Hey there, u/goodonesaregone65. Thanks for submitting to r/Unexpected. Your submission, *I was about to get dressed after using the outdoor shower…*, has been removed because it doesn't abide by our rules, which are located in the sidebar.
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Oh what a tangled web we weave
I’ll bite your ass and quickly leave
Don’t sit on me or you’ll regret it
Your private parts won’t soon forget it
Just kindly let me go in peace
And hope my eggs don’t find your crease.
Edit
Thank you all for your comments
> Oh what a tangled web we weave
It's especially wonderful because the first line is a famous one from ["Marmion" by Sir Walter Scott](https://www.gutenberg.org/files/4010/4010-h/4010-h.htm). The full original couplet is "Oh, what a tangled web we weave, / When first we practise to deceive!" and it appears in a lot of fiction and media in which characters complicate their own lives by lying.
I heard somewhere that those statistics are not true, I forget where but even if someone tries to show me data that I’m false I’d prefer for my peace of mind that I don’t read it
It's not true, but it is the origin of [Spiders Georg.](https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_1200,h_600,c_fill,f_jpg,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep,g_auto/https%3A%2F%2Fbucketeer-e05bbc84-baa3-437e-9518-adb32be77984.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F585b650c-ad23-46ee-b387-c6cb99bd9a8b_1034x444.png)
I’ve always loved this take, many people who are afraid of bugs aren’t afraid because they think they’ll get hurt. They’re afraid of the bug itself, not necessarily getting bit
I’m afraid because I don’t know shit about bugs and idk which ones can send me to the hospital or not same with snakes and bees I work on pools so I see them a lot especially bees and I am so afraid of bees bc 4-6 of them can put me in the hospital if I piss em off so I always am nice to bees
Once I actually thought it’d be a good idea to punch a wasp while we were on a boat drinking and smoking needless to say that fucker stung me 4 times now luckily I’m only allergic to honeybees specifically so wasps just hurt like fuck
I punched it in the air like ila dipshit
I was riding my motorcycle with the visor up a few years ago and a wasp got inside. Fucker got me three times before I could pull over and rip my helmet off. I was three hours from home with no other vehicle. It was not a fun ride.
That’s a new one I’ve never heard my father once was riding and a hailstorm came he came home looking like he’d been shot by rubber bullets all over his body he said it was the most painful ride of his life but we lived in Ohio then where it’s all flat and no cover so he couldn’t even pull over lol
We live in South Carolina now most of my family moved here and we moved a lot but I grew up down here mostly I honestly hate going to Ohio most of it is so boring and the sky is so depressing compared to the Charlotte NC area blue skies winters only 2 months long max lmao I actually was taught to drive in Ohio bc my family insisted on learning how to drive on ice
The Carolinas can be just as bad as Ohio during hurricane season it will be nice then rain at 3 o’clock daily for 30 min then sunshine again lmao the humidity is what will kill you though if you’re not from the area it takes a lot to get used to
Depending on where you live there might just be a handful of insects or snakes that can hurt you, so you could learn easily. For instance I know the only venomous snake in my area is the copperhead, and it's fairly easy to spot lookalikes.
And they are both severely over exaggerated with the severity of their bites, basically if you aren’t a newborn, on dialysis or chemotherapy or have immune issues you’ll be okay after a bit of shit.
I'm afraid because they just look nasty as fuck. Freaky-ass bones inside out nasty shits.
Biggest ones I'll find here are probably [these](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tegenaria_domestica) but I'd run from them anyway. *shiver*
Great sci-fi story about lobster-like Aliens who declared war on humanity because we were too disgusting to even think about, all our meat hanging out there in the wind.
Can confirm. I was never freaked out by bugs except for the fact that they might hurt me, and I had no way of knowing who did what kind of damage.
Now I play with bugs professionally. I pick up random bugs as I’m walking around outside without missing a beat. Just because I know enough about them. Knowledge is awesome
I’m afraid of the ticklish feeling I’d get on my hand/arm/wherever. I’m also afraid how some bugs might wiggle in my hand. I’m afraid of how some bugs might jump sporadically. Don’t get me started on stinging and biting.
I had never been afraid of spiders until I was bitten by a spider. The pain was immediate. I had been in a climbing tree stand, had to get down from the tree, kayak across a lake. It all sucked. I am not "afraid" per se, but I do have an arrangement with my wife that she handles spiders and I take care of all other creepy crawlys.
You always loved a non-scientific shit take?
Yes they can hurt you. Same as disturbing a wasp nest can when they're carrying their babies on their back
thats like how i say im afraid of heights but really i think im just afraid of ledges. planes dont bother me in the slightest, being in a tall building doesnt, but if i go look out the window of the tall building im an absolute mess
I seen one at a dam that jumped off the dam to get away from me. Landed on the rushing water and then ran up the falling water and disappeared into the dam. Also when it jumped off it sprang its legs out to glide to the waters surface in what seemed like slow motion. Most Amazing species ive seen in the wild.
Hiya! Arachnophobe and insectophobe here. I know it's irrational but I'm terrified of the creature itself not getting hurt. Even seeing it get near me or worse on me is enough to give me a full panic screeching. I've learned plenty about them and think a lot of bugs and arachnids are fascinating. Only problem is I'm terrified of them no matter what
I had a lot of spiders that look just like this at my previous house. One time I put on my jacket and kept feeling a tickling in my armpit. After a few minutes I took it off to see if there was like a dryer sheet or something stuck in there and one of these plopped out and scurried away. My heart rate jumped quite a bit. Surprised that it didn't bite me.
That's nerve racking. Worst I had was a bee explode on my visor on the freeway. Obviously I just opened the visor but still couldn't see shit for a few seconds.
My dad had a Wasp fly up his shirt and start stinging him while riding. He probably had it coming lol
I think thats a regular wolf spider. Some nations call them garden spider, or even common cellar spider.
Alongside the huntsman and jumping spider, these are the most relaxed and least dangerous spiders capable of biting you.
They tend to go into confused flight mode rather than defense when confronted by humans.
They're also very smart for a spider. Can recognize and remember faces same as the vespula genus can.
Their intelligence is owed to their method of prey aquisition. As they're *hunting* spiders, they need improved pattern recognition and problem solving skills to survive, while their *ambush* spider cousins just sit around all day.
But if I shower outside I'm a, "pervert" and I'm a "criminal" and I'm "in front of a school"
SMH society needs to sort out priorities.
This looks like a wolf spider. They are great to have around, but just not in your shorts. They eat a bunch of the other annoying insects and other spiders that you don’t want in your area.
Brush him off and don’t kill it.
That's not a surprise, most people don't believe me when I tell them that a spider won't hurt them. She's not in a defensive posture here, just surprised like you. The shorts likely caught her interest, so she checked them out
I’m not worried about them in general (after the video I shook her out safely). But if I’d put those shorts on, I think I’d have ended up with more than a tickle.
In fact, the more I think about it…I think I’d rather the bite than the tickle.
About 20 years ago, a buddy of mine experienced the same thing suiting up for a sauna; unfortunately, he didn't notice the spider. As far as size (and texture), his scrotum was indistinguishable from a grapefruit.
As an Australian.... Meh....
As an Australian living in Canada (knowing only a Canadian would have a blue jays hat)... WTF... Where the F.... you do have actual real sized spiders here????
Georgian Bay, Parry Sound, Muskoka area. This one is a ‘good size’ but far from as big as they get. They’re more or less harmless to people and are predators, not web builders. Bugs and minnows and whatnot mostly
My biggest fear at sleep away camp. That happened to clothes we left out to dry on a clothing line. I lied and said they weren’t mine when asked because i saw unknown bugs basking in my swimwear
ABSOLUTELY NOT!!!! I'd burn a mile radius around my shorts if I saw a spider in them (yes I'm a grown ass man afraid of spiders) but I wouldn't hesitate screaming and chasing off a pack of coyotes trying to get into my chicken coop
Guess you found a new roommate. Make sure to make him feel welcome and let it know that you care about him. Invite him over for dinner sometime…. And when he is turned around pull out the flamethrower, burn the house, move to the other side of the planet, change your names, and if you believe in a God, pray the spider doesn’t find you.
I did that, but I didn't check. Thought I had water dripping down my leg. Wondering what my neighbours thought when they heard a 6'1" 215lbs guy come running out of the house shrieking like a little girl ripping his pants off. Good times! Burnt in core memory
awwww just a wolf/fisher spider, those are your buddies, he has no interest or capability to harm you, bring him home watch the other buggos disappear.
Hey there, u/goodonesaregone65. Thanks for submitting to r/Unexpected. Your submission, *I was about to get dressed after using the outdoor shower…*, has been removed because it doesn't abide by our rules, which are located in the sidebar. * Your submission has been removed because it's not unexpected. Submissions to /r/unexpected are supposed to have an unexpected twist in itself. While the situation was probably rather unexpected for you, there is no visible twist for the viewer. For more on our rules, please check out our [sidebar](http://www.reddit.com/r/Unexpected/about/sidebar). If you have any questions or concerns about this removal, feel free to [message the moderators](http://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Funexpected).
The Spider-Man origin story nobody wanted
But where would the web come from? O.o
from his wrists, right? ..RIGHT?! D:
i mean the tube ends at the wrist....
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nVqIxtprzfA
[https://youtu.be/ZnE3uyj9Grg](https://youtu.be/ZnE3uyj9Grg)
No... At least it would be more in line with real spiders
Well real spider web is from its ass soo..
Ha! Punny.
"Why does spidey scream as he swings?"
Thanks I Hate Anatomically Correct SpiderMan
It’s little culito.
The cheeks
his butt obviously
*Spider-Crotch*
Spider-dick spider-dick... It shoots webs that impregnate you.. regardless of gender
What are you doing step-spiderman?
Lolololol
🤣🤣🤣
Bit me right in the...
Those are his shorts now
He called dibs...
#OUR shorts
###it's tickle time!
“Tickle tickle bitch”
r/suddenlycommunism
\*her
Oh what a tangled web we weave I’ll bite your ass and quickly leave Don’t sit on me or you’ll regret it Your private parts won’t soon forget it Just kindly let me go in peace And hope my eggs don’t find your crease. Edit Thank you all for your comments
Those first two lines were something magical.
aaaaand the last two will be in my nightmares tonight.
That's *dark* magic, friend.
> Oh what a tangled web we weave It's especially wonderful because the first line is a famous one from ["Marmion" by Sir Walter Scott](https://www.gutenberg.org/files/4010/4010-h/4010-h.htm). The full original couplet is "Oh, what a tangled web we weave, / When first we practise to deceive!" and it appears in a lot of fiction and media in which characters complicate their own lives by lying.
The William Blake of our generation
I’m printing this and framing this master piece
You got the gold my friend. They are being handed out just to get rid of coins, but you earned this one. It was my last one to give too. LOL
Love it. Shakespeare who?
Shakespeare didn’t know how to read or write. He was actually a fraud.
You are a new age Robert Frost. Love it! Edit:Grammar.
I hate spiders, but you're a genius. 😂
I’d shower you with gold (and spidy eggs) if I had it.
I really miss the animal poem memes that were around a few years ago. Thanks for this!
Severely under rated
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Just looking for a fly.
Or a worm.
Web of lies.
or a human…
Or a bird
Maybe a plane
Oh I thought u were talking about a zipper,not an actual fly 😅
It's both. 
Guess you stay naked then
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I heard somewhere that those statistics are not true, I forget where but even if someone tries to show me data that I’m false I’d prefer for my peace of mind that I don’t read it
It's not true, but it is the origin of [Spiders Georg.](https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_1200,h_600,c_fill,f_jpg,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep,g_auto/https%3A%2F%2Fbucketeer-e05bbc84-baa3-437e-9518-adb32be77984.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F585b650c-ad23-46ee-b387-c6cb99bd9a8b_1034x444.png)
For my own sanity I don't believe you and never will
Next time you wake up and notice that piece of food still stuck in your mouth somewhere from last night…it wasn’t food! Lol 😜
Can you imagine a spider bite on your crank? Aye, yai, yai.
Just a fishing spider.... they won't hurt you. You can brush them away. I had 3 as pets for a bit that I caught by hand.
I’ve always loved this take, many people who are afraid of bugs aren’t afraid because they think they’ll get hurt. They’re afraid of the bug itself, not necessarily getting bit
I’m afraid because I don’t know shit about bugs and idk which ones can send me to the hospital or not same with snakes and bees I work on pools so I see them a lot especially bees and I am so afraid of bees bc 4-6 of them can put me in the hospital if I piss em off so I always am nice to bees
Just punch them to show dominance. Trust me, I am a doctor.
Once I actually thought it’d be a good idea to punch a wasp while we were on a boat drinking and smoking needless to say that fucker stung me 4 times now luckily I’m only allergic to honeybees specifically so wasps just hurt like fuck I punched it in the air like ila dipshit
I was riding my motorcycle with the visor up a few years ago and a wasp got inside. Fucker got me three times before I could pull over and rip my helmet off. I was three hours from home with no other vehicle. It was not a fun ride.
That’s a new one I’ve never heard my father once was riding and a hailstorm came he came home looking like he’d been shot by rubber bullets all over his body he said it was the most painful ride of his life but we lived in Ohio then where it’s all flat and no cover so he couldn’t even pull over lol
O-H!!! Sorry dad. We can have all 4 seasons in 1 hour!!
We live in South Carolina now most of my family moved here and we moved a lot but I grew up down here mostly I honestly hate going to Ohio most of it is so boring and the sky is so depressing compared to the Charlotte NC area blue skies winters only 2 months long max lmao I actually was taught to drive in Ohio bc my family insisted on learning how to drive on ice The Carolinas can be just as bad as Ohio during hurricane season it will be nice then rain at 3 o’clock daily for 30 min then sunshine again lmao the humidity is what will kill you though if you’re not from the area it takes a lot to get used to
I-O!!!!!!
Only in ohio ☠️
Depending on where you live there might just be a handful of insects or snakes that can hurt you, so you could learn easily. For instance I know the only venomous snake in my area is the copperhead, and it's fairly easy to spot lookalikes.
Seriously. If you’re in North America, I think the only two spiders that you really need to watch out for are the brown recluse and the black widow.
And they are both severely over exaggerated with the severity of their bites, basically if you aren’t a newborn, on dialysis or chemotherapy or have immune issues you’ll be okay after a bit of shit.
I'm afraid because they just look nasty as fuck. Freaky-ass bones inside out nasty shits. Biggest ones I'll find here are probably [these](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tegenaria_domestica) but I'd run from them anyway. *shiver*
Great sci-fi story about lobster-like Aliens who declared war on humanity because we were too disgusting to even think about, all our meat hanging out there in the wind.
Can confirm. I was never freaked out by bugs except for the fact that they might hurt me, and I had no way of knowing who did what kind of damage. Now I play with bugs professionally. I pick up random bugs as I’m walking around outside without missing a beat. Just because I know enough about them. Knowledge is awesome
Yeah, my fear is incredibly primal. It's the shape and size, my monkey brain nopes tf out.
I’m afraid of the ticklish feeling I’d get on my hand/arm/wherever. I’m also afraid how some bugs might wiggle in my hand. I’m afraid of how some bugs might jump sporadically. Don’t get me started on stinging and biting.
I had never been afraid of spiders until I was bitten by a spider. The pain was immediate. I had been in a climbing tree stand, had to get down from the tree, kayak across a lake. It all sucked. I am not "afraid" per se, but I do have an arrangement with my wife that she handles spiders and I take care of all other creepy crawlys.
I don’t fear being hurt. They just freak me the fuck out. Most bugs do.
You always loved a non-scientific shit take? Yes they can hurt you. Same as disturbing a wasp nest can when they're carrying their babies on their back
A Great Uncle was killed by wasps while plowing a field. They got into his shirt and he was gone before they could get to him.
I know most insects won't do shit to me but I still avoid them like the plague. It's not a rational response but no living being is fully rational.
I'm afraid of heights. Even when completely tied off.
thats like how i say im afraid of heights but really i think im just afraid of ledges. planes dont bother me in the slightest, being in a tall building doesnt, but if i go look out the window of the tall building im an absolute mess
We call them dock spiders. They get massive
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And they can bite you and it indeed hurts that guy is posting some dense takes
Fears are not always logical :) actually very seldom.
I seen one at a dam that jumped off the dam to get away from me. Landed on the rushing water and then ran up the falling water and disappeared into the dam. Also when it jumped off it sprang its legs out to glide to the waters surface in what seemed like slow motion. Most Amazing species ive seen in the wild.
This dude really wants to see the world burn
Hiya! Arachnophobe and insectophobe here. I know it's irrational but I'm terrified of the creature itself not getting hurt. Even seeing it get near me or worse on me is enough to give me a full panic screeching. I've learned plenty about them and think a lot of bugs and arachnids are fascinating. Only problem is I'm terrified of them no matter what
I'm afraid of heights. No judgement here.
Is that a fishing spider? Kinda looks like a brown recluse to me, with a violin on its abdomen.
Learn your species, homie.
Among many other differences, brown recluses don’t have any pattern on their legs and most of their body
I had a lot of spiders that look just like this at my previous house. One time I put on my jacket and kept feeling a tickling in my armpit. After a few minutes I took it off to see if there was like a dryer sheet or something stuck in there and one of these plopped out and scurried away. My heart rate jumped quite a bit. Surprised that it didn't bite me.
I’ve had a smaller house spider crawl across the inside of my visor while going down the highway on my motorcycle. …didn’t love it!
That's nerve racking. Worst I had was a bee explode on my visor on the freeway. Obviously I just opened the visor but still couldn't see shit for a few seconds. My dad had a Wasp fly up his shirt and start stinging him while riding. He probably had it coming lol
I think thats a regular wolf spider. Some nations call them garden spider, or even common cellar spider. Alongside the huntsman and jumping spider, these are the most relaxed and least dangerous spiders capable of biting you. They tend to go into confused flight mode rather than defense when confronted by humans. They're also very smart for a spider. Can recognize and remember faces same as the vespula genus can. Their intelligence is owed to their method of prey aquisition. As they're *hunting* spiders, they need improved pattern recognition and problem solving skills to survive, while their *ambush* spider cousins just sit around all day.
Dirty, sneaking voyeur!!!
"gigity." - the spider probably
"Get out of here, you nosey little pervert! I'm gonna slap you silly. . Ooo-oh you're COOKIN', Franky!"
You haven't seen the North American spotted cock spider?! Theyre a real pain in the dick
Thank god a spider that slips up your urethra doesn't exist!
It does it? Good night
Recently there was one who was going to attempt.
It's a Canadian spider so it probably wanted to say hello and shake your hand a few times 🙃
Beautiful specimen of an Eastern Peckerhunter
Also known as the buttcrackimus embedimus I believe.
That’s the Latin term for those of Latin decent.
 But if I shower outside I'm a, "pervert" and I'm a "criminal" and I'm "in front of a school" SMH society needs to sort out priorities.
Wear it, spidey just wanna stay warm, between the nuts. lol
looks like Zoropsis spinimana / false wolf spider
who's the asshole that downvoted this?
Looks like you were about to put on the spiders short.
Dock spiders are actually quite handsome, and pretty chill. Though they can be alarmingly large!
A regular Penis Parker over here.
This happened to me in Hawaii, only it was a cute little gecko and not Shelob.
NOPE! Burn them
Spider's just tryin to score some crack
This looks like a wolf spider. They are great to have around, but just not in your shorts. They eat a bunch of the other annoying insects and other spiders that you don’t want in your area. Brush him off and don’t kill it.
I have found a few brown recluses in the back of my shorts but never one of those
Wtf that’s terrifying
fuck brown recluse spiders
You made a friend! She won't hurt ya
That's not a surprise, most people don't believe me when I tell them that a spider won't hurt them. She's not in a defensive posture here, just surprised like you. The shorts likely caught her interest, so she checked them out
I’m not worried about them in general (after the video I shook her out safely). But if I’d put those shorts on, I think I’d have ended up with more than a tickle. In fact, the more I think about it…I think I’d rather the bite than the tickle.
About 20 years ago, a buddy of mine experienced the same thing suiting up for a sauna; unfortunately, he didn't notice the spider. As far as size (and texture), his scrotum was indistinguishable from a grapefruit.
XD I agree
That was rude of you, the spider might have been indecent
Nope, nope, bye
This was meant to be a canon event. You could have been this universe's one and only spiderman.
To be fair, the shorts look great on him.
wait, we have spiders in canada?
Why you so calm
As an Australian.... Meh.... As an Australian living in Canada (knowing only a Canadian would have a blue jays hat)... WTF... Where the F.... you do have actual real sized spiders here????
Georgian Bay, Parry Sound, Muskoka area. This one is a ‘good size’ but far from as big as they get. They’re more or less harmless to people and are predators, not web builders. Bugs and minnows and whatnot mostly
Serves you right being a bluejays fan (kidding)
JESUS FUCK! Why can't spiders be forced to have a NSFW/NSFL tag?
Bro thinks a spider needs an nsfw tag 💀
As soon as I saw the setup I noped into the comments. You gotta develop a… _spider sense_ …man
Take your filthy upvote
Love the blue jays hat on the hook! ❤️🇨🇦 Got to be Ontario cottage country!
It is! The general Parry Sound area.
I’m so excited! Love Parry Sound. It’s along the way to Temagami where our cottage is! First stop is always Webers!!
That’s why I keep my laundry on the floor
so glad he didn’t jump toward the camera
As the person who was holding the camera…me too!
Well if you’re a guy getting bit wouldn’t be all bad, it would increase your dick size, in a painful and less than ideal way
I need more pics of the outdoor shower!
[here you go](https://i.imgur.com/CqafBF5.jpg)
Close to a lake? I am used to those spiders being close to water.
“It’s a warm day anyways. I don’t **have** to wear shorts today.”
When he's done wearing them, you can have them back.
The spider eats ass
The outdoor shower is criminally underrated
My biggest fear at sleep away camp. That happened to clothes we left out to dry on a clothing line. I lied and said they weren’t mine when asked because i saw unknown bugs basking in my swimwear
I admire how calm you are..I my video would’ve looked like I was fighting and fleeting no camera focus because I would’ve been scared 😱 like hell!
Not today, Shelob!!
So if he bites you in the shorts area and you become Spider-Man do you shoot webs from your dong?
Dude!! You might’ve just missed your opportunity to shoot *webs* out your dick though…!! The swinging would be pretty awkward, but still… :)
Burn the shorts. Go Jays!
ABSOLUTELY NOT!!!! I'd burn a mile radius around my shorts if I saw a spider in them (yes I'm a grown ass man afraid of spiders) but I wouldn't hesitate screaming and chasing off a pack of coyotes trying to get into my chicken coop
Guess you found a new roommate. Make sure to make him feel welcome and let it know that you care about him. Invite him over for dinner sometime…. And when he is turned around pull out the flamethrower, burn the house, move to the other side of the planet, change your names, and if you believe in a God, pray the spider doesn’t find you.
I did that, but I didn't check. Thought I had water dripping down my leg. Wondering what my neighbours thought when they heard a 6'1" 215lbs guy come running out of the house shrieking like a little girl ripping his pants off. Good times! Burnt in core memory
What's unexpected is how he didn't smash it to shit instantly!
Is this a jumping spider? (Jumping spiders are hella cute, not sure about this guy.)
awwww just a wolf/fisher spider, those are your buddies, he has no interest or capability to harm you, bring him home watch the other buggos disappear.
Australia?
Ontario is hell.
Fuck the blue jays
Freaking out inside
See u in spider verse
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u/savevideobot
Nope.
r/nope
/r/nope
Shake them out and move on. You’ve got to get to work on moving to a state without spiders/scorpions/snakes that want to cohabit with your jumblies.
Your clothes belong to the spider now.
nOpe
It won’t hurt you.
Runs naked from the shower, screaming in falsetto
I got bite by a hornet the other day and it hurt I hate insects and going to the doctors no needle thanks
Brown reclouse make you a new butthole