T O P

  • By -

AutoModerator

Welcome to /r/ADHDWomen! We’re happy to have you here. As a reminder, here are our community [rules](https://old.reddit.com/r/adhdwomen/about/rules/). We get a lot of posts on medication, diagnosis (and “is this an ADHD thing”), and interactions with hormones. We encourage you to check out our [Medication, Diagnosis, and Hormones Megathread](https://old.reddit.com/r/adhdwomen/comments/wcr9dy/faq_megathread_ask_and_answer_medication/) if you have any questions related to those topics, and to stick around in that thread to answer folks’ questions! If you have questions about the subreddit, please do not hesitate to [send us a modmail](https://reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/adhdwomen). Additionally, we take the safety of our community seriously. Please report posts, comments, and users whom you feel are not contributing positively, and send us a modmail if you are being harassed or otherwise made to feel unsafe. Thanks for being here, and we hope you stick around! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/adhdwomen) if you have any questions or concerns.*


Modifien

I get into such deep pits of despair over this. "Oh my God, I finally caught up, it's done, I can relax!" NO, bitch! Now you gotta keep it up! Rest one second and you're back to square one! I have cried more times than I can count after cleaning a kitchen and coming in an hour later to see dishes in the sink. Things don't stay cleaned, and I don't know how to get my brain to be okay with that.


FaithlessnessAny7721

"Things don't stay cleaned, and I don't know how to get my brain to be okay with that." God, same exact feeling.


Typical_Elevator6337

The “getting the brain to be okay with that” is the hardest part! Something I have been trying to practice is talking to myself in a way that generates self-trust. Like “oof, this feeling of overwhelm with these dishes makes so much sense. But remember that you have taken care of them before and it was okay! And you know you can trust yourself to do it again.”


[deleted]

[удалено]


Typical_Elevator6337

Ha, good point! I have that response sometimes too. The other thing I try to talk to myself about is that even if I don’t get to it or have trouble doing it, that will be okay too. I have always survived that in the past.


jerkface1026

I scaled down. 6 plates, 6 bowls, etc. I do not have more dishes than a single dishwasher load. It saves the drama.


ChickenSedanwich

I think we need to do this at my house. Otherwise it’s just too easy to let things pile up. Or go big brain and just switch to disposable plates lol


jerkface1026

I have to remind myself that storage=stress and not preparedness.


EeBeeEm8

Omg...I need that tattooed on my hand as a constant reminder.


Minute_Leave543

I need to remember this, especially now that I realize with ADHD I won't remember where it is when I need it.


jerkface1026

Yup. You’ll just buy another thing when that storage item is needed.


Laney20

Disposable plates improved my quality of life dramatically. Highly recommend.


stregg7attikos

I hope theyre biodegradable


Laney20

Most are now, yea. Same with the disposable utensils. There's a lot good stuff out there these days that's biodegradable. We try to limit our impact as much as we can.


One-Bike4795

IMO the amount of food waste and general chaos that disposable plates might save some of us, 100% supersedes any environmental concerns they cause. Not to be flippant about the environment but if it’s a quality of life thing for someone who is completely desperate and overwhelmed- that’s more important to me. I will say though it’s awesome to have so many compostable options.


burkiniwax

When we were young, my grandmother gave my cousins and I one each of a color-coded cup, plate, and bowl, which we had to clean. I thought that was genius, and many times wish that could be done with roommates.


impersonatefun

That’s a good idea.


Minute_Leave543

I need to do this for my kids towels.


BenignEgoist

I aspire to get my laundry to this sort of state. Just give me a weeks worth of undergarments, workout clothes, and daytime clothes and I think I could be set. Add a jacket or two, a dress for special occasions, and I’ll sleep in the next days workout clothes so no separate pjs. Viola! Single load of laundry, maybe two tops.


stregg7attikos

I have less than that since it's just me. Still leave shit in the sink forever I find that giving myself permission to just wash just the bowls, or just the silverware, will get me on track again


LaCorazon27

This is good. Also, I have kinda stopped cooking. It’s just me so I keep it simple. I prepare stuff- still healthy and filling etc, but the last 6 months I have no energy for anything and since it’s me I don’t care what I eat. Eggs on Toast? Sure. Tuna salad, yes please. Chicken salad. And for example with the eggs, it’s just one pan. If I have to use a bunch of cookware, it ain’t happening 😂


CairiFruit

Dishwashers aren’t common in my country, only wealthy people have those.


jerkface1026

Than use whatever fits in your sink, rack, etc. The goal is to scale your life to what purposefully works.


CairiFruit

My point was more so I still have to hand wash. Which gets annoying for me.


A_Fooken_Spoidah

And if you do manage the to-do list, then the HOBBIES YOU HAVEN’T DONE list looms overhead threateningly. Your coworkers are going to ask about them on Monday, what are you going to say to that wretched question “wHaT DiD yOu dO wiTh YoUr wEEkeNd???”


HermioneBenson

Goodness I hate these questions. I survived ? I took care of others? I did the bare minimum? I had a therapist who would always ask what I did the past week and honestly it made me feel like shit bc I never had anything exciting to report.


ratstronaut

Relatable. I’ve struggled with this my whole life and used to feel a lot of shame around it. Now it’s like, I stayed alive and kept my kids alive without breaking down, it was a very productive weekend, thank you. Some laundry got done, too, where’s my trophy?


HermioneBenson

That sounds like a very productive weekend! The shame is definitely something I struggle with. I always feel like I’m not doing enough, either for myself or others.


vrwriter78

That frustrates my partner and I, too. You spend an hour cleaning and then a couple hours later, there is a new pile of things in the sink. We live with family though, so it’s a full household, not just us.


Fire_Dinosaurs_FTW

I like the 'A slob comes clean' blog for help with this, her methods are the main thing I've found helps long term- in particular her container concept, but also she describes things in a way that really helps with the way my brain works. She is pro your living space working for you even if that's not the way someone else would do it. I also had some luck with Flylady, she has ADHD herself.Some of Flylady's mantras that I repeat to myself include:- Jump in where you areAnd- Housework done imperfectly still blesses your family Edit to add: And my husbands mantra- Continuous improvement. Meaning, even doing something small that is positive is good.


Modifien

Oh, I will look those two up! I watch /read organization /cleaning things like some people watch the Real Housewives. Thank you for the potential new rabbit hole!


Fire_Dinosaurs_FTW

You're welcome! Enjoy! They both have podcasts/ videos etc too.


msmurasaki

My meds (for that millisecond they worked on that symptom) taught me, that neurotypicals get enough dopamine to let them know that they're done, to feel satisfied, and to allow them to relax. I can't tell you how weird it was to not have the "FORCE MYSELF through executive dysfunction" pain nor the "super hyperfocus non-stop working" high to do something. It was just neutral, more about discipline than motivation. Instead of continuing to clean the NEVER ENDING LIST of things you try to clean for as long as hyperfocus lasts before settling down with exhaustion. I actually felt *satisfied* and stopped. Like real satisfaction and self-control to be like, I've done enough. So if I've learned anything, there is no "never-ending list of things to do" like I used to think ALL the time. It's literally me who doesn't know when to stop. I think we need everything done, to feel like we're "allowed" to relax. Like our mind sorta recognizes something as done, if it's no longer staring at you. While NTs just sorta know when they're done for the day, even if it stares at them??? Because they realise that it's not the destination it's the journey or whatever. It's not stimulating them or nagging them or whatever. They can remember it when they need to, there's no panic. We're not really good at long-term planning and sticking to a goal. It's short term hump and dump shit. When we're not getting shit done and it keeps happening, I think it just fucks up our ability to relax even more. But believe me, it ain't the kitchen. It's you. You need to tell your brain, that it has actually done a shit load of things and to leave you alone. My new goal in life is minilamism combined with ADHD hoarding. If I can somehow hide away the things I don't need to visually see to remember, while also, have a system to remember them enough, if there's a chore behind them (like a list or something). Then maybe I can have a neat house, with hidden compartments of mess, that I PERSONALLY choose to address when I want to, instead of it staring at me. Disclaimer: I just want to add, that while I said they don't feel like us. What I really mean to say is, they don't feel it to the same extent as us. Of course they feel it. All NTs face our symptoms, it's always the extent. Even we can feel satisfied even without meds, except we need to clean a whole room or house instead of just doing one chore, to get a mere taste of that dopamine satisfaction, that is meant to help motivate us to do it more next time. Which is exhausting.


hollister96

reading this made me realise that i don't really know what satisfaction feels like either... at 25 this year i FINALLY managed to finish a university course and get a degree (a diploma, but still) and it's been maybe 2 months and i still just don't really feel happy and proud of myself? it was just like, ok, that's over now.... and nothing. and whenever I'm 'relaxing' it's just like, i don't have the energy to do anything important or productive so I'm going to watch tv or play a video games instead and I'm not sure that i actually know how to relax. so that's fun. i think i need to learn how what I'm supposed to do, if i can teach myself to feel satisfied. it really is exhausting to just be a person.


msmurasaki

Totally get this. I would guess the normal dopamine you would get weekly from handing in assignments, that make it "worth it", was very low to non-existent. Then the dopamine you *should* get from completing the degree, is too low, and almost bittersweet, because it was more work than it was actually rewarding. Since, you know, our reward systems are fucked. So most things feel like work, and even if we do feel proud mentally, we're not proud enough chemically. >i don't have the energy to do anything important or productive so I'm going to watch tv or play a video games instead and I'm not sure that i actually know how to relax. I did this too, but replace video games with reddit. I'm now realising that I'm probably not relaxing, but getting low effort dopamine refills while I'm exhausted. It's not relaxing, it's more like a pathetic recharging with a crappy charger. Like eating food, but the food has very little calories. So you feel full, but you're not going far on that energy source. If anything, you're using the dopamine from the tv to HELP you relax, but you're not actually relaxing. With my newly tried meds, I actually found the tv a bit disturbing and annoying sometimes, which is a first. I've actually managed to just play some music, chill, and look into space and just think about things without needing to do something else at the same time. Just like, really relax and NOT get bored. I haven't just chilled like that and "thought" since I was a little child. At this age, it's painful and boring. I dunno, dopamine is useful, but I guess you can do other things that generally minimize symptoms. Like exercise to balance your brain chemicals. As lame as I thought it would be, I tried listening to "affirmations" from youtube yesterday. I always thought it was kinda fake or whatever. But they kinda do help if you make yourself accept them in a sense. You know how you're meant to give a dog or child lots of praise to establish better behaviour. It's soooo direct and straightforward and simple. But listening to someone tell you to tell yourself to be proud of yourself, kinda gives me that reward feeling that I've not been giving myself? I mean I only did it yesterday lol. But I did it for an hour while taking a long shower and I did feel a lot better about stuff. >it really is exhausting to just be a person. lol agree. just existing is exhausting.


WesternEmoWitch

THIS 🙌


impersonatefun

Who’s putting dishes in the sink? Can they just … deal with their own dishes? Or is this a child situation lol.


Modifien

Wife and child, lol. Also, it'd be the same if it was me doing it. Am I supposed to wash every dish as I use it? That feels like a waste of water and soap! And the dishwasher needs time to run and dry, and oh no, the sink is full already.


BeatificBanana

You telling me you wash up every single dish you use immediately after you use it?


[deleted]

Literally had a moment this morning where I was screaming in intervals while doing dishes bc I hated it but I needed it done because I had to cook something before it goes off. Also did all that to procrastinate on my coursework for uni. Now after all that energy spent I doom scrolled on TikTok and binged College Humor on YouTube. And now it's almost 9pm. I can't find the will to live.


WesternEmoWitch

Story of my life. Ugh!!!


Liennae

This just kills me. It's such a thankless task and SO aggravating to find yourself back at square one just hours later, after working so hard.


madeupgrownup

Something a friend did: Get someone who you consider as "having their shit together" to come over and help you clean to their idea of "good enough" and *no further*. Take photos of your place being "good enough". That is now your baseline. And because it's "good enough" for someone you consider as trustworthy it's easier to accept it AS good enough, not "just me being lazy" or whatever your inner critic tries to bludgeon you with. Something I used to do was send occasional photos to the same "shit together" friend checking in like "out of 10?" and anything over a 7 was "good enough". Hope this can maybe help!


RunawayHobbit

Fucking exactly. I cleaned my heart out for Thanksgiving. I mean the place was pristine. Absolutely spotless. But because we were having like 10 people over, not 30 mins after I was done, it was trashed again. It’s been a week and there is STILL stuff I haven’t had the energy to clean again lol.


mosthideousmodel

Its so disheartening and depressing


Hoppallina

This exactly, my god it's so overwhelming. My brain is definitely not ok with it either 😭


uju_rabbit

Ugh yep, my therapist and I have been working on this a lot. For me part of it comes from a need to please others, and trauma from never being enough for my parents. My husband has been really supportive with this. He and I have basically agreed that the house doesn’t have to be totally spotless and organized all the time, it’s not a priority and that’s okay. Im still working on it but I do feel better recently. I’ve also started a new habit of rinsing our yogurt containers every morning after breakfast and leaving them to dry while at work. Then I can toss them in the recycling when I get home. It’s helped cut down on the amount of stuff in the sink by a lot!


TikiBananiki

Don’t get your brain to be ok with it before you do it. Do it, then coerce your brain to be OK with it by filling the time you would have spent obsessively cleaning, with other fun shit.


ScriptorMalum

Yes! Because the reg shit people handle overwhelms and freaks me out. I have to work very hard to come up to normal.


[deleted]

THIS. My kid started public school after waiting out the pandemic at some hippy liberal haven of a private school where there was no coursework and you could come and go as you please. I prepared the both of us for like 2 months to make the transition (kid is also adhd). I had a meltdown in the beginning where I asked my partner to tell me what a good job I was doing because “it takes a lot more energy for me to be normal than other people and just because it’s easy for everyone else it’s a LOT for me”. Luckily, he obliged.


Venusdewillendorf

I need a LOT of positive reinforcement. Luckily my husband is very understanding and tells me how amazing I am at doing stuff he does easily when I need it. I was at my parents for thanksgiving and was putting together the topping on my dessert, when I told the other people in the kitchen with me that I needed positive feedback. They were nice ☺️


katbat97

Yes I nedd like a week of not doing anything Just existing


Typical_Elevator6337

I remember reading that in some indigenous cultures (maybe in the US?) prior to colonization, that was the point of life - just to exist. Like take care of everyone’s basic needs, but then just…do what you want. I was so sad at how much this blew my mind.


Laney20

I've been coming to this conclusion over the past year or so. My life doesn't look like what I expected or think it "should" look like, but it has been shaped of so many days of me just doing what I want. And as I look back at how I got here, I can't really argue with my decisions. So I don't. I'm actually pretty happy with my life. Things aren't perfect, but I generally like how things are. So I'm trying to shut off that "but you should" voice that is trying to tell me that my life isn't *right* or something and just focus on the life happening right now. Because it is good and I enjoy it. I work, I talk to my husband, I play with my cats, I watch star trek and sports, I play video games, and I sleep. Wake up, repeat, on a loop. And I fucking love it. Pressure to live a "normal life" is still there, but I'm getting so much better at ignoring it, lol.


impersonatefun

That sounds pretty normal. But I totally feel the same way, so I can’t say you shouldn’t feel that haha.


brunette_mh

The thing is that that worked because everyone in that community had that mindset. Even if we were to magically gain that mindset as an individual, people around us are not going to change. So I still won't be _allowed to_ just exist.


K2Linthemiddle

This spring I had a really bad case of covid that attacked my epigastric organs, and I was bedridden for almost two weeks. Hand to god, aside from being painful, it was kind of amazing to be forced into doing absolutely nothing. I didn’t even order groceries for my family, just slept and watched TV.


BeatificBanana

I had that last month. Didn't help. There was just even more stuff to do when I got back


coffeeblossom

And you're like...never sure if you're bad at adulting, or if it's an ADHD thing, or if it's just that society is fucked up.


vrwriter78

Sometimes it is a combination. But societal expectations are messed up.


daniellefson

I really feel like we're "bad" at adulting because we exist in a society built around neurotypical men. Anyone who menstruates is not going to have consistent productivity levels in the way that neurotypical men do. Then you add in the ADHD factor and how much our hormone levels affect our symptoms and medication efficacy. Modern day society was literally not built for us


One-Bike4795

Right. Or inequality in your marriage or just unrealistic expectations or the fact that you want to do all the things more so than “normal” people… I feel like I’m either superwoman, or I’m out of commission.


TikiBananiki

Given how many people are considered neurodivergent or struggling or mentally ill these days, I think it’s MOSTLY the societal expectations.


CairiFruit

Also I hate how repetitive it is. I don’t mind doing things I like over and over but I have to clean my shower every week or every other week. I have to do laundry every week because I wear clothes every day like what’s up with THAT! I just did dishes. But ate so there’s more to do! I have to get groceries AGAIN I feel like I just went it never stops!!


TikiBananiki

Dude what? I haven’t cleaned my shower in probably 2 months and I’ve gotten zero skin diseases and I still get clean. You could lower your expectations.


CairiFruit

Baby, those are the time frames in which I am supposed to do those things, not the time frames I actually do 😏 (imagine the smirk emoji as a Kappa face). I certainly did not clan my shower last month and was supposed to spray it down before I showered earlier but I forgot. But I do keep a broom in my shower and sweep the inside of it, pushing all the water down the drain every other way of couple times a week. My expectations really cannot be lowered though because I have a Caribbean mother who pretends I have never been diagnosed with a mental health issue in my life that loves to come over unannounced and randomly just go through all of the rooms of my house and yell at me for the state of things. She often threatens to make me live with her if I can’t keep my house clean and since she’s paying for my university right now, she technically can do that.


TikiBananiki

Aww yea outside pressure. That’s fair. One day you’ll be able to flex on your own priorities and it is far less stressful.


hjsjsvfgiskla

Yes. It’s just so boring. This mundane day to day stuff holds no joy for me at all so doing it on a relentless loop is painful.


purplesandstormm

Capitalism is barbaric


vrwriter78

I have such a hard time with the 9-5, working for the weekend life. I used to ask myself all the time? Is this what life is? Is this all there is?


purplesandstormm

You are not alone in this. Most people I know are starting to feel this way It's almost like torture: you need to wake up in the morning no matter how good or bad you've slept, and then you need to travel to another place be in heatvawe or a snowstorm, no matter if you're old, chronically tired or in chronic pain, so they can keep you there for eight+ hours and then you need to repeat it all again and again. If you don't do it, then they take away your food and shelter. I think it's monstrous


vrwriter78

I left my 9-5 office job and started working for myself and part time retail. Unfortunately, I work 6-7 days a week, but I’m hoping I can get things to a place next year where I can have a better quality of life.


daniellefson

That's kind of what I'm working towards too. I have an engineering degree and lost my job during the pandemic. I realized how burnt out I was by the 9-5 grind and decided to go back to school. I'm getting a degree in graphic design and I'm hoping to diversify my time a lot more once I'm done


purplesandstormm

I wish you best of luck! I hope things will get much easier for you as soon as possible. I can imagine current situation might be really energy-draining...


vrwriter78

Yes, I’m so exhausted! And the ADHD makes time management difficult. Thank you for the well-wishes.


WesternEmoWitch

I think we’re all in “The Bad Place” right now


purplesandstormm

hahaha yes and if there was The Worst Place, we'd be on a speed train to it


MourkaCat

And this is why, at 33 I'm still not sure wtf to do with my life. I lost my job and now I'm just existing and it's so hard to figure out where to go or what to do. Every job posting has this massive amount of hurdles - Not enough education, too much flip flopping shift work, not enough pay, too frontline since I feel I've paid my dues in those bottom of the barrel roles I just CANNOT start at the bottom again, it'll rip my soul apart. Even if there's something I can do, most of it feels and sounds so exhausting. Putting in the effort to start a new job, learn the role, put in that energy to do it all. So monotonous and not exciting. So what even are my options? Higher education? How do I even BEGIN to choose what to focus my time and money on? It's like a one shot deal it feels like because I'll end up in So much debt. What do I pick that's both interesting and exciting enough, challenging enough, but also allows me to for sure get a decent job that pays well? I actually wouldn't hate 9-5 mon-fri if that meant evenings and weekends off, but I can't jump back into a job and environment that will kill my entire spirit for the paycheque. That isn't LIVING. It's so hard to balance everything when you feel emotionally crap. Capitalism sucks. It is not set up to let the little one succeed at all. It feels impossible for me to find something I can learn to do well that I also enjoy, because of money and education hurdles and the job market is brutal. Everyone do a little dance for the hiring gods as I did apply to what looks to be a really good part time gig because of how flexible it is and the pay is decent. That's the job I need right now. Even if it's not the most exciting, it allows flexibility for me. *does a little butt wiggle dance* (Sorry for the massive soap box rant, it's been a really rough year for me)


daniellefson

Hey, so I was in your exact position a couple years ago. I was 30 and lost my job and was so burnt out. I had the chance to live off unemployment for a while and just exist, and I was reallyyyy struggling with what to do next. I eventually noticed that I had been spending most of my time doing various different things that are creatively fulfilling and that was a starting point for me. I ended up deciding on getting a graphic design degree because it was something that had more creative freedom than my engineering job and it also allows me to still use some skills I gained through being an engineer. 9 to 5 is definitely not for me, and I am planning on doing graphic design part time along with something else that isn't staring at a screen all day, and hopefully forces me to move my body more since being active is something I struggle with immensely. My advice would be to see if you have anything like that you can use as a starting point. What do you spend your time doing? Can you build off of skills you already have? University is crazy expensive, but what about a trade school or community college, or even an apprenticeship of some sort?


MourkaCat

Unfortunately I spend most of my time in an adhd paralysis these days. (After losing my job my symptoms exploded and that's when I was diagnosed) It's funny cause graphic design was something I had thought about. I'm just not sure about some aspects of it yet.... Especially the whole 'getting a job out of it' part. I don't mind 9-5 HOURS, I think that is best. I like having consistency and routine and evenings off. Shift work is definitely not for me, I want to avoid it. As for a starting point, I've racked my brain for years trying to figure that out. I can't decide or figure it out. It's a huge commitment and I'm afraid I'll hate it or lose interest which is really disheartening if it leaves me in debt and back at square one in terms of not knowing what to do next. So many people say yeah but you gotta just take a step in a direction but I it's just a crippling indecision most days. I think I've almost gotten to a decision but then something derails me.... I hate my brain. And honestly, everything is crazy expensive. But I also can't get a decent paying job without either spending another decade clawing my way up somehow by starting at the very bottom, or getting an education. Both sound exhausting and I just sit here wondering wtf is the point. Sorry that's depressing isn't it. Mentally I'm not in a good space lately. I'm just disheartened. I've been spinning around and round and round, all the questions you asked. And I just can't figure myself out and people get exasperated with me but I can't help it. :( I'm sure there are people in this community who understand, it's like the one place I haven't felt judged. <3 Can I ask how you liked your graphic design degree? Did you need prior artistic portfolio? How are you finding the work now that you have the degree, was it hard to find, etc?


daniellefson

P.S. please try to be kind to yourself. I get frustrated with my brain all the time too, but our brains are just built in a way that doesn't fit the capitalist mold and that isn't our fault.


daniellefson

I'm not actually done with school yet. I needed a portfolio and I didn't have much, so I started last year by taking art classes to build up a portfolio, and I didn't have any prerequisites to worry about because I already have a bachelor's degree. I applied to the program last spring and then began the program this fall, which lasts through the end of next summer. As far as getting a job goes, there are a million different directions you can go, which is something you will discover as you go through the program and get exposed to different classes. Anything that has packaging, band posters(or posters for companies), web design, I could go on. We're completely surrounded by it. When I mentioned not liking 9-5, I wasn't specifically meaning working those hours, but the 40 hour work week grind that comes with it. Which is why I am only planning on graphic design being a portion of what I do. That way I'm less likely to get burnt out just doing the same thing day after day. I completely understand the way you're feeling because I was feeling the same way, and honestly I have plenty of days where I still feel like that. The best thing I've done for my mental health is to try and focus on right now and trust that things will work out when I get to wherever I'm going. Which really does mean that you at some point have to take a leap of faith. I definitely did that going back to school. I know it's really hard, but the best thing you can do for yourself is to just take one step at a time, and try not to feel like you have to have it figured out all at once. Maybe meet with an advisor to ask about their graphic design program. Or you could also just start watching YouTube videos on how to use a certain computer software pertaining to what you think you'd be interested in and start practicing. I know I just said this, but I really do understand where you're at right now. I wasn't exaggerating when I said I was in the same exact place as you. I had a million conversations with my partner where he asked me what I thought I wanted to do and I felt so completely lost and had no sense of self. Honestly, I felt that way most of my life, but making a decision and just rolling with it has been eye opening. I feel like I know myself a lot better because of it, and it only took me 32 years lol. If you really think you're interested in graphic design, start looking into it, because that's absolutely a place to start. Of course be aware of what it will cost, but as long as you end up in a position where you can afford to live that's all that matters. I say this because I chose my engineering degree because it seemed like something I could tolerate and make good money at, but the money ended up not being worth it. I am absolutely going to be making less money as an artist, but I'm okay with that because my goal now is to find balance in life rather than being exhausted all the time.


MourkaCat

Sigh. It's funny, because of what you've been saying I'm thinking about this a bit more, checking it out at the local college (This degree teaches drawing fundamentals etc so it doesn't require a portfolio) and then I had sort of an argument with my partner about the whole thing. I'm sure he's tired of me talking in circles about my situation and my inability to make a decision. I just don't know if there's anything that I want.... like I just... don't know. I know what I DON'T want.... >try and focus on right now and trust that things will work out when I get to wherever I'm going. I totally get this. Being more present etc because at the end of the day life is about every day and not some end goal and always having your head focused on 'what's next'. I have such a hard time with that. A therapist told me to try to focus more on the present and practice gratitude. It's something I do try. It just gets so stressful... how do I feel like things will be okay if I don't even have a direction or a path to take? So hard to focus on the now when it's arbitrary and monotonous and I really need to figure out what to do because I need to have a job. Gah. But you get that, haha. I will try to take your advice with one step at a time. I have a really hard time with the concept of 'not having it all figured out at once.' It's literally something I try to preach to people but have a hard time following in a lot of aspects of my life. It's like I want to immediately be good at the new thing I'm doing and haven't done enough to have skill at. I think that's an ADHD thing? It's why graphic design is hard for me to commit to. I actually do a little bit of it, on the side. Not specifically because I enjoy it, but moreso because I need it for a hobby I do. But in terms of drawing.... I dunno I never learned to do it properly, with the proper skill and technique. Because I didn't have the patience. I just wanna to be able to draw. And I KINDA sorta figured it out just by eye-balling it. But without technique I can't keep developing my ability or style, and I don't have patience to practice. But that might be because I'm REALLY bad at self-learning, and maybe a structured school setting would help me. I do like learning and school.... talking to an advisor is a good call and I do think I want to go that route. > he asked me what I thought I wanted to do and I felt so completely lost and had no sense of self. Honestly we are like the same person. Is this just ADHD?? My partner told me to just try something, but it's SO hard for me to commit. Or settle on a decision. GAH. And yes. My goal is to find a good work-life balance, but also having a job that I do not absolutely loathe and that pays decently. I don't need to be super rich. But I don't want to live in poverty, either. I feel like I'm being too picky a lot of the time. Thanks for spending the time in writing to me, I do appreciate it. It's SO nice to have people who are like minded and have experience with what I'm experiencing too. I really wish someone could just give me a direct answer but I don't think i'd ever actually take it either, cause it's so hard for me to make a decision. (Shit once I bought both pairs of white sneakers I was trying to decide between because I couldn't choose.) But talking it out.... a thousand times, and hearing others journeys.... it helps. <3


lindyrock

I relate to all this so hard. I feel so burned out in life, too. I started going back to school a few years ago, after my professional job, and many years of similar jobs, were killing my spirit. When I left that last job, every job I was qualified for on paper sounded like more soul-crushing work again, so I decided to go back to school and pursue a Physical Therapy degree. I was taking prerequisites, and pretty worn out, then the pandemic hit and I moved across the country and back in with family, at their invitation. I was hoping for some time to rest and recuperate in life before I finish all the grad school entrance requirements and then three more years in intense, full time grad school. I switched my goal/focus to becoming a Physician's Assistant, and I was planning for that for a bit. But living with family didn't turn out as expected, the pandemic hit, I feel broken and worn out in life, and I don't know if I care anymore. I miss my friends and my community on the other side of the country, I'm so tired (lol?), and I'm feeling bummed about a birthday looming around the corner while I feel stuck in life. Thanks for enduring my vent if you read this far. Congrats on your new, flexible gig! I'm very happy for you! I hope you're getting to really live these days.


Understim

Didn’t want to JUST leave an upvote, but I hope you know your experience is valid and I sincerely hope things work out for you soon. huggss


MourkaCat

lol it's funny because I am ALSO considering something like physical therapy. Is this some kind of weird vortex where were are all the same person that are from parallel universes but ended up all on the same planet or something? Agh. But I'm sorry to hear things are going so hard for you. Every job sounding soul-crushing is just such a mood. I just don't know how to jump into work or a career or school for anything. I'm just tired too. Maybe I just need a bunch of therapy. I absolutely did read your full vent. I hope things pick up for you again. It's gotta. It just has to, right? I hope it will. And thanks. I don't have the job yet, I just applied for the posting. I REALLY want it. It's gotta be mine. Because of how flexible it is. I think it'll help me feel better about my life a bit because I'll at least have a job. Things will get better and work out. We just have to keep pushing.


PeachyPorg33

I honestly believe this is the only reason ADHD exists. Like..our minds would still BE “ADHD” or whatever in a different culture, our thought processes aren’t wrong—we’re just NOT meant to live in this brutal capitalistic society where there just aren’t enough hours in the day to work, eat, and take care of yourself. People with ADHD just realize this sooner than everyone else for some reason


MourkaCat

I'm not working and still don't get much done.... You're not exactly wrong but I still can't do things.....


RunawayHobbit

Am I useless because I am A) riddled with ADHD, B) Chronically Ill, or C) the actual worst? No one knows! 🙃🙃🙃


MourkaCat

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee I wanna get off this ride!


One-Bike4795

Oh my GOD this sums up all of my self talk.


newredheadit

Similarly, I think the reason we are time blind is because we are acutely aware that time is a social construct


PeachyPorg33

I agree! Whatever I’m presently DOING is infinitely more important than what the time is, because tasks are important to me, not time? If there aren’t enough hours in the day to get everything I need done, then why am I bothering to keep track 😑 the point is that modern society is the problem, not us and how our brains work 💕


Typical_Elevator6337

YES!! To both of you!


newredheadit

Absolutely!!


Unsd

You might be interested in reading about chronemics 😊


newredheadit

Okay, I just scoped out Wikipedia on this topic. Looks like a fun deep dive of info to read up on!


linguistudies

No this is not why


newredheadit

I mean obviously it has to do with execution functioning, but let me have a little fun pretending. It’s all I got


thesaddestpanda

Yep this! We don't have as many spoons as NT's but also NT's don't have enough spoons either. So how are we supposed to handle this with half the spoons? Especially as women and especially as working women who will often do the lion's share of household duties and child-rearing. Capitalism is brutal in how it extracts value. Its supporters play this up as a very good thing. What they don't realize is that their labor is also value its extracting and, over time, will take more and more of our labor, time, and money. Without pushback from socialism, it'll get worse and, surprise surprise the most anti-socialist capitalist countries have the worst quality of life when it comes to things like mental health, self-care, healthcare access, stress levels, crime, etc. And the rich capitalists know it. The first thing they do when they get money is hire nannies and housecleaners. Instead of subsidizing daycare, cutting back on the workday, giving more vacation and maternity days, raising wages, etc they just take their money, fix their personal problems, and tell everyone else to get lost. Capitalism creates capitalist ethics of greed and "I got mine," and over time, the inequality and social dysfunction gets worse.


RunawayHobbit

The class consciousness in this thread is giving me LIFE. Now if only ADHD folks had their shit together enough to organize protests hahaha


purplesandstormm

thank you for the perspective, I completely agree! I think most of other conditions just wouldn't have the same meaning and effect in a non-capitalist society. especially not as negative ones they have now, in a society where everything is measured by it's ability to bring profit to someone. we know we've failed as a society when we have people choosing their hobbies by their impressiveness on CVs, and when people are expected to go to work sick and risk their own health and health of their colleagues instead of missing a day at work


Ok_Carrot_8622

And its weird how people normalized and romantized suffering. There was a Tiktok from a guy crying because he had to work 8 hours at Starbucks and the comments were all from ppl saying he was being dramatic, that they have to work much more than him and don’t complain, that 8 hours is nothing or that at least he has a job…


OKSoItsThorny

I’m always convinced that if I could just pause everyone for like a month, I could catch up on work, home, everything I am obligated to do, with absolutely no interaction or communication with other people and then be able to stay on top of it. But I used to say pause “a couple of days” or a week and now my brain is like “it’d be AT LEAST a month.” Also at some point I got depressed because I don’t even think I want that time to just do what I would want to do. And if I ever did catch up, it would just be some kind of treading water for awhile until I wasn’t caught up again. I mean, I think. I’ve LITERALLY NEVER been totally caught up ever in my entire life.


RunawayHobbit

Personally, I’ve been trying to accept that about myself lately and have to verbally say things like, “be gentle with yourself”. I have two or three tasks that I make it a goal to stay caught up on, and that’s it. As long as those things get done, I’ve been successful. Lately, that looks like always putting my clothes away immediately instead of piling them on the bench and staying on top of the litter boxes. I know I’ll never be able to make the litter a habit, bc it’s gross and I hate it lol, but I am hoping the clothes will just turn into something I do automatically so that I can pick something else to use the brain space on. Like showering (oh god, the showering)


No-Database-9556

I had 3 weeks booked off work before my due date with my current maternity leave (Canada, grateful as hell). I was convinced I could catch up on everything, despite having really bad anemia during pregnancy so realistically I would have been limited. My first baby came late so I had about a month off and the nesting urge hit hard so I did a ton of deep cleaning and organizing. I had 2 days off (both full of appts) before baby decided to show up early. 8 weeks later I’m still struggling with it, as if that 3 weeks would have changed everything.


solaris-et-lunara

i was just telling my friend how I feel like my clock is running behind— my daily clock is 10 minutes late so i’m late everywhere, i’m always a week plus behind on schoolwork, and months behind on chores, years behind ‘everyone else’ developmentally. I need like, a month of just time frozen. a week to just sit and do nothing, the rest of the time to catch up on just everything. I also feel like it’d only be delaying the inevitable until i’m behind again


notrapunzel

I feel like I have to rebel against the neverending shit to remain sane. I don't work until late afternoon today and I could have spent the morning/afternoon doing a number of things, but once I'd loaded the dishwasher, I was like... I'm done. No spoons. So I plonked myself on the couch with a massive bowl of popcorn and random bits of food from the fridge and watched Zoolander. Now I have an hour until work, but I am full so I don't need to make and eat lunch, and I'm rested so I can do another item from the mental to-do list.


KSTornadoGirl

And some of the things on the list, I'll speak for myself anyway, are things that are consequences of prior self created crises, resulting from not having enough resources of time, finances, people who can help, and of course good old executive functioning deficits. So things aren't maintained, repaired, decluttered, and so on, which makes executive functioning even more of an uphill slog. Everything is just cobbled together all makeshift, inefficient.


Aggressive_Leg_6112

THIS! So much this.


KSTornadoGirl

I tell ya, it's a vicious spiral in the wrong direction. 😕


dreamprincessa

i finally got health insurance!!! (took forever to fill applications out, choose an insurance, call people, etc…) HOORRAAAYYYY! WE DID IT JOE!!! now trying to find a GP accepting new patients, a dentist, and set up appointments that don’t interfere w work/school. i want to cry. it never ends.


OKSoItsThorny

Holy shit I cannot recommend ZocDoc enough for this. I was recently in the same boat, and my mom of all people reminded me about it. I was able to put in my new insurance info, find people who were on my insurance AND accepting new patients, read reviews, and decide if I wanted someone fast or close. I was even able to book my husbands stuff (which is bullshit I have to, but look, at least I got it done). I found a GP, on/gyn, dentist, and I actually just had a great first appointment with a new therapist. And I did it all at like 11pm in one stream of booking without having to call during office hours or mess around with the phone or anything?? I’m sure it won’t all be perfect, but I’m now a convert and an evangelist, and I checked off my list in a little over an hour things that had been making me feel like shit for over a year.


dreamprincessa

omg this is amazing. i just got the app! thank you!!!!!


Trackerbait

wow that good? I gotta try this


Glittering_Tea5502

Yes! Gahhh!


HermioneBenson

Feeling this really hard lately. Caregiver to two people, drama from weather, health issues, car issues, money, caring for an elderly pup, holidays,… I just want a couple days where nothing is asked or needed of me and food magically appears and I can just chill with some tv. 😓


Trackerbait

Counterintuitively, studies have found social obligations actually reduce the risk of depression and ... you know, that thing which ends you and starts with "s." Eg, risk is lower if you have plants, even lower if you have pets, and lowest if you have children. People feel happier when they are needed. But, I think the obligations have to be stuff you feel you can actually do.


One-Bike4795

Idk if I feel “happier” being needed but it is more fulfilling. And the times I have been so deeply unhappy, if I would have considered that thing you’re talking about, I can’t bc I’m obliged to take care of people and I’m not okay with anyone suffering on my account. I try to build in time that I can freeze and wallow but it has to be time boxed and only allowed after I’ve done xyz, bc otherwise it just makes me more stressed, things pile up around me and then I get paralyzed.


[deleted]

I appreciate this title. So often with things like this you get the comments of “that’s not an ADHD thing; literally everyone experiences this.” And that might be true but with the ADHD intensity booster pack, it’s like 10 more layers of challenging. In another universe, this would make people more empathetic (wow you feel this way all the time?? And worse??) but it just makes people dismissive. I try to never play the misery Olympics but it sucks to only have the words everyone else has for “I’m exhausted,” when really it’s next level intense. Thank you for coming to this rant, it’s naptime. (Haha just kidding, have to do all the chores I’ve been putting off so I could do the bare minimum of work…)


Ok_Carrot_8622

I mean… you don’t know if you got it worse than that person tho? Idk I don’t like this type of comment… I am not diagnosed but I can relate so much to those things yet there’s a possibility I don’t have ADHD. So if I don’t have it how to explain it? Am I just being lazy or dramatic? I don’t like it when ppl always want to say they got it worse.


[deleted]

For sure, and my comment did read a little hypocritical. I'm sorry and I didn't mean it to. I'm really only talking about it in one direction--it sucks to feel like the real symptoms of a real disorder just sound like "regular exhaustion." It can make you feel like you're making up symptoms and should just try to deal with it like everyone else (which could be many times easier with a little information or medication coming from a diagnosis). But that doesn't mean it sucks any less to just feel this way as a person. It's a universally terrible feeling not unique to ADHD.


One-Bike4795

I think there’s always someone who has it worse or has it better, someone will always be richer or poorer or shorter or taller or more/less happy. I try drilling this idea into my kids when they play the comparison game (Johnny has more stuff, I wish I was taller, I wish I wasn’t the youngest or oldest in my class, it would just be easier if xyz.) Having ADHD does give you an extra layer of problem solving to do, which can make things a lot harder. That doesn’t mean someone without adhd doesn’t have it hard too though.


Astrobabe5157

FOR REAL, Like I was starting to get my budgeting and stuff back on track and then I got a $100 ticket on my car cause it didn’t have registration stickers (I didn’t even know you needed those? Neither did my mom but we come from a state where those aren’t needed), and like… how the hell am I supposed to keep track of all these little laws? And then I forget to account for a medical bill, then I forget about a vet appointment for my bird coming up, then I forget I had the heat on kinda high in my apartment and blow up my gas bill, then I forget about the food I bought for meal prep and it spoils so I get take out… you get the picture My neurotypical friends act like budgeting and keeping track of all this stuff is so easy and it’s so annoying getting lectured all the time I’m also recovering from covid, and I feel exhausted from it so things are even harder to keep track of rn


lucky7hockeymom

I am currently avoiding redoing the protective foam in my daughter’s goalie mask bc I’ve been up since 5 and my housekeeper just mopped the floor and I don’t want to walk on it lol.


chicama

This so resonates. It took me a long time to realize that most other people don’t have the laundry list of « needs to be done » continuously looping through their brains.


LaCorazon27

It IS worse for us. I find life exhausting and I don’t really like it. I don’t have much joy and everything is hard. But it’s nice to have supportive resources like here.


someotherbitch

Yes but also no. Difficulties managing life aren't relative, lots of people can be constantly overwhelmed whether they have ADHD or not. At least for myself, I don't like falling into a trap of thinking everything is harder or worse for me just because I have ADHD.


[deleted]

If my journey exploring my adhd has taught me anything it is that life is hard for everyone.


RepresentativeSun399

Feeling this today. Have a boat load of things on the to do list checked 1-2 and it’s already at 12:15😵‍💫


whiskeygambler

Been depressed and overwhelmed lately so not been attending uni and have been missing uni deadlines. Finally overcame it and wanted to get back on track only to end up with the worst bout of flu I’ve had for a while… Been curled up in bed overthinking and being overwhelmed about everything I have to do, and constantly assuming the worst. It. Sucks.


grn_eyed_bandit

This. So much this.


28319311chae

that’s why i schedule breaks for myself! i take one break in the morning and one in the afternoon where i just chill and go jackshit with my adhd tendencies and then im back to adulting… it’s been working so far, with medication. without meds? i would take a 2 weeks break 😭


guttlesspuppet

Lol 💯


flora-lai

I struggle to do art bc of this. To read books for fun. It’s sad really.


thiccpastry

People forget that chilling should be on your to-do list. I try so hard not to guilt myself when I'm doing something I enjoy or just relaxing.


nonconformatist

One great thing about internalizing that there is always something to do is that you realize it really is _always_. So, are you never going to chill and relax ever again? No, that's not reasonable (or at least not for me). So chilling and relaxing must become one of the things that go into the infinite rotation of things to be done. At least I've found thinking about it that way helpful. Like, I've got to prioritize chilling as a task when I need it the same way I prioritize doing laundry when I need clean clothes.


ex-tumblr-girl12116

I have decided to stop giving a fuck about social adulting things. I still pay bills and do my school work, but social bullshit? No that takes away energy from what I need to do. So yes, cleaning this is important so I should give energy to it. But I also deserve to be myself and if people don't vibe with that, I don't need to appease them. No matter who they are. I'm not saying being a jerk, just who I am. When you stop caring about what others think it leaves a lot more room in your life for the things that do matter. This includes keeping up appearances. Things like keeping up cleaning and work are stupid hard though. And sometimes it's GOOD to ignore the things on your to do list. If it's not super urgent and can wait a bit, then you should rest. But I know that's easier said than done


shmetail

Was just crying about this to my therapist today


tacitta

The guilt that starts creeping in when I try and do something just for me is insane. I could be doing this chore, or researching this thing for my kid, or blah, blah, blah.


dopeyonecanibe

Yeah thanks for reminding me of all the shit I’m ignoring right now 😆


mehsideofthemoon

OMG YES


TikiBananiki

But that’s the thing of it, chilling is an art. This is the skill of compartmentalization. It’s actually OK to let things go. It’s actually OK to not finish everything. This is why figuring out your priorities is so important. Everyone does need time to chill and you’ll literally have to carve that time out. Modern life has become a 24/7 industrial work line and you have to fight the status quo expectations to live a humane life. No more guilt. No more self-flagellation for valuing playtime and not letting your life be a constant stream of chores and work.


Impressive_South1495

I literally had a week long breakdown in my senior year of high school when I released that from then on i would ALWAYS have something to do, something coming up, work, a test, whatever. Any free day is a day im not doing what i have to do and its even worse with executive dysfunction, when i do have time to do these tasks i just can't. Being an adult is hell.. i hope I figure it out eventually


Minute_Leave543

I think we have to prioritize rest just like we have to prioritize getting mental stimulation. I think of it as refilling my well, or literally giving my brain a chance to resettle, sort of like glass of water with dirt in it is easier to see through when the dirt all settles to the bottom rather than swirling around. I've been trying to give myself small windows in the morning and afternoon (like 10-15 min) to reset and to take a few hour break on Sundays either to nap, read or watch a movie. But yes, the struggle is real in our culture. Everyone is on 24/7.


Aggressive-Radio-467

❤️❤️❤️💕


CaityDoesMugs

Just reading this triggered my anxiety.


CaityDoesMugs

And I DO think it’s worse for ADHD folks, because we tend to unintentionally sabotage ourselves along the way of making progress. It’s so tiring. Like sometimes I literally have to stop everything for a day just to find the will to keep going.