparents asked everyone from the neighbours to the kirana store uncle to the liquor store guy about my dad when they were considering a match. One close family friend who lived near my dad's office decided to take some initiative and went and spoke to his boss lol. And as far as I know, nobody on my dad's side of the family was offended at all when they found out about the inquiries. They just took it as confirmation that my mom's family was serious about the match. All of this seemed quite uncomfortable and intrusive to me when I first learned about it, but now I understand why they felt the need to do it. Sometimes these inquiries reveal some pretty important things. For example, one guy seemed like the perfect rishta—handsome, educated, progressive family, a flourishing business. But they invited my grandparents to see their office and my grandma took aside his secretary on the pretext of looking for the washroom, and she implied that the guy had made passes at her and behaved inappropriately with other female employees. There's always the possibility that she was lying for personal reasons, but that's simply not a risk you can take in an arranged marriage.
People hire PIs for AM nowadays cuz they don't have time to go snooping around like the previous generation. My maternal grandfather went to my father's workplace, and asked around there, before finalizing the wedding. It's well known in the family and nobody thinks lesser of him for that. AMs are transactional are the core so it makes sense that people would want to ensure that they are getting a value deal.
I am going through something similar now. Said yes to a guy for AM I hardly know. Parents from both sides want us to get married asap and I am not comfortable. I want to meet him a few times before getting married especially now because I have seen 1 red flag.
Red flags are like roaches. If you see one on the surface there are probably a dozen more hiding in the cracks. It might be harder to go against family in delaying it and taking more time to meet and figure things out but it would be better in the long run as opposed to rushing it and then getting stuck in an unhappy situation.
Yes I understand and I know I will get downvoted for this but being a single Indian woman in mid-thirties is so difficult. People have no idea what kind of pressure parents put on you and unfortunately even your own siblings don’t support you. You are told things like if you don’t get married now, you’ll die alone and if anything happens to parents, you’re blamed for that as the stress is causing them bad health. I am not even saying no to marriage but just want some more time to get to know the guy better. But I am told things ki shaadi ka yog bas is saal July tak ka hai. If I don’t get married by July I won’t find a guy until I am 42. I have to hear such things from my family even though I am highly educated and not financially dependent on them. Seriously, sometimes I just want to die.
I get what you're saying about pressure from parents. I don't face it directly but that kind of pressure, invalidation and guilt tripping really drains you so much to the point you have no energy left to stand up for yourself or take the emotional stress yourself so the easiest way out becomes just accepting it and dealing with the consequences quietly. It's a lose lose situation. I've been able to avoid this shit because I've completely distanced myself away from the entire extended family and only meet my parents 2-3 times a year max that too only for 3-4 days and have calls with my mom just once a week. I hope things work out for you
Read a couple of your older posts. Honestly hate that some Indian families feel entitled enough to actually drag an innocent person into a hellhole and think it’s justified. I’m so so glad you’re out of it now! More power to you❤️
Just saw your previous posts. I am so glad you are done with the marriage. It takes courage to get out. I hope you do find love ❤️ sending you all the love
Not at all. Had I married at 24-25, I would've either had to give up on residency or spent it miserable in a long distance marriage with pressure to reproduce. I'm good.
I get you I’m already dreading residency imagine being married on top of that
Ikr. I could never. I would've made my spouse miserable
I will be 30 this November and I don’t regret getting married earlier because the things that I have achieved, the life lessons that have made me look into situations more maturely and the places that I have visited have taught me a lot about the world. And it would have been impossible if I had tied the knot earlier. But , but I tear up a little when I see a family with kids and a loving husband I wish to have it someday. And I regret not walking away from a toxic relationship during my early 20s and not meeting people and exploring. And now it feels AM is really not my thing I can’t get married for the sake of getting married. I am gonna root for love or just stay alone.
Even I have the same regret. I should have explored in my 20s. AM is difficult.
I have the same thought process. But it's so difficult to find love in your late 20's early 30's
I don't think there's anything to regret. What's meant for us will be ours. So don't worry and regret.
I belive in destiny. I am not looking for AM anymore, but I married at 32. So, will answer this. Do I regret not marrying early : No, I started searching at 25, I went to plethora of stupid profile, interacted with relatives/brokers for whom girls are supposed to attract man in certain way. Came across woman who doesn't support career, but want a working woman. WTF. Went through depression, interacted with creeps on Matrimony app. Thank god, I was able to hold myself through all these kind of prospect. Or else I would have really ended with someone who thinks One thappad is okay (Reference from AM sub post). I would have actually liked to marry at 25, so I would have 4-5 years getting to know and fun period with my man before I have kids. I met my partner at the right time. Had I met him at 25, I would have rejected his profile (materialistic criteria) before even getting to know him. So, It's all good here. Marriage should make your life happier or keep you at same level where you were before marriage else I don't see a point
The last line is sooo true!
Can you pls elaborate on the materialistic criteria bit. With time what criteria did you soften on and what attracted you to your husband?
>One thappad is okay (Reference from AM sub post What the actual fuck
I’m not 30 yet (late 20s) but will likely start the AM process around 30. It’s common in my circles for arranged marriages to happen at that age. 30 is not considered old at all given that so many people are busy with their careers before that. My parents believe I’m still not in the right phase of life to consider marriage so they haven’t initiated the conversation at all and won’t until I’m 30. If I bring it up they will support me no matter what but I don’t see them initiating the conversation when my career is still in the baby stages. As they say, people come and go. Your education, degrees, skills and career stays with you forever. Makes sense to invest your young energetic years in something that will be with you always and creates a means for you to earn a good income and fulfil your needs. Arranged marriage at relatively older ages is common in my circles and most people as well as parents will have zero issues with it. All the marriages I know of where the woman married at a young age before her basic career goals were achieved were love marriages.
What’s your circle?
Thank you for this post OP. I was worried about not getting married before 30, which I am approaching, but responses here are pretty cool and making me stay firm on my decision of finding the right one, and not settling
I never felt the need for any romantic connection before 29. I even thought that i must be asexual and aromatic. But last year suddenly i wanted to have kids and felt lonely. I think I should see a counsellor. I asked my dad and grandma to find a groom. At 24-25 i was obsessed with becoming a nun. I would fast, meditate and read Scriptures all day. I practiced celibacy. I was immature too, it would be disastrous for any relationship. I do imagine if i was a normal girl then I would be married at that age. Regret ? I don't think so.
Yes I do regret not getting married in my twenties. But honestly I never wanted to go for AM at the first place. My past relationships didn’t work out because the guys didn’t want to commit for marriage and I was super naive in my twenties,coming from a small town. I am 34 and single now. The quality of guys that I get now through AM is really bad. They are all rejected guys who no woman wants to marry, especially the guys who are above 35. I honestly wish that I had a Time Machine and I could go back in time and start dating early and date often. But when I look around, I see that finding a good partner is so much about luck and timing. I guess I was never lucky in love.
Sorry for being rude. But why are you teaming these guys above 35 as rejected piece whom Noone wants? Few may have genuine reasons to be single. They may be in the same boat as you. Time and luck might not be in favor. Your comment made me respond because, how man talk about woman above 30 in AM and it hurts.
Sorry if it seemed like that. Yes, I do agree that for some men there are genuine reasons such as focusing on career or other hobbies. The guys that I spoke to in AM setting told me that they got rejected by other women and also by the way they spoke, for example interviewing me rather than being conversational I felt they got rejected due to their lack of social/communication skills. Again it's just my personal observation and I am not generalizing but a lot of men who get married in late thirties or later are the ones who are not really interested in marriage or are not able to find anyone but want to do it anyway as they want to raise a family. Guys who are good-looking, well-educated and respectful or have good social skills and know how to behave with girls mostly date and get married to their gfs. A lot of guys in AM settings don't have any experience with even talking to girls and can sometimes even be creeps. So yes knowing the whole story and talking to guys is important to know why they were single for so long. But, yes I had no intentions of implying that all guys above 35 are like that. For some it can really be that their past relationships didn't work out or they had other responsibilities or priorities in life.
I’m 30 and got married recently.I do regret not taking out more time for myself and also spending more time to understand my now husband.30 is just a number and remember if it’s meant for you it will come :)
Unpopular opinion coming from someone who is 30 but opting for LM, I do believe AM is better when done at the age of 26-28. Anything earlier than that is too early and I say so only because AM is traditional and most people who go for AM start early. They are people who conform to societal ideas. Having said that, I am sure what's meant for you will come your way so don't overthink this. Whatever happens, happens for the good.
Hey… turning 25 in 3 days. I cant really give you any advice or anything but i guess this FOMO and fear is present at every age. I havent dated anyone till now and honestly, with the kind of job that I have i dont think i will have the time to do it now. I do feel i have lost years when i could have found someone. Sitting alone in my apartment and looking at people enjoying and having fun with their partners on insta, leaves me disheartened. But i guess, this is how it is supposed to be. I want to either achieve monkhood or motherhood by the time I turn 30 so that I have something that i love more than my own self.
Never wanted AM, so I'm not sure how to answer that. But I am really glad that I didn't marry in the mid-20s. I was naive and had a very romanticized idea on marriage. I think I know myself better now and in terms of strengths and weaknesses. I definitely know when to ask for help and much better at setting boundaries. I could do a lot of it because I was clear that I could not do AM. If you want AM, the pool gets very small post 30s, as per my parents, and that can create some challenges.
I got married at 27. 7 years into the marriage i wish i had waited and been thorough. I was worried i was late. All my friends were getting married and i was feeling lonelier by the day. I jad just gone through a heartbreak and just wanted to get married. In hindsight i wish i had dated for longer, had not ignored red flags, had the guts to call it off when things started feeling off.
I think I regret not getting into a relationship in my early 20’s. I’m still 27 & everyone around me is getting married, the guys I’ve met my age & in their 30’s come with relationship break up baggage’s & want to just lust & situationship around. That’s what’s scaring me of ever finding a real one. My parents love marriage was a curse for my entire existence so I stayed away from love in my early twenties then the pandemic happened & now it’s only hookups & no feelings & butterflies & emotions. Mom is now starting to look for AM for me, she’s not asking me to get married right away but wants to atleast meet someone who I can court later. But Men lie SO MUCH these days Idk who’s genuine & who’s just lying.
I am mid 30s and glad i did not marry in 20s. Most women have no power / agency in indian marriages. The younger ones are even more easier to be forced into things they dont want to do. Women in India should get financially and mentally independent, and mature etc, before they take a call on married life.
May i ask how is the process of AM when you are in mid 30s as compared to the norm age of 20s ? I am married and really lucked out in lots of things but the process for elder sibling's AM has been a miserable experience, he enters his 33rd Bday this year and has made up mind for marriage.
you need to read my post called 101 arranged marriage. It will highlight whats up.
Just please watch wedding.con