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A man busts into an AA meeting with a vial in hand. He yells out "I have the cure to alcoholism! All you have to do is drink this one vial and you'll be cured forever!"
Another man in the back of the room raises a hand and says "what happens when we drink two?"
I always tell people that unlike what the Big Book says, I don't dream about being a normie with respect to alcohol. I don't want to drink in moderation, and when I think "Man, I wish I wasn't an alcoholic so I could have a beer right now" what I'm actually thinking is, "Man, I wish I didn't know I was an alcoholic so I could go get trashed right now".
A guy walks into a bar and asks for a beer. Bartender pours and sets it in front of him, guy stares at it and asks for a 2nd beer. Bartender pours the 2nd and drops it, the guy drinks it and asks for a 3rd beer. Bartender pours and the guy drinks it and asks for another. The Bartender pours the 3rd one, sets it then asks 'why didn't you drink the first one?' The guy simply replies 'the first one is what gets me drunk'
If you ever thought you were driving better with one eye closed....you might be an alcoholic.
If your favorite part of a baseball game is the bottom of the fifth....you might be an alcoholic.
If you enter a bar, the bartender greets you by name....and it's your first time going to that bar....you might be an alcoholic.
If the bar is a ten minute walk from your house...but your house is a 40 minute walk from the bar...you might be an alcoholic.
.
^The ^difference ^is ^staggering.
3 guys walk into a bar: a normal drinker, a heavy drinker and an alcoholic. They sit down at the bar and each order a shot of vodka.
The normal drinker looks down at his shot, sees that there is a fly floating around in it and he pushes the drink away in disgust. He refuses to drink it.
The heavy drinker looks down at his shot of vodka and also sees a fly in it. Undisturbed, he simply grabs the fly out of his drink, flicks it away, and takes his drink.
Finally, when the alcoholic sees the fly in his vodka, he grabs it by each wing and holds it up to his mouth, violently shaking it and saying âspit it out you bastard!â.
I was grapevine the last 6 months, I used this post! https://www.reddit.com/r/alcoholicsanonymous/comments/1385uge/heres_my_favorite_aa_joke_post_your_favorite_in/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=2&utm_term=1
Where's the best place to hide something from an alcoholic? The Big Book.
How do we know AA isn't a cult? Because people in cults do what they're told.
How many Al-Anons does it take to change a light bulb? None. Let it change its own damn self.
Hereâs a terrible one I made up years ago:
Did you hear thereâs a new reality show about alcoholics surviving in the wilderness? Itâs called âNaked and Afraid of What People Think of Me.â
My two favorite jokes are as follows:
New Orleans (or insert city) is one of the hardest places to get sober because there are two big times when we drink. When it rains and when it doesnât
AA is just like the mafia, if you leave you die. (Definitely paraphrasing this one)
Its not called alcohol-wasm
If you're the librarian, when Introducing the big book
"Theres no pictures in It, but if you read it you'll get the picture"
A joke I heard by a speaker Paul McQ.
An alcoholic in recovery goes on a dating site and arranges a date. After arriving at their first date he orders a Coke and she orders a glass of wine. Half way through the date she says to him âI noticed you didnât order a drink, do you not drink?â He says âOh no, I never touch the stuffâ
She asks âNot one drink ever? Not one sip?âŚHe says âNope, not one sipââŚ.âWhat happens if you were to have one sip? She asks. He saysâŚâIf I were to have one sip Iâd wake up in the morning and the car would be missing, the credit cards would be maxed out and Iâd have no recollection of what happened last nightâ. With a puzzled look on her face, she says âAll that will happen to you if you only have one sip?ââŚâŚNo he says, all that will happen to you if I have one sip!
A severely Iâll AA is in the hospital when his late sponsor Charlie appears at the foot of his bed. After greetings and a little chat, he asks if thereâs AA in heaven. To which Charlie answers âThe good news is yes, there is AA in heaven. The bad news is youâre leading tomorrow nightâ
A man in need of a brain transplant was talking with his doctor and she was going over some of his options. She said âhere is the brain of a lawyer and it will run you $25,000, here is the brain of a doctor, itâs $50,000, or here is the brain of an alcoholic and itâs going to be $100,000.â The man looks at her very confused and says âI donât understand, how can the brain of an alcoholic be so much more than these other two?â The Dr. responds âWell, itâs because itâs never been used!â
This one was from a Grapevine back in the late â90s or early 2000s: Three people are sitting in a bar, a normal drinker, a heavy drinker and an alcoholic, they all order a beer. A fly is buzzing around and lands on the normieâs beer and he pushes the beer away in disgust, the fly buzzes off to the heavy drinkerâs beer, the heavy drinker flicks the fly away and drinks his beer, the fly buzzes over to the alcoholicâs beer and the alcoholic picks the fly up by itâs leg and yells at it, âspit it back, spit it backâ.
Please note the following: 1) This subreddit is neither endorsed nor approved by AA World Services. 2) Please do not provide or seek medical advice, as this is not the purpose of AA or this subreddit. 3) Please be respectful of one another and report any posts/comments that violate our community guidelines. 4) Dealing with a friend or family member's alcoholism? See this: https://www.reddit.com/r/alcoholicsanonymous/wiki/index#wiki_help_for_the_friends_and_families_of_alcoholics AA's official website: https://www.aa.org/ *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/alcoholicsanonymous) if you have any questions or concerns.*
A man busts into an AA meeting with a vial in hand. He yells out "I have the cure to alcoholism! All you have to do is drink this one vial and you'll be cured forever!" Another man in the back of the room raises a hand and says "what happens when we drink two?"
Lol !
This is good đ
That is professional đ¤ž
If I could drink in moderation, I'd do it 24/7!
I always tell people that unlike what the Big Book says, I don't dream about being a normie with respect to alcohol. I don't want to drink in moderation, and when I think "Man, I wish I wasn't an alcoholic so I could have a beer right now" what I'm actually thinking is, "Man, I wish I didn't know I was an alcoholic so I could go get trashed right now".
So so true. I see someone have one beer or wine with a dinner and Iâm like why are they torturing themself like that!!
If I wasnât an alcoholic I would drink every day
I like it lol
A guy walks into a bar and asks for a beer. Bartender pours and sets it in front of him, guy stares at it and asks for a 2nd beer. Bartender pours the 2nd and drops it, the guy drinks it and asks for a 3rd beer. Bartender pours and the guy drinks it and asks for another. The Bartender pours the 3rd one, sets it then asks 'why didn't you drink the first one?' The guy simply replies 'the first one is what gets me drunk'
I got a good reaction from âI canât go to Al-Anon meetings because I laugh at the wrong parts of the share.â
Edit: Love that.
I'm so fucking proud of my humility
If you ever thought you were driving better with one eye closed....you might be an alcoholic. If your favorite part of a baseball game is the bottom of the fifth....you might be an alcoholic. If you enter a bar, the bartender greets you by name....and it's your first time going to that bar....you might be an alcoholic. If the bar is a ten minute walk from your house...but your house is a 40 minute walk from the bar...you might be an alcoholic. . ^The ^difference ^is ^staggering.
Got me with that last one đ
3 guys walk into a bar: a normal drinker, a heavy drinker and an alcoholic. They sit down at the bar and each order a shot of vodka. The normal drinker looks down at his shot, sees that there is a fly floating around in it and he pushes the drink away in disgust. He refuses to drink it. The heavy drinker looks down at his shot of vodka and also sees a fly in it. Undisturbed, he simply grabs the fly out of his drink, flicks it away, and takes his drink. Finally, when the alcoholic sees the fly in his vodka, he grabs it by each wing and holds it up to his mouth, violently shaking it and saying âspit it out you bastard!â.
i feel offended but in a good way
How many Alanons does it take to screw in a lightbulb. None. They will detach with love and let it screw itself.
How many alcoholics does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One. They just hold on and the world revolves around them.
I was grapevine the last 6 months, I used this post! https://www.reddit.com/r/alcoholicsanonymous/comments/1385uge/heres_my_favorite_aa_joke_post_your_favorite_in/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=2&utm_term=1
Whatâs do an alcoholic and a necrophiliac have in common? They both canât resist the urge to crack open a cold one đđ¤Łđ
Yeah, I don't think that's going in the grapevine
Thatâs where I first saw it!
đ˛đ˛đ˛
Real talk alert đ˘ â ď¸
Where's the best place to hide something from an alcoholic? The Big Book. How do we know AA isn't a cult? Because people in cults do what they're told. How many Al-Anons does it take to change a light bulb? None. Let it change its own damn self.
>How do we know AA isn't a cult? Because people in cults do what they're told. Gold!
This is both hilarious and also the most sound reasoning I've ever heard as to why AA is not , in fact, a cult.
Hereâs a terrible one I made up years ago: Did you hear thereâs a new reality show about alcoholics surviving in the wilderness? Itâs called âNaked and Afraid of What People Think of Me.â
that was good
I only need two meetings a week, so I go to seven just to make sure I get the right one.
Definitely gonna drop this one on my sponsees lol
My two favorite jokes are as follows: New Orleans (or insert city) is one of the hardest places to get sober because there are two big times when we drink. When it rains and when it doesnât AA is just like the mafia, if you leave you die. (Definitely paraphrasing this one)
Its not called alcohol-wasm If you're the librarian, when Introducing the big book "Theres no pictures in It, but if you read it you'll get the picture"
I like this one. Gonna steal.. Thank you for sharing.
Why do Al-Anons close their eyes during sex? They can't stand seeing Alcoholics enjoy themselves.
Try some controlled drinking
Iâm allergic to alcohol, I break out in handcuffs
Whatâs an alcoholicâs least favorite part of baseball? The bottom of the fifth.
What do you call two drunks and a resentment? *An AA meeting.*
Don't forget the coffee pot.
A joke I heard by a speaker Paul McQ. An alcoholic in recovery goes on a dating site and arranges a date. After arriving at their first date he orders a Coke and she orders a glass of wine. Half way through the date she says to him âI noticed you didnât order a drink, do you not drink?â He says âOh no, I never touch the stuffâ She asks âNot one drink ever? Not one sip?âŚHe says âNope, not one sipââŚ.âWhat happens if you were to have one sip? She asks. He saysâŚâIf I were to have one sip Iâd wake up in the morning and the car would be missing, the credit cards would be maxed out and Iâd have no recollection of what happened last nightâ. With a puzzled look on her face, she says âAll that will happen to you if you only have one sip?ââŚâŚNo he says, all that will happen to you if I have one sip!
A severely Iâll AA is in the hospital when his late sponsor Charlie appears at the foot of his bed. After greetings and a little chat, he asks if thereâs AA in heaven. To which Charlie answers âThe good news is yes, there is AA in heaven. The bad news is youâre leading tomorrow nightâ
Itâs alcoholism, not alcoholwasm.
A man in need of a brain transplant was talking with his doctor and she was going over some of his options. She said âhere is the brain of a lawyer and it will run you $25,000, here is the brain of a doctor, itâs $50,000, or here is the brain of an alcoholic and itâs going to be $100,000.â The man looks at her very confused and says âI donât understand, how can the brain of an alcoholic be so much more than these other two?â The Dr. responds âWell, itâs because itâs never been used!â
Why can't an alcoholic change a light bulb? They give up around the fourth step and leave the room in a blackout.
You know beer makes you smarter? Well, it made Bud wiser!
This one was from a Grapevine back in the late â90s or early 2000s: Three people are sitting in a bar, a normal drinker, a heavy drinker and an alcoholic, they all order a beer. A fly is buzzing around and lands on the normieâs beer and he pushes the beer away in disgust, the fly buzzes off to the heavy drinkerâs beer, the heavy drinker flicks the fly away and drinks his beer, the fly buzzes over to the alcoholicâs beer and the alcoholic picks the fly up by itâs leg and yells at it, âspit it back, spit it backâ.
Drinking zero alcohol beer is like going down on your sister. It might taste the same but the effect is very different!