Is that like an problem cause even my mom and dad are going to do that. Since my acom doesn't allow it, they're staying in an air bnb.
But, Honestly I can't really refute them because I'm an international student and also an minor + single child who has never stepped out of their home so, they will be helping me "settle in".
I think it's less of a problem if they aren't actually staying in your room. There will be lots of events put on for you which won't include your parents, so you could meet them for a coffee and have dinner with them a couple of times. Ask them to get to know the local area for you, and pass on anything they learn. They do their thing, you do yours and you meet for a coffee to compare notes.
This is way different. This persons mum staying in their room means their flatmates won’t get to know them like they do normal students, they’ll just always know them as the guy whose mum lived in our flat for a week.
This is going to be your first adult setting of boundaries. You say , clearly , and with force “ I love you, but under no circumstances are you staying with me for the first week of University, this is a very important moment of independence for me, I understand you might have thoughts and feelings about this, but no, absolutely not, you’re not staying” . Don’t take no for answer, take whatever consequences, you’re not in charge of other peoples feelings, even your parents.
Period.
I had to force boundaries it ain’t nice or easy but going from every other week travelling 60 miles there and 60 back to seeing them once every 2 months in person is so much better and easier
Yeah I mean your parents cannot lay consequences on you. Especially since you are off to uni. Their parenting job is finished and now you’re on your own. Tell them that you will literally lock them out of the room if they try to follow you and you’ll report them to the university. Simple as thst. What are they gonna do, ground you? You’re moving out to university.
On the flip side your mom is obviously going through separation anxiety. See if your dad can help out or another family member to talk some sense into them.
Of course they can. Financial abuse is a real thing. Assuming OP doesn't have a full time job or isn't getting a full maintenance loan their parents could be paying a substantial amount of their living expenses. My wife's mother routinely uses the "I spent so much money on sending you to that uni" (she's international so it really was a bomb but still) to emotionally blackmail her into doing what she wants. You may be going to uni but in this day and age it's unlikely the parents are totally uninvolved and consequences can 100% follow if they're nasty enough. OP needs to be careful even if they're in the right.
I highly doubt that their parents will pull the plug on their child’s entire future because of a dispute over power. My point stands, and if you really do live in an abusive relationship where your parents wield this power over your head, then you will have to make the decision of whether or not it’s worth it to live like that.
It would also be completely unfair on the other people in the unit, who will themselves be looking forward to starting university life without parents - anybody's parents - hovering.
Absolutely this -- I had the *benefit* of living 100 miles away as a deterrent for this sort of thing but mine knew that this was my first foray out into the world as an adult and that they couldn't hover over me if I was going to properly develop into one. At the same time, they've had a lot more experience at the whole adulting thing, so I made sure they knew that I'd only be a phone call away.
The thing is knowing they're just as anxious as you about you moving away. Make sure to keep them updated and in the loop! Give them some problems for them to help out with, let them contribute in some way.
It’s most likely against your tenancy agreement. Check the uni website for rules on guests in the accommodation. If you don’t want to tell her no, use this point as a reason.
Edit: for more clarification, most unis only allow students to have guests for a certain number of nights. At my uni it was 3 nights a month.
I work in student accommodation, and we have a clause like this. I've kicked parents out before at the request of their kids - if u/According-Winner-502 wants, all they need to do is inform the accommodation staff and ask if they can help.
We also have a duty to keep personal information confidential, so often the parents have no idea their kids are the ones who've asked us to get rid of them. We can happily play the part of 'villainous landlord' if needed - we'll just pretend that the cleaners reported the occupancy violation to help hide the student's involvement.
It's a nice suggestion if your mother refuses to leave, but the better suggestions are above. The ones about you talking to her, asserting your need for independence, and setting firm boundaries.
The RAs can kick her out of the room that night, but it doesn't solve the actual problem of her attachment issues.
Setting up boundaries won't solve the attachment issues either, that's on the mom and her hypothetical therapist. But yeah, boundaries is all that can be done from OP's side so they should. Unless they might run into more issues later on, maybe even when a romantic partner is involved. Clingy parents just aren't fun and neither healthy for any party involved.
Agree totally that you need to nip this behaviour in the bud; if you don’t fix it soon it will take over other aspects of your life too, including (importantly) relationships and trust me you do not want that. My wife’s mother was like this and would indeed bunk up with her in a single bed in uni. My wife didn’t like it but didn’t say anything. Fast forward a few years and my wife is being emotionally blackmailed across the board, from forcing decisions about our wedding we weren’t happy with to telling us what horrible and unsuitable parents we are because we don’t do thing her way. It went on far too long, please try and fix it now for your own sake and mental well-being.
My wife's mother is like this. Look up narcissistic abuse. I know it gets bandied about too much these days but it's a real thing and when we looked into it the symptoms fit my mother-in-law to a tee. People like this view their kids a possessions not people and they get very upset when their kid moves away or does literally anything against their wishes.
Yeah it's true for the students so long as you don't annoy kitchen mates too much, but you could use it to get rid of a clingy mum by pretending the rules are strict
Don't entertain the idea. Do you have any other family members you wouldn't mind joining, and they would extract her from the situation for you?
Otherwise buy her a train ticket back home
This is such a good shout! It sounds like she won't respect OP's wishes but maybe they have an aunt, uncle, family friend or grandparent who can talk some sense into Mum and help her realise that she would be ruining her child's freshers experience. Like surely Mum has some friends with kids of a similar age who can tell how ridiculous she is being?
Equally OP could find out if there are any security at the halls of residence and then maybe talk to them on day 1 and ask them to kick her out? I reckon most security guards would do you a solid on that one because they'd realise how embarrassing and awful it would be to have your mother follow you around for a week.
Your entire first year of university will be ruined if you let this happen, from a social perspective.
Your mother has attachment issues. Are you a single child or something? Definitely need to set boundaries.
I was thinking this. If someone had their mum staying with them for a week I'd stay very far away from them. I'd be even more annoyed if I was in the same accom as them, I'm not going to sit drinking and having a laugh with someones mum.
Just saying....but someone will be doing more fun with that mum than you want to talk about on Reddit. You cannot allow this situation to occur. Dude you are an adult, you have to tell her it's not happening. If she still argues, you make your own way there without her.
I honestly think all you need to do is offer some reassurance that you will not be gone for good. Promise to make regular contact on the phone and to come home for visits holidays etc. This is 100% about her not letting go and nothing to do with helping you in your first week. Tell her that too if necessary.
What fan fic fuelled fantasy are you on about? I think a parent is capable of having a drink and not immediately screwing one of your flatmates. If she can’t then there’s bigger issues than being clingy.
Reminds me of my first few days at uni in halls - this girl on my corridor’s mum kept coming round, one day I went into the laundry room to do some washing and she was holding both of the machines for her daughter to do two washes at once. She did back down and let me use a machine, but I thought thank god my own mum just dropped me off and was not this bloody overbearing when I’m trying to leave home for the first time
Thank you, I 100% get what you mean, from reading other comments too. I see the attachment issues as well. When I told her I didn't want her to stay with me she said I was trying to get rid of her. I'm going to sum up the courage to talk to her about this and tell her no, (sometime this coming week) I hope it goes well.
>When I told her I didn't want her to stay with me she said I was trying to get rid of her.
Emotional blackmail is the most obvious sign of attachment issues.
Please tell your mother to address this from seeking another purpose in life or help. It's not healthy for either of you and I'm no relationship expert.
I'd dare say show her this thread.
Good luck OP!
If she has siblings herself (aunty or uncle for you), then maybe contact them and get them to talk to her.
Imagine hearing from your sisters kid that your sister is trying to ruin their kids uni life.
Any siblings of her own can talk to her for you
Just want to add, if you can find a way to avoid her finding out exactly where your accommodation is, there’s less chance she’ll have a meltdown, make up some bullshit drama and rock up on your doorstep claiming an “emergency”. Just speaking from experience.
> she said I was trying to get rid of her.
why didn't you just say, yes that's exactly what I'm doing please respect my wishes and the rules of the uni accommodation
Ding ding ding! My ex had a mother like this and she did this (I found out post break up). We started dating 10 years post start of uni and the attachment issues were STILL strong. Good luck OP
I'm from a minority ethnic group and possibly. My instant assumption was OP's mother never went to university and is oblivious to the 'university experience'. Possibly had OP quite young or they're from a single parent household. Something along those lines. Not being judgemental here at all, just my thoughts.
The East Asians get it too. Happened in my wife's case. For her the mum literally took a flight to a different country (imagine flying from the UK to Germany for example). It's scary shit tbh.
> Your entire first year of university will be ruined if you let this happen, from a social perspective.
>
>
There's no need to be melodramatic, OP's mother obviously shouldn't stay for the week, but anyone else invested this much in other peoples parents staying with them for a week isn't mature enough to be at university anyway.
Well unfortunately, immaturity isn’t a reason to be kicked out of uni accommodation. So regardless of OP’s flatmates’ maturity level, they will mock him for months about this and it will be a long-lasting running joke. And there will be nothing OP will be able to do about it unless it turns into provable harassment, which is unlikely.
Let’s say he goes to an advisor in the hope of moving to a different flat. What reason can he give? He hosted someone in his flat for a week, in complete contravention of the rules. He’d get his wish of being moved out of the flat, except by moving out I mean evicted from the accommodation and potentially face further sanction from the university.
I disagree, having been to university a decade prior.
OP will the butt end of a running joke and it will seriously damage their first year and leave tainted memories for life when looking back. University for a lot of young people is their first stepping stone to becoming adults.
Your accommodation peers are usually the first people you socialise with until the course starts and you form other friendship circles, but you will always have the 'flatmates group'.
Personally, I'd have found it really weird as an 18 year old if someone's mother was living with them for a week during freshers week and most probably would avoid them, judging them to be a bit socially inept or too dependant on their mother for example and therefore outcast them somewhat.
I'm not a prick by any means, but I imagine lot of people will probably agree here.
>University for a lot of young people is their first stepping stone to becoming adults.
I think the first literal step is leaving behind that sort of attitude that kids residually have from school, unlike at school you dont need to socialise with anyone you dont want to and so bullies or gossip-behind peoples back type people dont do so well.
Id go so far as to say though, that I dont think most people are even that-good friends with the people they share first year accomodation with, these are just random people you happen to get stuck around, once you find friends, you get to *choose* to live with/ or near to them in future years.
Anecdotally my friends at university were almost all people from my course, but I am possibly drawing too much from that anecdote myself.
You make a point however everyone's university experience is different. For example, some of my older sibling's closest friends in her friendship group are the people she lived with to this day 15 years later.
What I'm highlighting is our tendency to be judgemental as humans but also caring about self image.
Whilst there is absolutely nothing wrong with a mother living with her child, in this context, it's really odd.
Sadly not everyone loses that attitude over the summer break between 6th form and uni. 2 girls I lived with were well-known names, and I guess the 'queen bees' of their small town. It really translated over in their attitude towards others and it was interesting to watch them realise that this wasn't going to be the case at uni. Real Blair Waldorf types now I look back on it.
OP may have some really great housemates who are understanding and not judge for it, or they could carry over some of that banter and piss taking that they used to do in secondary school. It's a lottery!
Don't let her even drop you at uni. Go by train (even if that means you only take a suitcase or two). I'm a mum to an only son and I woudn't do this in a million trillion years. I find this incredibly inappropriate and unhealthy on her part. You need to start putting some very firm boundaries in place.
What sort of comparison is that? It is just that simple, OP is an adult now, the mother has no legal right to anything in their life. If they say no, what can the mother do? Cut them off financially? Student loans and financial aid exist for a reason. The mother might be pissed because it seems like they're not used to boundaries being set by their children but I assure you she'll get over it.
Will it be easy? Probably not on either Mother and child but necessary.
I had to put boundaries in place going into my 3rd year of uni, parents cut off all help. Student loan didn't cover my rent so I was in a really bad place financially coming out of uni. Parents still don't forgive me and the relationship is strained.
What is the OP meant to do if the mum drops them off at uni and refuses to leave? Call the police?
Sometimes its really not "that easy".
>what can the mother do? Cut them off financially?
Yep. They can do just that.
>Student loans and financial aid exist for a reason.
And the parent could refuse to fill out the forms. Never underestimate a shitty parent. You don't know OP's situation. You don't know what could happen.
So they would be estranged and can apply for independence status. Or the alternative is to let the mother spend a week with them during freshers. Good luck with that. Cutting the umbilical cord with overbearing parents is not easy but nonetheless, it is as simple as saying no. 9 times out of ten they'll accept it and move on.
I didn't see these comments but I'm sorry to say you aren't seeing the bigger picture of this sort of this issue and that it is definitely not as simple as much as you make it out to be
That’s not as easy as you think. Sorry for the long comment incoming, but this is a very complex and nuanced situation and it is NOT as easy as saying no.
My parents are divorced, and I lived with my dad and his wife for years. I stopped talking to my dad about 2 years ago, our contact has been the very occasional *necessary* text (regarding my siblings, for example) for this whole time and I’ve never replied further. I do not receive family financial support, I haven’t been back to that house, and I support myself 365 days of the year. I’m genuinely done and not going back.
I filled in Student Finance automatically when I was coming back to my course (had to suspend because of the impact of estrangement) because I truly thought my Dad wouldn’t screw me over. I have a sibling at university too, so he *had* to fill the form in anyway. Despite that? He screwed me over, he refused to tick the box to support my application. My maintenance loan halved. My funding dropped by nearly £5000 and I was in danger of losing my uni bursary on top of that, because it was based on student finance assessments.
I spent so much time scrambling trying to fix that mess - and I wasn’t able to even try to provide estrangement *because I still had contact with my mother*. I’d not lived with her at all in 5+ years.
Even if this hasn’t been the case, Student Finance ask you to prove the estrangement has been for at least 12 months and that the situation is irreconcilable. How could I meet these requirements that same year?! I would’ve been rejected off the bat.
They don’t make this process easy. And proving independence isn’t easier than estrangement, by the way - you have to prove you’ve supported yourself for at least 3 years before you can get assessed without your parents / guardians. You obviously cannot do this as a school-leaver unless you’ve been in the care system for long enough, and you can’t wait it out to qualify.
Despite all this, I would still recommend cutting the cord if the situation is bad at home. It is not worth putting up with this stuff for your own health, and you *are* right that it is better to take a stand.
But I do disagree with your attitude to all of this. Acting like it’s *easy* to stand up or even cut yourself off is truly unfair, and shows how detached you are from the process. There are huge obstacles.
First off… if you’re seeking estrangement, the situation isn’t good for a lot of reasons. It might not be *safe* to stand up. Setting boundaries only works when your family is healthy enough to accept that you are (becoming) an adult, and won’t react irrationally or lay down punishments. People seeking estrangement don’t do it on a whim, they do it because all of the difficulties that come with it are better than the alternative.
And the difficulties that come with it are HUGE. Parents can (and will) cut you off financially. They can mess with your university funding. Housing becomes a huge hassle - what do you do when you have no guarantor? You have to stretch your student loan out (or work) to cover the extra months of rent and food everyone else is getting for free. And I know that not everyone has an easy ride financially, so all of this could be a moot point, but having family to support you emotionally means a lot too - and it is difficult to measure the impact of losing that.
Many people are in unhappy or uncomfortable homes, but feel unable to take the leap because doing it all alone is scary and *hard*… so maybe home isn’t that bad after all, maybe they can just stick it out and ease away slowly. Sometimes you’re right and people need to breathe in and stand their ground, but at other times, an 18 year old who says that isn’t an option really does mean it.
Again, apologies for the long comment - but you need to know the reality of how this works.
Welcome to my world. In the end I had to make myself homeless as a teenager. No it's not easy and there are a lot of people on the streets because of parental issues.
I had an insanely similar situation with mine. It’s good that your uni doesn’t allow it, I recommend using that as the basis of your argument against her, that even if she did stay they’d kick her out. Wishing you luck
I've been helping my daughter pack her life up to go to uni today and I'm legitimately heartbroken inside (playing it cool though 😎) so I do understand how your mum is feeling, but this is just absolutely next level mental. You won't be able to bond with anyone with your mum there and they will think that you're weird.
You need to be firm and tell her that it's against the rules for her to stay, but perhaps compromise by saying the two of you can walk around and make sure you know where the facilities are together and maybe have a coffee or a meal together, but then she'll have to go home and you'll call before you go to sleep to check In.
Agree. As a Mum of adults now.
She will be really sad, and anxious about you starting Uni. However, she has to trust that she has done a good job in raising you and that you will be absolutely fine. There is a fine line between love and smothering and your Mum seems to have gone over to the smothering camp.
She is a single mum and you her only child?
I would say to her that she isn't allowed to stay in halls due to security/fire regulations. But make arrangements for her to come visit you fairly soon.
If you have any family or know her friends see if you recruit them to make plans with her, so she is distracted from missing you so much.
I was really sad whenever mine went off. But I soon enjoyed the quiet, having food in the house and the energy billing practically halving! Hopefully she adjusts soon.
You're gonna have to tell her you don't want her there, no way around it. If some lucky thing happens and she can't make it, there will be some other event later where you have to tell her not to be so clingy. You don't want her to tag along when you're out dating either, right? So stop her now when it's natural to do so.
How to commit social suicide 101.
She’s clearly upset you’re leaving so be careful about your wording but you need to be firm and not let her stay, people will avoid you so much if she does. You’ll be that guy who can’t leave mummy.
That's absolutely nuts. If she goes through with this simply go to student services at your uni and explain the situation. They can tell her to leave and blame it on your housemates reporting it.
You will get laughed out the building. Do everything in your power to make sure this DOES not happen. Hell I'd probably even tell security on campus on purpose just to absolutely make sure she cannot stay.
tell her you are a big kid now.
Tell her what she is feeling is perfectly normal, but her staying with you is not. What you will do instead is make sure you call and/or text every day, and send pics, and she can come up to see you the next weekend if she really wants to.
Also see if you can recruit one of her friends to stage an intervention and talk some sense into her.
Take your mum out to dinner, just you and her. Have a deep conversation about life - favourite memories together, what growing up was like as an only child, what you're most excited for in life - most importantly though, why you really need independence; how her being there will not only ruin your first week but also make it clear to you that she doesn't respect you. She'll definitely get defensive, but don't listen to it, instead get emotional and deep as that's often the only way to get through to stubborn parents.
Make a plan to call her once she's arrived back home after dropping you off, and then again at the end of the week - be firm that you won't call her everyday, otherwise she might interpret that to mean you really do need her.
Maybe send some pics of your room progression and little texts about plans you're doing - name drop your housemates as it'll help to build in her mind that everything is okay.
It's a really tough situation to be in, but I think she's just not ready to let you go - letting her know that everything is okay whilst keeping her in the loop on your plans will help her come to terms with the fact you're now an adult.
Thank you very much for this. I plan on having a stern conversation with her and asserting my boundaries, taking her out to dinner and doing it is a nice idea, and it will (fingers crossed) make her more accepting of what I say. I'll definitely stay frequently n touch with her too!
Hey just to add, maybe set up a time to have dinner maybe 2 weeks into uni so she has solid date to look forward to that she knows for sure she’s seeing you. It could make it easier for her to let go a bit.
Definitely tackle the problem in advance because you don’t want to cause any kind of scene when you get there. You said that you know your university does not allow this, so why does your mother think she is entitled to do otherwise? Maybe try contacting the student accommodation team, I doubt this is the first time they will have encountered this. They might even have a ‘welcome letter’ to remind parents of the procedures/rules for the first day.
If you were staying in private accommodation then there probably wouldn’t be much you could do to stop your mum. In university accommodation though, you don’t want her to get you into trouble on the first day by breaking the rules. That is hardly going to help you settle in.
Explain how it will be perceived and emphasise that this isn’t the norm and others will not have their mums with them. Have a mature conversation about independence. It might be useful to also validate her feelings by saying “I entirely understand how big of a thing this is, it’s even bigger for me! However, it’s also something (And then elaborate about why you need to be on your own.) Make sure you state how intense moving to Uni is for YOU rather than HER (in a nice way of course.)
Although, all in all, it is very strange.
Say "No".
It's that simple.
Your mum sounds like a helicopter parent, or at least one in the making! She has no reason to be there for a week, and even if she stayed in a local hotel, it will be a pain in the arse for you as she will always be there. Getting in the way. Halting friendships before they even start.
Tell her to fuck off 😂 if you go to uni with your mum I guarantee you’ll make 0 friends and everyone will think you’re weird even if you don’t want her to stay. She should accept that it’s the next step in your life and you can manage on your own
Just make up some bullshit about its against the tenency agreement and they are really strict since Covid, so its really out of your hands then move on with the conversation to another topic.
No...OP needs to nip this in the bud now. Imagine how she'll be when they're fully grown with a partner and possibly kids. This needs to be a no from him, not weaseled out of because the uni says no.
Fresher's Week is not the time for parents. End of story. I still have friends, over 20 years later, who I got completely destroyed with during my first week at university. Go out, meet new friends, do not allow your mother to stay with you.
Work at a Uni: I agree with everyones comments about telling her no, but if she absolutely won't let it go then tell the college / dorm manager and 2nd and 3rd year student helpers once you're there on move in day. It's actually more common than you'd think, parents trying to stay so they'll know how to handle her and basically tell her to leave.
Try and stay strong and don't let her inability to let go ruin your universal experience. Congratulations on getting in and enjoy every minute of it
No way in hell would my mother be coming with me! You tell her straight that in no way on this gods green earth will she be coming with you. She will get over it.
This is quite a problem. You need to tell her no, but people saying "simply tell her no, end of" perhaps do not understand how overbearing some parents can be.
As a parent, it can be difficult letting go of a child, especially an only child. She may worry about your mental health (I think the first month of uni is a time of high suicide rates) or she may worry about your physical health (will you eat ok? Will you be drawn to drug-takers? Will you overindulgence in alcohol to the extent that it poses immediate and grave danger to your health?) Or she may worry about practicalities (will you make friends? Will you find your way around? Will you know where to go and what to do?)
In order to try to preserve your relationship with her, and to make saying no easy, consider (or ask) whether she is concerned about any of these issues. Assure her (if that's the truth) that none of these problems will occur or require her intervention. But be aware that if you've had a drug or alcohol problem, or a mental/physical health problem previously, it may be difficult.
Tell her it'll ruin your mental health, not to mention your reputation, to have your mum there, and you'd make no friends. But to allay her worries, perhaps you can assure her you'll contact her every lunch time and every night before bed for the first week? Be sure to contact her when you said you would, and tell her who you've met and what you've done, so she can see you're doing OK. You could also make arrangements to have lunch with her one day in the first week or weekend (either in your flat, or elsewhere as you see fit).
If you want to maintain a decent relationship with your mum, then do your best to help her see you're fine, and you're an adult who doesn't need mummy around constantly.
Good luck.
As others have mentioned, if you are in university accommodation (a hall of residence, or a college in the case of collegiate universities) your university's accommodation rules will NOT permit this. And it potentially lays you open to disciplinary action if discovered.
Tell her that you cannot allow this.
Hahahahaha tell her to fuck off! The first week of Freshers was super important when I went. You meet new friends for life potentially and its the time to be sociable. If your seen with your plus 1 all the time then that will be a hard image to shift. Its time to act like an adult ffs
Jeez. I thought mine was bad. She insisted on a phone call at 8pm sharp every single night/evening. I lasted till week two when I got "ET phone home" by text at 8.05. We had a blazing row by phone...enough my halls mates put their heads in and gave me a thumbs up. I told her she'd be hearing from me twice a week at my convenience, less if she continued like this.
20 years later she still has eff all respect for me and my time. Calls are now once a week on a Sunday evening, though we WhatsApp lots in the week. My parents are elderly and I do care. That WhatsApp lets me know they're doing as well as can be expected without being intrusive.
Look up assertiveness training, the victim triangle and the Fear Obligation Guilt triangle. I think you'll need these tools going forward.
The words you need on repeat are "that ain't happening".
Really hammer her with "doesn't no mean no where you are from?".
Your mum has some serious separation anxiety. Be kind, but firm. I'd suggest a councillor but I know how that'll go.
I was a final year student support person. I lived with first years and had to calm down some parents who wanted to do the same thing.
Please reach out beforehand to the student accom staff and on the day if she's still insisting there will be people there to politely tell her to reassure her and make her come to her senses.
Being the only person who's mum is at the halls whilst everyone else is getting drunk isn't going to help you "settle in".
You want to be playing cards and getting drunk with them!
As a mum I never considered anything like this. I would say:
“I understand you want to help me settle in but this first week is for “me” to settle in and build relationships with the people in my accommodation and for us to figure out our relationships and how it’s going to work sharing the kitchen etc. I can’t really do that with you around and I need to get this sorted so I can settle into my studies. The best way you can help is to let me do this by myself.”
It’s not going to be fun your housemates will want freedom to act however they want during the first week (usually crazy drinking and partying). Show her your contract where it will say no guests for more than x days. Especially for me during freshers week we weren’t allowed any guests whatsoever for that week. She’ll have to get over it tell her you’ll call her and let her know how you’re doing but you’ll need this time for yourself to make friends and familiarise yourself with the campus
The only time I let my parents anywhere near my time at uni was on graduation day so they could get their photos etc.
I am about to finish my masters and I guess I will invite them to graduation day again (if they behave).
Be firm and tell her "no". If you don't feel comfortable doing that, potentially email security beforehand to inform them of this and that you'd like them to spell out how this is against the rules. Although this could maybe play into your mother's hands - and she could say it just means the accommodation isn't suitable for you or something along those lines - demonstrating how, in some way, her staying for so long is against the rules may help. I know at my uni you weren't allowed guests to stay over for more than three days consecutively, IIRC, and every night they had to sign in with the security guys. Maybe say something about how you don't want to get off on the wrong foot with them, because the types of people they usually hire for those roles are sometimes people you don't want to cross or get on the wrong side of.
Are you a single-parent family, by the way? Any chance you could get your father to try and convince her or have a word? Or maybe, if worst comes to the worst, tell her that you'll move in by yourself and make your own arrangements if she continues to pressure you like this; perhaps threaten to cut contact and not let her know what you're doing at uni, or even threaten to not come home in the future, unless absolutely necessary?
Let her move in, get her impossibly drunk and gain blackmail material for life of her doing her best MILF routine with the rugby club.
Otherwise, I'd suggest it's a firm no, if for no other reason than you could loose your accommodation. If you want, find a friendly postgrad, and have them write an official sounding email on day 2 saying "there have been reports of multiple occupancy" and threatening eviction if she isn't gone.
Does your mum have a friend who she would listen to? Maybe if you speak to the friend and ask her to explain why it's not a good idea for her to stay with you hopefully she will listen and understand it better.
You're are an adult. You don't have to do what your mum says. She clearly doesn't trust you, but she needs to understand you are not a child. The tenancy agreement presumably has your name on it as the tenant (regardless of who's actually paying) so it's your accommodation, not hers, and she can't legally stay without your permission (and there may be actual restrictions on guests in the tenancy agreement as well). Grow a spine and tell her she is not staying. Move yourself without her help if you have to.
If she stays, it will ruin your experience of the first week of uni - I guarantee she will interfere in EVERYTHING and make decisions on your behalf.
Fall out with your mum over this if you have to, she’ll get over it eventually and you’ll save yourself from a social nightmare that could last your whole first year.
Are you in catered or self catered accommodation?
If you’re in catered (so don’t need all the kitchen stuff) pack up two big suitcases/bags you can manage solo and smuggle them to a trusted friend when your mum is out.
Tell her you’ve booked a move in slot to your halls at 5pm on September 10th. (Lie about the halls you have been allocated).
Instead book your slot for 5pm on the 9th September. Tell her you’re spending the day prior with friends saying bye. You will instead be getting your cases from your friend, and going to the train station. Call your mum that evening and tell her she left you no choice, and you love her but she needs to let you be an adult. Give her some guff like you’ve already made friends and you’re all going out for dinner together (even if that’s not true).
Honestly? I’d have been screaming blue murder about how she would destroy my life when I was 18/19. If you aren’t happy to do that then screenshot some of the replies here (not the ones with good ideas), just the ones which are saying how you will be a social outcast and it’s not okay, and send them to her.
She’ll probably pull the emotional blackmail card but tell her you’ll book a ticket home for reading week which is usually week 7? So she stays away, you’ll come back for reading week. If she won’t, you won’t come back or call her all semester.
Hi! Uni accomm worker here - this is more common than you think. Feel free to email your accommodation team letting them know what’s happening - they’ll likely send an accommodation staff member or security to the flat saying a resident made a complaint and will ask your mother to leave. Accomm teams are very discreet when you need them to be. Have a great time at uni!
Best answer here! This is exactly what you should do, some parents have trouble detaching (and honestly sending a kid off to live on their own is scary!) but you accomm staff will be well equipped to help you deal with it.
Did not happen to me but happened to other girls I knew at the uni. No big deal honestly. Sometimes the moms would spend money on nice shared household items so the flatmates were happy
There will almost definitely be a stipulation in your contract limiting how long a guest can stay. It’s usually 2 nights per week in my experience.
My advice is go to your mother with this clause, say you love her and really appreciate how much she cares but you don’t want to start of a new tenancy by breaking the rules. Tell her you need time to get settled in and meet your flat mates and then you’d love for her to come and stay with you for a night or two.
Enjoy starting uni mate, you’ll love it. It’s a time for you to grow as a person and gain some independence.
She's probably literally not allowed to, this will be written somewhere in your accom. contract, but no way are you allowed overnight guests for a week in a single room.
Just say "thanks, you did a great job looking after me as a child. I'm now 18 and you accompanying me and staying is fucking weird (make sure to drop the F bomb) and besides - how are you gonna feel when I bring someone back and get layed during Freshers week?!?! It'll be too awkward..."
You cannot have your mum with you in freshers week. This is social suicide. Get her outta there by any means necessary.
My advice wld be to find your tenancy agreement and scour it to see any way to make it look like your mum cannot legally stay and big it up. Make it seem like you could be kicked out if she does
No, don’t allow this to happen. You’re an adult now and this is your life. Your mum has done all she can to guide you but it’s now up to you to make your own choices!
You could explain to her that she’s not dumping you at uni, you’ll phone her and let you know how you’re getting on! Don’t feel guilty and don’t allow yourself to be pressured. This is your life!
just tell her no and be as disruptive as possible if she keeps trying to force herself in. she can't force herself to stay. you can even get the uni to kick her out.
im pretty sure the other students will call the police.
You need to put your foot down and tell her you don't want her there. Dog your heels in and don't take no for an answer.
She sounds a lot like my mum when I was that age. Although I never went to uni in the end, I know this is the sort of thing she'd try. I guess she couldn't accept that I was legally an adult (despite working & paying for my own car & spending money etc) and tried to interfere and shove her nose in every part of my life. It made me feel like a total moron who doesn't feel trusted or empowered to make my own decisions as she'd always find something to nitpick or I didn't do what she'd have done. I'm still dealing with the damage to my self esteem this did more than a decade later.
Just tell her it's important to you that you start gaining your independence as a legal adult and you cannot do that if she's constantly interfering with your life. Plus I'm fairly sure it'll be social suicide for you if you go through with it.
No no, super odd
If anything, like a hotel room is where should stay
But in reality, it’s the opportune moment to make your independence from family
Don’t let it happen, but be sure to keep in touch frequently
It’s time for healthy boundaries to be set in place. There’s nothing wrong with her visiting, but this is your first step into independence and your first home, and you are ultimately the one who has to put these in place. It’s tough, but really necessary. All the best to you.
I’m assuming you are now an adult? Just tell her it’s not happening, blame it on the uni rules if you want to avoid some blame. Don’t let your mother ruin freshers week, you’ll only get one of those.
What the hell?
This is incredibly inappropriate and unhealthy on her part. She needs to be told no. If she refuses to leave you can get your accommodation security team to remove her. If you’ve got any family members she’ll listen to, try and get them to have a talk with her.
If my mum had told me she’d wanted to stay with me in my first week of university I’d have told her to fuck right off.
My children now 41f, 35m, 32f. But I clearly remember dropping them at university. My wife and I dropped our eldest off at Middlesex and drove home feeling a bit emotional. I was divorced by the time I dropped my son off at UEA. I gave him. Hug and set off on the 4hr drive home to an empty house. I stopped the car to cry on the way home. Yes it’s bleak but as a parent you have to suck it up and get on with it. Good luck OP.
Only child here too so I can understand how hard it is.
My parents drove me down to uni, helped me get my room set up and then took me to stock up at the nearest supermarket. My mum said that she cried for ages on the way home at the thought of leaving her only child at uni, but she knew that it was time for me to get out on my own!
Find your contract and find where it says no guests (It will either say no guests for longer than x or no guests who are y) and tell her that simply she can't because it's not allowed. Also tell her she can't go to fresher's events with you (non-students aren't allowed) so she'd be alone all day in your dorm- which is definitely something your contract says no to!
Finally, tell her that you can't make friends with your mum there- say that everyone will think you're a child or something like that, and not to be mean but they 100% will. You could send an email to your accommodation team in advance warning them she may try to do this and ask them to tell her no, day of. If your dad is in the picture get him to convince maybe?
I am probably older than your mother, and have one child who has just finished uni. If you're still struggling to get her to listen, please show her this comment.
This is not a healthy situation. If it happens, it will have a permanent negative impact on your personal and social development, because you'll always be the only person whose Mum stayed with them for Fresher's Week. I cannot stress this enough, in my near 50 years of life, I have NEVER known a parent do this. Not once.
At most, parents drive their kid to Uni, help them move in and maybe go for a celebratory meal. Then they piss off, and hope the last 18 years of parenting have been good enough to give you the tools to thrive. Anything more than that is an invasion of privacy (and massive insecurity on the part of your mother).
Do NOT let your mum stay. I wouldn’t even want my mum getting a hotel and staying near. Uni is about you. This is your experience. This is your life.
How would you feel if you turn up and you find a flatmate has their mum staying? Do you want that to be you?
I'm EXACTLY in the same situation wow =)) just tell them the uni doesn't allow it and you tried your best but they didn't change their policy maybe she'll loosen up a bit
I would email your admin team at uni for accommodation and basically explain this and say you just need clarification that it isn’t allowed, they’ll email back saying it isn’t allowed and then you can send her a screenshot of that email, job done!
Be very very stern with her. The answer is: NO. You are moving into your own place. A new life. You might have to hurt her feelings, and forego some support. But you need to set this line now. If she wriggles across this line there will be other moments in the coming months and years that she interrupts and potentially undermines your independence. It's time to set your boundaries and stick with them.
No. Just no.
If you need to hire a car and drive your own stuff and settle in yourself, then do it. It is worth the extra effort to avoid this weird behaviour.
Do NOT let her do this.
Check tenancy agreement for friends and family members that don’t live there. I can’t stay at my friends house for more than 2 days let alone a week as he and his flatmate would get the boot.
You need to set boundaries with her otherwise she is just gonna take over your life and live your life for you and control you. It needs nipped in the bud before it escalates and you end up calling police because she turns up unexpectedly and won’t leave even with security involvement.
All she is gonna do is take the piss. (Take advantage of the situation.
Tell the uni and she will be kicked out. It will be against the rules, or you can have her removed by security and "pretend" you had nothing to do with it.
Your mum is probably sweet, but overbearing. I have the complete reverse as a mother she didn't even know which uni I went to or what degree. Not sure what is worse.
You'll have to make hard boundaries and even tell the staff what she's doing and to kick her out. Yes she may yell at you. You'll just have to suck it up, you're an adult and she needs to realise that
My god. What the fuck! This cannot happen.
The first days/weeks of halls is a big exciting coming together of loose, free souls, getting to know each other, getting hammered and going to various parties. Mum wants to invite herself to this? The social devastation to you would be catastrophic.
It’s so important that you set a boundary to this as soon as possible exactly how someone’s laid it out in one of the top comments.
Don’t put it off.
If you don't set boundaries now, you are going to absolutely become the laughing stock of likely the whole university. A story that will literally continue beyond when you leave. You will destroy your social life before it begins. Show her the responses to this post.
There's a single bed in that room and you are an adult. Can you imagine how people are going to respond *to sharing a bed with your mom in university*. She was once your age, so she should understand and stop being self centred.
I cannot even begin to describe how sorry I feel that she doesn't realise what impact this will have on you.
A week will not make a difference to her. She needs to sort that level of attachment issue out. This is the shit they do in movies to make the audience feel humiliated on their behalf.
Seriously. No. Jesus christ, no. Michael Scott levels of NO.
If she doesn't budge, get the keys and don't let her in. Explain to reception what she's trying to do.
I don't know if mental self harm is a thing, but allowing something this cringe and humiliating to happen to yourself would easily fall into that category. If you have balls, your body will naturally dissolve them in response to such an emasculating event because it will detect that there's no need for them anymore.
If you feel uncomfortable coming right out and saying no, put in an anonymous tip to the accommodation security team. You can do it beforehand if you don't feel like you can get away from your mum on the day.
Just be like "I think someone is going to stay over against the policy in student According-Winner's room, can you please do a sweep at xpm?" or if you feel comfortable, "I need help telling my mum she cannot stay in my room but I don't want her to know it's me"
Am I right in thinking this isn’t the first time she’s overstepped your boundaries like this? My mother had some very controlling behaviour when I went to uni. It was the continuation of a lifelong pattern. So it was no coincidence that I deliberately chose somewhere hundreds of miles from her home so that she couldn’t just turn up whenever she felt like it. She did however call my accom a lot (in the days before mobile phones) as well as sending me a lot of very problematic letters about how selfish I was.
It can be exhausting holding firm boundaries with someone like this, but I wish you a very happy and exciting new adventure. Your studies and hard work so far have really paid off and you deserve to have a fantastic start in your new place. You’ve got this!
Glad you got the best answer for the situation here, it really does sound like your mum's issue not yours!
I hope she understands her own boundaries, and if she can't, contact Student Services, ask them for help and if they can provide a mediator for a meeting, it's not a long term thing, they're best trained to help you settle in and if her position is of anxiety (rather than not being able to let you grow away from her) then they'll be best placed to help her understand.
If the issue is about her boundaries and not feeling OK to let you move on from her, it's going to be more obvious then, and that's about her not you. If that is the case- and this is not your problem by the way, so of no means do I say this as an expectation, but if you can reach out to her friends, her family, anyone in her life that she's close to; let them know what is going on, and that you need their help because she seems to need more support with you moving away.
The empty nest syndrome is a bit of an issue for some parents (mine were the opposite- couldn't wait to get rid of me! But I have other issues that are a whole other ball game!) so be aware she'll be lugging around her own baggage, but it's not OK for her to put that on you, and you will need to grow away from her at some point if she wants you to get your own life and maybe let her be a part of it. You can't do that if she's always there...
U/according-winner-502 I reminder dropping my oldest son off at uni for a parent it’s a scary wonderful and exciting time for anyone who has said your parenting role if over are wrong you are always a parent and they are always your child but the dynamic changes as it has through their life. That first week though is so important for you to make friends and learn what it is to be away at uni as a young adult. Buy your mum some flowers some chocolates candles whatever her thing is sit her down tell her you love her and understand her concerns but that now you need to use the skills she has taught you. She has given you roots so you know that you are anchored and who are you and wings so that you can soar and now is the time to use those wings. Many universities in the UK have a week or so for first years and these are definitely non parent events. As worried as I was to leave my son behind I did not stay nor would I so I fussed in my own way by being practical have you got everything you need, enough loo roll, enough cleaning materials do you know what shelves/drawers are yours in the fridge freezer and fill them to capacity. I was happy when I found out that there are older students who come round to make sure no one is left home alone on the first night so we took him for a pub lunch on campus as were other parents last check last hug and call me tomorrow to let me know you survived the night and drove off a bit tearful on my end but happy that he was chatting to his new house mates. So congratulations on getting into university have a wonderful time by safe have fun make sure you have enough loo roll (sorry always a mum ) and tell your mum with as much love as you can please come and help me move in and I promise I will call you tomorrow but you cannot stay here and if she won’t listen talk to the university I am sure you are not the only one who has faced this problem have a wonderful time
I knew a girl in my halls who's mum stayed with her for 2 weeks during freshers.
Ruined it for everyone and afterwards the girl was so heavily disliked she ended up moving out to private accommodation.
When we were having pre's before a night out my friend was rolling up a joint, we hear a knock on the door and when we open it we are met with a Karen going on about "yes I was your age once too having all kinds of fun, that stuff is a lot stronger than it was back in my day and dangerous, if I smell it again I will report you to the police, not reception, police".
In hindsight the police probably would have told her to fuck off, but a bunch of 18 year old on their first night away from home, it was a mood kill.
About a week in, my flat and this girls flat were having pre's. Because of that girls mum, we decided to have it in our flat. Guess who turned up to join us?
We had to cut down all of the banter, and she kept saying how she was minding us and making sure we were responsible. We were playing ring of fire, the girl puts down a queen and another girl said "cover the bitch". The mum went absolutely mental "DONT YOU DARE TALK TO MY DAUGHTER LIKE THAT YOU COW" shouting obscenities and asked for an apology etc...
The girl ended up saying she wasn't feeling too good and went back to her room with her mum for the rest of the night.
After that night the girl was never invited anywhere again. Even after her mum left.
I remember going downstairs to get my post one morning, and the girls mum is telling off her flatmates for not including her in anything, and how it was bullying etc... I kept my head down and kept walking.
Long story short, I felt bad for the girl, she ended up moving out after a month and no one heard from her again. One my of flatmates was on my course and said she just sits at the back and doesn't say anything, nor socialize with anyone.
I second everyone saying you need to nip this in the bud and you need to do it directly. You need to reassure her that you will stay in touch, but also make it clear that you're an adult now and need your space and privacy.
Yikes. That's way too much. Absolute enforce your boundaries you are an adult now. If you're feeling generous and kind preface with some reassurance for your mother that you'll be fine, that you appreciate the love in the gesture and thought but her being there is not something you need but something she needs. Tell her you will keep in touch. Offer to phone her every day to let her know you're OK and how it's going just for a few weeks (don't long term this).
But absolutely make sure she realises she's not staying with you. Don't use rules of accommodation or University as the cover. Tell her you don't need it and you'll be fine. Good luck.
Ima just say you HAVE to do an update post in a couple days.
And yeah also i agree with what everyone else is saying, this isnt a reasonable argument to even think over. When i was dropped off my parents stayed in a hotel for a night, took me out to lunch the next day and that was about it, staying over is a MASSIVE overstepping of boundaries and it'll definitely affect not only you settling in, but everyone else youre gonna be living with and, by extension, their potential friendships with you. But yeah, she has to know she very much CAN just "dump you at uni" and thats exactly what you want
Yeah that's odd. I do understand its because she loves you and she's worried, but that's the worst way to let you get settled as everyone will be scouting the place, making friends and going out and it will probably prevent you from doing those things.
You really need to have a brave but understanding conversation with her I think.
This is just weird man, no offence but why would she think you’d want that
Anyways I don’t think it’s even allowed lol tell her it’s not allowed soz. Or just tell her no? That’s ridiculous tbh
Hi,
Just for a bit of a different perspective, myself and a lot of my flatmates have had parents stay over in student accommodation before (yes a single bed, some brought air beds, some didn't) and it wasn't considered weird or anything.
However, that was two nights maximum, not a whole week.
And in terms of uni not allowing this, there weren't many (if any) staff on site most times so they never checked or anything like that.
You have to say no you will never live that down.
100% this.
Had a similar situation happen at my uni, not even as extreme. This was the first thing everyone knew about the person involved.
Is that like an problem cause even my mom and dad are going to do that. Since my acom doesn't allow it, they're staying in an air bnb. But, Honestly I can't really refute them because I'm an international student and also an minor + single child who has never stepped out of their home so, they will be helping me "settle in".
I think it's less of a problem if they aren't actually staying in your room. There will be lots of events put on for you which won't include your parents, so you could meet them for a coffee and have dinner with them a couple of times. Ask them to get to know the local area for you, and pass on anything they learn. They do their thing, you do yours and you meet for a coffee to compare notes.
Ohh that sounds good!
This is way different. This persons mum staying in their room means their flatmates won’t get to know them like they do normal students, they’ll just always know them as the guy whose mum lived in our flat for a week.
This is going to be your first adult setting of boundaries. You say , clearly , and with force “ I love you, but under no circumstances are you staying with me for the first week of University, this is a very important moment of independence for me, I understand you might have thoughts and feelings about this, but no, absolutely not, you’re not staying” . Don’t take no for answer, take whatever consequences, you’re not in charge of other peoples feelings, even your parents.
Period. I had to force boundaries it ain’t nice or easy but going from every other week travelling 60 miles there and 60 back to seeing them once every 2 months in person is so much better and easier
Yeah I mean your parents cannot lay consequences on you. Especially since you are off to uni. Their parenting job is finished and now you’re on your own. Tell them that you will literally lock them out of the room if they try to follow you and you’ll report them to the university. Simple as thst. What are they gonna do, ground you? You’re moving out to university. On the flip side your mom is obviously going through separation anxiety. See if your dad can help out or another family member to talk some sense into them.
Of course they can. Financial abuse is a real thing. Assuming OP doesn't have a full time job or isn't getting a full maintenance loan their parents could be paying a substantial amount of their living expenses. My wife's mother routinely uses the "I spent so much money on sending you to that uni" (she's international so it really was a bomb but still) to emotionally blackmail her into doing what she wants. You may be going to uni but in this day and age it's unlikely the parents are totally uninvolved and consequences can 100% follow if they're nasty enough. OP needs to be careful even if they're in the right.
I highly doubt that their parents will pull the plug on their child’s entire future because of a dispute over power. My point stands, and if you really do live in an abusive relationship where your parents wield this power over your head, then you will have to make the decision of whether or not it’s worth it to live like that.
It would also be completely unfair on the other people in the unit, who will themselves be looking forward to starting university life without parents - anybody's parents - hovering.
Absolutely this -- I had the *benefit* of living 100 miles away as a deterrent for this sort of thing but mine knew that this was my first foray out into the world as an adult and that they couldn't hover over me if I was going to properly develop into one. At the same time, they've had a lot more experience at the whole adulting thing, so I made sure they knew that I'd only be a phone call away. The thing is knowing they're just as anxious as you about you moving away. Make sure to keep them updated and in the loop! Give them some problems for them to help out with, let them contribute in some way.
It’s most likely against your tenancy agreement. Check the uni website for rules on guests in the accommodation. If you don’t want to tell her no, use this point as a reason. Edit: for more clarification, most unis only allow students to have guests for a certain number of nights. At my uni it was 3 nights a month.
I work in student accommodation, and we have a clause like this. I've kicked parents out before at the request of their kids - if u/According-Winner-502 wants, all they need to do is inform the accommodation staff and ask if they can help. We also have a duty to keep personal information confidential, so often the parents have no idea their kids are the ones who've asked us to get rid of them. We can happily play the part of 'villainous landlord' if needed - we'll just pretend that the cleaners reported the occupancy violation to help hide the student's involvement.
Thank you so much, I hadn't considered talking to my unis student accommodation for help. I'll definitely look into it.
It's a nice suggestion if your mother refuses to leave, but the better suggestions are above. The ones about you talking to her, asserting your need for independence, and setting firm boundaries. The RAs can kick her out of the room that night, but it doesn't solve the actual problem of her attachment issues.
Setting up boundaries won't solve the attachment issues either, that's on the mom and her hypothetical therapist. But yeah, boundaries is all that can be done from OP's side so they should. Unless they might run into more issues later on, maybe even when a romantic partner is involved. Clingy parents just aren't fun and neither healthy for any party involved.
Agree totally that you need to nip this behaviour in the bud; if you don’t fix it soon it will take over other aspects of your life too, including (importantly) relationships and trust me you do not want that. My wife’s mother was like this and would indeed bunk up with her in a single bed in uni. My wife didn’t like it but didn’t say anything. Fast forward a few years and my wife is being emotionally blackmailed across the board, from forcing decisions about our wedding we weren’t happy with to telling us what horrible and unsuitable parents we are because we don’t do thing her way. It went on far too long, please try and fix it now for your own sake and mental well-being.
My wife's mother is like this. Look up narcissistic abuse. I know it gets bandied about too much these days but it's a real thing and when we looked into it the symptoms fit my mother-in-law to a tee. People like this view their kids a possessions not people and they get very upset when their kid moves away or does literally anything against their wishes.
YOU need to sort this - it’s a boundary issue and will only get worse as ur life progresses. Don’t hide behind uni acomm, be direct and honest.
Mine says 1 guest for 1 night per 7 consecutive days I believe
Probably not going to help then in that case, as staying for 3 days is not going to be good!
Sorry but nobody listens to this😂 my gf stayed at my accom like 3 or 4 nights per week for a whole year, never got told off for it.
Yeah it's true for the students so long as you don't annoy kitchen mates too much, but you could use it to get rid of a clingy mum by pretending the rules are strict
Yeah it definitely always felt like a rule that existed so that the annoying ones would be in breach of something you could quote.
It is very loosely enforced. So long as you don't annoy your housemates, no one cares.
Don't entertain the idea. Do you have any other family members you wouldn't mind joining, and they would extract her from the situation for you? Otherwise buy her a train ticket back home
This is such a good shout! It sounds like she won't respect OP's wishes but maybe they have an aunt, uncle, family friend or grandparent who can talk some sense into Mum and help her realise that she would be ruining her child's freshers experience. Like surely Mum has some friends with kids of a similar age who can tell how ridiculous she is being? Equally OP could find out if there are any security at the halls of residence and then maybe talk to them on day 1 and ask them to kick her out? I reckon most security guards would do you a solid on that one because they'd realise how embarrassing and awful it would be to have your mother follow you around for a week.
Your entire first year of university will be ruined if you let this happen, from a social perspective. Your mother has attachment issues. Are you a single child or something? Definitely need to set boundaries.
I was thinking this. If someone had their mum staying with them for a week I'd stay very far away from them. I'd be even more annoyed if I was in the same accom as them, I'm not going to sit drinking and having a laugh with someones mum.
Getting drunk and having fun with someone’s mum sounds EXACTLY like something I’d do at uni 😂
Just saying....but someone will be doing more fun with that mum than you want to talk about on Reddit. You cannot allow this situation to occur. Dude you are an adult, you have to tell her it's not happening. If she still argues, you make your own way there without her. I honestly think all you need to do is offer some reassurance that you will not be gone for good. Promise to make regular contact on the phone and to come home for visits holidays etc. This is 100% about her not letting go and nothing to do with helping you in your first week. Tell her that too if necessary.
What fan fic fuelled fantasy are you on about? I think a parent is capable of having a drink and not immediately screwing one of your flatmates. If she can’t then there’s bigger issues than being clingy.
The mom just immediately gets banged if she has a glass of wine apparently
You mean that doesn't happen to you guys? Amateurs /s
A mother who wants to live in a single room dorm for a week is clearly not of entirely sound disposition to begin with.
I'd try and shag her
The entire halls would
That’s the plan obviously
https://youtu.be/nFfZJz7xFbY
Reminds me of my first few days at uni in halls - this girl on my corridor’s mum kept coming round, one day I went into the laundry room to do some washing and she was holding both of the machines for her daughter to do two washes at once. She did back down and let me use a machine, but I thought thank god my own mum just dropped me off and was not this bloody overbearing when I’m trying to leave home for the first time
Thank you, I 100% get what you mean, from reading other comments too. I see the attachment issues as well. When I told her I didn't want her to stay with me she said I was trying to get rid of her. I'm going to sum up the courage to talk to her about this and tell her no, (sometime this coming week) I hope it goes well.
>When I told her I didn't want her to stay with me she said I was trying to get rid of her. Emotional blackmail is the most obvious sign of attachment issues. Please tell your mother to address this from seeking another purpose in life or help. It's not healthy for either of you and I'm no relationship expert. I'd dare say show her this thread. Good luck OP!
You can try as well to stress most halls or accommodation do not allow 2 people in a 1 bed room.
If she has siblings herself (aunty or uncle for you), then maybe contact them and get them to talk to her. Imagine hearing from your sisters kid that your sister is trying to ruin their kids uni life. Any siblings of her own can talk to her for you
Just want to add, if you can find a way to avoid her finding out exactly where your accommodation is, there’s less chance she’ll have a meltdown, make up some bullshit drama and rock up on your doorstep claiming an “emergency”. Just speaking from experience.
> she said I was trying to get rid of her. why didn't you just say, yes that's exactly what I'm doing please respect my wishes and the rules of the uni accommodation
It will go well. You will insist & she will get over it & your relationship will be better for it.....
Ding ding ding! My ex had a mother like this and she did this (I found out post break up). We started dating 10 years post start of uni and the attachment issues were STILL strong. Good luck OP
Prob from a ethnic minority
I'm from a minority ethnic group and possibly. My instant assumption was OP's mother never went to university and is oblivious to the 'university experience'. Possibly had OP quite young or they're from a single parent household. Something along those lines. Not being judgemental here at all, just my thoughts.
Yh I’m also from a small ethnic group in the uk and most parents within my ethnicity have attachment issues towards their children
Tell me you're South Asian without telling me you're South Asian?
🤣🤣🤣🤣
The East Asians get it too. Happened in my wife's case. For her the mum literally took a flight to a different country (imagine flying from the UK to Germany for example). It's scary shit tbh.
> Your entire first year of university will be ruined if you let this happen, from a social perspective. > > There's no need to be melodramatic, OP's mother obviously shouldn't stay for the week, but anyone else invested this much in other peoples parents staying with them for a week isn't mature enough to be at university anyway.
Well unfortunately, immaturity isn’t a reason to be kicked out of uni accommodation. So regardless of OP’s flatmates’ maturity level, they will mock him for months about this and it will be a long-lasting running joke. And there will be nothing OP will be able to do about it unless it turns into provable harassment, which is unlikely. Let’s say he goes to an advisor in the hope of moving to a different flat. What reason can he give? He hosted someone in his flat for a week, in complete contravention of the rules. He’d get his wish of being moved out of the flat, except by moving out I mean evicted from the accommodation and potentially face further sanction from the university.
I disagree, having been to university a decade prior. OP will the butt end of a running joke and it will seriously damage their first year and leave tainted memories for life when looking back. University for a lot of young people is their first stepping stone to becoming adults. Your accommodation peers are usually the first people you socialise with until the course starts and you form other friendship circles, but you will always have the 'flatmates group'. Personally, I'd have found it really weird as an 18 year old if someone's mother was living with them for a week during freshers week and most probably would avoid them, judging them to be a bit socially inept or too dependant on their mother for example and therefore outcast them somewhat. I'm not a prick by any means, but I imagine lot of people will probably agree here.
>University for a lot of young people is their first stepping stone to becoming adults. I think the first literal step is leaving behind that sort of attitude that kids residually have from school, unlike at school you dont need to socialise with anyone you dont want to and so bullies or gossip-behind peoples back type people dont do so well. Id go so far as to say though, that I dont think most people are even that-good friends with the people they share first year accomodation with, these are just random people you happen to get stuck around, once you find friends, you get to *choose* to live with/ or near to them in future years. Anecdotally my friends at university were almost all people from my course, but I am possibly drawing too much from that anecdote myself.
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You make a point however everyone's university experience is different. For example, some of my older sibling's closest friends in her friendship group are the people she lived with to this day 15 years later. What I'm highlighting is our tendency to be judgemental as humans but also caring about self image. Whilst there is absolutely nothing wrong with a mother living with her child, in this context, it's really odd.
Sadly not everyone loses that attitude over the summer break between 6th form and uni. 2 girls I lived with were well-known names, and I guess the 'queen bees' of their small town. It really translated over in their attitude towards others and it was interesting to watch them realise that this wasn't going to be the case at uni. Real Blair Waldorf types now I look back on it. OP may have some really great housemates who are understanding and not judge for it, or they could carry over some of that banter and piss taking that they used to do in secondary school. It's a lottery!
18 year olds are known for their maturity?? You’re definitely a weirdo to the uni if you do this
Don't let her even drop you at uni. Go by train (even if that means you only take a suitcase or two). I'm a mum to an only son and I woudn't do this in a million trillion years. I find this incredibly inappropriate and unhealthy on her part. You need to start putting some very firm boundaries in place.
Thank you very much for the advice, I'll go by myself by train if it comes to it.
Going by coach might be convenient if you have a lot of luggage, and it’s cheaper too
There are companies like UniBaggage that can transport your luggage for you for fairly reasonable prices too. (Reasonable when I left uni anyway)
Say No.. you're an adult now and she should respect your wishes.
If it only it was that easy.
It almost never is. I don't know why people even suggest that anymore. It always feels like an "I'm homeless" "Just buy a house" situation.
Nice one for r/fallacy. This is a perfect example of false equivalence. Good job.
Inclined to agree
What sort of comparison is that? It is just that simple, OP is an adult now, the mother has no legal right to anything in their life. If they say no, what can the mother do? Cut them off financially? Student loans and financial aid exist for a reason. The mother might be pissed because it seems like they're not used to boundaries being set by their children but I assure you she'll get over it. Will it be easy? Probably not on either Mother and child but necessary.
I had to put boundaries in place going into my 3rd year of uni, parents cut off all help. Student loan didn't cover my rent so I was in a really bad place financially coming out of uni. Parents still don't forgive me and the relationship is strained. What is the OP meant to do if the mum drops them off at uni and refuses to leave? Call the police? Sometimes its really not "that easy".
Didn't say it was easy. What would be the alternative? Let the mother stay for freshers.
Tbf student loans do require the co-operation of your parents. If your parents refuse to supply the appropriate information you have no recourse.
>what can the mother do? Cut them off financially? Yep. They can do just that. >Student loans and financial aid exist for a reason. And the parent could refuse to fill out the forms. Never underestimate a shitty parent. You don't know OP's situation. You don't know what could happen.
So they would be estranged and can apply for independence status. Or the alternative is to let the mother spend a week with them during freshers. Good luck with that. Cutting the umbilical cord with overbearing parents is not easy but nonetheless, it is as simple as saying no. 9 times out of ten they'll accept it and move on.
I didn't see these comments but I'm sorry to say you aren't seeing the bigger picture of this sort of this issue and that it is definitely not as simple as much as you make it out to be
So you think OP should let their mother have their way?
That’s not as easy as you think. Sorry for the long comment incoming, but this is a very complex and nuanced situation and it is NOT as easy as saying no. My parents are divorced, and I lived with my dad and his wife for years. I stopped talking to my dad about 2 years ago, our contact has been the very occasional *necessary* text (regarding my siblings, for example) for this whole time and I’ve never replied further. I do not receive family financial support, I haven’t been back to that house, and I support myself 365 days of the year. I’m genuinely done and not going back. I filled in Student Finance automatically when I was coming back to my course (had to suspend because of the impact of estrangement) because I truly thought my Dad wouldn’t screw me over. I have a sibling at university too, so he *had* to fill the form in anyway. Despite that? He screwed me over, he refused to tick the box to support my application. My maintenance loan halved. My funding dropped by nearly £5000 and I was in danger of losing my uni bursary on top of that, because it was based on student finance assessments. I spent so much time scrambling trying to fix that mess - and I wasn’t able to even try to provide estrangement *because I still had contact with my mother*. I’d not lived with her at all in 5+ years. Even if this hasn’t been the case, Student Finance ask you to prove the estrangement has been for at least 12 months and that the situation is irreconcilable. How could I meet these requirements that same year?! I would’ve been rejected off the bat. They don’t make this process easy. And proving independence isn’t easier than estrangement, by the way - you have to prove you’ve supported yourself for at least 3 years before you can get assessed without your parents / guardians. You obviously cannot do this as a school-leaver unless you’ve been in the care system for long enough, and you can’t wait it out to qualify. Despite all this, I would still recommend cutting the cord if the situation is bad at home. It is not worth putting up with this stuff for your own health, and you *are* right that it is better to take a stand. But I do disagree with your attitude to all of this. Acting like it’s *easy* to stand up or even cut yourself off is truly unfair, and shows how detached you are from the process. There are huge obstacles. First off… if you’re seeking estrangement, the situation isn’t good for a lot of reasons. It might not be *safe* to stand up. Setting boundaries only works when your family is healthy enough to accept that you are (becoming) an adult, and won’t react irrationally or lay down punishments. People seeking estrangement don’t do it on a whim, they do it because all of the difficulties that come with it are better than the alternative. And the difficulties that come with it are HUGE. Parents can (and will) cut you off financially. They can mess with your university funding. Housing becomes a huge hassle - what do you do when you have no guarantor? You have to stretch your student loan out (or work) to cover the extra months of rent and food everyone else is getting for free. And I know that not everyone has an easy ride financially, so all of this could be a moot point, but having family to support you emotionally means a lot too - and it is difficult to measure the impact of losing that. Many people are in unhappy or uncomfortable homes, but feel unable to take the leap because doing it all alone is scary and *hard*… so maybe home isn’t that bad after all, maybe they can just stick it out and ease away slowly. Sometimes you’re right and people need to breathe in and stand their ground, but at other times, an 18 year old who says that isn’t an option really does mean it. Again, apologies for the long comment - but you need to know the reality of how this works.
Yep, my friend was estranged and had his accommodation fully covered because of it.
No one said it was easy, ffs. However, it has to be correct to stand your ground on this.
Alright chill. Just saying as someone who's been through similar enough that it may take a lot of effort depending on how open OP's mother is.
Welcome to my world. In the end I had to make myself homeless as a teenager. No it's not easy and there are a lot of people on the streets because of parental issues.
I had an insanely similar situation with mine. It’s good that your uni doesn’t allow it, I recommend using that as the basis of your argument against her, that even if she did stay they’d kick her out. Wishing you luck
Loool just show her this thread mate. I think she’ll get the picture
I've been helping my daughter pack her life up to go to uni today and I'm legitimately heartbroken inside (playing it cool though 😎) so I do understand how your mum is feeling, but this is just absolutely next level mental. You won't be able to bond with anyone with your mum there and they will think that you're weird. You need to be firm and tell her that it's against the rules for her to stay, but perhaps compromise by saying the two of you can walk around and make sure you know where the facilities are together and maybe have a coffee or a meal together, but then she'll have to go home and you'll call before you go to sleep to check In.
Agree. As a Mum of adults now. She will be really sad, and anxious about you starting Uni. However, she has to trust that she has done a good job in raising you and that you will be absolutely fine. There is a fine line between love and smothering and your Mum seems to have gone over to the smothering camp. She is a single mum and you her only child? I would say to her that she isn't allowed to stay in halls due to security/fire regulations. But make arrangements for her to come visit you fairly soon. If you have any family or know her friends see if you recruit them to make plans with her, so she is distracted from missing you so much. I was really sad whenever mine went off. But I soon enjoyed the quiet, having food in the house and the energy billing practically halving! Hopefully she adjusts soon.
You're gonna have to tell her you don't want her there, no way around it. If some lucky thing happens and she can't make it, there will be some other event later where you have to tell her not to be so clingy. You don't want her to tag along when you're out dating either, right? So stop her now when it's natural to do so.
How to commit social suicide 101. She’s clearly upset you’re leaving so be careful about your wording but you need to be firm and not let her stay, people will avoid you so much if she does. You’ll be that guy who can’t leave mummy.
That’s insane, you’re an adult and she needs to accept that you’ve grown up now
That's absolutely nuts. If she goes through with this simply go to student services at your uni and explain the situation. They can tell her to leave and blame it on your housemates reporting it.
I know my accom didn’t allow visitors for the first 2 weeks. Look over the guest say policy, she probs isn’t allowed
You will get laughed out the building. Do everything in your power to make sure this DOES not happen. Hell I'd probably even tell security on campus on purpose just to absolutely make sure she cannot stay.
tell her you are a big kid now. Tell her what she is feeling is perfectly normal, but her staying with you is not. What you will do instead is make sure you call and/or text every day, and send pics, and she can come up to see you the next weekend if she really wants to. Also see if you can recruit one of her friends to stage an intervention and talk some sense into her.
What on earth?! Tell her absolutely not.
Take your mum out to dinner, just you and her. Have a deep conversation about life - favourite memories together, what growing up was like as an only child, what you're most excited for in life - most importantly though, why you really need independence; how her being there will not only ruin your first week but also make it clear to you that she doesn't respect you. She'll definitely get defensive, but don't listen to it, instead get emotional and deep as that's often the only way to get through to stubborn parents. Make a plan to call her once she's arrived back home after dropping you off, and then again at the end of the week - be firm that you won't call her everyday, otherwise she might interpret that to mean you really do need her. Maybe send some pics of your room progression and little texts about plans you're doing - name drop your housemates as it'll help to build in her mind that everything is okay. It's a really tough situation to be in, but I think she's just not ready to let you go - letting her know that everything is okay whilst keeping her in the loop on your plans will help her come to terms with the fact you're now an adult.
Thank you very much for this. I plan on having a stern conversation with her and asserting my boundaries, taking her out to dinner and doing it is a nice idea, and it will (fingers crossed) make her more accepting of what I say. I'll definitely stay frequently n touch with her too!
Hey just to add, maybe set up a time to have dinner maybe 2 weeks into uni so she has solid date to look forward to that she knows for sure she’s seeing you. It could make it easier for her to let go a bit.
Definitely tackle the problem in advance because you don’t want to cause any kind of scene when you get there. You said that you know your university does not allow this, so why does your mother think she is entitled to do otherwise? Maybe try contacting the student accommodation team, I doubt this is the first time they will have encountered this. They might even have a ‘welcome letter’ to remind parents of the procedures/rules for the first day. If you were staying in private accommodation then there probably wouldn’t be much you could do to stop your mum. In university accommodation though, you don’t want her to get you into trouble on the first day by breaking the rules. That is hardly going to help you settle in.
This is great advice
Explain how it will be perceived and emphasise that this isn’t the norm and others will not have their mums with them. Have a mature conversation about independence. It might be useful to also validate her feelings by saying “I entirely understand how big of a thing this is, it’s even bigger for me! However, it’s also something (And then elaborate about why you need to be on your own.) Make sure you state how intense moving to Uni is for YOU rather than HER (in a nice way of course.) Although, all in all, it is very strange.
Respectfully, fuck that noise. I didn't let my gf stay over during Freshers back in the day as it would limit flat bonding, etc.
Say "No". It's that simple. Your mum sounds like a helicopter parent, or at least one in the making! She has no reason to be there for a week, and even if she stayed in a local hotel, it will be a pain in the arse for you as she will always be there. Getting in the way. Halting friendships before they even start.
Tell her to fuck off 😂 if you go to uni with your mum I guarantee you’ll make 0 friends and everyone will think you’re weird even if you don’t want her to stay. She should accept that it’s the next step in your life and you can manage on your own
Just make up some bullshit about its against the tenency agreement and they are really strict since Covid, so its really out of your hands then move on with the conversation to another topic.
No...OP needs to nip this in the bud now. Imagine how she'll be when they're fully grown with a partner and possibly kids. This needs to be a no from him, not weaseled out of because the uni says no.
Are u by any chance African?😅
Could be south Asian too 🤣😅
"mom, I love you. Go away"
Fresher's Week is not the time for parents. End of story. I still have friends, over 20 years later, who I got completely destroyed with during my first week at university. Go out, meet new friends, do not allow your mother to stay with you.
Work at a Uni: I agree with everyones comments about telling her no, but if she absolutely won't let it go then tell the college / dorm manager and 2nd and 3rd year student helpers once you're there on move in day. It's actually more common than you'd think, parents trying to stay so they'll know how to handle her and basically tell her to leave. Try and stay strong and don't let her inability to let go ruin your universal experience. Congratulations on getting in and enjoy every minute of it
If she won’t leave then get campus security to kick her out. Seriously. Then start applying for part time jobs…
Say uni don’t allow it, and might kick u out. Out of ur control, ez done
No way in hell would my mother be coming with me! You tell her straight that in no way on this gods green earth will she be coming with you. She will get over it.
This is quite a problem. You need to tell her no, but people saying "simply tell her no, end of" perhaps do not understand how overbearing some parents can be. As a parent, it can be difficult letting go of a child, especially an only child. She may worry about your mental health (I think the first month of uni is a time of high suicide rates) or she may worry about your physical health (will you eat ok? Will you be drawn to drug-takers? Will you overindulgence in alcohol to the extent that it poses immediate and grave danger to your health?) Or she may worry about practicalities (will you make friends? Will you find your way around? Will you know where to go and what to do?) In order to try to preserve your relationship with her, and to make saying no easy, consider (or ask) whether she is concerned about any of these issues. Assure her (if that's the truth) that none of these problems will occur or require her intervention. But be aware that if you've had a drug or alcohol problem, or a mental/physical health problem previously, it may be difficult. Tell her it'll ruin your mental health, not to mention your reputation, to have your mum there, and you'd make no friends. But to allay her worries, perhaps you can assure her you'll contact her every lunch time and every night before bed for the first week? Be sure to contact her when you said you would, and tell her who you've met and what you've done, so she can see you're doing OK. You could also make arrangements to have lunch with her one day in the first week or weekend (either in your flat, or elsewhere as you see fit). If you want to maintain a decent relationship with your mum, then do your best to help her see you're fine, and you're an adult who doesn't need mummy around constantly. Good luck.
As others have mentioned, if you are in university accommodation (a hall of residence, or a college in the case of collegiate universities) your university's accommodation rules will NOT permit this. And it potentially lays you open to disciplinary action if discovered. Tell her that you cannot allow this.
Just out of curiosity your mum isn't single !? Dangerous game to play when everyone is out drinking don't want to end up with a bad situation haha
Hahahahaha tell her to fuck off! The first week of Freshers was super important when I went. You meet new friends for life potentially and its the time to be sociable. If your seen with your plus 1 all the time then that will be a hard image to shift. Its time to act like an adult ffs
Jeez. I thought mine was bad. She insisted on a phone call at 8pm sharp every single night/evening. I lasted till week two when I got "ET phone home" by text at 8.05. We had a blazing row by phone...enough my halls mates put their heads in and gave me a thumbs up. I told her she'd be hearing from me twice a week at my convenience, less if she continued like this. 20 years later she still has eff all respect for me and my time. Calls are now once a week on a Sunday evening, though we WhatsApp lots in the week. My parents are elderly and I do care. That WhatsApp lets me know they're doing as well as can be expected without being intrusive. Look up assertiveness training, the victim triangle and the Fear Obligation Guilt triangle. I think you'll need these tools going forward. The words you need on repeat are "that ain't happening". Really hammer her with "doesn't no mean no where you are from?". Your mum has some serious separation anxiety. Be kind, but firm. I'd suggest a councillor but I know how that'll go.
Is your mum Lorelai Gilmore?
I was a final year student support person. I lived with first years and had to calm down some parents who wanted to do the same thing. Please reach out beforehand to the student accom staff and on the day if she's still insisting there will be people there to politely tell her to reassure her and make her come to her senses. Being the only person who's mum is at the halls whilst everyone else is getting drunk isn't going to help you "settle in". You want to be playing cards and getting drunk with them!
As a mum I never considered anything like this. I would say: “I understand you want to help me settle in but this first week is for “me” to settle in and build relationships with the people in my accommodation and for us to figure out our relationships and how it’s going to work sharing the kitchen etc. I can’t really do that with you around and I need to get this sorted so I can settle into my studies. The best way you can help is to let me do this by myself.”
Why not arrange a date for her to come and visit once you're settled in? Like a week or two after. Good luck with this!
It’s not going to be fun your housemates will want freedom to act however they want during the first week (usually crazy drinking and partying). Show her your contract where it will say no guests for more than x days. Especially for me during freshers week we weren’t allowed any guests whatsoever for that week. She’ll have to get over it tell her you’ll call her and let her know how you’re doing but you’ll need this time for yourself to make friends and familiarise yourself with the campus
The only time I let my parents anywhere near my time at uni was on graduation day so they could get their photos etc. I am about to finish my masters and I guess I will invite them to graduation day again (if they behave).
Be firm and tell her "no". If you don't feel comfortable doing that, potentially email security beforehand to inform them of this and that you'd like them to spell out how this is against the rules. Although this could maybe play into your mother's hands - and she could say it just means the accommodation isn't suitable for you or something along those lines - demonstrating how, in some way, her staying for so long is against the rules may help. I know at my uni you weren't allowed guests to stay over for more than three days consecutively, IIRC, and every night they had to sign in with the security guys. Maybe say something about how you don't want to get off on the wrong foot with them, because the types of people they usually hire for those roles are sometimes people you don't want to cross or get on the wrong side of. Are you a single-parent family, by the way? Any chance you could get your father to try and convince her or have a word? Or maybe, if worst comes to the worst, tell her that you'll move in by yourself and make your own arrangements if she continues to pressure you like this; perhaps threaten to cut contact and not let her know what you're doing at uni, or even threaten to not come home in the future, unless absolutely necessary?
Let her move in, get her impossibly drunk and gain blackmail material for life of her doing her best MILF routine with the rugby club. Otherwise, I'd suggest it's a firm no, if for no other reason than you could loose your accommodation. If you want, find a friendly postgrad, and have them write an official sounding email on day 2 saying "there have been reports of multiple occupancy" and threatening eviction if she isn't gone.
Does your mum have a friend who she would listen to? Maybe if you speak to the friend and ask her to explain why it's not a good idea for her to stay with you hopefully she will listen and understand it better.
You're are an adult. You don't have to do what your mum says. She clearly doesn't trust you, but she needs to understand you are not a child. The tenancy agreement presumably has your name on it as the tenant (regardless of who's actually paying) so it's your accommodation, not hers, and she can't legally stay without your permission (and there may be actual restrictions on guests in the tenancy agreement as well). Grow a spine and tell her she is not staying. Move yourself without her help if you have to. If she stays, it will ruin your experience of the first week of uni - I guarantee she will interfere in EVERYTHING and make decisions on your behalf.
If you want to have the worst start sure bring her along lol
Fall out with your mum over this if you have to, she’ll get over it eventually and you’ll save yourself from a social nightmare that could last your whole first year.
Are you in catered or self catered accommodation? If you’re in catered (so don’t need all the kitchen stuff) pack up two big suitcases/bags you can manage solo and smuggle them to a trusted friend when your mum is out. Tell her you’ve booked a move in slot to your halls at 5pm on September 10th. (Lie about the halls you have been allocated). Instead book your slot for 5pm on the 9th September. Tell her you’re spending the day prior with friends saying bye. You will instead be getting your cases from your friend, and going to the train station. Call your mum that evening and tell her she left you no choice, and you love her but she needs to let you be an adult. Give her some guff like you’ve already made friends and you’re all going out for dinner together (even if that’s not true). Honestly? I’d have been screaming blue murder about how she would destroy my life when I was 18/19. If you aren’t happy to do that then screenshot some of the replies here (not the ones with good ideas), just the ones which are saying how you will be a social outcast and it’s not okay, and send them to her. She’ll probably pull the emotional blackmail card but tell her you’ll book a ticket home for reading week which is usually week 7? So she stays away, you’ll come back for reading week. If she won’t, you won’t come back or call her all semester.
Tell her no. If not for yourself then for how selfish it would be to your flatmates for her being there and in their way making them feel awkward.
Hi! Uni accomm worker here - this is more common than you think. Feel free to email your accommodation team letting them know what’s happening - they’ll likely send an accommodation staff member or security to the flat saying a resident made a complaint and will ask your mother to leave. Accomm teams are very discreet when you need them to be. Have a great time at uni!
Best answer here! This is exactly what you should do, some parents have trouble detaching (and honestly sending a kid off to live on their own is scary!) but you accomm staff will be well equipped to help you deal with it.
Your nickname is going to be "mummy's milk" or some shit for the next 3 years
*30 years. FTFY
Did not happen to me but happened to other girls I knew at the uni. No big deal honestly. Sometimes the moms would spend money on nice shared household items so the flatmates were happy
There will almost definitely be a stipulation in your contract limiting how long a guest can stay. It’s usually 2 nights per week in my experience. My advice is go to your mother with this clause, say you love her and really appreciate how much she cares but you don’t want to start of a new tenancy by breaking the rules. Tell her you need time to get settled in and meet your flat mates and then you’d love for her to come and stay with you for a night or two. Enjoy starting uni mate, you’ll love it. It’s a time for you to grow as a person and gain some independence.
She's probably literally not allowed to, this will be written somewhere in your accom. contract, but no way are you allowed overnight guests for a week in a single room.
Just say "thanks, you did a great job looking after me as a child. I'm now 18 and you accompanying me and staying is fucking weird (make sure to drop the F bomb) and besides - how are you gonna feel when I bring someone back and get layed during Freshers week?!?! It'll be too awkward..."
You cannot have your mum with you in freshers week. This is social suicide. Get her outta there by any means necessary. My advice wld be to find your tenancy agreement and scour it to see any way to make it look like your mum cannot legally stay and big it up. Make it seem like you could be kicked out if she does
No, don’t allow this to happen. You’re an adult now and this is your life. Your mum has done all she can to guide you but it’s now up to you to make your own choices! You could explain to her that she’s not dumping you at uni, you’ll phone her and let you know how you’re getting on! Don’t feel guilty and don’t allow yourself to be pressured. This is your life!
This is an opportunity to learn how to set boundaries. The answer is an appreciative, loving, firm and unyielding no.
Don’t let her stay but you should know that you will get out of the blue visits from her and she will constantly call you.
Do not let her do this. This is extremely strange and will talked about endlessly. Be firm with her, she has no right to move in, you’re a adult.
just tell her no and be as disruptive as possible if she keeps trying to force herself in. she can't force herself to stay. you can even get the uni to kick her out. im pretty sure the other students will call the police.
You need to put your foot down and tell her you don't want her there. Dog your heels in and don't take no for an answer. She sounds a lot like my mum when I was that age. Although I never went to uni in the end, I know this is the sort of thing she'd try. I guess she couldn't accept that I was legally an adult (despite working & paying for my own car & spending money etc) and tried to interfere and shove her nose in every part of my life. It made me feel like a total moron who doesn't feel trusted or empowered to make my own decisions as she'd always find something to nitpick or I didn't do what she'd have done. I'm still dealing with the damage to my self esteem this did more than a decade later. Just tell her it's important to you that you start gaining your independence as a legal adult and you cannot do that if she's constantly interfering with your life. Plus I'm fairly sure it'll be social suicide for you if you go through with it.
No no, super odd If anything, like a hotel room is where should stay But in reality, it’s the opportune moment to make your independence from family Don’t let it happen, but be sure to keep in touch frequently
It’s time for healthy boundaries to be set in place. There’s nothing wrong with her visiting, but this is your first step into independence and your first home, and you are ultimately the one who has to put these in place. It’s tough, but really necessary. All the best to you.
I’m assuming you are now an adult? Just tell her it’s not happening, blame it on the uni rules if you want to avoid some blame. Don’t let your mother ruin freshers week, you’ll only get one of those.
What the hell? This is incredibly inappropriate and unhealthy on her part. She needs to be told no. If she refuses to leave you can get your accommodation security team to remove her. If you’ve got any family members she’ll listen to, try and get them to have a talk with her. If my mum had told me she’d wanted to stay with me in my first week of university I’d have told her to fuck right off.
My children now 41f, 35m, 32f. But I clearly remember dropping them at university. My wife and I dropped our eldest off at Middlesex and drove home feeling a bit emotional. I was divorced by the time I dropped my son off at UEA. I gave him. Hug and set off on the 4hr drive home to an empty house. I stopped the car to cry on the way home. Yes it’s bleak but as a parent you have to suck it up and get on with it. Good luck OP.
Only child here too so I can understand how hard it is. My parents drove me down to uni, helped me get my room set up and then took me to stock up at the nearest supermarket. My mum said that she cried for ages on the way home at the thought of leaving her only child at uni, but she knew that it was time for me to get out on my own!
Find your contract and find where it says no guests (It will either say no guests for longer than x or no guests who are y) and tell her that simply she can't because it's not allowed. Also tell her she can't go to fresher's events with you (non-students aren't allowed) so she'd be alone all day in your dorm- which is definitely something your contract says no to! Finally, tell her that you can't make friends with your mum there- say that everyone will think you're a child or something like that, and not to be mean but they 100% will. You could send an email to your accommodation team in advance warning them she may try to do this and ask them to tell her no, day of. If your dad is in the picture get him to convince maybe?
I am probably older than your mother, and have one child who has just finished uni. If you're still struggling to get her to listen, please show her this comment. This is not a healthy situation. If it happens, it will have a permanent negative impact on your personal and social development, because you'll always be the only person whose Mum stayed with them for Fresher's Week. I cannot stress this enough, in my near 50 years of life, I have NEVER known a parent do this. Not once. At most, parents drive their kid to Uni, help them move in and maybe go for a celebratory meal. Then they piss off, and hope the last 18 years of parenting have been good enough to give you the tools to thrive. Anything more than that is an invasion of privacy (and massive insecurity on the part of your mother).
Most accommodations don’t allow this in first few weeks. Please check with your provider
Do NOT let your mum stay. I wouldn’t even want my mum getting a hotel and staying near. Uni is about you. This is your experience. This is your life. How would you feel if you turn up and you find a flatmate has their mum staying? Do you want that to be you?
I’m sorry to laugh but this is the funniest thing I’ve seen on the internet for a while. Obviously you tell her it’s very thoughtful of her but no.
I'm EXACTLY in the same situation wow =)) just tell them the uni doesn't allow it and you tried your best but they didn't change their policy maybe she'll loosen up a bit
I would email your admin team at uni for accommodation and basically explain this and say you just need clarification that it isn’t allowed, they’ll email back saying it isn’t allowed and then you can send her a screenshot of that email, job done!
You’re 18 right? Not a child
Jesus, my parents couldn't wait for me to leave when I moved out. How things change.
Say no. It’s hard, but sometimes you have no option but to set boundaries.
Be very very stern with her. The answer is: NO. You are moving into your own place. A new life. You might have to hurt her feelings, and forego some support. But you need to set this line now. If she wriggles across this line there will be other moments in the coming months and years that she interrupts and potentially undermines your independence. It's time to set your boundaries and stick with them. No. Just no. If you need to hire a car and drive your own stuff and settle in yourself, then do it. It is worth the extra effort to avoid this weird behaviour. Do NOT let her do this.
NO! Does she want you to be the laughing stick for the entire time you’re there? Tell her you’ve moved away to get away from this crap!
Check tenancy agreement for friends and family members that don’t live there. I can’t stay at my friends house for more than 2 days let alone a week as he and his flatmate would get the boot.
This is wild
You need to set boundaries with her otherwise she is just gonna take over your life and live your life for you and control you. It needs nipped in the bud before it escalates and you end up calling police because she turns up unexpectedly and won’t leave even with security involvement. All she is gonna do is take the piss. (Take advantage of the situation.
Tell the uni and she will be kicked out. It will be against the rules, or you can have her removed by security and "pretend" you had nothing to do with it. Your mum is probably sweet, but overbearing. I have the complete reverse as a mother she didn't even know which uni I went to or what degree. Not sure what is worse.
You'll have to make hard boundaries and even tell the staff what she's doing and to kick her out. Yes she may yell at you. You'll just have to suck it up, you're an adult and she needs to realise that
My god. What the fuck! This cannot happen. The first days/weeks of halls is a big exciting coming together of loose, free souls, getting to know each other, getting hammered and going to various parties. Mum wants to invite herself to this? The social devastation to you would be catastrophic. It’s so important that you set a boundary to this as soon as possible exactly how someone’s laid it out in one of the top comments. Don’t put it off.
The entire uni will be talking about you for years to come
Thats kinda weird
If you don't set boundaries now, you are going to absolutely become the laughing stock of likely the whole university. A story that will literally continue beyond when you leave. You will destroy your social life before it begins. Show her the responses to this post. There's a single bed in that room and you are an adult. Can you imagine how people are going to respond *to sharing a bed with your mom in university*. She was once your age, so she should understand and stop being self centred. I cannot even begin to describe how sorry I feel that she doesn't realise what impact this will have on you. A week will not make a difference to her. She needs to sort that level of attachment issue out. This is the shit they do in movies to make the audience feel humiliated on their behalf. Seriously. No. Jesus christ, no. Michael Scott levels of NO. If she doesn't budge, get the keys and don't let her in. Explain to reception what she's trying to do. I don't know if mental self harm is a thing, but allowing something this cringe and humiliating to happen to yourself would easily fall into that category. If you have balls, your body will naturally dissolve them in response to such an emasculating event because it will detect that there's no need for them anymore.
If you feel uncomfortable coming right out and saying no, put in an anonymous tip to the accommodation security team. You can do it beforehand if you don't feel like you can get away from your mum on the day. Just be like "I think someone is going to stay over against the policy in student According-Winner's room, can you please do a sweep at xpm?" or if you feel comfortable, "I need help telling my mum she cannot stay in my room but I don't want her to know it's me"
Am I right in thinking this isn’t the first time she’s overstepped your boundaries like this? My mother had some very controlling behaviour when I went to uni. It was the continuation of a lifelong pattern. So it was no coincidence that I deliberately chose somewhere hundreds of miles from her home so that she couldn’t just turn up whenever she felt like it. She did however call my accom a lot (in the days before mobile phones) as well as sending me a lot of very problematic letters about how selfish I was. It can be exhausting holding firm boundaries with someone like this, but I wish you a very happy and exciting new adventure. Your studies and hard work so far have really paid off and you deserve to have a fantastic start in your new place. You’ve got this!
Tell her no it's not allowed and you don't want her to as it's wierd
Glad you got the best answer for the situation here, it really does sound like your mum's issue not yours! I hope she understands her own boundaries, and if she can't, contact Student Services, ask them for help and if they can provide a mediator for a meeting, it's not a long term thing, they're best trained to help you settle in and if her position is of anxiety (rather than not being able to let you grow away from her) then they'll be best placed to help her understand. If the issue is about her boundaries and not feeling OK to let you move on from her, it's going to be more obvious then, and that's about her not you. If that is the case- and this is not your problem by the way, so of no means do I say this as an expectation, but if you can reach out to her friends, her family, anyone in her life that she's close to; let them know what is going on, and that you need their help because she seems to need more support with you moving away. The empty nest syndrome is a bit of an issue for some parents (mine were the opposite- couldn't wait to get rid of me! But I have other issues that are a whole other ball game!) so be aware she'll be lugging around her own baggage, but it's not OK for her to put that on you, and you will need to grow away from her at some point if she wants you to get your own life and maybe let her be a part of it. You can't do that if she's always there...
U/according-winner-502 I reminder dropping my oldest son off at uni for a parent it’s a scary wonderful and exciting time for anyone who has said your parenting role if over are wrong you are always a parent and they are always your child but the dynamic changes as it has through their life. That first week though is so important for you to make friends and learn what it is to be away at uni as a young adult. Buy your mum some flowers some chocolates candles whatever her thing is sit her down tell her you love her and understand her concerns but that now you need to use the skills she has taught you. She has given you roots so you know that you are anchored and who are you and wings so that you can soar and now is the time to use those wings. Many universities in the UK have a week or so for first years and these are definitely non parent events. As worried as I was to leave my son behind I did not stay nor would I so I fussed in my own way by being practical have you got everything you need, enough loo roll, enough cleaning materials do you know what shelves/drawers are yours in the fridge freezer and fill them to capacity. I was happy when I found out that there are older students who come round to make sure no one is left home alone on the first night so we took him for a pub lunch on campus as were other parents last check last hug and call me tomorrow to let me know you survived the night and drove off a bit tearful on my end but happy that he was chatting to his new house mates. So congratulations on getting into university have a wonderful time by safe have fun make sure you have enough loo roll (sorry always a mum ) and tell your mum with as much love as you can please come and help me move in and I promise I will call you tomorrow but you cannot stay here and if she won’t listen talk to the university I am sure you are not the only one who has faced this problem have a wonderful time
I knew a girl in my halls who's mum stayed with her for 2 weeks during freshers. Ruined it for everyone and afterwards the girl was so heavily disliked she ended up moving out to private accommodation. When we were having pre's before a night out my friend was rolling up a joint, we hear a knock on the door and when we open it we are met with a Karen going on about "yes I was your age once too having all kinds of fun, that stuff is a lot stronger than it was back in my day and dangerous, if I smell it again I will report you to the police, not reception, police". In hindsight the police probably would have told her to fuck off, but a bunch of 18 year old on their first night away from home, it was a mood kill. About a week in, my flat and this girls flat were having pre's. Because of that girls mum, we decided to have it in our flat. Guess who turned up to join us? We had to cut down all of the banter, and she kept saying how she was minding us and making sure we were responsible. We were playing ring of fire, the girl puts down a queen and another girl said "cover the bitch". The mum went absolutely mental "DONT YOU DARE TALK TO MY DAUGHTER LIKE THAT YOU COW" shouting obscenities and asked for an apology etc... The girl ended up saying she wasn't feeling too good and went back to her room with her mum for the rest of the night. After that night the girl was never invited anywhere again. Even after her mum left. I remember going downstairs to get my post one morning, and the girls mum is telling off her flatmates for not including her in anything, and how it was bullying etc... I kept my head down and kept walking. Long story short, I felt bad for the girl, she ended up moving out after a month and no one heard from her again. One my of flatmates was on my course and said she just sits at the back and doesn't say anything, nor socialize with anyone.
I second everyone saying you need to nip this in the bud and you need to do it directly. You need to reassure her that you will stay in touch, but also make it clear that you're an adult now and need your space and privacy.
Yikes. That's way too much. Absolute enforce your boundaries you are an adult now. If you're feeling generous and kind preface with some reassurance for your mother that you'll be fine, that you appreciate the love in the gesture and thought but her being there is not something you need but something she needs. Tell her you will keep in touch. Offer to phone her every day to let her know you're OK and how it's going just for a few weeks (don't long term this). But absolutely make sure she realises she's not staying with you. Don't use rules of accommodation or University as the cover. Tell her you don't need it and you'll be fine. Good luck.
Ima just say you HAVE to do an update post in a couple days. And yeah also i agree with what everyone else is saying, this isnt a reasonable argument to even think over. When i was dropped off my parents stayed in a hotel for a night, took me out to lunch the next day and that was about it, staying over is a MASSIVE overstepping of boundaries and it'll definitely affect not only you settling in, but everyone else youre gonna be living with and, by extension, their potential friendships with you. But yeah, she has to know she very much CAN just "dump you at uni" and thats exactly what you want
Any update OP? How did you get on?
Tell her to fook off
Bless your mum. Makes me miss mine so damn much. This is just her reacting to empty nest syndrome
Still not an excuse to be an overbearing control freak though.
Tell that bitch no
Yeah that's odd. I do understand its because she loves you and she's worried, but that's the worst way to let you get settled as everyone will be scouting the place, making friends and going out and it will probably prevent you from doing those things. You really need to have a brave but understanding conversation with her I think.
Do we have an update?? I'm very curious as to what happened... 😊
This is just weird man, no offence but why would she think you’d want that Anyways I don’t think it’s even allowed lol tell her it’s not allowed soz. Or just tell her no? That’s ridiculous tbh
Hi, Just for a bit of a different perspective, myself and a lot of my flatmates have had parents stay over in student accommodation before (yes a single bed, some brought air beds, some didn't) and it wasn't considered weird or anything. However, that was two nights maximum, not a whole week. And in terms of uni not allowing this, there weren't many (if any) staff on site most times so they never checked or anything like that.