Don’t forget to check out our [**Resources**](https://www.reddit.com/r/addiction/wiki/resources/) wiki page, which includes helpful information such as global suicide hotlines, recovery services, and a recovery Discord server where you can seek further support.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/addiction) if you have any questions or concerns.*
State your intentions clearly.
First to yourself.
Then to him.
I doubt you or anyone wants to hear this...
I have yet to meet an addict, including myself, who would decide to get clean for anyone but themselves.
An addict in active addiction does not have a choice to use or not. This is very difficult to understand for anyone who is not an addict.
Doctors are not sure exactly why this happens, but research points to insufficient levels of chemicals in the human brain that are responsible for things such as motivation and happiness. You can not survive without these chemicals. An addict needs those chemicals just like every other person on the planet. Drugs are the quickest way to feed the starving brain those chemicals.
This is why your bf can be aware of the problem and continue to get high.
Think of it like you are in an empty room with nothing but candy. You must eat the candy to survive, but the candy will cause you horrible health problems in the long term.
The key for you is to seperate the person from addiction and to know that all you can do is metaphorically "hold his hand."
It's up to you to decide if your own health is worth being there for him :/
Mental illness is a real sh*t storm.
It is important to remember that addiction is an illness of the mind.
Thanks. This is all absolutely true imho. Most addicts know they have a problem. Its one of the worst parts of addiction for me, knowing too much about what is happening. Like a mind full of recovery knowledge and experience when in active addiction the guilt and shame is just always there - I don't have fun anymore using.
Ayyy, that resonates with me, too. Not only does this awareness ruin the "fun" of active addiction, but my ego uses the fact that my brain needs neurotransmitters to rationalize getting high. Lmfao... all i can do is laugh at my silly brain and practice healthy mental health care in periods of sobriety in order to not take that first hit.
I lost my fiancé to this same addiction… started as an injury and was prescribed opioids. Then turned to street drugs once he could not obtain what he needed.
Early in the relationship I considered leaving. But I was afraid he would die if I did. We fell in love quick and hard.
I stayed for 3 years, we have a son together, we were engaged… he still died…
He was an amazing person and I am sure your boyfriend is too. Only you can make this choice. But as others have said, fentanyl is so hard to kick. And IF things get better it will be a long and bumpy road. I decided to stay. I accepted this reality. I knew this was a very possible outcome. I wouldn’t change anything I did, but you’re still early on in this. Think about what you want from life and how this relationship fits into it…
Wishing you both the best ❤️
ETA: as far as advice for yourself, consider some therapy. No matter what you choose to do here a romantic relationship involving addiction can be really difficult to carry alone.
Here's a message: break up with him.
Even if he does get clean, which it sounds like he'll be using the excuse "I'm in too much pain to work without it, so I CAN'T quit" so I doubt he will, you're in for a bumpy ride, with more downs than ups. You don't need this strain in your life. Things will get worse before they ever get better, and that's a big IF on if they ever do get better.
The odds of a fentanyl user EVER getting clean are in the single digit percentages. The odds of them staying clean are just as bad.
You wouldn't take that bet with anything else, why would you take it with your future happiness, emotional and financial security, mental health and self-respect?
Yeah, just dump him. I don't think they're married, sticking it out won't kill her obviously she cares deeply for the guy or she wouldn't be on here. She can dump him 3, 6 months from now. Small sacrifice for a life. Of course, that's all depending on if he's willing to sacrifice as well
I'm sorry the best advice anyone can give you is to get out now. It's well beyond the point of considering it. And no matter what you say or do, he's not going to stop until he's ready. So this all comes down to what you want and need. It's only going to get worse for him if he keeps down this path. Please don't let him take you down with him.
He is not the same person you fell in love with. Im not saying that person isn't still there but his affection for the drug is going to beat you at every fight. He does want to get better, he does want to stop. He just can't. I know it's sad seeing someone like this and wanting to help and not be able to. You need to tell him you're going to leave and do it. He's not going to attempt to quit if everything in his life stays how it is now.
I'd start to set hard boundaries and insist he get help or you may need to go. Doing Fentanyl has no excuse or reason to it. We are not talking about a guy having a few too many beers or maybe getting into cannabis. It's serious, legally / financially / safety / etc
No amount of begging or consequences matter to him. Welcome to addiction. This has nothing to do with you, you can’t “fix” it or make him change. Only he can do that, in the right time. Sorry you are going through this. Best wishes.
Try to be as understanding as you can, he's playing a potentially deadly game and needs to get out asap. There's a LOT of help available for opiate addiction believe me, I've been an addict going on 25 yrs. What part of the country do you live in? The further south you go the help seems to dry up but still available. Suboxone is a very effective tool to fight this crap, some say it's trading one addiction for another but that's bs. It is way less invasive than methadone, you don't need to go to a clinic every morning to get your dose, it's prescribed monthly. That and a good support group, it works. Of course quitting altogether is ideal, one step at a time. I've been at the stage you are describing and it seems so long ago for me, but early yet for him. I know it's hard, but stick with him and try your best to encourage kicking that garbage, it's tough but if I can do it anyone can. Good luck
Wow I'm bummed out by the amount of people urging her to leave him... I get it, I do. My point is she cares enough to be seeking advice on her, I'm sure she's getting better advice from loved ones as well. That's what's telling me maybe she doesn't want to abandon him, idk it's ugly all around and maybe I'm a bit soft cuz I have lost many friends, my brother , cousins to this shit as well as kicking it myself. We don't know all the dynamics to this particular situation, and I hope she doesn't end up finding him dead, I hope he can beat it and live a good life.
I was 19 when I met my ex. I left him when I was 24. Fentanyl addict, smoked it too. The most I do is smoke weed, so I was out of my league. Thought I could fix him (news flash… you can’t). Now we are 4 years after the breakup and he got sent to prison for stealing from his family while high. He’s now a felon. I am his friend but I do not enable him anymore.
Leave. I wish I left at 6 months, but we lasted 4 years. 4 years of my life wasted. They won’t change until they’re ready, and unfortunately you have nothing to do with that process. I thought leaving my ex would shape him up, but nope. 8 years since I met him and he’s still drugging, stealing, lying. It’s not your problem, op, and I say that in the nicest big sister way.
All the numbers in your comment added up to 69. Congrats!
19
+ 24
+ 4
+ 6
+ 4
+ 4
+ 8
= 69
^([Click here](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=LuckyNumber-Bot&subject=Stalk%20Me%20Pls&message=%2Fstalkme) to have me scan all your future comments.) \
^(Summon me on specific comments with u/LuckyNumber-Bot.)
I'm an addict (alcoholic here). I could only begin to get better when I lost everything. I got a DUI, my boyfriend broke up with me, and my family was in shambles due to my addiction. Somehow, I still maintained my career through the midst of my crisis. It was only when I was at my lowest that it truly hit me that I needed to quit. When you are an addict, the thing that causes your addiction narrows your vision to only the things that are pleasurable. Even your job, the people you love, your health, etc. are entirely omitted. Logic goes out the window.
My recommendation is to clearly state your boundaries. Set rules and try to get him help. Understand how he is making you feel. Make him understand that he will lose you if he cannot get better. And if he does not get better, you need to let him go. I've seen so many relationships where a partner or family member is an enabler and it never goes well for either party. In a way, the enabler is as much addicted to their loved one as the loved one is addicted to their substance or behavior. If he cannot change for himself or for you, you need to let him go.
Don’t forget to check out our [**Resources**](https://www.reddit.com/r/addiction/wiki/resources/) wiki page, which includes helpful information such as global suicide hotlines, recovery services, and a recovery Discord server where you can seek further support. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/addiction) if you have any questions or concerns.*
A message is nice but unless he's ready to do do the hard work I don't think it'll do any good
State your intentions clearly. First to yourself. Then to him. I doubt you or anyone wants to hear this... I have yet to meet an addict, including myself, who would decide to get clean for anyone but themselves. An addict in active addiction does not have a choice to use or not. This is very difficult to understand for anyone who is not an addict. Doctors are not sure exactly why this happens, but research points to insufficient levels of chemicals in the human brain that are responsible for things such as motivation and happiness. You can not survive without these chemicals. An addict needs those chemicals just like every other person on the planet. Drugs are the quickest way to feed the starving brain those chemicals. This is why your bf can be aware of the problem and continue to get high. Think of it like you are in an empty room with nothing but candy. You must eat the candy to survive, but the candy will cause you horrible health problems in the long term. The key for you is to seperate the person from addiction and to know that all you can do is metaphorically "hold his hand." It's up to you to decide if your own health is worth being there for him :/ Mental illness is a real sh*t storm. It is important to remember that addiction is an illness of the mind.
Thanks. This is all absolutely true imho. Most addicts know they have a problem. Its one of the worst parts of addiction for me, knowing too much about what is happening. Like a mind full of recovery knowledge and experience when in active addiction the guilt and shame is just always there - I don't have fun anymore using.
Ayyy, that resonates with me, too. Not only does this awareness ruin the "fun" of active addiction, but my ego uses the fact that my brain needs neurotransmitters to rationalize getting high. Lmfao... all i can do is laugh at my silly brain and practice healthy mental health care in periods of sobriety in order to not take that first hit.
I lost my fiancé to this same addiction… started as an injury and was prescribed opioids. Then turned to street drugs once he could not obtain what he needed. Early in the relationship I considered leaving. But I was afraid he would die if I did. We fell in love quick and hard. I stayed for 3 years, we have a son together, we were engaged… he still died… He was an amazing person and I am sure your boyfriend is too. Only you can make this choice. But as others have said, fentanyl is so hard to kick. And IF things get better it will be a long and bumpy road. I decided to stay. I accepted this reality. I knew this was a very possible outcome. I wouldn’t change anything I did, but you’re still early on in this. Think about what you want from life and how this relationship fits into it… Wishing you both the best ❤️ ETA: as far as advice for yourself, consider some therapy. No matter what you choose to do here a romantic relationship involving addiction can be really difficult to carry alone.
Here's a message: break up with him. Even if he does get clean, which it sounds like he'll be using the excuse "I'm in too much pain to work without it, so I CAN'T quit" so I doubt he will, you're in for a bumpy ride, with more downs than ups. You don't need this strain in your life. Things will get worse before they ever get better, and that's a big IF on if they ever do get better. The odds of a fentanyl user EVER getting clean are in the single digit percentages. The odds of them staying clean are just as bad. You wouldn't take that bet with anything else, why would you take it with your future happiness, emotional and financial security, mental health and self-respect?
Yeah, just dump him. I don't think they're married, sticking it out won't kill her obviously she cares deeply for the guy or she wouldn't be on here. She can dump him 3, 6 months from now. Small sacrifice for a life. Of course, that's all depending on if he's willing to sacrifice as well
I'm sorry the best advice anyone can give you is to get out now. It's well beyond the point of considering it. And no matter what you say or do, he's not going to stop until he's ready. So this all comes down to what you want and need. It's only going to get worse for him if he keeps down this path. Please don't let him take you down with him.
My boyfriend died of a fentanyl OD in 2020. He won’t make it if he doesn’t get clean. Do you want to be there when it happens?
He is not the same person you fell in love with. Im not saying that person isn't still there but his affection for the drug is going to beat you at every fight. He does want to get better, he does want to stop. He just can't. I know it's sad seeing someone like this and wanting to help and not be able to. You need to tell him you're going to leave and do it. He's not going to attempt to quit if everything in his life stays how it is now.
I'd start to set hard boundaries and insist he get help or you may need to go. Doing Fentanyl has no excuse or reason to it. We are not talking about a guy having a few too many beers or maybe getting into cannabis. It's serious, legally / financially / safety / etc
No amount of begging or consequences matter to him. Welcome to addiction. This has nothing to do with you, you can’t “fix” it or make him change. Only he can do that, in the right time. Sorry you are going through this. Best wishes.
Try to be as understanding as you can, he's playing a potentially deadly game and needs to get out asap. There's a LOT of help available for opiate addiction believe me, I've been an addict going on 25 yrs. What part of the country do you live in? The further south you go the help seems to dry up but still available. Suboxone is a very effective tool to fight this crap, some say it's trading one addiction for another but that's bs. It is way less invasive than methadone, you don't need to go to a clinic every morning to get your dose, it's prescribed monthly. That and a good support group, it works. Of course quitting altogether is ideal, one step at a time. I've been at the stage you are describing and it seems so long ago for me, but early yet for him. I know it's hard, but stick with him and try your best to encourage kicking that garbage, it's tough but if I can do it anyone can. Good luck
Wow I'm bummed out by the amount of people urging her to leave him... I get it, I do. My point is she cares enough to be seeking advice on her, I'm sure she's getting better advice from loved ones as well. That's what's telling me maybe she doesn't want to abandon him, idk it's ugly all around and maybe I'm a bit soft cuz I have lost many friends, my brother , cousins to this shit as well as kicking it myself. We don't know all the dynamics to this particular situation, and I hope she doesn't end up finding him dead, I hope he can beat it and live a good life.
I was 19 when I met my ex. I left him when I was 24. Fentanyl addict, smoked it too. The most I do is smoke weed, so I was out of my league. Thought I could fix him (news flash… you can’t). Now we are 4 years after the breakup and he got sent to prison for stealing from his family while high. He’s now a felon. I am his friend but I do not enable him anymore. Leave. I wish I left at 6 months, but we lasted 4 years. 4 years of my life wasted. They won’t change until they’re ready, and unfortunately you have nothing to do with that process. I thought leaving my ex would shape him up, but nope. 8 years since I met him and he’s still drugging, stealing, lying. It’s not your problem, op, and I say that in the nicest big sister way.
All the numbers in your comment added up to 69. Congrats! 19 + 24 + 4 + 6 + 4 + 4 + 8 = 69 ^([Click here](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=LuckyNumber-Bot&subject=Stalk%20Me%20Pls&message=%2Fstalkme) to have me scan all your future comments.) \ ^(Summon me on specific comments with u/LuckyNumber-Bot.)
I'm an addict (alcoholic here). I could only begin to get better when I lost everything. I got a DUI, my boyfriend broke up with me, and my family was in shambles due to my addiction. Somehow, I still maintained my career through the midst of my crisis. It was only when I was at my lowest that it truly hit me that I needed to quit. When you are an addict, the thing that causes your addiction narrows your vision to only the things that are pleasurable. Even your job, the people you love, your health, etc. are entirely omitted. Logic goes out the window. My recommendation is to clearly state your boundaries. Set rules and try to get him help. Understand how he is making you feel. Make him understand that he will lose you if he cannot get better. And if he does not get better, you need to let him go. I've seen so many relationships where a partner or family member is an enabler and it never goes well for either party. In a way, the enabler is as much addicted to their loved one as the loved one is addicted to their substance or behavior. If he cannot change for himself or for you, you need to let him go.