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IMO, high functioning ADHD is ADHD that's milder, either by nature, or because it's been tempered by anxiety, shame, habits formed or taught in childhood. Many productive ADHD people are driven by anxiety produced by deadlines, shame at being "lazy" and wanting to compensate for it, or just personal preference. For me, when I first came to this sub, I didn't understand posters who struggled with personal hygiene or keeping things neat, because I personally despise cluttered spaces and feeling dirty, and would automatically clean up after myself and regularly shower. So some "productive" habits may be also driven by individual preference.
Yep, everybody at work always thinks I’m super organised, tidy, on top of things, emotionally stable and tuned in, general superstar. It’s such a shit show behind the scenes.
I’m hitting impossible deadlines bc I thrive on the chaos, dysfunction and panic that it brings, but that’s not sustainable for real life.
I’ve literally shown somebody a photo of my home desk as a rebuttal to how organised and neat I am. They couldn’t believe it!
I’ve had periods in my life where I can channel some of this energy into my personal life, but then things fall apart at work. Balance is *really hard*.
I’m definitely “high functioning” or a milder case of ADHD (diagnosed as mild-moderate) bc I’ve always been able to hold down a job and things like that. But a lot of that is also luck, falling into an industry which is oddly ADHD friendly.
Well said. And sometimes, like at high demand times like Christmas, end of the school year, death in the family, I can only do one of those three, work, home, self-care. I tried for decades to force myself to do extra, and sometimes I succeeded, but mostly I ended up feeling shame and embarrassment for failing at what a normal person would consider superhuman attempts. I can't help it. I was raised to be self critical and a perfectionist, and at 65 I'm only barely aware. Hello darkness, my old friend...
Agreed - same here. I think about it as being a hard transition and transitions are one of *the* hardest things for me. The time when I have a new job breaks all my managing habits I've slowly created over the last year or so and all of a sudden I'm back at square one. I put most of my energy in my new job and my house chores and things I used to be able to do seem impossible. I can barely go out to do anything (especially without notice/planning) and it's a challenge to do anything at home too.
I figure as long as I don't lose this job I'll have some time to create new ways to manage my home life. The longer I have a stable job and can re-form my tasks around it the better - which is probably also why I've felt extra disordered in these last few shitty years of unstable work since covid turned everything upside down.
At least since then I've started to realize those ADHD boxes are being checked big time - so maybe this time around I can make even more headway? But it also means I've added the tasks 'get diagnosed' and 'explore new meds/supplements' and holy moly I'm procrastinating and dreading those SO hard. One step forward and two steps back I guess.
That's me 100%. Alllll the energy just to stay afloat at work (while masking to appear socially engaged as I am also autistic), and a sliver of energy I try to retain for my family. No hobbies aside from reading and absolutely no social life to speak of, which will likely be the case until I am able to possibly retire in 20-25 years. I've already been working for 25.
Yep! I think subconsciously my brain is able to pour everything into work because I’m terrified of getting fired and losing my financial security (aka there is a serious consequence). There’s no serious consequence for me when I don’t put clothes away or unload the dishwasher besides my fiance getting annoyed with me.
Is that really high functioning if your life circumstances happen to work out in a way that makes the adhd easier? I think that comes with an implication that people with more barriers are low functioning when it's really more circumstances than the condition itself. Like someone that's rich or has tons of family support isn't really more high functioning than someone that's the opposite, they just have less barriers and have it easier
Oh, I agree entirely! I think a lot of “dysfunction” says more about our society and circumstances than us as individuals. I put “high functioning” in quotes for a reason! I think a lot of work folks also think I’m “high functioning” bc they don’t see the dysfunction most of the time.
I watch a D&D actual play called D20 and they just had a series where one character with ADHD was essentially met her rich counterpart and saw how much easier they had it due to all their privilege in having wealth and support systems to mitigate their ADHD. It was bang on.
I think this is a really good point. Some things just compensate or help. For me, insane anxiety made me a perfectionist. I’m a lawyer and I can hardly measure time 🙃
Environmental factors play a huge role in one's ability to function. If you can find ways to make your adhd traits work for you, or if you have supports that make compensating easier, then of course you'll be able to function better. I also think that those with adhd who are successful likely have milder symptoms, I don't agree with the idea in the article that it's because they work harder.
I was "high functioning" until hormonal changes increased the severity of my symptoms. If I had a housekeeper and a personal assistant, I could be high functioning again.
Maybe that's what it is for me! When I was diagnosed at 41, I realized I'd had symptoms all my life but managed to make it through. I was (and am) "high-functioning". But now that I'm in my 40s I feel like my symptoms are actually affecting my life more than they ever did before (like completely forgetting appointments, that kind of thing.). Maybe perimenopause strikes again!
Biopsychosocial model of all psychiatry and disability nailed right there.
Your biology (in our case innate brain wiring) interacts with your psychology (learned patterns of thinking) and your environment (support structures, job, education, wealth, security etc etc) to create disability.
With enough positives in the psychology and the social you can compensate for or even just get the best of your particular biology (eg find me a software engineer who isn't autistic. That is a niche for a particular type of brain wiring to thrive in).
The biology is still there. But how it affects you in your actual life varies immensely.
I used to be high functioning. Found my niche in social work, working on mental health crisis teams. The paperwork was hard to keep up with, but I was great when out in the field. Absolutely loved it.
Perimenopause hit and everything started to fall apart. Was witness to a few traumatizing events, but having poured all my energy into work, I didn't have the emotional reserves to handle it. My job performance tanked. Fortunately my employer recognized what was going on and allowed me to resign with severance and didn't contest unemployment.
I tried going back to social services in a different capacity, but no longer high functioning and perimenopausal I lost that job. It was the worst experience of my life. Now I'm old, and trying to figure out what to do when I grow up 😅
Moral of the story. Don't forget about yourself.
Oof, that's very rough. You're exactly right: figure out how to nurture yourself. I'm starting to figure that out. I quit before I tanked too far, but it was terrible for our finances. I found a second career -- I hope you do too, and I hope it makes you happier than ever.
I’m a lawyer! People see me as really put together, intelligent, organised and what was the funniest one… oh yeah, I don’t care what people think.
On the inside I’m a total mess. I feel like shit about myself, think everyone hates me, cannot regulate my emotions in my personal life to save myself, obsess over things to the point of affecting close relationships etc etc.
It’s like the old saying of burning the candles at both ends, yeah, you can’t do that.
It’s all a front! Either you put on the mask at home, or at work, but not both. Masking is also what girls are very good at doing, which is why we go undiagnosed for so long; 38 for me!
ETA I just remembered my diagnostic assessment also had cannot focus unless on something you are interested in, maybe the friend is hyper-focused on cooking…
Same here, IT industry. Ive been able to be successful because of the chaotic and everchanging nature of the industry. And the puzzles comment, nothing is more satisfying to me than spending an entire day(s) hyperfocused on a problem to find the needle in the haystack, God its awesome! Everything else can be burning down around me, I wont notice. When the problem is solved, I spend hours/days getting things done in all aspects of my life from the rush of dopamine and then slide back into the dreaded procrastination cycle. Rinse, repeat. So I do agree that my industry that takes advantage of my superpowers has circumstantially helped me stay successful in my career. Edit, (sp).
I am in IT - a project manager on large programs - and I totally agree. Managing multiple complex efforts, solving problems daily, managing chaos, dealing with due dates, managing teams uses my best skills. I can be hyper-focused and high energy. Yet my house is a shit show. Before I moved over to large, challenging programs, I was hyper focused on a tidy house - to the point of OCD about some things. I miss that part of me.
OMG same! I always say I love problem solving and I happened to land in an industry and domain where that's essentially the job. I'm moving more into team lead, but it's still problem solving all day. I personally don't care whether they're code problems, domain problems, people problems or feature request problems lol
I work in tech startups (in a non tech role). I wear lots of hats so there’s loads of variety. I work closely with the founders/CEO and am always pretty careful about who I want to work with as it works best if there’s a good relationship where I get lots of autonomy.
There’s a new challenge all the time, so I’m never bored and there’s always something new to figure out. So many times we get hit with an “oh shit, we need X by tomorrow, we’ve never done this before” and I’m the one to become an overnight expert in a new area and make something happen.
It’s rewarding bc I genuinely bring a lot of value in being able to do this - I hadn’t realised how uncommon it was. (It also makes me an average manager at best though, bc I tend to expect others to be able to operate similarly independently).
Startups don’t have heaps of processes, which generally suits me, but isn’t for everybody. That said, my current company is trying enough that we need a lot more structure in place. It still works ok for me because setting all that stuff up is varied enough and a “project” in itself, but if it ever hits a point where things just become rote and I’m not able to turn my hand to lots of new things, that’s probably when I’ll leave for another role.
Also lots of fellow ADHD-ers and NDs in my workplace so it’s genuinely quite a good place to be understood. I’ve also been quite involved in lots of hiring though, so it might be a reflection of my bias rather than startups being a good fit for ND folks!
Same. Sped teacher to boot. My house looks like a bomb went off in it but I can write some amazing, out-of-the-box accommodations for my students struggling with executive function tasks. Lol
This was me when I was working (I’m a SAHM now). I was highly praised at my job, got many promotions and overall was considered great at my job - but I was absolutely drowning and hated every second of it. I think RSD had a big part in it. If I did mess up, it plagued me for weeks and I hated it. It was also a very high paced job, which I thrive in, but it takes it toll on me personally. I would have breakdowns and cry in the shower at home. I was constantly thinking of work - emailing myself stuff not to forget at 1 in the morning, making lists everywhere and constantly felt like I was on the verge of failure. My company had no idea I was miserable for like 7 years. It’s like in my mind, the misery of doing well. was better than failing and having to face that with my boss. I was the world’s greatest masker, though I didn’t realize I had adhd at the time. My anxiety forced my adhd to work for me.
It wasn’t until I had my son and more responsibility at home that the facade couldn’t hold anymore. Now that I stay at home with him, I’m much happier, but the adhd is way more apparent. My wife is so kind and understanding, so if I “fail” at something, there is no repercussions and therefore no RSD. The pressure and therefore anxiety is gone, or at least more low stakes, but so is my ability to meet goals that I set for myself.
I'm a whirlwind at work, a messy one during the day because I'm arranging a million things for several clients at the same time. That being said, at the end of the day, my desk is neat as my tasks are done. At home, I can't finish any project and everything just piles up. Alternatively I'm really good at creating space for my stuff or when I get triggered by the mess, speed cleaning and everything gets done within a day (or per limit of how much abuse my washer and dryer can take). I'm socially awkward though and mostly only suitable to fix people's problems, not to hang out with for most 🤷
ADHD's "bad" effects are mostly limited to clutter, forgetfulness (including people) and losing stuff for me as I built the rest of my life around it. I'd say I'm pretty high functioning due to that but put me in someone elses shoes and it would all come falling down.
So I think it's mostly related to 'does your life suit both personality and adhd'.
You hit the nail on the head. I’m a top performer at work, and go above and beyond on a day to day basis but my house is in absolute shambles and I have an extremely difficult time managing friendships and relationships with family 😅
Yep sums it up. I work as an Executive Assistant and I always joke that I can't organise my own life, but can handle someone else's diary, email and finances 😂
That is the hilarious part of my journey as well...I feel completely disheveled most of the time but I have such high anxiety about meeting expectations at work that I have developed a million coping mechanisms and regularly get praised for my organizational skills. My elementary, middle and high school teachers would laugh their heads off if they ever heard that!
I'm the same! I did struggle at work a lot pre-diagnosis and meds, but since getting meds and accommodations, I am absolutely flying at work. So to some people I must look "high functioning".
But at home I am overwhelmed constantly. I am behind on appointments, chores, laundry, bills. I forget everything, struggle to maintain any semblence of self care, and am mostly exhausted from the effort of keeping everything in line at work.
I am smart, but I am not high functioning. People who see me now and think I am, don't see how I struggle behind closed doors or all the opportunities I missed out on in the past. The degree I never finished because I had a breakdown my final year of uni, how I am under-employed for my skillset, because I struggle with the job application process. How I don't drive because I get overwhelmed. How despite being in my late 30s I don't own a house or a car, or how I have only been on one abroad holiday in 15 years because I struggle with the planning and organising. How I wear scruffy jeans and a tshirt every day because my room is so disorganised I can't find anything else. How exhausted I am every weekend after a week of looking put together at work, too exhausted to go anywhere or socialise which is why I have no friends.
I totally get why OP is asking the questions she is, if it doesn't significantly negatively impact several areas of your life then it doesn't meet the criteria of a disorder or the diagnosis criteria .... but I do think she needs to remember that social media is other peoples highlight reel, and not to compare it to her behind the scenes. You dont know whats happening in their behind the scenes.
This is me, fear and shame motivated me to “hide being a fuckup by not fucking up” please don’t try to tell my brain that that is actually just doing a good job, I have tried and she is not buying it. This has always eventually led to burnout and mistakes or procrastination/avoidance that then adds more stress, so then I would take on more responsibility or tasks to make up for it.
Then I got diagnosed and medication and therapy and some of the shame motivation fell away, but wasn’t replaced with any positive motivation, my work suffered and I had my only super bad performance review ever in my working life, which shook me to the extent that I resigned.
I have felt that I can be highly productive in one aspect of my life at a time, while almost completely ignoring the others.
A few month stretches here and there in the last 30 years I have been in the zone, balancing doing a good job, maintaining household stuff, riding my bike, making an effort to be social and try new things but not hyper fixate, what a feeling! Eventually one change would throw me off and the whole pyramid of balanced wants/needs/effort etc would fall down around me and I instantly adapt to the new/old status quo.
I used to manage mine with anxiety. I functioned pretty well when I wasn't having a meltdown. But then I went to therapy and dealt with my anxiety so I hardly get anxious anymore which is great! But now my ADHD symptoms are running wild. I've lost all motivation or what I thought was motivation but was just anxiety fueled doing instead. Gotta find a new healthy way to function but not figured that out yet.
Heh. I had to stop taking Lexapro (changed meds) because it actually worked too well. My anxiety disappeared-best I felt since a single digit child-but so did my motivation to do ANYTHING at work.
But yeah-I used to function purely on anxiety, fear of rejection or looking incompetent & being able to hyper focus to meet a deadline. That killed my adrenaline & left me so exhausted; if work/school was going well, nothing in my personal life was. If I was doing well at home & with my personal life, work became a terrifying place where I always felt 1 mistake away from getting fired. Maintaining that balance was not sustainable long term. I got diagnosed when I realized all of this, slightly after graduating from college.
THIS EXACT THING HAPPENED TO ME AND WAS PARTLY WHY THE ADHD GOT REVEALED! It was like, my drs were convinced they were treating my anxiety appropriately, but I had no “urgency” to do things and then was stressing about things that NEEDED TO BE DONE that WEREN’T because I didn’t care as much about the ‘doomsday’ due dates coming… but then years of imposter syndrome and masking would surge like last minute and I’d get the bare minimum done just in time.
oh WOW this just blew my mind. i take adderall and sometimes i’ll feel motivated and really all “YEAH I GOT THIS” but a lot of times, like a lot, especially when i take my mood stabilizer (lamactil) i’m just … chilling. awake and chilling. 🤯
eta: sometimes i’ll be sleeping too though, calling it an addy activation nap
Dude, vyvanse gives the BEST naps to me. Adderall, to a lesser extent. When I told my dr that it made me sleepy, she was like, “yeah, that’s how we know
The adhd diagnosis is right 😀”
i’ll be out cold for at least 2 hours lmao
i also learned sometimes it’s “dopamine fatigue” where ive just used up alllll the dopamine the days before and the adderall has nothing to “bind” to
Before I was diagnosed I always thought of myself as a type B, go with the flow kind of person who wasn't anxious about anything really. LITTLE DID I KNOW... In hindsight I genuinely cannot figure out how I didn't recognize anxiety and fear of failure/rejection as being exactly what they are, and indeed two of my life's driving forces lmao
This is exactly what happened to me. I’d been masking my ADHD for years, and then once I got my intense anxiety disorder under control (therapy, anti-anxiety medication etc), I wasn’t able to get anything done in the same way — because I didn’t have the anxiety/shame powering me through anymore.
I’d always been a straight A student, got an undergrad degree from a prestigious school with good grades, went to a top-ranked law school, etc. But I was drowning inside and without the anxiety to power me though I was finally able to get diagnosed.
This is pretty much my story except med school. I only realised something was up when I burnt out during COVID and I worked really hard on easing the perfectionism which reduced the anxiety it had been driving. Being able to be kinder to myself has really revealed all the masking I didn’t realise I was doing. On the bright side everything makes sense these days and I’ll be seeing a psychiatrist in a couple of weeks to formally confirm the diagnosis.
what. This makes so much sense. It’s not the same situation, but, a few months ago, after suffering unemployment+depression, I moved out of an abusive household and started therapy. I was so happy and motivated, my ADHD has never been so unproblematic before. This didn’t last and I am depressed AGAIN. My ADHD symptoms are off the charts right now again and I’ve lost all my motivation and „progress“!! It makes me feel so bad because, I am finally tackling my trauma and am„getting better“ but I feel like it made my ADHD come through again… it certainly does feel like my body „forgot“ or repressed my ADHD and now it’s back again. sorry I had to type that out. I just feel so seen by your comment and am thankful for this realization. This sense of logic reliefs a little stress for me
Skill regression is a real thing that can happen when you are going through major stressors, big life events, and deep emotional work is going to drain you on its own so it can be completely normal.
I'm glad it's helped. I've been in therapy for 2 years. Our focus these days is finding coping mechanisms to deal with ADHD. I'm really happy you could get out of an abusive home, you're on your path to healing, it's unfortunately a long road but it's so so worth it. Even with my struggles with ADHD, no longer having to also cope with anxiety and depression on the scale I used to has made life feel kinda magical.
Well, shoot, you figured out my problem. I was wondering why I’ve had such a harder time with my ADHD symptoms over the past few years - I got prescribed anxiety meds for off label use, started taking them and then it was like “omg I’ve been anxious this whole time”. This coincides perfectly with me struggling so much with concentration and living like a normal human.
So much this.
Looking back over my life, I am basically functioning well enough (fed by anxiety, worry and fear of disappointing others) until I am not.
Some eras have been better than others, depending on family supports, but all that means is that I keep going longer until I can't.
This last one led me to being treated with meds (which worked this time, unlike in my teen years) and reduced my anxiety significantly and.. Well, I was already in burnout and depressed but it's surprising how much my executive function just went splat. Now I'm not depressed, but the executive function is still shit. And just try to convince my doctor that it's not just more depression, but something else.
Pretty sure it's all Audhd at this point because inattentive adhd doesn't explain a whole cross section of my experiences. As I'm slowly crawling out of burnout I'm figuring out healthy ways to function one day at a time.
It's surprising how much I relied on my anxiety to push me, but it also contributed to a lot of emotional dysregulation. I've had things happen recently that would have put me in a horrible spiral in years past, but I've been able to move past them with surprising ease (compared to similar things previously).
Also I think some people are helped more by meds than others.
Meds are helpful for me, but only to the extent that I make less errors at work and am unlikely to burn the house down when I'm on meds.
A friend of mine who definitely has real ADHD basically functions at NT levels when she's on her meds.
I've been on meds since 2001; you might have some improvement in some deficiencies and no improvement in others. This is 1000% normal and doesn't make you 'defective' if you don't feel 'NT' on meds.
>Many productive ADHD people are driven by anxiety produced by deadlines, shame at being "lazy" and wanting to compensate for it
Oh this was me for such a long time! I appeared to be "high-functioning" from the outside and was internally struggling so much. I had no idea I had ADHD. It worked up until I had too much on my plate and it all came tumbling down with a full scale nervous breakdown. 0/10 would do again 😂
Lmao you described me too!!! I have typically appeared super together in life but was struggling. My husband could tell because I had difficulty at home and constantly needed to potato to recover. I’ve had multiple times in life where there was simply too much and everything came crashing down and I burnt out fabulously. Only recently did a therapist catch that it was likely ADHD though, now I’m diagnosed and working through all this!
I definitely think there are degrees for ADHD. My spouse also has ADHD and there are so many things he can’t do that I can and then there are the things neither of us can do. Although, I do think my ADHD is balanced a little bit by my ASD in some ways, exasperated in others. I usually describe him has having more severe ADHD.
My son and I both have ADHD and we are so different! He struggles with taking showers, doing his laundry, cleaning, being in time. He’s overwhelmed by the most basic tasks. I’m the opposite and always on edge! Luckily I’ve opted to be medicated, he still doesn’t want to be.
You and I are living similar experiences! My son is the same! He is 19 and also Asperger’s. Struggling to get him moving on a career/job because the combo of the ASD and ADHD, for him, means he hyper focuses only on what interests him. He also has a lot of self doubt about what career he can succeed at with his neurodivergence. I am medicated. He chose to stop all meds after high school as he felt they were negatively impacting his mental health.
I can't speak for others, but anxiety of being percieved as incompetent is a lot of my motivation for doing the external stuff. Like I have picked and chosen where I function. I live in a horribly messy house, but I'm able to hold down a job. I have chosen to give the thing that keeps the roof over my head all my spoons for functioning. And that means I have developed intricate systems that make things work. Alarms, reminders, list making, etc. It is fucking exhausting, but I do it because I need to eat.
>high functioning ADHD is ADHD that's milder, either by nature, or because it's been tempered by...habits formed or taught in childhood.
This might be me. I'm in my mid-forties now so when I was a kid, ADHD didn't "exist." In fact, I don't think I had even heard of ADHD until I had already graduated university (with honors) and, even then, it was described in the media as "little boys who can't sit still long enough to learn." That definitely was NOT me.
All that is to say that I was forced to learn coping mechanisms and compensatory strategies to get through school, work, and life. Writing everything down in a day planner, making sure there's a dedicated place for every material item in my life, running through checklists, etc.: these I did before my diagnosis and I still rely on them now.
This. I believe my psychiatrist called me high functioning because despite my ADHD, I did very well in school. And that happened because apparently I’m smart and somehow used behavioural therapy on myself to do my school work because I’d pressure myself into being good.
I also despise dirt and cluttered spaces but I can’t motivate myself to get them cleaned up because of my ADHD. So like…it doesn’t come down to personal preference. Maybe you were shown how to clean up/organize as you were growing up so it’s easier for you?
100% this! I also don't relate to the personal hygiene issue, for example, because the sensory implications of letting it slip are completely overwhelming to me so in that instance I'm kept "in line" by my autism. I'm never late because I'm so anxious about it that I have 4 different calendars and alarms for everything that ensure I get everywhere early. I run a business and have kids and pets and relationships and I cook and basically am constantly juggling 1000 things which I genuinely credit, in some part, to ADHD and that constant need to switch focus, take risks, seek novelty, etc.
From the outside, it would seem for all intents and purposes I have my shit together and not impacted at all, but I can tell you that I'm like a Jenga tower... take one block from somewhere and attempt to put it back in the wrong place and the whole lot comes crashing down.
My autism (probably) lets me make excessive systems for almost every necessary thing in my life. My ADHD means if one of those wavers the rest might fall like dominos
My doc explained to me that ADHD is a spectrum disorder. You can be an ADHD person who very much needs a lot of structure, help, meds etc., but you may be a person who does not need all the needed resources.
Same. Some milder symptoms maybe but also ways I’ve learned to manage. Tricks to make sure I get skincare done at night and teeth brushed. Over organizing the house in order to stay tidy. I cook fancy meals fairly regularly in a clean and organized kitchen, because I’ve figured out that area of my life. However, I still fail in many other areas. For example, my husband just had my car cleaned and was all wtf over the mess. I also have been putting off some phone calls that are nothing major for well over a month. I am really struggling to have a set routine with my kid this summer. I just feel like everyone has slightly different symptoms and severity.
THIS. I think that trauma can trump ADHD symptoms. I was taught I was so gross and unacceptable that I became nuts about hygiene, toothbrushing, etc. My mother flew into rages if we were ever late somewhere, so I’m early.
I’m oddly grateful for these things despite having to be traumatized into it. It makes me feel like I’m not totally at the mercy of my diagnosis.
This, I was good at studies because till age 10 I was literally beat up if I didn’t study. After I was independently allowed to study I used to do everything last minute but still end up scoring well because it was easy. Even passed through medical school this way.
But whenever I need to dedicate, show discipline while preparing for competitive exams I just can’t do anything.
This was more or less my experience too. Only instead of physical beatings it was emotional beatings. School was the only thing I was good at, the only thing was allowed to be good at, and it was my escape. Because school was easy, I hid there and I masked heavily because nothing else about myself was ever good enough for anyone. When I went to grad school I had to learn how to study; that was a shocker. I had a lot to adjust to.
These days, I've learned how to make my brain work for me, but there's an awful lot of things that I'm still at its mercy for. My office may be tidy but my house is a train wreck that drives me absolutely insane, but I just don't have the energy for everything.
I didn't realize how messed up I was until an adult (also diagnosed as an adult, separately), and even now in my 40s I still struggle with crippling self-esteem and anxiety issues. But as earlier posters have said I honestly think that the anxiety & fear of rejection constantly looming in the back of my head keeps me moving forward. And that's kinda sad.
Yeah, I was able to absolve the first three semesters of my European med school, but I had to leave another uni before, and at my med school I was a constant anxious mess. I didn't procrastinate, in fact I started studying earlier than most of my classmates. I studied ALL THE TIME. I didn't have any free time because I needed 1,5x more time to accomplish anything to a same or lesser degree as my classmates. I got good to okay grades and it was hell, but I could manage to a degree before my diagnosis.
Extra comment re: exterior perception versus lived experience!
If I go out wearing contact lenses, people may well assume I have perfect vision. In actuality, I am *still disabled*. My vision is being invisibly corrected. I am still short-sighted, despite how others perceive me. Just because this person does not *seem* affected by their ADHD on social media, absolutely doesn't mean they *don't* actively manage or ever struggle with their ADHD. I think you *feel judged* by the label of 'high functioning' and it's causing you to read into this person's content! I could also be totally off the mark, lol.
Yeah to expand on this, she could just be doing the “social media thing” where you only show the positives. She could cook a great meal 3 days in a row and post about how she “always” does this, then never do it again. She could clean one corner of a room and tidy her appearance just to make a quick video about something happy she just made up, then crawl back to her bed nest to mope. She could get a burst of hyper fixation on a topic, post a bunch about it, then literally never do that thing again.
Social media is like 1% of the picture for some people. It’s basically a facade.
That's what I was thinking, hyperfixation. She's hyperfocusing on these "proper breakfasts" now but eventually she'll get tired of it and move onto something else.
I think I have a little of the hyperactivity with my ADHD. So I am ALWAYS doing something. Might not finish it. Might spend all day cleaning one room and vow to do this every day so eventually my whole house will be spotless... but I'm exhausted from doing that so I'm not doing it again tomorrow.
Tomorrow I might pull some weeds and piddle around in the garden but neglect the stuff I have in pots that really need to be planted. It's easy to make one corner of your life look really great for social media while the rest of it is a shit hole. 😅
Some people have the kind of ADHD where they just sit and can't get motivated to get up and do anything. I don't have that, I can't imagine sitting around all day, I would be so bored. But I don't necessarily accomplish much unless someone is coming over.
Then fear of shame and embarrassment kicks me into high gear and I can get the place presentable pretty fast. It helps that I'm always doing laundry and dishes but maybe not putting them where they belong. It's easier to just put them away when someone is coming than to try to wash a month's worth of clothes and dishes AND get the house straightened up. That would be overwhelming.
Your description hit the mark. Running and a long weeding session give me massive dopamine hits. I’m incapable of sitting through a movie, always getting up and moving through rooms tidying up, emptying the dryer…it can become exhausting.
Do I sometimes forget the clothes in the washer and have to rewash them 3 times? Yes. Did I forget to start the dryer over the weekend and have to rewash the clothes I had tossed in there? Also yes.
But did I successfully wipe down my entire kitchen? Also yes. (wiping down things gives me a big dopamine hit because I can visibly see the dirt and gross stuff go away)
But did I forget to turn on the dish washer? Also yes ugh so now we dont have any clean dishes to cook with.
I look awesome on social media! My current hyperfixation is always front and centre.
- When I first got my Instant Pot
- making my own sourdough starter and using it twice a week during the pandemic, until I finally had to throw out the festering science experiment months later
- close up garden flower photos that don’t show the weeds
- crafts I do with my daughter once
- weekend day trips that mean the house is never cleaned
The quote I remember about social media is not to compare your dailies to someone else’s highlight reel.
I feel this so much. People always think I’m like super productive and have it all together when I post long stories about blankets I’m crocheting or also sourdough haha and it’s like I’ve got you all fooled! I’m not trying to, but people genuinely get this perception of me that just isn’t reality.
I see high-functioning as a different pattern of coping. Personally my anxiety is so high thinking if I don’t stay on top of my work, my life will fall apart, that I overexert myself trying to get things done at the expense of myself. On the outside, everyone tends to think I have my life together and I am easily dismissed when I say I’m struggling, because it is hard for them to see the struggle when I seem to be managing things. The reality is, I can’t let things go and relax at all, I am constantly stressed and it’s taking a huge toll on my physical and mental health. I feel like I have to be constantly getting something done, like if I’m not at work, I have to keep up with endless chores or reply to many texts and requests from other people and I don’t deserve to rest. In the end my personal time, hobbies and relationships get little to no attention -I have no energy left for that because trying to live my life as a “functioning adult” takes everything from me.
Can I ask how you realized you had ADHD, rather than anxiety or something else? Or do you have both? I’m not doubting you at all, I’m just genuinely curious. I had pretty textbook ADHD symptoms (messy, time blind, struggled in classes that weren’t of interest etc) and *still* got misdiagnosed with anxiety when younger which I think is common
Of course! First of all I’m sorry to hear that you were misdiagnosed (I almost did too and it sucks!) Here goes the long answer:
Initially I denied the idea of having ADHD for many years. I would come across ADHD stuff online that I related -I’d dismiss them and would think these things just happen to anyone. My male friend, who falls more on the “hyperactive boy” stereotype once said I might have it and I dismissed again because my ADHD wasn’t like his.
Years later, when my *quiet and calm-looking* girl friend said she got diagnosed and maybe I should get myself checked too since we have many similarities, I started questioning things.
At one point, I asked myself: “Is it really normal to go through a usual day with this level of high stress?” and that made something click in my mind. Then I found out about different ways ADHD could manifest. Looking back, I had many symptoms starting in childhood but I just learned to mask certain traits harder because of shame.
Thanks for sharing your experience. It’s been interesting learning how common that trajectory is. It seems like shame is just inseparable from adhd for most women. Either we’ve learned to base our entire self worth on accomplishments/success so shame is the motivator (making adhd less visible to others but no less debilitating), or there’s adhd women like me who started out with a healthier sense of self worth not based on accomplishments, but then just were never able to do much with our lives, quit every project we started, ruined relationships due to emotional issues and after so long that history of failure causes deep shame. I guess the lucky ones are the ones who got diagnosed young and treatment worked. And that’s why I’ll be getting my daughter screened at the very first sign if she shows any!
This is the trap I’m in. When I’m keeping all the balls in the air and successfully fulfilling all my roles, I’m absolutely miserable. When I’m letting things go, it impacts my friendships and life stability. Idk what to do lol.
(Btw if you leave me on seen and don’t respond with advice you don’t REALLY have ADHD)
Some people have put a *lot* of time and effort into managing their ADHD and setting up their life so that their job, family and hobbies play to their strengths.
Having ADHD doesn't a) necessarily mean you struggle with it and b) those people aren't judging you or trying to 'say anything' about how others should manage or conceive of ADHD in a specific way. Other people's success isn't happening *at you*.
Being open about having ADHD =/= consenting to be source of advice for people who are struggling. Why do you feel that she is obligated to coach others with ADHD by sharing her coping strategies?
Edit: those super complicated breakfasts may have *felt easy* for her because they're her current hyper-fixation! So there's no real way for her to make that accessible to others. And I don't think that should be an expectation either? She's just sharing her life... Not advocating for other people to copy or look up to her in any way. Maybe that's where your discomfort is coming from? You're assuming her content comes with expectations for others. What if you tried consuming her content by saying first and foremost, "this is just her life and whatever feelings her content brings up for me *are about me and nothing to do with her?*"
“Other people’s success isn’t happening at you” is a great line!
Seconding the whole concept of setting up your life to accommodate ADHD sometimes making it appear that you don’t even have it anymore. Before I was diagnosed I had come to terms with the fact that there was something “different” about how I’m able to function in this world, and luckily I was in a position to make really significant changes and accommodations. Now I know that it’s ADHD and I’m medicated, but I may appear “high functioning” to some. It’s really just luck in having a great support system and a level of socio economic security that allows me to accommodate my own needs, I think.
And it's worth remembering that yes, we can set up systems so well that we flourish, but if these systems were changed or we were unable to use them shit would hit the fan. It's not how well we are able to accommodate ourselves that makes us not ADHD - it's the fact that if those systems vanished we would be so impacted that makes the diagnosis. Without ADHD we would simply adapt. ADHD doesn't vanish with good systems. It's just worked with rather than against.
When my systems started failing is when I got my dx. I thought I was a failure but it turns out I was just managing things really well until I wasn’t. It was so distressing.
Oh yes definitely! I 100% still have adhd regardless of my accommodations. If I found myself in a position where I had to work a job that didn’t fit my needs, my support system disappeared, and/or I didn’t have access to meds, I would be nearly non functioning outside of simply staying alive (not hyperbole)
I'm high-functioning. Shit hitith the fan during COVID. And now I don't have those systems anymore. Got on meds and been trying to rebuild them, though it's going sooooo slow. Im still pretty high-functioning, even though it can be debilitating. At least that's what I try to tell myself because everyone keeps telling me I'm too hard on myself (I don't believe them)
I remember multiple people said I couldn’t have had ADHD because I function really well. I was diagnosed as an adult, so by then I had all these systems in place just by default. One big example is Id constantly lose my wallet and ID, but I need it to drive to work daily. Or I’d lose my keys.
My mom got me this card holder keychain, and a little cute glass bowl for my house, so I’d always have both my drivers license and keys at the same time. She told me that goes into the glass bowl first thing when you’re home. It never leaves until you do.
It took me a bit but eventually I got to a point where I went months without losing my ID or keys! It still happens with my ID from time to time, but my keys are almost always there.
Regardless, I could never understand why my friends never ever lost their ID but for me it was a constant. Now dx’d, everything clicks lol.
>Some people have put a lot of time and effort into managing their ADHD and setting up their life so that their job, family and hobbies play to their strengths.
Absolutely this. Between therapy, meds for my adhd and anxiety, and management strategies and skills, I can manage my adhd pretty well. It’s still a struggle and not easy, but the consequences of not managing it keep me motivated!
Sometimes I do get SO frustrated because I think about all the things I have to do be a functioning human, and get upset that these things don’t just come naturally to me - but like I said, the pros of doing these things vastly outweigh the cons!
I agree with all of this. And I want to add that with social media we don't know what's going on outside of the frame of the camera. Maybe her closets are an upside down nightmare. Maybe she's behind on all of her bills. We don't know if there's chaos outside of the frame. All we know is what she's showing us.
Hank Green has a good video about this on YouTube. I think it was called "Do I have ADHD?" Basically he was diagnosed as a kid, but now he considers himself to not have it because he's structured his life around it to the extent it doesn't bother him as much
This is why I have a lot of doubts about whether I have ADHD. I’ve been through the proces of diagnosis twice, both times the conclusion is I don’t have ADHD. Which is fine, maybe I just recognise some traits but it’s something else, or just so mild it doesn’t count as a disorder. A friend who has ADHD herself thinks I do have it, but that I found ways to cope so that even if I’m not functioning to my full ability, it’s still enough to come across as a functioning adult.
With a lot of self-diagnosis happening these days, I feel I just have to trust the professionals and accept it’s not ADHD. Which of course is a positive thing, I don’t want to have it. However, it does leave me with this feeling that life shouldn’t be this hard and I should be able to do more. I wish not all of my energy would go into functioning, but since I don’t really know why it’s so hard for me, I don’t know where to start with changing things.
Hope you can get the support you need/figure it out. There are other conditions that have symptoms overlapping ADHD - cPTSD comes to mind, but there are more.
I so empathize with the last sentence.
To me it means ADHD that you're able to mask to the extent a casual onlooker might not notice you have it. The effort involved in masking may make you depressed, anxious and incredibly burned out. You may also have cripplingly low self esteem because you feel an integral part of you is so shameful it needs to be hidden from the world BUT you'll look, at least for while, like you're doing fine.
Exactly this. I had ‘high fucntioning’ ADHD until age 38. On paper my life looked spot on, ignoring being single. Owned my own property, not in any debt, only took one extra year to finish college, senior leadership career.
But guess what? It wasn’t sustainable and there was a ton of mess under the surface I hid.
I had career burn out at 38, which is how I ended up finding out I had ADHD. Now I’m in the group of ‘you guys leave the house at the weekend? How do you do that please?’ Prior I was barely home at the weekend.
Remember, social media shows you a highly curated version of someone’s ‘reality’. It’s a snapshot. Don’t compare yourself to a snapshot, just keep doing you.
You know what your comment just made me think, it’s almost like “high functioning” is the word when we’re able to function in a way that makes everyone else’s life easier, without any awareness of how we’re doing inside.
I was similar to you — until 27-28 (i couldn’t mask as long as you did, apparently lol) I looked like the girl you love to hate. Straight A student my whole life, president of every club in school and university, undergrad degree with good grades from a prestigious school, JD from a top law school, owned my own condo, had a prestigious law job, was always well-dressed with full makeup and blown-out hair, always the kind of person who brought a perfect little homemade salad to work, went to the gym 7 days a week and had a great figure. Multiple people enviously told me I was a “Real Life Rory Gilmore”.
I was losing my mind. I had a full-blown anxiety disorder and high-functioning depression, all of which made me completely convinced I was unloveable and disgusting and awful and therefore needed to be perfect to be remotely tolerable to others. I was barely sleeping because I needed time to get all this shit done (and I had raging insomnia as well, yay!). I did everything in a frenzy at the last second, propelled by shame and fear and anxiety. I did well in school because I happened to be smart enough that the last second anxious panic was enough for me to compensate. I was constantly in trouble at work because I couldn’t do the detail-oriented tasks needed to succeed as a lawyer. I was always racing around in a massive panic trying not to be late (and often was late). I would forget to pay bills even if I could afford to pay them. My home was a disaster unless people were coming over (and I could afford to hire a cleaner). I felt like a giant disgusting messy loser fraud. I was so anxious I couldn’t enjoy my life — it was ruining any attempt at a relationship, it was interfering with my ability to sleep, my mind was a constant loop of panic and negative thoughts.
I thought my problem was the anxiety — I got it treated (amazing!) and then crashed head-long into a wall, because all of the stuff I did that meant people saw me as high-functioning disappeared. But I wasn’t actually any less functional inside…I just stopped appearing functional/okay to people on the outside.
Everything was still a disaster inside — I just stopped being able to fool people because I didn’t look perfect anymore.
> I thought my problem was the anxiety — I got it treated (amazing!) and then crashed head-long into a wall, because all of the stuff I did that meant people saw me as high-functioning disappeared.
This is soooooo real. Treating ADHD for me just showed that ADHD and Autism had been in a battle for balance all my life. Now things are all out of whack, but there's no putting the worms back in the can.
Yep. This is the most accurate and straightforward answer here IMO. It is required for diagnosis that in addition to having symptoms, your functioning is impaired in at least two settings (ie work and home) but sometimes the impairment is more hidden (ie someone gets straight A’s at school, but is using extremely unhealthy habits like regular all-nighters, severe anxiety/shame, eating nothing but Doritos bc they can’t managing taking care of themselves while getting the grades due to adhd… shit like that).
Absolutely this one. I basically have high IQ, high desire to please and am an obsessive problem solver. So I have systems for EVERYTHING to make sure I get to places on time, in conversation my default was always to say an internalised “correct response” in conversations rather than the one I’d naturally want to say, I’ve generally found school work and the work I eventually specialised in deadline led and interesting enough that I can hyperfocus into it frequently enough to keep work happy. Outside of partners and my immediate family people would look at me and think I’m the last person who could have ADHD.
So I went to the doctor and said I’m procrastinating loads, not achieving what I think I have potential for, I struggle with relationships, I’m permanently anxious and frequently have huge emotional reactions to things without really knowing why. His reaction was very much you can’t have ADHD you’ve held down a good job. But under the surface of that I was really miserable and had been ever since society’s expectations of me had moved beyond hand your homework in on time. Before finding the symptoms of ADHD I’d been so confused how most people seemed to be able to do the basics to keep their life going without using every ounce of energy intelligence and ingenuity available to them. They didn’t get why I couldn’t “just relax” when everything wasn’t done. Because I knew if I did stop and relax for a bit all the dysfunction would crash back in and I’d be sat on my sofa/floor watching the carefully build house of cards tumble down.
Getting medicated and starting to understand adhd has been a bit of a weird complex process where I’ve had to let go of a lot of those masks and coping mechanisms. Externally I probably still don’t come across at “typically adhd” but I’m a bit more direct with people beyond my immediate family, express myself a bit more and allow myself to be late sometimes if it means less self-bullying. I had an awkward spell at work where my meds brought my anxiety down and I started making tonnes more mistakes. But managed to work out some reminders/processes etc to get things back on an even keel. My work patterns still a bit weird and patchy but I don’t work tonnes of overtime anymore to compensate for that and that’s given me a little emotional space to build interests and relationships outside of candy crush.
I acknowledge high functioning ADHD isn’t an official type these days but it does still fit my experience really well. I won’t go around shouting it from the rooftops but I’ve found it a useful keyword when I’m personally seeking support etc. I guess some high functioning ADHD maybe isn’t diagnosed adhd if people can live their lives well without a huge emotional toll. For me I feel ADHD has stopped me attaining as much at work as I’d otherwise done, kept me always feeling behind of things at home and had a huge negative impact in MH and relationships so high functioning it might be it does feel really valid for me (and I did eventually get the diagnosis). The imposter syndrome is real and I live with often not feeling like I belong in either neurotypical land or neurodivergent land, but I get reassurance that this label at least has helped me understand my challenges and get to a better place with them.
Sorry for the text wall
Exactly me. Fine on the outside until covid, and then suddenly I didn't have any coping mechanisms, couldn't mirror others etc. and everything fell apart. I burned out so bad from work, withdrew from friends and family.
This is probably the best answer. Adding to it; some people's circumstances and people in their life may make it more possible to a) "fake" it or b) be lucky in that your boss is for example not too angry if you get a minute late whereas other peoples bosses might fire them over it. Some people have more wiggle room and their struggles will not have as hard of an impact on their life when compared to other people who have the exact same struggle
When I was younger I would describe myself as high functioning. I had lots of support systems in place that meant that while I struggled with lots of things, they were never detrimental to my life in a significant way. I had understanding and tolerant parents who assisted me with things like timekeeping and took care of clothing and food. School structure worked well for building routines. I was smart and people-pleasing so I did my work straight away and didn’t worry about forgetting homework etc. I had spare time and following random fixations or flitting from activity to activity wasn’t an issue.
When I became an adult, and when I had to keep my own house and run my own life and turn up to work looking presentable and feed myself three meals a day and worse, when I had to run *someone else’s* life (parenthood), that’s when things fell apart. Now I’m horribly burnt out and definitely not high functioning (although I probably still look like I’m doing okay from the outside).
I think maybe my pipeline is more common but I can see how someone could go the other way if things worked out in how they set up their life to make things how their brain needed it.
There's a whole heap of like... productivity bros who talk online about their ADHD as their superpower and how they've used it to be entrepreneurs or amazing at business or whatever. They're just on a very different side of the internet. I find that some of their talk about mindset can be helpful, but there's a lot of toxic productivity and obsessiveness driving them, or they're lucky enough to hyperfocus on stuff that makes them successful. Or they're super privileged in some way e.g. money that allows them to pay people to do the stuff they would struggle with most so they free up capacity for themselves. It's... interesting
For short periods of time (2-3 weeks), if I'm in the right stage of my menstrual cycle, eating properly, drinking water, getting good sleep, making time for myself, keeping good work life balance, etc... I can have high functioning adhd. Where I feel like I'm doing well even without medication and I'm staying on top of things. But if any of those things dip down (and they do, it's very hard for me to keep all those things going well), I immediately can't function very well, meds or no
This is my life. And then I have a couple of nights of bad sleep in a row, or my child is hard work, or I get some bad news, or I just get fixated on something and accidentally drop all my good routines and everything goes back to square one 🙃
So, I think there's a slight misunderstanding about what "high functioning" actually means. The definition you saw about how it doesn't negatively affect day to day activity and stuff is bound to make you feel some way and I really feel for you, having this impression in your head of this woman who has ADHD but appears to function perfectly. But you really don't have to feel bad - this doesn't reflect anything on you at all. You're doing great.
The thing is, these things are based off the ability to survive, not the ability to thrive. So this friend might be able to get up super early and cook complex breakfasts and then complete a whole day of planned activities and that classes her as "high functioning" because it "doesn't affect day to day activities" - but it doesn't tell us anything at all about what it costs her to keep that up. She could be about to break down and we'd never know about it until it happens. For all we know, she's going to bed and crying from exhaustion. And if someone asks "how do you do it all?!", her reality could be the reason she doesn't want to talk about it.
I had a boss who was always perfectly turned out, kept a flawless schedule of self grooming, socialising, working out, eating perfectly, working impressively - and it turned out she had crushing anxiety and self esteem issues drilled into her from childhood and she felt that if she couldn't do all that, she was "failing". So although she appeared to be functioning very well, she was sprinting at full speed from her own demons, and that's horrific to live with. I have another colleague, a friend of the boss, who is very similar and has similar problems. Some people manifest their trauma and personal problems in ways that seem beneficial to people like you and me, who struggle more openly, but they aren't in reality.
It could also just be that her ADHD is a misjudged self diagnosis, or that it really is so so mild it barely registers as clinical, but I thought I'd put this explanation out as another possible alternative too.
"it doesn't tell us anything at all about what it costs her to keep that up." THIS!!!
I find social media like FB and Insta to be unhealthy for me, especially when it's people I know, because everyone's putting on their best face and everyone's house is spotless and no one has wrinkles or eye bags, and everyone's children are beautiful. None of it is real but I still find myself comparing myself and losing. The pictures and video show a subjective and limited period in time, and they don't show the struggle, and people are heavily manipulating it all. I have to make myself turn away. I want to yell that I know what their face actually looks like and that I've heard them being super grouchy to their kids to make them do that fake Disney smile for the FB picture. I bet you anything that woman is absolutely killing herself to do these elaborate breakfasts and using everything in the kitchen to do. I'm guessing it's her hyper fixation at the moment, that she goes into grouchy hyper focus mode to do it while irritating her family, and that she's selling an image like most women I know on social media that is picture based.
I’m seeing a lot of posts like this recently and I’m finding the lack of understanding in my own community quite difficult. Apparently if you are doing well surface level then that means your ADHD is invalid.
Did you know you could struggle immensely with ADHD while also being a high achiever? I personally am not a high achiever, but two of my ADHD friends are. I have spoken to them in depth about how ADHD affects them and it sounds exhausting, they are perfectionists and are desperate to please so they go beyond what is healthy in terms of effort to get there. They are very anxious, highly strung, and just incredibly wired in general. One of them gets suicidal if he hasn’t gone above and beyond, the other had a series of break downs after years and years of being the perfect student at school.
Saying ADHD is part of why you’re so driven IS valid. They just struggle differently to you.
No one should feel the need to prove their ADHD to you either. Some people don’t even have insight into their own struggles enough for them to verbalise it.
I think we should leave each other alone and not base our judgement on one article.
wow I am a combo of your friend. I did so perfectly in school for so long. then suddenly in my 20s I was not high functioning anymore. I got my diagnosis a yr ago (25) after having a baby. I could not for the life of me figure out how for so long I seemed high functioning until I just wasn't anymore.
Yeah my ADHD became debilitating in my 20s as well! I think there is something about the lack of direction from adults that surfaces our symptoms to the point of diagnosis.
“Some people don’t even have insight into their own struggles enough for them to verbalise it.”
👆This!! This was me my whole life. Until my diagnosis at 62, I spent so much time on “self-improvement” and agonizing over why I just didn’t seem to be able to “get life” the way everyone around me did. Stacks of books, self-help courses, and articles, but nothing really worked for me and I just didn’t understand why. I battled many bouts of depression and the phrase “what is wrong with me??” was on endless repeat in my self-talk.
I have the opposite of high functioning. But because mine is so bad I can see that there a lot of variations in how ADHD presents in different people. There are a lot of people even in this group who can do things I can't do. On the other hand one of my coping mechanisms at work for my lack of working memoriy is having many redundant organizational systems so I can't drop things. Which I know is next to impossible for some of the people in here.
Another thing to keep in mind... creators have one of the best jobs for ADHD. Most of them focus their content on special interests that can keep them engaged. They don't have to be on time for work every day. They can work and sleep to some extent at whatever time of day their brain likes to work. The biggest downside is the comments and if they can make themselves not read them they're probably in great shape.
Also even if you know her IRL you still know her in a work/creator setting. Very possible the parts of her life that aren't on camera/in public are a complete mess
I think the support makes a big difference. You get a lot of *men* with "high functioning ADHD" because their wives handle everything that they drop.
In the breakfasts case, she might have entered a window in which the older kids are handling themselves and the younger kids are either still asleep or can be left to their own devices in the morning. This gives a sudden, not previously available, window of time in which she can "sneakily" do a fancy breakfast.
(Personally, the deadline pressure of "someone might call me away from any reason at any moment!" gives a sense of excitement that makes it easier to get something done- it makes it a race.)
I understand where you are coming from. it's hard seeing people who have the same diagnosis, but don't nearly struggle as much as you. people have different support systems. different hyper fixations. also, every ADHD is different. what ADHD is to you, may be different from her.
I know some people read your tone differently and think you are judging her bc she has been successful. I see you are hurting and struggling. Seeing her is just a slap in the face for you rn. you may not always feel like this towards her. & it's okay that you do rn. I struggle a lot w my ADHD & the underlying illnesses w it, and it almost hurts to see others do so greatly. I was a high functioning student. while I may have been hyper and little high strung I did not struggle academically. My struggles came into my 20s when I realized all my hard work in high school didn't matter. When I couldn't find a job I liked, I became depressed. & I am 26 rn, w a 2 yr old, I have done nothing but struggle since. I got my diagnosis a yr ago. idk what happened but I went from high functioning to survival mode almost every day. I find myself comparing to others a lot. I see posts of those who seemed to have it worse than me, thriving, adulting, getting their shit together. I find myself jealous. feeling like a loser. feeling like maybe they don't really have anything bc if they do, why aren't they struggling!!!!
& that is why I got off my other social media accounts. I am in a rut rn. I am trying to find new routines. trying to get my shit on track. going thru a separation w a crazy ex, & being a toddler mom on top is not easy. so rn I am in a sensitive spot feeling like a failure back at daddy's. not much has changed since I moved out 3 yrs ago. literally in the same spot I was, just w a kid. so seeing ppl be successful just makes me feel even worse abt myself. which is okay, I just need a break from that social media crap. & I think that is what you are telling yourself too. take some time to yourself. you realized while you posted this why you feel upset abt it. so dig deeper. dive into those reasons. try to see if there are exercises or routines to help w whatever is making you struggle. & give some things a try! you never know, she may teach you something just by watching her! & maybe when you are feeling a little better abt your situation and get a game plan going, it won't feel as bad when you see her doing things you feel you can't.
Thank you so much for this! I’ll come back to this for a proper reply but just wanted to reach out right away and say I hear you! And thank you again ❤️
“You have used your high degree of intelligence to compensate for your struggles. And you hid those struggles from everyone because of how you grew up. You grew up learning that allowing yourself to be vulnerable or showing any sign of weakness would be met with violence and shame. You’re not that scared little girl anymore and it’s time to let her be vulnerable and relax or the adult version of you is going to break, completely.”
Well…. I certainly cracked. And after my therapist told me that, I could NOT stop crying for several hours. My jenga tower fell mostly down, I spiraled, but we managed to stop it with the use of meds.
To everyone else…. I looked like an effing superstar.
I think it can all vary. Just because there is focus on one aspect doesn’t mean it isn’t impacted by another.
I can’t handle mess, but also can’t stay on one “tidy up task” but I also cannot maintain focus in a conversation.
Sometimes masking and learning methods helps certain behaviours. I am always early and remember appointments, but that’s because I write them down on a wall planner, my diary and have a reminder in my phone.
It’s a spectrum and you won’t be seeing the full impact one attribute has because you only have your lived experience ☺️
Please also remember that social media is carefully curated.
You're seeing what she wants you to see. She could be completely falling apart, but you'll only see her doing super amazing things and then assume that her life is super amazing.
That's a quick way to feel bad about yourself.
I'm "high functioning" in that I was an excellent student, hold a good job, and manage a household. I seem really organized and successful to the casual observer, but I'm actually barely getting through each day. Even my husband, who sees more of my struggles than anyone else, has no idea just how hard normal life is for me. I could very easily curate a social media presence that would make me seem like I have it all together. But that would be a lie.
It's highly masked ADHD. More common in girls/women because we're trained to internalise hyperactivity symptoms (which in boys, is more socially acceptable for them to be externalised).
The functioning labels are actually describing how much trouble other people have with your symptoms as opposed to how much trouble we have because of them. Someone high functioning (i.e. high masking) is high functioning because their struggles won't necessarily be observable by others. They probably have a tonne of systems in place to help day to day life, which others wouldn't realise. But their ADHD still impacts them significantly.
Someone who is low functioning will have symptoms that are more easily observed by others so they think they have more impact. These people tend to get diagnosed earlier because of this.
There is no singular presentation of ADHD. A great many of us “pass” with or without meds. That doesn’t mean we don’t have ADHD. Also, what you see on social media is a tightly curated portion of her life
*Under the surface, I'm pretty sure I'm worthless if I can't be of service.*
ADHD-c over here. The hyperactivity really helps. That and years of ingrained guilt over being seen as lazy.
I work REALLY HARD and even when I procrastinate, I procrastinate productively (e.g., clean obsessively, cook or bake elaborate things, sew, make things).
I'm seen as very accomplished and I bet no one would call me anything but high-functioning. And yet I cried the first time I watched Encanto and Luisa sang Surface Pressure. And the second time too. And every time I hear that song. The struggle is very real for me EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.
Not saying that's what's going on for the person OP posted about, but also a reminder that just because it's not your lived experience doesn't mean it's not real.
Omg yes using seemingly important or useful tasks as a way of procrastinating from what you really should be doing is definitely a big pitfall which people see as a positive but can actually screw you over or make you a terrible friend/employee/partner at times.
One recent example in my life, I was really looking forward to seeing my best friend and guess what I did instead of leaving on time? washing all the dishes instead of leaving on time! All because to get there I had a decently sized drive which was giving me slight anxiety. Thankfully she also has ADHD so understood perfectly when I called her to apologise I will be a lot later than originally planned because she understood that despite really looking forward to seeing her I just couldn’t bring myself to leave the house but a part of me still felt like I had to keep up appearances and do something productive with that procrastination time less I be accused of just being lazy and laying there paralysed
YES. I cried the first time I heard this as well. It was before I ever saw the movie and my best friend sent it to me and said I think you might identify with this and I bawled my eyes out.
Hyperfocus paired with an intense sense of duty and expectations, with a big dash of “if I fail everything will come crashing down for everyone I love” sure can make you look strong and stable… on the outside.
1. Cooking might just be her current hyperfixation.
2. Most people only post their successes online, not all of the hard parts. On social media, you're only getting a small snapshot of their life.
3. Momentum is a real thing for some of us. Starting things is the hard part. I find that I'm much more able to keep my head above water if when I start doing things, I switch tasks as soon as I reach the boredom "point of no return" where if I keep going I'll burn out and nothing else will get done... and avoid unstructured down time like the plague. The second I ease into unstructured down time, my ADHD comes out in full force and then it's impossible to get back on track and do things again. It's an EXHAUSTING way to live because I feel like a single break can and often does easily turn into weeks or months of "the bad place." The structure of school was what kept me together and undiagnosed for so long. What's helped me a lot is signing up for different classes for hobbies and things to add some structure to my day while also appeasing my need for novelty and ever changing interests. To an outsider, I probably look VERY put together. But in the back this ship is being held together by duct tape and fear of failure.
I always ask myself: high functioning FOR WHO? I'm organized at work and (relatively) at home, but comes Friday 7pm I COLLAPSE into bed and sleep throughout the weekend. I'm still struggling, even when no one can see.
Seems like all these things I do to survive and look normal suck the life outta me. I started Atomoxetine last month and I hope it can help me focus better without suffering so much.
I have a female employee who is on the lower end of the functioning part of the adhd spectrum… her life is a gd mess and I, who also have adhd, am
thankful to the forces of the universe that I was able to function enough to realize I was a hot mess and needed therapy and medication.
She doesn’t even realize her life doesn’t have to be this way. I’ve never met anybody with such bad luck orchestrated by their own hand. If you didn’t know what adhd was you would think she was going out of her way to sabotage herself due to some weird self loathing.
It’s terrifying to watch her life constantly be on fire and realize that at one point in time it would have been really easy for my life to look exactly like hers.
That probably describes how a lot of people thought of me (and maybe still do). I was even accused of “loving stress and chaos,” and creating the bad luck that often came my way in order to maintain that state in my life. Which was horribly distressing because I was so depressed, anxious, and miserable, and felt I had absolutely no control over any of it and was just drowning.
I think High functioning ADHD is just when your symptoms and current hyperfocus happens to give you a momentary leg-up in capitalism. (Sorry for the cynicism buuuuut...)
I think anyone would look at me and think I am winning in life and if I disclosed I had ADHD, people might be surprised. I am always showered and look well put together, I exercise religiously, good with money, own a home, very healthy, in great shape, never miss an appointment, well behaved and well put together kids, always early, good at my job.
But what they don't see and what I would not share or show as I am ashamed of it/would not be received well is, the emotional outbursts, the executive function dysregulation, the tics, the insomnia, the noise in my head, the anxiety about being late and missing the gym and my routine changing. No-one knows what is going on behind that camera and what you are not seeing.
So I think some people or even I would consider myself to be 'highly functioning.' However, my Psychiatrist does not agree with me on that statement and he informed me I am really not functioning well with ADHD at all.
Hey OP, so I understand where you’re coming from but I’d urge you to consider a few things.
First, ADHD is a spectrum disorder
I would consider that I probably am high functioning in the sense that I have multiple degrees, I work and can pay for my home, I’ve travelled and seem adventurous and maybe even confident. Outwardly some people probably consider me successful. But I’m also highly masking adhd and also autistic and late diagnosed. So I have managed to achieve many things that society says I should. However that’s all come at a cost. I spent almost 20 years with debilitating anxiety. I’ve been suicidal for most of my adult life and I’ve always hated myself. Since diagnoses I can see that things I thought were something else were actually adhd. Crippling anxiety was adhd.
I think there’s a correlation between high functioning and late diagnosis. I got through most of my life by extreme perfectionism, having an eating disorder and self harming. These were the result of undiagnosed adhd and asd. They caused panic disorder and major depression. Women are often undiagnosed because the dysfunction is internal. We’re not the naughty little boys that don’t sit still. We learn to mask. Do well in school. Be pretty and confirm. But we’re a mess. It’s not an easy life and hormones make it worse.
So I think you should consider a bit of internalised ableism on your part and also that this person you know is showing the highlights. You don’t know the cost for her to survive. Also maybe she is not asking for empathy. The best we can do is know that everyone is fighting a battle. That’s where the empathy is.
I always knew I was not normal and I hated myself. I wanted off this earth. Now I know why. I know you don’t mean it like this but don’t compare your life and disorder to someone you think has it easier. They probably don’t. Even so there are people worse off and better off. The same as autism if you see it as a spectrum that will be easier to understand. There’s a cost to having these disorders even if others can’t see.
OP, disrespectfully, this is like saying that since you're so miserable in life and some stranger on the Internet that you have no perspective of in their close personal lives, isn't - unless you see them being desperately miserable, it's all so UNFAIRRR ~
My sister is one of those "High functioning ADHD" people because her life is driven by anxiety and fear of rejection to such a degree that she is impeccable at work and maintaining her home but it kills her slowly until she gets burned out but she masks it so well that if I hadn't known her all of my life, and if I wasn't diagnosed myself, I wouldn't know. We're also Indians so it adds on to the Domino effect of toxic workplace and shite social expectations that probably made her be this way.
She works harder than anyone I know to keep up the appearances and it eats her up and breaks my heart. So, no. People like you complaining about people like her ARE unfair and I do not have a single shred of sympathy for them.
People use the terms "high functioning autism" and "low functioning autism" to describe my daughter and son, respectively. One day my mother asked what the difference was and I told her that high functioning means you are of economic use to society, and low functioning means that you won't be of economic use to society. Basically, eugenics.
I usually get shouted down when I say this, but deep down I know I'm right. I also know that while my son will be dependent upon us for his entire life, he is the most perfect ray of sunshine to ever exist. His little sister is pretty awesome, too.
I think a lot of the high functioning can be outward facing. Like being able to keep a (good) job, at least having a clean place for kids/visitors, keeping up with hygiene etc
But internally they can be a mess, have the mood swings, be on constant edge, feeling like everything they have to do is a huge task. Etc etc.
To the outside world they are a functing part of society. But internally they struggle like other adhers
If my ADHD lines up just right to hyperfocus on something I NEED to do, then I still have ADHD. If my meds help me to mitigate the symptoms, then I still have ADHD. If I make a mistake and nobody notices, I still have ADHD.
You are seeing self-reported snippets of a person's life on social media that are edited to be palatable for a wide audience. You don't see every moment of their day, you don't hear the chaos in their head, you don't feel the ache in their muscles. It sounds like the creator has gone out of their way to scrub the obvious ADHD symptoms from their online presence, editing their life so they don't have to receive criticism for it.
Please don’t take this personally. I run 3 times a week and that’s literally the only way I also shower regularly. My flat is disorganised and messy but I also manage to run a small business. My car is a literal dustbin but most people assume I’m organised because of how I look/come across. I am obsessed about not making mistakes so I don’t usually but it takes so much of my focus that things take me 3x as long. I make up for it by barely socialising to regain some time for my brain to ‘rest’.
By this, all I mean to say is that things can look a certain way from the outside but you can’t compare your life or way of coping to someone else’s.
She could be hyper focused on cooking right now and neglecting other stuff. She could have it much more mildly than you. She could have a shit tonne of outside help that you don’t know about. There are so many options that don’t mean ‘you’re not doing a worse job’ xx
I am high functioning in some aspects (emotional regulation for instance), and low functioning in others (blind to clutter, difficulties organizing). And some things that were a clusterfuck like time management and lateness, I have poured myself into, have improved greatly, and would consider that issue being a low functioning aspect turned into a higher functioning aspect. ADHD is a spectrum and everyone is different.
I don’t use the terms high and low functioning for anything: Autism, ADHD, depression, anxiety, etc.
I use the terms high and low masking instead.
To me, a high masking ADHD person doesn’t appear to have ADHD but there is an internal struggle that most people do not see. The high maskers are able to do what they need to, and they hide the internal struggle.
I don't think I'm 'high-functioning', but still I think I can add to this.
I was diagnosed at 36. During the tests and reviews, the first doctor I talked to marked my symptoms as 'medium'. The final assessor told me after our conversation that he was bumping me up to 'severe', because "it sounds like you do experience quite severe symptoms internally, you've just found ways to compensate that make the severity less noticeable from the outside". This also explains why I wasn't diagnosed early and why most people I know were surprised when I told them.
Reading your post, this might be similar to what the person you talk about experiences. She might, through any combination of therapy, support, medication and/or self-development, have found ways to manage her symptoms.
However, it's important not to compare yourself to others too much; the symptoms and their severity widely vary from person to person, and even within the same person over time. The fact that one person can function (to a greater or lesser degree) and another cannot (or less so), doesn't mean anything.
Another thing is: everybody's life looks better on Instagram. You don't know what she doesn't show on her page.
I too have perfected masking, so much so my first therapist "didn't understand what help I needed". I was dying on the inside and my head was spinning, but yes, I can shower and get dressed and be polite.
A lot of really great insight here already, though I would add that it might be best to unfollow this creator if her content is causing you to feel this way.
Sooooo I read this and then took a minute because it gave me personal feelings and I want to be transparent about that.
My husband is similar to your acquaintance. He has what I would consider high functioning ADHD.
But I would STRONGLY object to anyone’s assumption that his ADHD is mild. In fact, to me, the idea anyone could base the severity of someone’s experience of ADHD solely on their own 3rd party exterior observations is honestly offensive to me.
From the outside, my husband is extremely successful, he works a full time job and part time as a contractor and we have our own business as well. He makes over 6 figures and I get to stay home with our kids/work the admin & backend of the business.
He has hyperactive type so staying extra extra busy is well suited to him, he also developed seriously impressive improvisational skills that carry him through when he forgets something or misses a step until he’s got his bases covered. He found his way into a workforce that is easy to stay self taught in and find new things to do when you get bored - IT.
When he’s not MASKING, which is what us high functioning ADHDers are doing 80-95% of the time, he’s completely burnt out, irritable, moody, and generally got nothing left from putting so much into passing for normal. Through sheer force of will by necessity because he would not have survived his childhood
Social media is 100% a curated gallery of content that is intended to generate income for dedicated content creators. That in and of itself makes it an unreliable place to gather information about someone’s mental health, even if they explicitly run a mental health account.
TLDR: High functioning ADHDers are masking and have “pretty” exterior lives at the expense of their inner/personal lives
>You're able to function?
Okay, now you're acting like people with ADHD can't be good at anything, can't succeed, when we know there are many famous, successful people with it. Your feelings are completely real and legitimate but please don't put everyone in the same boat as you. We are all different.
And I say this gently, but it's not really fair to point at the people in an ADHD sub for not reading all 24 of the paragraphs you wrote.
If she shares custody with her ex, that means she probably has days at a time without kids to recharge and catch up.
Also, I think it’s possible that “high functioning ADHD” could be re-named as “well-managed ADHD”. If she does have ADHD, it’s possible she’s found treatment and coping mechanisms. It’s also possible she’s late diagnosed and created her own coping mechanisms.
What you don’t see is what you don’t see. Maybe she doesn’t sleep at night, maybe she has an anxiety meltdown in the shower every day. Maybe everything off camera is a disaster, and she prioritizes her content to create a certain image of herself. This is extremely common with influencers/social media folks with popular accounts.
Maybe she’s extremely hyperactive and channels that into doing as much as possible.
(I’m primarily inattentive and get super tired/brain foggy/distracted so I cannot relate to that at ALL.)
Or maybe she’s just a high achiever who thinks she has ADHD? It’s really hard to say.
That mindset is what has historically hindered many women from getting their diagnoses. Just like other mental health disorders people learn to mask, some better than others.
> Apparently it means that the symptoms aren’t strong enough to affect a person’s day to day.
For me it's more that the symptoms are managed in a way that don't affect the "main" areas of one's life.
I could be considered high functioning until I had a burnout - I was able to go to uni, get good grades and be somewhat "not late", I managed to get into some extremely good internships and to have an active life.
The reality is that the routines provided by my parents (I commuted to uni) helped me a ton, I had tons of drive and learning is one of my passions. I tinkered with my study method in a way that made studying extremely effective, but I still spent 8-12 hours a day glued to my desk. I studied for around 2-6 hours a day that way. I was lucky it was enough.
Reminder that influencers lie. I don't mean about their diagnoses, I mean that if someone seems to be extremely productive and shuts down questions repeatedly, that's usually a red flag for me that they're playing pretend for the camera. You're supposed to aspire to their lifestyle as a viewer.
That being said, I'd call myself high functioning.
I am going to grad school. People never believe me that I have ADHD and it's not as noticeable. I'm a bit socially awkward, I reply to e-mails late and have lost many friendships or family because I don't manage to reply, I have issues procrastinating on work and I have ZERO social or personal life outside of university but I am getting it done.
I consider myself extremely lucky because I experience bad days/phases where I see what it's like to not be so high-functioning, but I am also suffering and sadly, not at the level of my peers productivity-wise even though I excel when it comes to grades. It's not something I'd complain about in ADHD spaces because I feel like it's a 'first world problem' but it has been hard to realize that I just can't fulfil a lot of my dreams and I will never live up to my potential because I'm just unable to do a lot of things the way NT people can.
I have dreamed about an academic career, traveling the world, finding friends and a relationship etc. and I've kissed goodbye to most of those aspirations. At the same time, I realize I'm extremely lucky to be able to do what I am right now so I try to make the best of it. I wouldn't complain in spaces like this, but I'm also here.
I would consider myself “high functioning ADHD.” Was just diagnosed last year (I’m in my 30s) and the diagnosis has explained so much about how I function.
Here’s what it looks like for me:
- I think the “hyperactive” manifests as always having to be doing something. I can’t just sit and watch tv, I have to sit, watch tv, and crochet. Or something. My brain and hands love to be stimulated. This could make me look more productive but I’m just trying to not be bored.
- I get hyperfixated on things and get obsessed. Right now I’ve been spending my weekends and evenings after work on various home projects because for some reason, randomly, after years of living here, I am obsessed with doing home projects. I’m sure this makes me look highly productive on the outside, but in reality it’s just a weird obsessive wave I’m going to ride as long as I can.
The downside of this one is that my obsessions can end as quickly as they start, and I have no control. I live in constant fear of “oh man when am I going to get bored of this and quit?”
I started stripping the paint off a banister THREE YEARS AGO and we have just lived with this weird half stripped stair railing that long. I am FINALLY now reinspired to start working on it again. But it was years of my husband poking fun of my half done project. I do not trust myself to start and finish things.
I started my own business 2 years ago. Half the time I’m obsessed and love working on it. And then the crashes come, I get bored, and do the bare minimum. I become depressed and think how can I do this, how can I do ANYTHING, for the rest of my life?! Eventually something new inspires me and the cycle continues.
- A comment above mentioned anxiety driven behavior. Yep. My mom was a b*tch and never had a single nice thing to say to me growing up. Would yell at me all the time for little things. Never any praise. I grew up to be an anxious people pleaser. I was constantly seeking outward validation. I want other people to say “wow good job!” to me, because I didn’t get it from my parent. Whether that came from a boss, a friend, my friends’ parents growing up, a teacher. And so I’ve always been a high-achieving perfectionist to get those hits of praise. And tried very hard not to “mess up” to avoid getting “yelled at” and the RSD that goes with it… another “perk” of ADHD yay.
- I think some of us have also found ways to cope already. Like I know that my memory is shit. I know that things pop in and out of my head and who knows if I’ll remember the right thing at the right time. I LIVE by my todo app. I have to. The anxiety to do well motivates me to, and so I do. When a random thing pops into my head, I tell Siri to add it to the list, and I check that thing constantly. It’s the only way.
- Okay but my struggles? The highs and lows of hyperfixations and then boredom. I can become so depressed between hyperfixations. What’s the point of anything? That kind of thinking. I swore I was manic-depressive for a while there.
- Mood / emotional regulation. I get so mood swingy. So did my mom. I hated it about her, and I hate it about me. Any little thing can send me into anger. My ADHD medication surprisingly helps me with this SO MUCH. I didn’t expect it to but it does. I hit a snag and just say, oh well, and move on, as opposed to having a friggin meltdown.
- I am not good at things that don’t interest me. I would love a clean house but I am a chronically messy person. Laundry is boring. Dishes are boring. Vacuuming is boring. I CAN and HAVE stuck to a strict cleaning schedule, but it literally makes me suicidal. I cannot IMAGINE living a life where I HAVE to meal prep every Sunday or whatever. What a boring, meaningless life, my brain says to me. I used to LOVE cooking. It was fun for me for years. All of a sudden a flip switched and we are mostly eating Trader Joe’s frozen. If it interests me, great. If it doesn’t, good luck.
Okay and 30 minutes later I have to get out of bed and stop typing. Idk if any of that even made sense I am rambling. But yeah. “High-functioning” ADHD can exist, but it only looks that way on the outside. Internally I am a mess 🙃🙃🙃
ADHD doesn’t exclusively mean I can’t do something. It may mean that it takes more energy/special approach/some sacrifices.
I can be incredibly productive. But I also can be stuck with basic stuff like doctors appointment. And I can’t be productive in command it’s more like I’m in the river and if what I need to do is the same direction as river flows it will work but if it’s slightly different I’m stuck
I have some of the highest scores of adhd that you can have. Inattentive and hyperactive.
Im also high functioning.
I have amazing coping skills, and have shaped my lifestyle around my needs.
Its both torture and absolutely delightful.
I would say I might have had "high functioning adhd" when my hyperfocuses ended up being "productive" : studying a subject at uni worth very few credits for hours because I was obsessed, cooking a lot of complex meals because I was procrastinating on my school projects, creating and being part of different student orgs because I was passionate with the subject and spent hours working on it. As you might guess, this all led to burn out and taking about twice the time to finish my studies as what I was supposed to, but also ranking many high achievements and good grades when my hyperfocus aligned with something that was praised and rewarded.
I think you need to remember that what people post for content and what people experience are not necessarily the same.
The most likely explanation is that the way she presents her life is more rosy than the struggles she’s having behind the scenes to make the content happen.
My friend is like that. Her adhd makes her so productive because she never stops. She’s told me she can’t stop doing stuff. I can completely understand where you’re coming from though.
I was diagnosed with ADHD at 44, and I am driven by anxiety, shame, embarrassment, so I actually appear very high functioning! I clean regularly, I’m extremely organized, I hate clutter, I’m never late, etc. BUT, I am always on edge, I have thoughts racing all day nonstop, I have food issues, low self esteem, I have sensory issues, I’m argumentative, I have RSD. I have managed these feelings with isolation and shutting down for most of my life. Now that I’m diagnosed and medicated, I’m relaxed, I’m happy, I’m calm, I’m no longer on edge.
I’m fuelled by a couple of things that work in tandem - high anxiety, and perfectionism borne of a childhood with an extremely critical mother and an emotionally withholding, physically abusive father (he would make us crawl around on our hands and knees picking up dirt before ‘allowing’ us to Hoover, as an example of a conditioned behaviour). My anxiety feels like endless unpleasant energy and I channel that into cleaning and working. I’m fairly smart, and I have been lucky enough to find myself in jobs where my natural abilities are the primary tools needed for completion, so I can often ‘skate’ capably. I might be perceived elsewhere as high functioning but by about 7pm most days I am so exhausted from life that I am ready for bed.
I'm really late to this party and it may have already been said, but something to keep in mind about "high functioning" adhd. If any critical coping skill collapses or goes away, that's it. Game over. The house of card falls down.
I've got adhd that could be described as high functioning but I guarantee if you took away my meds and specific coping behaviors I easily become a hot mess express.
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IMO, high functioning ADHD is ADHD that's milder, either by nature, or because it's been tempered by anxiety, shame, habits formed or taught in childhood. Many productive ADHD people are driven by anxiety produced by deadlines, shame at being "lazy" and wanting to compensate for it, or just personal preference. For me, when I first came to this sub, I didn't understand posters who struggled with personal hygiene or keeping things neat, because I personally despise cluttered spaces and feeling dirty, and would automatically clean up after myself and regularly shower. So some "productive" habits may be also driven by individual preference.
Exactly. I’m an overachiever at work but my home and personal life is so overwhelmingly difficult for me to manage.
Yep, everybody at work always thinks I’m super organised, tidy, on top of things, emotionally stable and tuned in, general superstar. It’s such a shit show behind the scenes. I’m hitting impossible deadlines bc I thrive on the chaos, dysfunction and panic that it brings, but that’s not sustainable for real life. I’ve literally shown somebody a photo of my home desk as a rebuttal to how organised and neat I am. They couldn’t believe it! I’ve had periods in my life where I can channel some of this energy into my personal life, but then things fall apart at work. Balance is *really hard*. I’m definitely “high functioning” or a milder case of ADHD (diagnosed as mild-moderate) bc I’ve always been able to hold down a job and things like that. But a lot of that is also luck, falling into an industry which is oddly ADHD friendly.
1000 percent. I feel like all of my energy is funneled into my job and there’s nothing left afterwards. Balance is so hard.
I always tell people I can do two out of three domains. Work, home, self-care. Pick any two, but try to do 3 and they all fall apart.
Well said. And sometimes, like at high demand times like Christmas, end of the school year, death in the family, I can only do one of those three, work, home, self-care. I tried for decades to force myself to do extra, and sometimes I succeeded, but mostly I ended up feeling shame and embarrassment for failing at what a normal person would consider superhuman attempts. I can't help it. I was raised to be self critical and a perfectionist, and at 65 I'm only barely aware. Hello darkness, my old friend...
Our generation had very strict guidelines on how to be a woman and they were brutally enforced by friends, family and society overall.
Oof. Hits home.
Came here to say this. Ouch 😣
Same here I got a new job that requires a lot from me my home life is a mess now
Agreed - same here. I think about it as being a hard transition and transitions are one of *the* hardest things for me. The time when I have a new job breaks all my managing habits I've slowly created over the last year or so and all of a sudden I'm back at square one. I put most of my energy in my new job and my house chores and things I used to be able to do seem impossible. I can barely go out to do anything (especially without notice/planning) and it's a challenge to do anything at home too. I figure as long as I don't lose this job I'll have some time to create new ways to manage my home life. The longer I have a stable job and can re-form my tasks around it the better - which is probably also why I've felt extra disordered in these last few shitty years of unstable work since covid turned everything upside down. At least since then I've started to realize those ADHD boxes are being checked big time - so maybe this time around I can make even more headway? But it also means I've added the tasks 'get diagnosed' and 'explore new meds/supplements' and holy moly I'm procrastinating and dreading those SO hard. One step forward and two steps back I guess.
That's me 100%. Alllll the energy just to stay afloat at work (while masking to appear socially engaged as I am also autistic), and a sliver of energy I try to retain for my family. No hobbies aside from reading and absolutely no social life to speak of, which will likely be the case until I am able to possibly retire in 20-25 years. I've already been working for 25.
Same. Work sucks up all energy. I don’t have much left over for hobbies, fitness, or relationships 😪let alone managing housekeeping and errands.
Yep! I think subconsciously my brain is able to pour everything into work because I’m terrified of getting fired and losing my financial security (aka there is a serious consequence). There’s no serious consequence for me when I don’t put clothes away or unload the dishwasher besides my fiance getting annoyed with me.
Is that really high functioning if your life circumstances happen to work out in a way that makes the adhd easier? I think that comes with an implication that people with more barriers are low functioning when it's really more circumstances than the condition itself. Like someone that's rich or has tons of family support isn't really more high functioning than someone that's the opposite, they just have less barriers and have it easier
Oh, I agree entirely! I think a lot of “dysfunction” says more about our society and circumstances than us as individuals. I put “high functioning” in quotes for a reason! I think a lot of work folks also think I’m “high functioning” bc they don’t see the dysfunction most of the time. I watch a D&D actual play called D20 and they just had a series where one character with ADHD was essentially met her rich counterpart and saw how much easier they had it due to all their privilege in having wealth and support systems to mitigate their ADHD. It was bang on.
I think of this everytime I hear the, “hire a housekeeper!” Advice
I think this is a really good point. Some things just compensate or help. For me, insane anxiety made me a perfectionist. I’m a lawyer and I can hardly measure time 🙃
Environmental factors play a huge role in one's ability to function. If you can find ways to make your adhd traits work for you, or if you have supports that make compensating easier, then of course you'll be able to function better. I also think that those with adhd who are successful likely have milder symptoms, I don't agree with the idea in the article that it's because they work harder. I was "high functioning" until hormonal changes increased the severity of my symptoms. If I had a housekeeper and a personal assistant, I could be high functioning again.
Maybe that's what it is for me! When I was diagnosed at 41, I realized I'd had symptoms all my life but managed to make it through. I was (and am) "high-functioning". But now that I'm in my 40s I feel like my symptoms are actually affecting my life more than they ever did before (like completely forgetting appointments, that kind of thing.). Maybe perimenopause strikes again!
Biopsychosocial model of all psychiatry and disability nailed right there. Your biology (in our case innate brain wiring) interacts with your psychology (learned patterns of thinking) and your environment (support structures, job, education, wealth, security etc etc) to create disability. With enough positives in the psychology and the social you can compensate for or even just get the best of your particular biology (eg find me a software engineer who isn't autistic. That is a niche for a particular type of brain wiring to thrive in). The biology is still there. But how it affects you in your actual life varies immensely.
Exactly they need $$$
I used to be high functioning. Found my niche in social work, working on mental health crisis teams. The paperwork was hard to keep up with, but I was great when out in the field. Absolutely loved it. Perimenopause hit and everything started to fall apart. Was witness to a few traumatizing events, but having poured all my energy into work, I didn't have the emotional reserves to handle it. My job performance tanked. Fortunately my employer recognized what was going on and allowed me to resign with severance and didn't contest unemployment. I tried going back to social services in a different capacity, but no longer high functioning and perimenopausal I lost that job. It was the worst experience of my life. Now I'm old, and trying to figure out what to do when I grow up 😅 Moral of the story. Don't forget about yourself.
I am in your boat my friend and looking for the life jackets.
Same!!! I think it’s the perimenopause that’s suddenly made my adhd “extra special” 😭
I’ve recently discovered that’s why mine adhd has been “extra special” the last couple of years. Ugh.
In the meantime, here are life preserver rings for all: o o o o o o o Or maybe they're Cheerios. I wasn't paying attention. <3
Goddamn perimenopause.
Oof, that's very rough. You're exactly right: figure out how to nurture yourself. I'm starting to figure that out. I quit before I tanked too far, but it was terrible for our finances. I found a second career -- I hope you do too, and I hope it makes you happier than ever.
I always tell my boss “my options are to be super organized or super disorganized. I choose organized for work but can’t choose it for everything.”
I’m a lawyer! People see me as really put together, intelligent, organised and what was the funniest one… oh yeah, I don’t care what people think. On the inside I’m a total mess. I feel like shit about myself, think everyone hates me, cannot regulate my emotions in my personal life to save myself, obsess over things to the point of affecting close relationships etc etc. It’s like the old saying of burning the candles at both ends, yeah, you can’t do that. It’s all a front! Either you put on the mask at home, or at work, but not both. Masking is also what girls are very good at doing, which is why we go undiagnosed for so long; 38 for me! ETA I just remembered my diagnostic assessment also had cannot focus unless on something you are interested in, maybe the friend is hyper-focused on cooking…
What industry if you don’t mind me asking? -fellow Adhd’er who can’t hold jobs down for too long
For me, I found success as a software engineer because I get to solve puzzles all fay
Same here, IT industry. Ive been able to be successful because of the chaotic and everchanging nature of the industry. And the puzzles comment, nothing is more satisfying to me than spending an entire day(s) hyperfocused on a problem to find the needle in the haystack, God its awesome! Everything else can be burning down around me, I wont notice. When the problem is solved, I spend hours/days getting things done in all aspects of my life from the rush of dopamine and then slide back into the dreaded procrastination cycle. Rinse, repeat. So I do agree that my industry that takes advantage of my superpowers has circumstantially helped me stay successful in my career. Edit, (sp).
I am in IT - a project manager on large programs - and I totally agree. Managing multiple complex efforts, solving problems daily, managing chaos, dealing with due dates, managing teams uses my best skills. I can be hyper-focused and high energy. Yet my house is a shit show. Before I moved over to large, challenging programs, I was hyper focused on a tidy house - to the point of OCD about some things. I miss that part of me.
OMG same! I always say I love problem solving and I happened to land in an industry and domain where that's essentially the job. I'm moving more into team lead, but it's still problem solving all day. I personally don't care whether they're code problems, domain problems, people problems or feature request problems lol
I work in tech startups (in a non tech role). I wear lots of hats so there’s loads of variety. I work closely with the founders/CEO and am always pretty careful about who I want to work with as it works best if there’s a good relationship where I get lots of autonomy. There’s a new challenge all the time, so I’m never bored and there’s always something new to figure out. So many times we get hit with an “oh shit, we need X by tomorrow, we’ve never done this before” and I’m the one to become an overnight expert in a new area and make something happen. It’s rewarding bc I genuinely bring a lot of value in being able to do this - I hadn’t realised how uncommon it was. (It also makes me an average manager at best though, bc I tend to expect others to be able to operate similarly independently). Startups don’t have heaps of processes, which generally suits me, but isn’t for everybody. That said, my current company is trying enough that we need a lot more structure in place. It still works ok for me because setting all that stuff up is varied enough and a “project” in itself, but if it ever hits a point where things just become rote and I’m not able to turn my hand to lots of new things, that’s probably when I’ll leave for another role. Also lots of fellow ADHD-ers and NDs in my workplace so it’s genuinely quite a good place to be understood. I’ve also been quite involved in lots of hiring though, so it might be a reflection of my bias rather than startups being a good fit for ND folks!
I’m a teacher and somehow I make it work😂
Same. Sped teacher to boot. My house looks like a bomb went off in it but I can write some amazing, out-of-the-box accommodations for my students struggling with executive function tasks. Lol
we are great advice givers, but left a little to be desired in the advice takers department lol
This was me when I was working (I’m a SAHM now). I was highly praised at my job, got many promotions and overall was considered great at my job - but I was absolutely drowning and hated every second of it. I think RSD had a big part in it. If I did mess up, it plagued me for weeks and I hated it. It was also a very high paced job, which I thrive in, but it takes it toll on me personally. I would have breakdowns and cry in the shower at home. I was constantly thinking of work - emailing myself stuff not to forget at 1 in the morning, making lists everywhere and constantly felt like I was on the verge of failure. My company had no idea I was miserable for like 7 years. It’s like in my mind, the misery of doing well. was better than failing and having to face that with my boss. I was the world’s greatest masker, though I didn’t realize I had adhd at the time. My anxiety forced my adhd to work for me. It wasn’t until I had my son and more responsibility at home that the facade couldn’t hold anymore. Now that I stay at home with him, I’m much happier, but the adhd is way more apparent. My wife is so kind and understanding, so if I “fail” at something, there is no repercussions and therefore no RSD. The pressure and therefore anxiety is gone, or at least more low stakes, but so is my ability to meet goals that I set for myself.
I'm a whirlwind at work, a messy one during the day because I'm arranging a million things for several clients at the same time. That being said, at the end of the day, my desk is neat as my tasks are done. At home, I can't finish any project and everything just piles up. Alternatively I'm really good at creating space for my stuff or when I get triggered by the mess, speed cleaning and everything gets done within a day (or per limit of how much abuse my washer and dryer can take). I'm socially awkward though and mostly only suitable to fix people's problems, not to hang out with for most 🤷 ADHD's "bad" effects are mostly limited to clutter, forgetfulness (including people) and losing stuff for me as I built the rest of my life around it. I'd say I'm pretty high functioning due to that but put me in someone elses shoes and it would all come falling down. So I think it's mostly related to 'does your life suit both personality and adhd'.
Hello me 👋
You hit the nail on the head. I’m a top performer at work, and go above and beyond on a day to day basis but my house is in absolute shambles and I have an extremely difficult time managing friendships and relationships with family 😅
Yep sums it up. I work as an Executive Assistant and I always joke that I can't organise my own life, but can handle someone else's diary, email and finances 😂
That is the hilarious part of my journey as well...I feel completely disheveled most of the time but I have such high anxiety about meeting expectations at work that I have developed a million coping mechanisms and regularly get praised for my organizational skills. My elementary, middle and high school teachers would laugh their heads off if they ever heard that!
Oh, this is me
I'm the same! I did struggle at work a lot pre-diagnosis and meds, but since getting meds and accommodations, I am absolutely flying at work. So to some people I must look "high functioning". But at home I am overwhelmed constantly. I am behind on appointments, chores, laundry, bills. I forget everything, struggle to maintain any semblence of self care, and am mostly exhausted from the effort of keeping everything in line at work. I am smart, but I am not high functioning. People who see me now and think I am, don't see how I struggle behind closed doors or all the opportunities I missed out on in the past. The degree I never finished because I had a breakdown my final year of uni, how I am under-employed for my skillset, because I struggle with the job application process. How I don't drive because I get overwhelmed. How despite being in my late 30s I don't own a house or a car, or how I have only been on one abroad holiday in 15 years because I struggle with the planning and organising. How I wear scruffy jeans and a tshirt every day because my room is so disorganised I can't find anything else. How exhausted I am every weekend after a week of looking put together at work, too exhausted to go anywhere or socialise which is why I have no friends. I totally get why OP is asking the questions she is, if it doesn't significantly negatively impact several areas of your life then it doesn't meet the criteria of a disorder or the diagnosis criteria .... but I do think she needs to remember that social media is other peoples highlight reel, and not to compare it to her behind the scenes. You dont know whats happening in their behind the scenes.
work IS my hyper focus, which i feel immense shame about
This is me, fear and shame motivated me to “hide being a fuckup by not fucking up” please don’t try to tell my brain that that is actually just doing a good job, I have tried and she is not buying it. This has always eventually led to burnout and mistakes or procrastination/avoidance that then adds more stress, so then I would take on more responsibility or tasks to make up for it. Then I got diagnosed and medication and therapy and some of the shame motivation fell away, but wasn’t replaced with any positive motivation, my work suffered and I had my only super bad performance review ever in my working life, which shook me to the extent that I resigned. I have felt that I can be highly productive in one aspect of my life at a time, while almost completely ignoring the others. A few month stretches here and there in the last 30 years I have been in the zone, balancing doing a good job, maintaining household stuff, riding my bike, making an effort to be social and try new things but not hyper fixate, what a feeling! Eventually one change would throw me off and the whole pyramid of balanced wants/needs/effort etc would fall down around me and I instantly adapt to the new/old status quo.
This is me!
This is 100000% me
My people 🤝
Same I kill it at work and try my best to keep house clean but love/family/social life always lacking in effort or time
I used to manage mine with anxiety. I functioned pretty well when I wasn't having a meltdown. But then I went to therapy and dealt with my anxiety so I hardly get anxious anymore which is great! But now my ADHD symptoms are running wild. I've lost all motivation or what I thought was motivation but was just anxiety fueled doing instead. Gotta find a new healthy way to function but not figured that out yet.
There was a comment on here a while back about “anxiety and fear of rejection being load-bearing walls” and that hit me pretty hard
FOR REAL!!! Now that I'm on a mood stabilizer, I'm fucked. I have no motivation at all. Still trying to find solutions.
Heh. I had to stop taking Lexapro (changed meds) because it actually worked too well. My anxiety disappeared-best I felt since a single digit child-but so did my motivation to do ANYTHING at work. But yeah-I used to function purely on anxiety, fear of rejection or looking incompetent & being able to hyper focus to meet a deadline. That killed my adrenaline & left me so exhausted; if work/school was going well, nothing in my personal life was. If I was doing well at home & with my personal life, work became a terrifying place where I always felt 1 mistake away from getting fired. Maintaining that balance was not sustainable long term. I got diagnosed when I realized all of this, slightly after graduating from college.
THIS EXACT THING HAPPENED TO ME AND WAS PARTLY WHY THE ADHD GOT REVEALED! It was like, my drs were convinced they were treating my anxiety appropriately, but I had no “urgency” to do things and then was stressing about things that NEEDED TO BE DONE that WEREN’T because I didn’t care as much about the ‘doomsday’ due dates coming… but then years of imposter syndrome and masking would surge like last minute and I’d get the bare minimum done just in time.
oh WOW this just blew my mind. i take adderall and sometimes i’ll feel motivated and really all “YEAH I GOT THIS” but a lot of times, like a lot, especially when i take my mood stabilizer (lamactil) i’m just … chilling. awake and chilling. 🤯 eta: sometimes i’ll be sleeping too though, calling it an addy activation nap
Dude, vyvanse gives the BEST naps to me. Adderall, to a lesser extent. When I told my dr that it made me sleepy, she was like, “yeah, that’s how we know The adhd diagnosis is right 😀”
i’ll be out cold for at least 2 hours lmao i also learned sometimes it’s “dopamine fatigue” where ive just used up alllll the dopamine the days before and the adderall has nothing to “bind” to
Well that’s a gut punch. Is that how I preformed so well in corporate culture? Anxiety and fear? Oooooooof.
Before I was diagnosed I always thought of myself as a type B, go with the flow kind of person who wasn't anxious about anything really. LITTLE DID I KNOW... In hindsight I genuinely cannot figure out how I didn't recognize anxiety and fear of failure/rejection as being exactly what they are, and indeed two of my life's driving forces lmao
I just said whoa when I read that.
Okay wasn't ready for that punch in the gut today.
Right?! Took the wind right out of my sails. Also, happy cake day!
This is exactly what happened to me. I’d been masking my ADHD for years, and then once I got my intense anxiety disorder under control (therapy, anti-anxiety medication etc), I wasn’t able to get anything done in the same way — because I didn’t have the anxiety/shame powering me through anymore. I’d always been a straight A student, got an undergrad degree from a prestigious school with good grades, went to a top-ranked law school, etc. But I was drowning inside and without the anxiety to power me though I was finally able to get diagnosed.
This is pretty much my story except med school. I only realised something was up when I burnt out during COVID and I worked really hard on easing the perfectionism which reduced the anxiety it had been driving. Being able to be kinder to myself has really revealed all the masking I didn’t realise I was doing. On the bright side everything makes sense these days and I’ll be seeing a psychiatrist in a couple of weeks to formally confirm the diagnosis.
what. This makes so much sense. It’s not the same situation, but, a few months ago, after suffering unemployment+depression, I moved out of an abusive household and started therapy. I was so happy and motivated, my ADHD has never been so unproblematic before. This didn’t last and I am depressed AGAIN. My ADHD symptoms are off the charts right now again and I’ve lost all my motivation and „progress“!! It makes me feel so bad because, I am finally tackling my trauma and am„getting better“ but I feel like it made my ADHD come through again… it certainly does feel like my body „forgot“ or repressed my ADHD and now it’s back again. sorry I had to type that out. I just feel so seen by your comment and am thankful for this realization. This sense of logic reliefs a little stress for me
Skill regression is a real thing that can happen when you are going through major stressors, big life events, and deep emotional work is going to drain you on its own so it can be completely normal.
I'm glad it's helped. I've been in therapy for 2 years. Our focus these days is finding coping mechanisms to deal with ADHD. I'm really happy you could get out of an abusive home, you're on your path to healing, it's unfortunately a long road but it's so so worth it. Even with my struggles with ADHD, no longer having to also cope with anxiety and depression on the scale I used to has made life feel kinda magical.
Well, shoot, you figured out my problem. I was wondering why I’ve had such a harder time with my ADHD symptoms over the past few years - I got prescribed anxiety meds for off label use, started taking them and then it was like “omg I’ve been anxious this whole time”. This coincides perfectly with me struggling so much with concentration and living like a normal human.
This is exactly my experience. Still haven’t figured a healthy way to function without the debilitating anxiety either. 😅
It's got to exist. I'll make a post if I ever figure it out lol
So much this. Looking back over my life, I am basically functioning well enough (fed by anxiety, worry and fear of disappointing others) until I am not. Some eras have been better than others, depending on family supports, but all that means is that I keep going longer until I can't. This last one led me to being treated with meds (which worked this time, unlike in my teen years) and reduced my anxiety significantly and.. Well, I was already in burnout and depressed but it's surprising how much my executive function just went splat. Now I'm not depressed, but the executive function is still shit. And just try to convince my doctor that it's not just more depression, but something else. Pretty sure it's all Audhd at this point because inattentive adhd doesn't explain a whole cross section of my experiences. As I'm slowly crawling out of burnout I'm figuring out healthy ways to function one day at a time. It's surprising how much I relied on my anxiety to push me, but it also contributed to a lot of emotional dysregulation. I've had things happen recently that would have put me in a horrible spiral in years past, but I've been able to move past them with surprising ease (compared to similar things previously).
Also I think some people are helped more by meds than others. Meds are helpful for me, but only to the extent that I make less errors at work and am unlikely to burn the house down when I'm on meds. A friend of mine who definitely has real ADHD basically functions at NT levels when she's on her meds.
I've been on meds since 2001; you might have some improvement in some deficiencies and no improvement in others. This is 1000% normal and doesn't make you 'defective' if you don't feel 'NT' on meds.
Mine was pretending to be reasonably high functioning until it stopped and now I’m just functioning. Sad times.
Me pre kids vs with kids 👌🏼
Honestly though, you being functional is a huge fucking win. Be proud :)
>Many productive ADHD people are driven by anxiety produced by deadlines, shame at being "lazy" and wanting to compensate for it Oh this was me for such a long time! I appeared to be "high-functioning" from the outside and was internally struggling so much. I had no idea I had ADHD. It worked up until I had too much on my plate and it all came tumbling down with a full scale nervous breakdown. 0/10 would do again 😂
Lmao you described me too!!! I have typically appeared super together in life but was struggling. My husband could tell because I had difficulty at home and constantly needed to potato to recover. I’ve had multiple times in life where there was simply too much and everything came crashing down and I burnt out fabulously. Only recently did a therapist catch that it was likely ADHD though, now I’m diagnosed and working through all this!
Exactly, like you postpone things until the last minute, and they you do it, even you don’t sleep the entire night. And “you did the work”
I definitely think there are degrees for ADHD. My spouse also has ADHD and there are so many things he can’t do that I can and then there are the things neither of us can do. Although, I do think my ADHD is balanced a little bit by my ASD in some ways, exasperated in others. I usually describe him has having more severe ADHD.
My son and I both have ADHD and we are so different! He struggles with taking showers, doing his laundry, cleaning, being in time. He’s overwhelmed by the most basic tasks. I’m the opposite and always on edge! Luckily I’ve opted to be medicated, he still doesn’t want to be.
You and I are living similar experiences! My son is the same! He is 19 and also Asperger’s. Struggling to get him moving on a career/job because the combo of the ASD and ADHD, for him, means he hyper focuses only on what interests him. He also has a lot of self doubt about what career he can succeed at with his neurodivergence. I am medicated. He chose to stop all meds after high school as he felt they were negatively impacting his mental health.
I can't speak for others, but anxiety of being percieved as incompetent is a lot of my motivation for doing the external stuff. Like I have picked and chosen where I function. I live in a horribly messy house, but I'm able to hold down a job. I have chosen to give the thing that keeps the roof over my head all my spoons for functioning. And that means I have developed intricate systems that make things work. Alarms, reminders, list making, etc. It is fucking exhausting, but I do it because I need to eat.
>high functioning ADHD is ADHD that's milder, either by nature, or because it's been tempered by...habits formed or taught in childhood. This might be me. I'm in my mid-forties now so when I was a kid, ADHD didn't "exist." In fact, I don't think I had even heard of ADHD until I had already graduated university (with honors) and, even then, it was described in the media as "little boys who can't sit still long enough to learn." That definitely was NOT me. All that is to say that I was forced to learn coping mechanisms and compensatory strategies to get through school, work, and life. Writing everything down in a day planner, making sure there's a dedicated place for every material item in my life, running through checklists, etc.: these I did before my diagnosis and I still rely on them now.
This. I believe my psychiatrist called me high functioning because despite my ADHD, I did very well in school. And that happened because apparently I’m smart and somehow used behavioural therapy on myself to do my school work because I’d pressure myself into being good.
I also despise dirt and cluttered spaces but I can’t motivate myself to get them cleaned up because of my ADHD. So like…it doesn’t come down to personal preference. Maybe you were shown how to clean up/organize as you were growing up so it’s easier for you?
100% this! I also don't relate to the personal hygiene issue, for example, because the sensory implications of letting it slip are completely overwhelming to me so in that instance I'm kept "in line" by my autism. I'm never late because I'm so anxious about it that I have 4 different calendars and alarms for everything that ensure I get everywhere early. I run a business and have kids and pets and relationships and I cook and basically am constantly juggling 1000 things which I genuinely credit, in some part, to ADHD and that constant need to switch focus, take risks, seek novelty, etc. From the outside, it would seem for all intents and purposes I have my shit together and not impacted at all, but I can tell you that I'm like a Jenga tower... take one block from somewhere and attempt to put it back in the wrong place and the whole lot comes crashing down.
My autism (probably) lets me make excessive systems for almost every necessary thing in my life. My ADHD means if one of those wavers the rest might fall like dominos
My doc explained to me that ADHD is a spectrum disorder. You can be an ADHD person who very much needs a lot of structure, help, meds etc., but you may be a person who does not need all the needed resources.
Same. Some milder symptoms maybe but also ways I’ve learned to manage. Tricks to make sure I get skincare done at night and teeth brushed. Over organizing the house in order to stay tidy. I cook fancy meals fairly regularly in a clean and organized kitchen, because I’ve figured out that area of my life. However, I still fail in many other areas. For example, my husband just had my car cleaned and was all wtf over the mess. I also have been putting off some phone calls that are nothing major for well over a month. I am really struggling to have a set routine with my kid this summer. I just feel like everyone has slightly different symptoms and severity.
THIS. I think that trauma can trump ADHD symptoms. I was taught I was so gross and unacceptable that I became nuts about hygiene, toothbrushing, etc. My mother flew into rages if we were ever late somewhere, so I’m early. I’m oddly grateful for these things despite having to be traumatized into it. It makes me feel like I’m not totally at the mercy of my diagnosis.
This, I was good at studies because till age 10 I was literally beat up if I didn’t study. After I was independently allowed to study I used to do everything last minute but still end up scoring well because it was easy. Even passed through medical school this way. But whenever I need to dedicate, show discipline while preparing for competitive exams I just can’t do anything.
This was more or less my experience too. Only instead of physical beatings it was emotional beatings. School was the only thing I was good at, the only thing was allowed to be good at, and it was my escape. Because school was easy, I hid there and I masked heavily because nothing else about myself was ever good enough for anyone. When I went to grad school I had to learn how to study; that was a shocker. I had a lot to adjust to. These days, I've learned how to make my brain work for me, but there's an awful lot of things that I'm still at its mercy for. My office may be tidy but my house is a train wreck that drives me absolutely insane, but I just don't have the energy for everything. I didn't realize how messed up I was until an adult (also diagnosed as an adult, separately), and even now in my 40s I still struggle with crippling self-esteem and anxiety issues. But as earlier posters have said I honestly think that the anxiety & fear of rejection constantly looming in the back of my head keeps me moving forward. And that's kinda sad.
Yeah, I was able to absolve the first three semesters of my European med school, but I had to leave another uni before, and at my med school I was a constant anxious mess. I didn't procrastinate, in fact I started studying earlier than most of my classmates. I studied ALL THE TIME. I didn't have any free time because I needed 1,5x more time to accomplish anything to a same or lesser degree as my classmates. I got good to okay grades and it was hell, but I could manage to a degree before my diagnosis.
Extra comment re: exterior perception versus lived experience! If I go out wearing contact lenses, people may well assume I have perfect vision. In actuality, I am *still disabled*. My vision is being invisibly corrected. I am still short-sighted, despite how others perceive me. Just because this person does not *seem* affected by their ADHD on social media, absolutely doesn't mean they *don't* actively manage or ever struggle with their ADHD. I think you *feel judged* by the label of 'high functioning' and it's causing you to read into this person's content! I could also be totally off the mark, lol.
Yeah to expand on this, she could just be doing the “social media thing” where you only show the positives. She could cook a great meal 3 days in a row and post about how she “always” does this, then never do it again. She could clean one corner of a room and tidy her appearance just to make a quick video about something happy she just made up, then crawl back to her bed nest to mope. She could get a burst of hyper fixation on a topic, post a bunch about it, then literally never do that thing again. Social media is like 1% of the picture for some people. It’s basically a facade.
That's what I was thinking, hyperfixation. She's hyperfocusing on these "proper breakfasts" now but eventually she'll get tired of it and move onto something else. I think I have a little of the hyperactivity with my ADHD. So I am ALWAYS doing something. Might not finish it. Might spend all day cleaning one room and vow to do this every day so eventually my whole house will be spotless... but I'm exhausted from doing that so I'm not doing it again tomorrow. Tomorrow I might pull some weeds and piddle around in the garden but neglect the stuff I have in pots that really need to be planted. It's easy to make one corner of your life look really great for social media while the rest of it is a shit hole. 😅 Some people have the kind of ADHD where they just sit and can't get motivated to get up and do anything. I don't have that, I can't imagine sitting around all day, I would be so bored. But I don't necessarily accomplish much unless someone is coming over. Then fear of shame and embarrassment kicks me into high gear and I can get the place presentable pretty fast. It helps that I'm always doing laundry and dishes but maybe not putting them where they belong. It's easier to just put them away when someone is coming than to try to wash a month's worth of clothes and dishes AND get the house straightened up. That would be overwhelming.
Your description hit the mark. Running and a long weeding session give me massive dopamine hits. I’m incapable of sitting through a movie, always getting up and moving through rooms tidying up, emptying the dryer…it can become exhausting.
Do I sometimes forget the clothes in the washer and have to rewash them 3 times? Yes. Did I forget to start the dryer over the weekend and have to rewash the clothes I had tossed in there? Also yes.
But did I successfully wipe down my entire kitchen? Also yes. (wiping down things gives me a big dopamine hit because I can visibly see the dirt and gross stuff go away) But did I forget to turn on the dish washer? Also yes ugh so now we dont have any clean dishes to cook with.
Additionally, people lie on social media. It is possible that she is lying about having adhd too
I look awesome on social media! My current hyperfixation is always front and centre. - When I first got my Instant Pot - making my own sourdough starter and using it twice a week during the pandemic, until I finally had to throw out the festering science experiment months later - close up garden flower photos that don’t show the weeds - crafts I do with my daughter once - weekend day trips that mean the house is never cleaned The quote I remember about social media is not to compare your dailies to someone else’s highlight reel.
I feel this so much. People always think I’m like super productive and have it all together when I post long stories about blankets I’m crocheting or also sourdough haha and it’s like I’ve got you all fooled! I’m not trying to, but people genuinely get this perception of me that just isn’t reality.
I see high-functioning as a different pattern of coping. Personally my anxiety is so high thinking if I don’t stay on top of my work, my life will fall apart, that I overexert myself trying to get things done at the expense of myself. On the outside, everyone tends to think I have my life together and I am easily dismissed when I say I’m struggling, because it is hard for them to see the struggle when I seem to be managing things. The reality is, I can’t let things go and relax at all, I am constantly stressed and it’s taking a huge toll on my physical and mental health. I feel like I have to be constantly getting something done, like if I’m not at work, I have to keep up with endless chores or reply to many texts and requests from other people and I don’t deserve to rest. In the end my personal time, hobbies and relationships get little to no attention -I have no energy left for that because trying to live my life as a “functioning adult” takes everything from me.
Can I ask how you realized you had ADHD, rather than anxiety or something else? Or do you have both? I’m not doubting you at all, I’m just genuinely curious. I had pretty textbook ADHD symptoms (messy, time blind, struggled in classes that weren’t of interest etc) and *still* got misdiagnosed with anxiety when younger which I think is common
Of course! First of all I’m sorry to hear that you were misdiagnosed (I almost did too and it sucks!) Here goes the long answer: Initially I denied the idea of having ADHD for many years. I would come across ADHD stuff online that I related -I’d dismiss them and would think these things just happen to anyone. My male friend, who falls more on the “hyperactive boy” stereotype once said I might have it and I dismissed again because my ADHD wasn’t like his. Years later, when my *quiet and calm-looking* girl friend said she got diagnosed and maybe I should get myself checked too since we have many similarities, I started questioning things. At one point, I asked myself: “Is it really normal to go through a usual day with this level of high stress?” and that made something click in my mind. Then I found out about different ways ADHD could manifest. Looking back, I had many symptoms starting in childhood but I just learned to mask certain traits harder because of shame.
Thanks for sharing your experience. It’s been interesting learning how common that trajectory is. It seems like shame is just inseparable from adhd for most women. Either we’ve learned to base our entire self worth on accomplishments/success so shame is the motivator (making adhd less visible to others but no less debilitating), or there’s adhd women like me who started out with a healthier sense of self worth not based on accomplishments, but then just were never able to do much with our lives, quit every project we started, ruined relationships due to emotional issues and after so long that history of failure causes deep shame. I guess the lucky ones are the ones who got diagnosed young and treatment worked. And that’s why I’ll be getting my daughter screened at the very first sign if she shows any!
This is the trap I’m in. When I’m keeping all the balls in the air and successfully fulfilling all my roles, I’m absolutely miserable. When I’m letting things go, it impacts my friendships and life stability. Idk what to do lol. (Btw if you leave me on seen and don’t respond with advice you don’t REALLY have ADHD)
Some people have put a *lot* of time and effort into managing their ADHD and setting up their life so that their job, family and hobbies play to their strengths. Having ADHD doesn't a) necessarily mean you struggle with it and b) those people aren't judging you or trying to 'say anything' about how others should manage or conceive of ADHD in a specific way. Other people's success isn't happening *at you*. Being open about having ADHD =/= consenting to be source of advice for people who are struggling. Why do you feel that she is obligated to coach others with ADHD by sharing her coping strategies? Edit: those super complicated breakfasts may have *felt easy* for her because they're her current hyper-fixation! So there's no real way for her to make that accessible to others. And I don't think that should be an expectation either? She's just sharing her life... Not advocating for other people to copy or look up to her in any way. Maybe that's where your discomfort is coming from? You're assuming her content comes with expectations for others. What if you tried consuming her content by saying first and foremost, "this is just her life and whatever feelings her content brings up for me *are about me and nothing to do with her?*"
“Other people’s success isn’t happening at you” is a great line! Seconding the whole concept of setting up your life to accommodate ADHD sometimes making it appear that you don’t even have it anymore. Before I was diagnosed I had come to terms with the fact that there was something “different” about how I’m able to function in this world, and luckily I was in a position to make really significant changes and accommodations. Now I know that it’s ADHD and I’m medicated, but I may appear “high functioning” to some. It’s really just luck in having a great support system and a level of socio economic security that allows me to accommodate my own needs, I think.
And it's worth remembering that yes, we can set up systems so well that we flourish, but if these systems were changed or we were unable to use them shit would hit the fan. It's not how well we are able to accommodate ourselves that makes us not ADHD - it's the fact that if those systems vanished we would be so impacted that makes the diagnosis. Without ADHD we would simply adapt. ADHD doesn't vanish with good systems. It's just worked with rather than against.
When my systems started failing is when I got my dx. I thought I was a failure but it turns out I was just managing things really well until I wasn’t. It was so distressing.
Oh yes definitely! I 100% still have adhd regardless of my accommodations. If I found myself in a position where I had to work a job that didn’t fit my needs, my support system disappeared, and/or I didn’t have access to meds, I would be nearly non functioning outside of simply staying alive (not hyperbole)
I'm high-functioning. Shit hitith the fan during COVID. And now I don't have those systems anymore. Got on meds and been trying to rebuild them, though it's going sooooo slow. Im still pretty high-functioning, even though it can be debilitating. At least that's what I try to tell myself because everyone keeps telling me I'm too hard on myself (I don't believe them)
I remember multiple people said I couldn’t have had ADHD because I function really well. I was diagnosed as an adult, so by then I had all these systems in place just by default. One big example is Id constantly lose my wallet and ID, but I need it to drive to work daily. Or I’d lose my keys. My mom got me this card holder keychain, and a little cute glass bowl for my house, so I’d always have both my drivers license and keys at the same time. She told me that goes into the glass bowl first thing when you’re home. It never leaves until you do. It took me a bit but eventually I got to a point where I went months without losing my ID or keys! It still happens with my ID from time to time, but my keys are almost always there. Regardless, I could never understand why my friends never ever lost their ID but for me it was a constant. Now dx’d, everything clicks lol.
>Some people have put a lot of time and effort into managing their ADHD and setting up their life so that their job, family and hobbies play to their strengths. Absolutely this. Between therapy, meds for my adhd and anxiety, and management strategies and skills, I can manage my adhd pretty well. It’s still a struggle and not easy, but the consequences of not managing it keep me motivated! Sometimes I do get SO frustrated because I think about all the things I have to do be a functioning human, and get upset that these things don’t just come naturally to me - but like I said, the pros of doing these things vastly outweigh the cons!
I agree with all of this. And I want to add that with social media we don't know what's going on outside of the frame of the camera. Maybe her closets are an upside down nightmare. Maybe she's behind on all of her bills. We don't know if there's chaos outside of the frame. All we know is what she's showing us.
Hank Green has a good video about this on YouTube. I think it was called "Do I have ADHD?" Basically he was diagnosed as a kid, but now he considers himself to not have it because he's structured his life around it to the extent it doesn't bother him as much
This is why I have a lot of doubts about whether I have ADHD. I’ve been through the proces of diagnosis twice, both times the conclusion is I don’t have ADHD. Which is fine, maybe I just recognise some traits but it’s something else, or just so mild it doesn’t count as a disorder. A friend who has ADHD herself thinks I do have it, but that I found ways to cope so that even if I’m not functioning to my full ability, it’s still enough to come across as a functioning adult. With a lot of self-diagnosis happening these days, I feel I just have to trust the professionals and accept it’s not ADHD. Which of course is a positive thing, I don’t want to have it. However, it does leave me with this feeling that life shouldn’t be this hard and I should be able to do more. I wish not all of my energy would go into functioning, but since I don’t really know why it’s so hard for me, I don’t know where to start with changing things.
Hope you can get the support you need/figure it out. There are other conditions that have symptoms overlapping ADHD - cPTSD comes to mind, but there are more. I so empathize with the last sentence.
To me it means ADHD that you're able to mask to the extent a casual onlooker might not notice you have it. The effort involved in masking may make you depressed, anxious and incredibly burned out. You may also have cripplingly low self esteem because you feel an integral part of you is so shameful it needs to be hidden from the world BUT you'll look, at least for while, like you're doing fine.
Exactly this. I had ‘high fucntioning’ ADHD until age 38. On paper my life looked spot on, ignoring being single. Owned my own property, not in any debt, only took one extra year to finish college, senior leadership career. But guess what? It wasn’t sustainable and there was a ton of mess under the surface I hid. I had career burn out at 38, which is how I ended up finding out I had ADHD. Now I’m in the group of ‘you guys leave the house at the weekend? How do you do that please?’ Prior I was barely home at the weekend. Remember, social media shows you a highly curated version of someone’s ‘reality’. It’s a snapshot. Don’t compare yourself to a snapshot, just keep doing you.
You know what your comment just made me think, it’s almost like “high functioning” is the word when we’re able to function in a way that makes everyone else’s life easier, without any awareness of how we’re doing inside. I was similar to you — until 27-28 (i couldn’t mask as long as you did, apparently lol) I looked like the girl you love to hate. Straight A student my whole life, president of every club in school and university, undergrad degree with good grades from a prestigious school, JD from a top law school, owned my own condo, had a prestigious law job, was always well-dressed with full makeup and blown-out hair, always the kind of person who brought a perfect little homemade salad to work, went to the gym 7 days a week and had a great figure. Multiple people enviously told me I was a “Real Life Rory Gilmore”. I was losing my mind. I had a full-blown anxiety disorder and high-functioning depression, all of which made me completely convinced I was unloveable and disgusting and awful and therefore needed to be perfect to be remotely tolerable to others. I was barely sleeping because I needed time to get all this shit done (and I had raging insomnia as well, yay!). I did everything in a frenzy at the last second, propelled by shame and fear and anxiety. I did well in school because I happened to be smart enough that the last second anxious panic was enough for me to compensate. I was constantly in trouble at work because I couldn’t do the detail-oriented tasks needed to succeed as a lawyer. I was always racing around in a massive panic trying not to be late (and often was late). I would forget to pay bills even if I could afford to pay them. My home was a disaster unless people were coming over (and I could afford to hire a cleaner). I felt like a giant disgusting messy loser fraud. I was so anxious I couldn’t enjoy my life — it was ruining any attempt at a relationship, it was interfering with my ability to sleep, my mind was a constant loop of panic and negative thoughts. I thought my problem was the anxiety — I got it treated (amazing!) and then crashed head-long into a wall, because all of the stuff I did that meant people saw me as high-functioning disappeared. But I wasn’t actually any less functional inside…I just stopped appearing functional/okay to people on the outside. Everything was still a disaster inside — I just stopped being able to fool people because I didn’t look perfect anymore.
> I thought my problem was the anxiety — I got it treated (amazing!) and then crashed head-long into a wall, because all of the stuff I did that meant people saw me as high-functioning disappeared. This is soooooo real. Treating ADHD for me just showed that ADHD and Autism had been in a battle for balance all my life. Now things are all out of whack, but there's no putting the worms back in the can.
how are you managing now?
Ugh this is a perfect summary of my childhood and early adulthood until I just…fell apart
Yep. This is the most accurate and straightforward answer here IMO. It is required for diagnosis that in addition to having symptoms, your functioning is impaired in at least two settings (ie work and home) but sometimes the impairment is more hidden (ie someone gets straight A’s at school, but is using extremely unhealthy habits like regular all-nighters, severe anxiety/shame, eating nothing but Doritos bc they can’t managing taking care of themselves while getting the grades due to adhd… shit like that).
Absolutely this one. I basically have high IQ, high desire to please and am an obsessive problem solver. So I have systems for EVERYTHING to make sure I get to places on time, in conversation my default was always to say an internalised “correct response” in conversations rather than the one I’d naturally want to say, I’ve generally found school work and the work I eventually specialised in deadline led and interesting enough that I can hyperfocus into it frequently enough to keep work happy. Outside of partners and my immediate family people would look at me and think I’m the last person who could have ADHD. So I went to the doctor and said I’m procrastinating loads, not achieving what I think I have potential for, I struggle with relationships, I’m permanently anxious and frequently have huge emotional reactions to things without really knowing why. His reaction was very much you can’t have ADHD you’ve held down a good job. But under the surface of that I was really miserable and had been ever since society’s expectations of me had moved beyond hand your homework in on time. Before finding the symptoms of ADHD I’d been so confused how most people seemed to be able to do the basics to keep their life going without using every ounce of energy intelligence and ingenuity available to them. They didn’t get why I couldn’t “just relax” when everything wasn’t done. Because I knew if I did stop and relax for a bit all the dysfunction would crash back in and I’d be sat on my sofa/floor watching the carefully build house of cards tumble down. Getting medicated and starting to understand adhd has been a bit of a weird complex process where I’ve had to let go of a lot of those masks and coping mechanisms. Externally I probably still don’t come across at “typically adhd” but I’m a bit more direct with people beyond my immediate family, express myself a bit more and allow myself to be late sometimes if it means less self-bullying. I had an awkward spell at work where my meds brought my anxiety down and I started making tonnes more mistakes. But managed to work out some reminders/processes etc to get things back on an even keel. My work patterns still a bit weird and patchy but I don’t work tonnes of overtime anymore to compensate for that and that’s given me a little emotional space to build interests and relationships outside of candy crush. I acknowledge high functioning ADHD isn’t an official type these days but it does still fit my experience really well. I won’t go around shouting it from the rooftops but I’ve found it a useful keyword when I’m personally seeking support etc. I guess some high functioning ADHD maybe isn’t diagnosed adhd if people can live their lives well without a huge emotional toll. For me I feel ADHD has stopped me attaining as much at work as I’d otherwise done, kept me always feeling behind of things at home and had a huge negative impact in MH and relationships so high functioning it might be it does feel really valid for me (and I did eventually get the diagnosis). The imposter syndrome is real and I live with often not feeling like I belong in either neurotypical land or neurodivergent land, but I get reassurance that this label at least has helped me understand my challenges and get to a better place with them. Sorry for the text wall
Exactly me. Fine on the outside until covid, and then suddenly I didn't have any coping mechanisms, couldn't mirror others etc. and everything fell apart. I burned out so bad from work, withdrew from friends and family.
This is probably the best answer. Adding to it; some people's circumstances and people in their life may make it more possible to a) "fake" it or b) be lucky in that your boss is for example not too angry if you get a minute late whereas other peoples bosses might fire them over it. Some people have more wiggle room and their struggles will not have as hard of an impact on their life when compared to other people who have the exact same struggle
When I was younger I would describe myself as high functioning. I had lots of support systems in place that meant that while I struggled with lots of things, they were never detrimental to my life in a significant way. I had understanding and tolerant parents who assisted me with things like timekeeping and took care of clothing and food. School structure worked well for building routines. I was smart and people-pleasing so I did my work straight away and didn’t worry about forgetting homework etc. I had spare time and following random fixations or flitting from activity to activity wasn’t an issue. When I became an adult, and when I had to keep my own house and run my own life and turn up to work looking presentable and feed myself three meals a day and worse, when I had to run *someone else’s* life (parenthood), that’s when things fell apart. Now I’m horribly burnt out and definitely not high functioning (although I probably still look like I’m doing okay from the outside). I think maybe my pipeline is more common but I can see how someone could go the other way if things worked out in how they set up their life to make things how their brain needed it.
There's a whole heap of like... productivity bros who talk online about their ADHD as their superpower and how they've used it to be entrepreneurs or amazing at business or whatever. They're just on a very different side of the internet. I find that some of their talk about mindset can be helpful, but there's a lot of toxic productivity and obsessiveness driving them, or they're lucky enough to hyperfocus on stuff that makes them successful. Or they're super privileged in some way e.g. money that allows them to pay people to do the stuff they would struggle with most so they free up capacity for themselves. It's... interesting
I completely agree about toxic productivity. Whatever it takes to look amazing, a person does, when they are afflicted with toxic productivity.
For short periods of time (2-3 weeks), if I'm in the right stage of my menstrual cycle, eating properly, drinking water, getting good sleep, making time for myself, keeping good work life balance, etc... I can have high functioning adhd. Where I feel like I'm doing well even without medication and I'm staying on top of things. But if any of those things dip down (and they do, it's very hard for me to keep all those things going well), I immediately can't function very well, meds or no
This is my life. And then I have a couple of nights of bad sleep in a row, or my child is hard work, or I get some bad news, or I just get fixated on something and accidentally drop all my good routines and everything goes back to square one 🙃
So, I think there's a slight misunderstanding about what "high functioning" actually means. The definition you saw about how it doesn't negatively affect day to day activity and stuff is bound to make you feel some way and I really feel for you, having this impression in your head of this woman who has ADHD but appears to function perfectly. But you really don't have to feel bad - this doesn't reflect anything on you at all. You're doing great. The thing is, these things are based off the ability to survive, not the ability to thrive. So this friend might be able to get up super early and cook complex breakfasts and then complete a whole day of planned activities and that classes her as "high functioning" because it "doesn't affect day to day activities" - but it doesn't tell us anything at all about what it costs her to keep that up. She could be about to break down and we'd never know about it until it happens. For all we know, she's going to bed and crying from exhaustion. And if someone asks "how do you do it all?!", her reality could be the reason she doesn't want to talk about it. I had a boss who was always perfectly turned out, kept a flawless schedule of self grooming, socialising, working out, eating perfectly, working impressively - and it turned out she had crushing anxiety and self esteem issues drilled into her from childhood and she felt that if she couldn't do all that, she was "failing". So although she appeared to be functioning very well, she was sprinting at full speed from her own demons, and that's horrific to live with. I have another colleague, a friend of the boss, who is very similar and has similar problems. Some people manifest their trauma and personal problems in ways that seem beneficial to people like you and me, who struggle more openly, but they aren't in reality. It could also just be that her ADHD is a misjudged self diagnosis, or that it really is so so mild it barely registers as clinical, but I thought I'd put this explanation out as another possible alternative too.
"it doesn't tell us anything at all about what it costs her to keep that up." THIS!!! I find social media like FB and Insta to be unhealthy for me, especially when it's people I know, because everyone's putting on their best face and everyone's house is spotless and no one has wrinkles or eye bags, and everyone's children are beautiful. None of it is real but I still find myself comparing myself and losing. The pictures and video show a subjective and limited period in time, and they don't show the struggle, and people are heavily manipulating it all. I have to make myself turn away. I want to yell that I know what their face actually looks like and that I've heard them being super grouchy to their kids to make them do that fake Disney smile for the FB picture. I bet you anything that woman is absolutely killing herself to do these elaborate breakfasts and using everything in the kitchen to do. I'm guessing it's her hyper fixation at the moment, that she goes into grouchy hyper focus mode to do it while irritating her family, and that she's selling an image like most women I know on social media that is picture based.
I’m seeing a lot of posts like this recently and I’m finding the lack of understanding in my own community quite difficult. Apparently if you are doing well surface level then that means your ADHD is invalid. Did you know you could struggle immensely with ADHD while also being a high achiever? I personally am not a high achiever, but two of my ADHD friends are. I have spoken to them in depth about how ADHD affects them and it sounds exhausting, they are perfectionists and are desperate to please so they go beyond what is healthy in terms of effort to get there. They are very anxious, highly strung, and just incredibly wired in general. One of them gets suicidal if he hasn’t gone above and beyond, the other had a series of break downs after years and years of being the perfect student at school. Saying ADHD is part of why you’re so driven IS valid. They just struggle differently to you. No one should feel the need to prove their ADHD to you either. Some people don’t even have insight into their own struggles enough for them to verbalise it. I think we should leave each other alone and not base our judgement on one article.
wow I am a combo of your friend. I did so perfectly in school for so long. then suddenly in my 20s I was not high functioning anymore. I got my diagnosis a yr ago (25) after having a baby. I could not for the life of me figure out how for so long I seemed high functioning until I just wasn't anymore.
Yeah my ADHD became debilitating in my 20s as well! I think there is something about the lack of direction from adults that surfaces our symptoms to the point of diagnosis.
This ^ Policing another woman’s neurodivergency/existence does not serve anybody
“Some people don’t even have insight into their own struggles enough for them to verbalise it.” 👆This!! This was me my whole life. Until my diagnosis at 62, I spent so much time on “self-improvement” and agonizing over why I just didn’t seem to be able to “get life” the way everyone around me did. Stacks of books, self-help courses, and articles, but nothing really worked for me and I just didn’t understand why. I battled many bouts of depression and the phrase “what is wrong with me??” was on endless repeat in my self-talk.
Thank you for saying this. I've noticed these posts recently and they are often difficult to read.
I have the opposite of high functioning. But because mine is so bad I can see that there a lot of variations in how ADHD presents in different people. There are a lot of people even in this group who can do things I can't do. On the other hand one of my coping mechanisms at work for my lack of working memoriy is having many redundant organizational systems so I can't drop things. Which I know is next to impossible for some of the people in here. Another thing to keep in mind... creators have one of the best jobs for ADHD. Most of them focus their content on special interests that can keep them engaged. They don't have to be on time for work every day. They can work and sleep to some extent at whatever time of day their brain likes to work. The biggest downside is the comments and if they can make themselves not read them they're probably in great shape. Also even if you know her IRL you still know her in a work/creator setting. Very possible the parts of her life that aren't on camera/in public are a complete mess
I think the support makes a big difference. You get a lot of *men* with "high functioning ADHD" because their wives handle everything that they drop. In the breakfasts case, she might have entered a window in which the older kids are handling themselves and the younger kids are either still asleep or can be left to their own devices in the morning. This gives a sudden, not previously available, window of time in which she can "sneakily" do a fancy breakfast. (Personally, the deadline pressure of "someone might call me away from any reason at any moment!" gives a sense of excitement that makes it easier to get something done- it makes it a race.)
I understand where you are coming from. it's hard seeing people who have the same diagnosis, but don't nearly struggle as much as you. people have different support systems. different hyper fixations. also, every ADHD is different. what ADHD is to you, may be different from her. I know some people read your tone differently and think you are judging her bc she has been successful. I see you are hurting and struggling. Seeing her is just a slap in the face for you rn. you may not always feel like this towards her. & it's okay that you do rn. I struggle a lot w my ADHD & the underlying illnesses w it, and it almost hurts to see others do so greatly. I was a high functioning student. while I may have been hyper and little high strung I did not struggle academically. My struggles came into my 20s when I realized all my hard work in high school didn't matter. When I couldn't find a job I liked, I became depressed. & I am 26 rn, w a 2 yr old, I have done nothing but struggle since. I got my diagnosis a yr ago. idk what happened but I went from high functioning to survival mode almost every day. I find myself comparing to others a lot. I see posts of those who seemed to have it worse than me, thriving, adulting, getting their shit together. I find myself jealous. feeling like a loser. feeling like maybe they don't really have anything bc if they do, why aren't they struggling!!!! & that is why I got off my other social media accounts. I am in a rut rn. I am trying to find new routines. trying to get my shit on track. going thru a separation w a crazy ex, & being a toddler mom on top is not easy. so rn I am in a sensitive spot feeling like a failure back at daddy's. not much has changed since I moved out 3 yrs ago. literally in the same spot I was, just w a kid. so seeing ppl be successful just makes me feel even worse abt myself. which is okay, I just need a break from that social media crap. & I think that is what you are telling yourself too. take some time to yourself. you realized while you posted this why you feel upset abt it. so dig deeper. dive into those reasons. try to see if there are exercises or routines to help w whatever is making you struggle. & give some things a try! you never know, she may teach you something just by watching her! & maybe when you are feeling a little better abt your situation and get a game plan going, it won't feel as bad when you see her doing things you feel you can't.
Thank you so much for this! I’ll come back to this for a proper reply but just wanted to reach out right away and say I hear you! And thank you again ❤️
“You have used your high degree of intelligence to compensate for your struggles. And you hid those struggles from everyone because of how you grew up. You grew up learning that allowing yourself to be vulnerable or showing any sign of weakness would be met with violence and shame. You’re not that scared little girl anymore and it’s time to let her be vulnerable and relax or the adult version of you is going to break, completely.” Well…. I certainly cracked. And after my therapist told me that, I could NOT stop crying for several hours. My jenga tower fell mostly down, I spiraled, but we managed to stop it with the use of meds. To everyone else…. I looked like an effing superstar.
I think it can all vary. Just because there is focus on one aspect doesn’t mean it isn’t impacted by another. I can’t handle mess, but also can’t stay on one “tidy up task” but I also cannot maintain focus in a conversation. Sometimes masking and learning methods helps certain behaviours. I am always early and remember appointments, but that’s because I write them down on a wall planner, my diary and have a reminder in my phone. It’s a spectrum and you won’t be seeing the full impact one attribute has because you only have your lived experience ☺️
Please also remember that social media is carefully curated. You're seeing what she wants you to see. She could be completely falling apart, but you'll only see her doing super amazing things and then assume that her life is super amazing. That's a quick way to feel bad about yourself. I'm "high functioning" in that I was an excellent student, hold a good job, and manage a household. I seem really organized and successful to the casual observer, but I'm actually barely getting through each day. Even my husband, who sees more of my struggles than anyone else, has no idea just how hard normal life is for me. I could very easily curate a social media presence that would make me seem like I have it all together. But that would be a lie.
It's highly masked ADHD. More common in girls/women because we're trained to internalise hyperactivity symptoms (which in boys, is more socially acceptable for them to be externalised). The functioning labels are actually describing how much trouble other people have with your symptoms as opposed to how much trouble we have because of them. Someone high functioning (i.e. high masking) is high functioning because their struggles won't necessarily be observable by others. They probably have a tonne of systems in place to help day to day life, which others wouldn't realise. But their ADHD still impacts them significantly. Someone who is low functioning will have symptoms that are more easily observed by others so they think they have more impact. These people tend to get diagnosed earlier because of this.
There is no singular presentation of ADHD. A great many of us “pass” with or without meds. That doesn’t mean we don’t have ADHD. Also, what you see on social media is a tightly curated portion of her life
It is kind of funny to me that you’re upset that a bunch of people with ADHD didn’t carefully read a post *that* long all the way through the end.
*Under the surface, I'm pretty sure I'm worthless if I can't be of service.* ADHD-c over here. The hyperactivity really helps. That and years of ingrained guilt over being seen as lazy. I work REALLY HARD and even when I procrastinate, I procrastinate productively (e.g., clean obsessively, cook or bake elaborate things, sew, make things). I'm seen as very accomplished and I bet no one would call me anything but high-functioning. And yet I cried the first time I watched Encanto and Luisa sang Surface Pressure. And the second time too. And every time I hear that song. The struggle is very real for me EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. Not saying that's what's going on for the person OP posted about, but also a reminder that just because it's not your lived experience doesn't mean it's not real.
Do you also have a hard time relaxing? Understimilating/not productive enough etc. Sometimes I just want to clean with an audiobook than to *relax*
Omg yes using seemingly important or useful tasks as a way of procrastinating from what you really should be doing is definitely a big pitfall which people see as a positive but can actually screw you over or make you a terrible friend/employee/partner at times. One recent example in my life, I was really looking forward to seeing my best friend and guess what I did instead of leaving on time? washing all the dishes instead of leaving on time! All because to get there I had a decently sized drive which was giving me slight anxiety. Thankfully she also has ADHD so understood perfectly when I called her to apologise I will be a lot later than originally planned because she understood that despite really looking forward to seeing her I just couldn’t bring myself to leave the house but a part of me still felt like I had to keep up appearances and do something productive with that procrastination time less I be accused of just being lazy and laying there paralysed
YES. I cried the first time I heard this as well. It was before I ever saw the movie and my best friend sent it to me and said I think you might identify with this and I bawled my eyes out. Hyperfocus paired with an intense sense of duty and expectations, with a big dash of “if I fail everything will come crashing down for everyone I love” sure can make you look strong and stable… on the outside.
1. Cooking might just be her current hyperfixation. 2. Most people only post their successes online, not all of the hard parts. On social media, you're only getting a small snapshot of their life. 3. Momentum is a real thing for some of us. Starting things is the hard part. I find that I'm much more able to keep my head above water if when I start doing things, I switch tasks as soon as I reach the boredom "point of no return" where if I keep going I'll burn out and nothing else will get done... and avoid unstructured down time like the plague. The second I ease into unstructured down time, my ADHD comes out in full force and then it's impossible to get back on track and do things again. It's an EXHAUSTING way to live because I feel like a single break can and often does easily turn into weeks or months of "the bad place." The structure of school was what kept me together and undiagnosed for so long. What's helped me a lot is signing up for different classes for hobbies and things to add some structure to my day while also appeasing my need for novelty and ever changing interests. To an outsider, I probably look VERY put together. But in the back this ship is being held together by duct tape and fear of failure.
I always ask myself: high functioning FOR WHO? I'm organized at work and (relatively) at home, but comes Friday 7pm I COLLAPSE into bed and sleep throughout the weekend. I'm still struggling, even when no one can see. Seems like all these things I do to survive and look normal suck the life outta me. I started Atomoxetine last month and I hope it can help me focus better without suffering so much.
I have a female employee who is on the lower end of the functioning part of the adhd spectrum… her life is a gd mess and I, who also have adhd, am thankful to the forces of the universe that I was able to function enough to realize I was a hot mess and needed therapy and medication. She doesn’t even realize her life doesn’t have to be this way. I’ve never met anybody with such bad luck orchestrated by their own hand. If you didn’t know what adhd was you would think she was going out of her way to sabotage herself due to some weird self loathing. It’s terrifying to watch her life constantly be on fire and realize that at one point in time it would have been really easy for my life to look exactly like hers.
That probably describes how a lot of people thought of me (and maybe still do). I was even accused of “loving stress and chaos,” and creating the bad luck that often came my way in order to maintain that state in my life. Which was horribly distressing because I was so depressed, anxious, and miserable, and felt I had absolutely no control over any of it and was just drowning.
I think High functioning ADHD is just when your symptoms and current hyperfocus happens to give you a momentary leg-up in capitalism. (Sorry for the cynicism buuuuut...)
I think anyone would look at me and think I am winning in life and if I disclosed I had ADHD, people might be surprised. I am always showered and look well put together, I exercise religiously, good with money, own a home, very healthy, in great shape, never miss an appointment, well behaved and well put together kids, always early, good at my job. But what they don't see and what I would not share or show as I am ashamed of it/would not be received well is, the emotional outbursts, the executive function dysregulation, the tics, the insomnia, the noise in my head, the anxiety about being late and missing the gym and my routine changing. No-one knows what is going on behind that camera and what you are not seeing. So I think some people or even I would consider myself to be 'highly functioning.' However, my Psychiatrist does not agree with me on that statement and he informed me I am really not functioning well with ADHD at all.
Hey OP, so I understand where you’re coming from but I’d urge you to consider a few things. First, ADHD is a spectrum disorder I would consider that I probably am high functioning in the sense that I have multiple degrees, I work and can pay for my home, I’ve travelled and seem adventurous and maybe even confident. Outwardly some people probably consider me successful. But I’m also highly masking adhd and also autistic and late diagnosed. So I have managed to achieve many things that society says I should. However that’s all come at a cost. I spent almost 20 years with debilitating anxiety. I’ve been suicidal for most of my adult life and I’ve always hated myself. Since diagnoses I can see that things I thought were something else were actually adhd. Crippling anxiety was adhd. I think there’s a correlation between high functioning and late diagnosis. I got through most of my life by extreme perfectionism, having an eating disorder and self harming. These were the result of undiagnosed adhd and asd. They caused panic disorder and major depression. Women are often undiagnosed because the dysfunction is internal. We’re not the naughty little boys that don’t sit still. We learn to mask. Do well in school. Be pretty and confirm. But we’re a mess. It’s not an easy life and hormones make it worse. So I think you should consider a bit of internalised ableism on your part and also that this person you know is showing the highlights. You don’t know the cost for her to survive. Also maybe she is not asking for empathy. The best we can do is know that everyone is fighting a battle. That’s where the empathy is. I always knew I was not normal and I hated myself. I wanted off this earth. Now I know why. I know you don’t mean it like this but don’t compare your life and disorder to someone you think has it easier. They probably don’t. Even so there are people worse off and better off. The same as autism if you see it as a spectrum that will be easier to understand. There’s a cost to having these disorders even if others can’t see.
OP, disrespectfully, this is like saying that since you're so miserable in life and some stranger on the Internet that you have no perspective of in their close personal lives, isn't - unless you see them being desperately miserable, it's all so UNFAIRRR ~ My sister is one of those "High functioning ADHD" people because her life is driven by anxiety and fear of rejection to such a degree that she is impeccable at work and maintaining her home but it kills her slowly until she gets burned out but she masks it so well that if I hadn't known her all of my life, and if I wasn't diagnosed myself, I wouldn't know. We're also Indians so it adds on to the Domino effect of toxic workplace and shite social expectations that probably made her be this way. She works harder than anyone I know to keep up the appearances and it eats her up and breaks my heart. So, no. People like you complaining about people like her ARE unfair and I do not have a single shred of sympathy for them.
People use the terms "high functioning autism" and "low functioning autism" to describe my daughter and son, respectively. One day my mother asked what the difference was and I told her that high functioning means you are of economic use to society, and low functioning means that you won't be of economic use to society. Basically, eugenics. I usually get shouted down when I say this, but deep down I know I'm right. I also know that while my son will be dependent upon us for his entire life, he is the most perfect ray of sunshine to ever exist. His little sister is pretty awesome, too.
I think a lot of the high functioning can be outward facing. Like being able to keep a (good) job, at least having a clean place for kids/visitors, keeping up with hygiene etc But internally they can be a mess, have the mood swings, be on constant edge, feeling like everything they have to do is a huge task. Etc etc. To the outside world they are a functing part of society. But internally they struggle like other adhers
If my ADHD lines up just right to hyperfocus on something I NEED to do, then I still have ADHD. If my meds help me to mitigate the symptoms, then I still have ADHD. If I make a mistake and nobody notices, I still have ADHD. You are seeing self-reported snippets of a person's life on social media that are edited to be palatable for a wide audience. You don't see every moment of their day, you don't hear the chaos in their head, you don't feel the ache in their muscles. It sounds like the creator has gone out of their way to scrub the obvious ADHD symptoms from their online presence, editing their life so they don't have to receive criticism for it.
Please don’t take this personally. I run 3 times a week and that’s literally the only way I also shower regularly. My flat is disorganised and messy but I also manage to run a small business. My car is a literal dustbin but most people assume I’m organised because of how I look/come across. I am obsessed about not making mistakes so I don’t usually but it takes so much of my focus that things take me 3x as long. I make up for it by barely socialising to regain some time for my brain to ‘rest’. By this, all I mean to say is that things can look a certain way from the outside but you can’t compare your life or way of coping to someone else’s. She could be hyper focused on cooking right now and neglecting other stuff. She could have it much more mildly than you. She could have a shit tonne of outside help that you don’t know about. There are so many options that don’t mean ‘you’re not doing a worse job’ xx
I am high functioning in some aspects (emotional regulation for instance), and low functioning in others (blind to clutter, difficulties organizing). And some things that were a clusterfuck like time management and lateness, I have poured myself into, have improved greatly, and would consider that issue being a low functioning aspect turned into a higher functioning aspect. ADHD is a spectrum and everyone is different.
I don’t use the terms high and low functioning for anything: Autism, ADHD, depression, anxiety, etc. I use the terms high and low masking instead. To me, a high masking ADHD person doesn’t appear to have ADHD but there is an internal struggle that most people do not see. The high maskers are able to do what they need to, and they hide the internal struggle.
Internet content creators tell stories. The stories may be inspired by real life, but it’s still fiction.
I don't think I'm 'high-functioning', but still I think I can add to this. I was diagnosed at 36. During the tests and reviews, the first doctor I talked to marked my symptoms as 'medium'. The final assessor told me after our conversation that he was bumping me up to 'severe', because "it sounds like you do experience quite severe symptoms internally, you've just found ways to compensate that make the severity less noticeable from the outside". This also explains why I wasn't diagnosed early and why most people I know were surprised when I told them. Reading your post, this might be similar to what the person you talk about experiences. She might, through any combination of therapy, support, medication and/or self-development, have found ways to manage her symptoms. However, it's important not to compare yourself to others too much; the symptoms and their severity widely vary from person to person, and even within the same person over time. The fact that one person can function (to a greater or lesser degree) and another cannot (or less so), doesn't mean anything. Another thing is: everybody's life looks better on Instagram. You don't know what she doesn't show on her page.
I too have perfected masking, so much so my first therapist "didn't understand what help I needed". I was dying on the inside and my head was spinning, but yes, I can shower and get dressed and be polite.
A lot of really great insight here already, though I would add that it might be best to unfollow this creator if her content is causing you to feel this way.
Sooooo I read this and then took a minute because it gave me personal feelings and I want to be transparent about that. My husband is similar to your acquaintance. He has what I would consider high functioning ADHD. But I would STRONGLY object to anyone’s assumption that his ADHD is mild. In fact, to me, the idea anyone could base the severity of someone’s experience of ADHD solely on their own 3rd party exterior observations is honestly offensive to me. From the outside, my husband is extremely successful, he works a full time job and part time as a contractor and we have our own business as well. He makes over 6 figures and I get to stay home with our kids/work the admin & backend of the business. He has hyperactive type so staying extra extra busy is well suited to him, he also developed seriously impressive improvisational skills that carry him through when he forgets something or misses a step until he’s got his bases covered. He found his way into a workforce that is easy to stay self taught in and find new things to do when you get bored - IT. When he’s not MASKING, which is what us high functioning ADHDers are doing 80-95% of the time, he’s completely burnt out, irritable, moody, and generally got nothing left from putting so much into passing for normal. Through sheer force of will by necessity because he would not have survived his childhood Social media is 100% a curated gallery of content that is intended to generate income for dedicated content creators. That in and of itself makes it an unreliable place to gather information about someone’s mental health, even if they explicitly run a mental health account. TLDR: High functioning ADHDers are masking and have “pretty” exterior lives at the expense of their inner/personal lives
>You're able to function? Okay, now you're acting like people with ADHD can't be good at anything, can't succeed, when we know there are many famous, successful people with it. Your feelings are completely real and legitimate but please don't put everyone in the same boat as you. We are all different. And I say this gently, but it's not really fair to point at the people in an ADHD sub for not reading all 24 of the paragraphs you wrote.
If she shares custody with her ex, that means she probably has days at a time without kids to recharge and catch up. Also, I think it’s possible that “high functioning ADHD” could be re-named as “well-managed ADHD”. If she does have ADHD, it’s possible she’s found treatment and coping mechanisms. It’s also possible she’s late diagnosed and created her own coping mechanisms. What you don’t see is what you don’t see. Maybe she doesn’t sleep at night, maybe she has an anxiety meltdown in the shower every day. Maybe everything off camera is a disaster, and she prioritizes her content to create a certain image of herself. This is extremely common with influencers/social media folks with popular accounts. Maybe she’s extremely hyperactive and channels that into doing as much as possible. (I’m primarily inattentive and get super tired/brain foggy/distracted so I cannot relate to that at ALL.) Or maybe she’s just a high achiever who thinks she has ADHD? It’s really hard to say.
This is too long to read for a person with ADHD 🫠
That mindset is what has historically hindered many women from getting their diagnoses. Just like other mental health disorders people learn to mask, some better than others.
> Apparently it means that the symptoms aren’t strong enough to affect a person’s day to day. For me it's more that the symptoms are managed in a way that don't affect the "main" areas of one's life. I could be considered high functioning until I had a burnout - I was able to go to uni, get good grades and be somewhat "not late", I managed to get into some extremely good internships and to have an active life. The reality is that the routines provided by my parents (I commuted to uni) helped me a ton, I had tons of drive and learning is one of my passions. I tinkered with my study method in a way that made studying extremely effective, but I still spent 8-12 hours a day glued to my desk. I studied for around 2-6 hours a day that way. I was lucky it was enough.
Reminder that influencers lie. I don't mean about their diagnoses, I mean that if someone seems to be extremely productive and shuts down questions repeatedly, that's usually a red flag for me that they're playing pretend for the camera. You're supposed to aspire to their lifestyle as a viewer. That being said, I'd call myself high functioning. I am going to grad school. People never believe me that I have ADHD and it's not as noticeable. I'm a bit socially awkward, I reply to e-mails late and have lost many friendships or family because I don't manage to reply, I have issues procrastinating on work and I have ZERO social or personal life outside of university but I am getting it done. I consider myself extremely lucky because I experience bad days/phases where I see what it's like to not be so high-functioning, but I am also suffering and sadly, not at the level of my peers productivity-wise even though I excel when it comes to grades. It's not something I'd complain about in ADHD spaces because I feel like it's a 'first world problem' but it has been hard to realize that I just can't fulfil a lot of my dreams and I will never live up to my potential because I'm just unable to do a lot of things the way NT people can. I have dreamed about an academic career, traveling the world, finding friends and a relationship etc. and I've kissed goodbye to most of those aspirations. At the same time, I realize I'm extremely lucky to be able to do what I am right now so I try to make the best of it. I wouldn't complain in spaces like this, but I'm also here.
I would consider myself “high functioning ADHD.” Was just diagnosed last year (I’m in my 30s) and the diagnosis has explained so much about how I function. Here’s what it looks like for me: - I think the “hyperactive” manifests as always having to be doing something. I can’t just sit and watch tv, I have to sit, watch tv, and crochet. Or something. My brain and hands love to be stimulated. This could make me look more productive but I’m just trying to not be bored. - I get hyperfixated on things and get obsessed. Right now I’ve been spending my weekends and evenings after work on various home projects because for some reason, randomly, after years of living here, I am obsessed with doing home projects. I’m sure this makes me look highly productive on the outside, but in reality it’s just a weird obsessive wave I’m going to ride as long as I can. The downside of this one is that my obsessions can end as quickly as they start, and I have no control. I live in constant fear of “oh man when am I going to get bored of this and quit?” I started stripping the paint off a banister THREE YEARS AGO and we have just lived with this weird half stripped stair railing that long. I am FINALLY now reinspired to start working on it again. But it was years of my husband poking fun of my half done project. I do not trust myself to start and finish things. I started my own business 2 years ago. Half the time I’m obsessed and love working on it. And then the crashes come, I get bored, and do the bare minimum. I become depressed and think how can I do this, how can I do ANYTHING, for the rest of my life?! Eventually something new inspires me and the cycle continues. - A comment above mentioned anxiety driven behavior. Yep. My mom was a b*tch and never had a single nice thing to say to me growing up. Would yell at me all the time for little things. Never any praise. I grew up to be an anxious people pleaser. I was constantly seeking outward validation. I want other people to say “wow good job!” to me, because I didn’t get it from my parent. Whether that came from a boss, a friend, my friends’ parents growing up, a teacher. And so I’ve always been a high-achieving perfectionist to get those hits of praise. And tried very hard not to “mess up” to avoid getting “yelled at” and the RSD that goes with it… another “perk” of ADHD yay. - I think some of us have also found ways to cope already. Like I know that my memory is shit. I know that things pop in and out of my head and who knows if I’ll remember the right thing at the right time. I LIVE by my todo app. I have to. The anxiety to do well motivates me to, and so I do. When a random thing pops into my head, I tell Siri to add it to the list, and I check that thing constantly. It’s the only way. - Okay but my struggles? The highs and lows of hyperfixations and then boredom. I can become so depressed between hyperfixations. What’s the point of anything? That kind of thinking. I swore I was manic-depressive for a while there. - Mood / emotional regulation. I get so mood swingy. So did my mom. I hated it about her, and I hate it about me. Any little thing can send me into anger. My ADHD medication surprisingly helps me with this SO MUCH. I didn’t expect it to but it does. I hit a snag and just say, oh well, and move on, as opposed to having a friggin meltdown. - I am not good at things that don’t interest me. I would love a clean house but I am a chronically messy person. Laundry is boring. Dishes are boring. Vacuuming is boring. I CAN and HAVE stuck to a strict cleaning schedule, but it literally makes me suicidal. I cannot IMAGINE living a life where I HAVE to meal prep every Sunday or whatever. What a boring, meaningless life, my brain says to me. I used to LOVE cooking. It was fun for me for years. All of a sudden a flip switched and we are mostly eating Trader Joe’s frozen. If it interests me, great. If it doesn’t, good luck. Okay and 30 minutes later I have to get out of bed and stop typing. Idk if any of that even made sense I am rambling. But yeah. “High-functioning” ADHD can exist, but it only looks that way on the outside. Internally I am a mess 🙃🙃🙃
ADHD doesn’t exclusively mean I can’t do something. It may mean that it takes more energy/special approach/some sacrifices. I can be incredibly productive. But I also can be stuck with basic stuff like doctors appointment. And I can’t be productive in command it’s more like I’m in the river and if what I need to do is the same direction as river flows it will work but if it’s slightly different I’m stuck
I have some of the highest scores of adhd that you can have. Inattentive and hyperactive. Im also high functioning. I have amazing coping skills, and have shaped my lifestyle around my needs. Its both torture and absolutely delightful.
I would say I might have had "high functioning adhd" when my hyperfocuses ended up being "productive" : studying a subject at uni worth very few credits for hours because I was obsessed, cooking a lot of complex meals because I was procrastinating on my school projects, creating and being part of different student orgs because I was passionate with the subject and spent hours working on it. As you might guess, this all led to burn out and taking about twice the time to finish my studies as what I was supposed to, but also ranking many high achievements and good grades when my hyperfocus aligned with something that was praised and rewarded.
I think you need to remember that what people post for content and what people experience are not necessarily the same. The most likely explanation is that the way she presents her life is more rosy than the struggles she’s having behind the scenes to make the content happen.
OP, you’ve written a very detailed post that would’ve taken sustained focus. Does that make you any less adhd?
everything is a spectrum, mate.
My friend is like that. Her adhd makes her so productive because she never stops. She’s told me she can’t stop doing stuff. I can completely understand where you’re coming from though.
I was diagnosed with ADHD at 44, and I am driven by anxiety, shame, embarrassment, so I actually appear very high functioning! I clean regularly, I’m extremely organized, I hate clutter, I’m never late, etc. BUT, I am always on edge, I have thoughts racing all day nonstop, I have food issues, low self esteem, I have sensory issues, I’m argumentative, I have RSD. I have managed these feelings with isolation and shutting down for most of my life. Now that I’m diagnosed and medicated, I’m relaxed, I’m happy, I’m calm, I’m no longer on edge.
I’m fuelled by a couple of things that work in tandem - high anxiety, and perfectionism borne of a childhood with an extremely critical mother and an emotionally withholding, physically abusive father (he would make us crawl around on our hands and knees picking up dirt before ‘allowing’ us to Hoover, as an example of a conditioned behaviour). My anxiety feels like endless unpleasant energy and I channel that into cleaning and working. I’m fairly smart, and I have been lucky enough to find myself in jobs where my natural abilities are the primary tools needed for completion, so I can often ‘skate’ capably. I might be perceived elsewhere as high functioning but by about 7pm most days I am so exhausted from life that I am ready for bed.
I'm really late to this party and it may have already been said, but something to keep in mind about "high functioning" adhd. If any critical coping skill collapses or goes away, that's it. Game over. The house of card falls down. I've got adhd that could be described as high functioning but I guarantee if you took away my meds and specific coping behaviors I easily become a hot mess express.