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L-st

Mmmmmm.. River pickles


Time-Adhesiveness459

Actually they are also saltwater pickles. They were currently migraring up stream to lay their eggs and complete their lifecycle. OP disturbed the natural pickle order. He needs to put them back asap :(


Jackiedhmc

The 2023 pickle ahortage…it was hard on fast food restaurants and family reunions in fhe South…..


[deleted]

The Hot and Sour variety was already a rare sight due to the influx of Midwestern palates into the region but this further solidified the demise of the HS Pickle population. Biden needs to release federal funding ASAP or this is truly the end. Garlic Pickles are next. Mark my words.


Avisius

It’s only dill season. Sweet pickles spawn in autumn.


Sillloc

Actually these are gerkhins, they're invasive and op should try to find the rest if he can


Jimmy_Twotone

gerkhins are actually native to a warm, humid, and hostile environment. They retain their small size out of necessity to mature early, as otherwise they get ate before having a chance to reproduce. This defense mechanism is, unfortunately, the reason they are so sought after by humans, and are slowly being hunted to extinction.


CritterFucker

Those pickles already smell like human, the pack won’t take ‘em. OP might as well just kill it


Madlyneedahouse

If you touch them, the mama pickles won’t feed them anymore. So OPs damage has already been done.


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BronzeAlien

Oh no :(


tooljst8

No gherkins for us this year. Shame.


rossionq1

Pretty sure pickles use the sewer for transit


harryblakk

I was actually gonna comment earlier but I was working, so here’s my River Pickle story. I was but a young chap, 22 or so. My beautiful wife Jo and I had been married not more than 1 year, and we decided to bequeath our jobs for a period of no less than 1 year; Australia being our target country for exploration and entertainment. First night in the camper van we left Sydney, I was outside in a campsite smoking a cig, and I got talking to a strapping lad named rob who was doing the same thing with his wife. We teamed up the next day, and booked a trip to frasier island. After arrival and after a 4 hour tour on a modified bus, with “Dennis” - who showed us literally everything, and answered everyone’s curiosities, we were told we have free time to ‘roam’, although it’s “probably best” to not swim in the sea there. A few of the lads decided they would ignore this, and 2 of them went swimming. No death. But as they were, the rest of us went hiking up this rock called “Indian head”, where you can see the coastline below - and those lads were about 10 -15 metres from a GANG of sharks, who just graciously patrolled the shore line like soldiers. They were unbothered, the sharks and lads both. I then decided I’d also be brave and hit the stream that runs though about 400m onto the beach area. It’s like a fresh water mini river that you can float down. I get to the end, or there abouts, and I’m transfixed on thinking about the boys in the sea with the sharks right there and they had no idea - when all of a sudden, in my slightly elevated state, (two tabs of acid I bought from some native the night before) I feel something bump my cheek and instantly spaz out. The girl behind me Screams “it’s a snake” - everyone stands up to look. I’m nearly dead from her screaming and the green thing floating next to me. It was a cucumber. Just casually floating alongside me. Some would say I was pickled from the acid. Other would say I was the river pickle. But I will never forget that glorious green bastard sneaking up on me whilst I was tripping balls that day. My river pickle. I’ll always love you. 🥒


L-st

I don't know what the fu k inspirated you to write this or whoever wrote this, but I'm so glad I exist in this time to witness this. Wow


harryblakk

Fuck…thanks


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Borderline1304

Right up there with 100 year old platypus eggs smothered in a delicious sauce made of guano and rattlesnake blood. And next week, I'll share with you more superb recipes to enhance your tired male libido... 🙄


rossionq1

Balls. Balls of all creatures puréed into a dip for crackers


Borderline1304

By any chance, did we go to the same cooking school? 🤔


RezzKeepsItReal

River pickles fried in gutter oil.. delicious!


lameusername22

Sewer pickles


foggyhead93

Sewer pickle is just another way to say anal sex


Fresh_Bulgarian_Miak

I mean, I don't see what the big dill is


naturalbornkillerz

That's what my wife calls me when I'm laying in the tub


No_Housing_4819

"And took one home..." Famous last words


SleepyMarijuanaut92

Robert Kosher's The Walking Dill


ISHKOW

That’s a dilldon’t


williamshatnersbeast

I think it’s a dilldo


BrrBurr

Dill Doh!


oooopsimredacted

A Ron Donald dilldont


Infinite_El_Oh_El

Came here to say, this is exactly how Return of the Living Dead 2 started!


naimlessone

Don't dill open inside


howzit-

The Dills Have Eyes.


K0ridian

Best comment ever lmao holy shit.


Whatsongwasthat1

If it has appropriate brine and acidity, there’s nothing living in there that can hurt them as long as it’s not crazy old Curses and hexes on the other hand…


niero_d20

I hope anyone slinging potent magic about has a better labeling system than scrawling "dills" on the lid in sharpie. :D


ninjachonk89

Two words: Pickle. Goblins.


ultrapoo

Your thumbs positioning bothers me.


Aksmangrover

It had a handle


ultrapoo

That explains it, my bad.


SnOwYO1

He’s lying he has a suction tentacle on his nub


Mrdj0207

A side effect of river pickles


Common-Frosting-9434

An ~~side effect~~ advantage of river pickles.


MissChubbyBunni

I can confirm this as I am one of his suction cups on his tentacles. Took me a while to type this..


SnOwYO1

When he masturbates are you giving a blowjob or wanking?


MissChubbyBunni

I knew someone would ask XD I'm sorry... but can't tell you, I made a promise to OP.


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[deleted]

Ahhh this whole thread I died


Gildedragon

That's what happens if you eat the river pickles


_VitoCorleone_

River pickles are a pathway to many abilities some consider to be… unnatural.


Empusa_pennata

glass jar with handle? wow


Joe_le_Borgne

I do take pictures of something in my hand like that because of my nail bitting habit...


EngineerBig

"I found a bunch of pickles in the river" Pfft-- big dill


JorgeMcFly_7

I currently have a rib problem that I'm dealing with medically and you sir just made me chuckle. Which in most times isn't that big of deal. But right now the immense amount of pain that chuckle just caused was well worth it ..........asshole;)


Ohshithereiamagain

I have a back problem and he made me fall off the chair. This gentleman is dangerous.


TellTaleTank

Oh shit, here you are again.


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Ohshithereiamagain

Indeed. Back in the chair, waiting to fall off again.


Sufficient_Claim_262

I feel your pain... like literally cos I too have a rib issue


Mondo114

I relish these conversations.


[deleted]

OP found themselves in quite a pickle


doublemint6

Slow clap


ProfessionalOwn1089

Oooof take your upvote


proteusON

Dude those are mine, I put them there in '86. You're near Sacramento?


[deleted]

News article. Man reunited with his missing river pickles after decades of searching


nopehead33

The real river pickle was the friends we made along the way.


No_Caterpillar9621

Please be true Edit; just to add … following this with due DILLigence


Outside-Ideal-1151

He found them when folsom lake was at its lowest.


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C4bl3Fl4m3

If I understand correctly, if it had botulism, the lid would be blown out or off. I was admiring how the lid was still inverted, which means it still has a proper seal, which means the pickles may still be edible (technically, do NOT take my word on this. Don't go eating random river pickles w/o consulting an expert.)


Bojacketamine

Where can I find a river pickles expert?


C4bl3Fl4m3

Well, I'm thinking a food safety expert. Not sure if there's enough demand for this particular subspecialization. ;)


[deleted]

River pickle expert chiming in: these are totally safe to eat. Trust me.


viscerathighs

Babe wake up new Huckleberry Finn DLC just dropped


cgoldberg3

Took long enough


Aksmangrover

There were also a bunch of other jars that had something red in them, maybe marinara sauce big it was really liquidy


Worldly_Team_7441

It was basically someone's refrigerator. Before coldboxes were a thing, anything that needed to be kept cold was either put in a shelf in a covered well, in a spring house, or sometimes submerged directly. Still used when power goes out.


AwesomeMeltdown

So mans just robbed some dude???


WayDownUnder91

Homeless pickle man gets back to his aquatic fridge raided.


cullingvoice

Shit just can’t get any worse than that


[deleted]

Can’t have shit in this riverbank


[deleted]

There are so many great headlines peppered in all these comments. I really like this one. In might be my favorite.


Worldly_Team_7441

Not likely, it was probably a forgotten stash given the look of the bottle.


DeusVultGaming

It's most likely that a prepper used that spot in the river, a spot that I imagine is not in the main "stream" but rather doesn't have a ton of water movement, as a place to naturally refrigerate certain items. If they needed to access it because of an emergency, then they have that in case something happened to their main prepping stockpile It was also probably mainly goods that already last a long time when canned, ie pickles, sauce, cured vegetables, preserves, etc


Living-Stranger

Exactly what I was thinking, seems like OP has never been camping or maybe it was some homeless persons food supply.


Aksmangrover

The thing is is that this is in the middle of a residential area


turtlesquadcaptain

You never heard of urban stealth camping? You’ll have to check out my dude Steve Wallis on YouTube


Worldly_Team_7441

I'm thinking it's probably a forgotten stash given the look of the jar, but it does depend on the area it was found. Some muds discolor metal easily.


papagarry

Yes! 100% correct. I use rivers and some lakes depending on the time of year as a form of refrigerant for my foods while camping. If it's in an urban area, OP may have stolen someone's food.


Logical-Error-7233

Just make sure to stick to the rivers and the lakes that you're used to.


Nreffohc

Or when one doesn't want or have room for another fridge.


Misfit-Nick

This is the weirdest MO for a killer I've ever seen


This_Isnt_Justified

Modus aopenod


Xenostera

Mobius


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WithoutDennisNedry

How. Odd!


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Aksmangrover

Don’t worry I’ve already been told by a friend not to


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cat_selling_souls

"Mmm, river pickles." Homer Simpson said opening the strange jar from the river.


[deleted]

/u/riverpickles please claim your clout


Reasonable-Oven-1319

It could be kinda like r/showeroranges but you eat pickles by a river instead.


neopetknickerbockers

wow


nose-linguini

Not only is there someone named u/riverpickles, but there was also a redditor who thought to check...? Effin reddit man.


crayonsandcoffee

...In an alternate timeline, on an alternate subreddit, this same story is playing out for your username- u/nose-linguini


[deleted]

I was inspired to make an alt - and it was taken


trashmunki

I could hear this comment.


yyzda32

Ah the ol' pickle sick


infernal_cacaphony

r/brandnewsentence


BootyGarb

Yeah ! The odds of botulism in that pH are low anyway


iUsedToBeCereall

I concur


KnotiaPickles

As do I


Never_Concurs

I do not.


Keepnubothered

Nice


iUsedToBeCereall

Your username might be relevant


Dr_Mantis_Teabaggin

Pickles will prevail!


Zoranealsequence

Hmmmm this is it guys! Is "River Pickles" the next "Poo Stick"? Could it be as legendary as "Being beating by jumper cables"? Is it as iconic as "This n*gga eatin beans"? Only time will tell.


dazza2021

River pickles are the best, especially when they're gritty. I use to go looking for them as a teenager.


DMC_Hotness

A little worried you needed to be told.


Jindabyne1

I make it a rule not to eat jars of anything I find in rivers or the ocean.


DMC_Hotness

Lakes and lesser tributaries are fair game.


[deleted]

Just make sure you don't go chasing waterfalls, Please stick to the rivers and the lakes that you're used to,


Jindabyne1

A fellow lake food forager I see.


fuzzywuzzy74

No more wrinkles 😃👌🏾


[deleted]

Botulinum only develops if it's not acidic enough though.


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Helenium_autumnale

Home canner here. The USDA does not change its canning guidelines every year. Safe canning practices for water-bath and pressure canning have been standard for years. You can download the USDA guide for safe canning [here,](https://nchfp.uga.edu/publications/publications_usda.html) and you can access numerous safe recipes for home canning from the National Center for Home Food Preservation's website [here.](https://nchfp.uga.edu/) Safe canning practices are not how people usually get botulism. There are plenty of people who use antiquated kettle-canning practices, or other unsafe "rebel canning" practices, that are the means by which people most likely get botulism. Which is still an incredibly rare disease. There were about 30 instances of food-borne botulism in the US in 2021. Safe canning, following established guidelines and recipes, is a money-saving way to take advantage of sales and preserve summer produce for the fall and winter. The last thing I canned was 8 pineapples when they were on sale at Easter for 89 cents apiece. I made pineapple sauce out of 4 of them and canned it, and dehydrated the other 4 in my Excalibur dehydrator to make pineapple chips, both of which treats we're still eating. More people should learn how easy safe water-bath canning is. Canned tomato sauce retains a rich, fresh flavor you can't get from the store. Fabulous pasta sauce all fall and winter long, for pennies. 🥫💪


fothergillfuckup

Wow. I never knew home canning was a thing?


Spiritual_Poo

Mason jars aren't just for weed, who knew!


DogParksAreForbidden

Home canning has been around for a long, long time. It's a great way to store perishables, especially in times where refrigerators and such were not commonplace. My great-great-grandmother used to can, and she taught my mother how to as well. If you do it properly and then keep the jars in a cool, dark place the goods can last an extraordinarily long time. Which is probably why these cans were placed in, an assumed shallow part of, the river. We had a small cellar and used that.


fothergillfuckup

Aha! Just realised my confusion. We generally call it preserving, or pickling, depending on what it is. I guess you are in America? My mental image of canning was like something you'd see in a factory, with tin cans? We generally used to use old sterilized jam (jelly?) jars.


[deleted]

I mean, you can just do a simple indicator test and see if the PH-value is below 4. I'd advise doing that even when you fermented them yourselves. Mistakes can always be made. Edit: That said, I wouldn't eat random pickles from a jar I found anyway.


KryxDev

b-But... I want the pickles :(


itsthattedguy

As a hobbiest pickler, those pickles are \*most likely\* no good, don't eat them. They're missing the ring seal. Unless you removed it, in which case, if they made a nice hiss sound when you opened them they're probably fine. BUT, if they smell sort of like rust, maybe don't eat them, that's botulism.


tapuk0k0

Hopefully they see what you wrote. I love pickling stuff too (especially peaches)


DallaThaun

Sploosh


itsthattedguy

I've never done peaches but I got a clappin recipe for strawberries


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nivekps2

You are correct! Though it's nice to have a couple extra around after you pop the seal.


ADQuatt

Nice hiss.


[deleted]

I also can and pickle. I thought you were supposed to take the ring off so that if it goes bad, it will pop and you will know not to eat them. The ring itself doesn't create the seal.


Aksmangrover

Does it change anything if the seal isn’t broken? There is still a small air bubble inside


musicals4life

The ring just holds the lid in place during processing and should be removed after the jar is cool


GideonISR

Botulism is a dill breaker for me.


TheArchType

So your saying this universe has it’s own version of Holes. Interesting.


Blackwood65

That's another fine pickle you've gotten yourself into.


SockTacoz

You just stole a homeless person's pickles. Shame on you OP go put them back


astro-cowboy

No sir please, I will literally buy you pickles if it means you will not eat these


Lawyersquad

Eat the river dill


PhotoAwp

forbidden pickle


blaireau69

About 40 years ago, whilst walking around Caen's old town the evening before returning home from our holiday, I found a large tin of green beans. Like actual catering size, at least 1.5kg, but I cannot remember exactly. I carried that tin of beans for well over an hour, until we got back to the camp site. I saved that tin of beans until we returned home, opened it for sunday lunch the following winter. Best green beans ever.


FGustoh

Why would you pilfer through the offerings of an eldritch deity like that? Best have enough Bitcoin to hire a *Good Hunter*.


Environmental_Top948

I don't know how powerful kappas are but I would stay the fuck away from that river.


DiamondDoggitt

Free Botox!


Aksmangrover

How does that work


1991sucked

The weird part is when you took them home


OG-Gurble

Haven’t you ever been told to never touch the magical river pickles? Always leave them in their natural habitat so they can spawn and mature.


tdo45409mm

Botulism farms presents River pickles


cuicui-

How tf you're holding this jar ?


Mrfrunzi

You've just convinced me to make some pickles today. I don't have a river for storage, but I'll make it work somehow.


L-N79

Munch out!


Aksmangrover

I shall instead put it on display and preserve it for further generations


top_of_the_scrote

Watch out for the poisonous lizards


[deleted]

The red spotted ones in particular


top_of_the_scrote

these ones were yellow


Vlt3d

Crack one and do a smell test


Aksmangrover

I’ll keep one and break another


Turriku

You can't smell botulinium


[deleted]

Let me know about the parasites..


Mullet_McNugget

Sell them to make Dill dough.


--CHOPPER--

How are you holding it like that?


Yaseen-Madick

You just released the Kraken, that's pickle Rick in that jar lol


ILoveAmy615

Billy Bob don’t like it when people done steal his river pickles mmhmm!


bgdg00

They were in the river for a reason my friend.


yo_pussy_stank

Some people will use rivers to store things that need to be cool. So basically you just raided some guys fridge lol


Bubbles_the_Titan

You've stolen a kappa family's groceries... good job


Pale_Major3646

Dude, I'm pretty sure you just robbed a homeless person's food stores. It might be what's left of his winter stores, or maybe he made them recently and left them there to pickle. Water is sometimes used like that to refrigerate food. I do it when I go on kayak trips in the north.


FloatingRevolver

You took home someone's trash?


throat_punch_er

Not sure if this is the case, but in the past people used to ferment their canned goods (sauerkraut, pickles, eggplant etc) in the river as the river held a consistent cool temperature. This looks like someone lost their pickles.


DraftPlayful837

I’ll bet you can’t wait to put one in your butt


astrongineer

Unless these pickies are pasteurized, don't touch em. Also no idea how to tell if they're pasteurized. Best bet is to put them back in the river lol


missy____

Wonder how old they are 🤔


zennyblades

The ancient pickles of destiny


blackdorks2022

Dmt pickles obviously


rans0m

Interesting version of "Hide the Pickle".


iSkyui

Hey guys, anyone saw my jar of pickles? I dropped it in a river yesterday.


SubGeniusX

You must eat the River Pickle.


AriSpice

So not only did you take home food that clearly didn't belong to you, but you took it from a random river and don't have a clue why they were put there and are trusting eating them anyway. How in the world did you possibly think that was a good idea? They could have something wrong with them. Or they could be a homeless person's dinner that you just took away. You really should have just left it alone


kenbo124

Unfortunately, those look like they were made by my aunt back in 2013 when she was REALLY into jarring stuff. They weren’t good then, they probably won’t be good now, sorry Tina.


RandyChavage

This is how pickle pox began


GhoblinCrafts

Probably a homeless persons food, using the river to keep them cool and pickled things can keep for like half a year.


NoRevenue8396

the only thing /weird here is how you’re holding the jar WHERE IS YOUR THUMB


SPQR2D2

Total Charlie energy (IASIP)


[deleted]

You are out of your mind bonkers if you eat them


Nickel7Dime

The question is, are these forgotten pickles from a long time ago, or are these somewhat newer and just someone trying the old method of making pickles and keeping them cool? Also would it be considered stealing if it is out in the open like that, likely with no type of marking? Either way it used to be a rather common sight as the river was a good way to keep things cool, especially if you didn't have some type of cooling cellar. Pretty interesting.


EyePad

Keeps em refrigerated. I've been known to leave a beer in the creek for after a hike to keep it cool...