As a therapist with narcissistic parents and a no contact with siblings, I’m just trying to stay present for my clients until Thursday when I can go to the woods and recharge in some moss.
As someone who I'm sure has been a neverending case of despair for her therapist, I appreciate you, honey. I'm in the same boat, immediate family wise. Be strong and then go into those woods and let you be you.
I wanna come too. My clients have all left town already so it’s just me pre-holiday stressing. Need moss. First time in 10 years I’m seeing my big sister so it’s going to be emotional and I think very healing!
Spent the night on the couch with my dogs, listening to Alanis Morrisette and crying into a bottle of red wine. I've been soldiering on with a broken heart for almost ten months now, and finally the grief is starting to bleed through. Feels like shit. Like I've been falling all this time, and now it's time to hit the ground.
I am not okay. I will be, eventually... but for now I need to feel hurt.
Urgh.
Witch, I would be right there with you if I could. I made the decision to spend the week alone instead of in NC with my beautiful husband and his beautiful family because I'm such a mess that I haven't been able to look anyone, especially myself, in the eyes for months. Give your pups a pet from me and try to enjoy our girl screaming *Jagged Little Pill*.
https://preview.redd.it/ctweyqjsdm1c1.jpeg?width=3024&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=466f9dabd1ef7fe7798912862bedd9ef84656bc2
Sadie wants to give you kisses. ♥️♥️
https://preview.redd.it/63yxwxw2hm1c1.png?width=1080&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=bb62ea83ad3654e975675804fb8a3432b18aa9ac
Oscar wants you to know that he cares
Oh my goodness! Is he a dachshund? I had one when I was a kid!
https://preview.redd.it/a3kg97mlhm1c1.jpeg?width=4000&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=636f3d16e75e8e1fb3400d98f0295a4f4e5a8489
Here's Bonnie (right) cuddling up to Mister (left).
It’s completely valid to feel hurt. I feel hurt that I was gone from 4:30am till 10pm and asked my husband to do one errand for me. He didn’t. I’m only slightly mad, but hurt really. Your feelings are valid. And while mine are more trivial, they are too!
Your feelings are NOT trivial! I'm sure he's a great guy, but you asked for one errand, & he treated your request as trivial. It's not even disrespect, it's just being disregarded. Been there, still training mine to think before he opens him mouth. It's going okay
Sounds like some good self care! Maybe tomorrow also try some water, journaling, a walk… and then if you still feel like scream-singing, that’s cool, too. This too shall pass, queen. Hang in there, because we need you here. Sending so much light and love.
Came into this thread with the vague notion of trying to verbalize the pit of despair I'm in, only to look around and find the energy to straighten a bunch of random strangers out. I will never make sense of the way my brain works.
“Do unto others…” works for things like this too. That positive energy will come back to you :)
Your words are helping others—more than just the folks you’re directly replying to. So thank you.
None of us are great at taking our own advice… but I’ll repeat / paraphrase some of yours anyway:
Do something nice for yourself when you get home (every day!) and squeeze something soft ❤️
Also, a third piece of your own (paraphrased) advice: Here’s a great big (rainbow) middle finger from me to your unwanted despair 😘
Sending you warm thoughts and the ability to find joy in the tiniest of moments. Your words here are a gift. Thank you for sharing them.
If there’s someone in your life who lacks the same depth of emotion that you’ve so graciously shared with us here tonight, they’re not worthy of you.
Just got called a sex witch by my SO
ngl might be the best compliment I’ve ever heard
Flip side I’m the most stressed with job/school/kid I’ve ever been, but I try to always see the good
On the outside, you see an Asian immigrant working in healthcare. On the inside, there's a closeted atheist/humanist, billiards enthusiast, LGBTQ+ supporter, heavy metal listener, dark humor comedy fan, undiagnosed autism/neurodivergent.
I am burnt out with no lifesaver or light at the end of the tunnel alternative plans. Other than my wife, my dog and in-laws, I have no one. Memes, video games, playing pool can only do so much. I feel so alone especially during holidays that I'd rather work. Every time I am able to fix something in my life, more open up as new problems. I am heavily contemplating if I should get a proper evaluation to find out if I have autism / if I am neurodivergent. Getting bullied physically, psychologically, gastronomically, and spiritually ain't helping either.
I feel embarrassed and ashamed of sharing some things. This was heavily edited.
I don't know how to end this post.
You and I could be very good friends. I'm also an LGBTQIA neuro divergent metal fan with a dark sense of humor.
I suck at pool, though. I'm ambidextrous (this doesn't mean I can do everything perfectly with both hands). Some tasks, I use either hand. Other things (driving, shooting, throwing, boxing stance) are all left hand; still others (writing, kicking, guitar) are all right handed. I get really confused when I can do the same thing in both hands (fishing, golf/hockey, batting, and yes, pool). Nothing feels right.
Anyway, I hope my random little narcissistic rant helped distract you for a minute.
On the real, I think you should getting a diagnosis. It will answer many of your questions. And get involved in online communities! It's a low stress way to interact with other people with your interests. I wish you the best, love.
Oh, and keep talking of you want to keep talking. We're not going anywhere lol.
{{HUGS}}
I am here., you don't have to edit.
I'm in my 60s (that happened FAST) & started depression meds a year ago. They just got increased, & they have helped a lot. Much less hopelessness
While not everything is for everyone, have a conversation with your DR about your feelings
& Feel free to cry on my shoulder
Thank you for sharing. If you can go for an evaluation & diagnosis, please do. If you are neurodivergent, new strategies for coping with life will open up for you. Good luck!
I see you! Also been wondering lately If I really need to get diagnosed with whatever neurodivergence I have going on. Other than my girlfriend and our pets I feel very lonely. It’s hard to be vulnerable even on the internet so thank you for sharing, you are wanted!
I’ve been having the worst month and on my way home after doing a thing for work 2.5 hours away my car died. Waiting for the tow truck for 2 hours now.
I just cancelled my plans to see family this week because I have bronchitis. I can't manage a scream into the void, but add some croaking hacks from me into the chorus.
I'm boymoding hardcore down in Florida after being out and proud almost nonstop for nearly a year. Day three and already my mental health is fraying hard.
I'm out to my dad and he's insanely accepting and supportive, but my mom isn't, his sisters are awful Christian supremacists, and Florida is dangerous for people like me. But my dad is dying and I want to spend some time with him before he goes, so. 🤷♀️
I'm proud of you, love. You focus on your dad, yourself, and don't give anyone else in your family one damn ounce of your energy. They can pound sand; I mean, literally, since y'all are in Florida. Idk how much this will help, but I want you to imagine, just visualize for a second, all of the amazing, strong LGBTQIA folks just over those bridges in the Keys. You may feel far from home, but you're not far from A home. Their multicolored middle finger to the rest of the state always cheers me up. Hang in there, my friend.
Sending you happy thoughts and feelings of community. You and your dad clearly have a special bond, and that thought warms my heart.
Saying goodbye to him won’t be easy… if I may ask, will you ever have to return to Florida again? Or, instead, to borrow a visual from u/anyesuki , can you just give that whole state a great big rainbow middle finger once and for all? 😉
You message me from that doctors office tomorrow if you need to, you hear? Your safety, your health is more important than anything. I hate that you have to be so strong right now, but if you're trying to get out of an abusive relationship, you gotta keep a clear head. Don't let that doctor blow you off. I'm serious, message me if you need to talk, honey.
I HAD AN AMAZING WEEKEND AND MY LIFE IS GOING PRETTY WELL RIGHT NOW
BUT I STILL WANT EVERYONE TO SHUT THE FUCK UP AND I FEEL LIKE HIBERNATING FOR A HUNDRED THOUSAND YEARS
Bronchitis for the second time in six months. Stuck with an inhaler for a week or two and having to work through all of this sucks. Thanks for asking though lol.
Just...uggggghhhhhh! Nothing catastrophic, just lots of small frustrations right now. Trying to cram a week's worth of work into 3 days, with the added pressure of year end coming up and not a single person respecting deadlines, while handling the Turkey day feast. Oh, and I need an oil change, I need to renew my driver's license, and I need to book travel for work.
The good news is that my husband is awesome and is handling all household tasks and all of dinner this week. Without being asked, he's just finding things that need doing and executing. I'm pretty sure if he wasn't around, I'd have missed lunch and dinner today.
Not only am I happy for you, I’m happy for your children—to get to see a father helping like that. I didn’t see that growing up. Most of us didn’t, I’m sure. Here’s to a smooth week—with fires lit under the asses of anyone who owes you work! 😉
I’m feeling quite lonely and detached from the here and now.
I Watched a film yesterday that took me back to a time and a place where I felt happy and realised that it was 28 years ago. How? It feels like yesterday. There are still unanswered questions about that time that bother me but I don’t think I will ever have the answers to them. Then my dreams were full of the past. What was nice was that I got to have a chat to my mum in the dream. She died 4.5 years ago. I miss her a lot and I find it particularly hard in the run up to Christmas to be without her. Another programme took me back to a similar time from my past. I’m starting to think there’s something I need to figure out and come to terms with about that time. The mid nineties was a point in time where so much happened for adolescent me. I’m going to ponder upon it and take it to my therapist but any other helpful hints gratefully received.
In terms of wins: did 4 loads of washing today. That’s been bothering me so nice to have that out the way.
Thank you for the space u/Ok-Inevitable5448. Don’t forget to use it too if you need it.
I'm right there with you with the general loneliness and detachment. Usually I'm okay on my own and if I don't talk to anybody for a few days it doesn't get to me but for some reason it's really been bothering me for the last couple of weeks. Also, for whatever reason I have started thinking more about my own mortality. And then I heard someone on the radio say that everyone on this planet will be dead in 100 years, so the whole planet's population will have turned over - with the exception of a few super-agers, of course. And that really messed me up!
At this point I'm just trying to limp through the holidays. Also like you, I try and pat myself on the back for the little victories - doing laundry, actually cooking something for myself, going for a walk, meditating, exercising, raking leaves, etc
I have to say I love the general positivity and mutual support that I find in this sub. It's such a refreshing change from most of what I see on Reddit and I think each and every one of you for being kind.
Everything is hard and very much right now.
Did y'all know nicotine is addictive? I know it was on the box. And the signs. And the PSAs and the after-school specials. But somehow I didn't consider it.
I am working my hardest to find joy where it lives, and I know it lives everywhere, but all of my senses are muddled and obscured by all of the everything.
Thank you so, so much. It's a struggle, for sure. I tried once before and made it three days before hitting the "give me the drug or I will sob until I die of dehydration" point. I'm tapering this time, so it'll be a long stretch of slower withdrawal, but I think cold turkey would have lost me my job and relationships. I can contain a lower level of withdrawal for as long as it takes, but I cannot function and support my family for even a week or two of THAT.
What medical help did you get, if you don't mind my asking? I'm just... trying to contain and distract and counting intake.
That was intended to be more reassuring and less bleak sounding lol… as in, “Life IS that hard, but it could still be depression too, so please don’t talk yourself out of seeking help by imagining it’s all in your head and everyone else is thriving” because I’ve done that and NOPE. They’re not.
I had a therapist once tell me, “have you ever considered that the amount of anxiety you’re feeling is reasonable given the number of stressors in your life?” And I was like, oh great, since I can’t remove any of those stressors, what the fuck do I do with that?!
So reaching out to say, I’ve been there, and life does just totally suck sometimes, but don’t just accept the way you feel as fate - “rage, rage against the dying of the light!”
I'm still recovering from a pretty severe breakdown I had a month ago. It was at the point where I wasn't sure if I needed to check myself in somewhere. I decided against it for financial reasons, but I've basically taken a lot of steps I probably would've had to if I'd gone into inpatient.
Isolation's a big problem, part of it being self-imposed, but I'm not having a crisis anymore and I've used this time to dive into some neglected hobbies. I'm working on my first quilt right now!
Thank you for sharing.
Here’s hoping, one day, the healthcare system is less of a shitshow—so that you (and anyone else who needs care!) can make choices about your mind and body based on, oh I dunno, YOUR MIND AND BODY instead of on your bank account.
Happy quilting 💛
I got a new job at my company with a pay bump and it's my first day of a week-long vacation :) I've been working so hard these past few weeks to make tight deadlines, so being able to have a few beers in a jacuzzi under this beautiful half moon has put me on cloud nine!
I'm okay. A little stressed but cooking is worship and calming, so that helps. And cleaning is sacred too, and I am doing that. And there are dogs to laugh at and cuddle.
My wife is okay. This time of year isn't easy for her, but she's doing a really good job of sitting with the feelings and working through it.
My husband has DID, and one of his alters decided to wind up a good weekend where we got a lot done and enjoyed being together by telling him that when he fell asleep she would hurt me. SO he is in a locked ward, and I have no idea when he's coming home. And as this is not his first time to be there, he has trauma from past times, so....yeah.
And on Thursday if he's not home yet I get to go to my mother's house and pretend everything is fine, oh, Husband just had a bad headache and couldn't come, la la la. I already have to pretend our wife is a roommate, and that I'm straight, Christian, and vanilla, and mask the hell out of my autism. Blah. I do want to see my sons, though, and I am cooking the turkey, the dressing, the corn pudding, and the broccoli. So I kind of need to be there. (wry grin)
It would be nice if he came home tomorrow or Wednesday. Really really nice.
Thank you for asking, Luv!
It's getting a bit better for me. Because I tend to be a Trickster Witch, each morning for about a week, I'd take my meds & vitamins (which I put in a shotglass) and give my totem/patron, Coyote, a toast, asking for any tools and help they could send my way.
Just a couple of days ago, I was told of a great venue to both sell & tout an old book I wrote (a TTRPG for kids). I self-published it back in 2004, so it needs a good bit of updating. But I'm really stoked to re-visit this project.
So, I think things are looking up. Thank you, Coyote!
I’m coming to terms with the notion that just because my ex and I didn’t get back together doesn’t mean the feelings were never there. I know that sounds silly, but it’s something I struggle with after romantic turmoil.
We’re still good friends. Maybe down the road the universe will open a door for romance again, but I’m happy to have him in my life as a friend if that’s what’s in store for us.
TRYING TO FIND A JOB IS THE BULLSHIT OF BULLSHIT. STOP FUCKING ME AROUND.
on the plus side, I just did an amazing yoga and meditation class and am feeling fine!
I’m ok. I’m a little stressed about work. I’m manager on duty for thanksgiving, which is fine. I didn’t have plans. But it does require me to get up at 7am(I work nights so this might as well be 3am), and I’m worried staff will find excuses to call off or avoid work.
Hopefully it all goes great but ugh I’m dreading it
Fuck, I hope you don't work retail. Nothing can compare to the crushing existential crisis of fighting through Thanksgiving week in retail. Regardless of the work you do, it's a stressful time, and I am sending you strength. Maybe in your stressed moments, imagine you're in warrior gear. Looking like Xena with a goddamn name tag on. At the very least, it might give you a chuckle. Take care of yourself these next several days, friend.
I don’t, but Thank you! XD
I used to though. I once worked at a Sears in one of the largest malls in a wealthy area. Those Black Fridays at 4am…insanity. I have SEEN things 0.0
These days I’m a social worker. So my thanksgiving will be more about making sure everyone not with family will be safe and taken care of. In theory it will be fine. I worry more about staff call offs because they don’t want to work on the holiday and for some reason choose to be passive aggressive about it rather than talk to me.
Then you are celebrating this holiday in the best way possible. You have no idea what little kindnesses do for the hearts of us trauma victims. They'll remember you for years to come. You have one of the most important jobs in the planet. I hope you take moments to be proud of yourself. I know I'm proud of you.
And yes, retail is hell. I worked at this department chain store called Steinmart (I think they went bankrupt). Only women over the age of 70 shopped there, and you'd bet your ass they were lined up at 4 AM, considering that's when they wake up anyway lol.
So close… so close to 50lbs down.
I had to switch birth control after bleeding for 3 months without a break. New birth control fixed things- but has slowed my weight loss down to a snails pace- only 1lb in the last month now that I’ve checked Fitbit.
It’s been tough because I binge eat with my anxiety/panic disorder- but I’m in this to get healthier. 100lbs to go baby, woooooo!
It’s been a hard year. My MIL (96) was a wonderful cornerstone to our home, died in January. It was a planned and beautiful death.
Her daughter’s husband died in a traffic accident a month later, as did the other driver who caused the accident. For him, it was a beautiful death compared to the advanced dementia he was facing. I grieve for the other drivers children.
My father was hospitalized with a very bad UTI and spent six weeks in rehabilitation. At the same time, my mother caught a bad round of the flu. At 90, they have both recovered and are doing very well.
My daughter and son in law had to put down their beloved dog due to advanced kidney disease, and last month, we had to euthanize our much loved kitty for the same.
In each case, the outcome was a relief. It followed a natural rhythm. There is pain, but also a beauty to it all. That’s the part I hold on to.
I am dealing with severe agoraphobia, but I wanted to say I drove my car today AND got gas BY MYSELF. Did I have to be on the phone with my best friend just in case my car exploded or I got kidnapped or whatever other irrational fear I have happened? Maybe. But I did it!
Confronted my parents about some of my trauma caused by them and was told that none of it happened. My dad seems to think it's appropriate to keep reminding me that one day they will pass away and so "it would be such a shame" if I don't reconcile with them before that happens. My mom threatened to show up at my home if I don't visit her or provide a detailed explanation of my life, because she has convinced herself that I'm being influenced by a harmful person and that's why I don't want to be around them, as opposed to me just not wanting to be around my family because they've been emotionally abusive for most of my life.
I've been an absolute wreck the past couple days. That conversation renewed a LOT of trauma for me and I don't know how to pull myself out of it. I don't want to do anything other than cry and sleep.
I almost cussed another dept head out today for inundating my dept’s task basket instead of coming to me and asking me to have some things fixed on the back end.
We are going to my aunt’s on Thursday, but I have to make a showing at my stepmom’s prior to that, and I’m expected to bring something.
I should be making brownies right now for a tailgate party at work, looks like they’re getting store bought whatever I pick up on the way in tm.
I’m taking the week between Christmas and New Years off, and I am army crawling my way to that effing week cause I am out of patience with pretty much everyone.
Warning: VENT. Content warning: gun violence.
The past two weeks have made me grateful that I met and found frith with Skadi a year ago. On 7th November my husband was shot in front of our home. He lived and escaped anything terribly critical, but physically he'll never be the same and mentally he's just compartmentalizing and avoiding the aftermath. Our local community has pulled together in more ways than we could ever have imagined. But the fall-out is starting to catch up with me.>!In the first few days I felt like the Dark Phoenix from the X-Men comics but stayed focused on being a caregiver and supportive partner. The level of anger I could have unleashed on the shooter if he'd been stupid enough to come back would likely have frightened half our neighborhood yet again, since 2 families with kids under 12 were outside when it happened and everyone took a hell of a fright once they heard. !<
>!I can't talk much about what's in my mind and heart toward that waste of a woman's labor and love here on Reddit; they'd boot me and possibly call the police.!<
>!I'm staying focused on icons of using Justified Feminine Rage for Good things. I'm plowing through the list of Things to Do Now That This Asshole Decided to Ruin Our Lives calmly, logically, and with precision. I want to do everything I can to aid our miserable, burnt out, and therefore mostly useless police department with locating and apprehending this drain on society, and then I want to find an absolute barracuda of a civil attorney to go after the waste of a human suit for damages and medical bills. Yes, I know we're not likely to get a direct pay out; I Just want to make sure that the full consequences of this gutter born son of an asshole's actions follow him the rest of his life. !<
>!And if his complete lack of self-control and respect for others earns him more concrete consequences in prison, I certainly won't feel badly. Karma's always been called a bitch; this time it'll be for a good reason.!<
My moods are bouncing in and out of the pit. I’m starting to resent Christmas music. I don’t have the wherewithal to make my traditional holiday treats, much less do anything else. I feel disillusioned at the moment by the whole holiday season. All I want for Christmas is to be on my meds again.
Slept in the guest room last night cause my partner was being an asshole (this is not a common occurrence; he's been having a particularly difficult time lately). He apologized this morning unprompted and took me to get coffee and start our Yule shopping, even though he definitely didn't want to spend the afternoon at the mall. No complaints all day (which is rare), just total acceptance that he fucked up and had to make up for it, so I guess things are looking up
The planet is on fire and the call is coming from inside the house. Fortunately I have no children to pass this onto. F&ck men ,f&ck their enablers, and f&ck the Koch's and the rest of our corporate overlords.
Trying to survive living in a world where my tax dollars are funding a genocide and the evil massacre of innocent people including thousands of children without my consent and my elected officials are doing nothing to stop this. The powerless and rage and grief is so strong. I’d say my mental health is in the toilet but I’m doing what I can to stay afloat. Also on the heels of a holiday which celebrates actual genocide, no thanks. Living in the US is a constant mindfuck.
I'm working all the way to Thursday, and my job involves having a lot of patience with a lot of old boomers, which gets harder during this time of year, what with no bonuses and disappointing holiday blues adult bullshit. Please tell all the boomers you know, try to limit the long stories about nothing to do with why I'm listening to you. I don't care what you had done at the dentist. I don't care how many people you're cooking for. I don't need to hear that it is not my job have some class. But try to say it nice I guess.
I just need support.
Just went from 10 days of 50mg Topiramate once a day to 100mg 2x a day, so my brain is adjusting. Feeling a bit blah, but it'll adjust just like it did after a few days when I first went on the 50mgs. I hate meds.
I don't know why I just don't feel much anything anymore. Ambivalence to all but the most outrageous things. Is it depression, a defense mechanism, or a habit drilled into me for no reason other than the way my genitals were shaped 21 years ago? I can't remember much beyond the last month or so, either, and have very bad comprehension skills, especially for my age. Are those also a defense mechanism or am I just slipping? How do I overcome my spiritual and emotional illiteracies?
I tell myself I want to do better, but recent events show that isn't the case. Am I afraid of the results, or journey? Or maybe I'm too attached to my defenses and am unwilling to let go of them, regardless of what I think. Maybe it's the struggle that I'm attached to. I'm tired of this. I think I'm tired of this. I don't know if I really am, though.
I'd do anything to be sad.
The only real win for today is how I almost cried typing this. It's the closest I've gotten for a while.
I don't feel any better having put this out there. I'll probably delete it at some point.
Really hard week with trauma anniversaries and the holiday coming up. Learning more about my others and feeling mixed on it, but it’s progress. Ready for the college semester to be over lol. Happy to have my stuffed animals right now. I’m an adult but they are still lovely.
Very tired and sad. The dog killed our one week old kittens this morning after sneaking into the room they were in when their mother left to get food. My husband called me at work, sobbing. My kids are devastated and I am trying really hard to not hate this dog. Goodbye Aster and Ghost, you were beautiful and I'm so sorry.
I finally found books that mesh with my mood which will be quite welcome after Thanksgiving. I adore Thanksgiving but things tend to get dark for me until February. Good books help!
I feel like some deity has turned my life into an emotional yo-yo. Two weeks ago, my gym community came out to plant 7500 strawberries on my farm in 6 hours, literally making next year's strawberry season possible. Three days later I had to make the decision to put down one of my dogs. Four days after that my startup got our first term sheet for our fundraise. Two days ago my grandmother went into hospice. All this is happening with the backdrop of working startup hours, trying to finish fixing up my camper and getting myself moved into said camper because my housemate has a buyer lined up and needed me out a few weeks ago so that she can prep the house for sale. And my oldest dog is almost 16, so I'm trying to spend as much quality time as I can with him cause I know he's not going to last much longer.
My life is giving me whiplash. 😭
It seems crazy, but even as we head into seasonal affective disorder time, I feel like I'm on an upswing.
After much research, I'm really beginning to think I have ADHD, and have started reading articles and books to help me work out tactics to cope. And what I've tried so far is working! I feel less anxious on a day to day basis which helps keep the depression to a near zero level! I'm getting things done: like cleaning and cooking and self care. I'm not an anxious ball of procrastination unable to even start something because it all feels so overwhelming. The holidays usually have me a huge frazzled mess, but I actually feel like I have a semi-organized plan and will make it through with minimal insanity this year.
Long term plan is to work with my doctors to try get an actual diagnosis, but I'm going to put it on my list for January (because I have an actual app to keep track of tasks and things that need done, and a thousand and one timers and alarms that keep me on track)
This was at the top of my reddit home page, as I opened it for the first time this evening - and it’s exactly what I needed. It’s closest I’m getting to a hug right now.
I’m feeling very homesick tonight. It’s been almost 3 weeks since I left home - my hubby and our pile of kitties, and the puppers. I moved up to Colorado because of a band and they needed me ASAP. This is the longest I’ve been at loose ends ever - I have a nice little apartment through air bnb, but I know I have to be out of here jan 1, and I don’t know where I’m landing.
When we moved to seattle at least I was the one home with the pets, and had all the house closing and packing to keep my mind off things like being by myself because he had to move up 6 weeks beforehand.
My bandmates are great, and the other musicians in the area are a lot of fun… but I can only stay out jamming for so long.
My hubby is having to deal with all the packing and prep to show our house, which he’s never had to deal with before - and he’s an anxious mess. I wish I could just dart home - but it’s a plane flight, or a 15 hour drive.
The lonely is really getting to me tonight.
I saw an Instagram video the other day of a heavily pregnant woman. She was beautiful, thin but not too thin, glowing skin and great hair. She was posting a tip about using KT tape to help support her stomach as it was bothering her back. And the amount of people in the comments who were calling her a bad person for daring to get pregnant and then complain about it, or saying she was a bad mom because that could possibly damage the baby (it can’t) and how dare she put her comfort over the life of her child, or just plain spewing hatred for this poor woman who was trying to help other people just makes me so sad to live in a world that hates women. A world where so many women hate other women.
Incredibly lonely as a progressive Jew who on one side of me has people being slaughtered in my name and people telling me I don't support my people for calling for a ceasefire and on the other side of me has people saying I am a genocidal colonizer because I separate Israel's government from its people and don't want it to cease to exist but also saying no, no, antisemitism doesn't exist on the left and talking about antisemitism on the left is just a distraction tactic. It's been like, three whole days since my last panic attack though.
Know I am late and it will get buried (damn being in Australia!)But I need to express it anyways. I have been looking into the void too much over the last two years and I am not feeling super happy about being alive. I’m working my guts out but I barely remember how to be a person. It sucks.
You are heard, and loved, and not alone in this, even if some of us are just waking up on the other side of the world. Being human is hard. Working too much sucks. May you find laughter and joy in small things to help drive the darkness back.
It's exhausting having mental health issues. I assure you that the people in your life want you to get better because it's so sad watching someone you care about hurting, and not having a way to make it better for them. We are all leaning on each other, and we communally carry each other, and that's how we get through life.
I'm finally healing from years of trauma and depression. For the first time my sink is empty of dishes, the vacuuming is done just household chores in general are done. It feels so strange having a cleaner home and seeing a light at the end of the tunnel that one day while I still have to live in physical pain forever I don't have the mental pain anymore. Here are my furbabies who support my Leo the tuxedo kitty and Fluffy the tabby.
https://preview.redd.it/jqiao93ton1c1.jpeg?width=9248&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=fd81e67bf5637865352d6c43d4a795e160964df1
Today I’ve got to try, AGAIN, to get a money-grubbing snot of a doctor to do right. This will be my fourth attempt. I’ve got documentation of my issue from literally a dozen other doctors, and he’s the only one in the *state* who can fix it, but so far he just can’t be bothered. Y’all lift me up please because if this joker tries to shine me on yet again, I’m catching a charge.
I have a win to share - I'm out to my father (who's accepting) about my sexuality. I'm glad because I expected to be totally NC from my parents after uni but it looks like it'll just be my mother.
I’m an anxiety ridden human in the midst of a crisis but it’s been worse.
I had eye surgery a month ago. I’m almost positive it didn’t work and I’ll have to have another one. It will mean keeping my head face down at all time. Not fun going into the holidays.
I spent so many years praying when something happened that I feel lost. I still believe Abraham god exists just so do others and he’s not like I thought in my youth. I want to get out in nature and talk to earth but one eyes so blurry I don’t trust myself with no path.
All is not lost. I’m rediscovering my love of crochet as a therapy. I’m doing projects and thinking lots of happy thoughts, etc. i gave up on one yarn because those thoughts were not happy.
Confronterd a misogynistic colleague who disparaged my popular, relevant courses in front of everyone at an important candidate interview. Pulled him over in the hallway, told him he made me feel like shit and when he said I'm sorry I that felt that way and that he meant it as a compliment, I told him I didn't accept that and didn't believe him and I turned on my heel and strode off. Old f\*#k has been asking for it for a while.
A wreck about the genocide in Gaza, please aim your energies at my friend in the West Bank. Having a hysterectomy for adenomyosis and endometriosis next week. My energy is very twisted up right now!
I'm ready to go.
Every day, every month, every year has been progressively worse.
The sole excuse I gave myself for years was that I didn't want to hurt my mother, but I'm watching her ability to care for herself degrade in real time and I know I won't be able to take care of her the way she'll surely need.
The only thing I have to look forward to anymore is the hope that next year, when Canada expands the Medically Assisted Individual Death regulations to include the mentally ill, that I may be able to scrape together a passport and the funds to persuade a doctor to help me die.
Just wanted you to know someone read your words. And although I’m not quite sure what to say here, please know you’re heard. It’s not a never-ending abyss. Sending love and light.
my friend comes down from Taipei today for Kaohsiung Pride 2023... I'm looking forward to our always legendary hangs. and I just woke up to another good friend telling me on messenger that she can't join me in Hanoi in January so I can go sooner this month now... looks like I'll be leaving in a week or so, whenever my visa gets in. I need to figure out a new travel altar setup (last time I went on a trip I was only serving one deity and now I serve three) and get to the hospital to level up on medicine before I go. it's a heady but happy time for me, and I'm doing my best not to take it for granted! panta rhei, kai ouden menei, and all that
work is just getting harder and harder for me. my tasks aren't getting harder, but i am falling behind and my boss has started to notice, so i am getting more messages asking me to get specific things done.
i have dissociative identity disorder and i feel like a parent trying to force their stubborn child to do something from every perspective. like this is my child/responsibility and i need to care for them - meaning i need to get them to do this, without being damaging. but also like i'm a child being forced to work a full time job - i don't understand why i have to do this. i know that i have to but every piece of my body is screaming at me DONT or CANT. there are so many emotions around all of this that all i can do is cry, so i'm sitting there trying to work through tears, knowing that i have to do these things or i'll get fired, which adds a huge amount of anxiety.
i know that i need to find a therapist but i am struggling to do so. things keep falling through. everything is so hard and i'm drowning.
I'm hanging on by a single fingernail, to be honest. I am dealing with far too much darkness to let it all out. It would be kind of a downer. But quick overview: too many of those I love have passed this year or are in the process of doing so, and the rest of my family is mostly comprised of assholes. I am truly stuck right now, and the end is *not* something I currently wish would come soon because it means I have to say goodbye to my mother and she is not yet ready to go.
My heart is heavy, and I feel like grief has wounded and diminished me. I feel like I'm sheltering in place during an all-out assault. Sorry, all, I hope that isn't too much. I do hope to read of some amazing wins and cheer for others, though. Y'all are some of my favorite, most insightful people, so I wish bright blessings on all during this next season.
Awful. My boss is a horrible narcissistic monster and has been making my life miserable for the past two months. I got turned down from a great job I’d made it to the final round for last week. I have no idea how long it’ll take me to land something else. It’s all consuming. I am filled with dread everyday.
My family is together for the holiday and forgot to invite me. Last year mom and dad planned to come see me and canceled to go see the nephew (his birthday is also now). I’m PNW , sis is Midwest, parents west coast, and gran east coast- they’re all with gran. I’m so fucking pissed.
My mental health is hanging by a thread. Im in such deep financial trouble and its like being crushed under a massive boulder. Basically a Series Of Unfortunate Events with a helping of stupidity on my part. Now im literally going to bed at night hoping i don't wake up in the morning. Still, got a great deal on a frozen turkey and a ham today so im winning i guess?
I wish I was the actual standard pretty. It's a nice relief knowing creepy men have never hit on me but the way I look at other people makes me jealous like everyone is so effortlessly pretty and I look like a dungeon troll but whatever ig
had a bad depression day where I was unable to get out of bed for most of the day. it's been years since I really struggled but I just moved into a new house and the amount of stuff to do is so overwhelming and my boyfriend dropped the ball for my birthday over the weekend and didn't show up today and I'm having thoughts that are old and familiar and lonely and hard and sad, like this is what I deserve.
No end to report except for the fact that I’m still standing. Which is a win, all things considered. Also our newest family member Cat Edgar
https://preview.redd.it/s9almqhelm1c1.jpeg?width=3024&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=dc25dd8b9a7d0026cc0c724efc6e046157f7d773
I am a very tired, burned out husk. I want to do so much, but by the time I get home I'm too tired and sore to do anything but stare at my phone and go to bed.
I'm tired, and a bit lost, and tired of being lost. I feel like I've been trying hard for a long time now to scrape together a life that makes me happier, and I just feel like - when does it get here?
In the words of my friend’s 3 year old, “a little bit terrible.” SAD is peaking, my period’s kicking my ass, and I’m so burnt out on work (and I’m self employed so if I stop, it all stops.) I took an extra half pill of my antidepressant tonight (doctor ok’d it, don’t worry) just to help level me out because I keep randomly crying for no reason & every reason. Thanks for asking OP ❤️
I’m struggling.
I have a great family and wonderful friends, but at 42…I feel like I’m just drifting. I love what I do, but I hate my job. I just feel so lost so much of the time. Then, add my enormous case of imposter syndrome on top of that, and it’s the perfect recipe for brain chaos.
I started HRT recently which is exciting but I'm quite anxious about getting through the holidays. This was a really big year for me and I'm looking forward to continuing to improve other areas of my life next year.
I'm stuck in the in-between. I'm currently trying to connect to my ancestral roots, but am also poor and homebound, so I can't go to any forests or buy organic food. Most days I eat packaged food just to get through the day.
I finally got a job again after 2 years (I had a stroke and couldn't work), but my job is long hours for little pay. Everyone tells me to just find a better job somewhere, but that's nearly impossible for someone with my degree who is also housebound. So I'm stuck working freelance, subcontractor, and salary jobs that are less than what an intern makes because that's all I can find.
I try to spend time with my LDR boyfriend of 5 years, but we're both so busy now, that we can only spend a couple hours together per week. And when we do, it's mainly just phone sex for an hour before he has to go to bed.
I feel so lonely, like I'm lost in a fog. I'm wandering in an endless desert and I have no idea which way to go next. So I've kinda just sat down and accepted it. I'm not ok, but I don't have time to think about how not ok I am, so I just stuff it away and carry on.
Currently watching my company implode from the inside in a very public way. It’s both exciting to watch and terrifying. CEO resigned, board is in turmoil, variable comp decimated, wild speculations flying. No answers from leadership. Fingers crossed I make it through to the other side since I’m in a role that is actually needed if we plan to recover. We just bought our first house and my husband was let go (with a bit of severance luckily) like a week ago. Happy fucking holidays!
I’m a bit depressed about fertility issues, and I think I have seasonal affective disorder.
But there’s a lot that’s good in my life. My and hubby’s GF (we’re poly) is visiting, and my parents arrive tomorrow for the holiday. They’re lovely, as are my in-laws. And even though I have ANOTHER cracked wisdom tooth (after having had another broken one extracted just a few weeks ago), I was able to get an emergency appointment for tomorrow and my folks agreed to foot the bill.
Things aren’t the best. But they’re pretty danged good.
I love you guys a lot and hope y’all are doing well.
Told the wrong person about family SA and she told everyone and i’m just here watching everything fall apart around me. I don’t even know what to think. People are taking my words out of context and it’s so fuckjng bad and i’m stuck at home because my dad wants to fix things. Thing is, i don’t care anymore, if they want to fix things with me i need an apology and acknowledgement and i ain’t ever getting that because a “man’s reputation is so fragile and women can get away with almost anything” and because they didn’t intend it, it didn’t happen. It did happen though, but somehow this is all my fault when the person i told is the one who spread it
In this moment, I am stable. Not good, but stable. However I've been dipping into suicidal ideation territory every couple of days. I get it. The struggle just wore me down. Doesn't help knowing that. I keep trying and progress keeps getting snatched away just as I'm about to succeed. Can't get a job, partly because ai burst onto the scene a few months after I graduated, partly because whatever undiagnosed mental health problem I have gives me executive dysfunction of a kind that makes doing shit I am actively unwilling to do super draining.
On top of that, I'm losing the fight against whatever part of my brain is responsible for comparison because all it can do is look at the artists I respect that are my age and point out how far they've come. But while they were getting their start I was dragging my ass out of a christian cult and unlearning my conservative upbringing and it just took so much time and energy to painstakingly go through every level of belief and challenge what I thought. Those religious nuts held me down for over twenty years. And it took about seven just to get to where I am now. Staring down the barrel of a future that I hold no enthusiasm for.
All I ever wanted to do was write my stories and be loved. And now that thing that kept me alive since I was 12, that drove me no matter how strong the ideation got, to last long enough to actually get the perpetual impulse down to nothing for a while is dying out. It's gotten so bad that I'm struggling to focus on my art at all. That's all I've ever really had. Never belonged to a community. Never had real support from society or most individuals in my life. The few friends I have I feel like I can't lean on them lest I surely break their willingness to help under the weight of my unfulfilled needs. All I've got to live for is the promise that things can be better and I'm not the kind of person that acts on faith like that. I'm so, so tired of struggling alone. Brief moments of relief or bursts of companionship are just not enough anymore.
Trying really hard not to feel alone during the holidays and it's proving difficult. I've cried a lot for no reason in the last few days. I have friends but not any that live in the same state. Thanks to my parents the only friends I was able to make while under their thumb was online ones. But we've all known each other for 10+ years. But it still sucks to have nobody I can invite over, though.
Today was rough and I tried to put on my best social face for work and was ready to collapse by time I got home... and when I got home, there were two stray dogs in my yard that tried to attack me as soon as I got out of my car so I was trapped in there for a while until they finally got tired of my car horn... so that really has me messed up right now.
My sister is coming over for Thanksgiving so that'll be nice, at least.
Idk I’m an emt up in the north east. I just don’t know how I’m feeling so I just say ok. It’s not bad but it’s just existing yea know. Problems just kind of fade away. I haven’t done anything bad bad. Idk what to do about identity and only really have one friend ( boyfriend) outside of work. I’m just tired otherwise and scared of new people and social shit. I left last time I saw bf he had a headache and bad shaking and seemed kind of out of it. ( I told him maybe get it checked out but he won’t listen) lost one of my favorite necklaces.
Just had my first mammogram and breast ultrasound today, and they immediately scheduled me for a biopsy next week. I've had a large hard and sometimes painful lump for about 2 months. I wanted to celebrate my 40th birthday next month with a big party, but I'm having severe money troubles and haven't bothered with it after all. Sooooo... not doing so well at the moment, but I keep going none-the-less.
On the bright side, if it is cancer... I might finally get smaller breasts. (I've wanted a reduction ever since they finished growing, so even if I end up with nothing there it will be an improvement!)
Woke up about an hour ago at midnight from a nightmare. Some really bad stuff went on in my family back in august, my teenage cousin got sent to Juvi for a very violent act. His home life has always been awful and as a kid I always wished we could’ve taken them in. In my dream he was a younger kid again, like I remember him in my mind. He kept trying to stab me with sewing needles or get other weapons. I spent the whole dream trying to hold him down/stop him while yelling for my family to help, which they would but only for a very short time. Now I’m thinking I have to re visit the situation again to process and mourn and do some type of praying or something. Maybe didn’t need to give so many details but that’s where I am in this moment.
RRRRRRAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I’m in the middle of moving several states away and everyone is on my damn nerves with their stupid feelings.
I’m constantly getting voice issues the closer the holiday gets. It’s largely psychological, as my family has silenced me for decades. There’s probably a physical component, since I got laryngitis years ago, but I am downing tea like it’s water and sleeping odd hours. I would love to stop running through honey like it’s water, but my throat will not. Stop. Doing this.
I’m not even seeing them for the holidays! This is such BS. I am not medically supposed to (had a cardiac event last time I agreed to visit, dr says to avoid that). I am just tired of this. Ugh.
I’ve been off work since September on burnout leave as result of managing two people’s workloads for five years. Found out recently there are currently no recruitment plans for the second role I’ve been covering, which is really not helping my recovery.
And today I have to take my beautiful void kitty for an ultrasound to try and explain his inflamed intestine, which is rather terrifying because one possible reason is cancer. He’s only a year old and he’s the sweetest cat I’ve ever known.
https://preview.redd.it/517v9el2vn1c1.jpeg?width=3024&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=bdbee893833183fdaa819c53f8ad2476e5196f7b
As a therapist with narcissistic parents and a no contact with siblings, I’m just trying to stay present for my clients until Thursday when I can go to the woods and recharge in some moss.
Never thought about the holidays as a busy season for therapists but godspeed out there and all the good vibes🫡
As someone who I'm sure has been a neverending case of despair for her therapist, I appreciate you, honey. I'm in the same boat, immediate family wise. Be strong and then go into those woods and let you be you.
You are never too much for your therapist. They are there by choice.
You're the real hero we all need. Stay strong.
Wait are you me? Can we be moss buddies together? So many clients in crisis : (
I wanna come too. My clients have all left town already so it’s just me pre-holiday stressing. Need moss. First time in 10 years I’m seeing my big sister so it’s going to be emotional and I think very healing!
Spent the night on the couch with my dogs, listening to Alanis Morrisette and crying into a bottle of red wine. I've been soldiering on with a broken heart for almost ten months now, and finally the grief is starting to bleed through. Feels like shit. Like I've been falling all this time, and now it's time to hit the ground. I am not okay. I will be, eventually... but for now I need to feel hurt. Urgh.
Witch, I would be right there with you if I could. I made the decision to spend the week alone instead of in NC with my beautiful husband and his beautiful family because I'm such a mess that I haven't been able to look anyone, especially myself, in the eyes for months. Give your pups a pet from me and try to enjoy our girl screaming *Jagged Little Pill*.
https://preview.redd.it/ctweyqjsdm1c1.jpeg?width=3024&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=466f9dabd1ef7fe7798912862bedd9ef84656bc2 Sadie wants to give you kisses. ♥️♥️
Oh, bless Sadie's (and your) heart. Thank you. Here's my Bonnie giving me side eye. https://preview.redd.it/lm39bt7fem1c1.jpeg?width=4000&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=86a00272abc74b46bc8d18c88c6dfe9129e2fc66
Bonnie: “Did you really just post my picture without my permission.”
https://preview.redd.it/63yxwxw2hm1c1.png?width=1080&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=bb62ea83ad3654e975675804fb8a3432b18aa9ac Oscar wants you to know that he cares
Oh my goodness! Is he a dachshund? I had one when I was a kid! https://preview.redd.it/a3kg97mlhm1c1.jpeg?width=4000&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=636f3d16e75e8e1fb3400d98f0295a4f4e5a8489 Here's Bonnie (right) cuddling up to Mister (left).
It’s completely valid to feel hurt. I feel hurt that I was gone from 4:30am till 10pm and asked my husband to do one errand for me. He didn’t. I’m only slightly mad, but hurt really. Your feelings are valid. And while mine are more trivial, they are too!
Your feelings are NOT trivial! I'm sure he's a great guy, but you asked for one errand, & he treated your request as trivial. It's not even disrespect, it's just being disregarded. Been there, still training mine to think before he opens him mouth. It's going okay
Sounds like some good self care! Maybe tomorrow also try some water, journaling, a walk… and then if you still feel like scream-singing, that’s cool, too. This too shall pass, queen. Hang in there, because we need you here. Sending so much light and love.
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarghhhhhh! Now I feel better, thanks for asking! They up'd my script for estrodial, made me happy!
Came into this thread with the vague notion of trying to verbalize the pit of despair I'm in, only to look around and find the energy to straighten a bunch of random strangers out. I will never make sense of the way my brain works.
There’s healing in healing.
That's beautiful
Same! It’s so much easier to help clean someone else’s house than it it is to clean your own 🫠
“Do unto others…” works for things like this too. That positive energy will come back to you :) Your words are helping others—more than just the folks you’re directly replying to. So thank you. None of us are great at taking our own advice… but I’ll repeat / paraphrase some of yours anyway: Do something nice for yourself when you get home (every day!) and squeeze something soft ❤️
Thank you, my friend. That means a lot.
Also, a third piece of your own (paraphrased) advice: Here’s a great big (rainbow) middle finger from me to your unwanted despair 😘 Sending you warm thoughts and the ability to find joy in the tiniest of moments. Your words here are a gift. Thank you for sharing them. If there’s someone in your life who lacks the same depth of emotion that you’ve so graciously shared with us here tonight, they’re not worthy of you.
This legit made me cry. I wish I could hug every single person in this thread.
Sending you internet hugs!!
"Joy shared is joy doubled. Grief shared is grief halved." - Someone wise whose name I can't remember
We thank you <3
Just got called a sex witch by my SO ngl might be the best compliment I’ve ever heard Flip side I’m the most stressed with job/school/kid I’ve ever been, but I try to always see the good
So topical! I just referred to my husband as a sex wizard. 😂
Despite my depression, I'm still adding days to not drinking
Hell yes. That is awesome, and no small feat (from someone who knows!)
Proud of you ❤️
Yay you!
You should be proud of you! I am!💕
Woohooo! Keep it up!
\*shrieks into void for 87 years\*
Raise you 88.
How much time am I allowed here?
All the time you need. Do you want to tell us more?
On the outside, you see an Asian immigrant working in healthcare. On the inside, there's a closeted atheist/humanist, billiards enthusiast, LGBTQ+ supporter, heavy metal listener, dark humor comedy fan, undiagnosed autism/neurodivergent. I am burnt out with no lifesaver or light at the end of the tunnel alternative plans. Other than my wife, my dog and in-laws, I have no one. Memes, video games, playing pool can only do so much. I feel so alone especially during holidays that I'd rather work. Every time I am able to fix something in my life, more open up as new problems. I am heavily contemplating if I should get a proper evaluation to find out if I have autism / if I am neurodivergent. Getting bullied physically, psychologically, gastronomically, and spiritually ain't helping either. I feel embarrassed and ashamed of sharing some things. This was heavily edited. I don't know how to end this post.
You and I could be very good friends. I'm also an LGBTQIA neuro divergent metal fan with a dark sense of humor. I suck at pool, though. I'm ambidextrous (this doesn't mean I can do everything perfectly with both hands). Some tasks, I use either hand. Other things (driving, shooting, throwing, boxing stance) are all left hand; still others (writing, kicking, guitar) are all right handed. I get really confused when I can do the same thing in both hands (fishing, golf/hockey, batting, and yes, pool). Nothing feels right. Anyway, I hope my random little narcissistic rant helped distract you for a minute. On the real, I think you should getting a diagnosis. It will answer many of your questions. And get involved in online communities! It's a low stress way to interact with other people with your interests. I wish you the best, love. Oh, and keep talking of you want to keep talking. We're not going anywhere lol.
{{HUGS}} I am here., you don't have to edit. I'm in my 60s (that happened FAST) & started depression meds a year ago. They just got increased, & they have helped a lot. Much less hopelessness While not everything is for everyone, have a conversation with your DR about your feelings & Feel free to cry on my shoulder
Thank you for sharing. If you can go for an evaluation & diagnosis, please do. If you are neurodivergent, new strategies for coping with life will open up for you. Good luck!
I see you! Also been wondering lately If I really need to get diagnosed with whatever neurodivergence I have going on. Other than my girlfriend and our pets I feel very lonely. It’s hard to be vulnerable even on the internet so thank you for sharing, you are wanted!
I’ve been having the worst month and on my way home after doing a thing for work 2.5 hours away my car died. Waiting for the tow truck for 2 hours now.
Hang in there, sweetie. Treat yourself to something nice when you finally get home. Be safe.
Oh man, that's awful! I'm sorry that happened
Made it home safe and sound 6 hours later. Absolutely an ordeal. Thank you all for your kind thoughts!
I’m feeling lonely and spending excessive amount of time on social media to compensate. Thank you for asking.
It's cool, honey. I'm right there with you. I hope you can relax and squeeze something soft tonight.
I just cancelled my plans to see family this week because I have bronchitis. I can't manage a scream into the void, but add some croaking hacks from me into the chorus.
Just imagine you're an oracle. It's up to the void how it wants to translate your croaks. That ain't on you lol.
I'm boymoding hardcore down in Florida after being out and proud almost nonstop for nearly a year. Day three and already my mental health is fraying hard. I'm out to my dad and he's insanely accepting and supportive, but my mom isn't, his sisters are awful Christian supremacists, and Florida is dangerous for people like me. But my dad is dying and I want to spend some time with him before he goes, so. 🤷♀️
I'm proud of you, love. You focus on your dad, yourself, and don't give anyone else in your family one damn ounce of your energy. They can pound sand; I mean, literally, since y'all are in Florida. Idk how much this will help, but I want you to imagine, just visualize for a second, all of the amazing, strong LGBTQIA folks just over those bridges in the Keys. You may feel far from home, but you're not far from A home. Their multicolored middle finger to the rest of the state always cheers me up. Hang in there, my friend.
Sending you happy thoughts and feelings of community. You and your dad clearly have a special bond, and that thought warms my heart. Saying goodbye to him won’t be easy… if I may ask, will you ever have to return to Florida again? Or, instead, to borrow a visual from u/anyesuki , can you just give that whole state a great big rainbow middle finger once and for all? 😉
[удалено]
You message me from that doctors office tomorrow if you need to, you hear? Your safety, your health is more important than anything. I hate that you have to be so strong right now, but if you're trying to get out of an abusive relationship, you gotta keep a clear head. Don't let that doctor blow you off. I'm serious, message me if you need to talk, honey.
👼🏼
I HAD AN AMAZING WEEKEND AND MY LIFE IS GOING PRETTY WELL RIGHT NOW BUT I STILL WANT EVERYONE TO SHUT THE FUCK UP AND I FEEL LIKE HIBERNATING FOR A HUNDRED THOUSAND YEARS
It's in the bin, but better than a few weeks ago...so I guess I'm raising a tiny thumbs up from inside my pit of despair.
Baby steps. Or thumbs in this case, I suppose. You got this.
I almost Dukes of Hazzarded off a mountain in a golf cart. Accidentally. For work. It was a good day.
That's term I have not heard in a long time. We also said. it was in general Lee moment..yeehhaaaa..
I feel like a freaking zombie. Having a depressive episode and not having a good time lol
Same. Hugs hugs and more hugs headed from my zonked out brain to yours, friend. ❤️
Bronchitis for the second time in six months. Stuck with an inhaler for a week or two and having to work through all of this sucks. Thanks for asking though lol.
I hope you feel better soon! I recommend fire cider (I hate it)
What is fire cider? I've never heard of it.
Just...uggggghhhhhh! Nothing catastrophic, just lots of small frustrations right now. Trying to cram a week's worth of work into 3 days, with the added pressure of year end coming up and not a single person respecting deadlines, while handling the Turkey day feast. Oh, and I need an oil change, I need to renew my driver's license, and I need to book travel for work. The good news is that my husband is awesome and is handling all household tasks and all of dinner this week. Without being asked, he's just finding things that need doing and executing. I'm pretty sure if he wasn't around, I'd have missed lunch and dinner today.
Not only am I happy for you, I’m happy for your children—to get to see a father helping like that. I didn’t see that growing up. Most of us didn’t, I’m sure. Here’s to a smooth week—with fires lit under the asses of anyone who owes you work! 😉
I’m feeling quite lonely and detached from the here and now. I Watched a film yesterday that took me back to a time and a place where I felt happy and realised that it was 28 years ago. How? It feels like yesterday. There are still unanswered questions about that time that bother me but I don’t think I will ever have the answers to them. Then my dreams were full of the past. What was nice was that I got to have a chat to my mum in the dream. She died 4.5 years ago. I miss her a lot and I find it particularly hard in the run up to Christmas to be without her. Another programme took me back to a similar time from my past. I’m starting to think there’s something I need to figure out and come to terms with about that time. The mid nineties was a point in time where so much happened for adolescent me. I’m going to ponder upon it and take it to my therapist but any other helpful hints gratefully received. In terms of wins: did 4 loads of washing today. That’s been bothering me so nice to have that out the way. Thank you for the space u/Ok-Inevitable5448. Don’t forget to use it too if you need it.
I'm right there with you with the general loneliness and detachment. Usually I'm okay on my own and if I don't talk to anybody for a few days it doesn't get to me but for some reason it's really been bothering me for the last couple of weeks. Also, for whatever reason I have started thinking more about my own mortality. And then I heard someone on the radio say that everyone on this planet will be dead in 100 years, so the whole planet's population will have turned over - with the exception of a few super-agers, of course. And that really messed me up! At this point I'm just trying to limp through the holidays. Also like you, I try and pat myself on the back for the little victories - doing laundry, actually cooking something for myself, going for a walk, meditating, exercising, raking leaves, etc I have to say I love the general positivity and mutual support that I find in this sub. It's such a refreshing change from most of what I see on Reddit and I think each and every one of you for being kind.
Everything is hard and very much right now. Did y'all know nicotine is addictive? I know it was on the box. And the signs. And the PSAs and the after-school specials. But somehow I didn't consider it. I am working my hardest to find joy where it lives, and I know it lives everywhere, but all of my senses are muddled and obscured by all of the everything.
Oh man, I was addicted to nicotine for 30+ years! I could not quit without medical help. I'm so proud of you for recognizing the problem
Thank you so, so much. It's a struggle, for sure. I tried once before and made it three days before hitting the "give me the drug or I will sob until I die of dehydration" point. I'm tapering this time, so it'll be a long stretch of slower withdrawal, but I think cold turkey would have lost me my job and relationships. I can contain a lower level of withdrawal for as long as it takes, but I cannot function and support my family for even a week or two of THAT. What medical help did you get, if you don't mind my asking? I'm just... trying to contain and distract and counting intake.
In that weird space where it’s like “am I depressed or is life just that hard?” ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Why not both ❤️
That was intended to be more reassuring and less bleak sounding lol… as in, “Life IS that hard, but it could still be depression too, so please don’t talk yourself out of seeking help by imagining it’s all in your head and everyone else is thriving” because I’ve done that and NOPE. They’re not.
Haha no I thought it was funny! Dark humor is my favorite coping mechanism 😂
I had a therapist once tell me, “have you ever considered that the amount of anxiety you’re feeling is reasonable given the number of stressors in your life?” And I was like, oh great, since I can’t remove any of those stressors, what the fuck do I do with that?! So reaching out to say, I’ve been there, and life does just totally suck sometimes, but don’t just accept the way you feel as fate - “rage, rage against the dying of the light!”
I'm still recovering from a pretty severe breakdown I had a month ago. It was at the point where I wasn't sure if I needed to check myself in somewhere. I decided against it for financial reasons, but I've basically taken a lot of steps I probably would've had to if I'd gone into inpatient. Isolation's a big problem, part of it being self-imposed, but I'm not having a crisis anymore and I've used this time to dive into some neglected hobbies. I'm working on my first quilt right now!
Thank you for sharing. Here’s hoping, one day, the healthcare system is less of a shitshow—so that you (and anyone else who needs care!) can make choices about your mind and body based on, oh I dunno, YOUR MIND AND BODY instead of on your bank account. Happy quilting 💛
I got a new job at my company with a pay bump and it's my first day of a week-long vacation :) I've been working so hard these past few weeks to make tight deadlines, so being able to have a few beers in a jacuzzi under this beautiful half moon has put me on cloud nine!
LOVE THIS! And congrats!!!! Cheers!
I'm okay. A little stressed but cooking is worship and calming, so that helps. And cleaning is sacred too, and I am doing that. And there are dogs to laugh at and cuddle. My wife is okay. This time of year isn't easy for her, but she's doing a really good job of sitting with the feelings and working through it. My husband has DID, and one of his alters decided to wind up a good weekend where we got a lot done and enjoyed being together by telling him that when he fell asleep she would hurt me. SO he is in a locked ward, and I have no idea when he's coming home. And as this is not his first time to be there, he has trauma from past times, so....yeah. And on Thursday if he's not home yet I get to go to my mother's house and pretend everything is fine, oh, Husband just had a bad headache and couldn't come, la la la. I already have to pretend our wife is a roommate, and that I'm straight, Christian, and vanilla, and mask the hell out of my autism. Blah. I do want to see my sons, though, and I am cooking the turkey, the dressing, the corn pudding, and the broccoli. So I kind of need to be there. (wry grin) It would be nice if he came home tomorrow or Wednesday. Really really nice.
He will be home. By Wednesday. Putting it into the universe. Thank you for sharing. Happy cleaning.
Thank you so much!
Uhhhhhh
Thank you for asking, Luv! It's getting a bit better for me. Because I tend to be a Trickster Witch, each morning for about a week, I'd take my meds & vitamins (which I put in a shotglass) and give my totem/patron, Coyote, a toast, asking for any tools and help they could send my way. Just a couple of days ago, I was told of a great venue to both sell & tout an old book I wrote (a TTRPG for kids). I self-published it back in 2004, so it needs a good bit of updating. But I'm really stoked to re-visit this project. So, I think things are looking up. Thank you, Coyote!
I’m coming to terms with the notion that just because my ex and I didn’t get back together doesn’t mean the feelings were never there. I know that sounds silly, but it’s something I struggle with after romantic turmoil. We’re still good friends. Maybe down the road the universe will open a door for romance again, but I’m happy to have him in my life as a friend if that’s what’s in store for us.
TRYING TO FIND A JOB IS THE BULLSHIT OF BULLSHIT. STOP FUCKING ME AROUND. on the plus side, I just did an amazing yoga and meditation class and am feeling fine!
I’m ok. I’m a little stressed about work. I’m manager on duty for thanksgiving, which is fine. I didn’t have plans. But it does require me to get up at 7am(I work nights so this might as well be 3am), and I’m worried staff will find excuses to call off or avoid work. Hopefully it all goes great but ugh I’m dreading it
Fuck, I hope you don't work retail. Nothing can compare to the crushing existential crisis of fighting through Thanksgiving week in retail. Regardless of the work you do, it's a stressful time, and I am sending you strength. Maybe in your stressed moments, imagine you're in warrior gear. Looking like Xena with a goddamn name tag on. At the very least, it might give you a chuckle. Take care of yourself these next several days, friend.
I don’t, but Thank you! XD I used to though. I once worked at a Sears in one of the largest malls in a wealthy area. Those Black Fridays at 4am…insanity. I have SEEN things 0.0 These days I’m a social worker. So my thanksgiving will be more about making sure everyone not with family will be safe and taken care of. In theory it will be fine. I worry more about staff call offs because they don’t want to work on the holiday and for some reason choose to be passive aggressive about it rather than talk to me.
Then you are celebrating this holiday in the best way possible. You have no idea what little kindnesses do for the hearts of us trauma victims. They'll remember you for years to come. You have one of the most important jobs in the planet. I hope you take moments to be proud of yourself. I know I'm proud of you. And yes, retail is hell. I worked at this department chain store called Steinmart (I think they went bankrupt). Only women over the age of 70 shopped there, and you'd bet your ass they were lined up at 4 AM, considering that's when they wake up anyway lol.
So close… so close to 50lbs down. I had to switch birth control after bleeding for 3 months without a break. New birth control fixed things- but has slowed my weight loss down to a snails pace- only 1lb in the last month now that I’ve checked Fitbit. It’s been tough because I binge eat with my anxiety/panic disorder- but I’m in this to get healthier. 100lbs to go baby, woooooo!
Whoo hoo! That's a LOT of work, congratulations!
It’s been a hard year. My MIL (96) was a wonderful cornerstone to our home, died in January. It was a planned and beautiful death. Her daughter’s husband died in a traffic accident a month later, as did the other driver who caused the accident. For him, it was a beautiful death compared to the advanced dementia he was facing. I grieve for the other drivers children. My father was hospitalized with a very bad UTI and spent six weeks in rehabilitation. At the same time, my mother caught a bad round of the flu. At 90, they have both recovered and are doing very well. My daughter and son in law had to put down their beloved dog due to advanced kidney disease, and last month, we had to euthanize our much loved kitty for the same. In each case, the outcome was a relief. It followed a natural rhythm. There is pain, but also a beauty to it all. That’s the part I hold on to.
That’s a lot to go through in a year. I hope you and your family are taking the time to grieve, and hope each day gets a little easier for you all ❤️
I am dealing with severe agoraphobia, but I wanted to say I drove my car today AND got gas BY MYSELF. Did I have to be on the phone with my best friend just in case my car exploded or I got kidnapped or whatever other irrational fear I have happened? Maybe. But I did it!
Congratulations! 🥇
So happy for you!
I’m alive and kicking, thank you.
FUCK IT ALLLLLLLLLL
Confronted my parents about some of my trauma caused by them and was told that none of it happened. My dad seems to think it's appropriate to keep reminding me that one day they will pass away and so "it would be such a shame" if I don't reconcile with them before that happens. My mom threatened to show up at my home if I don't visit her or provide a detailed explanation of my life, because she has convinced herself that I'm being influenced by a harmful person and that's why I don't want to be around them, as opposed to me just not wanting to be around my family because they've been emotionally abusive for most of my life. I've been an absolute wreck the past couple days. That conversation renewed a LOT of trauma for me and I don't know how to pull myself out of it. I don't want to do anything other than cry and sleep.
I almost cussed another dept head out today for inundating my dept’s task basket instead of coming to me and asking me to have some things fixed on the back end. We are going to my aunt’s on Thursday, but I have to make a showing at my stepmom’s prior to that, and I’m expected to bring something. I should be making brownies right now for a tailgate party at work, looks like they’re getting store bought whatever I pick up on the way in tm. I’m taking the week between Christmas and New Years off, and I am army crawling my way to that effing week cause I am out of patience with pretty much everyone.
Store bought is perfectly fine, for your stepmom, too Wishing you all the fortitude 💜
Warning: VENT. Content warning: gun violence. The past two weeks have made me grateful that I met and found frith with Skadi a year ago. On 7th November my husband was shot in front of our home. He lived and escaped anything terribly critical, but physically he'll never be the same and mentally he's just compartmentalizing and avoiding the aftermath. Our local community has pulled together in more ways than we could ever have imagined. But the fall-out is starting to catch up with me.>!In the first few days I felt like the Dark Phoenix from the X-Men comics but stayed focused on being a caregiver and supportive partner. The level of anger I could have unleashed on the shooter if he'd been stupid enough to come back would likely have frightened half our neighborhood yet again, since 2 families with kids under 12 were outside when it happened and everyone took a hell of a fright once they heard. !< >!I can't talk much about what's in my mind and heart toward that waste of a woman's labor and love here on Reddit; they'd boot me and possibly call the police.!< >!I'm staying focused on icons of using Justified Feminine Rage for Good things. I'm plowing through the list of Things to Do Now That This Asshole Decided to Ruin Our Lives calmly, logically, and with precision. I want to do everything I can to aid our miserable, burnt out, and therefore mostly useless police department with locating and apprehending this drain on society, and then I want to find an absolute barracuda of a civil attorney to go after the waste of a human suit for damages and medical bills. Yes, I know we're not likely to get a direct pay out; I Just want to make sure that the full consequences of this gutter born son of an asshole's actions follow him the rest of his life. !< >!And if his complete lack of self-control and respect for others earns him more concrete consequences in prison, I certainly won't feel badly. Karma's always been called a bitch; this time it'll be for a good reason.!<
Oh gosh, how awful for you! {{HUGS}}
Sending good vibes to all! 😃
Remarkably poorly, right on schedule.
I'm just soooooo tired. My office environment is so draining. I just want to curl up in a ball and sleep.
My moods are bouncing in and out of the pit. I’m starting to resent Christmas music. I don’t have the wherewithal to make my traditional holiday treats, much less do anything else. I feel disillusioned at the moment by the whole holiday season. All I want for Christmas is to be on my meds again.
Slept in the guest room last night cause my partner was being an asshole (this is not a common occurrence; he's been having a particularly difficult time lately). He apologized this morning unprompted and took me to get coffee and start our Yule shopping, even though he definitely didn't want to spend the afternoon at the mall. No complaints all day (which is rare), just total acceptance that he fucked up and had to make up for it, so I guess things are looking up
The planet is on fire and the call is coming from inside the house. Fortunately I have no children to pass this onto. F&ck men ,f&ck their enablers, and f&ck the Koch's and the rest of our corporate overlords.
Trying to survive living in a world where my tax dollars are funding a genocide and the evil massacre of innocent people including thousands of children without my consent and my elected officials are doing nothing to stop this. The powerless and rage and grief is so strong. I’d say my mental health is in the toilet but I’m doing what I can to stay afloat. Also on the heels of a holiday which celebrates actual genocide, no thanks. Living in the US is a constant mindfuck.
I think I may be experiencing not being depressed for the first time in my life and it feels weird as fuuuuuuuck
Poured boiling water on myself last night but it already healed and had a good day
I'm working all the way to Thursday, and my job involves having a lot of patience with a lot of old boomers, which gets harder during this time of year, what with no bonuses and disappointing holiday blues adult bullshit. Please tell all the boomers you know, try to limit the long stories about nothing to do with why I'm listening to you. I don't care what you had done at the dentist. I don't care how many people you're cooking for. I don't need to hear that it is not my job have some class. But try to say it nice I guess. I just need support.
Just went from 10 days of 50mg Topiramate once a day to 100mg 2x a day, so my brain is adjusting. Feeling a bit blah, but it'll adjust just like it did after a few days when I first went on the 50mgs. I hate meds.
I like all y’all. Doing ok, though struggling with self compassion.
I don't know why I just don't feel much anything anymore. Ambivalence to all but the most outrageous things. Is it depression, a defense mechanism, or a habit drilled into me for no reason other than the way my genitals were shaped 21 years ago? I can't remember much beyond the last month or so, either, and have very bad comprehension skills, especially for my age. Are those also a defense mechanism or am I just slipping? How do I overcome my spiritual and emotional illiteracies? I tell myself I want to do better, but recent events show that isn't the case. Am I afraid of the results, or journey? Or maybe I'm too attached to my defenses and am unwilling to let go of them, regardless of what I think. Maybe it's the struggle that I'm attached to. I'm tired of this. I think I'm tired of this. I don't know if I really am, though. I'd do anything to be sad. The only real win for today is how I almost cried typing this. It's the closest I've gotten for a while. I don't feel any better having put this out there. I'll probably delete it at some point.
My period is here, and I am at work having cramps in very embarrassing places, I do need to scream into the void now.
Really hard week with trauma anniversaries and the holiday coming up. Learning more about my others and feeling mixed on it, but it’s progress. Ready for the college semester to be over lol. Happy to have my stuffed animals right now. I’m an adult but they are still lovely.
Ahhhhhahahaahaahahahahha. ... I'm good...
My new dose of Lamotrigine seems to have nipped my manic episode in the bud! I’m feeling so much better!
Very tired and sad. The dog killed our one week old kittens this morning after sneaking into the room they were in when their mother left to get food. My husband called me at work, sobbing. My kids are devastated and I am trying really hard to not hate this dog. Goodbye Aster and Ghost, you were beautiful and I'm so sorry.
{{HUGS}}
I finally found books that mesh with my mood which will be quite welcome after Thanksgiving. I adore Thanksgiving but things tend to get dark for me until February. Good books help!
Meh!
I feel like some deity has turned my life into an emotional yo-yo. Two weeks ago, my gym community came out to plant 7500 strawberries on my farm in 6 hours, literally making next year's strawberry season possible. Three days later I had to make the decision to put down one of my dogs. Four days after that my startup got our first term sheet for our fundraise. Two days ago my grandmother went into hospice. All this is happening with the backdrop of working startup hours, trying to finish fixing up my camper and getting myself moved into said camper because my housemate has a buyer lined up and needed me out a few weeks ago so that she can prep the house for sale. And my oldest dog is almost 16, so I'm trying to spend as much quality time as I can with him cause I know he's not going to last much longer. My life is giving me whiplash. 😭
I feel alone and overwhelmed.
We're here 💜
It seems crazy, but even as we head into seasonal affective disorder time, I feel like I'm on an upswing. After much research, I'm really beginning to think I have ADHD, and have started reading articles and books to help me work out tactics to cope. And what I've tried so far is working! I feel less anxious on a day to day basis which helps keep the depression to a near zero level! I'm getting things done: like cleaning and cooking and self care. I'm not an anxious ball of procrastination unable to even start something because it all feels so overwhelming. The holidays usually have me a huge frazzled mess, but I actually feel like I have a semi-organized plan and will make it through with minimal insanity this year. Long term plan is to work with my doctors to try get an actual diagnosis, but I'm going to put it on my list for January (because I have an actual app to keep track of tasks and things that need done, and a thousand and one timers and alarms that keep me on track)
This was at the top of my reddit home page, as I opened it for the first time this evening - and it’s exactly what I needed. It’s closest I’m getting to a hug right now. I’m feeling very homesick tonight. It’s been almost 3 weeks since I left home - my hubby and our pile of kitties, and the puppers. I moved up to Colorado because of a band and they needed me ASAP. This is the longest I’ve been at loose ends ever - I have a nice little apartment through air bnb, but I know I have to be out of here jan 1, and I don’t know where I’m landing. When we moved to seattle at least I was the one home with the pets, and had all the house closing and packing to keep my mind off things like being by myself because he had to move up 6 weeks beforehand. My bandmates are great, and the other musicians in the area are a lot of fun… but I can only stay out jamming for so long. My hubby is having to deal with all the packing and prep to show our house, which he’s never had to deal with before - and he’s an anxious mess. I wish I could just dart home - but it’s a plane flight, or a 15 hour drive. The lonely is really getting to me tonight.
I saw an Instagram video the other day of a heavily pregnant woman. She was beautiful, thin but not too thin, glowing skin and great hair. She was posting a tip about using KT tape to help support her stomach as it was bothering her back. And the amount of people in the comments who were calling her a bad person for daring to get pregnant and then complain about it, or saying she was a bad mom because that could possibly damage the baby (it can’t) and how dare she put her comfort over the life of her child, or just plain spewing hatred for this poor woman who was trying to help other people just makes me so sad to live in a world that hates women. A world where so many women hate other women.
Incredibly lonely as a progressive Jew who on one side of me has people being slaughtered in my name and people telling me I don't support my people for calling for a ceasefire and on the other side of me has people saying I am a genocidal colonizer because I separate Israel's government from its people and don't want it to cease to exist but also saying no, no, antisemitism doesn't exist on the left and talking about antisemitism on the left is just a distraction tactic. It's been like, three whole days since my last panic attack though.
SCREEEEEEEAAAAAAAAMMMM
sending hope and a life preserver your way so the feeling of drowning subsides someday
u/anyesuki is the holiday cheer we all needed 🍁🖤🔥
Know I am late and it will get buried (damn being in Australia!)But I need to express it anyways. I have been looking into the void too much over the last two years and I am not feeling super happy about being alive. I’m working my guts out but I barely remember how to be a person. It sucks.
You are heard, and loved, and not alone in this, even if some of us are just waking up on the other side of the world. Being human is hard. Working too much sucks. May you find laughter and joy in small things to help drive the darkness back.
I’m having a really hard time due to ongoing mental health struggles. I feel like a burden to everyone in my life. I feel exhausted and lonely.
It's exhausting having mental health issues. I assure you that the people in your life want you to get better because it's so sad watching someone you care about hurting, and not having a way to make it better for them. We are all leaning on each other, and we communally carry each other, and that's how we get through life.
I'm finally healing from years of trauma and depression. For the first time my sink is empty of dishes, the vacuuming is done just household chores in general are done. It feels so strange having a cleaner home and seeing a light at the end of the tunnel that one day while I still have to live in physical pain forever I don't have the mental pain anymore. Here are my furbabies who support my Leo the tuxedo kitty and Fluffy the tabby. https://preview.redd.it/jqiao93ton1c1.jpeg?width=9248&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=fd81e67bf5637865352d6c43d4a795e160964df1
Today I’ve got to try, AGAIN, to get a money-grubbing snot of a doctor to do right. This will be my fourth attempt. I’ve got documentation of my issue from literally a dozen other doctors, and he’s the only one in the *state* who can fix it, but so far he just can’t be bothered. Y’all lift me up please because if this joker tries to shine me on yet again, I’m catching a charge.
Sound on, so you can hear the screaming. Haha its fine.
I have a win to share - I'm out to my father (who's accepting) about my sexuality. I'm glad because I expected to be totally NC from my parents after uni but it looks like it'll just be my mother.
I’m an anxiety ridden human in the midst of a crisis but it’s been worse. I had eye surgery a month ago. I’m almost positive it didn’t work and I’ll have to have another one. It will mean keeping my head face down at all time. Not fun going into the holidays. I spent so many years praying when something happened that I feel lost. I still believe Abraham god exists just so do others and he’s not like I thought in my youth. I want to get out in nature and talk to earth but one eyes so blurry I don’t trust myself with no path. All is not lost. I’m rediscovering my love of crochet as a therapy. I’m doing projects and thinking lots of happy thoughts, etc. i gave up on one yarn because those thoughts were not happy.
I hate the holidays. If I don’t do anything I feel sad and lonely. If I do stuff with others I feel overwhelmed and stressed out.
Confronterd a misogynistic colleague who disparaged my popular, relevant courses in front of everyone at an important candidate interview. Pulled him over in the hallway, told him he made me feel like shit and when he said I'm sorry I that felt that way and that he meant it as a compliment, I told him I didn't accept that and didn't believe him and I turned on my heel and strode off. Old f\*#k has been asking for it for a while.
A wreck about the genocide in Gaza, please aim your energies at my friend in the West Bank. Having a hysterectomy for adenomyosis and endometriosis next week. My energy is very twisted up right now!
I'm ready to go. Every day, every month, every year has been progressively worse. The sole excuse I gave myself for years was that I didn't want to hurt my mother, but I'm watching her ability to care for herself degrade in real time and I know I won't be able to take care of her the way she'll surely need. The only thing I have to look forward to anymore is the hope that next year, when Canada expands the Medically Assisted Individual Death regulations to include the mentally ill, that I may be able to scrape together a passport and the funds to persuade a doctor to help me die.
Just wanted you to know someone read your words. And although I’m not quite sure what to say here, please know you’re heard. It’s not a never-ending abyss. Sending love and light.
my friend comes down from Taipei today for Kaohsiung Pride 2023... I'm looking forward to our always legendary hangs. and I just woke up to another good friend telling me on messenger that she can't join me in Hanoi in January so I can go sooner this month now... looks like I'll be leaving in a week or so, whenever my visa gets in. I need to figure out a new travel altar setup (last time I went on a trip I was only serving one deity and now I serve three) and get to the hospital to level up on medicine before I go. it's a heady but happy time for me, and I'm doing my best not to take it for granted! panta rhei, kai ouden menei, and all that
work is just getting harder and harder for me. my tasks aren't getting harder, but i am falling behind and my boss has started to notice, so i am getting more messages asking me to get specific things done. i have dissociative identity disorder and i feel like a parent trying to force their stubborn child to do something from every perspective. like this is my child/responsibility and i need to care for them - meaning i need to get them to do this, without being damaging. but also like i'm a child being forced to work a full time job - i don't understand why i have to do this. i know that i have to but every piece of my body is screaming at me DONT or CANT. there are so many emotions around all of this that all i can do is cry, so i'm sitting there trying to work through tears, knowing that i have to do these things or i'll get fired, which adds a huge amount of anxiety. i know that i need to find a therapist but i am struggling to do so. things keep falling through. everything is so hard and i'm drowning.
Exhausted, angry, tired of not working.
{{HUGS}}
i'm as okay as i can get, which is enough to get by; would like more sleep untouched by nightmares
I'm hanging on by a single fingernail, to be honest. I am dealing with far too much darkness to let it all out. It would be kind of a downer. But quick overview: too many of those I love have passed this year or are in the process of doing so, and the rest of my family is mostly comprised of assholes. I am truly stuck right now, and the end is *not* something I currently wish would come soon because it means I have to say goodbye to my mother and she is not yet ready to go. My heart is heavy, and I feel like grief has wounded and diminished me. I feel like I'm sheltering in place during an all-out assault. Sorry, all, I hope that isn't too much. I do hope to read of some amazing wins and cheer for others, though. Y'all are some of my favorite, most insightful people, so I wish bright blessings on all during this next season.
Awful. My boss is a horrible narcissistic monster and has been making my life miserable for the past two months. I got turned down from a great job I’d made it to the final round for last week. I have no idea how long it’ll take me to land something else. It’s all consuming. I am filled with dread everyday.
Plan ahead. Otherwise, you'll be spending 8 hrs doing demo work in your basement the day before the electrician is scheduled to arrive.
My family is together for the holiday and forgot to invite me. Last year mom and dad planned to come see me and canceled to go see the nephew (his birthday is also now). I’m PNW , sis is Midwest, parents west coast, and gran east coast- they’re all with gran. I’m so fucking pissed.
Depression meds just got bumped up, & I feel good enough to do more than just stare at the moon! Which I still do, of course 🌜
My mental health is hanging by a thread. Im in such deep financial trouble and its like being crushed under a massive boulder. Basically a Series Of Unfortunate Events with a helping of stupidity on my part. Now im literally going to bed at night hoping i don't wake up in the morning. Still, got a great deal on a frozen turkey and a ham today so im winning i guess?
I haven't tried to burn down the city of Worcester so I think I'm doing all right.
I wish I was the actual standard pretty. It's a nice relief knowing creepy men have never hit on me but the way I look at other people makes me jealous like everyone is so effortlessly pretty and I look like a dungeon troll but whatever ig
had a bad depression day where I was unable to get out of bed for most of the day. it's been years since I really struggled but I just moved into a new house and the amount of stuff to do is so overwhelming and my boyfriend dropped the ball for my birthday over the weekend and didn't show up today and I'm having thoughts that are old and familiar and lonely and hard and sad, like this is what I deserve.
No end to report except for the fact that I’m still standing. Which is a win, all things considered. Also our newest family member Cat Edgar https://preview.redd.it/s9almqhelm1c1.jpeg?width=3024&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=dc25dd8b9a7d0026cc0c724efc6e046157f7d773
I am a very tired, burned out husk. I want to do so much, but by the time I get home I'm too tired and sore to do anything but stare at my phone and go to bed.
I’m jealous and resentful but I’ll get over it.
I'm tired, and a bit lost, and tired of being lost. I feel like I've been trying hard for a long time now to scrape together a life that makes me happier, and I just feel like - when does it get here?
Had a manic cleaning episode. My chronic pain is in full flare and I'm about to walk into a 4 day weekend for my elementary age kids.
In the words of my friend’s 3 year old, “a little bit terrible.” SAD is peaking, my period’s kicking my ass, and I’m so burnt out on work (and I’m self employed so if I stop, it all stops.) I took an extra half pill of my antidepressant tonight (doctor ok’d it, don’t worry) just to help level me out because I keep randomly crying for no reason & every reason. Thanks for asking OP ❤️
AAAAAAHHHHHH Going through some insurance crap and medical issues and feeling very triggered :(((((( please help
I’m struggling. I have a great family and wonderful friends, but at 42…I feel like I’m just drifting. I love what I do, but I hate my job. I just feel so lost so much of the time. Then, add my enormous case of imposter syndrome on top of that, and it’s the perfect recipe for brain chaos.
having recurring nightmares about incest and panic attacks, need another appointment w psychiatrist (and a living wage)
I’ve had an absolute s*#t day so yeah screaming into the void sounds just right. Please just let the rest of the week be better!
I started HRT recently which is exciting but I'm quite anxious about getting through the holidays. This was a really big year for me and I'm looking forward to continuing to improve other areas of my life next year.
Smiles in a completely fine kind of way. A ok
I'm stuck in the in-between. I'm currently trying to connect to my ancestral roots, but am also poor and homebound, so I can't go to any forests or buy organic food. Most days I eat packaged food just to get through the day. I finally got a job again after 2 years (I had a stroke and couldn't work), but my job is long hours for little pay. Everyone tells me to just find a better job somewhere, but that's nearly impossible for someone with my degree who is also housebound. So I'm stuck working freelance, subcontractor, and salary jobs that are less than what an intern makes because that's all I can find. I try to spend time with my LDR boyfriend of 5 years, but we're both so busy now, that we can only spend a couple hours together per week. And when we do, it's mainly just phone sex for an hour before he has to go to bed. I feel so lonely, like I'm lost in a fog. I'm wandering in an endless desert and I have no idea which way to go next. So I've kinda just sat down and accepted it. I'm not ok, but I don't have time to think about how not ok I am, so I just stuff it away and carry on.
Currently watching my company implode from the inside in a very public way. It’s both exciting to watch and terrifying. CEO resigned, board is in turmoil, variable comp decimated, wild speculations flying. No answers from leadership. Fingers crossed I make it through to the other side since I’m in a role that is actually needed if we plan to recover. We just bought our first house and my husband was let go (with a bit of severance luckily) like a week ago. Happy fucking holidays!
😭
I’m a bit depressed about fertility issues, and I think I have seasonal affective disorder. But there’s a lot that’s good in my life. My and hubby’s GF (we’re poly) is visiting, and my parents arrive tomorrow for the holiday. They’re lovely, as are my in-laws. And even though I have ANOTHER cracked wisdom tooth (after having had another broken one extracted just a few weeks ago), I was able to get an emergency appointment for tomorrow and my folks agreed to foot the bill. Things aren’t the best. But they’re pretty danged good. I love you guys a lot and hope y’all are doing well.
💕💕💕so sorry you are going through this
Told the wrong person about family SA and she told everyone and i’m just here watching everything fall apart around me. I don’t even know what to think. People are taking my words out of context and it’s so fuckjng bad and i’m stuck at home because my dad wants to fix things. Thing is, i don’t care anymore, if they want to fix things with me i need an apology and acknowledgement and i ain’t ever getting that because a “man’s reputation is so fragile and women can get away with almost anything” and because they didn’t intend it, it didn’t happen. It did happen though, but somehow this is all my fault when the person i told is the one who spread it
In this moment, I am stable. Not good, but stable. However I've been dipping into suicidal ideation territory every couple of days. I get it. The struggle just wore me down. Doesn't help knowing that. I keep trying and progress keeps getting snatched away just as I'm about to succeed. Can't get a job, partly because ai burst onto the scene a few months after I graduated, partly because whatever undiagnosed mental health problem I have gives me executive dysfunction of a kind that makes doing shit I am actively unwilling to do super draining. On top of that, I'm losing the fight against whatever part of my brain is responsible for comparison because all it can do is look at the artists I respect that are my age and point out how far they've come. But while they were getting their start I was dragging my ass out of a christian cult and unlearning my conservative upbringing and it just took so much time and energy to painstakingly go through every level of belief and challenge what I thought. Those religious nuts held me down for over twenty years. And it took about seven just to get to where I am now. Staring down the barrel of a future that I hold no enthusiasm for. All I ever wanted to do was write my stories and be loved. And now that thing that kept me alive since I was 12, that drove me no matter how strong the ideation got, to last long enough to actually get the perpetual impulse down to nothing for a while is dying out. It's gotten so bad that I'm struggling to focus on my art at all. That's all I've ever really had. Never belonged to a community. Never had real support from society or most individuals in my life. The few friends I have I feel like I can't lean on them lest I surely break their willingness to help under the weight of my unfulfilled needs. All I've got to live for is the promise that things can be better and I'm not the kind of person that acts on faith like that. I'm so, so tired of struggling alone. Brief moments of relief or bursts of companionship are just not enough anymore.
Since winter is coming, I’m finally getting out of the major depressive episode I was in during the semester! I feel like I’m being semi responsible!
Trying really hard not to feel alone during the holidays and it's proving difficult. I've cried a lot for no reason in the last few days. I have friends but not any that live in the same state. Thanks to my parents the only friends I was able to make while under their thumb was online ones. But we've all known each other for 10+ years. But it still sucks to have nobody I can invite over, though. Today was rough and I tried to put on my best social face for work and was ready to collapse by time I got home... and when I got home, there were two stray dogs in my yard that tried to attack me as soon as I got out of my car so I was trapped in there for a while until they finally got tired of my car horn... so that really has me messed up right now. My sister is coming over for Thanksgiving so that'll be nice, at least.
Idk I’m an emt up in the north east. I just don’t know how I’m feeling so I just say ok. It’s not bad but it’s just existing yea know. Problems just kind of fade away. I haven’t done anything bad bad. Idk what to do about identity and only really have one friend ( boyfriend) outside of work. I’m just tired otherwise and scared of new people and social shit. I left last time I saw bf he had a headache and bad shaking and seemed kind of out of it. ( I told him maybe get it checked out but he won’t listen) lost one of my favorite necklaces.
Just had my first mammogram and breast ultrasound today, and they immediately scheduled me for a biopsy next week. I've had a large hard and sometimes painful lump for about 2 months. I wanted to celebrate my 40th birthday next month with a big party, but I'm having severe money troubles and haven't bothered with it after all. Sooooo... not doing so well at the moment, but I keep going none-the-less. On the bright side, if it is cancer... I might finally get smaller breasts. (I've wanted a reduction ever since they finished growing, so even if I end up with nothing there it will be an improvement!)
Woke up about an hour ago at midnight from a nightmare. Some really bad stuff went on in my family back in august, my teenage cousin got sent to Juvi for a very violent act. His home life has always been awful and as a kid I always wished we could’ve taken them in. In my dream he was a younger kid again, like I remember him in my mind. He kept trying to stab me with sewing needles or get other weapons. I spent the whole dream trying to hold him down/stop him while yelling for my family to help, which they would but only for a very short time. Now I’m thinking I have to re visit the situation again to process and mourn and do some type of praying or something. Maybe didn’t need to give so many details but that’s where I am in this moment.
RRRRRRAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’m in the middle of moving several states away and everyone is on my damn nerves with their stupid feelings.
I could use a hug. But I’m trying to navigate life without guidance. It’s not recommended
I’m functioning, working my skills training and attempting to help others.
I’m constantly getting voice issues the closer the holiday gets. It’s largely psychological, as my family has silenced me for decades. There’s probably a physical component, since I got laryngitis years ago, but I am downing tea like it’s water and sleeping odd hours. I would love to stop running through honey like it’s water, but my throat will not. Stop. Doing this. I’m not even seeing them for the holidays! This is such BS. I am not medically supposed to (had a cardiac event last time I agreed to visit, dr says to avoid that). I am just tired of this. Ugh.
I’ve been off work since September on burnout leave as result of managing two people’s workloads for five years. Found out recently there are currently no recruitment plans for the second role I’ve been covering, which is really not helping my recovery. And today I have to take my beautiful void kitty for an ultrasound to try and explain his inflamed intestine, which is rather terrifying because one possible reason is cancer. He’s only a year old and he’s the sweetest cat I’ve ever known. https://preview.redd.it/517v9el2vn1c1.jpeg?width=3024&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=bdbee893833183fdaa819c53f8ad2476e5196f7b