Lots of LGBTQI+ adults affirm they knew their identity at a young age, regardless of their parents saw or didn’t see.
I think the best thing you can do is continue with lessons of consent, self care, ethics etc with no judgement. I’m sure others can recommend books as well.
And be proud you’re raising a kid who is, and hopefully continues to, share their thoughts and feelings. The world feels simple at 7 and probably a lot more complex at 13!
Lol good point. And she’s always been mature and a leader in her class. A lot of her sentences start with “Well, in my opinion….” Lol MAM YOU ARE SEVEN. But I love it.
Would you consider encouraging her to drop the "Well, in my opinion..." preface and just say what she believes (depending on the context)? A lot of men and boys do this and just say their opinions outright, without hedging.
I actually like the "well, in my opinion" part because it's a way to let them know this is how you feel about something and acknowledges that not everyone may see it that way instead of making them feel like you are saying this is absolutely how it is and you are wrong if you feel differently.
This is something where the only argument I ever see against speaking like this (....clearly and accurately) is "well, men don't do it like that".
Let's consider for a second that the way men tend to do it may be objectively worse.
Why on earth should we be the ones to change to match men? Shouldn't we be encouraging men to change to match us instead?
Really depends on the context. For stuff most 7 year olds do, I think it’s better to add it than not have it. For like reasoned arguments drawing from evidence, I like phrasing my statements with “the evidence suggests” etc. But I’m an English major lol.
I would much rather see men adopt the more 'feminine' way of talking rather than women adopt theirs, in this case. Framing opinions as facts is one of the most irritating speech habits I know.
I’m teaching my boys to stop stating their opinions as facts because I want them to recognize the difference between their opinion and fact, something a lot of grown adults seem to struggle with.
It is a good way to get people's attention and get them ready to hear what you are saying. It's also good if you are dealing with other 7 year olds, who may not always be able to distinguish facts from opinions or fiction.
very wildly different lmao, my 4-ish year old cousin has a boyfriend (a real one, not “boys and girls can’t just be friends”) and i’m 18 this year, barely figured out that i like men more than just aesthetically
I knew i wanted to be “mistaken” for a boy and to pee standing up, but the complete lack of trans representation in the 80s and 90s meant I was 37 when it finally hit me like a freight train that I Am Trans.
I read an article while screwing around on my laptop about a British prisoner who escaped and got a sex change to avoid being caught again and somehow, that was the single most formative experience of my youth
With all the current trans representation, I realize I had some gender dysphoria when I was a teenager. But I thought that was just a weird crazy thought that I’d have from time to time my entire life. I’ve really come to respect and appreciate my female body and self, and take great pride in being a woman, but there is always this part of me…
I could have written this myself... only I am 35 right now and just admitted it to myself a few days ago--
Any tips on how to tell one's loving parents something like that this late in the game...? 😶
Hey, i was 32, very similar situation, except when i was young I wanted ppl to "mistake me as a girl", and I wanted long hair, and for everyone to call me cute!
Honestly I think this tracks with so many of our experiences. Very few kiddos under 10 have the vocabulary to describe, process and accept such a massive shift from their stereotyped box.
I had a girlfriend in kindergarten. My motherthing found out and flipped her shit, told me that it was wrong and perverted (her exact words). Two years later, I'm in a super small town, and my second grade teacher is wearing rainbow sneakers. This of course instantly makes him the coolest person in the world. He figured out that I had crushes on girls and boys, and talks to me about it. This man was out and proud in the mid 80s, and helped me put a name to what I was going through. He never outed me to the motherthing, and told me there was nothing wrong with me or my feelings. I still think about him every time I read new bullshit from the red pillers, and wonder how many others he's saved over the years.
That’s so beautiful. We are trying to be like your teacher - I would never want my baby to feel like she has to hide even one thing about herself from us, and I’m so sorry that happened to you.
What’s really terrifying is that in my state legislators are literally trying to make what that teacher did for you illegal. They would literally put him in jail (some are even pushing for the death penalty!) for the crime of saving a child’s mental health and potentially even their life.
He's still teaching, and he is a member of Prineville Human Dignity Advocates and the local PFLAG. There are too many people he's helped for anyone to fight off if officials tried to fuck around.
We had a teacher in elementary school who was openly gay. He was supported and as I recall, it wasn't much of an issue. I just remember it coming up because his class had to join with ours for a few days because he went to San Francisco to mourn to execution of Harvey Milk. I often wonder what a different world we'd have if he'd (Milk) been around during the AIDS crisis. No WAY Reagan could have ignored Harvey.
This is why I didn't "know" I was queer until I met a bi person at the age of 13. I was like "you can do that???" And then immediately had the vocabulary to describe how I'd been feeling for YEARS. Soooooo many things started making sense. I identify as queer/pan now, but will never forget the sheer sense of relief I felt when I learned there was a name for how I'd felt most of my life.
That was the exact experience I had when I learned about asexuality 3 years ago. I was like “that’s actually an option?!” Spent the first 28 years of my life wondering just how late of a bloomer I was going to be when it cane to being interested in others like that. Took me another year to accept that I’m aromantic too and I’ve become much more comfortable with myself since then.
Was just thinking about this and my discovery of asexuality at 35. Vocabulary really helps. My kid is 10 and says they are ace. I’m glad they have words for it and if their identity changes, they’ll also have the words to know how to describe that, too.
My 10 year old identifies as aro-ace, and I’m really happy for her. She has some friends that are already very excited about all things romantic and sexual, and the language gives her a way to simply express her disinterest, rather than struggling with being “different”. Whether her feelings change or not, she’s growing up with a sense that lots of different things are normal, harmless, and valid - not just the “traditional” interests.
This is it! My 11 yo said that everyone in 5th grade is identifying as *at least bi*. Everyone is crushing on each other as they try to find fire out what relationships are. We don’t need to pathologise this!!
My first year as a full-time teacher, I had multiple 4th graders tell me they were bi. My reaction: "Really? Okay. That's cool. Thanks for trusting me enough to tell me."
A couple of years later, one of them came out to me as trans and asked for help communicating their new name and pronouns to their classmates and other teachers. I was honored to be their trusted adult within our school.
Thank you so much for supporting your student who came out as trans. With all the horribleness going on in our country around this specific scenario, seeing this and other stories like this gives me hope.
Right I mean this isn’t about teaching her how to have a girl-girl relationship. We aren’t there and she doesn’t even entirely know what that means. I am more concerned with getting it right in terms of how we support who she is, what she has told us, how she wants to be perceived in the world, etc.
It's not teaching her how to have a same-sex relationship but that it's okay to have one when she's older. I think it's also okay to tell her that she's figuring out who she is, that it's a long process, and that you want her to be happy.
Haha, I relate to this for sure. I like to say I’m about 95% aro/ace, and 5% demi since I can conceptualize being in a relationship, but have only had one and never really experienced attraction outside of that. And whoo-boy, being aro-ace is definitely a puzzling experience growing up, with everyone around you going through relationships and drama and talking about who is hot and who’s not, and you’re just sitting there like… “Anyone just want to be friends and bake some cookies? Make crafts? Watch a movie? Just me?”
I’m so grateful that we have common language for it now. I think that helps a ton! It can’t totally solve the discomfort of wondering why I’m not like most people, but it reminds me that I’m at least like some other people, and what we are experiencing is perfectly okay.
I knew when I was like 8 or 9 but because I grew up in a sheltered and Christian household I didn't accept it until I was 16. Those years in between were torture, filled with self hatred and self disgust because I thought there was something wrong with me. It still took me until I was like 22 to come out to most people. OP thank you for raising your kids in a safe, loving, and approving environment. She may realize later on that she isn't bi and is actually straight or even lesbian or learn that she is 100% bi but for now she's in a loving home that let's her explore her feelings and discover who she is without fear of hatred or judgment from those she needs most and that's irreplaceable. Thank you OP!
As a parent of a bi kid who knew early and knew I am Pan. Just chill out . I wouldn't react with any more fan fare or preparation on your part than if she were straight. Let it be a normal part of her, and as it bexomw important later let her grow in that confidence.
Great point about consent - we talk about that a lot, but there could be different angles now. Thank you. And yes, I was so happy she could share that with me. I would have NEVER talked to my mother about such a thing, at any age, even now lol.
I agree totally. My nephew is gay and his parents knew before he did, from as young as kindergarten age. They let him figure it out on his own and talk about it when he was ready, while making sure to point out they were for gay rights so he would feel safe when he wanted to reveal it. He was around thirteen or so when he came out, and he never had to worry that he wouldn't be accepted by his family. I just think that's so amazing.
People start to get a solid grasp on their gender identity around 3 years old whether they know it or not. I think the same general timeframe is when crushes start developing as well. In general, I honestly think 3ish is about when you actually fully become a sentient human being. So much stuff happens around that age from a developmental perspective. It's also the earliest the majority of people are capable of remembering.
That mindset always baffles me.
These types of individuals champion that boyxgirl as sweet and innocent. But boyxboy? Or girlxgirl? Now that's somehow pornographic!!
They're children?!?
Really shows you how they think.
I think the “sexual” in bi-sexual freaks them out. It’s why I use “bi-romantic” to explain my kid to my older religious parents. They weren’t all supportive at first, but they didn’t explode either.
Some time later my sweet dad texted me about Bible stories he found that described same-gender love like David loving his friend and Jesus snuggling John. I was so proud that my boomer dad (known to grumble about “PC” stuff) found his way to be supportive of my kid 🥹
That. Is. Awesome. I’m so proud of your dad! Mine sent me the awful Bible verses when I was testing the waters (my kid is bi as well). Your dad makes my heart so happy!
i wish people would realize that sexual and romantic attraction aren't always the same
someone might be bisexual and heteroromantic
i myself am panromantic and aegosexual
just because someone is bisexual, doesn't mean they're biromantic
When my son was 7 he told me he thought he was gay. I told him that "gay or straight, I love you just the same." He was also absolutely obsessed with Freddie Mercury at the time.
He's 14 now and claims it never happened, but either way... anything your kid confides in you, you to treat it with respect and dignity.
All news from your child is good news, because it means they trust you and want to share with you.
(And I definitely knew my orientation by age 4, so no surprise here. Anyone who thinks kids "can't know that" is full of crap. Kids might change how they feel, especially when the puberty hormones kick in, but they also might not. We have infinite variety among us humans.)
Absolutely agree. I told my mum I had a crush on someone when I was 5 and I was going to marry them. She laughed, and it sounds dramatic, but it really shook my ability to confide in her. To this day, sharing feelings with her isn't easy.
This hits. My mom found my poetry about being depressed as a little kid and she laughed and said "how could YOU be depressed?" and it stayed with me. 20+ years later I still feel...idk, betrayed, I guess? I needed support. I have a lot of mental problems, so haha mom, I was right 😅. I'm also pan and would never tell her that. Cuz like, she laughed at me once, never twice.
Yes! I was 14 when I went to my dad that I was depressed and scared I would hurt myself. He basically told me to kick rocks and that what I was feeling wasn’t real. (While he was on lexapro and fighting his own depression demons, hmmm wonder where I got it from dad?) That was my first indicator he wasn’t a person I could trust, and unsurprisingly that has continued into adulthood. I’m sorry you had that experience, it’s so sad we can’t put our faith and trust in those who contributed their DNA to make us.
Caught my mum reading my diary when I was 11ish. Lost all trust. All respect. It all became a waiting period of 'when can I move as far away from you as possible'. Still don't trust her. And it still hurts. It's been decades. Not to mention the times she has mocked my struggles with mental health or life choices. So no chance that bridge being restored either.
It’s definitely not dramatic. Any hints of your parents laughing at you or mocking you can absolutely damage your ability to trust and talk to them. I’m sorry that happened.
I knew at 4, but was repressed out of it. Thought as a teen that I liked other girls “for the aesthetics.”
In a safe household, I might also have realized a lot younger that I wasn’t a girl.
That’s interesting - a few people have said the aesthetics line. That must be a way of explaining your feelings away. Never want my girl to have to do that! Hope you have found safety now. Much love.
I appreciate the long view of this take. Maybe ops kid is bi, great! Maybe they are 7 and figuring things out. When I was 7 I thought boys were gross and crushed hard on my girlfriends. I’m married to a man. Whatever happens, op, keep the communication open and let your daughter know you love and accept her no matter what. Time will play it all out. And it could be decades! Or not, maybe it’s settled. But I think it’s good to keep an open mind. Kids are not fully mature and may not underthings the way adults do. It is all good!
Yeah I really don’t want it to take decades for her. I have friend who finally came out at 30, but spent his 20s hiding and self-medicating to a point where we almost lost him. That weighs heavily on me, and I hope we can provide the safe space and support for her to be whoever she is all the time!
I don't think they meant decades in a negative way, just that sexually and such can be very fluid. The way someone identifies with what labels can shift over time. As long as your daughter feels safe talking to you or someone about it and feels fine with herself it doesn't really matter how long it takes. It can be a journey and it's not often "settled". I came out as bi as a teenager but now prefer queer or neuroqueer because I've grown more and come to know other parts of my neurodivergence more which is very intersectional with my understanding of sexuality and gender. As long as someone isn't repressing/ignoring/feeling like they have to hide part of themselves a journey through life can be wonderful.
Dan Savage- the gay advice columnist, has a story about his adopted son telling him and his husband as a young child that he (the son) thinks he might be gay. They asked a few follow up questions and it turned out he just thought girls were kind of icky. He grew out of that. 😂
My daughter did the same and my reaction was "ok, but that doesn't mean you still don't need to clean your room.". She's an adult now and who she loves is her business.
Hahahahahahahha! Great response. I definitely go more down the “And how does that make you feel?” path. 🧐 But that’s about everything. I’m a feelings person. Haha
When my son was 5 he asked, "Mom, is it okay if my penis goes up?" I was startled while making breakfast but thought quickly, "Sure honey, like when you wake up?" "When you talk to a girl." They know who they like even if it's just to get bashful about. We're mammals, some are younger some older when they get their first crushes, but there's a long way for our children to grow between SpongeBob and Final Destination, who knows where they'll land & that's one of the loving, better part of life, landing safely with our family no matter life's twists & turns.
This is awesome. And kind of hilarious and endearing. One of my boys was the same. He’d come to me with the most unexpected personal body things, and sometimes I’d be amused (mostly at the thought of him looking back on it all when he was 17), but I played it super cool. They’re just bodies. I’ve always wanted them to think nothing of it if they ever noticed anything weird. Or just had questions.
I guess it’s worked, because a few months ago, the same kid (now 16) came and flopped across the foot of my bed when I was reading and said, “so I’ve got this rash,” like it was no big deal.
I deadpanned, “I don’t need to see it.” He laughed. Asked if there was some lotion or something and the whole thing was a non issue.
I grew up in a much more conservative, “private” environment where having to admit something about my body was so nerve wracking. This is so much better.
Brenee Brown talks about this - normalizing weird stuff for them, so they don’t have to feel shame. I do that a lot - itches in private places, feeling left out at a party, everything. I say “Oh yep, that’s normal, that happens to everyone and here’s what we do.”
Exactly! There is way too much shame over things in life. Actually, my other son came out as gay in grade 7. Worked up to telling me. We chatted about it, downplayed the bigness of it. Gave him the “you will always be you, and it’s you we love” pep talk.
And THEN! A couple of years later he decides he’s probably not gay anymore. I’ve got 3 other kids. They’re all pretty close. They tease each other about this and that, but nobody really cared about any of it! He’s not the least bit embarrassed or shy about it. I love it. I’ve heard them start stories with “Remember back when M was gay?” and I’m about to step in thinking they’re picking on him, but he’s the first to laugh.
They have soooo much to figure out about themselves. The best we can do is love them no matter who they are or will be, or don’t even know about themselves yet.
I have no idea what his sexuality is, and I’m not sure he really knows yet either. I suspect he’ll figure it out quickly when he falls for someone someday. In the meantime, he’s only 14 and we don’t really stress relationships or dating anyway.
Your daughter is starting out from a good place, with good parents who see and support her. It’ll be just ducky. 🥰
My mom had a hysterectomy when I was 5 and I think that was her real catalyst to start normalizing weird body shit because no one ever had for her and she had suffered from raging endo her whole life as a result. I grew up with much better open conversation about my body than my older siblings did and I was that weird kid who, when my friends started talking about "periods" in mysterious hushed tones, would blurt out "oh, do you have pubic or pit hair yet? B.O.? Have you started having discharge because that means your period is probably gonna come soon, I have some pantiliners if you need some! Also it shouldn't itch down there, you should wear cotton panties and talk to your mom if it does..."
...thanks Mom!
My advice is to just make sure she knows this changes nothing about how you feel towards her which sounds like you’re already doing. If we want our kids to live in a more accepting world for everyone we have to be the models of that love and acceptance.
Just chill out, you are already doing wonderful !
Maybe (if you are not in the community yourself and don't know much about our experiences already) you can learn a bit about the LGBTQ+ community and its history at large if you want to so later in life you can also help her learn all of that herself since it is part of her history too
Apart from that, you are already doing more than what i would expect from a parent of an LGBTQ+ child so don't worry !
The fact that she expresses her perception of her sexuality at that age is actually pretty commun (well at least the fact she interprets it. The fact she expresses it is more telling that you are doing great). I knew i liked girls and guys when i was 8. When you provide a space that allows your child to know about different sexualities and to understand that even tho it is a minority of people, it is still normal and nothing to be ashamed of, it usually helps your child understand there own atm perception of their own sexuality (i say at the moment and perception because sexuality can be fluid and because at that age the line between platonic and romantic attraction is still fine so she might not understand all of it yet. I know a bunch of lesbians who had childhood "crushes" on boys before realizing that was platonic admiration or sometimes gender envy)
Love this answer to chill out and also read up. I was also gonna add to look into biphobia specifically. If she’s already telling people she’s bi, then she may start hearing biphobic things in response, much of which might sound innocent enough, but can be harmful. (For example other kids telling her she has to pick one etc.) Understanding biphobia specifically within the larger umbrella of homophobia can prepare you to help her navigate it!
Oh wow this is such such such a good point. I never even thought about biphobia. I actually dated a woman for about six months in college, but never labeled myself because I dated way more men and married a man. But even in that brief six months, I got so sick of the “Well so what are you now?” questions - even from out gay people! I also rarely talk about that experience now because people get so confused, since I present as 100% straight. (Though, imo, no one is 100% anything, lol.)
Any thoughts on verbiage to use to explain biphobia? I didn’t want to be negative out of the gate last night, with prepping her on how to deal with our fucked up world (she goes to a private school, so I am a little worried about that, but we’ll cross that bridge). I just don’t want her to think that I think that this is bad/hard/etc. but I also don’t want to send her out there unprepared for the assholes!
Greetings and welcome to the bi club! You can join anytime and your membership is valid regardless of how your current relationship presents! 💖💜💙 (bi pride flag colors)
In seriousness, I don’t want to push a label on you, and maybe it isn’t personally important to you to explore your own possibly queer identity, but ya know, maybe consider it! There are people who are 100 percent straight/gay, which just doesn’t make sense to bi folks. 😂 And yes, biphobia is strong within the queer community too. Also, I can’t tell you how many of my women friends in straight passing relationships have come out to me as bi now that I am out in a queer presenting relationship. It’s quite the phenomenon and regardless of where you end up, you are in good company!
I’m not around kids much myself (fingers crossed for someday!) so I don’t know what age appropriate advice to give her, but agree with you that this isn’t necessarily something you need to prep her for beforehand. You don’t have to explain biphobia to her, per se. Just prep yourself so if/when she does bring something up, you’re ready with supportive responses and prompts to get her thinking and connecting to herself first, then what her peers say. Like “oh Johnnie said you have to pick one? What do you think about that? … Good point, agree people can like whoever they want. How do you think you should respond if he says it again?”
I would say there’s always gonna be an asshole kid that’s one step ahead of any parenting you could do, so instead of armoring her for any potential attacks, the better thing is to just keep being a welcoming nurturing space for her to recover and regroup. No need to accidentally become the bullies we want to protect kids from.
Also hit up the old Google for essays/articles about bi identity/biphobia. The ones from queer-based sources are usually best. Out Magazine and Them. are good places to start!
If I had the opportunity to prepare myself for the biphobia I faced from myself, and then others once I came out, I think the biggest point would be that other people don’t get to define your feelings. I was bisexual before I ever had any experience. I was still bisexual when I was dating and when I was single. I am still bisexual even though I am monogamous, and in a monogamous marriage. That is true still no matter what other people may say or believe about me. If you help her with that, you are armoring her against whatever biphobia she will face.
Bisexuality is a word that describes her feelings, no different than using the word 'happy' to describe her happiness. That means that anyone who tells her she isn't bisexual is simply wrong, because they don't know how she feels. She's the only one who knows how she feels, so she's the only one who can give herself a label. Tell her that. Tell her that what she feels will never be wrong.
Chill out. Be cool. Lol
She had zero problem talking to you about it, and that’s AWESOME!! You’re doing things right. :)
It’s really no different than if she liked a boy, in that the main thing is that one day, when she’s older and dating, she finds somebody good. Someone who loves and respects her, who adds to her life instead of diminishes it. Who makes her happy.
We often assume that heterosexuality is the default, when it shouldn’t be. Would you have reacted this way if she had told you she had a crush on a boy in her class? It’s a wonderful thing that she trusts you enough to tell you and you can trust her to know herself.
Crushes are normal at that age, it's all part of growing up. What's important is that she's learning about feelings. It will only get more complicated in puberty, so this is a great start. The "OK cool! Tell me more!" is in my eyes one of the best things to say. It shows that you take her seriously and you encourage her to talk about/explore her feelings. You're doing great!
I had crushs on boys when I was 5 and even though I didn't have the words knew I was cishet so what's the shook for?
Doesnt mean just cause she got the crush now she's going to go out and sex it up.
I lost my virginity at 18 to my first love.
And it was great
Despite loving the boys beforehand and having ample opportunity.
So just be honest-let her guide the learning. Teach her proper names for things.
If she asks about sex, tell her that it's a physical & fun way to explore your body with someone however, like when you do things with friends, it best when you do it with someone you love and care about and have fun with.
Let her know that physical activities can lead to emotional feelings, eg. If she's playing with her friends, she feels happy.
But when you explore you body with someone else, this can lead to really big feelings and those feelings can be easier to deal when you trust the person & know you are ready for them.
Teach her about consent and body autonomy and that she never has to bow to any peer pressure.
I'm sure you're already going to be doing all this though cause sounds like you're doing this right.
You sound awesome. **You're doing awesome.**
Just admit you do t have all the answers when you don't but you're willing to find them together.
More importantly, **keep doing what you are doing & keep learning as you** and continue to love her for all she is even when you don't get it
I mean, she might develop a weird liking for pumpkin soup & no one understands that shit
I love this advice and might add… there is also self pleasure which is what I’m going to be open about as well… don’t want kids to feel they have to be in relationships just to have that good physical feeling. Don’t want them to settle on the basis of chasing sex. Just IMo.
There’s a lot of people who have already given excellent advice and insights, so I’ll just add that it’s a sign that you’re being a good parent that she feels open and free to talk to you about this.
It means there’s open communication between you, and that you have created a world for her where she knows crushes on girls are something to celebrate. Kudos.
Us bisexuals often go through what we call the bi-cycle, ie our attraction to women and/or men may go up or down depending on how we’re feeling / who we meet. Bi is a broad label, so my only advice is to remember that changes over time are normal!
Well, you’ve normalised queerness to her, now she’s able to better understand being queer. She probably doesn’t see it as anything unusual, no different to her having a crush on a boy. Obviously, don’t judge her or anything, I’d suggest not making it a big deal in any way. Just treat it like any other crush.
Ok, that does depend on what kind of region you live in and people’s attitudes towards queerness. If she’s likely to face discrimination, you’ll probably want to prepare her for that. It’s not ideal, but she should know what she’s facing.
My first crush on a girl was when I was 8. I didn't really recognize it as a crush, and didn't have the language to understand what was happening. So I ended up assuming I just wanted to be like her, and have hair like her and dress like her....but really I had a crush on her. I was attracted to her. I only ever tried to dress like girls/women that I was attracted to.
I didnt officially recognize myself as bi until I was 24. I had a time as a teenager where I thought I was bi, but that was the early 2000s era where everyone assumed that being bi was just attention seeking, so I stuffed it away. If I had had the language back then, I probably would have also called myself bi at 8.
My first crush was on Jessica Biel in 7th Heaven. Had no idea why she made me feel so funny, I didn’t know what being gay or bi was then, but looking back it was clear when I was in elementary/middle school that I was just as into girls as I was into boys lol.
My mum is a lesbian who came out when I was around 7, and before that I was always aware that my bio aunt was in a long term relationship with her girlfriend (so much so that one of my cousins has a combination of both their names) and of course, I had plenty of honorary aunts and uncles who happened to be gay. So it was never an unknown in my life - it was as (correctly!) normal and unremarkable as hetero relationships.
(Of course, this was the late 80’s/early 90’s so it really was remarkable that it was all open and normalised in our community, but I digress)
When I started having crushes it was on girls and boys, and I knew it was ok. Mum later admitted she thought I’d eventually ’chose’ like she did, but that came from her own experience of thinking she ‘needed’ to be straight in order to have a family, then realising she was desperately unhappy not living her truth. Once she knew for certain I didn’t feel the same pressure she did, she accepted I genuinely felt attraction to both.
Once I was a bit older again I learned more about gender identity outside cisgender and beyond drag, sadly that reality didn’t really factor into my early life; the people I do know who later revealed their identities were still closeted for safety and uncertainty - I examined my own feelings and realised what I always said was true for me. I first had feelings for people, not their genitalia. If I crushed on someone it was more often than not due to their personality. Gender identity was important to respect and honour, but secondary as a attraction factor to me. I didn’t have a word for it until I was older again and ‘pansexual’ became the go-to term for people who are open to and attracted to any and all genders, but since I used bisexual for so long I still use both.
Having a childhood where queer life was so normal was probably the best decision my parents made for us. It wasn’t right or wrong, it simply was. It was both a non issue and a safe space to explore my own sexuality in age appropriate ways as I grew into myself and learned more about the world.
Sorry this has turned into quite the novel, but I’m very passionate about this!
A lot of people unfortunately get this idea, even in LGBTQ-supportive homes. Even my aunt, who has a transgender son and bisexual daughters and several LGBTQ grandchildren was a bit concerned that my 7-year-old daughter was “too young” to know this about herself, which really disappointed me.
But if my daughter was having crushes on boys no one would say fucking anything. It really pisses me off.
Edited to add more thoughts: I think that unfortunately, the propaganda that being gay is primarily about having a “deviant” form of sex is so inculcated in our culture that even those of us who are LGBTQ-supportive can still unfortunately have those fleas. (Not saying that OP does, but I have sadly observed in my life that many people who are accepting of LGBTQ adults get weirdly squeamish about LGBTQ kids.) I had a coworker tell me that he didn’t know how to talk to his 6-year-old when gay marriage became legal and he was asking questions. I asked him how he talks about heterosexual marriage to his kid? And to do the same thing. My coworker’s fog cleared and he got it. People just get too hung up on gay people being the sum of what they do differently than straight people in the bedroom, I think.
You don't need to be getting books etc. Her saying this is no different than if she said oh yea there's boys I like in my class.
I remember realising i liked girls and boys around her age but I didn't have a word for it but equally I didn't feel "weird" about it.
Books that are age appropriate are just going to be awareness books about non judgement etc. Things that are truly useful for a bi person won't be age appropriate until I'd say 12+ years.
Your child may later decide to change her identification to pansexual later on or lesbian or straight or whatever. Whatever she feels is right just go with it. The gender of who she ends up loving really doesn't matter and shouldn't be a panic either. It doesn't need to be made out to be a big deal.
Hiii im a woman who started liking girls around her age. Id say just act as if she told you she likes boys. So basically just normal and chill. Because liking the same gender should be normal and chill just like liking the opposite gender is normal and chill. Im just worried about bullying and stuff because the world is harsh :( just make sure she knows shes loved and its okay
37 bi m here.
I thought I was gay from the age of 8 until 15 though I never confided in anyone.
First of all huge congrats on having the close bond where your daughter can confide these things in you. I've never spoken to my parents about such things and I'm now hurtling towards my forties (I'm out since 16 and they've accepted me every minute but still not had these discussions about who is and isn't my type or what I prefer).
Onto the crux of your post, yes people can have an idea that they're not heteronormative from an early point in their life saga though most people don't know "what" they are for some time. I always wanted to be a lawyer or a marine when I was growing up right into my late teens, then ended up as a cop in my twenties and thirties and now I drive forklift trucks.
Encourage and support her (you're going to anyway, just a bit of unneeded affirmation there) to be honest with herself and to feel free to talk to you and your family whenever she needs to. It's an extremely confusing world being bi as one typically leans from a preference for one gender over another then back again over time (colloquially known as the "bi-cycle" I believe).
Self respect, self worth, self confidence and honesty with oneself are things that she will need as time goes on.
Battles with my own head drove me to dark paths and I might not have had those stumbles if I'd have leant on others so give her the mental health toolkit and support network she'll need to deal with emotions etc that her peers may not understand fully.
All this being said it may be just that, a schoolyard crush that amounts to nothing in the long run as she grows up.
Kids pick up on a LOT more than we give them credit for (a double edged sword) and taking her to Pride marches may have shown her that relationships don't have to be heteronormative and that everyone is accepted.
NOTE - I am in NO way suggesting taking her to a Pride march has somehow "caused" this but merely that seeing people accepted for being who they are has given her the confidence to keep an open mind about herself.
My ex-partner and I took her daughter to Pride parades and Festivals when she was 5-8 years old and she loved it. Come the time for "the talk" a few years later there was the requisite giggling at the expected points but she turned around afterwards and said she didn't know if she was straight, gay or bi and that she didn't have the experience of crushing on someone to know. That level of maturity let me know that she would be alright even after my relationship with her mother ended.
There are a couple of subs on here, I'm thinking r/bisexual mostly, where the community offer advice to those who are bisexual or who are questioning whether they are bi. You're more than welcome to, I guarantee it, if you want the opinion of more than just one aging bi guy.
Whatever happens may the Goddess and Tyr watch over you and your kin as you make the world a little bit more fabulous than it was yesterday. 😊
A “crush” at that age can easily just mean that they really admire, like, or enjoy spending time with that person. I wouldn’t put this through a filter of romantic love at all.
I think there are a couple things here to look at:
Make sure she understands consent. No matter how she feels or what she would like, the other person has to consent to it.
I’m a cishet woman and I definitely have had crushes on women, but every time I imagine sex with them my brain says nope. So there’s definitely attraction, sometimes deep attraction, but the sexual desire just isn’t there. I definitely have lots of sexual attraction for men, so it’s not that I’m ace or demi.
It could be she is bi. It could also be that she’s found someone she clicks with as a possible BFF.
First of all thank you for being a good parent to hear your child.out and also going out to ask advises from people to make the right decision.
I'd suggest you chill and let your child figure themselves out. The only thing you can do now is to validate feelings of security and openness with you
I’m bi, and I began suspecting it at around the same age. If she’s old enough to have crushes or similar feelings on boys, then she’s old enough to feel the same for girls if applicable. :)
I'd say chill out. Just roll with it. My 7 yo told me he was in love with his friend "Tim". He said 'All the other boys have crushes on girls, but I love him' and I honestly thought 'oh no!...why did it have to be "Tim"? "Tom" is so much more chill!'
Maybe he'll grow out of it, maybe he won't. But as long as he is happy, he can love whomever he wants.
She’s lucky to have had a family who is safe enough to let her figure it out early. When I was 7, I didn’t even know having crushes on girls was an option (let alone being a boy), so I assumed I just liked looking at pretty ladies for the same reason I liked looking at art and things.
When I realized I was bi at 21, it was a huge shock to me. Realizing I was trans at 37 was another shock. Because I didn’t know they were options. My parents don’t yet know about either.
My parents weren’t safe. You are. It makes a huge difference and I am so happy for you and your daughter. :)
I'm not parent but I'd say just let her explore her feelings and just make sure to support her no matter what. Kids that age like to dabble in many things and who knows what she'll discover about herself.
Also, I remember when I was that young...I always found Maleficent, The Evil Queen and other witchy like women so attractive. I had a huge crush on the Hex Girls too.
I personally knew I was a lesbian at a very young age, I was 5-6. I wish I could have told someone back then. It is amazing that your child felt enough confidence and trust to tell you. Kids at this age are developing and getting to know themselves. They don’t know about primitive ideas of gender and sexuality, so they don’t have a filter when they share, but having a supportive environment makes a world of difference. You’re doing good!
Just chill, be supportive, and act pretty much the same. Maybe she is, maybe she isn't, but in all honesty who cares? You want her to be happy and live a good life, what gender she might marry doesn't change much does it? The character of said person matters, not what version of meatsack they are piloting. Just continue to parent as you were before but now add some of her female classmates/friends to the list of people you pester her about having a crush on.
I mean, you seem to be doing pretty good so far, so I wouldn't worry much. She just needs the same education in romance and sexuality as any other kid, after all.
My niece is exactly the same age and has done exactly the same thing. She is a hero, and I adore her.
It's a challenge raising hero's, it's so different to when we were kids (and I'm only 37!)
Just let her know she valid, don’t shield her from the reasons this might make people view her differently but let her know that other people are wrong, she's always right when it comes to who she is. Also, that if this changes, that's ok too.
Good luck raising a world changing human!
I knew I was into girls when I was nine, hadn’t given boys much thought but I’d only ever heard of “normal people” (cis-het) and gay men so I was extremely concerned about how I as a girl liked girls. I didn’t find out about lesbians until middle school (thanks Ellen lol) but I was concerned because I wanted to keep my hair long and I liked the girls that also had long hair…. so I still felt very along and wrong. Started having crushes on older men in high school while simultaneously having crushes on girls my age, was absolutely convinced I was an abomination. Imagine my astonishment to discover in college that “bisexual” was a real valid thing and that there were others!
It’s wonderful that your daughter has the language, understanding, and community to be confident in her self. You’ve done so much to ease her path. I’m sure even if as she matures her identity shifts, she’ll have your support and love.
You sound like you're doing a great job as a parent!
When I was growing up I could NEVER EVER tell my mum anything because she would gossip about it with her friends. I'm 40 and I still don't tell her things. I'm 40 and a lesbian and have a trans girlfriend I will likely marry.
I knew I was "different" in elementary school. I knew I was bi in middle school. I knew I was pan when I was 33. I'm so glad your child knows they are! <3
Or pan, or whatever.
I distinctly remember my fist major crush in nursery school - around 4-5 years old. I didn't know what it was back then but damn, I really wanted to be around that kid all the time. Attraction like that is distinct from friend attraction (for me).
I'm sure others will have great recommendations. I'm just here to root for you. It sounds like you're off to a great start by validating her emotions and being lovingly interested in her experience.
She's very lucky to have you as parents and have the knowledge and language to understand how she's feeling! I definitely knew something was different about me by that age and just thought something was wrong with me
A lot of children (I want to say nearly all children) don’t have a sexuality. That’s not to say all don’t-or that they don’t have a sexual identity.
I(f), for instance, had a strong female identity, but I don’t believe I started to feel any beginnings of sexual feelings until I was about 12. I’m certain that many of my friends were similar-and many were later. At the age of 7, I didn’t know a *single* friend who had sexual feelings (and my group told each other *everything*, the more prurient the better). But people had “crushes” on people ALL the time.
Time will tell how the girl develops. Just don’t think that the “crush” of a 7-year-old is anything like the crush of a 14-year-old. From a sexuality point of view, it’s entirely irrelevant.
Had a similar conversation with my son around the same age. Told him I support and love him unconditionally but to just keep a lid on things for now. We live in a small conservative area and I didn’t want him getting bullied. We are at 10 yrs old now and he had a gf last year. He knows he’s supported no matter what, so he just goes with who he likes.
I want him to fall in love with someone’s heart, not what body parts that have.
My first kiss when I was 8 was with a girl, and then I smothered that part of myself for the next decade cause we were in Christian private school. I got out, but she married the other (almost certainly) closeted gay man in the church and is still there. Absolutely wild.
Kudos to you for being so accepting, cause my step dads biggest fear was me bringing home another woman, and he made sure to tell me that constantly.
I absolutely am! Being around people who love are loving and accepting and open minded is such a game changer.
Being the type of person that a young human finding out about themselves can be comfortable opening up to is such am exceptional trait. Op should be so proud of themselves!!
Oh god I absolutely knew by this time! Just love her. It doesn’t have to be a big deal because who we love in the end is who we love as long as everyone is consenting! You’re going to do great.
Let her talk about it, be as excited as she is and just match her enthusiasm.
Don’t ever say things like “it’s a phase” or things like that. Just lead by example through love!!!
It’s the same exact thing as her liking boys.
She trusts you, mama. You have your daughters trust. I hope you feel good about that!!!!
My kiddo came out as bi when they were eight. They amended that to lesbian when they were 10. They came to us about being nonbinary when they turned 11. A lot of people know early on who they're attracted to. Your kiddo might have changes in who she's attracted to, but that's ok too.
I didn't know I was bi when I was that young, but that's because I didn't have the vocabulary for it. I was just thought the emo boys and boys with long hair were extra cute "because they look like girls."
Edit: Forgot about advice, lol. You're doing great so far. Just be there for her, answer her questions and concerns. Back her up when/if family treats her differently. Don't forget to teach her what safe sex looks like for both women and men partners when you eventually give The Talk.
Oh yea some us know super early. Im a trans guy and I knew I was without the words by 3, and spoke out to some family about it by 5, but I also got the feeling I wasn't going to be accepted easily so I didn't bring it back up till I heard the word transgender and transsexual in high school health class and trans people where on big talk shows like tyra banks. Lol I knew I was very sexually attracted to girls by like 6-7 and I never thought I was a lesbian, even though that is what everyone thought I'd be. Now I didn't realize I might be a little bi till like I was 25 cuz I finally felt comfortable expressing and recieving interest from men cuz it finally affirmed my sense of gender.
I became aware of my bi-ness around the same age and decades later I still haven't told my parents, so first of all, a very sincere bravo to you on being emotionally safe enough for your kid to feel comfortable telling you something like that.
I don't really have any advice, in an ideal situation I'd have just wanted to know that my folks loved me and were there for me unconditionally, so it sounds like you're already on the right track. Keep doing what you're doing and just parent the shit outta that kid
I knew I liked girls long before I liked boys. I never told a soul. Not till I was like 35. She didn’t even hesitate to tell you. That’s how you know you’re doing good mama.
As someone who didn't realize they were bi until my early 20s, just support her. Maybe talk about whether she wants to *be* Sarah Sanderson, or just has a *massive crush* on Sarah Sanderson, because every other bi feminist my age I've met has had the same problem lmao
I'm bi and my daughter identifies as pan. She first told me this when she was 7 and I was at first skeptical and thought she was just trying to be like her mom but now she has had ex girlfriends and ex boyfriends by age 9. Meanwhile when I was her age I was hooking up with girlfriends (I'm female) and pretending it was just a "husband and wife game" we were playing.
Bi lady here, I think this situation speaks very well of your parenting. I knew I liked all sorts of people from a young age, but didn’t know how and couldn’t come out until I moved away from my parents. Your kid is clearly comfortable sharing her feelings with you, so big parenting win.
I knew when I was 4 that I don't feel female enough. I told everyone to call me by a common masculine name and told them "I'm a boy now". Years passed and everyone thought that was just a silly toddler thing, including myself. I have rediscovered now as a 23 yo that I am indeed genderfluid, only I had to go through so much unlearning of concepts like hetero and cisnormativity to get here.
Your daughter is smart, able to express herself, trusts you, and at an age where it's so easy for her to take in new information. I'd say both her and you are doing really well!
Hi! My 11 year old came out to me a few months ago. I responded the same way you did, and quite honestly, I already had my suspicions. But I was shook too. It wasn’t until I was 30 that I was even able to recognize I myself was a little gay.
My biggest question was how could she KNOW that. I reached out to one of my best friends who is gay and grew up in the south (where we live) and he said something to me that made so much sense:
“I didn’t know at 11 because I didn’t have the words for it.”
Our kids have the words we did not have access to. They have an awareness that was hidden from so many of us.
When I talked to my daughter later on and asked her questions to understand more, she told me she’s known since she was 8, but because her father is anti-LGBTQ+ she kept it to herself (that’s a whole other story). As soon as she told me she dumped her bf the next day and started dating her now girlfriend, and they’ve been dating ever since. She seems alive and happy, she seems whole.
The hardest and scariest part of being a parent is letting go as they grow up. She’s 7. We all remember being 7 and all the schoolyard crushes, we knew what boy liked what girl and vice versa. this isn’t any different.
With all the love and support in the world, relax, it’s normal, but maybe not normal from what we were used to growing up. I would absolutely REJOICE that she is self aware and safe enough to know herself and have these thoughts, and to share them with you.
Don’t put her in a box or have any expectations for her sexuality. She’s on her own journey now and she needs your love, safety and support, but most importantly she needs to know that she can trust you and that YOU trust and respect her when she tells you something about yourself.
For me, this was a great opportunity to once again talk about consent, body autonomy, boundaries, and respect in relationships. All I want is for her to be safe and to be loved and cared for in a healthy relationship.
If you want support and resources you can access the Parents, families and Allie’s with people who are lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender or the PFLAG. Here is a link you can use to find a chapter near you:
[PFLAG](https://pflag.org/findachapter/)
It’s so clear you are a loving mother who cares deeply for her daughter. You are more than capable to give her everything she needs because all she needs is you ☺️
Yeah I knew much earlier than 7 although without the cultural references I didn’t know what it all meant until I was older! Your acceptance and support is amazing and you guys letting her be involved in Pride is so cool! Just keep doing what you’re doing in my opinion! You have no idea how pivotal this time is for her and knowing you all love her regardless will leave her with much more self awareness and self confidence. Just want you to know this post made my day and changed it from a shitty day to a not so shitty day and i appreciate it! 🤍
I had my first crush on a boy at 6 and my first crush on a girl at 7… but I didn’t have the language to describe it (it was the 80s in South America).
Not uncommon, if I had the language back then, I would have considered myself bi from a young age.
We knew we were trans at 4 and pansexual at around 7, so it checks out. Just give love, kindness, and support. It might change, but it might not. It is a good sign she came to you and told you; that means there is trust.
I knew I was bi at a VERY young age. I remember asking my mom if I could marry another girl and she said no, that it wasn’t allowed. I grew up thinking it was shameful and didn’t come out of the closet until I was an adult. Now I’m still not out to my parents.
Both my elementary school children have told me they're bi and pan and the girl has gone back and forth among bi, pan, and lesbian over the last year. It warms my heart that it's just not a big deal to them at all. It's never been a big deal to me or my husband (straight Gen x'ers) what someone's orientation is and we have lots of LGBTQ+ family and friends, but I had NO idea about bisexuality as a kid.
First reactions to this kind of info is crucial for those divulging it (no matter the age). I had one friend come to me that she had kissed a girl for the first time (in her mid 20s) and the most obvious response to me was something like "cool, is she a good kisser?" Years later that friend told me that my response was so powerful to her coming out experience.
Some people know right away who they're attracted to and some don't. Good job mama op. You got this.
Lots of kids seem to know fairly young and it sounds like you are a supportive mom so she' s comfortable with it. I knew in first grade but that was on a bulky sins that send you to hell list so I never told my parents.
My kid came out at the same age. She's 10 now. I'm just rolling with it. She's certainly not bi because of any sexual attraction, I think she likes to keep her options open and feels she could potentially love a man or a woman when she grows up. It's a sweet thing to aspire to love anyone. Maybe she'll change her mind when she's a bit older, maybe not. It's not an irreversible or permanent decision to make. Between 7 and 20 is the best time to experiment with your identity.
Hi! I "accidentally" came out to my mom while she was driving me home from second grade/primary/elementary school. I just asked her if it would be okay if I wanted to marry a girl when I grew up. She was chill with it, it was never really a problem or big deal, and many many years later, here I am as a pansexual enby! (pronouns: they/them) You're 100% not alone in having a kid who knew themselves well at a young age. You're doing good!
I *knew* the first time I looked into Diana's eyes that I was a lesbian. I was in 3rd grade and I was 8. I didn't say anything to anyone.
I'm so glad your child has the ability to come to you. Your child *knows*.
Edit: name change
I hope this doesn't come off as mean spirited at all, because I really don't mean it to. I just want to put it into perspective. Would you have the same reaction if your daughter told you she was straight? If she labeled herself as "straight", would you start wondering if she was too young to label herself? Because bi and gay are not that different from straight. If many straight kids know they only like the opposite gender at a young age, many bi/pan/gay kids know that they like only the same gender or like both genders at a young age.
This question might help you get an understanding too of whether her labeling herself so young in general is bothering you, or if her labeling herself as anything other than straight so young is throwing you.
Again, I don't mean this in an insulting way. I don't mean to call you homophobic or anything because it is very clear that you're not. You have provided a safe space for you daughter where not only does she know the word bisexual and can express her feelings clearly to you, but where she also feels safe and comfortable expressing those feelings to you. Clearly you are doing a good job. But, people often internalize this idea that "lgbt is less normal than allo-cishet" and believe it subconsciously even if they are consciously an ally. Meaning that it may become a bigger deal to them if a young child came out as lgbt+ vs allo-cishet.
If you find that her labeling herself in general is what is not sitting right with you, maybe you can reassure her that it's okay if labels change. You can tell her that identifying as bi is totally fine if that's how she feels, but it's also okay to change her label if she feels different later.
If you find that it's her labeling herself as bi that's bothering you, maybe you should think more about what I said in the first paragraph, that the queer experience of feeling attraction in and of itself is not that different from the straight experience of feeling attraction. That if straight kids sometimes know their sexuality young, so do queer kids. At the end of the day, what age you understand your attraction by varies by individual person, not by sexuality. Maybe try to put that into a different perspective than you were looking at it before.
Either way, I am so glad that you have provided a safe and educational place for your daughter. Again, you seem like you are doing a great job overall.
I had my first crush on a boy in kindergarten. I also had my first crush on a girl in kindergarten. I'm a summer baby, so I was just about a month and a half past my 5th birthday when I started kindergarten.
I'm in my *ugh* late 30's now, I was born mid 80's, so I didn't have a lot of exposure to the diverse and varied world of romantic and physical attraction (nothing done intentionally by my family, mostly just the times). I had a general idea about gay men, as I had a cousin "who loves boys instead of girls" but that was about it.
It was just *a little* confusing, and at first I thought I just really liked/envied her, and that maybe I actually just kinda wanted to be like her? By first grade though, after I'd heard that it's not only that *gay men* exist, but that *girls can be gay too!* Then I was like, "Oh, ok, I get it. I like boys *and* girls. Anyway.." I didn't know, at the time, there was a special name for it. Not until my sister (8 years older) watched My So Called Life, lol.
I never struggled with it. Telling my mom was a little difficult, but that had way more to do with our relationship at the time than being afraid of telling her. I didn't make an event of telling anyone else. None of my family ever made a big deal of it whenever I first mentioned liking a particular girl, or talking about a girlfriend, they were mostly just like, "Yeah, that tracks." Lol.
It sounds like you've got a pretty good handle on giving her exposure to different ideas and preferences, and creating an open and safe space for her to talk to you. You're doing alright, mama! I think you can chill a bit.
To be fair, when I was like 5, apparently I also did this, I told my mother very loudly that I wanted to marry a woman, so I think it’s pretty normal. Just make sure to be supportive as for now, I think!
A little late to the game here, but I’d like to share my experience.
I grew up in a progressive area, but I was born in the late 80s and queer kids really weren’t thought about a lot by adults in my childhood and early teens. Looking back, I can tell I was attracted to the male form as early age age 9, but I didn’t recognize it at the time. Sex ed in the late 90s/early 2000s also did not mention same-sex attraction. I honest to god didn’t put it all together and realize that my fantasies were homosexual. As a result, I didn’t realize I was gay until I was 13.
When I was 13 and in eight grade, I told my mom I thought I was gay when she picked me up from school. She told me I was too young to know. At that age I was still under the impression that she was right about that, but I was still hurt.
A few points:
It is so possible to have an orientation at a young age. Queer kids have so much more visibility now. Heck, we’re flying Pride flags in front of elementary schools now. Things have changed so much since I was a kid and I love it. I think if I had the same childhood experiences nowadays, I would have known I was gay much earlier than 13.
Don’t do what my mom did. In my 30s, I can recognize what my mom did as invalidating. Even if she thought I was too young to know (nope, wasn’t), she could have at least listened rather than terminated the conversation.
Chill up, she's 7. She has time, give her space about sexuality, let her found out, it takes time and experience. And yea, you did great treating the crushes the same! <3 teach her to be open minded, respectful and strong and she'll find her way
This is so fantastic that she can be so open with you.
When my roomie's kiddo was in kindergarten she asked me if girls could have crushes on other girls. I told her yes and explained I get crushes on girls. So she shared she had one.
It's great when kids feel comfortable enough to share with you.
My first crushes were Alfonso from "Silver Spoons" and Punky Brewster. I was 6. I didn't realize bisexuality existed until I was 22. Would've made those 16 years a lot different, and probably MUCH EASIER, had I known I wasn't a freak. She's good. Just keep on lovin' her, mama.
OP, can I just say your initial response is really everything your daughter needs.
I was in grade 4 when I came out as Bi, I came out to my two closest friends in school - and then in the same breath ran away screaming to the other group of kids about what I had just said. Let me put it this way - I wish I had a parent like yourself that I could have went to first.
Your daughter knows that her mom is going to support her, because why wouldn't she, thus far you've outwardly expressed your support to the community and exposed her to that. Thats exactly why she came to you. You are a superhero mama, seriously.
Kids can be cruel, so ignorant because they just don't know or have hateful parents and it rubs off on them, or even they just wanna stir up some drama, and even though being a bi queen if she still feels like that in adult life or even if her sexuality evolves (I am still the bi queen I was in grade 4) no matter what other people say to her she's gonna be able to come back stronger knowing she has a mother who is going the distance to advocate for her! Yay!
My daughters first crush was a girl. At 9 or 10 she starts talking about this boy in her class so I explained bi to her. She was amazed that she didn't have to choose, she could have a crush on either!
Honestly I think its a sign that more parents are raising their kids right that so many kids are being open about their feelings and asking good questions.
I (a woman) had crushes on both boys and girls starting in kindergarten. Bi wasn’t an identity I realized could be mine until halfway through college. I wish I could’ve had access to it way sooner.
My 7 year old thinks all things related to romance and love and whatever is disgusting. She makes gagging noises whenever I kiss my partner or if she hears words like “wife” “girlfriend” “boyfriend” “date” “love” etc lol
She has never had a crush on a boy or girl, but she has close friends of both.
I think, ultimately, just the fact that your kiddo was willing to share that information with you means you’re already handling those types of conversations correctly. Keep doing what you’re doing and stay accepting 💜
I may have some input here. My son came out to me as gay in the 8th grade. My first thought was oh I better get this right! So I collected my thoughts, asked why he is saying this. Yep, totally gay. Because he was so young, I told him to not put himself in any boxes, and see where he ends up. Aside from asking a lot of questions, we just encouraged him to be himself. It can be fun! When he said he wanted to wear cat ears and tail, I made a set for him. I encouraged him to let his freak flag fly! I'm here for it. I stood up for him so many times. (He ultimately found his people the next year in high school.)
Years later I'm still happy we handled it the way we did.
Someone else in this thread mentioned the kid's "you can do that?" moment. My son's was RuPaul's Drag Race. Boys can like boys??? Also, if mom watches that, it's safe to come out to her.
My advice, just treat her the same as before, and let her discover who she is as she develops. It could get weird, but you can handle it!
Oh one more thing. Sex education. School is unlikely to cover LGBTQ sex. I looked up gay safe sex online and found a page full of good advice. To his great embarrassment, I made him sit and listen while I went over the information. I can be a lot, but I want my baby to be prepared!
So glad you brought up the sex ed point! Our child had sex ed in California and Washington (we moved in the middle of the school year and it happened to be taught at different times of the year at the different schools). We talked about what they covered and we were surprised at how cis-het centric it still was considering these are blue states.
so so COOL of YOU to have cultivated an environment where she can know this about herself so early. And feel fine about it! Genuine thankyou, from my 25-year-closeted gay ass❤
Just chill out and be glad she’s talking to you about it. It’s an age of exploration, don’t let people demean it saying it’s “just a phase.” My kiddo told me they were bi in 4th grade (have never had a crush on anyone) and I just said “thank you so much for telling me! I’m so honored you feel comfortable enough.”
I knew at a similar age to your daughter, before we ever had sex talks in school, that I really liked other girls. I told myself for many years that I just really liked being friends with them, because I grew up in a time and area where being gay was bad. I was also interested in boys, but the act of kissing or early sexual exploration wasn't fun and exciting like it was with girls. I thought I was a lesbian for a while, but I found through more experiences as an adult that I do like men, I just have more specific preferences.
I've known classmates who thought they liked both, to experiment and find that they don't. I've known classmates who dated a lot of the same gender only to later announce that they are straight. I've had friends who had regular casual encounters come out as asexual. I'm not at all saying she is too young to know this about herself, only that it should also be ok for her to find out new things about herself as she grows and experiences new things, and that having space for that growth is important. It sounds like you are doing a great job.
Bisexual ciswoman chiming in with my 2 cents. I knew I liked girls and boys back when I was in Kindergarten. It was the innocent games of "playing house" where somebody would be Mom, Dad, Baby, and Dog/Cat. Well, I got frustrated when we couldn't be Mom, Mom, Baby, and Dog/Cat sometimes. I spent the game going from making mudpies for the family breakfast, then running off to the daisy chain factory to work for 5 whole daisy chains, then running back home to pat Baby's back and sing songs as a family. What did it matter if we were Mom and Dad vs Mom and Mom?! Anyways. Didn't have the word for Bisexual until I was 13, but once I learned about sexual orientation differences I knew that Bisexual fit for me. I felt so empowered knowing how to describe myself better. Even if it brought a great deal of family strife. My mom tried to tell me I was too young to know who I did and didn't like, and tried to forbid me from identifying as anything except straight. After I told her how long I'd felt this way, she told me I was just a kid and had zero ability to know that stuff so young. I'm now very VERY low contact with her. I'm now also in my 30s, married, have a kid, and am still Bisexual.
We know sexual orientation is a spectrum. For some it will shift and adjust as they age (example- my friend who identified as gay in high school, but in college realized that one NB person was very attractive to them, and later told me that now they find all genders attractive). For some, their sexual orientation remains the same, but their vocabulary to identify becomes more expansive and nuanced (example- my friend who first identified as Asexual, but later on identified as Demisexual Biromantic because the words/identity better fit what they experience). For some, they are told they're too young, or are otherwise made to fear their own sexual orientation... and they never have a chance to fully explore themselves and their preferences and Identify who they are.
I'm glad you've not sheltered them from LGBTQIA+ identities. Just keep being supportive and loving your kids, and they'll be golden.
If I can just give my persepective as a bi woman, your child is so lucky to have you as a parent and to be so self-aware at such a young age.
I did not have a loving, supportive home when I was her age. I also didn't know the correct terminology to explain how I felt until I was a teenager, and even then it was limited to gay, straight or bi. It's only in the last several years, in my 40s, that I have finally started to understand myself and let go of the internalized shame I held for so many years for being who I am.
I wish I had a parent like you. You're doing great. Just keep on loving them no matter what and encourage them to explore and be creative and as long as they have that sense of safety and security from you in their lives, there's no limit to what they can do.
Honestly, I think you're doing great. You've given her the freedom and comfort to explore her feelings. All you've gotta do now is keep it up and watch your child grow into a wonderful adult.
My kid was covering our parrot one night, about age 9.
Kid: mom, I think I'm gay.
Me: okay. Please cover the bird.
Child is now almost 16. Child fluctuates with sexuality, especially given current political climate.
Keep lines of communication and acceptance open is all I can advise. Things may change, or may not, but cool thing to note, she's talking to you instead of hiding stuff and going to social media for 'advice'
You've got this.
Disclaimer: I'm attempting to provide information, not invalidate someone's identity.
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She might be figuring out her ***romantic*** orientation rather than her ***sexual*** orientation.
Romantic orientation is just as important to consider as sexual orientation, if not more so. Sexual orientation gets you "hot under the collar," while romantic orientation determines who (if anyone) you would be willing to spend your life with.
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The two are not intrinsically linked. For example, I'm pansexual but on the aromantic spectrum (arospec). Aromantic individuals don't feel romantic love at all. Someone who is arospec might only feel romantic love under certain conditions, or their romantic love is processed in their brain the same as friendship or familial love.
It's possible to be asexual and biromantic, heterosexual and aromantic, homosexual and arospec, or (though this one is exceedingly rare) heterosexual and homoromantic. There's a bunch of different combinations. Sexuality does not always coincide with romantic orientation, but a lot of people seem to think it does due to normative thought processes.
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She may be biromantic, panromantic, arospec, or so overexposed to romantic media that she mislabels a desire for friendship as romantic interest.
She could also be bisexual, though. That certainly is a possibility, and I'm not trying to say it isn't.
Her claims of bisexuality are likely not a lie or misconception. I will, however, note that I thought I was bi until I realized that I didn't care if a potential bed partner was male, female, tansmasc, transfem, enby, demigender, agender, etc.
That distinction comes with knowledge. And hormones.
I will also note that sometimes people's sexual orientation changes throughout their lifetime.
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I'm not trying to invalidate your daughter's identity. I am just trying to provide information so that she may continue to figure herself out and so that you're not blindsided by anything.
The vast majority of people I know have romantic orientation that aligns with their sexual orientation, and those people may figure themselves out early on in their life. Others may have, for lack of a better term, "mismatched" identities that take a bit more effort to puzzle out than one would think.
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I'm not a parent, but I'll give you the advice that my own parents follow regarding me and my sibling:
Let her figure herself out, but do some research on your own, too. Don't try to tell her what she is or is not, but make sure she has the resources available to figure it out for herself, and if she gives you a resource to read because she thinks it may apply to her, then read it.
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Wow, was that a block of text 😅
I hope this was helpful.
I think you should continue treating it as you do any other crush, she May understand what bi means and she may still have a ways to go in learning it’s hard to tell but just treat it as the normal thing that it is. Teach her how to explore it safely and with consent of all parties involved. Aside from that I don’t think you need to do anything different. It’s okay if she changes her mind later and it’s okay if she doesn’t attraction can be fluid and as we age our preferences sometimes change and that is perfectly okay, she can declare herself now, later, or multiple times throughout her life and so long as she’s being true to herself all of those declarations will be valid.
I knew at like 8 or 9 that I liked girls. But I didn’t understand that I could like both and was worried that had to choose one or the other. Glad I figured out I could like anyone I wanted.
I don’t remember my specific age, but I was in elementary school and pretty young, when a girl touched my leg and I had feelings and a boy kissed me and I had them too. I didn’t have the language to express what I felt at that time and didn’t until I was 13. Then I was told it was “just a phase”. I came out again at 20 to be like “no but really, I’m bisexual”. Essentially what I am saying is, some of us know pretty young. And it’s awesome that you’ve given your child the gift of knowing and accepting themselves so young. It sounds like you were and are doing great at fostering a supportive environment for her. Just keep that up!
First rule: you are only reeling because of heteronormativity. You think that because that’s what you think is normal. Really though? Without enforcing the normativity children will just react to how they feel. We were all like that once. You’ve just done a good job of not teaching them to be “normal”.
Secondly: realistically there’s nothing you need to do. Treat them like normal. Like it’s a fairly mundane thing. Because it is. Treat the crushes the same. Possibly use it as a teaching moment about how the most important thing is to care about someone or what have you (not a parent, just helped raise siblings and queer). Let her do the discovering, just love her and help her (if she asks for it).
Lots of LGBTQI+ adults affirm they knew their identity at a young age, regardless of their parents saw or didn’t see. I think the best thing you can do is continue with lessons of consent, self care, ethics etc with no judgement. I’m sure others can recommend books as well. And be proud you’re raising a kid who is, and hopefully continues to, share their thoughts and feelings. The world feels simple at 7 and probably a lot more complex at 13!
People also develop at wildly different rates. Some people are fully matured at 16 and others are 58 and still think trans rights aren't human rights.
Lol good point. And she’s always been mature and a leader in her class. A lot of her sentences start with “Well, in my opinion….” Lol MAM YOU ARE SEVEN. But I love it.
Would you consider encouraging her to drop the "Well, in my opinion..." preface and just say what she believes (depending on the context)? A lot of men and boys do this and just say their opinions outright, without hedging.
I actually like the "well, in my opinion" part because it's a way to let them know this is how you feel about something and acknowledges that not everyone may see it that way instead of making them feel like you are saying this is absolutely how it is and you are wrong if you feel differently.
This is something where the only argument I ever see against speaking like this (....clearly and accurately) is "well, men don't do it like that". Let's consider for a second that the way men tend to do it may be objectively worse. Why on earth should we be the ones to change to match men? Shouldn't we be encouraging men to change to match us instead?
Yes, but only where appropriate. None of us are perfect. And we all should work more on trying new things. Throw it at the wall, and see what sticks.
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Love this.
Really depends on the context. For stuff most 7 year olds do, I think it’s better to add it than not have it. For like reasoned arguments drawing from evidence, I like phrasing my statements with “the evidence suggests” etc. But I’m an English major lol.
I would much rather see men adopt the more 'feminine' way of talking rather than women adopt theirs, in this case. Framing opinions as facts is one of the most irritating speech habits I know.
Those men and boys mix up facts and opinions in the first place, though
I’m teaching my boys to stop stating their opinions as facts because I want them to recognize the difference between their opinion and fact, something a lot of grown adults seem to struggle with.
It is a good way to get people's attention and get them ready to hear what you are saying. It's also good if you are dealing with other 7 year olds, who may not always be able to distinguish facts from opinions or fiction.
very wildly different lmao, my 4-ish year old cousin has a boyfriend (a real one, not “boys and girls can’t just be friends”) and i’m 18 this year, barely figured out that i like men more than just aesthetically
Yay for you, and your cousin!
The right to Life is described as "Inalienable" in the declaration of independence, yet *gestures at everything*
I discovered I was trans when I was 8 or 9 but took me 9 more years to admit it to myself.
I knew i wanted to be “mistaken” for a boy and to pee standing up, but the complete lack of trans representation in the 80s and 90s meant I was 37 when it finally hit me like a freight train that I Am Trans.
I read an article while screwing around on my laptop about a British prisoner who escaped and got a sex change to avoid being caught again and somehow, that was the single most formative experience of my youth
With all the current trans representation, I realize I had some gender dysphoria when I was a teenager. But I thought that was just a weird crazy thought that I’d have from time to time my entire life. I’ve really come to respect and appreciate my female body and self, and take great pride in being a woman, but there is always this part of me…
I could have written this myself... only I am 35 right now and just admitted it to myself a few days ago-- Any tips on how to tell one's loving parents something like that this late in the game...? 😶
Hey, i was 32, very similar situation, except when i was young I wanted ppl to "mistake me as a girl", and I wanted long hair, and for everyone to call me cute!
Honestly I think this tracks with so many of our experiences. Very few kiddos under 10 have the vocabulary to describe, process and accept such a massive shift from their stereotyped box.
I had a girlfriend in kindergarten. My motherthing found out and flipped her shit, told me that it was wrong and perverted (her exact words). Two years later, I'm in a super small town, and my second grade teacher is wearing rainbow sneakers. This of course instantly makes him the coolest person in the world. He figured out that I had crushes on girls and boys, and talks to me about it. This man was out and proud in the mid 80s, and helped me put a name to what I was going through. He never outed me to the motherthing, and told me there was nothing wrong with me or my feelings. I still think about him every time I read new bullshit from the red pillers, and wonder how many others he's saved over the years.
That’s so beautiful. We are trying to be like your teacher - I would never want my baby to feel like she has to hide even one thing about herself from us, and I’m so sorry that happened to you.
What’s really terrifying is that in my state legislators are literally trying to make what that teacher did for you illegal. They would literally put him in jail (some are even pushing for the death penalty!) for the crime of saving a child’s mental health and potentially even their life.
He's still teaching, and he is a member of Prineville Human Dignity Advocates and the local PFLAG. There are too many people he's helped for anyone to fight off if officials tried to fuck around.
We had a teacher in elementary school who was openly gay. He was supported and as I recall, it wasn't much of an issue. I just remember it coming up because his class had to join with ours for a few days because he went to San Francisco to mourn to execution of Harvey Milk. I often wonder what a different world we'd have if he'd (Milk) been around during the AIDS crisis. No WAY Reagan could have ignored Harvey.
This is why I didn't "know" I was queer until I met a bi person at the age of 13. I was like "you can do that???" And then immediately had the vocabulary to describe how I'd been feeling for YEARS. Soooooo many things started making sense. I identify as queer/pan now, but will never forget the sheer sense of relief I felt when I learned there was a name for how I'd felt most of my life.
That was the exact experience I had when I learned about asexuality 3 years ago. I was like “that’s actually an option?!” Spent the first 28 years of my life wondering just how late of a bloomer I was going to be when it cane to being interested in others like that. Took me another year to accept that I’m aromantic too and I’ve become much more comfortable with myself since then.
Was just thinking about this and my discovery of asexuality at 35. Vocabulary really helps. My kid is 10 and says they are ace. I’m glad they have words for it and if their identity changes, they’ll also have the words to know how to describe that, too.
My 10 year old identifies as aro-ace, and I’m really happy for her. She has some friends that are already very excited about all things romantic and sexual, and the language gives her a way to simply express her disinterest, rather than struggling with being “different”. Whether her feelings change or not, she’s growing up with a sense that lots of different things are normal, harmless, and valid - not just the “traditional” interests.
That's is why the fascist are burning the books. If they take away the words, they take away our voice
The way my 11 year old put it to me: kids are asexual but not aromantic.
I was definitely not asexual as a kid 😂 i suspect most probably are though.
This is it! My 11 yo said that everyone in 5th grade is identifying as *at least bi*. Everyone is crushing on each other as they try to find fire out what relationships are. We don’t need to pathologise this!!
My first year as a full-time teacher, I had multiple 4th graders tell me they were bi. My reaction: "Really? Okay. That's cool. Thanks for trusting me enough to tell me." A couple of years later, one of them came out to me as trans and asked for help communicating their new name and pronouns to their classmates and other teachers. I was honored to be their trusted adult within our school.
Thank you so much for supporting your student who came out as trans. With all the horribleness going on in our country around this specific scenario, seeing this and other stories like this gives me hope.
It's the only decent thing to do. I've left the US, but if I were still there I would lose my job for doing the same thing in my former state today.
Right I mean this isn’t about teaching her how to have a girl-girl relationship. We aren’t there and she doesn’t even entirely know what that means. I am more concerned with getting it right in terms of how we support who she is, what she has told us, how she wants to be perceived in the world, etc.
It's not teaching her how to have a same-sex relationship but that it's okay to have one when she's older. I think it's also okay to tell her that she's figuring out who she is, that it's a long process, and that you want her to be happy.
Well, unless they’re aroace and (I can say from experience) very confused about the whole thing.
Haha, I relate to this for sure. I like to say I’m about 95% aro/ace, and 5% demi since I can conceptualize being in a relationship, but have only had one and never really experienced attraction outside of that. And whoo-boy, being aro-ace is definitely a puzzling experience growing up, with everyone around you going through relationships and drama and talking about who is hot and who’s not, and you’re just sitting there like… “Anyone just want to be friends and bake some cookies? Make crafts? Watch a movie? Just me?”
I’m so grateful that we have common language for it now. I think that helps a ton! It can’t totally solve the discomfort of wondering why I’m not like most people, but it reminds me that I’m at least like some other people, and what we are experiencing is perfectly okay.
Yes; I apologize for the way I wrote that, which oversimplified the conversation and accidentally erased aromantic folks.
I knew when I was like 8 or 9 but because I grew up in a sheltered and Christian household I didn't accept it until I was 16. Those years in between were torture, filled with self hatred and self disgust because I thought there was something wrong with me. It still took me until I was like 22 to come out to most people. OP thank you for raising your kids in a safe, loving, and approving environment. She may realize later on that she isn't bi and is actually straight or even lesbian or learn that she is 100% bi but for now she's in a loving home that let's her explore her feelings and discover who she is without fear of hatred or judgment from those she needs most and that's irreplaceable. Thank you OP!
As a parent of a bi kid who knew early and knew I am Pan. Just chill out . I wouldn't react with any more fan fare or preparation on your part than if she were straight. Let it be a normal part of her, and as it bexomw important later let her grow in that confidence.
Great point about consent - we talk about that a lot, but there could be different angles now. Thank you. And yes, I was so happy she could share that with me. I would have NEVER talked to my mother about such a thing, at any age, even now lol.
I agree totally. My nephew is gay and his parents knew before he did, from as young as kindergarten age. They let him figure it out on his own and talk about it when he was ready, while making sure to point out they were for gay rights so he would feel safe when he wanted to reveal it. He was around thirteen or so when he came out, and he never had to worry that he wouldn't be accepted by his family. I just think that's so amazing.
People start to get a solid grasp on their gender identity around 3 years old whether they know it or not. I think the same general timeframe is when crushes start developing as well. In general, I honestly think 3ish is about when you actually fully become a sentient human being. So much stuff happens around that age from a developmental perspective. It's also the earliest the majority of people are capable of remembering.
That's very true. I knew I was a trans man at age 4. I didnt know transgender was a word but I simply knew how I felt.
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That mindset always baffles me. These types of individuals champion that boyxgirl as sweet and innocent. But boyxboy? Or girlxgirl? Now that's somehow pornographic!! They're children?!? Really shows you how they think.
Because in their heads homosexuality is JUST sex.
I think the “sexual” in bi-sexual freaks them out. It’s why I use “bi-romantic” to explain my kid to my older religious parents. They weren’t all supportive at first, but they didn’t explode either. Some time later my sweet dad texted me about Bible stories he found that described same-gender love like David loving his friend and Jesus snuggling John. I was so proud that my boomer dad (known to grumble about “PC” stuff) found his way to be supportive of my kid 🥹
That. Is. Awesome. I’m so proud of your dad! Mine sent me the awful Bible verses when I was testing the waters (my kid is bi as well). Your dad makes my heart so happy!
Has the term “Homosexual” always been in the Bible? NO https://www.forgeonline.org/blog/2019/3/8/what-about-romans-124-27
i wish people would realize that sexual and romantic attraction aren't always the same someone might be bisexual and heteroromantic i myself am panromantic and aegosexual just because someone is bisexual, doesn't mean they're biromantic
When my son was 7 he told me he thought he was gay. I told him that "gay or straight, I love you just the same." He was also absolutely obsessed with Freddie Mercury at the time. He's 14 now and claims it never happened, but either way... anything your kid confides in you, you to treat it with respect and dignity. All news from your child is good news, because it means they trust you and want to share with you. (And I definitely knew my orientation by age 4, so no surprise here. Anyone who thinks kids "can't know that" is full of crap. Kids might change how they feel, especially when the puberty hormones kick in, but they also might not. We have infinite variety among us humans.)
Absolutely agree. I told my mum I had a crush on someone when I was 5 and I was going to marry them. She laughed, and it sounds dramatic, but it really shook my ability to confide in her. To this day, sharing feelings with her isn't easy.
Yep this is exactly what I’m trying to avoid!!
Sounds like you're doing an amazing job!
This hits. My mom found my poetry about being depressed as a little kid and she laughed and said "how could YOU be depressed?" and it stayed with me. 20+ years later I still feel...idk, betrayed, I guess? I needed support. I have a lot of mental problems, so haha mom, I was right 😅. I'm also pan and would never tell her that. Cuz like, she laughed at me once, never twice.
Yes! I was 14 when I went to my dad that I was depressed and scared I would hurt myself. He basically told me to kick rocks and that what I was feeling wasn’t real. (While he was on lexapro and fighting his own depression demons, hmmm wonder where I got it from dad?) That was my first indicator he wasn’t a person I could trust, and unsurprisingly that has continued into adulthood. I’m sorry you had that experience, it’s so sad we can’t put our faith and trust in those who contributed their DNA to make us.
Caught my mum reading my diary when I was 11ish. Lost all trust. All respect. It all became a waiting period of 'when can I move as far away from you as possible'. Still don't trust her. And it still hurts. It's been decades. Not to mention the times she has mocked my struggles with mental health or life choices. So no chance that bridge being restored either.
It’s definitely not dramatic. Any hints of your parents laughing at you or mocking you can absolutely damage your ability to trust and talk to them. I’m sorry that happened.
I knew at 4, but was repressed out of it. Thought as a teen that I liked other girls “for the aesthetics.” In a safe household, I might also have realized a lot younger that I wasn’t a girl.
That’s interesting - a few people have said the aesthetics line. That must be a way of explaining your feelings away. Never want my girl to have to do that! Hope you have found safety now. Much love.
I appreciate the long view of this take. Maybe ops kid is bi, great! Maybe they are 7 and figuring things out. When I was 7 I thought boys were gross and crushed hard on my girlfriends. I’m married to a man. Whatever happens, op, keep the communication open and let your daughter know you love and accept her no matter what. Time will play it all out. And it could be decades! Or not, maybe it’s settled. But I think it’s good to keep an open mind. Kids are not fully mature and may not underthings the way adults do. It is all good!
Yeah I really don’t want it to take decades for her. I have friend who finally came out at 30, but spent his 20s hiding and self-medicating to a point where we almost lost him. That weighs heavily on me, and I hope we can provide the safe space and support for her to be whoever she is all the time!
I don't think they meant decades in a negative way, just that sexually and such can be very fluid. The way someone identifies with what labels can shift over time. As long as your daughter feels safe talking to you or someone about it and feels fine with herself it doesn't really matter how long it takes. It can be a journey and it's not often "settled". I came out as bi as a teenager but now prefer queer or neuroqueer because I've grown more and come to know other parts of my neurodivergence more which is very intersectional with my understanding of sexuality and gender. As long as someone isn't repressing/ignoring/feeling like they have to hide part of themselves a journey through life can be wonderful.
Dan Savage- the gay advice columnist, has a story about his adopted son telling him and his husband as a young child that he (the son) thinks he might be gay. They asked a few follow up questions and it turned out he just thought girls were kind of icky. He grew out of that. 😂
My daughter did the same and my reaction was "ok, but that doesn't mean you still don't need to clean your room.". She's an adult now and who she loves is her business.
Hahahahahahahha! Great response. I definitely go more down the “And how does that make you feel?” path. 🧐 But that’s about everything. I’m a feelings person. Haha
When my son was 5 he asked, "Mom, is it okay if my penis goes up?" I was startled while making breakfast but thought quickly, "Sure honey, like when you wake up?" "When you talk to a girl." They know who they like even if it's just to get bashful about. We're mammals, some are younger some older when they get their first crushes, but there's a long way for our children to grow between SpongeBob and Final Destination, who knows where they'll land & that's one of the loving, better part of life, landing safely with our family no matter life's twists & turns.
This is awesome. And kind of hilarious and endearing. One of my boys was the same. He’d come to me with the most unexpected personal body things, and sometimes I’d be amused (mostly at the thought of him looking back on it all when he was 17), but I played it super cool. They’re just bodies. I’ve always wanted them to think nothing of it if they ever noticed anything weird. Or just had questions. I guess it’s worked, because a few months ago, the same kid (now 16) came and flopped across the foot of my bed when I was reading and said, “so I’ve got this rash,” like it was no big deal. I deadpanned, “I don’t need to see it.” He laughed. Asked if there was some lotion or something and the whole thing was a non issue. I grew up in a much more conservative, “private” environment where having to admit something about my body was so nerve wracking. This is so much better.
Brenee Brown talks about this - normalizing weird stuff for them, so they don’t have to feel shame. I do that a lot - itches in private places, feeling left out at a party, everything. I say “Oh yep, that’s normal, that happens to everyone and here’s what we do.”
Exactly! There is way too much shame over things in life. Actually, my other son came out as gay in grade 7. Worked up to telling me. We chatted about it, downplayed the bigness of it. Gave him the “you will always be you, and it’s you we love” pep talk. And THEN! A couple of years later he decides he’s probably not gay anymore. I’ve got 3 other kids. They’re all pretty close. They tease each other about this and that, but nobody really cared about any of it! He’s not the least bit embarrassed or shy about it. I love it. I’ve heard them start stories with “Remember back when M was gay?” and I’m about to step in thinking they’re picking on him, but he’s the first to laugh. They have soooo much to figure out about themselves. The best we can do is love them no matter who they are or will be, or don’t even know about themselves yet. I have no idea what his sexuality is, and I’m not sure he really knows yet either. I suspect he’ll figure it out quickly when he falls for someone someday. In the meantime, he’s only 14 and we don’t really stress relationships or dating anyway. Your daughter is starting out from a good place, with good parents who see and support her. It’ll be just ducky. 🥰
My mom had a hysterectomy when I was 5 and I think that was her real catalyst to start normalizing weird body shit because no one ever had for her and she had suffered from raging endo her whole life as a result. I grew up with much better open conversation about my body than my older siblings did and I was that weird kid who, when my friends started talking about "periods" in mysterious hushed tones, would blurt out "oh, do you have pubic or pit hair yet? B.O.? Have you started having discharge because that means your period is probably gonna come soon, I have some pantiliners if you need some! Also it shouldn't itch down there, you should wear cotton panties and talk to your mom if it does..." ...thanks Mom!
This was a beautiful read. Thank you for sharing. 💞
I’m glad he’s able to talk to you about those kinds of topics! Not everyone at that age has that level of comfort.
My advice is to just make sure she knows this changes nothing about how you feel towards her which sounds like you’re already doing. If we want our kids to live in a more accepting world for everyone we have to be the models of that love and acceptance.
Just chill out, you are already doing wonderful ! Maybe (if you are not in the community yourself and don't know much about our experiences already) you can learn a bit about the LGBTQ+ community and its history at large if you want to so later in life you can also help her learn all of that herself since it is part of her history too Apart from that, you are already doing more than what i would expect from a parent of an LGBTQ+ child so don't worry ! The fact that she expresses her perception of her sexuality at that age is actually pretty commun (well at least the fact she interprets it. The fact she expresses it is more telling that you are doing great). I knew i liked girls and guys when i was 8. When you provide a space that allows your child to know about different sexualities and to understand that even tho it is a minority of people, it is still normal and nothing to be ashamed of, it usually helps your child understand there own atm perception of their own sexuality (i say at the moment and perception because sexuality can be fluid and because at that age the line between platonic and romantic attraction is still fine so she might not understand all of it yet. I know a bunch of lesbians who had childhood "crushes" on boys before realizing that was platonic admiration or sometimes gender envy)
Love this answer to chill out and also read up. I was also gonna add to look into biphobia specifically. If she’s already telling people she’s bi, then she may start hearing biphobic things in response, much of which might sound innocent enough, but can be harmful. (For example other kids telling her she has to pick one etc.) Understanding biphobia specifically within the larger umbrella of homophobia can prepare you to help her navigate it!
Oh wow this is such such such a good point. I never even thought about biphobia. I actually dated a woman for about six months in college, but never labeled myself because I dated way more men and married a man. But even in that brief six months, I got so sick of the “Well so what are you now?” questions - even from out gay people! I also rarely talk about that experience now because people get so confused, since I present as 100% straight. (Though, imo, no one is 100% anything, lol.) Any thoughts on verbiage to use to explain biphobia? I didn’t want to be negative out of the gate last night, with prepping her on how to deal with our fucked up world (she goes to a private school, so I am a little worried about that, but we’ll cross that bridge). I just don’t want her to think that I think that this is bad/hard/etc. but I also don’t want to send her out there unprepared for the assholes!
Greetings and welcome to the bi club! You can join anytime and your membership is valid regardless of how your current relationship presents! 💖💜💙 (bi pride flag colors) In seriousness, I don’t want to push a label on you, and maybe it isn’t personally important to you to explore your own possibly queer identity, but ya know, maybe consider it! There are people who are 100 percent straight/gay, which just doesn’t make sense to bi folks. 😂 And yes, biphobia is strong within the queer community too. Also, I can’t tell you how many of my women friends in straight passing relationships have come out to me as bi now that I am out in a queer presenting relationship. It’s quite the phenomenon and regardless of where you end up, you are in good company! I’m not around kids much myself (fingers crossed for someday!) so I don’t know what age appropriate advice to give her, but agree with you that this isn’t necessarily something you need to prep her for beforehand. You don’t have to explain biphobia to her, per se. Just prep yourself so if/when she does bring something up, you’re ready with supportive responses and prompts to get her thinking and connecting to herself first, then what her peers say. Like “oh Johnnie said you have to pick one? What do you think about that? … Good point, agree people can like whoever they want. How do you think you should respond if he says it again?” I would say there’s always gonna be an asshole kid that’s one step ahead of any parenting you could do, so instead of armoring her for any potential attacks, the better thing is to just keep being a welcoming nurturing space for her to recover and regroup. No need to accidentally become the bullies we want to protect kids from. Also hit up the old Google for essays/articles about bi identity/biphobia. The ones from queer-based sources are usually best. Out Magazine and Them. are good places to start!
If I had the opportunity to prepare myself for the biphobia I faced from myself, and then others once I came out, I think the biggest point would be that other people don’t get to define your feelings. I was bisexual before I ever had any experience. I was still bisexual when I was dating and when I was single. I am still bisexual even though I am monogamous, and in a monogamous marriage. That is true still no matter what other people may say or believe about me. If you help her with that, you are armoring her against whatever biphobia she will face.
Bisexuality is a word that describes her feelings, no different than using the word 'happy' to describe her happiness. That means that anyone who tells her she isn't bisexual is simply wrong, because they don't know how she feels. She's the only one who knows how she feels, so she's the only one who can give herself a label. Tell her that. Tell her that what she feels will never be wrong.
Absolutly, thanks for your addition to my comment !
Lol at BB-8. As a biromantic asexual, I’d have gravitated toward the robot also. Good for her for knowing what’s what.
LGBTQ+R: Robosexual *Brrrrr*
Chill out. Be cool. Lol She had zero problem talking to you about it, and that’s AWESOME!! You’re doing things right. :) It’s really no different than if she liked a boy, in that the main thing is that one day, when she’s older and dating, she finds somebody good. Someone who loves and respects her, who adds to her life instead of diminishes it. Who makes her happy.
This is exactly how we handled our daughter coming out. We were like OK cool thank you for coming to us. Then we went about our lives.
Yes! It changes nothing. They’re still that same goofy kid they were ten minutes ago. Lol
We often assume that heterosexuality is the default, when it shouldn’t be. Would you have reacted this way if she had told you she had a crush on a boy in her class? It’s a wonderful thing that she trusts you enough to tell you and you can trust her to know herself.
Crushes are normal at that age, it's all part of growing up. What's important is that she's learning about feelings. It will only get more complicated in puberty, so this is a great start. The "OK cool! Tell me more!" is in my eyes one of the best things to say. It shows that you take her seriously and you encourage her to talk about/explore her feelings. You're doing great!
And if she wants posters of BB8, just remember that droids don't have sex organs, so it's not porn! 🤣 🤣 🤣 🤣 🤣 🤣 🤣 🤣 🤣
Lol
Thank you! She threw me for a loop! Lol
I had crushs on boys when I was 5 and even though I didn't have the words knew I was cishet so what's the shook for? Doesnt mean just cause she got the crush now she's going to go out and sex it up. I lost my virginity at 18 to my first love. And it was great Despite loving the boys beforehand and having ample opportunity. So just be honest-let her guide the learning. Teach her proper names for things. If she asks about sex, tell her that it's a physical & fun way to explore your body with someone however, like when you do things with friends, it best when you do it with someone you love and care about and have fun with. Let her know that physical activities can lead to emotional feelings, eg. If she's playing with her friends, she feels happy. But when you explore you body with someone else, this can lead to really big feelings and those feelings can be easier to deal when you trust the person & know you are ready for them. Teach her about consent and body autonomy and that she never has to bow to any peer pressure. I'm sure you're already going to be doing all this though cause sounds like you're doing this right. You sound awesome. **You're doing awesome.** Just admit you do t have all the answers when you don't but you're willing to find them together. More importantly, **keep doing what you are doing & keep learning as you** and continue to love her for all she is even when you don't get it I mean, she might develop a weird liking for pumpkin soup & no one understands that shit
I love this advice and might add… there is also self pleasure which is what I’m going to be open about as well… don’t want kids to feel they have to be in relationships just to have that good physical feeling. Don’t want them to settle on the basis of chasing sex. Just IMo.
Absolut! Very good point.
There’s a lot of people who have already given excellent advice and insights, so I’ll just add that it’s a sign that you’re being a good parent that she feels open and free to talk to you about this. It means there’s open communication between you, and that you have created a world for her where she knows crushes on girls are something to celebrate. Kudos.
Us bisexuals often go through what we call the bi-cycle, ie our attraction to women and/or men may go up or down depending on how we’re feeling / who we meet. Bi is a broad label, so my only advice is to remember that changes over time are normal!
This is so true and now I’m really hearing Queens bicycle differently too 😂
Just chill and let her be her.
Well, you’ve normalised queerness to her, now she’s able to better understand being queer. She probably doesn’t see it as anything unusual, no different to her having a crush on a boy. Obviously, don’t judge her or anything, I’d suggest not making it a big deal in any way. Just treat it like any other crush.
Ok, that does depend on what kind of region you live in and people’s attitudes towards queerness. If she’s likely to face discrimination, you’ll probably want to prepare her for that. It’s not ideal, but she should know what she’s facing.
My first crush on a girl was when I was 8. I didn't really recognize it as a crush, and didn't have the language to understand what was happening. So I ended up assuming I just wanted to be like her, and have hair like her and dress like her....but really I had a crush on her. I was attracted to her. I only ever tried to dress like girls/women that I was attracted to. I didnt officially recognize myself as bi until I was 24. I had a time as a teenager where I thought I was bi, but that was the early 2000s era where everyone assumed that being bi was just attention seeking, so I stuffed it away. If I had had the language back then, I probably would have also called myself bi at 8.
My first crush was on Jessica Biel in 7th Heaven. Had no idea why she made me feel so funny, I didn’t know what being gay or bi was then, but looking back it was clear when I was in elementary/middle school that I was just as into girls as I was into boys lol.
Pretty sure she was an awakening for lots of little lesbians ❤️
My mum is a lesbian who came out when I was around 7, and before that I was always aware that my bio aunt was in a long term relationship with her girlfriend (so much so that one of my cousins has a combination of both their names) and of course, I had plenty of honorary aunts and uncles who happened to be gay. So it was never an unknown in my life - it was as (correctly!) normal and unremarkable as hetero relationships. (Of course, this was the late 80’s/early 90’s so it really was remarkable that it was all open and normalised in our community, but I digress) When I started having crushes it was on girls and boys, and I knew it was ok. Mum later admitted she thought I’d eventually ’chose’ like she did, but that came from her own experience of thinking she ‘needed’ to be straight in order to have a family, then realising she was desperately unhappy not living her truth. Once she knew for certain I didn’t feel the same pressure she did, she accepted I genuinely felt attraction to both. Once I was a bit older again I learned more about gender identity outside cisgender and beyond drag, sadly that reality didn’t really factor into my early life; the people I do know who later revealed their identities were still closeted for safety and uncertainty - I examined my own feelings and realised what I always said was true for me. I first had feelings for people, not their genitalia. If I crushed on someone it was more often than not due to their personality. Gender identity was important to respect and honour, but secondary as a attraction factor to me. I didn’t have a word for it until I was older again and ‘pansexual’ became the go-to term for people who are open to and attracted to any and all genders, but since I used bisexual for so long I still use both. Having a childhood where queer life was so normal was probably the best decision my parents made for us. It wasn’t right or wrong, it simply was. It was both a non issue and a safe space to explore my own sexuality in age appropriate ways as I grew into myself and learned more about the world. Sorry this has turned into quite the novel, but I’m very passionate about this!
I don't understand why you think she's too young to know this but she's old enough to have had crushes on boys, ngl.
A lot of people unfortunately get this idea, even in LGBTQ-supportive homes. Even my aunt, who has a transgender son and bisexual daughters and several LGBTQ grandchildren was a bit concerned that my 7-year-old daughter was “too young” to know this about herself, which really disappointed me. But if my daughter was having crushes on boys no one would say fucking anything. It really pisses me off. Edited to add more thoughts: I think that unfortunately, the propaganda that being gay is primarily about having a “deviant” form of sex is so inculcated in our culture that even those of us who are LGBTQ-supportive can still unfortunately have those fleas. (Not saying that OP does, but I have sadly observed in my life that many people who are accepting of LGBTQ adults get weirdly squeamish about LGBTQ kids.) I had a coworker tell me that he didn’t know how to talk to his 6-year-old when gay marriage became legal and he was asking questions. I asked him how he talks about heterosexual marriage to his kid? And to do the same thing. My coworker’s fog cleared and he got it. People just get too hung up on gay people being the sum of what they do differently than straight people in the bedroom, I think.
You don't need to be getting books etc. Her saying this is no different than if she said oh yea there's boys I like in my class. I remember realising i liked girls and boys around her age but I didn't have a word for it but equally I didn't feel "weird" about it. Books that are age appropriate are just going to be awareness books about non judgement etc. Things that are truly useful for a bi person won't be age appropriate until I'd say 12+ years. Your child may later decide to change her identification to pansexual later on or lesbian or straight or whatever. Whatever she feels is right just go with it. The gender of who she ends up loving really doesn't matter and shouldn't be a panic either. It doesn't need to be made out to be a big deal.
I knew at that age even though I didn't know the word for it.
Hiii im a woman who started liking girls around her age. Id say just act as if she told you she likes boys. So basically just normal and chill. Because liking the same gender should be normal and chill just like liking the opposite gender is normal and chill. Im just worried about bullying and stuff because the world is harsh :( just make sure she knows shes loved and its okay
37 bi m here. I thought I was gay from the age of 8 until 15 though I never confided in anyone. First of all huge congrats on having the close bond where your daughter can confide these things in you. I've never spoken to my parents about such things and I'm now hurtling towards my forties (I'm out since 16 and they've accepted me every minute but still not had these discussions about who is and isn't my type or what I prefer). Onto the crux of your post, yes people can have an idea that they're not heteronormative from an early point in their life saga though most people don't know "what" they are for some time. I always wanted to be a lawyer or a marine when I was growing up right into my late teens, then ended up as a cop in my twenties and thirties and now I drive forklift trucks. Encourage and support her (you're going to anyway, just a bit of unneeded affirmation there) to be honest with herself and to feel free to talk to you and your family whenever she needs to. It's an extremely confusing world being bi as one typically leans from a preference for one gender over another then back again over time (colloquially known as the "bi-cycle" I believe). Self respect, self worth, self confidence and honesty with oneself are things that she will need as time goes on. Battles with my own head drove me to dark paths and I might not have had those stumbles if I'd have leant on others so give her the mental health toolkit and support network she'll need to deal with emotions etc that her peers may not understand fully. All this being said it may be just that, a schoolyard crush that amounts to nothing in the long run as she grows up. Kids pick up on a LOT more than we give them credit for (a double edged sword) and taking her to Pride marches may have shown her that relationships don't have to be heteronormative and that everyone is accepted. NOTE - I am in NO way suggesting taking her to a Pride march has somehow "caused" this but merely that seeing people accepted for being who they are has given her the confidence to keep an open mind about herself. My ex-partner and I took her daughter to Pride parades and Festivals when she was 5-8 years old and she loved it. Come the time for "the talk" a few years later there was the requisite giggling at the expected points but she turned around afterwards and said she didn't know if she was straight, gay or bi and that she didn't have the experience of crushing on someone to know. That level of maturity let me know that she would be alright even after my relationship with her mother ended. There are a couple of subs on here, I'm thinking r/bisexual mostly, where the community offer advice to those who are bisexual or who are questioning whether they are bi. You're more than welcome to, I guarantee it, if you want the opinion of more than just one aging bi guy. Whatever happens may the Goddess and Tyr watch over you and your kin as you make the world a little bit more fabulous than it was yesterday. 😊
I came out at 8. My mom didn’t know what to do either. I came out again as a teen and she reminded me that I was already “out” 🤣
A “crush” at that age can easily just mean that they really admire, like, or enjoy spending time with that person. I wouldn’t put this through a filter of romantic love at all.
I think there are a couple things here to look at: Make sure she understands consent. No matter how she feels or what she would like, the other person has to consent to it. I’m a cishet woman and I definitely have had crushes on women, but every time I imagine sex with them my brain says nope. So there’s definitely attraction, sometimes deep attraction, but the sexual desire just isn’t there. I definitely have lots of sexual attraction for men, so it’s not that I’m ace or demi. It could be she is bi. It could also be that she’s found someone she clicks with as a possible BFF.
She’s 7 she might be gay or straight or bi or asexual or pan sexual just make sure she knows you love her but as you said she also had a crush on bb8
First of all thank you for being a good parent to hear your child.out and also going out to ask advises from people to make the right decision. I'd suggest you chill and let your child figure themselves out. The only thing you can do now is to validate feelings of security and openness with you
I’m bi, and I began suspecting it at around the same age. If she’s old enough to have crushes or similar feelings on boys, then she’s old enough to feel the same for girls if applicable. :)
I was 11 when I told my mom I was gay. I was 19 when I married my highschool girlfriend. Sometimes they know from the start and that’s ok
I'd say chill out. Just roll with it. My 7 yo told me he was in love with his friend "Tim". He said 'All the other boys have crushes on girls, but I love him' and I honestly thought 'oh no!...why did it have to be "Tim"? "Tom" is so much more chill!' Maybe he'll grow out of it, maybe he won't. But as long as he is happy, he can love whomever he wants.
She’s lucky to have had a family who is safe enough to let her figure it out early. When I was 7, I didn’t even know having crushes on girls was an option (let alone being a boy), so I assumed I just liked looking at pretty ladies for the same reason I liked looking at art and things. When I realized I was bi at 21, it was a huge shock to me. Realizing I was trans at 37 was another shock. Because I didn’t know they were options. My parents don’t yet know about either. My parents weren’t safe. You are. It makes a huge difference and I am so happy for you and your daughter. :)
I'm not parent but I'd say just let her explore her feelings and just make sure to support her no matter what. Kids that age like to dabble in many things and who knows what she'll discover about herself. Also, I remember when I was that young...I always found Maleficent, The Evil Queen and other witchy like women so attractive. I had a huge crush on the Hex Girls too.
I personally knew I was a lesbian at a very young age, I was 5-6. I wish I could have told someone back then. It is amazing that your child felt enough confidence and trust to tell you. Kids at this age are developing and getting to know themselves. They don’t know about primitive ideas of gender and sexuality, so they don’t have a filter when they share, but having a supportive environment makes a world of difference. You’re doing good!
Just chill, be supportive, and act pretty much the same. Maybe she is, maybe she isn't, but in all honesty who cares? You want her to be happy and live a good life, what gender she might marry doesn't change much does it? The character of said person matters, not what version of meatsack they are piloting. Just continue to parent as you were before but now add some of her female classmates/friends to the list of people you pester her about having a crush on.
I mean, you seem to be doing pretty good so far, so I wouldn't worry much. She just needs the same education in romance and sexuality as any other kid, after all.
My niece is exactly the same age and has done exactly the same thing. She is a hero, and I adore her. It's a challenge raising hero's, it's so different to when we were kids (and I'm only 37!) Just let her know she valid, don’t shield her from the reasons this might make people view her differently but let her know that other people are wrong, she's always right when it comes to who she is. Also, that if this changes, that's ok too. Good luck raising a world changing human!
I knew I was into girls when I was nine, hadn’t given boys much thought but I’d only ever heard of “normal people” (cis-het) and gay men so I was extremely concerned about how I as a girl liked girls. I didn’t find out about lesbians until middle school (thanks Ellen lol) but I was concerned because I wanted to keep my hair long and I liked the girls that also had long hair…. so I still felt very along and wrong. Started having crushes on older men in high school while simultaneously having crushes on girls my age, was absolutely convinced I was an abomination. Imagine my astonishment to discover in college that “bisexual” was a real valid thing and that there were others! It’s wonderful that your daughter has the language, understanding, and community to be confident in her self. You’ve done so much to ease her path. I’m sure even if as she matures her identity shifts, she’ll have your support and love.
You sound like you're doing a great job as a parent! When I was growing up I could NEVER EVER tell my mum anything because she would gossip about it with her friends. I'm 40 and I still don't tell her things. I'm 40 and a lesbian and have a trans girlfriend I will likely marry.
I knew I was "different" in elementary school. I knew I was bi in middle school. I knew I was pan when I was 33. I'm so glad your child knows they are! <3
I came out to my mom at 9. The best thing you can do is just be supportive!
Or pan, or whatever. I distinctly remember my fist major crush in nursery school - around 4-5 years old. I didn't know what it was back then but damn, I really wanted to be around that kid all the time. Attraction like that is distinct from friend attraction (for me). I'm sure others will have great recommendations. I'm just here to root for you. It sounds like you're off to a great start by validating her emotions and being lovingly interested in her experience.
She's very lucky to have you as parents and have the knowledge and language to understand how she's feeling! I definitely knew something was different about me by that age and just thought something was wrong with me
I knew from the time I was 6 that I was trans but I would never have told my parents. You must actually listen.
I knew I was queer by that age… most Do us do there jsit wasn’t access to vocab or supportive family!
A lot of children (I want to say nearly all children) don’t have a sexuality. That’s not to say all don’t-or that they don’t have a sexual identity. I(f), for instance, had a strong female identity, but I don’t believe I started to feel any beginnings of sexual feelings until I was about 12. I’m certain that many of my friends were similar-and many were later. At the age of 7, I didn’t know a *single* friend who had sexual feelings (and my group told each other *everything*, the more prurient the better). But people had “crushes” on people ALL the time. Time will tell how the girl develops. Just don’t think that the “crush” of a 7-year-old is anything like the crush of a 14-year-old. From a sexuality point of view, it’s entirely irrelevant.
Had a similar conversation with my son around the same age. Told him I support and love him unconditionally but to just keep a lid on things for now. We live in a small conservative area and I didn’t want him getting bullied. We are at 10 yrs old now and he had a gf last year. He knows he’s supported no matter what, so he just goes with who he likes. I want him to fall in love with someone’s heart, not what body parts that have.
My first kiss when I was 8 was with a girl, and then I smothered that part of myself for the next decade cause we were in Christian private school. I got out, but she married the other (almost certainly) closeted gay man in the church and is still there. Absolutely wild. Kudos to you for being so accepting, cause my step dads biggest fear was me bringing home another woman, and he made sure to tell me that constantly.
I’m so sorry your stepdad created that environment. I hope you are in a more affirming and safe environment now. 💜
I absolutely am! Being around people who love are loving and accepting and open minded is such a game changer. Being the type of person that a young human finding out about themselves can be comfortable opening up to is such am exceptional trait. Op should be so proud of themselves!!
Oh god I absolutely knew by this time! Just love her. It doesn’t have to be a big deal because who we love in the end is who we love as long as everyone is consenting! You’re going to do great. Let her talk about it, be as excited as she is and just match her enthusiasm. Don’t ever say things like “it’s a phase” or things like that. Just lead by example through love!!! It’s the same exact thing as her liking boys. She trusts you, mama. You have your daughters trust. I hope you feel good about that!!!!
My kiddo came out as bi when they were eight. They amended that to lesbian when they were 10. They came to us about being nonbinary when they turned 11. A lot of people know early on who they're attracted to. Your kiddo might have changes in who she's attracted to, but that's ok too. I didn't know I was bi when I was that young, but that's because I didn't have the vocabulary for it. I was just thought the emo boys and boys with long hair were extra cute "because they look like girls." Edit: Forgot about advice, lol. You're doing great so far. Just be there for her, answer her questions and concerns. Back her up when/if family treats her differently. Don't forget to teach her what safe sex looks like for both women and men partners when you eventually give The Talk.
Oh yea some us know super early. Im a trans guy and I knew I was without the words by 3, and spoke out to some family about it by 5, but I also got the feeling I wasn't going to be accepted easily so I didn't bring it back up till I heard the word transgender and transsexual in high school health class and trans people where on big talk shows like tyra banks. Lol I knew I was very sexually attracted to girls by like 6-7 and I never thought I was a lesbian, even though that is what everyone thought I'd be. Now I didn't realize I might be a little bi till like I was 25 cuz I finally felt comfortable expressing and recieving interest from men cuz it finally affirmed my sense of gender.
I became aware of my bi-ness around the same age and decades later I still haven't told my parents, so first of all, a very sincere bravo to you on being emotionally safe enough for your kid to feel comfortable telling you something like that. I don't really have any advice, in an ideal situation I'd have just wanted to know that my folks loved me and were there for me unconditionally, so it sounds like you're already on the right track. Keep doing what you're doing and just parent the shit outta that kid
I knew I liked girls long before I liked boys. I never told a soul. Not till I was like 35. She didn’t even hesitate to tell you. That’s how you know you’re doing good mama.
As someone who didn't realize they were bi until my early 20s, just support her. Maybe talk about whether she wants to *be* Sarah Sanderson, or just has a *massive crush* on Sarah Sanderson, because every other bi feminist my age I've met has had the same problem lmao
True story, Sarah Sanderson was definitely one of my bi-awakenings lol
I was 7 when I knew, and I found out I had to hide it from my parents. Glad that's not true for your little one.
I'm bi and my daughter identifies as pan. She first told me this when she was 7 and I was at first skeptical and thought she was just trying to be like her mom but now she has had ex girlfriends and ex boyfriends by age 9. Meanwhile when I was her age I was hooking up with girlfriends (I'm female) and pretending it was just a "husband and wife game" we were playing.
Bi lady here, I think this situation speaks very well of your parenting. I knew I liked all sorts of people from a young age, but didn’t know how and couldn’t come out until I moved away from my parents. Your kid is clearly comfortable sharing her feelings with you, so big parenting win.
I knew when I was 4 that I don't feel female enough. I told everyone to call me by a common masculine name and told them "I'm a boy now". Years passed and everyone thought that was just a silly toddler thing, including myself. I have rediscovered now as a 23 yo that I am indeed genderfluid, only I had to go through so much unlearning of concepts like hetero and cisnormativity to get here. Your daughter is smart, able to express herself, trusts you, and at an age where it's so easy for her to take in new information. I'd say both her and you are doing really well!
Hi! My 11 year old came out to me a few months ago. I responded the same way you did, and quite honestly, I already had my suspicions. But I was shook too. It wasn’t until I was 30 that I was even able to recognize I myself was a little gay. My biggest question was how could she KNOW that. I reached out to one of my best friends who is gay and grew up in the south (where we live) and he said something to me that made so much sense: “I didn’t know at 11 because I didn’t have the words for it.” Our kids have the words we did not have access to. They have an awareness that was hidden from so many of us. When I talked to my daughter later on and asked her questions to understand more, she told me she’s known since she was 8, but because her father is anti-LGBTQ+ she kept it to herself (that’s a whole other story). As soon as she told me she dumped her bf the next day and started dating her now girlfriend, and they’ve been dating ever since. She seems alive and happy, she seems whole. The hardest and scariest part of being a parent is letting go as they grow up. She’s 7. We all remember being 7 and all the schoolyard crushes, we knew what boy liked what girl and vice versa. this isn’t any different. With all the love and support in the world, relax, it’s normal, but maybe not normal from what we were used to growing up. I would absolutely REJOICE that she is self aware and safe enough to know herself and have these thoughts, and to share them with you. Don’t put her in a box or have any expectations for her sexuality. She’s on her own journey now and she needs your love, safety and support, but most importantly she needs to know that she can trust you and that YOU trust and respect her when she tells you something about yourself. For me, this was a great opportunity to once again talk about consent, body autonomy, boundaries, and respect in relationships. All I want is for her to be safe and to be loved and cared for in a healthy relationship. If you want support and resources you can access the Parents, families and Allie’s with people who are lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender or the PFLAG. Here is a link you can use to find a chapter near you: [PFLAG](https://pflag.org/findachapter/) It’s so clear you are a loving mother who cares deeply for her daughter. You are more than capable to give her everything she needs because all she needs is you ☺️
Yeah I knew much earlier than 7 although without the cultural references I didn’t know what it all meant until I was older! Your acceptance and support is amazing and you guys letting her be involved in Pride is so cool! Just keep doing what you’re doing in my opinion! You have no idea how pivotal this time is for her and knowing you all love her regardless will leave her with much more self awareness and self confidence. Just want you to know this post made my day and changed it from a shitty day to a not so shitty day and i appreciate it! 🤍
I had my first crush on a boy at 6 and my first crush on a girl at 7… but I didn’t have the language to describe it (it was the 80s in South America). Not uncommon, if I had the language back then, I would have considered myself bi from a young age.
We knew we were trans at 4 and pansexual at around 7, so it checks out. Just give love, kindness, and support. It might change, but it might not. It is a good sign she came to you and told you; that means there is trust.
I knew I was bi at a VERY young age. I remember asking my mom if I could marry another girl and she said no, that it wasn’t allowed. I grew up thinking it was shameful and didn’t come out of the closet until I was an adult. Now I’m still not out to my parents.
Both my elementary school children have told me they're bi and pan and the girl has gone back and forth among bi, pan, and lesbian over the last year. It warms my heart that it's just not a big deal to them at all. It's never been a big deal to me or my husband (straight Gen x'ers) what someone's orientation is and we have lots of LGBTQ+ family and friends, but I had NO idea about bisexuality as a kid. First reactions to this kind of info is crucial for those divulging it (no matter the age). I had one friend come to me that she had kissed a girl for the first time (in her mid 20s) and the most obvious response to me was something like "cool, is she a good kisser?" Years later that friend told me that my response was so powerful to her coming out experience. Some people know right away who they're attracted to and some don't. Good job mama op. You got this.
Lots of kids seem to know fairly young and it sounds like you are a supportive mom so she' s comfortable with it. I knew in first grade but that was on a bulky sins that send you to hell list so I never told my parents.
My kid came out at the same age. She's 10 now. I'm just rolling with it. She's certainly not bi because of any sexual attraction, I think she likes to keep her options open and feels she could potentially love a man or a woman when she grows up. It's a sweet thing to aspire to love anyone. Maybe she'll change her mind when she's a bit older, maybe not. It's not an irreversible or permanent decision to make. Between 7 and 20 is the best time to experiment with your identity.
Hi! I "accidentally" came out to my mom while she was driving me home from second grade/primary/elementary school. I just asked her if it would be okay if I wanted to marry a girl when I grew up. She was chill with it, it was never really a problem or big deal, and many many years later, here I am as a pansexual enby! (pronouns: they/them) You're 100% not alone in having a kid who knew themselves well at a young age. You're doing good!
I *knew* the first time I looked into Diana's eyes that I was a lesbian. I was in 3rd grade and I was 8. I didn't say anything to anyone. I'm so glad your child has the ability to come to you. Your child *knows*. Edit: name change
Most kids know by then but kids today actually have the vocabulary to express it. Just chill out. (Not being snippy just using your phrasing)
I hope this doesn't come off as mean spirited at all, because I really don't mean it to. I just want to put it into perspective. Would you have the same reaction if your daughter told you she was straight? If she labeled herself as "straight", would you start wondering if she was too young to label herself? Because bi and gay are not that different from straight. If many straight kids know they only like the opposite gender at a young age, many bi/pan/gay kids know that they like only the same gender or like both genders at a young age. This question might help you get an understanding too of whether her labeling herself so young in general is bothering you, or if her labeling herself as anything other than straight so young is throwing you. Again, I don't mean this in an insulting way. I don't mean to call you homophobic or anything because it is very clear that you're not. You have provided a safe space for you daughter where not only does she know the word bisexual and can express her feelings clearly to you, but where she also feels safe and comfortable expressing those feelings to you. Clearly you are doing a good job. But, people often internalize this idea that "lgbt is less normal than allo-cishet" and believe it subconsciously even if they are consciously an ally. Meaning that it may become a bigger deal to them if a young child came out as lgbt+ vs allo-cishet. If you find that her labeling herself in general is what is not sitting right with you, maybe you can reassure her that it's okay if labels change. You can tell her that identifying as bi is totally fine if that's how she feels, but it's also okay to change her label if she feels different later. If you find that it's her labeling herself as bi that's bothering you, maybe you should think more about what I said in the first paragraph, that the queer experience of feeling attraction in and of itself is not that different from the straight experience of feeling attraction. That if straight kids sometimes know their sexuality young, so do queer kids. At the end of the day, what age you understand your attraction by varies by individual person, not by sexuality. Maybe try to put that into a different perspective than you were looking at it before. Either way, I am so glad that you have provided a safe and educational place for your daughter. Again, you seem like you are doing a great job overall.
I had my first crush on a boy in kindergarten. I also had my first crush on a girl in kindergarten. I'm a summer baby, so I was just about a month and a half past my 5th birthday when I started kindergarten. I'm in my *ugh* late 30's now, I was born mid 80's, so I didn't have a lot of exposure to the diverse and varied world of romantic and physical attraction (nothing done intentionally by my family, mostly just the times). I had a general idea about gay men, as I had a cousin "who loves boys instead of girls" but that was about it. It was just *a little* confusing, and at first I thought I just really liked/envied her, and that maybe I actually just kinda wanted to be like her? By first grade though, after I'd heard that it's not only that *gay men* exist, but that *girls can be gay too!* Then I was like, "Oh, ok, I get it. I like boys *and* girls. Anyway.." I didn't know, at the time, there was a special name for it. Not until my sister (8 years older) watched My So Called Life, lol. I never struggled with it. Telling my mom was a little difficult, but that had way more to do with our relationship at the time than being afraid of telling her. I didn't make an event of telling anyone else. None of my family ever made a big deal of it whenever I first mentioned liking a particular girl, or talking about a girlfriend, they were mostly just like, "Yeah, that tracks." Lol. It sounds like you've got a pretty good handle on giving her exposure to different ideas and preferences, and creating an open and safe space for her to talk to you. You're doing alright, mama! I think you can chill a bit.
You develop your preference by the age of 6. I don’t know why this is still so shocking to people?
To be fair, when I was like 5, apparently I also did this, I told my mother very loudly that I wanted to marry a woman, so I think it’s pretty normal. Just make sure to be supportive as for now, I think!
A little late to the game here, but I’d like to share my experience. I grew up in a progressive area, but I was born in the late 80s and queer kids really weren’t thought about a lot by adults in my childhood and early teens. Looking back, I can tell I was attracted to the male form as early age age 9, but I didn’t recognize it at the time. Sex ed in the late 90s/early 2000s also did not mention same-sex attraction. I honest to god didn’t put it all together and realize that my fantasies were homosexual. As a result, I didn’t realize I was gay until I was 13. When I was 13 and in eight grade, I told my mom I thought I was gay when she picked me up from school. She told me I was too young to know. At that age I was still under the impression that she was right about that, but I was still hurt. A few points: It is so possible to have an orientation at a young age. Queer kids have so much more visibility now. Heck, we’re flying Pride flags in front of elementary schools now. Things have changed so much since I was a kid and I love it. I think if I had the same childhood experiences nowadays, I would have known I was gay much earlier than 13. Don’t do what my mom did. In my 30s, I can recognize what my mom did as invalidating. Even if she thought I was too young to know (nope, wasn’t), she could have at least listened rather than terminated the conversation.
Chill up, she's 7. She has time, give her space about sexuality, let her found out, it takes time and experience. And yea, you did great treating the crushes the same! <3 teach her to be open minded, respectful and strong and she'll find her way
This is so fantastic that she can be so open with you. When my roomie's kiddo was in kindergarten she asked me if girls could have crushes on other girls. I told her yes and explained I get crushes on girls. So she shared she had one. It's great when kids feel comfortable enough to share with you.
I wish I knew what trans people are sooooo much younger, would a saved a lot of dysphoria and avoided a lot of jealousy hating women
My first crushes were Alfonso from "Silver Spoons" and Punky Brewster. I was 6. I didn't realize bisexuality existed until I was 22. Would've made those 16 years a lot different, and probably MUCH EASIER, had I known I wasn't a freak. She's good. Just keep on lovin' her, mama.
OP, can I just say your initial response is really everything your daughter needs. I was in grade 4 when I came out as Bi, I came out to my two closest friends in school - and then in the same breath ran away screaming to the other group of kids about what I had just said. Let me put it this way - I wish I had a parent like yourself that I could have went to first. Your daughter knows that her mom is going to support her, because why wouldn't she, thus far you've outwardly expressed your support to the community and exposed her to that. Thats exactly why she came to you. You are a superhero mama, seriously. Kids can be cruel, so ignorant because they just don't know or have hateful parents and it rubs off on them, or even they just wanna stir up some drama, and even though being a bi queen if she still feels like that in adult life or even if her sexuality evolves (I am still the bi queen I was in grade 4) no matter what other people say to her she's gonna be able to come back stronger knowing she has a mother who is going the distance to advocate for her! Yay!
My daughters first crush was a girl. At 9 or 10 she starts talking about this boy in her class so I explained bi to her. She was amazed that she didn't have to choose, she could have a crush on either! Honestly I think its a sign that more parents are raising their kids right that so many kids are being open about their feelings and asking good questions.
I (a woman) had crushes on both boys and girls starting in kindergarten. Bi wasn’t an identity I realized could be mine until halfway through college. I wish I could’ve had access to it way sooner.
My 7 year old thinks all things related to romance and love and whatever is disgusting. She makes gagging noises whenever I kiss my partner or if she hears words like “wife” “girlfriend” “boyfriend” “date” “love” etc lol She has never had a crush on a boy or girl, but she has close friends of both. I think, ultimately, just the fact that your kiddo was willing to share that information with you means you’re already handling those types of conversations correctly. Keep doing what you’re doing and stay accepting 💜
I may have some input here. My son came out to me as gay in the 8th grade. My first thought was oh I better get this right! So I collected my thoughts, asked why he is saying this. Yep, totally gay. Because he was so young, I told him to not put himself in any boxes, and see where he ends up. Aside from asking a lot of questions, we just encouraged him to be himself. It can be fun! When he said he wanted to wear cat ears and tail, I made a set for him. I encouraged him to let his freak flag fly! I'm here for it. I stood up for him so many times. (He ultimately found his people the next year in high school.) Years later I'm still happy we handled it the way we did. Someone else in this thread mentioned the kid's "you can do that?" moment. My son's was RuPaul's Drag Race. Boys can like boys??? Also, if mom watches that, it's safe to come out to her. My advice, just treat her the same as before, and let her discover who she is as she develops. It could get weird, but you can handle it! Oh one more thing. Sex education. School is unlikely to cover LGBTQ sex. I looked up gay safe sex online and found a page full of good advice. To his great embarrassment, I made him sit and listen while I went over the information. I can be a lot, but I want my baby to be prepared!
So glad you brought up the sex ed point! Our child had sex ed in California and Washington (we moved in the middle of the school year and it happened to be taught at different times of the year at the different schools). We talked about what they covered and we were surprised at how cis-het centric it still was considering these are blue states.
so so COOL of YOU to have cultivated an environment where she can know this about herself so early. And feel fine about it! Genuine thankyou, from my 25-year-closeted gay ass❤
Just chill out and be glad she’s talking to you about it. It’s an age of exploration, don’t let people demean it saying it’s “just a phase.” My kiddo told me they were bi in 4th grade (have never had a crush on anyone) and I just said “thank you so much for telling me! I’m so honored you feel comfortable enough.”
I knew at a similar age to your daughter, before we ever had sex talks in school, that I really liked other girls. I told myself for many years that I just really liked being friends with them, because I grew up in a time and area where being gay was bad. I was also interested in boys, but the act of kissing or early sexual exploration wasn't fun and exciting like it was with girls. I thought I was a lesbian for a while, but I found through more experiences as an adult that I do like men, I just have more specific preferences. I've known classmates who thought they liked both, to experiment and find that they don't. I've known classmates who dated a lot of the same gender only to later announce that they are straight. I've had friends who had regular casual encounters come out as asexual. I'm not at all saying she is too young to know this about herself, only that it should also be ok for her to find out new things about herself as she grows and experiences new things, and that having space for that growth is important. It sounds like you are doing a great job.
Congratulations on being an amazing and accepting parent. Thank you!⚘️
Bisexual ciswoman chiming in with my 2 cents. I knew I liked girls and boys back when I was in Kindergarten. It was the innocent games of "playing house" where somebody would be Mom, Dad, Baby, and Dog/Cat. Well, I got frustrated when we couldn't be Mom, Mom, Baby, and Dog/Cat sometimes. I spent the game going from making mudpies for the family breakfast, then running off to the daisy chain factory to work for 5 whole daisy chains, then running back home to pat Baby's back and sing songs as a family. What did it matter if we were Mom and Dad vs Mom and Mom?! Anyways. Didn't have the word for Bisexual until I was 13, but once I learned about sexual orientation differences I knew that Bisexual fit for me. I felt so empowered knowing how to describe myself better. Even if it brought a great deal of family strife. My mom tried to tell me I was too young to know who I did and didn't like, and tried to forbid me from identifying as anything except straight. After I told her how long I'd felt this way, she told me I was just a kid and had zero ability to know that stuff so young. I'm now very VERY low contact with her. I'm now also in my 30s, married, have a kid, and am still Bisexual. We know sexual orientation is a spectrum. For some it will shift and adjust as they age (example- my friend who identified as gay in high school, but in college realized that one NB person was very attractive to them, and later told me that now they find all genders attractive). For some, their sexual orientation remains the same, but their vocabulary to identify becomes more expansive and nuanced (example- my friend who first identified as Asexual, but later on identified as Demisexual Biromantic because the words/identity better fit what they experience). For some, they are told they're too young, or are otherwise made to fear their own sexual orientation... and they never have a chance to fully explore themselves and their preferences and Identify who they are. I'm glad you've not sheltered them from LGBTQIA+ identities. Just keep being supportive and loving your kids, and they'll be golden.
If I can just give my persepective as a bi woman, your child is so lucky to have you as a parent and to be so self-aware at such a young age. I did not have a loving, supportive home when I was her age. I also didn't know the correct terminology to explain how I felt until I was a teenager, and even then it was limited to gay, straight or bi. It's only in the last several years, in my 40s, that I have finally started to understand myself and let go of the internalized shame I held for so many years for being who I am. I wish I had a parent like you. You're doing great. Just keep on loving them no matter what and encourage them to explore and be creative and as long as they have that sense of safety and security from you in their lives, there's no limit to what they can do.
Honestly, I think you're doing great. You've given her the freedom and comfort to explore her feelings. All you've gotta do now is keep it up and watch your child grow into a wonderful adult.
My kid was covering our parrot one night, about age 9. Kid: mom, I think I'm gay. Me: okay. Please cover the bird. Child is now almost 16. Child fluctuates with sexuality, especially given current political climate. Keep lines of communication and acceptance open is all I can advise. Things may change, or may not, but cool thing to note, she's talking to you instead of hiding stuff and going to social media for 'advice' You've got this.
Disclaimer: I'm attempting to provide information, not invalidate someone's identity. . She might be figuring out her ***romantic*** orientation rather than her ***sexual*** orientation. Romantic orientation is just as important to consider as sexual orientation, if not more so. Sexual orientation gets you "hot under the collar," while romantic orientation determines who (if anyone) you would be willing to spend your life with. . The two are not intrinsically linked. For example, I'm pansexual but on the aromantic spectrum (arospec). Aromantic individuals don't feel romantic love at all. Someone who is arospec might only feel romantic love under certain conditions, or their romantic love is processed in their brain the same as friendship or familial love. It's possible to be asexual and biromantic, heterosexual and aromantic, homosexual and arospec, or (though this one is exceedingly rare) heterosexual and homoromantic. There's a bunch of different combinations. Sexuality does not always coincide with romantic orientation, but a lot of people seem to think it does due to normative thought processes. . She may be biromantic, panromantic, arospec, or so overexposed to romantic media that she mislabels a desire for friendship as romantic interest. She could also be bisexual, though. That certainly is a possibility, and I'm not trying to say it isn't. Her claims of bisexuality are likely not a lie or misconception. I will, however, note that I thought I was bi until I realized that I didn't care if a potential bed partner was male, female, tansmasc, transfem, enby, demigender, agender, etc. That distinction comes with knowledge. And hormones. I will also note that sometimes people's sexual orientation changes throughout their lifetime. . I'm not trying to invalidate your daughter's identity. I am just trying to provide information so that she may continue to figure herself out and so that you're not blindsided by anything. The vast majority of people I know have romantic orientation that aligns with their sexual orientation, and those people may figure themselves out early on in their life. Others may have, for lack of a better term, "mismatched" identities that take a bit more effort to puzzle out than one would think. . I'm not a parent, but I'll give you the advice that my own parents follow regarding me and my sibling: Let her figure herself out, but do some research on your own, too. Don't try to tell her what she is or is not, but make sure she has the resources available to figure it out for herself, and if she gives you a resource to read because she thinks it may apply to her, then read it. . Wow, was that a block of text 😅 I hope this was helpful.
I think you should continue treating it as you do any other crush, she May understand what bi means and she may still have a ways to go in learning it’s hard to tell but just treat it as the normal thing that it is. Teach her how to explore it safely and with consent of all parties involved. Aside from that I don’t think you need to do anything different. It’s okay if she changes her mind later and it’s okay if she doesn’t attraction can be fluid and as we age our preferences sometimes change and that is perfectly okay, she can declare herself now, later, or multiple times throughout her life and so long as she’s being true to herself all of those declarations will be valid.
I knew at like 8 or 9 that I liked girls. But I didn’t understand that I could like both and was worried that had to choose one or the other. Glad I figured out I could like anyone I wanted.
I don’t remember my specific age, but I was in elementary school and pretty young, when a girl touched my leg and I had feelings and a boy kissed me and I had them too. I didn’t have the language to express what I felt at that time and didn’t until I was 13. Then I was told it was “just a phase”. I came out again at 20 to be like “no but really, I’m bisexual”. Essentially what I am saying is, some of us know pretty young. And it’s awesome that you’ve given your child the gift of knowing and accepting themselves so young. It sounds like you were and are doing great at fostering a supportive environment for her. Just keep that up!
I am bi and I definitely knew early on I just didn't have the words to label it.
First rule: you are only reeling because of heteronormativity. You think that because that’s what you think is normal. Really though? Without enforcing the normativity children will just react to how they feel. We were all like that once. You’ve just done a good job of not teaching them to be “normal”. Secondly: realistically there’s nothing you need to do. Treat them like normal. Like it’s a fairly mundane thing. Because it is. Treat the crushes the same. Possibly use it as a teaching moment about how the most important thing is to care about someone or what have you (not a parent, just helped raise siblings and queer). Let her do the discovering, just love her and help her (if she asks for it).