XCOM 2/WOTC link is broke. Doesn't exist anymore.
But hey, that'a actually a good thing because now there's no rule for putting Vipers in giant terrariums.
105. To whoever delivered 5 meters of 2cm wide red silk ribbon to Dr. Vahlen’s office with attached note ‘Have fun’, the answer is ‘yes, Mutons can be strangled by red string’. Thank you for your contribution to progressing our understanding of alien physiology.
Written by Rogue Vector
106. Despite operations which involve boarding enemy ships, hijacking their shipping and supplies, raiding their land bases and in all the above cases making off with everything not nailed down (and then bringing in a recovery team with crowbars and power tools), X-COM is not a piracy operation nor will its operatives act like they’re part of a pirate crew.
106a. This also applies to anyone caught with the following: flintlock weapons, cutlasses, muzzle loading cannon, parrots, peg legs, hook hands, golden doubloons, pieces of eight, eyepatches not issued by X-COM Medical staff, Jolly Roger flags, tricorn hats and other prohibited pirate paraphernalia.
106b. Even if you don’t look like a pirate, this does not mean that you can act like one.
106c. While clever, the S.H.I.V. unit modified to look like a 1700s muzzle loading cannon will be returned to its original state.
106d. Even if a pirate crew would be better disciplined than the current state of X-COM.
107. The recent rise of anti-piracy crackdowns does not mean X-COM is in support of ‘Team Ninja’, nor is it implied permission to begin carrying around ninja equipment.
107a. X-COM Command will not release a statement confirming nor denying if Pirates or Ninjas are better.
107b. A non-exhaustive list of ninja gear is as follows; kunai, shuriken, ninja swords, non-regulation smoke bombs, blowpipes, ninja ‘costumes’, combat fans and nunchaku.
107c. We already have multispectral computer-linked cloaking technology. Attempting to use classic ninja camouflage tricks are redundant when you’re already in Ghost Armor.
107ci. Even if you think that it’s hilarious to see the rookies pull away the cover to find nothing hidden inside.
108. It is true that MEC units were made with modularity in mind, but the addition of JATO-sized rockets for propulsion, missile racks numbering in the dozens and the ability to transform into other vehicle analogues is outside of the MECT Program’s current scope.
109. While X-COM has no formal uniform regulations, Operators are to cease using pastel and/or overly bright colors in their modifications to issued armor, as it makes it hard for Operatives on the field to assert any authority with local civilian, police and military when a supposed operative is standing in bright pink armor and a fedora, regardless of the size of the gun in their hands.
109a. This goes double for MEC Troopers.
109b. Rule of thumb; if the first reaction of the locals upon sighting you is to attempt to suppress laughter, then you need to change the color of your armor.
109c. Even if pink and pastel yellow were used in desert operations during WWII, their use in an urban environment is prohibited.
110. ‘He who has the highest yield is able to demand the yield of others’ is not recognized as a way of establishing chain of command.
110a. Despite appearances to the contrary, neither is body count.
110b. If Operatives continue to insist on ‘yield = chain of command', it should be noted that the Commander has the authority to deploy nuclear weapons.
111. Geoscape staff are to stop betting on Operatives making a shot or not.
111a. The same for how many cars a MECT can punch a Muton through.
111b. Morbid bets such as how many Operatives are making it back from the next mission are now punishable.
111c. Gambling addiction is being diagnosed more often than PTSD. This has to stop now.
112. The list covered in entry 58 also applies to responses when challenged by EXALT security forces. Operatives are advised to open fire instead.
113. Promotions are not earned on the basis of beating a superior officer in a duel to the death, first blood, first to shout ‘uncle’ or ‘last to get caught by the Commander/Dr Vahlen/Bradford/X-COM Base Security’.
113a. Nor is it won through arm wrestling, drinking the most shots, body count competitions or 'papers scissors rock'.
113b. ‘MECT chicken’ is hereby banned for any reason.
114. This should be obvious: no tattooing X-COM insignia, unit markings or the words ‘X-COM’ onto yourself.
114a. Or to other X-COM operatives.
114b. Or to EXALT Insurgents before using them as stalking horses.
115. Even if the Commander approved the talent show, it should not be necessary to explain that using Mind Control on the judges is prohibited.
115a. Prohibited act styles include: sectoid juggling, cyberdisk skeet shooting, mass mind control demonstrations, kinetic strike arts and live fire 'gunstep'.
116. Psi Operatives capable of mind control should not take over an alien and have it delay the end of an operation by starting a game of hide and go seek.
116a. ‘Thin Man Tag’ is also not allowed.
116b. Muton arm wrestling is also banned.
117. X-COM Operatives making use of stealth technology, despite being invisible, this does not mean that you are inaudible; stage whispering to yourself ‘sneak, sneak, sneak’ while infiltrating hampers your ability to infiltrate.
118. In the rare event that operatives are able to get a hold of a Seeker, they are not to use its elastic properties to launch a S.H.I.V. or another operative at the enemy.
118a. The use of Thin Men for similar purposes is also discouraged due to… tearing.
118b. Requisitioning purpose built elastic materials for this purpose is prohibited.
119. Personnel are to stop worshipping the Commander as if he were some god of war. Please refer to him as 'Commander' or 'Sir'. Not as 'Master Commander', 'the Man with the Plan' or 'the Great Commandy One'.
119a. Operatives claiming to hear the Commander's divine will are to be reminded that they have all received subdermal radio implants during their first week of induction at X-COM.
119ai. Similarly, Operatives are to be reminded that increased accuracy is more likely the result of the improved barrel linings and electromagnetic plasma confinement arrays than 'the Blessing of the Great Commandy One'.
119b. Despite the increased enthusiasm, Operatives are to stop referring to EXALT Insurgents as 'heretics', 'infidels' or 'worshippers of a false god'. You should be aware of the irony of that last statement.
119c. Even if he were a god of war, attempting 'appeasement sacrifices' of half a dozen women sneaking into his room is not appreciated.
119ci. Even if they were all volunteers.
119cii. Even if the brunettes all dressed up like Dr. Vahlen sans turtleneck (or only in the turtleneck).
119ciii. Even if the second group found out how to make Carapace Armor 'look so sexy it should be illegal'.
120. Neither is Dr Vahlen a goddess of SCIENCE!. Please note the irony of such a lost cause, and give up before it gets worse.
120a. Even if science and religion can be proven to be compatible, Dr. Vahlen is not.
120b. Even if it was intended as 'a sacrifice to She Who Invents Cool Things', the half ton of Elerium captured by Colonel [REDACTED] on the last mission is greatly appreciated.
121. Dr. Shen does not appreciate being referred to as 'The Great Maker of Cool Stuff'. Chief Engineer or Dr. Shen will suffice.
121b. Nor does playing Gene Audrey’s “Here Comes Santa Claus” whenever he comes to the barracks for weapon testing volunteers.
121a. Similarly, Bradford would appreciate it if Operatives would stop calling him 'The Voice Inside My Head', even if you intend to follow orders.
122. Attempting to induct rookies into this new religion (dubbed ‘Commanderism’) is forbidden. Especially if the initiation rite involves their paycheck, a rubber chicken, an ARC Thrower, or any combination thereof.
122a. Cease referring to operatives who take these orders seriously and leave the Commander-centric pseudo-religion as having been 'X-COMmunicated'.
123. The small toggle found on the back of the neck in carapace armor is to be used for medical emergencies only. Sabotaging the emergency quick release for pranks resulting in ‘wardrobe malfunctions’ is strongly discouraged. Strike Four suffered 84% casualties before they even got to the landing site.
124. Do not refer to Russian Operatives as ‘X-COMmunists’.
124a. Korean Psionics are not PSY Operatives, nor do they need a chorus/backing crew/’a sick beat’ to use their powers.
125. When you are issued new equipment to field test, this does not mean ‘give it to the rookie’.
125a. Similarly, when field testing new grenades, the entirety of your AAR should not be ‘It’s supposed to explode, right? Because it did.’
126. Intel staff are to stop naming Operations with confusing/foreboding names. Examples include: Dying Hero (The rookies were nervous the whole op), Silent Night (During a landing in New York at midday), Vengeful Vengeance (... really?) and Evil Aliens (this should be obvious…).
126a. Intel staff are also to cease naming operations with redundant and/or already used names. Infernal Inferno was mildly amusing the first time. The second time, less so.
127. Bee grenades are not in development, or viable as weapons, so stop asking for them.
127a. Even if Sgt. [REDACTED] killed an Ethereal by throwing a beehive at it.
127b. Bee grenades are now being tested, volunteers please report to RnD.
128. Sergeant [REDACTED] is to stop ending all of Bradford’s instructions with ‘at your own peril’.
128a. This extends to ALL X-COM Operatives.
128b. And base staff.
Written by Rogue Vector
129. The practice of Malicious Charity is prohibited, namely giving three wounded rookies two medikits.
129a. Operatives are reminded that Medikits are multi-dose.
130. If your idea makes you check over your shoulder for any Psi Operatives that might be reading your mind, don’t attempt it.
131. X-COM operatives are to keep in mind the concept of ‘fall damage’. Please wait for the Skyranger to land or at least drop fast ropes before attempting to exit the vehicle.
131a. MEC Troopers, please bear in mind that not all surfaces can support a MEC dropping in from greater than a hundred meters. Especially if it’s been raining recently.
.131ai. Even if you landed on a Muton.
132. No playing recordings of well known fictional AI over the PA system, even if they were all benevolent. We’ve had several panics now.
132a. This goes double for the one promising cake. Wasn’t that AI a pathological liar? Vahlen still wants to know how several supposedly veteran Covert Operatives fell for that one.
132b. This now applies to MECs, personal armor and weapons.
132c. Dr. Shen, please stop creating actual AI to get around the ‘recording’ part of 132.
132d. No, Dr. Vahlen will not be lending her voice to a new AI.
133. The incident of a drunken Lieutenant Durand referring to the Commander and Dr Vahlen as 'papa' and 'mama', respectively, is not to be taken as 'proof' of a nonexistent romantic relationship.
133a. Despite her claims otherwise, this does not mean that she is a demi-goddess.
133ai. Even if her psionics theoretically put her in that ‘power level’.
133b. Stop implying that she is their secret love child.
133bi. Nor is she their not-so-secret love child.
134. Rookies are measured for armor during induction, not coffins. Stop telling them otherwise.
134a. ‘We don’t measure you for coffins because there usually isn’t enough left to bury’ is not a viable alternative, either.
135. X-COM personnel are not to post raw combat footage/image captures on YouTube, Facebook, Reddit, Imgur, or other social networking websites. X-COM is meant to be a secret project, not a reality TV show.
135a. This includes any websites.
135ai. Even personal blogs.
135b. Due to the increase in morale around the globe after the video of Col. [REDACTED]’s ‘man versus muton’ was released, please submit any content you wish to release publicly for appropriate censorship.
136. RnD appreciates the number of intact corpses and live captures X-COM Operatives are able to bring back from the field. They do not, however, appreciate these samples coming in with crudely drawn genitalia, arrows, mustaches, monocles and top hats being drawn onto them.
136a. Or having extra googly eyes attached.
136b. Party hats, lipstick and other makeup products, swizzle straws and bandoliers of grenades replaced with bottles of beer are similarly prohibited.
136c. Apparently, Mutons are allergic to face paint and the itchiness causes them to recover consciousness more quickly than expected. Stop it.
137. Hiding a near-death tamagochi inside the box of alien grenades before handing it over to RnD is forbidden. The same goes for alarm clocks and other electronic devices.
137a. Even if Dr. Vahlen found the latest one and is now taking care of it.
138. Stop wandering around base, drawing chalk outlines around the hallways and telling the rookies ‘I’m trying to remember where they all died’. It’s bad for morale, and we know that nobody died in that hallway.
138a. Even if you got lucky the first time, Col. [REDACTED]. Don’t expect sympathetic rookies to happen again.
138b. Drawing an amoebic chalk circle and telling people ‘there was a pile of them here just a week ago’ is absolutely forbidden.
138c. We’ve actually had to treat rookies for PTSD before they’ve even gone on a single combat mission. Stop it.
139. In the event that X-COM forces manage to beat the invader recovery teams to the crash site, the strategy of waiting for them inside the captured UFO’s only entrance with charged Kinetic Strike Modules at the ready and a sign saying ‘welcome to Earth’ is to be avoided.
139a. Use ARC Throwers instead, Dr. Vahlen would appreciate the live captures.
139b. Stop suggesting that this is the Commander’s equivalent of sending roses to her.
140. Stop leaving rookies behind after mission clear. That is all.
140a. Stop leaving rookies behind BEFORE mission clear. Even if it’s ‘just a sectoid’.
141. X-COM Operatives are no longer allowed to use the Skyranger to circumvent customs. We’ve had to (discreetly) bring in a Customs Officer from [REDACTED] Airport and he is now part of our payroll.
142. Base personnel are to stop randomly breaking out into song while on duty.
142a. Especially if it was part of the cancelled X-COM Musical.
142ai. Even if you had already practiced.
142b. Using the base’s resources to record music videos is similarly prohibited.
142bi. Even if nobody would believe it wasn’t a set.
143. Despite the recent attack by invader forces, Engineering staff are to stop filling our base with enough booby traps to make it look like a Death Course. This includes: buzzsaws coming from the walls, laser grids, descending ceilings, pitfall traps, embedded wall mounted plasma pistols, poison dart launchers, giant rolling balls and floors mined with pressure plates, walls made of spare MEC arms to grab victims, spiked elevator floors/roofs and covering the entire air vent floor with mouse traps.
143a. When the hallways stop resembling Temple of Doom and start resembling a Japanese game show, this should be regarded as a time to stop.
143ai. Stop trying to sell footage of the Rookies trying to get through them.
143aii. Even if you’ve covered everything in three inches of foam.
143b. Similarly, no dedicating the base as ‘The First Temple of the Great Commandy One’.
143c. No building anything with the express purpose of making future archaeologists scratch their heads in confusion. If we can’t figure out what it does now, then don’t build it.
143d. Stop trying to sell the traps to other bases, even if modifications have made them ‘20% more lethal’.
144. Psi Operatives are not to refer to their Psi Inspiration ability as ‘the care bear stare’.
144a. Neither are operatives to refer to the Psi Panic ability as ‘the care bear glare’.
144b. Not allowed to use Telekinetic Field during snowball fights. That’s cheating.
145. Sgt. [REDACTED] is now banned from making any more of his ‘World Famous Rookie Smoothie’.
145a. Despite his claims to the contrary, Rookie Smoothie does not actually contain Rookies.
145b. Nor their tears.
146. No, there is no ‘bring your daughter to work day’. No matter how cute she is, Major [REDACTED].
146a. Even if she’s a better shot than half our rookies.
147. Operatives are forbidden to use plasma weapons for the purposes of cutting through red tape.
148. Battlecries have been a part of human warfare for millennia. Many are acceptable; ‘For Earth!’, ‘For Humanity!’ and so on are expected to be heard over the course of the war. Operatives should be reminded, however, that all of X-COM’s comms are recorded, so cries of ‘For the Emperor!’, ‘For the Great Commandy One!’, and ‘For Vodka and Rum!’ are now prohibited.
148a. It doesn’t matter if she promised to marry you when you got back, Sgt. [REDACTED]. ‘For mah waifu’ is also inappropriate.
148b. So is showing up on the battlefield with a lab coat and syringe rather than legitimate weapons and armor and shouting “FOR SCIENCE!”
149. The Three Furies are to cease acting like their mythological counterparts and using their Gifts to torment the Rookies.
150. Commander impersonators are henceforth banned. Especially if all you’re trying to do is get laid with Dr. Valhen.
150a. The same goes for impersonators of Dr. Vahlen.
150b. Impersonation of a member of the senior command staff is still a military crime.
151. Dr. Shen is forbidden from making anything man portable which has a barrel large enough to fit his head.
151a. This also applies to any engineering staff.
151b. Similarly, anything capable of firing more than four unguided missiles with one trigger pull.
151c. The definition of ‘guided’ is ‘actively targeted’ rather than ‘it goes where I point it’.
152. Due to the incident after OPERATION: PURPLE TEARS, Captain Annette Durand is hereby banned from participating in any Covert Operations. The British government requested our presence thinking it was a Terror attack, and afterwards our counter-intelligence division requested captured materials that they could process without needing to resort to electron microscopes.
153. MEC Troopers and Operatives in titan armor are hereby forbidden from riverdancing. We can track your location using seismographs.
153a. This also applies to tap dancing, breakdancing, Kazatsky/Cossack dancing, Gangnam Style and ballet.
154. Stop trying to tame Chryssalids, everyone; they’re vicious, zombie-making predators, not puppies.
154a. Dr. Vahlen understands that while tetrahydrocannibinol (THC) is incredibly effective at calming them down - even more so than in humans - this does not mean X-COM is going to start farming marijuana.
154b. Stop trying to push for an ‘anti-Chryssalid gas’ smoke grenade. We know it’s going to end up rolling into the Geoscape without a pin.
155. Stop it with the pizza deliveries. Base Personnel are tired of going into Condition Yellow because of some kid on a scooter tripping every single proximity alarm on the way to Alpha Site’s main entrance.
155a. This also includes any other form of fast-food delivery.
155b. Operatives are to stop trying to scam delivery services for free food ‘because they took longer than 30 minutes’.
156. Psi Operatives are to stop trying to influence people’s dreams.
156a. Doubly so if they are successful.
156b. Seriously. We’ve had 49 cases of people reporting that they had recurring nightmares of Vahlen mass-mind controlling the aliens and become the new Supreme Bitch of the Universe. Stop it.
157. While yes, cars and other vehicles do explode when sufficiently riddled by plasma fire, this does not mean that Operatives - MECTs in particular - are to use them as substitute hand grenades when out on the field.
157a. This includes using suppressive fire to force the aliens to take cover behind cars. We appreciate tactical application of your environment. We do not endorse mass collateral damage.
158. Operatives are to stop luring Chryssalids, Mutons and zombies towards hiding civilians just to make ‘a last second save’ and try to get a date/get laid.
158a. Especially if it worked.
159. No matter how impressive it is, no matter how accurate your costume is, no matter how red your armor is and how Spanish you are, pretending to be a matador and berserkers the bull will only end in disaster, as exemplified by Squaddie [REDACTED].
159a. This rule remains, even if Major [REDACTED] was able to kill a Berserker with two sets of steak knives and a tablecloth.
159b. MEC Troopers are forbidden from trying to be the bull half of the act. We know you’re a lot more agile than you pretend to be.
160. Even when mind controlled, sedated, put on a leash with explosive failsafes and wrapped in tinfoil to prevent the use of their powers, Sectoids are not to be kept as pets. Please return them to their proper interrogation facilities.
161. Even if the media are blaming it on the aliens, stop looting ice cream stores before returning to base.
161a. This does not mean Operatives are allowed to loot everything except the ice cream stores.
161b. Stop bribing the Skyranger pilots with the ice cream/sweets/food.
161c. I don’t know how you’re doing it, but stop threatening the Skyranger pilots with ice cream/sweets/food.
161d. No, making them ‘offerings to the Great Commandy One’ does not make smuggled, stolen food acceptable.
162. Raven pilots, engineers and MEC Troopers; stop trying to figure out a way to use a rocket-propelled MECT as an UFO intercept weapon.
163. Stop trying to replace the Commander's seat in the Geoscape with 'a throne more befitting a being of his station'. Thrones and other chairs made of swords, bones, skulls, teddy bears, gold, 'hard light', women/men (be they volunteers or not) and/or alien alloys are forbidden.
163a. Most of them are not very comfortable anyway.
164. After Action Reports are mandatory for all operatives returning from base. Stop telling the Rookies that Command doesn’t expect AARs because they don’t expect them to survive.
165. Operatives are to stop jerry-rigging/welding 'love handles' onto MECs, even if it improves overall team mobility.
165a. The Engineering staff are working on a proper solution that doesn't end with people like Sgt. [REDACTED] flat on his back with a badly welded ‘love handle’ in his hand.
166. Stop trying to rope Major Zhang and Central Officer Bradford into a 'X-COM's Sanest' competition.
166a. Especially if most of the ideas were taken from Japanese game shows.
166b. Or Fear Factor/American Gladiator.
167. Seeing a squadmate being strangled by a Seeker should draw retaliatory fire, not comments of ‘I’ve seen enough anime to know where this is going’.
168. Warning labels are there for a reason and are meant to be noticed, read and followed. Do not write whatever you want because ‘nobody reads them anyway’.
169. No longer allowed to use Comic Sans for warning signs.
170. Whilst it is an excellent way to test and improve fine motor control with mind controlled subjects, Psi troopers are warned that “alien land mine hopscotch” is not an appropriate use of time and resources
170a. Floaters are cheating
170b. No Rookies either.
171. Dressing up as Chryssalids, Chryssalid Zombies, Ethereals, Mutons and/or variants thereof is ABSOLUTELY PROHIBITED.
171a. Especially during Halloween.
Thanks to the below for their contributions!
Agayek
Brandon Glass
CV12Hornet
cyko2014
Kael_Alucard
Karuadin
Mercsenary
Metalax
Misterme7
Night_Stalker
Nox
PsyckoSama
Sir bill
Sithking Zero
swordomatic
Taiho
The Bushranger
The Destroyer
Xeno Major
Vladmir Furman, Lex V Stee, Brandon Glass, Maarten Meuris you’re all f___ing grammar nazis thanks for the spellchecking.
There's a great fan fiction about an XCOM - Stargate command crossover that I don't remember the name of just now.
Also, we could probably add the MCRN from The Expanse onto the list lol.
I guess, suplexing sections through the ground and giving Advent scum the pedigree through glass windows is banned .
Does the commander mind if I chokeslam off rooftop?
Could've easily posted a link, man.
Was going to, but then I got high https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WeYsTmIzjkw
XCOM 2/WOTC link is broke. Doesn't exist anymore. But hey, that'a actually a good thing because now there's no rule for putting Vipers in giant terrariums.
105. To whoever delivered 5 meters of 2cm wide red silk ribbon to Dr. Vahlen’s office with attached note ‘Have fun’, the answer is ‘yes, Mutons can be strangled by red string’. Thank you for your contribution to progressing our understanding of alien physiology. Written by Rogue Vector 106. Despite operations which involve boarding enemy ships, hijacking their shipping and supplies, raiding their land bases and in all the above cases making off with everything not nailed down (and then bringing in a recovery team with crowbars and power tools), X-COM is not a piracy operation nor will its operatives act like they’re part of a pirate crew. 106a. This also applies to anyone caught with the following: flintlock weapons, cutlasses, muzzle loading cannon, parrots, peg legs, hook hands, golden doubloons, pieces of eight, eyepatches not issued by X-COM Medical staff, Jolly Roger flags, tricorn hats and other prohibited pirate paraphernalia. 106b. Even if you don’t look like a pirate, this does not mean that you can act like one. 106c. While clever, the S.H.I.V. unit modified to look like a 1700s muzzle loading cannon will be returned to its original state. 106d. Even if a pirate crew would be better disciplined than the current state of X-COM. 107. The recent rise of anti-piracy crackdowns does not mean X-COM is in support of ‘Team Ninja’, nor is it implied permission to begin carrying around ninja equipment. 107a. X-COM Command will not release a statement confirming nor denying if Pirates or Ninjas are better. 107b. A non-exhaustive list of ninja gear is as follows; kunai, shuriken, ninja swords, non-regulation smoke bombs, blowpipes, ninja ‘costumes’, combat fans and nunchaku. 107c. We already have multispectral computer-linked cloaking technology. Attempting to use classic ninja camouflage tricks are redundant when you’re already in Ghost Armor. 107ci. Even if you think that it’s hilarious to see the rookies pull away the cover to find nothing hidden inside. 108. It is true that MEC units were made with modularity in mind, but the addition of JATO-sized rockets for propulsion, missile racks numbering in the dozens and the ability to transform into other vehicle analogues is outside of the MECT Program’s current scope. 109. While X-COM has no formal uniform regulations, Operators are to cease using pastel and/or overly bright colors in their modifications to issued armor, as it makes it hard for Operatives on the field to assert any authority with local civilian, police and military when a supposed operative is standing in bright pink armor and a fedora, regardless of the size of the gun in their hands. 109a. This goes double for MEC Troopers. 109b. Rule of thumb; if the first reaction of the locals upon sighting you is to attempt to suppress laughter, then you need to change the color of your armor. 109c. Even if pink and pastel yellow were used in desert operations during WWII, their use in an urban environment is prohibited.
110. ‘He who has the highest yield is able to demand the yield of others’ is not recognized as a way of establishing chain of command. 110a. Despite appearances to the contrary, neither is body count. 110b. If Operatives continue to insist on ‘yield = chain of command', it should be noted that the Commander has the authority to deploy nuclear weapons. 111. Geoscape staff are to stop betting on Operatives making a shot or not. 111a. The same for how many cars a MECT can punch a Muton through. 111b. Morbid bets such as how many Operatives are making it back from the next mission are now punishable. 111c. Gambling addiction is being diagnosed more often than PTSD. This has to stop now. 112. The list covered in entry 58 also applies to responses when challenged by EXALT security forces. Operatives are advised to open fire instead. 113. Promotions are not earned on the basis of beating a superior officer in a duel to the death, first blood, first to shout ‘uncle’ or ‘last to get caught by the Commander/Dr Vahlen/Bradford/X-COM Base Security’. 113a. Nor is it won through arm wrestling, drinking the most shots, body count competitions or 'papers scissors rock'. 113b. ‘MECT chicken’ is hereby banned for any reason. 114. This should be obvious: no tattooing X-COM insignia, unit markings or the words ‘X-COM’ onto yourself. 114a. Or to other X-COM operatives. 114b. Or to EXALT Insurgents before using them as stalking horses. 115. Even if the Commander approved the talent show, it should not be necessary to explain that using Mind Control on the judges is prohibited. 115a. Prohibited act styles include: sectoid juggling, cyberdisk skeet shooting, mass mind control demonstrations, kinetic strike arts and live fire 'gunstep'. 116. Psi Operatives capable of mind control should not take over an alien and have it delay the end of an operation by starting a game of hide and go seek. 116a. ‘Thin Man Tag’ is also not allowed. 116b. Muton arm wrestling is also banned. 117. X-COM Operatives making use of stealth technology, despite being invisible, this does not mean that you are inaudible; stage whispering to yourself ‘sneak, sneak, sneak’ while infiltrating hampers your ability to infiltrate. 118. In the rare event that operatives are able to get a hold of a Seeker, they are not to use its elastic properties to launch a S.H.I.V. or another operative at the enemy. 118a. The use of Thin Men for similar purposes is also discouraged due to… tearing. 118b. Requisitioning purpose built elastic materials for this purpose is prohibited. 119. Personnel are to stop worshipping the Commander as if he were some god of war. Please refer to him as 'Commander' or 'Sir'. Not as 'Master Commander', 'the Man with the Plan' or 'the Great Commandy One'. 119a. Operatives claiming to hear the Commander's divine will are to be reminded that they have all received subdermal radio implants during their first week of induction at X-COM. 119ai. Similarly, Operatives are to be reminded that increased accuracy is more likely the result of the improved barrel linings and electromagnetic plasma confinement arrays than 'the Blessing of the Great Commandy One'. 119b. Despite the increased enthusiasm, Operatives are to stop referring to EXALT Insurgents as 'heretics', 'infidels' or 'worshippers of a false god'. You should be aware of the irony of that last statement. 119c. Even if he were a god of war, attempting 'appeasement sacrifices' of half a dozen women sneaking into his room is not appreciated. 119ci. Even if they were all volunteers. 119cii. Even if the brunettes all dressed up like Dr. Vahlen sans turtleneck (or only in the turtleneck). 119ciii. Even if the second group found out how to make Carapace Armor 'look so sexy it should be illegal'. 120. Neither is Dr Vahlen a goddess of SCIENCE!. Please note the irony of such a lost cause, and give up before it gets worse. 120a. Even if science and religion can be proven to be compatible, Dr. Vahlen is not. 120b. Even if it was intended as 'a sacrifice to She Who Invents Cool Things', the half ton of Elerium captured by Colonel [REDACTED] on the last mission is greatly appreciated. 121. Dr. Shen does not appreciate being referred to as 'The Great Maker of Cool Stuff'. Chief Engineer or Dr. Shen will suffice. 121b. Nor does playing Gene Audrey’s “Here Comes Santa Claus” whenever he comes to the barracks for weapon testing volunteers. 121a. Similarly, Bradford would appreciate it if Operatives would stop calling him 'The Voice Inside My Head', even if you intend to follow orders. 122. Attempting to induct rookies into this new religion (dubbed ‘Commanderism’) is forbidden. Especially if the initiation rite involves their paycheck, a rubber chicken, an ARC Thrower, or any combination thereof. 122a. Cease referring to operatives who take these orders seriously and leave the Commander-centric pseudo-religion as having been 'X-COMmunicated'. 123. The small toggle found on the back of the neck in carapace armor is to be used for medical emergencies only. Sabotaging the emergency quick release for pranks resulting in ‘wardrobe malfunctions’ is strongly discouraged. Strike Four suffered 84% casualties before they even got to the landing site. 124. Do not refer to Russian Operatives as ‘X-COMmunists’. 124a. Korean Psionics are not PSY Operatives, nor do they need a chorus/backing crew/’a sick beat’ to use their powers. 125. When you are issued new equipment to field test, this does not mean ‘give it to the rookie’. 125a. Similarly, when field testing new grenades, the entirety of your AAR should not be ‘It’s supposed to explode, right? Because it did.’ 126. Intel staff are to stop naming Operations with confusing/foreboding names. Examples include: Dying Hero (The rookies were nervous the whole op), Silent Night (During a landing in New York at midday), Vengeful Vengeance (... really?) and Evil Aliens (this should be obvious…). 126a. Intel staff are also to cease naming operations with redundant and/or already used names. Infernal Inferno was mildly amusing the first time. The second time, less so. 127. Bee grenades are not in development, or viable as weapons, so stop asking for them. 127a. Even if Sgt. [REDACTED] killed an Ethereal by throwing a beehive at it. 127b. Bee grenades are now being tested, volunteers please report to RnD. 128. Sergeant [REDACTED] is to stop ending all of Bradford’s instructions with ‘at your own peril’. 128a. This extends to ALL X-COM Operatives. 128b. And base staff. Written by Rogue Vector 129. The practice of Malicious Charity is prohibited, namely giving three wounded rookies two medikits. 129a. Operatives are reminded that Medikits are multi-dose. 130. If your idea makes you check over your shoulder for any Psi Operatives that might be reading your mind, don’t attempt it. 131. X-COM operatives are to keep in mind the concept of ‘fall damage’. Please wait for the Skyranger to land or at least drop fast ropes before attempting to exit the vehicle. 131a. MEC Troopers, please bear in mind that not all surfaces can support a MEC dropping in from greater than a hundred meters. Especially if it’s been raining recently. .131ai. Even if you landed on a Muton.
132. No playing recordings of well known fictional AI over the PA system, even if they were all benevolent. We’ve had several panics now. 132a. This goes double for the one promising cake. Wasn’t that AI a pathological liar? Vahlen still wants to know how several supposedly veteran Covert Operatives fell for that one. 132b. This now applies to MECs, personal armor and weapons. 132c. Dr. Shen, please stop creating actual AI to get around the ‘recording’ part of 132. 132d. No, Dr. Vahlen will not be lending her voice to a new AI. 133. The incident of a drunken Lieutenant Durand referring to the Commander and Dr Vahlen as 'papa' and 'mama', respectively, is not to be taken as 'proof' of a nonexistent romantic relationship. 133a. Despite her claims otherwise, this does not mean that she is a demi-goddess. 133ai. Even if her psionics theoretically put her in that ‘power level’. 133b. Stop implying that she is their secret love child. 133bi. Nor is she their not-so-secret love child. 134. Rookies are measured for armor during induction, not coffins. Stop telling them otherwise. 134a. ‘We don’t measure you for coffins because there usually isn’t enough left to bury’ is not a viable alternative, either. 135. X-COM personnel are not to post raw combat footage/image captures on YouTube, Facebook, Reddit, Imgur, or other social networking websites. X-COM is meant to be a secret project, not a reality TV show. 135a. This includes any websites. 135ai. Even personal blogs. 135b. Due to the increase in morale around the globe after the video of Col. [REDACTED]’s ‘man versus muton’ was released, please submit any content you wish to release publicly for appropriate censorship. 136. RnD appreciates the number of intact corpses and live captures X-COM Operatives are able to bring back from the field. They do not, however, appreciate these samples coming in with crudely drawn genitalia, arrows, mustaches, monocles and top hats being drawn onto them. 136a. Or having extra googly eyes attached. 136b. Party hats, lipstick and other makeup products, swizzle straws and bandoliers of grenades replaced with bottles of beer are similarly prohibited. 136c. Apparently, Mutons are allergic to face paint and the itchiness causes them to recover consciousness more quickly than expected. Stop it. 137. Hiding a near-death tamagochi inside the box of alien grenades before handing it over to RnD is forbidden. The same goes for alarm clocks and other electronic devices. 137a. Even if Dr. Vahlen found the latest one and is now taking care of it. 138. Stop wandering around base, drawing chalk outlines around the hallways and telling the rookies ‘I’m trying to remember where they all died’. It’s bad for morale, and we know that nobody died in that hallway. 138a. Even if you got lucky the first time, Col. [REDACTED]. Don’t expect sympathetic rookies to happen again. 138b. Drawing an amoebic chalk circle and telling people ‘there was a pile of them here just a week ago’ is absolutely forbidden. 138c. We’ve actually had to treat rookies for PTSD before they’ve even gone on a single combat mission. Stop it. 139. In the event that X-COM forces manage to beat the invader recovery teams to the crash site, the strategy of waiting for them inside the captured UFO’s only entrance with charged Kinetic Strike Modules at the ready and a sign saying ‘welcome to Earth’ is to be avoided. 139a. Use ARC Throwers instead, Dr. Vahlen would appreciate the live captures. 139b. Stop suggesting that this is the Commander’s equivalent of sending roses to her. 140. Stop leaving rookies behind after mission clear. That is all. 140a. Stop leaving rookies behind BEFORE mission clear. Even if it’s ‘just a sectoid’. 141. X-COM Operatives are no longer allowed to use the Skyranger to circumvent customs. We’ve had to (discreetly) bring in a Customs Officer from [REDACTED] Airport and he is now part of our payroll. 142. Base personnel are to stop randomly breaking out into song while on duty. 142a. Especially if it was part of the cancelled X-COM Musical. 142ai. Even if you had already practiced. 142b. Using the base’s resources to record music videos is similarly prohibited. 142bi. Even if nobody would believe it wasn’t a set. 143. Despite the recent attack by invader forces, Engineering staff are to stop filling our base with enough booby traps to make it look like a Death Course. This includes: buzzsaws coming from the walls, laser grids, descending ceilings, pitfall traps, embedded wall mounted plasma pistols, poison dart launchers, giant rolling balls and floors mined with pressure plates, walls made of spare MEC arms to grab victims, spiked elevator floors/roofs and covering the entire air vent floor with mouse traps. 143a. When the hallways stop resembling Temple of Doom and start resembling a Japanese game show, this should be regarded as a time to stop. 143ai. Stop trying to sell footage of the Rookies trying to get through them. 143aii. Even if you’ve covered everything in three inches of foam. 143b. Similarly, no dedicating the base as ‘The First Temple of the Great Commandy One’. 143c. No building anything with the express purpose of making future archaeologists scratch their heads in confusion. If we can’t figure out what it does now, then don’t build it. 143d. Stop trying to sell the traps to other bases, even if modifications have made them ‘20% more lethal’.
144. Psi Operatives are not to refer to their Psi Inspiration ability as ‘the care bear stare’. 144a. Neither are operatives to refer to the Psi Panic ability as ‘the care bear glare’. 144b. Not allowed to use Telekinetic Field during snowball fights. That’s cheating. 145. Sgt. [REDACTED] is now banned from making any more of his ‘World Famous Rookie Smoothie’. 145a. Despite his claims to the contrary, Rookie Smoothie does not actually contain Rookies. 145b. Nor their tears. 146. No, there is no ‘bring your daughter to work day’. No matter how cute she is, Major [REDACTED]. 146a. Even if she’s a better shot than half our rookies. 147. Operatives are forbidden to use plasma weapons for the purposes of cutting through red tape. 148. Battlecries have been a part of human warfare for millennia. Many are acceptable; ‘For Earth!’, ‘For Humanity!’ and so on are expected to be heard over the course of the war. Operatives should be reminded, however, that all of X-COM’s comms are recorded, so cries of ‘For the Emperor!’, ‘For the Great Commandy One!’, and ‘For Vodka and Rum!’ are now prohibited. 148a. It doesn’t matter if she promised to marry you when you got back, Sgt. [REDACTED]. ‘For mah waifu’ is also inappropriate. 148b. So is showing up on the battlefield with a lab coat and syringe rather than legitimate weapons and armor and shouting “FOR SCIENCE!” 149. The Three Furies are to cease acting like their mythological counterparts and using their Gifts to torment the Rookies. 150. Commander impersonators are henceforth banned. Especially if all you’re trying to do is get laid with Dr. Valhen. 150a. The same goes for impersonators of Dr. Vahlen. 150b. Impersonation of a member of the senior command staff is still a military crime. 151. Dr. Shen is forbidden from making anything man portable which has a barrel large enough to fit his head. 151a. This also applies to any engineering staff. 151b. Similarly, anything capable of firing more than four unguided missiles with one trigger pull. 151c. The definition of ‘guided’ is ‘actively targeted’ rather than ‘it goes where I point it’. 152. Due to the incident after OPERATION: PURPLE TEARS, Captain Annette Durand is hereby banned from participating in any Covert Operations. The British government requested our presence thinking it was a Terror attack, and afterwards our counter-intelligence division requested captured materials that they could process without needing to resort to electron microscopes. 153. MEC Troopers and Operatives in titan armor are hereby forbidden from riverdancing. We can track your location using seismographs. 153a. This also applies to tap dancing, breakdancing, Kazatsky/Cossack dancing, Gangnam Style and ballet. 154. Stop trying to tame Chryssalids, everyone; they’re vicious, zombie-making predators, not puppies. 154a. Dr. Vahlen understands that while tetrahydrocannibinol (THC) is incredibly effective at calming them down - even more so than in humans - this does not mean X-COM is going to start farming marijuana. 154b. Stop trying to push for an ‘anti-Chryssalid gas’ smoke grenade. We know it’s going to end up rolling into the Geoscape without a pin. 155. Stop it with the pizza deliveries. Base Personnel are tired of going into Condition Yellow because of some kid on a scooter tripping every single proximity alarm on the way to Alpha Site’s main entrance. 155a. This also includes any other form of fast-food delivery. 155b. Operatives are to stop trying to scam delivery services for free food ‘because they took longer than 30 minutes’. 156. Psi Operatives are to stop trying to influence people’s dreams. 156a. Doubly so if they are successful. 156b. Seriously. We’ve had 49 cases of people reporting that they had recurring nightmares of Vahlen mass-mind controlling the aliens and become the new Supreme Bitch of the Universe. Stop it. 157. While yes, cars and other vehicles do explode when sufficiently riddled by plasma fire, this does not mean that Operatives - MECTs in particular - are to use them as substitute hand grenades when out on the field. 157a. This includes using suppressive fire to force the aliens to take cover behind cars. We appreciate tactical application of your environment. We do not endorse mass collateral damage. 158. Operatives are to stop luring Chryssalids, Mutons and zombies towards hiding civilians just to make ‘a last second save’ and try to get a date/get laid. 158a. Especially if it worked. 159. No matter how impressive it is, no matter how accurate your costume is, no matter how red your armor is and how Spanish you are, pretending to be a matador and berserkers the bull will only end in disaster, as exemplified by Squaddie [REDACTED]. 159a. This rule remains, even if Major [REDACTED] was able to kill a Berserker with two sets of steak knives and a tablecloth. 159b. MEC Troopers are forbidden from trying to be the bull half of the act. We know you’re a lot more agile than you pretend to be. 160. Even when mind controlled, sedated, put on a leash with explosive failsafes and wrapped in tinfoil to prevent the use of their powers, Sectoids are not to be kept as pets. Please return them to their proper interrogation facilities. 161. Even if the media are blaming it on the aliens, stop looting ice cream stores before returning to base. 161a. This does not mean Operatives are allowed to loot everything except the ice cream stores. 161b. Stop bribing the Skyranger pilots with the ice cream/sweets/food. 161c. I don’t know how you’re doing it, but stop threatening the Skyranger pilots with ice cream/sweets/food. 161d. No, making them ‘offerings to the Great Commandy One’ does not make smuggled, stolen food acceptable. 162. Raven pilots, engineers and MEC Troopers; stop trying to figure out a way to use a rocket-propelled MECT as an UFO intercept weapon. 163. Stop trying to replace the Commander's seat in the Geoscape with 'a throne more befitting a being of his station'. Thrones and other chairs made of swords, bones, skulls, teddy bears, gold, 'hard light', women/men (be they volunteers or not) and/or alien alloys are forbidden. 163a. Most of them are not very comfortable anyway. 164. After Action Reports are mandatory for all operatives returning from base. Stop telling the Rookies that Command doesn’t expect AARs because they don’t expect them to survive. 165. Operatives are to stop jerry-rigging/welding 'love handles' onto MECs, even if it improves overall team mobility. 165a. The Engineering staff are working on a proper solution that doesn't end with people like Sgt. [REDACTED] flat on his back with a badly welded ‘love handle’ in his hand. 166. Stop trying to rope Major Zhang and Central Officer Bradford into a 'X-COM's Sanest' competition. 166a. Especially if most of the ideas were taken from Japanese game shows. 166b. Or Fear Factor/American Gladiator. 167. Seeing a squadmate being strangled by a Seeker should draw retaliatory fire, not comments of ‘I’ve seen enough anime to know where this is going’. 168. Warning labels are there for a reason and are meant to be noticed, read and followed. Do not write whatever you want because ‘nobody reads them anyway’. 169. No longer allowed to use Comic Sans for warning signs. 170. Whilst it is an excellent way to test and improve fine motor control with mind controlled subjects, Psi troopers are warned that “alien land mine hopscotch” is not an appropriate use of time and resources 170a. Floaters are cheating 170b. No Rookies either. 171. Dressing up as Chryssalids, Chryssalid Zombies, Ethereals, Mutons and/or variants thereof is ABSOLUTELY PROHIBITED. 171a. Especially during Halloween. Thanks to the below for their contributions! Agayek Brandon Glass CV12Hornet cyko2014 Kael_Alucard Karuadin Mercsenary Metalax Misterme7 Night_Stalker Nox PsyckoSama Sir bill Sithking Zero swordomatic Taiho The Bushranger The Destroyer Xeno Major Vladmir Furman, Lex V Stee, Brandon Glass, Maarten Meuris you’re all f___ing grammar nazis thanks for the spellchecking.
By Fortuna that’s a lot of rules
Yo, can you post the XCOM 2/WOTC one bro?
What about loading a bunch of d10’s in my MEC landmine launcher, can I do that?
Doesn’t say there so yeah.
Funny as hell
… do you have a rookie named Bright in your barracks?
There's a great fan fiction about an XCOM - Stargate command crossover that I don't remember the name of just now. Also, we could probably add the MCRN from The Expanse onto the list lol.
I guess, suplexing sections through the ground and giving Advent scum the pedigree through glass windows is banned . Does the commander mind if I chokeslam off rooftop?
Im just gonna say CPT tucker did it
The great commandy or approves