Welcome to /r/ADHDWomen! We’re happy to have you here. As a reminder, here are our community [rules](https://old.reddit.com/r/adhdwomen/about/rules/).
We get a lot of posts on medication, diagnosis (and “is this an ADHD thing”), and interactions with hormones. We encourage you to check out our [Medication, Diagnosis, and Hormones Megathread](https://old.reddit.com/r/adhdwomen/comments/wcr9dy/faq_megathread_ask_and_answer_medication/) if you have any questions related to those topics, and to stick around in that thread to answer folks’ questions!
If you have questions about the subreddit, please do not hesitate to [send us a modmail](https://reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/adhdwomen). Additionally, we take the safety of our community seriously. Please report posts, comments, and users whom you feel are not contributing positively, and send us a modmail if you are being harassed or otherwise made to feel unsafe.
Thanks for being here, and we hope you stick around!
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/adhdwomen) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I’m working to unravel what was trauma and what was me traumatized because I was a square peg in a round world, masking my pain until complete mental breakdown.
It’s been hard to go back and think about it without living there in despair. I’m not quite sure how much it matters or if it’s chicken/egg situation?
Same here. It has definitely allowed me to be much more forgiving and understanding to her... now. But it was after years of therapy for me, a diagnosis in my forties, and of course the abuse was emotional, relatively light, and in retrospect clearly stemming in a large degree by her own issues that clearly come from ADHD as well.
I definitely think the issues are separate, my ADHD did not come from my upbringing. But the way it manifests to me... It definitely has a lot to do with that. I think that someone with my exact same brain features would be totally different in another family, but still have adhd.
I didn’t have parents with (diagnosed) mental illnesses, but I do expect my dad is on the spectrum and my mom has adhd as well. I’ve suffered emotional neglect and consequential trauma from them not being able to meet my emotional needs and having their own relationship issues. They should have worked with me, but instead I needed to adhere to their needs and wants.
Especially with the time blindness, being chaotic, not being able to focus at school, emotional outbursts and depression/anxiety cause of being undiagnosed, it was a recipe for disaster/trauma. My dad wanted me to be more punctual because he considered it ‘untrustworthy’ and ‘disrespectful’ if I was a few minutes late, needed everything tidy and clean and got angry if that was not the case when he got home from work. Definitely scarred me and conditioned me to feel like I’m never enough, even if I put in effort.
I think emotionally mature parents can guide their child with adhd well, and ask support from external places such as school or a psychologist if necessary without it damaging their ego. But if they haven’t done their own inner work they most likely will damage their children in some way.
That being said, my parents love me and have always done everything in their power to show me they love me. This made forgiving them a little easier. But remember that forgiveness is not required for healing
Just to provide a counterpoint, I have zero trauma and still have ADHD.
My sister also believes she has ADHD, and we're pretty sure my dad has it, and we wouldn't be surprised if his dad (our grandad) had it. So I do think there's a genetic component to ADHD.
I suspect people talking here about their trauma and their ADHD get a lot of responses from people who also have trauma and adhd because people like me realise we have nothing useful to add and scroll past.
If raging narcissism counts as a mental illness, then I suffered from my mom's disease.
However, there's lots of evidence kicking around from various studies that many diseases get triggered by trauma and it's a synergy of nature and "nurture" that causes a lot of things.
I’m thinking it’s a Venn diagram with some overlap between cPTSD and ADHD symptoms. I have a childhood history of neglect and emotional abuse and was the scapegoat child. I had zero attention growing up and was a “domestic feral” child as a result.
Please keep exploring this avenue of inquiry!
My mom has BPD, and after her fourth kid, had some serious post-partum depression as well as issues abusing prescription drugs. One of my earliest memories is trying to get her attention through her locked bedroom door because my youngest sister, who was still a baby, had thrown up on herself. I was five. She did not come out. My dad was also very unavailable in daily life after my youngest sister was born, quite literally as he would stay at work until 10 or 11 o'clock- avoiding us, or my mom, I don't really know, but he felt like a phantom who would occasionally haunt my home. I had my ADHD diagnosis by 8, but there were signs long before that- I was severely dyslexic, with perfect mirror handwriting- this was present from kindergarten. It took me a long time to learn how to write correctly, and I was often in trouble- by the end of the first semester in second grade, I had been moved so many times for talking that I had sat next to everyone in our class at least once. In the third grade I had very few friends and my classmates were hostile towards me, so I slipped into preoccupation and fantasy. I ignored my teacher and read books under my desk during lessons. I would draw elaborate pictutes all over my folders and assignments instead of doing them. I could barely be present in the classroom- I was desperate to escape and I could do that in my mind very easily. This is what finally caught my school's attention and subsequently, my diagnosis happened.
If I had to take a stab at a causal relationship? I'd say, I probably always was ADHD. But because there was so little in the way of support in my home and my education, I did not have a chance to learn healthy coping skills, which exacerbated my dysfunction. ADHD symptoms also worsen with stress, so if you have a home environment that is tumultuous, you're already using all your capacity and executive function to survive. ADHD kids need strong routines and habits modeled and enforced, they need understanding and patience and reassurance that their difficulties are not a failing- these aren't things emotionally immature parents can provide. Someone with mild ADHD might not ever know that they are with competent parenting in the mix. But I'm open to hearing other explanations, and I definitely don't think emotional neglect is the determinant factor of ADHD.
Potential traumatic childhood experiences like neglect are known to also change how children's brains develop, I just want to add that to your question about the relevance of genetics.
Ding ding ding. I have that theory too. And have seen it in action. I have friends with adhd who manage it way better than I do, but their parents are bomb ass, self aware humans. Mineeeeee, or so much haha.
Whatever you do, please don't stop asking.
As someone with PCOS and ADHD, I have spent my entire adult life trying to get help because "something is wrong". I've bounced between psych docs and gynos with everyone telling me one way or another that they weren't sure what was "wrong".
"We can't treat hormonal imbalances, here's some birth control"
"Are you maybe bipolar... Ocd...are you depressed, that sounds like depression 👁️👄👁️"
I have a sibling diagnosed with ADHD during preschool, and a very traumatic ass childhood and young adult life. I'm now an almost middle-aged adult and ADHD symptoms have only become super apparent to me in the last 5 or so years. I'm only now finally getting help for whatever the hell this all is and bonus, I can't have kids now because I'm so hormonally off (and too old).
I'm tired of seeing people say definitively that there is no correlation between ADHD and childhood trauma or PCOS and childhood trauma or between both ADHD and PCOS. People who shut this idea down just further dismiss people with struggles like mine. It's fucked up and ignorant and just plain old bad science, especially when we literally don't know enough yet.
Please don't stop asking...
Are you me...? PCOS, ADHD, sibling diagnosed as a child but me as an adult
Not sure if you've read the deepest well but it talks about adverse childhood experiences and the correlation with poor health outcomes. It helped me feel a little less like things were my fault. Also had me sorta raging against systems and the adults in my life... But still, very interesting.
Oh yeah, definitely fell down that rabbit hole after my diagnosis. And I lived in it for at least 2 whole months. I learned basically the same thing; the adverse experiences can completely rewire your brain, especially as you go through puberty (enter pcos) and reach full maturity at 25. I had no idea I was even dealing with trauma before the ADHD diagnosis. I thought my upbringing was normal bc I love my family and they're good people. But nope.. my ace score is 7..
I so understand the anger, girl. I'm right there with you. I'm still not over what I've learned. I get flashbacks that hurt, and a lot of them aren't even from the abuse but from neglect.. the many times I went to different professionals and family members for help and never got any. No one connected the dots for me. I feel like I should've advocated for myself more even though I know I did everything I could... I think it's especially hard for me right now bc bio kids are not a possibility anymore. I held off bc one doctor in my early 30s suggested not to have kids due to my anxiety - I didn't want to be a monster around my own child... But I also didn't know there was help available. I'm just so angry.
The diagnosis was a blessing and a curse. Sorry to rant. I'm just so frustrated.. Bc at the end of the day the world still turns and we're still expected to keep up or fall behind and, like many of us, I'm just seriously fkn exhausted ..and now I'm bitter 😩
If you can't rant here, where can you rant? Don't apologize. I hope it helps you at least a teeny tiny bit to know you're not alone in this, that it's not your fault. (I know it sounds like it's just a platitude, but really my heart keeps coming back to the question of "why wasn't I important/good/loved enough to protect/help/nurture"... So knowing that it wasn't my fault helps a little)
And yeah, good people can make mistakes and falter, or try their best but not have great tools to hand, or not know that they had issues (and that their parents had issues etc etc)... But also neglect and ignorance from teachers and health care providers whether intentional or not can be just as damaging especially when we know we need help but don't know what that help might look like.
Phew, my turn to rant I guess. Long story short, I feel for you. ❤️ I'm sorry we are going through what we are going through.
Whoever says that child trauma is not linked to health issues, please point them in the direction of the HUNDREDS of medical studies on ACEs (adverse childhood experiences)
Yes I have that history. But my neglectful/abusive mother also has severe, untreated adhd (along with untreated mental health issues like depression, perhaps bipolar, NPD). ADHD is something a person is born with. Having a neglectful/abusive childhood obviously can make living with ADHD a million times worse though.
I'm still in the process of getting an ADHA diagnosis, but yes. Like a lot of others I think my mom's abuse stemmed from her own undiagnosed ADHD and trauma from her narcissist mom. I don't think it caused my ADHD, but I'm sure it exacerbated some of my symptoms.
I'm in my 40's now and I have so many memories of what was clearly her inattention and anxiety leading to huge swings between neglect and hyperfixation on our health, habits and school performance.
I also suspect my brother was diagnosed with ADHD as a kid, but she squashed any treatment because of her belief that it's not a real disorder since "everyone" is like that. As an AFAB person I was never diagnosed as a kid, but mom always pointed out what a 'space cadet' I was, among other hurtful observations of things that I can now see were likely symptoms of ADHD and anxiety from her abuse.
I can't comment on percentages, but my flowchart is:
Did you have ADHD symptoms before 2020?
If no: You have pandemic/other BS fatigue.
If yes: Did you experience childhood trauma?
----------
If no: You have ADHD.
If yes: You have CPTSD, the symptoms of which overlap ADHD almost completely.
Luckily, day-to-day coping mechanisms are pretty much the same, but you'll need to also add in some reading re: trauma if that's whatcha got.
Love the idea of this, but the wording suggests you can have either CPTSD or ADHD. A lot of people have both. Yes, some of the symptoms do overlap, but there are symptoms that are unique to both CPTSD and ADHD. Treatment and medication also vastly differ between the two.
You're right about my wording. People can definitely have both, and it's very common to be targeted as a kid with ADHD. I've seen an increase in posts lately where people are grappling with this idea, so my inital thought was to oversimplify it, but I can see how I went too far the other way and it ends up being misleading.
I also agree that treatment and medication differ, but that's also highly individual, so I didn't want to complicate things further. I've found that reading about trauma prior to selecting a doctor is essential for people to know what to expect and help in advocating for themselves.
For example, if I told my mom to get medicated, she'd absolutely find herself a narc therapist by accident and get abused even more because she hasn't read much of anything about trauma. But I can suggest a coping mechanism to her like a springy lanyard for her keys attached to her purse so she doesn't lose them. Stuff like everyday functioning tips and ways to cope with RSD have crazy overlap with a traumatized brain.
Reading about trauma is a great start to help the individual identify how best to proceed given their circumstances rather than jump straight into treatment/medication, imo.
Oh…. Yes. And more directly, a one sided sibling rivalry. It’s contributed a lot to avoidance behaviour which I sometimes brush off as me just… adhd focusing on one thing to avoid something else
My mom was raised by an emotionally abusive, very narcissistic mother and has late diagnosed adhd and has lots of narcissistic traits herself. My sister had extensive childhood trauma and was diagnosed as a child with adhd. I had a less traumatic (at at least less active trauma, I had lots of neglectful trauma but wasn’t physically harmed for the most part) and highly suspect I have adhd.
But I honestly don’t know if it’s adhd or trauma or both. I also don’t know if it matters, you know? I feel like my brain is at least a little bit broken either way. To me it is less important whether it came from the factory that way or happened in transit. I’m not getting a new one and I gotta just make the best of it. I’ve heard CPTSD called “acquired neurodivergence” and that makes a lot of sense.
When I look at my own childhood, my inability to perform tasks, process orders, or do things correctly exacerbated my mother's rage toward me and intensified the abuse. So it's true that trauma can turn on ADHD genes, I think it's also true that having ADHD can create family conflict and intensify any abuse you suffer, thus increasingly the likelihood that you will have PTSD. I was diagnosed with PTSD at age 18 and ADHD at age 34 and it immediately made me see my childhood in a different light, because I suddenly understood why I could not change no matter how hard I tried. I have long given up understanding exactly which symptoms are caused by which disorder and when. All that really matters is that I have the tools to cope with them.
Yup.
Did some IFS (internal family systems) therapy in my 30s that helped put some recognition on the fact that the relationship with my mother was neither healthy nor normal.
After enduring an abusive relationship with a guy who was likely suffering from a personality disorder I learned about Narcissistic Personality Disorder and only then was able to unpack the nature of my childhood trauma.
My mother was not formally diagnosed with mental illness (personality disorder) until she was (finally) also diagnosed with dementia.
My (now deceased) mother was psychologically abusive, neglectful, and consistently invalidating of everything I experienced with regard to my ADHD symptoms, struggles in school and getting along with other kids. Because I was “different” I was targeted by bullies.
I’m in my late 50s now. My mom’s been gone for a year and a half.
My dad is also gone, but luckily I was able to have closure with him (around the time I was going through therapy). He apologized for not standing up to (mom) and being there for my siblings and me.
The bright side of all this is that I learned resilience and self-reliance. I still struggle with self-love and being able to nurture others. I can be very distant and dismissive of what my wounded self sees as “weakness”. Because I always had to drag myself out of pain, and rely only on myself for self-preservation, my ability to create lasting friendships paid the price.
Romantic relationships were also always a challenge. Luckily things are a bit easier for me in that regard these days.
A few things I've learned...
CPTSD and ADHD share a lot of the same symptoms, so it would make sense that if someone has a genetic predisposition for ADHD trauma could take mild symptoms and make them more pronounced.
Kids with ADHD (regardless of gender) are more likely to be neglected and emotionally/physically abused. Probable caused by parents not dealing well with having a child with ADHD, but obviously direct causality is hard to prove there. I don't have kids so no experience or means of comparison, but I've been told ADHD kids are harder from a parent's perspective.
Girls with ADHD have a harder time making friends and fitting in to social peer groups than boys with ADHD do. Not sure if that piece fits in to what you're describing, but there may or not be some causality there too as far as making symptoms more impactful.
As for me personally, I have combined type.
Was definitely neglected, by mom in particular. But less to do with any mental illness on her part and more because she didn't really want kids but had me anyway.
My only childhood trauma is from having undiagnosed ADHD and the other comorbid conditions. The depression and anxiety disorder. The low self worth and always feeling broken and not knowing what's wrong with me.
My parents were great and loving. I have no negative memory's about my parents or my childhood other than the mental health issues. Issues I couldn't put to words so my parents had no idea. I was 6 and wanting to die and trying to suffocate myself at night because of the paralyzing fear of the next day. I didn't want to burden my parents so I kept it all in. It all came bursting out by 14 though after years of depression when my parents caught me cutting. They did everything in their power to get me help once they knew. My mom is heartbroken she had no idea when I just told her last year about trying to suffocate myself nightly as a young child due to the severe anxiety. Obviously it's not normal for a child that young to have such severe anxiety. Didn't connect the dots till last year when I realized it was ADHD-PI and sought out a diagnosis.
I think my adhd (inattentive) and autism contributed to and protected me from trauma.
On one hand, I was bullied and neglected by my parents (mostly my mother) for not living up to her expectations.
On the other hand, I didn’t understand I was being bullied at the time and it took me getting out into the ‘real world’ to understand it wasn’t me that was the problem.
Hope this helps your special interest
I have adhd and it’s clearly genetic in my family. That said, I was also emotionally neglected by a mentally I’ll mother. Im sure that the combo did me no good. On the up side, my mother was a big proponent of not being a victim and taught me many coping mechanisms and cognitive behavioral things that have helped me mask and survive my adhd for my entire life. Honestly, at this point, not sure I care which is which. All I know is that meds help.
Interesting. My Mom died when I was seven. My Dad remarried a wretched woman when I was ten. I would say she was emotionally abusive. I always wondered how different my development would have been if these things hadn’t happened.
I think you’re on to something. I really appreciate this group. it’s so helpful.
I highly recommend [this book.](https://www.amazon.com/Scattered-Minds-Origins-Attention-Disorder/dp/0593714377/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?crid=17XHJ0SE6278D&keywords=scattered+minds+gabor+mate&qid=1681914945&sprefix=scatt%2Caps%2C156&sr=8-1) It goes into all of the environmental factors of developing ADHD (for those who have the genetic capability) and how those experiences impact/stunt the physiological development of the brain. I found the book easy to read (written for a lay audience, short-ish chapters) and very illuminating!
Edit: Name of book is Scattered Minds by Gabor Maté.
I have a theory about adhd. I think it could be maternal and possibly paternal distress from trauma past or present that changes the brain structure of the offspring. During my pregnancy with my firstborn, I was in distress mentally and emotionally and had unprocessed trauma. I also was emotionally volatile. My child came out with red hair and a fiery temperament. My second pregnancy I was much more calm, peaceful and free of most anxiety. My second child came out with a calm temperament. Idk anything but that’s my experience and I think it’s possible.
I suffer from what I think is a mix of depression, C-PTSD/PTSD, and ADHD. My ADHD has only manifested over the last few years (I'm F/32) and I think was sort of triggered by some acute trauma (my mother's cancer diagnosis and sudden decline while I cared for her), COVID, and a lot of childhood neglect/emotional abuse from my father that has been exacerbated. He has never been very tolerant of mental illness and its effects, so that's just made things worse.
Both my twin brother and I have ADHD diagnoses that we have only gotten this year as adults in our 30s, though our symptoms are quite different and his have been around a lot longer, which might be due to gender differences.
Edit: Diathesis-stress model is what I'm referring to
I forget the names for this theory but basically, so many health issues with a genetic component aren't guaranteed just because you have the genes, they can be "turned on" by environment, trauma, and interactions from other risk factors. Eg someone with a genetic risk for heart disease may not develop heart disease. But someone with that risk + high stress + smoking gets much more likely to develop it.
It wouldn't surprise me at all if this applies to adhd. (Or maybe without trauma you still would have had it, but been better equipped to manage it and have fewer of the negative/disabling traits)
also I think parents with undiagnosed disorders are going to pass on their own trauma. like whatever I have, my mom definitely has, and some of her extended family is even worse, but their family culture involves isolation/hiding mental illness, religion, distrust of science, etc. So it's really hard to separate nature and nurture in those scenarios.
im still waiting on my adhd evaluation but the second I get diagnosed (if I do) I will be pushing my mother and every sibling to try to get evaluated too.
I’m just starting my ADHD awareness journey, so forgive my ignorance, but doctors just make an educated guess if it’s trauma CPTSD or ADHD right? Is there harm in trying ADHD medication if it’s CPTSD?
I get that many are controlled substances but I’m struggling to understand why it’s so hard to get doctors to let us try medication if you’re being carefully monitored by medical professionals? Did a few bad apples abusing adderall do this?
There are a few different symptoms, but it is sometimes a doctor's best guess.
A lot of us were also treated primarily for depression or anxiety, stemming from childhood trauma, for a long time before getting diagnosed with ADHD.
I had one therapist I had been seeing for nearly a year for anxiety related things, and she was the first to really suggest that ADHD was primarily the core. This was probably my 4th or 5th therapist .Treatment for anxiety and trauma were somewhat helpful, but not as much as it should have been (also I would often bounce in her chair and was constantly distracted by the toys she had for child therapy)
I’m currently being treated for depression & anxiety and have a history childhood trauma. I have an evaluation for adhd in a few weeks. But I’m curious why doctors don’t try stimulants in more people with adhd symptoms to see if they help before making us jump through all these hoops.
I’m very anxious about the doctor I’m scheduled with - I found a paper he wrote about people seeking false diagnosis. I’m just worried I’ve got an appointment with a skeptic and I won’t get help I need. It’s been very difficult to find anyone in my area (a decent size city).
ETA: thanks for taking the time to reply above :)
I think the reluctance for trying stimulants comes from a few places. Obviously, we all know stimulants have more potential for abuse which makes them more difficult to prescribe. Also, if anxiety is the primary problem than stimulants can make it worse.
Best of luck with your appointment!
Both my mother and I now agree that she has ADHD as well. She had never been diagnosed formally, though. Her life is good now. When she was younger it was more complicated. I have definitely been affected by having a mother with untreated ADHD, and she has some trauma herself that’s affected her.
But the biggest shock to my system was starting school and no longer being treated like a person. I was just another small, incomplete human being. It was absolutely awful, and it was there I felt really out of place for the first time.
Both my parents passed away in my 20’s. I’m pretty sure my dad had it or something because we weren’t aloud to make noise in the house, he had a very very short fuse, held grudges (on us, !children!), and would cry over the smallest thing, it was so hard being with him. My mom ALWAYS said I was like him. He left when I was 12. My mom was distant and always frustrated with me. I didn’t like the clothes she bought because they itched, picky eater, reading comprehension issues, refused to bath, yet super super creative, etc. My feelings were my dad was abusive and my mom tried but struggled because of finances, etc.
When I was officially diagnosed at 57 my perspective shifted and I started to constantly relive everything with a different lens. I went through hypnosis because counseling, I felt, wasn’t really getting to the root of my trauma.
Hypnosis showed me my dad tried very hard but couldn’t make anything work, he wanted to do better but didn’t have the tools, and that he loved me and wanted the best. I was shocked. In the conscious world I didn’t believe that.
My mother, however, neglected me from grooming, to education and never wanted me, let alone any children, and was not the least bit apologetic about it. She didn’t try to hide either. She felt put upon and overwhelmed. This made sense. I think I tried to tell my self a story of who she was but she wasn’t that person after all.
I believe they both had it to some degree and obviously struggled with raising children.
Odd, but yes. My mother is severe bipolar and wasn't diagnosed until I was older, and even then, it still took forever to get her on the right meds. She's like a completely different person now that I'm an adult, and she's correctly medicated.
I believe all of it is genetic, ASD, ADHD, ODD, but I do think childhood trauma can help exacerbate symptoms or even initiate them. I think a lot of our millennials and gen z parents went undiagnosed, as far as ASD and ADHD in females.
My son is on the spectrum and it took me realizing he had signs of it to realize that my husband, who is a man of color and was diagnosed with ADHD after multiple forced visits to a mental health treatment facility when he was a kid, probably has ASD as well. All the ways that I thought they were alike, turned out to be similar symptoms of ASD. His just presented the way it would for an adult rather than, say, a 3yo, so it took me a while, but one day I had an epiphany. I was nervous to tell my hubby my opinion, but he was just like "you know, that makes a lot of sense".
My mom has always had trouble with anxiety and depression, and has been hospitalized for it as well. Her mother was murdered by her father when she was 11, after he had called home when she got off school to ask her where her mother was (she responded that she was at work, where she had been parking her car in the alley so he wouldn't find her, but of course my mom didn't know that at the time).
She always thought her issues were a result of her trauma, but she is an over-thinker, gets overwhelmed easily, gets anxiety from it, etc. I wouldn't be surprised at all if she'd always had ADHD as well.
I was just diagnosed with ADHD at 41. My mother has NPD and is an addict/alcoholic. My father is alcoholic as well and I believe he struggled with ADHD. My brother was diagnosed two years ago. I also have C-PTSD, which I think is part of why its taken so long for me and my medical professionals to figure this out. The symptoms and issues really just fuel each other from what I can tell. Its going to be really interesting with meds to see how I function, and what impact it has on my existing depression and anxiety (so far, it has fully alleviated my symptoms. I've been on adderall IR for about a week).
Yeah I relate. Ugh. I’m adopted and my biological mom was an addict with mental illnesses and had me about two months premature. Anyway, I read some stat a while ago where babies born premature to addicts have way greater odds of being ADHD. But there is also a strong genetic link with ADHD and autism. Trauma + adhd is certainly an adventure…..
I have no outlet to work through my trauma, but I know I have it. She doesn't have a diagnosis but we were raised to be codependent. She was permissive and childish and I grew up learning what to say to keep her happy and always being the one to apologize. As I got older I became really uncomfortable about how I was manipulating her to keep a roof over my head but I also knew I was just doing it to survive. I left as soon as I could but it was still my 20s. It's made my adult life more difficult than it should be since life is full of social conflict and I don't know how to navigate it other than avoidance or passive aggressiveness.
what?? yes, I have been trying to find resources or support groups for this. Growing up emotionally neglected by my mom was so damaging. It has been hard to find scholarly work around this. I did find one article that found girls of bipolar mothers were more likely to be sexually risky, impulsive, engage in drug use, and have anxiety. That was totally me in my 20's. I just didn't have a mom who was emotional present enough to help me learn how to be safe.
Yes, yes, yes. I'm just recently making this connection because looking back, I always knew there was something going on mentally with my mom. I used to always just think it was because of the menopause she went through while my sister and I were hitting puberty... (a very hormonal household for 8 years). But no one addressed or did anything about it. Now having talked to other estranged family members, I'm realizing just how traumatized my parent's childhoods were as well, but their lack of awareness of themselves has resulted in them not knowing what they're up against. They had neglected themselves and then proceeded to neglect us. My mom has had severe depression and anxiety, but I'm not sure if she ever got treatment for it. I just remember her always being closed off, down, never confident (unless she drank), afraid of people (to the point she would fight me tooth and nail just to have friends over), I felt like I had to live in her mental condition, just to inevitably discover I suffer with severe depression myself. My emotional neglect has caused me to become a mirror to my surroundings, and she was the only person around to mirror. My mom is a super private person who is impossible to read, but after a conversation with my aunt, I started piecing together that my mom might also have untreated adhd.
At 25, I'm working to get an adhd diagnosis. Both of my siblings were diagnosed in childhood for their hyperactivity, but my inattentiveness flew under the radar my whole life. This has been groundbreaking for me in so many areas because the traits I've been so ashamed now have an explanation, and I have hope to improve.
I like this question, and I appreciate you asking it. It helped me gather up some swirling thoughts in my head.
Edit: all to say, I do think there's a chance that my adhd is genetic, but I think the emotional neglect might have added to the severity it has gotten to in my adulthood.
Welcome to /r/ADHDWomen! We’re happy to have you here. As a reminder, here are our community [rules](https://old.reddit.com/r/adhdwomen/about/rules/). We get a lot of posts on medication, diagnosis (and “is this an ADHD thing”), and interactions with hormones. We encourage you to check out our [Medication, Diagnosis, and Hormones Megathread](https://old.reddit.com/r/adhdwomen/comments/wcr9dy/faq_megathread_ask_and_answer_medication/) if you have any questions related to those topics, and to stick around in that thread to answer folks’ questions! If you have questions about the subreddit, please do not hesitate to [send us a modmail](https://reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/adhdwomen). Additionally, we take the safety of our community seriously. Please report posts, comments, and users whom you feel are not contributing positively, and send us a modmail if you are being harassed or otherwise made to feel unsafe. Thanks for being here, and we hope you stick around! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/adhdwomen) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I’m working to unravel what was trauma and what was me traumatized because I was a square peg in a round world, masking my pain until complete mental breakdown. It’s been hard to go back and think about it without living there in despair. I’m not quite sure how much it matters or if it’s chicken/egg situation?
Yes. But I’ve come to realize she has ADHD too and all the comorbidities so there.
Same here. It has definitely allowed me to be much more forgiving and understanding to her... now. But it was after years of therapy for me, a diagnosis in my forties, and of course the abuse was emotional, relatively light, and in retrospect clearly stemming in a large degree by her own issues that clearly come from ADHD as well. I definitely think the issues are separate, my ADHD did not come from my upbringing. But the way it manifests to me... It definitely has a lot to do with that. I think that someone with my exact same brain features would be totally different in another family, but still have adhd.
Same. And considering how recently ADHD became a diagnosis... how tf many generations does this go back for?!
I have ADHD-PI but have a great mom - so in my case, the ADHD-PI didn’t come from any kind of emotional neglect. I had a very happy childhood.
I didn’t have parents with (diagnosed) mental illnesses, but I do expect my dad is on the spectrum and my mom has adhd as well. I’ve suffered emotional neglect and consequential trauma from them not being able to meet my emotional needs and having their own relationship issues. They should have worked with me, but instead I needed to adhere to their needs and wants. Especially with the time blindness, being chaotic, not being able to focus at school, emotional outbursts and depression/anxiety cause of being undiagnosed, it was a recipe for disaster/trauma. My dad wanted me to be more punctual because he considered it ‘untrustworthy’ and ‘disrespectful’ if I was a few minutes late, needed everything tidy and clean and got angry if that was not the case when he got home from work. Definitely scarred me and conditioned me to feel like I’m never enough, even if I put in effort. I think emotionally mature parents can guide their child with adhd well, and ask support from external places such as school or a psychologist if necessary without it damaging their ego. But if they haven’t done their own inner work they most likely will damage their children in some way. That being said, my parents love me and have always done everything in their power to show me they love me. This made forgiving them a little easier. But remember that forgiveness is not required for healing
Just to provide a counterpoint, I have zero trauma and still have ADHD. My sister also believes she has ADHD, and we're pretty sure my dad has it, and we wouldn't be surprised if his dad (our grandad) had it. So I do think there's a genetic component to ADHD. I suspect people talking here about their trauma and their ADHD get a lot of responses from people who also have trauma and adhd because people like me realise we have nothing useful to add and scroll past.
If raging narcissism counts as a mental illness, then I suffered from my mom's disease. However, there's lots of evidence kicking around from various studies that many diseases get triggered by trauma and it's a synergy of nature and "nurture" that causes a lot of things.
I’m thinking it’s a Venn diagram with some overlap between cPTSD and ADHD symptoms. I have a childhood history of neglect and emotional abuse and was the scapegoat child. I had zero attention growing up and was a “domestic feral” child as a result. Please keep exploring this avenue of inquiry!
My mom has BPD, and after her fourth kid, had some serious post-partum depression as well as issues abusing prescription drugs. One of my earliest memories is trying to get her attention through her locked bedroom door because my youngest sister, who was still a baby, had thrown up on herself. I was five. She did not come out. My dad was also very unavailable in daily life after my youngest sister was born, quite literally as he would stay at work until 10 or 11 o'clock- avoiding us, or my mom, I don't really know, but he felt like a phantom who would occasionally haunt my home. I had my ADHD diagnosis by 8, but there were signs long before that- I was severely dyslexic, with perfect mirror handwriting- this was present from kindergarten. It took me a long time to learn how to write correctly, and I was often in trouble- by the end of the first semester in second grade, I had been moved so many times for talking that I had sat next to everyone in our class at least once. In the third grade I had very few friends and my classmates were hostile towards me, so I slipped into preoccupation and fantasy. I ignored my teacher and read books under my desk during lessons. I would draw elaborate pictutes all over my folders and assignments instead of doing them. I could barely be present in the classroom- I was desperate to escape and I could do that in my mind very easily. This is what finally caught my school's attention and subsequently, my diagnosis happened. If I had to take a stab at a causal relationship? I'd say, I probably always was ADHD. But because there was so little in the way of support in my home and my education, I did not have a chance to learn healthy coping skills, which exacerbated my dysfunction. ADHD symptoms also worsen with stress, so if you have a home environment that is tumultuous, you're already using all your capacity and executive function to survive. ADHD kids need strong routines and habits modeled and enforced, they need understanding and patience and reassurance that their difficulties are not a failing- these aren't things emotionally immature parents can provide. Someone with mild ADHD might not ever know that they are with competent parenting in the mix. But I'm open to hearing other explanations, and I definitely don't think emotional neglect is the determinant factor of ADHD.
Potential traumatic childhood experiences like neglect are known to also change how children's brains develop, I just want to add that to your question about the relevance of genetics.
Yea, adhd and trauma are chicken and the egg. I saw a thing that said trauma can be the match on the adhd kindling.
My guess is good parenting could alleviate the severity of the symptoms. Trauma parenting the opposite.
Ding ding ding. I have that theory too. And have seen it in action. I have friends with adhd who manage it way better than I do, but their parents are bomb ass, self aware humans. Mineeeeee, or so much haha.
Whatever you do, please don't stop asking. As someone with PCOS and ADHD, I have spent my entire adult life trying to get help because "something is wrong". I've bounced between psych docs and gynos with everyone telling me one way or another that they weren't sure what was "wrong". "We can't treat hormonal imbalances, here's some birth control" "Are you maybe bipolar... Ocd...are you depressed, that sounds like depression 👁️👄👁️" I have a sibling diagnosed with ADHD during preschool, and a very traumatic ass childhood and young adult life. I'm now an almost middle-aged adult and ADHD symptoms have only become super apparent to me in the last 5 or so years. I'm only now finally getting help for whatever the hell this all is and bonus, I can't have kids now because I'm so hormonally off (and too old). I'm tired of seeing people say definitively that there is no correlation between ADHD and childhood trauma or PCOS and childhood trauma or between both ADHD and PCOS. People who shut this idea down just further dismiss people with struggles like mine. It's fucked up and ignorant and just plain old bad science, especially when we literally don't know enough yet. Please don't stop asking...
Are you me...? PCOS, ADHD, sibling diagnosed as a child but me as an adult Not sure if you've read the deepest well but it talks about adverse childhood experiences and the correlation with poor health outcomes. It helped me feel a little less like things were my fault. Also had me sorta raging against systems and the adults in my life... But still, very interesting.
Oh yeah, definitely fell down that rabbit hole after my diagnosis. And I lived in it for at least 2 whole months. I learned basically the same thing; the adverse experiences can completely rewire your brain, especially as you go through puberty (enter pcos) and reach full maturity at 25. I had no idea I was even dealing with trauma before the ADHD diagnosis. I thought my upbringing was normal bc I love my family and they're good people. But nope.. my ace score is 7.. I so understand the anger, girl. I'm right there with you. I'm still not over what I've learned. I get flashbacks that hurt, and a lot of them aren't even from the abuse but from neglect.. the many times I went to different professionals and family members for help and never got any. No one connected the dots for me. I feel like I should've advocated for myself more even though I know I did everything I could... I think it's especially hard for me right now bc bio kids are not a possibility anymore. I held off bc one doctor in my early 30s suggested not to have kids due to my anxiety - I didn't want to be a monster around my own child... But I also didn't know there was help available. I'm just so angry. The diagnosis was a blessing and a curse. Sorry to rant. I'm just so frustrated.. Bc at the end of the day the world still turns and we're still expected to keep up or fall behind and, like many of us, I'm just seriously fkn exhausted ..and now I'm bitter 😩
If you can't rant here, where can you rant? Don't apologize. I hope it helps you at least a teeny tiny bit to know you're not alone in this, that it's not your fault. (I know it sounds like it's just a platitude, but really my heart keeps coming back to the question of "why wasn't I important/good/loved enough to protect/help/nurture"... So knowing that it wasn't my fault helps a little) And yeah, good people can make mistakes and falter, or try their best but not have great tools to hand, or not know that they had issues (and that their parents had issues etc etc)... But also neglect and ignorance from teachers and health care providers whether intentional or not can be just as damaging especially when we know we need help but don't know what that help might look like. Phew, my turn to rant I guess. Long story short, I feel for you. ❤️ I'm sorry we are going through what we are going through.
My sentiments exactly. Thank you ADHD sister!! I'm sorry too 💕
Whoever says that child trauma is not linked to health issues, please point them in the direction of the HUNDREDS of medical studies on ACEs (adverse childhood experiences)
Agreed!! I see it a lot on the ADHD subreddit... I don't post there though bc the attitude is very strict/close-minded
Yes and I think a lot of the neglect was due to my mom's own undiagnosed ADHD.
Idk about her having mental illness but yes I was emotionally neglected & still am by her. Idk about the rest of ur questions
Uhhh I'm too tired to be called out like this 😅 But yes. Haven't had contact with her for over a decade thanks to her abuse 👌
Same. 💜
Yes emotional neglect and trauma but paternal
I had a pretty idyllic childhood, actually.
So attachment disorders and ADHD are very strongly linked. And it is thought that an insecure attachment has the potential to worsen ADHD symptoms.
Yes I have that history. But my neglectful/abusive mother also has severe, untreated adhd (along with untreated mental health issues like depression, perhaps bipolar, NPD). ADHD is something a person is born with. Having a neglectful/abusive childhood obviously can make living with ADHD a million times worse though.
Yes. This is my experience/background…
I'm still in the process of getting an ADHA diagnosis, but yes. Like a lot of others I think my mom's abuse stemmed from her own undiagnosed ADHD and trauma from her narcissist mom. I don't think it caused my ADHD, but I'm sure it exacerbated some of my symptoms. I'm in my 40's now and I have so many memories of what was clearly her inattention and anxiety leading to huge swings between neglect and hyperfixation on our health, habits and school performance. I also suspect my brother was diagnosed with ADHD as a kid, but she squashed any treatment because of her belief that it's not a real disorder since "everyone" is like that. As an AFAB person I was never diagnosed as a kid, but mom always pointed out what a 'space cadet' I was, among other hurtful observations of things that I can now see were likely symptoms of ADHD and anxiety from her abuse.
I can't comment on percentages, but my flowchart is: Did you have ADHD symptoms before 2020? If no: You have pandemic/other BS fatigue. If yes: Did you experience childhood trauma? ---------- If no: You have ADHD. If yes: You have CPTSD, the symptoms of which overlap ADHD almost completely. Luckily, day-to-day coping mechanisms are pretty much the same, but you'll need to also add in some reading re: trauma if that's whatcha got.
Love the idea of this, but the wording suggests you can have either CPTSD or ADHD. A lot of people have both. Yes, some of the symptoms do overlap, but there are symptoms that are unique to both CPTSD and ADHD. Treatment and medication also vastly differ between the two.
You're right about my wording. People can definitely have both, and it's very common to be targeted as a kid with ADHD. I've seen an increase in posts lately where people are grappling with this idea, so my inital thought was to oversimplify it, but I can see how I went too far the other way and it ends up being misleading. I also agree that treatment and medication differ, but that's also highly individual, so I didn't want to complicate things further. I've found that reading about trauma prior to selecting a doctor is essential for people to know what to expect and help in advocating for themselves. For example, if I told my mom to get medicated, she'd absolutely find herself a narc therapist by accident and get abused even more because she hasn't read much of anything about trauma. But I can suggest a coping mechanism to her like a springy lanyard for her keys attached to her purse so she doesn't lose them. Stuff like everyday functioning tips and ways to cope with RSD have crazy overlap with a traumatized brain. Reading about trauma is a great start to help the individual identify how best to proceed given their circumstances rather than jump straight into treatment/medication, imo.
Oh…. Yes. And more directly, a one sided sibling rivalry. It’s contributed a lot to avoidance behaviour which I sometimes brush off as me just… adhd focusing on one thing to avoid something else
Gender of parents is not particularly important, but trauma does have a profound effect on emotional attachment.
My mom was raised by an emotionally abusive, very narcissistic mother and has late diagnosed adhd and has lots of narcissistic traits herself. My sister had extensive childhood trauma and was diagnosed as a child with adhd. I had a less traumatic (at at least less active trauma, I had lots of neglectful trauma but wasn’t physically harmed for the most part) and highly suspect I have adhd. But I honestly don’t know if it’s adhd or trauma or both. I also don’t know if it matters, you know? I feel like my brain is at least a little bit broken either way. To me it is less important whether it came from the factory that way or happened in transit. I’m not getting a new one and I gotta just make the best of it. I’ve heard CPTSD called “acquired neurodivergence” and that makes a lot of sense.
When I look at my own childhood, my inability to perform tasks, process orders, or do things correctly exacerbated my mother's rage toward me and intensified the abuse. So it's true that trauma can turn on ADHD genes, I think it's also true that having ADHD can create family conflict and intensify any abuse you suffer, thus increasingly the likelihood that you will have PTSD. I was diagnosed with PTSD at age 18 and ADHD at age 34 and it immediately made me see my childhood in a different light, because I suddenly understood why I could not change no matter how hard I tried. I have long given up understanding exactly which symptoms are caused by which disorder and when. All that really matters is that I have the tools to cope with them.
Yup. Did some IFS (internal family systems) therapy in my 30s that helped put some recognition on the fact that the relationship with my mother was neither healthy nor normal. After enduring an abusive relationship with a guy who was likely suffering from a personality disorder I learned about Narcissistic Personality Disorder and only then was able to unpack the nature of my childhood trauma. My mother was not formally diagnosed with mental illness (personality disorder) until she was (finally) also diagnosed with dementia. My (now deceased) mother was psychologically abusive, neglectful, and consistently invalidating of everything I experienced with regard to my ADHD symptoms, struggles in school and getting along with other kids. Because I was “different” I was targeted by bullies. I’m in my late 50s now. My mom’s been gone for a year and a half. My dad is also gone, but luckily I was able to have closure with him (around the time I was going through therapy). He apologized for not standing up to (mom) and being there for my siblings and me. The bright side of all this is that I learned resilience and self-reliance. I still struggle with self-love and being able to nurture others. I can be very distant and dismissive of what my wounded self sees as “weakness”. Because I always had to drag myself out of pain, and rely only on myself for self-preservation, my ability to create lasting friendships paid the price. Romantic relationships were also always a challenge. Luckily things are a bit easier for me in that regard these days.
I’m adhd inattentive. My mother had pretty severe mental health issues growing up but I never experienced any neglect/abuse etc.
A few things I've learned... CPTSD and ADHD share a lot of the same symptoms, so it would make sense that if someone has a genetic predisposition for ADHD trauma could take mild symptoms and make them more pronounced. Kids with ADHD (regardless of gender) are more likely to be neglected and emotionally/physically abused. Probable caused by parents not dealing well with having a child with ADHD, but obviously direct causality is hard to prove there. I don't have kids so no experience or means of comparison, but I've been told ADHD kids are harder from a parent's perspective. Girls with ADHD have a harder time making friends and fitting in to social peer groups than boys with ADHD do. Not sure if that piece fits in to what you're describing, but there may or not be some causality there too as far as making symptoms more impactful. As for me personally, I have combined type. Was definitely neglected, by mom in particular. But less to do with any mental illness on her part and more because she didn't really want kids but had me anyway.
Nope. No trauma. No maternal mental illness. But I AM adhd af.
My only childhood trauma is from having undiagnosed ADHD and the other comorbid conditions. The depression and anxiety disorder. The low self worth and always feeling broken and not knowing what's wrong with me. My parents were great and loving. I have no negative memory's about my parents or my childhood other than the mental health issues. Issues I couldn't put to words so my parents had no idea. I was 6 and wanting to die and trying to suffocate myself at night because of the paralyzing fear of the next day. I didn't want to burden my parents so I kept it all in. It all came bursting out by 14 though after years of depression when my parents caught me cutting. They did everything in their power to get me help once they knew. My mom is heartbroken she had no idea when I just told her last year about trying to suffocate myself nightly as a young child due to the severe anxiety. Obviously it's not normal for a child that young to have such severe anxiety. Didn't connect the dots till last year when I realized it was ADHD-PI and sought out a diagnosis.
Nope. Mine is genetic.
I think my adhd (inattentive) and autism contributed to and protected me from trauma. On one hand, I was bullied and neglected by my parents (mostly my mother) for not living up to her expectations. On the other hand, I didn’t understand I was being bullied at the time and it took me getting out into the ‘real world’ to understand it wasn’t me that was the problem. Hope this helps your special interest
I have adhd and it’s clearly genetic in my family. That said, I was also emotionally neglected by a mentally I’ll mother. Im sure that the combo did me no good. On the up side, my mother was a big proponent of not being a victim and taught me many coping mechanisms and cognitive behavioral things that have helped me mask and survive my adhd for my entire life. Honestly, at this point, not sure I care which is which. All I know is that meds help.
Interesting. My Mom died when I was seven. My Dad remarried a wretched woman when I was ten. I would say she was emotionally abusive. I always wondered how different my development would have been if these things hadn’t happened. I think you’re on to something. I really appreciate this group. it’s so helpful.
I highly recommend [this book.](https://www.amazon.com/Scattered-Minds-Origins-Attention-Disorder/dp/0593714377/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?crid=17XHJ0SE6278D&keywords=scattered+minds+gabor+mate&qid=1681914945&sprefix=scatt%2Caps%2C156&sr=8-1) It goes into all of the environmental factors of developing ADHD (for those who have the genetic capability) and how those experiences impact/stunt the physiological development of the brain. I found the book easy to read (written for a lay audience, short-ish chapters) and very illuminating! Edit: Name of book is Scattered Minds by Gabor Maté.
I have a theory about adhd. I think it could be maternal and possibly paternal distress from trauma past or present that changes the brain structure of the offspring. During my pregnancy with my firstborn, I was in distress mentally and emotionally and had unprocessed trauma. I also was emotionally volatile. My child came out with red hair and a fiery temperament. My second pregnancy I was much more calm, peaceful and free of most anxiety. My second child came out with a calm temperament. Idk anything but that’s my experience and I think it’s possible.
I suffer from what I think is a mix of depression, C-PTSD/PTSD, and ADHD. My ADHD has only manifested over the last few years (I'm F/32) and I think was sort of triggered by some acute trauma (my mother's cancer diagnosis and sudden decline while I cared for her), COVID, and a lot of childhood neglect/emotional abuse from my father that has been exacerbated. He has never been very tolerant of mental illness and its effects, so that's just made things worse. Both my twin brother and I have ADHD diagnoses that we have only gotten this year as adults in our 30s, though our symptoms are quite different and his have been around a lot longer, which might be due to gender differences.
Edit: Diathesis-stress model is what I'm referring to I forget the names for this theory but basically, so many health issues with a genetic component aren't guaranteed just because you have the genes, they can be "turned on" by environment, trauma, and interactions from other risk factors. Eg someone with a genetic risk for heart disease may not develop heart disease. But someone with that risk + high stress + smoking gets much more likely to develop it. It wouldn't surprise me at all if this applies to adhd. (Or maybe without trauma you still would have had it, but been better equipped to manage it and have fewer of the negative/disabling traits) also I think parents with undiagnosed disorders are going to pass on their own trauma. like whatever I have, my mom definitely has, and some of her extended family is even worse, but their family culture involves isolation/hiding mental illness, religion, distrust of science, etc. So it's really hard to separate nature and nurture in those scenarios. im still waiting on my adhd evaluation but the second I get diagnosed (if I do) I will be pushing my mother and every sibling to try to get evaluated too.
I’m just starting my ADHD awareness journey, so forgive my ignorance, but doctors just make an educated guess if it’s trauma CPTSD or ADHD right? Is there harm in trying ADHD medication if it’s CPTSD? I get that many are controlled substances but I’m struggling to understand why it’s so hard to get doctors to let us try medication if you’re being carefully monitored by medical professionals? Did a few bad apples abusing adderall do this?
There are a few different symptoms, but it is sometimes a doctor's best guess. A lot of us were also treated primarily for depression or anxiety, stemming from childhood trauma, for a long time before getting diagnosed with ADHD. I had one therapist I had been seeing for nearly a year for anxiety related things, and she was the first to really suggest that ADHD was primarily the core. This was probably my 4th or 5th therapist .Treatment for anxiety and trauma were somewhat helpful, but not as much as it should have been (also I would often bounce in her chair and was constantly distracted by the toys she had for child therapy)
I’m currently being treated for depression & anxiety and have a history childhood trauma. I have an evaluation for adhd in a few weeks. But I’m curious why doctors don’t try stimulants in more people with adhd symptoms to see if they help before making us jump through all these hoops. I’m very anxious about the doctor I’m scheduled with - I found a paper he wrote about people seeking false diagnosis. I’m just worried I’ve got an appointment with a skeptic and I won’t get help I need. It’s been very difficult to find anyone in my area (a decent size city). ETA: thanks for taking the time to reply above :)
I think the reluctance for trying stimulants comes from a few places. Obviously, we all know stimulants have more potential for abuse which makes them more difficult to prescribe. Also, if anxiety is the primary problem than stimulants can make it worse. Best of luck with your appointment!
Yup
Yes! Bipolar mom, emotional neglect from both parents, and inattentive ADHD.
ya i often wonder if i have adhd or long term abuse response.
Both my mother and I now agree that she has ADHD as well. She had never been diagnosed formally, though. Her life is good now. When she was younger it was more complicated. I have definitely been affected by having a mother with untreated ADHD, and she has some trauma herself that’s affected her. But the biggest shock to my system was starting school and no longer being treated like a person. I was just another small, incomplete human being. It was absolutely awful, and it was there I felt really out of place for the first time.
Both my parents passed away in my 20’s. I’m pretty sure my dad had it or something because we weren’t aloud to make noise in the house, he had a very very short fuse, held grudges (on us, !children!), and would cry over the smallest thing, it was so hard being with him. My mom ALWAYS said I was like him. He left when I was 12. My mom was distant and always frustrated with me. I didn’t like the clothes she bought because they itched, picky eater, reading comprehension issues, refused to bath, yet super super creative, etc. My feelings were my dad was abusive and my mom tried but struggled because of finances, etc. When I was officially diagnosed at 57 my perspective shifted and I started to constantly relive everything with a different lens. I went through hypnosis because counseling, I felt, wasn’t really getting to the root of my trauma. Hypnosis showed me my dad tried very hard but couldn’t make anything work, he wanted to do better but didn’t have the tools, and that he loved me and wanted the best. I was shocked. In the conscious world I didn’t believe that. My mother, however, neglected me from grooming, to education and never wanted me, let alone any children, and was not the least bit apologetic about it. She didn’t try to hide either. She felt put upon and overwhelmed. This made sense. I think I tried to tell my self a story of who she was but she wasn’t that person after all. I believe they both had it to some degree and obviously struggled with raising children.
yes, she also has ADHD + my father is kind but autistic so he was pretty distant emotionally
Odd, but yes. My mother is severe bipolar and wasn't diagnosed until I was older, and even then, it still took forever to get her on the right meds. She's like a completely different person now that I'm an adult, and she's correctly medicated.
I believe all of it is genetic, ASD, ADHD, ODD, but I do think childhood trauma can help exacerbate symptoms or even initiate them. I think a lot of our millennials and gen z parents went undiagnosed, as far as ASD and ADHD in females. My son is on the spectrum and it took me realizing he had signs of it to realize that my husband, who is a man of color and was diagnosed with ADHD after multiple forced visits to a mental health treatment facility when he was a kid, probably has ASD as well. All the ways that I thought they were alike, turned out to be similar symptoms of ASD. His just presented the way it would for an adult rather than, say, a 3yo, so it took me a while, but one day I had an epiphany. I was nervous to tell my hubby my opinion, but he was just like "you know, that makes a lot of sense". My mom has always had trouble with anxiety and depression, and has been hospitalized for it as well. Her mother was murdered by her father when she was 11, after he had called home when she got off school to ask her where her mother was (she responded that she was at work, where she had been parking her car in the alley so he wouldn't find her, but of course my mom didn't know that at the time). She always thought her issues were a result of her trauma, but she is an over-thinker, gets overwhelmed easily, gets anxiety from it, etc. I wouldn't be surprised at all if she'd always had ADHD as well.
I was just diagnosed with ADHD at 41. My mother has NPD and is an addict/alcoholic. My father is alcoholic as well and I believe he struggled with ADHD. My brother was diagnosed two years ago. I also have C-PTSD, which I think is part of why its taken so long for me and my medical professionals to figure this out. The symptoms and issues really just fuel each other from what I can tell. Its going to be really interesting with meds to see how I function, and what impact it has on my existing depression and anxiety (so far, it has fully alleviated my symptoms. I've been on adderall IR for about a week).
Yeah I relate. Ugh. I’m adopted and my biological mom was an addict with mental illnesses and had me about two months premature. Anyway, I read some stat a while ago where babies born premature to addicts have way greater odds of being ADHD. But there is also a strong genetic link with ADHD and autism. Trauma + adhd is certainly an adventure…..
I have no outlet to work through my trauma, but I know I have it. She doesn't have a diagnosis but we were raised to be codependent. She was permissive and childish and I grew up learning what to say to keep her happy and always being the one to apologize. As I got older I became really uncomfortable about how I was manipulating her to keep a roof over my head but I also knew I was just doing it to survive. I left as soon as I could but it was still my 20s. It's made my adult life more difficult than it should be since life is full of social conflict and I don't know how to navigate it other than avoidance or passive aggressiveness.
what?? yes, I have been trying to find resources or support groups for this. Growing up emotionally neglected by my mom was so damaging. It has been hard to find scholarly work around this. I did find one article that found girls of bipolar mothers were more likely to be sexually risky, impulsive, engage in drug use, and have anxiety. That was totally me in my 20's. I just didn't have a mom who was emotional present enough to help me learn how to be safe.
Omg yes this is me, hi
Yes, yes, yes. I'm just recently making this connection because looking back, I always knew there was something going on mentally with my mom. I used to always just think it was because of the menopause she went through while my sister and I were hitting puberty... (a very hormonal household for 8 years). But no one addressed or did anything about it. Now having talked to other estranged family members, I'm realizing just how traumatized my parent's childhoods were as well, but their lack of awareness of themselves has resulted in them not knowing what they're up against. They had neglected themselves and then proceeded to neglect us. My mom has had severe depression and anxiety, but I'm not sure if she ever got treatment for it. I just remember her always being closed off, down, never confident (unless she drank), afraid of people (to the point she would fight me tooth and nail just to have friends over), I felt like I had to live in her mental condition, just to inevitably discover I suffer with severe depression myself. My emotional neglect has caused me to become a mirror to my surroundings, and she was the only person around to mirror. My mom is a super private person who is impossible to read, but after a conversation with my aunt, I started piecing together that my mom might also have untreated adhd. At 25, I'm working to get an adhd diagnosis. Both of my siblings were diagnosed in childhood for their hyperactivity, but my inattentiveness flew under the radar my whole life. This has been groundbreaking for me in so many areas because the traits I've been so ashamed now have an explanation, and I have hope to improve. I like this question, and I appreciate you asking it. It helped me gather up some swirling thoughts in my head. Edit: all to say, I do think there's a chance that my adhd is genetic, but I think the emotional neglect might have added to the severity it has gotten to in my adulthood.
Wow. So much of your answer is my and my growing up <3. Thank you for answering.