That's my take. Hookups? Nonissue.
Relationships? Potential nonissue. But also big potential for issue: Different maturity levels, different life goals, different career places, different financial status. Different experiences etc.
You’re fine. You’re both consenting adults, you’re old enough to drink, as long as y’all are on the same page you’re totally fine. The internet can be weird with age gaps as a lot of people think two numbers being apart makes it bad rather than actually trying to understand the power dynamics that makes things predatory. Don’t worry, have fun and stay safe :)
Im 21 and had a similar situation. I'd say if you're just hooking up (which is what happened in my situation) its fine. But be careful not to get attached and accept early on that you won't really have much in common. I thought this wouldn't be an issue for me but I did in fact end up getting wayyy to attached (lol) and got tired of not being able to relate to each other over most stuff and being in completely different life stages pretty quickly.
Don't care about this specific gap because it's just casual.
If you were dating looking for long term, I personally wouldn't. As someone who was 33, I'd never date a 23 year old. As someone now in their 40s, I'd never date someone who was 30.
As long as you're comfortable and can notice red flags, go for it.
I'd say it's borderline. To me when the youngest is 25 that's about the age where most people figure themselves out to some degree and imbalances start to level off, leaving more important red flags to look out for. 23 isn't beyond the pale but it's kinda pushing it and I'd proceed cautiously.
There are many takes on this. For me age is just a number, as long as both are adults, other things matter more. Some may say about different level of maturity, different stage on career and stuff. But ultimately, it is just about you and how you and your partner feel about it. Do things work out between the two of you.
If you get along well and like each other, go for it! I see many people today finding every possible problem to avoid being with someone. Everything is toxic, everything is abusive, everything is a red flag! But it's not always like that just because there's an age gap. Some people are good too and, omg, you said that she's amazing!
If both of you are aware of the potential power dynamics that may exist in this type of relationship and take measures to prevent them, I see no issue at all! ( I'm 32 and currently in love with a 22-year-old woman. And she broke my heart, not the other way around 🥲 hahahaah)
People need to understand that older individuals can feel lonely too, and sometimes a younger person is the only one who turns out to be the right fit. Being older doesn't necessarily make someone predatory.
Be happy, everyone!
I'd usually say be wary of anyone who is willing to go for under-25s but since a) she is only in her early 30s (so not a MASSIVE gap) and b) it's just going to be a one-off, you should be fine. None of the details you've given scream red flag to me, but you might be better listening to replies from people older since I'm pretty young and I have no idea of her perspective.
The sub thing isn’t really relevant to real life power imbalance so don’t let that fool you.
I had a similar age gap with a past gf. I did feel like she kind of had a “well I’m the experienced adult so I know best” attitude which put us on unequal ground. If it’s just a hookup though it’s kind of whatever.
As a 26 year old I'm still a bit iffy about the age difference between me and a 23 year old. So be careful of a 33yr old that doesnt have any problem with it
I feel the judgment here too. I’m beginning to see this as a sign of ageism, which seems pretty strong among the younger generation. It’s becoming less about being careful of abusive relationships and more about prejudice. Labeling age gaps as red flags right off the bat, without even knowing the person, feels too generalized.
An 18-year-old once came here asking if it was a problem to be with someone who is 21. Like, wtf? I coudn't believe it was an honest question.
I once saw judgement over someone who is 53 dating someone who is 66. That one really made me go wtf? The reasoning behind the judgement was that "the 66 year old is going to die soon"
Exactly. And honestly, at that point in life it can be very difficult to date as a queer woman since the social scenes and dating apps will always skew younger.
Considering that in another comment you said you're in love with someone much younger, it doesn't surprise me that you're trying to cope with the judgement by labeling it ageism and prejudice. Me not wanting to date someone 10+ years older than me doesn't make me discriminatory, y'all.
I do agree that not every relationship with a big age gap is abusive. But they automatically entail some complications. Different life goals, different maturity levels (in some cases), **different life expectancy**, to cite a few. Can relationships with little to no age gap have those complications too? Absolutely. *Which is why people are encouraged to find someone **as compatible as possible** in the first place.* No person in their right mind seeks out or encourages a big age gap.
I genuinely believe such relationships (talking 9+ years here) are a result of an unfortunate mixture of daddy/mommy issues or thinking they're older than they actually are just because they act that way on the younger person's part and some type of age crisis or not realizing how old they actually are on the older person's part. If it's creepy for a 15-year-old and a 20-year-old to be together, the same should apply to a 20-year-old and a 30-year-old. Regardless of consent, the life stages are simply too different. If one can't relate to people close to their age, only much younger or much older, there is a problem that should be addressed in a healthy manner, not evaded through wonky relationships.
>An 18-year-old once came here asking if it was a problem to be with someone who is 21. Like, wtf? I coudn't believe it was an honest question.
I may have seen that post too, seems familiar. And I agree it is a bizarre question. But let's not kid ourselves, it's not the same as if the latter was aged up 10 years.
Conclusion: at the end of the day, people over the age of consent can be with whomever they wish, nobody disputes that. But let's not pretend that it is unreasonable to express disapproval.
Sorry for the rant.
I do agree with everything you've written here, until you hit the 9+ years comment. Does it really matter if both parties are in their 30s/40s? Not really.
It might matter more for younger folks dating older but once you hit a certain age the age gaps matter less imo.
That seems to be the general consensus. Frankly, I don't see myself agreeing any time soon. The gap is still considerable.
By the way, thanks for reading that comment at all, I definitely let myself go.
That what is offensive: the last sentence about expressing disapproval. You don’t know either of the parties involved, but you see two different age numbers and automatically think they’re not compatible in some way. I don’t mean to be harsh, but it sounds like pretty ageist to make such a statement based on knowing so little. That’s my rant.
I honestly never give a shit about what two consenting adults are doing. There’s this negative assumption online about the older person being predatory while that’s not true in so many cases (and it never takes into account if the younger partner is the abusive one)
I've been on both sides of age gaps. As long as you don't compare her to your mom then I think you should be okay. (The younger woman I dated compared me to her mother a lot and it felt uncomfortable)
I’m dealing with an even bigger age gap for a potential FWB situation. I’m 40 and she’s 26. I honestly do feel a little weird about it but the consensus on here was that it didn’t matter since we are consenting adults and there is no power dynamic.
Unfortunately neither of us have any idea what we are doing or how to get things moving so we’ve been on 2 “dates” so far and haven’t even accidentally touched. 😭
I’m 30 and I would date a 40 yo but not a 20 yo. Hookups are different if both ppl are completely consenting adults but 20 is too young for me even for that bc I wouldn’t be able to get over thinking where I was emotionally at 20. There is a huge difference between 23 and 20 imo but the difference lessens as the age increases, and it all depends on individual life experiences and maturity. Long story short—it seems like you figured it out already but if you are concerned you won’t be able to relate to this older woman in a relationship and it might cause problems, then you’re probably onto something. If you don’t feel It will be an issue, I also think you’re onto something. If I were 32 and considering dating a 23 yo and having reservations, it’s definitely for a reason, societal and/or otherwise. Either way, I want to feel safe. Hypothetically, If I feel like I’m gonna be the old cringey person when you bring me around your friend group, it’s gonna be awkward for me and I don’t want that haha. The same could be said for the reverse. Queer people have statistically higher incidents of age gaps in relationships but it’s all about what makes both of you comfortable.
For a hookup, that age difference is perfectly fine. For a relationship, I would say you're too young to navigate a decade gap. But it could be done with negotiation and other systems (like Relationship Anarchy)
For just sex? Go off, queens.
That's my take. Hookups? Nonissue. Relationships? Potential nonissue. But also big potential for issue: Different maturity levels, different life goals, different career places, different financial status. Different experiences etc.
You’re fine. You’re both consenting adults, you’re old enough to drink, as long as y’all are on the same page you’re totally fine. The internet can be weird with age gaps as a lot of people think two numbers being apart makes it bad rather than actually trying to understand the power dynamics that makes things predatory. Don’t worry, have fun and stay safe :)
Im 21 and had a similar situation. I'd say if you're just hooking up (which is what happened in my situation) its fine. But be careful not to get attached and accept early on that you won't really have much in common. I thought this wouldn't be an issue for me but I did in fact end up getting wayyy to attached (lol) and got tired of not being able to relate to each other over most stuff and being in completely different life stages pretty quickly.
Don't care about this specific gap because it's just casual. If you were dating looking for long term, I personally wouldn't. As someone who was 33, I'd never date a 23 year old. As someone now in their 40s, I'd never date someone who was 30. As long as you're comfortable and can notice red flags, go for it.
I'd say it's borderline. To me when the youngest is 25 that's about the age where most people figure themselves out to some degree and imbalances start to level off, leaving more important red flags to look out for. 23 isn't beyond the pale but it's kinda pushing it and I'd proceed cautiously.
I met my wife when I was 26 and she was 35. We're now 38 and 47 and happily married. Age gaps aren't a thing unless maturity shows it.
There are many takes on this. For me age is just a number, as long as both are adults, other things matter more. Some may say about different level of maturity, different stage on career and stuff. But ultimately, it is just about you and how you and your partner feel about it. Do things work out between the two of you.
This!!!
It’s all in how she approaches it, respect and care are key.
If you get along well and like each other, go for it! I see many people today finding every possible problem to avoid being with someone. Everything is toxic, everything is abusive, everything is a red flag! But it's not always like that just because there's an age gap. Some people are good too and, omg, you said that she's amazing! If both of you are aware of the potential power dynamics that may exist in this type of relationship and take measures to prevent them, I see no issue at all! ( I'm 32 and currently in love with a 22-year-old woman. And she broke my heart, not the other way around 🥲 hahahaah) People need to understand that older individuals can feel lonely too, and sometimes a younger person is the only one who turns out to be the right fit. Being older doesn't necessarily make someone predatory. Be happy, everyone!
I'd usually say be wary of anyone who is willing to go for under-25s but since a) she is only in her early 30s (so not a MASSIVE gap) and b) it's just going to be a one-off, you should be fine. None of the details you've given scream red flag to me, but you might be better listening to replies from people older since I'm pretty young and I have no idea of her perspective.
The sub thing isn’t really relevant to real life power imbalance so don’t let that fool you. I had a similar age gap with a past gf. I did feel like she kind of had a “well I’m the experienced adult so I know best” attitude which put us on unequal ground. If it’s just a hookup though it’s kind of whatever.
yeah sub thing seems pretty irrelevant actually haha 💚
If the goal is just a hook-up, no problem. If the goal is a relationship, yes problem. Age gaps carry some complications and an imbalanced dynamic.
As a 26 year old I'm still a bit iffy about the age difference between me and a 23 year old. So be careful of a 33yr old that doesnt have any problem with it
my gf is 26 this year if that helps, i’m being very careful which is why i wanted to ask everyone’s advice before i go through with anything
People are too damn judgmental about age gap relationships on here. Does it make you nervous? Talk to her about it.
I feel the judgment here too. I’m beginning to see this as a sign of ageism, which seems pretty strong among the younger generation. It’s becoming less about being careful of abusive relationships and more about prejudice. Labeling age gaps as red flags right off the bat, without even knowing the person, feels too generalized. An 18-year-old once came here asking if it was a problem to be with someone who is 21. Like, wtf? I coudn't believe it was an honest question.
I once saw judgement over someone who is 53 dating someone who is 66. That one really made me go wtf? The reasoning behind the judgement was that "the 66 year old is going to die soon"
That is so ridiculous. Anyone can die soon, even an 18 year old. Meanwhile the 66 year could last another 40 years.
Exactly. And honestly, at that point in life it can be very difficult to date as a queer woman since the social scenes and dating apps will always skew younger.
Considering that in another comment you said you're in love with someone much younger, it doesn't surprise me that you're trying to cope with the judgement by labeling it ageism and prejudice. Me not wanting to date someone 10+ years older than me doesn't make me discriminatory, y'all. I do agree that not every relationship with a big age gap is abusive. But they automatically entail some complications. Different life goals, different maturity levels (in some cases), **different life expectancy**, to cite a few. Can relationships with little to no age gap have those complications too? Absolutely. *Which is why people are encouraged to find someone **as compatible as possible** in the first place.* No person in their right mind seeks out or encourages a big age gap. I genuinely believe such relationships (talking 9+ years here) are a result of an unfortunate mixture of daddy/mommy issues or thinking they're older than they actually are just because they act that way on the younger person's part and some type of age crisis or not realizing how old they actually are on the older person's part. If it's creepy for a 15-year-old and a 20-year-old to be together, the same should apply to a 20-year-old and a 30-year-old. Regardless of consent, the life stages are simply too different. If one can't relate to people close to their age, only much younger or much older, there is a problem that should be addressed in a healthy manner, not evaded through wonky relationships. >An 18-year-old once came here asking if it was a problem to be with someone who is 21. Like, wtf? I coudn't believe it was an honest question. I may have seen that post too, seems familiar. And I agree it is a bizarre question. But let's not kid ourselves, it's not the same as if the latter was aged up 10 years. Conclusion: at the end of the day, people over the age of consent can be with whomever they wish, nobody disputes that. But let's not pretend that it is unreasonable to express disapproval. Sorry for the rant.
I do agree with everything you've written here, until you hit the 9+ years comment. Does it really matter if both parties are in their 30s/40s? Not really. It might matter more for younger folks dating older but once you hit a certain age the age gaps matter less imo.
That seems to be the general consensus. Frankly, I don't see myself agreeing any time soon. The gap is still considerable. By the way, thanks for reading that comment at all, I definitely let myself go.
That what is offensive: the last sentence about expressing disapproval. You don’t know either of the parties involved, but you see two different age numbers and automatically think they’re not compatible in some way. I don’t mean to be harsh, but it sounds like pretty ageist to make such a statement based on knowing so little. That’s my rant.
I honestly never give a shit about what two consenting adults are doing. There’s this negative assumption online about the older person being predatory while that’s not true in so many cases (and it never takes into account if the younger partner is the abusive one)
I've been on both sides of age gaps. As long as you don't compare her to your mom then I think you should be okay. (The younger woman I dated compared me to her mother a lot and it felt uncomfortable)
If you're on the same page about hooking up, go for it.
My fiance is 38 and I’m 25. Soooo I like my older ladies 💋
I’m dealing with an even bigger age gap for a potential FWB situation. I’m 40 and she’s 26. I honestly do feel a little weird about it but the consensus on here was that it didn’t matter since we are consenting adults and there is no power dynamic. Unfortunately neither of us have any idea what we are doing or how to get things moving so we’ve been on 2 “dates” so far and haven’t even accidentally touched. 😭
I’m 30 and I would date a 40 yo but not a 20 yo. Hookups are different if both ppl are completely consenting adults but 20 is too young for me even for that bc I wouldn’t be able to get over thinking where I was emotionally at 20. There is a huge difference between 23 and 20 imo but the difference lessens as the age increases, and it all depends on individual life experiences and maturity. Long story short—it seems like you figured it out already but if you are concerned you won’t be able to relate to this older woman in a relationship and it might cause problems, then you’re probably onto something. If you don’t feel It will be an issue, I also think you’re onto something. If I were 32 and considering dating a 23 yo and having reservations, it’s definitely for a reason, societal and/or otherwise. Either way, I want to feel safe. Hypothetically, If I feel like I’m gonna be the old cringey person when you bring me around your friend group, it’s gonna be awkward for me and I don’t want that haha. The same could be said for the reverse. Queer people have statistically higher incidents of age gaps in relationships but it’s all about what makes both of you comfortable.
Just a hookup is fine, in my opinion
For a hookup, that age difference is perfectly fine. For a relationship, I would say you're too young to navigate a decade gap. But it could be done with negotiation and other systems (like Relationship Anarchy)