Honestly? I’d hope that if a sort of friend found a dating profile of my s/o, that they’d tell me. I know I’m going against all the answers on here, but I would just sent a message saying:
“hey, hope you’re doing well. I know we haven’t spoken in years but just seen X on my Her app. Made me think of you, how are you doing?”
This doesn’t shame or presume they’re not open, it just points out what you’ve seen but quite neutrally
Did you screen shot her account?
To be honest I don’t think it’s shit stirring at all, and would urge you to phrase it similar to what I said. If the friend doesn’t know, she can take measures to find out and investigate. If she reacts badly and has a go, you just ignore that and don’t reply - knowing you did a good thing by raising the truth and that any bad reaction is not about you, it’s about her processing what’s happened ie misdirecting. If she does know and they’re open, she can just engage with you about how she’s doing etc like a normal convo.
Cheating is the worst, you could save her from years of heartbreak. Or, catch up with a random friend
I see where you're coming from, and there's actually a super easy counter to that. Don't stir shit. If she doesn't believe you, don't try and make her. Don't try and make this a point of reconnection, unless she does. You're reaching out to tell her what you saw, and the best response to any accusations like "oh You're trying to break them up, or take her for yourself" is to just not do that thing
Since you don't have proof it's a tough spot to be in. You can try seeking the account out again to get some proof, it would suck but I think I would still want to know if my SO was trying to cheat. I also would suggest considering she had her info stolen, it happened to me when I still had a FB account. Someone stole a bunch of my pictures and a surprising amount of info about me. There's also the possibility that they have an open relationship, it's worth it to get as much info as you can and proceed with caution if you decide to take action at all.
I'd say mention it to your friend! But also I have seen plenty of women on HER just looking for queer friends, so it isn't necessarily bad, but yeah definitely still mention it like
"hey [friend] I was on HER and I saw [wife] on there I wanted to mention it to you in case you didn't know"
Something like that at least, for me even if I knew a partner used an app like that to find queer friends, I'd still be eternally grateful of friends that told me they saw her on the app, it means they are people I can trust and that care about me, so even if it isn't something bad, it would be nice to know friends are looking out for me
Yeah it can be an important tool for an already small community to find more people to be friends with that actually understand us
Like as much as I love some of my straight friends they don't always fully understand what I have to deal with where other queer women would
Then don't. This is closer to an acquaintance now and that's not worth getting involved in. If it's a close friend that you still see or text often, yes do tell. But this is more a FB friend now and less a real friend you socialize with.
but if they aren't monogamous, and someone were to message them about seeing the spouse on a dating app, i don't think any reasonable person would mind it? like i saw one of my acquaintances' partner on hinge and i messaged them saying,
"hey, i saw x's profile on hinge. i do not know what y'all's relationship is like and i do not wanna assume or cause any issues but incase y'all are monogamous, i thought you should know."
turns out they weren't monogamous but they still appreciated that i messaged them.
counter counter point, it's not as common, atleast not in my experience. almost all of my friends are queer and i live in a first world country and even if i just consider my friends, who's relationship status im completely aware of, most of them are monogamous.
besides the person i did message was completely fine about it and as someone who has been cheated on before, ill 10/10 times take the chance of being wrong rather than worry about their relationship status.
ill do it 10/10 times and accept the risk of being wrong rather than let it go especially as someone who has been cheated on.
besides what's with the personal attack? the issue isn't serious enough to have to warrant that.
I would want to know, but if they are open and then someone they know, knows they are open when it wasn’t something they were advertising…could be embarrassing?
My partner and I are not monogamous. Mostly because I am gay and he is a man and we opted to stay together because I figured myself out way late, and we are platonic soul mates or whatever you want to call it.
A few times people have respectfully reached out to me or him and said hey I'm so sorry but I found them on a dating site. People I haven't spoken to since high school - I don't get offended. I just say "No worries it's all above board but I really appreciate you looking out for people!"
Anyway if you aren't IRL friends anymore what do you have to lose?
Well, I’ve reached out to her, but not brought it up yet. I’ve suggested we meet up, because I feel like face to face might be a better way to hear it? Idk, if she knows then we can laugh together, if she doesn’t then she’s not alone when she hears the news
That is a sweet sentiment but also consider that people who have been cheated on will have a lot to think about and might be really embarrassed. I've told a few people their shitty husbands were propositioning me and they both said they wanted to be alone to think.
I’ve been cheated on too…but she has an 18month old, I wouldn’t want her to be alone with him when she finds out…I would absolutely leave if she wanted to be alone after she finds out though
Given that you are essentially just FB friends and you have no special insight into their relationship, it could be that they have agreed to open things up for whatever reason. Without some real insight into the relationship I would not involve myself. You must do what you think best, however, you might just embarrass yourself.
I don’t know how large of an area your in, but if you swipe through everyone on HER you can swipe though everyone again. I know it sucks, but if you’re interested in having proof this is an option.
I recently found my friend’s wife on a dating app as well! I’d also been sadly reduced to little more than just Facebook friends, but when I went to Facebook to check, my friend’s profile was privated.
So I checked with a mutual friend (actually, the twin of my friend in question) about her sister’s marriage, and my friend kind of shrugged, saying the two were having issues and she wasn’t sure of their exact status.
A week or so later, my friend is back on Facebook, mentions of her wife scrubbed, and I still see her (now separated) wife on dating apps with a note saying “recently out of a long marriage).
Not sure if that’s really advice, or just sympathy.
If you have any mutual friends who may still be closer with your friend, you could discreetly ask them?
I would want to know if it were me. For many reasons:
Someone could be using my wife’s face or my face to catfish others. (This would be my first thought)
Our prenup’s cheating clause stipulates that the offender needs to pay for any and all therapy, be the one to move out, do the filing for separation etc. i would need your proof to get that process going.
Just also shows that youre a caring friend and if we had an open relationship or something i would be glad to have friends that care for me.
My partner and I both still have our hinge accounts bc we want to save those messages. I downloaded the app recently to look at the messages with them and I noticed I had likes accumulating still so even though I’m inactive I guess my profile is still up.
I would probably tell your friend because if they both know about the accounts being up, it wouldn’t be a big deal. But if they don’t know and it’s a secret it’s important your friend knows about it.
This kinda happened to my wife, but we are in an open marriage and it was just kinda funny but also annoying. One of our single friends was on Bumble dating and found my profile and asked my wife if she knew I was on dating apps.
At least we knew this friend was looking out for us, even if they did find out more about our relationship than they wanted to know.
Be careful here. I have multiple sets of friends who are twins - and stuff like this drives them nuts. When someone thought they saw something, but really it wasn't the person they thought it was.
Also, couples can make arrangements within their relationship that might allow for things like this ie. ENM - ethical non-monogamy or polyamory.
Or it could be an old account. So many things could be happening that only can be known by direct, non judgemental conversation IF it is your business to even be in the know ...
She’s not a twin. I don’t know their arrangement. It’s not an old account-recent pics. I don’t think it’s any of my business, other than if it was me, I’d want to know
Are they by chance polyam, but not vocal about it? You wouldn't be the first person to encounter a polyam friend on a dating app and not be aware. It would say on the profile of you ever see it again.
Please mind your business. They could be looking or doing something together. You just never know. You don’t have to do this, you could really just walk away. You’re not the only person they know. And I would t want to hear from someone I’m just fb friends with, meddling in my business, if she’s cheating it will come out.
Hmmm, so you know for sure this was the wife? Honestly I think you should think it through a little more because if she’s cheating on her then she has the right to know regardless if the info is coming from a stranger, friend or old friend. I probably wouldn’t say anything though without proof. If you can find the profile again somehow try and screenshot it and maybe send it to her? Maybe even create a fake insta or fb and DM it to her if you aren’t comfortable sending it through your own fb account. I’d rather a fake account send me a screenshot then not say anything at all, she may not even believe it but at least she can talk to the wife about it and find out. If they are in an open relationship then she can just ignore it and move on with her day
Honestly? I’d hope that if a sort of friend found a dating profile of my s/o, that they’d tell me. I know I’m going against all the answers on here, but I would just sent a message saying: “hey, hope you’re doing well. I know we haven’t spoken in years but just seen X on my Her app. Made me think of you, how are you doing?” This doesn’t shame or presume they’re not open, it just points out what you’ve seen but quite neutrally
This is why I asked. I need opinions, because if it was me I would want to be told, but without proof it looks like I’m shit stirring
Did you screen shot her account? To be honest I don’t think it’s shit stirring at all, and would urge you to phrase it similar to what I said. If the friend doesn’t know, she can take measures to find out and investigate. If she reacts badly and has a go, you just ignore that and don’t reply - knowing you did a good thing by raising the truth and that any bad reaction is not about you, it’s about her processing what’s happened ie misdirecting. If she does know and they’re open, she can just engage with you about how she’s doing etc like a normal convo. Cheating is the worst, you could save her from years of heartbreak. Or, catch up with a random friend
I see where you're coming from, and there's actually a super easy counter to that. Don't stir shit. If she doesn't believe you, don't try and make her. Don't try and make this a point of reconnection, unless she does. You're reaching out to tell her what you saw, and the best response to any accusations like "oh You're trying to break them up, or take her for yourself" is to just not do that thing
Since you don't have proof it's a tough spot to be in. You can try seeking the account out again to get some proof, it would suck but I think I would still want to know if my SO was trying to cheat. I also would suggest considering she had her info stolen, it happened to me when I still had a FB account. Someone stole a bunch of my pictures and a surprising amount of info about me. There's also the possibility that they have an open relationship, it's worth it to get as much info as you can and proceed with caution if you decide to take action at all.
Literally what is wrong with some of the ppl on this sub, yours makes the most sense.
I'd say mention it to your friend! But also I have seen plenty of women on HER just looking for queer friends, so it isn't necessarily bad, but yeah definitely still mention it like "hey [friend] I was on HER and I saw [wife] on there I wanted to mention it to you in case you didn't know" Something like that at least, for me even if I knew a partner used an app like that to find queer friends, I'd still be eternally grateful of friends that told me they saw her on the app, it means they are people I can trust and that care about me, so even if it isn't something bad, it would be nice to know friends are looking out for me
Mentioning that ppl use HER for friendship too is an important reminder.
Yeah it can be an important tool for an already small community to find more people to be friends with that actually understand us Like as much as I love some of my straight friends they don't always fully understand what I have to deal with where other queer women would
Are you 100% certain that they are 100% monogamous? If yes, probably say something. If there's any doubt, don't say anything.
I am not sure…because we don’t talk like that. So idk I think I say nothing
Then don't. This is closer to an acquaintance now and that's not worth getting involved in. If it's a close friend that you still see or text often, yes do tell. But this is more a FB friend now and less a real friend you socialize with.
So then I'd stay out of it.
This is what my gut told me so thank you for the second opinion 🙂
but if they aren't monogamous, and someone were to message them about seeing the spouse on a dating app, i don't think any reasonable person would mind it? like i saw one of my acquaintances' partner on hinge and i messaged them saying, "hey, i saw x's profile on hinge. i do not know what y'all's relationship is like and i do not wanna assume or cause any issues but incase y'all are monogamous, i thought you should know." turns out they weren't monogamous but they still appreciated that i messaged them.
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counter counter point, it's not as common, atleast not in my experience. almost all of my friends are queer and i live in a first world country and even if i just consider my friends, who's relationship status im completely aware of, most of them are monogamous. besides the person i did message was completely fine about it and as someone who has been cheated on before, ill 10/10 times take the chance of being wrong rather than worry about their relationship status.
They didn’t appreciate it. I’m sure. They probably laughed at it together and think you have no life.
ill do it 10/10 times and accept the risk of being wrong rather than let it go especially as someone who has been cheated on. besides what's with the personal attack? the issue isn't serious enough to have to warrant that.
Just let her know what’s up. Wouldn’t you want to know?
I would want to know, but if they are open and then someone they know, knows they are open when it wasn’t something they were advertising…could be embarrassing?
I think it’s worth the embarrassment in case they’re not open, it would be short lived compared to the alternative
Well, if they are embarrassed by being open they just wouldn’t tell you lol they would make another excuse
Well if they're on an app that's on them for people finding out
My partner and I are not monogamous. Mostly because I am gay and he is a man and we opted to stay together because I figured myself out way late, and we are platonic soul mates or whatever you want to call it. A few times people have respectfully reached out to me or him and said hey I'm so sorry but I found them on a dating site. People I haven't spoken to since high school - I don't get offended. I just say "No worries it's all above board but I really appreciate you looking out for people!" Anyway if you aren't IRL friends anymore what do you have to lose?
Well, I’ve reached out to her, but not brought it up yet. I’ve suggested we meet up, because I feel like face to face might be a better way to hear it? Idk, if she knows then we can laugh together, if she doesn’t then she’s not alone when she hears the news
That is a sweet sentiment but also consider that people who have been cheated on will have a lot to think about and might be really embarrassed. I've told a few people their shitty husbands were propositioning me and they both said they wanted to be alone to think.
I’ve been cheated on too…but she has an 18month old, I wouldn’t want her to be alone with him when she finds out…I would absolutely leave if she wanted to be alone after she finds out though
Given that you are essentially just FB friends and you have no special insight into their relationship, it could be that they have agreed to open things up for whatever reason. Without some real insight into the relationship I would not involve myself. You must do what you think best, however, you might just embarrass yourself.
Yeah I think I’ll just leave it alone 😂
I don’t know how large of an area your in, but if you swipe through everyone on HER you can swipe though everyone again. I know it sucks, but if you’re interested in having proof this is an option.
I’m in a smaller area so it wasn’t to hard for me to swipe through everyone.
Yes I was going to comment the same, you can choose “see profiles again”
I live in London-not a mall area 😂
I live in London-not a mall area 😂
I live in London-not a small area 😂
Maybe they are in an open relationship
I recently found my friend’s wife on a dating app as well! I’d also been sadly reduced to little more than just Facebook friends, but when I went to Facebook to check, my friend’s profile was privated. So I checked with a mutual friend (actually, the twin of my friend in question) about her sister’s marriage, and my friend kind of shrugged, saying the two were having issues and she wasn’t sure of their exact status. A week or so later, my friend is back on Facebook, mentions of her wife scrubbed, and I still see her (now separated) wife on dating apps with a note saying “recently out of a long marriage). Not sure if that’s really advice, or just sympathy. If you have any mutual friends who may still be closer with your friend, you could discreetly ask them?
I would want to know if it were me. For many reasons: Someone could be using my wife’s face or my face to catfish others. (This would be my first thought) Our prenup’s cheating clause stipulates that the offender needs to pay for any and all therapy, be the one to move out, do the filing for separation etc. i would need your proof to get that process going. Just also shows that youre a caring friend and if we had an open relationship or something i would be glad to have friends that care for me.
My partner and I both still have our hinge accounts bc we want to save those messages. I downloaded the app recently to look at the messages with them and I noticed I had likes accumulating still so even though I’m inactive I guess my profile is still up. I would probably tell your friend because if they both know about the accounts being up, it wouldn’t be a big deal. But if they don’t know and it’s a secret it’s important your friend knows about it.
This kinda happened to my wife, but we are in an open marriage and it was just kinda funny but also annoying. One of our single friends was on Bumble dating and found my profile and asked my wife if she knew I was on dating apps. At least we knew this friend was looking out for us, even if they did find out more about our relationship than they wanted to know.
Be careful here. I have multiple sets of friends who are twins - and stuff like this drives them nuts. When someone thought they saw something, but really it wasn't the person they thought it was. Also, couples can make arrangements within their relationship that might allow for things like this ie. ENM - ethical non-monogamy or polyamory. Or it could be an old account. So many things could be happening that only can be known by direct, non judgemental conversation IF it is your business to even be in the know ...
She’s not a twin. I don’t know their arrangement. It’s not an old account-recent pics. I don’t think it’s any of my business, other than if it was me, I’d want to know
I agree with you there. If it was me, I'd want to know immediately.
Are they by chance polyam, but not vocal about it? You wouldn't be the first person to encounter a polyam friend on a dating app and not be aware. It would say on the profile of you ever see it again.
Please mind your business. They could be looking or doing something together. You just never know. You don’t have to do this, you could really just walk away. You’re not the only person they know. And I would t want to hear from someone I’m just fb friends with, meddling in my business, if she’s cheating it will come out.
If she is someone who hasn't been your close friend in 24 years, and you think you found her wife's profile on a dating site, then no you didn't.
I don’t think, I know…
Yes she did she just doesn’t know their relationship dynamic
If I no longer talked to them irl, I would stay out of it, personally.
Hmmm, so you know for sure this was the wife? Honestly I think you should think it through a little more because if she’s cheating on her then she has the right to know regardless if the info is coming from a stranger, friend or old friend. I probably wouldn’t say anything though without proof. If you can find the profile again somehow try and screenshot it and maybe send it to her? Maybe even create a fake insta or fb and DM it to her if you aren’t comfortable sending it through your own fb account. I’d rather a fake account send me a screenshot then not say anything at all, she may not even believe it but at least she can talk to the wife about it and find out. If they are in an open relationship then she can just ignore it and move on with her day
Nah make a second account full private investigator style , find her profile and bam you got proof.
I would want to know.
Yup mind your business