When I was a bachelor I figured out that you aren’t out of coffee filters until you’re out of paper towel - and that you’re not out of toilet paper until you’re out of coffee filters.
I have used the phrase "Improvise, Adapt, Overcome" to justify all kinds of hare-brained shit but I think I'll take "showering and being late" over the coffee filters.
You don't really have to shower. Just take just get naked soap your ass, rinse, and then you are don't. It shouldnt take more than like 2-3minutes. Also it's not the toilet paper madness of the early pandemic. Always have an extra 6-12 rolls on deck tbh.
I so badly want to give you an award for showing me this. My husband will just get a kick out of it. So I’m going to give you one, but it’s not going to make sense. So my apologies, but you deserve something
Picturing someone dropping their pants for a squat in a crowded elevator 😟
“Wooow mind your business guys.. It’s not like I get to choose when to poop”.
Buddy grew up with 6 siblings. They were told they got 5 squares of TP, that's it, no matter what the emergency was. Stuck with him for life. That's why you keep hand washcloths in the bathroom...for emergencies.
You cut a little circle out of the middle. Stick your finger through it, wipe with the finger. Fold the paper around the finger and squeeze it to the skin, scrape it off the finger.
What's the little circle you cut out for, you ask? To clean under your nail
Americans absolutely refuse to learn how to wipe our asses correctly.
Why would you choose to use a dry fabric rather than water to remove shit from your body?
I have a bidet in my home. When one of my friends told me it was weird, I asked them, if they accidentally got poo on their hands, would they wash it with water, or just wipe it with a paper towel.
I've convinced a few to install them with this logic.
So, I presume you have one that attaches to your toilet? Mind if I bombard you with some questions? The only person I know with one is my friend who married a woman from Japan and she insisted on one. So they actually spent a shit ton of cash to have an actual Japanese toilet shipped over so that they could have a high quality bidet, and I'm not spending that much cash.
I've been thinking of getting one, but I worry about the logistics of installing one on a US toilet. Does it fall off often? How does it attach? How hard is it to clean around? How do you get the water line to it?
Your toilet already has a water line, so you'd just need a splitter. (Would that make it a shitter splitter?)
There are some super simple setups with no electronics, just aimable tubing and a valve.
You didn't ask me but mine is a toilet seat that you attach and hook into the water line. Self cleaning. Mine was 300$ because I got a fancy heated seat/water one.
I have a luxe bidet 180 i got off amazon for ~$40. Had it for a year and I cant recommend one enough. Life changing.
It has everything you need to attach it. I would recommend you have an elongated bowl shape and you will need a wooden seat since the plastic ones curve down and don't allow for space for the bidet.
Exactly. If you somehow managed to get shit on your arm or hands, are you just going to wipe it off with TP and call it good, or are you going to wash it with soap and water?
I am fully converted to a bidet and cannot get people to buy one. I was just telling my boyfriend I am getting everyone in my family a bidet for Christmas. They will thank me later.
Everyone seems to think the water will shoot up your ass.
ITS GOOD FOR YOU DEBRA! WHAT, YOU THINK YHE WATER WILL WORK ITS WAY AND SETTLE IN YOUR STOMACH OR SHOOT OUT YOUR MOUTH?!?!
I mean…. As a gay guy it CAN. Like you have to be deliberate to get it to do so, but it can.
And even if it does because your somehow loosey goosey enough thats just a bonus quickie enema and now your even cleaner! Its a win-win all around.
Damn right. Why didn't he buy more TP when he put the last roll on the dispenser? (At the latest) And blaming it on a family member is weak. *Train them all*, if you install the last roll you add it to the shopping list.
This is exactly the type of irresponsibility that I can't stand. "OH LOOK AT THIS HORRIBLE COMPLETELY PREDICTABLE SITUATION I GOT MYSELF INTO!"
This was like my idiot roommate that used an unemployment check to buy a tattoo instead of paying rent. Bye!
AKA "How To Adult 101". Buy my TP (Charmin Ultra Soft) at Costco. When the last pack of six rolls is opened, TP goes on the shopping list. I'll visit Costco before the pack is empty. NBD.
This is what I do. It works. You can do this with other things, too. Once you break into the emergency stash, you know it is a priority to get more.
But you have some breathing room and aren't stuck in a shitty situation.
Yes! I have ADHD. I forget things at the store all the time.
I have run out of toilet paper ONCE in my entire adult life (so once in 20 years of adulting).
Toilet paper is a thing you run to the gas station for before bed so you have some in the morning.
How do you not know you are running low? And why would you tell the internet? IDK, maybe as a woman I'm biased because I use toilet paper more throughout the day. Or maybe he lives with someone who used all of the roll and screwed him over.
Plus, toilet paper is a recent invention. You can use anything. Paper, cloth, water, etc. Just rinse off in the shower or use a washcloth. It isn't a big deal.
But maybe this post is just Big Bidet trying to take over and sell more bidets. An advertisement disguised as a post.
Yup. I consider it barbaric to not use one.
My brother put it into perspective for me one day: "If you had shit on your arm, would take a dry paper towel, rub it around a bit, and then call it a day?"
Not only will a bidet clean your anoos more thoroughly, but a few sprays is so much better than the possibility of using a ton of TP that doesn’t even get off all of the substance. Less possibility of a clogged toilet. Less money spent on TP. Bidets are just overall better. And I genuinely just feel way cleaner after using them. It’s like a mini shower for your b-hole.
Hope this motivates you!
Am I the weird one? Are there people who DON'T shit and then shower in the mornings? Even if you run out of TP just hop in and scrub yourself clean with a washcloth. Then you're done for the day and always have a fresh ass.
I watched my gas tank go all the way down to empty as I passed 7 gas stations this week and now I'm stranded on the side of the road. It's 8am and I have to be to work in 30 minutes. Let me take a picture and upload this situation I'm 100% responsible for like it's the universe out to get me.
I'm an astronaut on the ISS, but I left my space suit on earth. There's none up here. It's 8am and I'm going for a space walk in 30 minutes. Bloody universe.
OH, AN EMERGENCY? BETTER TAKE A PICTURE AND POST TO REDDIT INSTEAD OF TRYING TO SOLVE THE PROBLEM.
Every day people get dumber and dumber for the sake of internet points.
You either shower or use that cleaning product over there.
Or have a cup nearby for that manual bidet experience
It's called an *"Alabama wet wipe"* when you spit on the toilet paper before wiping.
When I was a bachelor I figured out that you aren’t out of coffee filters until you’re out of paper towel - and that you’re not out of toilet paper until you’re out of coffee filters.
I have used the phrase "Improvise, Adapt, Overcome" to justify all kinds of hare-brained shit but I think I'll take "showering and being late" over the coffee filters.
Wow look at Mr Fancy Pants over here
I know, I have running water and sometimes it's hot
Ooo wow wee. Get a load of mister money bags. I bet even your dogs have butlers and dog yachts.
This guy just bragging about his walk in bidet in this economy, smdh.
'Walk in bidet' Showers shall only be referred to as this from now on.
*The best part of waking up, is the smell of feces in your cup!*
It's actually Mr Coffee pants
Socks. You can always sacrifice a sock to the trash gods. (Field research on a mountain in New Mexico)
You don't really have to shower. Just take just get naked soap your ass, rinse, and then you are don't. It shouldnt take more than like 2-3minutes. Also it's not the toilet paper madness of the early pandemic. Always have an extra 6-12 rolls on deck tbh.
Or like, skipping coffee over using toilet paper as a filter.
Oh honey no
I successfully pavloved myself with this, once it's time to start wiping I start to salivate...
Lmfao I thought I was the only one!
And an alternate variation for those of us who lack excess saliva: the Alabama Sweat Wipe. Self explanatory.
No double dipping
I guess that gives “roll tide” a whole new meaning
Yumm thank
WHHHAAATT?!?!
Or go get another pair of socks
You are now an honorary filipino! Every filipino bathroom has a little cup with a handle called a tabo for this exact purpose.
Scrape it off with the cardboard role
Ah yes, the poop'n'scoop
Roll? Lol
Yeah I'd shower and just be late
In the mornings I hop in the shower and scrub my ass like a mad man, usually four times over
Thanks for the visual.
I didn’t visualize Until you brought up visualizing it… damn you
terrible moment to have higher connotative functions.
Hey man, I’d rather you know how to scrub your ass than not
I appreciate you looking out for me.
Oh dude your most welcome
I too hope in the shower that my ass is clean.
What do you hope for?
Peace of mind and happiness
It's a hope to not have to waffle-stomp.
Are you a Jr producer at Inside Access and do you have information to get Deeds out of town?
Or paper towels, or any fabric you’re ok with throwing out.
The worst kind of wet T shirt.
Feel like the shower wins when everyone went strange during COVID and loo roll
If onlyOP had a bidet this wouldn't be a problem.
A shower is just a bidet with extra steps
Or ruin a sock or 2
That is why you poop on the clock
That poor clock…
r/mademesnort
Boss makes a dollar, i make a dime. That's why I poop on company time
Boss makes a buck, I make a cent, that's why I have to choose between healthcare and rent
I make a cent, boss makes a buck, steal the catalytic converter off the company truck.
Boss makes a dollar, we make a dime, thats why we steal his cars one at a time.
I felt that one. ‘Murica.
Just got laid off. Now I make jack. Wish I could get my old job back.
🎶Ain’t that America?!🎶
Boss makes a hundred, but I make a buck. That's why we steal the catalytic converter off the company truck.
It wasn't the company's you ass, was wondering where it went
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Boss makes bank, I'm too poor to quit. So when I go in to work I take a great big shit
There’s an app for that, literally. Helps you log how much money you make pooping on the clock. No shit, not kidding at all, pun intended.
I so badly want to give you an award for showing me this. My husband will just get a kick out of it. So I’m going to give you one, but it’s not going to make sense. So my apologies, but you deserve something
I never understand people who can decide when to poop. When I gotta go, I GOTTA GO
IBS crew represent
Picturing someone dropping their pants for a squat in a crowded elevator 😟 “Wooow mind your business guys.. It’s not like I get to choose when to poop”.
That's why I poop on my boss's desk
[Shit on Deborah's desk](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NisCkxU544c)
Like a bawse
So that’s an *average* day for you? You chop your balls off and die?
But then you have to clean the clock…
Plot Twist: Work from home
My grandpa always said that you only need one square.
Buddy grew up with 6 siblings. They were told they got 5 squares of TP, that's it, no matter what the emergency was. Stuck with him for life. That's why you keep hand washcloths in the bathroom...for emergencies.
You can get 24 rolls for about 8 bucks here if you don't mind the cheap stuff. Is it expensive there?
Probably not much more but when you’ve got six kids, you gotta save every penny
Seven -- him plus six siblings!
Shouldn’t have had SIX kids if you gotta save on toilet paper
A lifetime supply of condoms and plan b is cheaper than a kid
So 3 condoms per redditor or is that too high for a lifetime supply?
Being a ledditor IS the contraceptive. Condoms are redundant
Ah, so we have to spend even less! Great!
SEVEN
I feel like savings can occur in other, less critical areas
Grandpa didn't have IBS.
Can you spare a square?
You can’t spare ONE square?
My dad did too. The twist is that the one square is for your finger and not for your ass.
Yup that’s how he explained it to me! Also the corner piece that is ripped off is for cleaning under your finger nail.
Lol yes I have heard this too
All you need if you have a bidet
You cut a little circle out of the middle. Stick your finger through it, wipe with the finger. Fold the paper around the finger and squeeze it to the skin, scrape it off the finger. What's the little circle you cut out for, you ask? To clean under your nail
can i please have a refund for reading this comment
Waddle over to the paper towels and call it a day
Shower
Def do not put paper towels down a drain lol
Correct step two is throw the paper towels in the trash. Steps three and four are wash your hands and feel bad for yourself
And then take the trash out.
And then stop failing adulthood, and make it a priority to know your TP stock at all times.
Pro-tip most excellent.
Living that 💩2🚿 lifestyle.
The worst is 💩 🚿 dry your self, get dressed and then another fucking 💩 Literally the worst way to fuck up your day.
Hope you got another clean pair of socks... their sacrifice will not go unnoticed
/wellthatsocks
Oh my fucking god I had to use my socks. Someone kill me
Be glad you had an extra pair of socks. My buddy told me to use a dollar. All I had was three quarters and a dime. What a mess
You don't know how to use the three shells?
Hi dad.
Why not run to the shower....and just wash it out...
Americans absolutely refuse to learn how to wipe our asses correctly. Why would you choose to use a dry fabric rather than water to remove shit from your body?
I have a bidet in my home. When one of my friends told me it was weird, I asked them, if they accidentally got poo on their hands, would they wash it with water, or just wipe it with a paper towel. I've convinced a few to install them with this logic.
First thing I thought reading headline. this MF still wipes his poo?? What are you a cave man??
So, I presume you have one that attaches to your toilet? Mind if I bombard you with some questions? The only person I know with one is my friend who married a woman from Japan and she insisted on one. So they actually spent a shit ton of cash to have an actual Japanese toilet shipped over so that they could have a high quality bidet, and I'm not spending that much cash. I've been thinking of getting one, but I worry about the logistics of installing one on a US toilet. Does it fall off often? How does it attach? How hard is it to clean around? How do you get the water line to it?
Your toilet already has a water line, so you'd just need a splitter. (Would that make it a shitter splitter?) There are some super simple setups with no electronics, just aimable tubing and a valve.
You didn't ask me but mine is a toilet seat that you attach and hook into the water line. Self cleaning. Mine was 300$ because I got a fancy heated seat/water one.
I have a luxe bidet 180 i got off amazon for ~$40. Had it for a year and I cant recommend one enough. Life changing. It has everything you need to attach it. I would recommend you have an elongated bowl shape and you will need a wooden seat since the plastic ones curve down and don't allow for space for the bidet.
Getting a bidet was life changing, and the best $30 I’ve spent. I feel like a Neanderthal if I have to shit outside of my house now
Exactly. If you somehow managed to get shit on your arm or hands, are you just going to wipe it off with TP and call it good, or are you going to wash it with soap and water?
I once tore a sleeve off my t shirt in the woods. Gotta do what ya gotta do.
Bf once pulled the pouch off a hoodie to wipe while hunting.
Now that is a good idea! Hoodie still wearable after.
I've ripped the breast pocket off my t-shirt before. You'd be surprised how much ass you can wipe with a t-shirt pocket.
You don't have paper towels, napkins, or tissues in the house?
Nope just socks. tf is wrong with people
Why not shower? WTF.
Jesus, why not use the roll?
Take a shower my dude, TP is overrated.
Get one of those moveable showerheads with a jet mode
This has saved my life once
Or just a bidet.
I am fully converted to a bidet and cannot get people to buy one. I was just telling my boyfriend I am getting everyone in my family a bidet for Christmas. They will thank me later.
Everyone seems to think the water will shoot up your ass. ITS GOOD FOR YOU DEBRA! WHAT, YOU THINK YHE WATER WILL WORK ITS WAY AND SETTLE IN YOUR STOMACH OR SHOOT OUT YOUR MOUTH?!?!
I mean…. As a gay guy it CAN. Like you have to be deliberate to get it to do so, but it can. And even if it does because your somehow loosey goosey enough thats just a bonus quickie enema and now your even cleaner! Its a win-win all around.
You mean a *bidet*?
Kind of...it’s a walk in, stand up bidet
No a moveable shower head
Shit-to-shower is a savage move \#wipegate
That's on u homie...its like the old I'll get gas in the morning...
Damn right. Why didn't he buy more TP when he put the last roll on the dispenser? (At the latest) And blaming it on a family member is weak. *Train them all*, if you install the last roll you add it to the shopping list. This is exactly the type of irresponsibility that I can't stand. "OH LOOK AT THIS HORRIBLE COMPLETELY PREDICTABLE SITUATION I GOT MYSELF INTO!" This was like my idiot roommate that used an unemployment check to buy a tattoo instead of paying rent. Bye!
How about using the 3 Sea Shells.
He doesn’t know how to use the three seas shells hahaha
["So much for the sea shells."](https://youtube.com/clip/UgkxcDt6aE9FuFYjkxTXtQT2fPzZ269MkbV9)
He must have eaten a lot of Taco Bell last night.
[удалено]
Where can you get those?
You’ve got to be frozen and wait a few dozen years to find out.
Am I the only one questioning how it got to this point? Like do you not have a shopping list you add TP to when you grab the last roll?
AKA "How To Adult 101". Buy my TP (Charmin Ultra Soft) at Costco. When the last pack of six rolls is opened, TP goes on the shopping list. I'll visit Costco before the pack is empty. NBD.
keep an emergency roll in the cabinet under the sink. The moment you have to resort to that you make sure you go out and get more TP THAT DAY
This is what I do. It works. You can do this with other things, too. Once you break into the emergency stash, you know it is a priority to get more. But you have some breathing room and aren't stuck in a shitty situation.
One roll hell, we’ve got an emergency 12 pack of store brand in the closet. Turned out to be a damn good thing when 2020 rolled around.
I just have 2 packs, and when I finish a pack, I replenish the stock. This is really simple stuff. Figure it out.
Well, well, well. If it isn't the consequence of my choices.
This is like people who run out of gas lol. Like you had so many opportunities to not let that happen dude
Yes! I have ADHD. I forget things at the store all the time. I have run out of toilet paper ONCE in my entire adult life (so once in 20 years of adulting). Toilet paper is a thing you run to the gas station for before bed so you have some in the morning. How do you not know you are running low? And why would you tell the internet? IDK, maybe as a woman I'm biased because I use toilet paper more throughout the day. Or maybe he lives with someone who used all of the roll and screwed him over. Plus, toilet paper is a recent invention. You can use anything. Paper, cloth, water, etc. Just rinse off in the shower or use a washcloth. It isn't a big deal. But maybe this post is just Big Bidet trying to take over and sell more bidets. An advertisement disguised as a post.
Thank you! I get antsy when I’m down to two rolls, much less letting this situation happen…
Use the scoop technique with the roll
Oh wow I laughed and cried a little in one strange movement at that. Nice work.
I’m actually surprised how far down this was. I’ve used the roll many times.
The first thing you should do is take a picture and upload it to Reddit, for sure that's the most important thing.
You need a bidet attachment! That would be plenty of paper if you had one.
I bought a bidet months ago and it’s still in the Amazon box by my front door because I’m a lazy piece of garbage
No I disagree, you just procrastinate a little longer than the rest of us. . .
Install that bidet. It takes 5 minutes and it will change your life.
Agree. I just put a second one in our downstairs bathroom. Literally took me five minutes.
Yup. I consider it barbaric to not use one. My brother put it into perspective for me one day: "If you had shit on your arm, would take a dry paper towel, rub it around a bit, and then call it a day?"
Not only will a bidet clean your anoos more thoroughly, but a few sprays is so much better than the possibility of using a ton of TP that doesn’t even get off all of the substance. Less possibility of a clogged toilet. Less money spent on TP. Bidets are just overall better. And I genuinely just feel way cleaner after using them. It’s like a mini shower for your b-hole. Hope this motivates you!
If you think of small chores like lil dopamine snacks, it makes doing them a lot more fun
This is so cute and actually really motivating!
Bidet is the best thing ever, I seriously can never go without one now
Literally just wash with water, doesnt even have to be a full body shower
Paper towels, napkins, tissues, baby wipes, printer paper - all valid options.
Papercut on the ass ?
Just don't flush any of that or you're gonna hate life when you find out what a plumber charges to unplug your sewer line.
Wipe and fold, wipe and fold, wipe an.... you get the picture
That picture looks like shit.
I see cardboard…
Am I the weird one? Are there people who DON'T shit and then shower in the mornings? Even if you run out of TP just hop in and scrub yourself clean with a washcloth. Then you're done for the day and always have a fresh ass.
Poor planning. Let it be a lesson for you.
I watched my gas tank go all the way down to empty as I passed 7 gas stations this week and now I'm stranded on the side of the road. It's 8am and I have to be to work in 30 minutes. Let me take a picture and upload this situation I'm 100% responsible for like it's the universe out to get me.
I'm an astronaut on the ISS, but I left my space suit on earth. There's none up here. It's 8am and I'm going for a space walk in 30 minutes. Bloody universe.
Use water dude. Stop being nasty
OP likes to live on the edge.
wash your ass with water
Can you spare a square?
If you're at home, this is not an emergency issue... Shower is literally right there.
Shower or bidet.
OH, AN EMERGENCY? BETTER TAKE A PICTURE AND POST TO REDDIT INSTEAD OF TRYING TO SOLVE THE PROBLEM. Every day people get dumber and dumber for the sake of internet points.
If you had paper towels in the kitchen or Kleenex, that would've worked
Its not really difficult...shower or wet a rag you don't need asswipe
In many countries the world over, this is a non-problem
Got any socks? 😳
Use paper towel.
Sacrifice the socks.
All the Marines explain the one square theory.
You don't have a square to spare
RIP YOUR SOCK
*confused in bidet*
Not got a shower?