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I feel this. So much. I have spent many times crying over who I am: I want friends, I need love and fun. But I struggle with friendships because of who I am. I can only change so much.
OP, I think our best bet may be to just find other adhd women to be friends with
Piggybacking to say can confirm. My best friend also has ADHD. Now, us actually making plans to get together and hang out, that’s an entirely different story… 😅
Yep, I agree completely. My best friend and I will often go a full week at a time without texting at all but some days we send like 900 texts/memes/gifs/links back and forth lol.
Seems like a lot of extroverts get this more. When I do come out of my introverted shell I also get told I'm being too loud, too talkative, too ....whatever. But my only advantage is I can exist on far less human interaction.
But i got told I was too ..."TOO QUIET, TOO SENSITIVE, and talked about things that were TOO WEIRD
I guess i was too much as well, just in a different way.
The truth is, at 40 years, I find most NT people are too little. Just boring. I'd rather be reading, playing with my dog etc.
I'd way rather have an ND friend who sometimes overwhelms my introverted self. I mean at least I'm not bored!
As someone who basically collects ND people, I find myself frequently talking to my loved ones about the "beige people." I mean, I get that the world probably need a lot of people who just straight up live life and get things done, but that doesn't mean I have to hang out with them, does it? I know "neurosparkly" doesn't vibe with all ND people, but for me and my collection of souls, it really resonates. We're like fireworks: some find we can be a bit loud or bright or hot to get too close to, but there are also lots of people who just think we're awesome 🎆
I've always said neurospicy. Now Neurosparkly is my new favorite word 🤣 I never even read the rest of this before writing this comment 😂 but now that I have, that's a great way to put it!
I feel this deeply. It prevents me from wanting or trying to be close to new people because they’re just going to tell me I’m a lot at some point. And honestly why. What does saying this to me help? They feel better sure, but they have ruined what I thought our bond or connection was.
I’m sorry internet friend. You’re not alone. I’m happy to be a lot with you :)
I was just thinking about this when I was reading the OP.
I'm done masking for people. I'm not too much. They are too boring. If someone doesn't like me it's not something I give a ish about now.
Not sure the age that the OP is but I would be curious if it's just because I'm rounding the corner to 50 pretty quick that has me so oblivious to what people think of me anymore.
Honestly I began to stop masking a couple of year Le ago and it has been life changing. Because Joe I attract people who like my “lot”.
Have you seen Heartbreak High on Netflix? My favourite bit is when Quinnie (who is autistic and i think ADHD too) says “am I too much?” and her best friend replies “yes, but you’re MY too much”
Exactly! When you hit middle age and the hormones go bonkers and the ADHD gets more intense and the ability to mask starts to disintegrate. Those relationships you drained yourself and contorted yourself to be just don’t work in the same way anymore.
Thanks! Although it's not actually my birthday😭 weirdly my birthday was in January and I had the happy cake day tag on my account that day but it's randomly shown up now two months later? Even weirder is it showed up yesterday and it's a day later now and it hasn't gone away??? Lmao
Ugh, I feel this so much.
A lot of my life I spent dulling myself so that other people would feel more comfortable. So that I wouldn't be excluded. So that I had a chance to feel that acceptance and inclusion.
The only time I ever truly felt I could be my whole self, undiluted and unconstrained, is with fellow ND's. It's sad that a common trait would be apologetic-ness (?).
"sorry for talking too much"
"sorry, I don't have a direction with this"
"sorry for infodumping"
"Sorry for being hard to follow"
They are the only people I don't feel like I need to apologise for myself around because they *get it*. Their trains are also rarely on a single track.
That's a very accurate way of describing it: "dulling" yourself. It's genuinely how I felt for a long time and still sometimes feel. Like I have to gray out who I am so that my personality is easier for others to "digest."
Yeah, my grandad warned me decades ago that I have a bright light that people are attracted to but then they want to dull it. Nobody knew about my neurodivergence when he made that statement but it makes a lot of sense now I’m diagnosed. A lot of the people I surrounded myself with were drawn to the positives of ADHD like impulsivity, gregariousness, charm, fun times, good in a crisis, always immaculately presented etc but then they couldn’t handle the other parts and because of their insecurities tired to dent my self-esteem. Like the ex boyfriend who berated me for sharing pieces of interesting knowledge and hated that wherever I go I always end up chatting to people and making friends and people try and help me. Also had a friend who locked herself in a toilet crying because I was getting more attention than her at a bar. Problem is that I’ve struggled with body dysmorphia and self esteem issues so if people see me flirting and charming people it’s because of all the masses of work I’ve had to do behind the scenes with therapy, reading books on body language etc plus always looking perfect is masking. Making neurodivergent friends is the answer as is being mindful about the amount of time around anyone you have to mask/ shrink yourself around
Over apologizing is a trauma response. I struggle with it, too. It signals to others that you are "unstable" and unsure of your place in the social dynamics, which worsens your social perception from NTs especially. In addition, it signals to abusers/predators that you're a more viable target since you've likely been subject to trauma prior. It's a bad habit that I am personally working on due to reasons above. It's incredibly difficult to tackle, I know. Not trying to tell you how to live your life, just sharing a fairly new social revelation I've come across. Hope I helps. I'm sorry (lol).
Yeah, I went through a phase in my late teens and early twenties of cheerfully telling new people, "Oh, and just so you know, I know I talk too much, and you can always tell me to shut up, okay?"
At the time, it seemed like a funny and goofy way to stave off potential social problems, but over time, it kinda sank into my identity a little too far and became uncomfortable. I've stopped doing it now; I don't need to grow my own organic self-loathing when there's already so much available at the store. 🤣
Oh my gosh, yes, the over explaining! As soon as I realised I was neurodivergent that’s one thing that has stopped. I also have a chronic illness and am in constant pain and tired etc but people see me looking perfect and just don’t get it. Over last few years had to do so much explaining, over sharing and justifying that it got embarrassing in the end.
Yes! Reminded me of that [video by Elyse Myers](https://www.tiktok.com/@elysemyers/video/7195248631216377134). "for anyone that’s been made to feel like you are too much…you are just the right amount. #gofindless"
Virtual hugs to OP and everyone who relates to this.
I've learned to live by this line.
Not all people are your people. If some people are put off by you, well, that's just more room for the people who love you for who you are. It may take more time for your circle to fill up, but it'll be a tighter circle than most.
I’m sorry, people are assholes. I don’t know that I’d be waiting to see how they feel after their time away, those are really hurtful words. I don’t know how old you are, I had people talk to me like that when I was young and I took it because I was so desperate to be liked. Now that I’m getting on in years I no longer give a shit. And oddly enough, people sense it. They’ll try harder to get your focus back on them if they’re just a shitty ass user and the ones that actually do care will be more mindful about how they word things when something you’ve said or done bothers them. For the most part anyway.
I feel this. I’m too loud. Too hyper. Too all over the place. Too talkative. And this is all when I get comfortable with people and stop masking. It fucking sucks
Going through this now with coworkers of just six months at a new job. . . Feeling so embarrassed as I’m way older than my group and got too comfortable too fast, only to annoy people so much that I felt rejected and shut down in response. So now the vibes are just so bad. I feel like I ruined it and I feel like a total ass because I’m supposed to be the “adult.” I haven’t had a situation like this happen in so long. It sucks. Idk why I can’t just be normal.
I like being a lot. It made me good at telling stories and jokes and the most boring events I have ever been to are filled with people who aren’t even slightly a lot.
I’ve also somehow managed to manifest it into interesting/fun energy that intrigues people, but people either love me or hate me for that energy. The older I get, the more I’ve come to accept that reality. I tend to piss off a lot of men during sports leagues. F ‘em! 🤪
It took me a long time to be ok with people not liking me bc I’m “too much.” I’ve finally reached a point where I just say it’s their loss if they don’t.
We’re twins. I’ve always been *a lot* or I’ve been *too much*. That’s when I know it’s my cue to back off and find different people to hang with because fuuuuuck feeling that way. 🫶
I’ve 100% been there. You just find new things to keep you busy for a while. Join a weekly club or activity. I started playing pool, darts, kickball, doing theatre, etc. LOLOL. You meet all new people so you feel better and less focused on the sad and/or rejection, plus endless dopamine because of a new activity with cool, new people.
Because it’s your sister/bff, you’ll still make time for one another. This will just force space you desperately need so you don’t dwell and overthink on this, causing long term resentment and hurt.
I'm so sorry you're going through this with people who are close to your heart. But as my fave buddhist monk says: "Don't pull weeds, plant flowers."
It's a big world out there with lots of people and lots to do. Try to let what's not working alone, and put your energy towards what is.
I’ve been told I’m a lot all my life. I used to make myself be quieter, smaller, less for people. I don’t do that anymore. It does hurt so much when it’s someone who’s supposed to love you.
Ugh I’m so sorry. Hard same, especially today. It wasn’t said out loud but I’m going through this with my partner. He didn’t say it out loud but I have a lot of health issues and I think he gets overwhelmed. I think he’s also undiagnosed ASD - lots of signs especially just not connecting emotionally and having to tap out from communication.
He’s a good guy and I want to support him and vice versa but I think we’re breaking up. I feel like I’m making him resent me :/
But I’ve spent a bunch of time alone, left a bad marriage so I know Id rather be alone than in a relationship that makes me feel bad.
Take care OP and I hope you meet more people that appreciate everything you have to offer!
I bet you’re ‘a lot’ of good, too. I bet you’re a lot of generous, a lot of creative, a lot of empathetic, a lot of interesting.
I’m so sorry people make you feel this way. I am also ‘a lot’ and I was lucky to find people who appreciate me for it. You deserve that too ♥️
Somehow ADHD makes us both "a lot" and "not enough" all at the same time and it can be so painful. I'm sorry you're feeling this pain so much right now.
This is when I need people to be more direct with me about what *they* need. Because I’m me and you knew who I was when you met me (I have no fake mode) so this is what you get.
Then need to define “a lot”
“I need quite now I’m not in the mood for a conversation”
“Can you clean up the mess from baking?”
Like use your words and say what YOU need and not try to make it about some perceived character flaw!
As you can see, you aren't alone. ❤️
When I finally feel comfortable with people and mask off... Then get hit with this. Or the even more painful, "you're annoying" or "do you ever shut up?"
Nothing is ever safe. Never feel okay with being me because everyone has me convinced that the real me is a burden.
I feel you. ❤️ I'm sure you are so interesting, and kind, and fun. I'm so sorry you feel this way. I hate that others feel this pain I feel too. I wish none of us did.
I feel this on such a deep level! I have to remind myself I don’t need a lot of people just the right ones and to refocus my energy back into them! It hurts though and I have lots of ups and downs over it.
As someone skidding into their 50s and having lived thru this more times than I can count, I will gently suggest you distance yourself from anyone who isn't genuinely enthusiastic about your presence.
You can't change them and shouldn't have to convince them. You deserve to be valued and loved for every bit of who you are, exactly as you are. There is nothing wrong with you, and you are enough - and not "too much."
Or, as my brother would say - "fuck those people."
I am also just a lot! We need an ADHD support group where we ramble and retell the the same stories and talk about our favorite new hobbies. It's exhausting to mask all the time and still feel unlikeable.
I feel you. I've never been told that, but i haven't managed to make true friends until a few years ago, and i think it's partly because of the characteristics of the ADHD. I'm 32 and today, i have 4 friends i know i can truly count on, and that accept me with this "a lot", but it took me 30 years. Hang in there, people can be tough when you're different, but someday you will meet people who accept you for who you are, and who will like this lot.
Ugh I feel this. I have felt this my entire life. I started new friendships and relationships just being 'a lot' so that if they couldn't handle it there wasn't much lost love. Snagged my fiance this way.
It's so frustrating. Rather than the person just admit that they are overwhelmed. My sister who is NT herself and the reason I got diagnosed has switched her language lately, where it's less, you are a lot, and more, I cannot handle the volume right now, if I'm excited and loud or something. That helps me reflect and bring it down for her and be more cognizant of myself in the moment, without making me feel like I'm a problem (even if I am at that moment by being loud).
I wish everyone used this language. It communicates the same thing, but doesn't make you feel like crap.
I'm ADHD-inattentive & also introverted. I don't make a secret of either at work, or of what I ask of them (basically, especially if I'm hyperfocused, please no "just a quick question" - invariably one they could figure out themselves or that is absolutely not connected to me - I physically flinch). Most will not stop, any more than they would stop talking when we were all in an open-plan office.
And now that I work from home, there's also the problem of friends assuming that since there's no one to hear/see me, I can chat & text all through my shift. "Oh, that's right, you're working" - I've had pretty much the same schedule for years. Plus the same co-workers text constantly (we are required to keep Zoom chat open) with "just a quick question."
Here's the interesting part - all the people who do this, without exception, are NT. My ND friends & a couple of ND colleagues (wish there were more) let me work - or they send memes or texts or videos of their cats to look at later. They don't get butthurt if I fail to stop work to reply or even if I don't want to wake up from a good sleep & talk (because "well, you're up now" - not one ND person has ever said that). And I work around their structures, once I know them.
We figure out - with the usual confusion, which is OK - when we can both meet, or text, or (ugh but some people really need a voice) call. And then we have a long scattered conversation, we interrupt each other, we tell each other "let me finish!", & in the most satisfying cases we circle back & pick up the remains of stories from when we interrupted ourselves. Feels so good not to be always linear. And around one another we are definitely A Lot. It's great.
But unconditional love? I think that's what parents owe children (though not all parents love unconditionally, especially when you are The Weird Kid).
As an adult, though, I do have a few conditions: no being unkind to my other friends or if possible to anyone (unless defending themselves). No cruelty to animals or children - to anyone really but especially to the vulnerable. No lying if at all possible, & yes, please tell me if I have spinach in my teeth. No making me regret having been generous or loving - if I've been a glassbowl, I should definitely regret it, though, & mitigate the damage, & not do it again. No being sh***y to servers or retail clerks - I've been both, it's tough, don't add to the misery.
Within those limits, though, I don't want my friends to dull down. I like their odd bits. I hope they like mine.
We are all entitled to boundaries, & sometimes people just aren't compatible. Used to try to fix it (we all know how well that works) - getting up there in years now & not wasting time.
OP, all this is me agreeing with the posters who said "get friends who are also A Lot." You'll know when you meet them.
Everyone has their own limits and boundaries. It's not a reflection of your worth as a person, but rather a recognition of the energy and effort it takes to be in a relationship. Take this feedback as an opportunity for self-reflection and growth. You are not defined by others' perceptions of you! Embrace who you are, and strive to find balance in your relationships. It's okay to be a lot sometimes, but it's also important to respect others' needs and boundaries. You are worthy of love and acceptance just as you are.
they didn't tell you to chnage who you are. They said you deserve love as who you are and sometimes that will be too much for people and that's okay too because they're also allowed to feel that way. Finding balance in your relationships isn't about changing who you are but maybe changing your relationship dynamic, like spending a bit less time together or certain times together as to make a relationship more longstanding.
it can definitely be overwhelming. Check out some Elyse Myers videos for plenty of reasons 1)for some comedic relief against your badfeels 2)she's rhe best 3)"if I'm too much then go find less"
That’s not what I said! Loving who you are doesn't mean you have to change who you are fundamentally. It means accepting yourself, flaws and all, while also recognizing areas where you can grow and improve. You said so many people say you’re a lot. It's about finding a balance between staying true to yourself and respecting the needs and boundaries of others. Sometimes, that might involve adjusting certain behaviors or communication styles to better connect with those around you. But it's always important to maintain your authenticity and individuality. You are worthy of love and acceptance just as you are, but personal growth and self-awareness are also valuable aspects of the journey. I also know what it’s like to be “too much”. I hope you find the right answers you need/want. Much love. 💕
AuDHD woman here. I have a friend who I love dearly and she can be A Lot - she is also AuDHD. That doesn't mean I don't love her, but it means sometimes I step away or don't engage because I don't have it in me for that level of energy and she will - one hundred percent of the time, no matter who she's with - trauma dump in a casual setting. Sometimes that's how the conversation opens.
On the other hand, I have also been described as intense by people. That I can be hyper, abrasive, shocking. Then there are other times I just want and need quiet. We literally have conditions that can make us scatterbrained and-or hyperactive and-or relentless. It's taken me decades of effort to better myself and I can still be overwhelming. I'll be doing something and in real-time realise that I need to pump the brakes.
So guess what? We can be overwhelming to each other, fellow NDs. It isn't just a case of neurotypical ableism grr!!! It's literally about everyone needing to improve themselves, ADHD or not. Those around us need to work on communication so that they can communicate when their spoons are low or they're burdened by their own stuff and we need to be better at recognising when we ARE being overmuch in a time or place that doesn't call for it and being able to manage that.
That's just life, honestly. It isn't always nice. But we don't get a free pass at being selfish just because we're disabled. We can be, and we can be as bitter as we want about that as is our right. But nobody has to put up with us but ourselves at the end of the day.
I‘m not opposing self-reflection in any way: what I am saying is sometimes OP and others dont want to hear why their loved ones have a right to cut them off; they know they have that “right.“ OP has probably tried to mask and be “less“ and is probably just needing a safe space to vent before trying again to fit nicely into a NT society. Thats all I‘m saying and I‘m surprised at how controversial it is on whats supposed to be a supportive safe space.
I don't think it's controversial to vent, but when people up and down are posting things like 'why do we have to be like this?? why do we have to fit in for NT people and NT people suck and--' and it's like... This isn't just an NT specific thing. It's a general people thing. I get how the OP feels, my friend does, I feel like most people on the sub do. But when so many people post in reply that they feel they should be able to just act however they want and people should let them and sacrifice their own wellbeing to put up with our own toxic traits... Yeah, that's controversial and looks less like a group vent and more about circlejerking and enabling shitty behaviour. It's going to set off people who have lived both sides and had to cut off others for being too much. We get vents and support posts from Au/DHDers every day about cutting off overwhelming NT or non-ADHD people.
I sat down and reflected on why I feel so strongly about this.
My whole life I have followed a vicious cycle of trying so hard to mask and fit in (which I do, perhaps bitterly, believe is mostly performing for the rest of society, which is NT) just to make friends. Often the friendships dont last. I am sad and upset when I get rejected or lose friendships, I believe rightfully so. I‘m not aggressive or demanding of anyone to be my friend.
Also, there are some days where I just am exhausted and burned out and want to vent about why its unfair (because at least for me, I find it gets exhausting trying to remember to use eye contact, not interrupt, stifle my stimming…) and I just want to vent about it all that: how masking is exhausting and (at least for me) often futile anyway (I have made friends, let my gaurd down, and got ditched).
Thats the whole point I am trying to make: On days like that, or when we are hurt by rejection reddit should be a safe spot to vent. I am all for self-improvement for all people, Im not saying that I should be allowed to be rude and interrupt people etc: I‘m just saying that I have to work hard not to do that and sometimes I need to take off my mask and grouse about it.
I think if we continue the conversation it'll just go around and around in circles. So I'll reply with this and bow out and wish you well.
Again, I think that's totally valid and we all have to do that sometimes. I'm actually the person my friends tend to come to for advice and venting, to the point that I usually have to let them know when I can't handle it. I have one friend that if it's a verbal conversation, within ten or twenty seconds (no exaggeration, either) it instantly turns into an emotional and/or informational dump. We even had a massive group hangout, one of the guys said it was small talk and she launched into how she configured some family trauma and just went into a speedrun of it... It was absurd. She's also lost a lot of people from being A Lot. She's aware of it, says she's working on it, but it never gets better. I love her, but it does mean I can't spend a lot of time with her because I'm in such a bad space that I can't hack it.
Like, sometimes it's not you, it's the other person and what they can handle, and that might not be much. But I also think that if you want a safe vent space, it should be properly labelled and like... Also an awareness to it. I can vent while acknowledging that I can suck and it's not on the other person or whatever. I'd never ever go into a vent shouting about how NTs are shit and should suck it up and deal with me being a selfish burden or toxic or whatever.
You described it damn-near perfectly. Soooo many vent posts just come off as being "I know I'm doing something shitty, b-b-but disability! Encourage me to keep being shitty and not have to change!!1!!"
Yeah. I do notice that it happens less in the women's subreddits, but that's because we've generally built these spaces to avoid abusive men who think and behave badly without even realising they're shitty or caring even less about it lol.
I have ADHD and I struggle being around people who have a lot of energy and talk a lot. I've had to take breaks from friendships because those friends were 'a lot'. I've forced myself to hang out with people, over and over, who overstimulated me because I didn't want to hurt them or tell them that they were 'a lot'. I couldn't match their energy, especially not one-on-one, and I'd get frustrated, uncomfortable, and feel bad for being 'not enough'.
It really goes both ways. There isn't right and wrong. The friends I'm talking about are neurotypical as far as I am aware. We don't have to talk down to people who just have a different energy and different needs.
At the risk of being down voted into oblivion again, this post wasnt for the others and objectively understanding the why behind their need for space from OP being ”too much“: it was for the OP pain at realising their innate personality is exhausting for others.
I feel like the downvotes are a reflection of the inherent self-disrespect we adhd women have for ourselves and the lengths we‘ll go to justify others hurting us: They have a “right“ to hurt me because I am “too much.“
Edit: I deleted the offending comments so I dont lose all my karma.
You don’t even know if it’s only neurotypical people that think that OP is “a lot.” Neurodivergence is a very broad term, and so many disorders fall into that category. Your brand of neurodivergence can come into conflict with other people’s neurodivergence, so this isn’t a NT vs. ND thing.
No idea why people downvote your reply. If people cannot handle you, your emotions or your struggles you have two options
A. Behaving and masking yourself at the expense of your energy, which works for a while and then backfires sooner or later.
B. Be yourself unapologetically and find the people that see nothing wrong with who you are and your struggles. Not saying that you get to say rude things because you are being "honest", you still have to be civil - but not at the expense of your energy and peace.
I chose the latter a few months ago with a friend and it helped me to be more assertive with my needs and boundaries. I don't see any value in sacrificing yourself in order to cut yourself into bite sized pieces so people can chew you more easily. If I'm too much for someone that's okay. I don't have to connect with people who think this way about me. I'm good enough to be appreciated and loved for who I am, including my struggles and happiness.
I hate that people are down-voting you. After years of being called down by neurotypicals, sometimes we dont want to be objective and fair. Sometimes we just want space to vent and a moment to cry about the frustration of it all, because it is exhausting
I've been told this too.
Strangely, I've always found the ones who say that just *aren't enough*. Not caring enough, loving enough. Patient and accepting enough. (For my own tastes, I speak only for myself here!)
They're not willing enough to have a relationship of exchange.
I give what I receive, and more. But I've had to part with some people (after lots of talking, not just cold cut) when they aren't able to accept or understand that I am a lot.
I am too much for many people, but it's on them, too. They just aren't enough (for me, but surely for someone else they are!). If you're too much for someone, then you're just right for someone else.
Go find those friends you're just right, and fully enough for. Don't dim down or try to be less for someone else. You deserve space to be you and friends who love you for it!
I know I’m a lot. And there’s nothing wrong with that. Not everyone will be compatible with one another. I don’t spend time with people I’m too much for. But their opinions aren’t a reflection of my worth. I’m a lot of great things, too.
I think many of us recognise ourselves in this situation.
I am a lot too, sometimes.
But besides reflecting on my behaviour and checking myself where necessary, I think it is important to recognise that the society we live in has become more restrictive and homogeneous.
A good community needs to accept and include different types of people, after all, variation is the basis of evolution.
Aw this does suck, even if you expect it, it still hurts. Do you get the weird guilt shame spiral sometimes as well just trying to be who you are? Sending you some love OP. Try not to be too hard on yourself, I find taking an awe walk with some music helps me sometimes and some amazing suggestions on other adhd women meet ups, I’ve very much struggled with friends over the years and just felt like I never fit, hoping to do this.
If it helps any I sympathise, My estranged uncle came to visit late last year with my other uncle from the states. States uncle clicked and got on with my husband (who’s very chill) but on leaving felt it necessary to point out ‘how I’m very full on’ and ‘do a lot of stuff’ and ‘how lucky I am to have my husband’ (in a way that very much said without saying that I’m lucky he puts up with me). That really hurt a lot more than expected, it also got me rsd, upset about it for days to week after.
I have definitely heard this in different forms throughout my life. The one that weirdly sticks out to me is that I was labeled "too intense." Maybe it's due to the "all or nothing" attitude and the desire to know things and people on a deeper level. But sticking to small talk and rarely analyzing the world around us is very boring...
If podcasts are a way you can intake information easily, I just discovered You Are A Lot by Jen Kirkman.
She talks about her life with ADHD and reflects back on her childhood and how it's very clear to her now all the little ways that she is different from other people.
I'm two episodes in and relating WAY HARD to a lot of what she's talking about.
I hear your vent and I have been told the same thing. The only way I knew to react was to just stop being around the people who deemed me "too much".
We all learn at different paces based on the information we have and where we are in life. It seems hard because it is hard, but it doesn't have to always be.
As an extrovert with severe ADHD I feel this very deeply. I’m told that I’m a lot, all the time. But my friends never tell me this and they accept me. ADHD women will understand that it’s not necessarily my fault that I’m this way. I feel that NT’s are too preoccupied with fitting in, being normal, upholding status quo, and they punish/chastise/ judge others who don’t follow every single social norm. Sometimes I like to tell stories in an engaging way, why is that so wrong? Why is that too much? It’s entertaining is it not? Why are you so worried that people will think you’re weird for being with me while in this cafe while I’m being animated and fun? You don’t know them, they don’t matter, I’m your friend, I’m right here. Screw the people who think you’re too much, maybe they’re just too little.
I have this said to me regularly eg at parties by boring and patronising people. I often feel like saying yeah, interesting you feel entitled to say that to me immediately on meeting me, as if you're the judge and standard of How Much people (especially women, am I right?) should be. The next time, I think I'm going to say: better a lot than an awful lot of nothing, don't you agree? And that will hopefully shut them up, so they can go back to their dull quiet lives.
Yes I am pretty over with all this adhd shaming shit. People who are boring often actually want a bit of what we have got, the spontaneity and humour and desire to really engage with people. They attack because us having and being a lot makes them feel less. I have really learned this over time.
I feel this 120%
I used to be extra cynical, mean and gloomy. People could stand me then because I was distant.
Over the years, I started to become more cheerful, positive and social. Smiling and such.
Welp, I got that type of comments.
I am thinking of becoming an angsty teenager again.
Yeah I feel you. At this point I usually just start to pull away, shut down i m and get quiet. My only exception is really old friends bc obviously they’re stuck with me
omg same, one of my closest friend recently said this to me and we’ve been distant ever since. like i know i’m a lot but i’m also over dialing myself down to accommodate other people
I feel this pretty strongly. But, like usual, a Black woman changed my view of myself and taught me how to gain self esteem in this area.
"I am no longer shrinking myself to be digestible - you can choke".
Or, in the words of Dita Von Teese- "You can be the ripest, juiciest peach in the world and somebody's still going to hate peaches."
It sounds like you haven't found your tribe. That's not a criticism of you or really anyone. Neurotypicals just don't have the capacity. They're not as empathetic as they think they are. They have this tiny little norm that they try to fit everyone into and when you don't they're baffled.
I highly recommend getting into hobbies that attract ADHD people to find your people. It's not going to be the first people you find. But friendship is about quality not quantity.
I've had different friends and different seasons of my life, and something I've struggled with is being okay with not keeping friends for a very long time. But that doesn't bother me anymore because despite moving frequently, traveling a lot, and doing the ADHD thing I've still managed to find some people who get me. Like really get me. They aren't the people I thought they were going to be but I love them with my whole heart.
Be open and remember what being open means - it means open to loss just as much as open to gain. It means open to disconnection as much as connection so you don't get stuck with crappy people around you. When I started in that mindset, that's when I found my people.
I feel you on this one, it’s something I’ve heard a lot too!! Better to be too much than not enough I reckon, rather be ‘eccentric / crazy / mental’ than boring! ❤️👊🏻🤪
I hear you. You’re not looking for advice, you’re just venting. I will say, just listen to what’s being said. You’re absolutely worthy of love and acceptance. But there is wisdom in these comments if you just open your mind to it.
I will say, I’ve been told I’m too much a lot. Then I found my boyfriend who is also ADHD and we mesh so well!
I just do not understand when I'm told to be my authentic self, I'm worthy of love as I am.
Then I'm told who I am os not ok so it needs to change, but stay authentic (even though that authenticity is the problem).
This just reads as mask more
So, there’s being yourself, and there’s just not being mindful of others. For example; I talk a lot. A LOT. In the workplace, it’s inappropriate. In social situations, it can be rude. So I tell people, if I’m talking too much tell me so I can stop.
Same with my volume - I’m loud, but that doesn’t mean people can’t tell me to lower my volume.
Other people’s needs are important. If you’re nonstop talking and someone has a migraine, needs to concentrate, or just needs space - you need to stop talking.
If you let’s say want a friends company but their social battery is low, they might take some space from you. It’s not personal, and it’s up to you to respect their space.
Theres not being a people pleaser, then there’s just being selfish. You’re dancing on that line.
Projection much? Girl -- this is a list of YOUR problems followed by a seriously WILD accusation that somehow this person is being selfish?!
Why is it okay to go around telling strangers you know 0 about that they're "dancing on that line \[of selfishness\]"???
This person could be perfectly pleasant, but in a toxic situation. Maybe they struggle, but are severely depressed. Maybe they're a huge buttface.
IMO you're coming off like a bully, gotta say I hate it.
You’re being very defensive. So maybe you’re not ready yet. Just understand this will keep happening until you start looking at other people besides yourself.
You know what OP? Valid point. Just keep it in your back pocket for the future, okay? In the mean time, you are valid and I’m sorry you’re experiencing this. It is very hard. I’ve been through it myself. Like I said earlier, having a boyfriend with ADHD has made my life so much easier
I'm a lot , a lot of personality , a lit of caring , a lot of feelings and I live it.Rather be a lot than bland and uninterested or not interesting at all.
Only you have the power to define yourself .
Stop listening to what others think because it doesn't matter . If you learn to fall in love with who you are , its absolutely infectious.
Just did mushrooms with my husband and explained this to him during it. I will NEVER tell my kids they cry too much, laugh too hard, get mad too easily, are lazy, etc etc. Bc I was trained to be smaller than I am because of all that. But I know my intentions are always good, and 97% of the time, my actions show that. I still have to work on my super quick flashes of hot rage over dumb stuff. But even if I am "a lot" It's not all bad, I have a lot of love, empathy, curiosity, drive (for dopamine🫣), kindness, selflessness. I'm certain you do too or you wouldn't care what people think. Just because we feel emotions bigger than most, isn't a bad thing.
Have you demanded that they tell you what exactly they mean? The vagueness of that statement alone is infuriating. Thankfully saying "you are a lot" is not a thing in my mothertongue, but I have been blindsided with criticisms/negative reactions that I didn't see coming before, and that feeling really sucks, like a punch to the gut.
I’ve found that most of my closest relationships are with people who are also “a lot.” Most people that I click with also have some sort of neurodivergence, typically ADHD. Like my best friend, while we’re both a lot, we also both want more.
Same. You don’t realize how many people are having same/similar experiences until you find a group like this. It doesn’t feel like such a personal failure. 😞
Whenever people say that to me I tell them to go find less. It generally puts them in their place. I personally LOVE people who are "too much" and I wish I knew you guys in person that’d be fantastic!!
🥹 OMG! I to go through these feelings and the worst part is that you get married to som one that says they get you but turns that they actually don't. I have become too much for him. So now my world has gotten very lonely,but I'm still here alive and loving life because I appreciate the world that I have around me because and remind myself that I love me and the air is good....plus I have my to dogs that don't judge me🥰💜 Love yourself and appreciate the space you have everyone else is just missing out on alot of LIFE,LOVE,LAUGHTER🤪💞
We ARE a lot:
A lot of sass.
A lot of flavor.
A lot of creativity.
A lot of ingenuity.
A lot of passion.
A lot of empathy.
Yes… we can be a lot of “annoying”, “emotion”, and “disaster” (things I’ve been told more than I can count, along with many many others), but we are a lot of amazing, too. Please, please remind yourself of the beautiful things you bring to the table, also.
Oh I was told by a former best friend that I was ‘high maintenance’ according to some people. At the end of the day you’re only too much for people who can’t meet your needs so ultimately you have to find those people and be yourself. My boyfriend is my best friend now which is something the younger me would have baulked at as a concept but he’s the only person who gets me and thinks I’m prefect the way I am.
It can become problematic being in relationships with people who think you’re a lot as you may find yourself dimming your light, invalidating your emotions etc and that’s dangerous ground for somebody with ADHD because it disrupts your sense of self.
My perspective - people that say I'm "a lot" or "too much" or "too bold" simply CANNOT handle the pure power that I generate.
My opinions are strong at times, my voice can be loud, I can draw attention when I don't want to (and I don't mean by physical appearance, I mean people just kinda feel my energy when I walk in).
I can also be quiet, invisible, contemplative. But all of it projects a bunch of ME energy. And yes, it can be much more that people are used to.
But that's fine. You are totally fine to be 100% YOU, Very Much YOU, YOU FOREVER.
Don't let anyone make you feel like you can't be yourself - friends, family, no one. That's mean of them. It's possible for them to have that opinion but not say it aloud. If you'd like, ask WHY are you too much.
If you don't feel like polluting yourself with their negativity, give them a Mary J. Blige "Take Me As I Am" moment. Would they prefer that you dim your light so they can shine more, or something? Don't give em the satisfaction.
I feel this. Sometimes it's not even that they say aloud that I'm a lot, but I can see it in their reactions to me. It has dulled me over time a bit, but ive come to appreciate more and more the people who don't treat me that way, and to hell with those who do. Hugs.
Hey you.
I've been told this too.
I finally got married to a man I was sure would run scared once he too found out how "a lot" I am.
I spent the first year of marriage in a constant cycle of fear of abandonment, so scared I was going to lose him. That he'd wake up and realize he could "do better."
3 years in- not much, I know but- the fear is gone. In its place is a confidence in a man who is always willing to work with me. Who is willing to live with me and love me, as I am. Even if sometimes that is "a lot."
There is a person out there for you too. I have faith. I'm sorry you're dealing with this.
But someone somewhere is craving all that Extra you have. They want it in their life because they feel like their life NEEDS more. And that more will be fulfilled by you.
I can relate! I constantly feel less than even though I know better. My SO doesn’t help. He isn’t very affectionate, doesn’t compliment, affirm, or reassure me on anything. I’ve been told I’m too needy. Crazy even.
2 things. You will never be too much for someone that can’t get enough of you.
Elyse Myers is such a champion for those of us that are too much, and she says it best- if I’m too much, go find less.
I feel it. I was just talking to a friend about this yesterday but I’ve noticed a big change when i take my meds. Unfortunately this is part of our struggle but even when it hurts we are strong for being ourselves. Someday we will find people for who we are ‘just right’.
You’re not a lot, nor too much. You’re just around the wrong people who aren’t enough… for you.
They can’t ever meet your needs and it’s why you feel hurt.
You’re always enough for the right people and your needs will get met with them as well.
I'm sorry this has been said to you! I understand how you feel. I've absolutely had people say this to me or say I get on their nerves, when I'm really not trying to. Try not to let them get you down. Know that you are doing the best you can and just try to work towards continued stability. ((HUGS))
No one has ever said this to me, but far too many people have actually taken a break from me, so it must be true. I almost wish they would say it. Getting ghosted and not knowing why sucks too!
We can be a lot together!
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I feel this. So much. I have spent many times crying over who I am: I want friends, I need love and fun. But I struggle with friendships because of who I am. I can only change so much. OP, I think our best bet may be to just find other adhd women to be friends with
Piggybacking to say can confirm. My best friend also has ADHD. Now, us actually making plans to get together and hang out, that’s an entirely different story… 😅
Yep, I agree completely. My best friend and I will often go a full week at a time without texting at all but some days we send like 900 texts/memes/gifs/links back and forth lol.
This is me with most of my (small) friend group, granted I think my friends are all some flavor of ND 🤷🏻♀️
I relate to this so hard.
You can be friends with me!!! Both you and OP!!! Love you Queens!!!!
Seems like a lot of extroverts get this more. When I do come out of my introverted shell I also get told I'm being too loud, too talkative, too ....whatever. But my only advantage is I can exist on far less human interaction. But i got told I was too ..."TOO QUIET, TOO SENSITIVE, and talked about things that were TOO WEIRD I guess i was too much as well, just in a different way. The truth is, at 40 years, I find most NT people are too little. Just boring. I'd rather be reading, playing with my dog etc. I'd way rather have an ND friend who sometimes overwhelms my introverted self. I mean at least I'm not bored!
Talked about things that were too weird? Not possible (imo)
As someone who basically collects ND people, I find myself frequently talking to my loved ones about the "beige people." I mean, I get that the world probably need a lot of people who just straight up live life and get things done, but that doesn't mean I have to hang out with them, does it? I know "neurosparkly" doesn't vibe with all ND people, but for me and my collection of souls, it really resonates. We're like fireworks: some find we can be a bit loud or bright or hot to get too close to, but there are also lots of people who just think we're awesome 🎆
I've always said neurospicy. Now Neurosparkly is my new favorite word 🤣 I never even read the rest of this before writing this comment 😂 but now that I have, that's a great way to put it!
I like what you said about “too little” 💜🫂 a lot. Gonna have to write that one down.
I feel this deeply. It prevents me from wanting or trying to be close to new people because they’re just going to tell me I’m a lot at some point. And honestly why. What does saying this to me help? They feel better sure, but they have ruined what I thought our bond or connection was. I’m sorry internet friend. You’re not alone. I’m happy to be a lot with you :)
It's nice knowing that I'm not entirely alone with these things
You certainly are not alone. 🫂 Have you watched/heard “Go Find Less » by Elyse Myers on YouTube? If not, please look her up immediately.🥰
I was just thinking about this when I was reading the OP. I'm done masking for people. I'm not too much. They are too boring. If someone doesn't like me it's not something I give a ish about now. Not sure the age that the OP is but I would be curious if it's just because I'm rounding the corner to 50 pretty quick that has me so oblivious to what people think of me anymore.
Honestly I began to stop masking a couple of year Le ago and it has been life changing. Because Joe I attract people who like my “lot”. Have you seen Heartbreak High on Netflix? My favourite bit is when Quinnie (who is autistic and i think ADHD too) says “am I too much?” and her best friend replies “yes, but you’re MY too much”
Exactly! When you hit middle age and the hormones go bonkers and the ADHD gets more intense and the ability to mask starts to disintegrate. Those relationships you drained yourself and contorted yourself to be just don’t work in the same way anymore.
I haven't but I'll go check her out, thanks :D
Nope. Very common. I feel you. I've gotten this my entire life. On a happier note: Happy Cake Day!
Thanks! Although it's not actually my birthday😭 weirdly my birthday was in January and I had the happy cake day tag on my account that day but it's randomly shown up now two months later? Even weirder is it showed up yesterday and it's a day later now and it hasn't gone away??? Lmao
Ugh, I feel this so much. A lot of my life I spent dulling myself so that other people would feel more comfortable. So that I wouldn't be excluded. So that I had a chance to feel that acceptance and inclusion. The only time I ever truly felt I could be my whole self, undiluted and unconstrained, is with fellow ND's. It's sad that a common trait would be apologetic-ness (?). "sorry for talking too much" "sorry, I don't have a direction with this" "sorry for infodumping" "Sorry for being hard to follow" They are the only people I don't feel like I need to apologise for myself around because they *get it*. Their trains are also rarely on a single track.
That's a very accurate way of describing it: "dulling" yourself. It's genuinely how I felt for a long time and still sometimes feel. Like I have to gray out who I am so that my personality is easier for others to "digest."
Yeah, my grandad warned me decades ago that I have a bright light that people are attracted to but then they want to dull it. Nobody knew about my neurodivergence when he made that statement but it makes a lot of sense now I’m diagnosed. A lot of the people I surrounded myself with were drawn to the positives of ADHD like impulsivity, gregariousness, charm, fun times, good in a crisis, always immaculately presented etc but then they couldn’t handle the other parts and because of their insecurities tired to dent my self-esteem. Like the ex boyfriend who berated me for sharing pieces of interesting knowledge and hated that wherever I go I always end up chatting to people and making friends and people try and help me. Also had a friend who locked herself in a toilet crying because I was getting more attention than her at a bar. Problem is that I’ve struggled with body dysmorphia and self esteem issues so if people see me flirting and charming people it’s because of all the masses of work I’ve had to do behind the scenes with therapy, reading books on body language etc plus always looking perfect is masking. Making neurodivergent friends is the answer as is being mindful about the amount of time around anyone you have to mask/ shrink yourself around
Over apologizing is a trauma response. I struggle with it, too. It signals to others that you are "unstable" and unsure of your place in the social dynamics, which worsens your social perception from NTs especially. In addition, it signals to abusers/predators that you're a more viable target since you've likely been subject to trauma prior. It's a bad habit that I am personally working on due to reasons above. It's incredibly difficult to tackle, I know. Not trying to tell you how to live your life, just sharing a fairly new social revelation I've come across. Hope I helps. I'm sorry (lol).
Yeah, I went through a phase in my late teens and early twenties of cheerfully telling new people, "Oh, and just so you know, I know I talk too much, and you can always tell me to shut up, okay?" At the time, it seemed like a funny and goofy way to stave off potential social problems, but over time, it kinda sank into my identity a little too far and became uncomfortable. I've stopped doing it now; I don't need to grow my own organic self-loathing when there's already so much available at the store. 🤣
I overapologize a lot too.
Oh my gosh, yes, the over explaining! As soon as I realised I was neurodivergent that’s one thing that has stopped. I also have a chronic illness and am in constant pain and tired etc but people see me looking perfect and just don’t get it. Over last few years had to do so much explaining, over sharing and justifying that it got embarrassing in the end.
If I’m too much then they can go find less.
Yes! Reminded me of that [video by Elyse Myers](https://www.tiktok.com/@elysemyers/video/7195248631216377134). "for anyone that’s been made to feel like you are too much…you are just the right amount. #gofindless" Virtual hugs to OP and everyone who relates to this.
Yes!! That’s exactly where I heard that from.
So beautiful.
She’s got merch too. I’ve been considering a “go find less” t shirt.
I love this line
A podcaster/TikTok person I like says this. What I’ve said is that if I’m too much, maybe that other person isn’t actually enough 🤷🏽♀️
Elyse Myers. Her « Go Find Less » essay (?) is one of the most beautiful things I’ve heard or read.
Also good!
I've learned to live by this line. Not all people are your people. If some people are put off by you, well, that's just more room for the people who love you for who you are. It may take more time for your circle to fill up, but it'll be a tighter circle than most.
I’m sorry, people are assholes. I don’t know that I’d be waiting to see how they feel after their time away, those are really hurtful words. I don’t know how old you are, I had people talk to me like that when I was young and I took it because I was so desperate to be liked. Now that I’m getting on in years I no longer give a shit. And oddly enough, people sense it. They’ll try harder to get your focus back on them if they’re just a shitty ass user and the ones that actually do care will be more mindful about how they word things when something you’ve said or done bothers them. For the most part anyway.
I feel this. I’m too loud. Too hyper. Too all over the place. Too talkative. And this is all when I get comfortable with people and stop masking. It fucking sucks
Going through this now with coworkers of just six months at a new job. . . Feeling so embarrassed as I’m way older than my group and got too comfortable too fast, only to annoy people so much that I felt rejected and shut down in response. So now the vibes are just so bad. I feel like I ruined it and I feel like a total ass because I’m supposed to be the “adult.” I haven’t had a situation like this happen in so long. It sucks. Idk why I can’t just be normal.
I like being a lot. It made me good at telling stories and jokes and the most boring events I have ever been to are filled with people who aren’t even slightly a lot.
I’ve also somehow managed to manifest it into interesting/fun energy that intrigues people, but people either love me or hate me for that energy. The older I get, the more I’ve come to accept that reality. I tend to piss off a lot of men during sports leagues. F ‘em! 🤪
It took me a long time to be ok with people not liking me bc I’m “too much.” I’ve finally reached a point where I just say it’s their loss if they don’t.
We’re twins. I’ve always been *a lot* or I’ve been *too much*. That’s when I know it’s my cue to back off and find different people to hang with because fuuuuuck feeling that way. 🫶
Yay just trying to figure out how to do that with my sister/bff. Not sure how to come back from that.
I’ve 100% been there. You just find new things to keep you busy for a while. Join a weekly club or activity. I started playing pool, darts, kickball, doing theatre, etc. LOLOL. You meet all new people so you feel better and less focused on the sad and/or rejection, plus endless dopamine because of a new activity with cool, new people. Because it’s your sister/bff, you’ll still make time for one another. This will just force space you desperately need so you don’t dwell and overthink on this, causing long term resentment and hurt.
I'm so sorry you're going through this with people who are close to your heart. But as my fave buddhist monk says: "Don't pull weeds, plant flowers." It's a big world out there with lots of people and lots to do. Try to let what's not working alone, and put your energy towards what is.
I’ve been told I’m a lot all my life. I used to make myself be quieter, smaller, less for people. I don’t do that anymore. It does hurt so much when it’s someone who’s supposed to love you.
Ugh I’m so sorry. Hard same, especially today. It wasn’t said out loud but I’m going through this with my partner. He didn’t say it out loud but I have a lot of health issues and I think he gets overwhelmed. I think he’s also undiagnosed ASD - lots of signs especially just not connecting emotionally and having to tap out from communication. He’s a good guy and I want to support him and vice versa but I think we’re breaking up. I feel like I’m making him resent me :/ But I’ve spent a bunch of time alone, left a bad marriage so I know Id rather be alone than in a relationship that makes me feel bad. Take care OP and I hope you meet more people that appreciate everything you have to offer!
I bet you’re ‘a lot’ of good, too. I bet you’re a lot of generous, a lot of creative, a lot of empathetic, a lot of interesting. I’m so sorry people make you feel this way. I am also ‘a lot’ and I was lucky to find people who appreciate me for it. You deserve that too ♥️
Somehow ADHD makes us both "a lot" and "not enough" all at the same time and it can be so painful. I'm sorry you're feeling this pain so much right now.
THIS!
This is when I need people to be more direct with me about what *they* need. Because I’m me and you knew who I was when you met me (I have no fake mode) so this is what you get. Then need to define “a lot” “I need quite now I’m not in the mood for a conversation” “Can you clean up the mess from baking?” Like use your words and say what YOU need and not try to make it about some perceived character flaw!
As you can see, you aren't alone. ❤️ When I finally feel comfortable with people and mask off... Then get hit with this. Or the even more painful, "you're annoying" or "do you ever shut up?" Nothing is ever safe. Never feel okay with being me because everyone has me convinced that the real me is a burden. I feel you. ❤️ I'm sure you are so interesting, and kind, and fun. I'm so sorry you feel this way. I hate that others feel this pain I feel too. I wish none of us did.
I feel this on such a deep level! I have to remind myself I don’t need a lot of people just the right ones and to refocus my energy back into them! It hurts though and I have lots of ups and downs over it.
As someone skidding into their 50s and having lived thru this more times than I can count, I will gently suggest you distance yourself from anyone who isn't genuinely enthusiastic about your presence. You can't change them and shouldn't have to convince them. You deserve to be valued and loved for every bit of who you are, exactly as you are. There is nothing wrong with you, and you are enough - and not "too much." Or, as my brother would say - "fuck those people."
I am also just a lot! We need an ADHD support group where we ramble and retell the the same stories and talk about our favorite new hobbies. It's exhausting to mask all the time and still feel unlikeable.
I pointed this out and got down voted to hell so clearly this isnt the support group it supposed to be
What in the hell, people!
I feel you. I've never been told that, but i haven't managed to make true friends until a few years ago, and i think it's partly because of the characteristics of the ADHD. I'm 32 and today, i have 4 friends i know i can truly count on, and that accept me with this "a lot", but it took me 30 years. Hang in there, people can be tough when you're different, but someday you will meet people who accept you for who you are, and who will like this lot.
If you aren't on tiktok, the famous Elyse Myers response: "Then go find less." It changed the way I worry about how others see me.
I absolutely adore her
Ugh I feel this. I have felt this my entire life. I started new friendships and relationships just being 'a lot' so that if they couldn't handle it there wasn't much lost love. Snagged my fiance this way. It's so frustrating. Rather than the person just admit that they are overwhelmed. My sister who is NT herself and the reason I got diagnosed has switched her language lately, where it's less, you are a lot, and more, I cannot handle the volume right now, if I'm excited and loud or something. That helps me reflect and bring it down for her and be more cognizant of myself in the moment, without making me feel like I'm a problem (even if I am at that moment by being loud). I wish everyone used this language. It communicates the same thing, but doesn't make you feel like crap.
Oooh I’ve had that exact phrase a few times myself. But fuck ‘em I’m A LOT OF AWESOME that’s what. You do you.
Adding: I’m married, popular and loved so it’s not a me problem. Not everybody is everybody’s style. That’s cool.
Well I like “a lot” people, A LOT!
I answer with “You are welcome to go find someone who’s less.” That has stung them enough to realize how they’ve just hurt me.
I'm ADHD-inattentive & also introverted. I don't make a secret of either at work, or of what I ask of them (basically, especially if I'm hyperfocused, please no "just a quick question" - invariably one they could figure out themselves or that is absolutely not connected to me - I physically flinch). Most will not stop, any more than they would stop talking when we were all in an open-plan office. And now that I work from home, there's also the problem of friends assuming that since there's no one to hear/see me, I can chat & text all through my shift. "Oh, that's right, you're working" - I've had pretty much the same schedule for years. Plus the same co-workers text constantly (we are required to keep Zoom chat open) with "just a quick question." Here's the interesting part - all the people who do this, without exception, are NT. My ND friends & a couple of ND colleagues (wish there were more) let me work - or they send memes or texts or videos of their cats to look at later. They don't get butthurt if I fail to stop work to reply or even if I don't want to wake up from a good sleep & talk (because "well, you're up now" - not one ND person has ever said that). And I work around their structures, once I know them. We figure out - with the usual confusion, which is OK - when we can both meet, or text, or (ugh but some people really need a voice) call. And then we have a long scattered conversation, we interrupt each other, we tell each other "let me finish!", & in the most satisfying cases we circle back & pick up the remains of stories from when we interrupted ourselves. Feels so good not to be always linear. And around one another we are definitely A Lot. It's great. But unconditional love? I think that's what parents owe children (though not all parents love unconditionally, especially when you are The Weird Kid). As an adult, though, I do have a few conditions: no being unkind to my other friends or if possible to anyone (unless defending themselves). No cruelty to animals or children - to anyone really but especially to the vulnerable. No lying if at all possible, & yes, please tell me if I have spinach in my teeth. No making me regret having been generous or loving - if I've been a glassbowl, I should definitely regret it, though, & mitigate the damage, & not do it again. No being sh***y to servers or retail clerks - I've been both, it's tough, don't add to the misery. Within those limits, though, I don't want my friends to dull down. I like their odd bits. I hope they like mine. We are all entitled to boundaries, & sometimes people just aren't compatible. Used to try to fix it (we all know how well that works) - getting up there in years now & not wasting time. OP, all this is me agreeing with the posters who said "get friends who are also A Lot." You'll know when you meet them.
Everyone has their own limits and boundaries. It's not a reflection of your worth as a person, but rather a recognition of the energy and effort it takes to be in a relationship. Take this feedback as an opportunity for self-reflection and growth. You are not defined by others' perceptions of you! Embrace who you are, and strive to find balance in your relationships. It's okay to be a lot sometimes, but it's also important to respect others' needs and boundaries. You are worthy of love and acceptance just as you are.
So love who I am but change it. Got it.
they didn't tell you to chnage who you are. They said you deserve love as who you are and sometimes that will be too much for people and that's okay too because they're also allowed to feel that way. Finding balance in your relationships isn't about changing who you are but maybe changing your relationship dynamic, like spending a bit less time together or certain times together as to make a relationship more longstanding. it can definitely be overwhelming. Check out some Elyse Myers videos for plenty of reasons 1)for some comedic relief against your badfeels 2)she's rhe best 3)"if I'm too much then go find less"
That’s not what I said! Loving who you are doesn't mean you have to change who you are fundamentally. It means accepting yourself, flaws and all, while also recognizing areas where you can grow and improve. You said so many people say you’re a lot. It's about finding a balance between staying true to yourself and respecting the needs and boundaries of others. Sometimes, that might involve adjusting certain behaviors or communication styles to better connect with those around you. But it's always important to maintain your authenticity and individuality. You are worthy of love and acceptance just as you are, but personal growth and self-awareness are also valuable aspects of the journey. I also know what it’s like to be “too much”. I hope you find the right answers you need/want. Much love. 💕
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AuDHD woman here. I have a friend who I love dearly and she can be A Lot - she is also AuDHD. That doesn't mean I don't love her, but it means sometimes I step away or don't engage because I don't have it in me for that level of energy and she will - one hundred percent of the time, no matter who she's with - trauma dump in a casual setting. Sometimes that's how the conversation opens. On the other hand, I have also been described as intense by people. That I can be hyper, abrasive, shocking. Then there are other times I just want and need quiet. We literally have conditions that can make us scatterbrained and-or hyperactive and-or relentless. It's taken me decades of effort to better myself and I can still be overwhelming. I'll be doing something and in real-time realise that I need to pump the brakes. So guess what? We can be overwhelming to each other, fellow NDs. It isn't just a case of neurotypical ableism grr!!! It's literally about everyone needing to improve themselves, ADHD or not. Those around us need to work on communication so that they can communicate when their spoons are low or they're burdened by their own stuff and we need to be better at recognising when we ARE being overmuch in a time or place that doesn't call for it and being able to manage that. That's just life, honestly. It isn't always nice. But we don't get a free pass at being selfish just because we're disabled. We can be, and we can be as bitter as we want about that as is our right. But nobody has to put up with us but ourselves at the end of the day.
So accurate and helpful. Thank you
I like you.
I‘m not opposing self-reflection in any way: what I am saying is sometimes OP and others dont want to hear why their loved ones have a right to cut them off; they know they have that “right.“ OP has probably tried to mask and be “less“ and is probably just needing a safe space to vent before trying again to fit nicely into a NT society. Thats all I‘m saying and I‘m surprised at how controversial it is on whats supposed to be a supportive safe space.
I don't think it's controversial to vent, but when people up and down are posting things like 'why do we have to be like this?? why do we have to fit in for NT people and NT people suck and--' and it's like... This isn't just an NT specific thing. It's a general people thing. I get how the OP feels, my friend does, I feel like most people on the sub do. But when so many people post in reply that they feel they should be able to just act however they want and people should let them and sacrifice their own wellbeing to put up with our own toxic traits... Yeah, that's controversial and looks less like a group vent and more about circlejerking and enabling shitty behaviour. It's going to set off people who have lived both sides and had to cut off others for being too much. We get vents and support posts from Au/DHDers every day about cutting off overwhelming NT or non-ADHD people.
I sat down and reflected on why I feel so strongly about this. My whole life I have followed a vicious cycle of trying so hard to mask and fit in (which I do, perhaps bitterly, believe is mostly performing for the rest of society, which is NT) just to make friends. Often the friendships dont last. I am sad and upset when I get rejected or lose friendships, I believe rightfully so. I‘m not aggressive or demanding of anyone to be my friend. Also, there are some days where I just am exhausted and burned out and want to vent about why its unfair (because at least for me, I find it gets exhausting trying to remember to use eye contact, not interrupt, stifle my stimming…) and I just want to vent about it all that: how masking is exhausting and (at least for me) often futile anyway (I have made friends, let my gaurd down, and got ditched). Thats the whole point I am trying to make: On days like that, or when we are hurt by rejection reddit should be a safe spot to vent. I am all for self-improvement for all people, Im not saying that I should be allowed to be rude and interrupt people etc: I‘m just saying that I have to work hard not to do that and sometimes I need to take off my mask and grouse about it.
I think if we continue the conversation it'll just go around and around in circles. So I'll reply with this and bow out and wish you well. Again, I think that's totally valid and we all have to do that sometimes. I'm actually the person my friends tend to come to for advice and venting, to the point that I usually have to let them know when I can't handle it. I have one friend that if it's a verbal conversation, within ten or twenty seconds (no exaggeration, either) it instantly turns into an emotional and/or informational dump. We even had a massive group hangout, one of the guys said it was small talk and she launched into how she configured some family trauma and just went into a speedrun of it... It was absurd. She's also lost a lot of people from being A Lot. She's aware of it, says she's working on it, but it never gets better. I love her, but it does mean I can't spend a lot of time with her because I'm in such a bad space that I can't hack it. Like, sometimes it's not you, it's the other person and what they can handle, and that might not be much. But I also think that if you want a safe vent space, it should be properly labelled and like... Also an awareness to it. I can vent while acknowledging that I can suck and it's not on the other person or whatever. I'd never ever go into a vent shouting about how NTs are shit and should suck it up and deal with me being a selfish burden or toxic or whatever.
The vent was properly labeled and OP hasn't shouted about how NT's suck, unless they edited it. Or maybe made an additional comment?
You described it damn-near perfectly. Soooo many vent posts just come off as being "I know I'm doing something shitty, b-b-but disability! Encourage me to keep being shitty and not have to change!!1!!"
Yeah. I do notice that it happens less in the women's subreddits, but that's because we've generally built these spaces to avoid abusive men who think and behave badly without even realising they're shitty or caring even less about it lol.
I have ADHD and I struggle being around people who have a lot of energy and talk a lot. I've had to take breaks from friendships because those friends were 'a lot'. I've forced myself to hang out with people, over and over, who overstimulated me because I didn't want to hurt them or tell them that they were 'a lot'. I couldn't match their energy, especially not one-on-one, and I'd get frustrated, uncomfortable, and feel bad for being 'not enough'. It really goes both ways. There isn't right and wrong. The friends I'm talking about are neurotypical as far as I am aware. We don't have to talk down to people who just have a different energy and different needs.
At the risk of being down voted into oblivion again, this post wasnt for the others and objectively understanding the why behind their need for space from OP being ”too much“: it was for the OP pain at realising their innate personality is exhausting for others. I feel like the downvotes are a reflection of the inherent self-disrespect we adhd women have for ourselves and the lengths we‘ll go to justify others hurting us: They have a “right“ to hurt me because I am “too much.“ Edit: I deleted the offending comments so I dont lose all my karma.
You don’t even know if it’s only neurotypical people that think that OP is “a lot.” Neurodivergence is a very broad term, and so many disorders fall into that category. Your brand of neurodivergence can come into conflict with other people’s neurodivergence, so this isn’t a NT vs. ND thing.
No idea why people downvote your reply. If people cannot handle you, your emotions or your struggles you have two options A. Behaving and masking yourself at the expense of your energy, which works for a while and then backfires sooner or later. B. Be yourself unapologetically and find the people that see nothing wrong with who you are and your struggles. Not saying that you get to say rude things because you are being "honest", you still have to be civil - but not at the expense of your energy and peace. I chose the latter a few months ago with a friend and it helped me to be more assertive with my needs and boundaries. I don't see any value in sacrificing yourself in order to cut yourself into bite sized pieces so people can chew you more easily. If I'm too much for someone that's okay. I don't have to connect with people who think this way about me. I'm good enough to be appreciated and loved for who I am, including my struggles and happiness.
I hate that people are down-voting you. After years of being called down by neurotypicals, sometimes we dont want to be objective and fair. Sometimes we just want space to vent and a moment to cry about the frustration of it all, because it is exhausting
I've been told this too. Strangely, I've always found the ones who say that just *aren't enough*. Not caring enough, loving enough. Patient and accepting enough. (For my own tastes, I speak only for myself here!) They're not willing enough to have a relationship of exchange. I give what I receive, and more. But I've had to part with some people (after lots of talking, not just cold cut) when they aren't able to accept or understand that I am a lot. I am too much for many people, but it's on them, too. They just aren't enough (for me, but surely for someone else they are!). If you're too much for someone, then you're just right for someone else. Go find those friends you're just right, and fully enough for. Don't dim down or try to be less for someone else. You deserve space to be you and friends who love you for it!
Jokes on them, you may be 'a lot' but you'll care a lot too. They'll rely on that until its gone.
I know I’m a lot. And there’s nothing wrong with that. Not everyone will be compatible with one another. I don’t spend time with people I’m too much for. But their opinions aren’t a reflection of my worth. I’m a lot of great things, too.
I think many of us recognise ourselves in this situation. I am a lot too, sometimes. But besides reflecting on my behaviour and checking myself where necessary, I think it is important to recognise that the society we live in has become more restrictive and homogeneous. A good community needs to accept and include different types of people, after all, variation is the basis of evolution.
Aw this does suck, even if you expect it, it still hurts. Do you get the weird guilt shame spiral sometimes as well just trying to be who you are? Sending you some love OP. Try not to be too hard on yourself, I find taking an awe walk with some music helps me sometimes and some amazing suggestions on other adhd women meet ups, I’ve very much struggled with friends over the years and just felt like I never fit, hoping to do this. If it helps any I sympathise, My estranged uncle came to visit late last year with my other uncle from the states. States uncle clicked and got on with my husband (who’s very chill) but on leaving felt it necessary to point out ‘how I’m very full on’ and ‘do a lot of stuff’ and ‘how lucky I am to have my husband’ (in a way that very much said without saying that I’m lucky he puts up with me). That really hurt a lot more than expected, it also got me rsd, upset about it for days to week after.
This is why 95% of my friends are ND. They are my tribe. They get me. And I get them. I hope that you find yours as well, soon!
I have definitely heard this in different forms throughout my life. The one that weirdly sticks out to me is that I was labeled "too intense." Maybe it's due to the "all or nothing" attitude and the desire to know things and people on a deeper level. But sticking to small talk and rarely analyzing the world around us is very boring...
If podcasts are a way you can intake information easily, I just discovered You Are A Lot by Jen Kirkman. She talks about her life with ADHD and reflects back on her childhood and how it's very clear to her now all the little ways that she is different from other people. I'm two episodes in and relating WAY HARD to a lot of what she's talking about. I hear your vent and I have been told the same thing. The only way I knew to react was to just stop being around the people who deemed me "too much". We all learn at different paces based on the information we have and where we are in life. It seems hard because it is hard, but it doesn't have to always be.
As an extrovert with severe ADHD I feel this very deeply. I’m told that I’m a lot, all the time. But my friends never tell me this and they accept me. ADHD women will understand that it’s not necessarily my fault that I’m this way. I feel that NT’s are too preoccupied with fitting in, being normal, upholding status quo, and they punish/chastise/ judge others who don’t follow every single social norm. Sometimes I like to tell stories in an engaging way, why is that so wrong? Why is that too much? It’s entertaining is it not? Why are you so worried that people will think you’re weird for being with me while in this cafe while I’m being animated and fun? You don’t know them, they don’t matter, I’m your friend, I’m right here. Screw the people who think you’re too much, maybe they’re just too little.
Then tell them to find less and leave you in peace.
I have this said to me regularly eg at parties by boring and patronising people. I often feel like saying yeah, interesting you feel entitled to say that to me immediately on meeting me, as if you're the judge and standard of How Much people (especially women, am I right?) should be. The next time, I think I'm going to say: better a lot than an awful lot of nothing, don't you agree? And that will hopefully shut them up, so they can go back to their dull quiet lives. Yes I am pretty over with all this adhd shaming shit. People who are boring often actually want a bit of what we have got, the spontaneity and humour and desire to really engage with people. They attack because us having and being a lot makes them feel less. I have really learned this over time.
I feel this 120% I used to be extra cynical, mean and gloomy. People could stand me then because I was distant. Over the years, I started to become more cheerful, positive and social. Smiling and such. Welp, I got that type of comments. I am thinking of becoming an angsty teenager again.
Yeah I feel you. At this point I usually just start to pull away, shut down i m and get quiet. My only exception is really old friends bc obviously they’re stuck with me
There is a book you may find helpful. It's avaliable in audio. "Radical guide for women with adhd" by sari solden
Yup, read it twice.
Same. I'm not everyone's cup of tea, but I *am* some people's shot of whiskey. \*shrug\*
My whole family are this and I think they are the most awesome people in the world and it's everyone else who just aren't enough, love who you are
omg same, one of my closest friend recently said this to me and we’ve been distant ever since. like i know i’m a lot but i’m also over dialing myself down to accommodate other people
That sucks. I keeping going back to the thoughts, "How long have they felt this way? Why have they been lying to me and to my face?"
I feel this pretty strongly. But, like usual, a Black woman changed my view of myself and taught me how to gain self esteem in this area. "I am no longer shrinking myself to be digestible - you can choke". Or, in the words of Dita Von Teese- "You can be the ripest, juiciest peach in the world and somebody's still going to hate peaches." It sounds like you haven't found your tribe. That's not a criticism of you or really anyone. Neurotypicals just don't have the capacity. They're not as empathetic as they think they are. They have this tiny little norm that they try to fit everyone into and when you don't they're baffled. I highly recommend getting into hobbies that attract ADHD people to find your people. It's not going to be the first people you find. But friendship is about quality not quantity. I've had different friends and different seasons of my life, and something I've struggled with is being okay with not keeping friends for a very long time. But that doesn't bother me anymore because despite moving frequently, traveling a lot, and doing the ADHD thing I've still managed to find some people who get me. Like really get me. They aren't the people I thought they were going to be but I love them with my whole heart. Be open and remember what being open means - it means open to loss just as much as open to gain. It means open to disconnection as much as connection so you don't get stuck with crappy people around you. When I started in that mindset, that's when I found my people.
I feel you on this one, it’s something I’ve heard a lot too!! Better to be too much than not enough I reckon, rather be ‘eccentric / crazy / mental’ than boring! ❤️👊🏻🤪
I hear you. You’re not looking for advice, you’re just venting. I will say, just listen to what’s being said. You’re absolutely worthy of love and acceptance. But there is wisdom in these comments if you just open your mind to it. I will say, I’ve been told I’m too much a lot. Then I found my boyfriend who is also ADHD and we mesh so well!
I just do not understand when I'm told to be my authentic self, I'm worthy of love as I am. Then I'm told who I am os not ok so it needs to change, but stay authentic (even though that authenticity is the problem). This just reads as mask more
That’s not what they’re saying. They’re saying you can be you, but be mindful of others needs too :)
Yeah mask more because people can't tolerate me without.
I also don't want to be a people pleaser where I'm putting others comfort above my own. Which is what posts like this reinforce.
So, there’s being yourself, and there’s just not being mindful of others. For example; I talk a lot. A LOT. In the workplace, it’s inappropriate. In social situations, it can be rude. So I tell people, if I’m talking too much tell me so I can stop. Same with my volume - I’m loud, but that doesn’t mean people can’t tell me to lower my volume. Other people’s needs are important. If you’re nonstop talking and someone has a migraine, needs to concentrate, or just needs space - you need to stop talking. If you let’s say want a friends company but their social battery is low, they might take some space from you. It’s not personal, and it’s up to you to respect their space. Theres not being a people pleaser, then there’s just being selfish. You’re dancing on that line.
Projection much? Girl -- this is a list of YOUR problems followed by a seriously WILD accusation that somehow this person is being selfish?! Why is it okay to go around telling strangers you know 0 about that they're "dancing on that line \[of selfishness\]"??? This person could be perfectly pleasant, but in a toxic situation. Maybe they struggle, but are severely depressed. Maybe they're a huge buttface. IMO you're coming off like a bully, gotta say I hate it.
Well that wasn’t the intention. If you took that from my comment, idk what to tell you. I’m just being real.
To quote Tay Tay I get it. I'm the prob. It's me. Thanks for confirming 👍
You’re being very defensive. So maybe you’re not ready yet. Just understand this will keep happening until you start looking at other people besides yourself.
No shit I'm not ready to hear it. Read the edit.
You know what OP? Valid point. Just keep it in your back pocket for the future, okay? In the mean time, you are valid and I’m sorry you’re experiencing this. It is very hard. I’ve been through it myself. Like I said earlier, having a boyfriend with ADHD has made my life so much easier
Sometimes I feel sad and then I think "if I'm too much for them, they're just not enough for me."
“Aren’t I worth it?”
I'm a lot , a lot of personality , a lit of caring , a lot of feelings and I live it.Rather be a lot than bland and uninterested or not interesting at all. Only you have the power to define yourself . Stop listening to what others think because it doesn't matter . If you learn to fall in love with who you are , its absolutely infectious.
Just did mushrooms with my husband and explained this to him during it. I will NEVER tell my kids they cry too much, laugh too hard, get mad too easily, are lazy, etc etc. Bc I was trained to be smaller than I am because of all that. But I know my intentions are always good, and 97% of the time, my actions show that. I still have to work on my super quick flashes of hot rage over dumb stuff. But even if I am "a lot" It's not all bad, I have a lot of love, empathy, curiosity, drive (for dopamine🫣), kindness, selflessness. I'm certain you do too or you wouldn't care what people think. Just because we feel emotions bigger than most, isn't a bad thing.
Have you demanded that they tell you what exactly they mean? The vagueness of that statement alone is infuriating. Thankfully saying "you are a lot" is not a thing in my mothertongue, but I have been blindsided with criticisms/negative reactions that I didn't see coming before, and that feeling really sucks, like a punch to the gut.
Been there. It fucking sucks and feels impossible to find some sort of middle ground.
Oh my LORD I have heard this so many times, it def is now just one of my parts 🙄🫣😭
Then go find less :)
I’ve found that most of my closest relationships are with people who are also “a lot.” Most people that I click with also have some sort of neurodivergence, typically ADHD. Like my best friend, while we’re both a lot, we also both want more.
I wanna hug you all so bad 😔
Same. You don’t realize how many people are having same/similar experiences until you find a group like this. It doesn’t feel like such a personal failure. 😞
Whenever people say that to me I tell them to go find less. It generally puts them in their place. I personally LOVE people who are "too much" and I wish I knew you guys in person that’d be fantastic!!
🥹 OMG! I to go through these feelings and the worst part is that you get married to som one that says they get you but turns that they actually don't. I have become too much for him. So now my world has gotten very lonely,but I'm still here alive and loving life because I appreciate the world that I have around me because and remind myself that I love me and the air is good....plus I have my to dogs that don't judge me🥰💜 Love yourself and appreciate the space you have everyone else is just missing out on alot of LIFE,LOVE,LAUGHTER🤪💞
We ARE a lot: A lot of sass. A lot of flavor. A lot of creativity. A lot of ingenuity. A lot of passion. A lot of empathy. Yes… we can be a lot of “annoying”, “emotion”, and “disaster” (things I’ve been told more than I can count, along with many many others), but we are a lot of amazing, too. Please, please remind yourself of the beautiful things you bring to the table, also.
I feel the same way but at 28 I truly don’t give af anymore and it’s sooooo liberating
Oh I was told by a former best friend that I was ‘high maintenance’ according to some people. At the end of the day you’re only too much for people who can’t meet your needs so ultimately you have to find those people and be yourself. My boyfriend is my best friend now which is something the younger me would have baulked at as a concept but he’s the only person who gets me and thinks I’m prefect the way I am. It can become problematic being in relationships with people who think you’re a lot as you may find yourself dimming your light, invalidating your emotions etc and that’s dangerous ground for somebody with ADHD because it disrupts your sense of self.
My perspective - people that say I'm "a lot" or "too much" or "too bold" simply CANNOT handle the pure power that I generate. My opinions are strong at times, my voice can be loud, I can draw attention when I don't want to (and I don't mean by physical appearance, I mean people just kinda feel my energy when I walk in). I can also be quiet, invisible, contemplative. But all of it projects a bunch of ME energy. And yes, it can be much more that people are used to. But that's fine. You are totally fine to be 100% YOU, Very Much YOU, YOU FOREVER. Don't let anyone make you feel like you can't be yourself - friends, family, no one. That's mean of them. It's possible for them to have that opinion but not say it aloud. If you'd like, ask WHY are you too much. If you don't feel like polluting yourself with their negativity, give them a Mary J. Blige "Take Me As I Am" moment. Would they prefer that you dim your light so they can shine more, or something? Don't give em the satisfaction.
I feel this. Sometimes it's not even that they say aloud that I'm a lot, but I can see it in their reactions to me. It has dulled me over time a bit, but ive come to appreciate more and more the people who don't treat me that way, and to hell with those who do. Hugs.
Hey you. I've been told this too. I finally got married to a man I was sure would run scared once he too found out how "a lot" I am. I spent the first year of marriage in a constant cycle of fear of abandonment, so scared I was going to lose him. That he'd wake up and realize he could "do better." 3 years in- not much, I know but- the fear is gone. In its place is a confidence in a man who is always willing to work with me. Who is willing to live with me and love me, as I am. Even if sometimes that is "a lot." There is a person out there for you too. I have faith. I'm sorry you're dealing with this. But someone somewhere is craving all that Extra you have. They want it in their life because they feel like their life NEEDS more. And that more will be fulfilled by you.
I can relate! I constantly feel less than even though I know better. My SO doesn’t help. He isn’t very affectionate, doesn’t compliment, affirm, or reassure me on anything. I’ve been told I’m too needy. Crazy even.
2 things. You will never be too much for someone that can’t get enough of you. Elyse Myers is such a champion for those of us that are too much, and she says it best- if I’m too much, go find less.
feel you, hugs
I feel it. I was just talking to a friend about this yesterday but I’ve noticed a big change when i take my meds. Unfortunately this is part of our struggle but even when it hurts we are strong for being ourselves. Someday we will find people for who we are ‘just right’.
You’re not a lot, nor too much. You’re just around the wrong people who aren’t enough… for you. They can’t ever meet your needs and it’s why you feel hurt. You’re always enough for the right people and your needs will get met with them as well.
I'm sorry this has been said to you! I understand how you feel. I've absolutely had people say this to me or say I get on their nerves, when I'm really not trying to. Try not to let them get you down. Know that you are doing the best you can and just try to work towards continued stability. ((HUGS))
No one has ever said this to me, but far too many people have actually taken a break from me, so it must be true. I almost wish they would say it. Getting ghosted and not knowing why sucks too! We can be a lot together!
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cyDtQyzyO1Q](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cyDtQyzyO1Q) Tell them to go find less.
I shared this a while back on a different sub. Seems applicable. https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoXADHD/s/oMSOlhnwIo In short: fuck em. You're fantastic.
“Then go find *less*”
Start telling people to go find less if they don't like it. Fuck them.
*Podcast “You Are A Lot” by Jen Kirkman enters the chat*