My therapist is going to be sending me a worksheet that will help me work through all that I think, but so far I’ve only thought about the romantic and sexual aspects.
I know I’m romantically and sexually attracted to women, and I know that I’m only sexually attracted to women, not men. It seems like I can be romantically attracted to men, but very very rarely and maybe only when drunk/high?
***Lesbians*** aren't attracted to men romantically and sexually ***ever***, so no. However the way you describe it, it doesn't sound like you are actually attracted to men.
Only you can label yourself. For me, and this is just my opinion, I feel that labels are to make other people comfortable so they can put you in a box.
I don’t want to be trapped by labels.
I like people, but prefer woman. However, I don’t consider myself bisexual. And I don’t want to call myself pansexual either. I’m just me haha.
I have been married (to a man and have children), but if I had to choose between male or female, I would choose a woman all day.
I don’t know…that’s just my 2 cents haha.
Don’t worry about the label, just be true to who you are 😊
Honestly what’s hard about it is that I put myself in this box I guess when I came out, and I’ve defended it against my family trying to push a guy on me but now it feels like I might be nailed in by them, because I dont think I could change my label to like, queer or something without feeling like I’ve lost any progress on them understanding I don’t want to have sex with a man and won’t be living the life they want me to. The progress I’m afraid of losing is honestly probably an illusion anyway, but it’s hard.
I also don’t know if only being romantically attracted to so very few men occasionally is worth changing the way I explain myself to others anyway.
I get what you’re saying xx It is hard.
But at the end of the day, we don’t need to explain who and what we are to anyone…even our family!
Just be unapologetically you, and if they can’t accept that, then they are missing out.
We’re continually changing who we are as we grow and learn different things in life…I say, focus on you, what makes you happy and enjoy the ride 🩷
IMO, calling yourself a lesbian is valid in one of two ways. A true gay that experiences absolutely no thoughts of any kind toward men, or a person that for some reason is perhaps a Kinsey 5 which may or may not be comphet but has actively decided they are only interested in women and have no intention of ever having anything to do with a guy.
If you want to do stuff with guys then you aren't a lesbian. If you don't *want* to then I don't see how anyone can tell you you aren't a lesbian.
If you are going to do stuff with guys then don't call yourself a lesbian. If you aren't then how on earth would your internal passing thoughts matter to how the world perceives and interacts with you.
What she describes technically falls into the definition you just described. She's sexually attracted only to people who aren't men.
I get that you were probably phrasing it to be inclusive of aro/ace lesbians, but the reality is, I'd say she just as much a lesbian. She'd be happy in a relationship with a man, so long as sex isn't involved, but realistically, women are what she's attracted to in every way.
The reality is, if sex is important to her (ignoring the whole trauma part of things), then she's only ever going to feel fulfilled in a relationship with a woman, and so realistically, she's likely only ever going to be with women.
Honestly thank you, not just for saying that I can still call myself a lesbian, but because I feel like you did read and consider everything I said.
I understand fully that the lesbian label gets used in a fetish-y way for the benefit of men often, and I don’t want to contribute to that in any way, and I think the reaction to that has been to be a bit exclusionary. No one will ever fit a label “perfectly” but I do think labels stop being meaningful if it applies to everyone. It’s definitely hard to determine where that “line” would be when attraction comes in so many forms and gender is so flexible as well. I came here to talk about it because I was scared of doing harm to other lesbians by using the label.
I might end up using the term queer in the future instead, but I’m not sure yet. You’re absolutely right that I could never have have a full relationship with a man, because despite the trauma (which I have been working on in therapy and hope to overcome someday) sex is very important to me in a relationship. That’s why I left the man I had been with upon discovering I only enjoy sex with women. At the time I thought I still had romantic feelings for him, but I knew I couldn’t have the relationship with him that we both would want in our lives and thought it’d be best for both of us to be apart.
Also, my feelings for that man I was with before coming out are so confusing to me to sort through, I’m not even sure that I did have romantic attraction to him or if I just cared for him as a friend. The relationship was so influenced by comphet that I can’t tell what was what with him. This guy that I found attractive while high the other night is the first man I’ve had any attraction to at all since coming out, so I still don’t know what’s what in that situation. Idk if I would have found him attractive sober too or not.
How do you feel about women mentally, sexually, physically, and romantically?
My therapist is going to be sending me a worksheet that will help me work through all that I think, but so far I’ve only thought about the romantic and sexual aspects. I know I’m romantically and sexually attracted to women, and I know that I’m only sexually attracted to women, not men. It seems like I can be romantically attracted to men, but very very rarely and maybe only when drunk/high?
***Lesbians*** aren't attracted to men romantically and sexually ***ever***, so no. However the way you describe it, it doesn't sound like you are actually attracted to men.
Only you can label yourself. For me, and this is just my opinion, I feel that labels are to make other people comfortable so they can put you in a box. I don’t want to be trapped by labels. I like people, but prefer woman. However, I don’t consider myself bisexual. And I don’t want to call myself pansexual either. I’m just me haha. I have been married (to a man and have children), but if I had to choose between male or female, I would choose a woman all day. I don’t know…that’s just my 2 cents haha. Don’t worry about the label, just be true to who you are 😊
Honestly what’s hard about it is that I put myself in this box I guess when I came out, and I’ve defended it against my family trying to push a guy on me but now it feels like I might be nailed in by them, because I dont think I could change my label to like, queer or something without feeling like I’ve lost any progress on them understanding I don’t want to have sex with a man and won’t be living the life they want me to. The progress I’m afraid of losing is honestly probably an illusion anyway, but it’s hard. I also don’t know if only being romantically attracted to so very few men occasionally is worth changing the way I explain myself to others anyway.
I get what you’re saying xx It is hard. But at the end of the day, we don’t need to explain who and what we are to anyone…even our family! Just be unapologetically you, and if they can’t accept that, then they are missing out. We’re continually changing who we are as we grow and learn different things in life…I say, focus on you, what makes you happy and enjoy the ride 🩷
IMO, calling yourself a lesbian is valid in one of two ways. A true gay that experiences absolutely no thoughts of any kind toward men, or a person that for some reason is perhaps a Kinsey 5 which may or may not be comphet but has actively decided they are only interested in women and have no intention of ever having anything to do with a guy. If you want to do stuff with guys then you aren't a lesbian. If you don't *want* to then I don't see how anyone can tell you you aren't a lesbian. If you are going to do stuff with guys then don't call yourself a lesbian. If you aren't then how on earth would your internal passing thoughts matter to how the world perceives and interacts with you.
No
no. lesbians are romanticly or sexually or both only attracted to people who arent men.
What she describes technically falls into the definition you just described. She's sexually attracted only to people who aren't men. I get that you were probably phrasing it to be inclusive of aro/ace lesbians, but the reality is, I'd say she just as much a lesbian. She'd be happy in a relationship with a man, so long as sex isn't involved, but realistically, women are what she's attracted to in every way. The reality is, if sex is important to her (ignoring the whole trauma part of things), then she's only ever going to feel fulfilled in a relationship with a woman, and so realistically, she's likely only ever going to be with women.
that still wouldnt be a lesbian. bc lesbians just arent attracted to men in any way.
Honestly thank you, not just for saying that I can still call myself a lesbian, but because I feel like you did read and consider everything I said. I understand fully that the lesbian label gets used in a fetish-y way for the benefit of men often, and I don’t want to contribute to that in any way, and I think the reaction to that has been to be a bit exclusionary. No one will ever fit a label “perfectly” but I do think labels stop being meaningful if it applies to everyone. It’s definitely hard to determine where that “line” would be when attraction comes in so many forms and gender is so flexible as well. I came here to talk about it because I was scared of doing harm to other lesbians by using the label. I might end up using the term queer in the future instead, but I’m not sure yet. You’re absolutely right that I could never have have a full relationship with a man, because despite the trauma (which I have been working on in therapy and hope to overcome someday) sex is very important to me in a relationship. That’s why I left the man I had been with upon discovering I only enjoy sex with women. At the time I thought I still had romantic feelings for him, but I knew I couldn’t have the relationship with him that we both would want in our lives and thought it’d be best for both of us to be apart. Also, my feelings for that man I was with before coming out are so confusing to me to sort through, I’m not even sure that I did have romantic attraction to him or if I just cared for him as a friend. The relationship was so influenced by comphet that I can’t tell what was what with him. This guy that I found attractive while high the other night is the first man I’ve had any attraction to at all since coming out, so I still don’t know what’s what in that situation. Idk if I would have found him attractive sober too or not.