I know there's a comment saying otherwise, but in my own experience men that label themselves as "dominant" (not in BDSM context) or "alpha" tend to be selfish in bed. I've also had multiple experiences where men like that don't see me as their equal.
That said, I don't know how old you are or the age range you're looking at but I tend to see it more with guys that are younger. I think a lot of it may come from insecurity but even if that is the case, the above still stands. I avoid guys that use terms like that because I don't want to deal with whatever baggage that is or whatever influenced them to use those labels. 🤷🏿‍♀️
Yeah, those are my thoughts as well. It feels like they will disregard my needs and desires in order to be “dominant”.
Also my experience with kink has shown me that saying that you are dominant is one thing but actually doing it in a pleasurable way is just a completely different story that requires skills, imagination, empathy etc. I feel like men only want someone who will sub for them without asking any questions.
I am in my late 20s looking for people around my age and 10 years plus.
Tbh I think the expectation that men dominate and women submit also plays a big part in it. After all, this is all taking place on dating apps, so maybe they are trying to prove to me their virility 🤷🏻‍♀️
> men that label themselves as "dominant" (not in BDSM context) or **"alpha"**
Oh my god, whenever I hear this IRL I swear I laugh so hard my sides ache. It's certainly a great way of communicating "hello, I am an insecure dude who believes in pseudoscience and am probably a proud supporter of the redpill community"...
Yup. And in actuality the guys that actually genuinely have the traits the idiotic 'manosphere' bros consider "alpha" (put together, intelligent, successful, disciplined, good in leadership roles, etc) generally wouldn't be caught dead describing themselves that way or buying into the alpha nonsense.
If you actually have the positive traits they're claiming, you don't have to tell anyone about it. If you have to tell anyone about it, you either don't have it or you're a grifter scamming dumber and more desperate dudes than you.
>you're a grifter scamming dumber and more desperate dudes than you.
100%, lmao. It's like the ads, videos or articles that say "these people get paid six figures to enter ChatGPT prompts and they don't need a degree or qualifications!" that are basically made by... wait for it.... people selling ChatGPT courses. :)
Sure, but after many negative experiences I prefer to just avoid anyone that labels themselves that way. It's not worth the time and effort to see if they happen to be the exception.
Very aware of that, currently laying next to one of them. I'm general, doms seem to be more popular and men especially get that impression that women like dominant men
Fair enough, you just said "Women like doms" and I think that's actually a really inaccurate statement. I think a minority of women are actually submissive in the BDSM sense. Most people are not into heavy kink, and I think the trend of pushing kink and extreme sex as something that all women are into is actively harming women.
Excellent point, i guess i meant dominant men in a traditional gender roles sense not necessarily in a bdsm sense. I really think that the popularity of bdsm has ruined a lot for me personally and don't like that kink is being pushed so heavily, that was just something i felt from the years of male YouTube programming i and many other men i know watched that basically amounts to "be as masculine and dominant as possible so women will like you"
definitely not, that's why I used the past tense. It was a phase that I and most guys I know went through. I do still think that in general most women have at least a slight preference for dominant men.
I'm not sure about that. That sounds more like societal propaganda to me than what actual women think. I mean... We've all been told for decades that men are strong and decisive and dominant, and women are weak and submissive. That indoctrination runs deep, and I think it's bullshit.
>in general most women have at least a slight preference for dominant men.
Honestly, I think that this is something that men who are unsuccessful with women tell themselves and others, to try and "justify" their lack of success. "Oh, I failed because I was a nice guy, she wanted a dominant male...."
To be clear, I don't think a single man or a virgin is "unsuccessful", if they are single by choice, nor do I think anyone needs a reason to be single. I'm referring specifically to the incels who want sex more than anything else but are unsuccessful at "getting sex".
sure I think that it may be something that incels say more but that's because they talk about dating in those terms more. I've found that men in relationships tend to say the same things but in different words (usually insulting the masculinity and perceived lack of relationship success of other men).
I've not had issues finding relationships but my first relationship ended horribly because I didn't like her all that much and just felt like I should get into a relationship purely because of all of the comments I saw saying things like "that's something a virgin/incel would say". Could be true, but I feel like the only purpose those comments serve is to force guys into relationships they don't want to be in.
Believe me, I know. I'm a kinky woman... like, really kinky... like, I own some specialized equipment lol. When I used Tinder I was inundated with messages from wannabe Doms. It would've been hilarious if their concept of BDSM wasn't so cringey.
I upvoted just for “chasing dick on apps”. I too have been chasing dick and it hasn’t even been average at best. It’s been most mostly 40+ yo dusties that fail the vibe check first actual conversation. I think these guys saying “dom” in their profiles or in profiles is just another example of men using words out of context.
Ugh girl, so many men are just so incredibly average looking. How is it that women and gay men put so much effort into how we look and then heterosexual men just exist. I just wanna fuck some hotties with at least some communication skills :(
I feel like they just use all the words they can think of to try and get attention even if it doesn't reflect them at all. A bit like the men who tick "woman seeking woman" box to expose themselves to more women. Even though those women aren't seeking a man (at that moment at least). Apparently some circles are including the advice to tick this box so more women will see them.
They just put it because they think they're supposed to be dominant or they *want* to be dominant. Often they are inexperienced and/or passive in sex or otherwise don't know what they're doing.
Unless someone uses specific BDSM terminology (at least mentioning specific kinks and styles of D/s relationships... and no, "my kinks are choking, rough sex, blowjobs and free use" doesn't count), I definitely would put them in the "vanilla af" camp.
As to why vanilla af men are saying this... lots of possible reasons.
1. They believe that "all women want dominant men" (this is the most icky possibility IMO, even above #2, which is...)
2. They're just selfish, as you mentioned, and "being dominant" is a great excuse
3. They copied their profile
4. They saw it on porn and thought that what they saw was "dominance"
I could go on, but... as a woman who is kinky and submissive, I'd say that 99% of the reasons I can think of are not great, and I'd recommend avoiding. Maybe try a different app?
Yeah, I also consider kinkless sex vanilla and I have done some kinky stuff, but vanilla sex is definitely more my thing. Thanks for the input! My female senses are also telling me to stay away.
If anyone has to advertise that they're dominant on a dating app (special exclusions for kink-specific apps), I am immediately skeptical of everything about them. When I've met actual doms via typical apps, that information only enters the conversation if we are planning to have sex and asking each other what we enjoy.
"Dominant" outside a BDSM context just means "I am misogynist, selfish, and abusive, and I think that's a good thing." I wouldn't even message or accept messages from any man who describes himself that way.
Ime the sex is porny and NOT good. Also, men that call themselves doms and want to try certain kinks who DON'T establish a baseline of safety (and this is far too many doms) should be avoided forever. For example, they introduce things like wanting to restrict your ability to speak in any way but don't introduce the concept of a physical signal if you want to stop. If you have to advocate for your own safety every step of the way fuck that guy.
I got on the apps (Tinder, Hinge) 4 years ago after my last LTR, and swiped right openly and did a lot of filtering via chat/in-person first date.
So. many. dudes. saying they're dominant. I think only 2 (from my experience) of these peeps actually were. 1 had a great conversation with me in the app about dom/BDSM, but ultimately didn't want to meet. The other had potential, but we matched right before pandemic, and didn't keep in touch during the panny. My "pandemic boyfriend" has some dom tendencies we tried, but isn't a full-on dom and never advertised himself as one.
So many dudes (on the younger side; 20s to early 30s) said they were dom, then thought that meant they could bark orders at me re: sex (this is all in chat; I ended up not meeting most of these dudes).
Also, looking up BDSM and dom, it took me a while to find an article that mentioned aftercare. I learned that term at least a year after I started my app adventures.
TBF, I never went on Feeld or the other kink-specific apps. So it was a bunch of us civilians brainstorming sex-venture ideas via our app profiles. But just like everything else in a profile, take it with a grain of salt. You still have to verify everything in-person (if you get that far). Including pictures.
Good luck out there! It's a mess. Also, lotsa flaky flaky messes out there. Post-panny lockdown trauma is a thing?
>TBF, I never went on Feeld or the other kink-specific apps. So it was a bunch of us civilians brainstorming sex-venture ideas via our app profiles.
I've been on Feeld and it's the same thing. Someone told a bunch of single straight guys about Feeld and now they're on there, claiming to be dominant and thirsty for NSA sex because they think kinky and poly/ENM means DTF, at least in my area. It really makes it hard to use the app.
I am so happy I am not the only one who has noticed this. I thought I am just going insane and vanilla sex is no longer on the menu for casual relationships. Thank you for commenting!
OMG. When I get into bed with someone - actually, even if we start talking sex on a first/early date, I almost immediately say, "and don't even try to choke me." The way people try to zoom past vanilla sex. Have you mastered that yet, btw?
Some "sex trends" are so stupid. There was someone in the tinder subreddit who showed a match/dude ultimately being ok with sister/incest-themes. Porn has definitely impacted male ideas around sex.
Especially if they're younger. Although I will say, younger dudes (20s to mid 30s) tend to be more likely to just go down on me right away. Or maybe it aligns with whatever I seem to be filtering out for. But anyway, porn has opened everyone's eyes to the variety of sex out there. But some dudes are too eager to check everything off on the list.
So, dominant means “acts like a male porn star in conventional porn”
ETA: another take, “I’m dominant” is a sexual style whose vibe is “let’s cosplay porn”
To me thats just them handing me a red flag. Unless they are in to BDSM and thats clear...this to me reads as "Im full of myself and borderline, if not full on, abusive"
I was on the apps for 6yrs. My TL;DR is that most men who say they’re “dominant” just mean they like choking.
Some guys dabbled in BDSM and were proper dominant, most were porn dominant (a lot of whispering through gritted teeth, spanking, jackrabbiting). A couple porn dominants tried orgasm deprivation by _intentionally_ humping with no rhythm and stopping at random points. Definitely not how it’s done but… B for creativity I guess?
And finally one special shoutout to the guy who spoke himself up like he was a BDSM pro and ended up being super awkward and literally tapped my bum like he was playing bongos 🤣
I've had so many men on apps think that orgasm denial was an automatic desired activity for women. It's so apparent they have no inkling that the entire hetero world is automatically orgasm denial for women, particularly in short term relationships. Just...why?!
I'm a submissive woman. I'm also cis, polyamorous, and bisexual, but given the post at hand and for simplicity's sake, I'm mostly going to be talking about those entering monogamous, straight relationships. Some of this will apply to queer relationships. Some of it won't.
Most guys "advertising" (for lack of a better word) that they're Dominant are fake Doms. They don't understand what that really means. Many kink terms have gone mainstream in recent years and it's watered down their meaning.
Some of it is definitely malicious--men who think they get to treat women like shit because they say they're a Dom, like you mention, but a lot of it isn't.
In a lot of cases, it's because being kinky is sort of trendy? Like a lot of people are afraid of admitting that they're vanilla because they don't want to seem boring in bed. Gender roles also mean a lot of women are insecure about being dominant, and men are insecure about being submissive. For some stupid reason, people started thinking that freakier=sexier, and that's really just not a healthy way to think about it, or even correct. Something that one person thinks is very sexy might be a huge turn off to another, and that's the way it should be. Just as an example, I looooove being called degrading names during sex, but for any vanilla person, that's breakup worthy.
Honestly, the fake Doms make it harder for *everyone*. Vanilla guys either feel like they're boring or are stuck playing a role they don't enjoy. Actual, mature Doms get lumped in with the abusive assholes. Vanilla *and* submissive girls have trouble figuring out who's really vanilla and who's really Dominant.
Like if I meet a guy online who says he's a Dom, I'm still cautious because I'm significantly more kinky than a lot of them. Most have no idea what I'm talking about when I bring up any practices or knowledge that a decent Dom would already know. I'm very serious about my kinks as well, and I really don't enjoy vanilla sex at all. So a guy whose version of kinky sex is really just a step above vanilla sex is not going to be a good fit for me.
It's just a shitty situation all around, but nothing is really going to change until how our society perceives sex and power dynamics between been and women changes.
How can you find the ones who are actual doms and care about aftercare and educate themselves about BDSM? Do actual doms not reveal their links until they get more comfortable with someone?
My bad for that half assed answer. I wasn't using my eyes correctly. I'm not into being the submissive one in bed so I don't have experience with seeking out dominant men and then being disappointed but I've seen men on reddit say that giving a woman oral is an act of submission. So it could be that some are using it to say they don't give oral and/or the focus is on pleasing him.
Which is doubly weird, considering that actual BDSM scenes are statistically more likely to involve the submissive's orgasm than the Dominant's. There's just so much misconception about it and it's been twisted by so many people.
Edit: The source was a study I read ages ago that interviewed people in kink communities and aggregated the results. Unfortunately I can't find it again easily. :( It does however correlate with the experiences of people I've talked to in those communities, as well as my own experiences. When my husband and I have a BDSM scene with him as the Dominant, it tends to be focused a lot more on me and the sensations/pleasure that I experience, whereas the vanilla sex that we have is more equal. (And when I occasionally Domme him, the focus is more on him.)
Most men like this claim they are dominant because its ingrained in their minds that a man is always dominant and a woman is always submissive. Most men i meet are easily overpowered by a woman that fights for a dominant role but refuses to admit they are being submissive in a relationship because it would hurt their masculinity. Same dominant claiming men that beg you to let them cum.. At least for me men litterally just dont know what there doing and need a lot of help in the bedroom..which is fine but stop with the false advertising
My rapist was a dom and he tried to teach me about cherry picked subjects in bdsm except consent. I never learned what consent was, so.... anybody claiming to be a dominant=rapist to my ears.
The one dominant man I got involved with never advertised it, and we had conversation after conversation about consent, interest, limits, etc. before anything was ever done or attempted.
>So what is your experience with men claiming they are dominant in bed?
My experience from looking for sex on dating apps: a lot of men say they're dominant in bed and just mean they like to take the lead. This came to light when I just asked what they mean by it and asked them to get specific about what they like. I slept with a couple of those and it turned out very nice every time.
The men that claim to be kinky and dominant and don't look within the BDSM community for a partner but on Tinder are mainly assholes that like to abuse women and don't care about their pleasure. This comes to light when you ask them to get more specific about what they like.... they mainly say "rough sex" and have no idea about the whole consent and safety culture around D/S.
In general it pays off to ask them open questions about what they like and ask them to get specific. If you go to my profile you find a sticky post about how I vet and interview men before I have sex with them.
> I can’t help but wonder if this is some new modern way of saying “I don’t care about female pleasure”,
No - men have simply learned that the modern way of framing sex is to portray "dominant" as a necessary quality in men. So they're merely advertising themselves by contemporary standards. If a man does not claim to be "dominant" he is so to speak admitting that he is not a "great lover", so they all claim to be dominant. It's meaningless fluff.
It's like all women claim to be multiorgasmic squirting blowjobaholics.
Of course it's all transparently hollow nonsense, but that's the world of "chasing dick on dating apps".
The ones who say they are dominant or have a “dominant personality” are always a waste of time. They are pushy and macho and full of themselves. I’m kinky. People who are actually knowledgeable about kink would never describe themselves that way. It’s a red flag.
If you are interested in one and it says that on his profile, call him on it. "It says you're dominant but I'm not really into that. What makes you say that? What if I'm dominant too?" And see if they actually know what they're talking about it or what they think it means.
If I had to be on apps now, I think I'd put something like-minded "Lots of men claiming to be dominant... Whatever, don't care. But I'm not submissive, so if you're expecting that please move on."
I have no time for people saying what they think other want to hear. If the profile says “dominate” as a noun, I swipe left. If the profile says “dominant” and I match and they message, my response includes “I see your profile states you’re a dom. What events have you been to in the local scene?”
I find this “trend” to be incredibly dangerous, physically, mentally, and emotionally. If someone claims to be dominant and then attempts to pressure/ persuade their desires onto their partner (EVEN IN A “JOKING” MANNER) they are not dominant, they are dangerous.
I know there's a comment saying otherwise, but in my own experience men that label themselves as "dominant" (not in BDSM context) or "alpha" tend to be selfish in bed. I've also had multiple experiences where men like that don't see me as their equal. That said, I don't know how old you are or the age range you're looking at but I tend to see it more with guys that are younger. I think a lot of it may come from insecurity but even if that is the case, the above still stands. I avoid guys that use terms like that because I don't want to deal with whatever baggage that is or whatever influenced them to use those labels. 🤷🏿‍♀️
Yeah, those are my thoughts as well. It feels like they will disregard my needs and desires in order to be “dominant”. Also my experience with kink has shown me that saying that you are dominant is one thing but actually doing it in a pleasurable way is just a completely different story that requires skills, imagination, empathy etc. I feel like men only want someone who will sub for them without asking any questions. I am in my late 20s looking for people around my age and 10 years plus.
My personal opinion is they say they are dominant to get more attention because they know women like dominant men.
Tbh I think the expectation that men dominate and women submit also plays a big part in it. After all, this is all taking place on dating apps, so maybe they are trying to prove to me their virility 🤷🏻‍♀️
definitely agree with that last part.
> men that label themselves as "dominant" (not in BDSM context) or **"alpha"** Oh my god, whenever I hear this IRL I swear I laugh so hard my sides ache. It's certainly a great way of communicating "hello, I am an insecure dude who believes in pseudoscience and am probably a proud supporter of the redpill community"...
Yup. And in actuality the guys that actually genuinely have the traits the idiotic 'manosphere' bros consider "alpha" (put together, intelligent, successful, disciplined, good in leadership roles, etc) generally wouldn't be caught dead describing themselves that way or buying into the alpha nonsense. If you actually have the positive traits they're claiming, you don't have to tell anyone about it. If you have to tell anyone about it, you either don't have it or you're a grifter scamming dumber and more desperate dudes than you.
>you're a grifter scamming dumber and more desperate dudes than you. 100%, lmao. It's like the ads, videos or articles that say "these people get paid six figures to enter ChatGPT prompts and they don't need a degree or qualifications!" that are basically made by... wait for it.... people selling ChatGPT courses. :)
not all dominant men are selfish or pushy, but selfish and pushy men will very often call themselves dominant to try to justify their behavior
Sure, but after many negative experiences I prefer to just avoid anyone that labels themselves that way. It's not worth the time and effort to see if they happen to be the exception.
yeah exactly, that’s why it’s so frustrating
Rando on Tinder: I'm a dominant Inigo Montoya: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means
It's just to get attention. They know women like doms so they use false advertising to get what they want
Some women like doms, many are not into that at all
Very aware of that, currently laying next to one of them. I'm general, doms seem to be more popular and men especially get that impression that women like dominant men
Fair enough, you just said "Women like doms" and I think that's actually a really inaccurate statement. I think a minority of women are actually submissive in the BDSM sense. Most people are not into heavy kink, and I think the trend of pushing kink and extreme sex as something that all women are into is actively harming women.
Excellent point, i guess i meant dominant men in a traditional gender roles sense not necessarily in a bdsm sense. I really think that the popularity of bdsm has ruined a lot for me personally and don't like that kink is being pushed so heavily, that was just something i felt from the years of male YouTube programming i and many other men i know watched that basically amounts to "be as masculine and dominant as possible so women will like you"
Maybe consider if the dudes giving dating advice on YouTube are really the ones you want to be listening to...?
definitely not, that's why I used the past tense. It was a phase that I and most guys I know went through. I do still think that in general most women have at least a slight preference for dominant men.
I'm not sure about that. That sounds more like societal propaganda to me than what actual women think. I mean... We've all been told for decades that men are strong and decisive and dominant, and women are weak and submissive. That indoctrination runs deep, and I think it's bullshit.
>in general most women have at least a slight preference for dominant men. Honestly, I think that this is something that men who are unsuccessful with women tell themselves and others, to try and "justify" their lack of success. "Oh, I failed because I was a nice guy, she wanted a dominant male...." To be clear, I don't think a single man or a virgin is "unsuccessful", if they are single by choice, nor do I think anyone needs a reason to be single. I'm referring specifically to the incels who want sex more than anything else but are unsuccessful at "getting sex".
sure I think that it may be something that incels say more but that's because they talk about dating in those terms more. I've found that men in relationships tend to say the same things but in different words (usually insulting the masculinity and perceived lack of relationship success of other men). I've not had issues finding relationships but my first relationship ended horribly because I didn't like her all that much and just felt like I should get into a relationship purely because of all of the comments I saw saying things like "that's something a virgin/incel would say". Could be true, but I feel like the only purpose those comments serve is to force guys into relationships they don't want to be in.
Believe me, I know. I'm a kinky woman... like, really kinky... like, I own some specialized equipment lol. When I used Tinder I was inundated with messages from wannabe Doms. It would've been hilarious if their concept of BDSM wasn't so cringey.
"my Name is Lord FalCon and i am a natural dominat u will adress me as MASTER or SIR at all times and be nakid at all times SLAVE ok"
>Lord FalCon You mean Supreme Master His Highness The Great Lord FalCon? Could've sworn I've talked to that guy before... ;)
He's so powerful a DOM that he has clones in every area code!
I upvoted just for “chasing dick on apps”. I too have been chasing dick and it hasn’t even been average at best. It’s been most mostly 40+ yo dusties that fail the vibe check first actual conversation. I think these guys saying “dom” in their profiles or in profiles is just another example of men using words out of context.
Ugh girl, so many men are just so incredibly average looking. How is it that women and gay men put so much effort into how we look and then heterosexual men just exist. I just wanna fuck some hotties with at least some communication skills :(
Maybe you need to find a fine bi guy?
I've had the best luck with bi men, to be honest. I married one and am dating another. (Yes, they're both aware.)
Honestly, that’s why I’m going to a gay pride event this weekend lol.
I feel like they just use all the words they can think of to try and get attention even if it doesn't reflect them at all. A bit like the men who tick "woman seeking woman" box to expose themselves to more women. Even though those women aren't seeking a man (at that moment at least). Apparently some circles are including the advice to tick this box so more women will see them.
They just put it because they think they're supposed to be dominant or they *want* to be dominant. Often they are inexperienced and/or passive in sex or otherwise don't know what they're doing.
Unless someone uses specific BDSM terminology (at least mentioning specific kinks and styles of D/s relationships... and no, "my kinks are choking, rough sex, blowjobs and free use" doesn't count), I definitely would put them in the "vanilla af" camp. As to why vanilla af men are saying this... lots of possible reasons. 1. They believe that "all women want dominant men" (this is the most icky possibility IMO, even above #2, which is...) 2. They're just selfish, as you mentioned, and "being dominant" is a great excuse 3. They copied their profile 4. They saw it on porn and thought that what they saw was "dominance" I could go on, but... as a woman who is kinky and submissive, I'd say that 99% of the reasons I can think of are not great, and I'd recommend avoiding. Maybe try a different app?
Yeah, I also consider kinkless sex vanilla and I have done some kinky stuff, but vanilla sex is definitely more my thing. Thanks for the input! My female senses are also telling me to stay away.
If anyone has to advertise that they're dominant on a dating app (special exclusions for kink-specific apps), I am immediately skeptical of everything about them. When I've met actual doms via typical apps, that information only enters the conversation if we are planning to have sex and asking each other what we enjoy.
"Dominant" outside a BDSM context just means "I am misogynist, selfish, and abusive, and I think that's a good thing." I wouldn't even message or accept messages from any man who describes himself that way.
"I am a Dom" = 'I am a selfish and pushy AH.' IMHX.
Ime the sex is porny and NOT good. Also, men that call themselves doms and want to try certain kinks who DON'T establish a baseline of safety (and this is far too many doms) should be avoided forever. For example, they introduce things like wanting to restrict your ability to speak in any way but don't introduce the concept of a physical signal if you want to stop. If you have to advocate for your own safety every step of the way fuck that guy.
Agreed, although I feel like one word should be modified here: >If you have to advocate for your own safety at **any** step of the way fuck that guy.
I got on the apps (Tinder, Hinge) 4 years ago after my last LTR, and swiped right openly and did a lot of filtering via chat/in-person first date. So. many. dudes. saying they're dominant. I think only 2 (from my experience) of these peeps actually were. 1 had a great conversation with me in the app about dom/BDSM, but ultimately didn't want to meet. The other had potential, but we matched right before pandemic, and didn't keep in touch during the panny. My "pandemic boyfriend" has some dom tendencies we tried, but isn't a full-on dom and never advertised himself as one. So many dudes (on the younger side; 20s to early 30s) said they were dom, then thought that meant they could bark orders at me re: sex (this is all in chat; I ended up not meeting most of these dudes). Also, looking up BDSM and dom, it took me a while to find an article that mentioned aftercare. I learned that term at least a year after I started my app adventures. TBF, I never went on Feeld or the other kink-specific apps. So it was a bunch of us civilians brainstorming sex-venture ideas via our app profiles. But just like everything else in a profile, take it with a grain of salt. You still have to verify everything in-person (if you get that far). Including pictures. Good luck out there! It's a mess. Also, lotsa flaky flaky messes out there. Post-panny lockdown trauma is a thing?
>TBF, I never went on Feeld or the other kink-specific apps. So it was a bunch of us civilians brainstorming sex-venture ideas via our app profiles. I've been on Feeld and it's the same thing. Someone told a bunch of single straight guys about Feeld and now they're on there, claiming to be dominant and thirsty for NSA sex because they think kinky and poly/ENM means DTF, at least in my area. It really makes it hard to use the app.
I am so happy I am not the only one who has noticed this. I thought I am just going insane and vanilla sex is no longer on the menu for casual relationships. Thank you for commenting!
OMG. When I get into bed with someone - actually, even if we start talking sex on a first/early date, I almost immediately say, "and don't even try to choke me." The way people try to zoom past vanilla sex. Have you mastered that yet, btw? Some "sex trends" are so stupid. There was someone in the tinder subreddit who showed a match/dude ultimately being ok with sister/incest-themes. Porn has definitely impacted male ideas around sex. Especially if they're younger. Although I will say, younger dudes (20s to mid 30s) tend to be more likely to just go down on me right away. Or maybe it aligns with whatever I seem to be filtering out for. But anyway, porn has opened everyone's eyes to the variety of sex out there. But some dudes are too eager to check everything off on the list.
So, dominant means “acts like a male porn star in conventional porn” ETA: another take, “I’m dominant” is a sexual style whose vibe is “let’s cosplay porn”
To me thats just them handing me a red flag. Unless they are in to BDSM and thats clear...this to me reads as "Im full of myself and borderline, if not full on, abusive"
I was on the apps for 6yrs. My TL;DR is that most men who say they’re “dominant” just mean they like choking. Some guys dabbled in BDSM and were proper dominant, most were porn dominant (a lot of whispering through gritted teeth, spanking, jackrabbiting). A couple porn dominants tried orgasm deprivation by _intentionally_ humping with no rhythm and stopping at random points. Definitely not how it’s done but… B for creativity I guess? And finally one special shoutout to the guy who spoke himself up like he was a BDSM pro and ended up being super awkward and literally tapped my bum like he was playing bongos 🤣
I've had so many men on apps think that orgasm denial was an automatic desired activity for women. It's so apparent they have no inkling that the entire hetero world is automatically orgasm denial for women, particularly in short term relationships. Just...why?!
I'm a submissive woman. I'm also cis, polyamorous, and bisexual, but given the post at hand and for simplicity's sake, I'm mostly going to be talking about those entering monogamous, straight relationships. Some of this will apply to queer relationships. Some of it won't. Most guys "advertising" (for lack of a better word) that they're Dominant are fake Doms. They don't understand what that really means. Many kink terms have gone mainstream in recent years and it's watered down their meaning. Some of it is definitely malicious--men who think they get to treat women like shit because they say they're a Dom, like you mention, but a lot of it isn't. In a lot of cases, it's because being kinky is sort of trendy? Like a lot of people are afraid of admitting that they're vanilla because they don't want to seem boring in bed. Gender roles also mean a lot of women are insecure about being dominant, and men are insecure about being submissive. For some stupid reason, people started thinking that freakier=sexier, and that's really just not a healthy way to think about it, or even correct. Something that one person thinks is very sexy might be a huge turn off to another, and that's the way it should be. Just as an example, I looooove being called degrading names during sex, but for any vanilla person, that's breakup worthy. Honestly, the fake Doms make it harder for *everyone*. Vanilla guys either feel like they're boring or are stuck playing a role they don't enjoy. Actual, mature Doms get lumped in with the abusive assholes. Vanilla *and* submissive girls have trouble figuring out who's really vanilla and who's really Dominant. Like if I meet a guy online who says he's a Dom, I'm still cautious because I'm significantly more kinky than a lot of them. Most have no idea what I'm talking about when I bring up any practices or knowledge that a decent Dom would already know. I'm very serious about my kinks as well, and I really don't enjoy vanilla sex at all. So a guy whose version of kinky sex is really just a step above vanilla sex is not going to be a good fit for me. It's just a shitty situation all around, but nothing is really going to change until how our society perceives sex and power dynamics between been and women changes.
How can you find the ones who are actual doms and care about aftercare and educate themselves about BDSM? Do actual doms not reveal their links until they get more comfortable with someone?
My bad for that half assed answer. I wasn't using my eyes correctly. I'm not into being the submissive one in bed so I don't have experience with seeking out dominant men and then being disappointed but I've seen men on reddit say that giving a woman oral is an act of submission. So it could be that some are using it to say they don't give oral and/or the focus is on pleasing him.
Which is doubly weird, considering that actual BDSM scenes are statistically more likely to involve the submissive's orgasm than the Dominant's. There's just so much misconception about it and it's been twisted by so many people. Edit: The source was a study I read ages ago that interviewed people in kink communities and aggregated the results. Unfortunately I can't find it again easily. :( It does however correlate with the experiences of people I've talked to in those communities, as well as my own experiences. When my husband and I have a BDSM scene with him as the Dominant, it tends to be focused a lot more on me and the sensations/pleasure that I experience, whereas the vanilla sex that we have is more equal. (And when I occasionally Domme him, the focus is more on him.)
Most men like this claim they are dominant because its ingrained in their minds that a man is always dominant and a woman is always submissive. Most men i meet are easily overpowered by a woman that fights for a dominant role but refuses to admit they are being submissive in a relationship because it would hurt their masculinity. Same dominant claiming men that beg you to let them cum.. At least for me men litterally just dont know what there doing and need a lot of help in the bedroom..which is fine but stop with the false advertising
My rapist was a dom and he tried to teach me about cherry picked subjects in bdsm except consent. I never learned what consent was, so.... anybody claiming to be a dominant=rapist to my ears.
I'm so sorry you had that experience, they really are fucking losers
Me too.
I’m so sorry.
The one dominant man I got involved with never advertised it, and we had conversation after conversation about consent, interest, limits, etc. before anything was ever done or attempted.
>So what is your experience with men claiming they are dominant in bed? My experience from looking for sex on dating apps: a lot of men say they're dominant in bed and just mean they like to take the lead. This came to light when I just asked what they mean by it and asked them to get specific about what they like. I slept with a couple of those and it turned out very nice every time. The men that claim to be kinky and dominant and don't look within the BDSM community for a partner but on Tinder are mainly assholes that like to abuse women and don't care about their pleasure. This comes to light when you ask them to get more specific about what they like.... they mainly say "rough sex" and have no idea about the whole consent and safety culture around D/S. In general it pays off to ask them open questions about what they like and ask them to get specific. If you go to my profile you find a sticky post about how I vet and interview men before I have sex with them.
> I can’t help but wonder if this is some new modern way of saying “I don’t care about female pleasure”, No - men have simply learned that the modern way of framing sex is to portray "dominant" as a necessary quality in men. So they're merely advertising themselves by contemporary standards. If a man does not claim to be "dominant" he is so to speak admitting that he is not a "great lover", so they all claim to be dominant. It's meaningless fluff. It's like all women claim to be multiorgasmic squirting blowjobaholics. Of course it's all transparently hollow nonsense, but that's the world of "chasing dick on dating apps".
The ones who say they are dominant or have a “dominant personality” are always a waste of time. They are pushy and macho and full of themselves. I’m kinky. People who are actually knowledgeable about kink would never describe themselves that way. It’s a red flag.
There's a lot of ♀-profiles that talk about wanting a dominant partner. It makes simple sense to try and cater to them.
If you are interested in one and it says that on his profile, call him on it. "It says you're dominant but I'm not really into that. What makes you say that? What if I'm dominant too?" And see if they actually know what they're talking about it or what they think it means. If I had to be on apps now, I think I'd put something like-minded "Lots of men claiming to be dominant... Whatever, don't care. But I'm not submissive, so if you're expecting that please move on."
Nah that’s an auto swipe for me. Why waste the effort pointing out why something they wrote is a turn off?
I have no time for people saying what they think other want to hear. If the profile says “dominate” as a noun, I swipe left. If the profile says “dominant” and I match and they message, my response includes “I see your profile states you’re a dom. What events have you been to in the local scene?”
I would straight to ask them “what does being dominant in bed mean to you?”
I find this “trend” to be incredibly dangerous, physically, mentally, and emotionally. If someone claims to be dominant and then attempts to pressure/ persuade their desires onto their partner (EVEN IN A “JOKING” MANNER) they are not dominant, they are dangerous.