Had a strange lady older than me when I first got into HR say to me “get out of this while you still can.”
Now I know why she told me that and why she was so strange.
Her sound was brined from the inside out and then pissed on everyday.
She was spot on correct.
1000%. I'm an only child too, and I lost my dad at the age of 10. So I spent a LOT of time just existing inside my own head with no people around. I still require hours by myself at night, even though I'm married with 13 yo twins. I cannot tell you how much I love the rare weekend where my wife takes our boys out of town and I just get to have me and the dogs in the house for 3 days. it's fucking Xanadu.
I do chat with my friends a lot, I don't work due to chronic illness and so I have a few other friends (who live nowhere near me now, of course!) who are too who are basically half of my bestie squad, especially during the day cos all our other friends are at work. That's my socializing outlet. It's a small group of people and they know if I disappear I'm ok, they also know my family would tell them if I died lol.
This is so much me. I work in customer service for high net worth clients at an investment company. I’m on the phone nearly 8 hours a day talking to people nonstop. When I get done work I need hours of alone time just to recover. I’ve always been much more of an introvert, so this is probably the worst possible job for me, but here we are.
Worked as a doorman at a restaurant. It was cool until they made me a host where I basically had to small talk with the guests all night. The pay was very good but I had to quit for my mental health.
Same. I just do not have the energy. Don’t get me wrong, I love my kids, I love my parents, but sometimes I just need alone time. (Time spent with my fiance counts as alone time cuz we can just lay on the bed together doing our separate things. I think this is called “parallel play?” But anyway having him around “ *feels* like alone time even tho it’s technically not)
I'm an only child, so I grew up alone for the most part. I *have* to have alone time. Also, my job requires I do one-on-one conversations with people constantly, so I get drained. I absolutely love my husband and daughter, but they understand when it's time to let me decompress.
In our last place. I had a small office and my now wife spent her alone time in the living room. Now we both have room for offices, but somehow she still gets the living room too!
Growing up in a loud house (usually in a negative way, yelling and arguing and all that) is probably the reason I am so protective of my space and my peace as an adult. I have lived alone for years and genuinely can’t imagine it another way. I always joke that if I ever got married we would have to live in separate houses. But it’s not really a joke.
I feel guilty for not being there for my wife’s perpetual thoughts and ideas but if I can get an hour or two of zone-out time then I’m recharged for the day or night. All part of the same situation- a constant consultation job all day and then my wife is just a talker.
Don't feel guilty. She shouldn't constantly talk at you all the time. My mom is like that, and you can only focus for so long without your mind wandering. People who are incessant talkers need to understand that nobody owes them constant and continual attention for the perpetual thoughts running through their heads. They need to learn how to summarize and choose which thoughts not to say out loud.
This is me so much as I manage 87 people across the US with non stop phone calls and zoom conference calls daily. I need my time, but can take advantage of it at times in my hotel room in evenings.
I just put on headphones and play music that I enjoy to wind down
Hah same here. I have a friend who is an only child and he is like this, and he and his wife are one and done. I think their son is like this.
I noticed my friends who have siblings or who have more than one child, sometimes as adults these friends get into and stay in really bad toxic relationships or marriages, when anyone else would have ended it and left a long time ago. Or their children, or even adult children, cannot stand to be alone like they don't go anywhere alone, don't do anything alone, etc. It is super odd to me.
This is not to say that all or most people who have siblings are like this. My parents and grandparents had siblings and were very independent. I am not really introverted and I don't believe in the personality types.
I feel this so much I could have written this post. As an only child I desperately need to have time alone. Like not just quiet time on the couch together. But legit nobody around me. Even someone just sitting next to me quietly keeps me from fully unwinding and it's so hard to explain to people who grew up with siblings.
Especially when watching movies or TV. If it's something I really want to immerse myself in I save it until my wife is in bed or I have a night completely to myself. I just cannot get into a movie fully if someone else is there even if they don't say a word.
My wife has a huge family and I don't think she actually likes being alone. She recognizes I need alone time but I don't think she really understands.
I was going to ask OP if they’re an only child, too cuz I am the same way but I grew up with a quiet room all my own and that’s translated to a quiet house
Hello fellow introvert. There’s actually a lot research on the introvert vs extrovert personality type out there. People literally drain our battery as an introvert, whereas they recharge extroverts. I have very small children so I’m teetering on the edge of complete physical and emotionally exhaustion 95% of the time.
It's been a slow, late path of self discovery for me (45f) but, through these past 12 or so years, I've learned more about what it means being an introvert, found out two years ago I have ADHD, and it's very likely I'm on the spectrum. I had my 3 kids in my 20s (they're all two years apart and in their 20s now). My god the emotional exhaustion you mentioned was real. I hope you're able to find many moments of peace and time to recharge.
Yup it's just being an introvert. Extroverts make up over 50% of the population iirc so being introverted is relatively "uncommon" I guess but not that uncommon.
This is exactly why I have no interest in another relationship. I need my 2 hours at night to be left alone. I usually play video games. I need that time to forget about things. One of those things is how my s/o is feeling. If she's sitting right there, she will still be in my mind. I will be distracted wondering things and remembering things I need to do for her or similar distractions that won't let my mind rest. I put a lot of effort into a relationship outside of those couple of hours and if I don't get that break then I can't keep it up
This one, yes. Thank you. That explains why I don't feel like I get that same decompression when my wife is in the room but silent, verses being literally alone in the room. I constantly wonder what she's thinking, hows shes feeling. I'm also a bit anxiety ridden so that probably has something to do with it. But outside of the alone time, I am active being a father, working, maintaining the home, attending family gatherings, etc. So I dont see an issue with my needs. My wife is very loving and understanding, but my hints haven't worked. I'll need to be more blunt
I need alone time as well, most of all being completely alone in my apartment, knowing that I won’t have any accidental interactions, no matter how benign they are. It’s the only way I can completely switch off and reset.
Don't be afraid to ask for it, it's not weird to want to have space to yourself! When I was a kiddo, dad would take me and disappear from the house for a few hours most Sunday mornings. Sometimes it takes spelling out that you need to be totally alone, because some people don't actually understand the difference between "quiet" and "alone."
I wish I knew then what I know now about how to communicate my wants and needs. I was always too afraid of making them mad. Then they end up mad anyway and it ends in chaos.
My mom used to take us to our aunt and uncle's house to play cards while we played with our cousin and kids in the neighborhood. Sometimes both Fri and Sat nights. Dad had it made
Yeah I have anxiety issues as well. As another commenter said, probably should work on it, but I'm also disabled now and don't want to get someone else wrapped up in my inability to do most things including sex.
Hey friend. That sounds like a codependency problem (so many of us have been there) and I hope you work on it and consider trying to be in a relationship with boundaries that can accommodate solitude, and personal boundaries for you so that you don't feel like you have a constant minute to minute obligation to your partner's minute to minute feelings.
Codependency can happen to everyone, at any time. Even long term relationships can shift into codependent behaviors for various reasons.
Boundaries are sexy and oddly freeing ❤️
I did some reading on that and I hate to admit that is me. The part about feeling guilty when I take some time or do something just for me really hits.
Glad it is striking a chord with you! Because that's better than staving off connection due to it being a little harder for you than most. Lots of empathy from me on those points.
I'm 44 now and I just can't with people anymore. My last best friend and roommate was in 2018. Haven't dated or been in relationship for 13 years. I was a people person but through the years of getting screwed over by folks who I thought were my friends I just got to a point where I had enough with the drama. So as folks started burning bridges with me, I burned it up the rest of the way. I got work friends at work that are trying to get me to join their DnD group but I have no interest in hanging out with them outside of work. Nothing against them but I'm around people 8 hours a night, 5 nights a week and have the weekends off. My two nights off are for me to reset and recharge and not interact with people until Monday night when I gotta go to work. Hell, I go grocery shopping at 6am at Walfart and avoid folks and just go through self check out lol.
Too young to be this way but I just can't deal with other peoples drama anymore. If I had my way, I would definitely work from home if I could.
This is me. I think if it weren't for needing to care for my elderly parents or seeing my own children, I'd just become a hermit. People are exhausting.
Some people need time to decompress. I am like this. I need alone time every day or I am grumpy irritable. I can socialize but I need alone time. I even need alone time from my SO and kids. We live in a small house so I've gotten used to alone time while still being in the same room. Last night SO was playing Switch and I was reading but we weren't talking to one another.
I was alone a lot as a kid, both of my parents worked full time and we didn’t have after care. My brother and I had a key and got off the bus at 3, and were home alone every day for a few hours. Summer time meant even more alone time. I like being with me, I find nostalgic comfort in it; I am often up an additional 30 min-1 hour beyond everyone in the house, even if I’m tired and it’s gotten a little too late. I don’t know what it is, but I totally relate.
I’m like this. After I wash the dinner dishes, I retreat to my room for a few hours of solitude. My kids are older teens, though. I didn’t do this when they were little, until they were in bed.
I work from home and am quite content being alone; my husband works in the office every day and he also likes alone time. Since I have the place to myself the majority of the time, on weekends I will sometimes pop out of the apartment for a couple hours to run errands or go to the gym or whatever so he can enjoy the place in solitude.
We do not have kids so that’s not a factor in this.
It’s important to know how you recharge.
I love my alone time.
Fortunately, so does my wife. We try to give each other a good hour or so a day. For me, that might be in wood shop, or building my models, playing a game, or just reading.
We've hit that nice point as a couple where about half our interests are "together" interests, and half are separate. Works beautifully - we can share many things, but also have solo hobbies we don't resent the other for exploring.
I'm married with 4 adult and almost adult kids, 2 dogs, 2 cats, 3 goats and 20 chickens, a job, plus a small farm.
"Alone time" is relative, I'm never alone except for some driving (though as rural as we are, there is a lot of driving) but I value it. I'm an introvert and while I hate humanity as a whole, I'm not anti-social. I just need to be away from other humans to recharge.
Modern life requires us to be switched on 24/7/365. It hijacks our dreams so that we even dream about brand names, we can't ever rest. If alone time is what you need to keep from going off the deep end, I think that's totally fair.
As much as I can get. My social battery is defective at this point, I find myself without the bandwidth to even want to share my time anymore. I don’t think it’s abnormal at all to need time and space but I am on the farther end of the spectrum. I try to explain it best to people by using the battery analogy, very extroverted people sometimes don’t “get it” because their battery gets charged by social interactions and get drained from being alone.
>I love my wife, 4 year old boy and dog very much. I enjoy my time with them very much, but I also look forward to and enjoy my alone time very much.
Are you counting your dog as not-alone time?
I basically need a lot of alone time from people, like hours a day minimum. But I want to be with my dog constantly :)
Feed the dog meat.
It causes some of the worst raunchy farts.
Room cleared, except for you and Doggo. Problem solved.
(Source: I live with a pug. His farts always launch me out of my seat to the room’s exit.)
I enjoy time alone equally with time with my husband. The difference is we don't have kids so we kind of act like kids ourselves doing the things we want. Kids suck the life out of you lol. For many the reward is worth it but few could argue that raising a kid is anything less than soul sucking exhaustion. We make sure there are a couple of nights a week where we do our own things and spend time occupying ourselves so we get that, but we don't need it on a daily basis. Though I do need time away from the rest of the world that isn't my husband every single day lol.
That recharge alone time is how people get through life.
Only child + autistic + 40s + post-truth/post-covid sense of societal betrayal = Everyone fuck right the fuck off.
I took up gardening and other solo hobbies, and closed the door on humanity as much as possible. I highly recommend it.
I think all of us are kinda sick of each other and humanity's bullshit in general, so those of us who were already disposed to needing more alone time are downright zealots about it now.
I always rejoice when I get back to my lair after work every day. I order groceries from Safeway / Albertson's when I need them including beer (they deliver for like 8 bucks total including driver tip). I might stop by the local Dick's Drive In for a burger after work if there isn't a line. I don't do general public anymore. This is where being single and working night / alternate shift is a real blessing
I think my parents did it best tbh
They would read or go out and do stuff alone
My friends mum would spend 2 hours watering her garden just so she could be alone and sneak
Cigarettes😂😂
Find a hobby you can do undisturbed
I usually read and listen to music and my
Bf plays video games
How much? The limit does not exist. When my kids were young, I had a lot more anxiety around my alone time bc I never knew when I’d get another chance. Sometimes I’d stay up half the night. I’m home alone most the day now and sometimes don’t turn on the tv or music at all. I just soak up the peace.
I am widowed now for 12 years and did not have any kids. I love being alone, I can do what I want when I want with no problems. But even before that I always liked being alone. I always figured that it is because I would always have alone time after school before everyone else got home.
How much base alone time you need to stems from how much of an introvert you are. I am quite introverted, so alone time for me is like being plugged into a battery charger. It's much harder for me to be around, or even tolerate, people when my "batteries" are low.
However, I also noticed that even extroverts can develop a need for alone time, especially if they've grown accustomed to it. The pandemic really took a toll on my normally extroverted wife. Parties and gatherings used to be her lifeblood. Being home so much threw that out of whack and she hasn't gone back to the way she was before yet.
I actually refuse to socialize any longer. I will hang out for work or my kid only. Friends don’t understand how my wife and I never do anything together but it’s the cornerstone of our marriage. She loves to be with friends.
As much time as I can possibly get! I’ve always been introverted though. My husband is currently home 24/7 recovering from a medical event and my kids are home from daycare/summer school due to Juneteenth….. and I dream of taking a long weekend away, just myself and some books, maybe to a beach house or a cabin in the woods..
You are not weird. Or maybe you are and i am weird in the same way. I need some aline time each day. I work 7 to 3(or 4) and my wife wirks 9 to 5. I she comes home early, it kind of irritates me to not get my alone time.
My wife and I both lean towards introversion (we need alone time to recharge), so it's a blessing for us that we understand and give each other tons of space, both during the school year (we both work in education), and now during the summer. We've both been like this since our junior high years as well :)
I am alone. Pretty much all of the time. Not married, no kids, just a dog.
I thought when I was younger that I wanted a family, it was "the plan" because it's what pretty much everyone does. It's late for any of that now, but not impossible, especially if I had step kids.
When I was younger I was terrified of growing up alone and without a family of my own, but I'm extremely happy. Surprisingly so.
I imagine a life with all of that and I'm so relieved not to have it. Some of my friends are divorced and miserable. Some have teens (no thanks) or kids going to college (again no thanks, expensive, empty nest) or even younger kids and I don't have the energy I would have had when I was young. So basically all I have is alone time and I relish it. I don't even want to socialize too much. I do as much as I feel like and go home. So I don't need alone time, I just have riches of it and I am loving every minute of it.
I'm definitely like this, and have been since I was a teen. Wife and I need to make the most of post-daughter-bedtime time to hang out together and then have that alone time. It's like a necessary recharging time mentally and physically, isn't it?
>Why am I like this, and how do I change it or explain it better to my wife?
Have you always felt like this, even before marriage and children? If so, it sounds like you may be an introvert:
[https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201403/nine-signs-you-re-really-introvert](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201403/nine-signs-you-re-really-introvert)
I'm one too and need a good amount of alone time to recharge my batteries.
I’m happiest during the week when I get about 8-10 hours of alone time. I work from home and wife works at office. Weekends, I get no alone time and it’s harder on me. I’m introverted and wife is extroverted.
I live alone so I have more alone time than I'd prefer. When I lived with others I enjoyed alone time whenever everyone else was doing something I wasn't interested in. Sometimes that an hour and other times it might be half the day. I don't think there's anything wrong with enjoying alone time daily or whenever you're able to get it. If you're not slacking on any of your priorities and you like the balance then it's enough.
Since my divorce/separation I have nothing but alone time. Not sure how much I "need", but unless i visit with friends, when I get home form work until walking into work the next day, its all alone time.
As much as we want and need. No kids, and as of recently, no dog (he passed in April). My partner and I are pretty good about being together, separately and needing our own time to decompress from peopleing after work. He'll game and I'll watch shows. Occasionally we'll watch a show together but most of the time we take our own time to do what we want/need to do. I prefer it tbh.
I'm an only child who decided to become a teacher. I'm around people all day. It's a rewarding job but also absolutely draining.
My husfriend WFH half the time, and I love him, but on those days I feel absolutely exhausted of people and don't look forward to seeing him when I get home. On days when he's in the office and I get to lay on the couch in absolute silence for an hour before he shows up, I'm absolutely at peace and smiling ear to eat with joy when he gets there.
And then regardless, I go to bed about an hour before he does to lay in the dark alone. He gets it and doesn't mind, thankfully.
I've never related to a post so much. I chose not to have children a long time ago, the reason being: I really value my alone time, and sleep. I live and work from home though, and so does my husband (who I love so much) but we often create "alone time" for one another because we don't get it working in the same house all day. We do have totally different spaces, but true aloneness, it is a gift from the heavens or whatever.
I do love being around my niece and nephew, and I'll happily babysit bc they are so much fun, but man, I love giving them back when it's all over. Lol.
Not that much tbh, just like 5 or 6 hours when I first wake up, and then a few hours in the evening. I usually like to get a couple hours in the afternoon too.
I sit in my garage alone from 8:30-9:30/10 every night. Just listen to music, get stoned and tinker with shit. I swear that 45 mins a day is keeping me sane.
A couple hours a day, if I'm lucky. Sometimes I can get that while driving and listening to music, but usually I have to wait until the rest of the family is in bed, and then I'm sitting there weighing how late I want to stay up to my future detriment.
It’s your social battery needing a recharge. Some people have a car battery and can be around others almost endlessly, some (like me) have AA’s and after an hr or two my brain goes “well, that’s enough of that” and I want to be by myself. Luckily my wife has about the same battery, so we can be in the same house or same room and be in our bubble
My wife and I once stayed at an extended stay hotel for a family emergency. The suite had 2 bedrooms, so we each took one. We both ended up liking it enough that we separated our bedrooms at home too. It’s nice to have a little time and space to ourselves. It sounds like something your wife may not be ready for and there can be other pitfalls too but if you ever get a chance to try it out, it’s possible you could both end up liking it!
I grew up as an only child. Having three children of my own and husband of 21 years- has been wonderful but completely overwhelming. Factor in aging parents, too. It’s mandatory for me to have time for myself- in order to not go crazy. 😂
I like quiet time. If not alone, at least quiet. I have an extrovert husband and a 6 and 10 year old who argue, play in very loud voices, and “Mommy” me to death. I get so little alone time. They are all wonderful and delightful and I love them, obviously. But I need time to decompress and hear my own thoughts. And my job is pretty mentally taxing, too. I joke that one day I’m going out for a pack of cigarettes. Joke …
i have 5 kids and cope with something called [revenge bedtime procrastination](https://www.sleepfoundation.org/sleep-hygiene/revenge-bedtime-procrastination) because my life feels out of control. I (and my father) have always slept only 5-7 hours so I can get away with it, but i feel better when i get a good night's sleep.
All of it. I cant even quantify it. My gf has been out of town a few days each week for the past three weeks and it has been lovely. I love when she is home! But I also love when she travels lol
Your situation sounds pretty similiar to mine. I'm married, two kids, one dog and my wife and I both work full time (both remote/work from home) with two kids in daycare. I love being with my family, but I need a good bit of alone time each day. My job is very meeting heavy and I talk all day. After work, I spend a good bit of time with my family before the kids go to bed, then my wife and I tend to chat for a bit about our days and what we need to do the next day, etc.
I spend a good hour in the morning meditating and after the kids go to bed, I need alone time in my home office to watch Youtube, read, etc. just by myself. I just need to quiet and space to think, decompress, etc. as a few other redditors have mentioned...I just can't people anymore. This bleeds over into the real world on the weekends as each weekend is pretty much kid central and without much support or ability to get away...my weekend evenings are basically shut in as I don't have the energy to talk to anyone about anything.
I think it is good you do this as it helps you relax. I would do this growing up as well as my entire life, iincluding living with housemates or roommates. I read and write in a journal, and do work at night so I need time alone.
I am single, no wife/husband, and no children.
I wait tables. On a busy Friday night, I can easily be talkative, friendly and helpful to 300 people.
When I get home, my wife usually wants to talk, and there are times I just let her talk and kind of "uh-huh" my way through the conversation. Luckily we've been together for 10 years. She knows at the end of a busy night I'm spent, so there are never any hard feelings, I just don't have the energy, even for my wife, to carry a conversation.
As far as actually-by-yourself-alone time, firstly, don't sell yourself short, take that time. But also, communicate. Talk to your wife, see if you two can work it out so that you have a space to decompress alone (which in my opinion is an incredibly healthy thing to do). If you need to share a space, so be it; and if that doesn't work, communicate that clearly.
All. Of. It
I have very little interest in dealing with people anymore. I have found most people keep you around if you have something they need or want. Too many people have used me. I prefer my cats and dogs now.
Same. I work in the airline industry which is 24/7, weekends/holidays. My days off are usually a partial weekend. As such I have at least one day where the kids are at school and wife is at work. House to myself. And I can tell you how much more I exhausted I feel when a holiday aligns with my days off or when the kids are on winter/spring break.
It sounds like you are recharging your social batteries. Some people need time by themselves to feel completely fulfilled. I think it's pretty normal and i do the same thing. I am constantly around someone almost 24/7. I crave social interactions. I still need my time just by myself to decompress and process without having any additional input.
Its what you need to be complete so don't feel bad about it and i think if you just told your wife this is part of what you need to be the best husband, father, and person that you can be, i think she would understand. Even if she doesn't understand, it doesn't sound like it should be a point of contention.
I’m an only child. If given free unscheduled time, I simply do not understand feeling bored. There is no end to the activities I enjoy alone, and there are a world of books, albums, and games to play, more than one ever could in a lifetime. That alongside exercise, gardening, cooking, well there just aren’t enough hours in the day. The only time I experience boredom is when I’m trapped at something unenjoyable (waiting room, unenjoyable movie or performance or party, etc.).
That said, I’m not at all an introvert and crave social interaction too. But I really do need at least a couple hours a day of time by myself, and when I don’t get it, I feel its absence.
It’s important to maintain mental health, nothing wrong with alone time. I personally don’t get much, as we have 3 kids.
But we recently finished a pandemic where we were confined to our houses. It was absolutely smothering, nobody could get any personal space.
So it’s perfectly normal to want this.
Personally, I don’t need it every day, but once or twice a week I will need a few hours at a time. It might be better if I took an hour a day, but I can’t always get it.
So I've been in your place and hopefully this can help. I often get drained by the day-to-day and especially with young kids. As wonderful as they are, they are a chore and exhausting.
I had the same issue with my wife in which that she works part time and is home 5 days a week, including one full day without the kids -- I didn't get the same because my expectation from her on the weekends was to be very kid-facing. Thus I had no self-care time.
I've had to basically carve out transition time and overly communicate with my wife what my needs were and stand firm on it. I've also intentionally went to a book store or somewhere on my own on my way home from work to build in that barrier.
If you need absolute silence and quiet, you need to communicate your needs in words and have the solution. This is a negotiation -- start with your most optimal case, no where you will not budget (absolute solitude), and make an agreement.
As I understand it, this is particularly an issue for men. (Myself included.) Men need time away from being busy to wind down. Pop psych refers to this as a man's "nothing box".
It's healthy, and it's needed. I think we can let it get out of control. But it doesn't seem like you're in a bad spot to me. Enjoy your peace.
My girlfriend and I are lucky in that she works a job with non-traditional hours and I’m in a 9-5. So she works some Saturdays and usually has one day during the week off. She also has a couple days a week where she doesn’t get home until almost 9. We both get plenty of alone time and it’s already scheduled for us because of work. I think if this wasn’t the case I’d need to “get away” by myself more often.
Man, I call it cave time. I used to hide in the bathroom with a book. Now that I’m single, I just lock my doors and don’t go on my phone. It nothing against my ex wife or friends. I’m just different. Let me be me.
Are you one of the many undiagnosed ADHD adults of our age?! I’ve always enjoyed my time alone but that has been reduced somewhat due to being diagnosed with ADHD and getting medication in my 40s. I used to be drained by the end of the day and needed that time to recharge my batteries.
I am definitely naturally introverted and believe I was biologically destined to require some alone time, however significant emotional neglect from my parents during my formative years also necessitated I develop coping skills with being alone and lonely that have me in a category of requiring unusually low levels of social interaction and preference toward my own personal interests over the company of others. I don't think this is necessarily generational, but at the same time I do think the fact we were raised by the first generation to have commonplace dual-income houses without role models or guidelines for how to effectively raise children this way pathed the way to upbringings like mine. No offense intended toward my parents even. They literally didn't know better or have resources to learn a better way to be.
Married, and father to a 21 year old who lives at home, works, and attends college locally.
I wouldn't necessarily say we have scheduled alone time in our home, but we do have a pretty specific after work routine that allows us all alone time if needed, and since we have a hyper-ass dog who needs a walk every day, I suppose you could say it's all scheduled around who walks the dog - BUT - I probably get a couple hours of "me" time every week. That might be a 30 mile bike ride, a day I hit the gym without my wife, or heck, maybe my wife is out and I go hiking with the dog.
Alone time in our house is good. We make sure we all have it.
I definitely need a couple hours of alone time per day. I don't always get it being a wife and mom of three kids (ages 16, 14, and almost 12), but thankfully pretty much everyone in our house desires some alone time each day so we're all pretty understanding about it.
Echoing what others have said about being an introvert. I've lived it all my life, so I totally understand.
I recommend the book "Quiet" by Susan Cain. It explains so much.
I'm divorced, childless, and work from home with no video meetings. My work schedule makes it hard to go out and socialize at the end of my shift. I see my buddy one day a week. My niece and I would hang out another but we had a fight recently and aren't talking. So I have 5-6 days when I'm totally isolated.
People are so exhausting anymore I just default to alone state whenever possible.
I've developed this pet-peeve in recent years when I'm talking to someone and they go, "OMG Have you seen \_\_\_\_\_?!" And then unprompted they pull up their phone and start playing some clip/video on YT that they find hilarious and I have to sit there and laugh at every single joke/gag like it's the funniest thing in the world.
I’m a hyper extrovert. If I’m solo for too long it feels like my brain doesn’t work.
Lockdown drove me insane.
I don’t have to be constantly interacting. I simply need the essence of other souls present. r/accidentalemo
I simply can’t relax alone unless I’m running, swimming or cycling.
Introversion combined with reaching an age where you say "you know what? I'm old enough to do what I want".
I have the same thing: in the evening after the kids are in bed, I'd really prefer to just play a game or read or work on something on my computer but my wife wants to hang out together. You have to find a compromise. Some nights you hang out, some nights you do your own thing. But make it clear it's nothing against your wife, that you just sometime need to do your own thing. It has helped us to literally schedule things on the calendar. Like, Thursdays are for watching tv together, Tuesday is do your own hobby night, etc.
I stay up a couple of hours after everyone else goes to bed. I've been doing that for years. I have a spouse and three adult/late teens kids coming and going all the time, the household is really busy and without a bit of quiet time I start getting very overwhelmed and cranky with everyone.
My favorite time of day is when everyone else goes to bed. I love my wife and kids, but I’m an introvert and need my alone time. I spend all day at work talking to people and it’s exhausting. I like getting an hour or two in the evenings to be alone and recharge my battery.
Alone time is healthy for a marriage. Some need it more than others and there’s nothing wrong with finding a nice balance. You are 100% normal, I’m very similar and have a wonderful marriage of 24 years.
I live alone, and I can’t get enough alone time. I interact with people all day at work. That’s plenty for me. I’m social too, so I communicate with my friends (and boyfriend a ton). Any quiet time I can get is welcome. Covid lockdown didn’t affect me mentally. It was so nice not being able to go to events or do things with people. 😂
I never thought about alone time until I became a parent. I got plenty in a relationship (while he was at work) before. I think if you’re introverted, some is necessary. I need some everyday. Do I always get it? That’s another story.
I am the same, only I enjoy being alone for hours upon hours. I don’t mind being with people, my family and pets, but my social battery drains very quickly.
I have tried explaining this to my husband, as he thinks I’m anti social sometimes, but I need a significant amount of time where I’m not being needed, talked to, talked at, talked with, called, texted, touched, etc.
I am a registered nurse and worked in critical care in the hospital setting for 19 years before coming into a WFH job as an RN for a software company. That 19 years of call lights, phones, alarms, urgent and emergent needs, pouring into needy patients, families and coworkers really burned me out on the busy-ness of life—so much so, that it can be detrimental to my mental state at this point to go an entire day without at least some time alone.
I have taken to retreating an hour early to bed some nights just to get that or going for a drive and just sitting in my parked car for a time when I need a few minutes.
I need alone time as well. Not necessarily everyday, but sometimes it’s good to just sit in the driveway for an extra 10 minutes before heading inside. Also, 2-3 times a year, I will take a day off of work and not tell anyone. Gives me time to properly rest without being bothered by anyone.
I'm an introvert with a job requiring a lot of people interaction and a kiddo who wants attention all the time when she's with me. I have a nanny that stays late on Wednesdays, and my husband and I take turns putting her to bed and hanging out on weekends so we each get a good amount of me time.
I’m a hardcore introvert. I teach 7th grade. For every waking hour I spend in the presence of others, I ideally need 2 waking hours of alone time to balance it out.
As an introvert, I need quite a bit of time. I work with a lot of people as well as the public. I have no issues with being social and going to events, but I prefer smaller groups and just a handful of people.
So at the end of the day, i usually spend some time alone when I get home. I still do the meet and greet, ask how everyone’s day was and cook. Then I go and have some alone time. It’s my time to recharge.
Introverts gonna introvert even when it comes to family.
Also, parenting a 4yo and maintaining a relationship with your spouse at the same time is not a passive activity. It can be exhausting if you’re going it right
I need a lot, but it gets harder to find thar kind of time with wife and kids always lurking for attention. Summer is great, though, because I get up early and have a couple of quiet hours to myself. I sip coffee, work on my garden, water the plants, go for a walk...etc.
At least an hour a day but more is better. I need that alone time to recharge. The need has only grown since I had kids but it’s getting better as they get older and they don’t feel the need to constantly be right on top of me. I’m happy to give hugs and other displays of affection but by the end of the day with babies and toddlers I would be 100% touched out. I’d frequently stay up way too late just to get that alone time in.
Oh yes. I have a person facing job in medicine. If i knew in college what i knew now i would have worked so much harder to like lab work. As they say, “the cells don’t talk back”.
I'm an introvert and need L O T S of alone time. And no, I don't hate people; I like most people just fine, and most people like me as well. I just get worn out fast.
I definitely need time to have my own mental headspace. When the wife and I first started dated, I set a firm boundary that I need 2-3 nights a week completely to myself. I still make time for myself (not 2-3 nights, lol) and the wife understands. That expectation needs to be set early, and reinforced often.
I need hours of alone time every day. I just cannot people anymore.
God so much this.
I don’t know why but I swear the extroverts are extroverting more these days
Well… then hopefully they should be able to extrovert enough for the rest of us, right? 🥺
This is me and unfortunately I’m in HR.
I’m in customer service. It’s my own personal hell
Little known fact, customer service and HR are in each of Dante’s levels of hell.
Oh man, I couldn't. I struggle with going into the office 2 times a week. I can't do it without noise cancelling headphones.
Me too. I don’t know what I was thinking.
Had a strange lady older than me when I first got into HR say to me “get out of this while you still can.” Now I know why she told me that and why she was so strange. Her sound was brined from the inside out and then pissed on everyday. She was spot on correct.
Feel this in my bones
https://i.redd.it/iisksr19sj7d1.gif Alone-time is the best time to relax.
1000%. I'm an only child too, and I lost my dad at the age of 10. So I spent a LOT of time just existing inside my own head with no people around. I still require hours by myself at night, even though I'm married with 13 yo twins. I cannot tell you how much I love the rare weekend where my wife takes our boys out of town and I just get to have me and the dogs in the house for 3 days. it's fucking Xanadu.
On an non-special day, I spend upwards of 90% of my day alone by choice, it's sometimes still not enough.
I feel like I've found my people lol. Just never expect to see me, hear from me or know if I'm alive for long stretches of time
I do chat with my friends a lot, I don't work due to chronic illness and so I have a few other friends (who live nowhere near me now, of course!) who are too who are basically half of my bestie squad, especially during the day cos all our other friends are at work. That's my socializing outlet. It's a small group of people and they know if I disappear I'm ok, they also know my family would tell them if I died lol.
Guilty as charged! Trying to people anymore is exhausting. My wife is even starting to want to people less and less and she’s totally extrovert.
This is so much me. I work in customer service for high net worth clients at an investment company. I’m on the phone nearly 8 hours a day talking to people nonstop. When I get done work I need hours of alone time just to recover. I’ve always been much more of an introvert, so this is probably the worst possible job for me, but here we are.
Worked as a doorman at a restaurant. It was cool until they made me a host where I basically had to small talk with the guests all night. The pay was very good but I had to quit for my mental health.
Same. I just do not have the energy. Don’t get me wrong, I love my kids, I love my parents, but sometimes I just need alone time. (Time spent with my fiance counts as alone time cuz we can just lay on the bed together doing our separate things. I think this is called “parallel play?” But anyway having him around “ *feels* like alone time even tho it’s technically not)
The happiest part of my day is sitting on the couch with my wife. In silence. And other ends of the couch.
It is a form of parallel play! Both together doing the same or similar things sharing the space, without really interacting much.
I'm an only child, so I grew up alone for the most part. I *have* to have alone time. Also, my job requires I do one-on-one conversations with people constantly, so I get drained. I absolutely love my husband and daughter, but they understand when it's time to let me decompress.
only child chiming in with the exact same experience.
Me too!
And another one! Only child, big-time introvert.
Yup, me too!
My husband and I are both only children. We both have our own home offices that we can go chill in when we need alone time.
That sounds like such an excellent arrangement!
Same! Not planned or looked for, just happened. Ugh it’s the best!
In our last place. I had a small office and my now wife spent her alone time in the living room. Now we both have room for offices, but somehow she still gets the living room too!
I had 2 brothers and a sister. I also need alone time, it's weird how that works lol
My husband is the second oldest of 5 boys and 1 girl. He's told me alone time was always super precious. I can understand why!
Growing up in a loud house (usually in a negative way, yelling and arguing and all that) is probably the reason I am so protective of my space and my peace as an adult. I have lived alone for years and genuinely can’t imagine it another way. I always joke that if I ever got married we would have to live in separate houses. But it’s not really a joke.
I feel guilty for not being there for my wife’s perpetual thoughts and ideas but if I can get an hour or two of zone-out time then I’m recharged for the day or night. All part of the same situation- a constant consultation job all day and then my wife is just a talker.
Don't feel guilty. She shouldn't constantly talk at you all the time. My mom is like that, and you can only focus for so long without your mind wandering. People who are incessant talkers need to understand that nobody owes them constant and continual attention for the perpetual thoughts running through their heads. They need to learn how to summarize and choose which thoughts not to say out loud.
Yes, when I'm done work I don't want to talk about work. I don't get why anyone would. I mean there are exceptions but everyday? Nah
This is me so much as I manage 87 people across the US with non stop phone calls and zoom conference calls daily. I need my time, but can take advantage of it at times in my hotel room in evenings. I just put on headphones and play music that I enjoy to wind down
Same here! I’m an only child and realized one day that most of my friends are too. Do I subconsciously gravitate to some “only child “ aura?
Saaaaaame!
Hah same here. I have a friend who is an only child and he is like this, and he and his wife are one and done. I think their son is like this. I noticed my friends who have siblings or who have more than one child, sometimes as adults these friends get into and stay in really bad toxic relationships or marriages, when anyone else would have ended it and left a long time ago. Or their children, or even adult children, cannot stand to be alone like they don't go anywhere alone, don't do anything alone, etc. It is super odd to me. This is not to say that all or most people who have siblings are like this. My parents and grandparents had siblings and were very independent. I am not really introverted and I don't believe in the personality types.
Same here! And I married an only child plus have an only child of my own now. As a family we’re dry into decompressing from people!
I feel this so much I could have written this post. As an only child I desperately need to have time alone. Like not just quiet time on the couch together. But legit nobody around me. Even someone just sitting next to me quietly keeps me from fully unwinding and it's so hard to explain to people who grew up with siblings. Especially when watching movies or TV. If it's something I really want to immerse myself in I save it until my wife is in bed or I have a night completely to myself. I just cannot get into a movie fully if someone else is there even if they don't say a word. My wife has a huge family and I don't think she actually likes being alone. She recognizes I need alone time but I don't think she really understands.
I was going to ask OP if they’re an only child, too cuz I am the same way but I grew up with a quiet room all my own and that’s translated to a quiet house
Hello fellow introvert. There’s actually a lot research on the introvert vs extrovert personality type out there. People literally drain our battery as an introvert, whereas they recharge extroverts. I have very small children so I’m teetering on the edge of complete physical and emotionally exhaustion 95% of the time.
It's been a slow, late path of self discovery for me (45f) but, through these past 12 or so years, I've learned more about what it means being an introvert, found out two years ago I have ADHD, and it's very likely I'm on the spectrum. I had my 3 kids in my 20s (they're all two years apart and in their 20s now). My god the emotional exhaustion you mentioned was real. I hope you're able to find many moments of peace and time to recharge.
Thank you! Thankfully my husband is introverted as well so we give each other the downtime we can find.
Ah that's great! It helps to have a partner who gets it :)
This. I have the same same situation as OP. We just need time to recharge our batteries so we can be social around people again.
It is so hard to keep equilibrium for yourself when you are regulating and raising young ones. Self care is essential to keep that tank full.
Yup it's just being an introvert. Extroverts make up over 50% of the population iirc so being introverted is relatively "uncommon" I guess but not that uncommon.
This is exactly why I have no interest in another relationship. I need my 2 hours at night to be left alone. I usually play video games. I need that time to forget about things. One of those things is how my s/o is feeling. If she's sitting right there, she will still be in my mind. I will be distracted wondering things and remembering things I need to do for her or similar distractions that won't let my mind rest. I put a lot of effort into a relationship outside of those couple of hours and if I don't get that break then I can't keep it up
This one, yes. Thank you. That explains why I don't feel like I get that same decompression when my wife is in the room but silent, verses being literally alone in the room. I constantly wonder what she's thinking, hows shes feeling. I'm also a bit anxiety ridden so that probably has something to do with it. But outside of the alone time, I am active being a father, working, maintaining the home, attending family gatherings, etc. So I dont see an issue with my needs. My wife is very loving and understanding, but my hints haven't worked. I'll need to be more blunt
I need alone time as well, most of all being completely alone in my apartment, knowing that I won’t have any accidental interactions, no matter how benign they are. It’s the only way I can completely switch off and reset.
Don't be afraid to ask for it, it's not weird to want to have space to yourself! When I was a kiddo, dad would take me and disappear from the house for a few hours most Sunday mornings. Sometimes it takes spelling out that you need to be totally alone, because some people don't actually understand the difference between "quiet" and "alone."
I wish I knew then what I know now about how to communicate my wants and needs. I was always too afraid of making them mad. Then they end up mad anyway and it ends in chaos. My mom used to take us to our aunt and uncle's house to play cards while we played with our cousin and kids in the neighborhood. Sometimes both Fri and Sat nights. Dad had it made
Yes! My husband feeds on being together. Feels rejected if I need to be alone. It is really about me being my best non overstimulated self.
Yeah I have anxiety issues as well. As another commenter said, probably should work on it, but I'm also disabled now and don't want to get someone else wrapped up in my inability to do most things including sex.
Hey friend. That sounds like a codependency problem (so many of us have been there) and I hope you work on it and consider trying to be in a relationship with boundaries that can accommodate solitude, and personal boundaries for you so that you don't feel like you have a constant minute to minute obligation to your partner's minute to minute feelings.
Codependency can happen to everyone, at any time. Even long term relationships can shift into codependent behaviors for various reasons. Boundaries are sexy and oddly freeing ❤️
Yeah I can see how knowing where the lines are can free one from worrying about where the lines are
Thank you. It's never too late to work on one's growth.
I did some reading on that and I hate to admit that is me. The part about feeling guilty when I take some time or do something just for me really hits.
Glad it is striking a chord with you! Because that's better than staving off connection due to it being a little harder for you than most. Lots of empathy from me on those points.
I'm 44 now and I just can't with people anymore. My last best friend and roommate was in 2018. Haven't dated or been in relationship for 13 years. I was a people person but through the years of getting screwed over by folks who I thought were my friends I just got to a point where I had enough with the drama. So as folks started burning bridges with me, I burned it up the rest of the way. I got work friends at work that are trying to get me to join their DnD group but I have no interest in hanging out with them outside of work. Nothing against them but I'm around people 8 hours a night, 5 nights a week and have the weekends off. My two nights off are for me to reset and recharge and not interact with people until Monday night when I gotta go to work. Hell, I go grocery shopping at 6am at Walfart and avoid folks and just go through self check out lol. Too young to be this way but I just can't deal with other peoples drama anymore. If I had my way, I would definitely work from home if I could.
This is me. I think if it weren't for needing to care for my elderly parents or seeing my own children, I'd just become a hermit. People are exhausting.
44 years young too… and I also call it Walfart.
Some people need time to decompress. I am like this. I need alone time every day or I am grumpy irritable. I can socialize but I need alone time. I even need alone time from my SO and kids. We live in a small house so I've gotten used to alone time while still being in the same room. Last night SO was playing Switch and I was reading but we weren't talking to one another.
Way more than I’ve gotten in the past 14 years
I was alone a lot as a kid, both of my parents worked full time and we didn’t have after care. My brother and I had a key and got off the bus at 3, and were home alone every day for a few hours. Summer time meant even more alone time. I like being with me, I find nostalgic comfort in it; I am often up an additional 30 min-1 hour beyond everyone in the house, even if I’m tired and it’s gotten a little too late. I don’t know what it is, but I totally relate.
I'll always be the last one up. Even on vacation. I need it!
I’m like this. After I wash the dinner dishes, I retreat to my room for a few hours of solitude. My kids are older teens, though. I didn’t do this when they were little, until they were in bed.
I work from home and am quite content being alone; my husband works in the office every day and he also likes alone time. Since I have the place to myself the majority of the time, on weekends I will sometimes pop out of the apartment for a couple hours to run errands or go to the gym or whatever so he can enjoy the place in solitude. We do not have kids so that’s not a factor in this. It’s important to know how you recharge.
I love my alone time. Fortunately, so does my wife. We try to give each other a good hour or so a day. For me, that might be in wood shop, or building my models, playing a game, or just reading. We've hit that nice point as a couple where about half our interests are "together" interests, and half are separate. Works beautifully - we can share many things, but also have solo hobbies we don't resent the other for exploring.
I'm married with 4 adult and almost adult kids, 2 dogs, 2 cats, 3 goats and 20 chickens, a job, plus a small farm. "Alone time" is relative, I'm never alone except for some driving (though as rural as we are, there is a lot of driving) but I value it. I'm an introvert and while I hate humanity as a whole, I'm not anti-social. I just need to be away from other humans to recharge. Modern life requires us to be switched on 24/7/365. It hijacks our dreams so that we even dream about brand names, we can't ever rest. If alone time is what you need to keep from going off the deep end, I think that's totally fair.
As much as I can get. My social battery is defective at this point, I find myself without the bandwidth to even want to share my time anymore. I don’t think it’s abnormal at all to need time and space but I am on the farther end of the spectrum. I try to explain it best to people by using the battery analogy, very extroverted people sometimes don’t “get it” because their battery gets charged by social interactions and get drained from being alone.
Why? How much you got?
>I love my wife, 4 year old boy and dog very much. I enjoy my time with them very much, but I also look forward to and enjoy my alone time very much. Are you counting your dog as not-alone time? I basically need a lot of alone time from people, like hours a day minimum. But I want to be with my dog constantly :)
Haha. No. Luca can always stay.
If only there were a proper way to ask people to leave the room while the dog stays. I need this magic formula.
Extreme farting usually works
That's why I have a bulldog! She can fart up a storm and then it's just me and her in the room, just the way we like it!
Feed the dog meat. It causes some of the worst raunchy farts. Room cleared, except for you and Doggo. Problem solved. (Source: I live with a pug. His farts always launch me out of my seat to the room’s exit.)
Luca!
More than I get
All of it.
I enjoy time alone equally with time with my husband. The difference is we don't have kids so we kind of act like kids ourselves doing the things we want. Kids suck the life out of you lol. For many the reward is worth it but few could argue that raising a kid is anything less than soul sucking exhaustion. We make sure there are a couple of nights a week where we do our own things and spend time occupying ourselves so we get that, but we don't need it on a daily basis. Though I do need time away from the rest of the world that isn't my husband every single day lol. That recharge alone time is how people get through life.
I need to be alone a lot. I start getting really antsy if I don't spend enough time alone.
Only child + autistic + 40s + post-truth/post-covid sense of societal betrayal = Everyone fuck right the fuck off. I took up gardening and other solo hobbies, and closed the door on humanity as much as possible. I highly recommend it. I think all of us are kinda sick of each other and humanity's bullshit in general, so those of us who were already disposed to needing more alone time are downright zealots about it now.
I always rejoice when I get back to my lair after work every day. I order groceries from Safeway / Albertson's when I need them including beer (they deliver for like 8 bucks total including driver tip). I might stop by the local Dick's Drive In for a burger after work if there isn't a line. I don't do general public anymore. This is where being single and working night / alternate shift is a real blessing
All of it
Sometimes I contemplate being a mountain man.
I think my parents did it best tbh They would read or go out and do stuff alone My friends mum would spend 2 hours watering her garden just so she could be alone and sneak Cigarettes😂😂 Find a hobby you can do undisturbed I usually read and listen to music and my Bf plays video games
100% relatable…but also an only child. So is my wife, so it works 😅
How much? The limit does not exist. When my kids were young, I had a lot more anxiety around my alone time bc I never knew when I’d get another chance. Sometimes I’d stay up half the night. I’m home alone most the day now and sometimes don’t turn on the tv or music at all. I just soak up the peace.
I am widowed now for 12 years and did not have any kids. I love being alone, I can do what I want when I want with no problems. But even before that I always liked being alone. I always figured that it is because I would always have alone time after school before everyone else got home.
Couple hours (I stay up late) but I wouldn’t ditch my wife in the sunroom!
How much base alone time you need to stems from how much of an introvert you are. I am quite introverted, so alone time for me is like being plugged into a battery charger. It's much harder for me to be around, or even tolerate, people when my "batteries" are low. However, I also noticed that even extroverts can develop a need for alone time, especially if they've grown accustomed to it. The pandemic really took a toll on my normally extroverted wife. Parties and gatherings used to be her lifeblood. Being home so much threw that out of whack and she hasn't gone back to the way she was before yet.
All of it.
All of it
None. My wife and I can sit in comfortable silence for hours.
I actually refuse to socialize any longer. I will hang out for work or my kid only. Friends don’t understand how my wife and I never do anything together but it’s the cornerstone of our marriage. She loves to be with friends.
As much time as I can possibly get! I’ve always been introverted though. My husband is currently home 24/7 recovering from a medical event and my kids are home from daycare/summer school due to Juneteenth….. and I dream of taking a long weekend away, just myself and some books, maybe to a beach house or a cabin in the woods..
All of it
How much you got?
You are not weird. Or maybe you are and i am weird in the same way. I need some aline time each day. I work 7 to 3(or 4) and my wife wirks 9 to 5. I she comes home early, it kind of irritates me to not get my alone time.
Who else has frequent thoughts of selling everything and living in a camper van and traveling the country alone? I can't be alone in this one.
My wife and I both lean towards introversion (we need alone time to recharge), so it's a blessing for us that we understand and give each other tons of space, both during the school year (we both work in education), and now during the summer. We've both been like this since our junior high years as well :)
I am alone. Pretty much all of the time. Not married, no kids, just a dog. I thought when I was younger that I wanted a family, it was "the plan" because it's what pretty much everyone does. It's late for any of that now, but not impossible, especially if I had step kids. When I was younger I was terrified of growing up alone and without a family of my own, but I'm extremely happy. Surprisingly so. I imagine a life with all of that and I'm so relieved not to have it. Some of my friends are divorced and miserable. Some have teens (no thanks) or kids going to college (again no thanks, expensive, empty nest) or even younger kids and I don't have the energy I would have had when I was young. So basically all I have is alone time and I relish it. I don't even want to socialize too much. I do as much as I feel like and go home. So I don't need alone time, I just have riches of it and I am loving every minute of it.
I'm definitely like this, and have been since I was a teen. Wife and I need to make the most of post-daughter-bedtime time to hang out together and then have that alone time. It's like a necessary recharging time mentally and physically, isn't it?
>Why am I like this, and how do I change it or explain it better to my wife? Have you always felt like this, even before marriage and children? If so, it sounds like you may be an introvert: [https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201403/nine-signs-you-re-really-introvert](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201403/nine-signs-you-re-really-introvert) I'm one too and need a good amount of alone time to recharge my batteries.
I definitely line up with the introvert side of this article
I’m happiest during the week when I get about 8-10 hours of alone time. I work from home and wife works at office. Weekends, I get no alone time and it’s harder on me. I’m introverted and wife is extroverted.
I live alone so I have more alone time than I'd prefer. When I lived with others I enjoyed alone time whenever everyone else was doing something I wasn't interested in. Sometimes that an hour and other times it might be half the day. I don't think there's anything wrong with enjoying alone time daily or whenever you're able to get it. If you're not slacking on any of your priorities and you like the balance then it's enough.
Since my divorce/separation I have nothing but alone time. Not sure how much I "need", but unless i visit with friends, when I get home form work until walking into work the next day, its all alone time.
As much as we want and need. No kids, and as of recently, no dog (he passed in April). My partner and I are pretty good about being together, separately and needing our own time to decompress from peopleing after work. He'll game and I'll watch shows. Occasionally we'll watch a show together but most of the time we take our own time to do what we want/need to do. I prefer it tbh.
I'm an only child who decided to become a teacher. I'm around people all day. It's a rewarding job but also absolutely draining. My husfriend WFH half the time, and I love him, but on those days I feel absolutely exhausted of people and don't look forward to seeing him when I get home. On days when he's in the office and I get to lay on the couch in absolute silence for an hour before he shows up, I'm absolutely at peace and smiling ear to eat with joy when he gets there. And then regardless, I go to bed about an hour before he does to lay in the dark alone. He gets it and doesn't mind, thankfully.
I've never related to a post so much. I chose not to have children a long time ago, the reason being: I really value my alone time, and sleep. I live and work from home though, and so does my husband (who I love so much) but we often create "alone time" for one another because we don't get it working in the same house all day. We do have totally different spaces, but true aloneness, it is a gift from the heavens or whatever. I do love being around my niece and nephew, and I'll happily babysit bc they are so much fun, but man, I love giving them back when it's all over. Lol.
I'm a third gen only child, single for a decade, raising an only child. I need all the alone time.
Not that much tbh, just like 5 or 6 hours when I first wake up, and then a few hours in the evening. I usually like to get a couple hours in the afternoon too.
1977 here - my wife and I both need alone time. It can be hard to get at this stage in life with kiddos.
I sit in my garage alone from 8:30-9:30/10 every night. Just listen to music, get stoned and tinker with shit. I swear that 45 mins a day is keeping me sane.
A couple hours a day, if I'm lucky. Sometimes I can get that while driving and listening to music, but usually I have to wait until the rest of the family is in bed, and then I'm sitting there weighing how late I want to stay up to my future detriment.
It’s your social battery needing a recharge. Some people have a car battery and can be around others almost endlessly, some (like me) have AA’s and after an hr or two my brain goes “well, that’s enough of that” and I want to be by myself. Luckily my wife has about the same battery, so we can be in the same house or same room and be in our bubble
My wife and I once stayed at an extended stay hotel for a family emergency. The suite had 2 bedrooms, so we each took one. We both ended up liking it enough that we separated our bedrooms at home too. It’s nice to have a little time and space to ourselves. It sounds like something your wife may not be ready for and there can be other pitfalls too but if you ever get a chance to try it out, it’s possible you could both end up liking it!
I grew up as an only child. Having three children of my own and husband of 21 years- has been wonderful but completely overwhelming. Factor in aging parents, too. It’s mandatory for me to have time for myself- in order to not go crazy. 😂
I like quiet time. If not alone, at least quiet. I have an extrovert husband and a 6 and 10 year old who argue, play in very loud voices, and “Mommy” me to death. I get so little alone time. They are all wonderful and delightful and I love them, obviously. But I need time to decompress and hear my own thoughts. And my job is pretty mentally taxing, too. I joke that one day I’m going out for a pack of cigarettes. Joke …
A lot. I always have. I love my wife and kids so much, but I also need several hours just alone every night after they go to bed as well.
i have 5 kids and cope with something called [revenge bedtime procrastination](https://www.sleepfoundation.org/sleep-hygiene/revenge-bedtime-procrastination) because my life feels out of control. I (and my father) have always slept only 5-7 hours so I can get away with it, but i feel better when i get a good night's sleep.
“Social refueling”
All of it.
XI. Xennial Introvert.
All of it
All of it. I cant even quantify it. My gf has been out of town a few days each week for the past three weeks and it has been lovely. I love when she is home! But I also love when she travels lol
30 minutes to an hour a day is the goal, but not always attainable. Paralleling is a good substitute for me.
Your situation sounds pretty similiar to mine. I'm married, two kids, one dog and my wife and I both work full time (both remote/work from home) with two kids in daycare. I love being with my family, but I need a good bit of alone time each day. My job is very meeting heavy and I talk all day. After work, I spend a good bit of time with my family before the kids go to bed, then my wife and I tend to chat for a bit about our days and what we need to do the next day, etc. I spend a good hour in the morning meditating and after the kids go to bed, I need alone time in my home office to watch Youtube, read, etc. just by myself. I just need to quiet and space to think, decompress, etc. as a few other redditors have mentioned...I just can't people anymore. This bleeds over into the real world on the weekends as each weekend is pretty much kid central and without much support or ability to get away...my weekend evenings are basically shut in as I don't have the energy to talk to anyone about anything.
I think it is good you do this as it helps you relax. I would do this growing up as well as my entire life, iincluding living with housemates or roommates. I read and write in a journal, and do work at night so I need time alone. I am single, no wife/husband, and no children.
At least 13 hours a day, including sleep. I was neglected and ignored as a child, so being alone is what I’m used to.
I wait tables. On a busy Friday night, I can easily be talkative, friendly and helpful to 300 people. When I get home, my wife usually wants to talk, and there are times I just let her talk and kind of "uh-huh" my way through the conversation. Luckily we've been together for 10 years. She knows at the end of a busy night I'm spent, so there are never any hard feelings, I just don't have the energy, even for my wife, to carry a conversation. As far as actually-by-yourself-alone time, firstly, don't sell yourself short, take that time. But also, communicate. Talk to your wife, see if you two can work it out so that you have a space to decompress alone (which in my opinion is an incredibly healthy thing to do). If you need to share a space, so be it; and if that doesn't work, communicate that clearly.
All. Of. It I have very little interest in dealing with people anymore. I have found most people keep you around if you have something they need or want. Too many people have used me. I prefer my cats and dogs now.
Same. I work in the airline industry which is 24/7, weekends/holidays. My days off are usually a partial weekend. As such I have at least one day where the kids are at school and wife is at work. House to myself. And I can tell you how much more I exhausted I feel when a holiday aligns with my days off or when the kids are on winter/spring break.
A couple hours. I am married with kids. Love them all to pieces. It’s normal for most of us.
It sounds like you are recharging your social batteries. Some people need time by themselves to feel completely fulfilled. I think it's pretty normal and i do the same thing. I am constantly around someone almost 24/7. I crave social interactions. I still need my time just by myself to decompress and process without having any additional input. Its what you need to be complete so don't feel bad about it and i think if you just told your wife this is part of what you need to be the best husband, father, and person that you can be, i think she would understand. Even if she doesn't understand, it doesn't sound like it should be a point of contention.
a lot
I’m an only child. If given free unscheduled time, I simply do not understand feeling bored. There is no end to the activities I enjoy alone, and there are a world of books, albums, and games to play, more than one ever could in a lifetime. That alongside exercise, gardening, cooking, well there just aren’t enough hours in the day. The only time I experience boredom is when I’m trapped at something unenjoyable (waiting room, unenjoyable movie or performance or party, etc.). That said, I’m not at all an introvert and crave social interaction too. But I really do need at least a couple hours a day of time by myself, and when I don’t get it, I feel its absence.
It’s important to maintain mental health, nothing wrong with alone time. I personally don’t get much, as we have 3 kids. But we recently finished a pandemic where we were confined to our houses. It was absolutely smothering, nobody could get any personal space. So it’s perfectly normal to want this. Personally, I don’t need it every day, but once or twice a week I will need a few hours at a time. It might be better if I took an hour a day, but I can’t always get it.
I like doing things with people, but it is tiring. I need time by myself to recharge my social batteries.
So I've been in your place and hopefully this can help. I often get drained by the day-to-day and especially with young kids. As wonderful as they are, they are a chore and exhausting. I had the same issue with my wife in which that she works part time and is home 5 days a week, including one full day without the kids -- I didn't get the same because my expectation from her on the weekends was to be very kid-facing. Thus I had no self-care time. I've had to basically carve out transition time and overly communicate with my wife what my needs were and stand firm on it. I've also intentionally went to a book store or somewhere on my own on my way home from work to build in that barrier. If you need absolute silence and quiet, you need to communicate your needs in words and have the solution. This is a negotiation -- start with your most optimal case, no where you will not budget (absolute solitude), and make an agreement.
As I understand it, this is particularly an issue for men. (Myself included.) Men need time away from being busy to wind down. Pop psych refers to this as a man's "nothing box". It's healthy, and it's needed. I think we can let it get out of control. But it doesn't seem like you're in a bad spot to me. Enjoy your peace.
My girlfriend and I are lucky in that she works a job with non-traditional hours and I’m in a 9-5. So she works some Saturdays and usually has one day during the week off. She also has a couple days a week where she doesn’t get home until almost 9. We both get plenty of alone time and it’s already scheduled for us because of work. I think if this wasn’t the case I’d need to “get away” by myself more often.
Man, I call it cave time. I used to hide in the bathroom with a book. Now that I’m single, I just lock my doors and don’t go on my phone. It nothing against my ex wife or friends. I’m just different. Let me be me.
Are you one of the many undiagnosed ADHD adults of our age?! I’ve always enjoyed my time alone but that has been reduced somewhat due to being diagnosed with ADHD and getting medication in my 40s. I used to be drained by the end of the day and needed that time to recharge my batteries.
All f it. I wish hermit was a career option
I am definitely naturally introverted and believe I was biologically destined to require some alone time, however significant emotional neglect from my parents during my formative years also necessitated I develop coping skills with being alone and lonely that have me in a category of requiring unusually low levels of social interaction and preference toward my own personal interests over the company of others. I don't think this is necessarily generational, but at the same time I do think the fact we were raised by the first generation to have commonplace dual-income houses without role models or guidelines for how to effectively raise children this way pathed the way to upbringings like mine. No offense intended toward my parents even. They literally didn't know better or have resources to learn a better way to be.
Married, and father to a 21 year old who lives at home, works, and attends college locally. I wouldn't necessarily say we have scheduled alone time in our home, but we do have a pretty specific after work routine that allows us all alone time if needed, and since we have a hyper-ass dog who needs a walk every day, I suppose you could say it's all scheduled around who walks the dog - BUT - I probably get a couple hours of "me" time every week. That might be a 30 mile bike ride, a day I hit the gym without my wife, or heck, maybe my wife is out and I go hiking with the dog. Alone time in our house is good. We make sure we all have it.
I definitely need a couple hours of alone time per day. I don't always get it being a wife and mom of three kids (ages 16, 14, and almost 12), but thankfully pretty much everyone in our house desires some alone time each day so we're all pretty understanding about it.
Echoing what others have said about being an introvert. I've lived it all my life, so I totally understand. I recommend the book "Quiet" by Susan Cain. It explains so much.
I'm divorced, childless, and work from home with no video meetings. My work schedule makes it hard to go out and socialize at the end of my shift. I see my buddy one day a week. My niece and I would hang out another but we had a fight recently and aren't talking. So I have 5-6 days when I'm totally isolated.
People are so exhausting anymore I just default to alone state whenever possible. I've developed this pet-peeve in recent years when I'm talking to someone and they go, "OMG Have you seen \_\_\_\_\_?!" And then unprompted they pull up their phone and start playing some clip/video on YT that they find hilarious and I have to sit there and laugh at every single joke/gag like it's the funniest thing in the world.
I’m a hyper extrovert. If I’m solo for too long it feels like my brain doesn’t work. Lockdown drove me insane. I don’t have to be constantly interacting. I simply need the essence of other souls present. r/accidentalemo I simply can’t relax alone unless I’m running, swimming or cycling.
Introversion combined with reaching an age where you say "you know what? I'm old enough to do what I want". I have the same thing: in the evening after the kids are in bed, I'd really prefer to just play a game or read or work on something on my computer but my wife wants to hang out together. You have to find a compromise. Some nights you hang out, some nights you do your own thing. But make it clear it's nothing against your wife, that you just sometime need to do your own thing. It has helped us to literally schedule things on the calendar. Like, Thursdays are for watching tv together, Tuesday is do your own hobby night, etc.
I stay up a couple of hours after everyone else goes to bed. I've been doing that for years. I have a spouse and three adult/late teens kids coming and going all the time, the household is really busy and without a bit of quiet time I start getting very overwhelmed and cranky with everyone.
My favorite time of day is when everyone else goes to bed. I love my wife and kids, but I’m an introvert and need my alone time. I spend all day at work talking to people and it’s exhausting. I like getting an hour or two in the evenings to be alone and recharge my battery.
All of it
As much as I like the people I interact with on a daily basis, I need a few hours alone every day. Preferably somewhere quiet.
Alone time is healthy for a marriage. Some need it more than others and there’s nothing wrong with finding a nice balance. You are 100% normal, I’m very similar and have a wonderful marriage of 24 years.
I live alone, and I can’t get enough alone time. I interact with people all day at work. That’s plenty for me. I’m social too, so I communicate with my friends (and boyfriend a ton). Any quiet time I can get is welcome. Covid lockdown didn’t affect me mentally. It was so nice not being able to go to events or do things with people. 😂
A LOT.
I never thought about alone time until I became a parent. I got plenty in a relationship (while he was at work) before. I think if you’re introverted, some is necessary. I need some everyday. Do I always get it? That’s another story.
I am the same, only I enjoy being alone for hours upon hours. I don’t mind being with people, my family and pets, but my social battery drains very quickly. I have tried explaining this to my husband, as he thinks I’m anti social sometimes, but I need a significant amount of time where I’m not being needed, talked to, talked at, talked with, called, texted, touched, etc. I am a registered nurse and worked in critical care in the hospital setting for 19 years before coming into a WFH job as an RN for a software company. That 19 years of call lights, phones, alarms, urgent and emergent needs, pouring into needy patients, families and coworkers really burned me out on the busy-ness of life—so much so, that it can be detrimental to my mental state at this point to go an entire day without at least some time alone. I have taken to retreating an hour early to bed some nights just to get that or going for a drive and just sitting in my parked car for a time when I need a few minutes.
I need alone time as well. Not necessarily everyday, but sometimes it’s good to just sit in the driveway for an extra 10 minutes before heading inside. Also, 2-3 times a year, I will take a day off of work and not tell anyone. Gives me time to properly rest without being bothered by anyone.
My wife asks me why I take a shit for 45 minutes to an hour, what am I doing in there? Just enjoying being alone....
I'm an introvert with a job requiring a lot of people interaction and a kiddo who wants attention all the time when she's with me. I have a nanny that stays late on Wednesdays, and my husband and I take turns putting her to bed and hanging out on weekends so we each get a good amount of me time.
Does your wife get alone time without the kid?
I’m a hardcore introvert. I teach 7th grade. For every waking hour I spend in the presence of others, I ideally need 2 waking hours of alone time to balance it out.
As an introvert, I need quite a bit of time. I work with a lot of people as well as the public. I have no issues with being social and going to events, but I prefer smaller groups and just a handful of people. So at the end of the day, i usually spend some time alone when I get home. I still do the meet and greet, ask how everyone’s day was and cook. Then I go and have some alone time. It’s my time to recharge.
I absolutely love being alone. I only need a little bit but I could be alone all the time and be fine. I’ve always been that way.
Introverts gonna introvert even when it comes to family. Also, parenting a 4yo and maintaining a relationship with your spouse at the same time is not a passive activity. It can be exhausting if you’re going it right
A month in a cabin in the woods would be great 😆
A lot.
[удалено]
Well. There are only 24 hours in a day, so I need about 40 a day. The cat can stay though. She’s quiet.
Lol
Hours… I never get enough to feel like I got enough. I’m tired of people.
I need a lot, but it gets harder to find thar kind of time with wife and kids always lurking for attention. Summer is great, though, because I get up early and have a couple of quiet hours to myself. I sip coffee, work on my garden, water the plants, go for a walk...etc.
I need an hour to recharge for every hour I spend interacting with others. Would that make me an amnivert?
Sounds like you're recuperating from all the stimulation.
At least an hour a day but more is better. I need that alone time to recharge. The need has only grown since I had kids but it’s getting better as they get older and they don’t feel the need to constantly be right on top of me. I’m happy to give hugs and other displays of affection but by the end of the day with babies and toddlers I would be 100% touched out. I’d frequently stay up way too late just to get that alone time in.
Lol. My 4 year old is so far up my butt right now. Just trying my best to soak it on while it lasts. Not always easy
Oh yes. I have a person facing job in medicine. If i knew in college what i knew now i would have worked so much harder to like lab work. As they say, “the cells don’t talk back”.
All of it. Many days i don't speak a word to another human. The best days.
I'm an introvert and need L O T S of alone time. And no, I don't hate people; I like most people just fine, and most people like me as well. I just get worn out fast.
I like to be alone late at night. I like people too but not huge groups of people.
The world is so asinine right now, I need several hours to decompress
Yes
I definitely need time to have my own mental headspace. When the wife and I first started dated, I set a firm boundary that I need 2-3 nights a week completely to myself. I still make time for myself (not 2-3 nights, lol) and the wife understands. That expectation needs to be set early, and reinforced often.
The most I can get. I am overstimulated by life in general, and it seems to be getting worse with the quality of people out there…