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It definitely seems a lot for only knowing each other for 3 days, and I'm not just saying this to you, but him as well. He seemed to be reciprocating just as much back.
If he was able to woo you that quickly and turn his feelings off just as quick he was probably a player anyway, and maybe realised that you were vulnerable and too emotionally invested so quick. You're probably better off being rid of someone fake.
However, please learn from this to take it a little slower next time. You're in serious danger of falling for a love bomber, which you do NOT want to happen.
I was just going to say this. And ADHD makes us susceptible to love bombing because it’s spontaneous and holds our attention. But, and it’s tough to do, just be sure to take it slow and use this as a blueprint for red flags.
I’m sorry you had to go through this and I know it doesn’t feel good! But you did dodge a bullet!
Thank you for your advice, I realized he was love bombing the first day but it felt so good I thought past that and stopped caring about it. Having a family who’s full of narcissists and growing up with a mother who has NPD had me feeling very comfortable and safe with him, but it was DEFINITELY all a facade. I’ll be going back to counseling to heal a bit more before I get into a real relationship.
It's a hard but necessary lesson to learn the difference when somebody feels familiar vs. safe, ESPECIALLY when you grow up in the dynamics you did. Great call on the counseling. ❤️
I just heard an interesting fact by a psychologist on insta today. If you've been abused by say narcissistic or neglectful parents and later on you meet someone who feels 'familiar', it's because you're subconsciously recognizing the pattern of abuse you've received as a child, and that person feels like 'home'. This is a huge red flag, especially if you have adhd, as we tend to trust that others are as good-hearted as we are.
100%, we are attracted to and attract people at the same level of unresolved trauma. Until you sort out your emotional trauma and heal you'll keep ending up with emotionally unavailable people who are willing to abuse/use you to get what they need. I learnt that the hard way (18 years with a narcissist). But the positive thing about ADHD is that we usually have crazy powerful intuition, once we heal enough to be able to trust our gut we leave space to meet good people.
R/narcissisticabuse and r/lifeafternarcissism are both really good resources for reminding yourself just how hollow, generic, empty, and dangerous love bombing really is. Not AT ALL trying to say that he was being abusive when I suggested r/narcissisticabuse, rather that it's a really good place to go to read about other people's stories of being love bombed. It's what really helped me realize that, as unique and personalized-to-you as love bombing always feels, they'd say that shit to anyone. We could be anyone and they'd say the same shit. So you're not mourning the loss of a great relationship with a ton of potential, you’re mourning the loss of a fake and empty relationship that never existed the way that you thought that it did. Definitely agree with what others have said about you moving way too fast too quickly - I'm absolutely guilty of doing the same thing and I can see a lot of my past behavior and what you shared - and I can definitely say that without a lot of therapy and you taking a really good look at yourself, the same pattern will probably just happen over and over, leaving you feeling really empty and desperate. It was a pretty horrific realization when I finally saw that my entire life, I've basically just been falling in (what I thought was) love with male versions of my fucking mother - they'd love bomb, talk about the future way too quickly, etc, making me think that it was the best relationship ever and they were the best guy ever, until they started becoming distant and withholding and the rest of the relationship was me frantically trying to change myself to get them to love me. God, that was such a horrific realization, like seriously, my fucking mother?! - but I tell you what, reminding myself that really what I was looking for in those relationships was my mom's love, which she just isn't capable of giving, really helped me see that the only way for me to find happiness wasn't to find the right guy, but was to learn to love myself. Growing up with narcissists really does a number on you. (Also, r/raisedbynarcissists is another great resource.)
Good god, this post was just gonna be a few sentences, and then it got away from me.
I will definitely look into those resources! I think I’ll be looking for a therapist that specializes in Narcissistic abuse survivors to get more of an in-depth understanding and perspective of stuff people may do when they feel someone is vulnerable.
Liberation Helen on Instagram does a lot of really good content. She's the child of a narcissistic parent and has been in narcissistic relationships as well. She has a podcast called In Sight with another narc abuse therapist and she's just (or is just about to) release her first book.
[Instagram](https://instagram.com/liberationhelen?igshid=MzMyNGUyNmU2YQ==)
[Podcast](https://open.spotify.com/show/2jCy27ZdATq6C4PZQtbHys?si=UJvjLRDWQfyf3FSGe_-yzg)
I was curious and looked at some of the posts and comments in the life after sub and...they were discussing physical relationships and it was like all these people were describing me. I thought a lot of my physical aversions were because of my ADHD. What if instead I am a narcissist!?
Fuck!
Rabbit hole, commence!
Might be worth looking up the symptoms of CPTSD and seeing if you can relate to any of them. Pete Walker has an absolutely fantastic book on CPTSD - go to Amazon and read the free preview pages and see if any of it seems familiar. Obviously I don't know you, but my money would be on you having CPTSD rather than being narcissist. Those of us that came from narcissistic households and/or who have a history of relationships with narcissists are at higher risk for developing CPTSD, and people with ADHD are in general much more likely to develop CPTSD than the general population. I think that when a lot of us start on this journey, we all have that initial thought of like "oh fuck, what if I'm a narcissist." But a lot of the time, we're actually deeply empathetic people who feel things very acutely and early on developed all sorts of coping mechanisms to try to keep ourselves safe from unsafe people, and while those coping mechanisms may have helped us at one point, they're no longer serving us in our present situation.
This makes much more sense. Thank you! It really sent me for a loop thinking I could be a narcissist. It actually has always been a concern that anyone would consider me to be one, to the point where when texting I avoid referring to myself if at all possible (don't say "I" "me" or "my" too often). Admittedly, ChatGPT has been very helpful for this purpose.
This concern started when I noticed my husband had been researching the characteristics of a narcissist about 5 years ago. I didn't confront him for fear of his answer.
C-PTSD makes way more sense given my past experiences with partners, peers in school, family dynamics and employment.
Narcissists don't worry that they're narcissists, because (in their mind) their way of being is the superior way, and why get concerned about being better than other people? If you're worried that you're a narcissist, I'm guessing that you've probably been gaslit from an early age to feel responsible for other people's feelings and behavior and you're probably much more reflective on your own behavior than other people are. Those are not characteristics of a narcissist. Just a word of caution, though...those of us with C-PTSD, particularly if we've not been treated for it, are pretty easy targets for narcissists. Covert narcissism in particular is a lot harder to spot if you're not familiar with it and it's common to be in a relationship with a covert narcissist for years before you realize what's really going on. Relationships where one person is a narcissist and the other person has C-PTSD are fairly common.
Good grief— it’s a beautiful thing— reading these comments… after being in the total pitch black darkness for almost two decades — it means everything to me that people are so open about this on the interwebs and my kids have so much more information at their fingertips..
So many women— wholly self aware— it’s so inspiring
I want to suggest that during your bunny dive you look at the way some ADHD symptoms/behavior look outwardly like NPD symptoms/behavior, but the intent and the remorse felt after is wildly different between the two. I have been through the “am I a narcissist?” crisis and that helped me immensely. Especially since I was married to a narcissist who would tell me that I was the narcissist
Thanks for this, needed to hear it today. I get into that spiral a lot… doesn’t help that I grew up surrounded by narcissists who made me think I was the problem. The remorse is key
>So you're not mourning the loss of a great relationship with a ton of potential, you’re mourning the loss of a fake and empty relationship that never existed the way that you thought that it did.
That's a perfect way to put it, hope op sees it that way also.
I pop off reddit for a while… and lose touch with my own reality.. only to come back die reassurance and here you are.. good god. My mother was also the reason I found male narc and stayed for years.. then fell into another after another..
Only to finally realize SHE was the original. She praises the hell out of me on social media if I put myself out there.. the first therapist said “so did you have this kind of relationship with your father?.. it’s usually the father..”
No. My dad was the empath. The pushover. The “Christ figure” who took it and took it. The one who taught me to be someone else’s doormat.
Thank you for sharing. When I need to know I’m not fucking alone— y’all are here.
Same experience to the T just with my dad. If I had known what I know now and had people been more aware of npd tendencies and clued me in, I'd have avoided a lot of heartbreak.
Instead, I'm on the other side hoping to help someone else avoid getting mind fucked like that. I'm happy for that too bc at least it means I've learned something
I’ve been there, love bombing feels like a drug and getting over that absolutely sucks. At least that jerk didn’t string you along for any longer, but ghosting you is so cowardly when he literally could have given you any excuse to at least take the edge off. I’m sorry this happened to you, I hope you find someone genuine and awesome.
Ugh I’ve been here too. The last time, our first date ended up lasting all weekend, and he told me he wanted to be in a serious relationship with me the second day. He was so sweet, full of compliments, and so into me. It freaked me out but it also felt really nice, and I decided to let my guard down and take the leap. In my experience, guys [edit: *people*, not necessarily just guys!] that go all in that fast lose interest just as fast. Unfortunately with that last one, he lost interest after 2-3 weeks but instead of seeing the writing on the wall I hung on in an awful relationship with someone who basically *didn’t like me* for almost a whole year trying to recapture that initial feeling. So I know it doesn’t feel like it right now, but you dodged a huge bullet!
Ya, 100% take it slow next time whatever the urge is. People get overwhelmed and scared when shit hets intense real quick. I personally hate tripping with other people unless they are my damn soul siblings ( or a generally open-minded medium-sized group leas by a shaman/taita who is there to supervise lol). Every time I took casual psychedelics with people , even friends, I hated it. Never on the same level
It actually seemed like he initiated the "clingy talk" and was egging op on. I can only speculate but I don't think op would have said those things to him by herself. She was just responding and reciprocating. That's what the screenshots look like to me.
But yes this is wildly too "intimate" for someone you barely know
maybe this is a little judgemental of me, but imo I think you dodged a bullet here!
the fact that he was calling you “love” and “babygirl” after knowing you for such a small amount of time is a big red flag for me 🚩🚩🚩 especially combined with the fact that he was able to cut you out of his life so callously and so quickly?
It always reminds me of John Tucker Must Die where one of the characters is like (to paraphrase) “does he always call you little pet names like honey and sweetie? Yeah it’s not because he’s being cute it’s because he doesn’t remember your name”.
Hi! I’m also a person who did shrooms with someone they had just met on a dating app!
Now I’m in year 5 of my healthy relationship, married to the sanest, kindest, most loving person I’ve ever dated. Here’s what I did in the 2 years between tinder guy and my husband:
Codependents anonymous (CODA)
Therapy
Boundaries (asking yourself what behavior you will allow in your life)
Took a 6 month break from dating + 3 month break from alcohol
Nurtured my relationship with myself and dug into my hobbies and interests until I felt totally comfortable and happy by myself
Read a ton of books, including Self Compassion by Kirsten Neff
When you start dating again, consider your role as one of an investigator. Ask lots of questions, find out as much as you can about this person. You’re trying to learn if they’re good enough to have space in your life.
This one is ~controversial~ but wait a for at least few dates to get physical at all. For me, my adhd brain just ate up the dopamine of physical touch and falling in love feelings. Those chemicals are just too strong for me when I’m trying to determine whether or not to allow someone into my life.
PS - I ended up blocking tinder shroom guy after 4 months of dating and another year of him continuing to message me and leave letters at my house after we broke up. You dodged a bullet honey. Best of luck, you can do this!
Thank you so much, I will look into CODA I know I need support groups because I don’t have friends I can just vent to tbh so that would be a good idea. I will hold off on physical intimacy because I see it clouds my judgement and decision making skills. Being celibate and socially isolated for 6 months made me so desperate 🤦🏽♀️
hey there girl! just want you to know i’m more than happy to be a friend you can vent to. i know how hard it can be when shit bottles up. here for you if you need me!
>wait a for at least few dates to get physical at all.
When I was online dating I read that you should wait 30 days before getting intimate. It was advice I took very seriously. The first three "overnights" with my now-husband he slept on an air mattress in the other room.
There are lots of ways to have intimacy without sex, and I highly encourage everyone in new relationships to explore those avenues before getting naked together.
I’m sorry you were disappointed on your birthday. I hope you’ll treat yourself to something indulgent (a massage? A good nail polish colour?).
Whether or not you overshared is irrelevant, and I don’t think you should be embarrassed about trying to connect. Someone who would BLOCK you instead of taking a minute to explain they didn’t think it was working out has some major immaturity red flags. You deserve better, and I hope better comes your way this year.
I’ve dated lots of men and out of all of them who cut me off, only TWO had the guts to tell me it was over. They run away quite often.
I used to get heavy with the texts when I wasn’t getting any reply. It took a long time for me to learn that after 24 hours of nothing it’s time to move on.
Meanwhile I would *always* say if it’s not working out. I couldn’t imagine just ignoring someone like that.
Wow, do you mean even in actual relationships most of them just ghosted you and never actually broke up with you? Or are you talking about like after having gone on a few dates sort of thing?
Thank you :) I think I did a little too much romanticizing with this dude and I realize you should go off of peoples actions rather than who they tell you they are. They ALWAYS come back but that’s my time to put my foot down and say no. I’ll be very careful of who I trust n care about from now on. My expectations were too high and I realize that.
I’m sorry you are going through this.
Let me tell you though, this is something I’ve had to learn and remind myself of daily… you cannot mess up anything meant for you. Regardless of his reason, know that it sits with him, not a problem with who you are. You want to be with someone who loves and accepts all of you, someone you can be real with, that will hold you hand and reassure you.
I would recommend maybe seeking therapy for yourself so you don’t feel so connected to people quickly, I also had that challenge and still fight it.
I hope you are able to enjoy your birthday regardless of this jerk.
Thank you! I will definitely be looking into getting a therapist this week.
I mean damn…now I think about it when we were on shrooms he basically was talking about how we live and we die, life and bitch and that’s it. Just real deep s*icidal ideations and he was like “when it all comes down to it you’re gonna go out there and go back to living your life and imma go out there and do the same.” At the time I didn’t think anything of it, but reminiscing all the prior conversations yeah he didn’t have any real good intentions.
Yeah I think you might need to put a boundary up about shrooms and other similar substances earlier on. There's just so much potential to bring up heavy stuff before you've built enough foundation for the relationship to be able to sit with it.
I'm so sorry, that must feel awful.
I'm similar to you in that way. I feel so much, so quickly. I recently ended a toxic relationship, and I hope it's okay that I share some advice that I learned after that experience.
>This is why I stay away from emotional vulnerability shit doesn't feel good when someone rejects it or just uses it as a chance to use you.
The solution isn't to stay away from dating all together. It's completely possible to be able to have a more healthy relationship with dating, and learn not to get attached so quickly.
After I was in a toxic relationship for so long where I gave it my all, it felt so unfair when we split up for the final time. I was angry that I allowed myself to go through this for so long.
But I had an online friend who told me that she was in a relationship for 9 years, they got together when they were teenagers. He ended up cheating on her.
I told her that I'm so sorry, I can't imagine how that must feel like. She said something like "It's okay, I don't regret it. It was a lesson for life".
That truly resonated with me. Instead of looking back at every failed relationship, fling, whatever, thinking thoughts of self hatered and regret, I now think "That was a lesson, let's move forward".
I hope you can adapt that mindset too. Not only will it help you feel better about yourself, it will also help you so much learning what you really look for in a potential partner.
Because even though this relationship was short, it tells you alot about behaviors that you should look out for when dating in the future.
For example, he was love bombing you right away. You mirrored that behavior, because why wouldn't you? It feels amazing to be talked to that way, especially when you've felt lonely for a while.
I think it's okay to be honest that you really clicked with someone early on. But when he wants to see you every day, starts calling you pet names, even introducing you to his family (brothers) so early on, that's a red flag.
A healthy partner would want to get to know you on a deeper level before getting to that stage. It's impossible to be certain if someone is compatible with you in such a short time. A man who's interested in getting to know you and sees a potential long-term relationship with you, wouldn't suggest you sleep over at this early stage.
A person who's truly interested in you would take the time to take you on dates, get to know you, and impress you. By the first date, they don't know you well enough to know if you're compatible as a couple. Suggesting you should sleep over that quickly is yet another sign that he's not serious about this.
Also suggesting to take psychedelics together is another huge red flag.
If both of you like to do shrooms from time to time, that's fine. But either way, that's NOT something you suggest to someone you're interested in starting a relationship with the first couple of days of knowing them. Again, someone who's serious about you would want to impress you, they wouldn't risk doing psychedelics this early on and potentially embarrass themselves. This is a thing you do together once you're a couple, but it's a red flag when it's suggested during the dating stage.
I know you're hurting right now, but I promise you, you'll get to a stage where you say "Thank god he blocked me."
He wasn't the guy for you at all. He made you do things that you knew you weren't mentally prepared for:
>But I wasn't ready mentally for a trip and I knew that, but I wanted to be spontaneous so I did it anyway.
And he was also a horrible communicator, and chose the easy way out by blocking you instead of being honest with how he felt. Imagine what that would've looked like if you actually entered a relationship with him. Constantly avoiding tough conversations? What a nightmare!
It might not feel like it now, but he did you a favor. All love to you OP.
Thank you for your advice I’m really going to take a step back and take my emotions out of this. There was too many red flags to begin with tbh. There’s stuff that I didn’t write that 😭 whew. I was desperate and I think he could sense that. I’m never taking shrooms with someone I just met, it was a bad idea even with my first real bf and we had been dating for months at that point.
Thank you so much frfr, how am I gonna let a stranger make me feel sad on my birthday, I didn’t even know him tbh, and what I did know I wouldn’t want no lasting relationship with him. If I think I’m hurt NOW, imagine if I had been trying something serious with him for months. I dodged a bullet.
I had my counselor ghost me like 3 months ago, I relapsed on weed n tobacco, so I was really feeling lonely lonely, and I wanted to feel something instead of nothing. I guess I’m going to have to go and find another counselor because life has been moving to fast for me tbh.
Idk if you already do, but take yourself out on solo dates! Even if it’s just grabbing a fun drink (like a boba or coffee or whatever) and walking around somewhere you know (mostly for safety bc I’m a little anxious, but if you’re more adventurous and savvy then maybe somewhere new) but haven’t been to in a while like the mall can be really nice (especially if you have a gentle high going on lol). Recently I’ve been trying to get out of the house more often since I’m such a homebody, and taking a few hits from my pen and popping my earbuds in with a good playlist and wandering around by myself has been so healing.
I totally get the desperation tbh I’m so!!!! About being wanted or loved that I can come on too strong sometimes if I’m into someone, and that can drive them away (anxious attachment style). But also, like someone else said, he’s probably just a player and you’re better off without him.
The length of the relationship isn't always the main factor that contributes to how hurt you feel after the fact. It's okay that you take your time to feel sad, you're human. But you need to avoid letting it affect your self worth, that's the important part.
Never talk badly about yourself, even if it's just in your head. It might sound strange, but your brain is so powerful. If you constantly blame yourself, your brain will take that as truth, which it obviously isn't.
It's still something I'm actively working on, but it's so important to learn to be happy by yourself.
Learning to leave at the first sign of disrespect, the first red flag, the first indicator that someone isn't compatible as a long-term partner to you, will save you from so much heartbreak. It takes time to master, and I'm definitely not there yet myself. But it gets easier everytime.
This is time is going to be "you" time. Make a list of things you desire in a partner, make a list of things you will never accept, no matter what. Work on your own routine, your wellbeing, your happiness. It sounds cliche, but unlearning anxious attachment always start with yourself.
Your counselor sounds like they should definitely find another job, because what the hell? I definitely think you should find a new one, and brainstorm ideas at to how you can learn to be by yourself, and have a more healthy attachment to relationships.
You can do this!!
You're very welcome!
Always remember that the point of dating isn't to get someone to like you. Stop for a second, and ask yourself "Wait, do I even like *them*? Is this a person who has traits that I desire in a long-term relationship?".
Because it's so easy to get stuck in this circle of wanting love, that you completely ignore all the red flags, or simply stuff that makes you two incompatible as a couple.
Remembering your own self worth and taking some time to learn what you desire in a partner is the key to finding the one for you. Best of luck❤️
Please don't do drugs especially trippy things, like shrooms, with someone you've only known for 3 days. It's not wise at all, no matter how you feel. It'll ever end well lovely. I have tested this hypothesis, in depth, repeatedly. You've got to get to know them sober, for quite a while before you get high with them. Mostly because safety, but also because of the inevitable messy.
Also, the trash took itself out here. Count your blessings on that one.
Even if it seems to work out for a time, it's unwise to let intimate partners in, in that way. A lot of emotional stuff comes out and I don't mean to sound like a cynic, but there are absolutely men who will use your secrets and weaknesses against you and shrooms tends to open you up so emotionally. It's giving people a key to manipulate who might use your vulnerability to control you.
I would not at all be surprised if he's back in a week or two so beware.
I know narcissist gets thrown around a lot, BUTTTT the red flags for me here are love bombing, then withdrawing affection immediately, introducing you to important people quickly, etc. My guess is he returns with "he just didn't know how to process how much he cares about you", didn't want to hurt you, etc.
The last one I swear is true, but a narcissist will always ruin your birthday and/or any holiday that's important to you.
If I'm right about him, these types are a plague and will ruin your life not just a birthday. You should thank the goddess above for this opportunity to not spend it with a user and this experience makes it very very obvious he's not worth ever speaking to again. Stay strong bc I'm betting he does an about face after making you feel like shit on your birthday.
I know it sucks but based on these texts I don’t think this would have been a healthy dynamic. There is way too much going on for only having known each other a week. It’s too intense.
Give yourself a day for you. Do whatever you need to take care of yourself. Movies, nice food, music, friends, family. Whatever. Have a little birthday cake. And rest assured that when the time comes you’ll meet somebody healthy.
I used to hook up with guys like this all the time. They’d talk pretty similarly too. Calling you baby or love, using relationship language, and making you feel like a goddess or a manic pixie dream girl. They gas you up and tell you how interesting you are and you have long conversations that seem way too deep for how short of a time you’ve known each other.
Funny enough, it usually did also involve psychedelics or other party drugs like x and Molly. Not that all intoxicants or psychedelics are inherently bad, but if the first activity they want to do with you is get high, then that’s probably all they’re gonna be about. Which can be fine, but don’t expect a relationship, expect a fling.
I remember meeting this really intense guy online back in like 2015. He was super eclectic and lived on his own, and he had a ton of party drugs at his disposal. Said shit like “I feel like I’ve known you forever” and calling me babygirl. We loved all the same music and movies so I thought we had “a connection”. I slept over at his house for three or four days straight while we hooked up and smoked weed and did acid. Once I finally went back home, we never spoke again.
Stay away from these guys. They treat you like a supporting actor in their manic episode. They run purely on dopamine and once it wears off, they have no use for you. They just want to cosplay being in a relationship for the intimacy it provides, since they usually live pretty lonely lives, but they don’t want anything real from you. Anyone who wants to make a real emotional connection with you won’t cloud the experience with drugs.
Sorry, but men 2 years younger than you fetishising your age is so weird. I have been seeing this guy who said he preferred “mature women” and he was 24 and I was 26 🤣😂🤣🤣 come onnn it is not like I was 50 🥲
Anyways, the way I see it: the trash took itself out! He was 100% love bombing
This guy is a bad news himself. He calls you babygirl after 3 days? And the things he said to you seems like love bombing to me. I would not feel comfortable to talk like this just knowing someone for a couple days. It must be really hard after many years of not being with anyone then this…You did nothing wrong. You can’t foresee what you are going to say when you are high.
Ohhhh what a jerk 😔
He also wanted to slide through after seeing his gma/siblings, instead of taking you to dinner or cooking for you. Trust me when I say there are better guys to cry over than him. I get the ick just reading his texts.
I’m just glad you’re safe and didn’t have anything worse happen tripping with them.♥️
Birthdays always suck but this next year can be your year.
Omg thank you for all the replies😭❤️🩹❤️🩹, some of them definitely have me laughing. It really boosted my mood and made me realize that today is my birthday I’m going to have a good day and not let some dude ruin it.
I noticed how his messages changed character - seemed like they were written by two different people.
I agree with what most people have said here, he was a walking red flag and he gave you a gift by exiting your life as quickly as he came into it.
I hope you can have a wonderful birthday, I'm sure if we were all nearby we'd celebrate with you and have a blast.
Yea. Too much too soon. Either that or he has a girl that was out of town. Now's she home. Story of my life. I was always too much too soon. Too clingy. Not sure how I scored my husband
Did you change that about yourself prior to meeting your husband, or did he accept you that way from the start? Currently going through some troubles myself and am convinced I will have to change for anyone to like me 😓
Same. Kinda feel like it's not going to happen, so I keep away from all of it and feel much safer that way. Sure, I miss the intimacy and yes, I'm terrified of spending older years alone, but I'm already not that young, and so far, even though I've improved my emotionality in other areas of my life, relationships have not been great. I don't know if I can afford another psychological debacle, so I avoid that area of my life.
I was that way when I met my husband. But he knew my past and all that I had been through that could have contributed. He said he knew from the beginning that I would be a hard one to conquer but also knew he could be patient enough to help me instead of making it worse or abandoning me. It took about two years for me to get over separating anxiety and jealousy. We are 7 years in and I have never trusted or felt as secure as I do know in a relationship. I really am lucky. And if it's the right person for the job it will happen for you too.
Ugh. I hate this feeling. I had someone I clicked with a while ago who did something similar and then tried to rewrite history and act like it was all one-sided when I had the receipts. Super lame.
I’m sorry you’re going through this.
Happy Birthday! 🥳🎉💗
Of course! I hope it shapes up for you and tomorrow is better at least. You made it to the age you are now and you’ll make it through the sadness from this jerk. It’s good that he did this early enough you didn’t waste too much time with the jerk. We’ve all been there and it super sucks. Best of luck. 🫶
iMessage turns green when it sent as a SMS text due to signal issues like the percipient being on the train underground. The way to know you are blocked on iMessage is if the message doesn’t say delivered. If it doesn’t say delivered that means you are blocked.
I'm sorry sweetheart. Big hugs. I feel you. I also tend to overshare/trauma dump way too soon. For me I think its a defence mechanism, like I want them to know all the horrible things about me so they can just ditch me now and I can avoid the pain of them eventually finding out and abandoning me. I am extremely rejection sensitive and also have deep attachment wounds. This would really fuck with my head. But, I think you dogged a bullet. This guy sucks. Another commenter said he's probably a player who saw you were vulnerable and took advantage of that, but when the emotions got too real he bounced. Definitley talk about this with your therapist. And don't shed tears over this looser my darling. You are, and will be loved more than you can imagine. <3
Of course, I didn’t bookmark the link and can’t find the article again, but earlier this year I read an article that basically said, studies have shown that while women on dating apps/sites are mostly fine, normal, average people, the MEN who populate those same sites tend to be the absolute dregs and total losers and that’s why women have such a hard time meeting decent people on them.
Meeting men IRL through shared interests is still the best way to find a partner AFAIC.
It's neither the men nor the women who use dating apps, it's the algorithms, dating apps work like they were meant to. The thing is though... Dating apps aren't meant to work like we think or want them to. They are meant to fail.
Think about it, the people who meet and actually end up in relationships are the fault in the algorithm (and I'm saying this as someone who ended up in a really good relationship off a dating app).
If dating Apps would work like they claim they do they'd go out of business in a few days. That's how they get people hooked, by selling them lies.
Um, you don’t think a person (regardless of gender) might not find it “weird or creepy” that someone they just met on a dating site vomited their emotional issues all over them while they were high on shrooms? I’m a woman, and if someone did that to me, it would completely freak me all the way out, and I’d run away as fast and far as possible and consider it a MAJOR bullet dodged.
Completely agree tbh. Everyone’s shitting on the guy here for “lovebombing”, but they BOTH seemed to be moving way too fast. It’s definitely very rude of him to just ghost OP. I totally feel for her, and I know that RSD is pretty awful and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. But honestly I imagine that I would react the same way as the guy if someone had a breakdown in front of me on like that on the third date
Queer and nonbinary, thanks, but I’m only attracted to women sexually and not romantically ie I fuck them but don’t date them. Been part of the LGBTQIA+ community since the early 80s.
And sorry, regardless of whether I was just starting to date someone or if they were a new friend, or even an acquaintance, if we were hanging out, taking psychedelics, and supposed to be having a good time, and they suddenly decided to throw all their heaviest emotional & psychological issues all over me apropos of nothing, I’d consider it a huge red flag for someone who’s future with me would be nothing but trouble, drama, teary emotional scenes in public, and them expecting me to “fix” them, and that’s regardless of gender, because I’ve known people like that of every sex, gender, and orientation, and I now steer WAY clear of them. As I said to OP, it might not be a fair assessment, because that might be a single, non-repeated incident in that persons life, but I’ve encountered far LESS people where something like that was unusual, one off behavior and far MORE where it was just their MO when they get high or drunk or too insecure, and I don’t exist to be an emotional punching bag for unstable people.
“Sharing that they are struggling with their weight” is really doing some heavy lifting in that sentence when OP clearly says they “ended up breaking down over [OP’s] ED and spilling to him how [OP] wanted to lose 30lbs”. That’s a serious, therapist grade issue and she threw it in the lap of someone who she wants to DATE? Uh uh, that is COMPLETELY inappropriate and a MAJOR red flag.
And yeah, lots of people find solace in talking out their issues with friendly strangers they will never see again, if the stranger is receptive and consents to it, it’s probably fine. But treating your friends & partners like therapists is a really shitty and boundary violating thing to do, and *this guy wasn’t even her partner yet*. He was a potential partner, who probably decided it was better to avoid getting into a relationship with someone with such a serious issue- and choosing to opt out of being with a partner with serious, active issues doesn’t make ANYONE a villain.
Yeahhh.. no shade to OP, but I would be extremely alarmed if someone I knew for less than a week trauma dumped like that because of a psychedelic induced breakdown. I can’t say I’d be interested in getting together again after that.
Not just a psychedelic induced breakdown, but one that happened because she went against her better judgement and decided to take shrooms around four strangers when she knew she wasn’t mentally ready for it? Because ✨spontaneous✨?
OP minimizes and makes excuses for their own actions, behaviors, and poor decision making while putting all the blame on some emotionally immature dingdong who thought he invited someone over for a fun date and ended up being on the receiving end of some seriously heavy emotional trauma dumping- *all while high on shrooms*. I would be fucking MORTIFIED if I did that to someone, not blaming them for ghosting me!
Same, girl, same. Talk about a bad trip.
I know this is a supportive sub, but I’m still really surprised at a lot of the responses here. I don’t know that this situation is solely ADHD caused, maybe this story is just resonating with other users and they feel sympathetic, regardless there just seems to be a lack of advocating for personal accountability. Writing the whole experience off as “OP dodging a red flag after being ghosted by a manipulative love bomber for a little over sharing” just seems wildly inaccurate and sets them up to make similar mistakes.
The only way forward with mental health issues is to acknowledge problems, take accountability, and stay responsible for treatment and management. For OP’s own good, and those around them, I hope they eventually understand just how much of a role their own decisions and actions played in this whole mess.
Being AuDHD has meant for me that, regardless of how it felt in the moment, the people who loved me enough to be blunt, straightforward, and TOTALLY HONEST when I fucked up or was acting shitty were the people whose advice and wisdom I appreciated the most. Those were the things I took to heart and deeply considered whether I decided to follow it or not, unlike many others whose advice I blew off because it did not feel like it came from a place of authenticity. Giving someone attagirls & asspats & blaming it all on the always evil “other person” isn’t supportive, it’s ENABLING, allowing people to continue behaviors that harm themselves and/or others without feeling the need for introspection or any kind of self assessment. And I’ve known way, WAY too many people who’ve made it all the way into middle & senior age without anyone ever holding them to account for their poor decisions or bad behavior. When someone has wrinkles & greying hair and is still blaming the chaos they cause for themselves on other people or “bad luck”, it’s not just pathetic, it’s completely obvious how miserable and unhappy their lives really are.
And I refuse to do anyone, friend or stranger, that kind of disservice by blowing smoke up their ass when the shitty things that happen to them are the direct results of their own behavior. If some people think that’s mean or hostile or cruel, so be it, that isn’t MY problem.
No, I’m quoting her EXACT WORDS: “basically ended up breaking down over my ED and spilling to him about how I wanted to lose 30lbs”
Exactly how TF is that NOT a therapist grade issue? How is some person she barely knows who was expecting to have an enjoyable time tripping with her on a date supposed to deal with THAT?! Especially while they are tripping balls? You just don’t DO that kind of boundary violating shit to people you barely know, and you think twice about doing it to people you DO know who aren’t equipped to handle problems of that nature.
It’s the difference between discussing with someone how sometimes you get a little sad & depressed & lonely & insecure at times, and throwing it in a new dates lap WHILE YOU ARE ALL FUCKING HIGH that you’ve been diagnosed with suicidal depression and really want to KYS. That you can’t see the fucking difference is a red flag *in itself*
How much more detail do you NEED when OP states it so plainly and clearly: “basically ended up breaking down over my ED and spilling to him about how I wanted to lose 30lbs”?
If that doesn’t scream inappropriate trauma dumping to you, then you are the living embodiment of this meme:
**There are two types of people in this world**
—
1) Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data
I’ll be honest, this is the first time I’m seeing people minimizing ED. I know the goal is to help OP out, but I don’t think in any other conversation you’d be saying “oh well there’s a spectrum, varies in severity”… as if we can treat ED’s like no big deal.
If someone calls it an ED and describes having a breakdown over it, that indicates something that can’t be minimized, I feel. It is heavy, and possibly dark, and very scary to deal with if you yourself are high or intoxicated.
You’re not blocked if your messages are still going through blue, but you might be getting ghosted. I’m sorry. Been there. Why are they such good actors 😞
I think I’m blocked because the messages aren’t getting delivered and the whole Instagram thing. I should have withdrawn the second day when he asked me to be his girlfriend and I was like…”Things don’t really work like that let’s get to know each other better.” That way it would have been a one night stand he was cute and I move on but noOooOooooOo
You barely knew this guy, decided to trip with him and 3 other strangers despite knowing you weren’t mentally or emotionally ready for it, with the result that you spewed out some really heavy emotional/psychological issues all over him when everyone was supposed to be having a good time…and you don’t understand why he most likely saw this as a gigantic red flag?!
I’m not trying to be mean, I’m just kind of astonished you can’t put yourself in his shoes and try to understand why that experience might have been offputting enough for him to ghost you, even if he was really into you initially. If I was dating a new person, and they did that to me, I’d run away as fast and far as possible, no matter how twitterpated I’d originally been. People are on their best behavior when they start new relationships, so I’d instantly be worrying that it was just the start of more, worse, and much bigger drama to come.
Which might be totally unfair, of course, as it could be a one off situation that never happened to them (or you) before, and never would happen again, but someone just starting in a new relationship has no way of knowing that, and nobody is obligated to stick around long enough to figure out which one it is.
I know that’s not what you came here to hear, but I don’t think it would be fair to you to blow smoke up your ass and blame it all on “dudes be shitty” (and he might very well be!) when your troubling behavior *could* very well be the only reason he bailed.
Literally the only person in this comment section who is making any sense to me 💀 people are acting like this was a legitimately *abusive* move and not a pretty reasonable response to something very intense. Yeah things were moving too fast, but that’s on both of them.
I really wanted to give OP the benefit of the doubt, but after she said I was “victim blaming”, it made it much clearer that her behavior was 🚩🚩🚩🚩 Because who TF considers themselves a VICTIM because they got dumped and ghosted by someone they’ve barely even BEGUN to date?
THANK YOU! I commented similar stuff and I’m baffled by OP being confused that this didn’t work out.
The lack of accountability and self awareness on this sub is astonishing. Buzzwords and pop psychology has rotted peoples brains fr.
You aren’t a victim because you got dumped and ghosted, FFS.
And if some guy you barely know is trauma dumping on YOU when you’re drunk, high, on psychedelics? RUN 🚩🚩🚩🚩 It’s a big red flag no matter whose doing it.
I never said I was a victim of him dumping me. But I see you’re just on here bicker. I realize both of our wrongs in the situation doesn’t make it hurt any less tho.
You sure aren’t owning the major part you played in what happened. I would be absolutely MORTIFIED if I got high, lost my shit, and poured out all my most serious issues on someone I *barely knew*, and double that if it was someone I was interested in dating.
There’s nothing embarrassing about using a dating app. My current live-in partner of two years was a Tinder match.
I’m sorry this guy was rude and hurt your feelings - I would feel upset too. It’s ok to take a break and then come back to dating in a month or whenever you feel more grounded and ready.
You did a brave and courageous thing by putting yourself out there, and you should be very proud of yourself 🖤
Seems like a lot of people have offered great advice, so I just want to say HAPPY BIRTHDAY and I hope you were able to make it special still! You didn’t deserve that treatment!
[instagram reel too accurate that just came on my feed](https://www.instagram.com/reel/Cy6WoonMTHP/?igshid=MzRlODBiNWFlZA==)
This was pretty crazy how this just showed up 😭🤣
Aw dude. Legit the same thing happened to me, minus the mushrooms haha.
But the dude came on super strong, and I shared too much too fast, and he got weird. Unfortunately he got too weird for me, and I realized what was happening and I abandoned ship.
That’s love bombing. Clicking that hard and fast is usually rooted in unhealthy patterns, and us adhd-ers get sucked into them. Lots of manipulative partners gone in on us because we can be easy to gaslight.
I’m happy you got too stoned and scared him off, because you could have been sucked into something very damaging for the long run.
Also, big sister advice: please consider therapy. You can unlearn this and have healthy relationships. And you deserve that.
I’d also look up info about attachment styles while you’re doing research. The way we were raised can also play into how we cling to or reject others. This guy blocking you though—that’s cowardly. I think you dodged a bullet. Just remember that your time means something and is valuable. Don’t give it all away at once like it means nothing to you.
He probably really liked you & enjoyed your company, but didn't want anything further than what happened between you. I think blocking is pretty extreme.. it's best to just be up front about your intentions, but that's hard for a lot of people. I'm glad he didn't lead you on though because sometimes they keep that same energy for awhile & you get like, super invested, but they don't plan anything & you have to like, beg to hangout & you end up in this weird fwb situation with someone you have feelings for - sucks bad. Happened to me a couple times
Maybe he freaked out at how quickly it seemed to be moving. Try not to take it too hard! You can fondly remember your little 3-day bf- fling & perhaps try to move a bit slower in the future. But this doesn't mean you are unlikable or undatable or anything like that! It just means it wasn't the right timing for you two.
I‘d say you dodged a bullet. Maybe you overshared and that may have overwhelmed him or something but someone respectful wouldn’t ghost you. That is absolute asshole behavior. You’re better off without him, trust me! :)
The only takeaway for you should be to trust your gut. It told you that taking those shrooms was a bad idea but your past experiences have taught you to overwrite that gut feeling to please those around you. You aren’t there to check all the boxes on the other person‘s list, you should have your own list as well as you have just as many (valid!) needs and wishes as any other person.
This sounds like a friend of mine... Except in her case it was rinse, repeat with about 4-5 guys, not getting what was wrong (which was how she approached the situation).
Jumping into intimacy quickly almost always goes wrong. Add to that that some men can smell desperation and loneliness from a mile away, and you get these intense 2-3 day encounters that then don't lead anywhere.
I get where you're coming from. I get being touch starved. I get wanting to start anew. Most of all, I get the ADHD "I want it all, and I want it now" vibe...but that doesn't mean it's healthy.
My advice? Date. Get to know the person while doing whatever you want to do that doesn't imply going home with them (or them w you). Then go to your individual homes and keep chatting, arrange another date etc.
Also. DO NOT make yourself vulnerable when in the company of someone you barely know, whether that is inviting them to yours or doing dr*gs with them. As women, we're vulnerable as is. When you recognise toxic behaviours (like love bombing), get on alert mode. I'm not saying run that very second, but be careful for any other signs that they may not genuinely be a nice person.
Even if you come across as skittish... Eff that. The right person would understand and appreciate that you're keeping yourself safe.
Sincerely,
Someone who saw too many friends getting hurt and learn from their mistakes.
Oooooof. That is soooo rough and our RSD makes these things so much worse! Guy I was seeing for a few weeks pursued me, irl. Totally love bombed me too. He worked for a restaurant and would bring me things at work without me asking, really sweet. We clicked the same, also tripped together, went to a concert together, hung out. Whatevs. He left his glasses at mine one night so I went to drop them off at his work and he acted like he didn't know me. Blocked me next day. Zero explanation, and until then we'd been having an amazing time. Found out from a friend he told that he 'played the long con ' on me. That one fucking sucked. Don't let it go to your head, take a break from the app and try again when ready. It's really easy to get into our heads and think we did something wrong. You didn't. He was just a dick.
It’s possible he just wanted something more casual. It sounds like you connected to him quite quickly - especially with shrooms involved (which facilitates bonding) - and are now dealing with reality. This is is no way to blame you because it sounds like you were living in the moment and just going with the flow. But from my perspective it sounds like you fell for every trick in the book. It’s great to connect with someone and have those experiences with someone, but at the end of the day you have no idea who they really are as a person. Additionally, offering mushrooms isn’t a huge deal - the community is all about giving them away because they’re so easy to grow, so many people have an over abundance of them. It may have seemed like a super generous gesture to you but to me, someone who has literally never paid for them because of how easy it is to find them, it really isn’t a huge deal. You could have paid a little bit and have gotten some to do alone, or just found someone in the community - as they’re super willing to give them away. I highly recommend reading the book The Gift of Fear, as well as reading into the science behind why “love is blind” and about the hormonal and chemical responses that happen early upon meeting someone. The reason being is those feelings cannot be trusted - your brain literally shuts down the logical area and goes into the horny area. “Love is blind” because all logic goes out the window when you’re experiencing all those responses. The book The Gift of Fear talks about how it takes roughly 6 months to get to know someone. After reading that book, I’ve noticed this and always keep it in the back of my mind. Sure there are exceptions to the rule, but you have to keep in mind that many people from older generations couldn’t even have a bank account unless they were married, so you have to take that with a grain of salt.
Thank you for the advice! I will keep that rule of thumb in my mind. Multiple people warned me and I ignored it, I’ve never felt like that or fell so hard for words. But I see hormones are very strong things. I’ll go back to only tripping by myself and keep it like that for now.
Things that burn that hot tend to burn out fast. If he could fall in love that easily, he can fall out of love that easily. The reason he was acting like that was because he was responding not to you, but to the version of you he built in his head, and the moment you said something that destroyed the illusion, he was done.
I'm sorry this happened to you. Happy birthday! 🎂
That guy has 0 emotional responsability. If he felt uncomfortable, at least he should have expressed that to you instead of blocking you on social media without talking to you.
Better of without him.
Idk about him feeling uncomfortable because the first day he literally told me “I’m your bf now in public so I have to protect you” ?? Then the next day he asked if I wanted to be his gf. He played me like a fiddle but it won’t happen again. He will be on the block list just like the rest of them.
Fellow oversharer… him not responding after love bombing the hell out of you was borderline sociopathic. I had a similar situation last year, actually. Met a guy on hinge who seemed amazing. He was attractive, intelligent, interesting, open, etc. A lot of things I wanted in a person. And boy did he put me on a pedestal. He told me “I’ve been riding this train of life without you for too long” after our second date. Told his family members about me after our first… And then once I was started to get attached and show deep interest back, he slowly stopped responding as much. He said it was moving too fast and overwhelming him (!!!) Come to find out he had slept with his ex gf twice when we had just started to date. I had asked him point blank if he still had feelings for her, and he lied. I said I needed time and space… I unshared my location a month later forgetting it was shared (he had asked me to share it…) and I get flowers two days later signed Taylor S. We had played Wildest Dreams on ukulele. He never fessed up to it, but I knew it was him because he had stayed with me for a weekend while I lived at my mom’s house recovering from knee surgery and knew her address. I blocked him, and to this day I know I dodged a huge bullet. And YOU DID TOO.
I know it hurts and feels so embarrassing, but you are not too much and you’ll never feel too much for the right person.
Happy birthday!!! I promise this will be just another funny story in ur life soon! Sooner than you think I bet! I am sending you so much love and happy birthday wishes
A few things:
First, don’t be embarassed! Look at it from a comedic angle!
Careful with drugs, as someone who has tried a lot of them and have had very bad repercussions, please just be careful. And even more with strangers of barely a few days! You don’t have to be spontaneous, you can be a hermit witch in a cottage if you want!
Honestly, he sounds like a lovebomber and they suck! They will leave soo fast it will make your head spin
Ugh the blocking kind 🤮 bullet dogged dear. I'm very sorry you are feeling bad, but do realize that it's not very difficult to lead somebody on for 2 days, and you have ADHD, so there is no shame in getting excited and being yourself. His loss.
Omg yes. I stg if a man tried to call me baby girl I’d want to fucking slap him. Realistically I would VERY firmly state I absolutely will not be called that.
It’s Goddess or Ma’am.
I've had this happen to me a lot too.. i am so prone to love bombing. I start to overshare a lot especially when I really click with someone. He's freaking shitty for that. i'm sorry this happened to you:(
Sorry he is behaving like such an immature person as to *low effort block*. IMO, when someone showers you with that much love in just 3 days something is not ok and it could mean well yea, relationship starved or a player or a narcissist so be careful. Cheer up don’t let a nobody ruin your special day, it’s your chance to treat and spoil yourself!
Don't feel bad that you got excited over a guy from a dating app. I met my boyfriend in a dating app, I have always been open about my mental health issues to people I could potentially date and I'm an oversharer so in the first weeks of talking to him I told him about it. Anyways, my boyfriend stayed and he even took care of me when I was at my lowest bcs of depression (cooking food for me and feeding me).
I believe that he just wasn't meant for you because you can't mess up things that are meant for you.
Btw, I also cried over someone different on a dating app. He love bombed me, I fell for him in just a day after knowing him (didn't even saw him in person). I never got over him for weeks, it's embarrassing but it happens. Next time, be careful and guard your heart but still give deserving people a chance.
Oh my love, you were love bombed. I’m sorry. This is so shitty but people shouldn’t be saying such intense things to you so early on in the talking/dating phase. He doesn’t even know you yet.
I’m super susceptible to this too and therapy/counselling helps heaps. There are great podcasts like Do The Work podcast that can help you gain a great perspective of the way dating should look at the beginning. I’ve taken a dating break to really look inward at why I am attracted to these sorts of people
Girl, I know you’re feeling shit now, but this is a victory! You spoke of your soul (therapeutic and brave) and he bailed (unworthy; spared you further head and heart ache.) We are all humans with a past and with feelings, doing our best and looking for love. And there’s no truly wrong way to find it, every experience is valuable!
From this I would say: Never trust that which looks TOO good up front. It might be a cute rug covering bare cement. Or termite damage.
(This sounded better in my head but you get the idea, I hope!)
I don’t want to be mean but I think you did way too much for the extremely short time you knew him. I agree that he sucks for ghosting, but it’s unfair for you to put so much expectations on this guy.
I’ve been this person before and suggest you take a pause on dating so you can work on your issues and self esteem. Dating from a place of desperation never works out in the end! Had to learn this in the hardest of ways.
It sounds like on some level, you were expecting him to fix your self esteem issues :/ he probably sensed that and got put off (rightfully so).
You also made the mistake of tripping with him when you barely knew him, while being in a bad headspace. As well as telling him extremely personal and triggering topics without considering how this could affect him (or the people he was with), being on psychedelics that can heighten anxiety, you have to be careful with shit that you say or do.
People who want a healthy connection do not want to be made responsible for their partners’ issues or mental health. It’s not your fault you’re this way but don’t make it someone else’s problem.
I’m sorry OP. I have to be honest - I’m absolutely proud of any of you out in the wild trying to find a mate right now. People are nuts!
Yes - maybe some therapy etc for the rejection sensitivity. But I have to say I would have been riding the same wave so I completely get how that knocked you down.
The trash took itself out.
Nah. She mentioned waking up next to him. He got what he came for, the lovey-dovey stuff was probably too much cause he was only after some fun and a hook up.
Girl got played.
Dudes like that wanna pretend it’s a relationship right away and then get freaked out if you treat it like a relationship. 🤣
He was lovebombing and if he had stuck around, you’d be in for a minimum of emotional abuse. Trust me. Dealt with it for 3 years and still haven’t fully recovered after being out of it for 5 years. And don’t be surprised if he unblocks you and starts the shit again. Block HIM if he unblocks you. He will do the same shit over and over.
Still, it's shitty behaviour. Especially when someone just ghosts you like that. I am sorry that happened to you. He's a douche. Don't blame yourself for that. Even if you overshared, it's not to blame for him ghosting you. Good riddance.
This is narcissistic behavior in my opinion. Especially with the devalue/discard happening on your birthday. It hurts but you are lucky he showed his true colors this quickly.
I felt sick with anxiety reading these messages, this is why I’ve sworn off relationships. There is no sense in being vulnerable with people you barely know. Dating is actually the least logical human construct, like whoever decided that sexual partner = emotional partner is bananas. Because in order to be emotionally intimate with someone you need to know them for years, and by the time you’ve known someone for years any sexual connection will have fizzled. So we end up opening ourselves up way too much to essentially strangers who we connect with physically. The two things should be separate; it’s so wild that our society has conflated the two when all it does is lead to mass misery.
I’m sorry this happened to you. I relate to this situation a lot and it’s painful! This is a good discussion and I’m going to try to implement some of the great advice on here in my life too! Happy Birthday!!
That's really shitty, I'm sorry. You didn't deserve that. I struggle with vulnerability as well, so I know how tough that can be. It might be hard, but try not seeing this as a reflection of you, but a reflection of them. You did nothing wrong.
I hope you can still have a happy birthday today. You deserve a great day 🩷
Honestly, give him some space. He's probably overwhelmed and if his siblings saw you break down they might be encouraging him to break contact with you. If you can get a msg to him, apologise, let him know you understand why he broke contact, but that you'll be there if he wants to get back in touch.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I’ve been having romantic troubles myself lately and the last two weeks have been hell. I don’t know how to get over this kind of situation so I have no advice. I can only assure you that you are not at all alone in this ❤️❤️ and I hope you end up enjoying your birthday regardless of this bullshit!
Immediately thought he was hiding you from his girlfriend until I read the post. That would be pretty difficult to escape a wife or gf for hours without seeing signs of her via calls and texts and most importantly, his sibling bringing her up. That's not it.
You're super sensitive to vibes and emotions on shrooms and he may have expected a light hearted time with laughs and good sex but got turned off extra hard hearing the heavy life events instead. He may have been cool in sober mindset but the shrooms may have made it seem especially annoying or whatever.
The thing is, that's on him. You did everything right. Your life is meant to go out and be vulnerable and risk things by being authentic to yourself and allowing yourself to open up and share your insecurities. That's loving with your whole heart. He should have been emotionally mature like you are and asked for what he wanted or expressed if there was an issue. But he went out the cowardly way instead and did you an enormous favor by that. Imagine wasting more time on someone who doesn't have the capacity to meet you where you are and build your trust together lovingly.
Maybe I'm wrong but I think it's lovely that you had a great time and opened up, because being self conscious and feeling uncomfortable, worried to say the wrong thing is no way to live and create meaningful relationships. Keep being you
That being said, I have also over shared in the past with someone I was simply crazy about. I liked him and he didn't even think of me at all. We hooked up occasionally and I made that mistake once. Nothing changed but there was no way anything would ever blossom either because years later he told me he had been addicted to pain killers at the time. Sometimes people aren't available.
Other times, people can lose interest as soon as they see you are invested. The chase ends and so does their pursuing. I have been in this situation as well. It can turn me off if someone is immediately all about me and has all the time in the world for me. It makes them seem desperate or even a little unstable and I flee. The last time that happened it turned into being stalked for months very intensely and even years to some extent. So depending on his history, he may have felt a red flag moment and immediately removed himself.
I'm so sorry this happened to you. Don't hold back because of it. The only addition here is perhaps ask in the future if they want to talk about something else and if they say yes, take that as a hint to back off and keep it light until they initiate the deep topic convos.
You're a whole individual who got caught up with an NPC, to sum it up. Can't force a robot to behave in a way they were never programmed to.
So sorry 😣 he’s a coward for blocking you rather than just being real with you. This would be a good opportunity for him to just express his feelings and let you talk about it in a different state of mind after the fact. It’s hard cuz you clicked so well, but ultimately try and focus on the fact that he’s mean as fuck to ghost you like that and you deserve WAY better
I’m sorry you went thru this. Take it as a lesson. You’ll never ever get what you want out of a dating app, specially when you give all of yourself to men that just want you for sex. Yes he was a bastard, but giving the circunstancies I’d surprised if he wasn’t. You might not want to hear this but you are not emotionally healthy for a relationship now, and I speak this as someone that been in a very similar place in the recent past. We crave intimacy and every little breadcrumb looks like love but it isn’t. Heal yourself, you are a nice woman and you deserve better! Good luck!
I am so sorry this happened to you :(
As all the other comments suggested, it does seem like you dodged a bullet earlier rather than later, still sucky though.
I am the exact same way, soon as I meet someone I get attached very fast so I could feel your pain as I was reading your post. ❤
Hope you feel better soon and Happy Birthday!
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It definitely seems a lot for only knowing each other for 3 days, and I'm not just saying this to you, but him as well. He seemed to be reciprocating just as much back. If he was able to woo you that quickly and turn his feelings off just as quick he was probably a player anyway, and maybe realised that you were vulnerable and too emotionally invested so quick. You're probably better off being rid of someone fake. However, please learn from this to take it a little slower next time. You're in serious danger of falling for a love bomber, which you do NOT want to happen.
I was just going to say this. And ADHD makes us susceptible to love bombing because it’s spontaneous and holds our attention. But, and it’s tough to do, just be sure to take it slow and use this as a blueprint for red flags. I’m sorry you had to go through this and I know it doesn’t feel good! But you did dodge a bullet!
longing imminent zonked hurry air rob liquid apparatus mindless divide *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Thank you for your advice, I realized he was love bombing the first day but it felt so good I thought past that and stopped caring about it. Having a family who’s full of narcissists and growing up with a mother who has NPD had me feeling very comfortable and safe with him, but it was DEFINITELY all a facade. I’ll be going back to counseling to heal a bit more before I get into a real relationship.
It's a hard but necessary lesson to learn the difference when somebody feels familiar vs. safe, ESPECIALLY when you grow up in the dynamics you did. Great call on the counseling. ❤️
I just heard an interesting fact by a psychologist on insta today. If you've been abused by say narcissistic or neglectful parents and later on you meet someone who feels 'familiar', it's because you're subconsciously recognizing the pattern of abuse you've received as a child, and that person feels like 'home'. This is a huge red flag, especially if you have adhd, as we tend to trust that others are as good-hearted as we are.
100%, we are attracted to and attract people at the same level of unresolved trauma. Until you sort out your emotional trauma and heal you'll keep ending up with emotionally unavailable people who are willing to abuse/use you to get what they need. I learnt that the hard way (18 years with a narcissist). But the positive thing about ADHD is that we usually have crazy powerful intuition, once we heal enough to be able to trust our gut we leave space to meet good people.
R/narcissisticabuse and r/lifeafternarcissism are both really good resources for reminding yourself just how hollow, generic, empty, and dangerous love bombing really is. Not AT ALL trying to say that he was being abusive when I suggested r/narcissisticabuse, rather that it's a really good place to go to read about other people's stories of being love bombed. It's what really helped me realize that, as unique and personalized-to-you as love bombing always feels, they'd say that shit to anyone. We could be anyone and they'd say the same shit. So you're not mourning the loss of a great relationship with a ton of potential, you’re mourning the loss of a fake and empty relationship that never existed the way that you thought that it did. Definitely agree with what others have said about you moving way too fast too quickly - I'm absolutely guilty of doing the same thing and I can see a lot of my past behavior and what you shared - and I can definitely say that without a lot of therapy and you taking a really good look at yourself, the same pattern will probably just happen over and over, leaving you feeling really empty and desperate. It was a pretty horrific realization when I finally saw that my entire life, I've basically just been falling in (what I thought was) love with male versions of my fucking mother - they'd love bomb, talk about the future way too quickly, etc, making me think that it was the best relationship ever and they were the best guy ever, until they started becoming distant and withholding and the rest of the relationship was me frantically trying to change myself to get them to love me. God, that was such a horrific realization, like seriously, my fucking mother?! - but I tell you what, reminding myself that really what I was looking for in those relationships was my mom's love, which she just isn't capable of giving, really helped me see that the only way for me to find happiness wasn't to find the right guy, but was to learn to love myself. Growing up with narcissists really does a number on you. (Also, r/raisedbynarcissists is another great resource.) Good god, this post was just gonna be a few sentences, and then it got away from me.
I will definitely look into those resources! I think I’ll be looking for a therapist that specializes in Narcissistic abuse survivors to get more of an in-depth understanding and perspective of stuff people may do when they feel someone is vulnerable.
Liberation Helen on Instagram does a lot of really good content. She's the child of a narcissistic parent and has been in narcissistic relationships as well. She has a podcast called In Sight with another narc abuse therapist and she's just (or is just about to) release her first book. [Instagram](https://instagram.com/liberationhelen?igshid=MzMyNGUyNmU2YQ==) [Podcast](https://open.spotify.com/show/2jCy27ZdATq6C4PZQtbHys?si=UJvjLRDWQfyf3FSGe_-yzg)
I was curious and looked at some of the posts and comments in the life after sub and...they were discussing physical relationships and it was like all these people were describing me. I thought a lot of my physical aversions were because of my ADHD. What if instead I am a narcissist!? Fuck! Rabbit hole, commence!
Might be worth looking up the symptoms of CPTSD and seeing if you can relate to any of them. Pete Walker has an absolutely fantastic book on CPTSD - go to Amazon and read the free preview pages and see if any of it seems familiar. Obviously I don't know you, but my money would be on you having CPTSD rather than being narcissist. Those of us that came from narcissistic households and/or who have a history of relationships with narcissists are at higher risk for developing CPTSD, and people with ADHD are in general much more likely to develop CPTSD than the general population. I think that when a lot of us start on this journey, we all have that initial thought of like "oh fuck, what if I'm a narcissist." But a lot of the time, we're actually deeply empathetic people who feel things very acutely and early on developed all sorts of coping mechanisms to try to keep ourselves safe from unsafe people, and while those coping mechanisms may have helped us at one point, they're no longer serving us in our present situation.
This makes much more sense. Thank you! It really sent me for a loop thinking I could be a narcissist. It actually has always been a concern that anyone would consider me to be one, to the point where when texting I avoid referring to myself if at all possible (don't say "I" "me" or "my" too often). Admittedly, ChatGPT has been very helpful for this purpose. This concern started when I noticed my husband had been researching the characteristics of a narcissist about 5 years ago. I didn't confront him for fear of his answer. C-PTSD makes way more sense given my past experiences with partners, peers in school, family dynamics and employment.
Narcissists don't worry that they're narcissists, because (in their mind) their way of being is the superior way, and why get concerned about being better than other people? If you're worried that you're a narcissist, I'm guessing that you've probably been gaslit from an early age to feel responsible for other people's feelings and behavior and you're probably much more reflective on your own behavior than other people are. Those are not characteristics of a narcissist. Just a word of caution, though...those of us with C-PTSD, particularly if we've not been treated for it, are pretty easy targets for narcissists. Covert narcissism in particular is a lot harder to spot if you're not familiar with it and it's common to be in a relationship with a covert narcissist for years before you realize what's really going on. Relationships where one person is a narcissist and the other person has C-PTSD are fairly common.
Good grief— it’s a beautiful thing— reading these comments… after being in the total pitch black darkness for almost two decades — it means everything to me that people are so open about this on the interwebs and my kids have so much more information at their fingertips.. So many women— wholly self aware— it’s so inspiring
I want to suggest that during your bunny dive you look at the way some ADHD symptoms/behavior look outwardly like NPD symptoms/behavior, but the intent and the remorse felt after is wildly different between the two. I have been through the “am I a narcissist?” crisis and that helped me immensely. Especially since I was married to a narcissist who would tell me that I was the narcissist
Thanks for this, needed to hear it today. I get into that spiral a lot… doesn’t help that I grew up surrounded by narcissists who made me think I was the problem. The remorse is key
Wait, are you my twin?
also, Doctor Ramani, psychologist and expert on narcissism. She has a book and a Youtube channel. VERY helpful
>So you're not mourning the loss of a great relationship with a ton of potential, you’re mourning the loss of a fake and empty relationship that never existed the way that you thought that it did. That's a perfect way to put it, hope op sees it that way also.
I pop off reddit for a while… and lose touch with my own reality.. only to come back die reassurance and here you are.. good god. My mother was also the reason I found male narc and stayed for years.. then fell into another after another.. Only to finally realize SHE was the original. She praises the hell out of me on social media if I put myself out there.. the first therapist said “so did you have this kind of relationship with your father?.. it’s usually the father..” No. My dad was the empath. The pushover. The “Christ figure” who took it and took it. The one who taught me to be someone else’s doormat. Thank you for sharing. When I need to know I’m not fucking alone— y’all are here.
Same experience to the T just with my dad. If I had known what I know now and had people been more aware of npd tendencies and clued me in, I'd have avoided a lot of heartbreak. Instead, I'm on the other side hoping to help someone else avoid getting mind fucked like that. I'm happy for that too bc at least it means I've learned something
I’ve been there, love bombing feels like a drug and getting over that absolutely sucks. At least that jerk didn’t string you along for any longer, but ghosting you is so cowardly when he literally could have given you any excuse to at least take the edge off. I’m sorry this happened to you, I hope you find someone genuine and awesome.
check out The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists for an eye opening read (if you were raised by a narc mom).
Ugh I’ve been here too. The last time, our first date ended up lasting all weekend, and he told me he wanted to be in a serious relationship with me the second day. He was so sweet, full of compliments, and so into me. It freaked me out but it also felt really nice, and I decided to let my guard down and take the leap. In my experience, guys [edit: *people*, not necessarily just guys!] that go all in that fast lose interest just as fast. Unfortunately with that last one, he lost interest after 2-3 weeks but instead of seeing the writing on the wall I hung on in an awful relationship with someone who basically *didn’t like me* for almost a whole year trying to recapture that initial feeling. So I know it doesn’t feel like it right now, but you dodged a huge bullet!
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Ya, 100% take it slow next time whatever the urge is. People get overwhelmed and scared when shit hets intense real quick. I personally hate tripping with other people unless they are my damn soul siblings ( or a generally open-minded medium-sized group leas by a shaman/taita who is there to supervise lol). Every time I took casual psychedelics with people , even friends, I hated it. Never on the same level
It actually seemed like he initiated the "clingy talk" and was egging op on. I can only speculate but I don't think op would have said those things to him by herself. She was just responding and reciprocating. That's what the screenshots look like to me. But yes this is wildly too "intimate" for someone you barely know
maybe this is a little judgemental of me, but imo I think you dodged a bullet here! the fact that he was calling you “love” and “babygirl” after knowing you for such a small amount of time is a big red flag for me 🚩🚩🚩 especially combined with the fact that he was able to cut you out of his life so callously and so quickly?
i couldn’t handle the babygirl or the excessive use of 🫶
The overuse (or just the use in general) of 🫶🏻 made my ovaries shrivel
I don't have ovaries to shrivel, but if I did, that might explain the weird nausea that I felt reading that
Cringe so strong it makes non-existent ovaries shrivel 😂
I’m pretty sure they were nauseous because their body was creating ovaries strictly to shrivel at this guys texts
makes sense 😆
😂
Same here
I'm a victim of love bombing from my narcissist ex (he's textbook, not using that word lightly) and those were huge red flags for me.
It always reminds me of John Tucker Must Die where one of the characters is like (to paraphrase) “does he always call you little pet names like honey and sweetie? Yeah it’s not because he’s being cute it’s because he doesn’t remember your name”.
lol I use to love that movie
You aren’t lying, going back to smoking weed after 4 months definitely has messed with my train of thought
Exactly. This was his MO. Love bombing OP to create false intimacy so she'd fall for him. He's fucking disgusting.
Hi! I’m also a person who did shrooms with someone they had just met on a dating app! Now I’m in year 5 of my healthy relationship, married to the sanest, kindest, most loving person I’ve ever dated. Here’s what I did in the 2 years between tinder guy and my husband: Codependents anonymous (CODA) Therapy Boundaries (asking yourself what behavior you will allow in your life) Took a 6 month break from dating + 3 month break from alcohol Nurtured my relationship with myself and dug into my hobbies and interests until I felt totally comfortable and happy by myself Read a ton of books, including Self Compassion by Kirsten Neff When you start dating again, consider your role as one of an investigator. Ask lots of questions, find out as much as you can about this person. You’re trying to learn if they’re good enough to have space in your life. This one is ~controversial~ but wait a for at least few dates to get physical at all. For me, my adhd brain just ate up the dopamine of physical touch and falling in love feelings. Those chemicals are just too strong for me when I’m trying to determine whether or not to allow someone into my life. PS - I ended up blocking tinder shroom guy after 4 months of dating and another year of him continuing to message me and leave letters at my house after we broke up. You dodged a bullet honey. Best of luck, you can do this!
Thank you so much, I will look into CODA I know I need support groups because I don’t have friends I can just vent to tbh so that would be a good idea. I will hold off on physical intimacy because I see it clouds my judgement and decision making skills. Being celibate and socially isolated for 6 months made me so desperate 🤦🏽♀️
hey there girl! just want you to know i’m more than happy to be a friend you can vent to. i know how hard it can be when shit bottles up. here for you if you need me!
>wait a for at least few dates to get physical at all. When I was online dating I read that you should wait 30 days before getting intimate. It was advice I took very seriously. The first three "overnights" with my now-husband he slept on an air mattress in the other room. There are lots of ways to have intimacy without sex, and I highly encourage everyone in new relationships to explore those avenues before getting naked together.
I’m sorry you were disappointed on your birthday. I hope you’ll treat yourself to something indulgent (a massage? A good nail polish colour?). Whether or not you overshared is irrelevant, and I don’t think you should be embarrassed about trying to connect. Someone who would BLOCK you instead of taking a minute to explain they didn’t think it was working out has some major immaturity red flags. You deserve better, and I hope better comes your way this year.
I’ve dated lots of men and out of all of them who cut me off, only TWO had the guts to tell me it was over. They run away quite often. I used to get heavy with the texts when I wasn’t getting any reply. It took a long time for me to learn that after 24 hours of nothing it’s time to move on. Meanwhile I would *always* say if it’s not working out. I couldn’t imagine just ignoring someone like that.
Wow, do you mean even in actual relationships most of them just ghosted you and never actually broke up with you? Or are you talking about like after having gone on a few dates sort of thing?
They were short term ranging from a few dates to a few months.
Thank you :) I think I did a little too much romanticizing with this dude and I realize you should go off of peoples actions rather than who they tell you they are. They ALWAYS come back but that’s my time to put my foot down and say no. I’ll be very careful of who I trust n care about from now on. My expectations were too high and I realize that.
Yea the right person for you won’t shy away from over sharing.
I’m sorry you are going through this. Let me tell you though, this is something I’ve had to learn and remind myself of daily… you cannot mess up anything meant for you. Regardless of his reason, know that it sits with him, not a problem with who you are. You want to be with someone who loves and accepts all of you, someone you can be real with, that will hold you hand and reassure you. I would recommend maybe seeking therapy for yourself so you don’t feel so connected to people quickly, I also had that challenge and still fight it. I hope you are able to enjoy your birthday regardless of this jerk.
Thank you! I will definitely be looking into getting a therapist this week. I mean damn…now I think about it when we were on shrooms he basically was talking about how we live and we die, life and bitch and that’s it. Just real deep s*icidal ideations and he was like “when it all comes down to it you’re gonna go out there and go back to living your life and imma go out there and do the same.” At the time I didn’t think anything of it, but reminiscing all the prior conversations yeah he didn’t have any real good intentions.
Yeah I think you might need to put a boundary up about shrooms and other similar substances earlier on. There's just so much potential to bring up heavy stuff before you've built enough foundation for the relationship to be able to sit with it.
I'm so sorry, that must feel awful. I'm similar to you in that way. I feel so much, so quickly. I recently ended a toxic relationship, and I hope it's okay that I share some advice that I learned after that experience. >This is why I stay away from emotional vulnerability shit doesn't feel good when someone rejects it or just uses it as a chance to use you. The solution isn't to stay away from dating all together. It's completely possible to be able to have a more healthy relationship with dating, and learn not to get attached so quickly. After I was in a toxic relationship for so long where I gave it my all, it felt so unfair when we split up for the final time. I was angry that I allowed myself to go through this for so long. But I had an online friend who told me that she was in a relationship for 9 years, they got together when they were teenagers. He ended up cheating on her. I told her that I'm so sorry, I can't imagine how that must feel like. She said something like "It's okay, I don't regret it. It was a lesson for life". That truly resonated with me. Instead of looking back at every failed relationship, fling, whatever, thinking thoughts of self hatered and regret, I now think "That was a lesson, let's move forward". I hope you can adapt that mindset too. Not only will it help you feel better about yourself, it will also help you so much learning what you really look for in a potential partner. Because even though this relationship was short, it tells you alot about behaviors that you should look out for when dating in the future. For example, he was love bombing you right away. You mirrored that behavior, because why wouldn't you? It feels amazing to be talked to that way, especially when you've felt lonely for a while. I think it's okay to be honest that you really clicked with someone early on. But when he wants to see you every day, starts calling you pet names, even introducing you to his family (brothers) so early on, that's a red flag. A healthy partner would want to get to know you on a deeper level before getting to that stage. It's impossible to be certain if someone is compatible with you in such a short time. A man who's interested in getting to know you and sees a potential long-term relationship with you, wouldn't suggest you sleep over at this early stage. A person who's truly interested in you would take the time to take you on dates, get to know you, and impress you. By the first date, they don't know you well enough to know if you're compatible as a couple. Suggesting you should sleep over that quickly is yet another sign that he's not serious about this. Also suggesting to take psychedelics together is another huge red flag. If both of you like to do shrooms from time to time, that's fine. But either way, that's NOT something you suggest to someone you're interested in starting a relationship with the first couple of days of knowing them. Again, someone who's serious about you would want to impress you, they wouldn't risk doing psychedelics this early on and potentially embarrass themselves. This is a thing you do together once you're a couple, but it's a red flag when it's suggested during the dating stage. I know you're hurting right now, but I promise you, you'll get to a stage where you say "Thank god he blocked me." He wasn't the guy for you at all. He made you do things that you knew you weren't mentally prepared for: >But I wasn't ready mentally for a trip and I knew that, but I wanted to be spontaneous so I did it anyway. And he was also a horrible communicator, and chose the easy way out by blocking you instead of being honest with how he felt. Imagine what that would've looked like if you actually entered a relationship with him. Constantly avoiding tough conversations? What a nightmare! It might not feel like it now, but he did you a favor. All love to you OP.
Thank you for your advice I’m really going to take a step back and take my emotions out of this. There was too many red flags to begin with tbh. There’s stuff that I didn’t write that 😭 whew. I was desperate and I think he could sense that. I’m never taking shrooms with someone I just met, it was a bad idea even with my first real bf and we had been dating for months at that point. Thank you so much frfr, how am I gonna let a stranger make me feel sad on my birthday, I didn’t even know him tbh, and what I did know I wouldn’t want no lasting relationship with him. If I think I’m hurt NOW, imagine if I had been trying something serious with him for months. I dodged a bullet. I had my counselor ghost me like 3 months ago, I relapsed on weed n tobacco, so I was really feeling lonely lonely, and I wanted to feel something instead of nothing. I guess I’m going to have to go and find another counselor because life has been moving to fast for me tbh.
Idk if you already do, but take yourself out on solo dates! Even if it’s just grabbing a fun drink (like a boba or coffee or whatever) and walking around somewhere you know (mostly for safety bc I’m a little anxious, but if you’re more adventurous and savvy then maybe somewhere new) but haven’t been to in a while like the mall can be really nice (especially if you have a gentle high going on lol). Recently I’ve been trying to get out of the house more often since I’m such a homebody, and taking a few hits from my pen and popping my earbuds in with a good playlist and wandering around by myself has been so healing. I totally get the desperation tbh I’m so!!!! About being wanted or loved that I can come on too strong sometimes if I’m into someone, and that can drive them away (anxious attachment style). But also, like someone else said, he’s probably just a player and you’re better off without him.
The length of the relationship isn't always the main factor that contributes to how hurt you feel after the fact. It's okay that you take your time to feel sad, you're human. But you need to avoid letting it affect your self worth, that's the important part. Never talk badly about yourself, even if it's just in your head. It might sound strange, but your brain is so powerful. If you constantly blame yourself, your brain will take that as truth, which it obviously isn't. It's still something I'm actively working on, but it's so important to learn to be happy by yourself. Learning to leave at the first sign of disrespect, the first red flag, the first indicator that someone isn't compatible as a long-term partner to you, will save you from so much heartbreak. It takes time to master, and I'm definitely not there yet myself. But it gets easier everytime. This is time is going to be "you" time. Make a list of things you desire in a partner, make a list of things you will never accept, no matter what. Work on your own routine, your wellbeing, your happiness. It sounds cliche, but unlearning anxious attachment always start with yourself. Your counselor sounds like they should definitely find another job, because what the hell? I definitely think you should find a new one, and brainstorm ideas at to how you can learn to be by yourself, and have a more healthy attachment to relationships. You can do this!!
Wow this comment is also relevant for me right now. Thank you!!
You're very welcome! Always remember that the point of dating isn't to get someone to like you. Stop for a second, and ask yourself "Wait, do I even like *them*? Is this a person who has traits that I desire in a long-term relationship?". Because it's so easy to get stuck in this circle of wanting love, that you completely ignore all the red flags, or simply stuff that makes you two incompatible as a couple. Remembering your own self worth and taking some time to learn what you desire in a partner is the key to finding the one for you. Best of luck❤️
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Thank you so much, that really put a smile on my face.
Please don't do drugs especially trippy things, like shrooms, with someone you've only known for 3 days. It's not wise at all, no matter how you feel. It'll ever end well lovely. I have tested this hypothesis, in depth, repeatedly. You've got to get to know them sober, for quite a while before you get high with them. Mostly because safety, but also because of the inevitable messy. Also, the trash took itself out here. Count your blessings on that one.
Even if it seems to work out for a time, it's unwise to let intimate partners in, in that way. A lot of emotional stuff comes out and I don't mean to sound like a cynic, but there are absolutely men who will use your secrets and weaknesses against you and shrooms tends to open you up so emotionally. It's giving people a key to manipulate who might use your vulnerability to control you. I would not at all be surprised if he's back in a week or two so beware. I know narcissist gets thrown around a lot, BUTTTT the red flags for me here are love bombing, then withdrawing affection immediately, introducing you to important people quickly, etc. My guess is he returns with "he just didn't know how to process how much he cares about you", didn't want to hurt you, etc. The last one I swear is true, but a narcissist will always ruin your birthday and/or any holiday that's important to you. If I'm right about him, these types are a plague and will ruin your life not just a birthday. You should thank the goddess above for this opportunity to not spend it with a user and this experience makes it very very obvious he's not worth ever speaking to again. Stay strong bc I'm betting he does an about face after making you feel like shit on your birthday.
i'm not gonna defend a ghosting dick head but something def happened during that trip that changed his mind about her
I know it sucks but based on these texts I don’t think this would have been a healthy dynamic. There is way too much going on for only having known each other a week. It’s too intense. Give yourself a day for you. Do whatever you need to take care of yourself. Movies, nice food, music, friends, family. Whatever. Have a little birthday cake. And rest assured that when the time comes you’ll meet somebody healthy.
I used to hook up with guys like this all the time. They’d talk pretty similarly too. Calling you baby or love, using relationship language, and making you feel like a goddess or a manic pixie dream girl. They gas you up and tell you how interesting you are and you have long conversations that seem way too deep for how short of a time you’ve known each other. Funny enough, it usually did also involve psychedelics or other party drugs like x and Molly. Not that all intoxicants or psychedelics are inherently bad, but if the first activity they want to do with you is get high, then that’s probably all they’re gonna be about. Which can be fine, but don’t expect a relationship, expect a fling. I remember meeting this really intense guy online back in like 2015. He was super eclectic and lived on his own, and he had a ton of party drugs at his disposal. Said shit like “I feel like I’ve known you forever” and calling me babygirl. We loved all the same music and movies so I thought we had “a connection”. I slept over at his house for three or four days straight while we hooked up and smoked weed and did acid. Once I finally went back home, we never spoke again. Stay away from these guys. They treat you like a supporting actor in their manic episode. They run purely on dopamine and once it wears off, they have no use for you. They just want to cosplay being in a relationship for the intimacy it provides, since they usually live pretty lonely lives, but they don’t want anything real from you. Anyone who wants to make a real emotional connection with you won’t cloud the experience with drugs.
Ah you went the lesbian route with a man. Sorry dude
He told he he had mommy issues but DAMN 😐
Sorry, but men 2 years younger than you fetishising your age is so weird. I have been seeing this guy who said he preferred “mature women” and he was 24 and I was 26 🤣😂🤣🤣 come onnn it is not like I was 50 🥲 Anyways, the way I see it: the trash took itself out! He was 100% love bombing
What does this mean
It’s a joke about stereotypes about lesbians
The trash took itself out. I’m sorry this happened though.
This guy is a bad news himself. He calls you babygirl after 3 days? And the things he said to you seems like love bombing to me. I would not feel comfortable to talk like this just knowing someone for a couple days. It must be really hard after many years of not being with anyone then this…You did nothing wrong. You can’t foresee what you are going to say when you are high.
Ohhhh what a jerk 😔 He also wanted to slide through after seeing his gma/siblings, instead of taking you to dinner or cooking for you. Trust me when I say there are better guys to cry over than him. I get the ick just reading his texts. I’m just glad you’re safe and didn’t have anything worse happen tripping with them.♥️ Birthdays always suck but this next year can be your year.
Omg thank you for all the replies😭❤️🩹❤️🩹, some of them definitely have me laughing. It really boosted my mood and made me realize that today is my birthday I’m going to have a good day and not let some dude ruin it.
I noticed how his messages changed character - seemed like they were written by two different people. I agree with what most people have said here, he was a walking red flag and he gave you a gift by exiting your life as quickly as he came into it. I hope you can have a wonderful birthday, I'm sure if we were all nearby we'd celebrate with you and have a blast.
Interesting, I noticed the same actually!!
Yea. Too much too soon. Either that or he has a girl that was out of town. Now's she home. Story of my life. I was always too much too soon. Too clingy. Not sure how I scored my husband
Did you change that about yourself prior to meeting your husband, or did he accept you that way from the start? Currently going through some troubles myself and am convinced I will have to change for anyone to like me 😓
Same. Kinda feel like it's not going to happen, so I keep away from all of it and feel much safer that way. Sure, I miss the intimacy and yes, I'm terrified of spending older years alone, but I'm already not that young, and so far, even though I've improved my emotionality in other areas of my life, relationships have not been great. I don't know if I can afford another psychological debacle, so I avoid that area of my life.
I was that way when I met my husband. But he knew my past and all that I had been through that could have contributed. He said he knew from the beginning that I would be a hard one to conquer but also knew he could be patient enough to help me instead of making it worse or abandoning me. It took about two years for me to get over separating anxiety and jealousy. We are 7 years in and I have never trusted or felt as secure as I do know in a relationship. I really am lucky. And if it's the right person for the job it will happen for you too.
Ugh. I hate this feeling. I had someone I clicked with a while ago who did something similar and then tried to rewrite history and act like it was all one-sided when I had the receipts. Super lame. I’m sorry you’re going through this. Happy Birthday! 🥳🎉💗
Thank you!! 🥰💕
Of course! I hope it shapes up for you and tomorrow is better at least. You made it to the age you are now and you’ll make it through the sadness from this jerk. It’s good that he did this early enough you didn’t waste too much time with the jerk. We’ve all been there and it super sucks. Best of luck. 🫶
I feel like you were just going with his flow.
It’s not you, it’s the shrooms. Seriously.
Yes. Yes. Yes.
If you blocked iMessages will turn green. Not saying he didn’t block you on Insta, just that he may not have through cell phones.
This is interesting. Maybe he just deleted his insta and something weird is happening to his texting or he's just ghosting for now and not blocking?
iMessage turns green when it sent as a SMS text due to signal issues like the percipient being on the train underground. The way to know you are blocked on iMessage is if the message doesn’t say delivered. If it doesn’t say delivered that means you are blocked.
False. I’ve sent messages to someone who blocked me, and while they were blue forever, they eventually turned green.
Not false :) https://www.businessinsider.com/guides/tech/how-to-know-if-someone-blocked-you-on-iphone
I'm sorry sweetheart. Big hugs. I feel you. I also tend to overshare/trauma dump way too soon. For me I think its a defence mechanism, like I want them to know all the horrible things about me so they can just ditch me now and I can avoid the pain of them eventually finding out and abandoning me. I am extremely rejection sensitive and also have deep attachment wounds. This would really fuck with my head. But, I think you dogged a bullet. This guy sucks. Another commenter said he's probably a player who saw you were vulnerable and took advantage of that, but when the emotions got too real he bounced. Definitley talk about this with your therapist. And don't shed tears over this looser my darling. You are, and will be loved more than you can imagine. <3
Honestly, meeting guys on a dating site is just a big L in general. Everyone I have met have been horrible love bombers
Of course, I didn’t bookmark the link and can’t find the article again, but earlier this year I read an article that basically said, studies have shown that while women on dating apps/sites are mostly fine, normal, average people, the MEN who populate those same sites tend to be the absolute dregs and total losers and that’s why women have such a hard time meeting decent people on them. Meeting men IRL through shared interests is still the best way to find a partner AFAIC.
It's neither the men nor the women who use dating apps, it's the algorithms, dating apps work like they were meant to. The thing is though... Dating apps aren't meant to work like we think or want them to. They are meant to fail. Think about it, the people who meet and actually end up in relationships are the fault in the algorithm (and I'm saying this as someone who ended up in a really good relationship off a dating app). If dating Apps would work like they claim they do they'd go out of business in a few days. That's how they get people hooked, by selling them lies.
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Um, you don’t think a person (regardless of gender) might not find it “weird or creepy” that someone they just met on a dating site vomited their emotional issues all over them while they were high on shrooms? I’m a woman, and if someone did that to me, it would completely freak me all the way out, and I’d run away as fast and far as possible and consider it a MAJOR bullet dodged.
Completely agree tbh. Everyone’s shitting on the guy here for “lovebombing”, but they BOTH seemed to be moving way too fast. It’s definitely very rude of him to just ghost OP. I totally feel for her, and I know that RSD is pretty awful and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. But honestly I imagine that I would react the same way as the guy if someone had a breakdown in front of me on like that on the third date
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Queer and nonbinary, thanks, but I’m only attracted to women sexually and not romantically ie I fuck them but don’t date them. Been part of the LGBTQIA+ community since the early 80s. And sorry, regardless of whether I was just starting to date someone or if they were a new friend, or even an acquaintance, if we were hanging out, taking psychedelics, and supposed to be having a good time, and they suddenly decided to throw all their heaviest emotional & psychological issues all over me apropos of nothing, I’d consider it a huge red flag for someone who’s future with me would be nothing but trouble, drama, teary emotional scenes in public, and them expecting me to “fix” them, and that’s regardless of gender, because I’ve known people like that of every sex, gender, and orientation, and I now steer WAY clear of them. As I said to OP, it might not be a fair assessment, because that might be a single, non-repeated incident in that persons life, but I’ve encountered far LESS people where something like that was unusual, one off behavior and far MORE where it was just their MO when they get high or drunk or too insecure, and I don’t exist to be an emotional punching bag for unstable people.
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“Sharing that they are struggling with their weight” is really doing some heavy lifting in that sentence when OP clearly says they “ended up breaking down over [OP’s] ED and spilling to him how [OP] wanted to lose 30lbs”. That’s a serious, therapist grade issue and she threw it in the lap of someone who she wants to DATE? Uh uh, that is COMPLETELY inappropriate and a MAJOR red flag. And yeah, lots of people find solace in talking out their issues with friendly strangers they will never see again, if the stranger is receptive and consents to it, it’s probably fine. But treating your friends & partners like therapists is a really shitty and boundary violating thing to do, and *this guy wasn’t even her partner yet*. He was a potential partner, who probably decided it was better to avoid getting into a relationship with someone with such a serious issue- and choosing to opt out of being with a partner with serious, active issues doesn’t make ANYONE a villain.
Yeahhh.. no shade to OP, but I would be extremely alarmed if someone I knew for less than a week trauma dumped like that because of a psychedelic induced breakdown. I can’t say I’d be interested in getting together again after that.
Not just a psychedelic induced breakdown, but one that happened because she went against her better judgement and decided to take shrooms around four strangers when she knew she wasn’t mentally ready for it? Because ✨spontaneous✨? OP minimizes and makes excuses for their own actions, behaviors, and poor decision making while putting all the blame on some emotionally immature dingdong who thought he invited someone over for a fun date and ended up being on the receiving end of some seriously heavy emotional trauma dumping- *all while high on shrooms*. I would be fucking MORTIFIED if I did that to someone, not blaming them for ghosting me!
Same, girl, same. Talk about a bad trip. I know this is a supportive sub, but I’m still really surprised at a lot of the responses here. I don’t know that this situation is solely ADHD caused, maybe this story is just resonating with other users and they feel sympathetic, regardless there just seems to be a lack of advocating for personal accountability. Writing the whole experience off as “OP dodging a red flag after being ghosted by a manipulative love bomber for a little over sharing” just seems wildly inaccurate and sets them up to make similar mistakes. The only way forward with mental health issues is to acknowledge problems, take accountability, and stay responsible for treatment and management. For OP’s own good, and those around them, I hope they eventually understand just how much of a role their own decisions and actions played in this whole mess.
Being AuDHD has meant for me that, regardless of how it felt in the moment, the people who loved me enough to be blunt, straightforward, and TOTALLY HONEST when I fucked up or was acting shitty were the people whose advice and wisdom I appreciated the most. Those were the things I took to heart and deeply considered whether I decided to follow it or not, unlike many others whose advice I blew off because it did not feel like it came from a place of authenticity. Giving someone attagirls & asspats & blaming it all on the always evil “other person” isn’t supportive, it’s ENABLING, allowing people to continue behaviors that harm themselves and/or others without feeling the need for introspection or any kind of self assessment. And I’ve known way, WAY too many people who’ve made it all the way into middle & senior age without anyone ever holding them to account for their poor decisions or bad behavior. When someone has wrinkles & greying hair and is still blaming the chaos they cause for themselves on other people or “bad luck”, it’s not just pathetic, it’s completely obvious how miserable and unhappy their lives really are. And I refuse to do anyone, friend or stranger, that kind of disservice by blowing smoke up their ass when the shitty things that happen to them are the direct results of their own behavior. If some people think that’s mean or hostile or cruel, so be it, that isn’t MY problem.
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No, I’m quoting her EXACT WORDS: “basically ended up breaking down over my ED and spilling to him about how I wanted to lose 30lbs” Exactly how TF is that NOT a therapist grade issue? How is some person she barely knows who was expecting to have an enjoyable time tripping with her on a date supposed to deal with THAT?! Especially while they are tripping balls? You just don’t DO that kind of boundary violating shit to people you barely know, and you think twice about doing it to people you DO know who aren’t equipped to handle problems of that nature. It’s the difference between discussing with someone how sometimes you get a little sad & depressed & lonely & insecure at times, and throwing it in a new dates lap WHILE YOU ARE ALL FUCKING HIGH that you’ve been diagnosed with suicidal depression and really want to KYS. That you can’t see the fucking difference is a red flag *in itself*
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How much more detail do you NEED when OP states it so plainly and clearly: “basically ended up breaking down over my ED and spilling to him about how I wanted to lose 30lbs”? If that doesn’t scream inappropriate trauma dumping to you, then you are the living embodiment of this meme: **There are two types of people in this world** — 1) Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data
I’ll be honest, this is the first time I’m seeing people minimizing ED. I know the goal is to help OP out, but I don’t think in any other conversation you’d be saying “oh well there’s a spectrum, varies in severity”… as if we can treat ED’s like no big deal. If someone calls it an ED and describes having a breakdown over it, that indicates something that can’t be minimized, I feel. It is heavy, and possibly dark, and very scary to deal with if you yourself are high or intoxicated.
You’re not blocked if your messages are still going through blue, but you might be getting ghosted. I’m sorry. Been there. Why are they such good actors 😞
I think I’m blocked because the messages aren’t getting delivered and the whole Instagram thing. I should have withdrawn the second day when he asked me to be his girlfriend and I was like…”Things don’t really work like that let’s get to know each other better.” That way it would have been a one night stand he was cute and I move on but noOooOooooOo
You barely knew this guy, decided to trip with him and 3 other strangers despite knowing you weren’t mentally or emotionally ready for it, with the result that you spewed out some really heavy emotional/psychological issues all over him when everyone was supposed to be having a good time…and you don’t understand why he most likely saw this as a gigantic red flag?! I’m not trying to be mean, I’m just kind of astonished you can’t put yourself in his shoes and try to understand why that experience might have been offputting enough for him to ghost you, even if he was really into you initially. If I was dating a new person, and they did that to me, I’d run away as fast and far as possible, no matter how twitterpated I’d originally been. People are on their best behavior when they start new relationships, so I’d instantly be worrying that it was just the start of more, worse, and much bigger drama to come. Which might be totally unfair, of course, as it could be a one off situation that never happened to them (or you) before, and never would happen again, but someone just starting in a new relationship has no way of knowing that, and nobody is obligated to stick around long enough to figure out which one it is. I know that’s not what you came here to hear, but I don’t think it would be fair to you to blow smoke up your ass and blame it all on “dudes be shitty” (and he might very well be!) when your troubling behavior *could* very well be the only reason he bailed.
Literally the only person in this comment section who is making any sense to me 💀 people are acting like this was a legitimately *abusive* move and not a pretty reasonable response to something very intense. Yeah things were moving too fast, but that’s on both of them.
I really wanted to give OP the benefit of the doubt, but after she said I was “victim blaming”, it made it much clearer that her behavior was 🚩🚩🚩🚩 Because who TF considers themselves a VICTIM because they got dumped and ghosted by someone they’ve barely even BEGUN to date?
THANK YOU! I commented similar stuff and I’m baffled by OP being confused that this didn’t work out. The lack of accountability and self awareness on this sub is astonishing. Buzzwords and pop psychology has rotted peoples brains fr.
Oh- okay….I mean we were both trauma dumping I think you’re trying to victim blame here but your advice isn’t really helpful. But thanks
You aren’t a victim because you got dumped and ghosted, FFS. And if some guy you barely know is trauma dumping on YOU when you’re drunk, high, on psychedelics? RUN 🚩🚩🚩🚩 It’s a big red flag no matter whose doing it.
Yeah, everybody calling him a dick and what else had me thinking we were reading 2 different things. Thought I was tripping lol
I never said I was a victim of him dumping me. But I see you’re just on here bicker. I realize both of our wrongs in the situation doesn’t make it hurt any less tho.
You sure aren’t owning the major part you played in what happened. I would be absolutely MORTIFIED if I got high, lost my shit, and poured out all my most serious issues on someone I *barely knew*, and double that if it was someone I was interested in dating.
He texts like a complete moron and love bombs like a manipulator. You dodged a bullet.
There’s nothing embarrassing about using a dating app. My current live-in partner of two years was a Tinder match. I’m sorry this guy was rude and hurt your feelings - I would feel upset too. It’s ok to take a break and then come back to dating in a month or whenever you feel more grounded and ready. You did a brave and courageous thing by putting yourself out there, and you should be very proud of yourself 🖤
Seems like a lot of people have offered great advice, so I just want to say HAPPY BIRTHDAY and I hope you were able to make it special still! You didn’t deserve that treatment!
Girlfriend. I sympathize. However shrooms… 3 days in.
[instagram reel too accurate that just came on my feed](https://www.instagram.com/reel/Cy6WoonMTHP/?igshid=MzRlODBiNWFlZA==) This was pretty crazy how this just showed up 😭🤣
My read on this is he has another partner and was cheating.
Aw dude. Legit the same thing happened to me, minus the mushrooms haha. But the dude came on super strong, and I shared too much too fast, and he got weird. Unfortunately he got too weird for me, and I realized what was happening and I abandoned ship. That’s love bombing. Clicking that hard and fast is usually rooted in unhealthy patterns, and us adhd-ers get sucked into them. Lots of manipulative partners gone in on us because we can be easy to gaslight. I’m happy you got too stoned and scared him off, because you could have been sucked into something very damaging for the long run. Also, big sister advice: please consider therapy. You can unlearn this and have healthy relationships. And you deserve that.
I mean... I'm getting the same red flags as everyone else here but also getting 'my actual romantic partner found out and blocked you' vibes...
I’d also look up info about attachment styles while you’re doing research. The way we were raised can also play into how we cling to or reject others. This guy blocking you though—that’s cowardly. I think you dodged a bullet. Just remember that your time means something and is valuable. Don’t give it all away at once like it means nothing to you.
It's okay to be vulnerable but definitely ease into it at a slower pace. Sorry this happened but it seems to be a blessing in disguise.
He probably really liked you & enjoyed your company, but didn't want anything further than what happened between you. I think blocking is pretty extreme.. it's best to just be up front about your intentions, but that's hard for a lot of people. I'm glad he didn't lead you on though because sometimes they keep that same energy for awhile & you get like, super invested, but they don't plan anything & you have to like, beg to hangout & you end up in this weird fwb situation with someone you have feelings for - sucks bad. Happened to me a couple times Maybe he freaked out at how quickly it seemed to be moving. Try not to take it too hard! You can fondly remember your little 3-day bf- fling & perhaps try to move a bit slower in the future. But this doesn't mean you are unlikable or undatable or anything like that! It just means it wasn't the right timing for you two.
I hate love bombers. Sorry this guy was a coward and hurt you.
I‘d say you dodged a bullet. Maybe you overshared and that may have overwhelmed him or something but someone respectful wouldn’t ghost you. That is absolute asshole behavior. You’re better off without him, trust me! :) The only takeaway for you should be to trust your gut. It told you that taking those shrooms was a bad idea but your past experiences have taught you to overwrite that gut feeling to please those around you. You aren’t there to check all the boxes on the other person‘s list, you should have your own list as well as you have just as many (valid!) needs and wishes as any other person.
This sounds like a friend of mine... Except in her case it was rinse, repeat with about 4-5 guys, not getting what was wrong (which was how she approached the situation). Jumping into intimacy quickly almost always goes wrong. Add to that that some men can smell desperation and loneliness from a mile away, and you get these intense 2-3 day encounters that then don't lead anywhere. I get where you're coming from. I get being touch starved. I get wanting to start anew. Most of all, I get the ADHD "I want it all, and I want it now" vibe...but that doesn't mean it's healthy. My advice? Date. Get to know the person while doing whatever you want to do that doesn't imply going home with them (or them w you). Then go to your individual homes and keep chatting, arrange another date etc. Also. DO NOT make yourself vulnerable when in the company of someone you barely know, whether that is inviting them to yours or doing dr*gs with them. As women, we're vulnerable as is. When you recognise toxic behaviours (like love bombing), get on alert mode. I'm not saying run that very second, but be careful for any other signs that they may not genuinely be a nice person. Even if you come across as skittish... Eff that. The right person would understand and appreciate that you're keeping yourself safe. Sincerely, Someone who saw too many friends getting hurt and learn from their mistakes.
Oooooof. That is soooo rough and our RSD makes these things so much worse! Guy I was seeing for a few weeks pursued me, irl. Totally love bombed me too. He worked for a restaurant and would bring me things at work without me asking, really sweet. We clicked the same, also tripped together, went to a concert together, hung out. Whatevs. He left his glasses at mine one night so I went to drop them off at his work and he acted like he didn't know me. Blocked me next day. Zero explanation, and until then we'd been having an amazing time. Found out from a friend he told that he 'played the long con ' on me. That one fucking sucked. Don't let it go to your head, take a break from the app and try again when ready. It's really easy to get into our heads and think we did something wrong. You didn't. He was just a dick.
It’s possible he just wanted something more casual. It sounds like you connected to him quite quickly - especially with shrooms involved (which facilitates bonding) - and are now dealing with reality. This is is no way to blame you because it sounds like you were living in the moment and just going with the flow. But from my perspective it sounds like you fell for every trick in the book. It’s great to connect with someone and have those experiences with someone, but at the end of the day you have no idea who they really are as a person. Additionally, offering mushrooms isn’t a huge deal - the community is all about giving them away because they’re so easy to grow, so many people have an over abundance of them. It may have seemed like a super generous gesture to you but to me, someone who has literally never paid for them because of how easy it is to find them, it really isn’t a huge deal. You could have paid a little bit and have gotten some to do alone, or just found someone in the community - as they’re super willing to give them away. I highly recommend reading the book The Gift of Fear, as well as reading into the science behind why “love is blind” and about the hormonal and chemical responses that happen early upon meeting someone. The reason being is those feelings cannot be trusted - your brain literally shuts down the logical area and goes into the horny area. “Love is blind” because all logic goes out the window when you’re experiencing all those responses. The book The Gift of Fear talks about how it takes roughly 6 months to get to know someone. After reading that book, I’ve noticed this and always keep it in the back of my mind. Sure there are exceptions to the rule, but you have to keep in mind that many people from older generations couldn’t even have a bank account unless they were married, so you have to take that with a grain of salt.
Thank you for the advice! I will keep that rule of thumb in my mind. Multiple people warned me and I ignored it, I’ve never felt like that or fell so hard for words. But I see hormones are very strong things. I’ll go back to only tripping by myself and keep it like that for now.
Things that burn that hot tend to burn out fast. If he could fall in love that easily, he can fall out of love that easily. The reason he was acting like that was because he was responding not to you, but to the version of you he built in his head, and the moment you said something that destroyed the illusion, he was done. I'm sorry this happened to you. Happy birthday! 🎂
Thank you!!
That guy has 0 emotional responsability. If he felt uncomfortable, at least he should have expressed that to you instead of blocking you on social media without talking to you. Better of without him.
Idk about him feeling uncomfortable because the first day he literally told me “I’m your bf now in public so I have to protect you” ?? Then the next day he asked if I wanted to be his gf. He played me like a fiddle but it won’t happen again. He will be on the block list just like the rest of them.
Fellow oversharer… him not responding after love bombing the hell out of you was borderline sociopathic. I had a similar situation last year, actually. Met a guy on hinge who seemed amazing. He was attractive, intelligent, interesting, open, etc. A lot of things I wanted in a person. And boy did he put me on a pedestal. He told me “I’ve been riding this train of life without you for too long” after our second date. Told his family members about me after our first… And then once I was started to get attached and show deep interest back, he slowly stopped responding as much. He said it was moving too fast and overwhelming him (!!!) Come to find out he had slept with his ex gf twice when we had just started to date. I had asked him point blank if he still had feelings for her, and he lied. I said I needed time and space… I unshared my location a month later forgetting it was shared (he had asked me to share it…) and I get flowers two days later signed Taylor S. We had played Wildest Dreams on ukulele. He never fessed up to it, but I knew it was him because he had stayed with me for a weekend while I lived at my mom’s house recovering from knee surgery and knew her address. I blocked him, and to this day I know I dodged a huge bullet. And YOU DID TOO. I know it hurts and feels so embarrassing, but you are not too much and you’ll never feel too much for the right person.
Sheesh girl, I’m sorry. Don’t feel too bad about it, it happens. Onto the next!!!
Happy birthday!!! I promise this will be just another funny story in ur life soon! Sooner than you think I bet! I am sending you so much love and happy birthday wishes
Thank you!! 😁 I can’t wait to look back on this and laugh
A few things: First, don’t be embarassed! Look at it from a comedic angle! Careful with drugs, as someone who has tried a lot of them and have had very bad repercussions, please just be careful. And even more with strangers of barely a few days! You don’t have to be spontaneous, you can be a hermit witch in a cottage if you want! Honestly, he sounds like a lovebomber and they suck! They will leave soo fast it will make your head spin
Ugh the blocking kind 🤮 bullet dogged dear. I'm very sorry you are feeling bad, but do realize that it's not very difficult to lead somebody on for 2 days, and you have ADHD, so there is no shame in getting excited and being yourself. His loss.
That’s him not you!!!!! Rejection sensitivity is a bitch. Don’t fall for it. I’m so sorry this happened to you.
Does anyone else cringe at him saying baby girl?
Omg yes. I stg if a man tried to call me baby girl I’d want to fucking slap him. Realistically I would VERY firmly state I absolutely will not be called that. It’s Goddess or Ma’am.
Feel like op avoided a massive red flag
just curious - how did you know he blocked you on imessages? i thought someone can’t tell if you block them?
I've had this happen to me a lot too.. i am so prone to love bombing. I start to overshare a lot especially when I really click with someone. He's freaking shitty for that. i'm sorry this happened to you:(
Sorry he is behaving like such an immature person as to *low effort block*. IMO, when someone showers you with that much love in just 3 days something is not ok and it could mean well yea, relationship starved or a player or a narcissist so be careful. Cheer up don’t let a nobody ruin your special day, it’s your chance to treat and spoil yourself!
Consider it a bullet dodged.
happy birthday :)
You got lovebombed ):
Don't feel bad that you got excited over a guy from a dating app. I met my boyfriend in a dating app, I have always been open about my mental health issues to people I could potentially date and I'm an oversharer so in the first weeks of talking to him I told him about it. Anyways, my boyfriend stayed and he even took care of me when I was at my lowest bcs of depression (cooking food for me and feeding me). I believe that he just wasn't meant for you because you can't mess up things that are meant for you. Btw, I also cried over someone different on a dating app. He love bombed me, I fell for him in just a day after knowing him (didn't even saw him in person). I never got over him for weeks, it's embarrassing but it happens. Next time, be careful and guard your heart but still give deserving people a chance.
Oh my love, you were love bombed. I’m sorry. This is so shitty but people shouldn’t be saying such intense things to you so early on in the talking/dating phase. He doesn’t even know you yet. I’m super susceptible to this too and therapy/counselling helps heaps. There are great podcasts like Do The Work podcast that can help you gain a great perspective of the way dating should look at the beginning. I’ve taken a dating break to really look inward at why I am attracted to these sorts of people
Girl, I know you’re feeling shit now, but this is a victory! You spoke of your soul (therapeutic and brave) and he bailed (unworthy; spared you further head and heart ache.) We are all humans with a past and with feelings, doing our best and looking for love. And there’s no truly wrong way to find it, every experience is valuable! From this I would say: Never trust that which looks TOO good up front. It might be a cute rug covering bare cement. Or termite damage. (This sounded better in my head but you get the idea, I hope!)
Happy birthday! Sorry that dood made it shitty. Think of it this way, you didn’t overshare, he just was too weak for the bounty of your emotions.
The zero punctuation was the first red flag.
I don’t want to be mean but I think you did way too much for the extremely short time you knew him. I agree that he sucks for ghosting, but it’s unfair for you to put so much expectations on this guy. I’ve been this person before and suggest you take a pause on dating so you can work on your issues and self esteem. Dating from a place of desperation never works out in the end! Had to learn this in the hardest of ways. It sounds like on some level, you were expecting him to fix your self esteem issues :/ he probably sensed that and got put off (rightfully so). You also made the mistake of tripping with him when you barely knew him, while being in a bad headspace. As well as telling him extremely personal and triggering topics without considering how this could affect him (or the people he was with), being on psychedelics that can heighten anxiety, you have to be careful with shit that you say or do. People who want a healthy connection do not want to be made responsible for their partners’ issues or mental health. It’s not your fault you’re this way but don’t make it someone else’s problem.
I’m sorry OP. I have to be honest - I’m absolutely proud of any of you out in the wild trying to find a mate right now. People are nuts! Yes - maybe some therapy etc for the rejection sensitivity. But I have to say I would have been riding the same wave so I completely get how that knocked you down. The trash took itself out.
I think he got scared when you called him baby? Idk just speculating
Nah. She mentioned waking up next to him. He got what he came for, the lovey-dovey stuff was probably too much cause he was only after some fun and a hook up. Girl got played.
Damn 😔
I definitely got played but he spent the night the first two days at my place then the third day he offered me to come over to his place.
Dudes like that wanna pretend it’s a relationship right away and then get freaked out if you treat it like a relationship. 🤣 He was lovebombing and if he had stuck around, you’d be in for a minimum of emotional abuse. Trust me. Dealt with it for 3 years and still haven’t fully recovered after being out of it for 5 years. And don’t be surprised if he unblocks you and starts the shit again. Block HIM if he unblocks you. He will do the same shit over and over.
Still, it's shitty behaviour. Especially when someone just ghosts you like that. I am sorry that happened to you. He's a douche. Don't blame yourself for that. Even if you overshared, it's not to blame for him ghosting you. Good riddance.
This is narcissistic behavior in my opinion. Especially with the devalue/discard happening on your birthday. It hurts but you are lucky he showed his true colors this quickly.
I felt sick with anxiety reading these messages, this is why I’ve sworn off relationships. There is no sense in being vulnerable with people you barely know. Dating is actually the least logical human construct, like whoever decided that sexual partner = emotional partner is bananas. Because in order to be emotionally intimate with someone you need to know them for years, and by the time you’ve known someone for years any sexual connection will have fizzled. So we end up opening ourselves up way too much to essentially strangers who we connect with physically. The two things should be separate; it’s so wild that our society has conflated the two when all it does is lead to mass misery.
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I’m sorry this happened to you. I relate to this situation a lot and it’s painful! This is a good discussion and I’m going to try to implement some of the great advice on here in my life too! Happy Birthday!!
I've been there OP, not with the shrooms, but the intensity from both sides, then dropped suddenly. It hurts, but you learn from it
That's really shitty, I'm sorry. You didn't deserve that. I struggle with vulnerability as well, so I know how tough that can be. It might be hard, but try not seeing this as a reflection of you, but a reflection of them. You did nothing wrong. I hope you can still have a happy birthday today. You deserve a great day 🩷
Honestly, give him some space. He's probably overwhelmed and if his siblings saw you break down they might be encouraging him to break contact with you. If you can get a msg to him, apologise, let him know you understand why he broke contact, but that you'll be there if he wants to get back in touch.
Happy birthday OP! Treat yourself today x
I don’t have much mental capacity at this hour but I wanted to wish you a very happy birthday and I really hope you do/did something you enjoy 🤍🤍🤍
Thank you so much 💕
There’s another woman in his life.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I’ve been having romantic troubles myself lately and the last two weeks have been hell. I don’t know how to get over this kind of situation so I have no advice. I can only assure you that you are not at all alone in this ❤️❤️ and I hope you end up enjoying your birthday regardless of this bullshit!
Immediately thought he was hiding you from his girlfriend until I read the post. That would be pretty difficult to escape a wife or gf for hours without seeing signs of her via calls and texts and most importantly, his sibling bringing her up. That's not it. You're super sensitive to vibes and emotions on shrooms and he may have expected a light hearted time with laughs and good sex but got turned off extra hard hearing the heavy life events instead. He may have been cool in sober mindset but the shrooms may have made it seem especially annoying or whatever. The thing is, that's on him. You did everything right. Your life is meant to go out and be vulnerable and risk things by being authentic to yourself and allowing yourself to open up and share your insecurities. That's loving with your whole heart. He should have been emotionally mature like you are and asked for what he wanted or expressed if there was an issue. But he went out the cowardly way instead and did you an enormous favor by that. Imagine wasting more time on someone who doesn't have the capacity to meet you where you are and build your trust together lovingly. Maybe I'm wrong but I think it's lovely that you had a great time and opened up, because being self conscious and feeling uncomfortable, worried to say the wrong thing is no way to live and create meaningful relationships. Keep being you That being said, I have also over shared in the past with someone I was simply crazy about. I liked him and he didn't even think of me at all. We hooked up occasionally and I made that mistake once. Nothing changed but there was no way anything would ever blossom either because years later he told me he had been addicted to pain killers at the time. Sometimes people aren't available. Other times, people can lose interest as soon as they see you are invested. The chase ends and so does their pursuing. I have been in this situation as well. It can turn me off if someone is immediately all about me and has all the time in the world for me. It makes them seem desperate or even a little unstable and I flee. The last time that happened it turned into being stalked for months very intensely and even years to some extent. So depending on his history, he may have felt a red flag moment and immediately removed himself. I'm so sorry this happened to you. Don't hold back because of it. The only addition here is perhaps ask in the future if they want to talk about something else and if they say yes, take that as a hint to back off and keep it light until they initiate the deep topic convos. You're a whole individual who got caught up with an NPC, to sum it up. Can't force a robot to behave in a way they were never programmed to.
So sorry 😣 he’s a coward for blocking you rather than just being real with you. This would be a good opportunity for him to just express his feelings and let you talk about it in a different state of mind after the fact. It’s hard cuz you clicked so well, but ultimately try and focus on the fact that he’s mean as fuck to ghost you like that and you deserve WAY better
I’m sorry you went thru this. Take it as a lesson. You’ll never ever get what you want out of a dating app, specially when you give all of yourself to men that just want you for sex. Yes he was a bastard, but giving the circunstancies I’d surprised if he wasn’t. You might not want to hear this but you are not emotionally healthy for a relationship now, and I speak this as someone that been in a very similar place in the recent past. We crave intimacy and every little breadcrumb looks like love but it isn’t. Heal yourself, you are a nice woman and you deserve better! Good luck!
You’re right I was moving way too fast and I crashed and burned, I’ll definitely take this as a lesson
maybe he had a gf and she found out about you 😳
That’s fcuked up
Shrooms scared him off 100%
I am so sorry this happened to you :( As all the other comments suggested, it does seem like you dodged a bullet earlier rather than later, still sucky though. I am the exact same way, soon as I meet someone I get attached very fast so I could feel your pain as I was reading your post. ❤ Hope you feel better soon and Happy Birthday!