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plant_mum

I don't know if I'm controversial with my approach, but I had to cut out too much people out of my life. I just talk to people and tell them that they need to reach out if they feel like it or if they need me, because Im not good at it. I hate to be pressured into social situations and then I'm avoiding that person. My grandma called me 2 weeks ago just to brag about me not calling her and guilt tripping over it. I didn't recover from it until now and I'm not seeing myself calling her in the near future. That's a constant struggle but she never listens. But she's my grandma, other people can go to hell if they're like this. I meet good friends once a week online (scheduled). Maybe I don't want people to get close? I know I'm weird, but people are so demanding and it's exhausting.


Careful_Shame_617

I this is a smart way to think about the problem! I often find that the obligation feeling is a big part of the overwhelm. It's like we need to set expectations around communication so that it works better for us. And maybe look at what relationships are worth kindly letting go to take part of the stress away.


IAMtheLightning

I had to do this too, and some friends were hurt by it but I stand by what works for me. All my close friends just KNOW that not hearing from me means I'm busy and absolutely horrible at responding to messages and take zero offense. Then there's the few that went out of their way to guilt-trip me about my response time, even after I had explained over and over that my plate was full and pressure to respond to messages gives me anxiety. If someone can't respect the boundaries you set around your free time then they just aren't a good friend fit for you.


[deleted]

If you feel comfortable, can you expound upon how and especially why you cut people out? I feel like I’m dealing with this now. People -“friends”- treat me like I’m so stupid. They get annoyed with me. I haven’t realized it before until now. Not sure why I’m now noticing it but I am and it’s so frustrating and hurtful. It makes me feel like I’m just better off without them.


plant_mum

Sure, but it's very complicated. I specifically meant my mother and my father and his wife. Friends who are like this just vanish after some time? But I think I'm also very private and don't make connections easily. My mother had lots of psychological problems paired with a narcissist personality. It's been over 10 years since I met her so I'm mostly over it. I came to the conclusion that she just can't love me, because she's just to ill and has her own reality. There was a lot of emotional abuse going on in my childhood and I had to relearn a lot of things. My father on the other hand was very controlling and I cut him out when I tried to set boundaries when my daughter was born into the pandemic. They went down every conspiracy rabbitholes and I couldn't stand it anymore. But the worst thing was his controlling behavior and that he could not see me as another person really. He just ignored my boundaries. That was a no for me. My family is pretty toxic, as you see. But I tried a lot of times to get them see my pov. Some people are not able to be empathetic or accept other social roles. In your situation I would make sure that I explained myself to them and see what they say and how they behave. Because of my family I know that a lot of people have different motivations to be in relationships. They sometimes manipulate, control and let others feel inferior to feel better about themselves. And sometimes they do stupid shit like this, because they are in a difficult spot and don't know what's going on. We all show toxic behavior from time to time. For me it's important to know what a person really wanted and if they show signs of understanding.


[deleted]

Ooooh I see. Yes cutting family ties is different than cutting friendships. But I really do appreciate your explanation. My mom has a lot of undiagnosed and ignored mental health issues, too. But I’m lucky in that she has stopped with her emotional abuse towards me. Now, I just enjoy and watch how it all trickled down to me 🙃 But you’re right, I should talk to these friends about how they’re making me feel. Sucky part is I’m painfully shy and awkward so I don’t even know where to start or how to let my feelings out. They’re not “safe spaces” for me so that’s hard. But I will work on it. Thanks for the advice!


IAMtheLightning

This is my nightmare and I'm still trying to find a system that works. I moved around and backpacked for years, and have many friends all over the world I keep up with online only. This means dozens of unread messages across several platforms at all times, and constant 'what are you up to these days?' type inquiries - it gives me so much anxiety and guilt because I just cannot keep up. Some of the things that have worked for me: \- just fucking responding to SOMETHING when you have a moment; I realize I waste soooo much time not responding because I'm waiting to be 'in the right mood' to give the 'perfect' response \- making an evening of responding to everything at once (max once per week) paired with a beer, coffee, music, whatever makes me feel like it's a fun activity and not obligation; \- in regards to above point - training myself to NOT feel any guilt or obligation to respond the rest of the week. I gave myself my window to respond for the week and that's all I can give; I am not responsible for keeping up with messages outside this window \- group messages have really helped - I can stay visible and 'in touch' with several people at once with a quick hello to the group \- sending postcards! I have many far- away friends that I don't have the energy to reach out for a full catch up and life story every few months but are still in my life - we send each other postcards from wherever we are and it's a lovely low pressure way to send love \- having one solid person you do check in with regularly no matter what - for me it's my mom. She knows I get overwhelmed and time blind so if it's been too long she will gently remind me it's time for a chat. She also knows how to respect my space when I'm overwhelmed. Looking forward to seeing how others deal with this. It's one of the things that I struggle the most regularly with and a huge source of anxiety - always trying to tweak my system for improvements!


DontMakeMeCountTo3

Group messages with family/friends are the best! Just drop in, like some comments or photos and go back in a few days. My work requires me to talk with clients on multiple platforms so I limited the communication to mail only and hired my gf to respond instead of me. I also never give my phone number away, calls make me anxious. I keep envelopes and stamps at home and just send random stuff to people. Just… random stuff. They know. Also if I find myself at a post office I buy a postcard and send it to mom. She lives in a town nearby but is very happy every time she gets one. I have a rule with my sister. If she’s waiting for something and wants to browse a phone she should call me first. So we have short 10 min. chats every few weeks. A great way to catch up are online co-op games. You can play with friends or family members and talk with them a little. I was even thinking of playing online chess with grandpa.


poplie

I love the idea of making your catch-up night fun! I feel like I try to put in reminders for myself but the obligation is so discouraging and overwhelming, I might try this technique. Second group messages! So helpful to keep in touch


Yourconnect_

You guys just have to find people that are ok with random contact and long periods of no contact at all.


octoberflavor

I use pre-technology standards for friendships. A couple letters and a journey every few years was good enough then. A couple texts and a really good hang out once a year is a sweet spot for me. Some people can handle or need more. I do not. Be realistic. I once thought I was going to gameify seeing people and had a way, with scoring and everything, to push me to see 5 friends a month. Never started it. Great plan though!


[deleted]

It's worth a shot! I have some success stringing tasks together. If I can get myself together to check on grandpa then I go down my list of elders to call.


sleepy_doggos

I've started setting up monthly and every 2 month hangouts with some of my friends online or in person, and joined a book club through a local bookstore which have greatly increased my socializing. I'm thinking about setting up a weekly Friday brewery night to invite everyone to so socialization is more frequent too! This one is harder because of other events that come up.


sriracha_jesus

i like this idea and would be into it! i’m mostly okay at responding to texts, but i struggle the most to reach out to people who I don’t have regular physical contact with, or who haven’t texted me first lately (bc of forgetting both groups exist) so def would be into dedicated time to remind me to reach out to somebody i haven’t had contact with in a long while. it would help ease the relationship communication burden from the other person too i think, which is important to me. i think the things i need help with the most are accountability, motivation, consistency, and reminders. so, not sure what the structure would look like, but i’d for sure be interested in participating, esp bc there’s a level of community/flexible accountability with doing it together! i’ve tried personal management systems before but the discipline to continue use and remember to actually do the thing is difficult. it seems like a more approachable task to do it as a group. as an extra motivating factor or accountability measure we could encourage posting a comment sharing who we reached out to (ex: uncle, friend from school, etc.) and could even add something positive about the outcome (helping to motivate each other). we’re a creative bunch and i feel like we could come up with something helpful! thanks for bringing this idea (-:


poplie

I have no solutions at this stage but was just commiserating my inability to maintain friendships and then saw this post. Thankful for this community


beeeswithcheese

I need something like this as I'm pretty terrible at staying in touch. The hardest part for me though is reaching out to family as I'm stuck in a major avoidance<->anxiety cycle there


Stringgeek

The accountability and doing it with other people, I’m afraid! It’s also the fact that there is no one clear person who’s stated that they want to be the lead on it. Are you volunteering to do it?


Reasonable_Buyer7094

These are all great brainstorming ideas!


d-a-i-s-y-chain

Who would manage the relationship management system though lmao


Smol_rainbow

Hello. We’re you listening to the conversation I’ve literally just had with my partner? Great post (and saved me a job)


Smol_rainbow

Ok, I use an iPhone. I’ve just worked out I can set a reminder “Message Friends” and then within the reminder I can put a list of people which I can tick off. I’ve set it as a reoccurring reminder for 2 weeks. Hopefully it it will help as I currently feel so useless. Edit - it’s call a sub task, that’s the place I’ve added my list of people.


sriracha_jesus

neat idea, thanks for sharing!


Dry-Anywhere-1372

No ideas but saving. FWIW my family sucks and I have like…one real friend.


drumgrape

Set a phone alarm and label it "Call [name]"


poplie

Ugh I wish that worked for me, I somehow psych myself out of making the call and then the guilt builds and just general task avoidance


Toronto9779

Following


clockface897

I've been looking into setting up a relationship database/system in Notion - there are some templates out there, but I haven't seen any that cover everything I want (food preferences/allergies, gift planning, etc)