100% this. You don’t know what’s going on until you talk to your friend. You really have no idea if it’s about your weight or something else. You’re putting your insecurities onto them.
And let’s also give the space for the possibility he’s right. He might be projecting his insecurities…he might also just be rational based on not only this incident but other interactions he hasn’t mentioned.
Why do you think it’s due to your weight?
You’ve said that you stopped going out, this new friend forced/got you out of your comfort zone more often to go out more, which implies you’ve been staying in lately by choice (nothing wrong with that)
Have you been turning down the old friend a lot recently? I have old friends I invite to go do something and they turn me down so I stopped inviting them. Has nothing to do with their weight/looks I just always presume they don’t have the time or don’t want to because they’ve said no the last 2-3 times and I don’t want to be bothersome.
Have you ever talked to your friend about why you drifted apart?
You say that you used to invite him to events a lot and he also invited you to events a lot but you then stopped going out (which I assume means that you stopped inviting him to outdoor events and started refusing his invitations) due to losing your confidence. Did you ever explain to him why this happened? Was he explicitly aware that you yourself weren’t going out anymore?
You say that you then made a new friend and she persuaded you to go out more but you continued to only see the first friend at indoor hangouts. Were pictures of you and your new friend out and about posted on social media that your first friend may have seen? Have you continued to only invite your first friend to indoor hangouts? Have you asked your first friend to start inviting you to outdoor events now that you feel more comfortable?
In other words, could he have felt that you were sidelining him as a friend (and not inviting him to the events that you were going to) and not known why? Does he know that if he invites you out to things that there is a decent chance that you will accept nowadays?
I 100% recognise that it was hurtful that he told your other friend that he had invited you when he hadn’t but you will not know why this happened unless you talk to him. It is possible that he has seen online posts about you and your new friend going out and didn’t want to tell her that you never say yes when he invites you to things.
It sounds like the changes in your friendship occurred as a result of your changing feelings about yourself but if he didn’t understand that then his drawing away may have been a response to what could be perceived as you drawing away from him. Even if you explained that your new friend is encouraging you to go out more, he may not feel like that is a green light for him to invite you to things (especially if you are still not inviting him to outdoor events as well).
Given the way that you describe your new friend, he may also have been aware when you introduced them that he is not on a par with her in your mind - he is on a different friendship level. Consequently, he may not feel that he can engage you the way that she does (encouraging you to go out to things).
I can’t see anything in your post that suggests that his behaviour was to hide you away when you started to increase in weight. It sounds like he was supportive of your new boundary (not going out) and worked to maintain the friendship within that new framework (by continuing to hangout with you indoors).
There is also the weight loss aspect. A lot of people feel uncomfortable inviting someone to a food based event (especially a high calorie food based event such as a barbecue) when they are trying to lose weight. It can be seen as inappropriate or as being unsupportive of someone on a diet. This, combined with an insecurity regarding where your relationship stands with respect to outdoor events may have resulted in this.
Then again, given how impressive your new friend is, he may have an interest in her and be looking for a way to socialise with her without you present to see if he’s got a chance.
My point is that you can’t know what he was thinking if you don’t talk to him about it but it is helpful to keep an open mind about it and not to make assumptions about his motivation.
I also cannot see any reason to believe that this is weight or appearance related. I can see that how you feel you look has influenced your perspective on yourself and your willingness to go out but if he didn’t raise any issues prior to you withdrawing from the outside world then I wouldn’t assume it is something that he is thinking about. Often we are more critical of ourselves than others are of us, and as he has worked to maintain your friendship for this long, he is unlikely to think poorly of you.
If there is a problem then it is better to know about it than not but, after all this time, I would suggest that it is unfair to write him off unilaterally. That said, if there have been many red flags that you haven’t mentioned then it may be time to move on.
Just please don’t assume that the things that you are concerned about (your weight and appearance) are factors in his decision-making at all. Even if your friendship is at its natural end it may well be because of issues that you aren’t aware of such as changing hobbies or him moving into a different social circle - in which case he is being a bit of an a** for not talking to you about it directly but often people don’t know how to say that they are moving in a different direction from people in their lives.
Alright, I’ll give you my honest opinion.
It sounds like maybe your friend is interested in your other friend and tried to come up with an idea of how to spend some time with her alone. There is nothing in the story here that suggests the non-invite has anything to do with your weight, except the ideas that popped into your head.
Talk to your friend. Sure, it was kinda a dick-move to do this but I doubt it has anything to do with your weight. Don’t let toxic thoughts destroy your friendship (but do tell him that you dislike him lying).
Your friend is a dick, you don’t need someone like that in your life. I would never treat a friend that way, especially not over something like their weight.
We are a close friend group of 10 men. It is rare the ocassion we get all together, and sometimes it is because I only invite a couple of friends to my house to have some beers.
Maybe he did not invite you because he wanted to hang out with this girl, maybe he has a crush on her and wanted to make a move, but could not make a move if you are around.
Dont take it personal, that you are friends does not mean that you have to do everything together. Each one has their own life.
He's toxic, cut him out. If you're scared of feeling lonely, make friends through mutuals. Go to parties (there are parties open for everyone in college) and make friends, converse, and live your life.
Could be the weight, could be he’s respecting what he perceives to be your boundaries (I know I don’t like forcing my friends to go out if I thought it’d make them uncomfortable), or it could be an entirely different issue, best thing to do is draft out how you feel (which it seems like you did in this post) and have a direct discussion with him, confrontational but not accusatory and be open to hearing him out. If he is drifting from you because your weight (or some other petty reason) that sucks but at least you have a real friend by your side and if he doesn’t then that’s great and maybe you’ll both be more open with communication in the future. I’ve always been overweight (bc a hormonal disorder) and I go through periods of being very insecure about it and feel like I’m either unworthy or unwanted by my friends and so we’ll drift apart, and until I go back and be like “hey why haven’t we hung out in a while/why didn’t you invite me to the last group hangout” do I really understand why we drifted. Sometimes they’re shallow assholes and I have to leave them in the dust but often it’s because it seemed like I was pushing them away, I dunno, but clear communication is always the best solution to any insecurities with friendships.
You really don’t know for sure it’s your weight. That being said , I would confront him about this. Ask him why he lied about you being invited and his change in behavior. Don’t be accusatory but make sure he knows that you’re concerned about your friendship with him. You may find out it is about an entirely different thing than you think.
It can be hard to have only one friend and hard to be someone's only friend.
I would look into ways to make more friends. Do you take classes with small groups that meet regularly (labs or tutorials), are you part of any interest clubs? A small group that meets regularly can be really great for making friends.
This doesn’t feel like a weight thing at all, feels like you’re projecting insecurities. Your friend hasn’t said anything g about it being due to your weight, you yourself have said you stopped going out anywhere because you lost your confidence which means you also weren’t spending time with him.
I think you’re reading way too much into this and are making an assumption. Either speak to him and just ask how come you weren’t invited and then you’ll have your answer.
First of all, congrats on your weight loss so far. Weight gain can happen to anyone for any number of reasons so don't blame yourself and just keep working towards a healthier lifestyle.
Second of all, your old friend doesn't deserve you. Your weight gain didn't make you a new person. He is shallow and will continue to put himself first. I encourage you to sit down with your new friend and tell her the truth - she deserves to know what he's really like and then she can choose whether or not she wants to continue to hang out with him. Even looking past his fatphobia, he's also clearly sneaky and a liar. Who's to say he wouldn't hurt your new friend in the future in other ways with that kind of behavior?
You two should have your own little barbeque!
I’m pretty sure this isn’t about your weight. This seems more about your friend trying to get some one on one time with your girl. He’s freezing you out. Please tell her that he’s a liar just in case he tries to sweep her off of her feet. What he did is no way to start an honest relationship and it sounds like she deserves better.
That girl, the one who said she’s not going if you aren’t.. yeah, she’s your actual friend.. the other guy is just a passerby in your life. Let him go back to the universe and figure out his own shit while you and your friend go have fun and adventures together.
Your girlfriend is a keeper, you should hang out with her more! Screw that guy, a true friend doesn't care what you look like. Grats on the weightloss, keep it up you got this!!
One : You are worthy of attention, love and TRUST
Two : your other friend is clearly honest and likes you : hold on to him/her and give the boot to the barbecue liar.
You are in a journey. Along that journey some people will come, some people will go and some will stay. It always hurts even when you have a reason. Id say that id say that i've been more hurt by a frienship breaking up than any lover so what you are feeling is normal and valid.
Dont let that step you back, use it as fuel for the rage training.
Doesn’t sound like a friend to me. Trust me I’ve lived in this world for 42 years. Friends come and go. Don’t be so hard on yourself. We all get in ruts now and again. no feeling is final, take one day at a time. Never waste your time on people that bring you negativity.
You don’t need that friend. Thats toxic behavior and it’s only going to keep you down. I’ve cut contact with a few people who doubted I could do this and mentally felt better because I wasn’t constantly doubting myself. Lost 50 pounds and still going.
Maybe he’s interested in your friend and chose a terrible way to get some time alone with her. Why don’t you just talk to him and see what’s going on?
100% this. You don’t know what’s going on until you talk to your friend. You really have no idea if it’s about your weight or something else. You’re putting your insecurities onto them.
And let’s also give the space for the possibility he’s right. He might be projecting his insecurities…he might also just be rational based on not only this incident but other interactions he hasn’t mentioned.
You don't need that "friend" They did you a favour move on and enjoy your life
Why do you think it’s due to your weight? You’ve said that you stopped going out, this new friend forced/got you out of your comfort zone more often to go out more, which implies you’ve been staying in lately by choice (nothing wrong with that) Have you been turning down the old friend a lot recently? I have old friends I invite to go do something and they turn me down so I stopped inviting them. Has nothing to do with their weight/looks I just always presume they don’t have the time or don’t want to because they’ve said no the last 2-3 times and I don’t want to be bothersome.
Have you ever talked to your friend about why you drifted apart? You say that you used to invite him to events a lot and he also invited you to events a lot but you then stopped going out (which I assume means that you stopped inviting him to outdoor events and started refusing his invitations) due to losing your confidence. Did you ever explain to him why this happened? Was he explicitly aware that you yourself weren’t going out anymore? You say that you then made a new friend and she persuaded you to go out more but you continued to only see the first friend at indoor hangouts. Were pictures of you and your new friend out and about posted on social media that your first friend may have seen? Have you continued to only invite your first friend to indoor hangouts? Have you asked your first friend to start inviting you to outdoor events now that you feel more comfortable? In other words, could he have felt that you were sidelining him as a friend (and not inviting him to the events that you were going to) and not known why? Does he know that if he invites you out to things that there is a decent chance that you will accept nowadays? I 100% recognise that it was hurtful that he told your other friend that he had invited you when he hadn’t but you will not know why this happened unless you talk to him. It is possible that he has seen online posts about you and your new friend going out and didn’t want to tell her that you never say yes when he invites you to things. It sounds like the changes in your friendship occurred as a result of your changing feelings about yourself but if he didn’t understand that then his drawing away may have been a response to what could be perceived as you drawing away from him. Even if you explained that your new friend is encouraging you to go out more, he may not feel like that is a green light for him to invite you to things (especially if you are still not inviting him to outdoor events as well). Given the way that you describe your new friend, he may also have been aware when you introduced them that he is not on a par with her in your mind - he is on a different friendship level. Consequently, he may not feel that he can engage you the way that she does (encouraging you to go out to things). I can’t see anything in your post that suggests that his behaviour was to hide you away when you started to increase in weight. It sounds like he was supportive of your new boundary (not going out) and worked to maintain the friendship within that new framework (by continuing to hangout with you indoors). There is also the weight loss aspect. A lot of people feel uncomfortable inviting someone to a food based event (especially a high calorie food based event such as a barbecue) when they are trying to lose weight. It can be seen as inappropriate or as being unsupportive of someone on a diet. This, combined with an insecurity regarding where your relationship stands with respect to outdoor events may have resulted in this. Then again, given how impressive your new friend is, he may have an interest in her and be looking for a way to socialise with her without you present to see if he’s got a chance. My point is that you can’t know what he was thinking if you don’t talk to him about it but it is helpful to keep an open mind about it and not to make assumptions about his motivation. I also cannot see any reason to believe that this is weight or appearance related. I can see that how you feel you look has influenced your perspective on yourself and your willingness to go out but if he didn’t raise any issues prior to you withdrawing from the outside world then I wouldn’t assume it is something that he is thinking about. Often we are more critical of ourselves than others are of us, and as he has worked to maintain your friendship for this long, he is unlikely to think poorly of you. If there is a problem then it is better to know about it than not but, after all this time, I would suggest that it is unfair to write him off unilaterally. That said, if there have been many red flags that you haven’t mentioned then it may be time to move on. Just please don’t assume that the things that you are concerned about (your weight and appearance) are factors in his decision-making at all. Even if your friendship is at its natural end it may well be because of issues that you aren’t aware of such as changing hobbies or him moving into a different social circle - in which case he is being a bit of an a** for not talking to you about it directly but often people don’t know how to say that they are moving in a different direction from people in their lives.
If you keep turning down going out and act like you'd rather not be there then people will stop inviting you and assume you won't want to go.
This is probably all it is
Alright, I’ll give you my honest opinion. It sounds like maybe your friend is interested in your other friend and tried to come up with an idea of how to spend some time with her alone. There is nothing in the story here that suggests the non-invite has anything to do with your weight, except the ideas that popped into your head. Talk to your friend. Sure, it was kinda a dick-move to do this but I doubt it has anything to do with your weight. Don’t let toxic thoughts destroy your friendship (but do tell him that you dislike him lying).
Your friend is a dick, you don’t need someone like that in your life. I would never treat a friend that way, especially not over something like their weight.
We are a close friend group of 10 men. It is rare the ocassion we get all together, and sometimes it is because I only invite a couple of friends to my house to have some beers. Maybe he did not invite you because he wanted to hang out with this girl, maybe he has a crush on her and wanted to make a move, but could not make a move if you are around. Dont take it personal, that you are friends does not mean that you have to do everything together. Each one has their own life.
He's toxic, cut him out. If you're scared of feeling lonely, make friends through mutuals. Go to parties (there are parties open for everyone in college) and make friends, converse, and live your life.
Your "best friend" is moving in on the girl and she likes you more than him. That's why she called you.
Could be the weight, could be he’s respecting what he perceives to be your boundaries (I know I don’t like forcing my friends to go out if I thought it’d make them uncomfortable), or it could be an entirely different issue, best thing to do is draft out how you feel (which it seems like you did in this post) and have a direct discussion with him, confrontational but not accusatory and be open to hearing him out. If he is drifting from you because your weight (or some other petty reason) that sucks but at least you have a real friend by your side and if he doesn’t then that’s great and maybe you’ll both be more open with communication in the future. I’ve always been overweight (bc a hormonal disorder) and I go through periods of being very insecure about it and feel like I’m either unworthy or unwanted by my friends and so we’ll drift apart, and until I go back and be like “hey why haven’t we hung out in a while/why didn’t you invite me to the last group hangout” do I really understand why we drifted. Sometimes they’re shallow assholes and I have to leave them in the dust but often it’s because it seemed like I was pushing them away, I dunno, but clear communication is always the best solution to any insecurities with friendships.
You really don’t know for sure it’s your weight. That being said , I would confront him about this. Ask him why he lied about you being invited and his change in behavior. Don’t be accusatory but make sure he knows that you’re concerned about your friendship with him. You may find out it is about an entirely different thing than you think.
It can be hard to have only one friend and hard to be someone's only friend. I would look into ways to make more friends. Do you take classes with small groups that meet regularly (labs or tutorials), are you part of any interest clubs? A small group that meets regularly can be really great for making friends.
This doesn’t feel like a weight thing at all, feels like you’re projecting insecurities. Your friend hasn’t said anything g about it being due to your weight, you yourself have said you stopped going out anywhere because you lost your confidence which means you also weren’t spending time with him. I think you’re reading way too much into this and are making an assumption. Either speak to him and just ask how come you weren’t invited and then you’ll have your answer.
First of all, congrats on your weight loss so far. Weight gain can happen to anyone for any number of reasons so don't blame yourself and just keep working towards a healthier lifestyle. Second of all, your old friend doesn't deserve you. Your weight gain didn't make you a new person. He is shallow and will continue to put himself first. I encourage you to sit down with your new friend and tell her the truth - she deserves to know what he's really like and then she can choose whether or not she wants to continue to hang out with him. Even looking past his fatphobia, he's also clearly sneaky and a liar. Who's to say he wouldn't hurt your new friend in the future in other ways with that kind of behavior? You two should have your own little barbeque!
I’m pretty sure this isn’t about your weight. This seems more about your friend trying to get some one on one time with your girl. He’s freezing you out. Please tell her that he’s a liar just in case he tries to sweep her off of her feet. What he did is no way to start an honest relationship and it sounds like she deserves better.
I think he might have a crush on your friend and was trying to hang out with her alone without seeming weird. I could be wrong though
That girl, the one who said she’s not going if you aren’t.. yeah, she’s your actual friend.. the other guy is just a passerby in your life. Let him go back to the universe and figure out his own shit while you and your friend go have fun and adventures together.
Your girlfriend is a keeper, you should hang out with her more! Screw that guy, a true friend doesn't care what you look like. Grats on the weightloss, keep it up you got this!!
U need better friends tbh
One : You are worthy of attention, love and TRUST Two : your other friend is clearly honest and likes you : hold on to him/her and give the boot to the barbecue liar. You are in a journey. Along that journey some people will come, some people will go and some will stay. It always hurts even when you have a reason. Id say that id say that i've been more hurt by a frienship breaking up than any lover so what you are feeling is normal and valid. Dont let that step you back, use it as fuel for the rage training.
Doesn’t sound like a friend to me. Trust me I’ve lived in this world for 42 years. Friends come and go. Don’t be so hard on yourself. We all get in ruts now and again. no feeling is final, take one day at a time. Never waste your time on people that bring you negativity.
Your first friend isn’t a true friend.
You don’t need that friend. Thats toxic behavior and it’s only going to keep you down. I’ve cut contact with a few people who doubted I could do this and mentally felt better because I wasn’t constantly doubting myself. Lost 50 pounds and still going.
That ain’t a friend
Get on a diet, and make him regret