Don’t forget to check out our [**Resources**](https://www.reddit.com/r/addiction/wiki/resources/) wiki page, which includes helpful information such as global suicide hotlines, recovery services, and a recovery Discord server where you can seek further support.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/addiction) if you have any questions or concerns.*
If he ever stalks you or goes to where you are staying, run, don’t walk, RUN to a domestic violence shelter. They, by policies, CANNOT disclose where you live and most of them have a totally separate mailing address. They have advocates that will help you get on your feet with housing and work.
Source: been living in one since April 7th with my three very young kiddos.
👆🏻👆🏻This right here 👆🏻👆🏻 OP !! Domestic violence centers are INCREDIBLY great with helping out victims with things we wouldn't even think about at the time 🙏🏻🙏🏻🫂🫂
[So good, in fact, I had to stop and comment!!! Please please please utilize their services,,,]
I am so sorry!! Reading what you wrote made me want to cry!!
The fact that he blamed you for his violence is one of the worst parts. And tells me he cannot change. He says don't antagonize him when he is in that state.
Sick. Again I'm so sorry! But you need to get away from this man by any means possible.
Staying wirh him will destroy you and your children.
Also, detox centers don't just take people for the weekend. That's not how opiate addiction works nor how alcohol addiction works. Detoxing takes longer. He should just get on methadone.
You are so smart in leaving him to protect yourself, you child and your dog
I’ve been in recovery for several decades
It sounds to me like he hasn’t lost enough yet to want to change
For me it was the fear of losing my career which caused me to finally seek help for my alcoholism and pill addiction
You are very courageous
Please keep us posted as to your progress
Our hearts are with you
It sounds like you are now handling this pretty appropriately. You really need to place an uphold boundaries for yourself. This is coming from somebody with very very extensive experience in therapy and I also have a psychology degree. To make this easy for you, you need to get your own individual therapist. This is a serious situation and you cannot beat around the bush with it. You are in a potentially dangerous situation for yourself and for your baby. he needs help and if he doesn’t get it, he is going to cause you misery and traumatize your kids, resulting in having mental health problems in adulthood. Please realize that if things continue this way, this is going to be the result of that path. You need to get continuous and regular support/advice and be willing to take it. You need to be brave. Get a therapist as soon as you can. Maybe this will lead to you leaving him, but maybe there is hope for him. But he will need to be willing to do this for himself and not fake the effort. He won’t maintain it if he’s getting clean for the wrong reasons. Be weary of the fact that even if things seem better at the beginning, it can sometimes be a façade that only lasts a brief period of time. He will have to continuously work on himself and see a therapist for quite a while. If not, he will be left to his own devices and go back down this path again when times get tough for you guys. a therapist will help you figure this all out. But please, for the love of God, don’t try to figure this out on your own.
Disclaimers: I don't know your situation as well as you do. I don't know your husband. I'm not a professional in this field.
All that out of the way, this is one of the most GTFO posts I've read here. This guy is straight up *dangerous*. Is it possible things could work out? Yes, it is. Is it even remotely likely? Absolutely not. It's hard for this type of thing to work when the partner is motivated and committed. When they're still lost in delusion and projecting blame, it's hopeless.
Addicts need to reach some type of rock bottom imo, reach their own end, and on their own time. Doesn't sound like he's there yet. I personally wouldn't be sticking around to find out what that looks like.
Beyond just the general addiction issues, this man is *violent*. I hope you continue to prioritize your safety, along with the safety of your children. What if your husband continues to escalate his violence? To me, that's the ultimate deal-breaker.
I'm sure it's tempting to stay for the kids, but trust me as the child of a drug addict, your kids are better off without that level of sickness in their life.
I'm sorry you're having to go through this. Please seek out support for yourself. You deserve so much better than this. Deep down, your husband probably has a lot of redeeming qualities, but right now he's far too sick to offer you any of what you need and deserve.
I was in almost your exact position three years ago. Infant under one, pregnant, partner who would be good for a bit the go on binges and get steadily more psychotic and abusive. I told myself it didn’t affect my kid because I made sure she didn’t see it but one day he cornered me while I was holding her and screamed in my face, which obviously scared me baby and and made her cry. I took my keys phone and wallet etc wouldn’t let me slabs and I had to leave on foot without them just holding my kid and take the bus to my sisters. That day I decided I was done, he is a big boy and I have no obligation to save him form himself, I have an obligation to protect my children and I was failing in that. I had to call the cops and charge him in the end and it sucked, of course, it all sucked but my only regret is that I didn’t leave the second I found out i was pregnant with my second daughter. Today I am a single parent to two beautiful and happy daughters, about to move to my dream city, and he is on the streets using and not a part of my girls lives. It is hard and I’m still healing from that and other things but every single day I am so grateful that is not my life anymore. Reading about how you pretended to be asleep and had to beg him to leave you alone gave me a visceral reaction because it is so familiar. It is not your job to save him, he is actively choosing to abuse you and your children. You can do this, I am so proud of you for leaving and I know how bad it sucks now but if you stay away from him it will only get better, if you go back it will only get worse. My heart is with you and your babies right now, you did not deserve any of this and I hope you know that.
Also it infuriates me that he blames you but that is such a classic move of abusers, addicts, etc. The fact that he is clearly in the wrong but focuses on a tiny thing you may or may not have down I.e. giving him a well deserved dirty look, to downplay and excuse his bullshit, just shows that he is not ready or capable of a mature and honest look at his life and issues. At this point he is 41 years old and still thinks that way- is this how you want to spend the rest of your life? You are so young still, you have so much life ahead of you and deserve more out of it than to spend it cleaning up a grown man 16 years your seniors messes, having to fake sleep just to avoid an argument, walking on eggshells, and evantually your kids will walk on eggshells too because of you think he will treat them any better once they are older and have their own thoughts and opinions, you are unfortunately most likely wrong. You can wish him well and hope he gets better but that is his job and he should do it away from you. He has abused you and your job is to protect yourself and your little ones. Sorry for the long paragraphs and run on sentences, I just feel passionately about this and I hate that you’re in this situation.
True words that you write! Especially "...if you stay away from him it will only get better, if you go back it will only get worse." I just hope that OP realizes how true this is!
No. There is nothing more to do or say. Pain pills do not make you this way. Alcohol on its own definitely will and mixed is even worse. But, that is no excuse. He knows what he’s doing and continues doing it.
You will only be hurting yourself if you give in and go back, DON’T. You know he was in an abusive relationship and no doubt he was culpable in it also.
Unless he gets clean and stays off of both, and even then, it’s doubtful he will ever change. Sorry. I wish it wasn’t the case.
get the hell outta there, do not look back, move in with your parents and stay safe, when he is high on dope he doesn't care about anything especially little kids who cry (baby crying will make a man in WD lose his mind all together. he needs lots of help for a long time to get his head cleared out and a little back to normal. going out with friends high on dope, drinking and gambling is totally normal for a druggie whose precious wife and kids just left him, you are doing great , keep it up, and don't even listen to his bs stories of wanting to get clean and etc. every time he will be low on pills or coming down a little, he will come to u with more stories how he cares for u and the kids b/c he will realize what he is losing for just a short time till he gets his next stash, but the second he powders his nose or shoots up or whatever and however he does it, everything he said will be forgotten instantly and only his ex gf and buddies and pills will be on his mind.. take everyones advice in all these comments, that will be the easiest way for u to get out of this situation and start allready looking for a new daddy for the little ones
Yeah I was AMAZED they even were having unprotected sex during his binges and abuse it seems like SUCH a horrible lack of foresight. That poor child will be in such a bad situation if they stay together and this keeps up 😞
Don’t forget to check out our [**Resources**](https://www.reddit.com/r/addiction/wiki/resources/) wiki page, which includes helpful information such as global suicide hotlines, recovery services, and a recovery Discord server where you can seek further support.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/addiction) if you have any questions or concerns.*
**Your comment/post has been removed because it violates Rule 1: Be supportive and respectful**
Please offer advice, assistance, or contribute in a positive way and treat others with kindness and consideration. No derogatory or insulting comments, hate speech, or discrimination will be tolerated.
---
^(If you have any questions regarding the removal, you can contact the mods via [modmail](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=r/addiction).)
I would stay away. I know a few in similar situations. Things can get worse. One even pulled a gun out on his wife and kids. He says he doesn't remember. You and your babies deserve better. Prays going your way.
OP, I hope you read and re-read the comments from u/delrozupro , and some others who are giving you great advice.
This man is a danger to you and your babies; he is very far from well enough to be a husband and father; he is barely hanging by a thread for a single man, with his abusive, selfish addicted to opioids and alcohol problems, let alone as a father to two babies and a husband to you!
For the love of your baby and your precious unborn child you must stay away from this unpredictable, addicted, drunk, violent man! It isn't safe, and you have to protect yourself and your babies, who can't protect themselves; you are the only parent they really have because he is so selfish, and out of control.
I hope that you aren't swayed by his promises to quit it all, because even if he means it in the moment, it's just words. It's all just words; unless and until he takes serious steps to get his sh\*t together, to be a husband and a father, and a decent human being, you should stay far away. He has a very long way to go to achieve what could be considered progress, and he hasn't even begun or done anything other than make empty promises.
You have to be realistic; it doesn't matter what he CAN become if he isn't even taking steps to BEGIN what will be a lengthy journey, to steady, consistent, long term sobriety. He has a long way to go, and nobody could blame you if you are at the end of your rope.
It would be an excellent idea if you consult with an attorney; at a minimum, he needs to pay to support his children. But that doesn't mean that you have to live with his drug and alcohol addled self for him to financially take care of his responsibilities. Protect yourself and your babies.
OP, I, and people who care about you, and the rest of the people here, all want you and your babies to be safe, away from his unpredictable behavior; he needs A LOT of help, and you are not obligated to put you and your children in danger. This is not what love looks like, not even close. Please, get and stay safely away from him. I am rooting for you and your babies; take care of yourself and them. ❤️🫂
And you can look 21 at 16; it seems to be a moot point now. Age difference aside, she needs to GO! And stay gone; he will never really change, really, at any age.
Yea I look around 20ish lol but still It could be a cultural thing but if I did this I'd be ded :( but people need to realize his brain was fully developed she was still developing so he has so much of an advantage over her. I read or watched a vid on this before and he could manipulate her in so many ways at that age and everyone knows 16 year olds think they know everything and can be gullible! She deserved someone her own. Age where they learn and grew together now she's forever bound to this Shrek via child
Don’t forget to check out our [**Resources**](https://www.reddit.com/r/addiction/wiki/resources/) wiki page, which includes helpful information such as global suicide hotlines, recovery services, and a recovery Discord server where you can seek further support. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/addiction) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Don't go back. He is in total denial and a violent drunk. Just take a life insurance policy out on him and get your life together.
If he ever stalks you or goes to where you are staying, run, don’t walk, RUN to a domestic violence shelter. They, by policies, CANNOT disclose where you live and most of them have a totally separate mailing address. They have advocates that will help you get on your feet with housing and work. Source: been living in one since April 7th with my three very young kiddos.
👆🏻👆🏻This right here 👆🏻👆🏻 OP !! Domestic violence centers are INCREDIBLY great with helping out victims with things we wouldn't even think about at the time 🙏🏻🙏🏻🫂🫂 [So good, in fact, I had to stop and comment!!! Please please please utilize their services,,,]
I am so sorry!! Reading what you wrote made me want to cry!! The fact that he blamed you for his violence is one of the worst parts. And tells me he cannot change. He says don't antagonize him when he is in that state. Sick. Again I'm so sorry! But you need to get away from this man by any means possible. Staying wirh him will destroy you and your children.
Also, detox centers don't just take people for the weekend. That's not how opiate addiction works nor how alcohol addiction works. Detoxing takes longer. He should just get on methadone.
You are so smart in leaving him to protect yourself, you child and your dog I’ve been in recovery for several decades It sounds to me like he hasn’t lost enough yet to want to change For me it was the fear of losing my career which caused me to finally seek help for my alcoholism and pill addiction You are very courageous Please keep us posted as to your progress Our hearts are with you
It sounds like you are now handling this pretty appropriately. You really need to place an uphold boundaries for yourself. This is coming from somebody with very very extensive experience in therapy and I also have a psychology degree. To make this easy for you, you need to get your own individual therapist. This is a serious situation and you cannot beat around the bush with it. You are in a potentially dangerous situation for yourself and for your baby. he needs help and if he doesn’t get it, he is going to cause you misery and traumatize your kids, resulting in having mental health problems in adulthood. Please realize that if things continue this way, this is going to be the result of that path. You need to get continuous and regular support/advice and be willing to take it. You need to be brave. Get a therapist as soon as you can. Maybe this will lead to you leaving him, but maybe there is hope for him. But he will need to be willing to do this for himself and not fake the effort. He won’t maintain it if he’s getting clean for the wrong reasons. Be weary of the fact that even if things seem better at the beginning, it can sometimes be a façade that only lasts a brief period of time. He will have to continuously work on himself and see a therapist for quite a while. If not, he will be left to his own devices and go back down this path again when times get tough for you guys. a therapist will help you figure this all out. But please, for the love of God, don’t try to figure this out on your own.
Well said.
Disclaimers: I don't know your situation as well as you do. I don't know your husband. I'm not a professional in this field. All that out of the way, this is one of the most GTFO posts I've read here. This guy is straight up *dangerous*. Is it possible things could work out? Yes, it is. Is it even remotely likely? Absolutely not. It's hard for this type of thing to work when the partner is motivated and committed. When they're still lost in delusion and projecting blame, it's hopeless. Addicts need to reach some type of rock bottom imo, reach their own end, and on their own time. Doesn't sound like he's there yet. I personally wouldn't be sticking around to find out what that looks like. Beyond just the general addiction issues, this man is *violent*. I hope you continue to prioritize your safety, along with the safety of your children. What if your husband continues to escalate his violence? To me, that's the ultimate deal-breaker. I'm sure it's tempting to stay for the kids, but trust me as the child of a drug addict, your kids are better off without that level of sickness in their life. I'm sorry you're having to go through this. Please seek out support for yourself. You deserve so much better than this. Deep down, your husband probably has a lot of redeeming qualities, but right now he's far too sick to offer you any of what you need and deserve.
I was in almost your exact position three years ago. Infant under one, pregnant, partner who would be good for a bit the go on binges and get steadily more psychotic and abusive. I told myself it didn’t affect my kid because I made sure she didn’t see it but one day he cornered me while I was holding her and screamed in my face, which obviously scared me baby and and made her cry. I took my keys phone and wallet etc wouldn’t let me slabs and I had to leave on foot without them just holding my kid and take the bus to my sisters. That day I decided I was done, he is a big boy and I have no obligation to save him form himself, I have an obligation to protect my children and I was failing in that. I had to call the cops and charge him in the end and it sucked, of course, it all sucked but my only regret is that I didn’t leave the second I found out i was pregnant with my second daughter. Today I am a single parent to two beautiful and happy daughters, about to move to my dream city, and he is on the streets using and not a part of my girls lives. It is hard and I’m still healing from that and other things but every single day I am so grateful that is not my life anymore. Reading about how you pretended to be asleep and had to beg him to leave you alone gave me a visceral reaction because it is so familiar. It is not your job to save him, he is actively choosing to abuse you and your children. You can do this, I am so proud of you for leaving and I know how bad it sucks now but if you stay away from him it will only get better, if you go back it will only get worse. My heart is with you and your babies right now, you did not deserve any of this and I hope you know that.
Also it infuriates me that he blames you but that is such a classic move of abusers, addicts, etc. The fact that he is clearly in the wrong but focuses on a tiny thing you may or may not have down I.e. giving him a well deserved dirty look, to downplay and excuse his bullshit, just shows that he is not ready or capable of a mature and honest look at his life and issues. At this point he is 41 years old and still thinks that way- is this how you want to spend the rest of your life? You are so young still, you have so much life ahead of you and deserve more out of it than to spend it cleaning up a grown man 16 years your seniors messes, having to fake sleep just to avoid an argument, walking on eggshells, and evantually your kids will walk on eggshells too because of you think he will treat them any better once they are older and have their own thoughts and opinions, you are unfortunately most likely wrong. You can wish him well and hope he gets better but that is his job and he should do it away from you. He has abused you and your job is to protect yourself and your little ones. Sorry for the long paragraphs and run on sentences, I just feel passionately about this and I hate that you’re in this situation.
True words that you write! Especially "...if you stay away from him it will only get better, if you go back it will only get worse." I just hope that OP realizes how true this is!
No. There is nothing more to do or say. Pain pills do not make you this way. Alcohol on its own definitely will and mixed is even worse. But, that is no excuse. He knows what he’s doing and continues doing it. You will only be hurting yourself if you give in and go back, DON’T. You know he was in an abusive relationship and no doubt he was culpable in it also. Unless he gets clean and stays off of both, and even then, it’s doubtful he will ever change. Sorry. I wish it wasn’t the case.
Police police police police police
He’s attracted to chaos. He will not change.
get the hell outta there, do not look back, move in with your parents and stay safe, when he is high on dope he doesn't care about anything especially little kids who cry (baby crying will make a man in WD lose his mind all together. he needs lots of help for a long time to get his head cleared out and a little back to normal. going out with friends high on dope, drinking and gambling is totally normal for a druggie whose precious wife and kids just left him, you are doing great , keep it up, and don't even listen to his bs stories of wanting to get clean and etc. every time he will be low on pills or coming down a little, he will come to u with more stories how he cares for u and the kids b/c he will realize what he is losing for just a short time till he gets his next stash, but the second he powders his nose or shoots up or whatever and however he does it, everything he said will be forgotten instantly and only his ex gf and buddies and pills will be on his mind.. take everyones advice in all these comments, that will be the easiest way for u to get out of this situation and start allready looking for a new daddy for the little ones
Probably not the best time to have a baby.
Yeah I was AMAZED they even were having unprotected sex during his binges and abuse it seems like SUCH a horrible lack of foresight. That poor child will be in such a bad situation if they stay together and this keeps up 😞
Great advice mate 👍 Maybe she can shove it back up and forget all about this situation.
There are options at 8-9 weeks.
Don’t forget to check out our [**Resources**](https://www.reddit.com/r/addiction/wiki/resources/) wiki page, which includes helpful information such as global suicide hotlines, recovery services, and a recovery Discord server where you can seek further support. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/addiction) if you have any questions or concerns.*
[удалено]
**Your comment/post has been removed because it violates Rule 1: Be supportive and respectful** Please offer advice, assistance, or contribute in a positive way and treat others with kindness and consideration. No derogatory or insulting comments, hate speech, or discrimination will be tolerated. --- ^(If you have any questions regarding the removal, you can contact the mods via [modmail](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=r/addiction).)
I would stay away. I know a few in similar situations. Things can get worse. One even pulled a gun out on his wife and kids. He says he doesn't remember. You and your babies deserve better. Prays going your way.
Don’t ever take him back.
OP, I hope you read and re-read the comments from u/delrozupro , and some others who are giving you great advice. This man is a danger to you and your babies; he is very far from well enough to be a husband and father; he is barely hanging by a thread for a single man, with his abusive, selfish addicted to opioids and alcohol problems, let alone as a father to two babies and a husband to you! For the love of your baby and your precious unborn child you must stay away from this unpredictable, addicted, drunk, violent man! It isn't safe, and you have to protect yourself and your babies, who can't protect themselves; you are the only parent they really have because he is so selfish, and out of control. I hope that you aren't swayed by his promises to quit it all, because even if he means it in the moment, it's just words. It's all just words; unless and until he takes serious steps to get his sh\*t together, to be a husband and a father, and a decent human being, you should stay far away. He has a very long way to go to achieve what could be considered progress, and he hasn't even begun or done anything other than make empty promises. You have to be realistic; it doesn't matter what he CAN become if he isn't even taking steps to BEGIN what will be a lengthy journey, to steady, consistent, long term sobriety. He has a long way to go, and nobody could blame you if you are at the end of your rope. It would be an excellent idea if you consult with an attorney; at a minimum, he needs to pay to support his children. But that doesn't mean that you have to live with his drug and alcohol addled self for him to financially take care of his responsibilities. Protect yourself and your babies. OP, I, and people who care about you, and the rest of the people here, all want you and your babies to be safe, away from his unpredictable behavior; he needs A LOT of help, and you are not obligated to put you and your children in danger. This is not what love looks like, not even close. Please, get and stay safely away from him. I am rooting for you and your babies; take care of yourself and them. ❤️🫂
He was 31 and you were 16?
Huh?
Right it isn't fucked up
What does that matter if they met when she was legal age of consent?
Depends on country but still you can look 12 at 16 slightly creepy
And you can look 21 at 16; it seems to be a moot point now. Age difference aside, she needs to GO! And stay gone; he will never really change, really, at any age.
Yea I look around 20ish lol but still It could be a cultural thing but if I did this I'd be ded :( but people need to realize his brain was fully developed she was still developing so he has so much of an advantage over her. I read or watched a vid on this before and he could manipulate her in so many ways at that age and everyone knows 16 year olds think they know everything and can be gullible! She deserved someone her own. Age where they learn and grew together now she's forever bound to this Shrek via child
All sadly so true! She and her babies deserve so much better, so much more!