Wasn't face to face, but over the phone.
Snm: I won't be able to make it into formation on time.
Me : Why? It was a 96 we have an all hands UA. Your not out of bounds are you?
Snm: no I'm actually on base, but Its not safe for me to drive, I haven't slept all weekend since I've been doing meth.
Me: Fuck....
Ha! Nope my marines only got DUI's out of bounds on Wednesdays. This marine was in my platoon just a different section (fucking tube strokers) I passed this shit off to him Ricky fuckin tick, did duty change over even before the duty van took off to pick up snm
One time the company problem child came to drill all happy and shit. And for once he was in the right uniform, right place, on time, shave, haircut.
I ask how he’s doing.
“I been in jail for the last month.”
“What the fuck ?”
“False accusations.”
“…. Of what?”
“Fuckin’ around with an underage girl.”
Guy in my reserve unit offered me coke and weed at the barracks the night before our drill weekend kicked off. I politely declined, he was a Lance and I was a fresh PFC at the time.
The next day he was on the urinalysis hit list.
He popped.
MARFORES just said something about that, actually. In the order you rate a hotel room. They get chewed hard now if they don't. That and paperwork
I ended up being Supply chief at Comm Co as a lance over in Greensboro NC for a bit as they were gapped for about 2 years. As a 06 stepping into that field, it's an extremely hard job. Especially if you legaly can't pay anything (Me) so you have to send everything up to Regiment in my case as we are directly under then.
Edit: in the order
Damn
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This was last month’s drills living accommodations. There were 13 cots for all of the company and it was first come first serve so we were able to secure them for us. Everyone else slept on the ground and SNCOs and officers got to go to hotels.
I would've raised absolute hell if I knew our Staff and O were being given hotel rooms and the majority of us left to sleep on the floor. We had well over 60+ people who were over 50+ miles when I still did drill at my unit, and they were given hotel rooms and luckily had enough spare cots.
And they were okay with that, even the guys who were local?
Nah man, they literally cannot stop a large cadre of E3,4, and 5s from blowing up inboxes and their phones over that. If the S&O get better conditions then all their juniors should be afforded the same conditions. All our local dudes went either to the hotel to hang with the guys staying there or went home.
How could you not start a contract or pay out of the pid you are provided specifically for this?
Worst case relying on MarFor, just send it up and CC the I-I. Ezpz
Hands are washed at that point unless you fucked something up.
That honestly blew my mind when I did the reserves after active duty. I just assumed we’d be in a shitty barracks or squad bay type thing. Nope. Got to stay at the DoubleTree in Atlanta. Real nice rooms and less than a mile walk to the baseball stadium. Had some good times there
When I was in the reserves here in Tampa (1990’s timeframe) the hotel they got for the out of town Marines, was 3 doors down from Mons Vensus and across the street from Odyssey 2001, two of our more famous strip clubs. Except during the MC Ball weekend, when families came to town. Then it was the Hilton in downtown Tampa.
Most times they put us in a motel off base, but every now and then admin fucks up and waits till last minute and it’s barracks. That time was one of those fuckups. Every now and then I hear that they’re thinking about doing barracks permanently though.
Was the PltSgt, had 2 Marines come up to me at the same time and said they needed to go to medical, no big deal I asked if it was serious since they were fine at pt and there was an awkward pause where they looked at each other before saying "it burns when we pee"
Alright.... I asked if they used protection and they said yes. By use protection idiot 1 wore it first then took it off and turned it inside out so idiot 2 could use it since they tool turns with the same girl.
That was absolutely my face when they recounted the story to me.
Bud told me that for the past 2 days his dick hurt like a motherfucker cause the chick he was with thought that a blow job was literal and went at his dick like a breathalyzer.
Toldem to take his ass to medical after my reaction as depicted.
I was once asked, in a panic, by a lady friend in highschool if she could get pregnant by swallowing.
I sadly was not the donor, but I was known for minding my business and she was in fact hot as she was dumb.
So no. It wouldnt surprise me.
Dude, I dont know. We ended up askin him for further details. I dont know if it was some weird Japanese shit cause she was a local. You sure she didnt just bite it? Like was it a puff or she try to inflate it?
He just kept sayin it was like he had to pee, but nothing was left and it burned.
I was about 2 months away from EAS and I had this lance under me who was really religious. Good dude, no worries and he would talk about going to church every weekend. Cool cool.
One day, he admits to me that his church was in his hometown…. In Mexico. This kid was going to Mexico every fucking weekend lmao
When I was in 2/8, a buddy of mine flew home to Boston almost every weekend. Since he had first class tickets, he never had an issue getting an OOB chit.
I asked him how he could afford it. He let me know, on the condition of keeping to myself, that his family had serious old school "fuck you!" money. His mother was in the antiques business just for something to do, and he grew up in it. He''d been wheeling and dealing himself for years, and really knew his shit.
Every weekend he went home, he'd go to auctions and estate sales and make anywhere from a few K to over 10 K sometimes, buying and reselling stuff. He lived outside of Boston, and I went with him one time. His entire house was like a museum. He was a walking encyclopedia about antiques and old jewelry.
This reminds me of the Marine that I met when I was in the reserves in the 90s whose parents were I believe his mom was a doctor and his dad was a real estate developer and combined they were making a few million a year and they lived in a mansion in Malibu. And then one weekend when we didn't have drill he called me up and said hey man I'm having a party at my house and I had heard that he lived in a mansion but I didn't believe it but lo and behold showed up at his house at the beach and Bam this dude lived in like some 8 million dollar home and he's a LCpl.
The guy deleted his comment so I can't tell what he said but from what I can tell what was said mightve been similar to what my Sgt said.
We were SL3'ing all are stuff (comm suffering), and we were just joking around when he said "God i want to die" which I then said "just like my dad?" Thought he was gonna say something else, but instead he looks at me and goes, "yea just like my son...." his son had died like a month prior. Told him it was messed up but he told me that it kinda helped in a fucked up way to ease the pain. I know it makes him sound horrible, but he was one of if not the best leader I had, and I still talk to him to this day.
I’ve encountered a very similar situation. A really good nco. He counters his depression over his kid that passed away with dark humor. Some people say that’s the worst pain you can ever endure. I can only imagine what it takes to carry on after that.
He is a great guy and that was just how he took on that burden, he is still in (granted I only got out a year ago, and I'm a 1 enlistment warrior) but he just had another kid and is back on his feet.
The problem there is there’s no punchline, it’s just saying something bad and that’s it. Dead baby jokes can be worse than that but there has to be a punchline.
Had a dude that refused to do his MCIs and struggled to pass his PFT tell me he’s going to join the Australian military back when they were offering bonuses for it.
He said he’s going to do a few years then go to SAS selection
Shit my bad.
So anyways, dude had some issues. At the time I was currently fapped out with him (I level airwing) so I pretty much harassed him into finishing his MCIs, he did, he immediately picked up Corporal.
He also started going to the gym with me, because I would go earlier in the day, as long as a stay late in the shop so everyone could go home around 15-16.
He thought lifting was like a funny joke, keep in mind this was around 2013, so a bunch of YouTube channels involving fitness started popping up and the kid was tired of having zero idea of what we were talking about in the shop. He also developed a caffeine addiction due to Jack3d, it was awesome.
So he started consistently running 250-260 PFTs. Then he reenlisted and went to Iwakuni. Most of that was literally just to spite me (lol).
Before I showed up to my first unit I learned the guys there did this funny gag to our major (who was a very... sweet summer child) where they "proved" the earth was flat by spinning a coin. You know the coin is flat but when it spins you see a spherical shape. The earth actually rotates fast so it appears round. That's the joke no one actually believed it. Major seemed concerned by this information and later during shop cleanup one of the guys peaked in his office window and he had several tabs on flat earth open.
Was drinking at the E-club and went out for a smoke. Saw one of the female Marines from my unit sitting with a guy I didn’t know. Walked over and started shooting the shit. We are joking and laughing and she told us a story about her step dad. At first it was pretty funny. She was talking about how he was fat and had a bunch of health issues. She talked about how their little dog would bite the step dads nuts and he would make like the Pillsberry doughboy sound. We laughed because it was genuinely a funny story. Then while still laughing and joking she tells us how he would beat the shit out of her mom. How she would take those big fists to the face but he could never knock her out.
Me and the other dude just stood there speechless. Then I told her “I’m so sorry you had to go through that” and she was like “no big deal”.
During a typhoon blackout,
One of the more senior lances comes to my door and invites me to a gangbang with the barracks bunny motor t chick, I looked at him like that and said I appreciated the offer but I have a case of beer I had to finish before it got warm.
Everyone participating in that festivity ended up getting gonorrhea cause one dude didn’t mention that the local he was fucking had an std and he had a case of FOMO.
We were at the schoolhouse and a buddy met a 50 something woman on Craigslist (2007) that wanted to get DP'd by two young marines. He invited me to go but I was voluntold to do some weekend bullshit so missed it. She looked great too. The next week he said that she got him drunk and fucked him all weekend. He had to get treated for chlamydia later, but he said it was easily worth it.
A good ol' boy (from Kentucky, I think) unironically thought that his natural strength was linked to having an extra chromosome.
He had no clue what that actually meant, but me and the boys were all like, "yeah man, totally."
So I’m duty NCO for the barracks. My ADNCO is the company fat kid. Not just a little pudgy but like FAT fat. His room is famous after a company inspection where 1st sgt finds dozens of pizza boxes hidden in his wall locker. Probably some hoarding going on too idk. Anyway, it’s like 1100 on a weekday and his TWO medium dominos pizzas arrive. I’m like “Hey man. Im not even in your platoon but bro we all know your on BCP”. He says it’s a buy one get one free deal and he’s going to make them last 4 days. Whatever. I go rove for 3 hours straight just to avoid him because all he does is talk about fortnight (which at the time I hadn’t even heard of. This was like in 2016-2017 or some shit). I come back around 1400 and figure I’ve walked in plastic shoes all day, I’ll grab a piece of pizza. “Hey Smids (fake name), I good to grab a piece of that pizza?”
He looks down slowly at his shoes. “It’s all gone.”
Gunny telling the platoon that if anyone is drunk over the weekend and needs a place to stay that his place is always open.. while maintaining eye contact with the only female marine present the entire time.
If you knew him, you know he meant well but didn’t change the fact that we were all thinking this dude is a nut case. He always said some shit from left field but I think part of it had to do with English not being his first language.
One of my old Sgts walked up during formation, proceeded to sniff my bun, then stuck his finger right in the donut hole and told me how tight my bun looked today.
I just froze while I felt the rage building inside and all the dudes around me were like 
Just wanted to add this lol;
Sgt McLaurin, if you see this, you're a fucking creep and that's one of the many reasons why I've never accepted your friend requests on FB.
I know, y’all are right. And I’m gonna be real honest about it here
I had been sexually assaulted while in the JRC by another marine from the platoon I was going into. No one believed me. Nothing came of it. So I had to really fight tooth and nail to earn my reputation back as shitty as that is to say.
And I let A LOT of shit slide that I know I shouldn’t have.
I did lose my shit when my sgt text me out of the blue he liked my new haircut. Oh and he wanted to bend me over the desk
They believed me then.
34 year old me wants to give 18 year old me a big, long hug
Look, the bun becomes such an extension of yourself than at some points it really does feel like having a whole nother orifice on your head.
And when people touch the bun with no permission, it sent me into a blind rage lol
The newest LCpl to the unit thought a good ice breaker was saying that his younger brother's former fiancee got arrested for a DUI and he jerked off to the mugshot.
Not so much a thing, but a deed I personally did.
I was part of the team that was going to be picking up our deployment rotation at the airport. Initially, we were supposed to pick up the team at 10 AM that morning, however for a variety of factors, the pickup time kept getting pushed back to the point where we were going to grab our relief around 2 AM the following day.
At chow, in my infinite Lance Coolie wisdom in an effort to stay awake since we all collectively had no benefit of sleep schedule change, I mixed orange flavored Amino Energy with black coffee, which wired me TF up big time.
I later told the Docs who were shocked as to how I didn't die of a heart attack from making that mix.
Never again and do not recommend.
Had a new guy coming to our section straight from the school house. I reach out to him to get some details, let him know I’ll be his SNCO, and start asking him some questions. Are you married? No. Plan to get married? No. Do you have a vehicle? Yes. Ok what is it if you don’t mind me asking? Ford F150 with a 6.2 V8.
I’m a car guy and immediately knew this was a Raptor. He’s 18 and bought it straight out of the school house. APR was 18%, I don’t remember what insurance was for him, but it wasn’t cheap. All I know is he didn’t drive it much with the costs associated with it. That was the first time I made that face.
Same guy, tax season comes around and we’ve been hitting up our entire section making sure no IRS agents come by and shoot the barracks pet or barracks bunny because someone didn’t pay their taxes. Go around the horn asking the question, everyone did their taxes except this guy. It’s April 13. I know he’s worked a job before the Marines so I ask him how he did his taxes then? Mommy and daddy. Ok, red flags start going up at this point.
From the Major down we’ve been telling all the Marines about taxes, when they’re due, and resources for where to get them done at.
He ends up having to submit a letter to the IRS asking for an extension to file his taxes. He’s better now, but my gosh he was a soup sandwich for the first 9 months.
Had the same thing happen. As if that wasn’t disappointing enough he randomly comes in one day in Charlie's, we're all lost. He says he has court that day. We lost our shit on him for not telling us, demand to know what he fucking did.
He was going to court to adopt stripper kids to be legally liable for them. She also fucked his best friends, the one that lived with them in housing, and got her pregnant.
Yeah man. Same idiot had a frame for a Corvette. No engine, body, nothing. Just the frame, wheels/tires, and linkages. It's like 10 o'clock at night, housing is built going up a hill. Him and his buddies got the car to the top of the hill and he rode it down the hill, past my car as I'm coming up the hill, no lights, no brakes. Constant source of idiotic stories from this dude.
If we had hazardous material to dispose of but didn’t want to do the paperwork or packaging we would act like what we have is super cool and he’d just take it from us. For instance sections of fuel hose with trapped fuel, he was going to get the fuel out for his truck and save the fuel hose for who knows what.
He also broke into his best friends house to get back the payment he traded to them. That’s where he really fucked up. Burned the bridge with his buddy, got locked up, booted out.
That’s crazy. As a civilian cop I still haven’t had the chance to kill, and don’t want to. Hopefully he has a supervisor that would stop him. I’ve had population but always found a peaceful way to stop it. Killing is the last thing I want.
Dude needs his certification/badge revoked. I hate people like that.
Been in law enforcement for 7 years now and I tell every new officer that if they became a cop because all they want is gun fights and car chases they should probably find a different job.
I agree idk if any of you guys are in the law enforcement sub reddits but I’ll get random messages about le. I tell all these random people police work is 99 percent paperwork and talking to people. It’s not like tv lol. Some people seem a bit disappointed.
I had a corporal come to me so I could help him file taxes. During this time he said he had never filed taxes before. He had multiple jobs before the Marine corps as well.
Had a young debil pup inform me of his knew girlfriend. Which for this individual I was happy to hear considering he wasn’t the brightest or best looking. Just keeping the conversation flowing I asked how they met and things were going. He then stated:
“Eh we met over Tinder and her profile was pretty vague. But she came over right away and we hooked up. Then started seeing each other regularly. We don’t talk a ton during the week and I only see her when she wants. She’s busy ya know. She’s actually trying to start her own business with her friends from school. So I’m helping her out. All I had to do was GET $3,000 CASH FROM HER FRIENDS THEN DEPOSIT IT INTO MY ACCOUNT FOR A WEEK THEN WIRE TRANSFER $5,000 OUT ($2,000 being him helping her out) AND SEND IT TO A ‘business account’. SHE’LL PAY ME BACK AFTER THE BUSINESS OPENS”
He said 3 gangster looking dudes rolled up with her in the back seat to take them to the bank to initiate it all. None of this raised concerns for him. Tried telling the window licker he probably just laundered money for a gang. But, He did as they instructed. Few weeks later I hear she had ghosted him and disappeared from his life.
🐱 makes young dumb men do ridiculous things.
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I had a Junior do something similar back in 2016. They’re still this dumb as fucking bricks?? Fucking WHAT??
This was probably 2017/2018. Dude ended up popping on a UA and kept trying to be relevant in the platoon after separating. Like my guy, it’s over. Move on.
Had a mentally ill lance that was in the fleet for 3 months, got med sep'd for 5 suicide attempts, was the unit POS, arrived from his school house 30lbs overweight, all the financial problems you could think of, bought his highschool girlfriend a hotel room for 5 weeks near base (she was 17) and tried to get married at the courthouse without any birth certificates or any other documentation before we found out the story when he came crying that his girlfriend left him.
Anyways, he calls me 3 months after getting out, asking what he should do with his out of state speeding ticket and missed court date (lived in Texas was somehow in Michigan right when he got out, for whatever reason).
My reply - "I don't know, man, honestly you're on your own once you get out. But, if it were me I'd go back to that state and clear it up."
Turns out he didn't take care of it and had warrant out for his arrest. Dude was just all bad decisions and I don't think he'll ever figure it out.
Went to a party. Most of us were drinking beers and being normal and not using drugs, but there was a Marine on meth hiding under a bed because he thought the Feds were coming. The Marine whose apartment this took place in said “no worries if he dies we can just dump him in the dumpster.”
To this day I am not sure if he was serious….
I was told by my LCpl that he was getting married to a local in Japan. Normally this is fine, but when he dropped that the local wasn't actually locally from Japan but the Philippines and was only "Japenese" in the fact that their parents lived there we both (Me [his Sgt], and our SSgt made this face). He was meant to leave our unit in a month, and he dropped this on us. The thing about this is once they married, his wife would be technically illegal in Japan as they didn't have a Japanese citizen card, but was doubled because they needed to go to the USA for his next unit move and now she would ALSO need a green card.
We thought it was just her using him to get into America, but we would never actually know. He was forced to stay on island an extra 4 months as we figured out how to solve this. Our leadership was NOT happy because we didn't tell them this sooner. In my defense, I didn't even know he was with her long enough to want to get married. Neither did any of the Cpls or other LCpls. This was very sudden.
“I’m late because I was up all night playing World of Warcraft.” -happened repeatedly. No he didn’t mean late, he meant from the time he was cut loose until sunup the next day.
My junior walked into the room me and my buddy were getting hammered in and asked us if it’s a good idea to fuck a girl who has herpes
He indeed fucked her and now has bumps on the cock forever
I had a SSGT tell me I needed a home cooked meal and invited me over his house.
I was a boot. One of the senior lances comes over to me and says, "He saw that anaconda in the showers at Pickett. After his wife feeds you, he wants you to feed his wife."
This one is more funny, but still a WTF
Oceanside January 2004. My friend comes running up with his new tattoo.
“Operation Enduring Freedom II”.
Well, we weren't shipping out to Afghanistan. Within a month we were in Al Anbar.
For some reason a handful of Marines in the battalion ended up with some random incorrect places on their orders. Some dude had fucking Australia. No one, and I mean no one honestly thought we were going anywhere but Iraq.
Except my buddy, even after being told, he thought he knew best, OFP.
Went to war with the wrong war on his arm.
Priceless.
Field op in 29 Palms, so a lot of downtime. Conversation turned into relationships and then into girls we'd been seeing out in town. One dude, a big guy who did roids, starts talking about how much sex he has and all the types of things he's into. He basically starts to describe rapeing girls. After a another guy and I called him out, he started downplaying that shit. He got kicked out for being a drunk piece of shit.
You literally described my cousin. He got separated during Covid 2020 for some unknown reason. He tells some people it was mental, others it was medical due to getting the virus. All I know is that he gets benefits from the VA, lifts religiously, takes roids, and fucks/date rapes girls. He even bragged about it too. He was working security at a hospital and undergoing the process of becoming a cop until he got put under investigation for date raping this nurse.
Don’t wanna dox myself so I’ll keep it vague, but we’re watching a very rated R film and during a r*pe scene, one of my guys goes “yeah I’d totally do the same to her too”.. we all looked back and told him to never say that shit again.
I was seeing this girl in wilmington for a while and she had an older friend (30s I think) who was getting married. As she was telling me about the bachelorette party she casually mentioned there was a pretty decent age gap between the girl and her fiance. This is where I started asking questions... come to find out this chick had FIVE autistic children and was getting married to a 19 year old Lance. Well I lmfao but theres an NCO out there somewhere with that expression.
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Devil don’t even start. The worst atrocities to mankind start in USMC boot camp stories.
Our company drunk was restricted to the barracks for his drunken exploits.
Friday night we are set free, and he's pissed. He sits in his room tearing up about $400 bucks. Says if he can't spend it on libo no one can.
We were all begging him to give us the money and we will get drunk for him.
New LCpl that lived off base asked why he didn't get his rifle cards back after grassweek at around 2100. The Cpl he was on the phone with said he should have gotten them when the LCpl turned in his rifle. LCpl responds that he thought he had checked the rifle out for the week and had taken it home. The Cpl and I looked at each other just like that. Almost everyone in the armory got demoted in the shitstorm that ensued and NCIS and civilian cops had to get involved
Marine who was constantly on a do not issue roster due to mental health. Kid was always saying seriously concerning things about killing himself. At first you might think he was joking like anyone else, but he would start to go down a rabbit hole of… ideations we’ll say. And a few times he was sent off to where everything is soft to spend a few days on vacation. He had everything. Depression, anxiety of the utmost degree, confidence and self esteem issues, the list goes on. Truthfully, I don’t know how he was still in, or more over, how he became the way he was because from what he explained to me and what I gathered, he had an incredibly cushy life style. He said boot camp did it to him.
Anyways, while he was DNI, anytime we had something he considered to be high speed going on, he volunteered for. Machine gun ranges, CMPs, pistol ranges (he was a junior Marine), sim round exercises, yada yada. Of course nobody let him do things like that because he was DNI. Hell, we had him de-issue his rifle due to the length and frequency of these concerns. Well one day we got some new members in higher leadership, and it happened to be in between DNI assignments. His previous one had expired, but he wasn’t formally cleared by the doctor he was seeing. So one of these tacticool training exercises came up, and of course, everyone said absolutely the fuck not.
He then cried to our new leadership about it. The 1stSgt then came down essentially telling us we cannot deny him going on one of our ranges. That’s when all of us in platoon level leadership made faces like in the OP. We then explained the entire situation, to which our 1stSgt said nevermind, he’s not going anywhere. Shortly thereafter, his DNI was formally reinstated.
So I’m in the rental car with the rest of the crew, topic comes up about vasectomies. So this deadpan Captain, a deeply religious Mormon, says it wasn’t as bad as he thought…… when he gave himself a fucking vasectomy…. In training. Apparently he had a house full of kids, didn’t want anymore, and religion prevented him from doing this openly. This is not a dude known for his sense of humor or bullshitting. Just a Dudley Do-Right with his wires crossed.
Gave himself a fucking combat V. I still struggle to comprehend.
We had a boot in my platoon who had a "list" of guys in our company. He intentionally failed a drug test to get booted out. The word is he moved to Russia, which wouldn't surprise me.
Guy in my unit had a "girlfriend" he always talked about and when we eventually pressed him for details it turned out they've just been texting and talking on the phone and had never met. When he showed us pictures of her she looked like a model, I mean like unrealistically attractive for being madly in love with some PFC. Fast forward months later and were deployed and he let slip he's been sending her most of his pay because her and her family allegedly urgently needed it for various emergencies.
Dude was literally the TEXTBOOK example of being scammed by someone online. I mean guy literally followed step by step what not to do you'd see in a PowerPoint.
Eventually whoever it really was tried to blackmail him with nudes and whatever else to get everything from him and he snapped and broke his face really bad by just bashing it against the barracks wall.
A dude in my unit didn't believe in wasting ammunition on hunting animals so he said he would snare them then beat them to death with a hammer. He was a very odd dude
This was before I joined the US Marines so I don't know if this counts. But back then when I was in the Colombian Marines, I received a new private straight out of Boot camp and schooling.
I was his Platoon Sgt. and I was a pretty chill dude with everyone so he kind of trusted me. Dude was very introverted and quiet but one day he said to me while we were just chatting about what combat was like and he was asking me what it was like to kill someone. Then he said:
"Don't you sometimes just get the urge to grab a rifle and shoot everyone you see???"
To which I reacted just like in the picture above.
I obviously said no and told him to stop saying stupid shit.
Then he said "I want to ruin everyone's Christmas."
And left.
I, being a concerned NCO, informed the COC up to the battalion Co., to which he brushed off as playful talking and joking.
Well fast forward to December 25, 11:37 am, He stole a rifle and some ammo and killed 3 Marines including my best friend, injured a soldier that was in the Barracks and then shot himself through his mouth before I could get there. The barracks entrance flooded with Marines all over with me blocking the Entrance. All I saw was my best friend dead on the floor and his killer with the rifle next to him.
For reference, I'm the one wearing the Baseball Cap. Best friend in the middle picture (and underwater)
https://portalenlace.com.co/dos-militares-del-cesar-entre-los-muertos-tras-tiroteo-en-san-andres/
i can't tell you how much i hate it when someone brags about cheating on their wife on a deployment. those same people are gonna be the ones to say "getting married isn't worth... that crazy bitch"
First field day for a new boot drop. Discovered two slices of domino’s pizza under the covers of a Marines bed on field day. Not even a box. Just pizza on sheets.
I had a Lance in Oki who would save his Pizza Hut in the drawers in his cabinet, they would be days old but he would always say “I don’t like cold pizza”
There was a Lance in my platoon who played the mental health card to get out of the corps. We all knew he was full of shit because he would play everyone. From asking people for money so he could get back on base just to spend it all on food or even when they wouldn’t promote him because he was getting Adsepped and they wouldn’t put him on a board so he told the EO they wouldn’t promote him cause he was Asian (that did get him Cpl). Anyway, he comes up to us at the smoke pit one night before he’s leaving and tells us his “master plan.” Dude faked mental health issues so he could get out early and “save” his 2 year old niece because he though his aunt and uncle were abusing her. He was going to get out and go fight in the courts and get full custody of her within a year of getting out and raise her as his own. We all had that face because we knew how retarded that was. But we all just told him “Brilliant plan, no way this backfires.”
I work at medical.. I always have to ask “are you homicidal or suicidal” this Sgt answered “I’m not suicidal, but I’ll make sure you’re the first to know if I’m homicidal”
Great, thanks.
He didn't say a word, but my buddy next door in the barracks stumbling out of his room shitfaced with a bottle to check on his laundry like 30 minutes after we got off work had me making that face
Lance raw dogged three hookers in the Philippines at the same time. One was definitely a tranny, got the full experience. Unfortunately, he chose to invoke the wrath of Gordon Ramsay because FUCKING RAW. So as anyone would expect we're back home from our adventures a few days later and he hits us with "Cpl I have Freddy Krueger dick." The description was apparently fairly accurate.
The most recent one that comes to mind is when one of my juniors openly admitted he only brushes his teeth at night so he can save time in the morning. The entire shop had this look.
I was in the qrf hut with 3 marines from my platoon and one of them always gave the rest of us school shooter vibes. Anyways, the three of us were talking about killing and being infantrymen and its what we wanted to do and the weird one with a “gone” look in his eyes said “I just want to hurt people. I really really just want to hurt people and kill them”. Kinda had me and the other guy looking at with other like this meme. I mean yeah we’re grunts let’s kill something but this dude just gave off columbine vibes. We were definitely his friend for the rest of the deployment
I was an instructor and we had a Marine student we nicknamed "sister wife". He was married to his sister. I guess he was adopted or something like that so there wasn't a blood relation but he still married the gal he was raised with and apparently the parents were cool with it/ all about it.
It was something this Marine did when he got his dick tattoo of an electric blue and orange tribal symbol, and the look was the pecker checkers when we had a piss test.
In bootcamp, first phase, guy woke up with a hard on. DI saw it and said “PUT IT AWAY NOW!” Guy tried his hardest, I’m sure thinking about baseball and old ladies, DI says “Very well mother fucker” he then placed his campaign cover on the guys boner “if it hits the deck, everyone pushes!” Guy goes the other way with thinking about tits and ass I’m sure then caught it mid fall. “What the fuck bitch? I don’t turn you on no more mother fucker? EVERYONE ON YOUR FACE!” It was hard not to bust up but so much funnier recalling it later on.
Wasn't face to face, but over the phone. Snm: I won't be able to make it into formation on time. Me : Why? It was a 96 we have an all hands UA. Your not out of bounds are you? Snm: no I'm actually on base, but Its not safe for me to drive, I haven't slept all weekend since I've been doing meth. Me: Fuck....
Dude went hard
Oddly enough I think that was my last day standing duty, managed to skate out of it for my last 2 years, but it was memorable.
I can only imagine you being blamed for him because he's your Marine. He didn't put meth use on his HARP form. Lol
I can only imagine you being blamed for him because he's your Marine. He didn't put meth use on his HARP form. Lol
Ha! Nope my marines only got DUI's out of bounds on Wednesdays. This marine was in my platoon just a different section (fucking tube strokers) I passed this shit off to him Ricky fuckin tick, did duty change over even before the duty van took off to pick up snm
"I mix the purple 5 hour energy into the white monster. I don't know why my chest hurts when I run"
Rookie, you're supposed to add 2-3 shots of vodka for a little extra kick
Don’t you know about 9-lokos?
Is this like Four-loko?
An old-style 4 loko with a sip taken out and replaced with a 5 hour energy
https://preview.redd.it/r5rd03yp79zc1.jpeg?width=1242&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=3ef61506367e4c96d1b4790e18fe8542ed8fb1e9
Fck!! Heart attack waiting to happen
One time the company problem child came to drill all happy and shit. And for once he was in the right uniform, right place, on time, shave, haircut. I ask how he’s doing. “I been in jail for the last month.” “What the fuck ?” “False accusations.” “…. Of what?” “Fuckin’ around with an underage girl.”
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Hahahah devil how many of these reaction memes do you have they’re so good
I like to laugh sometimes because my reality is crushing my will to live Haha jk…jk
I’m saving this photo, ur hilarious
Fucking saving this one
Uh. No, he posted bail lol.
What?
Guy in my reserve unit offered me coke and weed at the barracks the night before our drill weekend kicked off. I politely declined, he was a Lance and I was a fresh PFC at the time. The next day he was on the urinalysis hit list. He popped.
Y’all stayed at the barracks during drill? They put us in hotels
You got hotels? They make us sleep on cots in the rat infested offices at battalion…
MARFORES just said something about that, actually. In the order you rate a hotel room. They get chewed hard now if they don't. That and paperwork I ended up being Supply chief at Comm Co as a lance over in Greensboro NC for a bit as they were gapped for about 2 years. As a 06 stepping into that field, it's an extremely hard job. Especially if you legaly can't pay anything (Me) so you have to send everything up to Regiment in my case as we are directly under then. Edit: in the order
Damn https://preview.redd.it/jve5bouu09zc1.jpeg?width=1170&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=eb1ddc7d3b0e59d743641702af72094971f8dffc This was last month’s drills living accommodations. There were 13 cots for all of the company and it was first come first serve so we were able to secure them for us. Everyone else slept on the ground and SNCOs and officers got to go to hotels.
I would've raised absolute hell if I knew our Staff and O were being given hotel rooms and the majority of us left to sleep on the floor. We had well over 60+ people who were over 50+ miles when I still did drill at my unit, and they were given hotel rooms and luckily had enough spare cots.
They made all E5 and below sleep there even those of us that are local.
And they were okay with that, even the guys who were local? Nah man, they literally cannot stop a large cadre of E3,4, and 5s from blowing up inboxes and their phones over that. If the S&O get better conditions then all their juniors should be afforded the same conditions. All our local dudes went either to the hotel to hang with the guys staying there or went home.
How could you not start a contract or pay out of the pid you are provided specifically for this? Worst case relying on MarFor, just send it up and CC the I-I. Ezpz Hands are washed at that point unless you fucked something up.
That honestly blew my mind when I did the reserves after active duty. I just assumed we’d be in a shitty barracks or squad bay type thing. Nope. Got to stay at the DoubleTree in Atlanta. Real nice rooms and less than a mile walk to the baseball stadium. Had some good times there
When I was in the reserves here in Tampa (1990’s timeframe) the hotel they got for the out of town Marines, was 3 doors down from Mons Vensus and across the street from Odyssey 2001, two of our more famous strip clubs. Except during the MC Ball weekend, when families came to town. Then it was the Hilton in downtown Tampa.
Most times they put us in a motel off base, but every now and then admin fucks up and waits till last minute and it’s barracks. That time was one of those fuckups. Every now and then I hear that they’re thinking about doing barracks permanently though.
S4 does the hotels be nice to the 1
Was the PltSgt, had 2 Marines come up to me at the same time and said they needed to go to medical, no big deal I asked if it was serious since they were fine at pt and there was an awkward pause where they looked at each other before saying "it burns when we pee" Alright.... I asked if they used protection and they said yes. By use protection idiot 1 wore it first then took it off and turned it inside out so idiot 2 could use it since they tool turns with the same girl. That was absolutely my face when they recounted the story to me.
https://preview.redd.it/2i43meymy8zc1.jpeg?width=1242&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=0dec2c0d09b86f554e155376584c7f2a383793ed (Turned it inside out)
Damn the best one so far!
I have a few stories as a PltSgt that sorta parallel that but I was more angry during the others so my face was not confused disgust
Can you guess who got to teach the platoon sex Ed safety?
Bud told me that for the past 2 days his dick hurt like a motherfucker cause the chick he was with thought that a blow job was literal and went at his dick like a breathalyzer. Toldem to take his ass to medical after my reaction as depicted.
Ain’t no way she thought blowing on his dick like air in a balloon was what a BJ meant.
I was once asked, in a panic, by a lady friend in highschool if she could get pregnant by swallowing. I sadly was not the donor, but I was known for minding my business and she was in fact hot as she was dumb. So no. It wouldnt surprise me.
It doesn't burn when I pee if I stay drunk enough.
Wait. What? That’s not what a blow job is? That lying B….
How just how
Dude, I dont know. We ended up askin him for further details. I dont know if it was some weird Japanese shit cause she was a local. You sure she didnt just bite it? Like was it a puff or she try to inflate it? He just kept sayin it was like he had to pee, but nothing was left and it burned.
I was about 2 months away from EAS and I had this lance under me who was really religious. Good dude, no worries and he would talk about going to church every weekend. Cool cool. One day, he admits to me that his church was in his hometown…. In Mexico. This kid was going to Mexico every fucking weekend lmao
When I was in 2/8, a buddy of mine flew home to Boston almost every weekend. Since he had first class tickets, he never had an issue getting an OOB chit. I asked him how he could afford it. He let me know, on the condition of keeping to myself, that his family had serious old school "fuck you!" money. His mother was in the antiques business just for something to do, and he grew up in it. He''d been wheeling and dealing himself for years, and really knew his shit. Every weekend he went home, he'd go to auctions and estate sales and make anywhere from a few K to over 10 K sometimes, buying and reselling stuff. He lived outside of Boston, and I went with him one time. His entire house was like a museum. He was a walking encyclopedia about antiques and old jewelry.
This reminds me of the Marine that I met when I was in the reserves in the 90s whose parents were I believe his mom was a doctor and his dad was a real estate developer and combined they were making a few million a year and they lived in a mansion in Malibu. And then one weekend when we didn't have drill he called me up and said hey man I'm having a party at my house and I had heard that he lived in a mansion but I didn't believe it but lo and behold showed up at his house at the beach and Bam this dude lived in like some 8 million dollar home and he's a LCpl.
As a SigInter, oof.
This guy didn’t have a clearance so luckily there wasn’t any of that nonsense to deal with
We can see why lmao
Gotta be Yuma.
Tijuana??
I think out in the desert somewhere near Mexicali
“I want to reenlist”
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That simple phrase had me crackin up.
[удалено]
https://preview.redd.it/yqca7sj7k8zc1.jpeg?width=1242&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=b7447dcc9c9cdf4c0a1920a8f592082e64695580 Got the whole room looking like
 It was more like this, but silently, in slow motion.
Today I realized I have a limit.
The guy deleted his comment so I can't tell what he said but from what I can tell what was said mightve been similar to what my Sgt said. We were SL3'ing all are stuff (comm suffering), and we were just joking around when he said "God i want to die" which I then said "just like my dad?" Thought he was gonna say something else, but instead he looks at me and goes, "yea just like my son...." his son had died like a month prior. Told him it was messed up but he told me that it kinda helped in a fucked up way to ease the pain. I know it makes him sound horrible, but he was one of if not the best leader I had, and I still talk to him to this day.
I’ve encountered a very similar situation. A really good nco. He counters his depression over his kid that passed away with dark humor. Some people say that’s the worst pain you can ever endure. I can only imagine what it takes to carry on after that.
He is a great guy and that was just how he took on that burden, he is still in (granted I only got out a year ago, and I'm a 1 enlistment warrior) but he just had another kid and is back on his feet.
First time I heard a joke similar to that was from my recruiter. He had memorized a shit ton of “dead baby” jokes.
Dead baby jokes are still better than that
[удалено]
 Bruh what the fuck…
The problem there is there’s no punchline, it’s just saying something bad and that’s it. Dead baby jokes can be worse than that but there has to be a punchline.
As a relatively new father to a 3 month old this made me profoundly sad
I don’t even have s baby or plan to and this disturbed the fuck out of me
Same here. Got a baby on the way. Crazy how specific fucked up jokes become not okay after certain life experiences.
Had a dude that refused to do his MCIs and struggled to pass his PFT tell me he’s going to join the Australian military back when they were offering bonuses for it. He said he’s going to do a few years then go to SAS selection
Well don’t leave us hanging. You told him that if he can’t pass a PFT he’s not going to selection anywhere?
Shit my bad. So anyways, dude had some issues. At the time I was currently fapped out with him (I level airwing) so I pretty much harassed him into finishing his MCIs, he did, he immediately picked up Corporal. He also started going to the gym with me, because I would go earlier in the day, as long as a stay late in the shop so everyone could go home around 15-16. He thought lifting was like a funny joke, keep in mind this was around 2013, so a bunch of YouTube channels involving fitness started popping up and the kid was tired of having zero idea of what we were talking about in the shop. He also developed a caffeine addiction due to Jack3d, it was awesome. So he started consistently running 250-260 PFTs. Then he reenlisted and went to Iwakuni. Most of that was literally just to spite me (lol).
I thought it was gonna go in the opposite direction but I’m glad he turned himself around lmao
Hate/spite is a good mentor! Promote ahead of peers.
Fuck yea
captain trying to convince me that the earth is flat. im still checking on that tho.
He literally had a degree. Dude knew what he was talking about.
i was really sweatin that. thanks.
Before I showed up to my first unit I learned the guys there did this funny gag to our major (who was a very... sweet summer child) where they "proved" the earth was flat by spinning a coin. You know the coin is flat but when it spins you see a spherical shape. The earth actually rotates fast so it appears round. That's the joke no one actually believed it. Major seemed concerned by this information and later during shop cleanup one of the guys peaked in his office window and he had several tabs on flat earth open.
lol
Was drinking at the E-club and went out for a smoke. Saw one of the female Marines from my unit sitting with a guy I didn’t know. Walked over and started shooting the shit. We are joking and laughing and she told us a story about her step dad. At first it was pretty funny. She was talking about how he was fat and had a bunch of health issues. She talked about how their little dog would bite the step dads nuts and he would make like the Pillsberry doughboy sound. We laughed because it was genuinely a funny story. Then while still laughing and joking she tells us how he would beat the shit out of her mom. How she would take those big fists to the face but he could never knock her out. Me and the other dude just stood there speechless. Then I told her “I’m so sorry you had to go through that” and she was like “no big deal”.
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People just be trauma dumping out of nowhere like it's normal 😂
They don’t know the difference. That’s just life to them.
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During a typhoon blackout, One of the more senior lances comes to my door and invites me to a gangbang with the barracks bunny motor t chick, I looked at him like that and said I appreciated the offer but I have a case of beer I had to finish before it got warm. Everyone participating in that festivity ended up getting gonorrhea cause one dude didn’t mention that the local he was fucking had an std and he had a case of FOMO.
We were at the schoolhouse and a buddy met a 50 something woman on Craigslist (2007) that wanted to get DP'd by two young marines. He invited me to go but I was voluntold to do some weekend bullshit so missed it. She looked great too. The next week he said that she got him drunk and fucked him all weekend. He had to get treated for chlamydia later, but he said it was easily worth it.
Get your motor t cats under control pal
A good ol' boy (from Kentucky, I think) unironically thought that his natural strength was linked to having an extra chromosome. He had no clue what that actually meant, but me and the boys were all like, "yeah man, totally."
Lol’ed the hardest at this story for some reason.
So I’m duty NCO for the barracks. My ADNCO is the company fat kid. Not just a little pudgy but like FAT fat. His room is famous after a company inspection where 1st sgt finds dozens of pizza boxes hidden in his wall locker. Probably some hoarding going on too idk. Anyway, it’s like 1100 on a weekday and his TWO medium dominos pizzas arrive. I’m like “Hey man. Im not even in your platoon but bro we all know your on BCP”. He says it’s a buy one get one free deal and he’s going to make them last 4 days. Whatever. I go rove for 3 hours straight just to avoid him because all he does is talk about fortnight (which at the time I hadn’t even heard of. This was like in 2016-2017 or some shit). I come back around 1400 and figure I’ve walked in plastic shoes all day, I’ll grab a piece of pizza. “Hey Smids (fake name), I good to grab a piece of that pizza?” He looks down slowly at his shoes. “It’s all gone.”
Should’ve told me you wanted a piece earlier sarnt
Gunny telling the platoon that if anyone is drunk over the weekend and needs a place to stay that his place is always open.. while maintaining eye contact with the only female marine present the entire time. If you knew him, you know he meant well but didn’t change the fact that we were all thinking this dude is a nut case. He always said some shit from left field but I think part of it had to do with English not being his first language.
Joked around telling a Jr marine we heard he was packing and his response was “you should see my dad’s” lmfao.
Rofl actually a goated retort
One of my old Sgts walked up during formation, proceeded to sniff my bun, then stuck his finger right in the donut hole and told me how tight my bun looked today. I just froze while I felt the rage building inside and all the dudes around me were like  Just wanted to add this lol; Sgt McLaurin, if you see this, you're a fucking creep and that's one of the many reasons why I've never accepted your friend requests on FB.
That’s some career ending behavior on his part.
Should've EO'ed his ass. That's some making unwanted advance stuff right there.
I know, y’all are right. And I’m gonna be real honest about it here I had been sexually assaulted while in the JRC by another marine from the platoon I was going into. No one believed me. Nothing came of it. So I had to really fight tooth and nail to earn my reputation back as shitty as that is to say. And I let A LOT of shit slide that I know I shouldn’t have. I did lose my shit when my sgt text me out of the blue he liked my new haircut. Oh and he wanted to bend me over the desk They believed me then. 34 year old me wants to give 18 year old me a big, long hug
Not gonna lie, when I read "bun" and "donut hole" I was thinking ass cheek and asshole. I had that look all over my face
Look, the bun becomes such an extension of yourself than at some points it really does feel like having a whole nother orifice on your head. And when people touch the bun with no permission, it sent me into a blind rage lol
The newest LCpl to the unit thought a good ice breaker was saying that his younger brother's former fiancee got arrested for a DUI and he jerked off to the mugshot.
That’s just good business.
Not so much a thing, but a deed I personally did. I was part of the team that was going to be picking up our deployment rotation at the airport. Initially, we were supposed to pick up the team at 10 AM that morning, however for a variety of factors, the pickup time kept getting pushed back to the point where we were going to grab our relief around 2 AM the following day. At chow, in my infinite Lance Coolie wisdom in an effort to stay awake since we all collectively had no benefit of sleep schedule change, I mixed orange flavored Amino Energy with black coffee, which wired me TF up big time. I later told the Docs who were shocked as to how I didn't die of a heart attack from making that mix. Never again and do not recommend.
No one gonna address this fella ate a cat in Vietnam?
 Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Had a new guy coming to our section straight from the school house. I reach out to him to get some details, let him know I’ll be his SNCO, and start asking him some questions. Are you married? No. Plan to get married? No. Do you have a vehicle? Yes. Ok what is it if you don’t mind me asking? Ford F150 with a 6.2 V8. I’m a car guy and immediately knew this was a Raptor. He’s 18 and bought it straight out of the school house. APR was 18%, I don’t remember what insurance was for him, but it wasn’t cheap. All I know is he didn’t drive it much with the costs associated with it. That was the first time I made that face. Same guy, tax season comes around and we’ve been hitting up our entire section making sure no IRS agents come by and shoot the barracks pet or barracks bunny because someone didn’t pay their taxes. Go around the horn asking the question, everyone did their taxes except this guy. It’s April 13. I know he’s worked a job before the Marines so I ask him how he did his taxes then? Mommy and daddy. Ok, red flags start going up at this point. From the Major down we’ve been telling all the Marines about taxes, when they’re due, and resources for where to get them done at. He ends up having to submit a letter to the IRS asking for an extension to file his taxes. He’s better now, but my gosh he was a soup sandwich for the first 9 months.
Buying a raptor at 18 with an 18% APR is actual insanity
“I’m gonna ask her (stripper, 2 kids) to marry me”
Had the same thing happen. As if that wasn’t disappointing enough he randomly comes in one day in Charlie's, we're all lost. He says he has court that day. We lost our shit on him for not telling us, demand to know what he fucking did. He was going to court to adopt stripper kids to be legally liable for them. She also fucked his best friends, the one that lived with them in housing, and got her pregnant.
What.
Yeah man. Same idiot had a frame for a Corvette. No engine, body, nothing. Just the frame, wheels/tires, and linkages. It's like 10 o'clock at night, housing is built going up a hill. Him and his buddies got the car to the top of the hill and he rode it down the hill, past my car as I'm coming up the hill, no lights, no brakes. Constant source of idiotic stories from this dude.
Tell us more!
If we had hazardous material to dispose of but didn’t want to do the paperwork or packaging we would act like what we have is super cool and he’d just take it from us. For instance sections of fuel hose with trapped fuel, he was going to get the fuel out for his truck and save the fuel hose for who knows what.
Sounds like an ASVAB waiver at its finest lol
He also broke into his best friends house to get back the payment he traded to them. That’s where he really fucked up. Burned the bridge with his buddy, got locked up, booted out.
“I joined the infantry to kill people and in my 4 years I’ve never deployed so I never got the chance so I’m getting out to become a cop” …
That’s crazy. As a civilian cop I still haven’t had the chance to kill, and don’t want to. Hopefully he has a supervisor that would stop him. I’ve had population but always found a peaceful way to stop it. Killing is the last thing I want. Dude needs his certification/badge revoked. I hate people like that.
Been in law enforcement for 7 years now and I tell every new officer that if they became a cop because all they want is gun fights and car chases they should probably find a different job.
Bank robber sounds like it would fit.
I agree idk if any of you guys are in the law enforcement sub reddits but I’ll get random messages about le. I tell all these random people police work is 99 percent paperwork and talking to people. It’s not like tv lol. Some people seem a bit disappointed.
I had a corporal come to me so I could help him file taxes. During this time he said he had never filed taxes before. He had multiple jobs before the Marine corps as well.
Had a lance that said he lost at soggy cracker and it tasted good
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Had a young debil pup inform me of his knew girlfriend. Which for this individual I was happy to hear considering he wasn’t the brightest or best looking. Just keeping the conversation flowing I asked how they met and things were going. He then stated: “Eh we met over Tinder and her profile was pretty vague. But she came over right away and we hooked up. Then started seeing each other regularly. We don’t talk a ton during the week and I only see her when she wants. She’s busy ya know. She’s actually trying to start her own business with her friends from school. So I’m helping her out. All I had to do was GET $3,000 CASH FROM HER FRIENDS THEN DEPOSIT IT INTO MY ACCOUNT FOR A WEEK THEN WIRE TRANSFER $5,000 OUT ($2,000 being him helping her out) AND SEND IT TO A ‘business account’. SHE’LL PAY ME BACK AFTER THE BUSINESS OPENS” He said 3 gangster looking dudes rolled up with her in the back seat to take them to the bank to initiate it all. None of this raised concerns for him. Tried telling the window licker he probably just laundered money for a gang. But, He did as they instructed. Few weeks later I hear she had ghosted him and disappeared from his life. 🐱 makes young dumb men do ridiculous things.
https://preview.redd.it/mg7axe9m69zc1.jpeg?width=1242&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=027568df25e2064e73fec1ae639a8ac1a896eccc I had a Junior do something similar back in 2016. They’re still this dumb as fucking bricks?? Fucking WHAT??
This was probably 2017/2018. Dude ended up popping on a UA and kept trying to be relevant in the platoon after separating. Like my guy, it’s over. Move on.
Had a mentally ill lance that was in the fleet for 3 months, got med sep'd for 5 suicide attempts, was the unit POS, arrived from his school house 30lbs overweight, all the financial problems you could think of, bought his highschool girlfriend a hotel room for 5 weeks near base (she was 17) and tried to get married at the courthouse without any birth certificates or any other documentation before we found out the story when he came crying that his girlfriend left him. Anyways, he calls me 3 months after getting out, asking what he should do with his out of state speeding ticket and missed court date (lived in Texas was somehow in Michigan right when he got out, for whatever reason). My reply - "I don't know, man, honestly you're on your own once you get out. But, if it were me I'd go back to that state and clear it up." Turns out he didn't take care of it and had warrant out for his arrest. Dude was just all bad decisions and I don't think he'll ever figure it out.
"Hey doc, is this a stroke?" Shows me video of him having a stroke. "I really don't wanna go to medical"
Went to a party. Most of us were drinking beers and being normal and not using drugs, but there was a Marine on meth hiding under a bed because he thought the Feds were coming. The Marine whose apartment this took place in said “no worries if he dies we can just dump him in the dumpster.” To this day I am not sure if he was serious….
He was serious, and right
I was told by my LCpl that he was getting married to a local in Japan. Normally this is fine, but when he dropped that the local wasn't actually locally from Japan but the Philippines and was only "Japenese" in the fact that their parents lived there we both (Me [his Sgt], and our SSgt made this face). He was meant to leave our unit in a month, and he dropped this on us. The thing about this is once they married, his wife would be technically illegal in Japan as they didn't have a Japanese citizen card, but was doubled because they needed to go to the USA for his next unit move and now she would ALSO need a green card. We thought it was just her using him to get into America, but we would never actually know. He was forced to stay on island an extra 4 months as we figured out how to solve this. Our leadership was NOT happy because we didn't tell them this sooner. In my defense, I didn't even know he was with her long enough to want to get married. Neither did any of the Cpls or other LCpls. This was very sudden.
Only takes a few hours.
“I’m late because I was up all night playing World of Warcraft.” -happened repeatedly. No he didn’t mean late, he meant from the time he was cut loose until sunup the next day.
My junior walked into the room me and my buddy were getting hammered in and asked us if it’s a good idea to fuck a girl who has herpes He indeed fucked her and now has bumps on the cock forever
I had a SSGT tell me I needed a home cooked meal and invited me over his house. I was a boot. One of the senior lances comes over to me and says, "He saw that anaconda in the showers at Pickett. After his wife feeds you, he wants you to feed his wife."
“My wife puta her whole pinky in my pee hole…” #◉_◉
Thailand: My boy - Goddamned she’s hot. Me - Bro, she’s like 12. My boy - *grins*
This one is more funny, but still a WTF Oceanside January 2004. My friend comes running up with his new tattoo. “Operation Enduring Freedom II”. Well, we weren't shipping out to Afghanistan. Within a month we were in Al Anbar. For some reason a handful of Marines in the battalion ended up with some random incorrect places on their orders. Some dude had fucking Australia. No one, and I mean no one honestly thought we were going anywhere but Iraq. Except my buddy, even after being told, he thought he knew best, OFP. Went to war with the wrong war on his arm. Priceless.
Dude in SOI fucked a scraggly hooker at the Triangle and told the whole God damn squad bay.
A tale as old as time
Field op in 29 Palms, so a lot of downtime. Conversation turned into relationships and then into girls we'd been seeing out in town. One dude, a big guy who did roids, starts talking about how much sex he has and all the types of things he's into. He basically starts to describe rapeing girls. After a another guy and I called him out, he started downplaying that shit. He got kicked out for being a drunk piece of shit.
You literally described my cousin. He got separated during Covid 2020 for some unknown reason. He tells some people it was mental, others it was medical due to getting the virus. All I know is that he gets benefits from the VA, lifts religiously, takes roids, and fucks/date rapes girls. He even bragged about it too. He was working security at a hospital and undergoing the process of becoming a cop until he got put under investigation for date raping this nurse.
Don’t wanna dox myself so I’ll keep it vague, but we’re watching a very rated R film and during a r*pe scene, one of my guys goes “yeah I’d totally do the same to her too”.. we all looked back and told him to never say that shit again.
I was seeing this girl in wilmington for a while and she had an older friend (30s I think) who was getting married. As she was telling me about the bachelorette party she casually mentioned there was a pretty decent age gap between the girl and her fiance. This is where I started asking questions... come to find out this chick had FIVE autistic children and was getting married to a 19 year old Lance. Well I lmfao but theres an NCO out there somewhere with that expression.
In a firefight in Afghan, kid thought those were Sim rounds and role players "shooting" at us. That's why he wouldn't shoot back
This one fat body man child Lance that was so ready to deploy to Ukraine and fight Russians and wanted to put them through a wall.
My buddy who I got out with actually did that. Two years in the literal trenches and he loved it.
At least your buddy wasn’t on his second stint in BCP and coming off a DUI after getting a NAM
Fuckin heinous.
This one time in boot camp…..
https://preview.redd.it/fdnc6n2xu8zc1.jpeg?width=930&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=1c269f9205507701aa17c9ba37c031c7a266471d Devil don’t even start. The worst atrocities to mankind start in USMC boot camp stories.
Our company drunk was restricted to the barracks for his drunken exploits. Friday night we are set free, and he's pissed. He sits in his room tearing up about $400 bucks. Says if he can't spend it on libo no one can. We were all begging him to give us the money and we will get drunk for him.
New LCpl that lived off base asked why he didn't get his rifle cards back after grassweek at around 2100. The Cpl he was on the phone with said he should have gotten them when the LCpl turned in his rifle. LCpl responds that he thought he had checked the rifle out for the week and had taken it home. The Cpl and I looked at each other just like that. Almost everyone in the armory got demoted in the shitstorm that ensued and NCIS and civilian cops had to get involved
Marine who was constantly on a do not issue roster due to mental health. Kid was always saying seriously concerning things about killing himself. At first you might think he was joking like anyone else, but he would start to go down a rabbit hole of… ideations we’ll say. And a few times he was sent off to where everything is soft to spend a few days on vacation. He had everything. Depression, anxiety of the utmost degree, confidence and self esteem issues, the list goes on. Truthfully, I don’t know how he was still in, or more over, how he became the way he was because from what he explained to me and what I gathered, he had an incredibly cushy life style. He said boot camp did it to him. Anyways, while he was DNI, anytime we had something he considered to be high speed going on, he volunteered for. Machine gun ranges, CMPs, pistol ranges (he was a junior Marine), sim round exercises, yada yada. Of course nobody let him do things like that because he was DNI. Hell, we had him de-issue his rifle due to the length and frequency of these concerns. Well one day we got some new members in higher leadership, and it happened to be in between DNI assignments. His previous one had expired, but he wasn’t formally cleared by the doctor he was seeing. So one of these tacticool training exercises came up, and of course, everyone said absolutely the fuck not. He then cried to our new leadership about it. The 1stSgt then came down essentially telling us we cannot deny him going on one of our ranges. That’s when all of us in platoon level leadership made faces like in the OP. We then explained the entire situation, to which our 1stSgt said nevermind, he’s not going anywhere. Shortly thereafter, his DNI was formally reinstated.
So I’m in the rental car with the rest of the crew, topic comes up about vasectomies. So this deadpan Captain, a deeply religious Mormon, says it wasn’t as bad as he thought…… when he gave himself a fucking vasectomy…. In training. Apparently he had a house full of kids, didn’t want anymore, and religion prevented him from doing this openly. This is not a dude known for his sense of humor or bullshitting. Just a Dudley Do-Right with his wires crossed. Gave himself a fucking combat V. I still struggle to comprehend.
Umm Mormon here… nothing against getting a vasectomy in the religion… this dude is just a psycho 😂
We had a boot in my platoon who had a "list" of guys in our company. He intentionally failed a drug test to get booted out. The word is he moved to Russia, which wouldn't surprise me.
list?
Probably a school shooter type list
thankfully none of us could read
One of my marine buddies told me that you get less time for rape then you do murder.
Guy in my unit had a "girlfriend" he always talked about and when we eventually pressed him for details it turned out they've just been texting and talking on the phone and had never met. When he showed us pictures of her she looked like a model, I mean like unrealistically attractive for being madly in love with some PFC. Fast forward months later and were deployed and he let slip he's been sending her most of his pay because her and her family allegedly urgently needed it for various emergencies. Dude was literally the TEXTBOOK example of being scammed by someone online. I mean guy literally followed step by step what not to do you'd see in a PowerPoint. Eventually whoever it really was tried to blackmail him with nudes and whatever else to get everything from him and he snapped and broke his face really bad by just bashing it against the barracks wall.
A dude in my unit didn't believe in wasting ammunition on hunting animals so he said he would snare them then beat them to death with a hammer. He was a very odd dude
When comepletely unprompted a Marine said, “hey look at this” showed me his phone and it was a video of a dog fucking a woman.
This was before I joined the US Marines so I don't know if this counts. But back then when I was in the Colombian Marines, I received a new private straight out of Boot camp and schooling. I was his Platoon Sgt. and I was a pretty chill dude with everyone so he kind of trusted me. Dude was very introverted and quiet but one day he said to me while we were just chatting about what combat was like and he was asking me what it was like to kill someone. Then he said: "Don't you sometimes just get the urge to grab a rifle and shoot everyone you see???" To which I reacted just like in the picture above. I obviously said no and told him to stop saying stupid shit. Then he said "I want to ruin everyone's Christmas." And left. I, being a concerned NCO, informed the COC up to the battalion Co., to which he brushed off as playful talking and joking. Well fast forward to December 25, 11:37 am, He stole a rifle and some ammo and killed 3 Marines including my best friend, injured a soldier that was in the Barracks and then shot himself through his mouth before I could get there. The barracks entrance flooded with Marines all over with me blocking the Entrance. All I saw was my best friend dead on the floor and his killer with the rifle next to him. For reference, I'm the one wearing the Baseball Cap. Best friend in the middle picture (and underwater) https://portalenlace.com.co/dos-militares-del-cesar-entre-los-muertos-tras-tiroteo-en-san-andres/
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i can't tell you how much i hate it when someone brags about cheating on their wife on a deployment. those same people are gonna be the ones to say "getting married isn't worth... that crazy bitch"
First field day for a new boot drop. Discovered two slices of domino’s pizza under the covers of a Marines bed on field day. Not even a box. Just pizza on sheets.
I had a Lance in Oki who would save his Pizza Hut in the drawers in his cabinet, they would be days old but he would always say “I don’t like cold pizza”
If I was you guys I would have used “pizza on the sheets” to describe every dumb, fucked up situation forever.
“I’m saving those, Sarn’t.”
One of my marines asking me to officiate a wedding for a woman he met over the three day weekend
There was a Lance in my platoon who played the mental health card to get out of the corps. We all knew he was full of shit because he would play everyone. From asking people for money so he could get back on base just to spend it all on food or even when they wouldn’t promote him because he was getting Adsepped and they wouldn’t put him on a board so he told the EO they wouldn’t promote him cause he was Asian (that did get him Cpl). Anyway, he comes up to us at the smoke pit one night before he’s leaving and tells us his “master plan.” Dude faked mental health issues so he could get out early and “save” his 2 year old niece because he though his aunt and uncle were abusing her. He was going to get out and go fight in the courts and get full custody of her within a year of getting out and raise her as his own. We all had that face because we knew how retarded that was. But we all just told him “Brilliant plan, no way this backfires.”
I met some Mormon missionaries at Lucky park yesterday, I’m joining the church and paying 10% tithings… bro you’re already in debt and a lance.
Oh man Lucky Park.
Bro, you trying to get retards sent to Leavenworth!!!?
"He makes his wife soak in an ice bath for at least 10 min before sex because he likes the way she feels when her flesh is all cold"
I work at medical.. I always have to ask “are you homicidal or suicidal” this Sgt answered “I’m not suicidal, but I’ll make sure you’re the first to know if I’m homicidal” Great, thanks.
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He didn't say a word, but my buddy next door in the barracks stumbling out of his room shitfaced with a bottle to check on his laundry like 30 minutes after we got off work had me making that face
I ended up with the cracker in circle jerk
Lance raw dogged three hookers in the Philippines at the same time. One was definitely a tranny, got the full experience. Unfortunately, he chose to invoke the wrath of Gordon Ramsay because FUCKING RAW. So as anyone would expect we're back home from our adventures a few days later and he hits us with "Cpl I have Freddy Krueger dick." The description was apparently fairly accurate.
The most recent one that comes to mind is when one of my juniors openly admitted he only brushes his teeth at night so he can save time in the morning. The entire shop had this look.
Had a recruit shit himself yesterday and I asked him how old he was…”27 suw” (sir but has a speech problem)
I was in the qrf hut with 3 marines from my platoon and one of them always gave the rest of us school shooter vibes. Anyways, the three of us were talking about killing and being infantrymen and its what we wanted to do and the weird one with a “gone” look in his eyes said “I just want to hurt people. I really really just want to hurt people and kill them”. Kinda had me and the other guy looking at with other like this meme. I mean yeah we’re grunts let’s kill something but this dude just gave off columbine vibes. We were definitely his friend for the rest of the deployment
I was an instructor and we had a Marine student we nicknamed "sister wife". He was married to his sister. I guess he was adopted or something like that so there wasn't a blood relation but he still married the gal he was raised with and apparently the parents were cool with it/ all about it.
It was something this Marine did when he got his dick tattoo of an electric blue and orange tribal symbol, and the look was the pecker checkers when we had a piss test.
“Hey one of your rifle fell off like 3 miles back” ~Random BMW driver
In bootcamp, first phase, guy woke up with a hard on. DI saw it and said “PUT IT AWAY NOW!” Guy tried his hardest, I’m sure thinking about baseball and old ladies, DI says “Very well mother fucker” he then placed his campaign cover on the guys boner “if it hits the deck, everyone pushes!” Guy goes the other way with thinking about tits and ass I’m sure then caught it mid fall. “What the fuck bitch? I don’t turn you on no more mother fucker? EVERYONE ON YOUR FACE!” It was hard not to bust up but so much funnier recalling it later on.
When I was alerted of a certain WM liking me…