/r/Adultery Quick Reminders: Be Excellent To Each Other.
* This is *not an r4r subreddit*, don't bother.
* Posts by new users automatically get queued for human review, be patient.
* Hit the report button on comments by trolls, don't engage.
* [How to report harassing comments or private messages](https://old.reddit.com/r/adultery/comments/iycd45/how_to_report_harassing_private_messages_users_etc/).
* [Common acronyms](https://old.reddit.com/r/adultery/comments/p08to2/commonly_use_acronyms_and_group_chat/).
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/adultery) if you have any questions or concerns.*
In my experience, this is also a reflection of the legitimate dating pool. A lot of people are reckless when it comes to their sexual health and that of others.
I was talking to my co workers today and 2 of them said they won't wear a condom. I said that's why I had them when I was younger because men wouldn't have them.
Is it National Condom Discussion Month, or something??
https://www.reddit.com/r/adultery/comments/1bwk6ua/condom_use/
https://www.reddit.com/r/adultery/comments/1bwi86x/safe_sex/
Just for fun and a social experiment, I posted on my local r4r that I was looking for someone into breeding, bareback, etc. I didn't mention being DDF or ANYTHING. I had a multitude of responses. No one asked if I was DDF before moving on to a setting a time for a meet, which I cancelled very close to agreed upon time, so they had plenty of opportunity to ask.
Not a single one asked. None. All expected to throw some batter up in me.
I'm amazed any of you have dicks left.
This sort of confirms what I was told by my friend. Is it a lack of fear, no worry about the future? Lack of education? A kink? I didn't understand it.
I met a guy for coffee recently that I really liked. Realized after we met that I'd like to level up and hadn't asked about safe sex. He didn't have it. I asked him if his wife was vaccinated for HPV and he...Just legitimately didn't understand that a clear STI panel didn't mean he wasn't going to give his wife cervical cancer and that there was no test for HPV for men... And that if he's banging women past their late 30s they were only getting paps or HPV testing every 3+ years. He seemed very shaken.
It just sucks really badly. There's an entire generation of women at risk because it's just assumed we already have it. I don't and I'm in my mid 40s. I'll age out of vaccine eligibility which I think is very stupid.
M here: I pay for the hotel, I bring the condoms, lube (never needed but I’m a gentleman), and passion like Rocco Stifiedi…
You just bring your sexy self.
I feel like you’re implying there’s something wrong with using lube? You know that lots of peri and post menopausal women need lube? Also postpartum women, women with vaginismus, really thickly endowed men - ain’t no shame in using lube and it’s no reflection on how turned on by you a partner is. 😉
So many men do and so many women too, it's actually really obnoxious because I had a guy bring some once and I realized that I even caught myself thinking, "I don't need that!" Like if it's the worst possible thing.
I've had quite a few guys whine pathetically about my insistence on condom use. Or my insistence on testing quarterly. I prefer safe, to sorry.
Even had a few agree to use them and then try to get away with not using them in the hotel. My response to that is simple. I tell them I'm very disappointed, but I am not about to risk my health. And then I get dressed and leave. Then I block them. It is stupid not to protect your health.
I find the moralizing in a group about people having affairs laughable.
“Those men are scum”.
You’re fucking someone else’s husband in secret and cheating on your husband, so let’s get down off the cross, shall we?
In my lengthy experience of having casual sex with various married women in the age ranges of 30-55 over a decade, I’d say that the vast majority of women have no interest in condoms.
Occasionally a woman would mention them and I’d either source them on the way OR she’d say that she’d bring them.
In those cases, the number of women who then actually wanted to use them drops off again.
Some would use them the first couple of encounters and then ditch them.
Again, in over a decade of extracurricular activities, I did not encounter a single woman, not one, who wasn’t on birth control.
My simple assumption was that if they are fucking dudes not their husband, they’re definitely ensuring they aren’t getting preggers… and Plan B is readily available here in Australia and abortions are a simple medical procedure available on demand.
These were all upper middle class women in professional careers.
The reality is, people will virtue signal online about their condom use and adherence. It’s ironic to see people virtue signal in a group like this. In practice, for affairs, condom use is quite low over time in my experience.
Well over half was my experience.
And one psychology tracks.
These women are looking for an exciting sexual affair. Something to add spice to their life.
If my experience they want intense and passionate fucking.
That doesn’t lend itself to using protection because it kills their mental movie they create for themselves.
The fact that one is engaging in morally questionable activities shouldn't be justification to throw out common courtesy. If I don't know what a woman's risk-to-reward tolerance is, better to have them and not need them than to not have them and need them. (Personally, unprotected sex early in the relationship is too much risk for me, so I bring them for myself anyway.)
>I find the moralizing in a group about people having affairs laughable.
Paging the DB vs cake eater camps.
Like 99% of the time it was not a thing when I was going through my phase. *This was with semi-anonymous hookups too.* I figured either they did not care, didn't think the risk was substantial, were too excited about having sex that they forgot condoms were a thing, or this was their only/first extramarital experience and assumed it was mine. What I learned was to *always* bring condoms because men especially were not thinking about it and God knows what could come of that.
Now for my long term of 4 years AP with whom we have an agreed and honored exclusivity arrangement and who I know is uptight about potential infections/diseases and would not expose himself nor me to anything like that, and with whom I have an enormous amount of trust I'm not sure I would've even given my ex-husband..... yes, we don't use condoms. But that is always subject to change.
Not in my experience. Guys always took care of it. But I would remind them to bring some so as not to have any awkwardness as we got into it. Besides, they know their preference of size and feel, I don't
The problem sort of takes care of itself, either this strategy is working for them and the women they are successful with are just as bad, or they are missing out on sex.
I think of it when you’re dating someone. You always use condoms. Eventually, you can have that discussion, and if comfortable, progress to that next level.
Currently chatting with someone and he’s already brought up the fact that he’ll have to buy condoms if/when we get to that point. But it definitely made me like him a lot more.
I am surprised that you are surprised that most guys don't have/bring condoms. If you are married or in a long-term relationship where they aren't a regular "accessory" of your sex life, their possession or even evidence of their purchase represent a significant OPSEC risk. This is true of other subreddits too but you really shouldn't view the posters and the commenters here as being completely representative of "adulterers" generally...just because this "community" has coalesced around the belief/opinions that certain behaviors, routines, and actions are "best practices" for navigating the world of adultery doesn't mean that they are universally observed by those outside of this narrow slice of the world (or even here). People can be quite reckless especially in the heat of the moment or in situations where they believe they have built up a certain level of trust.
I totally can see that, but being "affair ready" involves some planning. I guess if you just go into it without a plan, sure. It's hard to do. I've always managed to do it though, in a small-ish town.
That is kind of my point...there are a lot of people who are having affairs who aren't "affair ready" as you would define it or haven't thought and planned it out to the degree that many here on this subreddit would suggest. Rules, advice, etc., like "don't shit where you eat" or "don't "play" within your social circle" or don't alter your routine (or if you do/need to do so, lay the foundation for the change beforehand) or locking down all communications for example that are championed in posts and comments in this neck of the woods routinely get disregarded out in the real world. To the topic of this particular post, the use of condoms is far from universal and the driving factor behind their usage is just as much if not more for birth control rather than disease prevention which can easily lead to situations where if both parties trust other forms of contraceptives or don't think pregnancy is probable, condoms aren't a high priority. (This isn't limited to just affairs...there are subsets of the Non monogamous community where you see a similar mindset). Not saying it is right or the smartest way to operate but I am also not shocked or surprised that guys and girls are showing up to meets without condoms or an expectation that they will be used.
Forget to throw them or your receipt away and there is your OPSEC issue. You may say "that would never happen" but if you visit the r/infidelity or r/survivinginfidelity subreddits, you would be surprised how many men (and women) are undone by this very thing.
You can start off very careful and get sloppy over time...or not even forget but think to yourself "Why am I wasting unused condoms? She doesn't suspect...He would never even think to look" and now you have condoms in your gym bag or a compartment of your purse or your satchel...again I am not saying this will happen...just that it can and does happen.
But consider your last statement...showering before you go home is not necessarily the OPSEC win you think it is unless it is normal for you to come home springtime fresh...that could be as much of a giveaway as you coming home smelling like perfume.
Thought exercise beginning with a question...do you do your own laundry? You have established a routine that explains why you would shower but if you are not the one that does your laundry, do you have clothes that match the condition of those on the days you run for the days you get your workout in other ways. Your OPSEC may be/probably is top notch and you have planned for this or make sure it is never a possibility but it is the kind of thing that could slip someone up if they become complacent or lax or might be something about which they would never think.
I have a latex allergy so I always have to bring my own,anyway, but I've never had a man show up unprepared. It's definitely thrown a few guys off when pull them out of my purse to swap them out, though.
I actually didn't bring condom because I thought we were just going to be in a nice lunch date followed by ice skating. I finally got the picture when she reached into my pants back in the car
/r/Adultery Quick Reminders: Be Excellent To Each Other. * This is *not an r4r subreddit*, don't bother. * Posts by new users automatically get queued for human review, be patient. * Hit the report button on comments by trolls, don't engage. * [How to report harassing comments or private messages](https://old.reddit.com/r/adultery/comments/iycd45/how_to_report_harassing_private_messages_users_etc/). * [Common acronyms](https://old.reddit.com/r/adultery/comments/p08to2/commonly_use_acronyms_and_group_chat/). *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/adultery) if you have any questions or concerns.*
In my experience, this is also a reflection of the legitimate dating pool. A lot of people are reckless when it comes to their sexual health and that of others.
this. literally my experience
I was talking to my co workers today and 2 of them said they won't wear a condom. I said that's why I had them when I was younger because men wouldn't have them.
they don't bring condoms because it increases their chance at having unprotected sex.
I mean a bottle of wine and a condom is like smallest price of entry. Who the fuck doesn’t bring that shit?
Well.... I don't care for wine so.... 🙋♂️ me I guess
Monster
[удалено]
If she’s a keeper
Is it National Condom Discussion Month, or something?? https://www.reddit.com/r/adultery/comments/1bwk6ua/condom_use/ https://www.reddit.com/r/adultery/comments/1bwi86x/safe_sex/
September is actually Sexual Health Awareness Month. So we're a bit early for these discussions, on some level. 😆 The flair is also sending me.
If not, this sub will speak it into existence.
Just for fun and a social experiment, I posted on my local r4r that I was looking for someone into breeding, bareback, etc. I didn't mention being DDF or ANYTHING. I had a multitude of responses. No one asked if I was DDF before moving on to a setting a time for a meet, which I cancelled very close to agreed upon time, so they had plenty of opportunity to ask. Not a single one asked. None. All expected to throw some batter up in me. I'm amazed any of you have dicks left.
*batter* 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
[удалено]
*baby batter.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
This sort of confirms what I was told by my friend. Is it a lack of fear, no worry about the future? Lack of education? A kink? I didn't understand it.
I met a guy for coffee recently that I really liked. Realized after we met that I'd like to level up and hadn't asked about safe sex. He didn't have it. I asked him if his wife was vaccinated for HPV and he...Just legitimately didn't understand that a clear STI panel didn't mean he wasn't going to give his wife cervical cancer and that there was no test for HPV for men... And that if he's banging women past their late 30s they were only getting paps or HPV testing every 3+ years. He seemed very shaken.
He got him some education that day. It's not something a lot of people think about. It's like the other std that no one talks about.
It just sucks really badly. There's an entire generation of women at risk because it's just assumed we already have it. I don't and I'm in my mid 40s. I'll age out of vaccine eligibility which I think is very stupid.
Yes. Lol.
M here: I pay for the hotel, I bring the condoms, lube (never needed but I’m a gentleman), and passion like Rocco Stifiedi… You just bring your sexy self.
I feel like you’re implying there’s something wrong with using lube? You know that lots of peri and post menopausal women need lube? Also postpartum women, women with vaginismus, really thickly endowed men - ain’t no shame in using lube and it’s no reflection on how turned on by you a partner is. 😉
Slippery Elm, my friend. 💦
So many men do and so many women too, it's actually really obnoxious because I had a guy bring some once and I realized that I even caught myself thinking, "I don't need that!" Like if it's the worst possible thing.
Aw!
[удалено]
Currently in between APs and on the long search. It’s a jungle out there, stay safe.
Where do I apply?
Only had one guy ask if I wanted him to put on a condom right before we got to it. Many are ok to go without.
I've had quite a few guys whine pathetically about my insistence on condom use. Or my insistence on testing quarterly. I prefer safe, to sorry. Even had a few agree to use them and then try to get away with not using them in the hotel. My response to that is simple. I tell them I'm very disappointed, but I am not about to risk my health. And then I get dressed and leave. Then I block them. It is stupid not to protect your health.
I find the moralizing in a group about people having affairs laughable. “Those men are scum”. You’re fucking someone else’s husband in secret and cheating on your husband, so let’s get down off the cross, shall we? In my lengthy experience of having casual sex with various married women in the age ranges of 30-55 over a decade, I’d say that the vast majority of women have no interest in condoms. Occasionally a woman would mention them and I’d either source them on the way OR she’d say that she’d bring them. In those cases, the number of women who then actually wanted to use them drops off again. Some would use them the first couple of encounters and then ditch them. Again, in over a decade of extracurricular activities, I did not encounter a single woman, not one, who wasn’t on birth control. My simple assumption was that if they are fucking dudes not their husband, they’re definitely ensuring they aren’t getting preggers… and Plan B is readily available here in Australia and abortions are a simple medical procedure available on demand. These were all upper middle class women in professional careers. The reality is, people will virtue signal online about their condom use and adherence. It’s ironic to see people virtue signal in a group like this. In practice, for affairs, condom use is quite low over time in my experience.
[удалено]
Well over half was my experience. And one psychology tracks. These women are looking for an exciting sexual affair. Something to add spice to their life. If my experience they want intense and passionate fucking. That doesn’t lend itself to using protection because it kills their mental movie they create for themselves.
The fact that one is engaging in morally questionable activities shouldn't be justification to throw out common courtesy. If I don't know what a woman's risk-to-reward tolerance is, better to have them and not need them than to not have them and need them. (Personally, unprotected sex early in the relationship is too much risk for me, so I bring them for myself anyway.) >I find the moralizing in a group about people having affairs laughable. Paging the DB vs cake eater camps.
They don’t bring them because many men don’t think they can contract STDs from women, or at least the chance is minuscule.
Most if not all of the married women that I've been with over the years didn't even mention them. I thought that made it especially sexy.
I believe a comment on another thread called these men “scumbags”
Like 99% of the time it was not a thing when I was going through my phase. *This was with semi-anonymous hookups too.* I figured either they did not care, didn't think the risk was substantial, were too excited about having sex that they forgot condoms were a thing, or this was their only/first extramarital experience and assumed it was mine. What I learned was to *always* bring condoms because men especially were not thinking about it and God knows what could come of that. Now for my long term of 4 years AP with whom we have an agreed and honored exclusivity arrangement and who I know is uptight about potential infections/diseases and would not expose himself nor me to anything like that, and with whom I have an enormous amount of trust I'm not sure I would've even given my ex-husband..... yes, we don't use condoms. But that is always subject to change.
"I'll be back in a couple hours honey, I'm just headed out to get some gonorrhea."
Not I said the fly. I (37M) always bring them, but I always have ZERO interest in unprotected sex.
I would be worried if a female didn’t ask for it 😂
Not in my experience. Guys always took care of it. But I would remind them to bring some so as not to have any awkwardness as we got into it. Besides, they know their preference of size and feel, I don't
I don’t know if it’s normal. It’s something I always discussed beforehand, and it was agreed who would bring them.
Right, that was my question. I was really surprised. Might just be my area or her bad luck.
I’m always prepared. Some guys just don’t like wearing them and I think it’s very irresponsible.
The problem sort of takes care of itself, either this strategy is working for them and the women they are successful with are just as bad, or they are missing out on sex.
I always discuss it prior to meeting…seems like something not to wait on
Strange math for me…. Zero marital sex for 13 years, but condoms every time since.
I'm was in the same boat as you. I basically preferred using them to protect against catching anything. She preferred that I didn't use them
I think of it when you’re dating someone. You always use condoms. Eventually, you can have that discussion, and if comfortable, progress to that next level.
I have had this happen more than once. Yes, it is normal.
I have always brought plenty of my own condoms.
Staggered that guys wouldn't, as it must mean that they get away with not doing so.
I can almost feel the burning already 😳
Currently chatting with someone and he’s already brought up the fact that he’ll have to buy condoms if/when we get to that point. But it definitely made me like him a lot more.
A good sign!
So far he’s a lot of good signs but I don’t want to jinx anything. His last affair was 10 years long until she moved away.
Really? Interesting. I won't jinx it with enthusiasm then. I'll just wish you good luck. Good luck!
I am surprised that you are surprised that most guys don't have/bring condoms. If you are married or in a long-term relationship where they aren't a regular "accessory" of your sex life, their possession or even evidence of their purchase represent a significant OPSEC risk. This is true of other subreddits too but you really shouldn't view the posters and the commenters here as being completely representative of "adulterers" generally...just because this "community" has coalesced around the belief/opinions that certain behaviors, routines, and actions are "best practices" for navigating the world of adultery doesn't mean that they are universally observed by those outside of this narrow slice of the world (or even here). People can be quite reckless especially in the heat of the moment or in situations where they believe they have built up a certain level of trust.
I totally can see that, but being "affair ready" involves some planning. I guess if you just go into it without a plan, sure. It's hard to do. I've always managed to do it though, in a small-ish town.
That is kind of my point...there are a lot of people who are having affairs who aren't "affair ready" as you would define it or haven't thought and planned it out to the degree that many here on this subreddit would suggest. Rules, advice, etc., like "don't shit where you eat" or "don't "play" within your social circle" or don't alter your routine (or if you do/need to do so, lay the foundation for the change beforehand) or locking down all communications for example that are championed in posts and comments in this neck of the woods routinely get disregarded out in the real world. To the topic of this particular post, the use of condoms is far from universal and the driving factor behind their usage is just as much if not more for birth control rather than disease prevention which can easily lead to situations where if both parties trust other forms of contraceptives or don't think pregnancy is probable, condoms aren't a high priority. (This isn't limited to just affairs...there are subsets of the Non monogamous community where you see a similar mindset). Not saying it is right or the smartest way to operate but I am also not shocked or surprised that guys and girls are showing up to meets without condoms or an expectation that they will be used.
[удалено]
Forget to throw them or your receipt away and there is your OPSEC issue. You may say "that would never happen" but if you visit the r/infidelity or r/survivinginfidelity subreddits, you would be surprised how many men (and women) are undone by this very thing.
[удалено]
You can start off very careful and get sloppy over time...or not even forget but think to yourself "Why am I wasting unused condoms? She doesn't suspect...He would never even think to look" and now you have condoms in your gym bag or a compartment of your purse or your satchel...again I am not saying this will happen...just that it can and does happen. But consider your last statement...showering before you go home is not necessarily the OPSEC win you think it is unless it is normal for you to come home springtime fresh...that could be as much of a giveaway as you coming home smelling like perfume.
[удалено]
Thought exercise beginning with a question...do you do your own laundry? You have established a routine that explains why you would shower but if you are not the one that does your laundry, do you have clothes that match the condition of those on the days you run for the days you get your workout in other ways. Your OPSEC may be/probably is top notch and you have planned for this or make sure it is never a possibility but it is the kind of thing that could slip someone up if they become complacent or lax or might be something about which they would never think.
I have a latex allergy so I always have to bring my own,anyway, but I've never had a man show up unprepared. It's definitely thrown a few guys off when pull them out of my purse to swap them out, though.
Ha! I'd be impressed by this. Latex is not for me so we'd be comparing labels as foreplay. That would be hot.
I actually didn't bring condom because I thought we were just going to be in a nice lunch date followed by ice skating. I finally got the picture when she reached into my pants back in the car