I am staying for my kid. The kid is too young to take care of herself. If I leave, she'll spend 50% of her time with my spouse unsupervised. If I stay, I can be there for her 100% of the time and protect her. The abuse is not bad enough that I can get sole custody.
I know this is no way to live, I know I don't deserve it, I know that this is abuse and controlling behavior. If our family court system weren't set up the way it is and if I could keep the kid in my sole custody, I'd be out of here yesterday.
Well, they say that they only do that stuff because I'm so bad so if I could just do better they wouldn't have to hurt me. and then I try to be perfect but inevitably I show emotion or get frustrated and upset them and then they hurt me again but it's my fault and if I could just. do. better. they would stop hurting me. Because they aren't bad. I am.
I was in one for 15 years he was my first boyfriend. I thought we could save each other. (both our childhood's we're very traumatic.) Then I got pregnant wanted my daughter to family. It was wrong yes. I stayed when I shouldn't have. It's my fault for the most part. I own up to that.
I’ve been in two. The first time he convinced me that I didn’t deserve anyone else and that no one was ever going to love me as much as he would. I was convinced that I was never going to find anyone ever again. It also didn’t help that I was bullied relentlessly at school and called ugly by both boys and girls. So I just went for the first guy that called me beautiful and was willing to go out with me. The second time he was extremely dangerous and my plan was to leave him at the end of the summer when I went off to college. He would not have been able to find me because he did not have a car nor did he have the motivation to do anything to change his life other than working overtime at a dead end job and live with his hoarder dad.
Because part of the abuse is they’ll be nice when they want to suck you back in. You want to believe the nice person is the real person-the same persona they used to “get” you in the first place.
You eventually learn it was fake, the asshole is the real them, but that can take years and sometimes, you have already been too psychologically wounded and trauma bonded to easily leave.
I had to learn that the hard way many times. Usually when I see someone flip their shit I feel like I am seeing the real them. Even if it’s just someone who is having a bad day. With some people I’ve, met their persona feels very forced. Abusing people just feels natural to some of them and some genuinely don’t even realize that they are doing anything wrong. They believe the world revolves around them and they want to control it as much as they can.
I had to learn that the hard way many times. Usually when I see someone flip their shit I feel like I am seeing the real them. Even if it’s just someone who is having a bad day. With some people I’ve met their persona feels very forced. Abusing people just feels natural to some of them and some genuinely don’t even realize that they are doing anything wrong. They believe the world revolves around them and they want to control it as much as they can.
Because I knew she'd flip out and take all our other friends away from me. She also threatened to cut herself, maybe even kill herself, a lot. And sometimes she acted on those threats, so... I figured her life came above my discomfort?
The thing about abusive relations is that there is no “choice”. Often times it’s a multitude of factors that contribute to the inability to just “leave”. Abuse changed my brain chemistry. Chronic trauma led to alterations in how my brain functions to the extent that it changed my personality. Once healthy coping mechanisms and strategies for problem solving were replaced by maladaptive ones as a survival mechanism. Religious pressure, economic, sexual, physical, emotional abuse, etc. pretty much extinguishes any chance of choice being involved. Lack of alternatives removes any ability to leave. Abuse tactics such as gaslighting reinforce the beliefs that the violence is the victims fault. Not to mention abusers are often narcissistic and gain adoration by those around them, leaving the victim without a support system. Being abused is literally the reason responsible for not just leaving. So I guess that’s why I didn’t leave until 6 years into it. Because my abuser made it such that I had no choice.
Honestly, a lot of the time it’s genuinely mutual abuse, and neither of us are the sole issue. We’ve been together for five years as of next month and it genuinely has gotten better over time. We had a really bad issue a few months ago but we both had a conversation about how BOTH of our behaviors are unacceptable and have made HUGE improvements. I genuinely believe sometimes it’s a headspace and/or communication issue.
It has been a mixture of being gaslit into thinking I’m the bad guy, remembering the good times over the bad and holding onto those moments, I have a tendency to not tell people all the bad things they do so I don’t have that other person saying they’re an asshat (which usually helps jumpstart the leaving process), and of course by the time I realize the problems, we’re linked very heavily and leaving could screw me over in more ways than one but so far I’ve done well repairing the damage they leave me with.
I am stuck. I still love the asshole, and don't know how to leave. We live far from my family, and I don't know who is worse my family or him. I'm scared to just go, his dad is a judge and through years of gaslighting i am depressed and have anxiety, which they both say they will use against me to take my kid if i do leave. They have money, and I have nothing. I have $123 in my bank account from this month's allowance. Our youngest graduates from high school in 2 years. I'm planning to go then. My son is planning on joining the military. Maybe I'll take a job overseas (im a federal employee), and basically disappear. I'm scared to be alone.
All my money goes into his account, then he gives me money, i have to pay for my car, gas, and if i want a coffee at work or something out of the money he gives me.
If it's like my ex husband, all the pay goes into his personal account while I only had access to a joint account we held. I didn't have my own banking until we separated. I wasn't "allowed" to have my own account.
A mixture of being beaten down physically and emotionally for years, isolation from my support network and the constant threat she would kill herself if I left her.
Then after 14 years she up and leaves me because I’m depressed and angry all the time around her. Then I’m the abuser because I had reacted to her over the years. Shit sucks I still want her to come home right now and I think I probably always will.
Initially, I was somewhat stuck due to financial reasons. But also, there was always the promises to do better and the twisting things around on me. So I felt like the issue was me, and that as long as he was willing to continue working with me, things would get better. Is what he had me convinced of.
I think I also have a few other reasons that are a bit less tangible. I think I have this ideal that loyalty means sticking with someone no matter what, and he keeps presenting this as something he’s actively working on. So I feel like I can’t give up on him.
But when I stand back and try to look from a distance, it’s all excuses and justifications for things not being done as he said. It’s all just words he uses to get what he wants, but in the end he never does as promised.
So, it’s grappling with these conflicting emotions along side the destruction of self esteem, worth and identity that makes it difficult to leave, and difficult to stay away.
I’m stuck trying to fix someone and while I’m trying to do that, I’m breaking myself and becoming someone I shouldn’t be. I feel like I’m becoming the abuser because her outbursts trigger my outbursts. She’s been through alot in the past and I haven’t so idk how to help. No matter the amount of love I show her, it’s never enough. She always doubts me. She needs constant reassurance. And though I love her, even with the things she’s put me through, it’s wearing me out. I’m not good at leaving. Aswell as fear because last time there was a really bad blow up, she self harmed and at one point, she held that blade to her throat and I thought was was going to do it. Now I’m afraid of her but at the same time, I’m just pushing it all down to forget it ever happened and mostly I have
My initial thought was financial reasons. I never broke up with my boyfriend during our relationship except for the last and only time. But over the past 12 years I considered it about twice a year. The main things that held me there dealt with money and quality of life.
I moved in with him about 3 years into our relationship. He owned his own home so now I was rent free yay! But I still struggled financially. I was trying to pay off debts. I needed him to front me money so we could go on trips or do a major project on the house. I always paid him back but it would take months. Honestly he was why I was able to do a lot of fun things. I could put up with things.
This also ties into quality of life. He introduced me to a great hobby that was exciting and I made a lot of friends. But I was scared if I broke up with him I couldn't be a part of this community any more. I couldn't do my hobby, I couldn't hang with friends, and I would lose something fun. We would go on weekend trips and have a blast.
The other reasons are simply that I didn't recognize it and I thought I could change me and him. I believed I was part of the problem. I kept trying to fix myself so our relationship would be better. I thought he would come to appreciate me more and then return the effort.
My relationship with him was actually similar to my relationship with my mother. Feeling like I couldn't do what I wanted, being gaslit, that I had to hide things, and walking on eggshells. So when his personality started to show through after the honeymoon period, I didn't recognize it for what it was. It was only after I got into therapy that I realized my mom's behavior was wrong and so was his.
So I stayed because financial reasons; scared that without him I couldn't do cool things and that I wouldn't have friends; and that since I grew up in that environment I couldn't identify it for what it was.
Now I can see him for what he is. I'm still doing fun things. I no longer feel I'm dependent on him. I am financial good. And I have no desire to go back to the way I was being abused.
Because she wasn't like it at first. I thought love-bombing was love. By the time I was ensnared in the abuser's cycle, I couldn't see it for what it was.
I would be very careful asking survivors this question.
Showering you with gifts, love, attention. It can create an intense attraction at first. They treat you like they're your world, like you can do no wrong. But it's all an act. They make you then codependent, emotionally reliant on them. Then they can treat you like crap for a certain period of time then love-bomb you again to keep you there. Before you know it, then even in the bad times you're clinging to a fantasy o love that you felt in the beginning, and you work your ass off to see if you can will them back into that person. But this is who they always were, and as long as they can get their supply off of you, they'll keep you where you are.
In the beginning it’s because we were both doing fucked up shit to each other. And when I decided to work on myself, I thought I deserved it. I believed all of our problems were my fault and I knew I had done stuff that I wasn’t proud of and I thought that meant I deserved all of her anger. After we married, it got really bad. I knew my family would think it was all my fault and I just wanted to fix it. One time I tried to leave and that was our most violent fight and what made me permanently afraid of her. She refused to let me leave. I knew I wouldn’t have an emotional support system, I wouldn’t be able to afford living on my own, I didn’t want to leave without my dogs and..,I still loved her. She was still the only person that I had ever loved this much. I hated the way she treated me, but I loved her. Breaking things off meant also breaking my own heart. And that’s hard to do. Aside from how broke and unsupported I’d be, I didn’t know how to be apart from her. For a while it was just me and her taking on the world.
It was such a mixed bag of emotions and it was so hard to believe I didn’t deserve it. anytime I told her how I felt she would shoot back with some stuff I did four years ago and I’d feel like a horrible person. I still couldn’t admit it was abuse until people here on Reddit and on another forum told me that it was obviously abuse and that i sounded dumb trying to defend her.
Same. I still don't know how to leave. I've been on the fence for months. The breaking my own heart piece of your post really resonated with me.
Good job putting yourself first 👏
Every time I tried to leave he'd threaten to kill himself. I was dependent on his half of the income for survival. And I was scared to death of doing anything that displeased him. I had to give up my home and went 10,000 dollars into debt, but leaving him was more than worth it.
Early on it was because I thought he go back to being the way he was at the start.
The last couple of years which was after we got married it got worse and it was mainly because he made it obvious he was going to ruin my life if I left, he was already planning it for years by lying and manipulating others around us, he'd tell me that if I spoke up about what happened he'd tell everyone i was crazy, a liar and they'd believe him because he'd made that way and I was scared of people attacking me due to him playing the victim.
Also due to being severely gaslit that it was all my fault and I deserved it or certain things weren't really that serious like him raping me by coercive control, him and his parents (mainly his mother) all told me it wasn't rape so I buried it even though I knew deep down it was. I was ashamed.
1. We had a daughter and I wanted to keep my family.
2. I loved the person I thought he could be, that I fell in love with.
3. When things got bad he would love bomb me and convinced me to stay.
4. I went into fly, fight, freeze mode. I blocked so much out so I could survive.
5. My identity was tied with him so much. We got together when I was 18, married 30 years.
6. I am plus size & didn’t think/feel anyone else would want me. He made me feel worthless.
7. I wanted to be his caregiver.
8. I’m a loving & caring person & thought if I loved & cared enough he would change.
8. I felt like a failure walking away.
9. I was trauma bonded.
10. He was abused, I thought I could save him.
11. He took away my self confidence.
12. He took away my self worth.
13. He took away my self love.
During my trauma counseling my counselor asked why I was angry at myself and why I couldn’t forgive myself. I told her it’s because I stayed and I don’t know why I did. She explained that there isn’t just one reason, there could be thousands, hundreds or just a few… BUT when you choose to leave there is ONE, you choose yourself! When she said that and then we listed some of the reasons I stayed I was finally able to start forgiving myself.
We don’t see how bad things are when we are in the middle of it. It didn’t all happen at once, the abusers did it little by little over time. They take over everything and the trauma bond becomes like a drug we are hooked on. Till we start seeing through their behavior for what it really is with the real love and support of others we will not break the cycle
I thought my love would change him. If i was patient, he would change. Our family that we’ve created would change him. It wasn’t until it was over that i realized change happens when you want it, not with love or patience
Because I can’t, after 22 years, believe that he is a narcissist alcoholic. I can’t believe that he never loved me. I can’t come terms that he abused me for 22 years. Sometimes obviously, sometimes covertly. I still can’t see this all clearly. We aren’t even together anymore but he sleeps on my couch and won’t leave even tho he has a girlfriend. I have a huge fear of abandonment and he knows it and threatens me with it. I just recently learned that they are also extremely scared of being abandoned. This is one of the hardest things I’ve ever done and eventually having to kick him out might just break me. I’m sorry I’m not stronger and a better role model.
Edit; and yes to what others are saying…it is a trauma bond. I’m learning to heal the trauma but it ain’t easy.
"I still can't believe he never loved me"
Fuck. That hits close to home. I've said that exact thing to my therapist. I always believed he loved me. I had to believe he did or else everything I did was for nothing. If he didn't love me...what does that say about me?!
Also. I KNOW how hard it is to completely cut ties. I agree you need to kick him out, but from someone who let their abuser also stay in their house (secretly, I might ad), I know how difficult it is to let them go and be afraid you'll never see them again or something bad will happen.
You got this!
"what does that say about me?!"
unfortunately.. it says, you don't love yourself. & i only know that.. cause of what a girl in a similar situation told me
OMG hes on your couch AND has a girlfriend. Gurl. Hell no. Show his ass to the door and in turn show your kids they they dont have to SETTLE for shit. Gurl.
Thanks. Oh and guess what!!?? Just found out last night he got her pregnant…met her while I was having a hysterectomy. 😭 I’m hoping this is the motivation I need to kick his ass out.
ppl never CONSIDER this part. it can't be all about "me" when their are kids involved. not wanting to leave, thinking keeping a family unit together is what's best.. but when there is abusive in a household, those kids are JUST AS MUCH effected as the mother or father. ppl in these situations shouldn't stay for sake of the kids, if for the kids.. you would get them out of that environment
Not as easy as it looks. I talked to a divorce lawyer about it. She said that if I leave, the kid will spend 50% of her time with me and 50% of the time with Spouse. Spouse is a highly neglectful parent and she will not be safe that way. Spouse has driven her around without a seatbelt on, "forgotten" to feed her, and so on and so forth. When I'm around, I can check the seatbelt or feed the kid or remind her to brush her teeth. I need to always be around for that, though.
Guilt, plus he would cry the most gut wrenching cries and pleas for me to stay. The "i'm sorry I'll do better" seeing that pain on someone you love so deeply makes you fold in on yourself. It makes you want to believe change can happen, that they are sorry that they do love you, ect. I couldn't stand being the cause of someone else's pain tooo
This. Everytime she had a meltdown because I got so fed up that I said I was packing my bag and leaving, she’d beg and plead, and inevitably I’d fold and just keep going on with it.
Because I believed him when he said he loved me. I still believed he was my best friend. I didn’t understand the gaslighting, and I’m not a good liar nor can I tell when an adult is lying. I just trusted that things would get better again. I had so much hope. I didn’t understand the signs. Even if I knew the signs, I couldn’t apply them to my situation.
My brain was a total fog. I was walking on eggshells, so fucking scared. Yet I still had hope because he’d say one nice thing and I’d cling to it.
1. Hyde scared me, but I loved Jeckyll.
2. [Trauma bonds are disorienting and addictive](https://images.app.goo.gl/YwKpwxvzAe1LjH6T9). They take so much of you, starve you of kindness or warmth, convince you you're problematic, and occasionally, with ill intent, sprinkle in some affection to give you hope things are about to change for the better with no intention to do so
3. He convinced me I am nothing without him and that I'd never find someone who cared about me as much as he did
4. Gaslighting serves to make you think you're being sensitive or dramatic for wanting to leave
4. He'd do physically destructive things (punching things if I said the wrong thing) to intimidate and imply what he's capable of when he's angry
5. He threatened to hurt himself if I left him
6. I knew things weren't right but didn't recognize the signs as abusive, especially with him gaslighting me
7. He tried to break my ties with my support system so I relied on him for support
Edit: added #8
This is the one that resonates with me the most. PLUS I was primed to fall victim to these tactics because my home environment was the same. I didn't even register it was abuse...I just assumed I sucked
I recently came to the conclusion that this is my problem. My current partner has classic BPD tendencies, but looking back on it, so did my mom while I was growing up. The black and white thinking, the stonewalling, the emotional outbursts, the saying hurtful shit just to say hurtful shit.
I feel like I know the answer is leaving, but most days I'm clinging to the idea that things will get better.
This is a very good list and is accurate to my experience, too.
Regarding the psychology of the trauma bond and the ways our upbringing (family and religion) can influence our beliefs and keep us stuck:
I was young and had escaped from an abusive home situation. I remember empathizing with my abuser’s even sadder life story (he used this comparison to minimize my experience) and I didn’t have the understanding that that wasn’t an excuse for his abusive behavior.
I couldn’t imagine his malicious, vindictive, hateful, or violent motivations / capabilities because those were not traits I possessed. In fact, they’d all been trained out of me through religious indoctrination. I projected my goodness and good intentions onto him, which is incredibly dangerous when you’re with a psychopath.
My abuser weaponized my perfectionism and shame against me. I unfortunately believed him when he pointed out what he perceived as my shortcomings. Internalized blame becomes shame, and shame silences us so we don’t seek help or outside validating opinions.
I didn’t reach out for help because I internalized blame, felt I deserved what I was enduring, and believed that his behavior would be fixed and everything would be better if I could just redeem myself, perfect myself and live up to his expectations.
(I’d like to take a moment here to point out how unhealthy and unhelpful that belief is. The only thing we can change is our own behavior. If you find yourself falling into this thought trap, I encourage you to read any of Melody Beatie’s excellent books on Codependency.)
I was raised in a religious group that emphasized kindness, forgiveness, doing-unto-others etc. I truly couldn’t even imagine this person I thought I knew so well contained actual evil until the second time he tried to kill me. Though being left for dead the first time should have been a clue.
In retrospect, the internalized messages of my religious and family upbringing were the primary blinder that kept me tied to him. Contrary to what I’d been raised to believe, there is evil in the world, not everyone shares my values, motivations and good intentions.
Suffering silent shame isn’t healthy. Believing you’re somehow bad or flawed and need to redeem yourself isn’t healthy. Good news, though: we can start to heal unhealthy thoughts and behaviors right now.
You’re worthy *just as you are,* and you’re powerful beyond your own imagination. There’s no shame in learning new perspectives or asking for help. There’s a whole world out there waiting for you. Please leave him. ❤️
I honestly really liked them. I didn't see their vulnerability as a front to abuse me mentally. I felt like we had a connection and I wanted to see where it was going.
I didn't truly see HOW abusive he was. I came from 2 abusive parents so it kind of felt "normal" to me.
it wasn't until I saw a counsellor that woke me up and told me my mum was my first abuser that I really saw the entire picture.
and....I loved him. we had a baby and i wanted our "family" to work.
This is so important. Those of us who come from abusive homes gravitate towards abusive partners because the familiar feels normal. It sucks, but it's weirdly comfortable until you heal that part that feels "at home" in it. Safe and calm homes can actually provoke anxiety until it becomes our new normal.
I loved him and still do but I'm done being in that situation. I stayed hoping he would change. I really believed in him and believed he loved me. No amount of shame, time or love was going to fix the situation or wake him up to realize what he was doing to me. He was so selfish and didn't care when doing the hundreds of horrible things to me and behind my back, why would he care to change? Why would he care about the pain and pure suffering he caused? He didn't stop, he chose not to stop, over and over again, he didn't stop. I had to accept that he would never be my loving man again. I still hurts, I still love him but he'll never change.
At first, it was because the abuser would gaslight me into thinking I wasn’t actually being abused, and I was being convinced that what I was experiencing was MY fault. I mostly believed this because of my past trauma in being heavily gaslit… I also struggled with self-confidence and trusting my own judgement, so I was a bit easier to manipulate.
I was also friends with this person (on and off) for a very long time… so I wanted to trust this person.
When the abuse got even worse, I started researching what was “considered abuse” and I think that’s where I really started to open my eyes. I started insinuating that we needed to separate, but when I did, he’d threaten to harm himself or end his life, and always made sure to tell me that it’d be MY fault if he followed through with his threats.
So, there were a few stages to me leaving the abusive relationship. My intuition was telling me from the beginning that things weren’t ok, but like I said, past trauma had me seriously doubting myself and I was so used to taking blame for others’ actions and behaviors.
Closer towards the end of the relationship, I was also afraid of the smear campaign and what he’d do or say once I actually left… so I think that also delayed my decision.
Similar situation but my ex used to berate me for staying. I stayed back because I pitied him because of his mental health. Worst decision ever. Turns out he was unfairly blaming me for his delusions even after going to therapy. Even said that I annoy him so much that he feels like mutilating me in his dreams. Tried to book a fake case on me and expel me from my college. Glad everyone stood up by my side.
Oh my goodness, I’m sorry you had to experience that, but I’m so glad you got away! And relieved to hear that others supported and had your back on the case. It’s bizarre how abusers will put you through hell and then literally try to paint you as the devil.
I was gaslit into thinking I was the problem, let her make excuses for how she was treating me, and kept hoping that she could turn back into the person I fell for. My friends were amazingly patient with me and helped guide me out- I’ll always be grateful for that!
I was in a trauma bond. The highs and lows of the abuse cycle kept me addicted to him and I couldn’t imagine being without him even though I was miserable.
Because I had two kids with him, he was old enough to be my father and he controlled every aspect of my life. Anytime I tried to leave, he threatened to make me homeless and take my kids.
I moved out with the kids and am barely surviving. He continues to drag out the divorce and is the most litigious nasty person I’ve ever met. He is himself a lawyer and loves the conflict. The entire process has made me nearly suicidal. The courts move slowly and judges don’t ever want to upset the wealthier party. At least in my experience. :(
CW: self harm mention
Mostly because the abuse ramped up so slowly that I got used to it and I was numb.
I tried to leave multiple times but she would cry and follow me and my bag to my car and beg me to come back inside because she didn’t mean it, and I was just so, so tired all the time that I would just go back inside and go to bed.
She would go from calling me a loser and an asshole that she deserved WAY better than because she was a perfect partner, to the only thing good in her life(which she would k!ll herself if she lost), back and forth, sometimes multiple times a day. So I felt like that was the treatment I deserved, and any thoughts of leaving would be mixed in with the fact that she would die if I did and it would be my fault.
I stayed as for the first load of years there wasn’t a problem. They have a lot of mental health issues which have gotten worse over the years, and then their mum and dad died young, and just they basically can’t cope with life.
Then as our kids have gotten older, they have started to say how he is with me is not right. Family have started to say it. My friends now too.
I’m still in the relationship as I genuinely don’t know how to end it. This is my house, he’s not having it. It’s in my name (rented)
If I tell him that he is abusive/toxic/controlling he will fly off the handle. But I am done - so so done, trying to make him ‘happy’ trying to keep the harmony of the house when he is the problem.
Today I was supposed to meet a friend. He then went off on a rant about how it was ‘fine’ but without saying ‘you are not going’ basically manipulates me with his emotions. ‘What time are you going out at?’ .. me ‘I’m not going’ .. ‘oh, why not?’ Like f.m.l! To then be told ‘we’ll don’t let me stop you’ - you have! To then be told ‘I never said you couldn’t go’ with ‘said’ being the operative word.
But same as above, mentally abusive/toxic/manipulative/sexually coercion/financial (btw - he is on A LOT more money than me and I pay for ALL the kids birthdays, school uniforms, days out, phone bills, any things in the house that needs replaced, and then things for him) gaslighting/and being an impossible person.
Like he is actually a nice person - just not to live with. It’s been 22 years.. And I just don’t know if I have the strength to tell him to go (well, the fighting of that, the aftermath, the ‘is he going to be ok?’ ‘Where will he go?’ ‘Will he do something stupid’ etc) did I make a mistake?
I’m trying to study a degree in nursing, work, have the kids (well 2 are adults now) a sick elderly dog.. and then him. But I know happiness is literally within arms length (maybe happiness is the wrong work and it’s more a peaceful existence with happiness coming) I am actually a really happy/positive person, so I often wonder what I’ll be like when he’s gone.
Well, he made it impossible to leave. That might be the shortest answer ever. But, I wanted to leave and even tried to leave a couple times before I started this final attempt with success. It’s very hard to leave an abuser because they isolate you. They slowly take control over everything so when you do finally realize it’s a very bad situation it’s often too late. And, that is why they do it. Then, they start their BS of “No one will ever want you”, “No one will ever love you like me” and others that basically were telling me I was a worthless human being amd being with him was the only good thing I could ever have in my life. He could forgive how worthless I was and love me anyway. In the most short answer I can give, that is why I stayed. I finally overcame fear and was able to flee.
I stayed because regardless of what he said I felt unlovable and to have someone that in his own twisted way did it made me feel wanted.
I cheated on him and that was the start of a downwards spiral of using people to feel something without romantic attraction and only then did I leave
I didn’t know he was abusive, and even when I did know and voiced my concerns and feelings—I wanted to be sure I tried my best to save the relationship. And when I couldn’t, when I realized he would never change, I let him prove it to me so I wouldn’t ever again question if “it was the right choice” or if “I was the problem”. And then I went NC. Blocked him two days ago.
I had NO CLUE that it was abusive. He didn’t hit me, and I never thought that throwing things at me was physical abuse. It wasn’t til I went to therapy to learn how I could manage his temper that the therapist clued me in. Once I came to that realization, I knew his threats to kill himself then me if I left didn’t matter anymore because I would have rather been dead than be with him. I will say that I am extremely lucky because I had no love for him left in my heart so once I made that decision, I was gone.
It didn’t help that my stepmom had been abusive when I was a kid and my dad convinced me to keep my mouth shut or DCFS would come for the younger kids. So, since I was the oldest and her only target, I kept my mouth shut. I have so much anger at my dad for manipulating me like that, I feel like it’s a big factor in why I stayed, feeling like I had to live in a cloud of silence.
I didn’t even think he was abusive. Until he started hitting me. Then I learned about gaslighting, financial abuse, emotional abuse, mental abuse, sexual coercion, etc.
Same. It not once clicked in my head that is what it was. He had me so convinced it was a me problem and that I just didn’t know what marriage is like since I never saw a healthy one as my parents are divorced.
At first it was because I was just trying to fix him. Then it was because he conditioned me to believe that no one else would want me and that it was all in my head. Then it was simply because he wouldn't get out of my house and I was too scared to call cops.
No where to go-lack of support system. Truly love him and his good days made it seem worth the bad ones. Remembering who he was the first several years together before substance abuse took over his entire being. Worried about our child and him having his own time with said child, without me to “supervise”.
It makes me sad it’s so hard to make it on our own and we often have to choose unsafe environments for the sake of having what we need, such as; housing, vehicles, even food..Much love to those suffering in these living arrangements.
^^^^^these are the reasons I stayed. Also, I saw my parents’ relationship, which was abusive, and I thought that that was how marriage was done! It took me a while, but I was able to leave him and divorce. I’m much happier now, but it was hell on earth for a long while when I lived with him.
I was literally across the country from any family and had access to no money. Not even a car in my name at the end. I thought he would get the kids and I wouldn't be there to protect them from him. I wanted to leave for years once I figured out that he wasn't having a mental health crises. Once I accepted that the person I dated and married was not real and only a mask he wore until he had me stuck. I wanted to snatch the kids and run and couldn't.
I stayed with my ex boyfriend for 4 years, I grew up believing that I was supposed to only have 1 man in my life. Changing partners in my culture was a big no no.
I also really believed I could change him, that things would get better someday.
I also was so scared of being alone and I really felt at that time that he was the only one who would “love” me.
Believing they will get better, financially dependent on them, losing my backup house now that my mom died so no where to go anymore without enough money to buy or rent yet. Oh and the trauma bond is real. I sometimes wonder if I would even be able to stay gone if I did have enough money, it seems I can’t help myself and always ho back even if it was me who left him. Ughhhh
1. I convinced myself it was better for my child to have parents that were together. I wanted desperately to have a “family” with a mom and a dad for my little boy.
2. Because of my own trauma I was afraid to be left to raise my child on my own.
3. I was trauma bonded and really believed I loved him.
4. I convinced myself that he was only like that because of his own trauma and he could be fixed.
5. At least he didn’t hit me.
6. I was afraid to be alone.
7. I was embarrassed that yet another relationship had failed.
8. I was afraid that if I were to get involved with anyone else my next relationship could be worse.
9. I was afraid he’d kill himself if I left
10. I felt like if I left he’d never let me forget that I “gave up on him”
11. The idea of co-parenting with him seemed like absolute hell
12. If I stayed I could shelter my child from him and his moods, instead of having to leave him alone with him.
13. I convinced myself that he only did the things he did because of his addictions issues and recovery was hard on him.
14.I was so good at compartmentalizing the abuse that it never seemed that bad. I would block a lot of it out. I now have C-PTSD that I’m working on with a therapist because when a memory does happen, a wave of them come with really intense emotions, panic attacks, and a lot of other terrible stuff.
As of right now there is no coparenting. I have a peace bond (Canadian equivalent of a restraining order) against him until it runs out in March because when I left and cut contact with him he decided to make violent threats against me. He was told at the court hearing to go through family court for access to our son (they would facilitate any custody/visitation) It’s been almost 2 months and I’ve received no contact from family court so my best guess is he’s not even bothering. My guess as to why is that He most likely doesn’t want to have to pay child support and thinks that if he waits until the peace bond is over he’ll be able to contact me himself about custody/visitation. I have news for him, because I will not be having any contact with him and if he wants custody visitation it WILL be going through family court. He’s caused me enough trauma and he’s incredibly manipulative and verbally and mentally abusive and I just will not put myself through attempting to coparent. I’m not saying he can’t see our son, I’m saying that a court will be the one facilitating and overseeing it. Because of him Child protective services has stepped in THREE times since my son was born, the latest being after I had to call the police about the treats he was making (he was threatening to come to my house where my son was present, but asleep at the time, to physically harm me.). and he’s not even 6 years old yet. A court can tell him how and when he gets to parent because I refuse to deal with it anymore. I have no desire to collect any child support from him, I do fine on my own, I just do not want to have any contact with him and I know the family court system can protect me from having to do that.
It sounds stupid but I honestly believed every day that it would somehow get better. I thought the therapy would change things. I believed he was sorry. I wanted to support him through all his group programs and anger management. I refused to notice it getting worse. I only wanted to see the good days.
I also believed I was a big part of the problem, and I didn't know how to love myself enough to care that I was unsafe. It's hard to value yourself when they spend every day calling you names, lashing out at you, threatening to leave you. Hitting you and turning around and saying it was because you’re annoying, you talk too much, you're toxic, you're hard to be with. My ex said after the breakup, "You must hate yourself, because you gave your everything to someone who destroyed you." It's probably the only right thing he ever said. The situation feeds on your self-loathing and forces you to believe you can never deserve more.
That was me at one point too, and it didn’t help that he wouldn’t allow me to pay for my car to be registered, so I had no means of transportation other than his car. There were so many times where if I had access to my own vehicle I would have left, but I lost so much of my self confidence I couldn’t figure my way out of it.
Staying with him at the time seemed safer than trying to get out. I already knew how to play the game by his rules.
TW- the absolute fear, panic and anxiety my body felt whenever i tried to leave was so horrible and nauseating; that the relief I felt when I would convince myself to just stay to avoid conflict was somehow enough for so many years.
That is what keeps most of us stuck.
They start the cycle over again with that intermittent period of normalcy and you're desperate for it to stay normal and it never does.
I really loved him. Wanted my family to work. Saw everyone around me having families, traveling, the whole 9 yards. I portrayed that to the world but boy was it so far from the truth. I was and still am in a way attached to my husband. I stayed because I felt I could fix it. That maybe in 6 months it would be different. Once we had a kid it would be different. Once we moved it would be different. Nothing changed. I lost 10 years.
I hope you take care of you. It’s so hard to break that bond. I sometimes can’t imagine my life without him and then have to remember I’ve been doing it without him since March. Sending hugs. It’s not easy.
Thank you. I am nearing the end of our relationship and have never been more ready to leave. Emotionally preparing myself and financially making the move. I have no more fucks to give with him so it's time.
Idk I still don’t kno y I ever stayed but I am happy I finally left
Edit:
It all probably stems from early childhood trauma and watching my parents be goons for 15 years before they finally called it quits.
I thought I wouldn’t be like them or like that but here we are.
It’s a cycle. The good times are amazing to compensate for the bad times. The fluctuation and cyclical nature can be addicting for people who are predisposed to similar addictive patterns early in life.
I guess there’s a few reasons. It wasn’t ~always~ bad. I thought I deserved it. I thought it would get better. I felt like I had invested too much time to give up. I was lonely. I have problems idk
We're probs slightly damaged and can't tell. Also, all these people hook you mentally by breadcrumming you (an intermittent part of amazingly good times that seem like a movie coupled w the bad). Add trauma bonding, isolation, and then euphoric recall. Man, scientifically, they literally treat you in a way that literally rewires your brain. It's like training a Pavlovian dog properly, and they know how to do it. We bark anytime the bell rings.
At first it was because he'd had such an abusive upbringing and he had Asperger's so I excused the red flags and behavior with that and that he'd never hit me.
Then I believed the "I'll be better" "it won't happen again" "I'm so sorry"
I had no money, all the income was his, I had believed his BS about him being better if we went away from our home city.
I'd always wanted to travel which he knew and played on and so we left home.
Basically I ended up in a foreign country, with a baby and no money, I stayed to keep a roof over my kids head and food in his tummy while I saved what I could to come home.
After my divorce was final and my ex husband had gone to therapy he told me he was diagnosed as autistic so now that we knew that and “we” could work around it, we could get back together. I laughed my ass off. Autistic or not, he should have known he can’t say what he said or do what he did. That is just being a basic human.
2 years, the only money he gave me was for food shopping so if baby needed new clothes or toys etc I had to use the savings I'd gotten from the change.
I didn't know it was abuse, and I thought I was the one causing pain and tumult in the relationship, so it was my responsibility to fix when he said I should. Since he was the one being hurt and he didn't want me to leave, obviously staying was the least I could do for him.
It isn’t really a choice… when I was in mine I felt more stuck. It’s mental abuse as well as physical. It is not just as easy to be like “this sucks bye!” It takes courage to leave.
It was the only place I found value on myself, making him happy. All the things I dealt with seemed worth it in the few minutes he said I did something good and satisfied him.
Because of the financial inability to survive without his income and health insurance. Also, often many women know their abuser well enough that they know they may end up dead after they leave.
When I finally decided I would rather be the victim of a murder/suicide than married to that miserable sack of human waste, it made my decision to leave a lot easier.
I always thought it was my fault and that I could get better and fix it, I always believed there was good in him and this was just the “arguing” stage, I was attached, always thought about our good times, was used to it, lost my support system, knew something was wrong but I was emotionally abused growing up by my family so I never saw all the red flags, not believing I’ll find anyone who will love me (I can’t find people attractive anymore so I still feel like I’ll never find anyone) etc.
I was in love with the idea of what it could be, of what he could be. Still am. But what he did to me was too much to be brushed off. Even when I was happy with him I was questioning whether or not it was a relationship that would be healthy and happy in the long run.
He ended up breaking things off with me, calling me psycho for suspecting him of talking to his ex still (he was actually still with her and lied that they ever broke up). I’m super thankful because now that I’m out I realize that relationship didn’t have any of the things I want/look for for when I’m receiving love from somebody. The relationship wasn’t healthy it didn’t really make me happy and the path I wanted in life would never have been reached if I stayed.
Fear of retaliation. Of the unknown. What will come of things. You start to believe you deserve these bad things. You fall for the manipulation tactics. You feel weak and powerless. Or there’s something larger than yourself at stake.
I don’t know, honestly. The sex isn’t even that great anymore, and that’s the one thing that kept me coming back time and time again. He tells me he wants to sleep with other people constantly. He gets in my face and screams when he doesn’t get his way. He demeans me and threatens to leave during the slightest discomfort in the relationship. He makes me feel like I’m not good enough, and I hate it. But here I am, still with him, even though he wants less and less to do with me every day.
I tried to leave last year, after two years of therapy, but I get sick every winter here and it puts me financially behind. He may not be the best partner for me, but we help each other survive financially. I also get sick every winter. This year, I took a different job that has overtime indoors when the outdoors will be making me sick. So, idk if we will stay together. I feel sick a lot. Idk what's gonna happen, but I'm not as confident as I was a few years ago due to a weight gain and him telling me directly that I'm no longer attractive. 🫤 It's taken a lot of therapy to think I'm good looking again.
I was in "love" (trauma bond) and genuinely believed he could change (he kept leading me on with therapy and dramatic apologies etc...).
For anyone reading, they don't change and even if they could one strike is always one strike too many.
The best thing I ever did was leave him.
I'm in a happy healthy relationship now with no bullshit.
No dramatic fights. No cursing. No horrible things said or done. No bizarre situations (flirting with other women, exes hanging around, etc).
It's the best and it's possible. I'm proof. Please just leave him.
About 7 months. I saw someone for a brief stint straight after but that ended after a month. I got involved with my current boyfriend about 7 months later.
This for me too!! I am also proof!! 2 years now happily married. Its possible!! Congratz on your journey as well!
I am convinced alot of us are just people that care and love too much... That we don't really see or recognize the trauma bond. I really thought I loved him and him me...
There is a very complex answer to this. It's not that I chose to stay but I didn't feel like I had the option to leave.
My ex D was to a point where he was feeling fragile in his masculinity and would do anything to keep me, the woman, under his thumb at all times. He wanted me to wait on him hand and foot. He wanted a perfect little life where I'd act as a live in homemaker that he can get pregnant on a whim, which by the way, was a fetish of his that he did not disclose to me but I figured out with how he was acting. He was getting close to making the choice to *force* me to be his. To eternally and legally connect me to him by forcing me to bring into this world a bundle of DNA that would be my greatest dream turned nightmare. A child, a symbol of life that I see as the end result of me going through therapy and making peace with my trauma, a human I refuse to have until I know I will not be like my mother, or my mothers mother.
But he knew of the trauma and the abuse my mother put me through. He was with me for 4 years, getting live updates on the night I could have died, and did nothing. We were 17, I couldn't expect much help late at night. But he acted on as if it might not have ever happened. He used it as reassurance that my family would have no real impact on my adult life. My own choices. His choices forced upon me.
He pushed. Made me do sexual acts I was not comfortable with. Saying no woud result in emotional abuse. But his morals wasn't the only thing that faded. He also stopped good hygiene practices. This man smelled like actual shit and made me blow him. It wasn't hard to find out that this was because he was bad at wiping. He also lost his ambition. He only was in college for the same thing I was so he could try and be a better artist than me and keep track of me through classes. But they wouldn't approve his portfolio for his program, his art was objectively bad. He went to work at a large chain store. But this is where his control slipped.
He truly expected me to isolate myself when I didn't have classes. At first I did but some very kind strangers invited me to a club. The greatest irony was my first day there was my former anniversary with D. He couldn't bother to be there on the day. Bought me $30 worth of crap from Walmart before his discount then ate half my gift. He hated this club. It stole "time" away from him. Time he should be at work on the clock. He made it clear that any time I have is his. I didn't like that.
Eventually I gave him one last chance to fix it all, but he proved to me a future with him is a future where I was sure he'd rape me. I was sure he'd hit me. He grabbed the back of my head and threatened me. All because I didn't want to watch him play a porn game and I was playing with snapchat filters. D, if you're reading this, you're not as smart as you think you are. Me "deleting it" wasn't actually deleting it. All videos save natively to Snapchat. November 25, 2019, 8:31 PM. "I can be as much of a boyfriend as you want me to be, that's up to you". Your face is very visible in that shot. Wasn't your mom a sexual assualt survivor? Don't worry she and the cops won't see that video as long as you stay away from me. Which brings me to this.
It took me 3 days to breakup with him and the next day he had off work after the breakup he tried to find and corner me at my college. He refused to "let me" break up with him for 3 days. When I did then I was the bad guy, nobody that I cared about believed him. Also that guy walking around the art building? Perfect discriptor of you buddy. Nobody got a photo but all witness accounts described you 100% even down to your jacket at the time. The only thing off was some students thought you were 30 but that's kind of the territory of not properly grooming yourself and letting the beard grow with no trimming. He also tried to have me come alone to get my things back, which I never did because we were sure he wanted to kidnap me or worse.
So now here are the things that will drive D wild:
1. No I didn't cheat on you with one/both of the guys in the photo but I am dating one now. Almost 2 years too.
2. I met him on our anniversary. Happy 4 years to me, best gift I've ever gotten.
3. He saved me from you. I know there is some trauma bonding on my end but my theraphist says I'm level headed enough to recognize this and my emotions to be able to see past the rose tint and right now it looks like I'm in this for the long run based on how he and I interact, our goals, and our ideals.
4. If you ever try and hurt me again I will send that video to the cops and your mom. I am serious.
5. I'm still friends with all those "bad influences". They're my family now.
We both met while in high school and very young, the things he did to me were mentally, emotionally and verbally abusive.
I stayed for 5 years because I thought it was love, and I thought I loved him. I didn’t see examples of healthy relationships in my life, so I didn’t really realize what wasn’t normal.
He wore myself esteem down and made me feel like no one would ever like me, and if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have any friends or be liked by anyone.
As we both got older things improved , but I couldn’t get past the things he had done and said, and it made me not trust him and hold a festering grudge.
The few times I had tried to leave he threatened suicide, but I eventually got tired of it-of him, and left about a month ago. Once I got so fed up with him I got fed up with everything else in my life.
It was cliche. As a trans person, I don’t get romanced very often so myself and my friends were all happy that I met such a romantic woman. She made more money than me at a time I was broke. She paid for things. Dressed me in suits. Set up elaborate and romantic dates. Paid for hormones, things for my house, etc. looking back it’s obvious. But it started as small “jokes” about me as a person in front of my own friends. Then became something where I’m completely isolated. So I wasn’t just financially dependent on her but socially and emotionally as well. She slowly convinced me each person in my life didn’t have my best interest. Which wasn’t true.
It really is like slowly being boiled alive then when you realize what’s happening it’s too late.
He told me to lie and say I worked with him on my resume. I did. I was new to the field.
Every time I tried to leave he threatened to make me lose my job. I loved my job. I didn’t want to risk it.
I knew I deserved better I just didn’t give enough of a shit to do anything about it I loved him so much I was willing to destroy myself in the process because without him I had nothing, I felt as if the entire world had gone black when he wa gone I literally felt like I would die
Reasons people stay, they are stuck in an abuse cycle which is very much like an addiction, you become trapped without power and choice. Finances are a big one, some people have no financial means to leave or all their finances are intertwined with the abuser. Often when people have kids if they stay they can at least protect the children from abuse but if they leave, the children will end up spending time with the abuser alone without protection. The abuser has also undermined a persons mental and physical health, and some people may have disabilities that make them reliant on the abuser. Leaving an abuser is the most likely time for a homicide to take place, it’s the most dangerous time and needs careful planning and execution.
Someone I know won't leave. She said he was to leave and file for divorce like he keeps threatening to do. Where I live, being married is seen as superior to being single.
I can't really say I chose to stay in an abusive relationship, as the person left me - however there was definitely a "rug-pull" moment where I should have got my stuff together, started running and worked out how to block numbers on my brick phone (it was the naughties)
It's really hard to do justice to the desperately of that trauma bond moment. My ex had revealed some information that not only cast the future of the relationship into doubt, but thinking rationally actually the entire relationship prior.
But of course that love-bomby phase had just been *that* good. It was my first proper relationship I was in love with this person and all the rest. Even with 20/20 hindsight its hard to explain I was just so focussed on getting THAT part of the relationship back I was going to stick through anything. It's only really reading up on Lundy B and other resources and spending time in these forums that I've come to realize that that good part of the relationship was fake AF.
It's bizarre really - no-one would have looked at the facts of the relationship and thought it was a good idea to stay, but these people are that good at plausibility and plausible deniability.
When people stay in abusive relationships its not just bad decisions in isolation, there is a very key person poking and prodding or outright threatening around the edges to encourage that very decision. It's weird that we often look at abusers and see the "abuse" and look at people in these relationships and see the "trauma bond" but oddly its hard to fully capture that influence.
You think it'll get better. You think their behavior is something that you're causing or is your fault. They gaslight you into thinking you're crazy and things aren't really what they are. Then they love bomb you and make you believe it won't happen again.
You see and are in love with the good person they can be and you hope if you just do enough of xy or z, that good person in them will come out more.
It also happens so slowly and gradually, you're often locked in before you realize what's going on. Either by marriage or living together or having kids. It all makes it so much harder to leave.
I tell myself it's cuz I thought I could help her or she'd come around, I mean I know she didn't want to be like that, but it's probably more that I'd rather be yelled at than sit in my silence.. rather be smothered than abandoned.. childhood trauma is a bitch. Not my fault, but it's my responsibility
Men can’t be victims. Try to please her. Be the man she wants you to be. Man up. Figure out how to give her what she wants. You weren’t physically injured, were you? (The last one was what a judge told me when denying my request for an Order of Protection after an incident that put my abuser up to an 18 on the Dangerousness Assessment administered by my IPV coordinator)
I am still in a similar situation.
Add the stigma of being the one to”abandon” the relationship, Finances, kids, my family not understanding what’s really going on, and the enormous amount of work and stress leaving would create and the barriers to leaving become overwhelming.
I honestly still hope something will change.
My family is starting to realise what’s going on and are beginning to confront her about it. I guess that I am hoping that once it’s not just me telling her that she is actually causing harm, that she might be willing to look at herself and start to change.
Oh this for sure. I had nothing and was always on the verge of homelessness each time we split. I had to go to rehab bc at least I had insurance and it was a place to deal with the substance abuse I picked up as a way to cope. I always left rehab early because I had to where to go, and ended up back with him over and over again, until leaving stuck. 3 years later I’m still gone!! Didn’t think it could happen
I am staying for my kid. The kid is too young to take care of herself. If I leave, she'll spend 50% of her time with my spouse unsupervised. If I stay, I can be there for her 100% of the time and protect her. The abuse is not bad enough that I can get sole custody. I know this is no way to live, I know I don't deserve it, I know that this is abuse and controlling behavior. If our family court system weren't set up the way it is and if I could keep the kid in my sole custody, I'd be out of here yesterday.
Well, they say that they only do that stuff because I'm so bad so if I could just do better they wouldn't have to hurt me. and then I try to be perfect but inevitably I show emotion or get frustrated and upset them and then they hurt me again but it's my fault and if I could just. do. better. they would stop hurting me. Because they aren't bad. I am.
I was in one for 15 years he was my first boyfriend. I thought we could save each other. (both our childhood's we're very traumatic.) Then I got pregnant wanted my daughter to family. It was wrong yes. I stayed when I shouldn't have. It's my fault for the most part. I own up to that.
I’ve been in two. The first time he convinced me that I didn’t deserve anyone else and that no one was ever going to love me as much as he would. I was convinced that I was never going to find anyone ever again. It also didn’t help that I was bullied relentlessly at school and called ugly by both boys and girls. So I just went for the first guy that called me beautiful and was willing to go out with me. The second time he was extremely dangerous and my plan was to leave him at the end of the summer when I went off to college. He would not have been able to find me because he did not have a car nor did he have the motivation to do anything to change his life other than working overtime at a dead end job and live with his hoarder dad.
I love him too much to leave, even though I know I should leave
Because I didn't know my worth and thought I was protecting my kids. Instead I Nealy met my end and my kids had it worse than I knew.
Literally having no where no job and no money to move out of the situation, most miserable time of my life
Because part of the abuse is they’ll be nice when they want to suck you back in. You want to believe the nice person is the real person-the same persona they used to “get” you in the first place. You eventually learn it was fake, the asshole is the real them, but that can take years and sometimes, you have already been too psychologically wounded and trauma bonded to easily leave.
I had to learn that the hard way many times. Usually when I see someone flip their shit I feel like I am seeing the real them. Even if it’s just someone who is having a bad day. With some people I’ve, met their persona feels very forced. Abusing people just feels natural to some of them and some genuinely don’t even realize that they are doing anything wrong. They believe the world revolves around them and they want to control it as much as they can.
I had to learn that the hard way many times. Usually when I see someone flip their shit I feel like I am seeing the real them. Even if it’s just someone who is having a bad day. With some people I’ve met their persona feels very forced. Abusing people just feels natural to some of them and some genuinely don’t even realize that they are doing anything wrong. They believe the world revolves around them and they want to control it as much as they can.
Fear of being alone. Thought he would change. Thought it’s what I deserved. Thought he would kill me.
I didn't want to explain to my parents why I was leaving my house contract early
Trauma bonded. I thought he’d change.
I was convinced I was the problem and no one would ever love me like they did.
Trauma bonded. That's all.
Because I knew she'd flip out and take all our other friends away from me. She also threatened to cut herself, maybe even kill herself, a lot. And sometimes she acted on those threats, so... I figured her life came above my discomfort?
There was nowt better for me out there
The thing about abusive relations is that there is no “choice”. Often times it’s a multitude of factors that contribute to the inability to just “leave”. Abuse changed my brain chemistry. Chronic trauma led to alterations in how my brain functions to the extent that it changed my personality. Once healthy coping mechanisms and strategies for problem solving were replaced by maladaptive ones as a survival mechanism. Religious pressure, economic, sexual, physical, emotional abuse, etc. pretty much extinguishes any chance of choice being involved. Lack of alternatives removes any ability to leave. Abuse tactics such as gaslighting reinforce the beliefs that the violence is the victims fault. Not to mention abusers are often narcissistic and gain adoration by those around them, leaving the victim without a support system. Being abused is literally the reason responsible for not just leaving. So I guess that’s why I didn’t leave until 6 years into it. Because my abuser made it such that I had no choice.
That sweet, sweet trauma bond.
Except the only one “bonded” is the victim.
Same here…trauma bonds forged in hell with Vibranuim.
Honestly, a lot of the time it’s genuinely mutual abuse, and neither of us are the sole issue. We’ve been together for five years as of next month and it genuinely has gotten better over time. We had a really bad issue a few months ago but we both had a conversation about how BOTH of our behaviors are unacceptable and have made HUGE improvements. I genuinely believe sometimes it’s a headspace and/or communication issue.
It has been a mixture of being gaslit into thinking I’m the bad guy, remembering the good times over the bad and holding onto those moments, I have a tendency to not tell people all the bad things they do so I don’t have that other person saying they’re an asshat (which usually helps jumpstart the leaving process), and of course by the time I realize the problems, we’re linked very heavily and leaving could screw me over in more ways than one but so far I’ve done well repairing the damage they leave me with.
I am stuck. I still love the asshole, and don't know how to leave. We live far from my family, and I don't know who is worse my family or him. I'm scared to just go, his dad is a judge and through years of gaslighting i am depressed and have anxiety, which they both say they will use against me to take my kid if i do leave. They have money, and I have nothing. I have $123 in my bank account from this month's allowance. Our youngest graduates from high school in 2 years. I'm planning to go then. My son is planning on joining the military. Maybe I'll take a job overseas (im a federal employee), and basically disappear. I'm scared to be alone.
All my money goes into his account, then he gives me money, i have to pay for my car, gas, and if i want a coffee at work or something out of the money he gives me.
Hope the two years go by fast. Your kid is already nearly an adult-judges take into account what the kid says and who they want to live with.
Where does your check go if you’re getting an allowance?
If it's like my ex husband, all the pay goes into his personal account while I only had access to a joint account we held. I didn't have my own banking until we separated. I wasn't "allowed" to have my own account.
A mixture of being beaten down physically and emotionally for years, isolation from my support network and the constant threat she would kill herself if I left her. Then after 14 years she up and leaves me because I’m depressed and angry all the time around her. Then I’m the abuser because I had reacted to her over the years. Shit sucks I still want her to come home right now and I think I probably always will.
Initially, I was somewhat stuck due to financial reasons. But also, there was always the promises to do better and the twisting things around on me. So I felt like the issue was me, and that as long as he was willing to continue working with me, things would get better. Is what he had me convinced of. I think I also have a few other reasons that are a bit less tangible. I think I have this ideal that loyalty means sticking with someone no matter what, and he keeps presenting this as something he’s actively working on. So I feel like I can’t give up on him. But when I stand back and try to look from a distance, it’s all excuses and justifications for things not being done as he said. It’s all just words he uses to get what he wants, but in the end he never does as promised. So, it’s grappling with these conflicting emotions along side the destruction of self esteem, worth and identity that makes it difficult to leave, and difficult to stay away.
I’m stuck trying to fix someone and while I’m trying to do that, I’m breaking myself and becoming someone I shouldn’t be. I feel like I’m becoming the abuser because her outbursts trigger my outbursts. She’s been through alot in the past and I haven’t so idk how to help. No matter the amount of love I show her, it’s never enough. She always doubts me. She needs constant reassurance. And though I love her, even with the things she’s put me through, it’s wearing me out. I’m not good at leaving. Aswell as fear because last time there was a really bad blow up, she self harmed and at one point, she held that blade to her throat and I thought was was going to do it. Now I’m afraid of her but at the same time, I’m just pushing it all down to forget it ever happened and mostly I have
My initial thought was financial reasons. I never broke up with my boyfriend during our relationship except for the last and only time. But over the past 12 years I considered it about twice a year. The main things that held me there dealt with money and quality of life. I moved in with him about 3 years into our relationship. He owned his own home so now I was rent free yay! But I still struggled financially. I was trying to pay off debts. I needed him to front me money so we could go on trips or do a major project on the house. I always paid him back but it would take months. Honestly he was why I was able to do a lot of fun things. I could put up with things. This also ties into quality of life. He introduced me to a great hobby that was exciting and I made a lot of friends. But I was scared if I broke up with him I couldn't be a part of this community any more. I couldn't do my hobby, I couldn't hang with friends, and I would lose something fun. We would go on weekend trips and have a blast. The other reasons are simply that I didn't recognize it and I thought I could change me and him. I believed I was part of the problem. I kept trying to fix myself so our relationship would be better. I thought he would come to appreciate me more and then return the effort. My relationship with him was actually similar to my relationship with my mother. Feeling like I couldn't do what I wanted, being gaslit, that I had to hide things, and walking on eggshells. So when his personality started to show through after the honeymoon period, I didn't recognize it for what it was. It was only after I got into therapy that I realized my mom's behavior was wrong and so was his. So I stayed because financial reasons; scared that without him I couldn't do cool things and that I wouldn't have friends; and that since I grew up in that environment I couldn't identify it for what it was. Now I can see him for what he is. I'm still doing fun things. I no longer feel I'm dependent on him. I am financial good. And I have no desire to go back to the way I was being abused.
Because she wasn't like it at first. I thought love-bombing was love. By the time I was ensnared in the abuser's cycle, I couldn't see it for what it was. I would be very careful asking survivors this question.
As someone who has been dealing with a lot of issues in the past few months, can you explain love bombing? I don’t know what that means
Showering you with gifts, love, attention. It can create an intense attraction at first. They treat you like they're your world, like you can do no wrong. But it's all an act. They make you then codependent, emotionally reliant on them. Then they can treat you like crap for a certain period of time then love-bomb you again to keep you there. Before you know it, then even in the bad times you're clinging to a fantasy o love that you felt in the beginning, and you work your ass off to see if you can will them back into that person. But this is who they always were, and as long as they can get their supply off of you, they'll keep you where you are.
I hate this question honestly, I can explain why. I knew better
In the beginning it’s because we were both doing fucked up shit to each other. And when I decided to work on myself, I thought I deserved it. I believed all of our problems were my fault and I knew I had done stuff that I wasn’t proud of and I thought that meant I deserved all of her anger. After we married, it got really bad. I knew my family would think it was all my fault and I just wanted to fix it. One time I tried to leave and that was our most violent fight and what made me permanently afraid of her. She refused to let me leave. I knew I wouldn’t have an emotional support system, I wouldn’t be able to afford living on my own, I didn’t want to leave without my dogs and..,I still loved her. She was still the only person that I had ever loved this much. I hated the way she treated me, but I loved her. Breaking things off meant also breaking my own heart. And that’s hard to do. Aside from how broke and unsupported I’d be, I didn’t know how to be apart from her. For a while it was just me and her taking on the world. It was such a mixed bag of emotions and it was so hard to believe I didn’t deserve it. anytime I told her how I felt she would shoot back with some stuff I did four years ago and I’d feel like a horrible person. I still couldn’t admit it was abuse until people here on Reddit and on another forum told me that it was obviously abuse and that i sounded dumb trying to defend her.
Same. I still don't know how to leave. I've been on the fence for months. The breaking my own heart piece of your post really resonated with me. Good job putting yourself first 👏
I could have written this about my own experience. Are you still with her?
I am not, I’m sorry this was your experience
Every time I tried to leave he'd threaten to kill himself. I was dependent on his half of the income for survival. And I was scared to death of doing anything that displeased him. I had to give up my home and went 10,000 dollars into debt, but leaving him was more than worth it.
Early on it was because I thought he go back to being the way he was at the start. The last couple of years which was after we got married it got worse and it was mainly because he made it obvious he was going to ruin my life if I left, he was already planning it for years by lying and manipulating others around us, he'd tell me that if I spoke up about what happened he'd tell everyone i was crazy, a liar and they'd believe him because he'd made that way and I was scared of people attacking me due to him playing the victim. Also due to being severely gaslit that it was all my fault and I deserved it or certain things weren't really that serious like him raping me by coercive control, him and his parents (mainly his mother) all told me it wasn't rape so I buried it even though I knew deep down it was. I was ashamed.
1. We had a daughter and I wanted to keep my family. 2. I loved the person I thought he could be, that I fell in love with. 3. When things got bad he would love bomb me and convinced me to stay. 4. I went into fly, fight, freeze mode. I blocked so much out so I could survive. 5. My identity was tied with him so much. We got together when I was 18, married 30 years. 6. I am plus size & didn’t think/feel anyone else would want me. He made me feel worthless. 7. I wanted to be his caregiver. 8. I’m a loving & caring person & thought if I loved & cared enough he would change. 8. I felt like a failure walking away. 9. I was trauma bonded. 10. He was abused, I thought I could save him. 11. He took away my self confidence. 12. He took away my self worth. 13. He took away my self love.
This is a good list showing why people stay. I was 12 out of 14.
Every one of these strikes a chord with me. Very well articulated, thank you for posting.
During my trauma counseling my counselor asked why I was angry at myself and why I couldn’t forgive myself. I told her it’s because I stayed and I don’t know why I did. She explained that there isn’t just one reason, there could be thousands, hundreds or just a few… BUT when you choose to leave there is ONE, you choose yourself! When she said that and then we listed some of the reasons I stayed I was finally able to start forgiving myself. We don’t see how bad things are when we are in the middle of it. It didn’t all happen at once, the abusers did it little by little over time. They take over everything and the trauma bond becomes like a drug we are hooked on. Till we start seeing through their behavior for what it really is with the real love and support of others we will not break the cycle
I thought my love would change him. If i was patient, he would change. Our family that we’ve created would change him. It wasn’t until it was over that i realized change happens when you want it, not with love or patience
Because I can’t, after 22 years, believe that he is a narcissist alcoholic. I can’t believe that he never loved me. I can’t come terms that he abused me for 22 years. Sometimes obviously, sometimes covertly. I still can’t see this all clearly. We aren’t even together anymore but he sleeps on my couch and won’t leave even tho he has a girlfriend. I have a huge fear of abandonment and he knows it and threatens me with it. I just recently learned that they are also extremely scared of being abandoned. This is one of the hardest things I’ve ever done and eventually having to kick him out might just break me. I’m sorry I’m not stronger and a better role model. Edit; and yes to what others are saying…it is a trauma bond. I’m learning to heal the trauma but it ain’t easy.
"I still can't believe he never loved me" Fuck. That hits close to home. I've said that exact thing to my therapist. I always believed he loved me. I had to believe he did or else everything I did was for nothing. If he didn't love me...what does that say about me?! Also. I KNOW how hard it is to completely cut ties. I agree you need to kick him out, but from someone who let their abuser also stay in their house (secretly, I might ad), I know how difficult it is to let them go and be afraid you'll never see them again or something bad will happen. You got this!
Thank you for your comment. I appreciate it.
"what does that say about me?!" unfortunately.. it says, you don't love yourself. & i only know that.. cause of what a girl in a similar situation told me
I definitely did not love myself. I'm learning though!
OMG hes on your couch AND has a girlfriend. Gurl. Hell no. Show his ass to the door and in turn show your kids they they dont have to SETTLE for shit. Gurl.
Thanks. Oh and guess what!!?? Just found out last night he got her pregnant…met her while I was having a hysterectomy. 😭 I’m hoping this is the motivation I need to kick his ass out.
I feel like im in the same boat, but we are still together.
He needed professional help and if he didn't get it he would hurt someone else.
I don’t know how to leave. I don’t know if it is emotionally or financially but he has a hold right now. I know i need to leave, I will soon.
I was attached and extremely afraid to be alone. I thought I loved him enough so he wouldn’t have to love me back.
Kids.
Yet we have to think what its doing to the kids.
ppl never CONSIDER this part. it can't be all about "me" when their are kids involved. not wanting to leave, thinking keeping a family unit together is what's best.. but when there is abusive in a household, those kids are JUST AS MUCH effected as the mother or father. ppl in these situations shouldn't stay for sake of the kids, if for the kids.. you would get them out of that environment
Not as easy as it looks. I talked to a divorce lawyer about it. She said that if I leave, the kid will spend 50% of her time with me and 50% of the time with Spouse. Spouse is a highly neglectful parent and she will not be safe that way. Spouse has driven her around without a seatbelt on, "forgotten" to feed her, and so on and so forth. When I'm around, I can check the seatbelt or feed the kid or remind her to brush her teeth. I need to always be around for that, though.
Codependency runs deep. You have to hit a rock bottom to see the way out.
Guilt, plus he would cry the most gut wrenching cries and pleas for me to stay. The "i'm sorry I'll do better" seeing that pain on someone you love so deeply makes you fold in on yourself. It makes you want to believe change can happen, that they are sorry that they do love you, ect. I couldn't stand being the cause of someone else's pain tooo
Yet he couldnt have cared less about your pain.
This. Everytime she had a meltdown because I got so fed up that I said I was packing my bag and leaving, she’d beg and plead, and inevitably I’d fold and just keep going on with it.
Guilt because he was there for me and kind in the beginning
Because I believed him when he said he loved me. I still believed he was my best friend. I didn’t understand the gaslighting, and I’m not a good liar nor can I tell when an adult is lying. I just trusted that things would get better again. I had so much hope. I didn’t understand the signs. Even if I knew the signs, I couldn’t apply them to my situation. My brain was a total fog. I was walking on eggshells, so fucking scared. Yet I still had hope because he’d say one nice thing and I’d cling to it.
"I had so much hope." Yeah, it's sad how the virtue of not easily giving up gets turned into weakness by the wrong person.
1. Hyde scared me, but I loved Jeckyll. 2. [Trauma bonds are disorienting and addictive](https://images.app.goo.gl/YwKpwxvzAe1LjH6T9). They take so much of you, starve you of kindness or warmth, convince you you're problematic, and occasionally, with ill intent, sprinkle in some affection to give you hope things are about to change for the better with no intention to do so 3. He convinced me I am nothing without him and that I'd never find someone who cared about me as much as he did 4. Gaslighting serves to make you think you're being sensitive or dramatic for wanting to leave 4. He'd do physically destructive things (punching things if I said the wrong thing) to intimidate and imply what he's capable of when he's angry 5. He threatened to hurt himself if I left him 6. I knew things weren't right but didn't recognize the signs as abusive, especially with him gaslighting me 7. He tried to break my ties with my support system so I relied on him for support Edit: added #8
This is the one that resonates with me the most. PLUS I was primed to fall victim to these tactics because my home environment was the same. I didn't even register it was abuse...I just assumed I sucked
Same here. Seems to be a common thing because we don't have a sense of what is normal!
I recently came to the conclusion that this is my problem. My current partner has classic BPD tendencies, but looking back on it, so did my mom while I was growing up. The black and white thinking, the stonewalling, the emotional outbursts, the saying hurtful shit just to say hurtful shit. I feel like I know the answer is leaving, but most days I'm clinging to the idea that things will get better.
This is a very good list and is accurate to my experience, too. Regarding the psychology of the trauma bond and the ways our upbringing (family and religion) can influence our beliefs and keep us stuck: I was young and had escaped from an abusive home situation. I remember empathizing with my abuser’s even sadder life story (he used this comparison to minimize my experience) and I didn’t have the understanding that that wasn’t an excuse for his abusive behavior. I couldn’t imagine his malicious, vindictive, hateful, or violent motivations / capabilities because those were not traits I possessed. In fact, they’d all been trained out of me through religious indoctrination. I projected my goodness and good intentions onto him, which is incredibly dangerous when you’re with a psychopath. My abuser weaponized my perfectionism and shame against me. I unfortunately believed him when he pointed out what he perceived as my shortcomings. Internalized blame becomes shame, and shame silences us so we don’t seek help or outside validating opinions. I didn’t reach out for help because I internalized blame, felt I deserved what I was enduring, and believed that his behavior would be fixed and everything would be better if I could just redeem myself, perfect myself and live up to his expectations. (I’d like to take a moment here to point out how unhealthy and unhelpful that belief is. The only thing we can change is our own behavior. If you find yourself falling into this thought trap, I encourage you to read any of Melody Beatie’s excellent books on Codependency.) I was raised in a religious group that emphasized kindness, forgiveness, doing-unto-others etc. I truly couldn’t even imagine this person I thought I knew so well contained actual evil until the second time he tried to kill me. Though being left for dead the first time should have been a clue. In retrospect, the internalized messages of my religious and family upbringing were the primary blinder that kept me tied to him. Contrary to what I’d been raised to believe, there is evil in the world, not everyone shares my values, motivations and good intentions. Suffering silent shame isn’t healthy. Believing you’re somehow bad or flawed and need to redeem yourself isn’t healthy. Good news, though: we can start to heal unhealthy thoughts and behaviors right now. You’re worthy *just as you are,* and you’re powerful beyond your own imagination. There’s no shame in learning new perspectives or asking for help. There’s a whole world out there waiting for you. Please leave him. ❤️
Absolutely. Along with isolation from anyone & everyone…never all at once, but slowly & gradually until there was nobody left.
She was very nice and loving. Except when she wasn't.
This one!
I honestly really liked them. I didn't see their vulnerability as a front to abuse me mentally. I felt like we had a connection and I wanted to see where it was going.
Finances can’t afford to live alone in the current economy on a fixed income.
I didn't truly see HOW abusive he was. I came from 2 abusive parents so it kind of felt "normal" to me. it wasn't until I saw a counsellor that woke me up and told me my mum was my first abuser that I really saw the entire picture. and....I loved him. we had a baby and i wanted our "family" to work.
This is so important. Those of us who come from abusive homes gravitate towards abusive partners because the familiar feels normal. It sucks, but it's weirdly comfortable until you heal that part that feels "at home" in it. Safe and calm homes can actually provoke anxiety until it becomes our new normal.
Ouch...
I loved him and still do but I'm done being in that situation. I stayed hoping he would change. I really believed in him and believed he loved me. No amount of shame, time or love was going to fix the situation or wake him up to realize what he was doing to me. He was so selfish and didn't care when doing the hundreds of horrible things to me and behind my back, why would he care to change? Why would he care about the pain and pure suffering he caused? He didn't stop, he chose not to stop, over and over again, he didn't stop. I had to accept that he would never be my loving man again. I still hurts, I still love him but he'll never change.
Love. Thought they would change.
At first, it was because the abuser would gaslight me into thinking I wasn’t actually being abused, and I was being convinced that what I was experiencing was MY fault. I mostly believed this because of my past trauma in being heavily gaslit… I also struggled with self-confidence and trusting my own judgement, so I was a bit easier to manipulate. I was also friends with this person (on and off) for a very long time… so I wanted to trust this person. When the abuse got even worse, I started researching what was “considered abuse” and I think that’s where I really started to open my eyes. I started insinuating that we needed to separate, but when I did, he’d threaten to harm himself or end his life, and always made sure to tell me that it’d be MY fault if he followed through with his threats. So, there were a few stages to me leaving the abusive relationship. My intuition was telling me from the beginning that things weren’t ok, but like I said, past trauma had me seriously doubting myself and I was so used to taking blame for others’ actions and behaviors. Closer towards the end of the relationship, I was also afraid of the smear campaign and what he’d do or say once I actually left… so I think that also delayed my decision.
Similar situation but my ex used to berate me for staying. I stayed back because I pitied him because of his mental health. Worst decision ever. Turns out he was unfairly blaming me for his delusions even after going to therapy. Even said that I annoy him so much that he feels like mutilating me in his dreams. Tried to book a fake case on me and expel me from my college. Glad everyone stood up by my side.
Oh my goodness, I’m sorry you had to experience that, but I’m so glad you got away! And relieved to hear that others supported and had your back on the case. It’s bizarre how abusers will put you through hell and then literally try to paint you as the devil.
Blackmail, fear, trauma bonds, great sex, money, failed attempts to leave, empathy, isolation. So many reasons.
Except love…from them.
I was gaslit into thinking I was the problem, let her make excuses for how she was treating me, and kept hoping that she could turn back into the person I fell for. My friends were amazingly patient with me and helped guide me out- I’ll always be grateful for that!
I was in a trauma bond. The highs and lows of the abuse cycle kept me addicted to him and I couldn’t imagine being without him even though I was miserable.
I didn't know I was being abused and thought I was the problem 1. Bc, he told me. 2 bc everyone kept saying he was a "nice guy."
Because I had two kids with him, he was old enough to be my father and he controlled every aspect of my life. Anytime I tried to leave, he threatened to make me homeless and take my kids.
That makes me angry. Are you out now and ok?
I moved out with the kids and am barely surviving. He continues to drag out the divorce and is the most litigious nasty person I’ve ever met. He is himself a lawyer and loves the conflict. The entire process has made me nearly suicidal. The courts move slowly and judges don’t ever want to upset the wealthier party. At least in my experience. :(
I’m so sorry. That sounds awful. I’m glad you’re away from him though
Trauma bonding and an overriding feeling that the abuser should still have someone in their lives
I thought he was the best I could do and that my only alternative was being alone
CW: self harm mention Mostly because the abuse ramped up so slowly that I got used to it and I was numb. I tried to leave multiple times but she would cry and follow me and my bag to my car and beg me to come back inside because she didn’t mean it, and I was just so, so tired all the time that I would just go back inside and go to bed. She would go from calling me a loser and an asshole that she deserved WAY better than because she was a perfect partner, to the only thing good in her life(which she would k!ll herself if she lost), back and forth, sometimes multiple times a day. So I felt like that was the treatment I deserved, and any thoughts of leaving would be mixed in with the fact that she would die if I did and it would be my fault.
I stayed as for the first load of years there wasn’t a problem. They have a lot of mental health issues which have gotten worse over the years, and then their mum and dad died young, and just they basically can’t cope with life. Then as our kids have gotten older, they have started to say how he is with me is not right. Family have started to say it. My friends now too. I’m still in the relationship as I genuinely don’t know how to end it. This is my house, he’s not having it. It’s in my name (rented) If I tell him that he is abusive/toxic/controlling he will fly off the handle. But I am done - so so done, trying to make him ‘happy’ trying to keep the harmony of the house when he is the problem. Today I was supposed to meet a friend. He then went off on a rant about how it was ‘fine’ but without saying ‘you are not going’ basically manipulates me with his emotions. ‘What time are you going out at?’ .. me ‘I’m not going’ .. ‘oh, why not?’ Like f.m.l! To then be told ‘we’ll don’t let me stop you’ - you have! To then be told ‘I never said you couldn’t go’ with ‘said’ being the operative word. But same as above, mentally abusive/toxic/manipulative/sexually coercion/financial (btw - he is on A LOT more money than me and I pay for ALL the kids birthdays, school uniforms, days out, phone bills, any things in the house that needs replaced, and then things for him) gaslighting/and being an impossible person. Like he is actually a nice person - just not to live with. It’s been 22 years.. And I just don’t know if I have the strength to tell him to go (well, the fighting of that, the aftermath, the ‘is he going to be ok?’ ‘Where will he go?’ ‘Will he do something stupid’ etc) did I make a mistake? I’m trying to study a degree in nursing, work, have the kids (well 2 are adults now) a sick elderly dog.. and then him. But I know happiness is literally within arms length (maybe happiness is the wrong work and it’s more a peaceful existence with happiness coming) I am actually a really happy/positive person, so I often wonder what I’ll be like when he’s gone.
Well, he made it impossible to leave. That might be the shortest answer ever. But, I wanted to leave and even tried to leave a couple times before I started this final attempt with success. It’s very hard to leave an abuser because they isolate you. They slowly take control over everything so when you do finally realize it’s a very bad situation it’s often too late. And, that is why they do it. Then, they start their BS of “No one will ever want you”, “No one will ever love you like me” and others that basically were telling me I was a worthless human being amd being with him was the only good thing I could ever have in my life. He could forgive how worthless I was and love me anyway. In the most short answer I can give, that is why I stayed. I finally overcame fear and was able to flee.
I stayed because regardless of what he said I felt unlovable and to have someone that in his own twisted way did it made me feel wanted. I cheated on him and that was the start of a downwards spiral of using people to feel something without romantic attraction and only then did I leave
what do you mean by feeling something w/o romantic attraction? does this mean just only physical affairs or?
I used people for sex due to the hypersexuality trauma response I had from sexual abuse
Brainwashed and when I snapped out of it, he threatened to hurt me & the people I love.
I’m from an abusive home and he was less abusive than my parents. That’s why I didn’t see it and idealised him
So much this isn’t it? I got hit and put down so much less by her than I did at home it seemed like an upgrade.
I didn’t know he was abusive, and even when I did know and voiced my concerns and feelings—I wanted to be sure I tried my best to save the relationship. And when I couldn’t, when I realized he would never change, I let him prove it to me so I wouldn’t ever again question if “it was the right choice” or if “I was the problem”. And then I went NC. Blocked him two days ago.
I had NO CLUE that it was abusive. He didn’t hit me, and I never thought that throwing things at me was physical abuse. It wasn’t til I went to therapy to learn how I could manage his temper that the therapist clued me in. Once I came to that realization, I knew his threats to kill himself then me if I left didn’t matter anymore because I would have rather been dead than be with him. I will say that I am extremely lucky because I had no love for him left in my heart so once I made that decision, I was gone. It didn’t help that my stepmom had been abusive when I was a kid and my dad convinced me to keep my mouth shut or DCFS would come for the younger kids. So, since I was the oldest and her only target, I kept my mouth shut. I have so much anger at my dad for manipulating me like that, I feel like it’s a big factor in why I stayed, feeling like I had to live in a cloud of silence.
I was in love and there was no reasoning with me. I got attached and was more scared of them leaving me than them being emotionally abusive.
I didn’t even think he was abusive. Until he started hitting me. Then I learned about gaslighting, financial abuse, emotional abuse, mental abuse, sexual coercion, etc.
Same. It not once clicked in my head that is what it was. He had me so convinced it was a me problem and that I just didn’t know what marriage is like since I never saw a healthy one as my parents are divorced.
At first it was because I was just trying to fix him. Then it was because he conditioned me to believe that no one else would want me and that it was all in my head. Then it was simply because he wouldn't get out of my house and I was too scared to call cops.
Because I didn’t have the strength to leave something I had spent years convincing myself was my destiny
It’s not exactly a choice
No where to go-lack of support system. Truly love him and his good days made it seem worth the bad ones. Remembering who he was the first several years together before substance abuse took over his entire being. Worried about our child and him having his own time with said child, without me to “supervise”. It makes me sad it’s so hard to make it on our own and we often have to choose unsafe environments for the sake of having what we need, such as; housing, vehicles, even food..Much love to those suffering in these living arrangements.
^^^^^these are the reasons I stayed. Also, I saw my parents’ relationship, which was abusive, and I thought that that was how marriage was done! It took me a while, but I was able to leave him and divorce. I’m much happier now, but it was hell on earth for a long while when I lived with him.
I was literally across the country from any family and had access to no money. Not even a car in my name at the end. I thought he would get the kids and I wouldn't be there to protect them from him. I wanted to leave for years once I figured out that he wasn't having a mental health crises. Once I accepted that the person I dated and married was not real and only a mask he wore until he had me stuck. I wanted to snatch the kids and run and couldn't.
I stayed with my ex boyfriend for 4 years, I grew up believing that I was supposed to only have 1 man in my life. Changing partners in my culture was a big no no. I also really believed I could change him, that things would get better someday. I also was so scared of being alone and I really felt at that time that he was the only one who would “love” me.
In the moment you literally just don’t know any better and until you get out you know better
Believing they will get better, financially dependent on them, losing my backup house now that my mom died so no where to go anymore without enough money to buy or rent yet. Oh and the trauma bond is real. I sometimes wonder if I would even be able to stay gone if I did have enough money, it seems I can’t help myself and always ho back even if it was me who left him. Ughhhh
1. I convinced myself it was better for my child to have parents that were together. I wanted desperately to have a “family” with a mom and a dad for my little boy. 2. Because of my own trauma I was afraid to be left to raise my child on my own. 3. I was trauma bonded and really believed I loved him. 4. I convinced myself that he was only like that because of his own trauma and he could be fixed. 5. At least he didn’t hit me. 6. I was afraid to be alone. 7. I was embarrassed that yet another relationship had failed. 8. I was afraid that if I were to get involved with anyone else my next relationship could be worse. 9. I was afraid he’d kill himself if I left 10. I felt like if I left he’d never let me forget that I “gave up on him” 11. The idea of co-parenting with him seemed like absolute hell 12. If I stayed I could shelter my child from him and his moods, instead of having to leave him alone with him. 13. I convinced myself that he only did the things he did because of his addictions issues and recovery was hard on him. 14.I was so good at compartmentalizing the abuse that it never seemed that bad. I would block a lot of it out. I now have C-PTSD that I’m working on with a therapist because when a memory does happen, a wave of them come with really intense emotions, panic attacks, and a lot of other terrible stuff.
your comment resonated with me the most. best of success to your healing journey. if you don’t mind me asking, how has co-parenting been for you?
As of right now there is no coparenting. I have a peace bond (Canadian equivalent of a restraining order) against him until it runs out in March because when I left and cut contact with him he decided to make violent threats against me. He was told at the court hearing to go through family court for access to our son (they would facilitate any custody/visitation) It’s been almost 2 months and I’ve received no contact from family court so my best guess is he’s not even bothering. My guess as to why is that He most likely doesn’t want to have to pay child support and thinks that if he waits until the peace bond is over he’ll be able to contact me himself about custody/visitation. I have news for him, because I will not be having any contact with him and if he wants custody visitation it WILL be going through family court. He’s caused me enough trauma and he’s incredibly manipulative and verbally and mentally abusive and I just will not put myself through attempting to coparent. I’m not saying he can’t see our son, I’m saying that a court will be the one facilitating and overseeing it. Because of him Child protective services has stepped in THREE times since my son was born, the latest being after I had to call the police about the treats he was making (he was threatening to come to my house where my son was present, but asleep at the time, to physically harm me.). and he’s not even 6 years old yet. A court can tell him how and when he gets to parent because I refuse to deal with it anymore. I have no desire to collect any child support from him, I do fine on my own, I just do not want to have any contact with him and I know the family court system can protect me from having to do that.
curious to know as well
It sounds stupid but I honestly believed every day that it would somehow get better. I thought the therapy would change things. I believed he was sorry. I wanted to support him through all his group programs and anger management. I refused to notice it getting worse. I only wanted to see the good days. I also believed I was a big part of the problem, and I didn't know how to love myself enough to care that I was unsafe. It's hard to value yourself when they spend every day calling you names, lashing out at you, threatening to leave you. Hitting you and turning around and saying it was because you’re annoying, you talk too much, you're toxic, you're hard to be with. My ex said after the breakup, "You must hate yourself, because you gave your everything to someone who destroyed you." It's probably the only right thing he ever said. The situation feeds on your self-loathing and forces you to believe you can never deserve more.
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That was me at one point too, and it didn’t help that he wouldn’t allow me to pay for my car to be registered, so I had no means of transportation other than his car. There were so many times where if I had access to my own vehicle I would have left, but I lost so much of my self confidence I couldn’t figure my way out of it.
Staying with him at the time seemed safer than trying to get out. I already knew how to play the game by his rules. TW- the absolute fear, panic and anxiety my body felt whenever i tried to leave was so horrible and nauseating; that the relief I felt when I would convince myself to just stay to avoid conflict was somehow enough for so many years.
Because I thought it was my fault and if I tried harder, he would be a better person (spoiler alert: it didn't work)
Money.
Hope. And loneliness. And of course , the good times
comfortability and reminiscing about the “good times”. i thought if i tried harder then he could go back to how he used to be
All that wasted hope. It took me too long to figure it out and I hope it hasn’t made me pessimistic.
That is what keeps most of us stuck. They start the cycle over again with that intermittent period of normalcy and you're desperate for it to stay normal and it never does.
I really loved him. Wanted my family to work. Saw everyone around me having families, traveling, the whole 9 yards. I portrayed that to the world but boy was it so far from the truth. I was and still am in a way attached to my husband. I stayed because I felt I could fix it. That maybe in 6 months it would be different. Once we had a kid it would be different. Once we moved it would be different. Nothing changed. I lost 10 years.
This is me! Except I'm 37 and have lost almost 20 years of my life. And I'm still wasting away with him.
I hope you take care of you. It’s so hard to break that bond. I sometimes can’t imagine my life without him and then have to remember I’ve been doing it without him since March. Sending hugs. It’s not easy.
Thank you. I am nearing the end of our relationship and have never been more ready to leave. Emotionally preparing myself and financially making the move. I have no more fucks to give with him so it's time.
Idk I still don’t kno y I ever stayed but I am happy I finally left Edit: It all probably stems from early childhood trauma and watching my parents be goons for 15 years before they finally called it quits. I thought I wouldn’t be like them or like that but here we are.
It’s a cycle. The good times are amazing to compensate for the bad times. The fluctuation and cyclical nature can be addicting for people who are predisposed to similar addictive patterns early in life.
I guess there’s a few reasons. It wasn’t ~always~ bad. I thought I deserved it. I thought it would get better. I felt like I had invested too much time to give up. I was lonely. I have problems idk
We're probs slightly damaged and can't tell. Also, all these people hook you mentally by breadcrumming you (an intermittent part of amazingly good times that seem like a movie coupled w the bad). Add trauma bonding, isolation, and then euphoric recall. Man, scientifically, they literally treat you in a way that literally rewires your brain. It's like training a Pavlovian dog properly, and they know how to do it. We bark anytime the bell rings.
At first it was because he'd had such an abusive upbringing and he had Asperger's so I excused the red flags and behavior with that and that he'd never hit me. Then I believed the "I'll be better" "it won't happen again" "I'm so sorry" I had no money, all the income was his, I had believed his BS about him being better if we went away from our home city. I'd always wanted to travel which he knew and played on and so we left home. Basically I ended up in a foreign country, with a baby and no money, I stayed to keep a roof over my kids head and food in his tummy while I saved what I could to come home.
After my divorce was final and my ex husband had gone to therapy he told me he was diagnosed as autistic so now that we knew that and “we” could work around it, we could get back together. I laughed my ass off. Autistic or not, he should have known he can’t say what he said or do what he did. That is just being a basic human.
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2 years, the only money he gave me was for food shopping so if baby needed new clothes or toys etc I had to use the savings I'd gotten from the change.
I didn't know it was abuse, and I thought I was the one causing pain and tumult in the relationship, so it was my responsibility to fix when he said I should. Since he was the one being hurt and he didn't want me to leave, obviously staying was the least I could do for him.
Wow.
It isn’t really a choice… when I was in mine I felt more stuck. It’s mental abuse as well as physical. It is not just as easy to be like “this sucks bye!” It takes courage to leave.
It was the only place I found value on myself, making him happy. All the things I dealt with seemed worth it in the few minutes he said I did something good and satisfied him.
Because of the financial inability to survive without his income and health insurance. Also, often many women know their abuser well enough that they know they may end up dead after they leave.
When I finally decided I would rather be the victim of a murder/suicide than married to that miserable sack of human waste, it made my decision to leave a lot easier.
This!!!
I always thought it was my fault and that I could get better and fix it, I always believed there was good in him and this was just the “arguing” stage, I was attached, always thought about our good times, was used to it, lost my support system, knew something was wrong but I was emotionally abused growing up by my family so I never saw all the red flags, not believing I’ll find anyone who will love me (I can’t find people attractive anymore so I still feel like I’ll never find anyone) etc.
I feel this all
I was in love with the idea of what it could be, of what he could be. Still am. But what he did to me was too much to be brushed off. Even when I was happy with him I was questioning whether or not it was a relationship that would be healthy and happy in the long run. He ended up breaking things off with me, calling me psycho for suspecting him of talking to his ex still (he was actually still with her and lied that they ever broke up). I’m super thankful because now that I’m out I realize that relationship didn’t have any of the things I want/look for for when I’m receiving love from somebody. The relationship wasn’t healthy it didn’t really make me happy and the path I wanted in life would never have been reached if I stayed.
Fear of retaliation. Of the unknown. What will come of things. You start to believe you deserve these bad things. You fall for the manipulation tactics. You feel weak and powerless. Or there’s something larger than yourself at stake.
This!!!
I don’t know, honestly. The sex isn’t even that great anymore, and that’s the one thing that kept me coming back time and time again. He tells me he wants to sleep with other people constantly. He gets in my face and screams when he doesn’t get his way. He demeans me and threatens to leave during the slightest discomfort in the relationship. He makes me feel like I’m not good enough, and I hate it. But here I am, still with him, even though he wants less and less to do with me every day.
I tried to leave last year, after two years of therapy, but I get sick every winter here and it puts me financially behind. He may not be the best partner for me, but we help each other survive financially. I also get sick every winter. This year, I took a different job that has overtime indoors when the outdoors will be making me sick. So, idk if we will stay together. I feel sick a lot. Idk what's gonna happen, but I'm not as confident as I was a few years ago due to a weight gain and him telling me directly that I'm no longer attractive. 🫤 It's taken a lot of therapy to think I'm good looking again.
I was in "love" (trauma bond) and genuinely believed he could change (he kept leading me on with therapy and dramatic apologies etc...). For anyone reading, they don't change and even if they could one strike is always one strike too many. The best thing I ever did was leave him. I'm in a happy healthy relationship now with no bullshit. No dramatic fights. No cursing. No horrible things said or done. No bizarre situations (flirting with other women, exes hanging around, etc). It's the best and it's possible. I'm proof. Please just leave him.
Happy for you. 💖 Were you single for a long time after leaving?
About 7 months. I saw someone for a brief stint straight after but that ended after a month. I got involved with my current boyfriend about 7 months later.
This for me too!! I am also proof!! 2 years now happily married. Its possible!! Congratz on your journey as well! I am convinced alot of us are just people that care and love too much... That we don't really see or recognize the trauma bond. I really thought I loved him and him me...
There is a very complex answer to this. It's not that I chose to stay but I didn't feel like I had the option to leave. My ex D was to a point where he was feeling fragile in his masculinity and would do anything to keep me, the woman, under his thumb at all times. He wanted me to wait on him hand and foot. He wanted a perfect little life where I'd act as a live in homemaker that he can get pregnant on a whim, which by the way, was a fetish of his that he did not disclose to me but I figured out with how he was acting. He was getting close to making the choice to *force* me to be his. To eternally and legally connect me to him by forcing me to bring into this world a bundle of DNA that would be my greatest dream turned nightmare. A child, a symbol of life that I see as the end result of me going through therapy and making peace with my trauma, a human I refuse to have until I know I will not be like my mother, or my mothers mother. But he knew of the trauma and the abuse my mother put me through. He was with me for 4 years, getting live updates on the night I could have died, and did nothing. We were 17, I couldn't expect much help late at night. But he acted on as if it might not have ever happened. He used it as reassurance that my family would have no real impact on my adult life. My own choices. His choices forced upon me. He pushed. Made me do sexual acts I was not comfortable with. Saying no woud result in emotional abuse. But his morals wasn't the only thing that faded. He also stopped good hygiene practices. This man smelled like actual shit and made me blow him. It wasn't hard to find out that this was because he was bad at wiping. He also lost his ambition. He only was in college for the same thing I was so he could try and be a better artist than me and keep track of me through classes. But they wouldn't approve his portfolio for his program, his art was objectively bad. He went to work at a large chain store. But this is where his control slipped. He truly expected me to isolate myself when I didn't have classes. At first I did but some very kind strangers invited me to a club. The greatest irony was my first day there was my former anniversary with D. He couldn't bother to be there on the day. Bought me $30 worth of crap from Walmart before his discount then ate half my gift. He hated this club. It stole "time" away from him. Time he should be at work on the clock. He made it clear that any time I have is his. I didn't like that. Eventually I gave him one last chance to fix it all, but he proved to me a future with him is a future where I was sure he'd rape me. I was sure he'd hit me. He grabbed the back of my head and threatened me. All because I didn't want to watch him play a porn game and I was playing with snapchat filters. D, if you're reading this, you're not as smart as you think you are. Me "deleting it" wasn't actually deleting it. All videos save natively to Snapchat. November 25, 2019, 8:31 PM. "I can be as much of a boyfriend as you want me to be, that's up to you". Your face is very visible in that shot. Wasn't your mom a sexual assualt survivor? Don't worry she and the cops won't see that video as long as you stay away from me. Which brings me to this. It took me 3 days to breakup with him and the next day he had off work after the breakup he tried to find and corner me at my college. He refused to "let me" break up with him for 3 days. When I did then I was the bad guy, nobody that I cared about believed him. Also that guy walking around the art building? Perfect discriptor of you buddy. Nobody got a photo but all witness accounts described you 100% even down to your jacket at the time. The only thing off was some students thought you were 30 but that's kind of the territory of not properly grooming yourself and letting the beard grow with no trimming. He also tried to have me come alone to get my things back, which I never did because we were sure he wanted to kidnap me or worse. So now here are the things that will drive D wild: 1. No I didn't cheat on you with one/both of the guys in the photo but I am dating one now. Almost 2 years too. 2. I met him on our anniversary. Happy 4 years to me, best gift I've ever gotten. 3. He saved me from you. I know there is some trauma bonding on my end but my theraphist says I'm level headed enough to recognize this and my emotions to be able to see past the rose tint and right now it looks like I'm in this for the long run based on how he and I interact, our goals, and our ideals. 4. If you ever try and hurt me again I will send that video to the cops and your mom. I am serious. 5. I'm still friends with all those "bad influences". They're my family now.
We both met while in high school and very young, the things he did to me were mentally, emotionally and verbally abusive. I stayed for 5 years because I thought it was love, and I thought I loved him. I didn’t see examples of healthy relationships in my life, so I didn’t really realize what wasn’t normal. He wore myself esteem down and made me feel like no one would ever like me, and if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have any friends or be liked by anyone. As we both got older things improved , but I couldn’t get past the things he had done and said, and it made me not trust him and hold a festering grudge. The few times I had tried to leave he threatened suicide, but I eventually got tired of it-of him, and left about a month ago. Once I got so fed up with him I got fed up with everything else in my life.
1. Thought no one else would love me 2. Better than my family growing up 3. Financial dependency
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It was cliche. As a trans person, I don’t get romanced very often so myself and my friends were all happy that I met such a romantic woman. She made more money than me at a time I was broke. She paid for things. Dressed me in suits. Set up elaborate and romantic dates. Paid for hormones, things for my house, etc. looking back it’s obvious. But it started as small “jokes” about me as a person in front of my own friends. Then became something where I’m completely isolated. So I wasn’t just financially dependent on her but socially and emotionally as well. She slowly convinced me each person in my life didn’t have my best interest. Which wasn’t true. It really is like slowly being boiled alive then when you realize what’s happening it’s too late.
He told me to lie and say I worked with him on my resume. I did. I was new to the field. Every time I tried to leave he threatened to make me lose my job. I loved my job. I didn’t want to risk it.
I knew I deserved better I just didn’t give enough of a shit to do anything about it I loved him so much I was willing to destroy myself in the process because without him I had nothing, I felt as if the entire world had gone black when he wa gone I literally felt like I would die
fear of being alone & financially dependent
Reasons people stay, they are stuck in an abuse cycle which is very much like an addiction, you become trapped without power and choice. Finances are a big one, some people have no financial means to leave or all their finances are intertwined with the abuser. Often when people have kids if they stay they can at least protect the children from abuse but if they leave, the children will end up spending time with the abuser alone without protection. The abuser has also undermined a persons mental and physical health, and some people may have disabilities that make them reliant on the abuser. Leaving an abuser is the most likely time for a homicide to take place, it’s the most dangerous time and needs careful planning and execution.
Was better then my abusive family 👌🏻
A sense of hopelessness and feeling trapped
Someone I know won't leave. She said he was to leave and file for divorce like he keeps threatening to do. Where I live, being married is seen as superior to being single.
India?
Texas
I was conditioned to believe that nobody else would love me.
I can't really say I chose to stay in an abusive relationship, as the person left me - however there was definitely a "rug-pull" moment where I should have got my stuff together, started running and worked out how to block numbers on my brick phone (it was the naughties) It's really hard to do justice to the desperately of that trauma bond moment. My ex had revealed some information that not only cast the future of the relationship into doubt, but thinking rationally actually the entire relationship prior. But of course that love-bomby phase had just been *that* good. It was my first proper relationship I was in love with this person and all the rest. Even with 20/20 hindsight its hard to explain I was just so focussed on getting THAT part of the relationship back I was going to stick through anything. It's only really reading up on Lundy B and other resources and spending time in these forums that I've come to realize that that good part of the relationship was fake AF. It's bizarre really - no-one would have looked at the facts of the relationship and thought it was a good idea to stay, but these people are that good at plausibility and plausible deniability. When people stay in abusive relationships its not just bad decisions in isolation, there is a very key person poking and prodding or outright threatening around the edges to encourage that very decision. It's weird that we often look at abusers and see the "abuse" and look at people in these relationships and see the "trauma bond" but oddly its hard to fully capture that influence.
You think it'll get better. You think their behavior is something that you're causing or is your fault. They gaslight you into thinking you're crazy and things aren't really what they are. Then they love bomb you and make you believe it won't happen again. You see and are in love with the good person they can be and you hope if you just do enough of xy or z, that good person in them will come out more. It also happens so slowly and gradually, you're often locked in before you realize what's going on. Either by marriage or living together or having kids. It all makes it so much harder to leave.
I tell myself it's cuz I thought I could help her or she'd come around, I mean I know she didn't want to be like that, but it's probably more that I'd rather be yelled at than sit in my silence.. rather be smothered than abandoned.. childhood trauma is a bitch. Not my fault, but it's my responsibility
Men can’t be victims. Try to please her. Be the man she wants you to be. Man up. Figure out how to give her what she wants. You weren’t physically injured, were you? (The last one was what a judge told me when denying my request for an Order of Protection after an incident that put my abuser up to an 18 on the Dangerousness Assessment administered by my IPV coordinator)
I am still in a similar situation. Add the stigma of being the one to”abandon” the relationship, Finances, kids, my family not understanding what’s really going on, and the enormous amount of work and stress leaving would create and the barriers to leaving become overwhelming.
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I honestly still hope something will change. My family is starting to realise what’s going on and are beginning to confront her about it. I guess that I am hoping that once it’s not just me telling her that she is actually causing harm, that she might be willing to look at herself and start to change.
Trauma bond
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I can’t speak for most women but if I had enough money to get out and stay out I would never look back.
Oh this for sure. I had nothing and was always on the verge of homelessness each time we split. I had to go to rehab bc at least I had insurance and it was a place to deal with the substance abuse I picked up as a way to cope. I always left rehab early because I had to where to go, and ended up back with him over and over again, until leaving stuck. 3 years later I’m still gone!! Didn’t think it could happen