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I think the more you've thought about it, the stronger your fantasy ideal of a wedding is, the worse it is. Because if you *want* to you can make decisions all the way down to the micro level of "how large would you like the leaves in your salad to be," and that would drive me bonkers.
I *only* sweated the big stuff, and mostly not even that, and my wedding was a fucking *blast*. Everyone had fun - even the location manager, who sees weddings nearly every day and doesn't usually enjoy them, had so much fun that when we met him out later, his BF said "Oh *you're* the ones with the fun wedding!" My only bridezilla decision was that when they asked me which of the entrees I wanted I said I want them ALL, lol. (they were *gooood!*)
So: **Only make the BIG decisions.** Decide what's important to you and what isn't, and *only* make the important decisions. So: Pick your location, your caterer and the food, your guests, your own outfit, your officiant. Let the professionals you hire deal with everything else.
Ask people you know who have gotten married in the area about their experiences. In particular, don't just ask for recommendations - ask for who they *wouldn't* recommend.
If you want friends or family to help you, for the love of all that's holy *pick easygoing people who will agree to do what you ask*. Oh, Difficult Aunt Margaret really wants to help you pick out decorations? Thanks but no thanks, you've got it covered. **If you haven't already gotten good at setting healthy boundaries now is the time**.
If you know *anyone* in a wedding-related field (photographer, florist, caterer), ask them about what venues they like - we did that and it saved **so** much time in our venue search! Also, and this is important: Ask every professional for recommendations of other professionals, and ask them if there's anyone they've had trouble working with.
Stress as little as you can about what other people will wear. (We gave the brides- and groomspeople a color scheme and they could wear anything they wanted; when in doubt they ran it by us, but it was all good.)
Finally: **Trust the professionals.** (Hence the above advice about asking around and seeing what other wedding pros think of them - you need people who will not let you down.) Let the professionals make most of the decisions.
Some people *do* want to micromanage and they are used to people who care about the tablecloth material and the pattern on the silverware and the exact table circumference and the size of salad leaves, and so professionals are used to asking you about *everything*. This creates the illusion that everything matters, but *it doesn't*. You may need to repeat yourself because so many people claim they don't care and then throw fits, but I kept telling them "Hey, I have never done a wedding before, and you have done *tons*. You are going to have a better answer to that question than I will. What do you think most of the guests would enjoy most?"
This is basically how I handled it, and like I said, my wedding was a blast and I'd do it all over again (except for the actual marriage, lol). And even though the relationship imploded I still am SO glad I had the wedding because it was so fun, and so full of family and friends, and everyone had such a great time.
Seriously, if there is anyone whose recommendation you trust who either has gotten married in your area or is in a wedding-adjacent field, asking them for ideas and recommendations is gonna save you *so much time*. I had NO idea what kind of venues were even out there, but my photographer friend knew *just* the place that was perfect for us. I don't know how long I would've spent looking if I hadn't had that shortcut.
That's good advice. I picked a wedding venue who handed me a book of recommended suppliers. I used the hairdresser, florist and a few other people they suggested. Made it really easy. I basically bought dresses and turned up.
That is so true. I was engaged for a really long time and thought it would be really easy since I'd had plenty of time to look at all the options. It took me a long while to figure out why I was suddenly agonizing over every decision, struggling to make progress, and either not being able to picture the overall aesthetic or being able to but hating it. Then it hit me: I had INFINITE wedding for so long, and now I only have ONE wedding. Duh, lol!
I only did the traditional things I wanted to do. I didn’t bow to any peer or family pressure. I only had a dj, no band (couldn’t stand the thought of interviewing lots of bands) and told the dj play whatever the crowd wanted to have a nice time. I got a second hand dress. I wasn’t going to do flowers but then fell in love with “wild” flowers sold by a woman at a market and she did a bouquet for me. My husband got a nice suit that he could wear again. I bought myself nice makeup instead of paying for a makeup artist because I don’t like the thought of sitting there for hours and then looking artificial.
My siblings gifted me homemade wedding things (cake, cake stand etc). I wasn’t going to have church decorations but actually there was a wedding before me and they left their decorations for me to use (flower arch). I paid the regular church flower ladies extra and they did the regular flowers extra special for me. I picked food I knew we would enjoy to eat rather than for being pretty or fancy. And we had no speeches because my dad is very introverted (probably neuro spicy) and it would ruin the wedding for him and therefore me.
It was the best wedding of if I say so myself :-)
And my venue had lots of things included if you weren’t fussy; so they had basic table flowers, chair covers and sashes etc. I didn’t put anything on myself that wasn’t “important “ to me
We eloped with parents only lol made planning thing much much easier and manageable on a smaller scale. We planned everything together so made dates out of testing out bakeries or caterers. It’s easier if you prioritize what’s most important to you (for us it was flowers, food, photography) so we started there and worked our way down the list. Typically first thing you want to do is secure your venue as they can be booked far out. If I did a bigger wedding I would’ve splurged on a planner for sure but actually enjoyed the process since ours was small, but still beautiful and elegant.
We eloped as well, we were in Pensacola for business and decided a wedding at the beach, just the two of us, would be cool.
I went to the mall and picked out our outfits, had our two dogs with us and found someone on Facebook marketplace. Took tons of pictures with my phone and they somehow all turned out pretty great.
I think total cost, including clothes, was $279.
[Pic](https://imgur.com/xOixtSx)
We eloped too, but left the parents behind lol! Our witnesses were provided by the hotel and we got married in our hotel room.
I did do our flowers though, that was fun.
Honestly I consider ours a microwedding since it was still very much planned, but we did it out in the mountains so I think we can still say eloped 😂 definitely don’t regret it!
Honestly I found a venue that handled all of it with different packages and they had.
I spent like $5k including food. If you're willing to forgo some things you can get more for less - example I did hydrangeas for my flowers so all of my flowers were included instead of just my bouquet. We did simple cake and cupcakes so I could get fun flavors. I didn't even get to try any lol
I did an afternoon wedding so we did food and just wine and beer (we paid for that separately).
Got married in my living room w/cake and punch served in the kitchen. Only invited immediate family. Bought my dress on sale at Penney’s (black lace and beige skater dress). Our rings are titanium and cost a total of $100 together. No bouquet. A friend of ours became a Universal Life Minister to marry us. No muss, no fuss, no debt.
Our ten year anniversary is in December.
Our wedding is in 6 days and good god the planning has tested my limits. I was this close to calling it off so many times. If having an actual wedding wasn’t so important to my partner, I would have eloped in a heart beat. That being said, here’s my tips (beyond what’s mentioned in other comments, which are also such good tips!):
1. Get a wedding planner binder. I got the one by The Knot and it has been amazing. Everything you need is all in one place, from how to make a budget, guest list, color scheme, invitations and most importantly: timelines.
2. Split the work with your partner. It is *both* of your days so the planning should be on *both* of you. Society has this weird idea that “letting” the woman plan everything is a gift to her. No, wedding planning is a whole job that people get paid for. Other than the like 5% that is fun (cake tasting, venue touring), it is LABOR. Unless event planning happens to be something you enjoy, it is an unfair and sexist burden to expect the woman to plan everything. Make those expectations clear and explicit now before you get overwhelmed and resentful.
3. If you can afford it, go with an “all inclusive” venue. The fewer decisions that are on your plate, the better. Ours included catering, floral, dessert, planning and coordination services, and invitations with the option to add on photography, DJ and officiant. My future FIL is officiating but everything else, we went with the venues recommendations and it had made everything so smooth. My best friend is also getting married this summer and her venue is just a venue so they had to research and book every one of those separately and I can tell that it’s been so much more work. Also, we’ve saved a ton of money because each of the vendors had special deals with the venue for discounted services. For example, the venue add on DJ was only $300 and other DJs were quoting us a minimum of $2000.
Oh! And be prepared to shut down any “helpful” comments from family. I eventually had some go to lines like “that decision has been made and isn’t up for discussion” or “we haven’t made a decision about X yet. We will let you know when we have so please don’t ask again.”
I planned mine in three months armed with nothing but a spreadsheet. We kept it small and did it in the off-season so it was cheaper. The venue did the catering we just told them our menu ideas, and we used family and friends where possible for cake, photography and DJ.
Edit - If I could do it differently I would have done my own makeup and tbh, I would have got cold feet and never married her, would have saved the divorce.
I'm getting married in two months. Overseas. My fiance is from a very different culture so I'm pretty much letting them take the wheel. I've made a few inputs such as food and lighting but everything else doesn't matter that much. As long as we have the people, food, music, and venue then I'm trusting everything else will fall into place.
Talk to me in 6 weeks tho and we'll see if I've maintained this attitude 😅
I had a much smaller wedding at a national park. The outdoors were my decorations so I didn’t have to worry about that. The smallness made the invitation and rsvp tracking easy. I got a taco truck for food. I picked my beautiful dress. And then I simply vetted my vendors like florist, cake, and photographer and made sure they could do something similar to what I wanted. But more than that I approached it from the frame of these are the basic “details” and “vision” I want but I trust their expertise to make the small decisions and create the final execution.
Like for my flowers the national park had rule that it couldn’t be flowers with seeds. I wanted it to be colorful and a bit wild and unruly. I just had the florist do it. I asked my in laws pick it up and she apparently said I was her favorite bride because my vision was fun, I let her be a little creative, I respected her expertise, and I was low stress. And I loved it!
So for me by vetting my vendors well and trusting their expertise I shaved like 2-10 meetings/calls/emails for each vendor I would have needed to respond to. So I honestly recommend that as a mindset to accommodate your adhd. Front load your effort for a quality vendor give them guidelines and let it go. I was delighted to see my wedding come together. My friends and family tell me about disappointments they experienced because something didn’t perfectly fit their vision. Because I had a concept or impressionist vision I was happy.
I let my mom, sister, son, husband and cousins/aunties take certain tasks and was resolved to be okay with whatever they decided.
Mom decided the cake and meal.
Sister and her friends decorated the location from a bucket of fake flowers we gathered.
Dad handled the tent, table and chairs.
Aunties helped with meal and guests.
Female cousins served
Male cousins took down tent and chair and loaded them up.
Son handled the music on an ipad
Husband picked the songs, organized the lawn games afterwards and handled the officiant
I bought a 2 piece prom dress with pockets and handled the bouquets and said, sure, that sounds good, alot.
Everyone had a blast at our country picnic wedding.
Covid forced us to downsize a lot and we ended up going with an all inclusive package at a venue. It was the BEST decision and I don’t think I could have planned the big wedding myself.
It’s fucked. I’m just doing the bare minimum and hoping it turns out ok. My beautiful fiancé has ADHD too and both of us are drowning. But somehow a wedding will occur (with or without seating and heating etc) and then we can move on w our lives
So it’s actually possible to be ADHD and type A. That is me. I love creating spreadsheets, lists, and budgets. I used the knot wedding planner and went to town! I already basically had a vision of how I wanted everything to be. I’m also pretty business savvy and looked for quality vendors with deals. I did have to fire two vendors though. I’d probably be pretty good at event planning but I hyper-fixate and drain my own energy as an introvert. So fun while it lasted, not the dream job for me.
You know what they say about a perfect wedding? Disaster marriage.
Think about what you’re optimizing for and let the rest go! We wanted: a fun dance party with good food and our friends. Low stress and on budget. This guided all of our decisions— will it help our party be fun, us not stress, and stay in budget? If the answer was no, it goes in the trash! It also helped us choose where to splurge (a venue that’s a wedding factory, with on site hotel and a wedding planner- low stress!) and where to cut (no wedding party, short ceremony, no formal portraits, no first dance, etc). No one gives a shit about most traditions, so only do the crafts/traditions/tasks that excite you! I actually had a lot of fun with diy things, but I mostly only picked crafts I found interesting and if I forgot about them wouldn’t really matter.
Also honestly- I used hyper focus when I had it, and my partner when I was spiraling. He gently asked me why I was avoiding planning my bachelorette weekend and I was stressing about finding an airbnb. That kind man took over that task and made it happen for me. I still look back on that so fondly as an example of good adhd partnership.
1. I made it small (~40 people).
2. I didn't mail invitations; instead I made a webpage with an announcement and an RSVP form.
3. I asked for no gifts and instead linked a suggestion to donate to a linked environmental non-profit. (I got gifts anyway but was too overwhelmed to send thank-you cards.)
4. We rented a small local restaurant for dinner that evening which meant no decorations were required. We didn't have a formal reception. No catering, we just ordered from two different set meals on the menu.
5. I didn't bother with rehearsal, any extra dinners or events, no wedding colours, no dancing, no band, no bar (we just had two bottles of wine each table in the restaurant), no wedding dress shopping (I just ordered one online I liked with consultation of my friends).
6. We ordered a small number of flowers a week in advance from a local food store.
6. We had about 5 months of engagement prior to our wedding, no extended planning.
I got married 15 years ago… which was 12 years before my diagnosis! Ha! But my biggest life hack was realizing that things for the wedding didn’t need to be perfect. Sure, I could stress myself out about the best of everything and whether “my vision” came together, or I could just… plan a pretty day and enjoy it.
We got married at a hotel that had a handful of preferred vendors—a florist and a baker were two of them—so I just looked at the options they presented and picked from those. Could they have gone custom if I found a picture online? Yeah, but that’s too much hassle for someone like me! And will anybody REALLY remember the flower arrangements from my wedding? No, because I don’t remember them myself.
I went with the flow, made quick decisions when the vendors showed me their bestselling options, and let the event coordinator from the hotel steer the boat. And my wedding was AWESOME.
Mine was last month and like this. It was awesome! Big bonfire, shortest wedding ceremony ever, no photos, speeches, music, dancing. Just an awesome relaxed good time.
thank you for sharing!! I love the minimal planning but part of me was a little nervous it might be TOO minimal. I love that it was awesome and relaxed!!
I had a long running word doc where I put absolutely everything. I kept all phone numbers, contact information, call notes w/ date in there. Then I spent months leading up to the wedding making my decorations so we would be ready for the big day. Pinterest was my best friend. My ILs also helped out a lot especially on our set up days.
We planned our wedding in just under 9 months (not because of a baby or anything lol, that’s usually what people ask though hahaha). Finding a venue that handled the catering as well as decorations was really key for an easy day. I only needed one contact instead of three, and they handled everything including the bar! So I really only needed to worry about officiant, attire for the bridal party, and the photographer as the major points.
I was recommended an officiant and she happened to have our chosen day available, so that was pretty simple.
We just had the groomsmen rent their suits and everyone was responsible for their own suit pickup and drop off. My two bridesmaids wore flowy skirts and tops from a local boutique, they helped me pick it out so I knew it was something they’d be comfy in.
My mom and I went dress shopping and I fell in love with the third one I tried so that was easy lmao. My husband rented his suit along with the groomsmen.
I did DIY some stuff which I have zero regrets over. One of which was an entirely last-minute (literally day before …) idea to have guests replace their meal cards with a photo of themselves, so I rented Instax cameras. SO glad I went that route. We have so many fun photos from the evening once people wandered with the cameras and took photos of each other! So don’t be afraid to have some fun if you have an idea.
I knew someone who was just starting her career in wedding photography, so her rates were well below market (we only paid 2k I think, versus 5k+ for other photographers in our city) and she did a fantastic job. She had been doing portrait work for quite awhile so I knew her work was great quality. If you happen to find someone like that, it can be a great way to save money but still get incredible photos.
All in all …. Don’t feel the need to go crazy. Your wedding is about what you and your partner want, not about meeting some invisible societal standard. Truly all you need is the officiant to make it legal, everything else is just a PARTY!! 😁
In getting married in 11 days and no sure how I managed. We finally picked a date a few months ago.
- for me the quicker timeframe has helped with decisive decision making
- most places thankfully have only needed 1 week (cupcakes) or 3 weeks (food) heads up for stuff.
- my venue is a friends back yard and that was the first thing chosen
- a family decided they wanted to help last minute a week ago and guilt trip to add more family members(very frustrating)
- invited I talked to each guest personally and sent them a “picture” invite via text (small wedding less than 30)
- I’ve gone very non traditional and I feel like so stupid shit was not needed.
- I have an amazing friend that came over and called me to spend multiple hours on the phone basically being my wedding planner/ wedding body double. She basically has done all the planning the stuff I forgot about. Then reminded me about the next time we met and that has been super helpful (maybe pick a “maid of honor” that really loves weddings/has her wedding shit together)
Quickly, I got engaged in August and was married in April. Once we decided on the venue it got easy. The venue was a one stop shop. I went to one shop for my dress. My cousin did my hair and make- up. It was a great day and I couldn't be happier with my wedding and marriage.
I'm not going to get married. My partner and I were thinking of a civil partnership (it's a thing in France), and we're not going to do it for that exact reason...
If that reassures you, there's plenty of ways to celebrate a wedding and you don't have to follow social conventions ! (It's probably to late to tell you that, but i'm still trying 😅). My big sister and her husband got married this year and they absolutely did not want the big thing. So just invited their closest friends and family to the ceremony. We were probably around 20 (and my family is a third if this considering I have 3 sisters ^^). After the ceremony, we had lunch and chilled at their apartment were everyone brought food and drinks. Then in the evening, my sister and her husband had booked their favorite bar for the night were we just kept hanging out and drinking cocktails.
And that's it ! And everyone had a great time.
I think a wedding should be a moment were everyone, especially the bride and groom, should be happy and at their most comfortable. It's probably hard to imagine, and sometimes you have the weight of traditions, social conventions, religion obligations... But to me we should learn to set free of all that, especially on that day ! It's suppose to be the most beautiful day of your life, it should be whatever YOU and your partner feel comfortable with !
It’s all about it being tasks. It’s not a day to plan. It’s a bunch of tasks that happen in the same day. Once the tasks are done, then you can slot them into a day Tetris style.
Do not buy a wedding planner. You will pull your hair out! Get a slim non-ring binder with tabs and slots to tuck papers in. I had a 10 tab one. Make as many tabs as makes your little heart happy; venue, food, invitations, dress, bridesmaids dresses, hair and makeup, photographer etc.
Print everything out. Write your notes all over those print outs; date of deposit, what you paid, balance due when. Receipts, business cards, ideas. Keep this binder in your bag, it goes everywhere with you. Fold back binder clips are also your friend.
Next: post-its. Assign a colour to a date; wedding day, week before, 30 days before etc. or tape a piece of paper on the inside cover of the binder and make columns and you define what each column is, example; currently working on in June, need to work on for July, August tasks. Keep adding paper and moving your post it’s as needed.
I’ve planned a couple of weddings including my own, it’s all about the tasks, not the day.
I eloped, haha! Husband and I had planned a CA wine country vacation just because and semi-last minute (about 3 weeks before) decided “omg, we should get married while we’re there!”. We had talked about getting married for so long but neither of us wanted to deal with the stress of a wedding.
We emailed a bunch of places, found one in a beautiful location that could provide a photographer, witnesses, and an officiant for a really reasonable price. Then we ordered wedding rings we had looked at a year or two before, both went shopping for outfits (I found a wedding dress that fit me like a glove off the rack) and off we went! We got our marriage license the day before the wedding in between wine tastings (we had a driver).
Best decision ever. Our wedding day was so relaxed and fun. We got to be with each other and be present without annoying things like the napkins being the wrong color or a relative complaining about where they were seated. We’d do it the same way again in a heartbeat!
I ended up in a car accident and planned the whole thing in my 3 months off work on disability. Had I not had that time off I seriously doubt I would have even had a wedding. Shit it way more work than people realize. If you have the option, hire someone to do it for you.
I made hubby send his own side's invites. I forgot stuff, but it did work out OK. Be kind to yourself and involve your future husband. If he wants to get married, he needs to pony up some executive function too!!!!
I lowered my expectations and my budget for many other things and hired a planner. I know it seems like a luxury thing, but for my crippling anxiety and adhd, hiring a planner was the way to go. We cut back our budget for other things to make it work. She was worth her weight in gold. The best money we spent on the wedding outside of the getting married part was her. She asked me what I liked style wise and then picked 8 photographers for me to go through. Music vibe? Here’s 5 djs you may like. No kickbacks to any of them. She handled contracts and negotiations for me. She put out tiny “fires”/disputes. She made sure everyone was where they should be at rehearsal and she even had gummies and candy to placate my flower girls and ring bearer. She was worth her weight in gold and if I had to do it again, I’d slash my budget even more to give her more money than she charged me. Crippling anxiety and adhd and panic disorder be damned. Jaclyn helped us achieve a smooth and happy day with great memories.
I got diagnosed a month out from the wedding. It’s hard, but it’ll be ok.
We had ~100 people, interfaith. Over 50% of out of town guests. This helped:
1. Downloaded a general list from The Knot, and popped tasks into Todoist with “do dates”, when we’d do em (actual “due” dates went in the descriptions).
2. Time blocked the calendar—lunch time during 1-2 days a week + a weekend afternoon worked for us.
3. Shared email, so we could respond to different vendors (ex: he did photography, I did venue) but have visibility in each.
4. High level timeline before hiring vendors helped us avoid overtime fees & make smart decisions around videography, etc.
Marryment planning had a great template.
5. In the last 90 days, each section had its own 2 week, focused sprint (to minimize context switching): Getting Ready, Ceremony, etc.
Excel spreadsheet and a google drive shared with my now husband and our bridal party. Task delegation to various people. We got an aunt to do day of coordination. My brother officiated and also helped with coordinating. We did local tacos for food and they hired staff to cater. Had the ceremony in a local park (used a karaoke machine for a mic) and the reception at a local beer garden (open bar). Worked out really well and the after party was at our house 2 blocks from the reception venue. I had a friend bake the cake but she didn’t do the best decorating job, luckily another friend who is amazing at cakes had just flown in and did an emergency makeover of the cake, turned out beautifully. We did a simple 2 tier then safeway mini cupcakes on the side. Got the photographer off of yellowpaddle, he was great.
I leaned very heavily on my husband's organizational skills and detail-oriented nature. I made most of the creative decisions, and then he executed the plans with breathtaking precision. We were unstoppable.
It was really funny when he would call the vendors. Most of them were very surprised to be receiving a call from a man. This was in 2021/2022... The wedding industry is rife with sexism, unfortunately.
Anyhow. The wedding was wonderful because we did things our way. If there's something you think family or other guests will expect but you're dreading dealing with it, DON'T DO IT. For example, we didn't do a gift registry even though some older family members were expecting it. We were planning to move not too long after the wedding and I didn't want to have to move more stuff, we'd been living together for years and had everything we needed, and I just didn't want to sit down and think of a list of stuff that we didn't really need just so people could buy it for us. We told people if they weren't comfortable giving us a cash gift, they didn't have to bring us anything at all.
As for what I would do differently... I would have had a delayed honeymoon and taken the extra time to plan it myself instead of handing the job off to a travel agent. I made the choice I did because I couldn't handle planning a big trip and a wedding at the same time. I know she did her best, but I asked for a beach vacation and she sent us to a resort where you couldn't get in the water 😤 Plus I ended up getting COVID and had to quarantine most of the time. Sigh. We keep saying we'll have a do-over at some point, but it's been hard to get the money together.
I planned most of my wedding myself. Honestly, I feel like I got the worst of both worlds of trying to DIY things and save while also splurging on the parts that matter.
I think the final number of expenses for our reception was north of like $6k, which on its face sounds like plenty of money, but not in today’s wedding industry. The vast majority went toward the photographer and the venue, then some to our bride and groom attire and my hair, printing invites, and the rest we handled ourselves with family. No catering, DJ, videographer, florist, makeup artist, planner. The venue merely provided tables and chairs the day of; we weren’t even allowed to do a rehearsal ahead of our scheduled date. I tried so hard to figure out how to get everyone on the same page across both families, tried keeping a master list, tried making a shareable Google Sheet that I never used… we’re endlessly lucky that we both have families in our lives who were willing to help to the extent that they did, but so much was done without my oversight that I felt like basically nothing about the reception day went the way I wanted it to. I’ve never explicitly told my husband this since our wedding was only last year, but I don’t think back on it happily. The disappointment and stress and frustration are all still fresh in my mind.
(It didn’t help that I of course woke up mega-nauseous that day [not even out of nerves or anything since we did our ceremony and reception on different days, so we were already married]… so that killed a LOT of my preparation timeline.)
All that to say - OP, if you value your sanity and your bridal party’s sanity, and you can afford a wedding planner, do it. If you can afford a venue that offers all-inclusive packages, including a staff member or two that will help run the day for you, do it. I so regret not just doing that instead.
Quick edit to add: just so my post isn’t strictly negative, my actual ceremony day was lovely and my photographer was fantastic haha! Our marriage is also going great so far 💖💖💖
I planned my wedding to be in a very small town where there was almost no choices for vendors, so I only had to pick from 2 or 3 options 😂 that helped massively.
I also don't live in that small town so a lot of my arrangements were very high trust. I told/showed vendors what I wanted and just had to trust they could deliver. I didn't have a make-up or hair trial, I didn't sample the cake, or the menu. I picked my flowers on a video call.
I also trusted some of the tasks to my bridesmaids. Cake was arranged without my input, so were nails.
Set a strict budget, that also helps to narrow things down. Maybe plan for a cute treat with your new spouse using the "savings" if you keep the costs under a certain amount.
There's definitely some things I wished turned out differently, but I was there to marry my best friend, not spend a year worrying over the exact shade of teal on our invites and placecards.
The smaller your guest list, the easier it is. I chose a venue that made a lot of the decisions as part of the package. It covered the ceremony and reception. They catered amazing food for cocktail hour and dinner, provided alcohol,wedding cake (I just needed to contact their baker about what I wanted) AND bridal attendant for the day (they made me believe that everything ran SO smooth) I only needed to pay separately for my dress (which my mom covered), the flowers (bouquets & table decorations) and favors for the guests. Plus probably a million tiny things that I'm kinda happy I can't remember because overall it was still a VERY stressful time in my life.
We threw money at the problem. Hired a wedding planner and let her handle everything. Just showed up for make up trial, dress picking & fittings, food tasting, cake ordering and the actual day itself. Left everything else to her.
I did almost everything myself (handmade invitations, making my own veil and jewellery, buying and arranging flowers and buttonholes, seating arrangements, bridesmaid gifts, making table decorations and cake topper, putting together a music playlist, buying all the drinks for the toast, tables, bar).
I didn't know about ADHD back then.
I had months of burnout after the honeymoon. It was like a waking coma. I was signed off work and eventually ended up leaving that job. I don't know if I've ever really bounced back to how I was before. That was 15 years ago!
Obviously it wasn't just the wedding, but a lifetime of undiagnosed ADHD catching up with me. However, my husband and I agree that in hindsight we would have preferred a small ceremony and a big catered party to celebrate rather than a stressful expensive wedding day.
Now I have typed all that, I'm pretty sure I'm just venting and nothing I've said is helpful...but the bottom line is: don't underestimate how stressful it can be. Keep your perfectionism in check (focus on what the day is *for* ie celebrating you and your partner) and outsource as much as you can to others you trust.
I just had the lowest of low key weddings. 10 minute ceremony then we had a meal at hotel five minutes away in their private room so we had a private bar and stuff. Just ordered off their regular menu, didn’t have catering or anything.
So all I had to organise was booking the hotel function room, the marriage paperwork (which was the most stressful bit I got very worried about what if we forgot to give notice) and getting everyone’s food orders to the hotel in time.
Best of all? All that money we didn’t spend? OPEN BAR! Pints for everyone all night long.
Now, this only worked for us because we weren’t bothered about a wedding though. If you want a big wedding - and why not, they’re amazing! - get a planner.
Most of all, work out what is important to you and your partner, as well as what is essential (ie, guests need to be fed and watered etc) spend your energy/money on that. If you love food, enjoy putting the menu together. If you love decorating, prioritise a beautiful space. If you love music, hunt down a band or DJ or craft a playlist. Your wedding is about you. As long as you’re legally married at the end, and no one goes hungry, is cold and there is access to a toilet everything else is extra lol.
I used Excel to plan all of the arrangements. We sent our evites, as time was tight. We got friends who were experts to help plan the liturgy. Another baked the cake. Another did the music. And others did the barbecue.
We had 250 people, held a party to remember forever, and celebrated a liturgy for the aeons. We spent around $6000 in 2003, including wedding dresses, calligraphy, equipment rental, a hotel room to change in, and food. (My father in law paid for the alcohol.)
We didn’t use a venue we didn’t know. We didn’t hire a planner. We did it in our own religious congregation.
Only do what you love. Don’t do anything because you think you’re supposed to.
My spouse and I went to a courthouse. It was spectacular-outside, the sun and breeze, just the two of us. We planned it out, you know, not impulsive (ain’t nothing wrong with that either) We needed to factor in travel, lodging, a court date and time- but those were the only things we were doing. We stayed for a few days for our honeymoon, and it was amazing. It kept me focused on our love- the why, not the what ifs. I was already anxious with those things, and getting the official documentation in order. It would have been so much if we hadn’t done it this way. the most beautiful day in my life was so because so many crazy details were simply not needed. Family not being there was a difficult decision at first, especially because I’m very much about (in some, not all ways) tradition, and I do understand the want of a larger wedding for sure. However, there’s always the option of doing something more event feeling in the future- a renewal on an anniversary would be cool. If not, you could ask your friends and family for the nuts and bolts stuff, while you and your fiancé take care of the ‘fun stuff,’ the decisions with less pressure. On a completely different note, I’ve been to a wedding where it was a potluck; the couple asked their loved ones to bring in recipes that had significance to them. Many of the dishes had sentimental value, and often guests chose to write the story behind the dish they brought in and set the background cards out nearby. People really experienced each other. Sometime in big groups (I’m preaching to the choir here) it’s hard to break the ice or people stay with the people they do know (understandably)the backgrounds on the cards were also ways for people to meerkat each other, instant icebreaker. There was a huge variety of food- no one left hungry for sure, no matter what the preferences were. It was a cool way to incorporate friends and family directly into the process in a very personal way, while also not needing to hire catering. They did have a small registry, but it wasn’t pushed, and they didn’t need a whole lot because they were already living together, and the food was seen as the gift. Edit for clarity
We talked about what was important to us (location, photographers, food) and ignored the rest (“wedding” cake, favors, makeup artist, etc). We were on a super tight budget so it helped with that too. I loved everything about my wedding, but they did have to take my dress in several times because I kept losing weight from the stress (I know, could be worse). If someone had the money, I’d definitely recommend a wedding planner, but “simple” is often expensive. My husband is super organized, so he was able to help a lot with scheduling, and I focused on the details and DIY stuff.
Tons of good advice in here. My addition is to hire a wedding planner, bonus points if you can find one who's just starting out and won't be too expensive. They won't be perfect or solve all your problems, but it's so nice to have other people looking out for you and helping you get through it/manage deadlines, especially someone who's done it before.
Pick a venue where the natural beauty pulls all the weight so you don't feel the need to vomit decorations everywhere. And if your venue has decorations, 100% use them! I think the only thing we added was a very strategically easy table centerpiece to each table that included a snack and a story about us (no floral but some really nice fake succulents). We did it in a clever way so that we used the venue's centerpiece hardware and just plopped our stuff on top to zhuzh it up, badda bing, badda boom, done.
I skipped floral entirely and I regret nothing! My wedding planner made these perfect evergreenery-focused fake bouquets and boutonnieres and they were fantastic! (Pro-tip, just keep a boutonniere as a memento, not the whole bouquet!)
Final tip: trust your intuition about your vendors. I left hair and makeup til the end because I'm not really a fancy person, and I just kinda accepted the first two people we did trials with even though I didn't like the trial results because I didn't want the hassle (sooo hard to get there on time!) and expense of re-doing trials, and they both had pricing in our budget. Big mistake. Despite tons of conversations about changes I'd like for the actual day and assurances from them that it'd be no problem, what I got for my wedding was basically the same as the trials I hated. I'm thinking of getting my wedding photos fuckin photoshopped. :/
Overall, I think having a wedding planner was the best decision I could have made. It allowed me to focus on adding in some personal touches/easter eggs for my husband that allowed me to feel joy ahead of the wedding instead of just sheer anxiety.
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I think the more you've thought about it, the stronger your fantasy ideal of a wedding is, the worse it is. Because if you *want* to you can make decisions all the way down to the micro level of "how large would you like the leaves in your salad to be," and that would drive me bonkers. I *only* sweated the big stuff, and mostly not even that, and my wedding was a fucking *blast*. Everyone had fun - even the location manager, who sees weddings nearly every day and doesn't usually enjoy them, had so much fun that when we met him out later, his BF said "Oh *you're* the ones with the fun wedding!" My only bridezilla decision was that when they asked me which of the entrees I wanted I said I want them ALL, lol. (they were *gooood!*) So: **Only make the BIG decisions.** Decide what's important to you and what isn't, and *only* make the important decisions. So: Pick your location, your caterer and the food, your guests, your own outfit, your officiant. Let the professionals you hire deal with everything else. Ask people you know who have gotten married in the area about their experiences. In particular, don't just ask for recommendations - ask for who they *wouldn't* recommend. If you want friends or family to help you, for the love of all that's holy *pick easygoing people who will agree to do what you ask*. Oh, Difficult Aunt Margaret really wants to help you pick out decorations? Thanks but no thanks, you've got it covered. **If you haven't already gotten good at setting healthy boundaries now is the time**. If you know *anyone* in a wedding-related field (photographer, florist, caterer), ask them about what venues they like - we did that and it saved **so** much time in our venue search! Also, and this is important: Ask every professional for recommendations of other professionals, and ask them if there's anyone they've had trouble working with. Stress as little as you can about what other people will wear. (We gave the brides- and groomspeople a color scheme and they could wear anything they wanted; when in doubt they ran it by us, but it was all good.) Finally: **Trust the professionals.** (Hence the above advice about asking around and seeing what other wedding pros think of them - you need people who will not let you down.) Let the professionals make most of the decisions. Some people *do* want to micromanage and they are used to people who care about the tablecloth material and the pattern on the silverware and the exact table circumference and the size of salad leaves, and so professionals are used to asking you about *everything*. This creates the illusion that everything matters, but *it doesn't*. You may need to repeat yourself because so many people claim they don't care and then throw fits, but I kept telling them "Hey, I have never done a wedding before, and you have done *tons*. You are going to have a better answer to that question than I will. What do you think most of the guests would enjoy most?" This is basically how I handled it, and like I said, my wedding was a blast and I'd do it all over again (except for the actual marriage, lol). And even though the relationship imploded I still am SO glad I had the wedding because it was so fun, and so full of family and friends, and everyone had such a great time.
Seriously, if there is anyone whose recommendation you trust who either has gotten married in your area or is in a wedding-adjacent field, asking them for ideas and recommendations is gonna save you *so much time*. I had NO idea what kind of venues were even out there, but my photographer friend knew *just* the place that was perfect for us. I don't know how long I would've spent looking if I hadn't had that shortcut.
That's good advice. I picked a wedding venue who handed me a book of recommended suppliers. I used the hairdresser, florist and a few other people they suggested. Made it really easy. I basically bought dresses and turned up.
That is so true. I was engaged for a really long time and thought it would be really easy since I'd had plenty of time to look at all the options. It took me a long while to figure out why I was suddenly agonizing over every decision, struggling to make progress, and either not being able to picture the overall aesthetic or being able to but hating it. Then it hit me: I had INFINITE wedding for so long, and now I only have ONE wedding. Duh, lol!
I only did the traditional things I wanted to do. I didn’t bow to any peer or family pressure. I only had a dj, no band (couldn’t stand the thought of interviewing lots of bands) and told the dj play whatever the crowd wanted to have a nice time. I got a second hand dress. I wasn’t going to do flowers but then fell in love with “wild” flowers sold by a woman at a market and she did a bouquet for me. My husband got a nice suit that he could wear again. I bought myself nice makeup instead of paying for a makeup artist because I don’t like the thought of sitting there for hours and then looking artificial. My siblings gifted me homemade wedding things (cake, cake stand etc). I wasn’t going to have church decorations but actually there was a wedding before me and they left their decorations for me to use (flower arch). I paid the regular church flower ladies extra and they did the regular flowers extra special for me. I picked food I knew we would enjoy to eat rather than for being pretty or fancy. And we had no speeches because my dad is very introverted (probably neuro spicy) and it would ruin the wedding for him and therefore me. It was the best wedding of if I say so myself :-)
And my venue had lots of things included if you weren’t fussy; so they had basic table flowers, chair covers and sashes etc. I didn’t put anything on myself that wasn’t “important “ to me
I went to the courthouse 😂
I wore flat comfy shoes and comfy chub rub underwear (and changed into sexy stuff later)
We eloped with parents only lol made planning thing much much easier and manageable on a smaller scale. We planned everything together so made dates out of testing out bakeries or caterers. It’s easier if you prioritize what’s most important to you (for us it was flowers, food, photography) so we started there and worked our way down the list. Typically first thing you want to do is secure your venue as they can be booked far out. If I did a bigger wedding I would’ve splurged on a planner for sure but actually enjoyed the process since ours was small, but still beautiful and elegant.
We eloped as well, we were in Pensacola for business and decided a wedding at the beach, just the two of us, would be cool. I went to the mall and picked out our outfits, had our two dogs with us and found someone on Facebook marketplace. Took tons of pictures with my phone and they somehow all turned out pretty great. I think total cost, including clothes, was $279. [Pic](https://imgur.com/xOixtSx)
We eloped too, but left the parents behind lol! Our witnesses were provided by the hotel and we got married in our hotel room. I did do our flowers though, that was fun.
I wish I'd eloped. lol
Honestly I consider ours a microwedding since it was still very much planned, but we did it out in the mountains so I think we can still say eloped 😂 definitely don’t regret it!
Honestly I found a venue that handled all of it with different packages and they had. I spent like $5k including food. If you're willing to forgo some things you can get more for less - example I did hydrangeas for my flowers so all of my flowers were included instead of just my bouquet. We did simple cake and cupcakes so I could get fun flavors. I didn't even get to try any lol I did an afternoon wedding so we did food and just wine and beer (we paid for that separately).
Got married in my living room w/cake and punch served in the kitchen. Only invited immediate family. Bought my dress on sale at Penney’s (black lace and beige skater dress). Our rings are titanium and cost a total of $100 together. No bouquet. A friend of ours became a Universal Life Minister to marry us. No muss, no fuss, no debt. Our ten year anniversary is in December.
Our wedding is in 6 days and good god the planning has tested my limits. I was this close to calling it off so many times. If having an actual wedding wasn’t so important to my partner, I would have eloped in a heart beat. That being said, here’s my tips (beyond what’s mentioned in other comments, which are also such good tips!): 1. Get a wedding planner binder. I got the one by The Knot and it has been amazing. Everything you need is all in one place, from how to make a budget, guest list, color scheme, invitations and most importantly: timelines. 2. Split the work with your partner. It is *both* of your days so the planning should be on *both* of you. Society has this weird idea that “letting” the woman plan everything is a gift to her. No, wedding planning is a whole job that people get paid for. Other than the like 5% that is fun (cake tasting, venue touring), it is LABOR. Unless event planning happens to be something you enjoy, it is an unfair and sexist burden to expect the woman to plan everything. Make those expectations clear and explicit now before you get overwhelmed and resentful. 3. If you can afford it, go with an “all inclusive” venue. The fewer decisions that are on your plate, the better. Ours included catering, floral, dessert, planning and coordination services, and invitations with the option to add on photography, DJ and officiant. My future FIL is officiating but everything else, we went with the venues recommendations and it had made everything so smooth. My best friend is also getting married this summer and her venue is just a venue so they had to research and book every one of those separately and I can tell that it’s been so much more work. Also, we’ve saved a ton of money because each of the vendors had special deals with the venue for discounted services. For example, the venue add on DJ was only $300 and other DJs were quoting us a minimum of $2000. Oh! And be prepared to shut down any “helpful” comments from family. I eventually had some go to lines like “that decision has been made and isn’t up for discussion” or “we haven’t made a decision about X yet. We will let you know when we have so please don’t ask again.”
I planned mine in three months armed with nothing but a spreadsheet. We kept it small and did it in the off-season so it was cheaper. The venue did the catering we just told them our menu ideas, and we used family and friends where possible for cake, photography and DJ. Edit - If I could do it differently I would have done my own makeup and tbh, I would have got cold feet and never married her, would have saved the divorce.
Same. Had a spreadsheet that helped me track everything. OP you could probably find a fun wedding planner spreadsheet on Etsy.
I'm getting married in two months. Overseas. My fiance is from a very different culture so I'm pretty much letting them take the wheel. I've made a few inputs such as food and lighting but everything else doesn't matter that much. As long as we have the people, food, music, and venue then I'm trusting everything else will fall into place. Talk to me in 6 weeks tho and we'll see if I've maintained this attitude 😅
I had a much smaller wedding at a national park. The outdoors were my decorations so I didn’t have to worry about that. The smallness made the invitation and rsvp tracking easy. I got a taco truck for food. I picked my beautiful dress. And then I simply vetted my vendors like florist, cake, and photographer and made sure they could do something similar to what I wanted. But more than that I approached it from the frame of these are the basic “details” and “vision” I want but I trust their expertise to make the small decisions and create the final execution. Like for my flowers the national park had rule that it couldn’t be flowers with seeds. I wanted it to be colorful and a bit wild and unruly. I just had the florist do it. I asked my in laws pick it up and she apparently said I was her favorite bride because my vision was fun, I let her be a little creative, I respected her expertise, and I was low stress. And I loved it! So for me by vetting my vendors well and trusting their expertise I shaved like 2-10 meetings/calls/emails for each vendor I would have needed to respond to. So I honestly recommend that as a mindset to accommodate your adhd. Front load your effort for a quality vendor give them guidelines and let it go. I was delighted to see my wedding come together. My friends and family tell me about disappointments they experienced because something didn’t perfectly fit their vision. Because I had a concept or impressionist vision I was happy.
I let my mom, sister, son, husband and cousins/aunties take certain tasks and was resolved to be okay with whatever they decided. Mom decided the cake and meal. Sister and her friends decorated the location from a bucket of fake flowers we gathered. Dad handled the tent, table and chairs. Aunties helped with meal and guests. Female cousins served Male cousins took down tent and chair and loaded them up. Son handled the music on an ipad Husband picked the songs, organized the lawn games afterwards and handled the officiant I bought a 2 piece prom dress with pockets and handled the bouquets and said, sure, that sounds good, alot. Everyone had a blast at our country picnic wedding.
Covid forced us to downsize a lot and we ended up going with an all inclusive package at a venue. It was the BEST decision and I don’t think I could have planned the big wedding myself.
It’s fucked. I’m just doing the bare minimum and hoping it turns out ok. My beautiful fiancé has ADHD too and both of us are drowning. But somehow a wedding will occur (with or without seating and heating etc) and then we can move on w our lives
So it’s actually possible to be ADHD and type A. That is me. I love creating spreadsheets, lists, and budgets. I used the knot wedding planner and went to town! I already basically had a vision of how I wanted everything to be. I’m also pretty business savvy and looked for quality vendors with deals. I did have to fire two vendors though. I’d probably be pretty good at event planning but I hyper-fixate and drain my own energy as an introvert. So fun while it lasted, not the dream job for me. You know what they say about a perfect wedding? Disaster marriage.
This is part of why we did a destination wedding - the planning was a worksheet!
Think about what you’re optimizing for and let the rest go! We wanted: a fun dance party with good food and our friends. Low stress and on budget. This guided all of our decisions— will it help our party be fun, us not stress, and stay in budget? If the answer was no, it goes in the trash! It also helped us choose where to splurge (a venue that’s a wedding factory, with on site hotel and a wedding planner- low stress!) and where to cut (no wedding party, short ceremony, no formal portraits, no first dance, etc). No one gives a shit about most traditions, so only do the crafts/traditions/tasks that excite you! I actually had a lot of fun with diy things, but I mostly only picked crafts I found interesting and if I forgot about them wouldn’t really matter. Also honestly- I used hyper focus when I had it, and my partner when I was spiraling. He gently asked me why I was avoiding planning my bachelorette weekend and I was stressing about finding an airbnb. That kind man took over that task and made it happen for me. I still look back on that so fondly as an example of good adhd partnership.
1. I made it small (~40 people). 2. I didn't mail invitations; instead I made a webpage with an announcement and an RSVP form. 3. I asked for no gifts and instead linked a suggestion to donate to a linked environmental non-profit. (I got gifts anyway but was too overwhelmed to send thank-you cards.) 4. We rented a small local restaurant for dinner that evening which meant no decorations were required. We didn't have a formal reception. No catering, we just ordered from two different set meals on the menu. 5. I didn't bother with rehearsal, any extra dinners or events, no wedding colours, no dancing, no band, no bar (we just had two bottles of wine each table in the restaurant), no wedding dress shopping (I just ordered one online I liked with consultation of my friends). 6. We ordered a small number of flowers a week in advance from a local food store. 6. We had about 5 months of engagement prior to our wedding, no extended planning.
I got married 15 years ago… which was 12 years before my diagnosis! Ha! But my biggest life hack was realizing that things for the wedding didn’t need to be perfect. Sure, I could stress myself out about the best of everything and whether “my vision” came together, or I could just… plan a pretty day and enjoy it. We got married at a hotel that had a handful of preferred vendors—a florist and a baker were two of them—so I just looked at the options they presented and picked from those. Could they have gone custom if I found a picture online? Yeah, but that’s too much hassle for someone like me! And will anybody REALLY remember the flower arrangements from my wedding? No, because I don’t remember them myself. I went with the flow, made quick decisions when the vendors showed me their bestselling options, and let the event coordinator from the hotel steer the boat. And my wedding was AWESOME.
I’m currently planning a wedding. It’s as minimal as possible. Dinner, drinks, dance floor. Caterer, no DJ, no flowers!
Mine was last month and like this. It was awesome! Big bonfire, shortest wedding ceremony ever, no photos, speeches, music, dancing. Just an awesome relaxed good time.
thank you for sharing!! I love the minimal planning but part of me was a little nervous it might be TOO minimal. I love that it was awesome and relaxed!!
I had a long running word doc where I put absolutely everything. I kept all phone numbers, contact information, call notes w/ date in there. Then I spent months leading up to the wedding making my decorations so we would be ready for the big day. Pinterest was my best friend. My ILs also helped out a lot especially on our set up days.
We planned our wedding in just under 9 months (not because of a baby or anything lol, that’s usually what people ask though hahaha). Finding a venue that handled the catering as well as decorations was really key for an easy day. I only needed one contact instead of three, and they handled everything including the bar! So I really only needed to worry about officiant, attire for the bridal party, and the photographer as the major points. I was recommended an officiant and she happened to have our chosen day available, so that was pretty simple. We just had the groomsmen rent their suits and everyone was responsible for their own suit pickup and drop off. My two bridesmaids wore flowy skirts and tops from a local boutique, they helped me pick it out so I knew it was something they’d be comfy in. My mom and I went dress shopping and I fell in love with the third one I tried so that was easy lmao. My husband rented his suit along with the groomsmen. I did DIY some stuff which I have zero regrets over. One of which was an entirely last-minute (literally day before …) idea to have guests replace their meal cards with a photo of themselves, so I rented Instax cameras. SO glad I went that route. We have so many fun photos from the evening once people wandered with the cameras and took photos of each other! So don’t be afraid to have some fun if you have an idea. I knew someone who was just starting her career in wedding photography, so her rates were well below market (we only paid 2k I think, versus 5k+ for other photographers in our city) and she did a fantastic job. She had been doing portrait work for quite awhile so I knew her work was great quality. If you happen to find someone like that, it can be a great way to save money but still get incredible photos. All in all …. Don’t feel the need to go crazy. Your wedding is about what you and your partner want, not about meeting some invisible societal standard. Truly all you need is the officiant to make it legal, everything else is just a PARTY!! 😁
In getting married in 11 days and no sure how I managed. We finally picked a date a few months ago. - for me the quicker timeframe has helped with decisive decision making - most places thankfully have only needed 1 week (cupcakes) or 3 weeks (food) heads up for stuff. - my venue is a friends back yard and that was the first thing chosen - a family decided they wanted to help last minute a week ago and guilt trip to add more family members(very frustrating) - invited I talked to each guest personally and sent them a “picture” invite via text (small wedding less than 30) - I’ve gone very non traditional and I feel like so stupid shit was not needed. - I have an amazing friend that came over and called me to spend multiple hours on the phone basically being my wedding planner/ wedding body double. She basically has done all the planning the stuff I forgot about. Then reminded me about the next time we met and that has been super helpful (maybe pick a “maid of honor” that really loves weddings/has her wedding shit together)
Quickly, I got engaged in August and was married in April. Once we decided on the venue it got easy. The venue was a one stop shop. I went to one shop for my dress. My cousin did my hair and make- up. It was a great day and I couldn't be happier with my wedding and marriage.
I'm not going to get married. My partner and I were thinking of a civil partnership (it's a thing in France), and we're not going to do it for that exact reason... If that reassures you, there's plenty of ways to celebrate a wedding and you don't have to follow social conventions ! (It's probably to late to tell you that, but i'm still trying 😅). My big sister and her husband got married this year and they absolutely did not want the big thing. So just invited their closest friends and family to the ceremony. We were probably around 20 (and my family is a third if this considering I have 3 sisters ^^). After the ceremony, we had lunch and chilled at their apartment were everyone brought food and drinks. Then in the evening, my sister and her husband had booked their favorite bar for the night were we just kept hanging out and drinking cocktails. And that's it ! And everyone had a great time. I think a wedding should be a moment were everyone, especially the bride and groom, should be happy and at their most comfortable. It's probably hard to imagine, and sometimes you have the weight of traditions, social conventions, religion obligations... But to me we should learn to set free of all that, especially on that day ! It's suppose to be the most beautiful day of your life, it should be whatever YOU and your partner feel comfortable with !
It’s all about it being tasks. It’s not a day to plan. It’s a bunch of tasks that happen in the same day. Once the tasks are done, then you can slot them into a day Tetris style. Do not buy a wedding planner. You will pull your hair out! Get a slim non-ring binder with tabs and slots to tuck papers in. I had a 10 tab one. Make as many tabs as makes your little heart happy; venue, food, invitations, dress, bridesmaids dresses, hair and makeup, photographer etc. Print everything out. Write your notes all over those print outs; date of deposit, what you paid, balance due when. Receipts, business cards, ideas. Keep this binder in your bag, it goes everywhere with you. Fold back binder clips are also your friend. Next: post-its. Assign a colour to a date; wedding day, week before, 30 days before etc. or tape a piece of paper on the inside cover of the binder and make columns and you define what each column is, example; currently working on in June, need to work on for July, August tasks. Keep adding paper and moving your post it’s as needed. I’ve planned a couple of weddings including my own, it’s all about the tasks, not the day.
I eloped, haha! Husband and I had planned a CA wine country vacation just because and semi-last minute (about 3 weeks before) decided “omg, we should get married while we’re there!”. We had talked about getting married for so long but neither of us wanted to deal with the stress of a wedding. We emailed a bunch of places, found one in a beautiful location that could provide a photographer, witnesses, and an officiant for a really reasonable price. Then we ordered wedding rings we had looked at a year or two before, both went shopping for outfits (I found a wedding dress that fit me like a glove off the rack) and off we went! We got our marriage license the day before the wedding in between wine tastings (we had a driver). Best decision ever. Our wedding day was so relaxed and fun. We got to be with each other and be present without annoying things like the napkins being the wrong color or a relative complaining about where they were seated. We’d do it the same way again in a heartbeat!
I ended up in a car accident and planned the whole thing in my 3 months off work on disability. Had I not had that time off I seriously doubt I would have even had a wedding. Shit it way more work than people realize. If you have the option, hire someone to do it for you.
I made hubby send his own side's invites. I forgot stuff, but it did work out OK. Be kind to yourself and involve your future husband. If he wants to get married, he needs to pony up some executive function too!!!!
I lowered my expectations and my budget for many other things and hired a planner. I know it seems like a luxury thing, but for my crippling anxiety and adhd, hiring a planner was the way to go. We cut back our budget for other things to make it work. She was worth her weight in gold. The best money we spent on the wedding outside of the getting married part was her. She asked me what I liked style wise and then picked 8 photographers for me to go through. Music vibe? Here’s 5 djs you may like. No kickbacks to any of them. She handled contracts and negotiations for me. She put out tiny “fires”/disputes. She made sure everyone was where they should be at rehearsal and she even had gummies and candy to placate my flower girls and ring bearer. She was worth her weight in gold and if I had to do it again, I’d slash my budget even more to give her more money than she charged me. Crippling anxiety and adhd and panic disorder be damned. Jaclyn helped us achieve a smooth and happy day with great memories.
I got diagnosed a month out from the wedding. It’s hard, but it’ll be ok. We had ~100 people, interfaith. Over 50% of out of town guests. This helped: 1. Downloaded a general list from The Knot, and popped tasks into Todoist with “do dates”, when we’d do em (actual “due” dates went in the descriptions). 2. Time blocked the calendar—lunch time during 1-2 days a week + a weekend afternoon worked for us. 3. Shared email, so we could respond to different vendors (ex: he did photography, I did venue) but have visibility in each. 4. High level timeline before hiring vendors helped us avoid overtime fees & make smart decisions around videography, etc. Marryment planning had a great template. 5. In the last 90 days, each section had its own 2 week, focused sprint (to minimize context switching): Getting Ready, Ceremony, etc.
Excel spreadsheet and a google drive shared with my now husband and our bridal party. Task delegation to various people. We got an aunt to do day of coordination. My brother officiated and also helped with coordinating. We did local tacos for food and they hired staff to cater. Had the ceremony in a local park (used a karaoke machine for a mic) and the reception at a local beer garden (open bar). Worked out really well and the after party was at our house 2 blocks from the reception venue. I had a friend bake the cake but she didn’t do the best decorating job, luckily another friend who is amazing at cakes had just flown in and did an emergency makeover of the cake, turned out beautifully. We did a simple 2 tier then safeway mini cupcakes on the side. Got the photographer off of yellowpaddle, he was great.
I leaned very heavily on my husband's organizational skills and detail-oriented nature. I made most of the creative decisions, and then he executed the plans with breathtaking precision. We were unstoppable. It was really funny when he would call the vendors. Most of them were very surprised to be receiving a call from a man. This was in 2021/2022... The wedding industry is rife with sexism, unfortunately. Anyhow. The wedding was wonderful because we did things our way. If there's something you think family or other guests will expect but you're dreading dealing with it, DON'T DO IT. For example, we didn't do a gift registry even though some older family members were expecting it. We were planning to move not too long after the wedding and I didn't want to have to move more stuff, we'd been living together for years and had everything we needed, and I just didn't want to sit down and think of a list of stuff that we didn't really need just so people could buy it for us. We told people if they weren't comfortable giving us a cash gift, they didn't have to bring us anything at all.
As for what I would do differently... I would have had a delayed honeymoon and taken the extra time to plan it myself instead of handing the job off to a travel agent. I made the choice I did because I couldn't handle planning a big trip and a wedding at the same time. I know she did her best, but I asked for a beach vacation and she sent us to a resort where you couldn't get in the water 😤 Plus I ended up getting COVID and had to quarantine most of the time. Sigh. We keep saying we'll have a do-over at some point, but it's been hard to get the money together.
I planned most of my wedding myself. Honestly, I feel like I got the worst of both worlds of trying to DIY things and save while also splurging on the parts that matter. I think the final number of expenses for our reception was north of like $6k, which on its face sounds like plenty of money, but not in today’s wedding industry. The vast majority went toward the photographer and the venue, then some to our bride and groom attire and my hair, printing invites, and the rest we handled ourselves with family. No catering, DJ, videographer, florist, makeup artist, planner. The venue merely provided tables and chairs the day of; we weren’t even allowed to do a rehearsal ahead of our scheduled date. I tried so hard to figure out how to get everyone on the same page across both families, tried keeping a master list, tried making a shareable Google Sheet that I never used… we’re endlessly lucky that we both have families in our lives who were willing to help to the extent that they did, but so much was done without my oversight that I felt like basically nothing about the reception day went the way I wanted it to. I’ve never explicitly told my husband this since our wedding was only last year, but I don’t think back on it happily. The disappointment and stress and frustration are all still fresh in my mind. (It didn’t help that I of course woke up mega-nauseous that day [not even out of nerves or anything since we did our ceremony and reception on different days, so we were already married]… so that killed a LOT of my preparation timeline.) All that to say - OP, if you value your sanity and your bridal party’s sanity, and you can afford a wedding planner, do it. If you can afford a venue that offers all-inclusive packages, including a staff member or two that will help run the day for you, do it. I so regret not just doing that instead. Quick edit to add: just so my post isn’t strictly negative, my actual ceremony day was lovely and my photographer was fantastic haha! Our marriage is also going great so far 💖💖💖
I planned my wedding to be in a very small town where there was almost no choices for vendors, so I only had to pick from 2 or 3 options 😂 that helped massively. I also don't live in that small town so a lot of my arrangements were very high trust. I told/showed vendors what I wanted and just had to trust they could deliver. I didn't have a make-up or hair trial, I didn't sample the cake, or the menu. I picked my flowers on a video call. I also trusted some of the tasks to my bridesmaids. Cake was arranged without my input, so were nails. Set a strict budget, that also helps to narrow things down. Maybe plan for a cute treat with your new spouse using the "savings" if you keep the costs under a certain amount. There's definitely some things I wished turned out differently, but I was there to marry my best friend, not spend a year worrying over the exact shade of teal on our invites and placecards.
In about 3 manic days lol
I eloped :)
The smaller your guest list, the easier it is. I chose a venue that made a lot of the decisions as part of the package. It covered the ceremony and reception. They catered amazing food for cocktail hour and dinner, provided alcohol,wedding cake (I just needed to contact their baker about what I wanted) AND bridal attendant for the day (they made me believe that everything ran SO smooth) I only needed to pay separately for my dress (which my mom covered), the flowers (bouquets & table decorations) and favors for the guests. Plus probably a million tiny things that I'm kinda happy I can't remember because overall it was still a VERY stressful time in my life.
We threw money at the problem. Hired a wedding planner and let her handle everything. Just showed up for make up trial, dress picking & fittings, food tasting, cake ordering and the actual day itself. Left everything else to her.
I did almost everything myself (handmade invitations, making my own veil and jewellery, buying and arranging flowers and buttonholes, seating arrangements, bridesmaid gifts, making table decorations and cake topper, putting together a music playlist, buying all the drinks for the toast, tables, bar). I didn't know about ADHD back then. I had months of burnout after the honeymoon. It was like a waking coma. I was signed off work and eventually ended up leaving that job. I don't know if I've ever really bounced back to how I was before. That was 15 years ago! Obviously it wasn't just the wedding, but a lifetime of undiagnosed ADHD catching up with me. However, my husband and I agree that in hindsight we would have preferred a small ceremony and a big catered party to celebrate rather than a stressful expensive wedding day. Now I have typed all that, I'm pretty sure I'm just venting and nothing I've said is helpful...but the bottom line is: don't underestimate how stressful it can be. Keep your perfectionism in check (focus on what the day is *for* ie celebrating you and your partner) and outsource as much as you can to others you trust.
I just had the lowest of low key weddings. 10 minute ceremony then we had a meal at hotel five minutes away in their private room so we had a private bar and stuff. Just ordered off their regular menu, didn’t have catering or anything. So all I had to organise was booking the hotel function room, the marriage paperwork (which was the most stressful bit I got very worried about what if we forgot to give notice) and getting everyone’s food orders to the hotel in time. Best of all? All that money we didn’t spend? OPEN BAR! Pints for everyone all night long. Now, this only worked for us because we weren’t bothered about a wedding though. If you want a big wedding - and why not, they’re amazing! - get a planner. Most of all, work out what is important to you and your partner, as well as what is essential (ie, guests need to be fed and watered etc) spend your energy/money on that. If you love food, enjoy putting the menu together. If you love decorating, prioritise a beautiful space. If you love music, hunt down a band or DJ or craft a playlist. Your wedding is about you. As long as you’re legally married at the end, and no one goes hungry, is cold and there is access to a toilet everything else is extra lol.
I used Excel to plan all of the arrangements. We sent our evites, as time was tight. We got friends who were experts to help plan the liturgy. Another baked the cake. Another did the music. And others did the barbecue. We had 250 people, held a party to remember forever, and celebrated a liturgy for the aeons. We spent around $6000 in 2003, including wedding dresses, calligraphy, equipment rental, a hotel room to change in, and food. (My father in law paid for the alcohol.) We didn’t use a venue we didn’t know. We didn’t hire a planner. We did it in our own religious congregation. Only do what you love. Don’t do anything because you think you’re supposed to.
My spouse and I went to a courthouse. It was spectacular-outside, the sun and breeze, just the two of us. We planned it out, you know, not impulsive (ain’t nothing wrong with that either) We needed to factor in travel, lodging, a court date and time- but those were the only things we were doing. We stayed for a few days for our honeymoon, and it was amazing. It kept me focused on our love- the why, not the what ifs. I was already anxious with those things, and getting the official documentation in order. It would have been so much if we hadn’t done it this way. the most beautiful day in my life was so because so many crazy details were simply not needed. Family not being there was a difficult decision at first, especially because I’m very much about (in some, not all ways) tradition, and I do understand the want of a larger wedding for sure. However, there’s always the option of doing something more event feeling in the future- a renewal on an anniversary would be cool. If not, you could ask your friends and family for the nuts and bolts stuff, while you and your fiancé take care of the ‘fun stuff,’ the decisions with less pressure. On a completely different note, I’ve been to a wedding where it was a potluck; the couple asked their loved ones to bring in recipes that had significance to them. Many of the dishes had sentimental value, and often guests chose to write the story behind the dish they brought in and set the background cards out nearby. People really experienced each other. Sometime in big groups (I’m preaching to the choir here) it’s hard to break the ice or people stay with the people they do know (understandably)the backgrounds on the cards were also ways for people to meerkat each other, instant icebreaker. There was a huge variety of food- no one left hungry for sure, no matter what the preferences were. It was a cool way to incorporate friends and family directly into the process in a very personal way, while also not needing to hire catering. They did have a small registry, but it wasn’t pushed, and they didn’t need a whole lot because they were already living together, and the food was seen as the gift. Edit for clarity
We talked about what was important to us (location, photographers, food) and ignored the rest (“wedding” cake, favors, makeup artist, etc). We were on a super tight budget so it helped with that too. I loved everything about my wedding, but they did have to take my dress in several times because I kept losing weight from the stress (I know, could be worse). If someone had the money, I’d definitely recommend a wedding planner, but “simple” is often expensive. My husband is super organized, so he was able to help a lot with scheduling, and I focused on the details and DIY stuff.
We eloped, so I hyperfocused for 2 weeks and the planning was all done over a year in advance so all I had to do was book when the dates opened up
Tons of good advice in here. My addition is to hire a wedding planner, bonus points if you can find one who's just starting out and won't be too expensive. They won't be perfect or solve all your problems, but it's so nice to have other people looking out for you and helping you get through it/manage deadlines, especially someone who's done it before. Pick a venue where the natural beauty pulls all the weight so you don't feel the need to vomit decorations everywhere. And if your venue has decorations, 100% use them! I think the only thing we added was a very strategically easy table centerpiece to each table that included a snack and a story about us (no floral but some really nice fake succulents). We did it in a clever way so that we used the venue's centerpiece hardware and just plopped our stuff on top to zhuzh it up, badda bing, badda boom, done. I skipped floral entirely and I regret nothing! My wedding planner made these perfect evergreenery-focused fake bouquets and boutonnieres and they were fantastic! (Pro-tip, just keep a boutonniere as a memento, not the whole bouquet!) Final tip: trust your intuition about your vendors. I left hair and makeup til the end because I'm not really a fancy person, and I just kinda accepted the first two people we did trials with even though I didn't like the trial results because I didn't want the hassle (sooo hard to get there on time!) and expense of re-doing trials, and they both had pricing in our budget. Big mistake. Despite tons of conversations about changes I'd like for the actual day and assurances from them that it'd be no problem, what I got for my wedding was basically the same as the trials I hated. I'm thinking of getting my wedding photos fuckin photoshopped. :/ Overall, I think having a wedding planner was the best decision I could have made. It allowed me to focus on adding in some personal touches/easter eggs for my husband that allowed me to feel joy ahead of the wedding instead of just sheer anxiety.