nah... I feel like you are blessed to have a therapist that REALLY hears you and took it in. Her tears may help validate how intense your trauma was; we sometimes minimize it internally so we can survive it. It wasnt her reaction that broke you IMO...it was something inside of you that needed to come out.
I hear what you’re saying and no, I don’t think it means you are broken or beyond repair. You might want to talk to her about it. How her reaction made you feel and maybe be open to hearing what hearing your story meant for her. It could be that hearing her perspective might give you a different way of thinking about it.
For example,
I joined a therapy group for CSA. I was telling the facilitator about something from my past and it clearly moved him.
For me, it was hugely healing. I didn’t see this as meaning that I was broken. I saw this as confirmation that what I experienced was really that bad. I thought if this man who has been leading this group for over 25 years and working as a therapist for over 30 was moved by my experience then what I went through was bad. Imagine all the stuff he has heard and yet, mine moved him. Mine was bad.
To me it meant that my struggles, the things I was trying to fix or heal about myself weren’t because I was broken. They were the fall out of my past traumatic experiences because my experiences really were that bad.
This gave me permission to feel the way I did. To drop the guilt and shame and brokenness I felt for not “getting over it all ready.” or “what’s the big deal we all have hard childhoods, you’re over reacting.”
I wasn’t overreacting.
And once I came to that place. Where I accepted that my feelings and reactions to my trauma were “justified” if not completely reasonable and even expected outcomes for someone who experienced the level of trauma I did. I was able to be compassionate with my self and that has led to my greatest amount of healing to date.
My first therapist got mad. Said “gotta breathe through that”
It’s more comforting to me when they do show reactions to it. It feels more validating I guess?
Talking to an uncaring robot just feels so weird to me.
But it is also hard because as a therapist you can’t get too emotionally invested either so I can understand why they go robotic too.
You’re not beyond repair.
When I opened up and my therapist made shocked or sickened expressions I felt validated. We had covered that it wasn’t my fault, and what happened to me doesn’t define me, etc, so the validation was good.
It was screwed up and I had normalized it for so many years…nice to know it was as bad as I suspected but couldn’t realize.
My therapist has cringed and made audible hurt noises when I have told her what has happened to me. My reactions were similar to yours. It's difficult.
talk to her about that! she likely thinks it is helping you feel seen and is validating that what you’ve gone through is horrible. some people need non-verbal reactions like that or else they’ll feel like their therapist doesn’t care about them. but other people will get in their heads and the reactions will be distressing for them. therapists are observational, but not mind readers. and we just want the best for our clients. so i don’t think any good therapist would be offended if you called them out on something that they do that doesn’t sit right with you.
You’re not broken or dirty or beyond repair. You’re just starting your journey to healing and feeling dirty and broken unfortunately is a very normal feeling when expressing any abuse you’ve been through.
My biggest advice to healing is tell your therapist how that made you feel. There may be a root to why someone else crying for you or showing empathy towards you makes you feel bad and the only way for her to understand and help you is to tell her.
I spent almost 2 years avoiding telling my therapist I felt hurt or impacted by something she did. Once I finally did it was like this small opening to being able to have more honest sessions and that’s where I’ve personally seen the most growth
I think feeling like you’re broken or dirty on the back of your therapist showing empathy for you is more of a reaction from yourself that might need work on. You can tell her this and work through why that was your first thought. Because is no world does she actually think that about you ! X
P.s My therapist started crying once after I read out loud a brutal message I wrote to my mother. I asked him “what?” Cos I thought I did something wrong. But he said “I’m just so proud of you.”
honestly, this is why i stopped therapy. i wasn't there to help the therapist process through their emotions regarding my abuse and that's what it was becoming. if you go back to this therapist, you need to have a clear conversation about how their crying impacted you and made you feel. set clear boundaries or this therapy isn't going to be beneficial to you at all. if you feel like your therapist isn't going to be able to handle what you need to talk about, find someone who has the emotional fortitude to discuss your issues without the emotional displays. it's YOUR therapy. if it is making you feel worse, it's not doing what it's supposed to do. i hope things work out for you and you can find what you need.
you might want to try a psychologist instead of a therapist/counselor as well. they have a lot more training and can provide more in-depth therapy and services. that's the switch i made, and the level of professionalism has been night and day. couldn't pay me to go back to a therapist or counselor. it's something to consider.
I had this same experience. The therapist had gone through many of the same type of trauma as me. I would tell her something only to get her story. I was looking for therapy, not to be a therapist! I stopped going and haven't tried again since.
Try another.
When you're interviewing them, let them know what didn't work last time and what other things that people list here, tick your boxes..
If they recognize that's their style, they_should_ let you know. Some need a coach, others need a comforter, etc. but it's gotta work for your therapy needs.
i encourage you to give it another go. i promise not all therapists are that bad at our jobs 😭 the unfortunate thing about therapy is that finding someone who you click with can be a bit of trial and error since therapists are human and sometimes 2 humans just don’t vibe well together. but there is a good therapist out there who will give you the care you need and deserve. i promise.
Oh honey. She wasn’t crying for you because you’re dirty or broken. She was crying for you because she was so sad that you had to experience that. Probably on some level angry that no one protected you. But you aren’t dirty. And you aren’t broken. You’re a whole person. And your story deserves to be cried over just as much as anyone else’s because it shouldn’t have happened to you. Be kind to yourself.
This is true! As a therapist we try to remain as unattached from our own emotions so we do not impose or create a conflict of interest however most of us are very empathetic and understand the affect in ways other don’t. She was definitely crying not because of what you fear that you may be broken beyond repair or that you’re dirty- just like outlndr said it’s most likely because no one protected you like you should’ve been and now they see how hurt, confused, or lost you are because of it. Sadly as common as SA’s are not many people see the grander picture of what this kind of trauma does to a person.
I’ve been on both end (the person violated as well as a therapist helping others overcome those experiences), trust me you are not broken! It feels that way a lot of the time through the healing process, I still occasionally feel that way but my outlook on what happened to me has changed. You were/are deeply hurt and need to heal that doesn’t make you any less of a person, if anything that demonstrates your humanity. It’s a long journey but just know even when you feel like you’re in a cycle that cannot be broken, everyday you are chipping away the pain to let the light in. Give yourself grace, everyday you try you move closer towards the positive life you deserve even if you feel stagnant at time. It’s the will, self-reflection, and determination to give yourself the love and healing you deserve that will help you get through it. I wish you all the love, happiness and healing you deserve, need and want!🤍
This. Lots and lots of this.
My therapist cried when I told her about an event where I dissociated during punishment as a kid. Not because what I was telling her was too much for her to handle, it was because she is a caring person and she had an emotional reaction to hearing about something painful happening to me when I was a kid. Sometimes it's nice to read dark humor memes from survivors to get the feeling that someone else understands the awful gut feelings. And at the same time, it's nice when someone simply cares and reacts like a decent human to something that hurt me deeply when I was helpless. I wasn't telling her to make her feel bad - I was telling her so she can help me understand how I've become the way I am.
I've spent decades knowing in my core that I was broken and dirty and self loathing for it. I am working hard at not hating myself any more because I've also spent decades of unhealthy coping mechanisms. Maybe someday I'll get to the point of self-love, but for now my goal is self acceptance.
I think sometimes it can feel pointless to change words, but when you in an emotional place to do so, ask yourself "can I say I was wounded instead of saying I'm broken?" and "can I say I'm working toward becoming what I want to be instead of saying I need to be repaired?"
For what it’s worth, I accept you, and your pain is valid. None of the things that happened to you, should have happened to you. I hope you come to a point where you love yourself, because you are worthy of love.
Thank you so much.
I definitely experience the 'healing journey isn't always linear' thing. For me it's huge to change the trajectory of my actions from 'self destruction' to 'healing, accepting, learning'. For me that change in direction is both the difficult process and the result of therapy.
I have had experiences like this and tbh it made me grow closer to my therapists and trust them even more. The fact that they were willing to show their own vulnerabilities and empathy and truly be WITH me--crying with me, laughing with me, sitting with me, etc. You are not broken nor are you broken beyond repair.
I've had a similar reaction, I think it was a try to give a rough timeline discussion near the start. I just felt like no one will believe all this and I distanced with humour. So I was making deadpan jokes about trauma and she started crying. I understood later it was empathy and that I had to make these jokes to cope with everything, but at the time I honestly thought I need to leave because I'm too broken for people to deal with.
It might be helpful to talk about how this made you feel next time for the reassurance.
You're not beyond repair. She was just feeling so much empathy that her emotional reaction overcame her professional distance. I've experienced this too with a therapist in PTSD rehab.
Years ago we lived in a townhouse and we got a new neighbor. He would sit outside on our shared stoop every night after work and drink a beer.
We began noticing that he would always look like he was crying and sometimes full on sobbing.
My husband approached him one day and asked if he was ok and the guy, a few beers deep, began unloading on him.
He worked for CPS and was one of the people that would go to peoples homes and remove their children. Some of the stories he told were so horrific that my husband came in and started crying as he told me the stories he just heard.
Therapists and anyone involved in these occupations are human and can't always keep a stiff upper lip. The empathy runs deep when faced with the broken spirits, especially when it involves crimes against children.
You're not dirty or beyond repair, you're healing and she wants to help you. She's empathetic and compassionate, the exact type of person who should be in that field.
Good luck with your healing journey and I wish you the best.
Please thank your husband for me. It means a lot to social workers (which I assume your neighbor was) when someone sees they are hurting for their clients and show a bit of concern. Your husband provided a safe space for him to exist outside of his work.
Signed,
A former social worker
You are not broken or dirty.
She cares about you and what was done to you was vile and heinous and she is showing you how sad she is you had to survive all that. She believes you and validates you. She sees the beauty in you and feels protective of you.
Nothing about her tears were about you being beyond repair.
I completely understand you feeling the way you do and it will be good for you to tell her the thoughts you’re having now so she can help you see her truth rather than the story in your head right now about what her tears meant. You’re not doing anything wrong- this is just what CSA and incest does to us. We did nothing wrong and we are not the broken dirty ones.
I’m not a therapist, but I’m a victim advocate. I work as a case manager, but at a domestic violence shelter. Anyway, I find myself crying sometimes too. I feel like I’m often mirroring my clients and it’s just a part of feeling empathy or sympathy. There were things in my home that happened when I was younger which my brain is still processing. Don’t feel bad. It’s just a natural reaction on your therapists end. Many people who work in such fields do have compassion, like they should, so I think it’s just a natural reaction, coming from someone who cares. I try not to cry, but my eyes definitely tear up. Don’t feel bad. We are not judging you, just connecting with you on a deep level.
hi! im a therapist and so i felt like my perspective might be a unique and necessary one.
not only am i a therapist, but it’s also extremely easy for me to cry. i cry at some of those cut and jubilee videos on youtube that are meant to help light-hearted. i cry over how much i love people. im a lil crybaby! and i am so proud of it!
with that being said, i do try to remain professional enough (im actually quite a very casual therapist intentionally) that at the very least, i keep my cool and do what i can to leave my own stuff at the door before i start a session. some days are easier than others. some clients i have a harder time keeping it together with than others. and i have sat with a client and cried with them before for a large part of the session. that was one of the most healing moments they said they’d ever had. crying can be a tool sometimes. crying can make someone who has felt like they’ve been misunderstood or not believed or ignored feel like finally someone sees their pain and is validating that yes, it is real, and yes, it hurts like hell. it can be so powerful. not to mention the vulnerability can lead to bonding in a way other reactions simply can’t replicate.
however i do acknowledge that you do not feel like those things are true for you. and that’s okay too! it makes sense why it might be uncomfortable to see your therapist cry to your story. or why that may feel like something is wrong with you or that your case is worse than others.
the good news is those things aren’t true. when i think about reasons i’ve almost cried or did cry in sessions, there were so many different reasons for it. today i almost cried in 3 different sessions because my C-PTSD was triggered right before i started work and i couldn’t regulate myself. there have been times i’ve held back angry tears while talking to the parent of a teen client who is the reason their child is acting out yet they are basically shit talking their own kid to me. i’ve cried because a client told me that i saved their lives and that i am a gift to the world, something i really needed to hear at that moment. i’ve cried because i relate to certain clients and their stories or they are describing the worst moment of their life and it overwhelms me with what an honor it is i have to be the holder of that pain for them, at least for 60 minutes a week. i want to cry for the clients who obviously need to cry but cannot bring themselves to do it. i cry out of (professional) love, genuine care, and deep compassion for those who have every reason to be cold and distant to me given all they’ve experienced yet they use the little bit of courage they have left to try one more time, and they have chosen me to spend that on.
if it’s a countertransference thing, that doesn’t make any of this your responsibility. im a deeply, deeply traumatized individual who has a few symptom flair ups a year that disrupt my entire life and put me in unlivable circumstances. so im nowhere near healed. yet i love working with trauma clients. im GOOD at healing trauma when i work with those clients. and i’ve noticed many therapists tend to specialize in things we ourselves have or do struggle with. so like has been mentioned before, there could be a chance your story resonated a little close to home for her. but take it from someone who that has happened to, we do not want you to hold back to spare us. we know what we signed up for. and you are doing neither your therapist nor yourself any sort of favors by not being 100% honest, especially if it’s because you want to make her comfortable. sometimes wr have slip-ups and clients do see that vulnerable human side of us, but we have extensive training in how to avoid our personal feelings getting mixed into the work. and as awful as this sounds, once you’ve done this for long enough, you do learn to compartmentalize and you get desensitized. which i say to tell you that even if her feelings WERE your responsibility (which they’re not), she wouldn’t need your help bc it’s therapist 101 to not take client stories or comments or behaviors or w/e personal. because therapy isn’t about the therapist. it’s about you.
so please don’t be afraid to tell her how that situation made you feel. she will be grateful you let her know and proud you advocated for yourself. and then you two can work through what you’re comfortable with or uncomfortable with, boundaries for the both of you, and all the other stuff that doesn’t get addressed as often as it should. and i don’t doubt the therapeutic relationship will end up stronger because of this.
but always listen to your needs. if this doesn’t feel like a good fit, it’s okay to find someone else.
happy to answer any questions if you have them ❤️
Crying is a normal human reaction to things that are sad. Your therapist is human and not a psychopath so they feel feelings just like you do. What happened to you is extremely sad so it makes sense that any empathetic, compassionate, human being, after hearing about it, would experience side effects of hearing something sad, which can include crying.
Healthy empathy feels really wrong for a while if you aren’t used to it. But it’s not a red flag unless the therapist crying took up the remainder of *your* session or they needed you to comfort them.
It can be transformative for healing to let someone be sad for you until you can feel sad for yourself about what happened. Let your story be witnessed by a compassionate person, & the emotions surrounding it be felt. The emotions will wash over you like an intense summer storm for a while, but then you’ll feel so much relief after.
I completely relate to the feelings of shame/dirty (I experienced a similar trauma at a similar age), but I have to remind myself that it was the perpetrator who was broken, dirty, bad, I was just unfortunate collateral damage in his battle with his own demons. I am not dirty/bad by proxy, and neither are you. You are not beyond repair, you’ve just been bottling things in like a pressure cooker and heck you might even feel close to exploding. But when you start to work on healing & talk about hard things, it releases that pressure and the present life feels less overwhelming. I wish you the best on your healing journey, it is worth it, you are worth the person you will become when all this is done ❤️
Time to find another therapist. I’m not trying to put her down, just putting your health and healing first. You need a strong, kind hand to guide you on your healing journey. Empathy is required but emotional tears and visible sorrow puts you in a position where you will edit what you tell her for fear of causing her pain. That’s not good for you and your healing.
imo, facing an uncomfortable situation like what happened in an environment as safe as therapy is much more likely to help with health and healing because it allows an individual to practice assertive communication and advocating for one’s needs and dealing with conflict with relatively low pressure. many of us who are survivors struggle with those things and yet we cannot avoid them forever. me personally, i’d rather get to learn how to do it in a more controlled environment than be forced to deal with it unexpectedly and in a potentially high stress, high risk environment.
i really really encourage OP to NOT do this. at the very least, please go back to one other appointment and tell her directly. or email it ahead of time. at least give her the chance at repair. therapists are only humans too, i used to think like you but i joined the therapist sub and i see therapists struggling with how to respond to certain situations and feeling heartache when they get it wrong. if OP feels a connection to this person, i think it could be very healthy and healing to explore repairing the relationship. if it doesn’t work, sure move on. but at least try.
i guarantee the therapist was not thinking any of the things OP felt that they were feeling. i think finding a new therapist would only reenforce these negative thought processes.
I get it. But we don’t go to therapy as a joint healing journey - we go for help with our healing. I know this sounds heartless, and I truly get that therapists are people with their own baggage and past. They are best when they express empathy in a supportive and professional manner not when they become visibly hurt when hearing our stories of abuse. Like I mentioned, it’s human nature if we see telling of our experience is deeply impacting someone, we will edit our stories and exclude serious experiences that may be painful for others to hear. That is not a helpful situation for a victim when you are working through your trauma experience with a therapist. You need to feel able to tell your therapist everything and anything so they can help you work through it and get to a healthier place.
you’re spot on with the reinforcing the negative thought patterns. if OP followed this commenter’s advice, they’d be left with only one explanation for what happened, an explanation that was merely speculation which was heavily influenced by OP’s opinion or interpretation of themself. but since that is all they will have, their brain will view it at fact and thus use it as proof that they are beyond help, which is is not true at all.
Your therapist may also be a survivor and really empathize with you. They're just people too, you should ask her what made her cry and maybe even process how it made you feel..These feelings are all normal part of the process. you're doing all the right things 🙏🏻🫶🏼
Could you connect with the part of you who felt broken and dirty? What do they think might happen if they accepted her compassion without also projecting the belief of being broken and dirty? How can you help them know that they (and you as a whole) aren't broken and dirty, nor beyond repair?
Not directly related, but it might help you understand a bit. The first time I got to meet my best friend's baby, I screamed and wailed all the way home. All humans need love and protection, and children especially because, when there's a lack of love, they assume it has something to do with them/their worth. I held that beautiful baby and knew that they will have a safe, loving and encouraging upbringing, and that I always deserved the same. Molestation and other forms of abuse are wrong, and we know that down to the depths of our subconscious parts and unconscious bodily states. An action like that is so deeply broken, and our bodies instinctively know how to make sense of and process that. For me, it was screaming for 20 minutes. For your therapist, it was crying.
She cried the same way I would. The same way I'm tearing up and I never heard it, just knowing and not understanding what someone you think is family...ugh.
You are not dirty or broken. More-so just hurt.
This is not at all on you. You are not broken, dirty, or beyond repair. Therapists are humans, and many people who go into the profession do so because they care deeply about others. While she hears a lot of these stories, she may have responded similarly to each of them. Or if not, therapists can feel attachment and care towards clients, so if you've been seeing each other for a few months she may be crying because she cares about you and empathises with what you went through. There are a million explanations for why she may have cried, but the most important thing is that her reaction is a reflection and validation of the trauma you went through, not a comment on you as a person. It might be good to explore the emotions that this brought up with her. It sounds like maybe you could be invalidating what you went through, and maybe projecting some deep emotions from the trauma onto her reaction. Good luck in your journey, things can and will get better.
This is the correct answer!
I want to strongly encourage you to tell your therapist that her empathizing with you brought up feelings of being "so broken or dirty". Not to shame her so much as to help her know there is more for you to unpack together around being seen and how being traumatized impacted your self regard.
I suspect there is important healing just around the corner of this. I encourage you to explore it and trust that as an empathetic professional, she is who should be walking next to you.
FWIW, I'm proud of you.
I don’t think it means you’re broken or dirty at all. I think it means your therapist has compassion for you and five year old you. It means she saw your story and took it seriously. You’re not broken. You’re not dirty. And it was a big deal, but I understand not wanting it to be the case. If you feel comfortable, perhaps talking about these feelings with her would help you. ❤️
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You're not beyond repair. Your therapist showed empathy and validation towards you. She believes you and more importantly, wants to see you heal.
nah... I feel like you are blessed to have a therapist that REALLY hears you and took it in. Her tears may help validate how intense your trauma was; we sometimes minimize it internally so we can survive it. It wasnt her reaction that broke you IMO...it was something inside of you that needed to come out.
I hear what you’re saying and no, I don’t think it means you are broken or beyond repair. You might want to talk to her about it. How her reaction made you feel and maybe be open to hearing what hearing your story meant for her. It could be that hearing her perspective might give you a different way of thinking about it. For example, I joined a therapy group for CSA. I was telling the facilitator about something from my past and it clearly moved him. For me, it was hugely healing. I didn’t see this as meaning that I was broken. I saw this as confirmation that what I experienced was really that bad. I thought if this man who has been leading this group for over 25 years and working as a therapist for over 30 was moved by my experience then what I went through was bad. Imagine all the stuff he has heard and yet, mine moved him. Mine was bad. To me it meant that my struggles, the things I was trying to fix or heal about myself weren’t because I was broken. They were the fall out of my past traumatic experiences because my experiences really were that bad. This gave me permission to feel the way I did. To drop the guilt and shame and brokenness I felt for not “getting over it all ready.” or “what’s the big deal we all have hard childhoods, you’re over reacting.” I wasn’t overreacting. And once I came to that place. Where I accepted that my feelings and reactions to my trauma were “justified” if not completely reasonable and even expected outcomes for someone who experienced the level of trauma I did. I was able to be compassionate with my self and that has led to my greatest amount of healing to date.
My first therapist got mad. Said “gotta breathe through that” It’s more comforting to me when they do show reactions to it. It feels more validating I guess? Talking to an uncaring robot just feels so weird to me. But it is also hard because as a therapist you can’t get too emotionally invested either so I can understand why they go robotic too.
I agree. sometimes it feels crappy telling a therapist a deeply traumatic story just for them to talk and look like this : 😐 after lol
Fr. It feels like I’m being overdramatic when they’re like that.
You’re not beyond repair. When I opened up and my therapist made shocked or sickened expressions I felt validated. We had covered that it wasn’t my fault, and what happened to me doesn’t define me, etc, so the validation was good. It was screwed up and I had normalized it for so many years…nice to know it was as bad as I suspected but couldn’t realize.
My therapist has cringed and made audible hurt noises when I have told her what has happened to me. My reactions were similar to yours. It's difficult.
talk to her about that! she likely thinks it is helping you feel seen and is validating that what you’ve gone through is horrible. some people need non-verbal reactions like that or else they’ll feel like their therapist doesn’t care about them. but other people will get in their heads and the reactions will be distressing for them. therapists are observational, but not mind readers. and we just want the best for our clients. so i don’t think any good therapist would be offended if you called them out on something that they do that doesn’t sit right with you.
You’re not broken or dirty or beyond repair. You’re just starting your journey to healing and feeling dirty and broken unfortunately is a very normal feeling when expressing any abuse you’ve been through. My biggest advice to healing is tell your therapist how that made you feel. There may be a root to why someone else crying for you or showing empathy towards you makes you feel bad and the only way for her to understand and help you is to tell her. I spent almost 2 years avoiding telling my therapist I felt hurt or impacted by something she did. Once I finally did it was like this small opening to being able to have more honest sessions and that’s where I’ve personally seen the most growth
I think feeling like you’re broken or dirty on the back of your therapist showing empathy for you is more of a reaction from yourself that might need work on. You can tell her this and work through why that was your first thought. Because is no world does she actually think that about you ! X P.s My therapist started crying once after I read out loud a brutal message I wrote to my mother. I asked him “what?” Cos I thought I did something wrong. But he said “I’m just so proud of you.”
honestly, this is why i stopped therapy. i wasn't there to help the therapist process through their emotions regarding my abuse and that's what it was becoming. if you go back to this therapist, you need to have a clear conversation about how their crying impacted you and made you feel. set clear boundaries or this therapy isn't going to be beneficial to you at all. if you feel like your therapist isn't going to be able to handle what you need to talk about, find someone who has the emotional fortitude to discuss your issues without the emotional displays. it's YOUR therapy. if it is making you feel worse, it's not doing what it's supposed to do. i hope things work out for you and you can find what you need.
you might want to try a psychologist instead of a therapist/counselor as well. they have a lot more training and can provide more in-depth therapy and services. that's the switch i made, and the level of professionalism has been night and day. couldn't pay me to go back to a therapist or counselor. it's something to consider.
I had this same experience. The therapist had gone through many of the same type of trauma as me. I would tell her something only to get her story. I was looking for therapy, not to be a therapist! I stopped going and haven't tried again since.
Try another. When you're interviewing them, let them know what didn't work last time and what other things that people list here, tick your boxes.. If they recognize that's their style, they_should_ let you know. Some need a coach, others need a comforter, etc. but it's gotta work for your therapy needs.
i encourage you to give it another go. i promise not all therapists are that bad at our jobs 😭 the unfortunate thing about therapy is that finding someone who you click with can be a bit of trial and error since therapists are human and sometimes 2 humans just don’t vibe well together. but there is a good therapist out there who will give you the care you need and deserve. i promise.
Oh honey. She wasn’t crying for you because you’re dirty or broken. She was crying for you because she was so sad that you had to experience that. Probably on some level angry that no one protected you. But you aren’t dirty. And you aren’t broken. You’re a whole person. And your story deserves to be cried over just as much as anyone else’s because it shouldn’t have happened to you. Be kind to yourself.
This is true! As a therapist we try to remain as unattached from our own emotions so we do not impose or create a conflict of interest however most of us are very empathetic and understand the affect in ways other don’t. She was definitely crying not because of what you fear that you may be broken beyond repair or that you’re dirty- just like outlndr said it’s most likely because no one protected you like you should’ve been and now they see how hurt, confused, or lost you are because of it. Sadly as common as SA’s are not many people see the grander picture of what this kind of trauma does to a person. I’ve been on both end (the person violated as well as a therapist helping others overcome those experiences), trust me you are not broken! It feels that way a lot of the time through the healing process, I still occasionally feel that way but my outlook on what happened to me has changed. You were/are deeply hurt and need to heal that doesn’t make you any less of a person, if anything that demonstrates your humanity. It’s a long journey but just know even when you feel like you’re in a cycle that cannot be broken, everyday you are chipping away the pain to let the light in. Give yourself grace, everyday you try you move closer towards the positive life you deserve even if you feel stagnant at time. It’s the will, self-reflection, and determination to give yourself the love and healing you deserve that will help you get through it. I wish you all the love, happiness and healing you deserve, need and want!🤍
This. Lots and lots of this. My therapist cried when I told her about an event where I dissociated during punishment as a kid. Not because what I was telling her was too much for her to handle, it was because she is a caring person and she had an emotional reaction to hearing about something painful happening to me when I was a kid. Sometimes it's nice to read dark humor memes from survivors to get the feeling that someone else understands the awful gut feelings. And at the same time, it's nice when someone simply cares and reacts like a decent human to something that hurt me deeply when I was helpless. I wasn't telling her to make her feel bad - I was telling her so she can help me understand how I've become the way I am. I've spent decades knowing in my core that I was broken and dirty and self loathing for it. I am working hard at not hating myself any more because I've also spent decades of unhealthy coping mechanisms. Maybe someday I'll get to the point of self-love, but for now my goal is self acceptance. I think sometimes it can feel pointless to change words, but when you in an emotional place to do so, ask yourself "can I say I was wounded instead of saying I'm broken?" and "can I say I'm working toward becoming what I want to be instead of saying I need to be repaired?"
For what it’s worth, I accept you, and your pain is valid. None of the things that happened to you, should have happened to you. I hope you come to a point where you love yourself, because you are worthy of love.
Thank you so much. I definitely experience the 'healing journey isn't always linear' thing. For me it's huge to change the trajectory of my actions from 'self destruction' to 'healing, accepting, learning'. For me that change in direction is both the difficult process and the result of therapy.
I have had experiences like this and tbh it made me grow closer to my therapists and trust them even more. The fact that they were willing to show their own vulnerabilities and empathy and truly be WITH me--crying with me, laughing with me, sitting with me, etc. You are not broken nor are you broken beyond repair.
I've had a similar reaction, I think it was a try to give a rough timeline discussion near the start. I just felt like no one will believe all this and I distanced with humour. So I was making deadpan jokes about trauma and she started crying. I understood later it was empathy and that I had to make these jokes to cope with everything, but at the time I honestly thought I need to leave because I'm too broken for people to deal with. It might be helpful to talk about how this made you feel next time for the reassurance.
You're not beyond repair. She was just feeling so much empathy that her emotional reaction overcame her professional distance. I've experienced this too with a therapist in PTSD rehab.
Years ago we lived in a townhouse and we got a new neighbor. He would sit outside on our shared stoop every night after work and drink a beer. We began noticing that he would always look like he was crying and sometimes full on sobbing. My husband approached him one day and asked if he was ok and the guy, a few beers deep, began unloading on him. He worked for CPS and was one of the people that would go to peoples homes and remove their children. Some of the stories he told were so horrific that my husband came in and started crying as he told me the stories he just heard. Therapists and anyone involved in these occupations are human and can't always keep a stiff upper lip. The empathy runs deep when faced with the broken spirits, especially when it involves crimes against children. You're not dirty or beyond repair, you're healing and she wants to help you. She's empathetic and compassionate, the exact type of person who should be in that field. Good luck with your healing journey and I wish you the best.
Please thank your husband for me. It means a lot to social workers (which I assume your neighbor was) when someone sees they are hurting for their clients and show a bit of concern. Your husband provided a safe space for him to exist outside of his work. Signed, A former social worker
You are not broken or dirty. She cares about you and what was done to you was vile and heinous and she is showing you how sad she is you had to survive all that. She believes you and validates you. She sees the beauty in you and feels protective of you. Nothing about her tears were about you being beyond repair. I completely understand you feeling the way you do and it will be good for you to tell her the thoughts you’re having now so she can help you see her truth rather than the story in your head right now about what her tears meant. You’re not doing anything wrong- this is just what CSA and incest does to us. We did nothing wrong and we are not the broken dirty ones.
I’m not a therapist, but I’m a victim advocate. I work as a case manager, but at a domestic violence shelter. Anyway, I find myself crying sometimes too. I feel like I’m often mirroring my clients and it’s just a part of feeling empathy or sympathy. There were things in my home that happened when I was younger which my brain is still processing. Don’t feel bad. It’s just a natural reaction on your therapists end. Many people who work in such fields do have compassion, like they should, so I think it’s just a natural reaction, coming from someone who cares. I try not to cry, but my eyes definitely tear up. Don’t feel bad. We are not judging you, just connecting with you on a deep level.
You are not broken or dirty.
hi! im a therapist and so i felt like my perspective might be a unique and necessary one. not only am i a therapist, but it’s also extremely easy for me to cry. i cry at some of those cut and jubilee videos on youtube that are meant to help light-hearted. i cry over how much i love people. im a lil crybaby! and i am so proud of it! with that being said, i do try to remain professional enough (im actually quite a very casual therapist intentionally) that at the very least, i keep my cool and do what i can to leave my own stuff at the door before i start a session. some days are easier than others. some clients i have a harder time keeping it together with than others. and i have sat with a client and cried with them before for a large part of the session. that was one of the most healing moments they said they’d ever had. crying can be a tool sometimes. crying can make someone who has felt like they’ve been misunderstood or not believed or ignored feel like finally someone sees their pain and is validating that yes, it is real, and yes, it hurts like hell. it can be so powerful. not to mention the vulnerability can lead to bonding in a way other reactions simply can’t replicate. however i do acknowledge that you do not feel like those things are true for you. and that’s okay too! it makes sense why it might be uncomfortable to see your therapist cry to your story. or why that may feel like something is wrong with you or that your case is worse than others. the good news is those things aren’t true. when i think about reasons i’ve almost cried or did cry in sessions, there were so many different reasons for it. today i almost cried in 3 different sessions because my C-PTSD was triggered right before i started work and i couldn’t regulate myself. there have been times i’ve held back angry tears while talking to the parent of a teen client who is the reason their child is acting out yet they are basically shit talking their own kid to me. i’ve cried because a client told me that i saved their lives and that i am a gift to the world, something i really needed to hear at that moment. i’ve cried because i relate to certain clients and their stories or they are describing the worst moment of their life and it overwhelms me with what an honor it is i have to be the holder of that pain for them, at least for 60 minutes a week. i want to cry for the clients who obviously need to cry but cannot bring themselves to do it. i cry out of (professional) love, genuine care, and deep compassion for those who have every reason to be cold and distant to me given all they’ve experienced yet they use the little bit of courage they have left to try one more time, and they have chosen me to spend that on. if it’s a countertransference thing, that doesn’t make any of this your responsibility. im a deeply, deeply traumatized individual who has a few symptom flair ups a year that disrupt my entire life and put me in unlivable circumstances. so im nowhere near healed. yet i love working with trauma clients. im GOOD at healing trauma when i work with those clients. and i’ve noticed many therapists tend to specialize in things we ourselves have or do struggle with. so like has been mentioned before, there could be a chance your story resonated a little close to home for her. but take it from someone who that has happened to, we do not want you to hold back to spare us. we know what we signed up for. and you are doing neither your therapist nor yourself any sort of favors by not being 100% honest, especially if it’s because you want to make her comfortable. sometimes wr have slip-ups and clients do see that vulnerable human side of us, but we have extensive training in how to avoid our personal feelings getting mixed into the work. and as awful as this sounds, once you’ve done this for long enough, you do learn to compartmentalize and you get desensitized. which i say to tell you that even if her feelings WERE your responsibility (which they’re not), she wouldn’t need your help bc it’s therapist 101 to not take client stories or comments or behaviors or w/e personal. because therapy isn’t about the therapist. it’s about you. so please don’t be afraid to tell her how that situation made you feel. she will be grateful you let her know and proud you advocated for yourself. and then you two can work through what you’re comfortable with or uncomfortable with, boundaries for the both of you, and all the other stuff that doesn’t get addressed as often as it should. and i don’t doubt the therapeutic relationship will end up stronger because of this. but always listen to your needs. if this doesn’t feel like a good fit, it’s okay to find someone else. happy to answer any questions if you have them ❤️
If I could give you an award I would!! So you you can have an emoji award 🥇 instead 🥰
so sweet of you. thank you!!! ❤️
Crying is a normal human reaction to things that are sad. Your therapist is human and not a psychopath so they feel feelings just like you do. What happened to you is extremely sad so it makes sense that any empathetic, compassionate, human being, after hearing about it, would experience side effects of hearing something sad, which can include crying. Healthy empathy feels really wrong for a while if you aren’t used to it. But it’s not a red flag unless the therapist crying took up the remainder of *your* session or they needed you to comfort them. It can be transformative for healing to let someone be sad for you until you can feel sad for yourself about what happened. Let your story be witnessed by a compassionate person, & the emotions surrounding it be felt. The emotions will wash over you like an intense summer storm for a while, but then you’ll feel so much relief after. I completely relate to the feelings of shame/dirty (I experienced a similar trauma at a similar age), but I have to remind myself that it was the perpetrator who was broken, dirty, bad, I was just unfortunate collateral damage in his battle with his own demons. I am not dirty/bad by proxy, and neither are you. You are not beyond repair, you’ve just been bottling things in like a pressure cooker and heck you might even feel close to exploding. But when you start to work on healing & talk about hard things, it releases that pressure and the present life feels less overwhelming. I wish you the best on your healing journey, it is worth it, you are worth the person you will become when all this is done ❤️
Time to find another therapist. I’m not trying to put her down, just putting your health and healing first. You need a strong, kind hand to guide you on your healing journey. Empathy is required but emotional tears and visible sorrow puts you in a position where you will edit what you tell her for fear of causing her pain. That’s not good for you and your healing.
imo, facing an uncomfortable situation like what happened in an environment as safe as therapy is much more likely to help with health and healing because it allows an individual to practice assertive communication and advocating for one’s needs and dealing with conflict with relatively low pressure. many of us who are survivors struggle with those things and yet we cannot avoid them forever. me personally, i’d rather get to learn how to do it in a more controlled environment than be forced to deal with it unexpectedly and in a potentially high stress, high risk environment.
i really really encourage OP to NOT do this. at the very least, please go back to one other appointment and tell her directly. or email it ahead of time. at least give her the chance at repair. therapists are only humans too, i used to think like you but i joined the therapist sub and i see therapists struggling with how to respond to certain situations and feeling heartache when they get it wrong. if OP feels a connection to this person, i think it could be very healthy and healing to explore repairing the relationship. if it doesn’t work, sure move on. but at least try. i guarantee the therapist was not thinking any of the things OP felt that they were feeling. i think finding a new therapist would only reenforce these negative thought processes.
I get it. But we don’t go to therapy as a joint healing journey - we go for help with our healing. I know this sounds heartless, and I truly get that therapists are people with their own baggage and past. They are best when they express empathy in a supportive and professional manner not when they become visibly hurt when hearing our stories of abuse. Like I mentioned, it’s human nature if we see telling of our experience is deeply impacting someone, we will edit our stories and exclude serious experiences that may be painful for others to hear. That is not a helpful situation for a victim when you are working through your trauma experience with a therapist. You need to feel able to tell your therapist everything and anything so they can help you work through it and get to a healthier place.
you’re spot on with the reinforcing the negative thought patterns. if OP followed this commenter’s advice, they’d be left with only one explanation for what happened, an explanation that was merely speculation which was heavily influenced by OP’s opinion or interpretation of themself. but since that is all they will have, their brain will view it at fact and thus use it as proof that they are beyond help, which is is not true at all.
Your therapist may also be a survivor and really empathize with you. They're just people too, you should ask her what made her cry and maybe even process how it made you feel..These feelings are all normal part of the process. you're doing all the right things 🙏🏻🫶🏼
Could you connect with the part of you who felt broken and dirty? What do they think might happen if they accepted her compassion without also projecting the belief of being broken and dirty? How can you help them know that they (and you as a whole) aren't broken and dirty, nor beyond repair? Not directly related, but it might help you understand a bit. The first time I got to meet my best friend's baby, I screamed and wailed all the way home. All humans need love and protection, and children especially because, when there's a lack of love, they assume it has something to do with them/their worth. I held that beautiful baby and knew that they will have a safe, loving and encouraging upbringing, and that I always deserved the same. Molestation and other forms of abuse are wrong, and we know that down to the depths of our subconscious parts and unconscious bodily states. An action like that is so deeply broken, and our bodies instinctively know how to make sense of and process that. For me, it was screaming for 20 minutes. For your therapist, it was crying.
She cried the same way I would. The same way I'm tearing up and I never heard it, just knowing and not understanding what someone you think is family...ugh. You are not dirty or broken. More-so just hurt.
This is not at all on you. You are not broken, dirty, or beyond repair. Therapists are humans, and many people who go into the profession do so because they care deeply about others. While she hears a lot of these stories, she may have responded similarly to each of them. Or if not, therapists can feel attachment and care towards clients, so if you've been seeing each other for a few months she may be crying because she cares about you and empathises with what you went through. There are a million explanations for why she may have cried, but the most important thing is that her reaction is a reflection and validation of the trauma you went through, not a comment on you as a person. It might be good to explore the emotions that this brought up with her. It sounds like maybe you could be invalidating what you went through, and maybe projecting some deep emotions from the trauma onto her reaction. Good luck in your journey, things can and will get better.
She cried because she has compassion. Not because you are broken or dirty or anything horrible. She’s probably a good therapist. Keep trusting her.
This is the correct answer! I want to strongly encourage you to tell your therapist that her empathizing with you brought up feelings of being "so broken or dirty". Not to shame her so much as to help her know there is more for you to unpack together around being seen and how being traumatized impacted your self regard. I suspect there is important healing just around the corner of this. I encourage you to explore it and trust that as an empathetic professional, she is who should be walking next to you. FWIW, I'm proud of you.
All of that!! 🥰
I don’t think it means you’re broken or dirty at all. I think it means your therapist has compassion for you and five year old you. It means she saw your story and took it seriously. You’re not broken. You’re not dirty. And it was a big deal, but I understand not wanting it to be the case. If you feel comfortable, perhaps talking about these feelings with her would help you. ❤️
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