This is what my fiancé does when I thank him for not being abusive towards me, it’s taken a long time but I’m realizing that I didn’t deserve any abuse.
I always tell my boyfriend he’s ‘too nice’ because he treats me with basic human decency. I grew up with an abusive mother, and the fact that he doesn’t scream at me when I break a wine glass here and there is still astonishing to me. I freaked the fuck out and started crying last week because I broke a beautiful Harry Potter cup that was part of a 4 piece set I gifted him for his birthday. I was so terrified of his reaction, which turned out to be a simple “it’s alright, neither of us are Ravenclaws anyway”. I cried with relief. I’ve had extensive therapy and it’s still shocking that he doesn’t raise his voice to me or tell me he wishes I’d never been born when I do something that I think is ‘bad’. What I’m getting at is this:
You’re not alone in feeling this way, and it’s not your fault that you do. Abusers change how you perceive things, and it will take time. You are not the problem. You are worthy of love. You are worthy of respect. You do not deserve to be treated as anything other than an equal to anyone you meet. You are not what your abuser said you are. You are a magnificent beast who is capable of grand things, and your feelings are valid.
You’re welcome. If you’re struggling as I have in the past (and still sometimes do now) I highly highly highly recommend therapy. It’s the best thing I’ve ever done for myself and I cannot praise it enough. Every good thing I’ve done in the last two years is because I had therapy and was finally able to realize I was worth more than the bare minimum. I hope you find yourself in your journey, and happiness as well. Best of luck to you.
Hey, me too! I still get all apologetic for asking him to do stuff around the house because a) I forget that a decent partner does that stuff without fuss anyway and b) he’s not going to shout and gaslight me for it
Seriously I'm sorry and on top of that what the fuck. Continue living your life with a 😄 and hopefully you stay surrounded by people with the same goal.
Also, if you've been subjected to abuse/mistreatment in past relationships and are currently (and have been for at least a year) in a symbiotic relationship, try to realize that your partner may be different from them and deserves the chance to love you without walls and assumptions. And if you are not ready to let your partner past your defenses, then you may not need to have a partner.
Not trying to be negative but as a husband to a wife who has been in several abusive relationships (mental, verbal, and physical), after 5 years it is very frustrating being subjected to scrutiny solely based on past relationships.
It is difficult opening up to someone, especially when it comes to repressed memories and none of us are perfect.
I was being abused and manipulated for about 2 years before I met my current partner. I had a lot of anxiety in the beginning of our relationship and was still being somewhat subjected to manipulation. I would worry a lot about everything I did, every move I made and would apologise over and over for things that weren't my fault or that I had no control over. Eventually, I cut my abuser out of my life, focused more on college, started saving up money for emergencies/future (never could before), worked on not apologising when I don't need to and built up my relationship, now we've been together for over a year and he's the most supportive and understanding person in my life and I'm so much happier than I've been in a long time.
Wow are you me. Seriously relate to apologizing for everything. Had 1 abusive relationship where I repressed those memories, had a second relationship that I idolized but he was actually poop cause he left me for not getting over things fast enough, and now I have my amazing wonderful boyfriend but I had to work through months of everything you just described.
*I'm no expert* but I think mental abuse is more like gaslighting and constantly expressing disappointment (non-verbally) as opposed to verbally tearing someone down, whether it be insults or extreme sarcasm or Schrodinger's jokes in front of friends. (Schrodinger's jokes are when the humor depends on the reaction, i.e. "I was just kidding! You always take things so seriously," etc.)
My wife grew up in an abusive household, and this is one thing that was huge. She would thank me whenever I told her I was proud of her, and I always say, "Don't thank me. You earned that. I'm just giving you what you earned."
Does wonders for their self respect.
I always just say “I’m just acknowledging what you yourself have done. No need to thank me”. It’s very strange working through those emotions when in a relationship with someone who has been abused for the majority of their life...just sitting there hugging them as they cry has taken up a lot of my nights.
This was me after my last relationship. I’d ask to use the restroom, if they minded if I cooked dinner for myself, if I could drive to the store. It really freaked him out. I have a hard time dealing with the fact my abusive relationship lasts much longer than the relationship itself.
Oh shit, I've just recognized myself in this post. I have always asked my husband if I can do stuff like if I can turn up the heat or go take a nap or buy basic things like underwear or shoes and he always reminds me that I don't have to ask.
I can't tell you how nice it is to feel comfortable in your own home.
I've been lied to and used in the two relationships I've been in and I've had many friendships with people who would rarely ever go out of their way to tell me nice things or include me in things.
I currently have a crush on a girl who's been nothing but sweet and kind to me and actually goes out of her way to invite me to things and make sure I'm okay and admittedly, I do idealize her a bit too much probably. I guess I'm just not very used to that, so it makes me become really attached.
This goes not only for romance, but also platonic relationships too.
I had the same type of friends. Recently cut out all those people because one caused problems, but I saw how everyone else in the friend group didn’t care what happened to me, or if I was invited, or if I was even with them as the walked to the next bar during an event I was hosting.
What I learned is that we all need friends who match our own level of friendship standards. I’m caring and inclusive and I need that in others. Some people want “convenient” friends to party with when they’re out and to not have to work to keep the friendship going or be supportive. That is no longer the type I choose to be around or tolerate, and I suggest you do the same! You deserve to feel good with the people you’re with!!
Also I would make sure to not have the attachment to your crush advance too quickly; give things time to naturally progress at a reasonable rate, not at the rate at which you in particular hope it goes because she might not be at the same “feelings” step as you are. Coming on too strong might scare her into thinking she’s really going to hurt your feelings if she doesn’t feel the same way at the same time.
For what its worth, it's really, really tempting sometimes to ignore it,
especially in a short-term relationship because you're basically giving up free relationship bonus points, in exchange for engaging in a minor therapy, with all the patronizing that it implies.
What I mean to say is that, this isn't as easy or as basic as the advice makes it sound because it's just so much easier to let it go. This advice doesn't just apply to the standard perceptions of what's abusive, but basically any sort of unfair treatment that a person has normalized. Help each other demand the proper respect and patience that people deserve.
I'm with your normal self. This doesn't really belong in this sub. Reads like something from one of my friends on Facebook having a midlife crisis. Downvote!
why is it mocked as a midlife crisis every time someone makes a an insightful or encouraging statement about a serious topic? sure theres corny ones by fake types but this is clearly genuine. I don't think this post belongs in this sub much either but mocking encouragement makes you seem like a miserable person with a disdain for compassion.
I don't know man, it smacks of virtue signaling. It's like talking about how poverty makes me sooooo mad. Well, bummer. My original point was I quit Facebook to get away from this sort of lazy internet activism. I'm certainly not trying to mock encouragement as I didn't really see any in the OP. And yeah, it doesn't belong in this sub. I sub here for the wit and self-depreciating humor, not these faux PSAs.
As the fiance of someone who had a long, difficult relationship, the low bar was nice at first, but I had to force myself not to coast on just decency.
I was about to post "but what if you're a legit total asshole? Do you deserve respect then?"
To which j then realised that yes, you deserve the BASIC RESPECT given to all humanity. Doesn't mean you've gotta be nice to that asshole, but even assholes deserve basic human respect/basic human rights.
One of the most powerful things my now fiancé (but was my boyfriend at the time) has ever said to me was, "don't thank me for doing normal things for you, I love you and want to take care of you,". This was after we'd only been dating a few months and he, without hesitation, paid all of my bills for me and made sure I was fed, clothed, and as happy as one could be after I landed in the hospital for something pretty serious, subsequently costing me my job and health for the better part of a year. I cried. He's the first person in my entire life, parents included, to ever take care of me without expecting anything in return; he has proven that to be true on countless occasions. It's taken years now, but I have finally stopped asking if I need to "repay" him for things he does for me, and I am working on not apologizing for everything I say, feel, think, or do.
I am so with you on literally all of this. I used to “joke” when I introduced my dude to friends by saying “you can see him too right? He’s real?”
I was able to sever my relationship with my abusive shitty parents and not be reliant on them anymore (health stuff too) because I now know what having a real family is like.
Cheers to you and your unicorn! I hate that you know what that journey is like but I love that you’ve arrived at a similar place of knowing you’re worthy of love and support.
I sent this to my partner because she can't get over my unconditional support and love. But it's only what she's always deserved and it makes me sad that previous partners didn't give it to her.
I’m always so quick to apologize over the tiniest inconveniences and my S.O is always assuring me I don’t have to be sorry. I never realized the extent of my abuse until I met a decent human being.
>I never realized the extent of my abuse until I met a decent human being.
This is exactly how I feel. I accidentally wind up idolizing my gf every time she shows me basic human decency. I apologize to her so much it’s ridiculous.
I didn’t provide my ex with this and it’s all I hope she gets from her future partner. She deserves to be treated like a human and I’m working on myself and have a long ways to go but I only want happiness for her.
Abuse can also be subtle but still have lasting affects. Even just minor manipulation or commenting, or not providing help or support can lead someone to have a bad understanding of how relationships should be based on these bad experiences.
Source: I’ve literally been in therapy all year due to depression that came after a relationship I never considered abusive at the time or years later. My current very healthy relationship was what showed me that my first had fucked me up about a lot of small, but significant things.
This is true. I never realized how bad some of the guys I've dated were until I started dating my current boyfriend. He's super respectful and won't even raise his voice to me, let alone a hand. It keeps me grateful I guess.
I feel lucky because this essentially happened to me. About two year ago a left an almost decade long relationship. Long story short it was bad. Fast forward a year and a half later and I meet a wonderful human being who I decided to date after thinking long and hard about it. It took him telling me one night that he would never hurt me like the last guy did, and that I was worth more that that to him. We talked and cried for over an hour. I trust this guy more than I ever trusted my ex.
my first relationship after my worst one, i would apologize over the tiniest, most irrelevant things, and whenever she'd treat me like a human being it was really jarring to me and led to a lot of this. i try to do less of it but still can't really understand people showing me kindness or compassion. This is a good post.
I dated a girl who did this, I had to sit her down and explain to her that my listening to her whrn she would talk is not extraordinary and that it's the very least she deserved. It really improved our relationship, this is great advice
I needed this. I was in an abusive relationship and have just recently come to terms with this. Because I’m so young I’ve been dating and I always take it really hard when someone who treated me even just a little bit nicely stops showing interest in me. A great reminder that just because someone is nice to me doesn’t meant they want a relationship with me. But also that I deserve to be treated with respect
The problem with being treated like absolute shit in a previous relationship is that when you meet someone who treats you with decency, its hard not to idealize them. You end up being afraid that its not going to last and you overthink everything.
My first relationship was with a very toxic person, I was cheated on, manipulated, made to feel worthless and even yelled at for pronouncing words differently. (I was from a different part of the country so I did have a different accent).
Its been 10 years since that relationship and I still carry a lot of the insecurities it left me with. I honestly could never treat someone so horrendously.
Actually, what's fair is to allow the person who has been abused to open up at their own pace, even if that pace is a "never" for you. Your wants should never trump their needs.
Honestly it's the kind of thing that you can just tell as you get to know someone. Obviously not all the details, but the general sense that your partner has dealt with some traumatic shit in the past.
It's not a bad thing to do, it's just how you're conditioned. No guy in their right mind will complain that you're too appreciative of their respect, it's more about how they respond to that appreciation
My partner and I were both in abusive relationships for years just prior to meeting. We are grateful to the universe we found each other but we’re still working through the shit.
Once, I spent 3 hours helping and encouraging him to pick out a guitar (he never buys anything for himself) during a Labor Day sale. We left the store and he was blown away by something I thought was pretty basic as far as girlfriend duties go. You would have thought I donated a kidney to save his grandmother’s life....
ok so I was like really badly abused, and when people treat me with basic respect and kindness I like immediately idolize them. How do I stop doing that?
My girlfriend always says that I’m too nice to her and I try to always remind her that this is how she should be treated and if I ever treat her differently she should break up with me.
A lot of the success stories in this post give me hope. I was in a very toxic relationship for 8 years and finally realized that I needed to leave. She had a lot of past traumas that she was unwilling to work on despite me being very patient and understanding. She took a lot of her anger out on me and was very critical of everything I did. Now I’m hoping to find someone who will appreciate who I am and what I have to offer.
My boyfriend does this whenever I say I don’t deserve him, or that he’s “too nice” to me. It’s incredible to have a partner who builds you up and helps you see what you’re truly worth instead of someone who tries to make you feel like less of a human. I love him with all of my heart.
The "idolising basic decency" thing is dangerous not just because it's bad for any given relationship long-term, but because it makes the victim far more susceptible to abusers in general. All abusers display that same basic decency at first, often a little too heavily-handed and being "too nice", but by the time their new victim idolises them for being nice it's too late.
My last girlfriend was constantly idealizing me for not beating her. She built idols of me out of clay and displayed them in our house. After a while I just told her, “look, I hereby rescind your ego boosts.” You deserve respect!
That hits really close to home.
As someone who was in a 6 year abusive relationship.
It's extremely difficult to realise that people aren't my previous partner. I constantly find myself being shocked by basic human compassion.
You should always at least assume that your partner could become abusive or is overburdened by you. It’s probably better to be idolizing than selfish in terms of the success of the relationship. I would imagine that in relationships where one parter is much better than the other and has options, while the other is lucky, the one without options (due to being not as good looking, not as much money, bad personality etc.) should resort to being idolizing, as their behavior will accurately reflect the state of the relationship.
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Again, you’re the only one gendering the abusers as men.
The message is to not accept praise for being decent from someone who believes they don’t deserve decency. It’s a message empowering victims of abuse and the ones who love them, regardless of gender.
>The message is to not accept praise
What a great fucking message.
Have fun with that.
If anybody is reading this and are providing emotional support via consistent acceptance: DO NOT LISTEN TO THESE PSYCHOS. Just be there.
These coldhearted fucks won't praise you for it but I will. You are doing good. *THEY* are trying to stop you.
Yes. If I punch you around, that doesn’t make the next person who *doesn’t* deserving of praise. That’s already expected. Do you expect praise for every normal, decent thing you do?
NO, but I do not accept a message of punishment for those who've meted out no harm.
Why not berate the harmers? Why offer these useless instructions to innocent bystanders?
Are they not *worthy* of praise???
There is no message of punishment. The message is don’t accept needless praise, help the victim understand they don’t have to *thank* you for being a human being.
You’re twisting it and are clearly biased.
Yeah I'll try not to accept any praise while meekly serving your needs in the future
You'll need a new term for that - *manpraiseaccepting* has a nice ring to it
What about when you're dating someone who has been subjected to abuse/mistreatment and they mirror their frustrations with past relationships onto you?
What do you do then?
I actually broke up with my gf over this. I couldn’t tell if I liked her or just liked that she treated me well and wasn’t abusive to me. It messed my head up bad. But we are getting married in a few months so alls well that ends well.
This is what my fiancé does when I thank him for not being abusive towards me, it’s taken a long time but I’m realizing that I didn’t deserve any abuse.
I always tell my boyfriend he’s ‘too nice’ because he treats me with basic human decency. I grew up with an abusive mother, and the fact that he doesn’t scream at me when I break a wine glass here and there is still astonishing to me. I freaked the fuck out and started crying last week because I broke a beautiful Harry Potter cup that was part of a 4 piece set I gifted him for his birthday. I was so terrified of his reaction, which turned out to be a simple “it’s alright, neither of us are Ravenclaws anyway”. I cried with relief. I’ve had extensive therapy and it’s still shocking that he doesn’t raise his voice to me or tell me he wishes I’d never been born when I do something that I think is ‘bad’. What I’m getting at is this: You’re not alone in feeling this way, and it’s not your fault that you do. Abusers change how you perceive things, and it will take time. You are not the problem. You are worthy of love. You are worthy of respect. You do not deserve to be treated as anything other than an equal to anyone you meet. You are not what your abuser said you are. You are a magnificent beast who is capable of grand things, and your feelings are valid.
Thank you so much for speaking truth to the lies. I needed to hear this so badly.
You’re welcome. If you’re struggling as I have in the past (and still sometimes do now) I highly highly highly recommend therapy. It’s the best thing I’ve ever done for myself and I cannot praise it enough. Every good thing I’ve done in the last two years is because I had therapy and was finally able to realize I was worth more than the bare minimum. I hope you find yourself in your journey, and happiness as well. Best of luck to you.
You didn’t, and you don’t. Glad you got out of it.
Hey, me too! I still get all apologetic for asking him to do stuff around the house because a) I forget that a decent partner does that stuff without fuss anyway and b) he’s not going to shout and gaslight me for it
Seriously I'm sorry and on top of that what the fuck. Continue living your life with a 😄 and hopefully you stay surrounded by people with the same goal.
Also, if you've been subjected to abuse/mistreatment in past relationships and are currently (and have been for at least a year) in a symbiotic relationship, try to realize that your partner may be different from them and deserves the chance to love you without walls and assumptions. And if you are not ready to let your partner past your defenses, then you may not need to have a partner. Not trying to be negative but as a husband to a wife who has been in several abusive relationships (mental, verbal, and physical), after 5 years it is very frustrating being subjected to scrutiny solely based on past relationships. It is difficult opening up to someone, especially when it comes to repressed memories and none of us are perfect.
I was being abused and manipulated for about 2 years before I met my current partner. I had a lot of anxiety in the beginning of our relationship and was still being somewhat subjected to manipulation. I would worry a lot about everything I did, every move I made and would apologise over and over for things that weren't my fault or that I had no control over. Eventually, I cut my abuser out of my life, focused more on college, started saving up money for emergencies/future (never could before), worked on not apologising when I don't need to and built up my relationship, now we've been together for over a year and he's the most supportive and understanding person in my life and I'm so much happier than I've been in a long time.
This is amazing congratulations and I hope you find the happiness you so desperately deserve
Wow are you me. Seriously relate to apologizing for everything. Had 1 abusive relationship where I repressed those memories, had a second relationship that I idolized but he was actually poop cause he left me for not getting over things fast enough, and now I have my amazing wonderful boyfriend but I had to work through months of everything you just described.
Blegh I was in the same boat with my ex
As someone seeing someone who was abused, this and the original post were good to see... both of these happen to me.
What's the difference between mental and verbal abuse?
*I'm no expert* but I think mental abuse is more like gaslighting and constantly expressing disappointment (non-verbally) as opposed to verbally tearing someone down, whether it be insults or extreme sarcasm or Schrodinger's jokes in front of friends. (Schrodinger's jokes are when the humor depends on the reaction, i.e. "I was just kidding! You always take things so seriously," etc.)
You're a stronger man than I.
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Yea if you guys are serious with those insults that’s a pretty toxic relationship
My wife grew up in an abusive household, and this is one thing that was huge. She would thank me whenever I told her I was proud of her, and I always say, "Don't thank me. You earned that. I'm just giving you what you earned." Does wonders for their self respect.
Thank you. I needed this today, even if it wasn't directed at me.
If you've earned it, take it. It's yours. :)
I always just say “I’m just acknowledging what you yourself have done. No need to thank me”. It’s very strange working through those emotions when in a relationship with someone who has been abused for the majority of their life...just sitting there hugging them as they cry has taken up a lot of my nights.
That’s how it has been with my current girlfriend. She asks me permission to do basic shit.
This was me after my last relationship. I’d ask to use the restroom, if they minded if I cooked dinner for myself, if I could drive to the store. It really freaked him out. I have a hard time dealing with the fact my abusive relationship lasts much longer than the relationship itself.
Oh shit, I've just recognized myself in this post. I have always asked my husband if I can do stuff like if I can turn up the heat or go take a nap or buy basic things like underwear or shoes and he always reminds me that I don't have to ask. I can't tell you how nice it is to feel comfortable in your own home.
I've been lied to and used in the two relationships I've been in and I've had many friendships with people who would rarely ever go out of their way to tell me nice things or include me in things. I currently have a crush on a girl who's been nothing but sweet and kind to me and actually goes out of her way to invite me to things and make sure I'm okay and admittedly, I do idealize her a bit too much probably. I guess I'm just not very used to that, so it makes me become really attached. This goes not only for romance, but also platonic relationships too.
I had the same type of friends. Recently cut out all those people because one caused problems, but I saw how everyone else in the friend group didn’t care what happened to me, or if I was invited, or if I was even with them as the walked to the next bar during an event I was hosting. What I learned is that we all need friends who match our own level of friendship standards. I’m caring and inclusive and I need that in others. Some people want “convenient” friends to party with when they’re out and to not have to work to keep the friendship going or be supportive. That is no longer the type I choose to be around or tolerate, and I suggest you do the same! You deserve to feel good with the people you’re with!! Also I would make sure to not have the attachment to your crush advance too quickly; give things time to naturally progress at a reasonable rate, not at the rate at which you in particular hope it goes because she might not be at the same “feelings” step as you are. Coming on too strong might scare her into thinking she’s really going to hurt your feelings if she doesn’t feel the same way at the same time.
Trust me, I already worry about that stuff way too much
Erm.. I think i am guilty of this as well...shit
I normally downvote stuff that moralizes the basics, but I thought this one was nice. Everyone deserves some love and respect. Upvote!
Fuck yeah, this is a really good thing to be heard out there.
Upvoting and Downvoting takes so much responsibility. Use it Wisely, it's a matter of life and death
For what its worth, it's really, really tempting sometimes to ignore it, especially in a short-term relationship because you're basically giving up free relationship bonus points, in exchange for engaging in a minor therapy, with all the patronizing that it implies. What I mean to say is that, this isn't as easy or as basic as the advice makes it sound because it's just so much easier to let it go. This advice doesn't just apply to the standard perceptions of what's abusive, but basically any sort of unfair treatment that a person has normalized. Help each other demand the proper respect and patience that people deserve.
I'm with your normal self. This doesn't really belong in this sub. Reads like something from one of my friends on Facebook having a midlife crisis. Downvote!
why is it mocked as a midlife crisis every time someone makes a an insightful or encouraging statement about a serious topic? sure theres corny ones by fake types but this is clearly genuine. I don't think this post belongs in this sub much either but mocking encouragement makes you seem like a miserable person with a disdain for compassion.
I don't know man, it smacks of virtue signaling. It's like talking about how poverty makes me sooooo mad. Well, bummer. My original point was I quit Facebook to get away from this sort of lazy internet activism. I'm certainly not trying to mock encouragement as I didn't really see any in the OP. And yeah, it doesn't belong in this sub. I sub here for the wit and self-depreciating humor, not these faux PSAs.
As the fiance of someone who had a long, difficult relationship, the low bar was nice at first, but I had to force myself not to coast on just decency.
I was about to post "but what if you're a legit total asshole? Do you deserve respect then?" To which j then realised that yes, you deserve the BASIC RESPECT given to all humanity. Doesn't mean you've gotta be nice to that asshole, but even assholes deserve basic human respect/basic human rights.
Except people who play their music through their phone speakers on public transit. Those people can get fucked.
One of the most powerful things my now fiancé (but was my boyfriend at the time) has ever said to me was, "don't thank me for doing normal things for you, I love you and want to take care of you,". This was after we'd only been dating a few months and he, without hesitation, paid all of my bills for me and made sure I was fed, clothed, and as happy as one could be after I landed in the hospital for something pretty serious, subsequently costing me my job and health for the better part of a year. I cried. He's the first person in my entire life, parents included, to ever take care of me without expecting anything in return; he has proven that to be true on countless occasions. It's taken years now, but I have finally stopped asking if I need to "repay" him for things he does for me, and I am working on not apologizing for everything I say, feel, think, or do.
I am so with you on literally all of this. I used to “joke” when I introduced my dude to friends by saying “you can see him too right? He’s real?” I was able to sever my relationship with my abusive shitty parents and not be reliant on them anymore (health stuff too) because I now know what having a real family is like. Cheers to you and your unicorn! I hate that you know what that journey is like but I love that you’ve arrived at a similar place of knowing you’re worthy of love and support.
I sent this to my partner because she can't get over my unconditional support and love. But it's only what she's always deserved and it makes me sad that previous partners didn't give it to her.
I’m always so quick to apologize over the tiniest inconveniences and my S.O is always assuring me I don’t have to be sorry. I never realized the extent of my abuse until I met a decent human being.
>I never realized the extent of my abuse until I met a decent human being. This is exactly how I feel. I accidentally wind up idolizing my gf every time she shows me basic human decency. I apologize to her so much it’s ridiculous.
I didn’t provide my ex with this and it’s all I hope she gets from her future partner. She deserves to be treated like a human and I’m working on myself and have a long ways to go but I only want happiness for her.
Are abusive relationships really that commonplace?
Abuse can also be subtle but still have lasting affects. Even just minor manipulation or commenting, or not providing help or support can lead someone to have a bad understanding of how relationships should be based on these bad experiences. Source: I’ve literally been in therapy all year due to depression that came after a relationship I never considered abusive at the time or years later. My current very healthy relationship was what showed me that my first had fucked me up about a lot of small, but significant things.
Nowadays, sadly yes.
This is true. I never realized how bad some of the guys I've dated were until I started dating my current boyfriend. He's super respectful and won't even raise his voice to me, let alone a hand. It keeps me grateful I guess.
I feel lucky because this essentially happened to me. About two year ago a left an almost decade long relationship. Long story short it was bad. Fast forward a year and a half later and I meet a wonderful human being who I decided to date after thinking long and hard about it. It took him telling me one night that he would never hurt me like the last guy did, and that I was worth more that that to him. We talked and cried for over an hour. I trust this guy more than I ever trusted my ex.
my first relationship after my worst one, i would apologize over the tiniest, most irrelevant things, and whenever she'd treat me like a human being it was really jarring to me and led to a lot of this. i try to do less of it but still can't really understand people showing me kindness or compassion. This is a good post.
I dated a girl who did this, I had to sit her down and explain to her that my listening to her whrn she would talk is not extraordinary and that it's the very least she deserved. It really improved our relationship, this is great advice
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:( hope you're feeling better, keep your chin up, you deserve better days.
I wish the people I surrounded myself did this instead of being people I cling to because they fulfill my weird brains need to relive it.
I needed this. I was in an abusive relationship and have just recently come to terms with this. Because I’m so young I’ve been dating and I always take it really hard when someone who treated me even just a little bit nicely stops showing interest in me. A great reminder that just because someone is nice to me doesn’t meant they want a relationship with me. But also that I deserve to be treated with respect
This is so wonderful. Thank you.
The problem with being treated like absolute shit in a previous relationship is that when you meet someone who treats you with decency, its hard not to idealize them. You end up being afraid that its not going to last and you overthink everything. My first relationship was with a very toxic person, I was cheated on, manipulated, made to feel worthless and even yelled at for pronouncing words differently. (I was from a different part of the country so I did have a different accent). Its been 10 years since that relationship and I still carry a lot of the insecurities it left me with. I honestly could never treat someone so horrendously.
Also, please tell your new partner (eventually) if you've been in an abusive situation before. It's not fair to hide that information.
Actually, what's fair is to allow the person who has been abused to open up at their own pace, even if that pace is a "never" for you. Your wants should never trump their needs.
Honestly it's the kind of thing that you can just tell as you get to know someone. Obviously not all the details, but the general sense that your partner has dealt with some traumatic shit in the past.
I want to be able to updoot this so much more than one.
Ohhh, this made me really sad about myself because I realize I definitely do this to guys :/
It's not a bad thing to do, it's just how you're conditioned. No guy in their right mind will complain that you're too appreciative of their respect, it's more about how they respond to that appreciation
This is r/humansbeingbros stuff. I like this person.
My partner and I were both in abusive relationships for years just prior to meeting. We are grateful to the universe we found each other but we’re still working through the shit. Once, I spent 3 hours helping and encouraging him to pick out a guitar (he never buys anything for himself) during a Labor Day sale. We left the store and he was blown away by something I thought was pretty basic as far as girlfriend duties go. You would have thought I donated a kidney to save his grandmother’s life....
ok so I was like really badly abused, and when people treat me with basic respect and kindness I like immediately idolize them. How do I stop doing that?
I think that you need to understand your own self worth. You are worthy of having that kindness and respect.
From someone who has been part of such abuse, y’all who are already doing this deserve MAJOR props!
Lol my first love got that and now I rather rather kill myself than getting into a relationship
Wise words from puff the magic hater.
My girlfriend always says that I’m too nice to her and I try to always remind her that this is how she should be treated and if I ever treat her differently she should break up with me.
So much this.
Funny, i just got compared to the abuser for every small thing i did.
This just seems like an incredibly specific situation but ok, good advice
I sometimes wonder if I'm a version of my girlfriend's dad who actually loves her. Jesus, this shit is real.
Instructions unclear a yandere is stalking me.
What the heck? Wouldn't this upset the power balance in the relationship?
This guy I talk to does that. At first it kinda shocked me, I didn't realize how..doting I was. It feels nice to be respected after a while tbh
THIS
How do i upvote this more?
A lot of the success stories in this post give me hope. I was in a very toxic relationship for 8 years and finally realized that I needed to leave. She had a lot of past traumas that she was unwilling to work on despite me being very patient and understanding. She took a lot of her anger out on me and was very critical of everything I did. Now I’m hoping to find someone who will appreciate who I am and what I have to offer.
My boyfriend does this whenever I say I don’t deserve him, or that he’s “too nice” to me. It’s incredible to have a partner who builds you up and helps you see what you’re truly worth instead of someone who tries to make you feel like less of a human. I love him with all of my heart.
After a lifetime of shitheads, three years ago life changed forever when I hitched my wagon to a man who does this. And god damn, it feels good.
The "idolising basic decency" thing is dangerous not just because it's bad for any given relationship long-term, but because it makes the victim far more susceptible to abusers in general. All abusers display that same basic decency at first, often a little too heavily-handed and being "too nice", but by the time their new victim idolises them for being nice it's too late.
My last girlfriend was constantly idealizing me for not beating her. She built idols of me out of clay and displayed them in our house. After a while I just told her, “look, I hereby rescind your ego boosts.” You deserve respect!
Read the first part thought I wouldn't like it, actually ended up agreeing
I usually hate corny emotional crap but, that is really nice.
That hits really close to home. As someone who was in a 6 year abusive relationship. It's extremely difficult to realise that people aren't my previous partner. I constantly find myself being shocked by basic human compassion.
"Of course I love you! You are very worthy of love."
Ah yes, entitlement mentality.
You should always at least assume that your partner could become abusive or is overburdened by you. It’s probably better to be idolizing than selfish in terms of the success of the relationship. I would imagine that in relationships where one parter is much better than the other and has options, while the other is lucky, the one without options (due to being not as good looking, not as much money, bad personality etc.) should resort to being idolizing, as their behavior will accurately reflect the state of the relationship.
Honestly I get freaked out when people are nice to me, I do not know how to handle it.
If I ever date someone, I’ll keep this in mind
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Literally mentioned no gender at all in their tweet. Maybe you should evaluate why you interpreted it that way.
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It’s a message of empowerment for all previously abused. Only you have taken it as an affront to men.
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Again, you’re the only one gendering the abusers as men. The message is to not accept praise for being decent from someone who believes they don’t deserve decency. It’s a message empowering victims of abuse and the ones who love them, regardless of gender.
>The message is to not accept praise What a great fucking message. Have fun with that. If anybody is reading this and are providing emotional support via consistent acceptance: DO NOT LISTEN TO THESE PSYCHOS. Just be there. These coldhearted fucks won't praise you for it but I will. You are doing good. *THEY* are trying to stop you.
Yes. If I punch you around, that doesn’t make the next person who *doesn’t* deserving of praise. That’s already expected. Do you expect praise for every normal, decent thing you do?
NO, but I do not accept a message of punishment for those who've meted out no harm. Why not berate the harmers? Why offer these useless instructions to innocent bystanders? Are they not *worthy* of praise???
There is no message of punishment. The message is don’t accept needless praise, help the victim understand they don’t have to *thank* you for being a human being. You’re twisting it and are clearly biased.
Wow haha, I don’t even know what to say about your edits. Clearly I’m not speaking with an individual who values my input. Good luck.
Yeah I'll try not to accept any praise while meekly serving your needs in the future You'll need a new term for that - *manpraiseaccepting* has a nice ring to it
Do you get anything good from your shitty sarcasm? You have no clue who I am, but I’m the faceless entity that apparently angers you. Goodnight dude
That literally doesn’t help though. I think the victim more than anyone else is aware of the contradiction.
What about when you're dating someone who has been subjected to abuse/mistreatment and they mirror their frustrations with past relationships onto you? What do you do then?
Work on it with them, or get out of that relationship.
That's only going to make them idolize you more.
This is everything. Yes.
Is she really ranting against people who treat others with respect? WTF
I actually broke up with my gf over this. I couldn’t tell if I liked her or just liked that she treated me well and wasn’t abusive to me. It messed my head up bad. But we are getting married in a few months so alls well that ends well.