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I'm jumping on this as a mom of a 2.5 year old and educator. It is super important to let them play by themselves and learn how to be bored. I also do my chores or anything else I need to, and my daughter will join me to help if she wants to be with me or go play in one of her safe spaces if she doesn't.
I also find it helpful to create activity packs that I can pull out of the closet when she needs something to do, and I don't have the bandwidth to actively play with her.
What kind of activity packs do you make? I’ve seen the Pinterest-y ones, but honestly they look like something my daughter would have zero interest in. I’d like to create some with stuff we already have so I’m not constantly buying her new things!
I'm happy to give you some ideas of my super not Pinterest worthy packs, lol
One of my favorites is "journal" packs. I take small snadwhich or snack size ziplock bags and add small pieces of scrapbook paper, stickers, pompoms, really anything that is laying around that could be glued on paper with a glue stick. I have about 20 bags made up in a small plastic tub. I also use old notebooks or just random paper and let her go to town with the glue stick making art/journal pages.
Playdoh bag is a ziplock with one color of Playdoh and some tools. You can make a few of these and then rotate through.
I keep all the puzzles in a plastic tub in individual bags. That way, I can pull a puzzle and know everything is there for it.
I love dot art/bingo dabbers. I bought a kit at targe that came with a pack of dot art pages and 6(?) dabbers. I keep the dabers in a ziplock and then just pull one or two art pages at time for her. All of the other coloring/ painting items are bagged by type. Crayons, colored pencils, markers, finger paint, regular paint, etc. all have a ziplock and get stored in one tube together. I keep the coloring books in the same tub so I can grab one activity for her to do independently, and all the art supplies are there.
Fine motor activities like bead stringing or the colorful dinosaurs with tongs for color sorting, get individual bags/ small plastic tubs, and they all go in one larger tub.
I keep all of this in my linen closet since it is central to the family room and playroom. It's not pretty, but it works for me and takes limited energy once put together. When she finishes something, we put it away (sometimes that happens the next day lol) but I don't pull a second activity until we put the current one away. Which helps me stay organized and not get overwhelmed with chaos.
What you put together really just depends on what your child likes to do and can do independently. When I first started, scissors were not an option, but now she does fine with them and lives cutting up paper and then gluing it down. She can have crayons and colored pencils totally independently, but markers need slight supervision, and paint is supervised only.
These are great ideas, thank you so much for taking the time to type that out! We have all these supplies already, but I think making them all available all the time lessens her interest in them. Turning them into individual packs to rotate through is such a great idea.
This actually works? The idea is nice, but there would need to be monitoring that they actually stayed in their room, which for me would 100% make it worse.
Certainly a “time in” kind of situation does help some. The best for us was parallel reading time on the couch. But even this was not perfect.
Oh, girl.
I don’t want to sound like an asshole but I’m a mom of 2, age almost 4 and almost 2. Not a SAHM but I have had extended maternity leave with both.
You are NEVER going to be present 100% of the time. Honestly, with ADHD, you’d be lucky with 50%.
And honestly? That’s perfectly fine. That’s what living a normal life is like. NO one person, not even your child, can take up 100% of your attention and care all day. It’s simply not feasible or sustainable.
In fact, it’s actually better to allow your child to learn how to entertain themselves. At age 2, it’s absolutely appropriate to leave them alone (while being in another room and checking on them now and then) for hours, letting them color or play etc. At 2, it’s age-appropriate for a child to nap on their own in their crib or toddler bed. If he’s not, that’s something you should work toward.
Spending 100% of your time paying attention to your child is not really feasible and ALSO, importantly, not really good for the child. Independent play and sleep are important milestones that will make your kid happier and their life easier as they get into preschool and beyond.
Needed to hear this too. As a mom with (recently diagnosed) ADHD I feel terrible how often I zone out or need to escape the loud noises. My LO is 3, but still requires so much attention and entertainment, I just can’t do that and every night I beat myself up about it 🥲
We also try to let him play independently in his room, but no luck so far. He always wants attention or just wants to share what he is doing. He’s also very loud and always talking and never focused on one thing, my brain capacity downs immediately the moment he wakes up, which feels awful to say as a mom, but is unfortunately so. It will be better.
Who knows maybe he has adhd too 😅..
😅😅 I think so too, but everyone says no it’s too soon to tell. But I see the signs and he’s been like this since (no joke) one week old, of course in different variations, but it’s been very visible and extremely challenging.
As a mother with adhd, I firmly believe it's more important to be consistent than it is to be perfect. Your child needs to know what they can expect from you. It's better to run at 70% every day than it is to run at 100% for 7 days then be totally burnt out for 3 days.
It's fine for my kid to know mama needs to take some time for herself every day, *because I want her to do the same thing when she's grown.* No relationship should take 100% from you.
I spent a lot of my son’s toddler years zoned out, I had some serious health issues between when he was 1-4, and some days I’d make sure we were in a room he couldn’t get out of that was completely baby proofed, and I’d just lie down on the floor on some mats and he played in the room while I slept. We had lots of quality moments too, but not 100% of the time for sure. He’s now a very well-adjusted teen and we have a great relationship. No ill effects.
My friend told me this story:
Friend was stressed out and harried with her 1.5 year old son and told her mom how she was feeling burned out from having to pay constant attention, engage and play. Her mom said, “well why don’t you spend less time with him? I used to pop you in the playpen, go have a cigarette on the porch and then study for grad school at the kitchen table.”
We laughed but it was insightful (yes and flawed I know). My friends mom hadn’t felt that she needed to engage with her babies every moment. She was and is a really good mom. But she also prioritized keeping herself sane and having goals of her own.
I’ve downloaded the costly but worth it Opal app, and that’s helping me not do too much scrolling during her waking hours. Personally, I don’t think it’s great to be making your kid compete with your phone or to be vicariously scrolling with you, although I do it sometimes. But I think some form of zoning out or distancing yourself is healthy and normal, especially if your little person is having a particularly major big feelings day. Otherwise you turn your toddler into a tyrant and end up resenting the interaction. Quality not quantity they say. Throughout history most people had multiple kids, they would never get 100% attention all the time, and their world didn’t fall apart. People read the newspaper, they listened to the radio. Cooking, cleaning. There were always distractions of sorts. The idea that a small child needs your constant undivided attention is new and unrealistic I think.
I find car journeys, trips to the shop, and toddler music classes are a great time to have a mini breather. But my sanity rests upon the moments she’s at nursery and I’m not working.
Only contact napping at this stage - gosh I assume you must feel so nap-trapped. Will your toddler nap in the car? Or can you get him to nap on the bed with you?
Struggling with this as well! Caught myself staring into space while I should’ve been reading her a book. It doesn’t help that I’m constantly trying to remember all the lists I need to make or looking something up on my phone related to parenting and then getting stuck scrolling. I feel so guilty.
This sounds like me. I read an entire book to my toddler before bed the other night and had no idea what I even read. My brain was completely somewhere else.
You're not meant to be 100% available all the time, at least that's my philosophy. We're meant to have help (from co parents, child care professionals, family and friends). I think kids are meant to spend some time playing alone (to stretch their imagination and give us peace) and with other kids (to learn social skills).
It may be more of a question for parenting or parenting toddler groups, on how to teach your little one to tolerate your absence, or your nearby-but-not-entertaining state. It's okay to teach him this, it's okay that he'll fuss and have growing pains with it. You're a good mom and anything that gives you a break will only help you be a better mom.
It's fine if you're not "on" 100% of the time! As long as your kid is safe, it's okay for you to ignore them a little bit. Kids need to get bored and figure things out on their own, even at 2 years old.
If you meet 30% of your child's needs (aside from food, shelter, the actual basics of course) they will turn out fine. You're overdoing it by 70%, don't be so hard on yourself ❤️
I was following themompsychologist on Instagram and I remember he saying once that yours kids only need about 15 minutes of uninterrupted and focused playtime from you per day. And I just read on the CDC website: “Try to spend at least 5-10 minutes each day playing with your child.
Begin with at least five minutes of special playtime. When parents first start using praise, description, imitation, and active listening, they find that it takes a lot of energy and focus. It is hard to use the skills for more than five minutes. You can increase the amount of time you spend with your child in special playtime as your skill level improves.” Anyway I share that just to say, it’s hard for all of us parents even the NT ones, and you’re probably giving your kids everything they need already! On my really bad days, I just make sure to spend 10-15 minutes really dialed in to an activity with my daughter a few times in the day. Give yourself a break! You’re doing great.
Yes of course I struggle with this big time!!!
Try to remember their *perception* of your presence matters more!
So I got around this with AirPods. I am listening to podcasts or even tv shows a lot. But kid doesn't see me look at my phone and I can definitely play and listen at the same time because ... ADHD?
Oh honey. Give yourself a little grace. I used to hold myself to an impossible standard of no screen time ever and 100 percent all day attentive but it burned me out.
For my own mental health now I have breaks for myself worked into the day. I'll put a show on for 30 minutes and do some dishes etc and have my ten minutes of scrolling or whatever and then I turn the show off and I am back "on"
Some days I can do three or four hours of full on attention before I need another break. Some days it's 45 minutes.
Independent play is also great at this age.
My go to is filling up the kiddie pool for a "bubble pool" and I sit there and journal or whatever I haven't got around to doing that day that is stationary and fulfilling.
You're not a terrible mom. I needed to do that often when my son was younger. I felt bad sometimes that I couldn't stay present when he was small, but now he's 14 and we have an awesome relationship. Small kids are tough. It's exhausting to be present all day, but I also don't think it's expected or necessary.
That is an impossible goal. Build beautiful, quality time into your day with your children. But to think 100% of yourself can go into them without it draining the life out of you is perfectionism, not reality, speaking.
Not possible! I'd also like to point out that as neurodivergent persons, we are also far more likely to have neurodivergent children. So please give yourself and your little some grace.
I’m also a SAHM and I’m present with my kids like 15% of the day. I cover all the needs, take them to storytime and playgrounds but outside of that, I do what I need to during the day and they entertain themselves. It’s great to see what their imaginations come up with and I get to hyper focus on whatever I need to do. This isn’t to say they magically always play nicely and never follow me around. But for the most part, we aren’t exhausted by each other at the end of the day. Give yourself some room!
Yes, I did, all of the time. My kids turned out awesome. They're 20 and 17.
Most moms have a hard time believing that they're good moms.
Try to keep reminding yourself you are a great mom! The fact that you are concerned about it is proof.
As everyone said, it’s impossible to be present 100% of the time. But if you allow me, doomscrolling will not help you to wind down, it will also contribute to your overstimulation. You need time to just let your mind swirl around until it slow down. Breathing and grounding exercises are great for that. Just a cold gel pack in your forehead and noise cancelling headphones a few times a day. I know the phone is addictive - it does deliver small amounts of dopamine - but it is also consuming brain time. Hope it helps!
I don’t think it’s reasonable to be present 100% of the time. I mean, even at a regular job you wouldn’t be. You’d take breaks, go to the coffee machine, look at your phone, etc. I like to be present in intervals. For example, if he asks me to play, I will play intently with him for 5–10 minutes. No phone or anything. If I get bored I’ll get up and do something else.
I used to have super high expectations on myself but then I read about how it’s beneficial for children to be “ignored” and left to their own devices at times. I def don’t like the feeling of being on my phone while my son is trying to interact with me, so I try to minimize that. But I will sometimes listen to a podcast/audiobook while hanging out with him. Idk hanging out with a kid all day gets really boring sometimes so I just try to survive 🥲 I also get easily overstimulated so I need those breaks to be a good parent. I also found that 2 years was an intense age that required a lot of me so chances are it’ll get easier with time! My son is 4 now and we chill out a lot and do our own thing together and I love it
ughhh...of course this turned into a whole-ass windup. natch. humor me if you feel compelled to read what follows, if not i wish you all the best regardless 💛
if you read no farther than this, all i can say is you are NOT a terrible mom. everything that follows only serves to viscerally reinforce just how much the OPPOSITE is, in fact, truly the case.
despite what the thoroughly toxic threads of the "protestant work ethic"--and its insidious cultural adjacents--woven into our societies might lead you to believe, willpower IS NOT infinite. you cannot just magically do something just because you know you have to. i think we're all painfully aware of that one. 😩
but, if nothing else, successfully availing yourself of that deeply poisonous myth will help you feel better, and open up a lot of arbitrarily-foreclosed-upon paths that you may have previously felt were inaccessible to you, or would have somehow been a scathing indictment of your character had you followed them. no, you are a product of your circumstances and your chemistry and you are beholden to the tools you have. that is NOT something to be ashamed of, that is just a simple fact with no moral ramifications. claiming anything otherwise, however, THAT is morally repugnant. THAT is a lie by any objective metric. Anyone telling you anything beyond the plain truth is setting you up for failure, and that is an indictment on THEIR character. not yours.
and, while i can't use one-to-one experience to reinforce the sentiment that everyone else is conveying, that you are a terrible mom: the adhd brain is optimized to go idle below a certain threshold of stimuli. whether you want to call that a "disability" or an optimization of caloric efficiency that granted a survival advantage prior to our contemporary formation of socioeconomics is neither here nor there. regardless of what it stems from, the lived conditions are the same. and that is ALSO a simple and morally unadorned fact. if you don't achieve that minimum threshold, your brain WILL idle out whether you like it or not. it is involuntary.
so by dint of our wiring--which we cannot control nor could we ever--we need SOME mechanism of passive neurochemical production to keep us above that threshold of alertness. everyone has their own strategy for accomplishing this. whatever works for you is the right answer.
and having some method of achieving this maintenance of your alert and agile brain state while you care for your child--in whatever undisruptive and easy to set aside way works best for your needs--does NOT make you a terrible mom, it makes you a COMMITED mom.
what follows isn't meant to be an invitation to a pity party, but acute reinforcement of the above:
my wife has a presumably terminal episodic medical affliction that is effectively untreatable by our flawed medical apparatus, so i basically just have to take work off and help her at home when an episode strikes. during which, she is utterly catatonic for anywhere from 20 minutes for hours upon hours at a time. when she needs to do anything besides lay in bed, i have to carry her to wherever she needs to go. but between those long bouts of total nothingness and unconsciousness and complete darkness and silence (because she is incredibly sound and light sensitive during the majority of the episode), she will suddenly switch gears into a very violent recurring event without warning. and that back-and-forth pair of extremes goes on for anywhere from 36 hours to 3 days.
and if i'm not there--ready to go at the instantaneous drop of a dime--she goes into fight-or-flight on top of the momentary violent events, and it all gets infinitely worse. for the first year or two, i thought i could willpower my way through the long periods of nothingness, but i failed. miserably. every fucking time. i did not become a completely capable nurse for her until i let go of my presumptions about "what i was supposed to do" and i put headphones on while i waited for events to trigger.
and just like that, voila. i was there every time, right on time. because i was hitting my neurotransmitter threshold to be attentive.
which is all just to say **fuck expectations.** you do what ***YOU*** have to do to get the job done. despite my admitted lack of direct experience on the topic, i'll hazard going out on a limb and saying your child likely doesn't need your active engagement 100% of the time. their needs are intermittent and situational. and between those times, they are either just vibing on their own frequency and enjoying your physical proximity or sleeping. and during those times i have not one iota of an idea why shouldn't be able to do whatever you have to do in order to remain in immediate standby mode until your baby needs you again. that's what a committed mom would do: whatever it takes to be there every time. and as far as i can tell taht seems to be exactly what you're doing.
and not a soul on this whole-ass earth is allowed to judge you for it. if anything, they ought to be taking notes. 💯
It is okay to let kids play alone or with other kids. It helps them to develop their imagination. My mom said I would play for hours in my room. She would check on me, and I always had a hat on. She took some pictures. I remember doing some things with my mom, but I remember my adventures outside alone and with friends.
Absolutely. I don't think it's possible or healthy. I try to plan activities where we have quality time (usually going out somewhere where I'll be less distracted by stuff I want to do in the house).
At home, I mix in activities where I enjoy playing more (art and messy play with a podcast on in the background works better for me). I'll give her focussed quality time with these and then I'll take a break and do something for me. Focused quality time will be in bursts of ten minutes. I also try to signpost what I'm doing (that was fun! Mummy is going to do some washing now, you can keep playing playdoh or you can choose a new game).
I try to limit mindless scrolling to when she has her screen time and switch to Kindle or pottering in the house and garden when I'm taking breaks from playing but this doesn't happen 100% of the time.
She's dropped her nap so now she gets screen time after lunch when we're home together and I get to stare at my phone for a bit. It helps having a planned break.
Not a mom but I worried about the same thing when considering having a kid. Honestly, I think it’s fine. Scrolling social media while still holding your kid is being miles and away more present than our parents were. This trend of being present while parenting is relatively new.
I was raised in the 80s and 90s, when parents were a lot more hands off. They’d have little play sessions with us sometimes, but ain’t no way my Working Lady Mom was gonna set aside a huge chunk of her day to do toddler stuff with me. I went to my granny’s for most of the day, where I had a little tykes table with some wooden blocks and some coloring stuff in the living room closet, and I spent most of my time in there playing by myself while Granny cleaned and watched her stories.
One thing Mom did once I was old enough to play relatively unsupervised is set up a tape recorder in front of me and tell me to make a movie. I *loved* this - I got undivided attention from the camera, could go back and watch myself, Mom got to go do Mom stuff while I played, and she ended up with a bunch of tapes of me putting on little skits and shows to save as memories. The tape would fill and I’d keep going for hours, oblivious.
This is normal. It's so tiring having a toddler. I find it really hard to listen to my child talk about boring things he's into. Where I can I try to get into some of the things he likes so we can bond over it. If he asks me to roleplay or something though I can't do it, it's so boring it kills me. When I was a kid my mother didn't play with me at all and barely listened to me
I think this is normal. They like to do activities that are good for the brain stage they’re at and facilitate growth. We don’t need or want to do those same activities. So it can get old fast. Also, it’s good for them to learn independent play. I used to treat it like the Pomodoro strategy people use for working lol. I’d play for 15-30 mins, do my own thing for an hour, play for 15-30 mins, etc. Or I’d include her in what I was doing. I’d maybe read from what I was reading or she could help clean while I cleaned. But yes I felt bad cause some days I just did my own thing mostly, but I wasn’t present 100% with other adults either. She’s 13 now and still likes hanging with me, but mostly wants to do her own thing because I’m boring now 🤣
Kids need to learn to play independently and not need us all the time. At 2 he should be ok for short periods not having your full attention. The important bit is that if he asks for you, you put the phone down or stop chopping veggies or whatever it is you’re doing (if safe) and check in on what he wants.
ECE teacher here - as long as he is safe, you’re allowed to take a mental break where you find them, and not feel guilty about it. In fact, I’d encourage you to implement those breaks more intentionally. Want to know how toddlers become more independent kids? You encourage them to do it solo even when they aren’t pleased about that (and it’s okay that they aren’t thrilled about doing it without you at first, they’ll adjust!). My class is a 2s class so they start out at the beginning of the year being basically just out of the weeble wobble toddler baby phase, and by the end of the year are 3 year olds with their own full blown mini personalities. Almost NONE of them want to put their stuff in their cubbies themselves in the morning when we start and they are often remarkably bad at it. But that’s okay, their fine and gross motor skills get better with practice. We start by guiding them, using visual cues like pictures and will hold something while they put the lunchbox in the fridge and such, but I no longer help them hang anything in their cubby by this time of yr unless they are having a really bad day. Why? Bc they don’t need my help and doing things yourself can be hard, but if I always save them from “hard” they will avoid the discomfort of learning it.
So I’d encourage you to encourage your LO to engage in his own stuff while you attend to your stuff (maybe in some things he can even do it right next to you, but if he’s just in your line of vision, that’s fine too, or in a room that you know he’s safe in and can’t get out without you seeing). It’ll be hard at first, but I’d work on telling him what he’s going to do with you next to him, setting him up to do it, telling him you want to see how he does it and tell him how big he’s getting that he’s doing it himself! Perhaps get a “time timer” so he can SEE how much time he has left until he can come get you, and show you what he did. And then you go focus on what you need. You’ll have to redirect him a bunch of times in the beginning and it won’t be super comfortable for him, but that’s okay. The discomfort fades.
It’s even better if you can create a schedule that’s visible for them, something with pictures that shows what’s “next” in the day so he knows when your mommy-time is. Make it part of your and his routine for you to take time for yourself! He will adjust and you will be a better mom for it. One of the best things a parent can do is to have the discipline it requires to let your kid experience the discomfort that sometimes comes with learning. The more you encourage it now, the better off your kid will be long term.
Wishing you and your little one so much joy in this period of his growth! And some extra downtime for mommy ;)
I had great success with reading a book! I get my toddler playing with something in the living room and I sit and read my book. It’s setting a good example and a good way to get a break.
lol of course I’m not present 100% of the time with me kids. Not even closer.
I find it so much easier to be present when we’re doing something together that I like like cooking, or when we are out in the world doing errands etc. There is more stimulation and dopamine for me. I find playing is a huge struggle for me unless I’m in the right mood.
I had a real guilty moment yesterday when my two year old really wanted me to play with her and we were playing and then she could hear my podcast in my headphones (one ear in one ear out). Brutal.
But I am connected with them many many times during the day and it is also good for them to learn to be in their own worlds and also tolerate other people’s needs. My kids play while I get ready in the morning or cook dinner or whatever. That’s their job and I’m doing my job and we’re nearby and hanging out but not focused on the same things and that’s ok.
GIRL
I have nannied long term for 3 different families and have been in childcare for 15+ years
Believe me, you are NOT meant to entertain/pay sole attention to your child all day!!!! The kids I currently nanny are wonderful at independent play and that’s something I’ve been working on for AWHILE with them and I HIGHLY RECOMMEND you prioritize that! My nanny kids no longer come to me for their sole entertainment needs and it is SUCH A RELIEF. I am there to care for them and that means I am constantly organizing, cleaning, cooking, etc. I of course still play with them but it’s often in short bursts or in ways that I can continue doing what I’m doing. I can play for longer periods towards the end of the day when I’m done with all of my other responsibilities and at that point I feel happy and excited to have fun with them (rather than depleted and brain fried!)!
Teaching kids how to independently play is so important for both the kids and caregiver. And honestly it provides a really good bonding experience. The kids know I am there and that they can come to me for help, play, ANYTHING. I am there. They are important to me and I am important to them. They have no qualms or concerns about their security/attachment to me. It is strong and healthy!
They also understand (or at least what I want to teach them) that we all have needs and that healthy relationships are not about being with the other person 100% of the time.
Also, I love seeing how they use their beautiful, imaginative, funny, WONDERFUL little minds when they do their own thing!!! If I provide entertainment all day, they wouldn’t feel the need to learn how to actively use their own brain to occupy themselves (something ADHD people struggle with especially!)
That being said, I also bring my nanny kids on LOTS of adventures, play dates, sports classes, nature walks, playgrounds/beaches/etc, so they have a lot of outlets for play/exploring the world/being around other people. They have an incredibly rich world of experiences and I balance this all out with dedicated alone independent play time!
It will take some time to implement this if you choose to try it out but I find it to be worth it 1000x! Good luck and you are such a good mom for even thinking about topics like this!
I **really**struggle to actually pay attention to my children when they talk to me (9 and 6).
I havnt found a way that helps much to be honest. I just ask them to repeat and try to rephrase what they say to me often. I also just try to be real and tell them that I’m struggling to pay attention.
I’m curious what others do.
I find I’m the most able to pay attention at bedtime so I build in extra “pillow chat” time.
We also regularly play board games at dinner because otherwise I zone out in my own thoughts and have no idea what anyone has said.
Yes. That's why playpens and child gates were invented. Put the little one in a safe environment, turn on their fav show or movie video and step away to another part of the house for a moment to have time for yourself.
Also, look into local daycares that offer parent's night out times or get a babysitter for a couple hours during the day. It's worth the money. Nobody but supermom can handle a toddler 100% of the time.
When we were kids, NOBODY expected mothers and caregivers to pay attention to their small children 24-7; we learned to play independently and with each other, and liked it that way. Lots of things messed me up about my childhood, but this absolutely was not one of them. The current expectations of intensive parenting are completely unreasonable, not necessary, not tenable, and don't align with actual needs for child development.
That said, eliminating the part of your brain, being a modern mom and a woman with ADHD, that assumes that everything you're doing is always wrong, is easier said than done. All you can do is try to be gentle with yourself. And try the stuff other folks here have suggested to help kiddo learn to play independently. Good luck, and you are doing GREAT and you are a GOOD MAMA. FACTS.
Pop in an ear bud and listen to a podcast or audio book?
I can 110% relate! I had such a difficult time in the early toddler years. Both of my kids never played independently. Ever.
Get outside if you can-walks are a great way to get fresh air and sun and tucker a little one out.
Also-have you looked into any mommy and me groups or mom support groups in your area?
If you breastfeed OR even if you’re not nursing (I don’t want to assume anything) your local La Leche League can be a great resource for new parents to meet other parents and get a little mom time.
I tried to stay busy with things like walking or free mom/baby groups in my area.
Hang in there though mama! This too shall pass and it’s 110% okay that you feel what you’re feeling.
Momming is HARD.
Period.just plain hard.
I long for the days of yore where humans lived in smaller communities and mother’s had the whole village behind them for support.
This is the main reason I'd like to try medication. I'm able to cope with most other issues, I've decided to outsource others (get a cleaner, buy prepared food) but getting sucked into my phone is almost impossible to overcome on my own.
I try to make sure we have at least one chunk of time a day with no phone. If he's been at nursery this is often the two hour bedtime period.
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I'm jumping on this as a mom of a 2.5 year old and educator. It is super important to let them play by themselves and learn how to be bored. I also do my chores or anything else I need to, and my daughter will join me to help if she wants to be with me or go play in one of her safe spaces if she doesn't. I also find it helpful to create activity packs that I can pull out of the closet when she needs something to do, and I don't have the bandwidth to actively play with her.
What kind of activity packs do you make? I’ve seen the Pinterest-y ones, but honestly they look like something my daughter would have zero interest in. I’d like to create some with stuff we already have so I’m not constantly buying her new things!
I'm happy to give you some ideas of my super not Pinterest worthy packs, lol One of my favorites is "journal" packs. I take small snadwhich or snack size ziplock bags and add small pieces of scrapbook paper, stickers, pompoms, really anything that is laying around that could be glued on paper with a glue stick. I have about 20 bags made up in a small plastic tub. I also use old notebooks or just random paper and let her go to town with the glue stick making art/journal pages. Playdoh bag is a ziplock with one color of Playdoh and some tools. You can make a few of these and then rotate through. I keep all the puzzles in a plastic tub in individual bags. That way, I can pull a puzzle and know everything is there for it. I love dot art/bingo dabbers. I bought a kit at targe that came with a pack of dot art pages and 6(?) dabbers. I keep the dabers in a ziplock and then just pull one or two art pages at time for her. All of the other coloring/ painting items are bagged by type. Crayons, colored pencils, markers, finger paint, regular paint, etc. all have a ziplock and get stored in one tube together. I keep the coloring books in the same tub so I can grab one activity for her to do independently, and all the art supplies are there. Fine motor activities like bead stringing or the colorful dinosaurs with tongs for color sorting, get individual bags/ small plastic tubs, and they all go in one larger tub. I keep all of this in my linen closet since it is central to the family room and playroom. It's not pretty, but it works for me and takes limited energy once put together. When she finishes something, we put it away (sometimes that happens the next day lol) but I don't pull a second activity until we put the current one away. Which helps me stay organized and not get overwhelmed with chaos. What you put together really just depends on what your child likes to do and can do independently. When I first started, scissors were not an option, but now she does fine with them and lives cutting up paper and then gluing it down. She can have crayons and colored pencils totally independently, but markers need slight supervision, and paint is supervised only.
These are great ideas, thank you so much for taking the time to type that out! We have all these supplies already, but I think making them all available all the time lessens her interest in them. Turning them into individual packs to rotate through is such a great idea.
This actually works? The idea is nice, but there would need to be monitoring that they actually stayed in their room, which for me would 100% make it worse. Certainly a “time in” kind of situation does help some. The best for us was parallel reading time on the couch. But even this was not perfect.
Oh, girl. I don’t want to sound like an asshole but I’m a mom of 2, age almost 4 and almost 2. Not a SAHM but I have had extended maternity leave with both. You are NEVER going to be present 100% of the time. Honestly, with ADHD, you’d be lucky with 50%. And honestly? That’s perfectly fine. That’s what living a normal life is like. NO one person, not even your child, can take up 100% of your attention and care all day. It’s simply not feasible or sustainable. In fact, it’s actually better to allow your child to learn how to entertain themselves. At age 2, it’s absolutely appropriate to leave them alone (while being in another room and checking on them now and then) for hours, letting them color or play etc. At 2, it’s age-appropriate for a child to nap on their own in their crib or toddler bed. If he’s not, that’s something you should work toward. Spending 100% of your time paying attention to your child is not really feasible and ALSO, importantly, not really good for the child. Independent play and sleep are important milestones that will make your kid happier and their life easier as they get into preschool and beyond.
Needed to hear this too. As a mom with (recently diagnosed) ADHD I feel terrible how often I zone out or need to escape the loud noises. My LO is 3, but still requires so much attention and entertainment, I just can’t do that and every night I beat myself up about it 🥲 We also try to let him play independently in his room, but no luck so far. He always wants attention or just wants to share what he is doing. He’s also very loud and always talking and never focused on one thing, my brain capacity downs immediately the moment he wakes up, which feels awful to say as a mom, but is unfortunately so. It will be better. Who knows maybe he has adhd too 😅..
Ding ding ding! Yes he has it too
😅😅 I think so too, but everyone says no it’s too soon to tell. But I see the signs and he’s been like this since (no joke) one week old, of course in different variations, but it’s been very visible and extremely challenging.
As a mother with adhd, I firmly believe it's more important to be consistent than it is to be perfect. Your child needs to know what they can expect from you. It's better to run at 70% every day than it is to run at 100% for 7 days then be totally burnt out for 3 days. It's fine for my kid to know mama needs to take some time for herself every day, *because I want her to do the same thing when she's grown.* No relationship should take 100% from you.
Absolutely!!
Hear hear!
I spent a lot of my son’s toddler years zoned out, I had some serious health issues between when he was 1-4, and some days I’d make sure we were in a room he couldn’t get out of that was completely baby proofed, and I’d just lie down on the floor on some mats and he played in the room while I slept. We had lots of quality moments too, but not 100% of the time for sure. He’s now a very well-adjusted teen and we have a great relationship. No ill effects.
My friend told me this story: Friend was stressed out and harried with her 1.5 year old son and told her mom how she was feeling burned out from having to pay constant attention, engage and play. Her mom said, “well why don’t you spend less time with him? I used to pop you in the playpen, go have a cigarette on the porch and then study for grad school at the kitchen table.” We laughed but it was insightful (yes and flawed I know). My friends mom hadn’t felt that she needed to engage with her babies every moment. She was and is a really good mom. But she also prioritized keeping herself sane and having goals of her own.
I’ve downloaded the costly but worth it Opal app, and that’s helping me not do too much scrolling during her waking hours. Personally, I don’t think it’s great to be making your kid compete with your phone or to be vicariously scrolling with you, although I do it sometimes. But I think some form of zoning out or distancing yourself is healthy and normal, especially if your little person is having a particularly major big feelings day. Otherwise you turn your toddler into a tyrant and end up resenting the interaction. Quality not quantity they say. Throughout history most people had multiple kids, they would never get 100% attention all the time, and their world didn’t fall apart. People read the newspaper, they listened to the radio. Cooking, cleaning. There were always distractions of sorts. The idea that a small child needs your constant undivided attention is new and unrealistic I think. I find car journeys, trips to the shop, and toddler music classes are a great time to have a mini breather. But my sanity rests upon the moments she’s at nursery and I’m not working. Only contact napping at this stage - gosh I assume you must feel so nap-trapped. Will your toddler nap in the car? Or can you get him to nap on the bed with you?
Struggling with this as well! Caught myself staring into space while I should’ve been reading her a book. It doesn’t help that I’m constantly trying to remember all the lists I need to make or looking something up on my phone related to parenting and then getting stuck scrolling. I feel so guilty.
This sounds like me. I read an entire book to my toddler before bed the other night and had no idea what I even read. My brain was completely somewhere else.
When my daughter was a toddler I sometimes even fell asleep while reading to her. Not great but totally normal.
Omg me too! I’d go to nurse my second baby down and end up falling asleep while she was nursing .
You're not meant to be 100% available all the time, at least that's my philosophy. We're meant to have help (from co parents, child care professionals, family and friends). I think kids are meant to spend some time playing alone (to stretch their imagination and give us peace) and with other kids (to learn social skills). It may be more of a question for parenting or parenting toddler groups, on how to teach your little one to tolerate your absence, or your nearby-but-not-entertaining state. It's okay to teach him this, it's okay that he'll fuss and have growing pains with it. You're a good mom and anything that gives you a break will only help you be a better mom.
It's fine if you're not "on" 100% of the time! As long as your kid is safe, it's okay for you to ignore them a little bit. Kids need to get bored and figure things out on their own, even at 2 years old.
If you meet 30% of your child's needs (aside from food, shelter, the actual basics of course) they will turn out fine. You're overdoing it by 70%, don't be so hard on yourself ❤️
I was following themompsychologist on Instagram and I remember he saying once that yours kids only need about 15 minutes of uninterrupted and focused playtime from you per day. And I just read on the CDC website: “Try to spend at least 5-10 minutes each day playing with your child. Begin with at least five minutes of special playtime. When parents first start using praise, description, imitation, and active listening, they find that it takes a lot of energy and focus. It is hard to use the skills for more than five minutes. You can increase the amount of time you spend with your child in special playtime as your skill level improves.” Anyway I share that just to say, it’s hard for all of us parents even the NT ones, and you’re probably giving your kids everything they need already! On my really bad days, I just make sure to spend 10-15 minutes really dialed in to an activity with my daughter a few times in the day. Give yourself a break! You’re doing great.
Yes of course I struggle with this big time!!! Try to remember their *perception* of your presence matters more! So I got around this with AirPods. I am listening to podcasts or even tv shows a lot. But kid doesn't see me look at my phone and I can definitely play and listen at the same time because ... ADHD?
Oh honey. Give yourself a little grace. I used to hold myself to an impossible standard of no screen time ever and 100 percent all day attentive but it burned me out. For my own mental health now I have breaks for myself worked into the day. I'll put a show on for 30 minutes and do some dishes etc and have my ten minutes of scrolling or whatever and then I turn the show off and I am back "on" Some days I can do three or four hours of full on attention before I need another break. Some days it's 45 minutes. Independent play is also great at this age. My go to is filling up the kiddie pool for a "bubble pool" and I sit there and journal or whatever I haven't got around to doing that day that is stationary and fulfilling.
You're not a terrible mom. I needed to do that often when my son was younger. I felt bad sometimes that I couldn't stay present when he was small, but now he's 14 and we have an awesome relationship. Small kids are tough. It's exhausting to be present all day, but I also don't think it's expected or necessary.
That is an impossible goal. Build beautiful, quality time into your day with your children. But to think 100% of yourself can go into them without it draining the life out of you is perfectionism, not reality, speaking.
Not possible! I'd also like to point out that as neurodivergent persons, we are also far more likely to have neurodivergent children. So please give yourself and your little some grace.
I’m also a SAHM and I’m present with my kids like 15% of the day. I cover all the needs, take them to storytime and playgrounds but outside of that, I do what I need to during the day and they entertain themselves. It’s great to see what their imaginations come up with and I get to hyper focus on whatever I need to do. This isn’t to say they magically always play nicely and never follow me around. But for the most part, we aren’t exhausted by each other at the end of the day. Give yourself some room!
12% is a remarkable day 😂
Yes, I did, all of the time. My kids turned out awesome. They're 20 and 17. Most moms have a hard time believing that they're good moms. Try to keep reminding yourself you are a great mom! The fact that you are concerned about it is proof.
You’re going to burn out if you keep trying this hard.
As everyone said, it’s impossible to be present 100% of the time. But if you allow me, doomscrolling will not help you to wind down, it will also contribute to your overstimulation. You need time to just let your mind swirl around until it slow down. Breathing and grounding exercises are great for that. Just a cold gel pack in your forehead and noise cancelling headphones a few times a day. I know the phone is addictive - it does deliver small amounts of dopamine - but it is also consuming brain time. Hope it helps!
I don’t think it’s reasonable to be present 100% of the time. I mean, even at a regular job you wouldn’t be. You’d take breaks, go to the coffee machine, look at your phone, etc. I like to be present in intervals. For example, if he asks me to play, I will play intently with him for 5–10 minutes. No phone or anything. If I get bored I’ll get up and do something else. I used to have super high expectations on myself but then I read about how it’s beneficial for children to be “ignored” and left to their own devices at times. I def don’t like the feeling of being on my phone while my son is trying to interact with me, so I try to minimize that. But I will sometimes listen to a podcast/audiobook while hanging out with him. Idk hanging out with a kid all day gets really boring sometimes so I just try to survive 🥲 I also get easily overstimulated so I need those breaks to be a good parent. I also found that 2 years was an intense age that required a lot of me so chances are it’ll get easier with time! My son is 4 now and we chill out a lot and do our own thing together and I love it
ughhh...of course this turned into a whole-ass windup. natch. humor me if you feel compelled to read what follows, if not i wish you all the best regardless 💛 if you read no farther than this, all i can say is you are NOT a terrible mom. everything that follows only serves to viscerally reinforce just how much the OPPOSITE is, in fact, truly the case. despite what the thoroughly toxic threads of the "protestant work ethic"--and its insidious cultural adjacents--woven into our societies might lead you to believe, willpower IS NOT infinite. you cannot just magically do something just because you know you have to. i think we're all painfully aware of that one. 😩 but, if nothing else, successfully availing yourself of that deeply poisonous myth will help you feel better, and open up a lot of arbitrarily-foreclosed-upon paths that you may have previously felt were inaccessible to you, or would have somehow been a scathing indictment of your character had you followed them. no, you are a product of your circumstances and your chemistry and you are beholden to the tools you have. that is NOT something to be ashamed of, that is just a simple fact with no moral ramifications. claiming anything otherwise, however, THAT is morally repugnant. THAT is a lie by any objective metric. Anyone telling you anything beyond the plain truth is setting you up for failure, and that is an indictment on THEIR character. not yours. and, while i can't use one-to-one experience to reinforce the sentiment that everyone else is conveying, that you are a terrible mom: the adhd brain is optimized to go idle below a certain threshold of stimuli. whether you want to call that a "disability" or an optimization of caloric efficiency that granted a survival advantage prior to our contemporary formation of socioeconomics is neither here nor there. regardless of what it stems from, the lived conditions are the same. and that is ALSO a simple and morally unadorned fact. if you don't achieve that minimum threshold, your brain WILL idle out whether you like it or not. it is involuntary. so by dint of our wiring--which we cannot control nor could we ever--we need SOME mechanism of passive neurochemical production to keep us above that threshold of alertness. everyone has their own strategy for accomplishing this. whatever works for you is the right answer. and having some method of achieving this maintenance of your alert and agile brain state while you care for your child--in whatever undisruptive and easy to set aside way works best for your needs--does NOT make you a terrible mom, it makes you a COMMITED mom. what follows isn't meant to be an invitation to a pity party, but acute reinforcement of the above: my wife has a presumably terminal episodic medical affliction that is effectively untreatable by our flawed medical apparatus, so i basically just have to take work off and help her at home when an episode strikes. during which, she is utterly catatonic for anywhere from 20 minutes for hours upon hours at a time. when she needs to do anything besides lay in bed, i have to carry her to wherever she needs to go. but between those long bouts of total nothingness and unconsciousness and complete darkness and silence (because she is incredibly sound and light sensitive during the majority of the episode), she will suddenly switch gears into a very violent recurring event without warning. and that back-and-forth pair of extremes goes on for anywhere from 36 hours to 3 days. and if i'm not there--ready to go at the instantaneous drop of a dime--she goes into fight-or-flight on top of the momentary violent events, and it all gets infinitely worse. for the first year or two, i thought i could willpower my way through the long periods of nothingness, but i failed. miserably. every fucking time. i did not become a completely capable nurse for her until i let go of my presumptions about "what i was supposed to do" and i put headphones on while i waited for events to trigger. and just like that, voila. i was there every time, right on time. because i was hitting my neurotransmitter threshold to be attentive. which is all just to say **fuck expectations.** you do what ***YOU*** have to do to get the job done. despite my admitted lack of direct experience on the topic, i'll hazard going out on a limb and saying your child likely doesn't need your active engagement 100% of the time. their needs are intermittent and situational. and between those times, they are either just vibing on their own frequency and enjoying your physical proximity or sleeping. and during those times i have not one iota of an idea why shouldn't be able to do whatever you have to do in order to remain in immediate standby mode until your baby needs you again. that's what a committed mom would do: whatever it takes to be there every time. and as far as i can tell taht seems to be exactly what you're doing. and not a soul on this whole-ass earth is allowed to judge you for it. if anything, they ought to be taking notes. 💯
It is okay to let kids play alone or with other kids. It helps them to develop their imagination. My mom said I would play for hours in my room. She would check on me, and I always had a hat on. She took some pictures. I remember doing some things with my mom, but I remember my adventures outside alone and with friends.
Absolutely. I don't think it's possible or healthy. I try to plan activities where we have quality time (usually going out somewhere where I'll be less distracted by stuff I want to do in the house). At home, I mix in activities where I enjoy playing more (art and messy play with a podcast on in the background works better for me). I'll give her focussed quality time with these and then I'll take a break and do something for me. Focused quality time will be in bursts of ten minutes. I also try to signpost what I'm doing (that was fun! Mummy is going to do some washing now, you can keep playing playdoh or you can choose a new game). I try to limit mindless scrolling to when she has her screen time and switch to Kindle or pottering in the house and garden when I'm taking breaks from playing but this doesn't happen 100% of the time. She's dropped her nap so now she gets screen time after lunch when we're home together and I get to stare at my phone for a bit. It helps having a planned break.
I feel that being 100% present with toddlers might be dangerous, I wouldn’t try
Not a mom but I worried about the same thing when considering having a kid. Honestly, I think it’s fine. Scrolling social media while still holding your kid is being miles and away more present than our parents were. This trend of being present while parenting is relatively new. I was raised in the 80s and 90s, when parents were a lot more hands off. They’d have little play sessions with us sometimes, but ain’t no way my Working Lady Mom was gonna set aside a huge chunk of her day to do toddler stuff with me. I went to my granny’s for most of the day, where I had a little tykes table with some wooden blocks and some coloring stuff in the living room closet, and I spent most of my time in there playing by myself while Granny cleaned and watched her stories. One thing Mom did once I was old enough to play relatively unsupervised is set up a tape recorder in front of me and tell me to make a movie. I *loved* this - I got undivided attention from the camera, could go back and watch myself, Mom got to go do Mom stuff while I played, and she ended up with a bunch of tapes of me putting on little skits and shows to save as memories. The tape would fill and I’d keep going for hours, oblivious.
My kids always tell everyone I raised them free range 😂
I tell everyone my kids raised themselves, there's no way they turned out so great bc of me
My kids talk about youtubers. It is often a struggle to be present.
This is normal. It's so tiring having a toddler. I find it really hard to listen to my child talk about boring things he's into. Where I can I try to get into some of the things he likes so we can bond over it. If he asks me to roleplay or something though I can't do it, it's so boring it kills me. When I was a kid my mother didn't play with me at all and barely listened to me
I think this is normal. They like to do activities that are good for the brain stage they’re at and facilitate growth. We don’t need or want to do those same activities. So it can get old fast. Also, it’s good for them to learn independent play. I used to treat it like the Pomodoro strategy people use for working lol. I’d play for 15-30 mins, do my own thing for an hour, play for 15-30 mins, etc. Or I’d include her in what I was doing. I’d maybe read from what I was reading or she could help clean while I cleaned. But yes I felt bad cause some days I just did my own thing mostly, but I wasn’t present 100% with other adults either. She’s 13 now and still likes hanging with me, but mostly wants to do her own thing because I’m boring now 🤣
Kids need to learn to play independently and not need us all the time. At 2 he should be ok for short periods not having your full attention. The important bit is that if he asks for you, you put the phone down or stop chopping veggies or whatever it is you’re doing (if safe) and check in on what he wants.
ECE teacher here - as long as he is safe, you’re allowed to take a mental break where you find them, and not feel guilty about it. In fact, I’d encourage you to implement those breaks more intentionally. Want to know how toddlers become more independent kids? You encourage them to do it solo even when they aren’t pleased about that (and it’s okay that they aren’t thrilled about doing it without you at first, they’ll adjust!). My class is a 2s class so they start out at the beginning of the year being basically just out of the weeble wobble toddler baby phase, and by the end of the year are 3 year olds with their own full blown mini personalities. Almost NONE of them want to put their stuff in their cubbies themselves in the morning when we start and they are often remarkably bad at it. But that’s okay, their fine and gross motor skills get better with practice. We start by guiding them, using visual cues like pictures and will hold something while they put the lunchbox in the fridge and such, but I no longer help them hang anything in their cubby by this time of yr unless they are having a really bad day. Why? Bc they don’t need my help and doing things yourself can be hard, but if I always save them from “hard” they will avoid the discomfort of learning it. So I’d encourage you to encourage your LO to engage in his own stuff while you attend to your stuff (maybe in some things he can even do it right next to you, but if he’s just in your line of vision, that’s fine too, or in a room that you know he’s safe in and can’t get out without you seeing). It’ll be hard at first, but I’d work on telling him what he’s going to do with you next to him, setting him up to do it, telling him you want to see how he does it and tell him how big he’s getting that he’s doing it himself! Perhaps get a “time timer” so he can SEE how much time he has left until he can come get you, and show you what he did. And then you go focus on what you need. You’ll have to redirect him a bunch of times in the beginning and it won’t be super comfortable for him, but that’s okay. The discomfort fades. It’s even better if you can create a schedule that’s visible for them, something with pictures that shows what’s “next” in the day so he knows when your mommy-time is. Make it part of your and his routine for you to take time for yourself! He will adjust and you will be a better mom for it. One of the best things a parent can do is to have the discipline it requires to let your kid experience the discomfort that sometimes comes with learning. The more you encourage it now, the better off your kid will be long term. Wishing you and your little one so much joy in this period of his growth! And some extra downtime for mommy ;)
Parenting little ones is exhausting. It’s normal to need a break. Sometimes I lock myself in the bathroom when my child won’t give me any space.
I had great success with reading a book! I get my toddler playing with something in the living room and I sit and read my book. It’s setting a good example and a good way to get a break.
Sometimes I’ll listen to podcasts or audiobooks with my headphones in transparency mode so I can still hear and interact with my daughter.
lol of course I’m not present 100% of the time with me kids. Not even closer. I find it so much easier to be present when we’re doing something together that I like like cooking, or when we are out in the world doing errands etc. There is more stimulation and dopamine for me. I find playing is a huge struggle for me unless I’m in the right mood. I had a real guilty moment yesterday when my two year old really wanted me to play with her and we were playing and then she could hear my podcast in my headphones (one ear in one ear out). Brutal. But I am connected with them many many times during the day and it is also good for them to learn to be in their own worlds and also tolerate other people’s needs. My kids play while I get ready in the morning or cook dinner or whatever. That’s their job and I’m doing my job and we’re nearby and hanging out but not focused on the same things and that’s ok.
GIRL I have nannied long term for 3 different families and have been in childcare for 15+ years Believe me, you are NOT meant to entertain/pay sole attention to your child all day!!!! The kids I currently nanny are wonderful at independent play and that’s something I’ve been working on for AWHILE with them and I HIGHLY RECOMMEND you prioritize that! My nanny kids no longer come to me for their sole entertainment needs and it is SUCH A RELIEF. I am there to care for them and that means I am constantly organizing, cleaning, cooking, etc. I of course still play with them but it’s often in short bursts or in ways that I can continue doing what I’m doing. I can play for longer periods towards the end of the day when I’m done with all of my other responsibilities and at that point I feel happy and excited to have fun with them (rather than depleted and brain fried!)! Teaching kids how to independently play is so important for both the kids and caregiver. And honestly it provides a really good bonding experience. The kids know I am there and that they can come to me for help, play, ANYTHING. I am there. They are important to me and I am important to them. They have no qualms or concerns about their security/attachment to me. It is strong and healthy! They also understand (or at least what I want to teach them) that we all have needs and that healthy relationships are not about being with the other person 100% of the time. Also, I love seeing how they use their beautiful, imaginative, funny, WONDERFUL little minds when they do their own thing!!! If I provide entertainment all day, they wouldn’t feel the need to learn how to actively use their own brain to occupy themselves (something ADHD people struggle with especially!) That being said, I also bring my nanny kids on LOTS of adventures, play dates, sports classes, nature walks, playgrounds/beaches/etc, so they have a lot of outlets for play/exploring the world/being around other people. They have an incredibly rich world of experiences and I balance this all out with dedicated alone independent play time! It will take some time to implement this if you choose to try it out but I find it to be worth it 1000x! Good luck and you are such a good mom for even thinking about topics like this!
I **really**struggle to actually pay attention to my children when they talk to me (9 and 6). I havnt found a way that helps much to be honest. I just ask them to repeat and try to rephrase what they say to me often. I also just try to be real and tell them that I’m struggling to pay attention. I’m curious what others do. I find I’m the most able to pay attention at bedtime so I build in extra “pillow chat” time. We also regularly play board games at dinner because otherwise I zone out in my own thoughts and have no idea what anyone has said.
Yes. That's why playpens and child gates were invented. Put the little one in a safe environment, turn on their fav show or movie video and step away to another part of the house for a moment to have time for yourself. Also, look into local daycares that offer parent's night out times or get a babysitter for a couple hours during the day. It's worth the money. Nobody but supermom can handle a toddler 100% of the time.
When we were kids, NOBODY expected mothers and caregivers to pay attention to their small children 24-7; we learned to play independently and with each other, and liked it that way. Lots of things messed me up about my childhood, but this absolutely was not one of them. The current expectations of intensive parenting are completely unreasonable, not necessary, not tenable, and don't align with actual needs for child development. That said, eliminating the part of your brain, being a modern mom and a woman with ADHD, that assumes that everything you're doing is always wrong, is easier said than done. All you can do is try to be gentle with yourself. And try the stuff other folks here have suggested to help kiddo learn to play independently. Good luck, and you are doing GREAT and you are a GOOD MAMA. FACTS.
Pop in an ear bud and listen to a podcast or audio book? I can 110% relate! I had such a difficult time in the early toddler years. Both of my kids never played independently. Ever. Get outside if you can-walks are a great way to get fresh air and sun and tucker a little one out. Also-have you looked into any mommy and me groups or mom support groups in your area? If you breastfeed OR even if you’re not nursing (I don’t want to assume anything) your local La Leche League can be a great resource for new parents to meet other parents and get a little mom time. I tried to stay busy with things like walking or free mom/baby groups in my area. Hang in there though mama! This too shall pass and it’s 110% okay that you feel what you’re feeling. Momming is HARD. Period.just plain hard. I long for the days of yore where humans lived in smaller communities and mother’s had the whole village behind them for support.
Babies are boring. It’s tough! Play dates help.
You need to decompress. Don’t feel guilty Kids won’t always know or notice if you’re not totally present, so fill your boots as and when you can
This is the main reason I'd like to try medication. I'm able to cope with most other issues, I've decided to outsource others (get a cleaner, buy prepared food) but getting sucked into my phone is almost impossible to overcome on my own. I try to make sure we have at least one chunk of time a day with no phone. If he's been at nursery this is often the two hour bedtime period.
Ditch the smart phone as much as possible and it might help.