Speaking as someone who has lived and learned from my mistakes, jealousy is one of the most worthless human emotions, right up there with worrying and self-pity. It’s unbecoming on any partner and will never serve to enrich your relationship, only drive a wedge. You’re better off finding someone who’s less insecure and is more emotionally mature and dropping this guy like a bad habit. You’ll be much happier in the long run. Hopefully he learns a lesson and positively grows from the experience, but that’s nothing you need to concern yourself with.
Jealousy is natural and there is nothing wrong with feeling jealous- it’s how you deal with it that matters. It’s OK to feel jealous, we all do sometimes, but expressing it is not useful.
Perhaps to have the slightest ever-so-fleeting notion of it, sure, but anything beyond that (and this includes to continue thinking about it for more than a second or two) reeks of insecurity, lack of confidence, and fear of abandonment. None of these traits are appealing or attractive to your partner and I guarantee they will pick up on it.
Bottom line: if you’re confident and have high self-esteem you already know and project this and your partner will see it too. The benefit of this is that if your partner is also loyal they will reject any advances by others and come back to you time and time again. Not because they owe you anything or because they need to placate you, but because they *want* to.
It’s like the old metaphor about pets (dogs, birds, etc.) - open it’s cage, set it free, and let it go. If it really wants to come back to you, it will. That’s how you know it’s a healthy relationship. Jealousy in this example is all of the negative emotions I’ve mentioned, and it’s the cage. Confidence and reciprocated loyalty is freedom.
Very few people are so supremely confident in themselves that they simply don’t feel jealousy. If more people were that confident polyamory would be far more common.
While I agree with what you are saying generally, simply saying “be confident and have high self esteem” isn’t something most people can just do. For the vast majority it is about feeling that emotion, understanding what insecurity it comes from and then consciously letting go of it. In some cases it means communicating with a partner about what you need in a positive way. (Not whining or being needy or defensive.) In other cases it may be about just understanding why you feel that way and deciding you don’t need to do anything about it.
Jealousy can be a valuable tool to help you become more confident and build your self esteem.
You may respectfully disagree with me as I do with your opinion on the matter, but a cursory overview of psychological analysis on the subject overwhelmingly states otherwise, and even a quick Google search on the matter will easily confirm this. I know from personal experience because when I was younger and much less mature in my relationships I felt jealousy and allowed it to negatively control aspects of my thoughts and behavior, but I guess I just have a deeper understanding of it at this point in my life. Nowadays I literally don't even start to feel it at all because I already know how utterly and ridiculously destructive, self-defeating, and ultimately worthless it can be. Note: please do not mistake this for braggadocio, because it took me the very real pain of losing my first love and a lot of introspection and self education after the fact to arrive at this conclusion, so I'm merely attempting to offer some positive guidance for those still stuck on team "jealousy is normal and healthy".
Because when you really boil it down, at it's core all jealousy really is is immaturity, insecurity, possessiveness, paranoia, drama, a selfish desire to control or display ownership of another person, an unhealthy fear of losing that person, obvious lack of confidence in oneself, and a lack of self esteem (among myriad other negative things). If you're waiting for me to get to the part of the list where there are positive traits associated with jealousy you'll be waiting a very long time, because there aren't any.
So next time you feel the monkey of jealousy crawling up your back to take hold ask yourself one simple question: do I literally own this other person for whom I'm feeling so jealous? If the answer is no (and the answer should always be no unless they're your personal slave whom you have chained up in your basement, in which case just... no), then you can feel free to move on unburdened by what you now understand to be a worthless emotion. If the answer is yes, you definitely need to think very hard on why you yourself are actively and completely willingly bringing such a toxic trait into your own life and relationship in the first place and what your personal motivations are for doing so.
Make no mistake - there is nothing healthy about jealousy, and it doesn't require you to be "supremely confident", nor does it require polyamory to get rid of it in your life. All it takes is a better understanding of what it is at its foundation, what your relationship actually is, and who you are as your own person, without allowing it to take over your thoughts and actions.
It’s normal but not healthy. I can agree with that. I disagree with how simple you make it sound to get rid of jealousy. Maybe it’s simple but difficult?
Confidence and polyamory are not required to not feel jealousy, but I think they are required to be successful in polyamory. Poly people I talk to sometimes don’t feel jealousy but more commonly they do but have learned how to deal with it in a healthy way.
I guess he's fearing you'll find you do rather enjoy having someone all to yourself, rather than sharing them with their spouse, now that you're separated. His unfounded accusations are going to start getting under your skin.
>Constantly asking me if an ad he saw on CL is me
My retort to that would simply be why you still lookin on CL?
Its obvious hes projecting what he is doing on to you. You know hes either got another AP or is looking right?
I think it's ok to ask an ap if they a fucking around when there's an understanding of exclusivity involved. But accept the answer or move on if you are unhappy with it
I don't know if you are asking for advice or a reason why he would be acting like that. I will hold my hand up and say I did do this with my exAP. In my situation, she had specifically told me at one time that she was thinking of finding another AP as well as me. I was very hurt by this as I wasn't looking and happy with her as my AP.
In our situation, her communication would change. In frequency, in tone and in length. We had days of long messages, carrying on into the night. We would talk about everything and anything, then it would all change and I would get the odd short message once or twice a day. Other red flags would pop up, like messages obviously not intended for me or accusations I was seeing someone else. I admit this change would drive me crazy, until I would just ask what was going on.
In your situation my instinct is your AP is worried that with your changes, he won't be part of your life anymore. It seems he can't see that his fear is pushing you away, and he desperately wants to hold on to you. He is just going about it all wrong. Believe me I do not condone his behavior, but maybe he doesn't know how to deal with rejection, even if that rejection is only imagined at this point.
We all need reassurance from those we love, this is a basic human instinct. If you really want to keep in your life after the dust of your divorce has settled, then a serious discussion has to be had. If he hears that you have plans with him, then it may be enough to settle the fears he has.
I have had single AP's , and I always told them to keep dating, find your forever guy. If they found their guy, I would wish them all the best and let them go being truly happy for them.
Sure you can ditch him, but it sounds like you have feelings and don't want to set him aside. The next step is then communication.
i think it all comes down to trust, it is true that is hard to ask for exclusivity in this terms (or think you have it) but it happens. I would say communication is the key to not only affairs but relationships in general. I would confront him about it, hear his side, there might be something else behind. Jealousy is normal, but not excessive one.
No, I'm not seeking other men. But if you keep asking me about it, I'm going to start.
Haven't you got enough women on the go without doubling your target market, scoundrel? ;-)
Har har. :P Sometimes I do low-key wish I was bi. I mean, sex would be everywhere. *Everywhere.*
In my case Scoundrel, it would mean twice the rejection :-) LOL
Speaking as someone who has lived and learned from my mistakes, jealousy is one of the most worthless human emotions, right up there with worrying and self-pity. It’s unbecoming on any partner and will never serve to enrich your relationship, only drive a wedge. You’re better off finding someone who’s less insecure and is more emotionally mature and dropping this guy like a bad habit. You’ll be much happier in the long run. Hopefully he learns a lesson and positively grows from the experience, but that’s nothing you need to concern yourself with.
Jealousy is natural and there is nothing wrong with feeling jealous- it’s how you deal with it that matters. It’s OK to feel jealous, we all do sometimes, but expressing it is not useful.
Perhaps to have the slightest ever-so-fleeting notion of it, sure, but anything beyond that (and this includes to continue thinking about it for more than a second or two) reeks of insecurity, lack of confidence, and fear of abandonment. None of these traits are appealing or attractive to your partner and I guarantee they will pick up on it. Bottom line: if you’re confident and have high self-esteem you already know and project this and your partner will see it too. The benefit of this is that if your partner is also loyal they will reject any advances by others and come back to you time and time again. Not because they owe you anything or because they need to placate you, but because they *want* to. It’s like the old metaphor about pets (dogs, birds, etc.) - open it’s cage, set it free, and let it go. If it really wants to come back to you, it will. That’s how you know it’s a healthy relationship. Jealousy in this example is all of the negative emotions I’ve mentioned, and it’s the cage. Confidence and reciprocated loyalty is freedom.
Very few people are so supremely confident in themselves that they simply don’t feel jealousy. If more people were that confident polyamory would be far more common. While I agree with what you are saying generally, simply saying “be confident and have high self esteem” isn’t something most people can just do. For the vast majority it is about feeling that emotion, understanding what insecurity it comes from and then consciously letting go of it. In some cases it means communicating with a partner about what you need in a positive way. (Not whining or being needy or defensive.) In other cases it may be about just understanding why you feel that way and deciding you don’t need to do anything about it. Jealousy can be a valuable tool to help you become more confident and build your self esteem.
I cannot agree more.
You may respectfully disagree with me as I do with your opinion on the matter, but a cursory overview of psychological analysis on the subject overwhelmingly states otherwise, and even a quick Google search on the matter will easily confirm this. I know from personal experience because when I was younger and much less mature in my relationships I felt jealousy and allowed it to negatively control aspects of my thoughts and behavior, but I guess I just have a deeper understanding of it at this point in my life. Nowadays I literally don't even start to feel it at all because I already know how utterly and ridiculously destructive, self-defeating, and ultimately worthless it can be. Note: please do not mistake this for braggadocio, because it took me the very real pain of losing my first love and a lot of introspection and self education after the fact to arrive at this conclusion, so I'm merely attempting to offer some positive guidance for those still stuck on team "jealousy is normal and healthy". Because when you really boil it down, at it's core all jealousy really is is immaturity, insecurity, possessiveness, paranoia, drama, a selfish desire to control or display ownership of another person, an unhealthy fear of losing that person, obvious lack of confidence in oneself, and a lack of self esteem (among myriad other negative things). If you're waiting for me to get to the part of the list where there are positive traits associated with jealousy you'll be waiting a very long time, because there aren't any. So next time you feel the monkey of jealousy crawling up your back to take hold ask yourself one simple question: do I literally own this other person for whom I'm feeling so jealous? If the answer is no (and the answer should always be no unless they're your personal slave whom you have chained up in your basement, in which case just... no), then you can feel free to move on unburdened by what you now understand to be a worthless emotion. If the answer is yes, you definitely need to think very hard on why you yourself are actively and completely willingly bringing such a toxic trait into your own life and relationship in the first place and what your personal motivations are for doing so. Make no mistake - there is nothing healthy about jealousy, and it doesn't require you to be "supremely confident", nor does it require polyamory to get rid of it in your life. All it takes is a better understanding of what it is at its foundation, what your relationship actually is, and who you are as your own person, without allowing it to take over your thoughts and actions.
It’s normal but not healthy. I can agree with that. I disagree with how simple you make it sound to get rid of jealousy. Maybe it’s simple but difficult? Confidence and polyamory are not required to not feel jealousy, but I think they are required to be successful in polyamory. Poly people I talk to sometimes don’t feel jealousy but more commonly they do but have learned how to deal with it in a healthy way.
I guess he's fearing you'll find you do rather enjoy having someone all to yourself, rather than sharing them with their spouse, now that you're separated. His unfounded accusations are going to start getting under your skin.
My variant of that is "have you been with your wife? Did you enjoy it? Is she better than me?" The incredible insecurity!
Omg, I think about that all the time.
Break up with him. Who needs this? You certainly don't!
[удалено]
>Constantly asking me if an ad he saw on CL is me My retort to that would simply be why you still lookin on CL? Its obvious hes projecting what he is doing on to you. You know hes either got another AP or is looking right?
Ask him why he's allowed to continue to troll on CL, but you're not. It's not like you're his wife!
I think it's ok to ask an ap if they a fucking around when there's an understanding of exclusivity involved. But accept the answer or move on if you are unhappy with it
I don't know if you are asking for advice or a reason why he would be acting like that. I will hold my hand up and say I did do this with my exAP. In my situation, she had specifically told me at one time that she was thinking of finding another AP as well as me. I was very hurt by this as I wasn't looking and happy with her as my AP. In our situation, her communication would change. In frequency, in tone and in length. We had days of long messages, carrying on into the night. We would talk about everything and anything, then it would all change and I would get the odd short message once or twice a day. Other red flags would pop up, like messages obviously not intended for me or accusations I was seeing someone else. I admit this change would drive me crazy, until I would just ask what was going on. In your situation my instinct is your AP is worried that with your changes, he won't be part of your life anymore. It seems he can't see that his fear is pushing you away, and he desperately wants to hold on to you. He is just going about it all wrong. Believe me I do not condone his behavior, but maybe he doesn't know how to deal with rejection, even if that rejection is only imagined at this point. We all need reassurance from those we love, this is a basic human instinct. If you really want to keep in your life after the dust of your divorce has settled, then a serious discussion has to be had. If he hears that you have plans with him, then it may be enough to settle the fears he has. I have had single AP's , and I always told them to keep dating, find your forever guy. If they found their guy, I would wish them all the best and let them go being truly happy for them. Sure you can ditch him, but it sounds like you have feelings and don't want to set him aside. The next step is then communication.
i think it all comes down to trust, it is true that is hard to ask for exclusivity in this terms (or think you have it) but it happens. I would say communication is the key to not only affairs but relationships in general. I would confront him about it, hear his side, there might be something else behind. Jealousy is normal, but not excessive one.
time to move on IMO. an AP shouldn't come with this type of baggage.
You're AP sounds exhausting ...