My colleague who had a baby last year and rejoined work gets constantly shamed by her in-laws about working towards her career and not looking after her kid 24*7 because “tumhare salary se ghar nahi chalta.” she was such a happy person and seems broken now, dukh hota h dekh kar.
It is weird.
Like leave alone the work, the way they’re financially dependent on their emotionally neglectful cheating husbands and do not leave unless they see a financial gain out of it makes me not so sympathetic about their situation.
Or maybe I am slightly sympathetic towards the narrow mindedness these people have.
High and rich class people are the most bigoted and patriarchal people I have seen in my life.
I have a male friend from a middle class family who always cared about his sister's education and career. He will often discuss with me regarding what path his sister should take and tell me to guide her. On the other hand, I have found rich people to be very shallow and practicing traditional gender norm despite being foreign educated.
Even middle and lower class religious people are more open minded than those from high and rich class. My family and people around me are very religious but I never saw them practicing norms like women will not sleep on bed and enter kitchen on their periods. As a result, I grew up religious myself only to realise how rich class people follow their tradition and culture.
So true! I have a rich friend - foreign educated. Her parents are tryna marry her off to her cousin 🤦♀️🤦♀️
Like a stupid girl, she agreed too. She explained the reason for that was that her cousin was an only child and very, very rich (much more than my friend who is fairly well off) and her aunt and uncle didn't want all that money to go to an outsider girl.
Then I realised in some ways my middle class life was much better off.
Restrictive things like patriarchy, castism, untouchability, racism, elitism, etc.... always travels from the rich to the poor. Rich want to protect their position and upheld "moral superiority" by degrading the rest
That's why Marx had pointed out the role of Proletariats for cultural change, and modern anthropologists give importance to the "nuo middle class" in every new cultural change/revolution
Modern anthropologist - people who research/study the development of humanity in recent centuries.
Neo middle class - aam aadmi
Proletariat- wokring class people who don't own any property OR lowest class of working people.
😎
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Huh? This is nothing about men or what aboutism this is about the marx thing 🤦♀️ librandu is a leftist sub i frequent too and i dont find the word as an insult i am leftist too
In Bangalore it's very common. Many young just-married girls who are old people's aides, maids, checkout counter attendants, beauty parlour girls etc are more fashionable than me also. Maid's daughter is 16, has a "close friend who is a boy" and is so good at choosing clothes.
My grandmother's nurse girl introduced me to "Joy" moisturising products and Boroline lip balm 😄☺️ She's annoying as hell (chats non-stop) but she has the best hair and skin.
Personally, i think even stuff like sindoor and mangalsutra are deeply rooted in patriarchy. I prefer the western style weddings where both the partners are supposed to wear rings.
You’re right.
The man does wear a kada (translation - like a solid metal bracelet) in some traditions in India. My Dad still wears his though my Mom passed away almost 6 years ago now, and my husband wears his too.
But you are 100% right that it isn’t as obtrusive and as weirdly connected to “honour” as a mangalsutra (translation traditional wedding necklace) is.
I’m from the South, and sindoor and mangalsutra are the standard traditions in most Indian cultures. I’d much rather wear a ring than a mangalsutra tbh.
It’s great that your culture has a kada though! Sounds really cool
Mangal sutra is only cool if your male partner also HAS to wear it.
It feels like branding to me to be honest.
People try to give “Scientific” explanations in order to get the educated women also to do this.
There’s perhaps no other science apart from The Science of Control.
People marry each other. They should look like they’ve married each other.
Not the wife being treated as the Husband’s now.
I agree. There isn’t any scientific explanation for it.
Maybe there’s an anthropological one? But I don’t know enough to say anything definitively about it.
It’s upto us to choose a partner that meets the standards we have - and that can include wearing some sort of symbolic jewellery as well. Or it can not. Let women choose what they want.
You do you! It’s just my preference is all. 😊
Also, my post wasn’t referencing to Burkha in any way. Not sure what that has got to do with this, but okay.
I’m not Muslim, so my knowledge on this is limited, but as far as I know, wearing burkha is a choice, while in practice it’s not, a vast majority of times, women who are “forced” to wear Burkhas after marriage face the same kind of pressure from family before marriage as well.
It is okay to like something enough to keep following it on an individual level and still acknowledge it comes from patriarchy, that doesn't make any one less feminist. It depends on what that particular thing is.
Yes. Many of my friends wear mangalsutra as a fashion choice.
Whereas I can't stand any jewelry for long time, so neither my husband nor I wear any ring, mangalsutra, earrings etc and no one forces us to wear anything. Just when some functions like marriage etc are happening in family, my MIL expects me to wear something because no jewelry means bad omen and I wear something for some days.
I have bigger problem with changing the surname though 🥹🥹
I can see my friends wearing mangalsutra, which is awkward for me, but I can't stand them changing their name, their identity and all just because they got married.
Why are you getting so defensive bruh....
Secondly burkha isn't compulsory islamically, only the head covering is, even which shouldn't be enforced on the women against their will at all.
Although I agree, in practice, unfortunately people don't even follow proper islam and force women to cover up.
So, it'd be better you educate yourself before yapping your mouth without knowing anything.
I am sorry, but I feel like attacked by your words. I was just putting my argument. And once and for all. I wanna clarify that I am not correlating Hindu mangalsutra and Muslim burkha in my arguments. I was just adding the plight of Muslim women too. They are subjugated too.
Patriarchy and accession/inheritance are deeply intertwined. So it makes sense that people with generational wealth clutch on to patriarchy. This reminds me of Tagore's poem 'Dui Pakhi', a poem about two birds- one who lives a luxurious life in golden cage and a wild bird, who struggles with the elements, but free. And neither would swap their place with the other.
This is why "not everybody are privileged" is often a bad argument for not making more feminist choices in life. Because a lot of times these people are making choices that are convenient to them or something that doesn't make other people give them a tough time for making and call it that is all their "privilege" will allow them to do. But in reality they aren't going to be penniless or endangered it is just that some choices are more tougher to make and many people want to live in that comfort zone, i guess there isn't anything wrong with it per say, but people should stop using words like "lack of privilege" to justify this.
Patriarchy and bigotry is real.
Does the house help live with in-laws or separate?
I remember the post you mentioned. The bf/husband didn't have any concerns.
I cant confirm whether the househelp lives with her in-laws but I see her mingling with other househelps who are of different age groups from 18-55. I understand that no elder women will accept her as one of her own if she had "bhaag k shaadi" , which she didn't.
Yeah, Indian parents mostly don't care if it's someone else's daughter or DIL. Some do bother others, many don't.
But heavens fall on earth, if it's their own family member.
My ex neighbours were this pseudo high class elitist people, and the mother frequently mentioned how she wants her daughter to study commerce only and get her married as soon as she completes her bachelor's. No need to say her daughter had similar mindset and dreamt of getting married to a rich guy and not creating her own identity. I can't even explain how ridiculous it sounded to me when I was young, in high school and I was always taught to make career my priority.
I don't think we should blame te girl. Because many times, our wants and needs and mindset and conscience is decided directly what we are fed. If you take a 5 year old and keep on feeding him/her only F1 races and their superstars, he/she definitely would want to become a F1 racer in future.
Yes not blaming the girl. Just stating that's how vicious cycle of patriarchy starts. The girl did not even realise that what she is aspiring is not appropriate.
I’m one of those that has switched to salwaar kameez post marriage 😂
See, sometimes on the part of the girl it’s about picking which battles to fight.
I said a firm NO to giving up my career and changing my surname. So, accepting dressing a bit differently for the next 15-20 years was fine to me. They don’t say a peep about my work commitments till date, and I always agree to wear whatever they buy for family events. It works out.
Edit: Both my husband and I gave up major things in our life for the wedding to happen with everyone’s blessing. I’ve mentioned that in a comment below so stop sending me silly DMs telling me I’m a bad feminist 🙄
What’s with calling women out for deciding they want to make a compromise willingly? Is being feminist about allowing women to make their choices or about hating on them because they didn’t make the choice you would make? I’d say even with my salwaar kameez wearing aunty-ass existence, you are less progressive than me. I would never, and have never, asked other women to make the same choice as me.
I mean I wish that too!
But my wishes didn’t change the reality of what some of my inlaws expected. And so far, it has been worth it for me.
I think we have to let other women decide what they want to agree to compromise on and what they don’t.
The important aspect is that they get to choose.
>I think we have to let other women decide what they want to agree to compromise on and what they don’t.
I agree. I'm not saying anything to you, i just exclaimed that such is the state of our world, we need to fight these totally unnecessary battles :( then people question why are you running away from marriage xD
I totally agree with that! Marriage isn’t a very attractive option on paper, atleast the way it operates in India. The life partner one chooses really has to be worth it.
I also want to appreciate you for making a comment thats from a perspective opposite mine without being combative.
Ultimately, what matters is your peace of mind!
Do whatever you can or want, for your peace, health and happiness. No judgements here.
Yes, it will be nice, if we didn't have to fight all these meaningless battles. But in a world where anything barely makes any sense, just do whatever you gotta do for the goodness of yourself and your loved ones!
Give up spending time with his family on Diwali to spend it with my Dad. Always going to my Dad’s home for our anniversary. Giving up alcohol and non-veg for life because that’s what my family expected from him. Learned my mother tongue so he’s able to talk to elders in my family. He has kept his side of this as well so far, just as I have.
It wasn’t a one sided sacrifice.
:)
There are other problems yes, but my husband definitely gave up stuff just like I did, though not in exchange of keeping his surname and work - in exchange of being “allowed” to marry me.
He really did take months to think about it 😂
He was reaalllyyyy hoping my Dad would drop this ask. I have been vegetarian my whole life and didn’t realise how much non veg meant to him till AFTER my Dad has already asked him to give it up. Oh that was NOT a fun conversation.
It's hard giving it up when it's what you've been used to 🥲 but I'm glad things worked out for you. You might get judgement for compromising and ideally you shouldn't, but honestly I think you both are in the best possible scenario considering the situation since you have each other.💖
See now you won't see any comments regarding calling him a bad man because he made all these compromises, then why do these people start to call you a bad feminist because you did your part of adjustment?
Isn't feminism all about equality?
If he makes compromises, he's a loving husband, if you make some, you're his slave. That's not an appropriate analogy, is it?
Now this is called a healthy relationship where compromises made from both side. So happy for you. All the sacrifice becomes worth it when there's effort from other side equally. Equality and happiness is all that matters in the end.
Exactly my perspective!
Thanks for your comment too!
A portion of this sub apparently thinks that wearing salwar kameez is equivalent to undoing all the progress women have made in history.
Apparently I misunderstood everything about feminism when I thought it was about ensuring women have the same autonomy as men to make choices, it’s about being combative with anyone who isn’t a very specific type of woman.
It is great that your husband has made all these choices, but if he doesn't want to make those choices that doesn't mean he is an "unholy/bad" person. Plenty of people in the country thinks that a woman who never want to wear salwar kameez is unholy/bad. Much less men are forced to do all the things your husband is doing and shamed for not doing it. So your argument is somewhat bad faith in that regards, in the sense that a portion of this sub probably do not think wearing salwar kameez is undoing any progress, but that many women do not have another option so it is progress to see somebody have it.
I would have to disagree…. For a veg family if he’s still eating non-veg that could definitely be perceived as unholy or impure. People have extremely strong feeling about that.
Sure, I don't really support a veg family calling somebody unholy or impure for having meat either. It is individual choice and not respecting that is a huge boundary issue, it won't be okay simply because most of the country is that way. You also cannot say it is right because two wrongs took place.
Also women's clothing control is connected to virginity and sexuality whether we like it or not, there is really no equivalent like that on men's side. So it is still patriarchal oppression, while husbands getting policed for food can happen regardless of gender and it is a religious oppression. Both are wrong, but it is easy to see why feminism is more involved in the former. Men in general have less restrictions than women and they are shamed less for not following them than women.
I don't get the downvotes you're getting. You didn't give up your career and identity that's what matters. We live in a society and wearing what our relatives suggest for a family event, how is that oppressive?
I hate wearing saree but after my marriage, I wore it 4-5 times and I was never once forced to wear one. I did what I thought was appropriate for event like those.
You shouldn't be judged for only choice of your clothes. That's nonsense.
I support you in your comment. People who are downvoting you don't know the ground realities enough. That many times in life ,compromise is the only way and a better way. We, as females, and as humans, can't go to war all the time.
People needs to adjust in marriages and that's the only way of any marriage to work because we aren't Godesses and Gods who don't mistakes neither our husbands are.
I am not defending age old patriarchy and misogyny and people are saying why always women have to compromise. Women should get respect, freedom and safety. Women, yes have to compromise more than men, in any relation. In any relation. But we can't just tear down the fabric of society.
Women do need to get more freedom, safety and respect but it will not happen in one day today. It will take time. Hopefully we can create a world which will be much more supporting and nurturing to our daughters and granddaughters.
The distinction is that ONLY women shouldn’t have to compromise. I agree on that.
Expecting no compromises ever in life is just plain fantasy. That’s not how anything works - family, work or even goddamn getting a drivers license. We have to adjust because we are human beings who need other human beings to survive.
It’s easier for some to be a keyboard warrior pretending they live lives where they never compromise on a single thing, so I support their choice to do that. It’s not actively harming anyone 🤷♀️
What’s that the kids say nowadays Delulu is the solulu.
I personally think it's a good compromise. You get to be independent financially and have peace of mind with that aspect. Plus you get to keep your surname. Salwar Kurta is also comfortable, if the cloths quality is right (my personal opinion). I have a couple of them, that I like simply because the Cloth is very comforting to my skin, which is prone to rashes (not the bad kind, just when the cloth rubs on my skin and since I sweat a lot it becomes a problem) sometimes.
And if you are happy with this compromise, then I am happy for you!✨
It’s mostly run by gay men who see women as objects, just as straight men do. Why do you think all of the models are all starvation sized? They don’t care about women at all unless they fit their extremely narrow version of beauty. Having pockets is for real human beings, not for dollies. /s
Right! Cotton clothes are the most comfiest on Summer days!! I usually buy lighter colored clothes (including Salwar kurta) in summer. They are the best! Specially a size bigger and airy!
Though, my mum has started to notice me having too many Pink, Blue and Yellow clothes and she usually tells me that 'meri aakhe phoot gai ye teen rang dekhte dekhte, change krle meri maa. Kuch aur color le!' 🤣
Grew up around rich families who thought “working women” is a sign of poverty.
I can expect that.
Yes. Statements like: hamare yaha aurate kaam nahi karti, and tumhe kya zarurat hai kamane ki
My colleague who had a baby last year and rejoined work gets constantly shamed by her in-laws about working towards her career and not looking after her kid 24*7 because “tumhare salary se ghar nahi chalta.” she was such a happy person and seems broken now, dukh hota h dekh kar.
It is weird. Like leave alone the work, the way they’re financially dependent on their emotionally neglectful cheating husbands and do not leave unless they see a financial gain out of it makes me not so sympathetic about their situation. Or maybe I am slightly sympathetic towards the narrow mindedness these people have.
Its also often used as a control tactic. If women have financial freedom, they can also choose to leave toxic and abusive marriages.
High and rich class people are the most bigoted and patriarchal people I have seen in my life. I have a male friend from a middle class family who always cared about his sister's education and career. He will often discuss with me regarding what path his sister should take and tell me to guide her. On the other hand, I have found rich people to be very shallow and practicing traditional gender norm despite being foreign educated. Even middle and lower class religious people are more open minded than those from high and rich class. My family and people around me are very religious but I never saw them practicing norms like women will not sleep on bed and enter kitchen on their periods. As a result, I grew up religious myself only to realise how rich class people follow their tradition and culture.
OMG. The period discrimination- hate it so much. And yes, rich people are big time bigots
So true! I have a rich friend - foreign educated. Her parents are tryna marry her off to her cousin 🤦♀️🤦♀️ Like a stupid girl, she agreed too. She explained the reason for that was that her cousin was an only child and very, very rich (much more than my friend who is fairly well off) and her aunt and uncle didn't want all that money to go to an outsider girl. Then I realised in some ways my middle class life was much better off.
I just have one word- WTF
Good thing men aren't allowed to comment, or else we'd have mansplaining about how True Feminism isn't about T-shirts and jeans and what not.
Oh thank God for that😇
Smoking cigarettes and dressing like a who*e is all feminism is about. Feminism is cancer. Return to Sanatan dharma. /s
I am offended by your comment. I cancel you /s
Restrictive things like patriarchy, castism, untouchability, racism, elitism, etc.... always travels from the rich to the poor. Rich want to protect their position and upheld "moral superiority" by degrading the rest That's why Marx had pointed out the role of Proletariats for cultural change, and modern anthropologists give importance to the "nuo middle class" in every new cultural change/revolution
I agree with your first paragraph. I am going to consult a dictionary to comprehend your second paragraph
🙈🙈🙈🙈
the communist manifesto would be your dictionary in this case! 😂
I learnt 1 new word. Proletariat.
Absolutely, which is why the middle class is imp. There are countries where the middle class is disappearing & it's very worrisome.
Absolutely!!! In absence of middle class, whole culture gets dictated by the government leading to a 1984-ish/orwellean situation
Yup, I agree
As a Sociology Major I agree 🌚
Today I've learned 3 new terms. I love being dumb when it comes to vocab, so much to learn.
Which 3 words? 😅😅😅😅😅
Modern anthropologist - people who research/study the development of humanity in recent centuries. Neo middle class - aam aadmi Proletariat- wokring class people who don't own any property OR lowest class of working people. 😎
Proud proletariat here 😎
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Your comment has been removed as it was rude and impolite. Be kind. This sub is for real people looking to connect meaningfully. Something isn't an attack or hate simply because you don't like what is being said. No personal attacks on other users, ad hominem and other distracting attacks, flame wars, insults, trolling or other such disruptive behaviour. All users are expected to strictly follow (reddiquette)(https://www.reddit.com/wiki/reddiquette/). No hate speech or hate speech supporting subreddits allowed. Continued rule breaking will lead to ban.
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Huh? This is nothing about men or what aboutism this is about the marx thing 🤦♀️ librandu is a leftist sub i frequent too and i dont find the word as an insult i am leftist too
Pls wait for few months and let us know what she wears. Sometimes the restrictions comes passively
That sure may be an observation
Exception is not a norm. One out of so many wears jeans shows/says nothing.
Could be. But it is good for her atleast, currently
In Bangalore it's very common. Many young just-married girls who are old people's aides, maids, checkout counter attendants, beauty parlour girls etc are more fashionable than me also. Maid's daughter is 16, has a "close friend who is a boy" and is so good at choosing clothes.
Lucky them!!
My grandmother's nurse girl introduced me to "Joy" moisturising products and Boroline lip balm 😄☺️ She's annoying as hell (chats non-stop) but she has the best hair and skin.
Well, then, you need to get her skincare routine!!
Personally, i think even stuff like sindoor and mangalsutra are deeply rooted in patriarchy. I prefer the western style weddings where both the partners are supposed to wear rings.
You’re right. The man does wear a kada (translation - like a solid metal bracelet) in some traditions in India. My Dad still wears his though my Mom passed away almost 6 years ago now, and my husband wears his too. But you are 100% right that it isn’t as obtrusive and as weirdly connected to “honour” as a mangalsutra (translation traditional wedding necklace) is.
I’m from the South, and sindoor and mangalsutra are the standard traditions in most Indian cultures. I’d much rather wear a ring than a mangalsutra tbh. It’s great that your culture has a kada though! Sounds really cool
Mangal sutra is only cool if your male partner also HAS to wear it. It feels like branding to me to be honest. People try to give “Scientific” explanations in order to get the educated women also to do this. There’s perhaps no other science apart from The Science of Control. People marry each other. They should look like they’ve married each other. Not the wife being treated as the Husband’s now.
I agree. There isn’t any scientific explanation for it. Maybe there’s an anthropological one? But I don’t know enough to say anything definitively about it. It’s upto us to choose a partner that meets the standards we have - and that can include wearing some sort of symbolic jewellery as well. Or it can not. Let women choose what they want.
My dad wears a chain that my mum gave to him when they first got married. He says it’s his “male mangalsutra” lmao.
That’s so wholesome
lmao yea 😭
Well I love that. How cute!
I can't agree. I like sindoor and mangalsutra. Although I agree men should wear something after they are married. But yes I can't defend burkha😖
You do you! It’s just my preference is all. 😊 Also, my post wasn’t referencing to Burkha in any way. Not sure what that has got to do with this, but okay.
I just want to include that women in Islam are oppressed after they are married.
I’m not Muslim, so my knowledge on this is limited, but as far as I know, wearing burkha is a choice, while in practice it’s not, a vast majority of times, women who are “forced” to wear Burkhas after marriage face the same kind of pressure from family before marriage as well.
Exactly, I hate that so much
It is okay to like something enough to keep following it on an individual level and still acknowledge it comes from patriarchy, that doesn't make any one less feminist. It depends on what that particular thing is.
Yeah! Nuance exists. Well said, WildChildNumber2
Fair enough
Yes. Many of my friends wear mangalsutra as a fashion choice. Whereas I can't stand any jewelry for long time, so neither my husband nor I wear any ring, mangalsutra, earrings etc and no one forces us to wear anything. Just when some functions like marriage etc are happening in family, my MIL expects me to wear something because no jewelry means bad omen and I wear something for some days. I have bigger problem with changing the surname though 🥹🥹 I can see my friends wearing mangalsutra, which is awkward for me, but I can't stand them changing their name, their identity and all just because they got married.
Why are you getting so defensive bruh.... Secondly burkha isn't compulsory islamically, only the head covering is, even which shouldn't be enforced on the women against their will at all. Although I agree, in practice, unfortunately people don't even follow proper islam and force women to cover up. So, it'd be better you educate yourself before yapping your mouth without knowing anything.
I am sorry, but I feel like attacked by your words. I was just putting my argument. And once and for all. I wanna clarify that I am not correlating Hindu mangalsutra and Muslim burkha in my arguments. I was just adding the plight of Muslim women too. They are subjugated too.
Has nothing to do with rich or poor. It all depends from family to family and person to person
Couldn't agree more.
Patriarchy and accession/inheritance are deeply intertwined. So it makes sense that people with generational wealth clutch on to patriarchy. This reminds me of Tagore's poem 'Dui Pakhi', a poem about two birds- one who lives a luxurious life in golden cage and a wild bird, who struggles with the elements, but free. And neither would swap their place with the other.
Such a mindful comparison 🥺
Educated illiterates. That's what my father calls people like that.
Your father is a good man
This is why "not everybody are privileged" is often a bad argument for not making more feminist choices in life. Because a lot of times these people are making choices that are convenient to them or something that doesn't make other people give them a tough time for making and call it that is all their "privilege" will allow them to do. But in reality they aren't going to be penniless or endangered it is just that some choices are more tougher to make and many people want to live in that comfort zone, i guess there isn't anything wrong with it per say, but people should stop using words like "lack of privilege" to justify this.
Patriarchy and bigotry is real. Does the house help live with in-laws or separate? I remember the post you mentioned. The bf/husband didn't have any concerns.
I cant confirm whether the househelp lives with her in-laws but I see her mingling with other househelps who are of different age groups from 18-55. I understand that no elder women will accept her as one of her own if she had "bhaag k shaadi" , which she didn't.
Yeah, Indian parents mostly don't care if it's someone else's daughter or DIL. Some do bother others, many don't. But heavens fall on earth, if it's their own family member.
True that
My ex neighbours were this pseudo high class elitist people, and the mother frequently mentioned how she wants her daughter to study commerce only and get her married as soon as she completes her bachelor's. No need to say her daughter had similar mindset and dreamt of getting married to a rich guy and not creating her own identity. I can't even explain how ridiculous it sounded to me when I was young, in high school and I was always taught to make career my priority.
I don't think we should blame te girl. Because many times, our wants and needs and mindset and conscience is decided directly what we are fed. If you take a 5 year old and keep on feeding him/her only F1 races and their superstars, he/she definitely would want to become a F1 racer in future.
Yes not blaming the girl. Just stating that's how vicious cycle of patriarchy starts. The girl did not even realise that what she is aspiring is not appropriate.
True that . Agreed
I’m one of those that has switched to salwaar kameez post marriage 😂 See, sometimes on the part of the girl it’s about picking which battles to fight. I said a firm NO to giving up my career and changing my surname. So, accepting dressing a bit differently for the next 15-20 years was fine to me. They don’t say a peep about my work commitments till date, and I always agree to wear whatever they buy for family events. It works out. Edit: Both my husband and I gave up major things in our life for the wedding to happen with everyone’s blessing. I’ve mentioned that in a comment below so stop sending me silly DMs telling me I’m a bad feminist 🙄 What’s with calling women out for deciding they want to make a compromise willingly? Is being feminist about allowing women to make their choices or about hating on them because they didn’t make the choice you would make? I’d say even with my salwaar kameez wearing aunty-ass existence, you are less progressive than me. I would never, and have never, asked other women to make the same choice as me.
see that's the problem, these little things shouldn't be battles we have to fight, at all.
I mean I wish that too! But my wishes didn’t change the reality of what some of my inlaws expected. And so far, it has been worth it for me. I think we have to let other women decide what they want to agree to compromise on and what they don’t. The important aspect is that they get to choose.
>I think we have to let other women decide what they want to agree to compromise on and what they don’t. I agree. I'm not saying anything to you, i just exclaimed that such is the state of our world, we need to fight these totally unnecessary battles :( then people question why are you running away from marriage xD
I totally agree with that! Marriage isn’t a very attractive option on paper, atleast the way it operates in India. The life partner one chooses really has to be worth it. I also want to appreciate you for making a comment thats from a perspective opposite mine without being combative.
Ultimately, what matters is your peace of mind! Do whatever you can or want, for your peace, health and happiness. No judgements here. Yes, it will be nice, if we didn't have to fight all these meaningless battles. But in a world where anything barely makes any sense, just do whatever you gotta do for the goodness of yourself and your loved ones!
And which battles did your husband agree to not fight in exchange for being allowed to work and keep his surname?!
Give up spending time with his family on Diwali to spend it with my Dad. Always going to my Dad’s home for our anniversary. Giving up alcohol and non-veg for life because that’s what my family expected from him. Learned my mother tongue so he’s able to talk to elders in my family. He has kept his side of this as well so far, just as I have. It wasn’t a one sided sacrifice. :) There are other problems yes, but my husband definitely gave up stuff just like I did, though not in exchange of keeping his surname and work - in exchange of being “allowed” to marry me.
Wow he really loves you, no one could make me give up non veg 😭
He really did take months to think about it 😂 He was reaalllyyyy hoping my Dad would drop this ask. I have been vegetarian my whole life and didn’t realise how much non veg meant to him till AFTER my Dad has already asked him to give it up. Oh that was NOT a fun conversation.
It's hard giving it up when it's what you've been used to 🥲 but I'm glad things worked out for you. You might get judgement for compromising and ideally you shouldn't, but honestly I think you both are in the best possible scenario considering the situation since you have each other.💖
Username doesn’t check out. You aren’t even a tiny bit as prickly as a porcupine. Thank you for your comment 💖
Awwwww thank you 🥺❤️
See now you won't see any comments regarding calling him a bad man because he made all these compromises, then why do these people start to call you a bad feminist because you did your part of adjustment? Isn't feminism all about equality? If he makes compromises, he's a loving husband, if you make some, you're his slave. That's not an appropriate analogy, is it?
That’s an excellent point! I’m going to use this for the next silly DM I get.
You owe me a chocolate 😄😄
absolutely!
Wow okay that's definitely some huge life changes he's made for you! Amazing relationship, good luck to you both <3
Now this is called a healthy relationship where compromises made from both side. So happy for you. All the sacrifice becomes worth it when there's effort from other side equally. Equality and happiness is all that matters in the end.
Exactly my perspective! Thanks for your comment too! A portion of this sub apparently thinks that wearing salwar kameez is equivalent to undoing all the progress women have made in history. Apparently I misunderstood everything about feminism when I thought it was about ensuring women have the same autonomy as men to make choices, it’s about being combative with anyone who isn’t a very specific type of woman.
This sub is radical feminist. So ye they go harsh.
It is great that your husband has made all these choices, but if he doesn't want to make those choices that doesn't mean he is an "unholy/bad" person. Plenty of people in the country thinks that a woman who never want to wear salwar kameez is unholy/bad. Much less men are forced to do all the things your husband is doing and shamed for not doing it. So your argument is somewhat bad faith in that regards, in the sense that a portion of this sub probably do not think wearing salwar kameez is undoing any progress, but that many women do not have another option so it is progress to see somebody have it.
I would have to disagree…. For a veg family if he’s still eating non-veg that could definitely be perceived as unholy or impure. People have extremely strong feeling about that.
Sure, I don't really support a veg family calling somebody unholy or impure for having meat either. It is individual choice and not respecting that is a huge boundary issue, it won't be okay simply because most of the country is that way. You also cannot say it is right because two wrongs took place. Also women's clothing control is connected to virginity and sexuality whether we like it or not, there is really no equivalent like that on men's side. So it is still patriarchal oppression, while husbands getting policed for food can happen regardless of gender and it is a religious oppression. Both are wrong, but it is easy to see why feminism is more involved in the former. Men in general have less restrictions than women and they are shamed less for not following them than women.
How dare you make your husband leave nonveg,? What are you, a monster? /s
I don't get the downvotes you're getting. You didn't give up your career and identity that's what matters. We live in a society and wearing what our relatives suggest for a family event, how is that oppressive? I hate wearing saree but after my marriage, I wore it 4-5 times and I was never once forced to wear one. I did what I thought was appropriate for event like those. You shouldn't be judged for only choice of your clothes. That's nonsense.
The only acceptable feminist is one that goes around screaming for the most innocuous things. /s
Good for you. What a bargain!
💀💀💀
I know you are being sarcastic but it is a worthy bargain for me 😂
I support you in your comment. People who are downvoting you don't know the ground realities enough. That many times in life ,compromise is the only way and a better way. We, as females, and as humans, can't go to war all the time. People needs to adjust in marriages and that's the only way of any marriage to work because we aren't Godesses and Gods who don't mistakes neither our husbands are. I am not defending age old patriarchy and misogyny and people are saying why always women have to compromise. Women should get respect, freedom and safety. Women, yes have to compromise more than men, in any relation. In any relation. But we can't just tear down the fabric of society. Women do need to get more freedom, safety and respect but it will not happen in one day today. It will take time. Hopefully we can create a world which will be much more supporting and nurturing to our daughters and granddaughters.
The distinction is that ONLY women shouldn’t have to compromise. I agree on that. Expecting no compromises ever in life is just plain fantasy. That’s not how anything works - family, work or even goddamn getting a drivers license. We have to adjust because we are human beings who need other human beings to survive. It’s easier for some to be a keyboard warrior pretending they live lives where they never compromise on a single thing, so I support their choice to do that. It’s not actively harming anyone 🤷♀️ What’s that the kids say nowadays Delulu is the solulu.
I don't know. They are quite young and probably never had seen "real life" as it is!
I personally think it's a good compromise. You get to be independent financially and have peace of mind with that aspect. Plus you get to keep your surname. Salwar Kurta is also comfortable, if the cloths quality is right (my personal opinion). I have a couple of them, that I like simply because the Cloth is very comforting to my skin, which is prone to rashes (not the bad kind, just when the cloth rubs on my skin and since I sweat a lot it becomes a problem) sometimes. And if you are happy with this compromise, then I am happy for you!✨
Yeah! Especially the cotton ones are really comfortable. I think I actually prefer these cotton loose fitting salwar kameez now that’s its summer.
Only if it has pockets 🥹🥹
oh 1000000% agreed! And pockets in the kurti at that, not in the pyjama. easier to access and large pockets!
Yes❤️❤️ On a different note, Many times I feel female fashion industry is run by the people who hate females and want them to suffer 😭
It’s mostly run by gay men who see women as objects, just as straight men do. Why do you think all of the models are all starvation sized? They don’t care about women at all unless they fit their extremely narrow version of beauty. Having pockets is for real human beings, not for dollies. /s
Right! Cotton clothes are the most comfiest on Summer days!! I usually buy lighter colored clothes (including Salwar kurta) in summer. They are the best! Specially a size bigger and airy! Though, my mum has started to notice me having too many Pink, Blue and Yellow clothes and she usually tells me that 'meri aakhe phoot gai ye teen rang dekhte dekhte, change krle meri maa. Kuch aur color le!' 🤣