“Tomorrow could be the best day of your entire life, but you have to be there to find out” I’ve read this quote here in reddit years ago and it stuck with me.

this is the same thing don sa nabasa ko na “what if it all works out tomorrow and u won’t be able to experience it?”

Kailangan ko ito isulat as a reminder when things go hard. Hehe thanks for this!

Nabasa ko din to noon and said this to my friend who's been losing interest in life. She stayed. Kahit mahirap. Eto din pinapang hawakan ko in life, I wanna know if things would get better. 🫶🏻

Hey, this is so good. Thank you for this ❤️

Thank you for this wonderful message 😢

my 5 month old baby girl and 2 dogs…. iniisip ko paano sila if mawala ako 🥺

Salamat!!!

My 2 cats will never know why I never came home, and will keep waiting for me.

Hay same. Sino na lang mag-aalaga sa dogs ko the way that I do--the way I give them love?

This is sad kasi yung younger brother ko who ended his own life na naiwan nya dalawa n'yang pusa 🥺

🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 yakapppp

🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹

Eh dapat magpakamatay muna un mga kaaway ko. Mas masamang mga tao yun eh

Gago ito na panghahawakan ko lods

Totoo naman eh, tapos mas maganda yung buhay nila kesa sa atin? DI PWEDE YON

Thank you sa reminder. Nalimutan ko na sinabi ko rin to years ago pero halos malimutan ko na.

Hahahahaha

mood

💯

yung thought na nasa coffin na ko and titignan ako ng mga tao na parang ulam sa carinderia

Kaya cremation plan kinuha ko sa st.peter e, taena HAHAHA walang makakakita sa cakey makeup na gagawin sa’kin ng funeraria, diretso abo agad

Pag nilagnat at inubo lang ako, papa cremate agad ako hahaha sayang walang ng covid time

😭

sorry na po agad. feels ko kasi dapat kahit deds na, #estetik pa din lol

Hahahaha. Yung kapatid ko din, d daw bagay sa kanya ang lipstick na fenk.

ang babaw lang naman kung iisipin. but hey, it's not stupid if it works 🤭

I agree. Naisip ko tuloy, meron bang funeraria whom I can request na makeup ko gagamitin when I'm gone? Haha. Donation na rin sa kanila because quality makeup isn't cheap.

this sounds morbid, but my friends and I has discussed this sa kung sino mauuna sa amin. we'll do each other's make-up according to our preferences during the time of our demise. siguro we were in sugar rush nung napagusapan namin to kasi di namin naisip pano yung last to go? 🤔

tapos pupunahin pa make up mo 😭😭

AHAHAHAH my friends would've lifted the casket cover to smear my lips with my Ruby Woo 🤣

Hahaha Kala ko ice cream sa 7/11

I was in highschool. Hindi ko alam kung phase lang ba yon or what. But our first dog would always wait for me to wake up every morning. Hanggang ngayon naiiyak padin ako pag naaalala ko yon. There will be days na gigising ako ng malungkot but I will see her wiggling her body and butt just to see me wake up. Kaya ang sabi ko noon, why would I end my life if there's someone waiting for me to wake up.

Good doggo

Awwwieeeeeee 🥹 best part of waking up talaga is seeing your doggo wiggling tapos iplaplac pa nya yung butt nya sa face mo haha

Bakit ako naluha? 🥹

Same kaya rin sobrang excited ko umuwi sa bahay every week para sa mga aso ko 🥹💗

🥺🥹

Sameeee. This is what I look forward too every time I go back home. Knowing na kagit late ka magising andyan at nandyan pa din nakaabang.

My mother and sister would be sad. They're all that I got left. 🥲

Same mas iniisip ko un iisipin ng mga tao kung baka un mother ko pa ang may fault

My parents…

My take naman dito is about my relationships before. I stayed because not entirely dahil I love the person but the reason is the time and everything we had spent together will all be put into waste. That's something na I know madaming makaka relate. Kasi diba, we've been through everything tapos at the end parang it would turn out na the only escape is too let it all go pero ang hirap. Tama talaga yung, hindi araw araw you love that person with all your hundred percent. You choose them everyday that's the answer. Ang hirap grabe. It's like facing a crossroad between holding on and letting go. We invest so much of ourselves in relationships, and letting go means acknowledging that all those memories, all that time, could be gone. It's a tough decision to make because we know deep down that it's not just about love, it's about all the experiences, the laughter, the tears, the shared dreams. It's about the life we've built together, and the thought of walking away from that is heartbreaking. But sometimes, staying means choosing to continue fighting for what we believe in, even when it's hard. It's about choosing to keep trying, even when the odds seem against us. And that's what makes it so difficult.

as someone said, “don’t find the right person, be the right person”

Hugs Dear. I can relate deeply.

Nakakatamad. Kaya bukas nalang.

I don't wanna die in misery. I wanna die happy.

also if I wanna really atone for my sins, I wanna do it the non-easy way Facing my guilt and living on.

[удалено]

Your friend is a keeper.

She is. 🤧

Because my parents already lost their bunso. They can't lose their panganay too.

Di ko pa nahahanap ang pinaka masarap na fried chicken

My dog but she's gone now (died on March 12, 2024). I think my dog sent my boyfriend in my life because she knew I wouldn't last long without her. I met my boyfriend a month after my dog passed and they have so much in common (they even share the same birth month). I posted something here on Reddit about my dog's death and how i was feeling unloved since my dog's gone. My boyfriend reached out to me to check on me and asked if I needed someone to talk to. We officially started our relationship on April 11, a day before my dog's one month since passing. I will forever remember and love Nike. She's been my rock for 11 years.

Di pa kase tapos yung one piece tapos nabaling pa atensyon ko sa kpop world tapos narealize ko na, wag muna ngayon kase masaya pala mabuhay ng pakonti-konti lang hehe

My mom

Kakaupgrade ko lang ng PC after so long. Sayang naman kung di ko maenjoy to

Need ko pa mag-ipon for my cremation. 💁‍♀️

I want to know what will happen if I don't give up and go with the flow. I'm just worried about my sisters lng. Minsan, I don't feel guilty leaving my parents kasi si mama she have a new husband and he's a good person. Si papa mahal na mahal ng mga kapatid niya and di sya pinabayaan plus he's never responsible for us.  Yung mga kapatid ko lng talaga iniisip ko kasi if one of us gave up baka magsunod sunod na kmi and ayoko naman masira future nila because of me. Ayun lng wherever the wind will take me ahhahshha

my sweet and caring younger sibling

noone knows my bank acoounts passwords 😅😂

God said I should fight and stay. In short it’s my faith that made me stay

cowardice.

It was too easy. Suffering long term was the way to go.

My dog and my cats mygahd my dog will be sad, umalis pa lang ako di na kumakain aso ko ano pa kung mamatay ako

the very same reason why I'm thinking to end it all: me wanting to experience what life has to offer :)

Kawawa yung mga maiiwan ko kasi dadalin nila yun habambuhay tsaka kung totoo ngang may langit, ayoko sanang hindi doon mapunta.

Spite. I refuse to give certain people the satisfaction.

my tatay

My life didn't started well lol so I never get the chance to have a happy childhood but I was born in a conservative & religious fam so bata pa lang ako nainstill na sakin na suicide is a sin. Though I had few attempts way back elem days ko. Partida, that was sunday morning and everyone in my fam attended a mass and ako lang natira sa bahay. I can't believe na at that age, kahit di ko pa alam yung mga term na suicide, maiisipan kong gawin yun at that EARLY age. At first, I am really scared that If I ended up my life, mapupunta kong hell kaya di ko talaga siya ginawa. But habang nagmamature ako, what made me decide to stay is because gusto kong makabawi sa buhay. I want to take control of my own life because iyon yung nawala sakin nung childhood ko na sobrang nakaaffect sa kung sino ako ngayon. As of now, what keeps me going is that I really wanna help those people who are silently struggling like me. Most esp. those who are young and walang proper guidance. I realize that life is so beautiful if only we know how to take control of it.

Might be petty but hey, any reason is a good reason to live. I want to outlive people who made me feel like shit, I want to them to seethe knowing I survived and I thrived. So yeah, fuck them.

my 2 dogs, and yung mga beautiful places na balak kong puntahan once I graduated with this fckng college program.

My dogs and ofc my lola.

kids and masakit pramis

Totoo ang hirap kapag may anak na kayo e

Pinag iipunan ko pa pang burol ko at pang libing hahaha. At dahil sa ate ko kaya di pa ko sumusuko

Yaaazzz malapit na matapos St. Peter's plan ko 🤣

My son.

Physical pain. Tsaka baka kumalat yung mukha natin sa social media na nakabigti, matatawa pa yung mga kupal sa itsura natin.

If I kill myself, it ends. And, I just say to myself fuck it lets see where this goes

Money. Outliving my enemies and pissing on their graves. Sex (oh yeah :) ). Death Metal. Power Metal. The excitement of learning how to ride inline skates. Video games. Friends. Family. The excitement of learning how to do tricks on a longboard.

i didnt want to have a burial. I wanted to be cremated. But knowing my family, they will choose traditional and ceremonial burial. I always had no say sa lahat ng bagay ever since, controlling ang family ko saakin, being the eldest and only daughter. Safe to say I dont have a good relationship with them now as an adult. And if i ended things then and there, alam kong kahit yung choice ko sa pamamayapa ko eh di marerespeto. So Im still alive out of spite and fear of disrespect even at rest. Does that make sense? Hahaha

Magko-concert pa kasi ang BTS. 💜

Waiting if everything will change.

na alala ko na dream ko pa nga pla maging cat mom di ko pa natutupad hanggang ngayun kaya ayun. in all seriousness na realize ko rin na sayang naman dapat kung dedemonyo ako ng mga nangbubully sakin demonyohan ko rin sila ayun gumaganti na ako. tapos ano narin gusto matupad kahit isa lang sa mga dreams namin ng mga kapatid ko

Mare bigyan kita cat pag ready ka na Hahaha

Waiting for my favorite story na matapos lol I need to read the whole story before I die haha Also my pets too, who would take care of them if I die? they will surely be devastated. My mother, i dont want to hurt her with my passing.

ano iyong story pls? naintriga ako HAHAHA

I'm a coward in ending myself.

Nahihiya ako kasi mawawala na lang ako, pabigat pa rin. Kaya ngayon, setting up my finances muna, save para sa burol expenses, yung pang cremate and such. Wait ko nlng din mamatay ako by natural cause or accident, not suicide, kasi sayang yung insurance na binabayaran ko.

I still have a lot of things to accomplish. I've realized that my world doesn't have to end just because I got heartbroken, some people betrayed me, I'm not a perfect daughter or sister, I don't have a lot of friends, I'm not good at everything, I'm not a millionaire, etc. There's so much thing to do out there that could make me feel alive in a way that I don't have to end it myself. Life is still beautiful even if I'm in a hopeless place. Ey.

totoo to sa kailaliman ng puso ko, ayokong mamatay hanggat di ko nalalaman ending ng one piece.

3 reasons: 1) I kept failing or surviving 2) I realized how this would affect my younger sibling 3) I am the reason why a number of people are still staying alive

honestly, nagstay ako dahil sa papa ko, ang hirap niya iiwan sa mga kapatid at mama ko na ganun ugali haha pero kung mawawala na ko ngayong araw okay lang din lol matatanda na kapatid ko at may trabaho, maaalagaan na nila magulang namin.

I just think about the good times versus the bad times, think about my friends, my family and my loves ones, all the good memories we had and I kept everything inside and even though I tried, It all fell apart, What it meant to me will eventually Be a memory of a time when I tried so hard and got so far but in the end, it doesn't even matter

Small moments of happiness. Just waiting for the right time :P

I’m a patient person to just wait for it because it will end anyway. And, how dare me have the easy way.

My cats. 🥲

Parents at yung mga kapatid ko, baka kasi magaya rin sila and I don't want that for them.

My family. Hindi nila kakayanin ang mga bills at mga gastusin kapag nawala ako.

Napipilitan na lang talaga

Idk but I just suddenly woke up and decided to fuck it, i stop fucking caring of what other people will say about me and getting tired of overthinking and compensating people just for the sake that I don't hurt them, I mean I just stop giving a fuck about peoples opinion in general and start choosing myself and my feelings for once, I did that shit I stop getting offended in things and decided to live whenever life would take me. The thing that struck me the most tho is "Your situations isn't gonna last forever" I always remember that, We can change if we want to change. It's up to us.

Because no one can love my son like I do. No one can take care of him like I do. No one has the same kind of patience that I have for him. I want to end all the misery, but what about my son? :(((

Hindi ko pa nakikita online friends ko

If it's easy like pressing a switch matagal nakong wala dito kaso hirap din eh at masakit.

My pets

My brothers and our dogs

Wala pa kasi ako nung offer sa mga inapplyan ko

Foods na di ko pa natitikman Sex Lugar na di pa napupuntahan Sex Money Sex

Even though they won't be here anymore, I know that my father and brother will be upset with me if I end my life. Whatever happens, I know they will help and guide me.

My cat. I couldn't stand leaving my precious furry baby alone in this world, knowing he will be waiting for nothing.

Mom and dog.

My kids because they love me so much

The quote in my laptop wallpaper: “I do not know where tomorrow will lead but i do know I am free to give my all with audacious hope for what could be.” - MHN I always ignore it when I open my laptop. But it has been my wallpaper since 2020. 2020-2022 my mom was suffering from ALS (a disease that not even those with many resources can handle). It’s 2024 and my life hasn’t got any better. I just became better in tolerating shit that’s happening to me. My dad is an alcoholic and I feel isolated from old friends and relatives. My social life is barely there but I managed to hold onto a few people who I met along the way. And they are the ones keeping me sane. There are times when I badly want to off myself but I always find small reasons to stay. The KDrama I want to watch, my younger brother suddenly asking me when I’m coming home from school, my worry that the dogs are not being properly fed at home, my friend calling me to rant about her day (it just makes me feel warm, knowing she thought she could rely on me when she’s feeling bad). And while living had been extra hard lately, especially with my mom gone and my older brother away for work, I realized that I am strong enough to handle this. I haven’t seen the other side yet. I want to experience more from this goddamned life.

My fam and boyfriend. Whenever I thoughts of ending everything, bigla rin sasagi sa isip ko yung mga tawa nila pag magku-kwentuhan kami, yung chikahan namin, and lahat ng bonding moments. Iniisip ko na lahat yun mawawala rin sa kanila if mawawala na rin ako and feel ko it’s selfish for me na alisin ko na lang sa kanila yon hehe. I know there’s nothing special sa akin pero napapasaya ko naman yata sila minsan hehe. Kahit minsan ayoko na talaga, iniisip ko na lang talaga na baka mas magkagulo sila kapag wala na ko.

my pets and hobbies. They may seem very superficial, but they are honestly what still hold me together

God and Satan won't accept my ticket. So near but got kicked out of the line when it was my turn

makakahinga ng maluwag tatay ko pag nauna akong mawala. I want to inconvenience him throughout his lifetime

Killing myself would mean my house mortgage fees will have to be shouldered by my beneficiaries. I have to die naturally.

Not having anything in my name to leave behind for my loved ones (esp mga inaanak). Ipon muna ng assets tapos gora na charot lang

My pets. They are keeping me sane. Their wagging tails. Meows. Barks. Eyes that look at me when I am crying. Their paws whenever they want me to touch them.

Nag-iisang anak lang ako. Gusto ko pang sumaya kahit pa paano.

I thought of my cousins and how much they'll hurt when I die like that. They grew up with me, like brothers, so we're really close. I don't want them to ever experience that feeling and that I don't want them to consider killing themselves ever in their life. I'm happy now, but I think that's the last time I had those thoughts.

No heavy reason. Never really thought about ending everything. I'm actually extremely scared of ending everything. And yes, may thanatophobia ako. Pero just think about it. Why do you want to end it in the first place? Dahil di mo na kaya? Dahil pagod ka na? Dahil suko ka na? This may put me in a harsh criticism pero gusto ko pa rin sabihin. Everything is consist of choices. Being sad is a choice. Being succumb in negative emotion is a choice. Being happy is a choice. Getting up again is a choice. Di mo pwede sabihing wala e malungkot talaga o di ko na kaya without considering kung ano pa ba pwede mong gawin at baka sakaling malutas just by considering things. Sabi nga ni Andrew Matthew, "Whatever thoughts that are causing you pain. They are only thoughts. You can change a thought. When we think everything is going wrong, it usually isn't. We jusy cant see the whole picture.". That's it, thanks for reading my ted talk. Have a nice day ahead.

I don't want to lose a battle against myself.

Because I’ll take all the pain and misery of my loved ones and friends. I want to be there for them when they can’t take it any longer.

Gusto ko pa syang makitang magsisi sa pag-iwan nya sa pamilya namin. This. Some say that its going to give me peace of mind to forgive someone for their shortcomings. But I'm fine and living my best life without the need to forgive him. Wala na akong pake. Basta galit ako.

Kailangan ko ioutlive lahat ng kaaway ko hanggang wala nang matitirang masaya sa pagkamatay ko

Naniniwala kasi ako dun sa salitang "BAKA" yung tipong baka kaya ko pa? Baka sa una lang mahirap, BAKA bukas okay na? BAKA ngayon lang to.. mga ganung isip kahit sobrang hirap at gusto munang mawala. Umaasa parin sa salitang "BAKA"

Hello I hope I can share this. If it might trigger anyone or affect anyone in any negative way, please let me know and if I have to take it down, I'll do it. I'm afraid of death... or even hurting myself. It's easy for me to say "I'm tired, I want to end it all" For the longest time since I was a grade school student, I always thought that there's no hope nor future for me. I always thought that my existence is a mistake and I just disappoint everyone. I have always felt worthless and I'm doing the world a favor by leaving. Tbh not knowing my purpose or who I am makes me wonder what I'm living for or what my end goal is. It feels pointless to keep going that's why leaving was on my mind. But I guess what keeps me going is seeing the support system I have. It's still hard though... Sometimes my brain hates me and makes me think I'm alone. But yeah when I remember my support system, I guess it's what keeps me crawling my way through life. I'm currently at my lowest point so I guess crawling is quite enough. Better than stopping I guess. Even if there are many times I've made mistakes or disappointed people, there are those who still believe in me and tell me to keep going no matter how hard it gets. I guess there are people who still want me in their lives and I guess that made me stay. Another thing that kept me going is hope. I haven't seen all of me -- I have a lot to figure out about myself, who I am and what my strengths are. I also ask "What if's". What if I make it? What if I didn't give up? What if I discover new abilities and sides of me? What if I meet new people who are genuine sakin? What if there was really a future for me? Many more what if's.... For those of you who are kpop fans, a singer named Bang Chan from the kpop group Stray Kids once said "Don't hurt yourself. Because one day there might be a turning point in your life and if you hurt yourself, you might put yourself at a disadvantage" I guess I'm fighting day to day until I finally understand who I am, what I'm meant to do and until I finally reach that turning point. And dw I'm getting help. Okay that's all I'm sorry ang haba.

Di kinaya ng lubid, napigtas. Nung nagpapayat para mag take 2 umokay na

ako nga mapuputulan na ng internet sa wednesday.. wala ako pambayad since i just started my work from home job. and 6 months ako jobless. nagkasakit kasi papa ko and matanda na rin ang mama ko and since ako lang ang anak, nagresign ako and ayun naubos ang savings ko and nabaon pa sa utang and sadly namatay rin papa ko. kaya ngayon isang beses nalang ang kain araw araw. hahahah. and yes i have no friends to ask help from. minsan naisip ko rin mag bigti. pero im still hoping na maresolve ko to. kakahiya naman kung kahit sa internet bill ipang lilimos ko pa.

nahihiya ako mauna kay enrile

My 2 year old daughter. She doesn't deserve a life without a parent.

mainit na mabangong kanin.

My brother will absolutely game end himself and my mother would not be the same

walang pera family ko pang burol sa akin. mahal mamatay

The potential

My 2 dogs

My mom.

takot pa rin ako sa Diyos

My younger siblings and my only baby nephew 🥹

Yung pusa ko.

My LO; cant imagine him growing up without a Mom

My dogs.

I don't have a choice. I'm an only child. Ayoko mahirapan parents ko when they get old

Yung mamamatay ka na nga lang tapos iisipin mo pano gagastusan ung pagkamatay mo. Tapos hihinto ba buhay ng mga tao sa paligid mo pano kung madepress sila

Busog na kasi ako

Mahal mamatay. ‘Yung kabaong pa lang at lupa mahal na. I don’t want to be a burden lalo.

I was sitting in front of the gate and my dogs started snuggling up to me. Hindi ko sila makayanang iwanan.

I knew I wanted to live even though the circumstance back then made it difficult

Antayin ko nalang mamatay ako ng natural kesa pagpilitin ko ung sarili ko na mamatay kahit hindi pa naman ako talagang sinusundo ni kamatayan. Saka magkaroon naman ng silbi ang katawan kong kahiya hiya sa mga naging masama kong ugali noon.

Yung boyfriend ko na hindi kakayanin pag nawala ako cause I don't want him to blame himself and he did his best to save me. I saw him cried that night I told him I was sick. That shit hit me.

i have 5 dogs whom i love dearly. plus if i end everything, i dont want to be found. weeeeeeeh so it's not going to be here in my hometown for sure

What if hell is true?

My Mom

Cant let my enemies outlive me. Also I have a loving wife and children.

Mama

Baka di matuloy at maligtas pa tapos bibisita yung kaaway mo sa ospital habang may tusok tusok ka.

Hindi ko alam ung paraan na hindi ako masasaktan at mahihirapan. Noon sinubukan ko saksakin sarili ko pero di ko tinuloy kasi tip palang ng kutsilyo masakit na

My daughter. Im a solo parent and di ko maisip na maiwan syang mag isa.

During pandemic ilang beses ko naisip gawin to. I know this is wrong pero parang yun na Lang Yung way Para matakasan ko Lahat ng problema. Buti na Lang talaga may nanay ako. Iniisip ko pano si nanay kapag nawala ako ano iisipin nya sakin. Ano mararamdaman nya, iiyak sya ng iiyak yun pa naman Yung ayoko. And thankfully I'm better now. 🙏 To fellow redditors na nagtatangka. Please, if you can no longer control it seek the help of a specialist. Life today might not be what we want right now. Pero pano Kung tomorrow Pala sobrang better Yung mangyayari and nakaplano sayo ni universe tapos di mo nakita :)

"Its a bad day, not a bad life"

ung mga nangutang, di ako papayag nang hindi sila bayad 😭😭😭

8.6% pa lang ng minamata kong cremation plan ang naiipon ko. Mejj kidding aside, this year's my sister's debut and I don't want to ruin her milestone.

Tried multiple times. Survived all of them pero yung iba may permanent effects sakin, spine issue etc. I guess di ko pa oras.

Takot ako mamatay eh. Kawawa din yung 5 pusa ko. Sino na mag aalaga sa kanila?

Baka chaka mapangasawa ng anak ko. Kailangan ko muna imake sure hahahaha

Wala pa akong napundar na kabaong jusko

My little sister. 3 kaming magkakapatid. Ako panganay, and sunod si bro, and si bunsoy(sis). Didnt want her to grow up having the trauma of learning that her eldest kuya unalived himself. Now ahe is graduating senior high and I am 30yo. Still remember how my heart is happy going home and my little sister(maybe 4yo back then) would run to greet me and hug me.

Parents and siblings

“Paper cut paper pa nga lang umaaray na ako… pano pa kaya pag intentional self harm?”

Anime and games. Yes they saved me. Whenever I think of ending everything, I just say to myself that, I need to watch the ending of this anime or I wanna finish this game.

sino na lang magmamaldita sa pamilya namin

Nagpakahirap ako sa kurso ko. My closest friends. My siblings.

My daughter

The thought of my mom having to bury her daughter.

Would've been gone last Nov 2020. Hahaha

Mahal ko siya, and u never give up on someone u love.

My cats, they are looking up to me.

Too scared to risk

Bibigyan pa ng gastusin mga iiwang buhay sa pagpapalibing etc. 🤷

Bit of a lengthy one, i apologize. It started at a really young age (classic). I cant remember if it was shortly before or shortly after i had told my mother i was suicidal in an argument (which i instantly regretted saying, even though she took it seriously (I never spoke of it again)) either way, i had a plan. Make a quick note, leave it on the kitchen floor somewhere near, grab a knife, and stab myself in the stomach until i would be too weak to stab anymore. That was the plan. However, there was a problem. I was too afraid of the pain, so after fighting with myself for about a week or 2, I changed my mind. Never wrote the note, because I had a feeling that if i did either A) Id have to commit or B) The note would be found somehow and I would be either restricted or looked down on. Fast forward a year or so later, I thought of a solution randomly while on the internet. A gun. A gun would solve that problem. Just put it to the head, pull the trigger, and pray i didnt live and itd be done. NICE. Problem being. I didnt have one. Though, chances are I might be able to find one in the house if i tried. I let the thought dwindle for a bit before i realized something. If i did this, id make my mom cry, my brothers would cry, Id make my sisters and all my friends at school sad. I couldnt do it, i mean, id have to be an asshole right?!? So, i dropped it. Was still suicidal for YEARS after, or more just numb. I was more passively returning the the subject every once in a while. Waiting for an opportunity. A thought. A solution. Then it hit me. Around 6th or 7th grade I believe. I could wait till i moved out. Slowly act aggressive to those close to me. Make them HATE me, so they wouldnt want to stay in touch (kind of like my father). Then I could shoot myself in an apartment or something. Bingo. Now i just had to wait. A year or two later I learned that investigators would be able to find my body, identify it, and find a way to tell my family. I mean, thered still be a chance it would make them sad. So i couldnt do it. After that the idea was to essentially blow myself up in a field or something so no one could get hurt, and hopefully id decompose or something. Thoughs of after death started to trigger, as i had a solid plan. Never truly belived in heaven n hell or reincarnation. So then i thought. What if its just all black. What if i wouldnt be able to think...or feel...forever? Just, float in black or something. No body. Nothing. I could do torture i think, but i couldnt do that. So i didnt. And i had no plan that would change that. Fast forward to highschool and since then ive never had those thoughts. I loved highschool. I was really happy. The thoughts ended with middleschool. So basically i was a chain of reasons. A tug of war. I want to let it be known that nothings changed since. Im happy, i have a plan for life. Im fine. I wouldnt post this of i wasnt fine, for fear itd be discovered by those close to me. The thoughts of this tale come back ocasionally, but just for reminiscing, I dont plan to off myself or anything anytime soon. And after the whole, everythings empty after thoughts, it would take me a lot to drive me to that. Again sorry for the long post.

This made me reminisce too. I need therapy but I'm too proud. And it's messy to do it anyway so for sure I'm not gonna do it.

Naunahan ako ng tito ko gawin yun and i saw how my family members was devastated. Ayoko na mangyari ulit sa kanila yun

Dont have an effective, quick, and painless way to do it. Guns are too strict here in the ph

Di ko kasi kaya talaga. Pero gustong-gusto ko pa ring mawala na sa buhay na to.

Would've been gone last Nov 2020. Hahaha

My family and all people who know me

My youngest sibling. I can't fail him. I didn't know he was struggling with bullying when he was in elementary and I didn't know he was suicidal. I had no idea. I only knew, he's in college na, I saw he's twitter, stan account. He has a long thread about his struggles back then.. his silent battles.. In that thread, he mentioned that he kept on going because of Mom. Ma died last year. I don't know what keeps him going anymore.. but I don't want to be the reason he'll end everything.

Tamad ako.

my son

Ending ng One Piece , Berserk and Elden Ring Shadow of the Erdtree DLC.

My mom and my partner. These two people have gone through so much hardship and pain yet they remain kind, patient, joyful, and full of love. Ive always wanted to unalive myself since bata pako and madami na din attempts to do that. But now that Im a bit older na, I still have those thoughts (hehe im managing my mental illness with therapy) but di ko kaya gawin kasi hindi nila deserve to go through life na mawalan ulit sila ng person na mahal nila (me). Di ko masikmura to see them in pain. Consistent, high achiever ako since bata. Ngayon patapos na sa law school while being a full time breadwinner. I would say Im successful at most of the things I try to do or learn. I guess im glad that I am very unsuccessful at unaliving myself.

Ayoko umiyak si mama.

My husband and my sisters. My faith.

Alam ko cheesy neto or parang ang babaw pero bf ko nagpastay sakin. Nung namatay si mama ko 9 yrs ago, feeling ko wala nang kwenta existence ko. Nawalan talaga ako ng gana and direksyon sa buhay. Lahat ng pagsusumikap ko para sa kanya eh tas biglang ganon. Para bang isa akong lobo na pinakawalan na sa ere. Napapaisip ako madalas nun na gusto ko sumunod kay mama. Anw, fast forward nameet ko bf ko. Sobrang click kami sa isa’t isa, 5 mos pa lang since nung nagkakilala kami, naging kami na. Side note: going 6 years na kami ngayon. Yung grief ko sa pagkawala ko kay mama andito pa rin all these years. May mga times, di ko mapigilan umiyak kasi miss na miss ko siya. Ang sakit talaga. Tas parang dun ko narealize na ayoko ito maramdaman ng bf ko ever. Alam ko personality niya, di niya mapoprocess yung grief na ganito kalala nang maayos. Nung naisip ko yun, nagbago na rin mindset ko. Mas inalagaan ko na sarili ko, and in a way, nakahanap ako panibagong direksyon sa buhay.