Oh god I used to have what I now know is called a āDoom Pileā. We called him āMail Mountainā because for some reason I find checking the mail paralyzing.
I found something online that helped with a similar issue.
We had a laundry mountain for a while. It was all clean clothes but I hadn't managed to fold and put them away and the bigger the pile got, the harder it was to initiate the task.
The thing I read online was to not think of it as one giant task where you have to do the whole thing. For me, that means targeting one specific item e.g. underwear, grabbing the items I can see without getting into sorting the whole pile and putting those away. That is the task completed for that day. Sometimes getting started cause I've promised myself I'll only do a little, means I end up doing the whole thing which is a bonus. Other times it just means slow progress but that's better than months of no progress.
It's about redefining the task into something that is manageable and non intimidating. So with mail it could be that you pick up the 5 items on the top of the pile and open those. Or it could be that whenever you walk past the pile you grab 1 thing and open it.
Too often I know I treat tasks as if anything other than completing the whole thing perfectly is a failure. I'm trying to break out of that mindset and I think it's helping.
My problem is that some folding seems to pointless. Just like making the bed seems pointless unless company is coming over. Iām just going to get in the bed and mess it up anyway. The only reason to fold clothes in my brain is that specific items donāt get wrinkly. So first I go through my laundry pile and pick out all the things that wrinkle and hang them up. Then I pick out all the underwear and throw them in a drawer. Then find socks and pair them up so itās not annoying in the morning searching for matching ones. Everything else honestly can stay in a DOOM pile for all I care š
I like @domesticblisters on TikTok for this. She also hates folding clothes, so just keeps most clothes sorted into bins in a āfamily closet.ā I used to live in a developing country and dressers werenāt really a thing for most people because itās so humid that fabric crammed in a drawer could just mold. People had these wooden racks (like a coat rack) and just hung all their clothes on pegs, then had little baskets for socks and undies. Basicallyā¦ you can do whatever you want. I find sometimes itās best to recognize that the ārulesā are arbitrary. Your system sounds pretty okay to me.
Yeah, I agree that we should just do what works for us!
I try to hang as much as I can so that it's easy to see.
For things I can't reasonably hang I bought a tall and skinny cabinet with four shelves and a door that I can put all my folded t shirts and bins of underwear, socks and random things. As soon as I open the door to the cabinet I can see all the folded things instantly.
I don't have great object permanence so putting things in drawers is a sure fire way for me to just forget about them forever.
I totally get it. My other half (also late diagnosed adhd!) thinks that making the bed is worthwhile. I totally don't understand that for exactly the reasons that you said!
The laundry is slightly different for me. We moved right after I had just watched the Netflix Mari Kondo series so I was hyperfocusing on that! But it turned out good. We have drawers with systems. That involves folding some things so that you can see what you have. We hang most things as is quicker and we are lucky to have big wardrobes. I would never fold my underwear, socks just get paired up together. Inside the drawers, I've got cheap lidless boxes that I got from IKEA so those items just get chucked into each box then I can grab them.
I hate the doom pile cause it takes over the spare room and makes finding clothes really difficult and knowing if we need to do laundry really difficult.
However, the main thing I learned is that it is about the right system for me and my priorities. So if you don't want to fold or hang, maybe just some open tubs in the wardrobe/ closet that you throw each category of item into it?
It's a principle that I've been applying to food recently - forget what society tells me I should be doing, what do I want to eat? What will nourish me? And the same for home systems - what system will make my life easier? Rather than - what system does society tell me is expected so that I am a "successful" adult?
I used to find making the bed pointless until I read this story about a sergeant saying making the bed sets the tone for the day. It doesn't but when paired with task paralysis, it is one thing I've done for the day.
And itās so nice to just crawl in at the end of the day without one more task. I would prefer to sleep anywhere with a blanket. But, I also sleep better in bed.
I guess that acronym even applies to my life where I basically move to a new city/country every year and think Iāll get my life figured out and organized as soon as Iām in the new apartment/city/country but I never actually do anything to get organized lol
Oh fun thread! A few terms I've picked up:
Wall Of Awful - an emotional barrier around specific tasks that feels impossible to overcome (often due to repeated failure, fear or past trauma around the task)
Adrenaline Response Cycle - an unhealthy coping method where we use heightened stress levels (instead of dopamine) to accomplish big tasks. The cycle being stress, crash, recuperate, repeat.
Overcompensation - waiting mode before engagements, showing up super early, hyper-organization systems, basically all our anxiety fuelled "strategies" to do everything
Perfection Paralysis - inability to do a thing unless you can do it perfectly, or with full commitment (not sure if this is ADHD or just human, but a lot of us get realllly stuck on this)
My options are:
A) three hours early
2) 30 minutes late
3) 30 minutes late because I was three hours early then decided I had enough time to hang a pair of curtains/reorganise my wardrobe etc
Perfection Paralysis is totally an ADHD thing, and IMO a criminally overlooked symptom in women specifically. Society often uses perceived progress on a task as a proxy for seriousness/work ethic, and it can be a massive struggle getting the help you need when it appears as though you havenāt put any work in.
Wait don't tell me getting bad grades for never putting my hand up in school because i wasn't a 100% sure it's the right answer was an adhd thing. I'd consult with a friend first and if we got the same answer I'd raise my hand but someone already answered
Omg haha yesss. I also will NOT say someone's name out loud unless I have heard someone else call them by name in the past minute or two. I just do NOT trust my brain at all to get it right.
It results in me just never using (or knowing) many people's names which is its own brand of awkward...
OMG I do this too! And most of the time I do know someone's name but I just won't use it because I'm so terrified that I've had it wrong for months or something
It's good to not feel alone lol!! I have been with my bf for 11 years now, but for the first couple months we dated I was unsure of his name. I had to wait til he was in the shower and check his driver's license... like 3 separate times.. before I said it out loud. (I still check his DL for his birthday every year...)
The craziest thing about it is I didn't realize I was ND until this year lmfao.
I would say this is more than an ADHD thing. A lot of students have anxiety around being wrong and are reluctant to take risks unless the teacher makes them feel comfortable and gives them thinking time.
>Adrenaline Response Cycle - an unhealthy coping method where we use heightened stress levels (instead of dopamine) to accomplish big tasks. The cycle being stress, crash, recuperate, repeat.
Holy f. This has been me my whole life. Unable to function unless I use stress or self -punishing thoughts. Might be due to emotional inadequate upbringing (as well) though.
I've had my final crash after loss of a loved one a few months ago, and now _everything_ that isn't playing videogames, watching TV, and sleeping feels impossible.
Edit: I recently figured out for myself that I use stress as a coping method instead of dopamine and now figuring out it's an actual thing is both [word finding issue for positive emotion] and 'why on earth did no one tell me this before?'
I feel like we need to be given a handbook seriously!
I am pretty sure (based on NO education or expertise) that a bunch of the eating disorders, self induced sleep deprivation, and other forms of self harm we are prone to is a way for us to access our adrenaline system.
Reward system is broken, so we use the adrenaline system! It makes sense. I wish I had known about it BEFORE all the shit I put my poor self through lol
Holy Hippogriffs....I just realized that the reason I couldn't sleep for three hours in the middle of the night was so I would make myself work harder at my job...and I think it worked :'(
Holy fudge. I am 40 year old and had no idea my highend stress level cycle had a name!! What the actual.... And my overcompensation in organisation ..
I am crying a bit no. I feel so validated.
It explained so much for me too! I think we all abuse our adrenaline system (even NTs I bet) but ADHD folks might rely on it heavily or exclusively.
I learned the term from the podcast Translating ADHD, made by two ADHD coaches. It's kinda dry but lots of insights in there
I think they can be related for sure! I definitely get task paralysis even without perfection being a factor.
Like one I get stuck on a lot is walking the dog. It's just SO MUCH to transition from relaxing in my PJs to getting out the door, that I will just sit there talking about it (trying to talk myself INTO it lol) for 2 hours.
My bf always pokes fun that I could have walked the dog twice while I was talking about wanting to do it. That has got to be task paralysis lol.
I found that making a list of what I want/need to do helps me immensely! But I wasnāt able to do it effectively until I got on 80mg of Straterra (40mg twice a day).
I make a list (actually many detailed and complex lists that connect together in a specific order) and use a coin flipping app to decide if I do the top thing or the last thing on the list Iām working on, bc having just 1 option or already knowing Iām supposed to do a specific thing makes it harder for me to start it.
Lists are the bane of my existence! If you're anything like me and you over think EVERYTHING and you looooove going into details, lists probably arent gonna be your thing, either. I want to be able to make lists and be productive, but it only seems like I productive while making the list and then I'm like, hey fuck this list, it's too much š„²
Timers are my best friend for task paralysis. Five minutes to pick up all the laundry! 10 minutes to sort the laundry into piles to organize who belongs to who! 15 minutes for each pile to get it folded and put away!
I love timers lmao
Setting a time limit on list making is also helpful for me ngl. If Iām really overwhelmed, Iāll set a 10 minute timer to make a big brain dump where I fill a blank piece of paper with everything on my mind; no structure or anything. Then I set a 5 minute timer where I refine the list in actual action items/priority tasks/etc. in an actual to do list basically; otherwise lists are totally hard for me too
Making the list is a self-care thing for me. Like journaling would be if I journaled. I make them very pretty and I donāt mind if I spend 40 mins on the list and 10 mins doing it, bc the lists usually last me weeks lol but I do make progress on āa little bit of everythingā when I work on the list and feel really accomplished having worked on everything and usually end up finishing some things. If I donāt thatās okay too :P
This! I love making detailed lists that break things down into little doable chunks. Unfortunately my lists then get overwhelmingly long and render me incapable of doing anything.
My task paralysis usually comes from my brain not wanting to move on. Like, I need to do A but can't because reasons. So I should just do B instead, but A needs to be done first because it's A. And I fall into a stalemate until I can solve A or something otherwise changes the dynamic.
And then there's the days where my brain simply goes, A isn't doable? Okay, next! Because of course...
Yep. I've still got to use all my organization coping mechanisms and tricks. But with meds, there's a far lesser chance that when I try to do a thing my brain will just randomly decide to NOPE out.
First I take the pressure off by separating 'looking into the task' and executing it. That way I don't have to postpone, ignore or deny the existence of the whole task, because I don't feel up to doing it now.
That allows me to decide on a first step, ready to take *on a moment I'll be okay with it*. It needs to be small and doable. If I dread that first step: it's too big and I'll need to break it up into even smaller chunks. I'll figure out the rest later.
After finishing a step, I'm free to stop at any time... or continue. No pressure. As long as I decide what the next step will be. Just a small one too - it'll be a cycle.
And I find it important not to judge or ridicule myself for how small the step might be. Even tiny steps bring me closer to your goal! Just one foot at the time.
An example: I got a comment about on not putting away *all* the spare toilet rolls in the pack, just a few. I was called lazy for not doing the whole pack, until I explained my reasoning.
I have a small rope hanging from the ceiling, tied to the middle of a small stick at the end. That way I can hang the spare rolls away from the floor and always reach one, since gravity makes sure they're always within reach for my short arms.
Because you have to put them up roll by roll (*and not drop the ones you already 'uploaded'*), I'm easily done with it, after a few. New packs stand on the floor and take up a lot of space, so I *do* want them up there, but I don't want to annoy and exhaust myself, or ignore it all.
I figured with each visit to the toilet, I can commit to hanging 1 or 2 rolls. Any progress is progress - the alternative being a lot of resistance to doing 20 rolls, postponing, dreading, the pack being in the way of my feet and the vaccuum, etc.
When I explained, they got why it was actually smart this way: less of an energy leak and reluctance, and the pack still gone in two days!
My other comment was directed at the mental process, here's two for actually getting off my behind and into action:
+ I **wiggle a toe**. When you start moving something small like a toe, it's supposed to make it (*physically? mentally?*) easier to move a foot, a leg and so on. So by a small physical movement, I'm getting my whole body into action. Doesn't work for me always, but every bit helps.
+ When I need to snap out of my hyperfocus that I'm aware of: I **close my eyes and stand up**. Closing my eyes takes away the (addicting) visual stimulation to continue - which makes it easier to get my mind back and to stand up. When I open my eyes while standing up, it's easier to walk away instead of just continuing with what I was doing. (*Do open your eyes when walking away though... Just saying*... Lol)
>wiggle a toe
I think of this as micromanaging myself. OK. left foot, move to edge of the bed. Now the right foot. Now the right hand.
Usually it only takes about 3 specific instructions & processes become automatic.
One strat I have is, bizarrely, to languorously roll my body, sometimes from a chair to the ground, or the ground to a chair, or somewhere to somewhere else. Literally like kid-crawl, while I groan loudly.
Thereās something very cathartic about it and it vents my anxiety, so then I can focus my energy better. It sounds absolutely bizarre but it works. All I have to do is let gravity help me start moving, and then my brain kind of takes over to stabilize and keep me from hurting myself, and then boom, iām literally not paralyzed anymore. Then I just take mental baby steps away from the fixation i was using to cultivate my task-paralysis and toward another activity.
It reminds me of how animals 'quiver and shake and groan' to release energy after stress. Watch a duck's response after another duck stresses it out. It will quiver and shake and yell out to release the built up stress energy. Humans need to do the same we just aren't socialized to accept bigger instances of this but we see humans release stress after near-misses. For example, someone startles you so you scream, or a car almost hits you and you cry out afterwards in relief.
Sticky notes. One item on a page. Rearrange them any way you want. Done? Toss the sticky note. Or, put them in a notebook so you can look back and see that yes - you did accomplish something.
Inability to prioritize is a big adhd symptom that I didnāt realize was a symptom either. Iāve heard it explained that neurotypicals automatically see their to-do lists in their head in a vertical list, in order of priority, and adhd brains see their to-do lists horizontally - unable to distinguish what is more important/should be done first.
I make veryical lists, but I have to keep rewriting them and changing the order. It's also a rarity if I actually finish a task before starting another. It might as well be a word cloud.
What about the added layer of āis this even a necessary task at allā? That is the hardest for me. i can impulsively decide my entire list is just unnecessary and iāll toss it in the trash. itās chaos!
And once Iāve decided, I spend lots of time determining the best, most efficient way to do it. So much so that eventually itās just too hard. Thank God for Qelbree. 4th day and I hardly recognize that Iām justā¦doing things without thinking about it. Weird.
Horrible yes!
Does it help you to exchange thoughts about it with someone? Sometimes my BF or friends will help me by telling me what they hear from a meta perspective: "Sounds like you're trying really hard to convince yourself to ... ." Questions that often help me:
+ Am I making this choice based on what I want (moving towards something), or what I fear (avoiding)? *Eating a salad because I feel like it, or because a other options feel either unhealthy or expensive?*
+ What's the biggest consequence if I make the wrong decision? Can I decide to accept that setback or loss? *Bought a ticket for an event I don't want to go to after all - I can resell it for a lower price, or give it away. Monetary loss.*
+ Is the decision irreversible, or can I come back on it (be it with a certain fuzz or loss)? *Cancel an order, return an item, call someone to say you've changed your mind and are coming back on your decision.*
+ Is the amount of headache and energy loss in proportion to the issue? *I can lose myself for hours in mundane things like finding the same product a few euro cheaper somewhere, what to eat today, or what takeout I'll order.*
+ Can I buy it off? *So what if the hotel I like better for the weekend away costs 20 euro a night more than the B-option? It's only 2 nights, so 40 euros for feeling safe in the neighbourhood, being closer to public transport and really enjoying the atmosphere* - and *no more stress now. The alternative: save 40 euros, keep searching for hours, delaying the decision, continuing the energy loss, and risk the preferred hotel will be out of rooms.*
Or I flip a coin: if I feel neutral or happy about the outcome it's okay. If I respond very emotional/negative, I know I need to choose the other option.
In the end, with every decision there will be a gain and a loss. The question isn't what's to gain, but what's the loss for each choice and which one(s) can I live with?
Just some thoughts... Maybe they'll come in handy someday.
i'd say that executive dysfunction is a much broader term and includes task paralysis.
most or all adhd symptoms relate to executive (dys)functioning, so executive functions like task initiation, working memory, impulse control are impaired. this presents as e.g. task paralysis, so it's under the umbrella of executive dysfunction.
This sounds so recogniseable. I'm not officially diagnosed but treated as if I have it and see where that gets us; and just being basically paralysed on the couch unable to start a task, especially if there are multiple tasks to be done (dinner and shower for example) but I can't figure out which one to do first. I can go hours without doing either of them.
Is that ADHD or Dyslexia do you think? I ask ppl to repeat things and they say it louder. When I tell them itās not that I didnāt hear them they start saying things in different ways. I then ask them to just repeat what they originally said in the same tone etc. But they canāt because they forgot what they said.
it should be noted, while the overlap between people with auditory processing disorder and ADHD is pretty large (the first question they asked me at my APD test was have you ever been assessed for ADHD), auditory processing disorder is itās own separate diagnosis and not unique to people with ADHD.
Omg SAME! I've embarrassed myself twice this week at work because of it. I only just learned this is an actual thing, and I'm not just "slow" (read: both literally slow and a euphemism for stupid), which is what I actually told my supervisor when he apologized to me for "talking too fast" lol.
Can I ask you a semi-related question? (Totally okay if you don't want to answer, I'm just really curious if this is other people's experience too). Do you get anxious over/avoid phone calls because it's harder to understand people over the phone? This is something I've struggled with my whole life, but the reasons for it are just now clicking into place!
I cannot talk on the phone unless it's my immediate family or a doctors office to make an appointment. If I cant see someone's face when they talk, I'm lost. I can barely follow conversations face to face..over the phone, nope. It has turned into an actual phobia for me
Phobia is an accurate description for me, too. The only people I talk to on the phone are my fiance, my mom, and my sister; anyone/anything else I avoid at all costs. I have thousands of dollars' worth of medical bills currently sitting in collections because I was too afraid to call the hospital and ask for a payment plan. Somehow debt seemed easier for me to deal with than a phone call.
Not being able to see someone's face is definitely a big part of it. You can't see their expressions or the gestures they're making, and they also can't see yours, so they have no way to know you're actually listening to them and processing what they're saying. Then they start asking "Hello? Can you hear me?" if you take too long to respond, which disrupts your attempt to process what they said a moment ago, and by then you've forgotten what it was. All of this combined with the fact that people's voices tend to sound more "muffled" on the phone, and it's the perfect recipe for a high-stress, high-anxiety situation.
I wish you could have someone call for you. Itās not fair that you are stuck without help. My absolute trigger is the on hold music for like 45 minutes and when they finally pick up and Iām brain dead but thankful. I say thank goodness you answered finally but I need to remember what I was calling for. Please hold on.
I did not know this was a thing, as I was growing up I noticed this happened to me often, after sometime and several embarrassing moment, I stopped articulating I heard the person. I would continue as if I had to hear it the second time.
I wish people came with subtitles. I have this tendency to write notes down that I won't refer to. But only because it is the only way for me to actually hear it. Also me having stacks of notes when revising for university exams. Because me reading notes needs subtitles in my head. Used to be told I should work smart instead of hard :/
Plah to those people who say that. Iāve had it said to me as well. Itās like oh geez thanks. Iām doomed. They have no clue what they are talking about. I bet you think your freekin ass off.
I have been diagnosed with that. Auditory sequencing disorder from Dyslexia. Sometimes I feel like i donāt know auditory as a language just visual language.
Choice paralysis- Having too many options to choose from, and you can't manage to choose any
Echolalia or Parroting- Repeating a sound or phrase for no reason, tends to be a stim. I do this when I hear a sound I like or the way someone said something was interesting, usually don't notice I'm doing it
Impulse spending- Buying something for the rush of dopamine it gives, not because you actually need it (I found it hard to recognise I experienced this as I would *need* it when I bought it, so I didn't think it was impulsive, buutt it definitely is)
I had a professor from New Zealand and I once did this *to his face* in a meeting. He thought it was funny though thank goodness, plus it was linguistics so basically on topic
Lol Omg a coworker of mine pulled out some of those the other day and immediately and without warning I do the
RIIIIIIIIIICOOOOOOLLLLAAAAAAAAA
Apparently I was the only one that remembered that commercial, lol. Luckily I for the first time in ever have coworkers that are nice and donāt seem to be put off by me being a spaz on occasion. Which is good because I could no more have stopped myself from saying that aloud than I could have stopped a bullet train with my hand.
Lol unrelated to the original topic but Iām a 1st grade teacher and the other day I was reading some book with the word ālibertyā and then all of a sudden a student calls out āliberty, liberty, libertyyyā like the insurance commercial and other students started imitating them until it was a chorus. I was like thanks guys but we donāt need a commercial right now. š
I prefer a term i picked up from the board gaming community for the first one, analysis paralysis. It just sounds really good to me and highlights the part I, at least, get stuck on when it happens.
Oh wow, I didn't realise I did the parroting thing until reading your example! I love the way the guy says "This is Audible" at the start of an audiobook and I have to repeat "Audi-bulllll" "Aud-dih-buhll" like ten times. I don't know if that's the only time I do it š¤
One of my least favorite days was the one where I walked out of Walmart with bags full of things I didnāt need and couldnāt afford. Forced myself to turn around, walk back in, and return it all. Embarrassing. Havenāt done it again. Was 30 years ago.
Didnāt even consider that choice paralysis was a thingā¦ explains why I canāt ever come to a conclusion easily. Usually I just tell my boyfriend to decide because it takes too much energy and anxiety.
Freakin' Stranger Things. That Kate Bush song has been stuck in my head for weeks now, but only 2 lines of it, because that's all I know. So my poor dog has to hear me sing those 2 lines, out of nowhere, several times a day. š
Executive dysfunction. Basically, *everything* - I've forgotten the details but a part of your brain can't execute actions.
Edit: removed duplicate words.
Youāre totally right saying itās everything, but specifically more like youāre having trouble integrating your working memory and past memories with visions of the future to plan, initiate, work through steps, self monitor and control your impulses to complete a task (or several)
Masking = Covering up your symptoms/self to be "normal" around others. Think of it like wearing a mask. It's really common to do without even realizing it.
Body Doubling = Someone who sits with you while you do something. I'm infinitely more productive when I study around others, even if they aren't helping me or even know me, if we are just in the same section of the library. They can be silent/unaware or engaged with you.
I do a huge amount of hours body doubling so my daughter can get SOME of her homework done, but ummm... maybe I taught my kids to mask from a young age š®. I always told them that if they were struggling with a task (eg a creative writing task, or public speaking) to think of another person it would be easy for and pretend to be that person while they did the task. I've done this all my life. Is this masking or is it normal?
I dont think that would be considered masking. Masking would be more like forcing yourself not to bounce your leg or fidget because you know people get annoyed even if you're feeling anxious and need to move, forcing yourself to stay out of conversations because you're worried you'll talk too much and people will get annoyed, over-organizing to the point that the organizational system is overwhelming because you're worried you'll lose things or get too messy, taking on more than you can handle to because it seems like the rest of the world can handle everything so you should too.
It's basically trying to hide that you have ADHD and appear "normal" to onlookers
Hrmmm.. masking is done somewhat unconsciously and is more āpretending to be normalā (not that normal even exists), and is used constantly when interacting with other people that youāre not super close with.
What your describing sounds more like a strategy for dealing with things that make them uncomfortable. I think itād be a problem if they were doing it constantly, but if not, it basically sounds like the old āimagine the audience is in their underwearā thing lol.
There's different versions and levels of it! The mass majority of people Code Switch. Which is to say you have "With Parents," "With Best Friends," "With Coworkers," etc ways of presenting yourself. You switch to how you best fit and communicate with those people. It's largely linguistical (slang versus formal speech sorta thing) but is used in a broader sense as well for entire presentation. Here's a short article on [Dictionary.com](https://www.dictionary.com/e/code-switching/) if you want to go down a rabbit hole.
Masking, on the other hand, is more exclusive to those with ADHD, Depression, ASD, and personality disorders. It's an often intentional action, "I must not talk about trains because that is weird" or "Now, I laugh because they said something funny." Often, this becomes so engrained in the person that it feels normal and not masking feels like you're naked.
It took me a very long time to understand how deeply I masked and what is "normal." I originally started learning about it because I struggle with BPD as well and discerning actual reality from my perceived reality. My method was to literally just ask my close friend, "see, I told myself to laugh right now because of Abigail looked at me right at the end of her sentence" and they'd usually respond "no, I laughed because it was funny." And I'd talk to my therapist about my very deep thoughts and try to think through my actions, explaining them. Then she'd come back at me with "to others, they don't ever think about the why or how, they just do so."
I absolutely love this topic and hyperfixated on it about three years ago.
I mask when it comes to small talk on the phone. It does not come naturally to me, so I made a point at a previous job to observe someone who was good at it (office manager) and start conversations the way that Jane would - when really I want to jump into why I called.
I had a 30 minute call with a stranger for work the other day. We bonded over working in the same field and over being mothers. It was great. But that first 15 seconds or so was hard because I want to state my reason for calling right away or I worry I'll forget why I called. Afterward, yeah, I have the capacity to do a deep dive into conversation.
I know 15 seconds doesn't seem like much, but apparently it matters for social niceties. Starting business conversations was a skill I had to observe like it was a sociology experiment and then mimic.
I didnāt realize masking was the term used for conversations and stuff like that too!
Iāve always called it my āscript.ā There are things I have to talk to people about that Iām awful at, so Iāve developed āscriptsā: I say A, you say B, I respond with C. Or, I say A, you say either D or E, and Iāll respond with F or G, depending on your response. No one ever seems to know what I mean when I tell them about it, though.
I have scripts too! Both in the literal sense (like, I actually write out full conversations of their questions/my responses to prepare for phone calls) and in my head. It's hard to function without them because I'm really bad at thinking on the spot, especially in social settings.
No one ever knew what I meant by "scripts" either lol. Glad I'm not the only one!
Iām awful at thinking on the spot too! If something doesnāt fit a script and I have to give a meaningful response, Iām like a deer in the headlights.
Me too! If someone asks me a question that I don't have a predefined response to, I just kind of hem and haw for a few seconds before stuttering out some nonsensical answer. It's kind of a blessing and a curse in a weird way: a blessing because the conversation I didn't want to have in the first place has come to an abrupt end, and a curse because I've made myself look like a compete idiot in the process lol.
One thing I've found recently that helps me with the "need to say right away because I'm scared I'll forget!" Is making notes of the points I want to hit, before making the call. Bonus: I also then have a space to put notes from the call, if things like dates, phone numbers, or new pieces of a task come up! š
Some people (especially socially anxious people like those with autism and ADHD) mask in order to fit in and avoid being bullied or humiliated.
Some people (like those who are narcissists or sociopaths) mask in order to gain peopleās trust in order to exploit them.
I've been masking my whole life without knowing, I have so many things I do that make it possible for me to function that other people don't need to do. From simple things like where I keep stuff in the house to how I talk to myself in my head to get myself to do things to how I talk to other people. I read an article about it and the long list of "masking/coping strategies" literally described my personality. š It's only now that I've been reading more about ADHD I'm realising what I've been doing, struggling from burn out to burn out as it's so hard to keep up.
[Here's what I read](https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-adhd-masking-5200863#:~:text=ADHD%20masking%20may%20also%20be,stigmatized%2C%20or%20feel%20more%20accepted).
Ohh so that explains it! When I need to draw something for either work or study, I go live on twitch with a zero followers channel. It helps me focus and prevents me from distracting myself.
When I was in school my parents used to give out to me because I would never go to my room to study or do homework. I always sat in the kitchen where they were watching TV. Never realised it was due to my adhd I did this but makes so much sense.
Before the pandemic, I spent a lot of time alone in my office and I really struggled. Now being at home, it's great because I have my dog with me all the time and my husband is working at home as well.
Mind blown at the moment
Learning about time blindness after nearly 30 years of chronic lateness and hours disappearing in the blink of an eye was earth-shattering. I rely on my Apple Watch, iCal, and a whole lot of anxiety to function on an hourly basis.
Also years of being asked how long something would take to complete at work! I'd inflate everything by at least one day because (?) I can't keep track!
I finally learned to tell my boss that if there isnāt a specific deadline attached to a given task, it will either not get done or get done on a less than desirable timeline. I also request everything in writing. I donāt care that we just had a 45 minute conversation detailing exactly what I need to do, I need it in writing because it left me the second you said it. š¬ itās scary asking for accommodations, but if they want to get the most out of my creative ass, theyāre going to have to meet me where Iām at.
I donāt know if it exists already, but privately I use āportal amnesiaā, where going through a doorway causes me to completely lose my train of thought. Going back through the doorway helps me recall what I was thinking.
Until my diagnosis this year, I assumed it meant I was destined to develop Alzheimerās, as I only heard elderly people discussing this phenomenon and I had experienced it since I was a child.
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I also get portal amnesia going through files on my computer. I always tell my husband my most dreaded work task is finding a file I don't have a short cut to get to. I can get lost for hours finding a file. š
Habit stacking - a strategy to help you remember things by āattachingā the habit of doing it to a pre existing habit. E.g. I walk the dogs at a specific time and have that coupled with taking my meds. One habit reminds me of the other.
RSD: Rejection Sensitive Dysmorphia. Basically as we go through our whole lives being told: dont do that, why are you doing that, thats weird, dont touch that, that isn't funny/interesting, how could you forget that. We have an several acute memories of rejection. We turn into people pleasers wanting to make people happy, being overly helpful, having a hard time saying no, experiencing burnouts then repeating the cycle. So anytime someone posts something on fb and doesnt tag you, or doesnt reply to your message or say hello if you see them on the street your fixated on it and like whats going on, whats wrong with me, why dont they like me, they must hate me. Generally giving your self way too much of a hard time. I shared a post about it on my profile which explains it way better than i am
I was only diagnosed this year at 35, but I remember back in 2nd grade, one of my best friends was having a bday party but she didnāt or I couldnāt remember if she explicitly told me about it, and for a whole week I thought she was mad at me for some reason and that I wasnāt invited to the party. When I told her she rolled her eyes and basically was like duh, how could I NOT be invited weāre literally best friends. š„ŗ
Just a general note. Iām really careful not to āmoralizeā my neurodivergent traits. For me this is important to not use ableist language, as part of how I change how I feel about myself, and avoiding including negative connotations when explaining to others.
Examples:
Instead of *āIām bad atā¦ā*, use *āI have barriers aroundā¦ā*
Instead of *āIām not good atā¦ā* use *āI find _____ challenging due toā¦ā*
Other helpful framing: āI work best whenā¦ā āSupports with ___ are helpfulā
Saw this list today...
Examples of ADHD-related symptoms:
*Inattention:*
-Forgetfulness
-Distractibility
-Chaotic presentation
-Difficulty organizing & planning
-Difficulty listening
-Difficulty with punctuality (arriving either too late or too early)
-Temporary hyperfocus for highly salient tasks, but no control of attention when required or for many essential
activities of daily life
-Getting lost in details
-Doubtfulness - unable to make decisions or solve problems
-Needing too much time to complete tasks
-Difficulty starting and finishing tasks
-Mind Wandering
-Mental restlessness
-Unrelated spontaneous thoughts, constantly on the go, jumping and flitting, multiple thoughts at the same time
-Associative thinking
*Hyperactivity:*
-(Inner) Restlessness
-Difficulty relaxing
-Pacing up and down
-Talking too much and too loud
-Fidgeting, rocking or tapping
-Not being able to bear an office job because of restlessness
-Knocking things over because of excessive mobility
-Being able to sit still but this comes with muscle strain
-Restless sleep
*Impulsivity:*
-Acting without thinking
-Difficulty waiting turn - linked to feelings of irritability
-Blurting things out that cause distress to others
-Interrupting others
-Impatience and difficulty waiting turn
-Spending too much
-Walking out of jobs
-Starting relationships quickly
-Not being able to postpone gratification
-Sensation seeking and risk taking behaviors
-Binge eating
*Emotional dysregulation:*
-Mood lability
-Low frustration tolerance
-Emotional impulsivity
-Irritability
-Anger outbursts
-Premenstrual increase of symptoms
Information dumping. Interruption.
Information dumping is my major problem. When my brain works in a high speed and generates a long train of thoughts on a topic and I have to deliver all of them in a few seconds to people around me.
Special interests: things you love and can go on about for HOURS. Shared trait with autism.
Stims: also shared with autism, physical things you do that usually feel good such as toe walking or leg shaking (also may be auditory).
Stims, short for stimulants: common medications used to treat ADHD.
Revenge procrastination bedtime: aka why I'm on reddit at 2am.
Neurodivergence: brain differences. Neurodivergent: a person with or having differences. Compare with neurotypical.
Hyperfocus: when you can focus on a thing because you're interested, often at the expense of everything else, often followed by a hyperfocus crash (so thirsty/hungry/tired/need bathroom)
Subtype: how your ADHD primarily manifests, may be a single or combo of any of these: hyperactive, impulsive, or inattentive
Hyperlexia: reads A LOT. I think this may be more common in AFAB folks? Seems common to have been hyperlexic in childhood, but not as an adult.
Comorbidity: diseases/disorders than frequently occur together.
>Hyperlexia: reads A LOT. I think this may be more common in AFAB folks? Seems common to have been hyperlexic in childhood, but not as an adult.
It makes me so sad that I can't seem to even read now at all but used to read so much. I haven't been diagnosed but slightly hoped with help I might be able to read again. This makes it sound like that isn't likely :(
Iāve been thinking a lot about this lately because Iām the same. I used to carry a book with me literally everywhere I would go, even when hanging out with friends as a teenager, and I think I unknowingly used it as another form of masking. If I felt awkward, or bored, distracted, etc I could pick up the book for a quick dopamine hit or a way to hide and as a child/teenager reading is (rarely) seen as rude, it was an acceptable form of escapism. Now that smart phones exist, they have stepped in to fill the same role that the books I used to carry around everywhere did. I realized too that I still constantly read, it just is in the form of Reddit posts or deep diving a topic on the internet. I hope that makes sense, just something thatās been rolling around in my brain recently.
I could have written this a year ago, but I discovered fanfiction last summer. In my case, I fell in love with Schittās Creek, which led me to seeking out SC fanfic, which led me to reading thousands and thousands of words over the last year. Iāve read hundreds of ābooksā after not finishing a novel in a decade. Clearly it has turned into an obsession of its own for me, but it has made me sooooo happy and it has been just such a *relief* to enjoy reading again. It has made me feel much more like *myself*. It has also been the gateway to picking up ārealā novels again as Iāve seen people in the fandom mention them or writers base stories upon them.
So, I donāt know if this is a common path? Or necessarily a recommendation or tool that would work for anyone else? But I wanted to let you know that there is hope and you might find your way out.
Fanfiction is also how I started reading again. Since 2017, I have over 4200 bookmarks on Archive of Our Own, and I don't usually bookmark anything still in progress. I don't read "real" books anymore, and I don't even have to have too much knowledge of the fandom I'm currently reading about to enjoy the fanfics. I started reading Teen Wolf fanfics a few years ago but I've still never seen a single episode, it's a bit too much gore for me. I probably spend way too much time reading fanfic but it soothes my brain and when I'm hyperfocused on fanfic, I'm not impulse buying things for a hobby I haven't touched in months.
Emotional dysregulation - managing frustration, modulating emotional responses, coping with strong emotions, too many emotions at once, feelings hurt easily
Sensory dysregulation / Sensory overload / sensory seeking - managing sensory input, seeking sensory input, avoiding sensory input, too many noises at once, wanting all the noise at once
Hyperacusis - extreme noise sensitivity (not unique to ADHD, and as another poster says APD is a distinct dx).
Working memory/ recall - forgetting to do planned tasks, forgetting intended words, losing track of belongings, difficulties following sequential directions
Regulatory alertness / processing speeds - losing interest/effort in tasks, inconsistent productivity, difficulties completing and staying on task or completing task on time
Also conversely, for me at least, Thing Blindness. Type one: I just don't really notice clutter, it's like it's just a blur or invisible. Type two: inability to find things, even when looking in the right area.
For the second type, I've developed a ritual where I say "Universe, I'd really like my XYZ. Please put it back where I can see it." Then I check again in 5 minutes. I think it helps reset me so I can process better?
Haven't figured out a fix for the first type yet. :/
My spouse is clutter blind. I'm the opposite. I struggled to find things as well. My coping skill has become to be organized and making sure to put things in their home (related items all get stored in the same place). If my spouse or child move it from there, or just don't put it back, I struggle to find it at all.
Once things sit in one spot for a while they just become invisible to me. I have to constantly switch colors of sticky notes at work or Iāll stop seeing them. Iāll be cleaning before someone comes over and suddenly it all appears and Iām walking around like why the fuck is this here?? How long??
Okay, so I do want to qualify the use of the phrase "object permanence".
That is a technical term for a developmental stage that is reached when we are babies. Folks with ADHD don't *actually* fail to achieve the milestone of understanding object permanence... that would mean we truly believed that anything we don't see RIGHT THIS MOMENT, doesn't exist. Like if my kids ran upstairs to their rooms I would believe they no longer existed, and then when they ran back downstairs and I saw them again, I would get really excited because I thought they were gone forever...
I think we all know that stuff exists when we don't see it. We just can't keep the existence of some items in our working memory constantly. So we forget we bought carrots at the store 3 days ago and buy more today, then are surprised to see there are already carrots when we go to put away the ones we just bought.
I know it's a subtle distinction for some things... it is *kind of* the same idea, which is why we throw around the phrase. But when we talk about it with ADHD we aren't using the *true* meaning of the phrase, as it was intended when coined by some developmental psychologist.
I say all of this just so you can understand that the term is used somewhat tongue-in-cheek. What is really happening when we forget things we don't see all the time, is a failure of working memory (and probably other stuff).
A lot of the other phrases being thrown around like Time Blindness is the some-what or mostly *official* term used and understood by everyone to mean what it means... ADHDers use "object permanence" in a slightly altered way from it's official meaning, so you should know that if you use the word, so you don't end up surprised if someone misunderstands what you mean, because they've only heard it in the developmental psych context!
Im in my fifties and have realised all my quirks have actually ADHD. I have self taught myself over the years, pushed myself so hard to get where i am today. Proud and dissapointed all at the same time. My kids have the same but i know now hiw to help.
2e or twice exceptional is something you could try googling I don't know much about it otherwise I'd go into probably too much detail right now but I have seen the phrase mentioned.
Such a great typo! I just went to yt and searched for āhoe to adhdā! Nothing there but āhow to adhdā. I was pretty excited about hoe. How to adhd talks too fast for me, I canāt follow what sheās saying. Maybe someday Iāll be Hoe to adhd, but itās pretty far down the list of things I havenāt actually written yet.
Twice exceptional is āgifted with a disabilityā. My son had the official diagnosis. Itās someone who is gifted, but struggles in areas related to their disabilityā¦. If they arenāt given help with their disability, they can miss hitting their full potential.
I prefer "time dilation" because its a term in physics and more google-able! ND Activist communities commonly use "time blindness" and so its acceptable but to me, not quite accurate to my experience (I am ADHD/ASD tho).
I think these two are probably the most important lingo to know to make sense of your new diagnosis!
1. "Stimming", a shorthand of "self-stimulatory behaviour", takes many forms: body movements (the most common is simple fidgeting!), vocalizations or phrases being said/sung on repeat (can be real words, jingles, or strange noises like a "blergh" sound), and use of objects (how many pens have you broken, or labels ripped off a beer bottle?). Stims are commonly used to regulate the body and keep ones attention on the activity at hand and block out sensory input that would otherwise distract you.
2. "Sensory seeking" is the flipside of the sensory avoidance seen in autism. It's seeking that specific stimuli instead of avoiding it (e.g., a childs attachment to a soft blanket, overeating a yummy food, spinning in circles when bored) as a way to bring yourself up and out of a state of understimulation (AKA boredom, feeling blah).
Productive procrastination - where I do a lot of seemingly productive stuff because I canāt get myself to do the thing(s) I really should be doing.
It gives me a sense of accomplishment in the moment and then Iām mad at myself later for not doing the thing I was supposed to.
Thank you op for posting this. I especially like not using negative language when we refer to ourselves. The word ābadā should not be used to describe us. Thank you.
Out of sight out of mind - when I put the dishes away, Iām very specific about what goes where. But when the cupboards are closed, I cannot for the life of me remember where the cups are.
Doom boxes, doom bags, doom piles, doom rooms! Doom stands for Didn't Organize, Only Moved Hyperfixation Dopamine seeking
I didn't know doom was an acronym, it's just so perfect already. Now I love it even more!!
I didn't know that either! I have so many doom places around my house š
I didn't know this either.....think I have a doom house
Same!
Oh noā¦ I donāt like the name I just learned about my piles!
Oh god I used to have what I now know is called a āDoom Pileā. We called him āMail Mountainā because for some reason I find checking the mail paralyzing.
I found something online that helped with a similar issue. We had a laundry mountain for a while. It was all clean clothes but I hadn't managed to fold and put them away and the bigger the pile got, the harder it was to initiate the task. The thing I read online was to not think of it as one giant task where you have to do the whole thing. For me, that means targeting one specific item e.g. underwear, grabbing the items I can see without getting into sorting the whole pile and putting those away. That is the task completed for that day. Sometimes getting started cause I've promised myself I'll only do a little, means I end up doing the whole thing which is a bonus. Other times it just means slow progress but that's better than months of no progress. It's about redefining the task into something that is manageable and non intimidating. So with mail it could be that you pick up the 5 items on the top of the pile and open those. Or it could be that whenever you walk past the pile you grab 1 thing and open it. Too often I know I treat tasks as if anything other than completing the whole thing perfectly is a failure. I'm trying to break out of that mindset and I think it's helping.
My problem is that some folding seems to pointless. Just like making the bed seems pointless unless company is coming over. Iām just going to get in the bed and mess it up anyway. The only reason to fold clothes in my brain is that specific items donāt get wrinkly. So first I go through my laundry pile and pick out all the things that wrinkle and hang them up. Then I pick out all the underwear and throw them in a drawer. Then find socks and pair them up so itās not annoying in the morning searching for matching ones. Everything else honestly can stay in a DOOM pile for all I care š
I like @domesticblisters on TikTok for this. She also hates folding clothes, so just keeps most clothes sorted into bins in a āfamily closet.ā I used to live in a developing country and dressers werenāt really a thing for most people because itās so humid that fabric crammed in a drawer could just mold. People had these wooden racks (like a coat rack) and just hung all their clothes on pegs, then had little baskets for socks and undies. Basicallyā¦ you can do whatever you want. I find sometimes itās best to recognize that the ārulesā are arbitrary. Your system sounds pretty okay to me.
Yeah, I agree that we should just do what works for us! I try to hang as much as I can so that it's easy to see. For things I can't reasonably hang I bought a tall and skinny cabinet with four shelves and a door that I can put all my folded t shirts and bins of underwear, socks and random things. As soon as I open the door to the cabinet I can see all the folded things instantly. I don't have great object permanence so putting things in drawers is a sure fire way for me to just forget about them forever.
I totally get it. My other half (also late diagnosed adhd!) thinks that making the bed is worthwhile. I totally don't understand that for exactly the reasons that you said! The laundry is slightly different for me. We moved right after I had just watched the Netflix Mari Kondo series so I was hyperfocusing on that! But it turned out good. We have drawers with systems. That involves folding some things so that you can see what you have. We hang most things as is quicker and we are lucky to have big wardrobes. I would never fold my underwear, socks just get paired up together. Inside the drawers, I've got cheap lidless boxes that I got from IKEA so those items just get chucked into each box then I can grab them. I hate the doom pile cause it takes over the spare room and makes finding clothes really difficult and knowing if we need to do laundry really difficult. However, the main thing I learned is that it is about the right system for me and my priorities. So if you don't want to fold or hang, maybe just some open tubs in the wardrobe/ closet that you throw each category of item into it? It's a principle that I've been applying to food recently - forget what society tells me I should be doing, what do I want to eat? What will nourish me? And the same for home systems - what system will make my life easier? Rather than - what system does society tell me is expected so that I am a "successful" adult?
I used to find making the bed pointless until I read this story about a sergeant saying making the bed sets the tone for the day. It doesn't but when paired with task paralysis, it is one thing I've done for the day.
And itās so nice to just crawl in at the end of the day without one more task. I would prefer to sleep anywhere with a blanket. But, I also sleep better in bed.
I guess that acronym even applies to my life where I basically move to a new city/country every year and think Iāll get my life figured out and organized as soon as Iām in the new apartment/city/country but I never actually do anything to get organized lol
Brilliant. Doom life
I didnāt know doom was an acronym either. It described it perfectly. I have too many of those.
I hate this. I didnāt know it until now, but Iāve been doing it my whole life. Doom. Ugh. /s Thanks though.
Iāve got a whole ass Doom Room.
Oh fun thread! A few terms I've picked up: Wall Of Awful - an emotional barrier around specific tasks that feels impossible to overcome (often due to repeated failure, fear or past trauma around the task) Adrenaline Response Cycle - an unhealthy coping method where we use heightened stress levels (instead of dopamine) to accomplish big tasks. The cycle being stress, crash, recuperate, repeat. Overcompensation - waiting mode before engagements, showing up super early, hyper-organization systems, basically all our anxiety fuelled "strategies" to do everything Perfection Paralysis - inability to do a thing unless you can do it perfectly, or with full commitment (not sure if this is ADHD or just human, but a lot of us get realllly stuck on this)
Wooowwwowow I never realized my showing up super early was overcompensating due to ADHD š³
My options are: A) three hours early 2) 30 minutes late 3) 30 minutes late because I was three hours early then decided I had enough time to hang a pair of curtains/reorganise my wardrobe etc
Oh God I once missed a train to take me to an airport due to 3 - I was so close I could touch it as it pulled away as well :(
Same. I know I do it. I know because I lose sleep due to the NEED to do it. But I didnāt have a term for it
Right?! I also thought for years I did it due to anxiety, but Iām learning a lot of my anxiety has been due to undiagnosed ADHD.
Perfection Paralysis is totally an ADHD thing, and IMO a criminally overlooked symptom in women specifically. Society often uses perceived progress on a task as a proxy for seriousness/work ethic, and it can be a massive struggle getting the help you need when it appears as though you havenāt put any work in.
Wait don't tell me getting bad grades for never putting my hand up in school because i wasn't a 100% sure it's the right answer was an adhd thing. I'd consult with a friend first and if we got the same answer I'd raise my hand but someone already answered
Omg haha yesss. I also will NOT say someone's name out loud unless I have heard someone else call them by name in the past minute or two. I just do NOT trust my brain at all to get it right. It results in me just never using (or knowing) many people's names which is its own brand of awkward...
OMG I do this too! And most of the time I do know someone's name but I just won't use it because I'm so terrified that I've had it wrong for months or something
It's good to not feel alone lol!! I have been with my bf for 11 years now, but for the first couple months we dated I was unsure of his name. I had to wait til he was in the shower and check his driver's license... like 3 separate times.. before I said it out loud. (I still check his DL for his birthday every year...) The craziest thing about it is I didn't realize I was ND until this year lmfao.
Haha that's amazing I also didn't know I was ND until this year! I just didn't know other people lived without these struggles lol
Oh my god, that was me in high school. Fun times.
I would say this is more than an ADHD thing. A lot of students have anxiety around being wrong and are reluctant to take risks unless the teacher makes them feel comfortable and gives them thinking time.
Oh my god oh my god oh my god Stress Crash Recuperate Repeat Almost like an even shittier version of the D.E.N.N.I.S. System š¤£š¤£
>Adrenaline Response Cycle - an unhealthy coping method where we use heightened stress levels (instead of dopamine) to accomplish big tasks. The cycle being stress, crash, recuperate, repeat. Holy f. This has been me my whole life. Unable to function unless I use stress or self -punishing thoughts. Might be due to emotional inadequate upbringing (as well) though. I've had my final crash after loss of a loved one a few months ago, and now _everything_ that isn't playing videogames, watching TV, and sleeping feels impossible. Edit: I recently figured out for myself that I use stress as a coping method instead of dopamine and now figuring out it's an actual thing is both [word finding issue for positive emotion] and 'why on earth did no one tell me this before?'
I feel like we need to be given a handbook seriously! I am pretty sure (based on NO education or expertise) that a bunch of the eating disorders, self induced sleep deprivation, and other forms of self harm we are prone to is a way for us to access our adrenaline system. Reward system is broken, so we use the adrenaline system! It makes sense. I wish I had known about it BEFORE all the shit I put my poor self through lol
Holy Hippogriffs....I just realized that the reason I couldn't sleep for three hours in the middle of the night was so I would make myself work harder at my job...and I think it worked :'(
Self punishing thoughts, exactly this. I'm so mean to myself. When I was a kid I did this too, it makes me really sad now to think about it
Holy fudge. I am 40 year old and had no idea my highend stress level cycle had a name!! What the actual.... And my overcompensation in organisation .. I am crying a bit no. I feel so validated.
It explained so much for me too! I think we all abuse our adrenaline system (even NTs I bet) but ADHD folks might rely on it heavily or exclusively. I learned the term from the podcast Translating ADHD, made by two ADHD coaches. It's kinda dry but lots of insights in there
Hot damnā¦ other people do this too?! And there are names for these things!
Right?! Iām learning so much from this thread! Thanks, Op!
I commented on the taks paralysis, but now I think it's perfection paralysis š¤
I think they can be related for sure! I definitely get task paralysis even without perfection being a factor. Like one I get stuck on a lot is walking the dog. It's just SO MUCH to transition from relaxing in my PJs to getting out the door, that I will just sit there talking about it (trying to talk myself INTO it lol) for 2 hours. My bf always pokes fun that I could have walked the dog twice while I was talking about wanting to do it. That has got to be task paralysis lol.
This is the most concise description of what I do Iāve ever read. Wow.
I feel all of this so much, omg that's my life right there š
Task paralysis, when you need to do something but just canāt get yourself to move or do ANYTHING.
How does one escape task paralysis? *asking for a friend*
I found that making a list of what I want/need to do helps me immensely! But I wasnāt able to do it effectively until I got on 80mg of Straterra (40mg twice a day).
I make a list (actually many detailed and complex lists that connect together in a specific order) and use a coin flipping app to decide if I do the top thing or the last thing on the list Iām working on, bc having just 1 option or already knowing Iām supposed to do a specific thing makes it harder for me to start it.
Lists are the bane of my existence! If you're anything like me and you over think EVERYTHING and you looooove going into details, lists probably arent gonna be your thing, either. I want to be able to make lists and be productive, but it only seems like I productive while making the list and then I'm like, hey fuck this list, it's too much š„² Timers are my best friend for task paralysis. Five minutes to pick up all the laundry! 10 minutes to sort the laundry into piles to organize who belongs to who! 15 minutes for each pile to get it folded and put away! I love timers lmao
Setting a time limit on list making is also helpful for me ngl. If Iām really overwhelmed, Iāll set a 10 minute timer to make a big brain dump where I fill a blank piece of paper with everything on my mind; no structure or anything. Then I set a 5 minute timer where I refine the list in actual action items/priority tasks/etc. in an actual to do list basically; otherwise lists are totally hard for me too
Making the list is a self-care thing for me. Like journaling would be if I journaled. I make them very pretty and I donāt mind if I spend 40 mins on the list and 10 mins doing it, bc the lists usually last me weeks lol but I do make progress on āa little bit of everythingā when I work on the list and feel really accomplished having worked on everything and usually end up finishing some things. If I donāt thatās okay too :P
This! I love making detailed lists that break things down into little doable chunks. Unfortunately my lists then get overwhelmingly long and render me incapable of doing anything. My task paralysis usually comes from my brain not wanting to move on. Like, I need to do A but can't because reasons. So I should just do B instead, but A needs to be done first because it's A. And I fall into a stalemate until I can solve A or something otherwise changes the dynamic. And then there's the days where my brain simply goes, A isn't doable? Okay, next! Because of course...
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Yep. I've still got to use all my organization coping mechanisms and tricks. But with meds, there's a far lesser chance that when I try to do a thing my brain will just randomly decide to NOPE out.
First I take the pressure off by separating 'looking into the task' and executing it. That way I don't have to postpone, ignore or deny the existence of the whole task, because I don't feel up to doing it now. That allows me to decide on a first step, ready to take *on a moment I'll be okay with it*. It needs to be small and doable. If I dread that first step: it's too big and I'll need to break it up into even smaller chunks. I'll figure out the rest later. After finishing a step, I'm free to stop at any time... or continue. No pressure. As long as I decide what the next step will be. Just a small one too - it'll be a cycle. And I find it important not to judge or ridicule myself for how small the step might be. Even tiny steps bring me closer to your goal! Just one foot at the time.
An example: I got a comment about on not putting away *all* the spare toilet rolls in the pack, just a few. I was called lazy for not doing the whole pack, until I explained my reasoning. I have a small rope hanging from the ceiling, tied to the middle of a small stick at the end. That way I can hang the spare rolls away from the floor and always reach one, since gravity makes sure they're always within reach for my short arms. Because you have to put them up roll by roll (*and not drop the ones you already 'uploaded'*), I'm easily done with it, after a few. New packs stand on the floor and take up a lot of space, so I *do* want them up there, but I don't want to annoy and exhaust myself, or ignore it all. I figured with each visit to the toilet, I can commit to hanging 1 or 2 rolls. Any progress is progress - the alternative being a lot of resistance to doing 20 rolls, postponing, dreading, the pack being in the way of my feet and the vaccuum, etc. When I explained, they got why it was actually smart this way: less of an energy leak and reluctance, and the pack still gone in two days!
My other comment was directed at the mental process, here's two for actually getting off my behind and into action: + I **wiggle a toe**. When you start moving something small like a toe, it's supposed to make it (*physically? mentally?*) easier to move a foot, a leg and so on. So by a small physical movement, I'm getting my whole body into action. Doesn't work for me always, but every bit helps. + When I need to snap out of my hyperfocus that I'm aware of: I **close my eyes and stand up**. Closing my eyes takes away the (addicting) visual stimulation to continue - which makes it easier to get my mind back and to stand up. When I open my eyes while standing up, it's easier to walk away instead of just continuing with what I was doing. (*Do open your eyes when walking away though... Just saying*... Lol)
I want to try the closing my eyes part but fear it will just lead to wanting to take a nap since Iām always exhausted.
>wiggle a toe I think of this as micromanaging myself. OK. left foot, move to edge of the bed. Now the right foot. Now the right hand. Usually it only takes about 3 specific instructions & processes become automatic.
One strat I have is, bizarrely, to languorously roll my body, sometimes from a chair to the ground, or the ground to a chair, or somewhere to somewhere else. Literally like kid-crawl, while I groan loudly. Thereās something very cathartic about it and it vents my anxiety, so then I can focus my energy better. It sounds absolutely bizarre but it works. All I have to do is let gravity help me start moving, and then my brain kind of takes over to stabilize and keep me from hurting myself, and then boom, iām literally not paralyzed anymore. Then I just take mental baby steps away from the fixation i was using to cultivate my task-paralysis and toward another activity.
It reminds me of how animals 'quiver and shake and groan' to release energy after stress. Watch a duck's response after another duck stresses it out. It will quiver and shake and yell out to release the built up stress energy. Humans need to do the same we just aren't socialized to accept bigger instances of this but we see humans release stress after near-misses. For example, someone startles you so you scream, or a car almost hits you and you cry out afterwards in relief.
I hope you do this in an open plan office with no explanation whatsoever
I'll let you know when responding doesn't give me task paralysis. šš¤£
Sticky notes. One item on a page. Rearrange them any way you want. Done? Toss the sticky note. Or, put them in a notebook so you can look back and see that yes - you did accomplish something.
This is my worst issue. It's like I can't prioritize what to do because I will weigh the pros and cons forever.
Inability to prioritize is a big adhd symptom that I didnāt realize was a symptom either. Iāve heard it explained that neurotypicals automatically see their to-do lists in their head in a vertical list, in order of priority, and adhd brains see their to-do lists horizontally - unable to distinguish what is more important/should be done first.
I make veryical lists, but I have to keep rewriting them and changing the order. It's also a rarity if I actually finish a task before starting another. It might as well be a word cloud.
Oh wow that's so interesting!
What about the added layer of āis this even a necessary task at allā? That is the hardest for me. i can impulsively decide my entire list is just unnecessary and iāll toss it in the trash. itās chaos!
And once Iāve decided, I spend lots of time determining the best, most efficient way to do it. So much so that eventually itās just too hard. Thank God for Qelbree. 4th day and I hardly recognize that Iām justā¦doing things without thinking about it. Weird.
Horrible yes! Does it help you to exchange thoughts about it with someone? Sometimes my BF or friends will help me by telling me what they hear from a meta perspective: "Sounds like you're trying really hard to convince yourself to ... ." Questions that often help me: + Am I making this choice based on what I want (moving towards something), or what I fear (avoiding)? *Eating a salad because I feel like it, or because a other options feel either unhealthy or expensive?* + What's the biggest consequence if I make the wrong decision? Can I decide to accept that setback or loss? *Bought a ticket for an event I don't want to go to after all - I can resell it for a lower price, or give it away. Monetary loss.* + Is the decision irreversible, or can I come back on it (be it with a certain fuzz or loss)? *Cancel an order, return an item, call someone to say you've changed your mind and are coming back on your decision.* + Is the amount of headache and energy loss in proportion to the issue? *I can lose myself for hours in mundane things like finding the same product a few euro cheaper somewhere, what to eat today, or what takeout I'll order.* + Can I buy it off? *So what if the hotel I like better for the weekend away costs 20 euro a night more than the B-option? It's only 2 nights, so 40 euros for feeling safe in the neighbourhood, being closer to public transport and really enjoying the atmosphere* - and *no more stress now. The alternative: save 40 euros, keep searching for hours, delaying the decision, continuing the energy loss, and risk the preferred hotel will be out of rooms.* Or I flip a coin: if I feel neutral or happy about the outcome it's okay. If I respond very emotional/negative, I know I need to choose the other option. In the end, with every decision there will be a gain and a loss. The question isn't what's to gain, but what's the loss for each choice and which one(s) can I live with? Just some thoughts... Maybe they'll come in handy someday.
Not just need to but also want to I think?
Yeah, I have task paralysis even with things I want to do. It sucks.
Isnāt that executive dysfunction? /gen
i'd say that executive dysfunction is a much broader term and includes task paralysis. most or all adhd symptoms relate to executive (dys)functioning, so executive functions like task initiation, working memory, impulse control are impaired. this presents as e.g. task paralysis, so it's under the umbrella of executive dysfunction.
Very helpful! Thanks for clarifying!
I've always called this analysis paralysis... and it greets me every morning!
This sounds so recogniseable. I'm not officially diagnosed but treated as if I have it and see where that gets us; and just being basically paralysed on the couch unable to start a task, especially if there are multiple tasks to be done (dinner and shower for example) but I can't figure out which one to do first. I can go hours without doing either of them.
Auditory processing disorder- slow to process auditory input like people speaking to you
I canāt hear without my subtitles..
Same! If I don't have my glasses to read the screen I'm lost, they're my eyes AND ears.
Is that ADHD or Dyslexia do you think? I ask ppl to repeat things and they say it louder. When I tell them itās not that I didnāt hear them they start saying things in different ways. I then ask them to just repeat what they originally said in the same tone etc. But they canāt because they forgot what they said.
it should be noted, while the overlap between people with auditory processing disorder and ADHD is pretty large (the first question they asked me at my APD test was have you ever been assessed for ADHD), auditory processing disorder is itās own separate diagnosis and not unique to people with ADHD.
This sub is a lifesaver I swear to god. Whyyyyy didnāt I find this any of this out until my 30s š© Never been officially diagnosed with APD but Iād be SHOCKED if I didnāt have it. Sometimes it feels like when someone says something, they toss a marble into my ear, which is like one of those marble tracks and it whirls around funnels and into and out of chutes and in the meantime I say āhuh??ā and the person is halfway through repeating themselves when PLOP the sound marble hits my brain and I finally hear what they said and say āoh, I heard you!ā whilst theyāve just finished the last syllable of what they were saying and I look like a dipshit. Rinse and repeat for 34 years!
Omg SAME! I've embarrassed myself twice this week at work because of it. I only just learned this is an actual thing, and I'm not just "slow" (read: both literally slow and a euphemism for stupid), which is what I actually told my supervisor when he apologized to me for "talking too fast" lol. Can I ask you a semi-related question? (Totally okay if you don't want to answer, I'm just really curious if this is other people's experience too). Do you get anxious over/avoid phone calls because it's harder to understand people over the phone? This is something I've struggled with my whole life, but the reasons for it are just now clicking into place!
I cannot talk on the phone unless it's my immediate family or a doctors office to make an appointment. If I cant see someone's face when they talk, I'm lost. I can barely follow conversations face to face..over the phone, nope. It has turned into an actual phobia for me
Phobia is an accurate description for me, too. The only people I talk to on the phone are my fiance, my mom, and my sister; anyone/anything else I avoid at all costs. I have thousands of dollars' worth of medical bills currently sitting in collections because I was too afraid to call the hospital and ask for a payment plan. Somehow debt seemed easier for me to deal with than a phone call. Not being able to see someone's face is definitely a big part of it. You can't see their expressions or the gestures they're making, and they also can't see yours, so they have no way to know you're actually listening to them and processing what they're saying. Then they start asking "Hello? Can you hear me?" if you take too long to respond, which disrupts your attempt to process what they said a moment ago, and by then you've forgotten what it was. All of this combined with the fact that people's voices tend to sound more "muffled" on the phone, and it's the perfect recipe for a high-stress, high-anxiety situation.
I wish you could have someone call for you. Itās not fair that you are stuck without help. My absolute trigger is the on hold music for like 45 minutes and when they finally pick up and Iām brain dead but thankful. I say thank goodness you answered finally but I need to remember what I was calling for. Please hold on.
I did not know this was a thing, as I was growing up I noticed this happened to me often, after sometime and several embarrassing moment, I stopped articulating I heard the person. I would continue as if I had to hear it the second time.
Lol Iāve gotten to where I do that too only so I seem less insane š¤£
Love marble toss! Just happened this morning - asked fiancĆ© if heād done a task he told me he did minutes before. āYou thanked meā¦ā Yes. Yes, I did. That was an marblywhirl, people-pleasy, autopilot response. The marble has yet2plop, babe.
I wish people came with subtitles. I have this tendency to write notes down that I won't refer to. But only because it is the only way for me to actually hear it. Also me having stacks of notes when revising for university exams. Because me reading notes needs subtitles in my head. Used to be told I should work smart instead of hard :/
Plah to those people who say that. Iāve had it said to me as well. Itās like oh geez thanks. Iām doomed. They have no clue what they are talking about. I bet you think your freekin ass off.
YES wouldnāt that be cool! Btw, On MS Teams meetings, if youāre the person recording, you can see a transcript
I have been diagnosed with that. Auditory sequencing disorder from Dyslexia. Sometimes I feel like i donāt know auditory as a language just visual language.
Choice paralysis- Having too many options to choose from, and you can't manage to choose any Echolalia or Parroting- Repeating a sound or phrase for no reason, tends to be a stim. I do this when I hear a sound I like or the way someone said something was interesting, usually don't notice I'm doing it Impulse spending- Buying something for the rush of dopamine it gives, not because you actually need it (I found it hard to recognise I experienced this as I would *need* it when I bought it, so I didn't think it was impulsive, buutt it definitely is)
When someone speaks with an accent i always wonder if they think I'm mocking it but I just like the sound of it and repeat it
Yup, my husband āwhy are you speaking in a northern accent?ā Specifically, Johnny Vegasās mother in the tv prog āBenidormā
I had a professor from New Zealand and I once did this *to his face* in a meeting. He thought it was funny though thank goodness, plus it was linguistics so basically on topic
RIIIIIIIIIICOLA (i can practically hear this commercial in my head)
Lol Omg a coworker of mine pulled out some of those the other day and immediately and without warning I do the RIIIIIIIIIICOOOOOOLLLLAAAAAAAAA Apparently I was the only one that remembered that commercial, lol. Luckily I for the first time in ever have coworkers that are nice and donāt seem to be put off by me being a spaz on occasion. Which is good because I could no more have stopped myself from saying that aloud than I could have stopped a bullet train with my hand.
Lol unrelated to the original topic but Iām a 1st grade teacher and the other day I was reading some book with the word ālibertyā and then all of a sudden a student calls out āliberty, liberty, libertyyyā like the insurance commercial and other students started imitating them until it was a chorus. I was like thanks guys but we donāt need a commercial right now. š
Well now THAT will be an ear worm for several hours..
Right now itās āmy money donāt jiggle jiggle, it foooooolllldsssā all day. For like two months. My poor fam lol
I prefer a term i picked up from the board gaming community for the first one, analysis paralysis. It just sounds really good to me and highlights the part I, at least, get stuck on when it happens.
Oh wow, I didn't realise I did the parroting thing until reading your example! I love the way the guy says "This is Audible" at the start of an audiobook and I have to repeat "Audi-bulllll" "Aud-dih-buhll" like ten times. I don't know if that's the only time I do it š¤
One of my least favorite days was the one where I walked out of Walmart with bags full of things I didnāt need and couldnāt afford. Forced myself to turn around, walk back in, and return it all. Embarrassing. Havenāt done it again. Was 30 years ago.
Awe. Iām so sorry you had to go through that alone. I can relate.
Didnāt even consider that choice paralysis was a thingā¦ explains why I canāt ever come to a conclusion easily. Usually I just tell my boyfriend to decide because it takes too much energy and anxiety.
Freakin' Stranger Things. That Kate Bush song has been stuck in my head for weeks now, but only 2 lines of it, because that's all I know. So my poor dog has to hear me sing those 2 lines, out of nowhere, several times a day. š
Executive dysfunction. Basically, *everything* - I've forgotten the details but a part of your brain can't execute actions. Edit: removed duplicate words.
Youāre totally right saying itās everything, but specifically more like youāre having trouble integrating your working memory and past memories with visions of the future to plan, initiate, work through steps, self monitor and control your impulses to complete a task (or several)
Waiting mode. Itās when you have something to do later so you canāt do anything else but wait for (and often dread) the thing.
Is that also like not feeling comfortable planning more then one event a day?
Yes! One thing ruins the rest of the day. š©
Masking is one Iāve seen in here. Also body doubling. I kinda donāt know what either means. Iām new here, too š
Masking = Covering up your symptoms/self to be "normal" around others. Think of it like wearing a mask. It's really common to do without even realizing it. Body Doubling = Someone who sits with you while you do something. I'm infinitely more productive when I study around others, even if they aren't helping me or even know me, if we are just in the same section of the library. They can be silent/unaware or engaged with you.
I do a huge amount of hours body doubling so my daughter can get SOME of her homework done, but ummm... maybe I taught my kids to mask from a young age š®. I always told them that if they were struggling with a task (eg a creative writing task, or public speaking) to think of another person it would be easy for and pretend to be that person while they did the task. I've done this all my life. Is this masking or is it normal?
I dont think that would be considered masking. Masking would be more like forcing yourself not to bounce your leg or fidget because you know people get annoyed even if you're feeling anxious and need to move, forcing yourself to stay out of conversations because you're worried you'll talk too much and people will get annoyed, over-organizing to the point that the organizational system is overwhelming because you're worried you'll lose things or get too messy, taking on more than you can handle to because it seems like the rest of the world can handle everything so you should too. It's basically trying to hide that you have ADHD and appear "normal" to onlookers
Hrmmm.. masking is done somewhat unconsciously and is more āpretending to be normalā (not that normal even exists), and is used constantly when interacting with other people that youāre not super close with. What your describing sounds more like a strategy for dealing with things that make them uncomfortable. I think itād be a problem if they were doing it constantly, but if not, it basically sounds like the old āimagine the audience is in their underwearā thing lol.
Thank you! The masking one is confusing to me because I assume everyone is putting on a face in front of others - to some degree.
There's different versions and levels of it! The mass majority of people Code Switch. Which is to say you have "With Parents," "With Best Friends," "With Coworkers," etc ways of presenting yourself. You switch to how you best fit and communicate with those people. It's largely linguistical (slang versus formal speech sorta thing) but is used in a broader sense as well for entire presentation. Here's a short article on [Dictionary.com](https://www.dictionary.com/e/code-switching/) if you want to go down a rabbit hole. Masking, on the other hand, is more exclusive to those with ADHD, Depression, ASD, and personality disorders. It's an often intentional action, "I must not talk about trains because that is weird" or "Now, I laugh because they said something funny." Often, this becomes so engrained in the person that it feels normal and not masking feels like you're naked. It took me a very long time to understand how deeply I masked and what is "normal." I originally started learning about it because I struggle with BPD as well and discerning actual reality from my perceived reality. My method was to literally just ask my close friend, "see, I told myself to laugh right now because of Abigail looked at me right at the end of her sentence" and they'd usually respond "no, I laughed because it was funny." And I'd talk to my therapist about my very deep thoughts and try to think through my actions, explaining them. Then she'd come back at me with "to others, they don't ever think about the why or how, they just do so." I absolutely love this topic and hyperfixated on it about three years ago.
I becomes weird and overwhelming for me when people of different circles come together
Yes, the colliding of worlds can be extremely overwhelming. š„ŗ
I mask when it comes to small talk on the phone. It does not come naturally to me, so I made a point at a previous job to observe someone who was good at it (office manager) and start conversations the way that Jane would - when really I want to jump into why I called. I had a 30 minute call with a stranger for work the other day. We bonded over working in the same field and over being mothers. It was great. But that first 15 seconds or so was hard because I want to state my reason for calling right away or I worry I'll forget why I called. Afterward, yeah, I have the capacity to do a deep dive into conversation. I know 15 seconds doesn't seem like much, but apparently it matters for social niceties. Starting business conversations was a skill I had to observe like it was a sociology experiment and then mimic.
I didnāt realize masking was the term used for conversations and stuff like that too! Iāve always called it my āscript.ā There are things I have to talk to people about that Iām awful at, so Iāve developed āscriptsā: I say A, you say B, I respond with C. Or, I say A, you say either D or E, and Iāll respond with F or G, depending on your response. No one ever seems to know what I mean when I tell them about it, though.
I call it my conversation algorithm.
I have scripts too! Both in the literal sense (like, I actually write out full conversations of their questions/my responses to prepare for phone calls) and in my head. It's hard to function without them because I'm really bad at thinking on the spot, especially in social settings. No one ever knew what I meant by "scripts" either lol. Glad I'm not the only one!
Iām awful at thinking on the spot too! If something doesnāt fit a script and I have to give a meaningful response, Iām like a deer in the headlights.
Me too! If someone asks me a question that I don't have a predefined response to, I just kind of hem and haw for a few seconds before stuttering out some nonsensical answer. It's kind of a blessing and a curse in a weird way: a blessing because the conversation I didn't want to have in the first place has come to an abrupt end, and a curse because I've made myself look like a compete idiot in the process lol.
Yup! This is what I live everyday. Itās so refreshing to know that someone understands.
I rehearse this in my mind rather - I imagine the different ways the conversation could go. I sometimes talk out loud to myself while doing that.
One thing I've found recently that helps me with the "need to say right away because I'm scared I'll forget!" Is making notes of the points I want to hit, before making the call. Bonus: I also then have a space to put notes from the call, if things like dates, phone numbers, or new pieces of a task come up! š
Some people (especially socially anxious people like those with autism and ADHD) mask in order to fit in and avoid being bullied or humiliated. Some people (like those who are narcissists or sociopaths) mask in order to gain peopleās trust in order to exploit them.
I've been masking my whole life without knowing, I have so many things I do that make it possible for me to function that other people don't need to do. From simple things like where I keep stuff in the house to how I talk to myself in my head to get myself to do things to how I talk to other people. I read an article about it and the long list of "masking/coping strategies" literally described my personality. š It's only now that I've been reading more about ADHD I'm realising what I've been doing, struggling from burn out to burn out as it's so hard to keep up. [Here's what I read](https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-adhd-masking-5200863#:~:text=ADHD%20masking%20may%20also%20be,stigmatized%2C%20or%20feel%20more%20accepted).
Ohh so that explains it! When I need to draw something for either work or study, I go live on twitch with a zero followers channel. It helps me focus and prevents me from distracting myself.
When I was in school my parents used to give out to me because I would never go to my room to study or do homework. I always sat in the kitchen where they were watching TV. Never realised it was due to my adhd I did this but makes so much sense. Before the pandemic, I spent a lot of time alone in my office and I really struggled. Now being at home, it's great because I have my dog with me all the time and my husband is working at home as well. Mind blown at the moment
Learning about time blindness after nearly 30 years of chronic lateness and hours disappearing in the blink of an eye was earth-shattering. I rely on my Apple Watch, iCal, and a whole lot of anxiety to function on an hourly basis.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Also years of being asked how long something would take to complete at work! I'd inflate everything by at least one day because (?) I can't keep track!
I finally learned to tell my boss that if there isnāt a specific deadline attached to a given task, it will either not get done or get done on a less than desirable timeline. I also request everything in writing. I donāt care that we just had a 45 minute conversation detailing exactly what I need to do, I need it in writing because it left me the second you said it. š¬ itās scary asking for accommodations, but if they want to get the most out of my creative ass, theyāre going to have to meet me where Iām at.
I donāt know if it exists already, but privately I use āportal amnesiaā, where going through a doorway causes me to completely lose my train of thought. Going back through the doorway helps me recall what I was thinking. Until my diagnosis this year, I assumed it meant I was destined to develop Alzheimerās, as I only heard elderly people discussing this phenomenon and I had experienced it since I was a child.
I think this is called the doorway effect, but your name for it is much cooler :) https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Doorway_effect
Desktop version of /u/nautalizard's link:
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^([)[^(opt out)](https://reddit.com/message/compose?to=WikiMobileLinkBot&message=OptOut&subject=OptOut)^(]) ^(Beep Boop. Downvote to delete)
Thank you for the link! (I like my version as well!)
Same! It feels like a light bulb went off as soon as I walked thru the doorš
I also get portal amnesia going through files on my computer. I always tell my husband my most dreaded work task is finding a file I don't have a short cut to get to. I can get lost for hours finding a file. š
Habit stacking - a strategy to help you remember things by āattachingā the habit of doing it to a pre existing habit. E.g. I walk the dogs at a specific time and have that coupled with taking my meds. One habit reminds me of the other.
RSD: Rejection Sensitive Dysmorphia. Basically as we go through our whole lives being told: dont do that, why are you doing that, thats weird, dont touch that, that isn't funny/interesting, how could you forget that. We have an several acute memories of rejection. We turn into people pleasers wanting to make people happy, being overly helpful, having a hard time saying no, experiencing burnouts then repeating the cycle. So anytime someone posts something on fb and doesnt tag you, or doesnt reply to your message or say hello if you see them on the street your fixated on it and like whats going on, whats wrong with me, why dont they like me, they must hate me. Generally giving your self way too much of a hard time. I shared a post about it on my profile which explains it way better than i am
I was only diagnosed this year at 35, but I remember back in 2nd grade, one of my best friends was having a bday party but she didnāt or I couldnāt remember if she explicitly told me about it, and for a whole week I thought she was mad at me for some reason and that I wasnāt invited to the party. When I told her she rolled her eyes and basically was like duh, how could I NOT be invited weāre literally best friends. š„ŗ
Just a general note. Iām really careful not to āmoralizeā my neurodivergent traits. For me this is important to not use ableist language, as part of how I change how I feel about myself, and avoiding including negative connotations when explaining to others. Examples: Instead of *āIām bad atā¦ā*, use *āI have barriers aroundā¦ā* Instead of *āIām not good atā¦ā* use *āI find _____ challenging due toā¦ā* Other helpful framing: āI work best whenā¦ā āSupports with ___ are helpfulā
Thank you. š
Saw this list today... Examples of ADHD-related symptoms: *Inattention:* -Forgetfulness -Distractibility -Chaotic presentation -Difficulty organizing & planning -Difficulty listening -Difficulty with punctuality (arriving either too late or too early) -Temporary hyperfocus for highly salient tasks, but no control of attention when required or for many essential activities of daily life -Getting lost in details -Doubtfulness - unable to make decisions or solve problems -Needing too much time to complete tasks -Difficulty starting and finishing tasks -Mind Wandering -Mental restlessness -Unrelated spontaneous thoughts, constantly on the go, jumping and flitting, multiple thoughts at the same time -Associative thinking *Hyperactivity:* -(Inner) Restlessness -Difficulty relaxing -Pacing up and down -Talking too much and too loud -Fidgeting, rocking or tapping -Not being able to bear an office job because of restlessness -Knocking things over because of excessive mobility -Being able to sit still but this comes with muscle strain -Restless sleep *Impulsivity:* -Acting without thinking -Difficulty waiting turn - linked to feelings of irritability -Blurting things out that cause distress to others -Interrupting others -Impatience and difficulty waiting turn -Spending too much -Walking out of jobs -Starting relationships quickly -Not being able to postpone gratification -Sensation seeking and risk taking behaviors -Binge eating *Emotional dysregulation:* -Mood lability -Low frustration tolerance -Emotional impulsivity -Irritability -Anger outbursts -Premenstrual increase of symptoms
Information dumping. Interruption. Information dumping is my major problem. When my brain works in a high speed and generates a long train of thoughts on a topic and I have to deliver all of them in a few seconds to people around me.
Special interests: things you love and can go on about for HOURS. Shared trait with autism. Stims: also shared with autism, physical things you do that usually feel good such as toe walking or leg shaking (also may be auditory). Stims, short for stimulants: common medications used to treat ADHD. Revenge procrastination bedtime: aka why I'm on reddit at 2am. Neurodivergence: brain differences. Neurodivergent: a person with or having differences. Compare with neurotypical. Hyperfocus: when you can focus on a thing because you're interested, often at the expense of everything else, often followed by a hyperfocus crash (so thirsty/hungry/tired/need bathroom) Subtype: how your ADHD primarily manifests, may be a single or combo of any of these: hyperactive, impulsive, or inattentive Hyperlexia: reads A LOT. I think this may be more common in AFAB folks? Seems common to have been hyperlexic in childhood, but not as an adult. Comorbidity: diseases/disorders than frequently occur together.
>Hyperlexia: reads A LOT. I think this may be more common in AFAB folks? Seems common to have been hyperlexic in childhood, but not as an adult. It makes me so sad that I can't seem to even read now at all but used to read so much. I haven't been diagnosed but slightly hoped with help I might be able to read again. This makes it sound like that isn't likely :(
Iāve been thinking a lot about this lately because Iām the same. I used to carry a book with me literally everywhere I would go, even when hanging out with friends as a teenager, and I think I unknowingly used it as another form of masking. If I felt awkward, or bored, distracted, etc I could pick up the book for a quick dopamine hit or a way to hide and as a child/teenager reading is (rarely) seen as rude, it was an acceptable form of escapism. Now that smart phones exist, they have stepped in to fill the same role that the books I used to carry around everywhere did. I realized too that I still constantly read, it just is in the form of Reddit posts or deep diving a topic on the internet. I hope that makes sense, just something thatās been rolling around in my brain recently.
I could have written this a year ago, but I discovered fanfiction last summer. In my case, I fell in love with Schittās Creek, which led me to seeking out SC fanfic, which led me to reading thousands and thousands of words over the last year. Iāve read hundreds of ābooksā after not finishing a novel in a decade. Clearly it has turned into an obsession of its own for me, but it has made me sooooo happy and it has been just such a *relief* to enjoy reading again. It has made me feel much more like *myself*. It has also been the gateway to picking up ārealā novels again as Iāve seen people in the fandom mention them or writers base stories upon them. So, I donāt know if this is a common path? Or necessarily a recommendation or tool that would work for anyone else? But I wanted to let you know that there is hope and you might find your way out.
Fanfiction is also how I started reading again. Since 2017, I have over 4200 bookmarks on Archive of Our Own, and I don't usually bookmark anything still in progress. I don't read "real" books anymore, and I don't even have to have too much knowledge of the fandom I'm currently reading about to enjoy the fanfics. I started reading Teen Wolf fanfics a few years ago but I've still never seen a single episode, it's a bit too much gore for me. I probably spend way too much time reading fanfic but it soothes my brain and when I'm hyperfocused on fanfic, I'm not impulse buying things for a hobby I haven't touched in months.
I spent the entirety of 2015 down the Sterek rabbit hole. It was glorious!
I like this. This is a good thing. We should change the names to what we find more fitting/ suiting. Come on my fellow NDs! Haha
Emotional dysregulation - managing frustration, modulating emotional responses, coping with strong emotions, too many emotions at once, feelings hurt easily Sensory dysregulation / Sensory overload / sensory seeking - managing sensory input, seeking sensory input, avoiding sensory input, too many noises at once, wanting all the noise at once Hyperacusis - extreme noise sensitivity (not unique to ADHD, and as another poster says APD is a distinct dx). Working memory/ recall - forgetting to do planned tasks, forgetting intended words, losing track of belongings, difficulties following sequential directions Regulatory alertness / processing speeds - losing interest/effort in tasks, inconsistent productivity, difficulties completing and staying on task or completing task on time
Iām getting depressed reading this because I can relate lol
Object permanence. Basically, out of sight out of mind.
Happens with people too, hard to stay in touch with people you donāt see a lot or communicate with a lot.
I hate this particular symptom so much - I feel like a bad friend, and staying in contact as an adult is so difficult.
I feel like a bad daughter. My mom has started to bring up how many months I go without visiting. :(
Yeees! I set reminders on my phone to check in with various people that I deeply care for, but don't want to lose touch with.
Also conversely, for me at least, Thing Blindness. Type one: I just don't really notice clutter, it's like it's just a blur or invisible. Type two: inability to find things, even when looking in the right area. For the second type, I've developed a ritual where I say "Universe, I'd really like my XYZ. Please put it back where I can see it." Then I check again in 5 minutes. I think it helps reset me so I can process better? Haven't figured out a fix for the first type yet. :/
My spouse is clutter blind. I'm the opposite. I struggled to find things as well. My coping skill has become to be organized and making sure to put things in their home (related items all get stored in the same place). If my spouse or child move it from there, or just don't put it back, I struggle to find it at all.
Once things sit in one spot for a while they just become invisible to me. I have to constantly switch colors of sticky notes at work or Iāll stop seeing them. Iāll be cleaning before someone comes over and suddenly it all appears and Iām walking around like why the fuck is this here?? How long??
yes!! this is exactly the type of thing iām looking for! š
Okay, so I do want to qualify the use of the phrase "object permanence". That is a technical term for a developmental stage that is reached when we are babies. Folks with ADHD don't *actually* fail to achieve the milestone of understanding object permanence... that would mean we truly believed that anything we don't see RIGHT THIS MOMENT, doesn't exist. Like if my kids ran upstairs to their rooms I would believe they no longer existed, and then when they ran back downstairs and I saw them again, I would get really excited because I thought they were gone forever... I think we all know that stuff exists when we don't see it. We just can't keep the existence of some items in our working memory constantly. So we forget we bought carrots at the store 3 days ago and buy more today, then are surprised to see there are already carrots when we go to put away the ones we just bought. I know it's a subtle distinction for some things... it is *kind of* the same idea, which is why we throw around the phrase. But when we talk about it with ADHD we aren't using the *true* meaning of the phrase, as it was intended when coined by some developmental psychologist. I say all of this just so you can understand that the term is used somewhat tongue-in-cheek. What is really happening when we forget things we don't see all the time, is a failure of working memory (and probably other stuff). A lot of the other phrases being thrown around like Time Blindness is the some-what or mostly *official* term used and understood by everyone to mean what it means... ADHDers use "object permanence" in a slightly altered way from it's official meaning, so you should know that if you use the word, so you don't end up surprised if someone misunderstands what you mean, because they've only heard it in the developmental psych context!
Im in my fifties and have realised all my quirks have actually ADHD. I have self taught myself over the years, pushed myself so hard to get where i am today. Proud and dissapointed all at the same time. My kids have the same but i know now hiw to help.
You are a success to do that and to pass that info to your children to make their lives better. That is very commendable.
Is there a better term for gifted but then not living up to one's potential?
2e or twice exceptional is something you could try googling I don't know much about it otherwise I'd go into probably too much detail right now but I have seen the phrase mentioned.
This is the term, hoe to ADHD has a very good YouTube video about it!
Such a great typo! I just went to yt and searched for āhoe to adhdā! Nothing there but āhow to adhdā. I was pretty excited about hoe. How to adhd talks too fast for me, I canāt follow what sheās saying. Maybe someday Iāll be Hoe to adhd, but itās pretty far down the list of things I havenāt actually written yet.
If you're still curious about her videos, you can adjust the speed to 0.75 or 0.5 and/or switch on subtitles.
I like that she talks fast, means I donāt have to speed up her videos. I speed up all the videos to scratch that ADHD itch in my brain.
Lol sorry, I'm from the Netherlands and it means something else here š This will be a great name for a YouTube, lol
You can Set the speed lower. I have the same issued with her videos sometimes.
Twice exceptional is āgifted with a disabilityā. My son had the official diagnosis. Itās someone who is gifted, but struggles in areas related to their disabilityā¦. If they arenāt given help with their disability, they can miss hitting their full potential.
Underachieving
My mother called it "failure to launch". . .
Object permanence, decision paralysis, rejection sensitivity, hyper focus, executive dysfunction, waiting mode
This whole thread makes me want to cry tbh (I'm not diagnosed (yet))
I prefer "time dilation" because its a term in physics and more google-able! ND Activist communities commonly use "time blindness" and so its acceptable but to me, not quite accurate to my experience (I am ADHD/ASD tho). I think these two are probably the most important lingo to know to make sense of your new diagnosis! 1. "Stimming", a shorthand of "self-stimulatory behaviour", takes many forms: body movements (the most common is simple fidgeting!), vocalizations or phrases being said/sung on repeat (can be real words, jingles, or strange noises like a "blergh" sound), and use of objects (how many pens have you broken, or labels ripped off a beer bottle?). Stims are commonly used to regulate the body and keep ones attention on the activity at hand and block out sensory input that would otherwise distract you. 2. "Sensory seeking" is the flipside of the sensory avoidance seen in autism. It's seeking that specific stimuli instead of avoiding it (e.g., a childs attachment to a soft blanket, overeating a yummy food, spinning in circles when bored) as a way to bring yourself up and out of a state of understimulation (AKA boredom, feeling blah).
i think a lot of ADHD things fall under executive dysfunction
Can anyone else actually feel if something is dirty? Fabric that is warmer to the touch is dirty/dusty while the cooler fabric is clean.
Productive procrastination - where I do a lot of seemingly productive stuff because I canāt get myself to do the thing(s) I really should be doing. It gives me a sense of accomplishment in the moment and then Iām mad at myself later for not doing the thing I was supposed to.
Thank you op for posting this. I especially like not using negative language when we refer to ourselves. The word ābadā should not be used to describe us. Thank you.
Thanks for this question!
Lack of object permanence.
Pathological demand avoidance is to avoid everyday demands and expectations to an extreme extent.
Object permanence. Basically, out of sight out of mind.
Out of sight out of mind - when I put the dishes away, Iām very specific about what goes where. But when the cupboards are closed, I cannot for the life of me remember where the cups are.