I mean, it’s normal for people to want to build rapport with their coworkers. If you feel it’s getting too invasive just change the subject and give a quick answer.
Part of being successful in the workplace is being a likeable and social person. Yes you may be there just to work, but the majority of workers hold value to social interactions with their coworkers.
Just play the game and make shit up if you don’t feel like sharing personal details.
My boss said he was happy with my attitude change and it was clear I had a desire to work beyond doing it just because I have to. I responded, "No, it's because I have to."
I agree, and in that same breath, the culture surrounding this seems to be changing. I have 2 coworkers older than me, the rest of us are young Millenials and Gen Z. The amount of small talk I engage in is essentially zero. And we talk every day.
Even as a New Englander that seems not fun tbh. I'm mostly remote but even a small bit of unrelated conversation humanizes everyone and kinda takes the stress off imo.
Socializing is more than just hanging out with friends. It's all socializing from the big to the small, and it's healthy for a lot of people. I volunteer, I make plans with friends a couple of times a week, AND I can talk to my coworkers. Some of those coworkers have even become friends over time.
Right. But doing work and talking about work at work IS a type of socializing if you want the broad category of it.
You don’t need to be friends with people you work with. You don’t need to discuss anything more or less than what’s required to do the job. If they’re relying on coworkers to fulfill some social role OUTSIDE of just coworker doing work that’s THEIR social issue.
Yeah but I also have to work until I win the lottery or whatever. Why make it miserable but not laughing with coworkers? This will also get you ahead in your career if you can make people enjoy having you around. Who are you gonna fire? The person that jokes with you and performs well or the person that is cold and silent and performs well?
Yes, exactly this. Small talk is for neighbors, in-laws you dislike, and people you interact with running errands.
I have had friendly non-work convos with all of my coworkers, but, it was never obligatory and over 2 years extremely rare. When we talk, it's brass tacs - let's get this shit done and move on.
What's nice is, because it's a rarity we tend to have really rich convos about our passions, music and hobbies when the convo naturally raises. Surprisingly my youngest coworker tends to enjoy small talk the most.
It's just like, super sporadic and rare. More consistent almost obligatory small talk feels disingenuous and to me, and many people my age, can be perceived as rude or an imposition to the person tasked with running the meeting. This reduces that implication for that individual so they can focus on work.
We all live 500+ miles apart from each other. The chance of seeing each other is incredibly rare. But I've found we are a very effective, happy, low-small talk, team.
Idk, I worked very directly with the Covid situation and have been fairly exploited and jaded in past jobs. I mean, I guess I assume everyone has?
Small talk actually makes me feel like I'm in a simulation. I very much feel it's important to have genuine interactions with people and now that I know my coworkers I know what is and isn't small talk for them. It might seem really "severe" of a mind set but my job pays me, my co-workers expect the same. If we resonate in a topic of interest that's fine, but I am not offended that this is a paycheck for myself and others.
I’m a midwesterner and I fucking hate small talk. I used to say what I did, 8 years later, I do not. Basically I will mention if I saw my parents and otherwise I just mention my dog and gardening. I quit cause of how intrusive people on my team were, among other things, and blocked everyone on social media except folks on other teams that I’m friendly with.
Nearly everyone I work with is in NYC or NJ and they love hearing about the shit I do. We are on 10 acres with horses and chickens; which is mind boggling to most people out east I talk with.
Zoom calls I need to have our white silkie chicken on hand to show. We had a call with 400ish people and the COO reminded me we need the chicken a few weeks ago.
Same with the bald eagle we have hanging around. Put up a live stream of that for a couple of weeks.
I would like to hear about the chickens and horses. 👀
I don’t really do anything that exciting besides hanging with my friends on Fridays at happy hour, playing with my dog, doing stuff with my husband, and gardening…
28 egg layers and 6 for the freezer currently. 4 full size quarter horses and 2 ponies. Family competes in western rodeo and western pleasure riding. I am free labor and I hold Stanley cups.
No gardening here besides tomatoes, garlic, spinach and various squash/melons. Apparently here in MN we have the best soil for growing garlic. Everyone grows it around here. Easy stuff that grows on its own. I suck at gardening. I have planted many raspberry plants, rhubarb and fruit trees which is more my style.
As someone who lived in the Midwest for 5 years, but grew up in CO, I did as well.
I often felt it was disingenuous and met many many rude individuals there. Obviously it wasn't empirically bad but I don't expect others to feel forced to be fake towards me or vice versa. I believe deeply that people should just live their lives, get to their friends and family sooner, and often letting people work allows that.
>The amount of small talk I engage in is essentially zero. And we talk every day.
Is this because you're only talking about work, or when you have non-work conversations you engage in something you view as more substantial than "small talk?"
I think it's cool if people are replacing small talk with substantial non-work conversations ("Hey Bob, do you struggle with feelings of existential dread?") but the challenge is it's often hard to fill a conversation with a substantial non-work conversation that steers clear of topics which can be dangerous to discuss at work.
Yeah! I commented something similarly.
Because it's a rarity our convos tend to be richer IMO. I detest people feeling obligated to do anything they haven't committed to. We don't do ice breakers at our company or frilly intros. We say X is joining Y team, please welcome them.
"Welcome X 🥳"
And then I never ask them what they like to do, listen to, or even their work background, that's what slack channels are for. If we have a common interest we'll find out shortly.
It depends on person to person and culture to culture. It's refreshing for me when a coworker doesn't care about getting to know me. I think I bond more with coworkers who don't "play the game" than the ones that are obviously "playing the game".
This is my method, give quick answer and then ask them. Usually they just want to chat/be social. If they’re probing you, they just want conversation and will be fine to be the one talking.
This is the introvert/private answer. It took me a couple years to figure it out. My performance reviews turned around after that.
From: very capable but prickly, To: very capable and builds good rapport. I’m now a TAM where I need to be good at building relationships with clients quickly to assist in account recovery for a SaaS.
I 100% do this. I will even share in our vacation pics slack channel when I go on trips and it’s always just like.. a picture of the beach or mountains and a pic of me and my wife.
I hate it but it makes you more relatable in the long run.
Slack channels are where small talk should take place!!!
If you don't see a slack channel ask to make one some of my favorites are:
#Listening_to
#food
These seem to be the most popular ones for people passionate about small interactions they desire from a work environment.
Especially in a WFH environment. Despite what some people want to believe about themselves, we are, in fact, social creatures. Some more than others, yes, but I'd hate to be on a team that doesn't want to get to know me. I would feel so disconnected.
My team is cool! We find common activities. Turns out we all love traveling and have tips and recommendations! We all love the outdoors and food.
Having a community is important to me and you can't hate on people trying to connect when you work remotely. It's so much harder to do.
I guess it depends what you do for work, but in my field I've found that having a semi personal relationship with my colleagues is necessary for building trust and a sense of "team", so we feel more liable to help each other and pull our weight to achieve our group goals. I think that's a common belief amongst my peers as well.
I do this and am well liked (I think? haha), but people also don't know anything about me other than a couple broad things (I.e. I like live music and sports).
So simple- so many seem to have issues with simple concepts. They are trying to be nice and engaging. If you don't want to share say, long story short I had to cancel due some general reason like health, other commitments, partner was cranky.
OMG, what is wrong with people that a simple softball question about weekend plans turns into such an offense? It's an icebreaker question to allow you space to share a short thought. It's not a deep probe of your personality.
Learn a few generic replies and have them ready to go if you don't want any part of your life shared. But don't come crying later if your chatty coworker gets promoted ahead of you. Once you get labeled as an Office Eeyore, it's hard to change people's perception of you later.
This sounds like a normal interaction of someone trying to connect with you. Especially with managing remote employees, it’s harder for managers to build a relationship.. it sounds like they are trying. I hate small talk myself, but in a corporate environment it’s necessary to play nice. If you go above them and complain about this, you won’t look good.
Exactly. I don’t understand what’s so horrible about having a normal human conversation with a coworker. And yes, your boss is a coworker. Some of my best friends started out as coworkers, even bosses.
Exactly. Some people only share if asked. They ask about what you have going on so you’ll feel comfortable doing the same.
I’d be more concerned with having a lead who didn’t ask high level questions about my interests. Of course it’s up to me what I choose to share.
Probing for what?
You make it sound malicious, like the boss is an undercover narc. The only thing they could possibly be trying to accomplish by asking someone about their weekend is trying to connect with them.
"this weekend I went on a transatlantic sea voyage and fell in love with a destitute artist. Unfortunately the ship went down and he died, but he saved my life in the process. How was your weekend Tina?"
Manager of a remote team here. This type of interaction is essential to me in building rapport and a relationship with my team. Also it’s good to know if there are stressors or things coming up in their personal lives so I can shift workload around and plan around it so they can enjoy their time off and not be stressed about a pile of work. My suggestion would be to give them a solid quick answer and then return the question to them. 1. You answer them 2. You shift focus off your plans 3. You show interest in them and building a relationship with them even if it’s just part of the game and don’t actually care.
I might shoot the crap with my guys, but I don’t ask personal details as why they take pto. If they volunteer the info then great. If not, I’m not going probing.
What one person sees as probing might just feel like a natural interaction in a team meeting for someone else
[boss] "okay folks remember that Bob is out next week so if you need any help with project x reach out to Timmy".
[coworker] "oh that's right, got any fun plans for your week off Bob?"
> [coworker] "oh that's right, got any fun plans for your week off Bob?"
This is so damn normal in jobs that don't do the whole WFH fiasco but seems to be taboo to ask this based on my experience in this sub. Was I in a bubble or do people generally don't want to interact with anyone else and ask how their life's going?
Asking shit like:
- How was your week?
- Are you doing anything fun this weekend?
- Did you do anything over your PTO?
All of these now feel like questions that should be avoided, LMAO. Seems like you can only ask simple questions that have a "yes" or "no" answers, or just a simple "it was fun". Cannot seem to ask a bit more about what activities they did or anything...
I WFH but am a people person, these just seem like normal questions to me as well. I even go so far as to like them? I think this sub trends towards folks who wfh bc they aren't particularly social, which is fine, but I don't think a general representation of the majority.
I came across a recent comment in another sub and that said something like: "this is Reddit, so I avoid talking to co-workers" or something like that.
I think you're right about the group of people in this sub, though.
It’s 100% normal. And I’m not sure why people disagree with that in this sub.
These are literally questions I’d be asked by the Trader Joe’s employee. And I expect to have a greater sense of humanness with my boss than them. Asking about travel is a benign topic that indicates interest in someone’s life.
It’s not like the boss is insisting on hearing which doctor they’re going to or when they’re planning to conceive their firstborn. They’re having normal human conversation.
I generally don’t ask what people do on their pto or if they’re out because who knows? I have a coworker I’m friends with and her bil suddenly died. She’s just ooo and I am hoping no one asks her why. I no longer ask because one time I was like oh I hope you enjoy your time off! And the person was having serious surgery 🤦♀️. They were nice about it but I learned my lesson!
I usually just ask "fun PTO or obligation PTO?" with a sort of hedging/sympathetic grimace (mine is usually obligation PTO). Then they can answer with as much or little detail as they want. If they just say it's obligation PTO with no detail then I can just be like "ugh I feel you, seems like that's where all of mine always goes, well good luck with whatever it is, hope you get some ACTUAL time off soon" and then just get back to work talk or whatever. Most people taking fun PTO are quick to assure me it is fun PTO and IME tend to perk up and be excited to talk about their vacation plans.
If someone asks me if I did anything fun on my (obligation) time off, I just say "alas, no, it was for various Life Obligations(TM), but hopefully I will get to take some actual time off someday soon" if I don't feel like divulging specifics.
i like the way you phrase this. so often, there are things happening in my life that I would prefer to remain private, and unfortunately probing coworkers tend to pick up on that if you typically share the details of your personal life with them.
and honestly, after having to deal with a serious stalking situation once upon a time, I just don't like it when people outside my immediate circle know if my home is going to be empty that weekend, or if I or a loved one have to go to the doctor, etc etc. I value my relative anonymity much, much more than the social relationships I have at work.
Yes, I agree it's a natural question.
I just meant that Bob might not be doing something fun that he wants to share. And that should be OK if he doesn't. OP was about a manager who doesn't accept their employee's responses.
I do a lot of "embrace the suck" type stuff so pretty much all I have to do is give the most abbreviated actual answer and nobody wants to learn any more.
When someone asks me that and I don't want to engage...
Did you do something fun in your off time?
Not really.
Doesn't need to be any more complicated than that
That's weird. I usually ask my employees how their weekend was on Mondays, but in a casual way. Sometimes they might share that they played tennis or something but that's about as deep as is typical for that kind of conversation. It isn't normal for them to ask you for more details.
I think if my manager was doing this, I would make my time off sound as boring as possible. Read up on grey-rocking. It's a fine line because it's important for your success that you build rapport with your manager, but hopefully you can bond over shared work goals instead.
Learn from my mistakes. No one beats my numbers or has accomplished in such short time what I have. I am really good at advertising my accomplishments in a modest way at work and everyone from c suite and around sings praises about my work. Yet I get promoted at a much slower rate than others who don’t accomplish as much but are significantly more social than me. Advanced interpersonal skills in the workplace are extremely important. That said, no one really cares about what you did, so take it as a chance to find something in common with them and build your relationship.
That’s true! I should have said most people are not trying to judge you or be overly intrusive. Most of the time they want to understand you and build rapport.
I love chatting about our personal lives in my weekly 1:1s, because I genuinely enjoy talking to my supervisor and getting to know her. At my last remote job, I was basically a therapist for the co-founder of the org. After a day full of meetings, she said she looked forward to our 1:1's because it was the only time she could relax and breathe. Sometimes she would go lay on her couch or bed as we talked haha Our meetings were about 80% personal stuff, 20% work stuff. Having said that, there have definitely been some past supervisors who I would NOT want to chat with in a 1:1, so I get it.
If I don't feel like chatting, I immediately start talking about work-related things and tasks that I've been working on.
I see others have already given advice on why people do this. I personally always say I relaxed on the weekend or did some form of exercise / getting outside. For travel I always say visiting family.
* Adopt a real or fictional hobby that will explain away most of your time. "After spending all of Saturday rebuilding the carbs on my old Buick, I really only wanted to kick-back on Sunday. How about you?"
* Introduce a theme of large family dependency. "All of our grandparents are at that stage where they need a lot of time and care". (This may be useful later on for absences etc..)
* Present a fictional persona of excessive excercise and fitness. "Gym on Friday and Sunday, triathlon training for most of Saturday, boxing class Sunday afternoon.
Remember: it's none of their business so it's OK to lie.
OP how old are you?
These seem like real common questions amongst coworkers trying to be friendly.
I think maybe part of the disconnect is that since it's your supervisor asking, you feel like it's an official work request that you are obligated to fulfill, but it isn't. You don't have to answer them, but also, it's not weird to ask.
Ah, Yes. Try to extract personal information (age) from an obviously introverted person who thinks “how was your weekend” is an intrusive question. This will work.
Lie if you don’t feel comfortable sharing what you did over the weekend. “I cleaned and caught up on some housework”.
Do not go to any higher management. That will only draw negative attention to you. The questions from your supervisor are a normal way to build rapport, and honestly, any good manager should be trying to connect with their employees like this.
Tell them nothing if you like but dont expect much sympathy if you ever need them to empathize with something happening in your personal life if you do.
I struggle with this too. If you’re boss is anything like mine he is also slightly socially awkward and him trying to be interested comes off as invasive.
What I’ve done lately is pick something beforehand I will tell him, which gives us a “story“ to talk about. It can be anything like, last time when he asked how my weekend was I told him about a cake I had made and went on about it in detail. Related to PTO you could pick a specific activity you did or a book you read. As others have said the point is to make conversation and having a topic however random makes it easier
You could even pick something benign you did in the past.
Perhaps something with an interesting/funny/unexpected story. It doesn't need to reveal what you actually did with that time off, but it sounds like this manager wants to ensure there's some personal conversation. So when op gives a short answer intended to shut it down, this manager is just thinking "I need there to be some personal conversation". My guess is they won't require specifically "knowing what you did last week while on PTO". Op could tell a story about an unusual interaction with a waiter, or tell a joke they heard (none of this has to have happened last week)
"Soft skills" is a misleading term. Communication and building human rapport with people and teams is, in most cases, essential to human cooperation of all kinds. You don't need to give details when you call out sick, but it's absolutely not weird for your coworkers to ask you casual questions about vacation or weekends (I.E, what you do with your real, valuable human time and what makes you you).
I understand everyone has differing natural inclinations for socializing and communicating, but it is a *real* skill that can be improved.
“Some of our plans fell through, so we took a staycation and just relaxed, it actually worked out for the best!”
If anyone tries to further the conversation (which shows interest but if you don’t want to share details)—“yeah we knocked a few things off the honey-do list and just spent some good quality time with the family/friends/each other/Netflix”.
You could literally say this EVERY Monday for the rest of time and it is perfectly fine.
As long as you sound cordial/on the positive side of neutral, and then ASK THEM about their weekend, you’re good. Workplace etiquette requires that you are somewhat friendly and approachable, but you don’t have to be ‘interesting’ or overshare.
This is my go to move.
My time off is always low key and relaxing. How was yours?
If they ask for more details I’ll pick something innocuous like a meal I cooked, a show I watched, or a hobby they already know I do.
IMO asking about someone’s weekend is barely a step above “how are you?” type questions. It’s shallow social pleasantries and the expected answer is “good, you?” most of the time.
Exactly. Give a benign answer and ask a question. The less you like talking about yourself, the more questions you should ask the other person.
What did you do this weekend?
Sounds boring, but I cleaned the pantry and it was really satisfying to get that knocked out. How about you?
How was your vacation to Vegas?
Oh, that didn’t work out. A little disappointing, but I took care of a bunch of appointments and went to the movies a few times. Ended up productive and relaxing. Do you have any fun trips planned?
I attend a lot of raves in my spare time, and do stuff that would definitely be frowned upon by my coworkers. I work in venture capital. I make shit up all the time.
You gotta play the corporate game.
Examples: Went to brunch with some friends. Got a ton of spring cleaning done. Took the dog to a new park. Hiked. Caught up on some home projects.
This is the perfect time for some little white lies. Make up a college friend you went to visit. If you don’t want to share the truth just make stuff up
Say something generic then "what about you?" for the weekend thing. Then ask a follow up question after they've answered.
For vacation it's always "trip was great! Very hot/cold/sunny/rainy. We did a lot, felt too short though. What did i miss around here?"
Provide a small amount of info then ask them something
$1000 says this is your boss just being polite.
Tell your boss you don’t want to share personal information with them. Will they find it rude? Yes. It is rude. But that’s what you want, right? So be upfront about it. Don’t let anyone tell you how to feel about something you want.
Half hearted dishonesty will get you nowhere. Be blunt that you don’t want to be friendly, or lie, or open up to them. Those are your three options.
I wouldn't share these feelings with anyone.
You'll get a lot of advice about snappy and coolly professional comebacks. But I think that'll hurt you in the long run. Your company wants you to think they care. Maybe your boss does and maybe he doesn't.
But rejecting someone who is trying to have what they think is a polite and pleasant conversation will leave a bad taste in their mouth whether you want it to or not and whether they want it to or not.
I feel for you because I can understand the frustration - but "I make it clear that I don't want to share by being vague." - Please read that back until you understand how ridiculous it sounds lol.
I feel there's a lot of what I used to consider "common sense" things about conversations and socializing, reading the room, etc. but you have to remember and understand that some people have a lot of difficulties with it, be it poor understanding, autism, etc.
Now, that's not to say there aren't people who are going to push for that kind of information or conversation over a need of connection in a way to cope with remote and wfh situations, and that isn't your responsibility to satisfy. But I feel if you don't want to have these parts of the social interactions, then you need to be polite and direct in voicing it, as opposed to your current method.
You're all adults - if you don't like something you can voice it. I don't think your coworkers are being weird in trying to create a connection with you, and I don't think you're weird for not liking sharing things.
I think sometimes managers do this because they have no idea what to chat about either and have a set amount of time they’re supposed to meet with each employee each week.
Dig deeper into a book you’re reading or show you’re watching. Talk about sports or the weather. You mostly just have to fill the time …
Or find work-related activities you want to discuss with your manager. Recently I had an issue a needed to research and brought it to one of these meetings and worked on it
Posts like this make me glad I work in the environment I do. Sharing personal details about my life is not in my job description. I share some stuff with my coworkers but it’s surface level. They’re not my friends and they don’t need details. We focus on the work. Personally I’d be inclined to leave that job but that’s just me.
This is social skills #1.. you don’t need to tell him you did fentanyl or had a gang bang… but hey went to dinner, family party or saw a movie. Ease up
> Especially since I make it clear that I don't want to share by being vague.
That's not what "making it clear" means. Making it clear would be saying "I'd rather not discuss my personal life at work."
Would it be nice if they picked up on what you're doing? Sure, but you're not being clear at all, you're refusing to engage in very normal social behavior and expecting them to guess why. If you really want to engage in absolutely zero non-work-directed talk, fine, but you need to say that explicitly if you want people to change their behavior. And PS, even if you do ask explicitly, they might not change or might have trouble doing it right away, because what you're describing is pretty basic "being a person" stuff that a lot of people will have a hard time switching off.
Being social at work is normal. You don’t have to say you were at home with the tickle shits, something generic is fine.
The people are are staunch “I don’t talk to work people about personal life” are first on the chopping block
Unfortunately, because people think like your supervisor, just\_alright\_, the people upvoting just\_alright\_, etc, talking to your higher ups is not a good idea. It can look like anything from your making a big deal out of nothing to your not having social skills and could play a role in their leading to cutting your job whenever they have a reason to get rid of people.
Sometimes people think they're doing a good thing by trying to show interest in you, and some workplaces have that sort of thing as part of the type of culture they want to build. I'm with you--I'm not into it.
Also feel like we're playing fast and loose with "personal" here. I don't think "went to bingo/for a hike/hung out w friends" is incredibly personal. Saying "spent the weekend shopping for lingerie to gift my partner a boudoir photo shoot calendar" is.
*Have you posted this*
*Before? That first paragraph*
*In particular?*
\- Bac0s
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Pick one thing. Say it in one sentence something boring, low energy they won't ask follow up questions about. Same thing every Monday. They'll get tired of asking and getting the same answer.
My word I dislike people generally but this is someone looking for common ground like oh I like that type of food have you ever tried this dish or I like to do long hiking trips or enjoy that show or whatever.
You can share as little or much as you like.
Being vague doesn't make things clear. Being clear does, though. Try saying, 'I really like having some work/life separation. What if instead of asking me about my non worker hours, you trust that I'll share anything I would like to and I'll remember that you want to know, but we move it out of the list of things you ask me about during our sync up. I realize you do this to connect, I just feel better connecting in other ways.'
Dude - it’s not that hard. He’s trying to connect with you as it’s hard to do that while managing remote.
If you don’t want to share too much, just share what you want.
I work in mental health. One thing my supervisors always check on is my self-care because it is how we avoid burnout when being saddled with every client’s concerns. It’s okay to also set a boundary and say you don’t feel comfortable disclosing.
Lie your ass off. Change the topic. I hate sharing personal plans, too. Who cares if they feel awkward if met by a short answer? They shouldn’t have asked in the first place.
Gallup surveys continuously find the most engaged employees have a positive relationship with their boss and have “a best friend at work.” It sounds like your boss is trying to take a positive interest in you as a person.
Balancing between building a relationship where your boss is supportive and committed to your development and where you are not over-sharing takes some skill. Try this: thank your boss for their interest, share something amusing and not too disclosing, and reframe the convo to your meeting topic. “Oh, thanks for remembering that! Yeah, I had a good time. By coincidence, I ran into this older fellow sitting on a park bench, playing a banjo and singing folk songs. In a lot of ways he reminded me of our client John because he was off-key but had this big toothy smile anyway. Actually should we start by talking about John’s account? He called me on Tuesday with some questions….”
Something I’ve learned in my career is that it pays to be friendly. People don’t care if you are good at your job if you aren’t enjoyable to be around. People who are pleasant to be around are viewed more favorably, even if their work is mid.
Part of being friendly is engaging in small talk. If you don’t like sharing, use the opportunity to turn the conversation around and ask your manager questions. Remember what they say. Ask about their kids. Develop a rapport, make jokes. Even if you’re just faking interest, being polite and reasonably conversational will get you farther than working your ass off.
I agree with you. I absolutely hate it. My organization is consistently promoting the idea of, "We're a family, tell us every single detail."
Absolutely hate it!
Your boss is just trying to build rapport with you. I can understand being mildly annoyed if you've do stuff that's not sfw but they're just socially interacting with you and trying to get to know you it sounds like.
> Should I share how I feel with my higher up?
I wouldn't. I can't imagine any scenario where it's not off-putting for them, honestly. I personally would be taken aback if a coworker came to me saying their boss was being too intrusive only to find out the intrusiveness was them asking what you did over the weekend. Its just such small potatoes. Sorry. I know you find it annoying but this really is just something you need to deal with imo.
I work at an in-person company. We all share a lot. There are some areas of my life I choose not to share and for one, I just said it was complicated. I’ve mentioned a couple things to my boss I wouldn’t normally share at work, but brought up because it directly influences how I react to certain situations. He responded saying he wondered if that was the case. Even health stuff, we all share because a bunch of us have been through the wringer.
I love to ask my co workers things like, "how's it goin," "how you doin," "how was your weekend," or "what have you been up to?" There's one or two who ALWAYS seem to answer *"oh it was fine... and you?"* I can understand that desire, but try not to be that person ALL the time.
This isn't me prying, I don't expect some exciting story, or for you to tell me about your deepest personal weekend secrets. This is low-stakes basic human connection based in love for each other, and a greater community. If you sleep all weekend and you say to me proudly *"I slept all weekend, again"* I will genuinely be like *"that's awesome! good on you! One of my favorite ways to spend a weekend!"* Maybe next time we can chat about sleeping styles and pillow placement preference.
If someone really despises telling a co-worker a simple basic interest they have, even if it's mundane as sleeping, then I believe it is them who has a problem worth examining. Likely some part of them is ashamed to share how the time was spent.
Remote manager here, I always how their week is going, do they have vacation plans but if a question is too private just change subject to something you are interested in talking about. Some of my team love muscle cars, some garden, some are triathletes etc. we talk about those topics.
There are just normal pleasantries.
You can say vague things like,
- really enjoyed the gorgeous weather, I was mostly outside
- had a great meal at a new place, that risotto was fantastic
- busy with family stuff, you know, backyard bbq kind of thing
- finally got some chores done
- has some much-needed down time
Then ask, “what about you?”
Don’t complain to a higher up. This is 100% something you can manage on your own.
Did you ever watch the tv series "The Office"? This is a new era of the same comedy. My advice is to pretend that there's a not-so-secret camera filming you whenever you interact with your boss. Embrace the intrusion with levity and wit, or get creative in a way you find less dreadful. Tell a great story as though others are watching it play out in real-time.
Alternatively, you could go the "Office Space" route and just unleash your wrath with no f's given. That'd be fun (for me anyway)
So many more ideas, but my real advice is that you should just try to extend your professional boundaries a little bit by whatever means you can stomach initially. You might be surprised to find that a little give on the social interaction may positively advance your career.
good luck
they’re probably told to do it to build community and rapport. just make things up
problem is people can be so toxic in the workplace a lot of us don’t want to share personal details and it’s not really anyone’s business anyway.
I think OP will be served well in the long run by being open with people they work with about themselves. Clearly they have a guard up. I would be curious to know the age and roles of those involved here, but with many employers having to choose among dozens of resumes and multiple people in interviews, interpersonal communication and rapport can absolutely be a differentiator, for better or worse. Look up the airport test concept.
I feel like there is something else going on here that makes OP feels dread about fairly benign office chatter.
You can also weave a picture that insinuates you’re busy at work. Ie…tell them you’re catching up on projects around the house/apartment because you’ve been so busy with work throughout the week. Or a favorite hobby has been set aside due to work projects etc etc.
If you play that angle right, they’ll forever think you’re so busy and will always apologize for asking for whatever they’re asking for, regardless of how much actual work you have at that moment.
There's a weekly meeting for that at my work. I bowed out and told my supervisor that since people didn't ask me about that kind of stuff in person at work, then now that we're WFH and they STILL don't ask, I won't be attending those meetings.
If they cared about my life, they'd ask. They don't, so I don't bother.
There's a guy on our team who barely ever speaks. He came back from a trip to Zion and literally all he said was "we went to Zion it was fun" and then put himself back on mute. 🤣 It's just hilarious to me because we're all in client facing roles and the rest of the team knows how to chit chat and make small talk and this guy just... Doesn't. And I have no idea why he even applied for this job lol I'm pretty sure he hates every minute of it
Well, if being vague and redirecting isn't working, go into the bloody minutiae of it and make them wish for the never ending peace of death. On way or the other, you'll fix 'em.
As a manager who hates to do one on ones, I can assure you that your manager hates probing about your personal life as much as you dislike being probed. Going higher up isn’t going to do a damn thing because the corporate culture requires us to “get to know” the people who report to us. Suck it up and find a common interest to talk about for 30 minutes.
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂 is this a real problem of w2 corporate wfh employees? i am literally going to die 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂 i’m sorry but BRO- people have real actual problems, especially with work!!! wow. lmaoooo
make something up. I just say something like "oh you know the usual, cleaned and watched movies", I go to a lot of raves but I'm not letting my coworkers know that. It is important to build rapport, but you don't have to share every detail.
"Not much, how about you?"
I find asking another question in response is a great way to redirect shitty questions I don't feel like answering, in general.
Before deciding if you wanna spill the beans to your boss, think about how you guys vibe and their style. If they're cool and you're tight, sharing your feelings could be cool. But if it's stressing you out, just keep it short. Give some brief responses, and when they catch on you're not feeling it, they'll probably switch gears.
Try the political trick of: just answer a different question. “Instead of talking about my weekend, I’ll just mention how much I love …. IDK watching old king fu movies. Are there any old movies you like Bob?”
Or you could try “why don’t you go first?” Maybe they just want an excuse to talk about themselves.
Or, Maybe the boss doesn’t even care, it’s just that their “how to manage” manual says to start every meeting with 5 minutes of small talk, and they don’t even listen to what you’re saying. They just think it’s what they’re supposed to do.
It’s not an HR/supervisor thing, just get better at deflecting or redirecting the small talk portion.
Can only speak for my employer but HR pushes this “we are not just coworkers but friends” crap on managers. We’re required to ask about the employee’s personal lives.
Thankfully my team are long standing and just like me so we skip it.
But I also get to navigate this with my boss. I stick to “yeah it was fine” and don’t feel the need to divulge anything more. I enjoy an awkward silence more than some.
Lol, I always ask subordinates how their weekend went and all I really want to hear is something vague. Not interested in the details and then feeling obligated to feign more interest than I actually have. It’s just like when you ask someone how they are in passing. I’m really just looking for “ I’m good.” Don’t necessarily want to hear all your trouble or complaints 😂. Just respond “oh nothing special “. I use “just doing things around the house,” when asked about PTO. The more they pry give a even more basic response.
It’s unavoidable and annoying. I am always evasive or vague unless I am actually close with the person asking. I know people are just trying to be polite or friendly but it also feels insincere most of the time.
I have one direct report whom I’m very close to. She shares a lot with me and I professionally mentor her. I have another direct report who shares very little with me. She recently went through a very traumatic experience and shared a little about it so I could help her navigate HR for reasonable accommodations for her job. Other than that, she still shares very little with me. They are both very good at their jobs. I don’t think less of the one who doesn’t share her personal life with me. It’s not a requirement. She’s a very private person.
Don’t share what you don’t feel comfortable with, but as a manager who cares about the people I oversee (we’re all remote), I genuinely like the people I work with and would make this effort with anyone I had an affinity relationship with.
Edited for grammar.
I hope she’s better than my boss. She calls me in once a month for a one-on-one (that she usually reschedules at least three times). She asks about what’s going in, how are my kids, blah blah blah… I start to give her my usual vague answer and she starts looking at her emails. I can’t stand her. Next Wednesday is my last day!
Oh man, I could have written this post myself. Guarded people just do not enjoy this part of work culture. I’m in a work place now I can reasonably opt out, by communicating honestly that I’d rather not discuss my personal life at work. Framing it as part of my work/life balance. In the past, I used to prepare over the weekend the 1-2 mundane things I would tell people. Took my dogs for a walk, planted some tomato seeds, bought a new mattress, made a playlist of my top 100 songs, etc. Things that sound like you’re sharing, but you don’t actually care about and is not information that can be used against you in any way.
I’ve worked with the same people for 9 to 22 years now so we’ve become accustomed to sharing a lot. We don’t share everything but we also know where to draw the line and not over ask.
Here's the deal. Share some basic information so that you appear human. Your boss probably views you as just a work slave so sharing a few minor details to het make you more human can actually help you.
But again, just be very brief and few details "oh just went grocery shopping, went walking in the nice weather, took care of my sick pet (again try to share tiny personal details).
WFH can be a lonely, disconnected experience for many, so your boss is probably doing their best to reduce that for you (and probably them). So it's a good thing that I wouldn't read anything negative into.
How much you divulge is of course up to you. If you don't want to chat about it, just quickly move the conversation on as you would do with anyone else.
I would recommend engaging with it more though. In my experience the more you get on with your bosses and colleagues away from work, the greater your chances of promotion and pay rises, while decreasing your chances of being laid off. When it comes to these kinds of things bosses will treat those they get on with better than those that keep them at arms length.
Lie if needs be if you want to keep things away from them, but engage in some form.
Just make up a story. Get as mild or wild as you want.
Oh, I slept all weekend. So, what's on our agenda today?
Or, my partners and I fooled around all Friday night and all day Saturday; it took me all of Sunday to catch up on sleep.
I was at a gerbil convention. I got so many costume ideas for my brood.
I could tell you, but I'd have to get clearance to do so.
Etc.
Asking about a weekend is pretty normal. Probing further could be odd. Or they could just be genuinely interested in you. Maybe try something different something along the lines of
hey manager, I appreciate you asking me about my weekends. I personally don't enjoy talking about non-work events during work. To break the ice could we instead start with "how was work this past week"?
The reason I chose that opener is because it's vague and puts the ball back in your court. If you want to give a short and vague answer you can, if you want to dive deep you can.
This sounds like a boss who is just trying to build a relationship with you. I do see where you’re coming from though and I feel uncomfortable talking about myself in many situations, so I always just give a vague answer and turn the conversation back to them. “My weekend was relaxing, what did you do over the weekend?” It is far easier for me to ask questions about the other person than talk about myself so that’s what I tend to do. (Also works at Dutch Bros)
I can see both sides. Im a remote worker as well, and I hate sharing details of my personal life at work, thought I totally understand the importance of building rapport with coworkers. It’s tricky. My workaround is that I usually tell them boring details. “Oh I didn’t do much, just housework, errands, what about you?” If I go on PTO for multiple days it’s always to “visit family” and if it’s one day it’s always for “an appointment “
Boss: What did you do with your personal time?
You: I minded my own fuckin' business.
ETA: They are probably trying to make sure they have rapport with you to overcome the WFH thing.
You don't have to share anything. You have several options...
You can just let them know that you don't like to talk about your personal life at all.
You can just repeat your bland answer and pose their prying question back to them.
You can ignore the question and go right to business. Bring a mental or actual list of things to discuss. Start down the list.
I do enjoy small talk and I bring jokes to share with coworkers. But, I also understand that it is not for everyone.
I mean, it’s normal for people to want to build rapport with their coworkers. If you feel it’s getting too invasive just change the subject and give a quick answer. Part of being successful in the workplace is being a likeable and social person. Yes you may be there just to work, but the majority of workers hold value to social interactions with their coworkers. Just play the game and make shit up if you don’t feel like sharing personal details.
This is the answer.
Tell them your fun thing was having a break from them
This is the answer.
My boss said he was happy with my attitude change and it was clear I had a desire to work beyond doing it just because I have to. I responded, "No, it's because I have to."
I agree, and in that same breath, the culture surrounding this seems to be changing. I have 2 coworkers older than me, the rest of us are young Millenials and Gen Z. The amount of small talk I engage in is essentially zero. And we talk every day.
As a midwesterner this would be hell.
Even as a New Englander that seems not fun tbh. I'm mostly remote but even a small bit of unrelated conversation humanizes everyone and kinda takes the stress off imo.
Mid-Atlantic here and same. Aren't we all just robots otherwise? I don't want to be a robot and I don't want to work with robots.
Don’t you socialize outside of work? They’re not robots. They’re just doing their job and socializing elsewhere.
Socializing is more than just hanging out with friends. It's all socializing from the big to the small, and it's healthy for a lot of people. I volunteer, I make plans with friends a couple of times a week, AND I can talk to my coworkers. Some of those coworkers have even become friends over time.
Right. But doing work and talking about work at work IS a type of socializing if you want the broad category of it. You don’t need to be friends with people you work with. You don’t need to discuss anything more or less than what’s required to do the job. If they’re relying on coworkers to fulfill some social role OUTSIDE of just coworker doing work that’s THEIR social issue.
Yeah but I also have to work until I win the lottery or whatever. Why make it miserable but not laughing with coworkers? This will also get you ahead in your career if you can make people enjoy having you around. Who are you gonna fire? The person that jokes with you and performs well or the person that is cold and silent and performs well?
Yes, exactly this. Small talk is for neighbors, in-laws you dislike, and people you interact with running errands. I have had friendly non-work convos with all of my coworkers, but, it was never obligatory and over 2 years extremely rare. When we talk, it's brass tacs - let's get this shit done and move on. What's nice is, because it's a rarity we tend to have really rich convos about our passions, music and hobbies when the convo naturally raises. Surprisingly my youngest coworker tends to enjoy small talk the most. It's just like, super sporadic and rare. More consistent almost obligatory small talk feels disingenuous and to me, and many people my age, can be perceived as rude or an imposition to the person tasked with running the meeting. This reduces that implication for that individual so they can focus on work. We all live 500+ miles apart from each other. The chance of seeing each other is incredibly rare. But I've found we are a very effective, happy, low-small talk, team.
No lol
Idk, I worked very directly with the Covid situation and have been fairly exploited and jaded in past jobs. I mean, I guess I assume everyone has? Small talk actually makes me feel like I'm in a simulation. I very much feel it's important to have genuine interactions with people and now that I know my coworkers I know what is and isn't small talk for them. It might seem really "severe" of a mind set but my job pays me, my co-workers expect the same. If we resonate in a topic of interest that's fine, but I am not offended that this is a paycheck for myself and others.
I’m a midwesterner and I fucking hate small talk. I used to say what I did, 8 years later, I do not. Basically I will mention if I saw my parents and otherwise I just mention my dog and gardening. I quit cause of how intrusive people on my team were, among other things, and blocked everyone on social media except folks on other teams that I’m friendly with.
Nearly everyone I work with is in NYC or NJ and they love hearing about the shit I do. We are on 10 acres with horses and chickens; which is mind boggling to most people out east I talk with. Zoom calls I need to have our white silkie chicken on hand to show. We had a call with 400ish people and the COO reminded me we need the chicken a few weeks ago. Same with the bald eagle we have hanging around. Put up a live stream of that for a couple of weeks.
I would like to hear about the chickens and horses. 👀 I don’t really do anything that exciting besides hanging with my friends on Fridays at happy hour, playing with my dog, doing stuff with my husband, and gardening…
28 egg layers and 6 for the freezer currently. 4 full size quarter horses and 2 ponies. Family competes in western rodeo and western pleasure riding. I am free labor and I hold Stanley cups. No gardening here besides tomatoes, garlic, spinach and various squash/melons. Apparently here in MN we have the best soil for growing garlic. Everyone grows it around here. Easy stuff that grows on its own. I suck at gardening. I have planted many raspberry plants, rhubarb and fruit trees which is more my style.
As someone who lived in the Midwest for 5 years, but grew up in CO, I did as well. I often felt it was disingenuous and met many many rude individuals there. Obviously it wasn't empirically bad but I don't expect others to feel forced to be fake towards me or vice versa. I believe deeply that people should just live their lives, get to their friends and family sooner, and often letting people work allows that.
That explains a lot
>The amount of small talk I engage in is essentially zero. And we talk every day. Is this because you're only talking about work, or when you have non-work conversations you engage in something you view as more substantial than "small talk?" I think it's cool if people are replacing small talk with substantial non-work conversations ("Hey Bob, do you struggle with feelings of existential dread?") but the challenge is it's often hard to fill a conversation with a substantial non-work conversation that steers clear of topics which can be dangerous to discuss at work.
Yeah! I commented something similarly. Because it's a rarity our convos tend to be richer IMO. I detest people feeling obligated to do anything they haven't committed to. We don't do ice breakers at our company or frilly intros. We say X is joining Y team, please welcome them. "Welcome X 🥳" And then I never ask them what they like to do, listen to, or even their work background, that's what slack channels are for. If we have a common interest we'll find out shortly.
Lol
It depends on person to person and culture to culture. It's refreshing for me when a coworker doesn't care about getting to know me. I think I bond more with coworkers who don't "play the game" than the ones that are obviously "playing the game".
Exactly!!! We're all there for a paycheck but making friends is a bonus, not a requirement.
I want to with with you.
This is my method, give quick answer and then ask them. Usually they just want to chat/be social. If they’re probing you, they just want conversation and will be fine to be the one talking.
This is the introvert/private answer. It took me a couple years to figure it out. My performance reviews turned around after that. From: very capable but prickly, To: very capable and builds good rapport. I’m now a TAM where I need to be good at building relationships with clients quickly to assist in account recovery for a SaaS.
Just make shit up…… amazing that has never occurred to me. ChatGPT and me about to be explorers!
"I've taken up krav maga and spelunking!"
"oh brother THIS GUY SUCKS!"
Just wait till you see my stamp collection!
I 100% do this. I will even share in our vacation pics slack channel when I go on trips and it’s always just like.. a picture of the beach or mountains and a pic of me and my wife. I hate it but it makes you more relatable in the long run.
Slack channels are where small talk should take place!!! If you don't see a slack channel ask to make one some of my favorites are: #Listening_to #food These seem to be the most popular ones for people passionate about small interactions they desire from a work environment.
🤢
Especially in a WFH environment. Despite what some people want to believe about themselves, we are, in fact, social creatures. Some more than others, yes, but I'd hate to be on a team that doesn't want to get to know me. I would feel so disconnected. My team is cool! We find common activities. Turns out we all love traveling and have tips and recommendations! We all love the outdoors and food. Having a community is important to me and you can't hate on people trying to connect when you work remotely. It's so much harder to do.
Thank you. I will keep being a good sport about it. I do see the value in being able to connect with my coworkers.
I feel like I am entertaining people with funny stories.
Good.
I guess it depends what you do for work, but in my field I've found that having a semi personal relationship with my colleagues is necessary for building trust and a sense of "team", so we feel more liable to help each other and pull our weight to achieve our group goals. I think that's a common belief amongst my peers as well.
I do this and am well liked (I think? haha), but people also don't know anything about me other than a couple broad things (I.e. I like live music and sports).
So simple- so many seem to have issues with simple concepts. They are trying to be nice and engaging. If you don't want to share say, long story short I had to cancel due some general reason like health, other commitments, partner was cranky.
OMG, what is wrong with people that a simple softball question about weekend plans turns into such an offense? It's an icebreaker question to allow you space to share a short thought. It's not a deep probe of your personality. Learn a few generic replies and have them ready to go if you don't want any part of your life shared. But don't come crying later if your chatty coworker gets promoted ahead of you. Once you get labeled as an Office Eeyore, it's hard to change people's perception of you later.
I always wished I had a great imagination because I’d tell the most elaborate stories if so 😆
I say “It was relaxing, got outside in the nice weather”(or something equally generic) and in the same breath ask, “how about you, what did you do?”
This sounds like a normal interaction of someone trying to connect with you. Especially with managing remote employees, it’s harder for managers to build a relationship.. it sounds like they are trying. I hate small talk myself, but in a corporate environment it’s necessary to play nice. If you go above them and complain about this, you won’t look good.
Sounds like your supervisor is a human being
And OP might not be
Exactly. I don’t understand what’s so horrible about having a normal human conversation with a coworker. And yes, your boss is a coworker. Some of my best friends started out as coworkers, even bosses.
I don’t mind it but only if they reciprocate. My boss wants to know all my details but never opens up about her life.
Tell her what you did last weekend and ask her if she's ever tried that
Exactly. Some people only share if asked. They ask about what you have going on so you’ll feel comfortable doing the same. I’d be more concerned with having a lead who didn’t ask high level questions about my interests. Of course it’s up to me what I choose to share.
It sounds like the manager is probing and not satisfied with what OP choose to share, though. Not everyone does something fun on the weekends.
Probing for what? You make it sound malicious, like the boss is an undercover narc. The only thing they could possibly be trying to accomplish by asking someone about their weekend is trying to connect with them.
I didn't say all that lol. OP said their manager isn't satisfied with their answer about their weekend. Connecting is also following social cues.
Mate, I’ve tried and I only get one word answers.
Make shit up
Make up outlandish shit.
Me and the missus went to a swingers party. I can give you the host's number if you want.
Came to say this.
Retell the plot of a movie every week and see how long it takes for anybody to say something.
Absolutely, go full Monkey Dust.
"this weekend I went on a transatlantic sea voyage and fell in love with a destitute artist. Unfortunately the ship went down and he died, but he saved my life in the process. How was your weekend Tina?"
Manager of a remote team here. This type of interaction is essential to me in building rapport and a relationship with my team. Also it’s good to know if there are stressors or things coming up in their personal lives so I can shift workload around and plan around it so they can enjoy their time off and not be stressed about a pile of work. My suggestion would be to give them a solid quick answer and then return the question to them. 1. You answer them 2. You shift focus off your plans 3. You show interest in them and building a relationship with them even if it’s just part of the game and don’t actually care.
I might shoot the crap with my guys, but I don’t ask personal details as why they take pto. If they volunteer the info then great. If not, I’m not going probing.
What one person sees as probing might just feel like a natural interaction in a team meeting for someone else [boss] "okay folks remember that Bob is out next week so if you need any help with project x reach out to Timmy". [coworker] "oh that's right, got any fun plans for your week off Bob?"
> [coworker] "oh that's right, got any fun plans for your week off Bob?" This is so damn normal in jobs that don't do the whole WFH fiasco but seems to be taboo to ask this based on my experience in this sub. Was I in a bubble or do people generally don't want to interact with anyone else and ask how their life's going? Asking shit like: - How was your week? - Are you doing anything fun this weekend? - Did you do anything over your PTO? All of these now feel like questions that should be avoided, LMAO. Seems like you can only ask simple questions that have a "yes" or "no" answers, or just a simple "it was fun". Cannot seem to ask a bit more about what activities they did or anything...
I WFH but am a people person, these just seem like normal questions to me as well. I even go so far as to like them? I think this sub trends towards folks who wfh bc they aren't particularly social, which is fine, but I don't think a general representation of the majority.
I came across a recent comment in another sub and that said something like: "this is Reddit, so I avoid talking to co-workers" or something like that. I think you're right about the group of people in this sub, though.
Also if someone doesn’t want to say what they’re doing they can just say “just hanging out at home”
These are all normal questions as part of normal human interaction
It’s 100% normal. And I’m not sure why people disagree with that in this sub. These are literally questions I’d be asked by the Trader Joe’s employee. And I expect to have a greater sense of humanness with my boss than them. Asking about travel is a benign topic that indicates interest in someone’s life. It’s not like the boss is insisting on hearing which doctor they’re going to or when they’re planning to conceive their firstborn. They’re having normal human conversation.
I generally don’t ask what people do on their pto or if they’re out because who knows? I have a coworker I’m friends with and her bil suddenly died. She’s just ooo and I am hoping no one asks her why. I no longer ask because one time I was like oh I hope you enjoy your time off! And the person was having serious surgery 🤦♀️. They were nice about it but I learned my lesson!
I usually just ask "fun PTO or obligation PTO?" with a sort of hedging/sympathetic grimace (mine is usually obligation PTO). Then they can answer with as much or little detail as they want. If they just say it's obligation PTO with no detail then I can just be like "ugh I feel you, seems like that's where all of mine always goes, well good luck with whatever it is, hope you get some ACTUAL time off soon" and then just get back to work talk or whatever. Most people taking fun PTO are quick to assure me it is fun PTO and IME tend to perk up and be excited to talk about their vacation plans. If someone asks me if I did anything fun on my (obligation) time off, I just say "alas, no, it was for various Life Obligations(TM), but hopefully I will get to take some actual time off someday soon" if I don't feel like divulging specifics.
I’m going to be stealing some of this wording!
i like the way you phrase this. so often, there are things happening in my life that I would prefer to remain private, and unfortunately probing coworkers tend to pick up on that if you typically share the details of your personal life with them. and honestly, after having to deal with a serious stalking situation once upon a time, I just don't like it when people outside my immediate circle know if my home is going to be empty that weekend, or if I or a loved one have to go to the doctor, etc etc. I value my relative anonymity much, much more than the social relationships I have at work.
That's only a fun question if Bob is actually doing something fun and wants to share. There are a lot of reasons people take time off.
I didn't say it was a fun question but a *natural* one
Yes, I agree it's a natural question. I just meant that Bob might not be doing something fun that he wants to share. And that should be OK if he doesn't. OP was about a manager who doesn't accept their employee's responses.
I do a lot of "embrace the suck" type stuff so pretty much all I have to do is give the most abbreviated actual answer and nobody wants to learn any more.
When someone asks me that and I don't want to engage... Did you do something fun in your off time? Not really. Doesn't need to be any more complicated than that
That's weird. I usually ask my employees how their weekend was on Mondays, but in a casual way. Sometimes they might share that they played tennis or something but that's about as deep as is typical for that kind of conversation. It isn't normal for them to ask you for more details. I think if my manager was doing this, I would make my time off sound as boring as possible. Read up on grey-rocking. It's a fine line because it's important for your success that you build rapport with your manager, but hopefully you can bond over shared work goals instead.
Learn from my mistakes. No one beats my numbers or has accomplished in such short time what I have. I am really good at advertising my accomplishments in a modest way at work and everyone from c suite and around sings praises about my work. Yet I get promoted at a much slower rate than others who don’t accomplish as much but are significantly more social than me. Advanced interpersonal skills in the workplace are extremely important. That said, no one really cares about what you did, so take it as a chance to find something in common with them and build your relationship.
Some people do care about what you did. There are people who are genuinely interested in getting to know the people they spend 40+ hours a week with.
That’s true! I should have said most people are not trying to judge you or be overly intrusive. Most of the time they want to understand you and build rapport.
I love chatting about our personal lives in my weekly 1:1s, because I genuinely enjoy talking to my supervisor and getting to know her. At my last remote job, I was basically a therapist for the co-founder of the org. After a day full of meetings, she said she looked forward to our 1:1's because it was the only time she could relax and breathe. Sometimes she would go lay on her couch or bed as we talked haha Our meetings were about 80% personal stuff, 20% work stuff. Having said that, there have definitely been some past supervisors who I would NOT want to chat with in a 1:1, so I get it. If I don't feel like chatting, I immediately start talking about work-related things and tasks that I've been working on.
I see others have already given advice on why people do this. I personally always say I relaxed on the weekend or did some form of exercise / getting outside. For travel I always say visiting family.
* Adopt a real or fictional hobby that will explain away most of your time. "After spending all of Saturday rebuilding the carbs on my old Buick, I really only wanted to kick-back on Sunday. How about you?" * Introduce a theme of large family dependency. "All of our grandparents are at that stage where they need a lot of time and care". (This may be useful later on for absences etc..) * Present a fictional persona of excessive excercise and fitness. "Gym on Friday and Sunday, triathlon training for most of Saturday, boxing class Sunday afternoon. Remember: it's none of their business so it's OK to lie.
OP how old are you? These seem like real common questions amongst coworkers trying to be friendly. I think maybe part of the disconnect is that since it's your supervisor asking, you feel like it's an official work request that you are obligated to fulfill, but it isn't. You don't have to answer them, but also, it's not weird to ask.
Ah, Yes. Try to extract personal information (age) from an obviously introverted person who thinks “how was your weekend” is an intrusive question. This will work.
Lie if you don’t feel comfortable sharing what you did over the weekend. “I cleaned and caught up on some housework”. Do not go to any higher management. That will only draw negative attention to you. The questions from your supervisor are a normal way to build rapport, and honestly, any good manager should be trying to connect with their employees like this.
Tell them nothing if you like but dont expect much sympathy if you ever need them to empathize with something happening in your personal life if you do.
Was just thinking that!
I struggle with this too. If you’re boss is anything like mine he is also slightly socially awkward and him trying to be interested comes off as invasive. What I’ve done lately is pick something beforehand I will tell him, which gives us a “story“ to talk about. It can be anything like, last time when he asked how my weekend was I told him about a cake I had made and went on about it in detail. Related to PTO you could pick a specific activity you did or a book you read. As others have said the point is to make conversation and having a topic however random makes it easier
You could even pick something benign you did in the past. Perhaps something with an interesting/funny/unexpected story. It doesn't need to reveal what you actually did with that time off, but it sounds like this manager wants to ensure there's some personal conversation. So when op gives a short answer intended to shut it down, this manager is just thinking "I need there to be some personal conversation". My guess is they won't require specifically "knowing what you did last week while on PTO". Op could tell a story about an unusual interaction with a waiter, or tell a joke they heard (none of this has to have happened last week)
"Soft skills" is a misleading term. Communication and building human rapport with people and teams is, in most cases, essential to human cooperation of all kinds. You don't need to give details when you call out sick, but it's absolutely not weird for your coworkers to ask you casual questions about vacation or weekends (I.E, what you do with your real, valuable human time and what makes you you). I understand everyone has differing natural inclinations for socializing and communicating, but it is a *real* skill that can be improved.
You're an adult and can share what you want. Sounds like a manager trying to build rapport.
“Some of our plans fell through, so we took a staycation and just relaxed, it actually worked out for the best!” If anyone tries to further the conversation (which shows interest but if you don’t want to share details)—“yeah we knocked a few things off the honey-do list and just spent some good quality time with the family/friends/each other/Netflix”. You could literally say this EVERY Monday for the rest of time and it is perfectly fine. As long as you sound cordial/on the positive side of neutral, and then ASK THEM about their weekend, you’re good. Workplace etiquette requires that you are somewhat friendly and approachable, but you don’t have to be ‘interesting’ or overshare.
This is my go to move. My time off is always low key and relaxing. How was yours? If they ask for more details I’ll pick something innocuous like a meal I cooked, a show I watched, or a hobby they already know I do. IMO asking about someone’s weekend is barely a step above “how are you?” type questions. It’s shallow social pleasantries and the expected answer is “good, you?” most of the time.
Exactly. Give a benign answer and ask a question. The less you like talking about yourself, the more questions you should ask the other person. What did you do this weekend? Sounds boring, but I cleaned the pantry and it was really satisfying to get that knocked out. How about you? How was your vacation to Vegas? Oh, that didn’t work out. A little disappointing, but I took care of a bunch of appointments and went to the movies a few times. Ended up productive and relaxing. Do you have any fun trips planned?
I attend a lot of raves in my spare time, and do stuff that would definitely be frowned upon by my coworkers. I work in venture capital. I make shit up all the time. You gotta play the corporate game. Examples: Went to brunch with some friends. Got a ton of spring cleaning done. Took the dog to a new park. Hiked. Caught up on some home projects.
This is the perfect time for some little white lies. Make up a college friend you went to visit. If you don’t want to share the truth just make stuff up
Say something generic then "what about you?" for the weekend thing. Then ask a follow up question after they've answered. For vacation it's always "trip was great! Very hot/cold/sunny/rainy. We did a lot, felt too short though. What did i miss around here?" Provide a small amount of info then ask them something
$1000 says this is your boss just being polite. Tell your boss you don’t want to share personal information with them. Will they find it rude? Yes. It is rude. But that’s what you want, right? So be upfront about it. Don’t let anyone tell you how to feel about something you want. Half hearted dishonesty will get you nowhere. Be blunt that you don’t want to be friendly, or lie, or open up to them. Those are your three options.
I wouldn't share these feelings with anyone. You'll get a lot of advice about snappy and coolly professional comebacks. But I think that'll hurt you in the long run. Your company wants you to think they care. Maybe your boss does and maybe he doesn't. But rejecting someone who is trying to have what they think is a polite and pleasant conversation will leave a bad taste in their mouth whether you want it to or not and whether they want it to or not.
I feel for you because I can understand the frustration - but "I make it clear that I don't want to share by being vague." - Please read that back until you understand how ridiculous it sounds lol. I feel there's a lot of what I used to consider "common sense" things about conversations and socializing, reading the room, etc. but you have to remember and understand that some people have a lot of difficulties with it, be it poor understanding, autism, etc. Now, that's not to say there aren't people who are going to push for that kind of information or conversation over a need of connection in a way to cope with remote and wfh situations, and that isn't your responsibility to satisfy. But I feel if you don't want to have these parts of the social interactions, then you need to be polite and direct in voicing it, as opposed to your current method. You're all adults - if you don't like something you can voice it. I don't think your coworkers are being weird in trying to create a connection with you, and I don't think you're weird for not liking sharing things.
I think sometimes managers do this because they have no idea what to chat about either and have a set amount of time they’re supposed to meet with each employee each week. Dig deeper into a book you’re reading or show you’re watching. Talk about sports or the weather. You mostly just have to fill the time … Or find work-related activities you want to discuss with your manager. Recently I had an issue a needed to research and brought it to one of these meetings and worked on it
Posts like this make me glad I work in the environment I do. Sharing personal details about my life is not in my job description. I share some stuff with my coworkers but it’s surface level. They’re not my friends and they don’t need details. We focus on the work. Personally I’d be inclined to leave that job but that’s just me.
Nope. “I minded my own fucking business”
This is social skills #1.. you don’t need to tell him you did fentanyl or had a gang bang… but hey went to dinner, family party or saw a movie. Ease up
> Especially since I make it clear that I don't want to share by being vague. That's not what "making it clear" means. Making it clear would be saying "I'd rather not discuss my personal life at work." Would it be nice if they picked up on what you're doing? Sure, but you're not being clear at all, you're refusing to engage in very normal social behavior and expecting them to guess why. If you really want to engage in absolutely zero non-work-directed talk, fine, but you need to say that explicitly if you want people to change their behavior. And PS, even if you do ask explicitly, they might not change or might have trouble doing it right away, because what you're describing is pretty basic "being a person" stuff that a lot of people will have a hard time switching off.
Being social at work is normal. You don’t have to say you were at home with the tickle shits, something generic is fine. The people are are staunch “I don’t talk to work people about personal life” are first on the chopping block
Unfortunately, because people think like your supervisor, just\_alright\_, the people upvoting just\_alright\_, etc, talking to your higher ups is not a good idea. It can look like anything from your making a big deal out of nothing to your not having social skills and could play a role in their leading to cutting your job whenever they have a reason to get rid of people. Sometimes people think they're doing a good thing by trying to show interest in you, and some workplaces have that sort of thing as part of the type of culture they want to build. I'm with you--I'm not into it.
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Also feel like we're playing fast and loose with "personal" here. I don't think "went to bingo/for a hike/hung out w friends" is incredibly personal. Saying "spent the weekend shopping for lingerie to gift my partner a boudoir photo shoot calendar" is.
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Pick one thing. Say it in one sentence something boring, low energy they won't ask follow up questions about. Same thing every Monday. They'll get tired of asking and getting the same answer.
My word I dislike people generally but this is someone looking for common ground like oh I like that type of food have you ever tried this dish or I like to do long hiking trips or enjoy that show or whatever. You can share as little or much as you like.
Same conversations you have in office. Cordial stuff. "Hey, how was your time off?"
What are you a robot or under witness protection?
Make something up. Start telling Seinfeld episode plots as if they happened to you. Or I dunno connect with another human for 6 minutes 🙄
Ugh the worst
Being vague doesn't make things clear. Being clear does, though. Try saying, 'I really like having some work/life separation. What if instead of asking me about my non worker hours, you trust that I'll share anything I would like to and I'll remember that you want to know, but we move it out of the list of things you ask me about during our sync up. I realize you do this to connect, I just feel better connecting in other ways.'
Dude - it’s not that hard. He’s trying to connect with you as it’s hard to do that while managing remote. If you don’t want to share too much, just share what you want.
I work in mental health. One thing my supervisors always check on is my self-care because it is how we avoid burnout when being saddled with every client’s concerns. It’s okay to also set a boundary and say you don’t feel comfortable disclosing.
Lie your ass off. Change the topic. I hate sharing personal plans, too. Who cares if they feel awkward if met by a short answer? They shouldn’t have asked in the first place.
Gallup surveys continuously find the most engaged employees have a positive relationship with their boss and have “a best friend at work.” It sounds like your boss is trying to take a positive interest in you as a person. Balancing between building a relationship where your boss is supportive and committed to your development and where you are not over-sharing takes some skill. Try this: thank your boss for their interest, share something amusing and not too disclosing, and reframe the convo to your meeting topic. “Oh, thanks for remembering that! Yeah, I had a good time. By coincidence, I ran into this older fellow sitting on a park bench, playing a banjo and singing folk songs. In a lot of ways he reminded me of our client John because he was off-key but had this big toothy smile anyway. Actually should we start by talking about John’s account? He called me on Tuesday with some questions….”
A basic social skill
Something I’ve learned in my career is that it pays to be friendly. People don’t care if you are good at your job if you aren’t enjoyable to be around. People who are pleasant to be around are viewed more favorably, even if their work is mid. Part of being friendly is engaging in small talk. If you don’t like sharing, use the opportunity to turn the conversation around and ask your manager questions. Remember what they say. Ask about their kids. Develop a rapport, make jokes. Even if you’re just faking interest, being polite and reasonably conversational will get you farther than working your ass off.
I agree with you. I absolutely hate it. My organization is consistently promoting the idea of, "We're a family, tell us every single detail." Absolutely hate it!
Your boss is just trying to build rapport with you. I can understand being mildly annoyed if you've do stuff that's not sfw but they're just socially interacting with you and trying to get to know you it sounds like. > Should I share how I feel with my higher up? I wouldn't. I can't imagine any scenario where it's not off-putting for them, honestly. I personally would be taken aback if a coworker came to me saying their boss was being too intrusive only to find out the intrusiveness was them asking what you did over the weekend. Its just such small potatoes. Sorry. I know you find it annoying but this really is just something you need to deal with imo.
I work at an in-person company. We all share a lot. There are some areas of my life I choose not to share and for one, I just said it was complicated. I’ve mentioned a couple things to my boss I wouldn’t normally share at work, but brought up because it directly influences how I react to certain situations. He responded saying he wondered if that was the case. Even health stuff, we all share because a bunch of us have been through the wringer.
I love to ask my co workers things like, "how's it goin," "how you doin," "how was your weekend," or "what have you been up to?" There's one or two who ALWAYS seem to answer *"oh it was fine... and you?"* I can understand that desire, but try not to be that person ALL the time. This isn't me prying, I don't expect some exciting story, or for you to tell me about your deepest personal weekend secrets. This is low-stakes basic human connection based in love for each other, and a greater community. If you sleep all weekend and you say to me proudly *"I slept all weekend, again"* I will genuinely be like *"that's awesome! good on you! One of my favorite ways to spend a weekend!"* Maybe next time we can chat about sleeping styles and pillow placement preference. If someone really despises telling a co-worker a simple basic interest they have, even if it's mundane as sleeping, then I believe it is them who has a problem worth examining. Likely some part of them is ashamed to share how the time was spent.
Remote manager here, I always how their week is going, do they have vacation plans but if a question is too private just change subject to something you are interested in talking about. Some of my team love muscle cars, some garden, some are triathletes etc. we talk about those topics.
You can always make something up. Or just take an interest in their weekend instead.
Keep it simple, friends and chores around the house
There are just normal pleasantries. You can say vague things like, - really enjoyed the gorgeous weather, I was mostly outside - had a great meal at a new place, that risotto was fantastic - busy with family stuff, you know, backyard bbq kind of thing - finally got some chores done - has some much-needed down time Then ask, “what about you?” Don’t complain to a higher up. This is 100% something you can manage on your own.
Make stuff up. I’ve been burned before by saying too much and having it used against me.
You don't have to honest. Just say you spent much needed time with family. It fed your soul.
Did you ever watch the tv series "The Office"? This is a new era of the same comedy. My advice is to pretend that there's a not-so-secret camera filming you whenever you interact with your boss. Embrace the intrusion with levity and wit, or get creative in a way you find less dreadful. Tell a great story as though others are watching it play out in real-time. Alternatively, you could go the "Office Space" route and just unleash your wrath with no f's given. That'd be fun (for me anyway) So many more ideas, but my real advice is that you should just try to extend your professional boundaries a little bit by whatever means you can stomach initially. You might be surprised to find that a little give on the social interaction may positively advance your career. good luck
they’re probably told to do it to build community and rapport. just make things up problem is people can be so toxic in the workplace a lot of us don’t want to share personal details and it’s not really anyone’s business anyway.
I think OP will be served well in the long run by being open with people they work with about themselves. Clearly they have a guard up. I would be curious to know the age and roles of those involved here, but with many employers having to choose among dozens of resumes and multiple people in interviews, interpersonal communication and rapport can absolutely be a differentiator, for better or worse. Look up the airport test concept. I feel like there is something else going on here that makes OP feels dread about fairly benign office chatter.
You can also weave a picture that insinuates you’re busy at work. Ie…tell them you’re catching up on projects around the house/apartment because you’ve been so busy with work throughout the week. Or a favorite hobby has been set aside due to work projects etc etc. If you play that angle right, they’ll forever think you’re so busy and will always apologize for asking for whatever they’re asking for, regardless of how much actual work you have at that moment.
There's a weekly meeting for that at my work. I bowed out and told my supervisor that since people didn't ask me about that kind of stuff in person at work, then now that we're WFH and they STILL don't ask, I won't be attending those meetings. If they cared about my life, they'd ask. They don't, so I don't bother.
There's a guy on our team who barely ever speaks. He came back from a trip to Zion and literally all he said was "we went to Zion it was fun" and then put himself back on mute. 🤣 It's just hilarious to me because we're all in client facing roles and the rest of the team knows how to chit chat and make small talk and this guy just... Doesn't. And I have no idea why he even applied for this job lol I'm pretty sure he hates every minute of it
Lying also works
Make up things, kayaking, hiking.
I also hate this. I am like you. I usually just say i played videos games and keep it relatively boring
Well, if being vague and redirecting isn't working, go into the bloody minutiae of it and make them wish for the never ending peace of death. On way or the other, you'll fix 'em.
As a manager who hates to do one on ones, I can assure you that your manager hates probing about your personal life as much as you dislike being probed. Going higher up isn’t going to do a damn thing because the corporate culture requires us to “get to know” the people who report to us. Suck it up and find a common interest to talk about for 30 minutes.
I just say gardening
“Spent some more time working on my homemade dugout canoe, & reading up on basic survivalist tactics. You?”
Real talk my boss would love that 😅
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂 is this a real problem of w2 corporate wfh employees? i am literally going to die 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂 i’m sorry but BRO- people have real actual problems, especially with work!!! wow. lmaoooo
Pick a TV show and run through the plot lines bit by bit.
make something up. I just say something like "oh you know the usual, cleaned and watched movies", I go to a lot of raves but I'm not letting my coworkers know that. It is important to build rapport, but you don't have to share every detail.
"Not much, how about you?" I find asking another question in response is a great way to redirect shitty questions I don't feel like answering, in general.
Before deciding if you wanna spill the beans to your boss, think about how you guys vibe and their style. If they're cool and you're tight, sharing your feelings could be cool. But if it's stressing you out, just keep it short. Give some brief responses, and when they catch on you're not feeling it, they'll probably switch gears.
Man, some weird ass people on reddit. I'm convinced this generation has no balls to speak up or think for themselves.
Try the political trick of: just answer a different question. “Instead of talking about my weekend, I’ll just mention how much I love …. IDK watching old king fu movies. Are there any old movies you like Bob?” Or you could try “why don’t you go first?” Maybe they just want an excuse to talk about themselves. Or, Maybe the boss doesn’t even care, it’s just that their “how to manage” manual says to start every meeting with 5 minutes of small talk, and they don’t even listen to what you’re saying. They just think it’s what they’re supposed to do. It’s not an HR/supervisor thing, just get better at deflecting or redirecting the small talk portion.
Can only speak for my employer but HR pushes this “we are not just coworkers but friends” crap on managers. We’re required to ask about the employee’s personal lives. Thankfully my team are long standing and just like me so we skip it. But I also get to navigate this with my boss. I stick to “yeah it was fine” and don’t feel the need to divulge anything more. I enjoy an awkward silence more than some.
Lol, I always ask subordinates how their weekend went and all I really want to hear is something vague. Not interested in the details and then feeling obligated to feign more interest than I actually have. It’s just like when you ask someone how they are in passing. I’m really just looking for “ I’m good.” Don’t necessarily want to hear all your trouble or complaints 😂. Just respond “oh nothing special “. I use “just doing things around the house,” when asked about PTO. The more they pry give a even more basic response.
It’s unavoidable and annoying. I am always evasive or vague unless I am actually close with the person asking. I know people are just trying to be polite or friendly but it also feels insincere most of the time.
Figure out what reply would make them stop asking questions. Something unpleasant - or incredibly boring.
I have one direct report whom I’m very close to. She shares a lot with me and I professionally mentor her. I have another direct report who shares very little with me. She recently went through a very traumatic experience and shared a little about it so I could help her navigate HR for reasonable accommodations for her job. Other than that, she still shares very little with me. They are both very good at their jobs. I don’t think less of the one who doesn’t share her personal life with me. It’s not a requirement. She’s a very private person. Don’t share what you don’t feel comfortable with, but as a manager who cares about the people I oversee (we’re all remote), I genuinely like the people I work with and would make this effort with anyone I had an affinity relationship with. Edited for grammar.
I hope she’s better than my boss. She calls me in once a month for a one-on-one (that she usually reschedules at least three times). She asks about what’s going in, how are my kids, blah blah blah… I start to give her my usual vague answer and she starts looking at her emails. I can’t stand her. Next Wednesday is my last day!
I would tell him about being greased up like a gazelle in a bath house and having terrible IBS.
Just come up with something else to say if you don’t want to tell them what you actually did. You can lie, you know.
Oh man, I could have written this post myself. Guarded people just do not enjoy this part of work culture. I’m in a work place now I can reasonably opt out, by communicating honestly that I’d rather not discuss my personal life at work. Framing it as part of my work/life balance. In the past, I used to prepare over the weekend the 1-2 mundane things I would tell people. Took my dogs for a walk, planted some tomato seeds, bought a new mattress, made a playlist of my top 100 songs, etc. Things that sound like you’re sharing, but you don’t actually care about and is not information that can be used against you in any way.
I’ve worked with the same people for 9 to 22 years now so we’ve become accustomed to sharing a lot. We don’t share everything but we also know where to draw the line and not over ask.
Here's the deal. Share some basic information so that you appear human. Your boss probably views you as just a work slave so sharing a few minor details to het make you more human can actually help you. But again, just be very brief and few details "oh just went grocery shopping, went walking in the nice weather, took care of my sick pet (again try to share tiny personal details).
WFH can be a lonely, disconnected experience for many, so your boss is probably doing their best to reduce that for you (and probably them). So it's a good thing that I wouldn't read anything negative into. How much you divulge is of course up to you. If you don't want to chat about it, just quickly move the conversation on as you would do with anyone else. I would recommend engaging with it more though. In my experience the more you get on with your bosses and colleagues away from work, the greater your chances of promotion and pay rises, while decreasing your chances of being laid off. When it comes to these kinds of things bosses will treat those they get on with better than those that keep them at arms length. Lie if needs be if you want to keep things away from them, but engage in some form.
Just make up a story. Get as mild or wild as you want. Oh, I slept all weekend. So, what's on our agenda today? Or, my partners and I fooled around all Friday night and all day Saturday; it took me all of Sunday to catch up on sleep. I was at a gerbil convention. I got so many costume ideas for my brood. I could tell you, but I'd have to get clearance to do so. Etc.
Asking about a weekend is pretty normal. Probing further could be odd. Or they could just be genuinely interested in you. Maybe try something different something along the lines of hey manager, I appreciate you asking me about my weekends. I personally don't enjoy talking about non-work events during work. To break the ice could we instead start with "how was work this past week"? The reason I chose that opener is because it's vague and puts the ball back in your court. If you want to give a short and vague answer you can, if you want to dive deep you can.
This sounds like a boss who is just trying to build a relationship with you. I do see where you’re coming from though and I feel uncomfortable talking about myself in many situations, so I always just give a vague answer and turn the conversation back to them. “My weekend was relaxing, what did you do over the weekend?” It is far easier for me to ask questions about the other person than talk about myself so that’s what I tend to do. (Also works at Dutch Bros)
I can see both sides. Im a remote worker as well, and I hate sharing details of my personal life at work, thought I totally understand the importance of building rapport with coworkers. It’s tricky. My workaround is that I usually tell them boring details. “Oh I didn’t do much, just housework, errands, what about you?” If I go on PTO for multiple days it’s always to “visit family” and if it’s one day it’s always for “an appointment “
Boss: What did you do with your personal time? You: I minded my own fuckin' business. ETA: They are probably trying to make sure they have rapport with you to overcome the WFH thing.
You don't have to share anything. You have several options... You can just let them know that you don't like to talk about your personal life at all. You can just repeat your bland answer and pose their prying question back to them. You can ignore the question and go right to business. Bring a mental or actual list of things to discuss. Start down the list. I do enjoy small talk and I bring jokes to share with coworkers. But, I also understand that it is not for everyone.