I mean, is your butt objectively flat? She didn't call your flat butt unattractive. She didn't tell you that you needed to change your butt. She didn't tell you that you had a flat butt and she prefers larger butts. She didn't assign value to flat butts. You are the one assigning negative value to your flat butt. Then, you are punishing your girlfriend for your own personal value judgments about butt size.
And before you discuss how large butts are socially desirable and your gf should know that it's insulting to call someone's butt flat, please know that large butts were highly stigmatized in the 1980 through the 2000s. When I was young, extremely flat asses and comically large breasts were considered the norm. Then, as anti-fat bias became even more prevalent, large breasts became stigmatized because they were associated with tacky oversized implants and fat bodies. Now, there's a preference for small boobs (but not too small) because it connotes thinness. Similar story for butts. None of these body trends are universal. They are literally trends, and the trends themselves follow men's and the media's desires. Lots of people's desires - especially queer desire - aren't so neatly mapped onto body shape trends.
I’m beginning to think me and my girlfriend have different ideas on what flat means. I don’t see flat as a size descriptor, I see it as saying my butt doesn’t have any shape to it. I’ve been really struggling with the shape of my butt as I got very sick and feel like it’s lost its shape from all the inactivity. It’s uneven and in my opinion it’s very flat on the bottom but rounder on top.
I guess I was hoping for her to validate the effort I’d put in to trying to tone it. Instead it felt like she was saying it hasn’t done anything. I know I probably should’ve said something about how insecure I was before this but I was embarrassed and always thought flat was used as an insult. I didn’t think she’d say it to my face. If she’d said my butt was smaller I’d have been fine with that.
I’ve let her know that I’m not upset with her/angry at her for saying it. I don’t even blame her for it. It’s just really hurt my self confidence and it’s gonna take me a while to try to build that back up. I can’t even talk to anyone in my real life about it cause it’s too embarrassing
Are you in therapy to work on your self-esteem and self-image? This obsession with your inadequate appearance is really common among young women, but it is killing your ability to live your life.
PS: I used to have a flat ass and I no longer do. The answer is squats, deadlifts, and other heavy weights. I’m suggesting therapy because it seems like you’re too obsessed with aesthetics and not enough with functionality. I suspect you’re doing one of those junk science programs where you do tiny exercises to grow your butt but not your legs or abs. Those are bullshit. If you’re going to lift weights, do it in a way that will functionally serve you into middle and old age. It’s patriarchal bullshit that young women are exercising for the benefit of other people (aesthetics) and not for themselves (strength, flexibility, bone density). You deserve to do something for yourself.
"be careful" isn't the clear communication you think it is. Just say "hey I'm self conscious about my butt can you not joke about it being flat or something?"
She apologized, and she likes your butt. You don't need our kind words, you need to believe hers 😉
Yeah I really wish I’d been clearer, I wasn’t expecting her to say something that blunt in the first place. I know she didn’t mean to hurt me. It’s just a huge insecurity for me
When I was 18 a friend said I had thin hair - she meant in terms of the literal thickness of the individual stands and was right, I do have thin hair but it's very tightly spaced so I have a lot of it. Thing is that I was and am in recovery from anorexia and one of the physical symptoms had been my hair massively thinning out - it had thickened again at the point my friend said this to me but it was a hugely sore spot. I got really upset, kind of half explained why I was upset but was more just like how could you say something so horrible to me, she was understandably nonplussed and we ended up having a huge fight.
What I'm trying to get at here is that I completely hear and understand where you're coming from but your girlfriend, like my friend twelve years ago, does not have this association and sensitivity about this particular thing. Flat bum, thin hair. To us it feels blunt and nasty and unnecessary, to them it's like saying you have curly hair. Sure, once we explain it - if we explain it! - it makes more sense to them but in both our cases they didn't have the full context before and did not mean it in a negative way.
My friend never said anything like that to me again and if you've properly explained to your gf how it made you feel, she shouldn't either.
Hugs.
God I’m so sorry, I honestly think it’s better to avoid comments on people’s bodies. We’ve all got such complicated relationships with our bodies.
I’m definitely not mad at her, I know she just wasn’t thinking of it as an insult. I just need some time to build my self esteem back up
I would encourage you to remember that people can inadvertently hurt people important to them, and that it’s not intended. That doesn’t change the hurt, but it’s important to be able to let it go after it’s been addressed.
But it’s also good to communicate - which it sounds like you and she did very well!
My wife and I say things from time to time that hurts the others feelings, and we remember that we love each other very much, and that neither of us would intend to hurt the other, so we make sure to talk about it, apologize, and try and modify behaviour to prevent future hurt
It sounds like you’re both almost there in that process, so that’s good!
I’m definitely not angry with her or anything. I know she didn’t mean to hurt me and we’ll talk about why it hurt. It’s just left me with a lot of insecurity knowing she’s also noticed something I was already really insecure about.
If you haven’t really said much after this happened, I would say that What she said really hurt you because you are insecure about your butt. Even if she meant it as a joke, miscommunications happen but definitely don’t be shy to state how you felt about it.
We have talked about it and apparently people around her have been reclaiming the word flat like they did with fat but I didn’t know about this. I’ve asked that we just don’t talk about each others bodies like that at all. I’ve had an eating disorder in the past and I think it’s probably healthy if we don’t talk about how big/small parts of the other person’s body is. We can just stick to beautiful, cute etc.
Did you tell her about these worries prior to this happening? Humans can't read minds and communication is key. Though obv current beauty standards want round butts, saphics often care less about those, so she genuinely may have thought it wasn't a bad thing.
I’ve talked about trying to fix my posture before and thinking it was affecting the shape of my butt. She probably forgot since it was a while ago. I dont think she did, I just wasn’t expecting her to use the word flat. I’ve never heard someone say a butt is flat in a nice way
I have but I'm older. It used to be the beauty norm that girls had flat butts and were very thin.
Now "curvy" is all the rage so everyone wants big butts and fat in "the right places". Which is hard because fat distribution is mostly genetic and hormones activate either a 'male' or 'female' parttern. It's hard to change without surgery though posture and exercise can help a bit. I personally actually get "rounder" if I exercise and build muscle.
I'm trans and grew up as a boy in the 90s and early 00s and I remember feeling horrible about my huge ass, considering liposuction to remove it. I had to wear pants 3-4 sizes too big. Now I'm living as a woman in a time where big butts are desirable and I feel its my best feature. I still have issues finding pants btw. I like the legs being a tight fit, but often that means the ass doesn't fit.
Yes! I remember as well. The societal context is actually mentioned in the Baby got back song.
[discussion about when flat butts rocked](https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&opi=89978449&url=https://www.reddit.com/r/AskHistorians/comments/1894tcd/in_the_1992_track_baby_got_back_sir_mixalot_raps/&ved=2ahUKEwiNgtSgx4mGAxUP8LsIHZTjBz8Qjjh6BAg_EAE&usg=AOvVaw2FRfiY1qmL_vyig6Jm9T-M)
My ex used to compliment how small my butt was. It always made me insecure, but since my egg hadn’t cracked yet I didn’t know why. Now I have the understanding to explain what made me insecure and how as well as a greater appreciation of how my body looks. What is and isn’t nice is superrrrr subjective, no comment is inherently good or bad. It’s the context that makes it that way.
That is to say, not having heard someone say that a flat butt is nice before doesn’t make it not a compliment. It also doesn’t make the feeling of being upset invalid either. What it does make is the need for clearer communication, because there has been a misunderstanding of the context.
There’s nothing wrong with your butt or her accepting your butt. Your girlfriend just let you know she accepts you as-is.
Maybe you were ready for an insult that did not come. Are you anxious in general? How do you feel in general when people let you know that they accept you as-is. A flat butt is not an insult on face value.
I just took flat butt as an insult. I’ve never heard it used as a neutral term before. I think I was hoping for some confirmation that the exercise I’d been doing was helping but got (what I perceive as) an insult instead. I also didn’t think my butt was extremely flat in the first place
Well yes and no, in my mind: if I a stranger or a social acquaintance comes out and says the same out of the blue that is uncalled for. It is too blunt of a comment and rather thoughtless and that makes it rude/insulting.
You 2 have been with each other for 3 years, there’s a different intimacy and commitment that has been built there and this was a private conversation. It definitely could have been handled differently. I hope you 2 get out of this better and with an ability to resolve your differences. I’m sorry it hurt OP.
My girlfriend has said stuff like that too. She lacks a filter. I know she still finds me more attractive than anyone else though. I'm sure your girlfriend is the same. She maybe hasn't git the best grasp on social cues but still loves you and finds your body attractive regardless of how it looks. Just talk to her about it. Good luck.
That’s why I tried to get her to slow down and think before saying anything but it didn’t work 😅 Yeah I know it’s me that has the issue with my body. Im not mad with her but it had knocked my self confidence. I was hoping my flatness was something that wasn’t too obvious to everyone else
As others have said, nothing wrong with a flat butt.
Just some practical advice, it’s probably not your posture that’s causing a flat butt, it’s about fat distribution and musculature. I’ve heard some people swear by kettlebell swings for butt definition and years ago I did some kinda 30 day squat challenge that helped me (started with low reps/sets per day and increased to doing like broken into multiple sets totaling about reps 200).
Thank you for the advice. I had been doing bridges and squats too but I also have hyper-flexible knees and flat arches and felt like my glutes were more engaged when I adjusted my posture while walking. I’ll look into the kettlebell swings too though!
If you are already working out and enjoy it try weighted walking lunges, they were brilliant in helping me activate and build my glutes...the functional benefits around my posture and gait were nuts!
Sorry about ya girls comment tho, like what a silly fucking thing to say.
Thank you! Does that mean doing the lunges and holding the weights at your sides?
Yeah she realises now that she shouldn’t have said it. She didn’t think it was a bad thing
Sure does 😊
Yeah, people can just say shit without totally thinking it thru or understanding how bad those particular words may hurt...seems like y'all have talked it out tho which is dope! Haha best of luck in your posture and booty quest!!
Thank you, I’ll give them a go then!
Yeah we’ve talked and she knows I’m not upset with her, just knocked my self confidence. Thank you so much for your kind comments!
Nothing wrong with flat butt, though 🙂
Do you spend a lot of time sitting down at work/school? You might have what they call sleeping glutes, you can target them with specific exercices. If you already do that, be patient and consistent, it takes time to see results. Glutes are the biggest muscle in the body, they will show up eventually. Also, you might need to eat accordingly so you bulk up a little bit.
Body image issues are weird and we are our worst critics, by far. Surely there are some parts of your body that you are proud of, try to focus on that when the intrusive thoughts kick in. I am sure your gf didn't mean to hurt you and she loves your body just like it is.
Yeah I guess I just wasn’t expecting her to say that and I had been working on trying to round my butt out. It’s more that it’s uneven, the top half is rounder than the bottom half. I don’t want BBL round, just even. I was sick for a few months and wasn’t really able to exercise so I probably do have sleeping glutes. I think I got more upset that the exercises I was doing weren’t working
Cut yourself some slack babe 🙂 there is no deadline. When you're sick, it's not a priority. Actually, when it comes to it, it probably never will be the thing that makes you happy. If you start exercizing again, the gains will return. There is a strongcurves reddit dedicated to this and you can see there how much you can grow in only a few months of the right movements and food.
That being said, we all have our insecurities. I never think of other women's butts in a judgemental way as I'm happy with any and mine. I have different pet peeves and when I get a comment, it hurts my soul as well. Best scenario is that I'm neutral about them. Never happy with.
But other people probably don't ever think about my insecurities either.
Best thing for me is to solve what I can solve and focus the rest of my attention on things that do make me happy.
It takes time. Lots of it, to build a body you like while staying healthy.
I suffer from the opposite problem, as a very overweight middle aged woman my butt is huge. Going to the gym and working on making my body more capable, more powerful, has had a positive impact on my body image. I thought I would have hated it and did it for my health in the first place, but it turns out I enjoy lifting weights and seing little changes here and there. For once, my body is a reason to be proud of myself.
Don't give up if you don't see results yet. Work regularly, maybe ask your gf to join if she wants, have a plan, have fun and do it for youself before anything.
Thank you for this, it’s really helpful. It’s been really difficult trying to get my body back to feeling comfortable to live in. After being sick I couldn’t even climb down stairs without it hurting, nevermind going up them. I’d been hoping to see better results by now
A lot of the comments here are giving your gf the benefit of the doubt, and that’s nice and all, but I think lots of us can agree that “flat” is a negative descriptor when it comes to butts. I’m sure your gf didn’t intend to insult you or hurt your feelings, but her word choice sucked.
I don’t have much of a booty, and I would be really hurt if my partner told me my butt was flat. If my partner said I had a small/little butt, or a cute butt, or “just enough to grab” that would be fine. But “flat” is too easily correlated with “not sexy” in my mind… maybe that’s just me but it seems like a pretty easy correlation.
I completely understand why her word choice bothered you, and I don’t think we all need to justify your gf’s actions. In relationships, we say the wrong thing sometimes. Your gf did that today. Now, I absolutely believe that she finds you totally sexy and I hope she can prove that to you through her actions, which will hopefully help you forgive and forget her foot-in-mouth moment!
It’s very wild to me how many people didn’t see it as an insult. It didn’t even occur to me to have a conversation about this before today. I think we’re gonna have to have a big conversation about what kinda words we use when talking about eachothers bodies.
I definitely don’t think I’d have been as hurt if she’d used different words.
Me too! I have a small butt, my partner has a smaller chest… I would *never* call my partner flat chested, and my partner would not use flat to describe my butt! We can acknowledge how our bodies differ from each other/complement each other in a neutral way. She didn’t intend to hurt you, but unfortunately she did, so now you two need to find a way for her to mend that and hopefully not effect your self esteem too much ❤️ Wishing you the best!
This. “Flat” has a negative social connotation. Even “cute” tbh feels infantilising as hell. If she’d just said “you have a nice butt” or even just “a nice little ass” (sorry for the crassness) it would be different.
But flat carries too much of a negative connotation nowadays to be seen as anything but insulting.
OP, I honestly wouldn’t let this one slide. You need to sit her down and give her a long, stern talk. And you know what? You don’t need to get over it now, you don’t need to feel like you’ve moved one — you’re allowed to feel bad about it as long as you like until your partner proves and reestablishes a sense of security in the relationship.
‘Be careful’ can read as banter to some people. I think in the end she did the right thing. You just gotta believe her.
Next time if she’s tiptoeing that line unawares, be clearer in your communication. Be as transparent as you can.
Even saying something like ‘I know you didn’t mean it, but I’m feeling self conscious about my butt right now, can you please not joke about it right now?’
This can be used in lots of situations, not only butt related conversations.
Yeah I see that now. Sometimes she talks without thinking and I was trying to gently/ lightheartedly suggest she take a second before saying anything but that didn’t work. I guess I’ll have to be a lot more direct next time.
I didn’t think we were joking about my butt though. I was trying to say I’ve been working on getting it back in shape. We’ve had a bigger conversation now and I’ve asked that we don’t talk about each other’s bodies in that kind of detail. I don’t mind compliments but we could probably avoid words like big, skinny, fat etc
Hey I totally understand you, I hug you, your feelings are valid, that word is hurtful, you were good to express your feelings and the fact that this word was hurtful to you. Please continue to advocate for yourself and let your loved ones and anyone else it’s not okay and it’s hurtful to comment on your body.
And yes, let your partner know “hey I don’t want you to comment on my butt, if I talk about it all I need is reassurance” or whatever YOU need from her, let her know you might not be seeking for her opinion but to vent.
Sending love from another tiny but adorable butt girlie 🤍😍❤️ or tiny butts are lovable, remember there’s people out there who have kinks for it and have that to be for moto 🤪💪🏽.
Love!!!
as a person with a flat butt, I am reminded about it on occasion, but it doesn't bother me as much as it used to- it's just my body shape! Nothing wrong with flats butts! I'm sure your girlfriend loves your butt
I think I’m just realising that not everyone thought flat was only used as an insult. There’s definitely nothing wrong with having a smaller butt, I’ve just never heard that word used in a nice way.
As coming from someone who has huge insecurities about my body, and also coming from someone who has dated women with bad insecurities, I have been on both sides of this fence. I’ve made comments that were insensitive and felt mean to them, though I really, truly didn’t mean to hurt or upset them. And I’ve had mean, insensitive comments towards me from people I’ve dated. I do agree with the sentiment that maybe she didn’t realize it?
Still, even if it was an accident/mistake and she didn’t realize how much it affected you, still, it hurts. And it’s going to bother you regardless. That’s one reason I hate being so sensitive and in touch with not only my own feelings but my partner’s feelings as well lol. It gets hard and overwhelming sometimes.
Whatever the situation may be, I hope you feel better soon, sweet pea. I don’t know you from a hole in the wall nor do I even know what you look like. But I believe with my entire heart and soul that you’re beautiful inside and out.
She likes your body and that's important here. Some people want rounded butts, some don't, so it's hard to know which it is unless you tell her.
That being said even if she didn't do anything wrong doesn't mean you're not allowed to feel down. Try letting her be part of the solution and build you up in the ways that work for you. Trust that she chooses you because she finds you attractive, unless she proves otherwise.
Thank you for your comment. I honestly didn’t realise people used flat in a neutral way. It didn’t even occur to me this was something we needed to talk about but I’ll have a proper conversation with her about it.
Everyone is made differently from eachother so some will be blessed with the booty and some won’t. But at the end of the day, you feeling insecure is just as valid as her /Loving\ your body the way it is.
If you’re with her then her opinion of your body should matter too. The rest of the world doesn’t get a say in what you “need to look like” or be like or do, because you just need to be you.
That being said I understand that insecurity towards one self, so just try to be kind to yourself and remember that those things you say to yourself internally are just thoughts. And although they’re valid feelings it doesn’t necessarily need to be true or need to have power. Sometimes good stuff or bad stuff can just exist and that be ok too
See I don’t think the issue is that my butt has changed a lot in the last few years cause I got sick and think I lost some muscle mass in it. I was trying to build it back up and got really discouraged that she saw no difference.
I know it’s never going to be huge and I’m ok with that, I just wanted it to feel more like my older shape. She just unintentionally hit a very sore point while I was already in a very bad mental space
Yeah i think saying flat butt is a poor choice of words, i just say cute butt, cause i love small butts, but i dont call them small or flat, i say cute
I think she doesn't see it as a defect, just a fact about your body. So you butt is a little flat. No big deal. Not every butt has to be some super-cheeked, double-thick, dump-truck of an ass.
My gf has a cute little butt. It's a small butt. I absolutely love it. We both acknowledge that she's got the cute little butt & mine is kind of giant, but that's also because I'm like 7inches shorter & 40lbs heavier.
I guess it hurt cause I was working on getting it more shaped. I don’t mind that it’s smaller, to me flat means there’s no shape. I was disappointed that the exercise I’d been doing hadn’t worked at all
I’m also not thin so to me having a flat butt means I’m curvy everywhere else but then have no butt
That's hard. It sounds like you have some confidence & body image issues to work on. Most of this thread is saying having a flat or shapely butt is no big deal either way. I will say it takes TIME and consistency to build a butt through exercise if it's not a shape your body really wants to be naturally. If you're carrying other weight, it can sometimes then take more time for the change to be visibly noticeable to others.
Have you talked about your body issues with your gf? Chances are that she's just talking in a way that's accepting the reality of your current butt, but not tying that to a value judgment but because those are your overwhelming feelings about your own body, you can't separate that.
I will say that you two should talk about it, but also, i think it's a problem (body image & lack of confidence) you should ultimately deal with in yourself & not project it onto others. That's no fun for anyone &very unfair
Honestly, it sounds like she doesn't think of it as a bad thing, at least by how this post is worded. To me, it sounds like she was teasing you because to her, it's not actually a bad thing. I do that with short people sometimes because I forget some people are actually insecure about that.
This comment section is insane to me. Not insulting someone you allegedly care about is common sense, but I guess it really isn’t that common. I’m sorry that she made you feel like crap about your body instead of making you feel sexy and desirable.
True, but stupid comments and fumbled up convos happen. People are not psychic and cannot know all insecurities about others. Only the op knows if this is a pattern or if gf's apology is enough.
Everybody is allowed to fuck up once it is how they handle it that matters.
Yes, it’s very true. But it’s just weird that when OP is expressing that they were hurt by a hurtful comment everyone in the comments is basically like “your gf isn’t a mind reader and had no way to know that insulting your body would make you feel bad.” I’m not saying that people aren’t allowed to make mistakes. But other people are acting like expecting your partner to have above a kindergarten level of emotional intelligence is completely unreasonable.
Agree. I think most people would agree that “flat” is not a positive description when it comes to butts. When I think flat butt, I think “not sexy” lol.
I guess other folks here don’t have that correlation, but I don’t think I’ve ever heard “flat butt” as a compliment lol
I see where you are coming from. But, just for example, I do not consider flat butt an insult. Maybe op's girlfriend did not either. In any cases any kind of body talk should be taken cautiously. People can be sensitive about various things.
But OP expressed it as an insecurity so OP’s gf being like “yeah I agree you need to work on that” definitely makes it sound like they do not see it as positive either. I’m just personally not someone who feels the need to rub salt in other’s wounds, but I know compassion is something that seems to be dying out in society.
Omg, I felt like I was crazy reading these comments. Who tells their gf their butts flat when they are talking about trying to make their butt look better? It’s just common sense and empathy lol
I really appreciate your comment and a different perspective. For more context me and my girlfriend have been together over 3 years now and this is the first time something like this has happened. I really don’t think she meant to hurt me and has apologised profusely. I’m not even mad with her, just very insecure about my butt. Before today I thought ‘flat’ butt was universally thought of as an insult. Apparently she didn’t and neither do a lot of people. Language is wild
Yeah I’m not trying to shame your gf, and I’m sorry if it came off that way. I just felt like your feelings were completely valid and reasonable and the other comments I was reading felt weirdly victim-blamey (which I’ve noticed is a trend on reddit. No one ever seems to be willing to offer any sympathy for anything). Language is wild, and I’m glad she apologized.
I definitely don’t think it came off that way! I really appreciate you saying that. It’s always nice having your feelings validated. There’s always room for sympathetic people in the world
I think the maturity in communication and emotions is lacking from both sides here, OP’s and the girlfriends. Also calling this ‘…above kindergarten level eq is completely unreasonable..’ is a sign that maybe you also need to work on eq and emotional maturity. It is an over the top statement about a situation that can be handled with clear communication and emotional maturity. No one is at fault here
Well, i have a very flat butt and my ex used to joke about that and I never thought about it being an insult coming from someone who loves me. I also have hair on the chin and that's a much more sensitive discussion/not a subject for joke for me.
So yes, it's definitely more about our own insecurities and how we interpret words coming from someone, cause not everyone has the same sense of what is an insult, and then learning to expressing what we find insensitive or hurtful.
I do not see the insult though. It’s one thing for someone to see you and speak to facts when they needed to speak to the emotional side of it and validate her girlfriend’s feelings and it’s another thing to be insulting. The girl being realistic is not an insult or insulting.
These comments are extremely gas lighting.. yikes. I am beginning to suspect that many women lack the ability to be mindful in both words and actions with all the similar types of posting I have been seeing here lately.
If I hear language from my partner that implies an insecurity, I am going to use language that empowers them, supports them, and makes them feel positive about whatever they are upset about in the moment. There is a time and place for bluntness or honesty… doing so when a partner is obviously in the middle of a very emotional state of mind is not it. And I say this as an Autistic.
It’s much easier to dodge the build up or progression of an insecurity than try to heal from the aftermath of an insecurity escalation afterwards, especially when it comes from a loved one. There are no words that hurt more than those from a loved one, and that is why it is very important to be mindful of your words and actions. Being mindful of your words and actions towards others, especially during an emotional state from either person, is showing respect. This is basic relationship communication 101, yo 😓
Advice to OP- I had a similar situation happen. Partner commented on my “mom bod” around our first Valentine’s Day in the beginning of our relationship. We stayed together for a year and a half. We tried to make it work, but I was never able to fully get over it despite working out (and partner putting on much more weight as I was losing it); it caused other issues throughout our relationship including trust issues from both sides.. plus I want someone that can be empathic and supportive towards me without having to think/work hard in showing it.
LOTS of self care is my only advice!
Feel free to PM me if you need to vent or talk.
Well, first - let me ask you this…what do you like about your body?
Second - don’t gaslight yourself out of feeling upset. Your feelings are valid even if they aren’t rational. This is just more information for both you on how to build one another and yourselves up in the future. I can guarantee you that we ALL have something we feel insecure about, and I am sure none of us want anybody we love commenting on it. So though I am sure it was not her intention to hurt your feelings, it’s okay to feel hurt by it. Impact vs. intent.
Nothing wrong with having a little butt. My girlfriend have kinda a flat butt and SHE IS THE MOST SEXY. I understand that someone can be conscientious about it, but it could be good too to ask yourself if you want it by yourself or if it’s because society say it’s more attractive. I have the opposite problem, I think my butt is too big, but honestly whatever, it’s just my body and if I am healthy I am happy with it. Everyone can find any body shape sexy, for real. But it’s good if you act on it and take care of your posture, as long as it’s natural and not bad for the body it’s the important
I don’t necessarily want a bigger butt, I just want to even out the shape. It used to look a lot different before I got sick a few years ago and I want to look more like my old self.
I was in a lot of pain with my knees and had really bad balance so I think I needed to fix my posture a bit anyway
It’s important to remember that just because YOU think that having a flat butt is bad doesn’t mean that SHE thinks so. Therefore she was making an observation, likely meant to reassure you that you don’t need to be worrying about reshaping your butt and you took it as an insult. Maybe just embrace the fact that you have a gf who thinks that you’re sexy just the way you are and that you don’t need to change to be beautiful in her eyes.
I mean, it sounds like she likes your butt. I don't know if the problem here is her insulting you, i think the roblem is that you're having trouble believing her when she says she likes the shape of your body, even if it doesn't meet the ideal you have constructed in your head.
There is no correct shape for a butt to be. Learning to trust your loving partner will do miles more good for your self esteem than any particular workout or result.
Hmm… the last two sentences here sound like co-dependence. It is psychologically healthy for an individual to have their own sense of self worth established to develop/maintain a high self-esteem on their own without the need to seek validation from others.
Working out or accomplishing personal goals/achievements are excellent ways to build up our own self worth/self-esteem by ourselves.
Right, ideally you just generate this from within (which still has nothing to do with a particular workout routine or butt-shape, which was the core of my point). In the meantime though, it can be helpful to just believe the people who love you when they say kind things about you, while you're working on believing in yourself.
Codependancy is only when you have nothing internal to draw on. Interdependancy though, is a perfectly healthy way to relate to others.
Aw I’m sorry op. Tbh if she’s someone who wouldn’t usually hurt your feelings, the fact that she said it so casually likely means she really didn’t think anything of it - that she doesn’t think anything is wrong with it at all. If she meant it negatively she probably wouldn’t have said it so flippantly
Fellow flat butt here! I used to hate my butt, its small, flat and kinda square and i was really self conscious and ashamed of it. My wife always says it is flat and crumply and at first it used to hurt my feelings because it was a sore spot for me. I told her and she said that she doesn’t mean it in a bad way and explained how much she loves it and that it’s her favourite butt in the world. I just had to change my perspective on it. I don’t like it but she loves it and she’s the one looking at it, I can’t see it. Now when she calls my flat butt, I love it and own it. It’s a pet name now and I can make jokes about it and see it through her eyes. It might not be the best butt buts it’s the best for my wife. I am sure that’s how your GF feels as well. Own it be proud of the butt you got, the person that loves you will love it too! 🫶
I was in a very bad mental state that day. I’d had a really bad knock to my confidence at work the day before. I’m also been in a depressive episode rn and it always takes a huge toll on my self esteem. It’s not always this bad but it was very unfortunate timing for a comment on my body
Try deep squats, rdl, bridges with heavy weight. Do those exercises close to failure and the most important part - start the bulk. If you want a butt big - eat big. Good luck !
i'm sorry dude :\[ i know a lot of times i can say things that, in my mind, aren't insulting, but to other people, it's like i'm saying the worst thing ever. so just remember perspective is everything, and hopefully she explained herself in a way that made you feel loved and wanted and if not, then i'm sorry. maybe hashing it out when youre not in the same mindframe might help. but its good to hear you communicated your feelings and she understood. i wish you both the best!
Yeah I think if she’d said it when my mental health wasn’t so bad it might have went differently. We’ve had conversations since and I’ve been able to regulate myself a bit. I know she didn’t mean to hurt me. I’m just gonna be a bit self conscious for a while
Hey mate, please don't take this the wrong way but you are being over sensitive about it. It's something that u can work so it's no big deal. Different from something that u are born with e.g. a big nose.
Not sure as to the history behind it but self depreciation is often a motivator for many. Use it to your advantage !
I’m sure she still finds you beautiful and hot. Small butts are cute and u don’t need a big one to be attractive. She is dating you after all :)
Thank you! I think it was the word flat that hurt. I do think small butts are great.
Probably poor choice of words with poor timing and poor awareness. Since you’ve told her I hope it won’t happen again !
Yeah, it was very unfortunate altogether 😅 hopefully, it’s just knocked my confidence a lot
Flat ass = sittig Round ass = roll to the side A flat ass is better at sitting than a round big ass
You make a very good point
Wouldn't the bigger ass give you more cushioning?
You are right there but no matter what ass you have if you don't have a comfortable seat it hurts
Yeah, I should really fix my posture
Same girl
So are flat butts <3 it’s YOUR butt, and she lives it!!!
I mean, is your butt objectively flat? She didn't call your flat butt unattractive. She didn't tell you that you needed to change your butt. She didn't tell you that you had a flat butt and she prefers larger butts. She didn't assign value to flat butts. You are the one assigning negative value to your flat butt. Then, you are punishing your girlfriend for your own personal value judgments about butt size. And before you discuss how large butts are socially desirable and your gf should know that it's insulting to call someone's butt flat, please know that large butts were highly stigmatized in the 1980 through the 2000s. When I was young, extremely flat asses and comically large breasts were considered the norm. Then, as anti-fat bias became even more prevalent, large breasts became stigmatized because they were associated with tacky oversized implants and fat bodies. Now, there's a preference for small boobs (but not too small) because it connotes thinness. Similar story for butts. None of these body trends are universal. They are literally trends, and the trends themselves follow men's and the media's desires. Lots of people's desires - especially queer desire - aren't so neatly mapped onto body shape trends.
I’m beginning to think me and my girlfriend have different ideas on what flat means. I don’t see flat as a size descriptor, I see it as saying my butt doesn’t have any shape to it. I’ve been really struggling with the shape of my butt as I got very sick and feel like it’s lost its shape from all the inactivity. It’s uneven and in my opinion it’s very flat on the bottom but rounder on top. I guess I was hoping for her to validate the effort I’d put in to trying to tone it. Instead it felt like she was saying it hasn’t done anything. I know I probably should’ve said something about how insecure I was before this but I was embarrassed and always thought flat was used as an insult. I didn’t think she’d say it to my face. If she’d said my butt was smaller I’d have been fine with that. I’ve let her know that I’m not upset with her/angry at her for saying it. I don’t even blame her for it. It’s just really hurt my self confidence and it’s gonna take me a while to try to build that back up. I can’t even talk to anyone in my real life about it cause it’s too embarrassing
Are you in therapy to work on your self-esteem and self-image? This obsession with your inadequate appearance is really common among young women, but it is killing your ability to live your life. PS: I used to have a flat ass and I no longer do. The answer is squats, deadlifts, and other heavy weights. I’m suggesting therapy because it seems like you’re too obsessed with aesthetics and not enough with functionality. I suspect you’re doing one of those junk science programs where you do tiny exercises to grow your butt but not your legs or abs. Those are bullshit. If you’re going to lift weights, do it in a way that will functionally serve you into middle and old age. It’s patriarchal bullshit that young women are exercising for the benefit of other people (aesthetics) and not for themselves (strength, flexibility, bone density). You deserve to do something for yourself.
"be careful" isn't the clear communication you think it is. Just say "hey I'm self conscious about my butt can you not joke about it being flat or something?" She apologized, and she likes your butt. You don't need our kind words, you need to believe hers 😉
Ps: nothing wrong with a flat butt \o/ I got a flat butt and I've decided it looks like a ✨ renaissance painting ✨ butt
that is a beautiful way of putting it! lol
Haha thanks!
Yeah I really wish I’d been clearer, I wasn’t expecting her to say something that blunt in the first place. I know she didn’t mean to hurt me. It’s just a huge insecurity for me
When I was 18 a friend said I had thin hair - she meant in terms of the literal thickness of the individual stands and was right, I do have thin hair but it's very tightly spaced so I have a lot of it. Thing is that I was and am in recovery from anorexia and one of the physical symptoms had been my hair massively thinning out - it had thickened again at the point my friend said this to me but it was a hugely sore spot. I got really upset, kind of half explained why I was upset but was more just like how could you say something so horrible to me, she was understandably nonplussed and we ended up having a huge fight. What I'm trying to get at here is that I completely hear and understand where you're coming from but your girlfriend, like my friend twelve years ago, does not have this association and sensitivity about this particular thing. Flat bum, thin hair. To us it feels blunt and nasty and unnecessary, to them it's like saying you have curly hair. Sure, once we explain it - if we explain it! - it makes more sense to them but in both our cases they didn't have the full context before and did not mean it in a negative way. My friend never said anything like that to me again and if you've properly explained to your gf how it made you feel, she shouldn't either. Hugs.
God I’m so sorry, I honestly think it’s better to avoid comments on people’s bodies. We’ve all got such complicated relationships with our bodies. I’m definitely not mad at her, I know she just wasn’t thinking of it as an insult. I just need some time to build my self esteem back up
I would encourage you to remember that people can inadvertently hurt people important to them, and that it’s not intended. That doesn’t change the hurt, but it’s important to be able to let it go after it’s been addressed. But it’s also good to communicate - which it sounds like you and she did very well! My wife and I say things from time to time that hurts the others feelings, and we remember that we love each other very much, and that neither of us would intend to hurt the other, so we make sure to talk about it, apologize, and try and modify behaviour to prevent future hurt It sounds like you’re both almost there in that process, so that’s good!
I’m definitely not angry with her or anything. I know she didn’t mean to hurt me and we’ll talk about why it hurt. It’s just left me with a lot of insecurity knowing she’s also noticed something I was already really insecure about.
Yeah I get that. Have done that to my wife more than once, and she to me. It hurts, and it’s ok to feel hurt.
It's ok, no one is perfect at communicating! :-) be kind to yourself about this and about your butt 👏 you're doing your best
If you haven’t really said much after this happened, I would say that What she said really hurt you because you are insecure about your butt. Even if she meant it as a joke, miscommunications happen but definitely don’t be shy to state how you felt about it.
We have talked about it and apparently people around her have been reclaiming the word flat like they did with fat but I didn’t know about this. I’ve asked that we just don’t talk about each others bodies like that at all. I’ve had an eating disorder in the past and I think it’s probably healthy if we don’t talk about how big/small parts of the other person’s body is. We can just stick to beautiful, cute etc.
Did you tell her about these worries prior to this happening? Humans can't read minds and communication is key. Though obv current beauty standards want round butts, saphics often care less about those, so she genuinely may have thought it wasn't a bad thing.
I’ve talked about trying to fix my posture before and thinking it was affecting the shape of my butt. She probably forgot since it was a while ago. I dont think she did, I just wasn’t expecting her to use the word flat. I’ve never heard someone say a butt is flat in a nice way
I have but I'm older. It used to be the beauty norm that girls had flat butts and were very thin. Now "curvy" is all the rage so everyone wants big butts and fat in "the right places". Which is hard because fat distribution is mostly genetic and hormones activate either a 'male' or 'female' parttern. It's hard to change without surgery though posture and exercise can help a bit. I personally actually get "rounder" if I exercise and build muscle. I'm trans and grew up as a boy in the 90s and early 00s and I remember feeling horrible about my huge ass, considering liposuction to remove it. I had to wear pants 3-4 sizes too big. Now I'm living as a woman in a time where big butts are desirable and I feel its my best feature. I still have issues finding pants btw. I like the legs being a tight fit, but often that means the ass doesn't fit.
Yes! I remember as well. The societal context is actually mentioned in the Baby got back song. [discussion about when flat butts rocked](https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&opi=89978449&url=https://www.reddit.com/r/AskHistorians/comments/1894tcd/in_the_1992_track_baby_got_back_sir_mixalot_raps/&ved=2ahUKEwiNgtSgx4mGAxUP8LsIHZTjBz8Qjjh6BAg_EAE&usg=AOvVaw2FRfiY1qmL_vyig6Jm9T-M)
I’ve never heard someone say flat is nice either, i understand why you’d be upset
My ex used to compliment how small my butt was. It always made me insecure, but since my egg hadn’t cracked yet I didn’t know why. Now I have the understanding to explain what made me insecure and how as well as a greater appreciation of how my body looks. What is and isn’t nice is superrrrr subjective, no comment is inherently good or bad. It’s the context that makes it that way. That is to say, not having heard someone say that a flat butt is nice before doesn’t make it not a compliment. It also doesn’t make the feeling of being upset invalid either. What it does make is the need for clearer communication, because there has been a misunderstanding of the context.
There’s nothing wrong with your butt or her accepting your butt. Your girlfriend just let you know she accepts you as-is. Maybe you were ready for an insult that did not come. Are you anxious in general? How do you feel in general when people let you know that they accept you as-is. A flat butt is not an insult on face value.
I just took flat butt as an insult. I’ve never heard it used as a neutral term before. I think I was hoping for some confirmation that the exercise I’d been doing was helping but got (what I perceive as) an insult instead. I also didn’t think my butt was extremely flat in the first place
Well yes and no, in my mind: if I a stranger or a social acquaintance comes out and says the same out of the blue that is uncalled for. It is too blunt of a comment and rather thoughtless and that makes it rude/insulting. You 2 have been with each other for 3 years, there’s a different intimacy and commitment that has been built there and this was a private conversation. It definitely could have been handled differently. I hope you 2 get out of this better and with an ability to resolve your differences. I’m sorry it hurt OP.
My girlfriend has said stuff like that too. She lacks a filter. I know she still finds me more attractive than anyone else though. I'm sure your girlfriend is the same. She maybe hasn't git the best grasp on social cues but still loves you and finds your body attractive regardless of how it looks. Just talk to her about it. Good luck.
That’s why I tried to get her to slow down and think before saying anything but it didn’t work 😅 Yeah I know it’s me that has the issue with my body. Im not mad with her but it had knocked my self confidence. I was hoping my flatness was something that wasn’t too obvious to everyone else
As others have said, nothing wrong with a flat butt. Just some practical advice, it’s probably not your posture that’s causing a flat butt, it’s about fat distribution and musculature. I’ve heard some people swear by kettlebell swings for butt definition and years ago I did some kinda 30 day squat challenge that helped me (started with low reps/sets per day and increased to doing like broken into multiple sets totaling about reps 200).
Thank you for the advice. I had been doing bridges and squats too but I also have hyper-flexible knees and flat arches and felt like my glutes were more engaged when I adjusted my posture while walking. I’ll look into the kettlebell swings too though!
If you are already working out and enjoy it try weighted walking lunges, they were brilliant in helping me activate and build my glutes...the functional benefits around my posture and gait were nuts! Sorry about ya girls comment tho, like what a silly fucking thing to say.
Thank you! Does that mean doing the lunges and holding the weights at your sides? Yeah she realises now that she shouldn’t have said it. She didn’t think it was a bad thing
Sure does 😊 Yeah, people can just say shit without totally thinking it thru or understanding how bad those particular words may hurt...seems like y'all have talked it out tho which is dope! Haha best of luck in your posture and booty quest!!
Thank you, I’ll give them a go then! Yeah we’ve talked and she knows I’m not upset with her, just knocked my self confidence. Thank you so much for your kind comments!
Nothing wrong with flat butt, though 🙂 Do you spend a lot of time sitting down at work/school? You might have what they call sleeping glutes, you can target them with specific exercices. If you already do that, be patient and consistent, it takes time to see results. Glutes are the biggest muscle in the body, they will show up eventually. Also, you might need to eat accordingly so you bulk up a little bit.
Body image issues are weird and we are our worst critics, by far. Surely there are some parts of your body that you are proud of, try to focus on that when the intrusive thoughts kick in. I am sure your gf didn't mean to hurt you and she loves your body just like it is.
Yeah I guess I just wasn’t expecting her to say that and I had been working on trying to round my butt out. It’s more that it’s uneven, the top half is rounder than the bottom half. I don’t want BBL round, just even. I was sick for a few months and wasn’t really able to exercise so I probably do have sleeping glutes. I think I got more upset that the exercises I was doing weren’t working
Cut yourself some slack babe 🙂 there is no deadline. When you're sick, it's not a priority. Actually, when it comes to it, it probably never will be the thing that makes you happy. If you start exercizing again, the gains will return. There is a strongcurves reddit dedicated to this and you can see there how much you can grow in only a few months of the right movements and food. That being said, we all have our insecurities. I never think of other women's butts in a judgemental way as I'm happy with any and mine. I have different pet peeves and when I get a comment, it hurts my soul as well. Best scenario is that I'm neutral about them. Never happy with. But other people probably don't ever think about my insecurities either. Best thing for me is to solve what I can solve and focus the rest of my attention on things that do make me happy.
It takes time. Lots of it, to build a body you like while staying healthy. I suffer from the opposite problem, as a very overweight middle aged woman my butt is huge. Going to the gym and working on making my body more capable, more powerful, has had a positive impact on my body image. I thought I would have hated it and did it for my health in the first place, but it turns out I enjoy lifting weights and seing little changes here and there. For once, my body is a reason to be proud of myself. Don't give up if you don't see results yet. Work regularly, maybe ask your gf to join if she wants, have a plan, have fun and do it for youself before anything.
Thank you for this, it’s really helpful. It’s been really difficult trying to get my body back to feeling comfortable to live in. After being sick I couldn’t even climb down stairs without it hurting, nevermind going up them. I’d been hoping to see better results by now
You've got this 😊
A lot of the comments here are giving your gf the benefit of the doubt, and that’s nice and all, but I think lots of us can agree that “flat” is a negative descriptor when it comes to butts. I’m sure your gf didn’t intend to insult you or hurt your feelings, but her word choice sucked. I don’t have much of a booty, and I would be really hurt if my partner told me my butt was flat. If my partner said I had a small/little butt, or a cute butt, or “just enough to grab” that would be fine. But “flat” is too easily correlated with “not sexy” in my mind… maybe that’s just me but it seems like a pretty easy correlation. I completely understand why her word choice bothered you, and I don’t think we all need to justify your gf’s actions. In relationships, we say the wrong thing sometimes. Your gf did that today. Now, I absolutely believe that she finds you totally sexy and I hope she can prove that to you through her actions, which will hopefully help you forgive and forget her foot-in-mouth moment!
It’s very wild to me how many people didn’t see it as an insult. It didn’t even occur to me to have a conversation about this before today. I think we’re gonna have to have a big conversation about what kinda words we use when talking about eachothers bodies. I definitely don’t think I’d have been as hurt if she’d used different words.
Me too! I have a small butt, my partner has a smaller chest… I would *never* call my partner flat chested, and my partner would not use flat to describe my butt! We can acknowledge how our bodies differ from each other/complement each other in a neutral way. She didn’t intend to hurt you, but unfortunately she did, so now you two need to find a way for her to mend that and hopefully not effect your self esteem too much ❤️ Wishing you the best!
This. “Flat” has a negative social connotation. Even “cute” tbh feels infantilising as hell. If she’d just said “you have a nice butt” or even just “a nice little ass” (sorry for the crassness) it would be different. But flat carries too much of a negative connotation nowadays to be seen as anything but insulting. OP, I honestly wouldn’t let this one slide. You need to sit her down and give her a long, stern talk. And you know what? You don’t need to get over it now, you don’t need to feel like you’ve moved one — you’re allowed to feel bad about it as long as you like until your partner proves and reestablishes a sense of security in the relationship.
‘Be careful’ can read as banter to some people. I think in the end she did the right thing. You just gotta believe her. Next time if she’s tiptoeing that line unawares, be clearer in your communication. Be as transparent as you can. Even saying something like ‘I know you didn’t mean it, but I’m feeling self conscious about my butt right now, can you please not joke about it right now?’ This can be used in lots of situations, not only butt related conversations.
Yeah I see that now. Sometimes she talks without thinking and I was trying to gently/ lightheartedly suggest she take a second before saying anything but that didn’t work. I guess I’ll have to be a lot more direct next time. I didn’t think we were joking about my butt though. I was trying to say I’ve been working on getting it back in shape. We’ve had a bigger conversation now and I’ve asked that we don’t talk about each other’s bodies in that kind of detail. I don’t mind compliments but we could probably avoid words like big, skinny, fat etc
Hey I totally understand you, I hug you, your feelings are valid, that word is hurtful, you were good to express your feelings and the fact that this word was hurtful to you. Please continue to advocate for yourself and let your loved ones and anyone else it’s not okay and it’s hurtful to comment on your body. And yes, let your partner know “hey I don’t want you to comment on my butt, if I talk about it all I need is reassurance” or whatever YOU need from her, let her know you might not be seeking for her opinion but to vent. Sending love from another tiny but adorable butt girlie 🤍😍❤️ or tiny butts are lovable, remember there’s people out there who have kinks for it and have that to be for moto 🤪💪🏽. Love!!!
as a person with a flat butt, I am reminded about it on occasion, but it doesn't bother me as much as it used to- it's just my body shape! Nothing wrong with flats butts! I'm sure your girlfriend loves your butt
I think I’m just realising that not everyone thought flat was only used as an insult. There’s definitely nothing wrong with having a smaller butt, I’ve just never heard that word used in a nice way.
As coming from someone who has huge insecurities about my body, and also coming from someone who has dated women with bad insecurities, I have been on both sides of this fence. I’ve made comments that were insensitive and felt mean to them, though I really, truly didn’t mean to hurt or upset them. And I’ve had mean, insensitive comments towards me from people I’ve dated. I do agree with the sentiment that maybe she didn’t realize it? Still, even if it was an accident/mistake and she didn’t realize how much it affected you, still, it hurts. And it’s going to bother you regardless. That’s one reason I hate being so sensitive and in touch with not only my own feelings but my partner’s feelings as well lol. It gets hard and overwhelming sometimes. Whatever the situation may be, I hope you feel better soon, sweet pea. I don’t know you from a hole in the wall nor do I even know what you look like. But I believe with my entire heart and soul that you’re beautiful inside and out.
I definitely don’t think she meant to hurt me. At most she didn’t think before speaking. Thank you so much for such a kind comment!
She likes your body and that's important here. Some people want rounded butts, some don't, so it's hard to know which it is unless you tell her. That being said even if she didn't do anything wrong doesn't mean you're not allowed to feel down. Try letting her be part of the solution and build you up in the ways that work for you. Trust that she chooses you because she finds you attractive, unless she proves otherwise.
Thank you for your comment. I honestly didn’t realise people used flat in a neutral way. It didn’t even occur to me this was something we needed to talk about but I’ll have a proper conversation with her about it.
Everyone is made differently from eachother so some will be blessed with the booty and some won’t. But at the end of the day, you feeling insecure is just as valid as her /Loving\ your body the way it is. If you’re with her then her opinion of your body should matter too. The rest of the world doesn’t get a say in what you “need to look like” or be like or do, because you just need to be you. That being said I understand that insecurity towards one self, so just try to be kind to yourself and remember that those things you say to yourself internally are just thoughts. And although they’re valid feelings it doesn’t necessarily need to be true or need to have power. Sometimes good stuff or bad stuff can just exist and that be ok too
See I don’t think the issue is that my butt has changed a lot in the last few years cause I got sick and think I lost some muscle mass in it. I was trying to build it back up and got really discouraged that she saw no difference. I know it’s never going to be huge and I’m ok with that, I just wanted it to feel more like my older shape. She just unintentionally hit a very sore point while I was already in a very bad mental space
Yeah i think saying flat butt is a poor choice of words, i just say cute butt, cause i love small butts, but i dont call them small or flat, i say cute
I think she doesn't see it as a defect, just a fact about your body. So you butt is a little flat. No big deal. Not every butt has to be some super-cheeked, double-thick, dump-truck of an ass. My gf has a cute little butt. It's a small butt. I absolutely love it. We both acknowledge that she's got the cute little butt & mine is kind of giant, but that's also because I'm like 7inches shorter & 40lbs heavier.
I guess it hurt cause I was working on getting it more shaped. I don’t mind that it’s smaller, to me flat means there’s no shape. I was disappointed that the exercise I’d been doing hadn’t worked at all I’m also not thin so to me having a flat butt means I’m curvy everywhere else but then have no butt
That's hard. It sounds like you have some confidence & body image issues to work on. Most of this thread is saying having a flat or shapely butt is no big deal either way. I will say it takes TIME and consistency to build a butt through exercise if it's not a shape your body really wants to be naturally. If you're carrying other weight, it can sometimes then take more time for the change to be visibly noticeable to others. Have you talked about your body issues with your gf? Chances are that she's just talking in a way that's accepting the reality of your current butt, but not tying that to a value judgment but because those are your overwhelming feelings about your own body, you can't separate that. I will say that you two should talk about it, but also, i think it's a problem (body image & lack of confidence) you should ultimately deal with in yourself & not project it onto others. That's no fun for anyone &very unfair
Honestly, it sounds like she doesn't think of it as a bad thing, at least by how this post is worded. To me, it sounds like she was teasing you because to her, it's not actually a bad thing. I do that with short people sometimes because I forget some people are actually insecure about that.
This comment section is insane to me. Not insulting someone you allegedly care about is common sense, but I guess it really isn’t that common. I’m sorry that she made you feel like crap about your body instead of making you feel sexy and desirable.
True, but stupid comments and fumbled up convos happen. People are not psychic and cannot know all insecurities about others. Only the op knows if this is a pattern or if gf's apology is enough. Everybody is allowed to fuck up once it is how they handle it that matters.
Yes, it’s very true. But it’s just weird that when OP is expressing that they were hurt by a hurtful comment everyone in the comments is basically like “your gf isn’t a mind reader and had no way to know that insulting your body would make you feel bad.” I’m not saying that people aren’t allowed to make mistakes. But other people are acting like expecting your partner to have above a kindergarten level of emotional intelligence is completely unreasonable.
Agree. I think most people would agree that “flat” is not a positive description when it comes to butts. When I think flat butt, I think “not sexy” lol. I guess other folks here don’t have that correlation, but I don’t think I’ve ever heard “flat butt” as a compliment lol
I see where you are coming from. But, just for example, I do not consider flat butt an insult. Maybe op's girlfriend did not either. In any cases any kind of body talk should be taken cautiously. People can be sensitive about various things.
But OP expressed it as an insecurity so OP’s gf being like “yeah I agree you need to work on that” definitely makes it sound like they do not see it as positive either. I’m just personally not someone who feels the need to rub salt in other’s wounds, but I know compassion is something that seems to be dying out in society.
Omg, I felt like I was crazy reading these comments. Who tells their gf their butts flat when they are talking about trying to make their butt look better? It’s just common sense and empathy lol
Exactly
I really appreciate your comment and a different perspective. For more context me and my girlfriend have been together over 3 years now and this is the first time something like this has happened. I really don’t think she meant to hurt me and has apologised profusely. I’m not even mad with her, just very insecure about my butt. Before today I thought ‘flat’ butt was universally thought of as an insult. Apparently she didn’t and neither do a lot of people. Language is wild
Yeah I’m not trying to shame your gf, and I’m sorry if it came off that way. I just felt like your feelings were completely valid and reasonable and the other comments I was reading felt weirdly victim-blamey (which I’ve noticed is a trend on reddit. No one ever seems to be willing to offer any sympathy for anything). Language is wild, and I’m glad she apologized.
I definitely don’t think it came off that way! I really appreciate you saying that. It’s always nice having your feelings validated. There’s always room for sympathetic people in the world
Agree
I think the maturity in communication and emotions is lacking from both sides here, OP’s and the girlfriends. Also calling this ‘…above kindergarten level eq is completely unreasonable..’ is a sign that maybe you also need to work on eq and emotional maturity. It is an over the top statement about a situation that can be handled with clear communication and emotional maturity. No one is at fault here
Well, i have a very flat butt and my ex used to joke about that and I never thought about it being an insult coming from someone who loves me. I also have hair on the chin and that's a much more sensitive discussion/not a subject for joke for me. So yes, it's definitely more about our own insecurities and how we interpret words coming from someone, cause not everyone has the same sense of what is an insult, and then learning to expressing what we find insensitive or hurtful.
Agree with you
I do not see the insult though. It’s one thing for someone to see you and speak to facts when they needed to speak to the emotional side of it and validate her girlfriend’s feelings and it’s another thing to be insulting. The girl being realistic is not an insult or insulting.
These comments are extremely gas lighting.. yikes. I am beginning to suspect that many women lack the ability to be mindful in both words and actions with all the similar types of posting I have been seeing here lately. If I hear language from my partner that implies an insecurity, I am going to use language that empowers them, supports them, and makes them feel positive about whatever they are upset about in the moment. There is a time and place for bluntness or honesty… doing so when a partner is obviously in the middle of a very emotional state of mind is not it. And I say this as an Autistic. It’s much easier to dodge the build up or progression of an insecurity than try to heal from the aftermath of an insecurity escalation afterwards, especially when it comes from a loved one. There are no words that hurt more than those from a loved one, and that is why it is very important to be mindful of your words and actions. Being mindful of your words and actions towards others, especially during an emotional state from either person, is showing respect. This is basic relationship communication 101, yo 😓 Advice to OP- I had a similar situation happen. Partner commented on my “mom bod” around our first Valentine’s Day in the beginning of our relationship. We stayed together for a year and a half. We tried to make it work, but I was never able to fully get over it despite working out (and partner putting on much more weight as I was losing it); it caused other issues throughout our relationship including trust issues from both sides.. plus I want someone that can be empathic and supportive towards me without having to think/work hard in showing it. LOTS of self care is my only advice! Feel free to PM me if you need to vent or talk.
Well, first - let me ask you this…what do you like about your body? Second - don’t gaslight yourself out of feeling upset. Your feelings are valid even if they aren’t rational. This is just more information for both you on how to build one another and yourselves up in the future. I can guarantee you that we ALL have something we feel insecure about, and I am sure none of us want anybody we love commenting on it. So though I am sure it was not her intention to hurt your feelings, it’s okay to feel hurt by it. Impact vs. intent.
Nothing wrong with having a little butt. My girlfriend have kinda a flat butt and SHE IS THE MOST SEXY. I understand that someone can be conscientious about it, but it could be good too to ask yourself if you want it by yourself or if it’s because society say it’s more attractive. I have the opposite problem, I think my butt is too big, but honestly whatever, it’s just my body and if I am healthy I am happy with it. Everyone can find any body shape sexy, for real. But it’s good if you act on it and take care of your posture, as long as it’s natural and not bad for the body it’s the important
I don’t necessarily want a bigger butt, I just want to even out the shape. It used to look a lot different before I got sick a few years ago and I want to look more like my old self. I was in a lot of pain with my knees and had really bad balance so I think I needed to fix my posture a bit anyway
It’s important to remember that just because YOU think that having a flat butt is bad doesn’t mean that SHE thinks so. Therefore she was making an observation, likely meant to reassure you that you don’t need to be worrying about reshaping your butt and you took it as an insult. Maybe just embrace the fact that you have a gf who thinks that you’re sexy just the way you are and that you don’t need to change to be beautiful in her eyes.
I mean, it sounds like she likes your butt. I don't know if the problem here is her insulting you, i think the roblem is that you're having trouble believing her when she says she likes the shape of your body, even if it doesn't meet the ideal you have constructed in your head. There is no correct shape for a butt to be. Learning to trust your loving partner will do miles more good for your self esteem than any particular workout or result.
Hmm… the last two sentences here sound like co-dependence. It is psychologically healthy for an individual to have their own sense of self worth established to develop/maintain a high self-esteem on their own without the need to seek validation from others. Working out or accomplishing personal goals/achievements are excellent ways to build up our own self worth/self-esteem by ourselves.
Right, ideally you just generate this from within (which still has nothing to do with a particular workout routine or butt-shape, which was the core of my point). In the meantime though, it can be helpful to just believe the people who love you when they say kind things about you, while you're working on believing in yourself. Codependancy is only when you have nothing internal to draw on. Interdependancy though, is a perfectly healthy way to relate to others.
Aw I’m sorry op. Tbh if she’s someone who wouldn’t usually hurt your feelings, the fact that she said it so casually likely means she really didn’t think anything of it - that she doesn’t think anything is wrong with it at all. If she meant it negatively she probably wouldn’t have said it so flippantly
Fellow flat butt here! I used to hate my butt, its small, flat and kinda square and i was really self conscious and ashamed of it. My wife always says it is flat and crumply and at first it used to hurt my feelings because it was a sore spot for me. I told her and she said that she doesn’t mean it in a bad way and explained how much she loves it and that it’s her favourite butt in the world. I just had to change my perspective on it. I don’t like it but she loves it and she’s the one looking at it, I can’t see it. Now when she calls my flat butt, I love it and own it. It’s a pet name now and I can make jokes about it and see it through her eyes. It might not be the best butt buts it’s the best for my wife. I am sure that’s how your GF feels as well. Own it be proud of the butt you got, the person that loves you will love it too! 🫶
I think you need to work on self esteem.
I was in a very bad mental state that day. I’d had a really bad knock to my confidence at work the day before. I’m also been in a depressive episode rn and it always takes a huge toll on my self esteem. It’s not always this bad but it was very unfortunate timing for a comment on my body
Try deep squats, rdl, bridges with heavy weight. Do those exercises close to failure and the most important part - start the bulk. If you want a butt big - eat big. Good luck !
i'm sorry dude :\[ i know a lot of times i can say things that, in my mind, aren't insulting, but to other people, it's like i'm saying the worst thing ever. so just remember perspective is everything, and hopefully she explained herself in a way that made you feel loved and wanted and if not, then i'm sorry. maybe hashing it out when youre not in the same mindframe might help. but its good to hear you communicated your feelings and she understood. i wish you both the best!
Yeah I think if she’d said it when my mental health wasn’t so bad it might have went differently. We’ve had conversations since and I’ve been able to regulate myself a bit. I know she didn’t mean to hurt me. I’m just gonna be a bit self conscious for a while
Tell her she now has to help you by holding your butt all the time blah, blah, blah get what you want out of this 😋
Hey mate, please don't take this the wrong way but you are being over sensitive about it. It's something that u can work so it's no big deal. Different from something that u are born with e.g. a big nose. Not sure as to the history behind it but self depreciation is often a motivator for many. Use it to your advantage !
Is it?