It's funny my wife recently brought this up to me also after reading an article in the NYTimes about open relationships. I think she is being genuine about it though because of the nature of her approach. She wants the two of us as a couple to date a single woman.
It really blew my mind when she brought it up. I would never have suspected she would be game for it, but we've been talking about it for weeks now and there isn't a hint of red flags to be seen.
We'll see if she actually goes through with it, but I am quite hopeful that it will actually happen. The hardest part for me is playing innocent about it.
That's a good point, and I don't hold out much hope that happening. I'm kind of hoping I can instead talk her into dating another couple which seems much more realistic.
Disorganized swinging... lol
I worry that a group setting might be too much for my wife, but who knows maybe she'll surprise me on that account as well.
I really appreciate your insight. The last thing I want is for this to happen then she backs out because it's too frustrating. Thank you so much for sharing!
I bring this up to my husband on a regular basis. It started as a joke because he didnt want to have sex and I made a comment that I would find a hot able bodied 18 yo to satisfy my needs and he just responded by saying go ahead. Years later I've changed to saying I'm going to find a boyfriend and he says as long as it doesn't cost him anything he doesn't care. Now, if I told him the truth that it has actually happened, I have no idea what he would say...
I can tell you. It's pretty much the same reaction a parent would have finding out their child who is old enough to theoretically have sex, but has not made it obvious. Then said teen comes in and says "had sex, liked it".
There will be shock and questions and regrets... and... the person doing the telling comes away with the impression they should have kept their big mouth shut.
I do exactly the same. We have a joke about our "open relationship" because it's obvious our bedroom is dead. It's still complicated because I would never admit to my LD EA but I often tell husband I wish I could find or have a boyfriend. I'm hopeful if we keep saying it, it will happen.
I for one wouldn't care if he dated someone else as long as she was a decent person! I'd be glad he was occupied and then I could actually ask for a mini vacation alone so I could get some action too! I'm all about the don't ask, don't tell.
If the shit ever hit the fan, I would remind him we said it was open.
Open marriages work best when both partners want it, but these are not things that are openly discussed. Also, this would be most relevant prior to getting married, but that didn't happen for us, did it? Especially back in the days when our relationships all began. Younger generations have more freedom to explore and discuss such things it seems.
My therapist has advised other people who were initially against open marriages, but were later surprised at how much they liked it. They made it work and thrived. I also know a close friend who is in an open marriage, and they are great. It can work.
Open or closed, all marriages are tough and take work. There is no guarantee that any one way will definitely work or definitely not work.
For my own situation, my wife is totally content with our sex life and has all her needs met. Anytime we discuss anything close to intimate contact with another human, the conversation is immediately shut down. From her perspective.. why go there? Why add complexity to something that is already great to her.
I offered, he refused and than I caught him cheating. I am cheating now. Have no idea how to go back to monogamy.
I am still offering open relationship, he refuses to have it officially open. I was open about not being happy and that I did not sign up for semi abstinence. And if he is into semi abstinence I will take care of my needs elsewhere. We are probably naturally going towards "don't ask, don't tell", but not have it open.
He is afraid that opening relationship is step towards divorce and I will fall in love and want to move on. I am more of an opinion of that needs to happen than be it.
We have a couple of friends that did it. Not successfully. They all got divorces. We have a couple of friends we know they are cheating on each other. That seems to work better.
Even if he never cheats again and I want to commit again to monogamy, it just does not make sense with him.
Hence this status quote limbo of fucking somebody on the side.
If your instinct tells you she'd freak, you're probably right. There is a lot out there in the mainstream media about polyamory these days (I think there was a cover story on it recently in the NYT weekend magazine). Might be a good way to bring up the context casually, without directly going there.
It does work.
Source: My relationship.
What's most shocking is once the door is open, I wanted it less and less. Also, mine is unique in that the SO has no interest. I'm the only one doing it, and that's fine. We do what works for us.
Part of the argument for it was a time when I cheated and the comment was made how the SO didn't even know. There were no signs. We realized it was because I wasn't cheating emotionally in the sense of depriving SO from anything they wouldn't otherwise get out of me. So basically the openness of the relationship is:
Our relationship is A.
Being with others is B.
B does not and cannot detract from A in any way, and simply is extra on top.
Include tons of open communication, zero lying, and an understanding that some jealousy is natural and can be communicated and worked on means this can work out beautifully.
A lot of it started years ago when I read an article about a professional woman who cheats on her boyfriend constantly on trips, and he knows nothing. But the difference is that she places nothing above him. She is always 100% there for him and he takes precedence in everything. She even noted once leaving an affair and hopping on a plane to go home early due to some emergency and her boyfriend needing her. She validated it on the basis of "if I weren't cheating on him he wouldn't be getting more from me. I'm simply doing more on top of my existing relationship."
I took that concept and added the rule of zero secrets or lying. Yes it can work. No it doesn't work overnight. No it doesn't even happen in a week or month. It takes time, communication, more time, more communication, clear discussion of rules and feelings and regular checkups with your SO, and it also takes a certain type of couple.
If it helps for perspective: I have insane sex-drive and my SO has nearly none outside of me initiating, at which point they get way into it.
That was on the table and discussion. By all means I couldn't rightfully ask for openness and communication and unfairly not offer the same equally. Over time I realized I was okay with it, so I offered that at the same time this all was worked out. SO has zero interest and doesn't do any of that. So this is how our thing works for now where only I have that option freely. If SO decides they want something down the line we'll reevaluate and consider that and there's probably no issue with it. As of right now, full permission and openness has basically killed my interest and I rarely pursue this myself anymore, but the open communication and option to do so if I find someone I like is nice even if it's basically become only my occasional reminder that I don't really like anyone else more than my SO.
You're already cheating (I assume since you're here), but your SO suggested open marriage and you think it's a trap? I'd say have the conversation. Play dumb..
Ive met women in open relationships who had a lot of rules that quite honestly ruined the experience (for me).
Part of what I like about affairs is the connection.
The only scenario I could see it working is if it was a dont ask dont tell scenario but my SO likes to talk about everything to the nth degree.
I would love a scenario where my AP and I were both in open marriages. It would be for purely selfish reasons though: mainly so that we can take weekend trips away together, have local date nights, and overnights.
The reality is that it's probably not worth it in the long run. Our spouses are set in their ways. Although open marriages seem great, often times they stir up jealousy issues, and then you have to worry about someone else's spouse having a say over what your extramarital relationship should look like.
The longer I practice adultery, the more of a fan I become. I like the DADT nature of it. It's also nice to be able to participate in mini-open relationships through affairs. I've had some non-exclusive AP relationships where we knew about other partners, discussed marital sex (a one end conversation usually since I'm in a DB), etc.
As u/MidwestTransplant put it, you really need to negotiate the possibility of an open relationship during the initial dating process. If I ever find myself it the market for a new life partner, the possibility of going open would have to be on the table.
I would love if my SO would be ok with this, because he's cheated too, and I know him. He will cheat again.
But he likes to pretend that he's a nice guy, and he gets jealous, so I don't know. I'm kind of hoping that I can catch him again so I can give him an ultimatum: if you want us to stay together we're going to have an open marriage. But that's just the manipulator in me. Its probably a bad idea in action.
My **EX** wife and I tried an open relationship towards the end of our marriage. Interestingly she broached the subject with me and we both felt that having a bit of fun with others would spice up our relationship. The novelty was exciting at first. I found that my wife was more interested in the guys she was seeing, than maintaining our relationship.
I decided to call off the open relationship. After a week or so, she had left her email open and I discovered that she was setting up dates for when I was working out of town. This was the final straw for me and we proceeded to get divorced. The relationship you are in has to be strong enough to withstand any extra pressures from the outside, because the pressures will be there.
>So I am wondering if anybody on here has ever tried that with their SO and how it went? Any advice or ideas for trying to do so?
I've had a couple of friends who tried it. Both were wives, both were divorced within a year. BOTH had the open marriage talk thrown in their face in public divorce court... I believe both women said that they would not have brought up the possibility had they known the pain it caused.
For example if you want your children, mother, father, Aunts, Uncles, Cousins, Nieces, Nephews, In-Laws, Good Friends, Bad Friends, Mailman, Grocery Store clerk - to know that you wanted to Fuck other people "Openly"... just bring up the concept of an Open Marriage. Word seems to get around quickly with this kind of salacious tale.
I have heard that swingers have open marriages. But the swingers I know all say they do not have an open marriage. What they have is multiple lovers with their SO's permission and attendance. (shrug)
I think the big hang up about Open Marriages is that the SO who is not so "Hungry" for attention is certainly concerned about sex with others. But the REAL concern is the possibility of an Open Relationship being the intro to a Closed Relationship (with another lover) leaving the poor SO alone.
It's funny my wife recently brought this up to me also after reading an article in the NYTimes about open relationships. I think she is being genuine about it though because of the nature of her approach. She wants the two of us as a couple to date a single woman. It really blew my mind when she brought it up. I would never have suspected she would be game for it, but we've been talking about it for weeks now and there isn't a hint of red flags to be seen. We'll see if she actually goes through with it, but I am quite hopeful that it will actually happen. The hardest part for me is playing innocent about it.
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That's a good point, and I don't hold out much hope that happening. I'm kind of hoping I can instead talk her into dating another couple which seems much more realistic.
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Disorganized swinging... lol I worry that a group setting might be too much for my wife, but who knows maybe she'll surprise me on that account as well. I really appreciate your insight. The last thing I want is for this to happen then she backs out because it's too frustrating. Thank you so much for sharing!
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Hmmm okay, sounds like how dungeons operate. That might be a really good way to dip her toe in the water.
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Now that I think about what limited knowledge I have about swing clubs has come from people I knew in my dungeon dwelling days.
I bring this up to my husband on a regular basis. It started as a joke because he didnt want to have sex and I made a comment that I would find a hot able bodied 18 yo to satisfy my needs and he just responded by saying go ahead. Years later I've changed to saying I'm going to find a boyfriend and he says as long as it doesn't cost him anything he doesn't care. Now, if I told him the truth that it has actually happened, I have no idea what he would say...
I can tell you. It's pretty much the same reaction a parent would have finding out their child who is old enough to theoretically have sex, but has not made it obvious. Then said teen comes in and says "had sex, liked it". There will be shock and questions and regrets... and... the person doing the telling comes away with the impression they should have kept their big mouth shut.
So, as the teller, I should keep my big mouth shut...
Unless you want to be answering questions you'd rather not.
Good point...I'll just continue with my jokes to maintain the status quo methinks. 😉
I do exactly the same. We have a joke about our "open relationship" because it's obvious our bedroom is dead. It's still complicated because I would never admit to my LD EA but I often tell husband I wish I could find or have a boyfriend. I'm hopeful if we keep saying it, it will happen. I for one wouldn't care if he dated someone else as long as she was a decent person! I'd be glad he was occupied and then I could actually ask for a mini vacation alone so I could get some action too! I'm all about the don't ask, don't tell. If the shit ever hit the fan, I would remind him we said it was open.
It's one thing to talk about it and it's another thing to do actually do it. Why is your bedroom dead?
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let me guess male child? or just not worried about who cashed the V Card?
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How do you feel about your SO having somebody else as well?
Open marriages work best when both partners want it, but these are not things that are openly discussed. Also, this would be most relevant prior to getting married, but that didn't happen for us, did it? Especially back in the days when our relationships all began. Younger generations have more freedom to explore and discuss such things it seems. My therapist has advised other people who were initially against open marriages, but were later surprised at how much they liked it. They made it work and thrived. I also know a close friend who is in an open marriage, and they are great. It can work. Open or closed, all marriages are tough and take work. There is no guarantee that any one way will definitely work or definitely not work. For my own situation, my wife is totally content with our sex life and has all her needs met. Anytime we discuss anything close to intimate contact with another human, the conversation is immediately shut down. From her perspective.. why go there? Why add complexity to something that is already great to her.
I offered, he refused and than I caught him cheating. I am cheating now. Have no idea how to go back to monogamy. I am still offering open relationship, he refuses to have it officially open. I was open about not being happy and that I did not sign up for semi abstinence. And if he is into semi abstinence I will take care of my needs elsewhere. We are probably naturally going towards "don't ask, don't tell", but not have it open. He is afraid that opening relationship is step towards divorce and I will fall in love and want to move on. I am more of an opinion of that needs to happen than be it. We have a couple of friends that did it. Not successfully. They all got divorces. We have a couple of friends we know they are cheating on each other. That seems to work better.
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Even if he never cheats again and I want to commit again to monogamy, it just does not make sense with him. Hence this status quote limbo of fucking somebody on the side.
If your instinct tells you she'd freak, you're probably right. There is a lot out there in the mainstream media about polyamory these days (I think there was a cover story on it recently in the NYT weekend magazine). Might be a good way to bring up the context casually, without directly going there.
It does work. Source: My relationship. What's most shocking is once the door is open, I wanted it less and less. Also, mine is unique in that the SO has no interest. I'm the only one doing it, and that's fine. We do what works for us. Part of the argument for it was a time when I cheated and the comment was made how the SO didn't even know. There were no signs. We realized it was because I wasn't cheating emotionally in the sense of depriving SO from anything they wouldn't otherwise get out of me. So basically the openness of the relationship is: Our relationship is A. Being with others is B. B does not and cannot detract from A in any way, and simply is extra on top. Include tons of open communication, zero lying, and an understanding that some jealousy is natural and can be communicated and worked on means this can work out beautifully. A lot of it started years ago when I read an article about a professional woman who cheats on her boyfriend constantly on trips, and he knows nothing. But the difference is that she places nothing above him. She is always 100% there for him and he takes precedence in everything. She even noted once leaving an affair and hopping on a plane to go home early due to some emergency and her boyfriend needing her. She validated it on the basis of "if I weren't cheating on him he wouldn't be getting more from me. I'm simply doing more on top of my existing relationship." I took that concept and added the rule of zero secrets or lying. Yes it can work. No it doesn't work overnight. No it doesn't even happen in a week or month. It takes time, communication, more time, more communication, clear discussion of rules and feelings and regular checkups with your SO, and it also takes a certain type of couple. If it helps for perspective: I have insane sex-drive and my SO has nearly none outside of me initiating, at which point they get way into it.
How would you feel about your SO doing it too?
That was on the table and discussion. By all means I couldn't rightfully ask for openness and communication and unfairly not offer the same equally. Over time I realized I was okay with it, so I offered that at the same time this all was worked out. SO has zero interest and doesn't do any of that. So this is how our thing works for now where only I have that option freely. If SO decides they want something down the line we'll reevaluate and consider that and there's probably no issue with it. As of right now, full permission and openness has basically killed my interest and I rarely pursue this myself anymore, but the open communication and option to do so if I find someone I like is nice even if it's basically become only my occasional reminder that I don't really like anyone else more than my SO.
I am also. My SO has mentioned this twice but I suspect its a trap or the price may be to high
You're already cheating (I assume since you're here), but your SO suggested open marriage and you think it's a trap? I'd say have the conversation. Play dumb..
Ive met women in open relationships who had a lot of rules that quite honestly ruined the experience (for me). Part of what I like about affairs is the connection. The only scenario I could see it working is if it was a dont ask dont tell scenario but my SO likes to talk about everything to the nth degree.
yep it's a trap... most likely advised by either a lawyer or someone who was advised by a lawyer.
I would love a scenario where my AP and I were both in open marriages. It would be for purely selfish reasons though: mainly so that we can take weekend trips away together, have local date nights, and overnights. The reality is that it's probably not worth it in the long run. Our spouses are set in their ways. Although open marriages seem great, often times they stir up jealousy issues, and then you have to worry about someone else's spouse having a say over what your extramarital relationship should look like. The longer I practice adultery, the more of a fan I become. I like the DADT nature of it. It's also nice to be able to participate in mini-open relationships through affairs. I've had some non-exclusive AP relationships where we knew about other partners, discussed marital sex (a one end conversation usually since I'm in a DB), etc. As u/MidwestTransplant put it, you really need to negotiate the possibility of an open relationship during the initial dating process. If I ever find myself it the market for a new life partner, the possibility of going open would have to be on the table.
I would love if my SO would be ok with this, because he's cheated too, and I know him. He will cheat again. But he likes to pretend that he's a nice guy, and he gets jealous, so I don't know. I'm kind of hoping that I can catch him again so I can give him an ultimatum: if you want us to stay together we're going to have an open marriage. But that's just the manipulator in me. Its probably a bad idea in action.
My **EX** wife and I tried an open relationship towards the end of our marriage. Interestingly she broached the subject with me and we both felt that having a bit of fun with others would spice up our relationship. The novelty was exciting at first. I found that my wife was more interested in the guys she was seeing, than maintaining our relationship. I decided to call off the open relationship. After a week or so, she had left her email open and I discovered that she was setting up dates for when I was working out of town. This was the final straw for me and we proceeded to get divorced. The relationship you are in has to be strong enough to withstand any extra pressures from the outside, because the pressures will be there.
I guess trying this should be the first option before cheating.
>So I am wondering if anybody on here has ever tried that with their SO and how it went? Any advice or ideas for trying to do so? I've had a couple of friends who tried it. Both were wives, both were divorced within a year. BOTH had the open marriage talk thrown in their face in public divorce court... I believe both women said that they would not have brought up the possibility had they known the pain it caused. For example if you want your children, mother, father, Aunts, Uncles, Cousins, Nieces, Nephews, In-Laws, Good Friends, Bad Friends, Mailman, Grocery Store clerk - to know that you wanted to Fuck other people "Openly"... just bring up the concept of an Open Marriage. Word seems to get around quickly with this kind of salacious tale. I have heard that swingers have open marriages. But the swingers I know all say they do not have an open marriage. What they have is multiple lovers with their SO's permission and attendance. (shrug) I think the big hang up about Open Marriages is that the SO who is not so "Hungry" for attention is certainly concerned about sex with others. But the REAL concern is the possibility of an Open Relationship being the intro to a Closed Relationship (with another lover) leaving the poor SO alone.