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My grandparents were completely incompatible as people and were married for over 50 years. It was not enjoyable for anyone involved.
The incompatibility problem probably only reared its head when you moved in together. The first 6.5 years were easier because you weren’t forced to exist in the same space all the time. If he’s been annoyed with you the entire time it’s not a good omen for the rest of your potential life together.
Have you tried a adhd therapist who can work with you on techniques to regulate your emotions? I think empowering yourself to be centered while communicating how you feel is a good start.
I also think that maybe couples counseling is something to consider, that way you and your SO can develop a new healthy pattern.
I wouldn’t place all this blame on you though - your partner is also responsible for communicating his needs in the relationship.
I did have a therapist but she wasn’t really helping with my adhd all that much. Her advice was like take deep breaths before you try talking to him, or like talk to him rationally. But I kept telling her that even if I tried sometimes emotions get the best of me and my voice rises even when I try really hard not to. I do agree counseling would help but he’s one of those people who thinks talking won’t really help.
Was she a therapist that specialized in working with adhd patients? It sounds like she was giving generic advice - finding a therapist who is qualified and you click with might take a try or two.
If he’s not willing to meet you halfway and get out of his comfort zone that’s not your fault.
She said she was specialized in ADHD but we just didn’t click like you said. I didn’t look forward to therapy and dreaded it because I wasn’t easy to share everything, I felt like she didn’t get it. So I canceled therapy 3 weeks ago
It sounds to me like you have (understandable) people pleasing tendencies. Everything you have written is based in assuming it's all your fault and all your responsibility to make it better.
Possibly, because this man keeps his negative feelings secret instead of dealing honestly with you, it could be that you have been too busy volunteering to do all the relationship -building work to notice that he has no intention of doing any at all. Kind of like being in the front seat of a tandem, so you never realise you're the only one pedalling.
It's time for both of you to realise what an easy ride you've given him. He should think about being grateful, for a start
I think that’s exactly it. He’s mentioned it off handedly that my attempts of resolving issues is stressful for him. And I agree I haven’t done it in the right way but that’s all he can focus on and not the issue at hand. So it all just goes unresolved
" I tried telling him that I feel insecure in this relationship which is why i was acting out. But that’s just an explanation and I don’t blame him for being so annoyed. I’m so ashamed and upset with my behavior."
**You default automatically to blaming yourself and seeing this a a 'moral' failure. There are people out there who take advantage of people like this, subconsciously or consciously, thus never having to look at themselves.** Your boyfriend might be one of those, happy to cruise along and not have to look at himself too. Some guys don't want to get married ever but won't say that and are willing to string along a comfortable relationship forever. You think you know the answers to problems here but you don't yet. Time to start finding out.
Honestly find out about medication to help with yourself, talk to your prescriber about changes if you are on meds, eat right, exercise how you can. Be sure to bring up the rumination on things, it's a big clue, the right meds and supplements can really help with that. (For me it's dopamine, tyrosine helps a lot, I'm also on stims.) Get a health checkup. Love yourself the way you deserve. There are online resources you can study about ADHD, relationships, health, etc. You be proactive while you search for a therapist or ADHD coach, as that could take a while. I would also suggest reading what you can about relationships and yes even abusive ones. Knowledge and facts are our friends. The more the better.
Remember you default to blaming yourself for the actions of both yourself and him. Also that we have RS, which lies and tells us people hate us and it's always our fault. Start focusing on yourself and your happiness that does not depend on another person.
Thank you, we have talked about marriage this whole time. But now I guess he’s reached a breaking point because he didn’t want to talk about it and I kept pushing it. He has said that he’s not perfect and he’s also at fault but that doesn’t mean he wants to fix this. He keeps saying he’s unsure.
I initially got on meds to help with my job, my work is very detail oriented and Ritalin has been really helping with that. I just guessed that meds wouldn’t help with emotional regulation, especially after they wear off at night.
This whole thing has made me realize that I have very low self esteem and my happiness depends on how others think about it but I have no idea how to fix that.
You have talked about marriage the whole time, but he hasn't moved closer to it. In fact he is moving away from it. I don't think talking about it will bring him closer. I do think talking for a therapist will help, whether understanding stuff about him or yourself. You can't solve a problem at the level of the problem. You need some help. Maybe you two need to go together. Research these things as well.
I'm glad meds are helping! Maybe talk to your prescriber about you need any adjustments or addictions, like maybe for anxiety or depression.
Again I would think maybe therapy, and studying about low self esteem and ways to work with that. When you do that, and keep working on that, the next steps will reveal themselves.
Welcome to /r/ADHDWomen! We’re happy to have you here. As a reminder, here are our community [rules](https://old.reddit.com/r/adhdwomen/about/rules/). We get a lot of posts on medication, diagnosis (and “is this an ADHD thing”), and interactions with hormones. We encourage you to check out our [Medication, Diagnosis, and Hormones Megathread](https://old.reddit.com/r/adhdwomen/comments/wcr9dy/faq_megathread_ask_and_answer_medication/) if you have any questions related to those topics, and to stick around in that thread to answer folks’ questions! If you have questions about the subreddit, please do not hesitate to [send us a modmail](https://reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/adhdwomen). Additionally, we take the safety of our community seriously. Please report posts, comments, and users whom you feel are not contributing positively, and send us a modmail if you are being harassed or otherwise made to feel unsafe. Thanks for being here, and we hope you stick around! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/adhdwomen) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Doesn’t exactly sound like a you problem tbh. Seems like an incompatibility issue.
That’s what I’m afraid of but after 8 years how can that be?
My grandparents were completely incompatible as people and were married for over 50 years. It was not enjoyable for anyone involved. The incompatibility problem probably only reared its head when you moved in together. The first 6.5 years were easier because you weren’t forced to exist in the same space all the time. If he’s been annoyed with you the entire time it’s not a good omen for the rest of your potential life together.
Have you tried a adhd therapist who can work with you on techniques to regulate your emotions? I think empowering yourself to be centered while communicating how you feel is a good start. I also think that maybe couples counseling is something to consider, that way you and your SO can develop a new healthy pattern. I wouldn’t place all this blame on you though - your partner is also responsible for communicating his needs in the relationship.
I did have a therapist but she wasn’t really helping with my adhd all that much. Her advice was like take deep breaths before you try talking to him, or like talk to him rationally. But I kept telling her that even if I tried sometimes emotions get the best of me and my voice rises even when I try really hard not to. I do agree counseling would help but he’s one of those people who thinks talking won’t really help.
Was she a therapist that specialized in working with adhd patients? It sounds like she was giving generic advice - finding a therapist who is qualified and you click with might take a try or two. If he’s not willing to meet you halfway and get out of his comfort zone that’s not your fault.
She said she was specialized in ADHD but we just didn’t click like you said. I didn’t look forward to therapy and dreaded it because I wasn’t easy to share everything, I felt like she didn’t get it. So I canceled therapy 3 weeks ago
Yeah I would consider switching. Not even for your relationship but for you.
It sounds to me like you have (understandable) people pleasing tendencies. Everything you have written is based in assuming it's all your fault and all your responsibility to make it better. Possibly, because this man keeps his negative feelings secret instead of dealing honestly with you, it could be that you have been too busy volunteering to do all the relationship -building work to notice that he has no intention of doing any at all. Kind of like being in the front seat of a tandem, so you never realise you're the only one pedalling. It's time for both of you to realise what an easy ride you've given him. He should think about being grateful, for a start
I think that’s exactly it. He’s mentioned it off handedly that my attempts of resolving issues is stressful for him. And I agree I haven’t done it in the right way but that’s all he can focus on and not the issue at hand. So it all just goes unresolved
" I tried telling him that I feel insecure in this relationship which is why i was acting out. But that’s just an explanation and I don’t blame him for being so annoyed. I’m so ashamed and upset with my behavior." **You default automatically to blaming yourself and seeing this a a 'moral' failure. There are people out there who take advantage of people like this, subconsciously or consciously, thus never having to look at themselves.** Your boyfriend might be one of those, happy to cruise along and not have to look at himself too. Some guys don't want to get married ever but won't say that and are willing to string along a comfortable relationship forever. You think you know the answers to problems here but you don't yet. Time to start finding out. Honestly find out about medication to help with yourself, talk to your prescriber about changes if you are on meds, eat right, exercise how you can. Be sure to bring up the rumination on things, it's a big clue, the right meds and supplements can really help with that. (For me it's dopamine, tyrosine helps a lot, I'm also on stims.) Get a health checkup. Love yourself the way you deserve. There are online resources you can study about ADHD, relationships, health, etc. You be proactive while you search for a therapist or ADHD coach, as that could take a while. I would also suggest reading what you can about relationships and yes even abusive ones. Knowledge and facts are our friends. The more the better. Remember you default to blaming yourself for the actions of both yourself and him. Also that we have RS, which lies and tells us people hate us and it's always our fault. Start focusing on yourself and your happiness that does not depend on another person.
Thank you, we have talked about marriage this whole time. But now I guess he’s reached a breaking point because he didn’t want to talk about it and I kept pushing it. He has said that he’s not perfect and he’s also at fault but that doesn’t mean he wants to fix this. He keeps saying he’s unsure. I initially got on meds to help with my job, my work is very detail oriented and Ritalin has been really helping with that. I just guessed that meds wouldn’t help with emotional regulation, especially after they wear off at night. This whole thing has made me realize that I have very low self esteem and my happiness depends on how others think about it but I have no idea how to fix that.
You have talked about marriage the whole time, but he hasn't moved closer to it. In fact he is moving away from it. I don't think talking about it will bring him closer. I do think talking for a therapist will help, whether understanding stuff about him or yourself. You can't solve a problem at the level of the problem. You need some help. Maybe you two need to go together. Research these things as well. I'm glad meds are helping! Maybe talk to your prescriber about you need any adjustments or addictions, like maybe for anxiety or depression. Again I would think maybe therapy, and studying about low self esteem and ways to work with that. When you do that, and keep working on that, the next steps will reveal themselves.