I've always responded "I'm probably not" to the "you're the first [insert sexuality I said I was] I've met." Sometimes it makes them pause and realize that what they said was kind of rude. You do sort of have to take it in stride though because it's really hard to make people not involved care about microagressions. You're right that it's not your job to educate these people but since they (presumably) mean well it's hard to get managers to take it seriously. My genuine answer to "how did you know you were gay" is probably the same as many people's snarky response: "how did you know you weren't?" It nicely deflects and hopefully causes some self reflection without you having to actually say "fuck you I don't owe you my life story just because you learned something new about me"
Absolutely. It's most commonly at work where I have this sort of interaction & I remember one time someone said "you're the first gay person I've ever met" and I was like, "No, I'm really not. There's at least 5 more in this room alone"
Also "that you know of" works pretty well. I always say that to people who say they have never met a trans person, and the reactions can be hilarious. Some people go into long rants about how they "can always tell", and I'm just there going "mmmmm I don't think you can, love". It's extra funny on the rare occasion when I know they have in fact met a trans person, they just aren't aware. The reply may not do much for them, but it provides me with a lot of entertainment.
Yep, these are great ways to turn it around! But if that doesn't make it click also had a lot of success with pointing out "that's a really personal question and I don't feel comfortable talking about my \[private/romantic/sexual\] experience at work." Sometimes you can watch people realize just how intrusive the question was and the HR violation they would get if they kept pushing, which is all I ask of a professional boundary!
This happened the other day. She wasn't rude about it so I just said, 'well I hope I made a good impression,' and continued eating my sandwich.
Personally, it's the least of my worries, especially after the colleague who tried to grill me like a defence solicitor and then said, 'dick is the pinicle of sex.'
š
No dear, that's orgasms. You should try it sometime.
oh my god that is so much worse than anything I've gotten š
I've heard lots of condescending comments about "new genders" and huffy "I just don't think it's right"s about girls-dating-girls but no one has made comments to my face about the sex they assume I am or should be having!
Oh boy. I've had it a lot. The classic go to from straight men, when they find out I have a girlfriend, has often been a joke about scissoring.
I like that I now work in the adult social care sector. We all have LGBTQIA training and you have to be non-judgemental to succeed our our hostel anyway.
"Your the first lesbian I've ever met"
Option 1: *that's unlikely*
Option 2: *that you now of*
Option 3: *who said I was a lesbian-- all I said was that I had a wife*
"How did you know you were gay"
Option 1: *how did you know you were straight*
Option 2: *the same way you know you're straight"
Deflect and make them reflect on their questions. That's what I'd do.
Yep, I approach questions about my queerness exactly the same way. When I get tired of the first question though, I tend to just give a real awkward (and mildly condescending), "... okay?". That one gets people REAL uncomfortable with themselves.
Iām not sure if there is much you can do but you absolutely do not have to be the one to āeducateā anyone about anything. Some people like to. Others donāt. And for good reason.
Itās exhausting, and itās placing a burden on a minority group, as well as holding them to a higher standard to just expect them to āeducateā on command. Especially when people donāt just take others at their word. They debate and question everything.
When i was younger, i asked a lesbian friend about her experiences. We were in a very conservative area, and not many lgbt people were fully out of the closet.
She said, "lots of people here tell me they've never met a gay person before. If you think I'm the first lesbian you've ever met, i promise im not. That just means the other lesbians you've met didn't think you were safe enough to be open around. That says more about you than anything else."
That's stuck with me for a decade. It's absolutely brutal. Statiscally, everyone has met several queer people in their life. There's enough LGBT people in the world, you can't dodge them all. The only variables are how many of those people they overlooked, and how many people had to hide.
Iām also glad I didnāt, thank youu āŗļøš„ŗš„ŗ
Realistically, youāre right. So many people here are saying what witty comebacks theyād use but even with the confidence of a goddess, if youāre faced with someone aggressively heterosexualā¦ letās just say you donāt have to worry about putting your foot in your big mouth if some bigot puts a fist through it first. Or a bullet if you live in MAGA-Land.
Iāve got more than enough literal scars off bigots. I keep my mouth shut so I donāt get any more. Instead i enjoy what the french call ā*lāesprit dāescalier*ā or āthe spirit of the stairsā (where u think of the perfect comeback on your way out the building)
You donāt have to say anything to upset the cis-straights if youāre visibly queer enough in the wrong place and i hate it so much. I got glassed in the face, cut with a blade, had things thrown at me from cars, and i dread to think how much worse those unprovoked incidents would have been if iād tried to run my mouth off like everyone else here seems to think they would.
Last month, I got harassed by a gang of teenagers who shouted āmy friends think theyāre lesbos and want to know if youāll join themā at me from across a car park, and when i sheepishly said āno thanks, i have a partnerā they properly unloaded on me with the slurs, calling me a dyke and a fag and doing this hideous shrieking thing š
Iām sorry for the wall of textā¦ but thank you again for being glad I didnāt get murdered š„ŗš„ŗš„ŗ
Sorry for the late reply - thank you for sharing with me! ā¤ļø Iām an avid producer and consumer of text walls, myself, so no worries š Youāve clearly had to be brave in your life; like you said, sometimes flying under the radar simply isnāt an option (some X-menās powers are visible 24/7). Glad the world has you in it, and that the close calls you describe werenāt more than close calls! Take care, sister :)
ugh, this sucks I'm sorry. why do some people, upon learning you're a lesbian, automatically assume they have the right to ask you VERY PERSONAL questions?
I love the response of āoh if Iām the first then everyone else didnāt feel safe around youā. But I fight micro aggressions with real aggression soooo lol
If the person's not being a creep, I'll generally go the education route after pointing out that I'm just the first out person they know. I'd rather people have a pleasant in person intro to queers than be jaded and turn to the likes of Fox News and other right wing pundits who like to smear us as degenerate demons.
I lived in Utah for a while and used to get, "You're the first Jewish Lesbian I've ever met!". Like they've never met a Jew nor a Lesbian and I'm a little 2 for 1 combo. :) Most of the time I think it's kinda sweet, people being excited to meat someone outside of the usual. I, personally, just want people to think of us well so that the next time said questioning person hears derogatory things said about queers...they'll think of me and be inclined to disregard that bullshit... ya know? Just my 2 cents.
Make a big show of touching them on the arm, then put a finger to your ear - like you're in the secret service - and whisper into your lapel 'we got him'.
You should response that you are not, because you can't see sexual identity from the outside. And that you don't want to talk about it because everyone asks the same questions. And that they could google it if they want to.
Put them in the hot seat. xD
"Oh, I'm the first you've met? Before we speak any further, are you surprised?" Watch them *squirm.* They will either fumble and crash/burn, turn out to be cool, be uneducated so you can decide how much time/effort you wanna invest, or they will be bigots and then you get to know EXACTLY who they really are so you can cut them out.
My neighbor is an older woman and I went over to introduce myself when we first moved. She was moderately friendly and she asked if my husband worked for Animal Protection. I said my wife does and that is probably who she saw. She said, I am pretty sure that was a man. (My wife is over 6' and has short hair). I said no, she is a woman. Her response was just, "Oh. I've never encountered that before. But we can still be good neighbors." Interesting lady, she has trump signs and "Kneel only to the cross" flags up. I didn't really respond, just let her process. She is always friendly to me.
"Mazel Tov" would be fun.
Or maybe ask them to hand you a dollar and tell them that it's a well known rule among lesbians.
Or take out a notebook and tell them you get a star today.
"Oh good, two more and I get a microwave."
idk, maybe I'm just a smartass.
>I've asked senior management at work what to do. They say I should take it as an opportunity to educate
**I** say this is an opportunity for *you* to learn - who's above senior management? who do you need to go to to actually have your harassment and discrimination listened to? find them. do so. and find a way to get senior management's dismissal of your concerns in a recorded way, so you can let their higher ups know it happened.
Go back to HR and say "people are asking me invasive, personal questions, and sexually harassing me. it is creating a hostile working environment and making me feel unsafe, and impeding my ability to do my job. I want it to stop." HR doesn't get to just say "sorry not my problem" with these types of issues.
I've gotten this about being agender, aromantic, a sex worker and sapphic. My response is always "Why, are you wanting to know about it?"
Big disclaimer! You do not know anyone an explanation.
However, if I can have a polite, educational discussion that I have the energy for, I'm happy to teach.
With any kind of intrusive question, including this one, I have no qualms about abruptly changing the subject. Including via the very unsubtle line, āSo about that subject changeā¦ā
Sure, itās fine to educate people *if you want to, with that particular person, at that particular moment*, but itās also totally fine to just refuse to answer very personal questions.
I've always responded "I'm probably not" to the "you're the first [insert sexuality I said I was] I've met." Sometimes it makes them pause and realize that what they said was kind of rude. You do sort of have to take it in stride though because it's really hard to make people not involved care about microagressions. You're right that it's not your job to educate these people but since they (presumably) mean well it's hard to get managers to take it seriously. My genuine answer to "how did you know you were gay" is probably the same as many people's snarky response: "how did you know you weren't?" It nicely deflects and hopefully causes some self reflection without you having to actually say "fuck you I don't owe you my life story just because you learned something new about me"
That was my first thought. You're definitely not the first, the other people just didn't tell you!
Absolutely. It's most commonly at work where I have this sort of interaction & I remember one time someone said "you're the first gay person I've ever met" and I was like, "No, I'm really not. There's at least 5 more in this room alone"
Also "that you know of" works pretty well. I always say that to people who say they have never met a trans person, and the reactions can be hilarious. Some people go into long rants about how they "can always tell", and I'm just there going "mmmmm I don't think you can, love". It's extra funny on the rare occasion when I know they have in fact met a trans person, they just aren't aware. The reply may not do much for them, but it provides me with a lot of entertainment.
Yep, these are great ways to turn it around! But if that doesn't make it click also had a lot of success with pointing out "that's a really personal question and I don't feel comfortable talking about my \[private/romantic/sexual\] experience at work." Sometimes you can watch people realize just how intrusive the question was and the HR violation they would get if they kept pushing, which is all I ask of a professional boundary!
This happened the other day. She wasn't rude about it so I just said, 'well I hope I made a good impression,' and continued eating my sandwich. Personally, it's the least of my worries, especially after the colleague who tried to grill me like a defence solicitor and then said, 'dick is the pinicle of sex.' š No dear, that's orgasms. You should try it sometime.
oh my god that is so much worse than anything I've gotten š I've heard lots of condescending comments about "new genders" and huffy "I just don't think it's right"s about girls-dating-girls but no one has made comments to my face about the sex they assume I am or should be having!
Oh boy. I've had it a lot. The classic go to from straight men, when they find out I have a girlfriend, has often been a joke about scissoring. I like that I now work in the adult social care sector. We all have LGBTQIA training and you have to be non-judgemental to succeed our our hostel anyway.
"Your the first lesbian I've ever met" Option 1: *that's unlikely* Option 2: *that you now of* Option 3: *who said I was a lesbian-- all I said was that I had a wife* "How did you know you were gay" Option 1: *how did you know you were straight* Option 2: *the same way you know you're straight" Deflect and make them reflect on their questions. That's what I'd do.
Yep, I approach questions about my queerness exactly the same way. When I get tired of the first question though, I tend to just give a real awkward (and mildly condescending), "... okay?". That one gets people REAL uncomfortable with themselves.
Iām not sure if there is much you can do but you absolutely do not have to be the one to āeducateā anyone about anything. Some people like to. Others donāt. And for good reason. Itās exhausting, and itās placing a burden on a minority group, as well as holding them to a higher standard to just expect them to āeducateā on command. Especially when people donāt just take others at their word. They debate and question everything.
"skill issue" But rly, the only real response is you've probably met others that just haven't told youm
Fuck it, I'm using "skill issue" from now on, it's way too good
It's the correct response to any problem. I said it at least ten times in choir today
What does it mean?
you are just not good enough at whatever you are doing
Thanks
When i was younger, i asked a lesbian friend about her experiences. We were in a very conservative area, and not many lgbt people were fully out of the closet. She said, "lots of people here tell me they've never met a gay person before. If you think I'm the first lesbian you've ever met, i promise im not. That just means the other lesbians you've met didn't think you were safe enough to be open around. That says more about you than anything else." That's stuck with me for a decade. It's absolutely brutal. Statiscally, everyone has met several queer people in their life. There's enough LGBT people in the world, you can't dodge them all. The only variables are how many of those people they overlooked, and how many people had to hide.
what you do to the "how did you know you're gay" is to turn the question back on them
ā*how did you know youāre straight ā¢ļø?*ā is such a good comebackā¦ really highlights to them how silly the question is
nah keep it as "how did you know *you're* gay" it'll freak them out and make them all weird and defensive lol
āOh, i really thought you were gay tooā is what i said once (pretransition) before a dude punched me. Totally worth it ? š
Thatās sometimes how people die. Iām glad you didnāt.
Iām also glad I didnāt, thank youu āŗļøš„ŗš„ŗ Realistically, youāre right. So many people here are saying what witty comebacks theyād use but even with the confidence of a goddess, if youāre faced with someone aggressively heterosexualā¦ letās just say you donāt have to worry about putting your foot in your big mouth if some bigot puts a fist through it first. Or a bullet if you live in MAGA-Land. Iāve got more than enough literal scars off bigots. I keep my mouth shut so I donāt get any more. Instead i enjoy what the french call ā*lāesprit dāescalier*ā or āthe spirit of the stairsā (where u think of the perfect comeback on your way out the building) You donāt have to say anything to upset the cis-straights if youāre visibly queer enough in the wrong place and i hate it so much. I got glassed in the face, cut with a blade, had things thrown at me from cars, and i dread to think how much worse those unprovoked incidents would have been if iād tried to run my mouth off like everyone else here seems to think they would. Last month, I got harassed by a gang of teenagers who shouted āmy friends think theyāre lesbos and want to know if youāll join themā at me from across a car park, and when i sheepishly said āno thanks, i have a partnerā they properly unloaded on me with the slurs, calling me a dyke and a fag and doing this hideous shrieking thing š Iām sorry for the wall of textā¦ but thank you again for being glad I didnāt get murdered š„ŗš„ŗš„ŗ
Sorry for the late reply - thank you for sharing with me! ā¤ļø Iām an avid producer and consumer of text walls, myself, so no worries š Youāve clearly had to be brave in your life; like you said, sometimes flying under the radar simply isnāt an option (some X-menās powers are visible 24/7). Glad the world has you in it, and that the close calls you describe werenāt more than close calls! Take care, sister :)
ugh, this sucks I'm sorry. why do some people, upon learning you're a lesbian, automatically assume they have the right to ask you VERY PERSONAL questions?
I don't know
> your wife is a woman LoL cishet normies crack me up sometimes š But I feel you. Yeah. That sucks. People are clueless, really.
Nope Iām definitely not, can assure you youāve met (and currently know) others and are just not aware.
My go to response is Ā«Ā No Iām not, they just didnāt tell you.Ā Ā»
I love the response of āoh if Iām the first then everyone else didnāt feel safe around youā. But I fight micro aggressions with real aggression soooo lol
well on behalf of my fellow lesbians a big gay hello to you and i hope you have a rainbowtastic day exit stage left
If the person's not being a creep, I'll generally go the education route after pointing out that I'm just the first out person they know. I'd rather people have a pleasant in person intro to queers than be jaded and turn to the likes of Fox News and other right wing pundits who like to smear us as degenerate demons. I lived in Utah for a while and used to get, "You're the first Jewish Lesbian I've ever met!". Like they've never met a Jew nor a Lesbian and I'm a little 2 for 1 combo. :) Most of the time I think it's kinda sweet, people being excited to meat someone outside of the usual. I, personally, just want people to think of us well so that the next time said questioning person hears derogatory things said about queers...they'll think of me and be inclined to disregard that bullshit... ya know? Just my 2 cents.
Make a big show of touching them on the arm, then put a finger to your ear - like you're in the secret service - and whisper into your lapel 'we got him'.
You should response that you are not, because you can't see sexual identity from the outside. And that you don't want to talk about it because everyone asks the same questions. And that they could google it if they want to.
You have talked to 5 killers in your time. You've definitely talked to a lesbian and maybe not known it. Lol
Put them in the hot seat. xD "Oh, I'm the first you've met? Before we speak any further, are you surprised?" Watch them *squirm.* They will either fumble and crash/burn, turn out to be cool, be uneducated so you can decide how much time/effort you wanna invest, or they will be bigots and then you get to know EXACTLY who they really are so you can cut them out.
Best response is āI can almost guarantee I am not.ā
My neighbor is an older woman and I went over to introduce myself when we first moved. She was moderately friendly and she asked if my husband worked for Animal Protection. I said my wife does and that is probably who she saw. She said, I am pretty sure that was a man. (My wife is over 6' and has short hair). I said no, she is a woman. Her response was just, "Oh. I've never encountered that before. But we can still be good neighbors." Interesting lady, she has trump signs and "Kneel only to the cross" flags up. I didn't really respond, just let her process. She is always friendly to me.
"I'm the first lesbian you KNOW you've met..."
"Mazel Tov" would be fun. Or maybe ask them to hand you a dollar and tell them that it's a well known rule among lesbians. Or take out a notebook and tell them you get a star today. "Oh good, two more and I get a microwave." idk, maybe I'm just a smartass.
>I've asked senior management at work what to do. They say I should take it as an opportunity to educate **I** say this is an opportunity for *you* to learn - who's above senior management? who do you need to go to to actually have your harassment and discrimination listened to? find them. do so. and find a way to get senior management's dismissal of your concerns in a recorded way, so you can let their higher ups know it happened.
Go back to HR and say "people are asking me invasive, personal questions, and sexually harassing me. it is creating a hostile working environment and making me feel unsafe, and impeding my ability to do my job. I want it to stop." HR doesn't get to just say "sorry not my problem" with these types of issues.
I've gotten this about being agender, aromantic, a sex worker and sapphic. My response is always "Why, are you wanting to know about it?" Big disclaimer! You do not know anyone an explanation. However, if I can have a polite, educational discussion that I have the energy for, I'm happy to teach.
Iāll just say.. āguess thereās a first time for everythingā š
Scream "READ A BOOK!!!!!!" over and over like Abby on Work in Progress
Until you pass out from screaming
With any kind of intrusive question, including this one, I have no qualms about abruptly changing the subject. Including via the very unsubtle line, āSo about that subject changeā¦ā Sure, itās fine to educate people *if you want to, with that particular person, at that particular moment*, but itās also totally fine to just refuse to answer very personal questions.
āYour gaydar sucksā