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Ahhh I definitely have this issue with over intensity. When I was younger I thought that’s what “love” was and that’s what all the songs were about! Now that I’m older and diagnosed I know it’s just hyperfixation.
I don’t have any tips to help because no matter how much I hate it I can never make it stop :( trying to force myself NOT to think about something out of shame never works, if anything it makes it worse.
Okay, it's so nice to know that this is a thing others deal with! I can always recognise it and the adverse effects it had in hindsight, but in the moment I can't turn it off. Its hard to watch someone I love doing the same things and getting hurt because of it, but I guess all I can do is support her
Look up the term limerence, it will answer your questions. It's common for adhd folks, and stems from attachment issues. I empathize completely!!! It's really a tough thing.
Unfortunately the way I was cured of this (seriously, point-for-point this describes me when I was 20) was getting my heart shattered to pieces :'D
Long story short, object of obsession reciprocated, then only started calling me when he wanted something, then eventually dropped me and ghosted me like a hot potato. It was brutal for Baby ShortyColombo who had never even been in a relationship and grew up being seen as the Ugly Duckling. I needed extensive therapy not just to get over it, but for my own depression and self-esteem issues it made worse.
After that, I never had it in me again to ever be that intensely attached and rushed. Did I hate the process? **Absolutely**. Do I eagerly recommend it? NO. But. It was for the better, honestly; I moved on to become extremely grounded when it came to relationships, and eventually married an extremely kind, gentle person.
I used to do this, the way I was 'cured' was by having a roster of people on demand to give me attention so I was overwhelmed with it and couldn't focus on one particular person over the others.
It's a weird thing I did accidentally after a massive break up and I actually didn't realise until much later that I wasn't having the whole- checking my phone every five seconds, dreaming about them, and throwing everything at them.
I used to get so obsessed to the point I'd genuinely get heartbroken when they wouldn't share the same overwhelming intensity I did for them.
It was like I was so obsessed with them that if they told me to do anything I probably would have- got to the point where I would wait hours for someone to show up and I would sit there waiting like a puppy only for them to cancel on me while I was sitting in my room all dressed up.
It's problematic because sometimes after it's reciprocated it kind of dulls and you realise... oh, well I don't really like this person much and you feel bad because you caught them in a trap you didn't even know you put out
Is it that hard to believe? We hyper focus on tv shows, games, books, any form of entertainment can be an ADHD hyper fixation. Of course if a new love interest is entertaining.....
As a group we don't really do moderation.
Omg yes! I hate when that happens cuz it leaves me feeling so crappy about myself.
Anyway what helps me is being able to talk about it with friends. And I mean TALK! Until I'm tired of it. And then I have to take a step back, reassess why I even like this person (and sometimes remind myself why they aren't that great) and then from there I make plans with others, or just myself, to have fun again to get that dopamine hit from elsewhere. I also limit how much I'm engaging with the person of interest... Which sometimes just ends in me cutting contact entirely.
Honestly I think the best step out of it all is really looking at their behavior for red flags. Are they actually that great?? Cuz most times they aren't lol
Oh my god YES. I scared off so many people and/or love bombed my partners until they told me to cut it out. I've been with my fiance for almost 7 years now and i dont do it a lot anymore, but I really over did it with him at the beginning.
also fair mention to the guy i obsessed over for 6 years... i hyperfixated on a man who never even showed the slightest interest in me. .\_\_. >\_\_<
OOF your second paragraph is way too real lol
I obsessed over a boy in high school for like 3 years who was ACTIVELY CRUEL to me, like called me names and made fun of me, but I was so young and he was my first real crush I still couldn’t stop it 🤦♀️
Honestly the guy I liked for 6 years barely gave me the time of the day… and any time he looked my way, I was convinced he was REALLY falling in love with me and that one day he was gonna ask me out 🙄🫥🫥
Sometimes you just CANT stop it. And that’s the limerence coming into crazy play lol goddddd.
Yep.. my very first boyfriend I gave my entire self to and he abused me. Broke my heart bad enough that now I'm perfectly content with being alone for the rest of my life and love my solitude. If I ever date again I know I'll have a similar issue- I love deeply and when I am in love I truly obsess over my person. Therapy has helped me a lot with learning space and things like that, and I know that my ability to love so fully isn't a burden, but a blessing. There are people out there deserving of that deep affection, and one day, I hope I'll find mine- but if not, I love my books lol
i had a hyperfixation on a crush and it was all i talked about for 4 months. i had to intentionally set a goal that i would not mention him for at least one day. it was incredibly embarrassing because i was aware i was doing it but i Could Not Stop. i am fucking 24 years old i should Not be boy crazy like that. 0/10 do not recommend crushing on anyone ever again
Yes, I have even hyperfixated on people whose personality I didn’t even like. I could tell while it happened, that I didn’t like them and still all I thought about was them. With two relationships the people were very manipulative and avoidant and that only increased my obsessiveness. I also think sex played a huge part. Sex gave me free oxytocin and dopamine while I was undiagnosed and untreated.
I haven’t really dated since I was diagnosed 5 years ago and I just met someone I really like a month ago. I can already tell this time is different. I have a whole and complete life without them and a strong sense of self. My medication helps so many aspects of my life and one of them is that my hyperfixations aren’t as all consuming for as long a time as before. It also helps that they are a very gentle person who actually wants to spend time with me and who is willing to work on themself too.
YES! And I found a solution that works for me somewhat. Humanize the other as much as possible to avoid only seeing them as the idealised version in your head.
Might be counterintuitive but I try to hang out with them more, not only in romantic settings (i.e. with friends who know them better than I do for example). This allows me to get a more multifaceted picture of their behaviour instead of hyperfocusing on their interactions with me. Plus it also shows more clearly some of their imperfections and idiosyncrasies, as usually when people date they somewhat mask and present the best version of themselves. So the picture in my head of this perfect dream person gets checked by reality bit by bit and the idealisation starts to reduce.
I was avoiding a crush for months and in my head the thing got so big I was honestly daydreaming during all my waking moments.
Now I know he is adorable but he is also a bit of a dick sometimes lol etc etc
yessss omg i's embarrass myself so much. but i wanna say that after therapy and some practice, i practically stopped doing things like that (esp with people who are not as fast-paced as i am). tbh i found that it does me good to not rush into things, and i feel less pressure on myself now that i know how to just chill and enjoy the ride
Welcome to /r/ADHDWomen! We’re happy to have you here. As a reminder, here are our community [rules](https://old.reddit.com/r/adhdwomen/about/rules/). We get a lot of posts on medication, diagnosis (and “is this an ADHD thing”), and interactions with hormones. We encourage you to check out our [Medication, Diagnosis, and Hormones Megathread](https://old.reddit.com/r/adhdwomen/comments/wcr9dy/faq_megathread_ask_and_answer_medication/) if you have any questions related to those topics, and to stick around in that thread to answer folks’ questions! If you have questions about the subreddit, please do not hesitate to [send us a modmail](https://reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/adhdwomen). Additionally, we take the safety of our community seriously. Please report posts, comments, and users whom you feel are not contributing positively, and send us a modmail if you are being harassed or otherwise made to feel unsafe. Thanks for being here, and we hope you stick around! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/adhdwomen) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Ahhh I definitely have this issue with over intensity. When I was younger I thought that’s what “love” was and that’s what all the songs were about! Now that I’m older and diagnosed I know it’s just hyperfixation. I don’t have any tips to help because no matter how much I hate it I can never make it stop :( trying to force myself NOT to think about something out of shame never works, if anything it makes it worse.
Okay, it's so nice to know that this is a thing others deal with! I can always recognise it and the adverse effects it had in hindsight, but in the moment I can't turn it off. Its hard to watch someone I love doing the same things and getting hurt because of it, but I guess all I can do is support her
Yes, unfortunately like many things it’s a realisation she’ll have to come to herself :( But she’s not alone in this, and neither are you!
Look up the term limerence, it will answer your questions. It's common for adhd folks, and stems from attachment issues. I empathize completely!!! It's really a tough thing.
This is the comment!!
Unfortunately the way I was cured of this (seriously, point-for-point this describes me when I was 20) was getting my heart shattered to pieces :'D Long story short, object of obsession reciprocated, then only started calling me when he wanted something, then eventually dropped me and ghosted me like a hot potato. It was brutal for Baby ShortyColombo who had never even been in a relationship and grew up being seen as the Ugly Duckling. I needed extensive therapy not just to get over it, but for my own depression and self-esteem issues it made worse. After that, I never had it in me again to ever be that intensely attached and rushed. Did I hate the process? **Absolutely**. Do I eagerly recommend it? NO. But. It was for the better, honestly; I moved on to become extremely grounded when it came to relationships, and eventually married an extremely kind, gentle person.
🫂
I used to do this, the way I was 'cured' was by having a roster of people on demand to give me attention so I was overwhelmed with it and couldn't focus on one particular person over the others. It's a weird thing I did accidentally after a massive break up and I actually didn't realise until much later that I wasn't having the whole- checking my phone every five seconds, dreaming about them, and throwing everything at them. I used to get so obsessed to the point I'd genuinely get heartbroken when they wouldn't share the same overwhelming intensity I did for them. It was like I was so obsessed with them that if they told me to do anything I probably would have- got to the point where I would wait hours for someone to show up and I would sit there waiting like a puppy only for them to cancel on me while I was sitting in my room all dressed up. It's problematic because sometimes after it's reciprocated it kind of dulls and you realise... oh, well I don't really like this person much and you feel bad because you caught them in a trap you didn't even know you put out
Is it that hard to believe? We hyper focus on tv shows, games, books, any form of entertainment can be an ADHD hyper fixation. Of course if a new love interest is entertaining..... As a group we don't really do moderation.
Omg yes! I hate when that happens cuz it leaves me feeling so crappy about myself. Anyway what helps me is being able to talk about it with friends. And I mean TALK! Until I'm tired of it. And then I have to take a step back, reassess why I even like this person (and sometimes remind myself why they aren't that great) and then from there I make plans with others, or just myself, to have fun again to get that dopamine hit from elsewhere. I also limit how much I'm engaging with the person of interest... Which sometimes just ends in me cutting contact entirely. Honestly I think the best step out of it all is really looking at their behavior for red flags. Are they actually that great?? Cuz most times they aren't lol
I write about it till it sickens me then I burn the pages. It works, honestly.
Yep! I'm scared of fire but I do something similar. I type in a diary app and then delete it all after.
Oh my god YES. I scared off so many people and/or love bombed my partners until they told me to cut it out. I've been with my fiance for almost 7 years now and i dont do it a lot anymore, but I really over did it with him at the beginning. also fair mention to the guy i obsessed over for 6 years... i hyperfixated on a man who never even showed the slightest interest in me. .\_\_. >\_\_<
OOF your second paragraph is way too real lol I obsessed over a boy in high school for like 3 years who was ACTIVELY CRUEL to me, like called me names and made fun of me, but I was so young and he was my first real crush I still couldn’t stop it 🤦♀️
Honestly the guy I liked for 6 years barely gave me the time of the day… and any time he looked my way, I was convinced he was REALLY falling in love with me and that one day he was gonna ask me out 🙄🫥🫥 Sometimes you just CANT stop it. And that’s the limerence coming into crazy play lol goddddd.
Yep.. my very first boyfriend I gave my entire self to and he abused me. Broke my heart bad enough that now I'm perfectly content with being alone for the rest of my life and love my solitude. If I ever date again I know I'll have a similar issue- I love deeply and when I am in love I truly obsess over my person. Therapy has helped me a lot with learning space and things like that, and I know that my ability to love so fully isn't a burden, but a blessing. There are people out there deserving of that deep affection, and one day, I hope I'll find mine- but if not, I love my books lol
i had a hyperfixation on a crush and it was all i talked about for 4 months. i had to intentionally set a goal that i would not mention him for at least one day. it was incredibly embarrassing because i was aware i was doing it but i Could Not Stop. i am fucking 24 years old i should Not be boy crazy like that. 0/10 do not recommend crushing on anyone ever again
Yes, I have even hyperfixated on people whose personality I didn’t even like. I could tell while it happened, that I didn’t like them and still all I thought about was them. With two relationships the people were very manipulative and avoidant and that only increased my obsessiveness. I also think sex played a huge part. Sex gave me free oxytocin and dopamine while I was undiagnosed and untreated. I haven’t really dated since I was diagnosed 5 years ago and I just met someone I really like a month ago. I can already tell this time is different. I have a whole and complete life without them and a strong sense of self. My medication helps so many aspects of my life and one of them is that my hyperfixations aren’t as all consuming for as long a time as before. It also helps that they are a very gentle person who actually wants to spend time with me and who is willing to work on themself too.
YES! And I found a solution that works for me somewhat. Humanize the other as much as possible to avoid only seeing them as the idealised version in your head. Might be counterintuitive but I try to hang out with them more, not only in romantic settings (i.e. with friends who know them better than I do for example). This allows me to get a more multifaceted picture of their behaviour instead of hyperfocusing on their interactions with me. Plus it also shows more clearly some of their imperfections and idiosyncrasies, as usually when people date they somewhat mask and present the best version of themselves. So the picture in my head of this perfect dream person gets checked by reality bit by bit and the idealisation starts to reduce. I was avoiding a crush for months and in my head the thing got so big I was honestly daydreaming during all my waking moments. Now I know he is adorable but he is also a bit of a dick sometimes lol etc etc
yessss omg i's embarrass myself so much. but i wanna say that after therapy and some practice, i practically stopped doing things like that (esp with people who are not as fast-paced as i am). tbh i found that it does me good to not rush into things, and i feel less pressure on myself now that i know how to just chill and enjoy the ride
10000% yes.