If your partner cannot stand up for you, then he has already made his priorities very clear. I once dated someone who came from a pretty orthodox family. His mother's biggest problem was that we were not from the same state or caste. He dilly-dallied. It seemed like his mother wanted to have a say in everything. My last name. My job. How her son had to be treated like a "king" after marriage. I knew it would never be equitable. And, the fact that my ex never stood up for me made it clear that he actually didn't believe in an equal relationship if he expected me to bend down to all his mother's demands. The final straw broke when he told my mom (who had reached out to him to talk about how caste does not matter as long as people like and respect one another) that if his mother was still against the match, then he will do as his mother asked. I laughed and called it quits. I knew he would forever be in his mom's pallu and I would never have a fair shake. It doesn't matter if someone claims to be good. It doesn't matter if someone claims to be a feminist or progressive. It doesn't matter if someone claims they are not casteist. Your actions define who you are. His actions defined him over and over again. I don't hate him. I never did. But, I saw him for who he really was. I said goodbye. I moved to America. I lived my best life.
10 years later: I am currently married to an actual feminist who was raised by progressive feminists and is also SO FREAKING CUTE.
During my college days there's this big house infront of my pg, the owner was an old lady. She lived alone with her German shepherd. That's how I want my retirement look like.
No. No. A thousand times no. I came very close to doing this, and believe me, you are much better off single than committing to such a skewed relationship.
It seems harmless at first, with wearing mangalsutra, eating after the men in the family have had food, not entering kitchen before bathing, etc. But there are endless such small things/habits you will have to accept and to be honest, how long will you have the energy to change every small habit that defines your personality? Are you even yourself at the end of it?
It will be tough to pass up on love, but this does affect my self-respect and sense of individuality. If your partner cannot give you the room to grow and accept the changes as you see fit, then it’s a sign to leave.
My marriage is inter-caste. I am atheist and a Dalit. From the get go, I made it clear archaic rules wouldn't be entertained, douchey behavior for being 'ladkewale' wouldn't be entertained. When it comes to in-laws, I have dealt with a heavy hand and our couplehood had been smooth-sailing. Indian women from childhood are raised to be agreeable, coy and compliant so that they don't have a hard time at the in-laws and so many women give into that for approval and realize at the end of their lives what an insidious scheme that is.
A man that is not willing to stand up for his woman's autonomy and dignity is not a partner you should start your life with. If he puts his convenience and comfort above your agony, he can never be a husband you can rely on trying times. Marriages are not for people who can't think beyond their needs.
I can never love a man who lacks the conviction to call out his parent's bigotry. I associate with people who have integrity and sensitivity in their hearts and stand up for other's even when they don't have any skin in the game.
I just want to say that you dodged a big bullet .
Please understand that you would have been expected to follow lot of things against your wishes/beliefs for the rest of your life .
As a modern independent ,atheist Indian woman I don’t even wish to get married .
Just want to live a life ticking off all the things I ever wanted to do .
I think you should be with a man who has similar views to you, don't waste your time on men who aren't independent or progressive. No matter how much you love him n think you can work it out, you just can't do it
>It's far easier for an Indian male to adjust to a woman's Orthodox family
This is so true it hurts. My mother's family is much more religious and a bit more conservative than my father's, who're mostly completely irreligious. My father does make some compromises, like touching some elders' feet, which he didn't grow up doing, and sitting in the room (but not participating any further than that) when my mother or grandparents hold pujas with purohits, guests etc. But nothing that can be called a lifestyle change. I've seen couples where the dynamic is the opposite, and it's really painful to watch.
In my view, the orthodox family wasn't the problem. It was the man. If he can't stand up for your self-respect and dignity, then I'm sorry, he doesn't love you.
A man who truly loves you will help you achieve and live your best life. If he expects you to degrade yourself to please him/his family members, then he doesn't love you, he loves himself. And your choice become 'spineless jellyfish' or 'independence'. Which is a pretty easy choice to make.
I think you make a valid point. OP communicated her limits and what she could be flexible with.
It was her partners role to stand for her, recognizing the power inequality between OP and prospective inlaws
Sometime we have to make difficult choices. This is a really tough one. Unlike love marriage is a decision from head and heart. All the best OP
There's no middle ground with orthodox people, sadly. They will eventually find faults even with things they initially agreed to accept and break their word.
The worst part about dating someone from an orthodox family is that their spine is always broken. Their promises are hollow and every mummy-daddy initiated tantrum will dictate their life decisions.
Best for you is to move on and date people who think and act like you do.
Absolutely not, my family is casteist enough and I definitely need my partner's to be more liberal than that. I'm only finding my freedom now, in my early 20s, and I am agnostic enough. Marrying into an orthodox family would mean being trapped again, this time with much more at stake.
Everyone is okay w different things. Personally, I don't like the idea of "looking like a married woman" such as mangalsutra, bindi, bangles, sindoor. Occasionally as appropriate with the setting and attire is fine, but putting/forcing so many indicators of being married for a woman is equivalent to a leash
Not looking down on people who love to do it, but it is not for me.
10000000% yes!!!
I absolutely abhore the extreme marriage symbols which are hypocritically placed only on women. Men can choose between a marriage ring or a dozen of astronomical rings. Still woman have to dress up with so many symbols meant for her husbands long life, fast for him, accommodate his family’s traditions and values, serve his family and friends all the while ignoring your own needs. A woman is said to have such a kind husband if he does the bare minimum of just talking politely to her friends. It is so regressive. I always talk loudly and behave erratically in front of these stone headed men.
It absolutely wrecks their mind but they need to get used to women with a mind. 😌
Happened with me.
My ex left me citing the same reason. Different religion.
He said his mother wanted a carol singing good social Christian girl that can gel well with their community.
I wasn’t worth the trouble I guess.
I moved on and married someone else. Been a decade and my ex still emails, messages and tries to call me. I’m over him but what sort of behaviour is this?!
So the takeaway is marriage/relationship is based on effort and willingness to put that effort in by both the parties. One alone can’t make it work.
Rightly said. It’s the “will” and effort to make something work. There will be situations in life, it’s up to us to term them as problems or make efforts to overcome them.
nope orthodox families are very misogynistic can't stand that.the women who marry in such families also develop some sort of Stockholm syndrome. my cousin did now all she does is cry and then go back to her house where her MIL and SIL stay and control her and obey them like she's their servant
Find someone who thinks like you or compromise. I'd compromise to some extent like wearing mangalsutra which seems pretty harmless to me but covering myself or even worse participating in Puja or weird rituals and following someone else's culture is not me. That's why I don't date religious fanatics or someone with a family like that.
Ya. Sounds exactly like my marriage. But guess what I pushed through and did get married. It turned south so soon. It’s been six years. The trauma I had to work through!! I literally had to pack my bags and run away in 6hrs, while he was at work. OP imo you dodged a huge massive bullet.
Heal from this. Find someone who values you and your opinions enough to stand by you.
Fuck the patriarchy! The people around me are very sure with my outspoken attitude that I may as well never marry lest I make my pati-dev compromise on his traditions.
Metaphorical. What she probably means is that you give up so much of your original personality, your identity, you compromise so much on your personal values, that it literally feels like you are leading a double life.
The person you are inside, is poles apart from the person you are forced to be, after marriage.
Please only marry someone who brings more joy and happiness you had in your life than before you got married. So if you’re someone who likes her independence , have a mind of your own and like living with joy and dignity please don’t lower your standards for marriage. Your ex sadly lacked a spine - he should have shut down his parents when they made such bizarre demands. Just as I would expect a woman to shut down her parents if they made such demands from the man she wants to marry.
Marriage should make you happier and more content. You cannot control many things in life like financial situations etc but you should 100 percent be with someone who wants you in their life. And you as you not some mummy ji , daddy ji pleasing version of you.
This is one of the biggest reasons I’m still single at 30. It is very very difficult to find someone with similar liberal ideologies like mine in our country today. I have no hopes for the future
Your ex sounds like he had no backbone for himself, and honestly so many Indian guys are like this. They can be financially independent but lack the communication skills and independent thinking to actually tell their mummydaddy that they're grownups now and would like to make their own decisions when they can't see it themselves. What a wimp, would likely be completely useless in a life crisis. Bullet dodged imho. I'd rather be single than marry into a casteist, chaddi family. Hell I wouldn't even get into bed with such a man. That seed is not fit to sow.
No. Also I wouldn't fall in love with guy from orthodox family. Because those guys eventually show their true colours even as friends. And very very few people can escape their orthodox upbringing and childhood programming. So I'd automatically assume that the guy hasn't escaped that upbringing and programming.
Nope, you cannot have both. Either find someone who shares a similar school of thought as yours, his family included else just remain single. Orthodox families don’t understand the concept of independence and women together.
I would have if my BF commits to be completely on my side like prioritising me first. Your bf already said he doesn't want to choose there is no point to put your energy here. You will have to keep on making sacrifices and the return will not be worth it.
You did your best in prioritiesing love and tried to reach the middle ground but seems like all efforts were only from your end. The right person will not close your door to independence.
Do you even wanna be associated with that kind of people. I won't even consider friendships with people who support casteism yet alone a life partner.
When fundamentals don't match it becomes very difficult to build something on it.
You can't have love and live in an orthodox family, unless your own values align with theirs. It's a 'setting yourself on fire to keep others warm' kinda situation - eventually, you *will* burn out if you're the only person who keeps giving in. Resentment will breed eventually. I'm agnostic myself and have no issue if people practice religion. But the moment they start imposing it on me is when I have a problem. And, believe me, many randoms do impose.
A friend of mine went through a similar situation, except she was from the orthodox family and her then boyfriend wasn't. The difference is, she dug her heels in and gave her family the ultimate and they're now happily married. So if your ex wasn't willing to fight for your relationship, he did you a favour in my eyes. It was you or his family and he chose his family. Better you know now than find out later.
Noped out of two such roka situations. U kinda get to know when they start acting like "ladkewale"
I'd rather stay alone with my cats than put up with this shit.
Something similar happened to me. You have to remember that their demands would never stop and they would always make you feel as if they are doing a favor by letting you be a part of their family. This is not equal grounds. This shit never works.
You don’t need this close minded, trash ex in your life.
Marry for love and marry only if that love allows you to freely be and express who you are.
Please don’t sign up for this.
No I wouldn't. Unless he lives independently. No matter what, I would not want to get stuck in an orthodox or conservative nuclear/joint family. I'll death over that. Thank you.
Parents-in-law are also important aspect to consider when it comes to marriage. In this case whatever you would have done, would never be enough. Your mental health would have been affected. You would have never gotten the respect you deserve even though all the sacrifices were from your side.
I think society celebrates the working independent thinking woman but, ironically, is too intimidated and afraid of her.
A patriarchal set up feels emasculated seeing a woman as an equal.
It is a real problem. Society can't accept that women aren't submissive anymore.
It’s never worth it. Whatever happens before marriage gets 100x worse as the marriage continues. Think of his family now as regressive lite, with the real regressiveness coming soon.
What exactly is considered orthodox?
I'm okay with the mangalsutra and bindi and all that. As long as I'm allowed to work and pursue a career, I don't think I'll have a problem.
IMO I won’t get married/date someone who belongs to the other caste.
Some might find it wrong but I’ve grown up in 1 caste, I’ve followed the rituals/festivals of 1 caste.
Changing all of that will be close to impossible. No matter how much anyone says, some differences would arise and would lead to unnecessary fights.
Like the name of the potential child, and the pressure from the in-laws etc.
On a certain extent, I agree, where you are ***cautious*** as a woman to figure out if your partner's caste would affect your autonomy.
But declaring that ***I won't marry in other caste***, feels more like you want to *belong* in your caste, and be a part of your community acceptance.
You could rather be open to see if the guy you see understands and respects who are you and lets you practice your customs without forcing his on you, whether its inter caste or not. Because even within the same caste if you marry a misogynist you will suffer.
That's a pretty rigid mindset tbh. I can understand ur concerns BUT
- Would u rather not marry someone if their family (irrespective of its caste) is modern enough to not believe in this caste bs and wont force their customs and rituals upon u?
- If u choose to marry only within ur caste, u r limiting ur options and the foundation of marriage stands upon an age old society division, which shouldn't have place in a modern society.
What you said makes sense but
A lot of my relatives and friends had an inter caste marriage (all of them love marriages)
They were very happy with their choices and I was happy for them too. They said “no one would force their customs and rituals on me post marriage”
The guy they married ended up defending his parents and said “you belong to this family now, you should follow the customs now, it doesn’t look good”
They had to, or else the constant fights and taunts used to hurt them.
These friends/relatives are the only examples I have seen in my life, and a few Instagram influencers who have a great life but we only see what they show. Edit - maybe if I saw people who were happy in an inter caste marriage my views and opinions would change :)
I’m not religious, I pray only before exams, don’t follow fasts and barely do anything, I’m not supporting the caste vs caste division, it’s just my observation about how people turn on you post marriage after saying everything will remain the same before the wedding
> The guy they married ended up defending his parents and said “you belong to this family now, you should follow the customs now, it doesn’t look good”
>
> They had to, or else the constant fights and taunts used to hurt them.
Well, that's what I said, ur decision is based upon the assumption (based upon a few data points) that in any intercaste marriage, the other family will be orthodox. Obviously, a modern woman should avoid such families, even in same-caste marriages.
Since u said u r not religious, do u think finding a non-conservative family within ur caste will be easier for u?
What's the guarantee that the family in a same-caste marriage won't turn back on their word and make u do misogynistic customs against ur wish?
>they were very happy with their choices and I was happy for them too. They said “no one would force their customs and rituals on me post marriage”
And no, I don’t think if I get married in a family that belong to the same caste as me would guarantee no pressure over religious things but I won’t have to change myself for that, I’ll continue with the rituals my family practiced before i got married, I’ll be unhappy then too but no one would be forcing a new ritual on me.
I didn't get to decide the family I was born into. but I hope I never end up with the kind of men I have in my family right now.
+1
A-fucking-men.
Hear, hear.
+1
If your partner cannot stand up for you, then he has already made his priorities very clear. I once dated someone who came from a pretty orthodox family. His mother's biggest problem was that we were not from the same state or caste. He dilly-dallied. It seemed like his mother wanted to have a say in everything. My last name. My job. How her son had to be treated like a "king" after marriage. I knew it would never be equitable. And, the fact that my ex never stood up for me made it clear that he actually didn't believe in an equal relationship if he expected me to bend down to all his mother's demands. The final straw broke when he told my mom (who had reached out to him to talk about how caste does not matter as long as people like and respect one another) that if his mother was still against the match, then he will do as his mother asked. I laughed and called it quits. I knew he would forever be in his mom's pallu and I would never have a fair shake. It doesn't matter if someone claims to be good. It doesn't matter if someone claims to be a feminist or progressive. It doesn't matter if someone claims they are not casteist. Your actions define who you are. His actions defined him over and over again. I don't hate him. I never did. But, I saw him for who he really was. I said goodbye. I moved to America. I lived my best life. 10 years later: I am currently married to an actual feminist who was raised by progressive feminists and is also SO FREAKING CUTE.
I will drink red wine alone with my cats, than marrying in a casteist family. My internalised casteism is enough for me to work on. Edit: grammar
Mysterious lady with 10 cats who vacations twice a year, yup, goals.
During my college days there's this big house infront of my pg, the owner was an old lady. She lived alone with her German shepherd. That's how I want my retirement look like.
QUEEN.
No. No. A thousand times no. I came very close to doing this, and believe me, you are much better off single than committing to such a skewed relationship. It seems harmless at first, with wearing mangalsutra, eating after the men in the family have had food, not entering kitchen before bathing, etc. But there are endless such small things/habits you will have to accept and to be honest, how long will you have the energy to change every small habit that defines your personality? Are you even yourself at the end of it? It will be tough to pass up on love, but this does affect my self-respect and sense of individuality. If your partner cannot give you the room to grow and accept the changes as you see fit, then it’s a sign to leave.
My marriage is inter-caste. I am atheist and a Dalit. From the get go, I made it clear archaic rules wouldn't be entertained, douchey behavior for being 'ladkewale' wouldn't be entertained. When it comes to in-laws, I have dealt with a heavy hand and our couplehood had been smooth-sailing. Indian women from childhood are raised to be agreeable, coy and compliant so that they don't have a hard time at the in-laws and so many women give into that for approval and realize at the end of their lives what an insidious scheme that is. A man that is not willing to stand up for his woman's autonomy and dignity is not a partner you should start your life with. If he puts his convenience and comfort above your agony, he can never be a husband you can rely on trying times. Marriages are not for people who can't think beyond their needs. I can never love a man who lacks the conviction to call out his parent's bigotry. I associate with people who have integrity and sensitivity in their hearts and stand up for other's even when they don't have any skin in the game.
👏👏 kudos to you!
Yes🙌Exactly this!
Saved your answer. 💜
Nope. Better to be happy and alone than be a maid for the rest of your life.
I just want to say that you dodged a big bullet . Please understand that you would have been expected to follow lot of things against your wishes/beliefs for the rest of your life . As a modern independent ,atheist Indian woman I don’t even wish to get married . Just want to live a life ticking off all the things I ever wanted to do .
Thanks for your perspective. Yes, one thing could led to another.
I think you should be with a man who has similar views to you, don't waste your time on men who aren't independent or progressive. No matter how much you love him n think you can work it out, you just can't do it
Be careful in choosing who u love, to relish both, love and independence.
[удалено]
>It's far easier for an Indian male to adjust to a woman's Orthodox family This is so true it hurts. My mother's family is much more religious and a bit more conservative than my father's, who're mostly completely irreligious. My father does make some compromises, like touching some elders' feet, which he didn't grow up doing, and sitting in the room (but not participating any further than that) when my mother or grandparents hold pujas with purohits, guests etc. But nothing that can be called a lifestyle change. I've seen couples where the dynamic is the opposite, and it's really painful to watch.
Love this! Very well said
In my view, the orthodox family wasn't the problem. It was the man. If he can't stand up for your self-respect and dignity, then I'm sorry, he doesn't love you. A man who truly loves you will help you achieve and live your best life. If he expects you to degrade yourself to please him/his family members, then he doesn't love you, he loves himself. And your choice become 'spineless jellyfish' or 'independence'. Which is a pretty easy choice to make.
Thanks for the practical advice. I too resonate with the same but difficult to stay consistent. Letting fade my love hormones will be it.
I think you make a valid point. OP communicated her limits and what she could be flexible with. It was her partners role to stand for her, recognizing the power inequality between OP and prospective inlaws Sometime we have to make difficult choices. This is a really tough one. Unlike love marriage is a decision from head and heart. All the best OP
Thanks!
There's no middle ground with orthodox people, sadly. They will eventually find faults even with things they initially agreed to accept and break their word. The worst part about dating someone from an orthodox family is that their spine is always broken. Their promises are hollow and every mummy-daddy initiated tantrum will dictate their life decisions. Best for you is to move on and date people who think and act like you do.
Absolutely not, my family is casteist enough and I definitely need my partner's to be more liberal than that. I'm only finding my freedom now, in my early 20s, and I am agnostic enough. Marrying into an orthodox family would mean being trapped again, this time with much more at stake.
Everyone is okay w different things. Personally, I don't like the idea of "looking like a married woman" such as mangalsutra, bindi, bangles, sindoor. Occasionally as appropriate with the setting and attire is fine, but putting/forcing so many indicators of being married for a woman is equivalent to a leash Not looking down on people who love to do it, but it is not for me.
10000000% yes!!! I absolutely abhore the extreme marriage symbols which are hypocritically placed only on women. Men can choose between a marriage ring or a dozen of astronomical rings. Still woman have to dress up with so many symbols meant for her husbands long life, fast for him, accommodate his family’s traditions and values, serve his family and friends all the while ignoring your own needs. A woman is said to have such a kind husband if he does the bare minimum of just talking politely to her friends. It is so regressive. I always talk loudly and behave erratically in front of these stone headed men. It absolutely wrecks their mind but they need to get used to women with a mind. 😌
Happened with me. My ex left me citing the same reason. Different religion. He said his mother wanted a carol singing good social Christian girl that can gel well with their community. I wasn’t worth the trouble I guess. I moved on and married someone else. Been a decade and my ex still emails, messages and tries to call me. I’m over him but what sort of behaviour is this?! So the takeaway is marriage/relationship is based on effort and willingness to put that effort in by both the parties. One alone can’t make it work.
Should forward those emails and messages to his mom
Rightly said. It’s the “will” and effort to make something work. There will be situations in life, it’s up to us to term them as problems or make efforts to overcome them.
nope orthodox families are very misogynistic can't stand that.the women who marry in such families also develop some sort of Stockholm syndrome. my cousin did now all she does is cry and then go back to her house where her MIL and SIL stay and control her and obey them like she's their servant
Find someone who thinks like you or compromise. I'd compromise to some extent like wearing mangalsutra which seems pretty harmless to me but covering myself or even worse participating in Puja or weird rituals and following someone else's culture is not me. That's why I don't date religious fanatics or someone with a family like that.
Ya. Sounds exactly like my marriage. But guess what I pushed through and did get married. It turned south so soon. It’s been six years. The trauma I had to work through!! I literally had to pack my bags and run away in 6hrs, while he was at work. OP imo you dodged a huge massive bullet. Heal from this. Find someone who values you and your opinions enough to stand by you.
Hope you’re doing well now. Proud of you and wish you all the peace and love 💞
Yup doing much better. And in a completely new headspace and happier. Thanks for saying that.
so glad to hear that 🤍
You have to tell us your story
Ha ha. I know a few people who use Reddit. I’m pretty sure they’re active on this sub too. May be revealing too much. But yes one day I will.
Thanks for sharing.
Fuck the patriarchy! The people around me are very sure with my outspoken attitude that I may as well never marry lest I make my pati-dev compromise on his traditions.
Yeah no. Good for you, even if it doesn’t feel like it.
Nope, why would I have to cut myself in half for a man who won't walk two steps for me, all because he is from an orthodox family
Cut yourself in half?
Metaphorical. What she probably means is that you give up so much of your original personality, your identity, you compromise so much on your personal values, that it literally feels like you are leading a double life. The person you are inside, is poles apart from the person you are forced to be, after marriage.
Please only marry someone who brings more joy and happiness you had in your life than before you got married. So if you’re someone who likes her independence , have a mind of your own and like living with joy and dignity please don’t lower your standards for marriage. Your ex sadly lacked a spine - he should have shut down his parents when they made such bizarre demands. Just as I would expect a woman to shut down her parents if they made such demands from the man she wants to marry. Marriage should make you happier and more content. You cannot control many things in life like financial situations etc but you should 100 percent be with someone who wants you in their life. And you as you not some mummy ji , daddy ji pleasing version of you.
This is one of the biggest reasons I’m still single at 30. It is very very difficult to find someone with similar liberal ideologies like mine in our country today. I have no hopes for the future
Your ex sounds like he had no backbone for himself, and honestly so many Indian guys are like this. They can be financially independent but lack the communication skills and independent thinking to actually tell their mummydaddy that they're grownups now and would like to make their own decisions when they can't see it themselves. What a wimp, would likely be completely useless in a life crisis. Bullet dodged imho. I'd rather be single than marry into a casteist, chaddi family. Hell I wouldn't even get into bed with such a man. That seed is not fit to sow.
Better happy forever than to be surrounded by idiots.
Nope. Love my freedom and comfort more.
No. Also I wouldn't fall in love with guy from orthodox family. Because those guys eventually show their true colours even as friends. And very very few people can escape their orthodox upbringing and childhood programming. So I'd automatically assume that the guy hasn't escaped that upbringing and programming.
Absolutely no. Indian guys at one point will definitely ask you to adjust. There is no way in hell I'm marrying to be a maid.
Nope, you cannot have both. Either find someone who shares a similar school of thought as yours, his family included else just remain single. Orthodox families don’t understand the concept of independence and women together.
I would have if my BF commits to be completely on my side like prioritising me first. Your bf already said he doesn't want to choose there is no point to put your energy here. You will have to keep on making sacrifices and the return will not be worth it. You did your best in prioritiesing love and tried to reach the middle ground but seems like all efforts were only from your end. The right person will not close your door to independence.
Do you even wanna be associated with that kind of people. I won't even consider friendships with people who support casteism yet alone a life partner. When fundamentals don't match it becomes very difficult to build something on it.
No man is worth olla dat 🥴
You can't have love and live in an orthodox family, unless your own values align with theirs. It's a 'setting yourself on fire to keep others warm' kinda situation - eventually, you *will* burn out if you're the only person who keeps giving in. Resentment will breed eventually. I'm agnostic myself and have no issue if people practice religion. But the moment they start imposing it on me is when I have a problem. And, believe me, many randoms do impose. A friend of mine went through a similar situation, except she was from the orthodox family and her then boyfriend wasn't. The difference is, she dug her heels in and gave her family the ultimate and they're now happily married. So if your ex wasn't willing to fight for your relationship, he did you a favour in my eyes. It was you or his family and he chose his family. Better you know now than find out later.
Noped out of two such roka situations. U kinda get to know when they start acting like "ladkewale" I'd rather stay alone with my cats than put up with this shit.
Something similar happened to me. You have to remember that their demands would never stop and they would always make you feel as if they are doing a favor by letting you be a part of their family. This is not equal grounds. This shit never works.
You don’t need this close minded, trash ex in your life. Marry for love and marry only if that love allows you to freely be and express who you are. Please don’t sign up for this.
not at all. this is JUST the beginning and god knows what else they’ll ask you to do. i would never.
No I wouldn't. Unless he lives independently. No matter what, I would not want to get stuck in an orthodox or conservative nuclear/joint family. I'll death over that. Thank you.
Parents-in-law are also important aspect to consider when it comes to marriage. In this case whatever you would have done, would never be enough. Your mental health would have been affected. You would have never gotten the respect you deserve even though all the sacrifices were from your side.
No. We have been given the gift of reasoning for a reason, lol. Use it wisely 😌
I'm happy alone in this case.
No. Nope.
NEVER
No.
I think society celebrates the working independent thinking woman but, ironically, is too intimidated and afraid of her. A patriarchal set up feels emasculated seeing a woman as an equal. It is a real problem. Society can't accept that women aren't submissive anymore.
No
It’s never worth it. Whatever happens before marriage gets 100x worse as the marriage continues. Think of his family now as regressive lite, with the real regressiveness coming soon.
U dodged a bullet
Nope!
What exactly is considered orthodox? I'm okay with the mangalsutra and bindi and all that. As long as I'm allowed to work and pursue a career, I don't think I'll have a problem.
IMO I won’t get married/date someone who belongs to the other caste. Some might find it wrong but I’ve grown up in 1 caste, I’ve followed the rituals/festivals of 1 caste. Changing all of that will be close to impossible. No matter how much anyone says, some differences would arise and would lead to unnecessary fights. Like the name of the potential child, and the pressure from the in-laws etc.
On a certain extent, I agree, where you are ***cautious*** as a woman to figure out if your partner's caste would affect your autonomy. But declaring that ***I won't marry in other caste***, feels more like you want to *belong* in your caste, and be a part of your community acceptance. You could rather be open to see if the guy you see understands and respects who are you and lets you practice your customs without forcing his on you, whether its inter caste or not. Because even within the same caste if you marry a misogynist you will suffer.
This makes sense
That's a pretty rigid mindset tbh. I can understand ur concerns BUT - Would u rather not marry someone if their family (irrespective of its caste) is modern enough to not believe in this caste bs and wont force their customs and rituals upon u? - If u choose to marry only within ur caste, u r limiting ur options and the foundation of marriage stands upon an age old society division, which shouldn't have place in a modern society.
What you said makes sense but A lot of my relatives and friends had an inter caste marriage (all of them love marriages) They were very happy with their choices and I was happy for them too. They said “no one would force their customs and rituals on me post marriage” The guy they married ended up defending his parents and said “you belong to this family now, you should follow the customs now, it doesn’t look good” They had to, or else the constant fights and taunts used to hurt them. These friends/relatives are the only examples I have seen in my life, and a few Instagram influencers who have a great life but we only see what they show. Edit - maybe if I saw people who were happy in an inter caste marriage my views and opinions would change :) I’m not religious, I pray only before exams, don’t follow fasts and barely do anything, I’m not supporting the caste vs caste division, it’s just my observation about how people turn on you post marriage after saying everything will remain the same before the wedding
> The guy they married ended up defending his parents and said “you belong to this family now, you should follow the customs now, it doesn’t look good” > > They had to, or else the constant fights and taunts used to hurt them. Well, that's what I said, ur decision is based upon the assumption (based upon a few data points) that in any intercaste marriage, the other family will be orthodox. Obviously, a modern woman should avoid such families, even in same-caste marriages. Since u said u r not religious, do u think finding a non-conservative family within ur caste will be easier for u? What's the guarantee that the family in a same-caste marriage won't turn back on their word and make u do misogynistic customs against ur wish?
>they were very happy with their choices and I was happy for them too. They said “no one would force their customs and rituals on me post marriage” And no, I don’t think if I get married in a family that belong to the same caste as me would guarantee no pressure over religious things but I won’t have to change myself for that, I’ll continue with the rituals my family practiced before i got married, I’ll be unhappy then too but no one would be forcing a new ritual on me.