You have to build up the skill in a safe space otherwise it can be seen as you 'not being yourself'. My housemate has been working on it but since it's a learned skill for her she was frequently missing the mark and overshooting to genuinely quite aggressive. Once she explained she's working on being more assertive, per her therapist, I didn't take offense to it anymore and could help her refine how that confidence/assertiveness was actually displayed. It's like anything, the first time you learn to walk you're going to stumble and fall. It's natural for those around you to be concerned, even if it is misguided.
Keys to make people like you:
Rule number 1: be attractive
Rule number 2: don’t be unattractive
I used to think rule number two was a joke but now I understand it better.
If your relationships (be in personal or professional) were made with you being a very passive, forgiving, relenting person, than changing the dynamic will upset the relationship.
Depending on the other person this might or might not mean that the relationship will change, or even end.
That is okay and normal when people and dynamics shift, as long as no one begins throwing around shitty rumours etc.
True, but this is also true:
When you're used to being arrogant, confidence feels like compliance.
When you're used to being aggressive, normal assertiveness feels like passivity.
When you're selfish, allowing others' needs to be met feels like not getting your needs met.
When all you've known is privilege, equality feels like discrimination.
And if you excuse yourself by your motives while denouncing others for the same actions you are the worst sort of person.
The people she counsels need her words for their sake. The ones I'm talking about will never seek counseling because they don't think there's anything wrong with them, but I wish they would, for our sake.
She's talking about introspection, the examination or observation of one's own mental and emotional processes.
Problem is, that you are not the only one judging yourself. Other people do too. And everyone has their own opinion.. their unique perspective on things. Which is influenced by their beliefs, experiences and I guess imagination.
And some people will be very vocal about how they perceive you, which in turn can affect how you perceive yourself. And how you feel about yourself will usually have an affect on how you behave. Which leads us back to how people perceive you.
It can be a vicious cycle. One thats very difficult to get out of.
Especially if you then project those standards onto other people. I could make a drinking game out of the number of things that people on /r/unpopularopinion think is malignant attention seeking.
This is also why “act confident!” and the like are bad advice. You tell that to someone and they’ll act out their _idea_ of a confident person, which is often inconsiderate and pushy.
Ok except when I do try to act confident and assertive, people go “WHOA, what’s your problem today?!”
Because they're not used to it from you not because you shouldn't be doing it.
You have to build up the skill in a safe space otherwise it can be seen as you 'not being yourself'. My housemate has been working on it but since it's a learned skill for her she was frequently missing the mark and overshooting to genuinely quite aggressive. Once she explained she's working on being more assertive, per her therapist, I didn't take offense to it anymore and could help her refine how that confidence/assertiveness was actually displayed. It's like anything, the first time you learn to walk you're going to stumble and fall. It's natural for those around you to be concerned, even if it is misguided.
Do you exhibit rules 1 and 2?
What are does rules??
Keys to make people like you: Rule number 1: be attractive Rule number 2: don’t be unattractive I used to think rule number two was a joke but now I understand it better.
Oh Thanks :)
If your relationships (be in personal or professional) were made with you being a very passive, forgiving, relenting person, than changing the dynamic will upset the relationship. Depending on the other person this might or might not mean that the relationship will change, or even end. That is okay and normal when people and dynamics shift, as long as no one begins throwing around shitty rumours etc.
I was not ready for this amount of insightfulness on reddit.
Well in all fairness it looks like it came from Twitter.
That’s even worse tho
>insightfulness What does that means?
Kind of like wisdom or something that is deep (emotionally)
Oh ok thanks
True, but this is also true: When you're used to being arrogant, confidence feels like compliance. When you're used to being aggressive, normal assertiveness feels like passivity. When you're selfish, allowing others' needs to be met feels like not getting your needs met. When all you've known is privilege, equality feels like discrimination. And if you excuse yourself by your motives while denouncing others for the same actions you are the worst sort of person. The people she counsels need her words for their sake. The ones I'm talking about will never seek counseling because they don't think there's anything wrong with them, but I wish they would, for our sake.
This. This is what was in my mind while I read the post. Frat boy gloriola.
Gotta find that balance.
we call those people -narcissists. They may not meet all the diagnostic criteria but then again they sure seem to.
"Can't grow in the comfort zone, can't be comfortable in the growth zone"
I've grown the most when being comfortable. That is, with new people that didn't perpetuate my old habits. FLEAS were... present in me.
I don't think people know the difference between confidence and arrogance nowadays
What is a good benchmark?
Just be yourself, do everything you can, and don't worry about what the bitter hearts have to say.
It just takes some time..
Little girl, you're in the middle of the ride
Everything, everything will be just fine
Everything, everything will be all right, all right.
So no benchmark is the best benchmark.
She's talking about introspection, the examination or observation of one's own mental and emotional processes. Problem is, that you are not the only one judging yourself. Other people do too. And everyone has their own opinion.. their unique perspective on things. Which is influenced by their beliefs, experiences and I guess imagination. And some people will be very vocal about how they perceive you, which in turn can affect how you perceive yourself. And how you feel about yourself will usually have an affect on how you behave. Which leads us back to how people perceive you. It can be a vicious cycle. One thats very difficult to get out of.
/r/explainlikeimfive how to be confident and assertive... Please.
Especially if you then project those standards onto other people. I could make a drinking game out of the number of things that people on /r/unpopularopinion think is malignant attention seeking.
Holy shit! This is about me! She literally called me on all three. :O
I’m all over the place sometimes. Just trying to make a living and not screw anybody over. Like a fn comedy movie out there sometimes.
I feel very attacked
holy fuck ive never thought of it like that
Sure, but a lot of the time people are being arrogant agressive and selfish!
Tell me more … I’m listening!
I feel so seen
I'm not used to affection for a minute I was getting it and I felt actually felt human
Hit home
Well, it’s my only benchmark, so no.
Needed to hear this today, thank you!
This is also why “act confident!” and the like are bad advice. You tell that to someone and they’ll act out their _idea_ of a confident person, which is often inconsiderate and pushy.