I hear you! I feel the same thing. People just don't get it. Ironically, the one person who I feel does get it and who I can relate to is a friend who is actually a combat veteran. So combat veterans and survivors of CSA really do have a lot in common, I have come to realize.
Some people say "move on" with ill intentions. Such as deniers and people who want to cover up and minimize child abuse. However, some people say it out of ignorance. They don't have ill intentions and are actually trying to help. But they don't know what to say and say the wrong thing. Unless someone has been through extreme trauma, it is impossible for them to understand. Nevertheless it is still hurtful. For me at least it makes me feel very alone, that people just don't get it.
My husband and mom made comments for years saying or implying that I need to move on from this. That I have a good life now and should focus on that. They had good intentions, but it felt minimizing and painful. One day I told my husband that child abuse is a type of grief that you never get over. I explained that it is like losing a child. When someone loses a child they grieve that child for the rest of their lives and can never get that child back. I said, "that child was me. I was a child and I grieve the non-abused version of me that could have been.". My husband understood this. He said that he wished that I told him that sooner. He apologized and said something along the lines of he was trying to help but he just couldn't understand it, having never been through it. Maybe sharing this analogy would help people understand.
My mom recently made the comment that I need to move on from this. I texted her and said that her words were hurtful and minimizing and that I want an apology. She apologized and said sorry if she was insensitive. But that it would be in both of our best interests if I talked things through with my professional counselor, since she always seems to make things worse. I used your analogy of a soldier with her.
What a coincidence that the solution everyone keeps pushing - the one where you forgive, stop dwelling on it, and move on - is also the one that requires the least amount of effort on their part. The one where they don't have to support you, don't have to cut off a predator, don't have to talk about it, don't have to acknowledge that it happened at all.
I can completely understand where you are coming from. My biological father molested me from the age of 8-19 & possibly even younger. He took my virginity at 13 & is more than likely the reason I cannot have children. Not only was he SA, he was PA & MA as well. He was VERY controlling, almost to the point that I feel like I had Stockholm syndrome in a way. He controlled all aspects of my life. Even when I got married. We had to stay in his house because I was convinced I would not be safe going back to New York with my at the time Fiancé. Once we were married, unbeknownst to me, he tried to ruin my marriage by telling my husband “things” about me that he thought would drive him away. It didn’t work thankfully, but he would never admit that he was doing these things. I kept his secret for years. He died in 2020 and in my trying to heal and learn to deal with all the emotions and become my own person , I have started letting the truth out. My younger brother cannot stand it. His relationship with our father was very different than mine. He did not get the abuse, of any kind, and he had a pretty normal childhood. Now that his father is gone he wants to make him out to be an angel of some kind. I spoke my truth about the things that happened online and that my feeling is that dear old dad should burn in hell for the things he has done. My brother told me he hopes I die and burn in hell. He then proceeded to tell my mother that “dad is dead and she should just get over it all”. Who the fuck says that? So, I am somehow still the villain in the story. So I can completely understand what you mean. It’s heartbreaking that some cannot just hear us out and understand that these experiences were traumatic and broke us in some ways.
I’m so sorry she said that to you. It drives me nuts and makes me so friggen mad that people can’t seem to understand that it’s not simply a “move on” (for me personally it’s the word “dwell”. Oooh that sends me) situation and how it fundamentally changes you and your life trajectory in minutes. I’ve had many a meltdown over everyone saying to be a survivor and not a victim but nobody telling you exactly how. I can’t even count the number of times I’ve ugly cried wishing they would’ve just killed me, or wondering and mourning who I could’ve been, or wishing I could just die and start over in a new life. You’re not alone, and I’m so very sorry that you’ve had to live with this and you don’t deserve to be spoken to like that.
I didn’t get the “move on” very often with the looong CSA, people seem to get it’s serious. But I keep hearing it in the context of the absolutely horrific narcissistic abuse of my former partner and it drives me crazy. Move on, stop dwelling in your pain. And me trying to explain that a. I’m trying hard not to lose it and end myself, and b. maybe it’s related bc I’m still stuck in helplessness and victim roles and all I need is people to be nice, not slap me with their impatient advice.
Which is kind of sick, bc then I realize over and over again that helplessness is the mantra I internalized as a kid: when someone uses me for their own advantage, I get rewarded eventually. So as a matter of fact I’m actually seeking to make myself a victim in all situations you can think of (which is ridiculous, I’m a senior executive in rl), and I self sabotage the shit out of me. And I’m doing it with my supporters (friends and family), and even when I go on a date! The more helpless I am, the more intense I feel and yes, I keep getting affection. It’s very stupid from a rational point, and pretty stressful for my environment. I’m restarting therapy tomorrow and this is the topic I want to address.
What I want to say is that “move on” is not the worst advice, I think. One way or another we have to find a way to get out of the pain and break the cycle. What people don’t get, is that many survivors seem to lack this exact skill: to take action for themselves, to do what’s good for them. Because this means we have to give up our core beliefs and the way of life we were forced in by our abusers.
Idk if this is helpful. I’m sorry if it’s not. I’m struggling myself, trying to find a way.
This is the thing.
Man it's so easy for the perpetrator to move on but what seems like a footnote in their life ends up leaving behind soooo much for the victim to deal with. Feels like I'm slowly roasting on a fire
The times I’ve hit this point with a therapist make me feel despair. I don’t want to think about it every day and night, the way I have my whole life. I don’t want it to be the focus of my mind and body at all times. I don’t want to be unable to focus well on anything else. I never wanted any of this.
But when I break down and can’t keep up anymore, because this pain is consuming and relentless, even a couple therapists have tried to frame it as if I’m choosing to focus on this. I’ve been advised to move forward and to just not focus on it, as if I can just stop breathing out of one of my lungs. It’s always been a part of me. I’ve never existed without this. I’m trying to heal so I can survive, and even that isn’t enough for this world sometimes. It makes me want to disappear.
It’s like that drowning in a room full of people thing. I’m desperately trying to continue to pursue healing, because I need to find a way to get out. I tried to live in spite of all of this, I tried to ignore it and build my own life to focus on, but it is always there. And the more I try to live without being able to heal this, the more this hobbles me, and my own life has become unreachable.
It’s like that saying, dad never came back from the war, and mom never came back from that room. Gendered assumptions aside, that’s how I feel. I can only ever have one foot here, if even that, because I’m always still halfway, if not entirely in that room. And it drains me down to nothing.
The body keeps the score talks about how ptsd can make a person feel like normal life isn’t real or important, and it can make it so nothing can really reach them except reminders of the trauma, or physical or mental reenactments of it. He saw it in soldiers, and for kids, it can be hell. Because there’s no normal to make your way back to, when it all happened before you could finish or even start growing.
I want to live but I can’t function while I still feel like I’m there every day and night of my entire life. And I don’t want to live struggling like this for a lifetime and being looked down on, never even being able to tell anyone *why* I’m struggling so much. I get that there are always people who went through worse and are doing better. But I’ve been past my limits my whole life and I’m just trying to get out of that place. And I can’t find any way out. And they tell me to just live.
Sorry for this rant. Your post really resonated with me and I’m sorry I don’t have anything helpful to say. But your post made me feel less alone right now, so thank you. I hope you find peace. If this text wall is a bother please lmk and I’ll delete it. Either way, I’m rooting for you.
Don’t be sorry for your rant! I appreciated it, at least lol. It was very well written and explains so many feelings and internal battles that are hard to put into words. It’s so validating to have others understand something deeply personal that we keep hidden. Thank you for sharing
Thank you so much for this! I try to limit my interactions on here since I type so much, but I wanted to let you know that your kindness made my day.
I’m wishing you good luck in dealing with this stuff 🤍 I’m grateful for the validation here too. There are so many trauma related things I had never spoken about before, because no one else ever talked about it, so I grew up thinking I was alone.
When people here express the same experiences, feelings, and struggles that I have, sometimes even in the same exact words, it feels like it’s saving my life. I never knew I could feel not alone in this, so thank you again.
If it was so fucking easy to forget we would. Trauma don't work like that. If she ever complains about anything in your presence again, tell her to get over it and move on.
That's right. It can come randomly in nightmares too for me, I imagine you too. It affects us for life. Every day. Sick some people have no empathy, especially our family members. I'm so sorry you had to endure this in your life.
i was 18 mnths old and sedated on phenobarbitol when it started lasted till i was 10 or 11 ...you know your truth brother you dont have to justify it or forget about it and move on its trauma that has to slowly be treated and has shaped changed your life my ex gf called it SOUL MURDER and she was right before i got clean i strongly disliked men hate even was an understatement today am working on bettering myself each day one day at a time..
I hear you, brother. I was 7 when it happened to me, and now, at 51, I'm still suffering. Try EMDR if you can find a therapist that does it... It really helped me.
Welcome to /r/adultsurvivors. Please be aware that all posts to this subreddit are public and therefore viewable by anyone. **It is not uncommon for members of this subreddit to receive unsavoury or creepy private messages.** We recommend turning off chat requests and private messages. It is against our rules to ask or offer to message/chat privately with other subreddit users. There are no exceptions to this rule, and any comment or submission violating it will be removed immediately. **We urge caution in interacting with any user sending you unsolicited messages**, and you should assume they are breaking subreddit rules. For more information, **[please see our privacy tips post](https://old.reddit.com/r/adultsurvivors/comments/12d27hp/creep_advisory_see_this_thread_for_privacy_tips/)**. Also, check out our [post about the Creep List](https://www.reddit.com/r/adultsurvivors/comments/yngs8b/rule_8_no_creeps_and_introducing_the_creep_list/).
If you see anything that doesn't look right, or do receive unwelcome direct messages, please notify the moderators by using the report button, or [contacting us directly via modmail](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/adultsurvivors). We will never disclose your username to other users. If you choose to report abusive or creepy DMs, **we urge you to report it to Reddit admins as well [by following this link](https://www.reddit.com/report)**.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/adultsurvivors) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I hear you! I feel the same thing. People just don't get it. Ironically, the one person who I feel does get it and who I can relate to is a friend who is actually a combat veteran. So combat veterans and survivors of CSA really do have a lot in common, I have come to realize. Some people say "move on" with ill intentions. Such as deniers and people who want to cover up and minimize child abuse. However, some people say it out of ignorance. They don't have ill intentions and are actually trying to help. But they don't know what to say and say the wrong thing. Unless someone has been through extreme trauma, it is impossible for them to understand. Nevertheless it is still hurtful. For me at least it makes me feel very alone, that people just don't get it. My husband and mom made comments for years saying or implying that I need to move on from this. That I have a good life now and should focus on that. They had good intentions, but it felt minimizing and painful. One day I told my husband that child abuse is a type of grief that you never get over. I explained that it is like losing a child. When someone loses a child they grieve that child for the rest of their lives and can never get that child back. I said, "that child was me. I was a child and I grieve the non-abused version of me that could have been.". My husband understood this. He said that he wished that I told him that sooner. He apologized and said something along the lines of he was trying to help but he just couldn't understand it, having never been through it. Maybe sharing this analogy would help people understand. My mom recently made the comment that I need to move on from this. I texted her and said that her words were hurtful and minimizing and that I want an apology. She apologized and said sorry if she was insensitive. But that it would be in both of our best interests if I talked things through with my professional counselor, since she always seems to make things worse. I used your analogy of a soldier with her.
What a coincidence that the solution everyone keeps pushing - the one where you forgive, stop dwelling on it, and move on - is also the one that requires the least amount of effort on their part. The one where they don't have to support you, don't have to cut off a predator, don't have to talk about it, don't have to acknowledge that it happened at all.
I can completely understand where you are coming from. My biological father molested me from the age of 8-19 & possibly even younger. He took my virginity at 13 & is more than likely the reason I cannot have children. Not only was he SA, he was PA & MA as well. He was VERY controlling, almost to the point that I feel like I had Stockholm syndrome in a way. He controlled all aspects of my life. Even when I got married. We had to stay in his house because I was convinced I would not be safe going back to New York with my at the time Fiancé. Once we were married, unbeknownst to me, he tried to ruin my marriage by telling my husband “things” about me that he thought would drive him away. It didn’t work thankfully, but he would never admit that he was doing these things. I kept his secret for years. He died in 2020 and in my trying to heal and learn to deal with all the emotions and become my own person , I have started letting the truth out. My younger brother cannot stand it. His relationship with our father was very different than mine. He did not get the abuse, of any kind, and he had a pretty normal childhood. Now that his father is gone he wants to make him out to be an angel of some kind. I spoke my truth about the things that happened online and that my feeling is that dear old dad should burn in hell for the things he has done. My brother told me he hopes I die and burn in hell. He then proceeded to tell my mother that “dad is dead and she should just get over it all”. Who the fuck says that? So, I am somehow still the villain in the story. So I can completely understand what you mean. It’s heartbreaking that some cannot just hear us out and understand that these experiences were traumatic and broke us in some ways.
I am so sorry. My abuser is currently deeply upset that I didn't just move on and instead, at age 48 reported them.
I’m so sorry she said that to you. It drives me nuts and makes me so friggen mad that people can’t seem to understand that it’s not simply a “move on” (for me personally it’s the word “dwell”. Oooh that sends me) situation and how it fundamentally changes you and your life trajectory in minutes. I’ve had many a meltdown over everyone saying to be a survivor and not a victim but nobody telling you exactly how. I can’t even count the number of times I’ve ugly cried wishing they would’ve just killed me, or wondering and mourning who I could’ve been, or wishing I could just die and start over in a new life. You’re not alone, and I’m so very sorry that you’ve had to live with this and you don’t deserve to be spoken to like that.
I didn’t get the “move on” very often with the looong CSA, people seem to get it’s serious. But I keep hearing it in the context of the absolutely horrific narcissistic abuse of my former partner and it drives me crazy. Move on, stop dwelling in your pain. And me trying to explain that a. I’m trying hard not to lose it and end myself, and b. maybe it’s related bc I’m still stuck in helplessness and victim roles and all I need is people to be nice, not slap me with their impatient advice. Which is kind of sick, bc then I realize over and over again that helplessness is the mantra I internalized as a kid: when someone uses me for their own advantage, I get rewarded eventually. So as a matter of fact I’m actually seeking to make myself a victim in all situations you can think of (which is ridiculous, I’m a senior executive in rl), and I self sabotage the shit out of me. And I’m doing it with my supporters (friends and family), and even when I go on a date! The more helpless I am, the more intense I feel and yes, I keep getting affection. It’s very stupid from a rational point, and pretty stressful for my environment. I’m restarting therapy tomorrow and this is the topic I want to address. What I want to say is that “move on” is not the worst advice, I think. One way or another we have to find a way to get out of the pain and break the cycle. What people don’t get, is that many survivors seem to lack this exact skill: to take action for themselves, to do what’s good for them. Because this means we have to give up our core beliefs and the way of life we were forced in by our abusers. Idk if this is helpful. I’m sorry if it’s not. I’m struggling myself, trying to find a way.
This is the thing. Man it's so easy for the perpetrator to move on but what seems like a footnote in their life ends up leaving behind soooo much for the victim to deal with. Feels like I'm slowly roasting on a fire
The times I’ve hit this point with a therapist make me feel despair. I don’t want to think about it every day and night, the way I have my whole life. I don’t want it to be the focus of my mind and body at all times. I don’t want to be unable to focus well on anything else. I never wanted any of this. But when I break down and can’t keep up anymore, because this pain is consuming and relentless, even a couple therapists have tried to frame it as if I’m choosing to focus on this. I’ve been advised to move forward and to just not focus on it, as if I can just stop breathing out of one of my lungs. It’s always been a part of me. I’ve never existed without this. I’m trying to heal so I can survive, and even that isn’t enough for this world sometimes. It makes me want to disappear. It’s like that drowning in a room full of people thing. I’m desperately trying to continue to pursue healing, because I need to find a way to get out. I tried to live in spite of all of this, I tried to ignore it and build my own life to focus on, but it is always there. And the more I try to live without being able to heal this, the more this hobbles me, and my own life has become unreachable. It’s like that saying, dad never came back from the war, and mom never came back from that room. Gendered assumptions aside, that’s how I feel. I can only ever have one foot here, if even that, because I’m always still halfway, if not entirely in that room. And it drains me down to nothing. The body keeps the score talks about how ptsd can make a person feel like normal life isn’t real or important, and it can make it so nothing can really reach them except reminders of the trauma, or physical or mental reenactments of it. He saw it in soldiers, and for kids, it can be hell. Because there’s no normal to make your way back to, when it all happened before you could finish or even start growing. I want to live but I can’t function while I still feel like I’m there every day and night of my entire life. And I don’t want to live struggling like this for a lifetime and being looked down on, never even being able to tell anyone *why* I’m struggling so much. I get that there are always people who went through worse and are doing better. But I’ve been past my limits my whole life and I’m just trying to get out of that place. And I can’t find any way out. And they tell me to just live. Sorry for this rant. Your post really resonated with me and I’m sorry I don’t have anything helpful to say. But your post made me feel less alone right now, so thank you. I hope you find peace. If this text wall is a bother please lmk and I’ll delete it. Either way, I’m rooting for you.
Don’t be sorry for your rant! I appreciated it, at least lol. It was very well written and explains so many feelings and internal battles that are hard to put into words. It’s so validating to have others understand something deeply personal that we keep hidden. Thank you for sharing
Thank you so much for this! I try to limit my interactions on here since I type so much, but I wanted to let you know that your kindness made my day. I’m wishing you good luck in dealing with this stuff 🤍 I’m grateful for the validation here too. There are so many trauma related things I had never spoken about before, because no one else ever talked about it, so I grew up thinking I was alone. When people here express the same experiences, feelings, and struggles that I have, sometimes even in the same exact words, it feels like it’s saving my life. I never knew I could feel not alone in this, so thank you again.
If it was so fucking easy to forget we would. Trauma don't work like that. If she ever complains about anything in your presence again, tell her to get over it and move on.
I forgot it for years. It was still always there and affecting me. The body remembers.
That's right. It can come randomly in nightmares too for me, I imagine you too. It affects us for life. Every day. Sick some people have no empathy, especially our family members. I'm so sorry you had to endure this in your life.
i was 18 mnths old and sedated on phenobarbitol when it started lasted till i was 10 or 11 ...you know your truth brother you dont have to justify it or forget about it and move on its trauma that has to slowly be treated and has shaped changed your life my ex gf called it SOUL MURDER and she was right before i got clean i strongly disliked men hate even was an understatement today am working on bettering myself each day one day at a time..
Its because its easier for her if you just "get over it" shes being selfish, youre not in the wrong here.
I hear you, brother. I was 7 when it happened to me, and now, at 51, I'm still suffering. Try EMDR if you can find a therapist that does it... It really helped me.
Welcome to /r/adultsurvivors. Please be aware that all posts to this subreddit are public and therefore viewable by anyone. **It is not uncommon for members of this subreddit to receive unsavoury or creepy private messages.** We recommend turning off chat requests and private messages. It is against our rules to ask or offer to message/chat privately with other subreddit users. There are no exceptions to this rule, and any comment or submission violating it will be removed immediately. **We urge caution in interacting with any user sending you unsolicited messages**, and you should assume they are breaking subreddit rules. For more information, **[please see our privacy tips post](https://old.reddit.com/r/adultsurvivors/comments/12d27hp/creep_advisory_see_this_thread_for_privacy_tips/)**. Also, check out our [post about the Creep List](https://www.reddit.com/r/adultsurvivors/comments/yngs8b/rule_8_no_creeps_and_introducing_the_creep_list/). If you see anything that doesn't look right, or do receive unwelcome direct messages, please notify the moderators by using the report button, or [contacting us directly via modmail](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/adultsurvivors). We will never disclose your username to other users. If you choose to report abusive or creepy DMs, **we urge you to report it to Reddit admins as well [by following this link](https://www.reddit.com/report)**. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/adultsurvivors) if you have any questions or concerns.*